1 00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:05,372 >>> AND NOW A SPECIAL MOTHER'S DAY MESSAGE FROM THE CAST OF 2 00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:17,851 SNL. >> GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. I AM HERE TONIGHT WITH MY MOMMY, 3 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:23,923 ANN. BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, IT IS MOTHER'S DAY IN ABOUT 29 4 00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:26,526 MINUTES. >> SO STILL PLENTY OF TIME TO BUY A GIFT. 5 00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:34,067 >> I TOLD YOU, MOM, MY CHILDREN ARE MY GIFT TO YOU. >> SO ME BABY SITTING THEM IS MY 6 00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,803 GIFT? HOW GENEROUS. >> ANYWAY, WITH SO MANY 7 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:41,374 UPSETTING STORIES IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD TAKE A BREAK FROM A REGULAR COLD 8 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:46,046 OPEN AND HEAR SOME HEART-WARMING STORIES FROM OUR MOMS INSTEAD. >> REALLY? 9 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:50,383 THAT'S TOO BAD. I WAS EXCITED TO SEE WHO WAS GOING TO PLAY STORMY DANIELS. 10 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:54,854 >> ALL RIGHT. COME ON. >> MOM, I LOVE YOU, AND I'M SO 11 00:00:54,854 --> 00:00:58,391 GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR ME. >> WELL, THANKS, ANDREW. 12 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:05,298 I BROUGHT PHOTOS. >> YOU WHAT? >> HERE'S ONE OF ANDREW IN THE 13 00:01:05,298 --> 00:01:09,936 BATHTUB WHEN HE WAS 3. AND I ALSO BROUGHT ONE OF ANDREW IN THE BATHTUB WHEN HE WAS 23. 14 00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:13,807 >> ALL RIGHT, MOM. THANKS FOR COMING. >> IT'S A TASTEFUL NUDE. 15 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:18,111 >> MOM, I'M SO EXCITED YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT. >> ME TOO, CHLOE. 16 00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:21,581 CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I'M AT THE ROAST OF TOM BRADY. >> NO, NO. 17 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:26,186 MOM, THAT WAS ON SUNDAY. >> CAN I STILL DO MY JOKE? >> I GUESS. 18 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:31,825 >> TOM BRADY'S MARRIAGE FINISHED SO QUICKLY, I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR DAD. 19 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:35,895 >> MOM! OH, MY GOD! >> HEY, GUYS. 20 00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:42,235 THIS IS MY MOM, MARY. >> HEY, EVERYONE. >> MY MOM IS MORE THAN JUST A 21 00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:46,773 MOM. SHE'S LIKE A SUPERMOM. >> AND YOU'RE LIKE A SUPER 22 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:50,243 DAUGHTER. BECAUSE YOU'RE SWEET, YOU'RE FUNNY, AND YOU'RE STRONGER THAN 23 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:57,717 ANY MAN I'VE EVER MET. >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> WHOO! 24 00:01:57,717 --> 00:02:03,490 >> I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, HONEY. >> AW, THANKS, MOM. IS THERE ANYTHING SPECIAL YOU 25 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:08,228 WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY? >> YOU KNOW, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME THE GREATEST GIFT OF 26 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:13,967 ALL, THAT BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD SKETCH, EVERYONE KNOWS ME AS BUTT-HEAD'S MOM. 27 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:18,538 >> BUTT-HEAD'S MOM, YEAH, NICE. >> I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE, MOM. 28 00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:25,812 >> AW, I LOVE WATCHING YOU ON THE SHOW, HONEY. IT'S THE BEST PART OF MY SUNDAY. 29 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:29,549 >> WAIT. YOU WATCH THE SHOW ON SUNDAY? >> DOESN'T EVERYBODY WATCH IT ON 30 00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:37,090 SUNDAY? I MEAN, SATURDAYS I'M IN THE CLUB. 31 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:42,696 >> WELL, MOM, YOU ALWAYS ASKED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WEAR A BALD CAP ON THE SHOW. 32 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:48,335 >> NOW I KNOW. IT'S HOT, IT'S ITCHY, AND IT'S GOING TO MAKE THIS OUR DUMBEST 33 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:55,108 CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTO EVER. >> THIS IS MY MOM. EVERYTHING I DO, ALL MY WORK 34 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:59,112 HERE, I DO IT FOR HER. >> EXCEPT THE STUFF THAT BOMBS. >> RIGHT. 35 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:07,153 EXCEPT THE STUFF THAT BOMBS. THOSE ONES I DO FOR MY DAD. >> I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE 36 00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:13,793 ON SNL TOGETHER, MOM? >> I KNEW YOU WOULD BE GREAT ON THE SHOW FROM ALL THE FUNNY HOME 37 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,896 VIDEOS YOU USED TO MAKE. LOOK. >> I LOVE CORN. 38 00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:19,599 MM, CORN. >> MOM, THAT WASN'T ME. >> I KNOW. 39 00:03:19,599 --> 00:03:24,971 BUT IT'S FUNNY. >> HEY, MOM. ARE YOU EXCITED TO BE HERE? 40 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:29,075 >> OF COURSE I AM. AND I LOVE ALL THE INCREDIBLE IMPRESSIONS YOU DO. 41 00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:33,980 >> OH, THANKS, MOM. >> WANT TO SEE ME DO AN IMPRESSION? 