1 00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:04,938 >>> YOU'RE WATCHING NEW YORK ONE BECAUSE YOUR WI-FI IS DOWN. 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:11,211 LATER, A RECAP OF HOPE HICKS' EMOTIONAL TESTIMONY IN DONALD TRUMP'S HUSH MONEY TRIAL. 3 00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:20,787 FIRST, IT'S COMMUNITY AFFAIRS WITH RYAN ABERNATHY. >>> GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO 4 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:27,994 COMMUNITY AFFAIRS. I'M RYAN ABERNATHY. COLLEGE STUDENTS HAVE BEEN 5 00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:31,531 PROTESTING ON CAMPUSES ACROSS THE NATION. TONIGHT WE'LL BE DISCUSSING WITH 6 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:35,035 MY GUESTS WHO ARE PARENT STUDENTS OF COLLEGES IN NEW YORK. 7 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:41,007 JOIN ME IN WELCOMING THE NEW STUDENT PARENT, DOUG HOVING. SARAH HIMES. 8 00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:46,112 >> HI. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> AND COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DAD, 9 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:53,219 ALPHONSE ROBERTS. >> HI, RYAN, AND HELLO TO MY WIFE. 10 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:58,458 >> AS PARENTS, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE PROTESTS ON CAMPUS? SARAH, WE'LL START WITH YOU. 11 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:04,130 >> FOR ME, IT'S BEEN TOUGH. I'M ALL FOR FREE SPEECH, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY THINK 12 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:08,168 THEY'RE ACCOMPLISHING, AND THAT'S REALLY PUTTING A STRAIN ON ME AND MY DAUGHTER'S 13 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:11,638 RELATIONSHIP. >> YEAH. I WANT TO LET ME SON MAKE HIS 14 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:17,210 OWN CHOICES, BUT TO BE HONEST, IT'S A LITTLE SCARY. THESE PROTESTS ARE BECOMING WAY 15 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:20,513 MORE AGGRESSIVE. >> RIGHT. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, MY 16 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:25,185 DAUGHTER IS AN ADULT AND HAS TO LIVE HER OWN LIFE. >> WELL, I THINK IT'S JUST 17 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:29,089 GREAT. IT'S WONDERFUL. NOTHING MAKES ME PROUDER THAN 18 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:32,759 YOUNG PEOPLE USING THEIR VOICES TO FIGHT FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE? >> WOW. 19 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:37,230 THAT'S VERY ENCOURAGING. >> YOUR DAUGHTER MUST FEEL SO SUPPORTED WHEN SHE'S OUT THERE. 20 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:40,233 >> WHAT'S THAT NOW? WHEN WHOSE DAUGHTER IS OUT THERE? 21 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:46,706 >> AT THE PROTEST. >> NO, NO, NO. HUH-HUH, MAN. 22 00:01:46,706 --> 00:01:50,910 YOU BUGGEN. ALEXIS VANESSA ROBERTS BETTER HAVE HER BUTT IN CLASS. 23 00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:55,715 LET ME FIND OUT SHE IN ONE OF THEM DAMN TENTS INSTEAD THE DORM ROOM THAT I PAY FOR. 24 00:01:55,715 --> 00:02:00,120 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN FAVOR OF THE STUDENT PROTESTS? >> BROTHER MAN, I AM SUPPORTIVE 25 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:10,296 OF Y'ALL'S KIDS PROTESTING, NOT MY KIDS. MY KIDS KNOW BETTER. 26 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:14,234 SHOOT, ALEXIS VANESSA AIN'T CRAZY. >> YOUR DAUGHTER ATTENDS COLUMN 27 00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:18,638 BOO I CAN'T. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE STUDENTS THAT TOOK OVER HAMILTON 28 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:21,975 HALL? >> THAT'S GOOD FOR Y'ALL'S KIDS, BUT THEY AIN'T MINE. 29 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:29,182 YOU FEEL ME, RYAN? >> YES, I FEEL YOU, ALPHONSE. TELL ME, WITH THE RISE IN 30 00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:34,988 ATTENDANCE IN THIS PROGRAM, HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT THE POLICE PRESENCE? 31 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:39,993 >> I'M VERY CONCERNED. ONE OF MY WORST FEARS IS MY DAUGHTER BEING THROWN BEHIND 32 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,530 BAR. THIS IS A CRUCIAL TIME IN HER LIFE, AND I WOULD HATE FOR HER 33 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,199 TO HAVE AN ARREST FOLLOW HER FOREVER. >> MAN, I AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT 34 00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:57,644 5-0. THAT IS NOT MY BUSINESS. MY BUSINESS IS ALEXIS VANESSA 35 00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:59,346 ROBERTS. SHE AIN'T TALKING ABOUT NO FREE THIS, FREE THAT. 36 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:04,184 I TELL YOU WHAT AIN'T FREE, COLUMBIA. SHOOT. 37 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:10,156 DO Y'ALL KNOW THAT THEY GOT THE NERVE TO WANT 68,000 A YEAR. >> I MEAN, WE TOTALLY RESPECT 38 00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:15,128 THEIR RIGHT TO PROTEST, BUT I MEAN WE'RE ALSO MAKING SACRIFICES FOR OUR KIDS. 39 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:19,866 >> YEAH. I'M OUT HERE BUSTING MY HUMP TO PAY ALL THAT TUITION. 40 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:26,806 >> WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? >> SISTER GIRL, I DO IT ALL. UBER ALL DAY, UBER EATS ALL 41 00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:36,383 NIGHT, CUT GRASS ON THE WEEKENDS, SELL GUCCI WALLETS OUT MY TRUNK, LIFE COACHING ON IG. 42 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:45,625 I BOUNTY HUNT WHENEVER POSSIBLE. ALL THAT SO SHE CAN SAY SHE GOT A DEGREE IN AFRICAN-AMERICAN 43 00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,894 STUDIES. LOOK, GIRL, YOU BEEN BLACK YOUR WHOLE LIFE. 44 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:52,232 YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS. >> THAT'S QUITE AN INVESTMENT IN YOUR DAUGHTER. 45 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:57,837 >> DAMN SKIPPY IT IS. SHE'S GIFTED, THOUGH. SHE GON' CHANGE THE WORLD. 46 00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:02,542 SHE DAMN SURE BETTER. >> I'M SURE SHE WILL. >> YES, YES, SHE WILL. 47 00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:08,415 SHE'S WORTH EVERY PENNY, AND I KNOW I SOUND MAD RIGHT ABOUT NOW, BUT YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL 48 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:16,523 GRADUATION WHEN YOU SEE THAT SMILE ACROSS MY FACE WHEN I HEAR THAT NAME ALEXIS VANESSA ROBERTS 49 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:20,326 AND I WATCH HER WALK ACROSS THAT STAGE. >> I ACTUALLY HEARD A FEW 50 00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:25,165 SCHOOLS ARE FULLY CANCELING THEIR GRADUATION CEREMONIES. >> SISTER GIRL, I DON'T THINK 51 00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:30,970 YOU GET IT. ALEXIS VANESSA WILL BE GRADUATED, EVEN IF I GOT TO DO 52 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:35,075 IT MYSELF. BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT AT THE END OF THIS MONTH, I AM 53 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:40,780 PUTTING ON MY CHURCH CLOTHES, THREE PUMPS ON COOL WATER COLOGNE, SMELLING GOOD AS A MUG, 54 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:49,489 AND THEN, BAM, I'M HOPPING IN MY '98 FORD EXPLORER, BLASTING SOME ANITA BAKER, AND YOU BETTER 55 00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:54,728 BELIEVE I'M GOING TO BE IN THERE HOOTING AND HOLLERING AFTER THEY EXPLICITLY TOLD US TO WAIT UNTIL 56 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,863 THE END. THAT'S ALL I KNOW. >> WOW. 57 00:04:56,863 --> 00:05:00,367 GOT IT ALL PLANNED OUT. >> YEAH. YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK. 58 00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:07,307 THIS GIRL STARTED HER COLLEGE DURING COVID, HAD ME OUT HERE PAYING $68,000 FOR TUITION, AND 59 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:15,048 SHE IN MY HOUSE TAKING CLASSES ON ZOOM AND LEARNING ABOUT THE APPLIED HISTORY OF THE B.E.T. 60 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:18,852 AWARDS. MAN, IF SHE DON'T WALK, COLUMBIA GOING TO BE ON THE NEWS FOR 61 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:23,356 SOMETHING ELSE. THAT'S ALL I KNOW. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 62 00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:24,858 SATURDAY NIGHT! 63 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:35,802 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 64 00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:49,809 FEATURING -- 65 00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:27,213 HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST -- DUA LIPA. 66 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:52,105 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DUA LIPA! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 67 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:57,744 >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 68 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:04,918 MY NAME IS DUA LIPA. OR AS SOME PEOPLE CALL ME, DULA PEEP. 69 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:13,693 BUT DUA LIPA IS MY REAL NAME. DUA IS ALBANIAN FOR LOVE, AND LIPA IS ALBANIAN FOR -- MY LAST 70 00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:16,296 NAME. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN 30 ROCK. 71 00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:21,534 I ACTUALLY MADE MY U.S. TV DEBUT EIGHT YEARS AGO DOWNSTAIRS ON THE TONIGHT SHOW. 72 00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:26,773 SO THIS BUILDING DOES FEEL A LOT LIKE HOME. AND ESPECIALLY TONIGHT, BECAUSE 73 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:34,714 MY PARENTS ARE HERE IN THE AUDIENCE. AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY'RE KIND OF 74 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:40,253 COOL. THEY LOVE TO PARTY. ONE NIGHT, I WAS OUT WITH MY 75 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:47,560 FRIENDS AND WE ENDED UP AT THE CLUB AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING AND WHO DO I BUMP INTO BUT MY 76 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:52,465 PARENTS, WHICH WAS EMBARRASSING BECAUSE THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO SEE WHEN YOU'RE SUPER HIGH 77 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:58,104 AND DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS IS YOUR DAUGHTER. BUT REALLY, THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN 78 00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:05,011 SO SUPPORTIVE. THEY LET ME MOVE TO LONDON WHEN I WAS JUST 15 TO START MY 79 00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:13,053 CAREER, AND NOW MY THIRD ALBUM JUST DROPPED, AND IT'S CALLED "RADICAL OPTIMISM."THE A LOT OF 80 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:18,191 PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT THAT MEANS. TO ME, IT'S LIKE LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF ANY SITUATION. 81 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:23,496 HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU. SOMEONE TELL ME A PROBLEM YOU'RE HAVING. 82 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:28,268 YES, YOU, SIR. >> HI. MY WIFE LEFT ME BECAUSE DURING 83 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:34,407 SEX, I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED HER MOM. >> WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, NOW 84 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,210 YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH YOUR MOM. SEE? 85 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,746 RADICAL OPTIMISM. OKAY. SOMEONE ELSE. 86 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:44,784 YOU. >> YES, HELLO, DUA. YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE DOCTOR, 87 00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:53,159 AND SHE SAID -- YES, MY DOCTOR IS A WOMAN -- ANYWAY, THAT BITCH SAID I HAD TO STOP DRINKING. 88 00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:57,664 >> WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THERE'S ALWAYS POPPERS. SEE. 89 00:09:57,664 --> 00:10:01,634 YOU CAN PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON ANYTHING. YES, YOU. 90 00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:05,939 >> HI. I'M SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR KRISTI NOEM. 91 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:15,215 >> NO, NO, SORRY. I CAN'T HELP. LOOK, WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS, EVEN 92 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:19,953 ME. LIKE THERE'S PEOPLE ONLINE WHO SAY, DUA LIPA IS ALWAYS ON 93 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:24,791 VACATION. WHICH IS TOTALLY WRONG BECAUSE I'M BRITISH, SO WE CALL IT A 94 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:28,995 HOLIDAY. AND THERE'S PEOPLE WHO CALLED MY DANCING LAZY AND SAID, GO, GIRL, 95 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:33,633 GIVE US NOTHING. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU NOTHING, I GAVE YOU THE GREATEST MEME OF 96 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:39,673 ALL TIME. AND NOW, I'M HERE, I'M HOSTING, I'M PERFORMING, I'M MAKING THE 97 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:43,510 WIGS, DEALING ADDERALL TO THE WRITERS. I'M DOING IT ALL. 98 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:48,181 SO TONIGHT, I PROMISE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 99 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:52,052 TONIGHT. I'M HERE, STICK AROUND WE|LL BE RIGHT BACK 100 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,703 >>> WHAT IS UP, LADIES? I APPRECIATE Y'ALL COMING IN TO 101 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:14,074 HELP. MY NAME IS YOUNG SPICY. >> HOW YOU DOING? 102 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,743 >> WHAT'S GOOD. >> THIS IS BERNARD. HE'S GOING TO BE RECORDING US 103 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:19,145 TODAY. >> HAPPY TO BE HERE. LET'S GET THIS THING STARTED. 104 00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:24,918 >> I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW PRODUCER TAG TO PLAY AT THE BEGINNING OF MY SONG. 105 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:28,855 SOMETHING REAL COOL LIKE -- >> OH, MY GOD. >> OR EVEN THIS ONE. 106 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:32,592 >> I'M WORKING. >> WE CAN DO THAT. >> WE GOT YOU. 107 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:36,896 >> COOL. WE'LL PLAY THE BEAT AND THEN YOU PLAY SOMETHING LIKE GET 'EM 108 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:40,233 SPICY OR SPICY ON THE TRACK. >> GREAT. WE'LL GIVE YOU SOME OPTIONS. 109 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:45,305 >> ALL RIGHT. TAKE ONE. >> OOH, YOUNG SPICY GOT THAT 110 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,907 HEAT. >> THIS WAY TOO SPICY. >> YEAH, EXACTLY. 111 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:52,245 JUST LIKE THAT. KEEP THAT GOING. >> OOH, YOUNG SPICY FLAMING. 112 00:11:52,245 --> 00:12:00,553 >> OOH, SPICY'S HIDING SOMETHING. >> SPICY IN THE CLOSET FO SHO. 113 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:05,291 >> DAMN SPICY, WHY YOUR WRISTS SO LIMP? >> STOP, STOP THAT. 114 00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:08,094 ALL RIGHT. OKAY. SO I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING 115 00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:14,300 MENACING AND COOL, NOT ABOUT MY SEXUALITY, WHICH I'M STILL FIGURING OUT BY THE WAY. 116 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,504 >> OKAY. >> SEE, YOU SHOULD'VE JUST SAID THAT. 117 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:22,676 >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S RUN THAT BACK ONE TIME. >> OOH, SPICY'S SUPER STRAIGHT. 118 00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:29,082 >> DAMN, SPICY SO STRAIGHT IT'S FRIGHTENING. >> SPICY GET AGGRESSIVE WHEN YOU 119 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,185 QUESTION THAT. >> HEY, SPICY, DON'T GRAB LIKE THAT. 120 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:36,756 SPICY, OW, THAT HURTS. >> LET GO OF MY ARM, SPICY. >> CUT, CUT. 121 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:40,727 >> THAT'S A CUT. >> ALL RIGHT. HEY, PLEASE DON'T SAY I'M SCARY 122 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,396 TO WOMEN. ALL RIGHT? THAT IS NOT THE VIBE THAT I'M 123 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:47,534 GOING FOR. >> SO YOU'RE SAYING NO TO THAT? >> DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO WE ARE? 124 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:56,276 >> YEAH, Y'ALL ARE TWO BADDIES FROM TASK RABBIT. Y'ALL DO VOICEOVERS AND JUNK 125 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,713 REMOVAL. JUST SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY BEATS, SOMETHING LIKE YOUNG 126 00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,614 SPICY TOO NASTY. >> OF COURSE. WE CAN DO THAT. 127 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:05,085 >> THAT'S EASY. >> LET'S GO AHEAD AND MAKE THIS ONE QUICK. 128 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:11,057 IN ABOUT 90 SECONDS I NEED TO DROP SOME QUARTERS IN THE METER. MIGHT NEED SOME CHANGE FROM 129 00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:15,362 Y'ALL TOO. HERE WE GO. >> OOH, SPICY, YOU WILD FOR 130 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,497 THIS. >> EXACTLY. COUPLE MORE LIKE THAT. 131 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:21,434 >> DAMN, SPICY, A FREAK FOR REAL. >> I LIKE THAT ONE, YEAH. 132 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:27,140 >> SPICY, WHY YOU DM'ing HIGH SCHOOLERS? >> TAKE A SEAT, SPICY. 133 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:37,751 I NAME IS CHRIS HANSON. >> DAMN SPICY, WHY DID YOU DRIVE FOUR HOURS TO THE CLEVELAND 134 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:43,289 SUBURBS IN A SUCK SEE DOE. >> AND WHY YOU ONLY HAVE KY JELLY IN YOUR BAG? 135 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:47,494 >> I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE I'M A PERVERT IN A STING OPERATION, ALL RIGHT? 136 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:53,099 WHEN WE GO AGAIN THIS NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE SETUP. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS FILL IN THE 137 00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:59,105 BLANK. YOU GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE? >> MEAN, THE METER IS PAST DUE, 138 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:00,840 MAN. I'M SURE IT'S FINE. ONE MORE. 139 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:05,478 >> ALL RIGHT. SO SOMETHING LIKE, OO HARDSHIP, SPICY GOT THAT -- 140 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:09,082 >> VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER CHARGE. >> NO, NO. 141 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:13,887 SOMETHING LIKE, SPICY GOT THAT -- >> ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. 