42 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:40,687 >> SURE. >> IN THIRD GRADE YOU LOST YOUR GAME BOY, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU 43 00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,622 DID. WAH. >> MOM, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE 44 00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:46,326 HERE, MAMA. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, MARCELLO. YOU GREW UP SO FAST, BUT NOT SO 45 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:52,799 HIGH. >> THANKS. >> AND CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING? 46 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:56,936 >> SURE, YEAH. >> ALL THE MALE CAST MEMBERS HAVE BEEN SO NICE TO ME. 47 00:03:56,936 --> 00:04:01,374 >> OH, WOW. >> MICHAEL CHE EVEN GAVE ME FLOWERS. 48 00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,576 >> WOW. >> BUT THE NOTE WAS JUST A PHONE NUMBER. 49 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:09,315 >> OKAY. MY MOM, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. 50 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:14,054 >> AND ARE YOU EXCITED TO BE HERE TOO, MOM? >> OH, SO EXCITED. 51 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:25,598 I NEED TO FIND LORNE AND SAY THANK YOU. WITHOUT HIM, WHERE WOULD YOU BE? 52 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:33,340 A DOCTOR AT A HOSPITAL? THANKS A LOT, LORNE. >> MOM, CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M ON 53 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:39,746 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"? >> HONESTLY, NO. I ALWAYS HOPED YOU WOULD BE ON 54 00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:45,085 JACK ASS. BUT THIS IS YOUR WEEK TO SHINE. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 55 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:49,589 >> RFK JR. SAID THEY FOUND A WORM IN HIS BRAIN. YOU COULD BE THE WORM. 56 00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:53,893 >> OH, THANKS, MOM. >> AND WE'RE ONLY SORT OF IN THE CAST, SO THEY WOULD ONLY LET US 57 00:04:53,893 --> 00:05:02,068 INVITE OUR DADS. >> DAD, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE IN HERE. 58 00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:09,843 >> WILL YOU JUST RELAX? IT'S JUST CRACK. >> WELL, MOM, WE'RE LAST. 59 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:17,350 BECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF TIME AND WE HAD TO CUT COLIN AND HIS MOM AND MATCHING HAIR CUTS. 60 00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:21,654 >> WAIT A MINUTE. IF I DON'T HAVE A LINE, I DON'T GET PAID. 61 00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,457 >> WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I MEAN, I SPENT DAYS GROWING 62 00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:33,933 THIS OUT. >> WELL, MOM, DO YOU HAVE AN UPLIFTING MESSAGE FROM THE MOMS 63 00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:36,770 TO LEAVE ON? >> I DO. WE ARE FROM ALL OVER THE 64 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:42,075 COUNTRY, BUT WE HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON. WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN WITH ALL 65 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:45,512 OUR HEART. >> OH, WOW, THAT'S REALLY SWEET, MOM. 66 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:57,757 >> I HAVE A TOM BRADY JOKE TOO. TOM BRADY IS SO HANDSOME, HE SHOULD GIVE ME A CALL. 67 00:05:57,757 --> 00:06:02,395 >> MOM, YOU'RE MARRIED TO DAD! >> IT'S A MOTHER'S DAY HALL PASS. 68 00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,699 >> OKAY. EVERYBODY GETS ONE. EVERYBODY GET BACK ON STAGE. 69 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:12,038 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM EVERYONE AT SNL. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 70 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,040 SATURDAY NIGHT! 71 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:24,584 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 72 00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:39,059 FEATURING -- 73 00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:06,152 A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. 74 00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:10,623 MUSICAL GUEST -- VAMPIRE WEEKEND. 75 00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:16,096 AND YOUR HOST -- MAYA RUDOLPH. 76 00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:27,040 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAYA RUDOLPH! 77 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:48,395 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 78 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:55,802 OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK! THANK YOU! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 79 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,971 AWW. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. 80 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:04,010 IT IS SO GOOD TO BE BACK. AND FOR THE MOTHER'S DAY EPISODE. 81 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:11,418 AND FOR ME, IT'S EXTRA SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM A FOUR-TIME MOM. THAT'S RIGHT. 82 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:17,290 I HAVE FOUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS -- THAT I KNOW OF. >> HEY, MAYA. 83 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:26,800 >> BOWEN, SARAH, HEY GUYS. >> WE WANTED TO SAY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. 84 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:30,503 >> OH, THANK YOU. >> YOU'RE NOT JUST A MOM. YOU'RE MOTHER. 85 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:38,178 >> YOU'RE A 30 ROCK LEGEND. YOU'VE HAD YOUR FOOT ON OUR NECKS SINCE Y2K. 86 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:42,048 >> REALLY? >> OF COURSE, YOU WERE THE FIRST TO SLAY DOWN THE HOUSE, BOOTS 87 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:50,623 QUEEN. >> YOU HAVE ACHIEVED EXTRA TERRESTRIAL MOTHER STATUS. 88 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,493 >> ME? MOTHER? YOU'RE RIGHT. 89 00:09:53,493 --> 00:10:00,667 >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME IS MR. INFINITY DECOR. WE DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU 90 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:05,705 HOES. WE CAME TO SLAY, BITCH. AND ALSO DO SOME COMEDY BITS. 91 00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:12,679 OH, YES. THIS IS MAYA'S HOUSE NOW. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GAZE AND 92 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:21,454 THEYS, I GIVE TO YOU MOTHER OF THE HOUSE OF ROCKEFELLER. 93 00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:26,693 I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR MOTHER. 94 00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,029 I'M YOUR -- OOPS I MADE YOU DANCE. REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE WHEN I 95 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:33,733 POOPED MY PANTS? WHEN YOU WERE A BABY YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS, AND I CHANGED YOUR 96 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:38,004 DIAPER 'CUZ I'M YOUR MOTHER. WHO COINED SWEATER WEATHER AND GET YOU A CAR MADE OF LEATHER, I 97 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:45,512 DID. I ALSO SAID CLEAN YOUR ROOM, I'M YOUR MOTHER. 98 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:51,418 IT'S MOTHER'S DAY, Y'ALL! TODAY WE CELEBRATE ALL KINDS OF MOTHERS. 99 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:56,256 STEP MOTHERS, GODMOTHERS, MOTHERS FROM ANOTHER BROTHER, DANCE MOMS, OCTOMOMS. 100 00:10:56,256 --> 00:11:00,560 >> WHAT ABOUT DOG MOMS? >> WHAT ABOUT THEM? AND HONEY, THAT'S NOT A DOG. 101 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:07,067 THAT'S A BITCH. I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR MOTHER. 102 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:11,071 I'M YOUR -- BOW DOWN 'CUZ I'M YOUR MAMA. IT'S GIVING QUEEN, IT'S GIVING 103 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:15,642 DRAMA. THIS PLACE GAVE YOU CONEHEADS, IT'S 11:30 GO TO BED. 104 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:21,514 WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE FUNTY? IT'S ME, KAMALA HUNTY! I WILL ALSO TURN THIS CAR AROUND 105 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:25,785 IF YOU DON'T STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER. 106 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,388 I'M YOUR MOTHER. >> MAYA! 107 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:32,158 MAYA! >> NOT NOW, CHILD. MOTHER IS MOTHERING. 108 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:36,596 >> I KNOW BUT I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM THE GUYS. THE MONOLOGUE, IT'S GIVING 109 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:41,301 BODY-ODY-ODY. >> BODY-ODY-ODY? >> YES, MOTHER. 110 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:45,105 THE RESULTS ARE IN! >> TEN. >> TEN. 111 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:54,748 >> I'M GAGGED. >> GAGGED? SAY LESS. 112 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:57,951 LISA LOOPNER, DEBBIE D., BABA WAWA, AND DOONISE. MARTHA STEWART GAVE GOOD HURR, 113 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:04,057 MARY CATHERINE GALLAGHER, SWEENEY SISTERS, DONATELLA, LISA FROM TEMECULA. 114 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:09,863 GIVING GORGEOUS, SERVING PRETTY, THEY DID IT LIVE FROM NEW YORK CITY. 115 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:21,074 I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR -- MOTHER. 116 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,177 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 117 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:29,716 VAMPIRE WEEKEND IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK 118 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:47,267 >>> HOT ONES. >> FOR OUR FIRST WEEK FEAST, I'M 119 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,638 SEAN EVANS, AND THIS IS HOT ONES. THE SHOW WITH HOTTER QUESTIONS 120 00:12:51,638 --> 00:13:01,514 AND EVEN HOTTER WINGS. ARTIST, ICON, AND QUEEN, BEYONCE KNOWLES CARTER. 121 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:05,318 >> HOWDY, SEAN EVANS. IT'S A PLEASURE FOR YOU TO HAVE ME. 122 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:10,457 >> ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY. SO YOU APPEARED ON THE SHOW ONCE BEFORE, AND YOU STRUGGLED A BIT 123 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:14,127 WITH THE SAUCES. SO WE'RE THRILLED YOU'VE RETURNED FOR A SECOND TRY. 124 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:18,965 >> WELL, THIS WAS THE ONLY THING I HAVE ATTEMPTED THAT I DID NOT SLAY. 125 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:23,103 AND THAT BOTHERED BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND. MY HUSBAND IS JAY-Z. 126 00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,405 >> OH, YEAH. I KNOW. >> OH, OKAY. 127 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:30,410 I ASSUMED YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE THE WHITEST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN. 128 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,780 BOTH YOUR SKIN AND THE WAY YOU CARRY YOURSELF. >> OKAY. 129 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:37,584 YEAH. I WOULDN'T DISAGREE WITH THAT. ALL RIGHT. 