142 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:16,790 >> PLEASE, COME ON, NOTHING ABOUT MY BODY. ONE MORE TIME. 143 00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:21,895 ALL RIGHT. OOH, SPICY GOT THAT -- >> OUTDATED WAY OF THINKING. 144 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:25,799 >> SPICY LOW KEY A TRUMP SUPPORTER. >> NO, NO. 145 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:29,235 >> CUT. >> OKAY. SO I GUESS Y'ALL JUST PREFER JOE 146 00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:30,837 BIDEN, WHATEVER. ALL RIGHT. FORGET IT. 147 00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:35,709 >> LOOK, THE MAN WANTS SOMETHING SIMPLE, SOMETHING LIKE -- SPICY IN THE HOOD. 148 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:40,780 >> YEP, THAT'S IT. >> BY LAW, HE GOT TO NOTIFY HIS NEIGHBORS. 149 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,083 >> OH, COME ON! 150 00:14:47,987 --> 00:15:01,368 ** >>> BRAVO, BRAVO. 151 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:08,641 MR. BECKWITH, THE PLAY TONIGHT WAS EXTRAORDINARY, A REAL TRIUMPH. 152 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:13,747 >> THANK YOU, MS. EMILY. >> I MUST MEET THE PLAY WRIGHT. >> I'M AFRAID HE'S RATHER 153 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:19,185 PRIVATE. >> PLEASE. I FEEL LIKE OUR SOULS ARE ONE, 154 00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:24,557 AND YET I ONLY KNOW HIM AS THE ANOMALOUS MAN. >> IF YOU INSIST. 155 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:34,100 I MUST WARN YOU, EVEN IF YOU ARE SHOCKED BY HIS APPEARANCE, YOU MUSN'T SHOW IT. 156 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:39,072 IT WOULD DESTROY HIM. 157 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:48,515 PETER, YOU HAVE A GUEST. >> A GUEST? 158 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:55,155 FOR ME? ARE YOU EVER SO SURE? >> HELLO, PETER. 159 00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:59,559 I'M MS. EMILY. >> MISS, PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT ME. 160 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:07,734 I'M A MONSTER, A HIDEOUS MONSTER. >> YOU'RE NOT A MONSTER, I 161 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:14,641 HAPPEN TO THINK YOU'RE THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN I'VE EVER SEEN. >> WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND. 162 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:28,621 >> WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME, PETER? >> I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH. 163 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:34,127 I REPULSE YOU, DO I NOT? I REPULSE EVERYONE. >> NO, NO. 164 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:39,099 IT'S OKAY. I LIKE TO WATCH YOU TAKE DOWN FOOD. 165 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:49,209 IT REMINDS ME OF BACK HOME ON THE FARM. OH. 166 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:55,648 >> OH. >> WHAT'S WRONG, PETER? >> WELL, I'VE NEVER KNOWN THE 167 00:16:55,648 --> 00:17:05,825 PLEASURE OF A WOMAN'S TOUCH BEFORE. >> OH, MY. 168 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:10,430 CAN IT SEE? >> YES. AND YOU'VE NEVER LOOKED MORE 169 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:18,038 BEAUTIFUL. >> READY? >> YES. 170 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:24,244 LET ME JUST PACK MY MEAGER BELONGINGS. READY. 171 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:37,357 GOOD-BYE, OLD ROOM. GOOD-BYE, OLD LIFE. AND HELLO, LOVE. 172 00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:44,431 >> ARE YOU HAPPY, PETER? >> I'M ONE OF THE SORROWFUL ONES, AND YET YOU HAVE BROUGHT 173 00:17:44,431 --> 00:18:11,624 LIFE INTO A HEART THAT HAS ONLY KNOWN DARKNESS. >> GOOD NIGHT, MY PRINCE. 174 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,728 ARE YOU TEXTING SOMEONE? >> NO. >> WHAT DID YOU JUST HIDE? 175 00:18:14,728 --> 00:18:18,231 >> NOTHING. >> OH, MY GOD. YOU HAVE A SECOND PHONE. 176 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:26,039 >> JUST FOR WORK AND SUCH. >> SHE'S ASLEEP, WASH THAT ASS AND GET TO THE HOLIDAY INN, I'M 177 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:30,577 TRYING TO SHOW YOU WHAT THIS SNOUT DO. >> PRETTY SURE THAT'S WORK 178 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:34,914 RELATED. >> FEELING HORNY AS A MOFO. >> I THINK THAT WAS A TYPO. 179 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:40,053 >> AND SHE RESPONDED I'M GOING TO RIDE YOUR FACE UNTIL IT LOOKS NORMAL. 180 00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:43,890 >> WRONG NUMBER PERHAPS. >> YOU SENT HER THIS PICTURE WITH THE CAPTION, POV, YOU'RE 181 00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:48,928 ABOUT TO GET RAILED BY A WEIRDO. >> I CAN'T HELP BUT WRITE POETRY. 182 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:54,534 >> POETRY? LIKE THIS, YOUR BUTT, MY FACE, PRAYER HANDS EMOJI. 183 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,871 >> I THINK I'LL JUST BE GOING NOW. >> HOW MANY MORE PHONES DO YOU 184 00:18:57,871 --> 00:19:01,708 HAVE? >> WHO'S TO SAY REALLY? >> I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE. 185 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:06,913 >> JUST PACKING MY MEAGER THINGS. HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILE OF DUST? 186 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:13,687 >> GET OUT YOU UGLY FREAK! >> YOU KNOW, WE NEVER REALLY SAID WE WERE EXCLUSIVE, BUT 187 00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:24,597 OKAY. >> WOULD YOU LIKE THAT. >> YES I WOULD. 188 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:28,401 >> WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> HE SAID I BROUGHT LIGHT TO A 189 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:32,072 HEART THAT HAD ONLY KNOWN DARKNESS. >> THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS TO 190 00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:35,342 EVERYONE! >> WHAT? GET OUT OF HERE, YOU PIG! 191 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:40,513 >> GOING, GOING. >> HE IS A GREAT WRITER. >> I MEAN, YEAH, HE'S A GENIUS. 192 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:54,728 * TIME TO WAKE UP AND STAND UP TALL AND TELL YOUR NEIGHBOR GOOD 193 00:19:54,728 --> 00:19:58,965 MORNING Y'ALL * GOOD MORNING, GREENVILLE. >>> GOOD MORNING, Y'ALL. 194 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:06,272 >> GOOD MORNING, GREENVILLE. >> IT'S YOUR GIRL GAIL GOHNSON. >> AND YOUR BOY MASON MONROE 195 00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:10,477 REPORTING FOR BOOTY. WHAT? I'M SILLY TODAY. 196 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:15,682 >> WELL, SPRING HAS DEFINITELY SPRUNG HERE IN SOUTH CAROLINA, AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT ALL 197 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:23,623 THE BUZZ IS ABOUT, IT'S CICADAS. >> THEY ONLY APPEAR EVERY 17 YEARS. 198 00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:29,062 SOUNDS LIKE HOW OFTEN MY DAUGHTER COMES OUT OF HER ROOM. >> SOUNDS LIKE HOW OFTEN MY 199 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:33,400 HUSBAND TAKES ME OUT FOR DINNER. >> BUT HE'S A GOOD MAN. >> UNTIL HE DRINKS. 200 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:38,838 >> MM HMM. LATER ON IN THE PROGRAM, IS SOUP ACTUALLY BAD FOR YOU. 201 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:43,610 >> THE ANSWER WON'T SURPRISE YOU. IT'S NO. 202 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:48,982 BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO GET REAL SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT, Y'ALL, AND TALK ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN 203 00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:51,551 THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. >> YEAH. WE REALLY DO. 204 00:20:51,551 --> 00:21:00,360 >> EVERYONE KEEPS COMING UP TO ME AND ASKING, GAIL, WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THIS DRAKE/KENDRICK 205 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,831 LAMAR FEUD. >> PEOPLE KEEP ASKING, ARE YOU TEAM KENDRICK OR TEAM DRAKE, AND 206 00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:11,071 I'M LIKE, CAN'T I BE TEAM RAP IN GENERAL? BECAUSE EVERY RAPPER IS GETTING 207 00:21:11,071 --> 00:21:14,774 MIXED INTO THIS BEEF LIKE THEY WERE CHOPPED ONIONS AND CAYENNE PEPPER. 208 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:22,315 I MEAN, YOU GOT KANYE, TWO PACK, SHOOP DOG, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, ROCKY. 209 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:26,586 >> AND WHERE DOES WAYNE BRADY STAND? HAS HE RESPONDED? 210 00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:30,757 >> NOW, OUR WEATHER MAN DEREK LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO JUMP IN ON THIS. 211 00:21:30,757 --> 00:21:37,497 >> OH, THAT'S OKAY. >> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE RAPPER, DEREK? 212 00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:46,906 IS IT RIYONCE, LL COOL BEANS? >> IS IT OLD DIRTY DONKEY? >> PLEASE LET ME DO THE WEATHER 213 00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:50,610 AND GO HOME. >> HILARIOUS. WELL, THERE HAVE BEEN ABOUT A 214 00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:55,548 DOZEN DISS TRACKS BETWEEN KENDRICK AND DRAKE, INCLUDING THREE RELEASED YESTERDAY. 