130 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:44,224 WELL, SHALL WE GET STARTED? >> GIDDY UP, LET'S GO. >> OUR FIRST SAUCE IS SATAN'S 131 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:50,830 TAINT CHARRED CHILI SAUCE, WHICH HAS A SCOVILLE RATING OF 65,000. ALL RIGHT. 132 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:54,501 THIS ONE'S GOOD. ALL RIGHT. YOU ALLUDED TO THE ICY RECEPTION 133 00:13:54,501 --> 00:14:03,143 YOU RECEIVED AT THE 2016 CMAs AS THE INSPIRATION FOR YOUR LATEST ALBUM, COWBOY CARTER. 134 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:09,215 CAN YOU TALK MORE ABOUT THAT? >> WELL, I JUST THOUGHT WHO GETS TO DEFINE COUNTRY MUSIC? 135 00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:12,952 WHY NOT ME. THAT'S A TASTY WING. NOT THAT SPICY. 136 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:21,061 I'M FROM TEXAS, BABY, YOUR GIRL LIKES IT CALIENTE. LET'S DO THE NEXT ONE. 137 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:29,869 >> OUR NEXT SAUCE THE SERGEANT SPHINCTER'S VOLCANO SAUCE WITH A SCOVILLE RATING OF 530,000. 138 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:35,975 >> ALL RIGHT. THIS ONE LOOK GOOD. HMM. 139 00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:41,881 >> YEAH. THIS ONE'S ONE OF MY FAVES. SO I WANTED TO TALK A LITTLE 140 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:50,824 ABOUT THE SONG YA YA. BEYONCE? ARE YOU OKAY? 141 00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:56,329 >> DEFINITELY, BOO. >> OKAY. GREAT. 142 00:14:56,329 --> 00:15:04,170 SO, YEAH, THERE'S A LYRIC IN YA YA, WHOLE LOT OF RED IN THAT WHITE AND BLUE. 143 00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:09,042 WHAT'S THAT MEAN TO YOU? >> UM, I FORGET. THIS WING IS STOMPING MY ASS. 144 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:18,485 DAMN, MY BONES ARE HOT. THAT WING WAS A REAL ONE. OOH, YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE ME 145 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:21,921 SING. * THIS AIN'T TEXAS * >> ALL RIGHT. 146 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:26,893 SO WHAT'S YA YA ABOUT TO YOU? >> WILL YOU EXCUSE ME? I'M ABOUT TO START SPEAKING IN 147 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:35,502 TONGUES. I AM ZULE. I'M SO SORRY. 148 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:41,941 I BONES ARE STILL ON FIRE. WHERE IS MY ASSISTANT DERAFAEL? COME HERE? 149 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:47,981 >> I'M HERE FOR YOU, B. >> I NEED YOU TO GO ON GOOGLE AND SEARCH, IS IT POSSIBLE TO 150 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:54,220 TAKE SOMEONE'S BONES OUT THEY BODY, REPLACE THEM WITH BONES THAT AREN'T ON FIRE. 151 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:58,491 CAN YOU DO THAT? >> I'LL LOOK INTO IT, B. >> OKAY. 152 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,761 OUR NEXT SAUCE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME. IT'S JUST A PICTURE OF A TOILET 153 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:10,036 ON FIRE. AND IT HAS A SCOVILLE RATING OF 1.5 MILLION. 154 00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:17,043 >> MM, SOUNDS YUMMY. DELICIOUS. >> YEAH. 155 00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:22,716 THIS ONE'S PRETTY GOOD. ALL RIGHT. SO COWBOY CARTER IS PART OF A 156 00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:26,219 THREE-ALBUM TRILOGY. >> YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR CHARLIE BROWN LOOKING ASS FOR A MINUTE, 157 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:34,427 AND YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME. BEYONCE ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING VERY HUMAN, SO I NEED YOU TO 158 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:47,507 BLUR MY FACE IN THREE, TWO, ONE -- OH, THEY TRYING TO MAKE A BITCH CACA HERSELF. 159 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,609 OKAY. I'M GOOD. >> OKAY. 160 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:55,715 SO WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT PART THREE? >> I'M NOT GOOD. 161 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,784 OOH. CAN I HAVE YOUR MILK? >> YEAH. 162 00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:07,394 OF COURSE. >> THANK YOU. YOU NEED TO KILL YOURSELF, 163 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:13,033 GOLLUM. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GIVING THE WORLD'S BADDEST BITCH SWAMP 164 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:19,439 ASS ON YOUTUBE. DERAFAEL? WHAT'S THE STATUS ON TAKING MY 165 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:23,810 BONES OUT? >> WE CAN'T DO IT, B. >> PLAN B. 166 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:32,352 TAKE MY COCO BUTTER, ALAE LOTION OUT OF MY BAG AND GET AS MUCH AS YOU CAN INTO MY MOUTH. 167 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:40,760 >> BUT, B, YOU CAN'T EAT LOTION, ESPECIALLY NOT ON CAMERA. >> GET MY $6,000 COCO LOTION OUT 168 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:47,500 MY BAG AND INTO MY MOUTH. OR I WILL BREAK YOU IN HALF. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING 169 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:53,406 THIS. OKAY. OPEN WIDE, QUEEN. 170 00:17:53,406 --> 00:18:10,590 >> MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE. OH! SEAN EVANS, IT'S NOT WORKING. 171 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:20,033 WHY CAN'T I SLAY THIS? WHY IS THIS JANKY HOT WINGS SHOW THE ONE THING BEYONCE CANNOT DO? 172 00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:22,836 >> ALL RIGHT. JUST HANG IN THERE, QUEEN. ALL RIGHT. 173 00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:27,841 SO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ACTING RIGHT NOW. HOW DO YOU CHOOSE LIKE WHICH 174 00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:38,818 ROLES ARE WORTH TAKING A BREAK FROM AND -- DERAFAEL? >> LOOK INTO THE LIGHT, PLEASE. 175 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:43,857 BEYONCE WAS NEVER HERE AND NOT IN THE SHOW. >> FOR HOT ONES, I'M SEAN EVANS. 176 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:55,335 >>> SO NEXT WEEKEND, WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO SIOUX FALLS. 177 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,505 >> OH, THAT'LL BE GREAT. WHY SIOUX FALLS? >> I DON'T KNOW. 178 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:01,508 I JUST KIND OF ALWAYS WANTED TO GO. >> THAT'S SO FUN. 179 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:05,011 BY THE WAY, CHELSEA, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY I LOVE YOUR SHIRT. 180 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:12,118 WHERE'S IT FROM? >> AN INSTAGRAM AD. IT TOTALLY POPPED UP IN MY FEED. 181 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:20,927 >> THE IT KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. >> YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GOOD IDEA? 182 00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:25,231 SHOW OUR EXPLORE PAGES. >> I'LL GO FIRST. THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. 183 00:19:25,231 --> 00:19:32,238 IT'S ALL COOKIE RECIPES. >> SHARE THOSE WITH ME. >> AND MINE IS LITERALLY JUST 184 00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:33,907 PUFFIES. NOT ONE. >> OKAY. 185 00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:37,377 YOUR TURN, BOYS. WHO'S NEXT? >> NO. 186 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:42,582 >> WHAT? >> I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR LITTLE GAME. 187 00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:45,785 >> GUYS, COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN. >> IT WILL RUIN THE NIGHT. 188 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,656 >> WHAT? MARK SHOW US YOUR PHONE. >> I THINK I LEFT IT IN THE CAR. 189 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:57,063 >> WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS? IF IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS IN BIKINIS, WE CAN HANDLE 190 00:19:57,063 --> 00:20:00,200 THAT. >> LET'S JUST DROP IT. >> UH-OH, IS IT A BUNCH OF 191 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,602 BUTTS? >> YEAH. >> NO. 192 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:09,042 IT'S JUST LIKE THIS ONE WOMAN. >> HEY THERE MR. LITTLE MAN. >> WHAT IS THIS? 193 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:16,983 >> I'M UNEESA CONFIDENCE, AN ONLINE GIRLFRIEND FOR MEN WITH SELF ESTEEM ISSUES. 194 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:40,040 >> SO IT'S A SELF-CONFIDENCE THING? I MEAN, JOHN, WHY WOULD YOU. 195 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:45,779 >> IT'S ALL THAT LADY? >> I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THESE VIDEOS BEFORE. 196 00:20:45,779 --> 00:20:51,818 >> SPECIAL THANK YOU TO MARTIN FOR HIS $2,000 DONATION. >> YOU GAVE THIS BITCH $3,000? 197 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:57,724 >> IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. >> LOOK OUT FOR YOUR VICTORY GIFT, MARTIN. 198 00:20:57,724 --> 00:21:04,297 HERE'S A HINT. >> SO IT IS A SEXUAL THING. >> YEAH, A SEXUAL THING, YEAH. 199 00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:11,304 YES, IT IS. >> GIVE ME YOUR -- >> WHAT'S UP, BABY? 200 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:18,445 >> DID YOU EAT YOUR PHONE? >> DID I EAT MY CELL PHONE? BABE, WILL YOU HELP ME CALL 911? 201 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:25,518 >> SURE. >> HELLO. >> DON'T FORGET TO JOIN ME AT 202 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:32,859 OUR SECOND ANNUAL CONFIDENCE CON IN SIOUX FALLS. >> THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING TO 203 00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:41,501 SIOUX FALLS? >> HEY, GUYS, LISTEN, I'M SORRY FOR LISTENING, BUT I KNOW THOSE 204 00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:47,507 VIDEOS SEEM WEIRD, BUT RIGHT NOW, THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC OF MEN LONELINESS IN THIS COUNTRY. 205 00:21:47,507 --> 00:21:52,712 LOOK AROUND YOU. MAYBE SOME CONFIDENCE IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED RIGHT NOW. 206 00:21:52,712 --> 00:21:58,184 MAYBE WE ALL NEED SELF CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE THE WORLD RIGHT NOW IS A REALLY WEIRD 207 00:21:58,184 --> 00:22:02,689 PLACE. ALSO, YOUR FRIEND THAT SWALLOWED HIS iPHONE DIED A WHILE AGO. 208 00:22:02,689 --> 00:22:05,925 >> NO! >> LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL BREASTS. 209 00:22:11,865 --> 00:22:14,134 >> HEY, KIDS. >> WOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? 210 00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:18,204 WE'VE ALMOST MADE IT TO THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. >> I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM MY 211 00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:22,075 STUDENTS. >> BUT SOMETIMES THE CLASS ROOM CAN FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD AND 212 00:22:22,075 --> 00:22:31,418 A WAR BETWEEN TEACHERS AND KIDS. >> NOW, AS WE REFLECT ON THE 2023 TO '24 SCHOOL YEAR, WE JUST 213 00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:36,089 WANTED TO COME TOGETHER WITH A MESSAGE FOR OUR SPECIAL STUDENTS. 