215 00:21:55,548 --> 00:22:01,354 OUR LOCAL CULTURE CRITIC HAS BEEN DOING A DEEP DIVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK THEY 216 00:22:01,354 --> 00:22:07,127 MEAN. PLEASE WELCOME WANDA WEEMS. >> Y'ALL, THESE DISS TRACKS ARE 217 00:22:07,127 --> 00:22:11,698 GETTING INSANE. I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR THE PAST 48 HOURS TRYING TO PIECE IT ALL 218 00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:16,269 TOGETHER. >> NOW, WANDA, YOU NORMALLY TEACH PIANO AT THE LOCAL GRADE 219 00:22:16,269 --> 00:22:21,474 SCHOOL. WHICH RAP SONGS DO YOU TEACH? >> MOSTLY ELTON JOHN. 220 00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:24,778 >> OH, OKAY. HE IS GOOD. >> YEAH, HE'S OLD SCHOOL RAP. 221 00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:29,549 >> YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD PUT OUT A DISS TRACK ABOUT YOU, MASON. 222 00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:34,521 YOUR HAIR IS MESSY AND YOU DON'T GO TO CHURCH. #. 223 00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:40,560 >> WHAT WAS THAT? THAT HURTS. >> UH-OH, KENDRICK, GAIL IS 224 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,329 COMING FOR THE THRONE. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. MAYBE. 225 00:22:43,329 --> 00:22:48,101 WELL, DEREK'S OVER THERE LOVING IT. >> OH, I SEE YOU. 226 00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:53,673 I SEE YOU HIDING, DEREK. LOOK AT YOU. NOW, WANDA, WHAT HAVE YOU 227 00:22:53,673 --> 00:23:00,480 LEARNED SO FAR? >> WELL, HERE'S ONE CLUE ON THE SONG EUPHORIA WHEN KENDRICK 228 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:06,419 DESCRIBES DRAKE AS CANADIAN, THAT'S BECAUSE DRAKE IS FROM TORONTO. 229 00:23:06,419 --> 00:23:07,854 >> OH. >> OKAY. >> OKAY. 230 00:23:07,854 --> 00:23:14,427 >> AND HE CALLS DRAKE CRODIE, WHICH IS A TERM USED BY THE CRIPS, WHICH ACCORDING TO 231 00:23:14,427 --> 00:23:18,665 WIKAPEDIA IS AN ALLIANCE OF STREET GANGS BASED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. 232 00:23:18,665 --> 00:23:22,369 >> I THINK I KNOW THE CRIPS. ARE THEY LIKE KROGER? >> NO. 233 00:23:22,369 --> 00:23:27,207 I THINK THAT'S A GROCERY STORE. CRIPS SET UP THE CAMERAS ON MOVIE SETS. 234 00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:38,184 >> OH, OKAY. >> NOW, IN DRAKE'S DISS TRACK, QUESTIONED KENDRICK'S MANHOOD 235 00:23:38,184 --> 00:23:41,521 SAYING HE WEARS A SIZE SEVEN SHOE. >> I DON'T GET THAT. 236 00:23:41,521 --> 00:23:45,592 I WEAR A SIZE FIVE. >> AND IT'S A WOMEN'S FIVE, SO IT'S A MAN'S THREE. 237 00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:55,335 >> A MAN'S THREE, CORRECT. >> BUT NOW, DRAKE IS BEING SUED BY 2 PAC'S ESTATE FOR USING AN 238 00:23:55,335 --> 00:24:00,607 AI VERSION OF HIS VOICE. >> FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION AI BECAUSE WE HAVE SOME AI THAT CAN 239 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:04,644 SETTLE THIS SILLY FEUD ONCE AND FOR ALL. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE 240 00:24:04,644 --> 00:24:13,086 WELCOME KENDRICK LAMAR AND DRAKE. >> NAH. 241 00:24:13,086 --> 00:24:20,060 >> OH, HI, DRAKE. >> OH, HELLO, KENDRICK. NOW, WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SAYING 242 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:27,801 ALL THIS MEAN STUFF ABOUT ME? >> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT. SHAME ON ME FOR DOING THOSE MEAN 243 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:33,373 RAPS ABOUT YOU. >> WELL, BLESS YOUR HEART FOR SAYING THAT. 244 00:24:33,373 --> 00:24:39,412 SHAME ON ME TOO, I SUPPOSE. >> OH, AND I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID IN MY SONG. 245 00:24:39,412 --> 00:24:44,851 YOU CAN SAY THE N WORD. >> OOH, I THINK I WILL. >> WELL, COME ON THEN. 246 00:24:44,851 --> 00:24:56,296 LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER. >> WHAT THE -- >> WELL, I'M HEARING FROM OUR 247 00:24:56,296 --> 00:25:01,801 PRODUCERS THAT WE NEED TO TAKE A QUICK BUT ALSO VERY LONG BREAK. >> NOW, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL 248 00:25:01,801 --> 00:25:08,341 PLAY A NEW CELEBRITY GAME INSPIRED BY KENDRICK'S SONG. WE'LL HAVE TO DECIDE IF THE 249 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:16,683 CELEBRITY IS BLACK OR NOT BLACK. >> HONESTLY, I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR YOUR ANSWERS, YEAH. 250 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:20,053 * TELL YOUR NEIGHBOR GOOD * MORNING Y|ALL 251 00:25:30,063 --> 00:25:31,598 >>> I'M HAVING SUCH A GREAT NIGHT WITH YOU. 252 00:25:31,598 --> 00:25:35,535 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME. YOUR PLACE IS SO NICE. >> OH, THANKS. 253 00:25:35,535 --> 00:25:38,905 YOU PROBABLY SEE A LOT OF GIRLS' APARTMENTS. >> NOT REALLY. 254 00:25:38,905 --> 00:25:44,778 YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE GIRLS I DATE LIVE IN HOUSES. WHOA. 255 00:25:44,778 --> 00:25:49,149 WHAT IS THAT? >> OH, MY LAMP THAT LOOKS LIKE BREAD? 256 00:25:49,149 --> 00:25:53,353 I KNOW, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A LAMP. >> NO. 257 00:25:53,353 --> 00:26:01,695 YOUR WALL OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE 500 NAKED TOY DOLLS. >> OH, THOSE ARE MY SUNNY 258 00:26:01,695 --> 00:26:10,403 ANGELS. AND IT'S NOT 500. IT'S NOT EVEN THE FULL 650 THAT 259 00:26:10,403 --> 00:26:14,774 YOU CAN COLLECT. AND THEY'RE NOT NAKED. THEY'RE WEARING TINY LITTLE 260 00:26:14,774 --> 00:26:17,477 HATS. AREN'T THEY SO CUTE? >> YEAH. 261 00:26:17,477 --> 00:26:23,583 I THINK I'VE SEEN THOSE ON SHY TEENAGERS' PHONE CASES. WHAT ARE THEY? 262 00:26:23,583 --> 00:26:29,322 >> SUNNY ANGELS. THEY'RE HUGE. THEY'RE COMPANIONS FOR LONELY 263 00:26:29,322 --> 00:26:32,158 25-YEAR-OLD WORKING WOMEN. >> THAT'S SO SPECIFIC. >> DON'T DISRUPT. 264 00:26:32,158 --> 00:26:36,863 LOOK, IT SAYS IT ON THE BOX. SUNNY ANGELS ARE LITTLE BOYFRIENDS. 265 00:26:36,863 --> 00:26:40,066 I'M OBSESSED WITH THEM. >> LITTLE BOYFRIENDS, HUH? I GUESS I'VE GOT SOME 266 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:46,139 COMPETITION. >> COMPETITION, OF COURSE NOT. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 267 00:26:46,139 --> 00:26:52,312 NOT WITH ALL OF THEM. JUST WITH HIM. >> HEY. 268 00:26:52,312 --> 00:26:55,081 I'M HER LITTLE BOYFRIEND. >> WHOA. THEY CAN TALK? 269 00:26:55,081 --> 00:27:00,286 >> THAT ONE CAN. HE'S SPECIAL. >> BECAUSE I'M HER LITTLE 270 00:27:00,286 --> 00:27:04,124 BOYFRIEND. I'M PART OF THE SUNNY ANGELS FRUIT SERIES, AND JUDGING BY THE 271 00:27:04,124 --> 00:27:09,429 WAY YOU DRESS, YOU'RE A FRUIT TOO. >> NICE GRAPES. 272 00:27:09,429 --> 00:27:15,301 I ALMOST DIDN'T NOTICE THEM OVER YOUR EXTREMELY LITTLE PENIS AND PERFECTLY SMOOTH BELLY BODY. 273 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:20,273 >> OOH, SOMEONE'S JEALOUS. >> I'M SORRY. IS THIS THE MUSIC FROM 274 00:27:20,273 --> 00:27:27,547 CHALLENGERS? >> IT IS. THE SCORE IS STRESSFUL, BUT 275 00:27:27,547 --> 00:27:31,651 HORNY TOO. >> COOL. I HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE. 276 00:27:31,651 --> 00:27:36,489 >> WELL, DON'T WORRY BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO LIVE IT. >> THIS IS GREAT. 277 00:27:36,489 --> 00:27:42,595 I LOVE THAT YOU'RE VOLLEYING BACK AND FORTH. IT'S LIKE A TENNIS MATCH. 278 00:27:42,595 --> 00:27:47,634 HERE, YOU TWO SIT ON THE COUCH. >> JUST THE TWO OF US? >> I'M GOING TO GO FIX US A 279 00:27:47,634 --> 00:27:56,176 SNACK. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. >> JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH. 280 00:27:56,176 --> 00:28:01,247 HAVE YOU GUYS HOOKED UP? >> DUDE, I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT. >> IT'S NOT LIKE I CARE. 281 00:28:01,247 --> 00:28:04,050 JUST TELL ME. >> I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT WITH YOU, MAN. 282 00:28:04,050 --> 00:28:08,521 >> OKAY. FINE. JUST GIVE ME A SIGNAL. 283 00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:14,094 IF YOU'VE SLEPT WITH HER, DO YOUR LITTLE POSE WITH YOUR ARMS AND LOOK TO THE LEFT LIKE THIS. 284 00:28:14,094 --> 00:28:18,932 >> WELL, I DON'T KISS AND TELL, BUT -- >> WHOA! 285 00:28:18,932 --> 00:28:26,539 HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK? HOW OLD ARE YOU? >> I'M 41, OKAY, SO IT'S NOT 286 00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:30,410 WEIRD. >> YES, IT IS! >> FINALLY, TWO BOYS WHO CAN 287 00:28:30,410 --> 00:28:35,648 ACTUALLY COMPETE. OKAY. I'M BACK. 288 00:28:35,648 --> 00:28:46,793 WITH CHURROS. THE MOST PENIS DESERT. I SURE HOPE IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU 289 00:28:46,793 --> 00:28:51,798 TWO ACT BICURIOUS. >> OKAY. WHAT IS CHALLENGERS ABOUT? 290 00:28:51,798 --> 00:28:55,669 >> TENNIS. >> IN WHAT WAY? >> BECAUSE THE WOMAN USES MEN 291 00:28:55,669 --> 00:29:01,007 LIKE TOYS LIKE TENNIS. >> SHOOT, I FORGOT THE CHOCOLATE SAUCE. 292 00:29:01,007 --> 00:29:05,011 BRB. >> JUST SO YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. 293 00:29:05,011 --> 00:29:11,584 >> WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT SOMEONE TO BE IN LOVE WITH ME? >> HMM, GIVE ME SOME. 294 00:29:11,584 --> 00:29:18,658 MM. IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU LIT UP ABOUT SOMETHING, EVEN IF THAT 295 00:29:18,658 --> 00:29:22,662 SOMETHING IS MY BIG GIRLFRIEND. IT'S WHAT'S BEEN MISSING FROM YOUR TENNIS. 296 00:29:22,662 --> 00:29:26,099 >> WHAT TENNIS? >> I'M BACK. HERE. 297 00:29:26,099 --> 00:29:31,471 WHY DON'T I SIT IN BETWEEN YOU BOYS? >> OKAY. 298 00:29:31,471 --> 00:29:38,945 >> HMM, I LIKE THIS. >> ME TOO. SO, HOW DOES THIS WORK? 299 00:29:38,945 --> 00:29:50,423 >> FIRST, YOU TWO KISS. >> UM, OKAY. WHOA. 300 00:29:50,423 --> 00:29:58,565 I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD. >> DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT SUNNY ANGEL. 301 00:29:58,565 --> 00:30:01,201 >> OH, MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? >> NOW WE'RE BOTH LITTLE 302 00:30:01,201 --> 00:30:02,769 BOYFRIENDS. 