214 00:22:36,089 --> 00:22:38,758 Y'ALL WON. >> Y'ALL WON. >> ABSOLUTELY, Y'ALL WON. 215 00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:44,464 >> Y'ALL RUDE AND Y'ALL NASTY. NOT ONLY CAN YOU NOT READ, BUT YOU ARE ON DRUGS AND SPECTRUM 216 00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:51,137 THAT DID NOT EVEN EXIST IN 2006. ON TOP OF THAT, YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES. 217 00:22:51,137 --> 00:22:59,279 RIZZLER, GYAT, CHEEK, FANUM TAX. LOOK, COVID BROKE SOMETHING WE CAN'T FIX. 218 00:22:59,279 --> 00:23:04,951 BUT AS FOR ME MYSELF PERSONALLY, I HAVE OFFICIALLY ENDURED BY LAST SKIBIDI TOILET. 219 00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:09,055 I AM RETIRING. COME HERE, DAMIEN. THIS IS DAMIEN. 220 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:15,061 TELL THEM, YOUNG MAN, WHEN I GAVE YOU A D ON YOUR MATH QUIZ, WHAT DID YOU SAY? 221 00:23:15,061 --> 00:23:18,098 OH, REALLY? BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY IN NOVEMBER. 222 00:23:18,098 --> 00:23:23,837 WHAT DID YOU SAY, DAMIEN? >> I SAID YOU HAD A FUNKY NECK. >> THAT'S RIGHT. 223 00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:34,414 HE SAID I HAD A FUNKY NECK. HELL NO. Y'ALL WON. 224 00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:38,551 >> THIS IS JAY. THIS IS KENDALL. THESE TWO GOT IN A FIGHT IN ANY 225 00:23:38,551 --> 00:23:45,325 CLASS ROOM, AND WHEN I TRIED TO BREAK IT UP, THEY TURNED ON ME. I GOT PIECED UP BY TWO 226 00:23:45,325 --> 00:23:48,461 12-YEAR-OLD NONBINARY ASEXUALS. Y'ALL WON. I'M OUT. 227 00:23:48,461 --> 00:24:00,040 >> SOMETIMES I LIKE A LITTLE PACKET OF CRYSTAL LIGHT IN MY WATER, AND THE KIDS COULDN'T LET 228 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:06,046 IT SLIDE. TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID. >> I SAID IT WAS BECAUSE YOU 229 00:24:06,046 --> 00:24:14,054 COULDN'T AFFORD LEMONADE. >> THEN I FOUND OUT THEY STARTED A GO FUND ME TO HELP ME BUY 230 00:24:14,054 --> 00:24:16,356 LEMONADE. IT RAISED $10,000. YEAH, Y'ALL WON. 231 00:24:16,356 --> 00:24:38,345 >> THIS YEAR, I LIVED BY ONE WORD, T-S-I-D-D-A-H-N. THAT SPELLS -- SIT DOWN! 232 00:24:38,345 --> 00:24:46,186 I SAY THIS WORD ABOUT 628 TIMES A DAY. FOR EXAMPLE, IF Y'ALL DON'T 233 00:24:46,186 --> 00:24:53,259 TSIDDAHN! OR PERHAPS, KIARA, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO -- TSIDDAHN! 234 00:24:53,259 --> 00:25:00,033 OR SOMETIMES, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN, JENNIFER, TSIDDAHN! ANYWAY, KIDS, I GIVE UP, AND 235 00:25:00,033 --> 00:25:08,241 THERE IS LIQUOR IN THIS THERMOS. >> AND I TRIED TO PLAY CAHOOT WITH MY KIDS AS AN ICE BREAKER, 236 00:25:08,241 --> 00:25:16,516 BUT WE HAD TO STOP BECAUSE THEY MADE USER NAMES LIKE POOP FEAST 420, OLIVER DE NIPPLE, AND MY 237 00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:25,759 PERSONAL FAVORITE, ZDICK IN BALLS TWO. NEEDLESS TO SAW, Y'ALL WON. 238 00:25:25,759 --> 00:25:35,068 >> I WORE A YELLOW RAINCOAT ON A RAINY DAY, AND IS SIXTH GRADERS CALLED ME CORALINE. 239 00:25:35,068 --> 00:25:38,505 THAT WAS MY NAME IN THE YEARBOOK. I DON'T SEE IT, BRO. 240 00:25:38,505 --> 00:25:44,577 >> I DO. MY BAD. THIS YEAR, WE HAD TO CONFISCATE 241 00:25:44,577 --> 00:25:48,381 SOME OF THE STRANGEST ITEMS I'VE EVER SEEN. >> I WENT IN THAT BATHROOM AND 242 00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:54,754 HAD TO CONFISCATE A WHOLE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. THEY WERE COOKING IT OVER THE 243 00:25:54,754 --> 00:25:57,657 URINAL. I GIVE UP. Y'ALL WON. 244 00:25:57,657 --> 00:26:03,029 >> WHAT A SCHOOL YEAR. WE'VE GOT THIS ONE MONTH LEFT, AND FROM US TEACHERS TO YOU 245 00:26:03,029 --> 00:26:06,433 KIDS, Y'ALL PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT, AND Y'ALL WON. >> Y'ALL WON. 246 00:26:06,433 --> 00:26:14,541 >> Y'ALL WON. FROM EVERY TEACHER TO THOSE RUDE, STICKY, ILLITERATE 247 00:26:14,541 --> 00:26:22,082 CHILDREN, WE GIVE UP. >> MS. WILLIAMS, CAN WE JUMP OFF THE TOP OF THE SWING SET? 248 00:26:22,082 --> 00:26:26,953 >> NO! TSIDDAHN! >> BECAUSE Y'ALL WON. 249 00:26:35,962 --> 00:26:41,067 >>> YOU'RE WATCHING NAT GEO. COMING UP NEXT, SNOW APES, WHITE 250 00:26:41,067 --> 00:26:45,372 FUR, BIG RED ASSES. 251 00:26:58,318 --> 00:27:03,423 >> 40,000 B.C., THE AREA THAT WILL ONE DAY BECOME MODERN 252 00:27:03,423 --> 00:27:08,294 LONDON. USING FOSSIL RECORDS, MODERN COMPUTER MODELS ARE NOW ABLE TO 253 00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:13,933 RECONSTRUCT THESE PRIMITIVE MEN, HOW THEY LOOKED, MOVED, AND SOUNDED. 254 00:27:13,933 --> 00:27:21,841 OBSERVE AS TWO BRITISH CAVEMEN DISCOVER THE BONES OF AN UNFAMILIAR BEAST. 255 00:27:21,841 --> 00:27:27,514 >> WHA? OOGA BOOGA? >> WHA? 256 00:27:27,514 --> 00:27:34,554 UNGAH BUNGA? >> THEIR WORLD WAS GOVERNED BY A STRICT SOCIAL HIERARCHY WITH 257 00:27:34,554 --> 00:27:43,596 EACH KNOWING THEIR PLACE. SEE THEM NOW, THE WARRIORS. >> HNH, HNH. 258 00:27:43,596 --> 00:27:54,541 >> THE UPPER CLASS. >> OH. >> THE WORKING CLASS. 259 00:27:54,541 --> 00:28:04,050 EVEN LITTLE CAVE CHILDREN. >> OY, OY, FILLA. >> THE POOR CHILD IS DISTRESSED 260 00:28:04,050 --> 00:28:09,923 BECAUSE SHE CAN'T FIND HER FATHER. BUT IT'S 3:00 P.M., SO HE'S AT 261 00:28:09,923 --> 00:28:15,095 THE LOCAL WATER HOLE DRINKING DISTILLS GRAIN. HERE WE SEE HIM MAKING 262 00:28:15,095 --> 00:28:22,235 OUTLANDISH CLAIMS TO A FEMALE MEMBER OF THE TRIBE. >> OOGA BOOGA. 263 00:28:22,235 --> 00:28:28,041 >> OH. >> THE WATERING HOLE IS ALSO A PLACE FOR STORY TELLING. 264 00:28:28,041 --> 00:28:34,848 HERE WE SEE AN EARLY FORM OF GOSSIP. >> DIN GAH DA BOOGA. 265 00:28:34,848 --> 00:28:41,621 >> WHA? >> THEY CAN DO THIS FOR HOURS, AND NO ONE EVER GETS ANNOYED. 266 00:28:41,621 --> 00:28:49,162 HERE, AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE PERUSES THE LOCAL ART. SHE'S INTERRUPTED, THOUGH, BY A 267 00:28:49,162 --> 00:29:02,542 PEACOCKING YOUNG MALE FROM THE GENUS AMICUS McJAGGEROUS. SHE LIKES IT, AND IN RESPONSE, 268 00:29:02,542 --> 00:29:05,412 SHE GIVES A BEAUTIFUL SMILE. 269 00:29:07,047 --> 00:29:09,649 AND NOW, SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS. 270 00:29:09,649 --> 00:29:16,122 THE TOUGHEST MEMBER OF THE TRIBE HAS JUST CREATED FIRE. SHORTLY AFTER, HE'S ALSO THE 271 00:29:16,122 --> 00:29:24,597 FIRST TO DISCOVER THAT FIRE IS HOT. REFUSING TO SHOW PAIN, HE KEEPS 272 00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:35,342 A STIFF UPPER LIP. THE PAIN INTENSIFIES. HE LETS OUT A SMALL WHIMPER. 273 00:29:35,342 --> 00:29:41,247 AT LAST, THE AGONY IS SO GREAT, IT INSPIRES HIM TO UTTER THE FIRST MODERN PHRASE. 274 00:29:41,247 --> 00:29:50,290 >> BLOODY HOT, ISN'T IT? >> WHA? >> REMARKABLE. 275 00:29:50,290 --> 00:29:54,861 TRULY, THESE WERE BRITISH CAVEMEN. WHEN WE RETURN, A STRANGER 276 00:29:54,861 --> 00:30:00,800 ARRIVES FROM A DISTANT SHORE, THE FRENCH CAVEMAN. >> HNH, HNH, HNH. 277 00:30:14,047 --> 00:30:16,149 >>> MOM. >> YOU OKAY? 278 00:30:16,149 --> 00:30:20,587 >> YEAH. BUT, CAN YOU COME GET ME? >> IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? 279 00:30:20,587 --> 00:30:23,857 >> YEAH. I JUST WANT TO COME HOME. CAN YOU COME PICK ME UP? 280 00:30:23,857 --> 00:30:27,293 >> OKAY. SURE, HONEY. WHEN THEY ASK WHY, WHAT DO YOU 281 00:30:27,293 --> 00:30:30,530 WANT ME TO SAY? >> CAN YOU JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP? 282 00:30:30,530 --> 00:30:37,604 AND, PLEASE, DON'T EMBARRASS ME. >> OH, HEY, SHARON. IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 283 00:30:37,604 --> 00:30:40,774 >> YEAH. KAYLIE NEEDS TO COME HOME. >> HOW COME? 284 00:30:40,774 --> 00:30:45,078 >> HER GRANDMA'S HAVING A FUNERAL. >> AT 2:00 A.M.? 285 00:30:45,078 --> 00:30:48,481 >> HER WISH WAS FOR A NIGHT FUNERAL. SHE LOVED THE NIGHT. 286 00:30:48,481 --> 00:30:58,758 COME ON, KAYLIE. >> SORRY, GUYS. >> KAYLIE, WHAT IS IT? 287 00:30:58,758 --> 00:31:05,165 >> CAN YOU COME AND GET ME? >> AGAIN? IT'S HER FATHER. 288 00:31:05,165 --> 00:31:10,136 HE HAS BECOME GAY. >> RIGHT. >> WE HAVE ANOTHER MEMORIAL FOR 289 00:31:10,136 --> 00:31:17,243 JFK. ROWLING. THAT'S REALLY SAD. 290 00:31:17,243 --> 00:31:24,684 I NEED HER TO TEACH ME ENGLISH. SHE HAS TO FLY LIKE PAPER, GET HIGH LIKE PLANES. 291 00:31:24,684 --> 00:31:28,922 >> LIKE THE M.I.A. SONG? >> YEAH. SO IF YOU CATCH HER AT THE 292 00:31:28,922 --> 00:31:32,192 BOARDER, SHE GOT VISAS IN HER NAME. LET'S GO. 293 00:31:32,192 --> 00:31:37,097 >> I'M SORRY, MOM. >> FINE, BUT YOUR DAD'S COMING THIS TIME. 294 00:31:37,097 --> 00:31:40,867 >> NO! >> SHE WANTS TO LEAVE BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER'S MEAN AND YOUR 295 00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:45,338 HOUSE SMELLS WEIRD. >> DAD, STOP. >> GET UP. 296 00:31:45,338 --> 00:31:52,679 >> SHE GOT HER PERIOD, AND SHE DON'T WANNA SAY, AND EVEN WHEN SHE WEARS PADS, IT GOES INTO 297 00:31:52,679 --> 00:31:55,281 HER -- INTO THE UNDERWEAR SOMETIMES. >> DAD, DAD. 298 00:31:55,281 --> 00:32:00,453 >> LET'S GO. BY THE WAY, I'M NOT GAY. HELLO, WE ARE POLICE. 299 00:32:00,453 --> 00:32:04,491 >> WE'RE HERE TO ARREST THE GIRL. >> AND TAKE HER TO GIRL JAIL. 300 00:32:04,491 --> 00:32:10,964 >> CICADAS. >> OH, MY GOD! >> KAYLIE, TIME TO GO. 301 00:32:10,964 --> 00:32:16,870 >> MOM, YOU ALWAYS DO THIS. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT TO MY FRIENDS. 302 00:32:16,870 --> 00:32:20,340 >> I DON'T CARE. YOU'RE COMING HOME, YOUNG LADY. >> WHY? 303 00:32:20,340 --> 00:32:30,950 >> BECAUSE, I'M YOUR MOTHER, AND I'M A BITCH. >> SORRY, GUYS. 304 00:32:30,950 --> 00:32:36,456 THANKS, MOM. >> YEP. >> HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM SNL. 305 00:32:36,456 --> 00:32:39,793 THANKS FOR PICKING US UP. 306 00:32:54,274 --> 00:32:57,143 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, VAMPIRE WEEKEND. 307 00:32:57,143 --> 00:33:16,563 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** ** 308 00:33:16,563 --> 00:33:26,706 ** * BLACKEN THE SKY AND SHARPEN THE AXE 309 00:33:26,706 --> 00:33:35,782 FOREVER CURSED TO LIVE UNRELAXED * * WE MAKE NO BONES 310 00:33:35,782 --> 00:33:44,891 A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME AND A HOME IS NOWHERE WE CAN STAY * 311 00:33:44,891 --> 00:33:51,264 * DODGED THE DRAFT BUT CAN'T DODGE THE WAR FOREVER CURSED 312 00:33:51,264 --> 00:33:59,372 TO LIVE INSECURE * * THE CURTAIN DROPS A GANG OF GEN X COPS 313 00:33:59,372 --> 00:34:09,049 ASSEMBLES * * TREMBLING BEFORE OUR HUMAN NATURE 314 00:34:09,049 --> 00:34:21,394 IT WASN'T BUILT FOR ME IT'S YOUR ACADEMY * * BUT IN THAT TIME 315 00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:31,604 YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE EACH GENERATION MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY * 316 00:34:31,604 --> 00:34:55,328 ** ** * WELCOME BACK 317 00:34:55,328 --> 00:35:04,471 MY OLDEST FRIEND ARE YOU CURSED TO DEPART AGAIN * 318 00:35:04,471 --> 00:35:11,478 * YOUR WAYS AND MEANS ETERNALLY OBSCENE AND ALWAYS LOOKING 319 00:35:11,478 --> 00:35:27,060 FOR OBSCENITY AND HATRED * * IT WASN'T BUILT FOR ME IT'S YOUR ACADEMY 320 00:35:27,060 --> 00:35:35,635 BUT IN MY TIME YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE * * EACH GENERATION 321 00:35:35,635 --> 00:36:02,028 MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY * ** ** 322 00:36:02,028 --> 00:36:16,443 * IT WASN'T BUILT FOR ME IT'S YOUR ACADEMY BUT IN MY TIME 323 00:36:16,443 --> 00:36:25,552 YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE * * EACH GENERATION MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY 324 00:36:25,552 --> 00:36:33,059 IT'S BY DESIGN AND CONSEQUENTIALLY * * EACH GENERATION 325 00:36:33,059 --> 00:36:43,903 MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 326 00:36:55,882 --> 00:37:01,021 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND 327 00:37:01,021 --> 00:37:07,193 MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 328 00:37:07,193 --> 00:37:14,634 THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." 