303 00:30:12,479 --> 00:30:16,783 >>> IT'S THERE FOR US WHEN WE GATHER TO SAY GOOD-BYE. 304 00:30:16,783 --> 00:30:21,621 >> AND WHEN WE GATHER TO SAY HELLO. >> IT'S THERE FOR US -- 305 00:30:21,621 --> 00:30:27,427 >> WHEN ONE CHAPTER ENDS. >> AND WHEN A NEW ONE BEGINS. >> IT'S THERE WHEN WE BRING HOME 306 00:30:27,427 --> 00:30:31,664 THE WIN. >> AND THERE WHEN WE LEAVE HOME FOR OUR NEXT ADVENTURE. 307 00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:36,836 >> WHENEVER WE GATHER, FOR REASONS HAPPY OR SAD, IT'S THERE FOR US. 308 00:30:36,836 --> 00:30:44,344 A BIG ASS ALUMINUM TRAY OF PENNE ALLA VODKA. >> LOVED BY NONE, BUT TOLERATED 309 00:30:44,344 --> 00:30:50,116 BY ALL. >> BECAUSE IT'S NOT THAT GOOD. BUT IT'S NOT THAT BAD EITHER. 310 00:30:50,116 --> 00:30:56,256 >> IT MAY NOT STAY HOT, BUT IT NEVER GETS ALL THE WAY COLD. >> WITH A NAME FANCY ENOUGH FOR 311 00:30:56,256 --> 00:31:00,560 ADULTS BUT A TASTE BLAND ENOUGH FOR CHILDREN. >> BECAUSE WE MAY NOT AGREE ON 312 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:08,234 MUCH, BUT WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT A BIG ASS ALUMINUM TRAY OF PENNE ALLA VODKA IS FINE. 313 00:31:08,234 --> 00:31:13,106 >> WHEN WE GRIEVE. >> WHEN WE CELEBRATE. >> WHEN WE HONOR OUR LIFE'S 314 00:31:13,106 --> 00:31:17,077 WORK. >> A BIG FAT TRAY OF PENNE ALLA VODKA. 315 00:31:17,077 --> 00:31:23,149 >> SERVED BY A SLIPPERY PLASTIC SPOON. >> WITH A LITTLE DELI CONTAINER 316 00:31:23,149 --> 00:31:28,655 OF PARMESAN CHEESE NEXT TO IT. >> AND A SALAD ABSOLUTELY DRENCHED IN CREAMY BALSAMIC. 317 00:31:28,655 --> 00:31:39,165 >> FOR ALL OF LIFE'S MOMENTS BIG OR SMALL WHEREVER WE GATHER, IT'S THERE FOR US. 318 00:31:39,165 --> 00:31:43,536 PENNE ALLA VODKA FROM THE MAKERS OF UNTOUCHED TRAY OF COOKIES. 319 00:31:57,217 --> 00:31:59,686 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DUA LIPA. 320 00:31:59,686 --> 00:32:08,862 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * I BEEN KNOWN TO 321 00:32:08,862 --> 00:32:15,268 MISS A RED FLAG I BEEN KNOWN TO PUT MY LOVER ON A PEDESTAL * 322 00:32:15,268 --> 00:32:20,640 * IN THE END THOSE THINGS JUST DON'T LAST * * AND IT'S TIME I TAKE 323 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,910 MY ROSE-COLORED GLASSES OFF * * I ALREADY KNOW YOUR TYPE 324 00:32:23,910 --> 00:32:26,746 TELLIN' ME THE THINGS I LIKE * * TRYIN' MAKE ME YOURS 325 00:32:26,746 --> 00:32:30,917 FOR LIFE TAKIN' ME FOR A RIDE * * I ALREADY KNOW YOUR TYPE 326 00:32:30,917 --> 00:32:35,188 THINK YOU CAN PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT * * DON'T YOU KNOW 327 00:32:35,188 --> 00:32:38,925 I COULD DO THIS DANCE ALL NIGHT OOH * 328 00:32:38,925 --> 00:32:42,729 * OOH WHAT YOU DOIN' DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK THAT 329 00:32:42,729 --> 00:32:48,702 YOU'RE CONFUSIN' * * I BE LIKE OOH IT'S AMUSIN' 330 00:32:48,702 --> 00:32:55,175 YOU THINK I'M GONNA FALL FOR AN ILLUSION * * DANCE ALL NIGHT 331 00:32:55,175 --> 00:32:58,945 DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT * 332 00:32:58,945 --> 00:33:03,216 * I BE LIKE DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT 333 00:33:03,216 --> 00:33:09,222 DANCE ALL NIGHT * * DANCE DANCE WAS A TIME WHEN THAT 334 00:33:09,222 --> 00:33:14,060 -- MIGHT HAVE WORKED * * WAS A TIME WHEN I JUST THREW A MATCH 335 00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:18,398 AND LET IT BURN NOW I'M GROWN * * I KNOW WHAT I DESERVE 336 00:33:18,398 --> 00:33:23,303 I STILL LIKE DANCIN' WITH THE LESSONS I ALREADY LEARNED * 337 00:33:23,303 --> 00:33:26,539 * I ALREADY KNOW YOUR TYPE TELLIN' ME THE THINGS I LIKE * 338 00:33:26,539 --> 00:33:30,276 * TRYIN' MAKE ME YOURS FOR LIFE TAKIN' ME FOR A RIDE * 339 00:33:30,276 --> 00:33:34,080 * I ALREADY KNOW YOUR TYPE THINK YOU CAN PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT * 340 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:38,418 * DON'T YOU KNOW I COULD DO THIS DANCE ALL NIGHT * 341 00:33:38,418 --> 00:33:44,324 * OOH WHAT YOU DOIN' DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE CONFUSIN' * 342 00:33:44,324 --> 00:33:51,664 * I BE LIKE OOH IT'S AMUSIN' YOU THINK I'M GONNA 343 00:33:51,664 --> 00:33:56,836 FALL FOR AN ILLU-U-U-USION * * DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT 344 00:33:56,836 --> 00:34:00,573 DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT * * I BE LIKE 345 00:34:00,573 --> 00:34:05,945 DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT DANCE ALL NIGHT * 346 00:34:05,945 --> 00:34:11,851 * DANCE DANCE ILLUSION I REALLY LIKE 347 00:34:11,851 --> 00:34:16,656 THE WAY YOU'RE MOVIN' * * YEAH I JUST WANNA DANCE WITH THE ILLUSION * 348 00:34:16,656 --> 00:34:19,893 * YEAH I JUST WANNA DANCE WITH YEAH 349 00:34:19,893 --> 00:34:31,137 I JUST WANNA DANCE WITH * * I COULD DANCE ALL NIGHT ** 350 00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:44,617 ** * OOH WHAT YOU DOIN' DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK 351 00:34:44,617 --> 00:34:49,422 THAT YOU'RE CONFUSIN' I BE LIKE * * OOH IT'S AMUSIN' 352 00:34:49,422 --> 00:34:56,996 YOU THINK I'M GONNA FALL FOR AN ILLU-U-U OOH WHAT YOU DOIN' * 353 00:34:56,996 --> 00:35:02,902 * DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE CONFUSIN' I BE LIKE 354 00:35:02,902 --> 00:35:12,846 OOH IT'S AMUSIN' * * YOU THINK I'M GONNA FALL FOR AN ILLU-U-U-USION * 355 00:35:12,846 --> 00:35:19,352 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 356 00:35:30,697 --> 00:35:34,934 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND 357 00:35:34,934 --> 00:35:43,476 MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 358 00:35:43,476 --> 00:35:48,248 GOOD EVENING. THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 359 00:35:48,248 --> 00:35:52,752 >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. 360 00:35:52,752 --> 00:35:58,291 WELL, IT'S THE FIRST SHOW OF SPRING, SO WE'LL START TONIGHT WITH PUPPY MURDER. 361 00:35:58,291 --> 00:36:06,099 IN A NEW BOOK, SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR KRISTI NOEM REVEALED SHE ONCE SHOT A DOG THAT WAS 362 00:36:06,099 --> 00:36:11,037 UNTRAINABLE. THAT'S INSANE. IF A TO GO IS UNTRAINABLE, YOU 363 00:36:11,037 --> 00:36:18,044 DON'T SHOOT IT. YOU GIVE IT TO PRESIDENT BIDEN. MAGA INSIDERS ARE SAYING NOEM, 364 00:36:18,044 --> 00:36:25,552 SEEN HERE WEARING THE HAIR OF THAT DOG, NOW HAS ZERO CHANCE OF BEING TRUMP'S RUNNING MATE. 365 00:36:25,552 --> 00:36:28,521 I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING TELLS ME TRUMP WOULD FULLY SUPPORT KILLING 366 00:36:28,521 --> 00:36:33,693 DISOBEDIENT PETS. >> INSIDERS SAID THAT DURING HIS HUSH MONEY TRIAL, DONALD TRUMP 367 00:36:33,693 --> 00:36:38,098 COMPLAINED THAT NONE OF HIS SUPPORTERS WERE IN COURT WITH HIM. 368 00:36:38,098 --> 00:36:45,405 THAT'S NOT TRUE. WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE COPS? >> FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP 369 00:36:45,405 --> 00:36:51,277 SEEN HERE DEFINITELY NOT SLEEPING, PROBABLY JUST PRAYING, FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE 370 00:36:51,277 --> 00:36:57,183 FIRST TIME IN HIS TRIAL WROTE A MESSAGE ON A YELLOW POST-IT NOTE AND HANDED IT TO HIS LAWYER 371 00:36:57,183 --> 00:37:03,423 WHILE HE WAS MAKING AN ARGUMENT. THE POST-IT READ SIMPLY, CAN'T PAY YOU. 372 00:37:03,423 --> 00:37:09,796 >> OFFICIALS AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY COMPLAINED THAT PROTESTORS BROKE WINDOWS AND 373 00:37:09,796 --> 00:37:16,036 DESTROYED SCHOOL PROPERTY. SO WHAT, COLLEGES ALSO DO THAT WHEN THEY WIN THE FINAL FOUR. 374 00:37:16,036 --> 00:37:20,373 ALSO, IF YOU DON'T WANT STUDENTS TO FREAK OUT, STOP TELLING THEM THE TRUTH. 375 00:37:20,373 --> 00:37:24,344 THAT'S MY ADVICE FOR SCHOOL AND RELATIONSHIPS. PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID THE 376 00:37:24,344 --> 00:37:29,215 NATIONAL GUARD SHOULD NOT BE CALLED IN TO DEAL WITH CAMPUS PROTESTS. 377 00:37:29,215 --> 00:37:38,425 I'M JUST HAPPY HE'S FINALLY NOT SENDING MILITARY AID SOMEWHERE. THAT WAS MY BEST JOKE, COLIN. 378 00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:46,066 >> REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN SAID NEXT WEEK SHE WILL FORCE A VOTE TO OUST HOUSE 379 00:37:46,066 --> 00:37:50,403 SENATOR MIKE JOHNSON. IF THERE'S ONE THING I BET SHE'S AMAZING AT, IT'S DRIVING MEN 380 00:37:50,403 --> 00:37:54,507 AWAY. >> DURING A CAMPAIGN EVENT MARKING THE START OF ASIAN 381 00:37:54,507 --> 00:38:03,817 AMERICAN AND PACIFIC ISLANDER HERITAGE MONTH, PRESIDENT BIDEN CRITICIZED JAPAN AS BEING 382 00:38:03,817 --> 00:38:09,456 XENOPHOBIC, WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE WHY WOULD THE JAPANESE BE SCARED OF FOREIGNERS? 383 00:38:09,456 --> 00:38:12,559 DRAKE JUST DROPPED ANOTHER DISS RECORD, GUYS. JUST KIDDING. 384 00:38:12,559 --> 00:38:18,365 I JUST SAY THAT WHEN I BOMB. >> FLORIDA'S NEW ABORTION BAN MEANS THE MAJORITY OF WOMEN IN 385 00:38:18,365 --> 00:38:22,535 THE SOUTH WILL HAVE TO TRAVEL MORE THAN 300 MILES FOR THE PROCEDURE. 386 00:38:22,535 --> 00:38:28,408 ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOU CAN GET FREE TRAVEL FROM NEW YORK BY DISGUISING YOURSELF AS A 387 00:38:28,408 --> 00:38:31,344 MIGRANT. >> NEW POLLS SHOW THAT SUPPORTERS OF PRESIDENT BIDEN 388 00:38:31,344 --> 00:38:35,215 AND DONALD TRUMP ARE SHARPLY DIVIDED OVER WHERE THEY GET THEIR NEWS. 389 00:38:35,215 --> 00:38:42,889 PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT BIDEN ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET THEIR NEWS FROM NEWSPAPERS AND MAIN STREAM 390 00:38:42,889 --> 00:38:47,761 MEDIA WHILE TRUMP SUPPORTS GET THEIRS FROM T-SHIRTS. >> DONALD TRUMP TOLD SUPPORTERS 391 00:38:47,761 --> 00:38:53,833 IF HE'S ELECTED, HE WILL FOCUS ON ANTI-WHITE RACISM. THANK GOD. 392 00:38:53,833 --> 00:39:03,777 MY PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH. SORRY, CHE, BUT TIME'S UP. 393 00:39:03,777 --> 00:39:10,650 >> I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO COME OUT OF YOU SOME DAY. TODAY WAS THE 150th RUNNING OF 394 00:39:10,650 --> 00:39:15,488 THE KENTUCKY DERBY, ALSO KNOWN TO HORSES AS SQUID GAME. 395 00:39:17,724 --> 00:39:20,894 >> SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR AND TRUMP'S POTENTIAL V.P. CANDIDATE 396 00:39:20,894 --> 00:39:32,439 KRISTI NOEM IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR WRITING IN HER MEMOIR ABOUT SHOOTING HER 14-MONTH-OLD PUPPY 397 00:39:32,439 --> 00:39:35,041 CRICKET. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS HER OTHER DOG. 398 00:39:35,041 --> 00:39:37,744 >> NICE TO BE HERE. CRICKET. CAN YOU SHAKE? 399 00:39:37,744 --> 00:39:40,847 DO YOU DO PAW? >> SURE. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. 400 00:39:40,847 --> 00:39:46,586 SO YOUR NAME IS ALSO CRICKET? >> MY NAME IS ACTUALLY CRICKET VII. 401 00:39:46,586 --> 00:39:50,056 >> THE SEVENTH? >> YEAH, THE FIRST SIX WERE BAD DOGS, COLIN. 402 00:39:50,056 --> 00:39:53,526 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN, RIGHT? >> SURE. 403 00:39:53,526 --> 00:39:56,396 YOU'RE HERE TO DEFEND KRISTI NOEM? >> OF COURSE. 404 00:39:56,396 --> 00:40:02,869 SHE'S A GREAT OWNER. HE'S A GREAT DOG OWNER. ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT KILLING 405 00:40:02,869 --> 00:40:05,872 ANIMALS IS JUST MEDIA SPIN. >> BUT SHE WROTE ABOUT IT IN HER OWN BOOK. 406 00:40:05,872 --> 00:40:08,008 >> I CAN'T READ. I'M A DOG. >> RIGHT. 407 00:40:08,008 --> 00:40:14,080 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MEDIA SPIN IS? >> LOOK, THE DOG WAS THE PROBLEM. 408 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:18,885 BARKING, EATING EVERY DAY. WHO DOES THAT? IF SHE DIDN'T KILL HIM, I WOULD. 409 00:40:18,885 --> 00:40:25,525 >> WOW. SO YOU'RE TEAM KRISTI? >> TEAM KRISTI FOR LIFE, FOR MY 410 00:40:25,525 --> 00:40:29,963 VERY LONG LIFE. PLEASE, I LOVE YOU, KRISTI. >> ALL RIGHT. 411 00:40:29,963 --> 00:40:36,436 JUST SEEMS UNDERNEATH IT LIKE YOU'RE A LITTLE SCARED. >> SCARED? 412 00:40:36,436 --> 00:40:41,307 I'M NOT SCARED. I HAVE A GREAT LIFE. SHE GIVES ME SO MANY TOYS. 413 00:40:41,307 --> 00:40:48,848 SHE EVEN GAVE ME A DOG BUTTON MAP. YOU CAN SAY RUN OR HUNGRY. 414 00:40:48,848 --> 00:40:53,653 CHECK IT OUT. SHE, IS, GOING, TO, KILL, ME. >> CRICKET. 415 00:40:53,653 --> 00:40:56,623 >> WHAT? THESE ARE LIKE BROKEN OR SOMETHING. 416 00:40:56,623 --> 00:41:03,096 THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY. I, DIE, TONIGHT. >> OH, MY GOD. 417 00:41:03,096 --> 00:41:09,269 LISTEN, BUDDY, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. >> DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN 418 00:41:09,269 --> 00:41:11,471 MOVEMENTS, MAN. >> I'M SORRY, MAN. >> IT'S COOL. 419 00:41:11,471 --> 00:41:16,209 IT'S COOL. MY POINT IS THAT SHE'S THE BEST. IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, I DON'T KNOW 420 00:41:16,209 --> 00:41:23,149 IF SHE RESCUED ME OR IF I'M GOING TO GET SHOT IN THE FACE. >> THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAY. 421 00:41:23,149 --> 00:41:27,721 CRICKET, YOU KNOW KRISTI WELL. WHY DO YOU THINK SHE WROTE THESE STORIES IN HER BOOK? 422 00:41:27,721 --> 00:41:37,163 >> I TOLD YOU, COLIN, I CAN'T READ. SHE, THOUGHT, TRUMP, WOULD, 423 00:41:37,163 --> 00:41:40,100 LIKE, IT. >> SO SHE WROTE THE BOOK TO SEEM TOUGH FOR TRUMP? 424 00:41:40,100 --> 00:41:48,975 >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS. BUT, SHE'S, NOT, INVITED, TO, 425 00:41:48,975 --> 00:41:57,384 MAR-A-LAGO. >> ONE OF THE DOG BUTTONS IS MAR-A-LAGO? 426 00:41:57,384 --> 00:42:03,056 >> HEY, HEY, YOU KNOW SHE'S WRITING ANOTHER BOOK. SHE KEEPS SAYING, YOU BETTER 427 00:42:03,056 --> 00:42:06,659 BEHAVE OR YOU'RE GOING TO GO IN THE BOOK. >> OH, MY GOD. 428 00:42:06,659 --> 00:42:14,367 SO SHE JUST KILLS ALL HER ANIMALS? >> YEAH, COLIN, SHE KILLS ALL 429 00:42:14,367 --> 00:42:20,674 HER ANIMALS. >> YOU WROTE ME A NOTE? I WASN'T BEING SARCASTIC. 430 00:42:20,674 --> 00:42:23,476 >> WHY WOULD YOU READ THAT OUT LOUD? >> CRICKET, EVERYONE. 431 00:42:23,476 --> 00:42:27,547 >> I'M A GOOD BOY. >> HE'S A GOOD BOY. 432 00:42:28,415 --> 00:42:33,086 >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT BOTH BOOMER ESIASON AND PHIL SIMMS 433 00:42:33,086 --> 00:42:39,793 ARE LEAVING CBS' THE NFL TODAY. THE FORMER QUARTERBACK SAID THEY WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME FIGURING 434 00:42:39,793 --> 00:42:46,766 OUT WHICH IS WHICH. >> FANS OF THE CHILDREN'S SHOW BLUEY ARE SAYING THAT A LINE IN 435 00:42:46,766 --> 00:42:52,806 A RECENT EPISODE HINTED THAT BLUEY'S MOM USED TO GO TO A PARK TO SMOKE MARIJUANA. 436 00:42:52,806 --> 00:43:00,847 MEANWHILE OVER AT COCO MELON, EVERY BABY IS ON ACID. JUST HOURS AGO, THE KENTUCKY 437 00:43:00,847 --> 00:43:07,087 DERBY WAS WON IN A PHOTO FINISH BY MYSTIC DAN. THAT'S ALSO THE GUY WHO SELLS 438 00:43:07,087 --> 00:43:11,925 ACID TO COCO MELON. >> IT WAS REPORTED THAT SYLVESTER STALLONE IS WRITING A 439 00:43:11,925 --> 00:43:20,700 MEMOIR. IT'S 300 PAGES LONG AND HAS A WORD COUNT OF ONE. 440 00:43:20,700 --> 00:43:23,670 THAT'S GOOD ACTING, RIGHT, COLIN? YOU LIKE THAT. 441 00:43:23,670 --> 00:43:31,277 I WAS WORKING ON IT ALL DAY. >> AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOLTEACHER IN WISCONSIN WAS ARRESTED AFTER 442 00:43:31,277 --> 00:43:37,851 SHE ALLEGEDLY MADE OUT WITH ONE OF HER FIFTH GRADE STUDENTS JUST MONTHS BEFORE HER WEDDING, WHICH 443 00:43:37,851 --> 00:43:43,223 IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY AT CHUCK E. CHEESE. 444 00:43:45,125 --> 00:43:51,297 FORMER CHILD STAR JOJO SIWA JUST RELEASED HER FIRST GROWN UP 445 00:43:51,297 --> 00:43:57,103 SINGLE KARMA AND SURPRISED PEOPLE WITH HER NEW GOOD GIRL GONE BAD PERSONA. 446 00:43:57,103 --> 00:44:03,843 HERE TO COMMENT IS JOJO SIWA * KARMA'S A BITCH, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER, IF I HAD A WISH, I 447 00:44:03,843 --> 00:44:09,449 WOULD HAVE NEVER F'd AROUND * >> WOW. OH, MY GOD, JOJO. 448 00:44:09,449 --> 00:44:15,922 >> THAT'S WHAT I CALL IT. I'M A BAD GIRL NOW. >> YEAH. 449 00:44:15,922 --> 00:44:20,827 JOJO, THIS IS A VERY DIFFERENT LOOK. WE'RE ALL USED TO YOU WEARING 450 00:44:20,827 --> 00:44:23,930 OUTFITS LIKE THIS. BUT NOW IT'S THIS. >> YEAH, YEAH. 451 00:44:23,930 --> 00:44:32,205 IT'S A PRETTY BIG CHANGE. I USED TO BE RAINBOW SPARKLES, AND NOW I'M BLACK SPARKLES. 452 00:44:32,205 --> 00:44:37,510 I LOOK LIKE IF A FIGURE SKATER JOINED A STREET GANG. >> YEAH. 453 00:44:37,510 --> 00:44:43,850 I WAS GOING TO SAY IF MAD MAX WAS ON BROADWAY. >> DOES IT SCARE YOU, COLIN? 454 00:44:43,850 --> 00:44:48,688 DOES A FORMER CHILD STAR LOOKING LIKE THIS SCARE YOU? >> YEAH, BUT NOT IN THE WAY 455 00:44:48,688 --> 00:44:56,363 YOU'RE HOPING. >> YEAH. I'M IN MY BAD GIRL ERA NOW. 456 00:44:56,363 --> 00:45:06,339 I EVEN DO CIGARETTES. WATCH. >> THAT'S VERY NATURAL. 457 00:45:06,339 --> 00:45:10,343 I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE UNLESS YOU'RE DAVE CHAPPELLE. 458 00:45:10,343 --> 00:45:15,515 >> WELL, THEN I'LL JUST HIDE IT IN MY BREAST PART OF MY BODY SUIT FOR LATER. 459 00:45:15,515 --> 00:45:19,919 >> REALLY COOL. SO HOW ARE PEOPLE REACTING TO YOUR TRANSFORMATION? 460 00:45:19,919 --> 00:45:28,561 >> IT'S BEEN CALLED GUTSY, BRAVE. >> AND WHO ARE THOSE QUOTES 461 00:45:28,561 --> 00:45:31,831 ATTRIBUTED TO? >> ME. I'M VERY COCKY. 462 00:45:31,831 --> 00:45:41,574 THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID * KARMA'S A BITCH * BUT SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, COLIN, 463 00:45:41,574 --> 00:45:44,411 I'VE COMPLETELY REINVENTED MYSELF. I MEAN, NO ONE MY AGE HAS DONE 464 00:45:44,411 --> 00:45:48,782 THIS. >> YEAH. AND HOW OLD ARE YOU, JOJO? 465 00:45:48,782 --> 00:45:58,692 >> WELL, FROM 2011 TO 2023, I WAS 8. BUT NOW, I'M 20 AND GAY. 466 00:45:58,692 --> 00:46:02,595 I'M THE FIRST GAY GIRL IN THE WORLD! BET YOU NEVER MET A GAY GIRL 467 00:46:02,595 --> 00:46:12,906 BEFORE. >> YEAH. WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, A LOT 468 00:46:12,906 --> 00:46:20,914 OF THE WOMEN I DATED TURNED GAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BUT, JOJO, YOU WERE QUOTED AS 469 00:46:20,914 --> 00:46:23,950 SAYING YOU INVENTED A NEW GENERA OF MUSIC. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 470 00:46:23,950 --> 00:46:31,458 GAY POP. >> I THINK THAT'S MAYBE JUST POP. 471 00:46:31,458 --> 00:46:38,798 BUT I HAVE TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? >> BECAUSE I'M AN ARTIST, COLIN. 472 00:46:38,798 --> 00:46:46,072 I'M HOLDING A MIRROR UP TO SOCIETY AND THEN I'M HOLDING THAT MIRROR UP TO MYSELF AND 473 00:46:46,072 --> 00:46:49,909 THINKING, WHOA, THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE? BECAUSE THAT'S CRAZY. 474 00:46:49,909 --> 00:46:55,682 HIT THE TRACK! * KARMA'S A BITCH, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER * 475 00:46:55,682 --> 00:47:00,420 >> JOJO SIWA, EVERYONE. 476 00:47:04,024 --> 00:47:10,363 >> NEARLY 100,000 POUNDS OF >> NEARLY 100,000 POUNDS OF 477 00:47:10,363 --> 00:47:17,871 SLICED PERCUTTA WAS BEING RECALLED FOR NOT BEING INSPECTED PROPERLY. 478 00:47:17,871 --> 00:47:23,043 I THOUGHT THAT WAS AN ITALIAN SLUR FOR GAY. ALL RIGHT. 479 00:47:23,043 --> 00:47:28,415 >> I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. >> THIS IS A REALLY ROUGH EPISODE FOR ME, COLIN. 480 00:47:28,415 --> 00:47:34,287 >> AN 11-DAY CRUISE IS BEING OFFERED NEXT YEAR FROM MIAMI TO THE CARIBBEAN IN WHICH 481 00:47:34,287 --> 00:47:45,699 PASSENGERS WILL BE NUDE. THE CRUISE WILL OFFER PICKLE BALL, CORN HOLE, AND ALSO GAMES. 482 00:47:45,699 --> 00:47:52,806 A NEW REPORT CHRONICLES A DISORDER CALLED SEX SOMNIA IN WHICH PEOPLE TRY TO HAVE SEX 483 00:47:52,806 --> 00:48:00,013 WHILE THEY'RE ASLEEP. THE REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE NAMED PHIL FOZBY. 484 00:48:00,013 --> 00:48:06,252 >> MAY IS NATIONAL MASTURBATION MONTH, SO STOP KNOCKING ON MY DRESSING ROOM DOOR. 485 00:48:10,824 --> 00:48:15,362 >> DON'T. DON'T ENCOURAGE. 486 00:48:15,362 --> 00:48:21,468 >> HAVING A REAL ROUGH TIME. >> WELL, GUYS, OFTEN TIMES WHEN AN ACTOR IS PROMOTING A NEW 487 00:48:21,468 --> 00:48:26,306 MOVIE, LET'S SAY A NETFLIX MOVIE, THEY HAVE TO DO A LOT OF PRESS, SOMETIMES TOO MUCH PRESS. 488 00:48:26,306 --> 00:48:41,321 HERE TO COMMENT IS A MAN WHO DID TOO MUCH PRESS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 489 00:48:41,321 --> 00:48:46,793 HI. HELLO. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 490 00:48:46,793 --> 00:48:53,667 >> SURE, SURE. WHERE AM I EXACTLY? >> YOU'RE ON "WEEKEND UPDATE." 491 00:48:53,667 --> 00:48:55,735 >> OH. IS THIS A PODCAST? >> NO. 492 00:48:55,735 --> 00:48:59,906 YOU'RE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." >> OH, LIVE TV. OH, MY GOD. 493 00:48:59,906 --> 00:49:04,744 I GOT TO STOP. >> YEAH. YOU'VE KIND OF BEEN EVERYWHERE. 494 00:49:04,744 --> 00:49:11,217 I'VE SEEN YOU -- I EVEN SAW YOU ON RICH IZEN. >> I WASN'T. 495 00:49:11,217 --> 00:49:14,387 >> YOU WERE. I SAW IT. >> I FIND HIM ACCESSIBLE. 496 00:49:14,387 --> 00:49:18,658 >> BUT IT'S A SPORTS SHOW. >> I KNOW. I KNOW THAT NOW. 497 00:49:18,658 --> 00:49:22,829 >> FOR THE VIEWERS, HOW DOES SOMEONE KNOW THAT THEY'RE DOING EXCESSIVE PRESS? 498 00:49:22,829 --> 00:49:28,034 >> THAT'S THE THING. YOU DON'T KNOW UNTIL SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU SHOWS YOU A 499 00:49:28,034 --> 00:49:35,909 VIDEO PACKAGE AND YOU SEE YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WITH THESE NAMES, HODA, MOROCCO, SHYNELL, 500 00:49:35,909 --> 00:49:36,910 VLAD. >> VLAD? >> YEAH. 501 00:49:36,910 --> 00:49:45,318 I TALKED TO A GUY NAMED VLAD. AND I KNOW I CAN'T UNDO ALL THE PRESS I'VE DONE, BUT I WANT TO 502 00:49:45,318 --> 00:49:49,489 HELP OTHER PEOPLE. IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH PRESS, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. 503 00:49:49,489 --> 00:49:56,830 I'M TALKING TO YOU, RYAN GOSLING. WHEN I STARTED DOING PRESS, I 504 00:49:56,830 --> 00:50:03,770 WAS LIKE YOU, FUNNY, GOOD LOOKING, NOW LOOK AT ME. YOU THINK THIS IS HOW I WANTED 505 00:50:03,770 --> 00:50:11,745 TO SPEND MY 26th BIRTHDAY? BUT YOU CAN GET CLEAN. >> IS THAT YOUR PHONE? 506 00:50:11,745 --> 00:50:16,816 >> YEAH. EXCUSE ME. UNIVISION? 507 00:50:16,816 --> 00:50:21,955 YEAH, I'M READY. >> HE'S DOING ANOTHER INTERVIEW? >> WHAT IS THIS, SPANISH? 508 00:50:21,955 --> 00:50:26,026 FINE. WHAT IS THE DIALECT? YEAH, I CAN DO THAT. 509 00:50:26,026 --> 00:50:35,502 WHO'S THE HOST? POPEY, PIPPA. I LOVE YOUR SHOW. 510 00:50:35,502 --> 00:50:44,177 ARE YOU KIDDING, ALL THE TIME. UNFROSTED IS A DELIGHTFUL CRAZY TALE WITH SOME FUNNY PEOPLE AS 511 00:50:44,177 --> 00:50:48,815 YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE. >> THE MAN WHO DID TOO MUCH PRESS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 512 00:50:48,815 --> 00:50:55,255 >> LOOK FOR ME ON KELLY CLARKSON. >> GOODNIGHT 513 00:51:07,467 --> 00:51:10,170 >>> OKAY, MRS. PARKS, WE JUST GOT YOUR CHART. 514 00:51:10,170 --> 00:51:13,073 WAIT RIGHT HERE. THE DOCTOR WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY. 515 00:51:13,073 --> 00:51:16,176 >> THANK YOU. >> AND YOU'RE SURE THIS DOCTOR'S GOOD? 516 00:51:16,176 --> 00:51:22,582 >> HONEY, YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T MAKE A FUSS. >> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY 517 00:51:22,582 --> 00:51:27,721 DR. MORGAN WOULD CHOOSE NOW OF ALL TIMES TO GO ON VACATION. >> TRUST ME. 518 00:51:27,721 --> 00:51:33,093 YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. FAT DADDY IS A MORE THAN CAPABLE OBGYN. 519 00:51:33,093 --> 00:51:40,133 >> FAT DADDY? THE DOCTOR'S NAME IS FAT DADDY? >> BABE, CHILL, YOU'RE STRESSING 520 00:51:40,133 --> 00:51:44,571 ME OUT. >> GOOD MORNING, FOLKS. >> GOOD MORNING, DR. FAT DADDY. 521 00:51:44,571 --> 00:51:47,173 >> PLEASE. IT'S JUST FAT DADDY. >> I'M SORRY. 522 00:51:47,173 --> 00:51:52,912 WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON YOUR JACKET? >> OH, THIS? 523 00:51:52,912 --> 00:51:57,517 I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. THAT'S JUST SAUCE. >> BABE, JUST LET HIM DO HIS 524 00:51:57,517 --> 00:52:00,253 JOB. >> LET ME GUESS, FIRST TIME PARENTS? 525 00:52:00,253 --> 00:52:04,391 >> YES. AND I'M STARTING TO THINK HE'S MORE NERVOUS THAN I AM. 526 00:52:04,391 --> 00:52:07,660 >> I GET IT. I'VE BEEN THERE. EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE. 527 00:52:07,660 --> 00:52:10,430 DR. MORGAN SENT OVER YOUR CHARTS. SAYS WE ARE SEVEN MONTHS 528 00:52:10,430 --> 00:52:14,467 PREGNANT. WE'RE GO TO DO A QUICK ULTRASOUND, MAKE SURE EVERYTHING 529 00:52:14,467 --> 00:52:17,070 LOOKS OKAY. SOUND GOOD? >> YEAH. 530 00:52:17,070 --> 00:52:25,845 THANK YOU, FAT DADDY. >> CAN I JUST ASK HOW YOU GOT THAT NAME? 531 00:52:25,845 --> 00:52:29,082 >> THAT'S SO RUDE. >> IT'S OKAY. BEFORE I BECAME AN OBGYN, I WAS 532 00:52:29,082 --> 00:52:35,221 THE PIT MASTER AT THE BARBECUE PALACE ON 78. >> WE LOVE THAT PLACE. 533 00:52:35,221 --> 00:52:41,928 I'M REAL PROUD OF IT. YEP. YOU KNOW, THIS GOING TO BE A 534 00:52:41,928 --> 00:52:48,168 LITTLE COLD, ALL RIGHT? DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT NOTHING, 535 00:52:48,168 --> 00:52:53,306 ALL RIGHT. NOW, BARBECUE IS JUST SOMETHING I KNOW HOW TO DO, BUT MY TRUE 536 00:52:53,306 --> 00:52:57,477 PASSION HAS ALWAYS BEEN GYNECOLOGY, EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY. 537 00:52:57,477 --> 00:52:58,745 YEP. YEAH. ALL RIGHT. 538 00:52:58,745 --> 00:53:05,385 YEAH, THAT'S GOING TO BE SOME GOOD HEAT. >> SO, WHEN EXACTLY DID YOU GET 539 00:53:05,385 --> 00:53:08,855 YOUR DEGREE? >> UM, YOU KNOW WHAT? HOLD THAT THOUGHT. 540 00:53:08,855 --> 00:53:16,196 LET ME SEE SOMETHING HERE. NURSE. >> YES, FAT DADDY? 541 00:53:16,196 --> 00:53:21,468 >> UM, I DON'T SEE NO BABY. >> FOR REAL? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE 542 00:53:21,468 --> 00:53:25,105 PREGNANT. >> I'M VISIBLY PREGNANT. >> BABE, WE SHOULD GO. 543 00:53:25,105 --> 00:53:28,742 THIS GUY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING. >> HANG ON, HANG ON. 544 00:53:28,742 --> 00:53:33,179 LET'S CALM DOWN. YOU SEE THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TRUST THESE MACHINES. 545 00:53:33,179 --> 00:53:37,584 SOMETIMES, JUST LIKE IN BARBECUE, YOU GOT TO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES. 546 00:53:37,584 --> 00:53:42,422 NURSE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER TEMPERATURE CHILD I DUG ON IN THE PIT. 547 00:53:42,422 --> 00:53:50,964 YEAH, I'M GOING IN. >> WAIT, WAIT. SHOULDN'T YOU BE WEARING GLOVES? 548 00:53:50,964 --> 00:53:57,103 >> DARRYL, I ASKED YOU TO COME HERE FOR SUPPORT AND TO SEE IF YOU'RE REALLY READY TO BE A 549 00:53:57,103 --> 00:54:02,042 FATHER. >> NOW, WHERE IS HE? >> YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM READY TO 550 00:54:02,042 --> 00:54:05,679 BE A FATHER. >> WELL, THEN STOP MAKING THINGS WEIRD. 551 00:54:05,679 --> 00:54:12,252 >> OKAY. 2-2-5, THAT'S SLOW AND LOW. >> I CAN'T FIND -- I FOUND HIM. 552 00:54:12,252 --> 00:54:21,761 ALL RIGHT. EVERYTHING LOOK GOOD. >> COULD YOU NOT LICK YOUR 553 00:54:21,761 --> 00:54:27,067 FINGERS? >> OH, YOU RIGHT. MY BAD. 554 00:54:27,067 --> 00:54:32,072 THAT'S A BAD HABIT. NURSE, HAND ME THE PAPER TOWELS, PLEASE. 555 00:54:32,072 --> 00:54:36,710 YOUR BABY'S LOOKING GOOD, COMING ALONG REAL NICE. JUST A LITTLE DRY. 556 00:54:36,710 --> 00:54:42,682 THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THOUGH. I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU ROTATE HIM EVERY WEEK OR SO. 557 00:54:42,682 --> 00:54:48,121 YOU KNOW WHAT, I WOULD LET IT GO ABOUT ANOTHER MONTH AND A HALF, TWO MONTHS. 558 00:54:48,121 --> 00:54:52,559 SHOULD BE FALLING RIGHT OFF THE BONE THEN. >> FALL OFF THE BONE? 559 00:54:52,559 --> 00:55:00,033 >> THAT'S JUST MEDICAL JARGON. ALSO, I WANT TO SAY YOUR PH IS A LITTLE OFF, SO I'M GOING TO PUT 560 00:55:00,033 --> 00:55:04,471 YOU ON SOME SUPPLEMENTS. TRACEY? >> YES, FAT DADDY. 561 00:55:04,471 --> 00:55:18,551 >> GO ON AND WRITE THIS SCRIPT DOWN, PLEASE. IRON, ALKALINE WATER, APPLE SIGH 562 00:55:18,551 --> 00:55:25,058 -- SIGH CAR VINEGAR. A LITTLE COCA-COLA. 563 00:55:36,169 --> 00:55:54,187 >>> ONCE AGAIN, THE DUA LIPA. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 564 00:55:54,187 --> 00:55:59,626 * LATE ON A TUESDAY I SAW YOUR PICTURE YOU WERE SO HAPPY 565 00:55:59,626 --> 00:56:05,532 I COULD JUST TELL * * SHE'S REALLY PRETTY I THINK SHE'S A MODEL 566 00:56:05,532 --> 00:56:14,174 BABY TOGETHER YOU LOOK HOT AS HELL * * AND I DIDN'T EVEN 567 00:56:14,174 --> 00:56:22,182 WANT TO CRY OH WHAT IS THIS FEELING COULDN'T BELIEVE IT * 568 00:56:22,182 --> 00:56:31,391 * HAD TO ASK MYSELF WHY I MUST'VE LOVED YOU MORE THAN I EVER KNEW * 569 00:56:31,391 --> 00:56:38,898 * DIDN'T KNOW I COULD EVER FEEL 'CAUSE I'M HAPPY FOR YOU * 570 00:56:38,898 --> 00:56:45,972 * NOW I KNOW EVERYTHING WAS REAL * * I'M NOT MAD I'M NOT HURT 571 00:56:45,972 --> 00:56:52,479 YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE * * OH I MUST'VE LOVED YOU 572 00:56:52,479 --> 00:57:01,654 MORE THAN I EVER KNEW I'M HAPPY FOR YOU * * AND LOOKING BACK NOW 573 00:57:01,654 --> 00:57:08,595 I HOPE YOU SEE IT EVEN THE HARD PARTS WERE ALL FOR THE BEST * 574 00:57:08,595 --> 00:57:13,400 * I SEE WHERE YOU'RE AT NOW YOU PICKED UP THE PIECES AND THEN YOU GAVE THEM 575 00:57:13,400 --> 00:57:22,575 TO SOMEBODY ELSE * * AND I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO CRY 576 00:57:22,575 --> 00:57:31,651 OH WHAT IS THIS FEELING COULDN'T BELIEVE IT * * HAD TO ASK MYSELF WHY 577 00:57:31,651 --> 00:57:38,625 I MUST'VE LOVED YOU MORE THAN I EVER KNEW * * DIDN'T KNOW 578 00:57:38,625 --> 00:57:46,733 I COULD EVER FEEL 'CAUSE I'M HAPPY FOR YOU * * NOW I KNOW 579 00:57:46,733 --> 00:57:53,673 EVERYTHING WAS REAL I'M NOT MAD I'M NOT HURT * * YOU GOT EVERYTHING 580 00:57:53,673 --> 00:58:03,383 YOU DESERVE OH I MUST'VE LOVED YOU MORE THAN I EVER KNEW * 581 00:58:03,383 --> 00:58:15,762 * I'M HAPPY FOR YOU YOU YOU YOU I'M HAPPY FOR YOU 582 00:58:15,762 --> 00:58:22,202 YOU YOU YOU * * I'M HAPPY FOR OH I MUST'VE LOVED YOU 583 00:58:22,202 --> 00:58:29,743 MORE THAN I EVER KNEW * * DIDN'T KNOW I COULD EVER FEEL 584 00:58:29,743 --> 00:58:37,217 'CAUSE I'M HAPPY FOR YOU * * NOW I KNOW EVERYTHING WAS REAL 585 00:58:37,217 --> 00:58:43,723 I'M NOT MAD I'M NOT HURT * * YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE 586 00:58:43,723 --> 00:58:52,966 OH I MUST'VE LOVED YOU MORE THAN I EVER KNEW * * I'M HAPPY FOR YOU * 587 00:58:52,966 --> 00:59:13,086 ** ** ** 588 00:59:13,086 --> 00:59:23,563 ** 589 00:59:38,912 --> 00:59:45,051 >>> IT'S FASHION SEASON. WITH RED CARPETS GOING VIRAL AND 590 00:59:45,051 --> 00:59:48,054 THE MET GALA RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, EVERYONE'S SERVING LOOKS. 591 00:59:48,054 --> 00:59:51,224 >> ALL MY FAVORITE ARTISTS ARE WEARING PINS THAT SUPPORT CAUSES. 592 00:59:51,224 --> 00:59:55,295 I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I CARE TOO, BUT I'M NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT TO SAY. 593 00:59:55,295 --> 01:00:00,266 >> WITH SO MANY COMPLICATED ISSUES OUT THERE, IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHEN THE JOIN THE 594 01:00:00,266 --> 01:00:05,572 CONVERSATION AND HOW. >> IT'S WRONG TO STAY SILENT, BUT IT'S ALSO WRONG TO SAY TOO 595 01:00:05,572 --> 01:00:08,375 MUCH. I WISH THERE WAS A WAY TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE. 596 01:00:08,375 --> 01:00:14,581 >> INTRODUCING TEENY TINY STATEMENT PIN TWB NEW CARPET ACCESSORY THAT'S SO SMALL, IT'S 597 01:00:14,581 --> 01:00:19,285 BARELY VISIBLE. >> NOT EVERYONE HAS TO BE BOMBARDED WITH MY OPINIONS, BUT 598 01:00:19,285 --> 01:00:26,259 IF THEY WANT THEM, THEY CAN ZOOM WAY, WAY, WAY IN. >> I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT AND 599 01:00:26,259 --> 01:00:29,863 NO ONE HAS TO KNOW. >> THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR PIN CAN MAKE A STATEMENT 600 01:00:29,863 --> 01:00:34,834 ABOUT WHATEVER'S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU LIKE -- >> LOVE IS LOVE. 601 01:00:34,834 --> 01:00:39,873 >> PROTECT DEMOCRACY. >> FREE ELLEN. >> PAY TEACHERS MORE. 602 01:00:39,873 --> 01:00:48,214 >> WE HAVE THE MEATS. >> OR WE NO HAVE NO MEATS. >> YOU CAN BE A TEENY TINY PART 603 01:00:48,214 --> 01:00:52,252 OF THE CONVERSATION. >> YOU FEEL VERY CONFIDENT IN MY OPINION, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, IT 604 01:00:52,252 --> 01:00:56,856 IS A BAD ONE, AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT. >> IT'S THE PERFECT STATEMENT 605 01:00:56,856 --> 01:01:01,728 PIECE TO STYLE WITH ANY OUTFIT BECAUSE IT'S INVISIBLE. I'M EVEN WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW. 606 01:01:01,728 --> 01:01:08,535 >> SOMETIMES A PHRASE ISN'T NUANCED ENOUGH, THAT'S WHY TEENY TINY STATEMENT PIN HAS SPACE FOR 607 01:01:08,535 --> 01:01:12,138 UP TO 10,000 WORDS. >> WOW. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY. 608 01:01:12,138 --> 01:01:17,477 >> IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE 609 01:01:17,477 --> 01:01:24,084 IMPORTANT, THEN YOU'LL LOVE OUR NEW VAGUE COLLECTION, A RANDOM FLAG THAT BELONGS TO NO COUNTRY, 610 01:01:24,084 --> 01:01:30,090 A CAT AND BABY TOGETHER, IT HAS TO STOP AND IT HAS TO START. >> THANKS TEENY TINY STATEMENT 611 01:01:30,090 --> 01:01:33,760 PIN. WHOOPS I DROPPED IT. >> TEENY TINY STATEMENT PIN. 612 01:01:33,760 --> 01:01:36,396 IF YOU DROP IT, IT'S GONE FOREVER. 613 01:01:49,509 --> 01:01:53,580 >>> LISTEN UP, GANG. WE'RE ALMOST DONE WITH Q1 HERE 614 01:01:53,580 --> 01:02:00,920 AT ROSEMAN FAMILY FLOORING, AND OUR NUMBERS ARE BAD. >> AND WE'RE GETTING CREAMED BY 615 01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:08,862 TILE AND CARPET BECAUSE THEIR Q1 HAS BEEN GANG BUSTERS. >> THEY HAVE A PHONE NUMBER THAT 616 01:02:08,862 --> 01:02:13,333 STICK IN EVERYONE'S HEADS. WE DON'T HAVE THAT. WHAT'S OUR NUMBER? 617 01:02:13,333 --> 01:02:21,174 >> 13525550178. >> WE NEED TO MAKE THAT NUMBER INTO A JINGLE THAT'S EVEN 618 01:02:21,174 --> 01:02:27,247 CATCHIER. >> BUT, BOSS, THERE'S NO WAY TO MAKE THAT NUMBER A CATCHY 619 01:02:27,247 --> 01:02:31,518 JINGLE. >> IT'S WAY TOO COMPLICATED. >> LAST NIGHT, MITCHELL AND I 620 01:02:31,518 --> 01:02:36,556 WENT TO LUCCIANOS. >> AND I WAS DRINKING, AND WHEN I SAY DRINKING, I DON'T MEAN 621 01:02:36,556 --> 01:02:44,931 DRINKING, I MEAN I WAS GETTING RIPPED OFF STRAWBERRY DAQS. >> WHILE MITCHELL WAS CRUSHING 622 01:02:44,931 --> 01:02:51,404 THEM, A BAND TOOK THE STAGE AND LAID DOWN THE CATCHIEST HOOKS I HAD EVER HEARD. 623 01:02:51,404 --> 01:03:01,815 FELLAS, GET IN HERE. >> HELLO, CARPET PEOPLE. >> WE ARE SOUL BOOTH. 624 01:03:01,815 --> 01:03:06,319 >> THIS IS SOUL BOOTH, AND THEY'RE HERE TO SAVE US. >> I HEARD Y'ALL NEED A SEXY 625 01:03:06,319 --> 01:03:13,126 LITTLE JINGLE TO JUICE UP YOUR Q1. >> YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE? 626 01:03:13,126 --> 01:03:21,801 THEY AIN'T READY. JINGLE RIGHT HERE. ONE! 627 01:03:21,801 --> 01:03:24,904 35. HOO! COME ON. 628 01:03:24,904 --> 01:03:35,915 THE NEXT NUMBER IS -- TWO! ** FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, 629 01:03:35,915 --> 01:03:37,784 FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE -- ZERO! HOO! 630 01:03:37,784 --> 01:03:47,627 ** ONE! SEVEN! 631 01:03:47,627 --> 01:03:56,970 ** AND EIGHT! WHO YA GONNA CALL, WHO YA GONNA 632 01:03:56,970 --> 01:04:02,876 CALL, WHO YA GONNA CALL, TELL 'EM. ** 633 01:04:02,876 --> 01:04:07,247 ROSEMAN, ROSEMAN FAMILY FLOORING. >> GUYS, I'M SORRY BUT THAT'S 634 01:04:07,247 --> 01:04:15,221 NOT GOING TO WORK FOR US. >> WHAT'S WRONG, SUGAR? >> DOESN'T FEEL LIKE WHAT WE 635 01:04:15,221 --> 01:04:21,094 HEARD AT LUCCIANOS. >> OH, YOU WANT LUCH? >> YES. 636 01:04:21,094 --> 01:04:26,266 WHEN I HEAR THIS TRACK, I SHOULD FEEL LIKE I'M RIPPED TO THE GODS AT LUCH. 637 01:04:26,266 --> 01:04:28,968 FEEL ME? >> AND I THINK THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE CLOSER TOGETHER. 638 01:04:28,968 --> 01:04:33,106 >> AND I THINK YOU SAID WAY TOO MANY FIVES. >> NOTES RECEIVED. 639 01:04:33,106 --> 01:04:38,812 >> WELL, I THINK WE GOT JUST THE GROOVE. ** 640 01:04:38,812 --> 01:04:42,482 >> YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE? SEXY LITTLE NUMBER FOR YOU RIGHT HERE. 641 01:04:42,482 --> 01:04:47,153 COME ON. MAKE LOVE TO ME. HERE WE GO. 642 01:04:47,153 --> 01:04:57,297 ** ONE, TWO, THREE, TWO, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, ZERO, ONE, SEVEN, 643 01:04:57,297 --> 01:05:09,109 EIGHT, 78, TELL THEM, 135, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE. ROSEMAN FLAMILY, 78, 78, 644 01:05:09,109 --> 01:05:11,644 ROSEMAN, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE. >> DO I LOOK LIKE A DUMB ASS TO YOU? 645 01:05:11,644 --> 01:05:16,416 YOU CALL THAT A LUCHED UP TRACK? >> THAT TRACK WAS HALF-LUCHED TOPS. 646 01:05:16,416 --> 01:05:20,053 >> TOPS. I MEAN, WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THIS? 647 01:05:20,053 --> 01:05:23,723 I SHOULD FEEL FIVE DECKS DEEP AT LUCH RIGHT NOW. >> IS THAT SO HARD? 648 01:05:23,723 --> 01:05:30,130 IS IT REALLY SO HARD TO WRITE A JINGLE THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING DAQUED DOWN IN THE 649 01:05:30,130 --> 01:05:35,435 BACK OF LUCH. RICKY'S ABOUT TO CUT ME OFF, BUT THEN THAT PEPPER BOY WITH THE 650 01:05:35,435 --> 01:05:40,473 BOWL CUT LOOKS LIKE THE GOOD DOCTOR ABOUT TO MAKE ME ACT UP! >> EXACTLY. 651 01:05:40,473 --> 01:05:45,612 IF YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT TO US, THEN WE'RE DONE HERE. UNDERSTAND? 652 01:05:45,612 --> 01:05:50,717 >> FLABSOLUTELY. >> ALSO, I WOULD LOVE IT IF THE NUMBER WAS CLEARER. 653 01:05:50,717 --> 01:05:53,486 >> ALL RIGHT. I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE JUST THE THING. 654 01:05:53,486 --> 01:05:59,092 ** >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Q1 IS COMING TO A CLOSE. 655 01:05:59,092 --> 01:06:04,297 IT'S A SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR FOR US ALL, AND IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS JINGLE JUSTICE, WE'RE GOING 656 01:06:04,297 --> 01:06:07,667 TO NEED A LITTLE HELP. >> WHO? ME? 657 01:06:07,667 --> 01:06:12,839 BUT, SIRS, I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS. >> FREE YOUR MIND, MAMACITA, AND 658 01:06:12,839 --> 01:06:32,792 THE REST WILL FOLLOW. 13,525,515,178 * 13 BILLION, 50,000, 178. 659 01:06:32,792 --> 01:06:38,298 >> OH, MY GOD, MITCHELL. DID WE DO IT? WAS IT LUCCI? 660 01:06:38,298 --> 01:06:44,537 >> CAROLYN, NOT ONLY WITH US THAT PERFECT, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL ABSOLUTELY 661 01:06:44,537 --> 01:06:48,541 DAQUED DOWN, PEPPED UP, AND LUCHED OUT! EVERYBODY! 662 01:06:48,541 --> 01:06:59,786 HERE WE GO ** 13,525,535,178 * 663 01:07:11,598 --> 01:07:18,071 >>> THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANKS TO JERRY SEINFELD, 664 01:07:18,071 --> 01:07:22,175 THANKS TO TROYE SIVAN, LORNE MICHAELS. THANK YOU EVERYONE. 665 01:07:22,175 --> 01:07:26,246 THIS IS HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE. EVERYONE ON THE STAGE, EVERYONE BEHIND THE SCENES MAKING IT 666 01:07:26,246 --> 01:07:31,384 HAPPEN. THIS HAS BEEN UNBELIEVABLE. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.