329 00:37:14,634 --> 00:37:21,041 I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. THIS WEEK IN COURT, STORMY 330 00:37:21,041 --> 00:37:24,911 DANIELS GAVE A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF SEX WITH DONALD TRUMP, WHICH WAS SO DISGUSTING, 331 00:37:24,911 --> 00:37:32,852 EVEN THE SKY TURNED GREEN. STORMY DANIELS, SEEN HERE AS DRAWN BY THE CREATOR OF KATHY, 332 00:37:32,852 --> 00:37:39,459 WAS ACCUSED BY TRUMP'S LAWYERS OF LYING ABOUT THEIR AFFAIR FOR PROFIT, WHICH WOULD MAKE HER THE 333 00:37:39,459 --> 00:37:46,066 ONLY PERSON TO DO BUSINESS WITH TRUMP AND MAKE MONEY. IT'S ALSO BEEN IMPLIED THAT 334 00:37:46,066 --> 00:37:50,637 STORMY DANIELS GOT INTO BED WITH TRUMP AND LET HIM DO WHATEVER HE WANTED JUST TO ADVANCE HER 335 00:37:50,637 --> 00:37:58,611 CAREER. YOU KNOW, LIKE EVERY REPUBLICAN. >> STORMY DANIELS TESTIFIED THAT 336 00:37:58,611 --> 00:38:03,583 DONALD TRUMP DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM. HE TRIED TO PUT ONE ON, BUT HE 337 00:38:03,583 --> 00:38:08,588 WAS BLOCKED BY HIS TIE. STORMY DANIELS TESTIFIED IN DONALD TRUMP'S HUSH MONEY TRIAL 338 00:38:08,588 --> 00:38:15,762 AND WAS ASKED TO LIST SOME OF THE MOVIES THAT SHE'S WORKED ON. AFTER SHE FINISHED, THE JUDGE 339 00:38:15,762 --> 00:38:20,600 BANGED THE GAVEL AND OPENED ORAL ARGUMENTS -- WERE THE NAMES OF THE MOVIES. 340 00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:26,606 OH, MAN. THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE. BREAKS MY HEART, COLIN. 341 00:38:26,606 --> 00:38:34,114 >> BEFORE HER TESTIMONY, STORMY DANIELS AGREED NOT TO DESCRIBE DUMP'S GENITALIA IN COURT, AFTER 342 00:38:34,114 --> 00:38:42,355 SHE WAS OFFERED HUSH MONEY BY THE JURY. BUT THEN, FLORIDA SENATOR RICK 343 00:38:42,355 --> 00:38:47,427 SCOTT APPEARED IN COURT TO SUPPORT TRUMP, SO IN A WAY, WE DID GET TO SEE WHAT TRUMP'S 344 00:38:47,427 --> 00:38:56,169 PENIS WOULD LOOK LIKE. >> ISRAELI OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY FURIOUS AFTER THE 345 00:38:56,169 --> 00:39:00,006 U.S. WITHHELD A SHIPMENT OF WEAPONS. YES, SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET ANGRY 346 00:39:00,006 --> 00:39:04,010 AT THEIR INTERVENTION. ALL RIGHT. PRESIDENT BIDEN ON TUESDAY 347 00:39:04,010 --> 00:39:10,617 ISSUED A CALL TO FIGHT HATE AGAINST ANTI-SEMITISM SAYING, THERE IS NO PLACE FOR IT IN 348 00:39:10,617 --> 00:39:21,027 AMERICA. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, COLIN'S COUNTRY CLUB. 349 00:39:21,027 --> 00:39:28,368 >> IT'S A NICE PLACE. AT A WHITE HOUSE CEREMONY HONORING THE WNBA CHAMPION LAS 350 00:39:28,368 --> 00:39:35,709 VEGAS ACES, PRESIDENT BIDEN MISTAKINGLY CALLED CANDICE PARKER ONE OF THE GREATEST 351 00:39:35,709 --> 00:39:39,479 ALL-TIME COACHES. WORSE, HE THOUGHT THIS WOMAN WAS THEIR POINT GUARD. 352 00:39:39,479 --> 00:39:49,522 >> DURING A CEREMONY IN RUSSIA, VLADIMIR PUTIN WAS SWORN IN FOR HIS FIFTH TURN AND SWORN IN BY 353 00:39:49,522 --> 00:39:57,063 THE RUSSIAN CONSTITUTION, WHICH IS JUST A LABELED BOTTLE OF VODKA. 354 00:39:57,063 --> 00:40:05,238 ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. REVEALED HE HAD A BRAIN WORM. I OFFERED TO EAT FIVE MORE BRAIN 355 00:40:05,238 --> 00:40:08,641 WORMS AND STILL BEAT PRESIDENT TRUMP AND PRESIDENT BIDEN IN A DEBATE, HE SAID, WHICH IS SUCH 356 00:40:08,641 --> 00:40:10,777 AN INSANE THING TO PROBABLY BE RIGHT ABOUT. 357 00:40:12,245 --> 00:40:16,216 >> THAT'S RIGHT. ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. ADMITTED 358 00:40:16,216 --> 00:40:19,486 TO HAVING A WORM THAT ATE PART OF HIS BRAIN. HERE TO COMMENT IS RFK JR.'S 359 00:40:19,486 --> 00:40:29,829 BRAIN WORM. >> WHAT'S UP? AREN'T YOU SO GLAD I'M HERE? 360 00:40:29,829 --> 00:40:33,433 >> NO. YOU ARE HORRIBLE TO LOOK AT. >> OH, COME ON, COLIN. 361 00:40:33,433 --> 00:40:38,538 GIVE ME A KISS. >> I'M NOT GONNA KISS YOU, BRAIN WORM. 362 00:40:38,538 --> 00:40:42,442 OKAY. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOW A HUGE FAN OF RFK JR.? 363 00:40:42,442 --> 00:40:47,313 >> YEAH. I MEAN, COME O LOOK AT THIS GUY. 364 00:40:47,313 --> 00:40:54,621 HE LOOKS LIKE A PACK OF CHICKEN THIGHS LEFT OUT IN THE SUN. CHECK OUT HIS FACE, HE LOOKS 365 00:40:54,621 --> 00:40:58,992 LIKE SOMEONE LEFT BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN IN THE MICROWAVE TOO LONG. 366 00:40:58,992 --> 00:41:02,696 HIS FACE IS SO RED, HE LOOKS LIKE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SCREAMING AT THOSE COLLEGE PROTESTORS, 367 00:41:02,696 --> 00:41:10,570 COLIN. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 368 00:41:10,570 --> 00:41:13,540 OKAY. HOW DID YOU GET INTO HIS BRAIN IN THE FIRST PLACE? 369 00:41:13,540 --> 00:41:18,445 >> SAME WAY YOU GET TO CARNEGIE HALL. >> PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE? 370 00:41:18,445 --> 00:41:27,087 >> NO. THROUGH THE ANUS. BUT LOOK, RFK'S BODY WAS A 371 00:41:27,087 --> 00:41:34,094 WORM'S PARADISE. NOT A SINGLE DROP OF VACCINE IN SIGHT. 372 00:41:34,094 --> 00:41:41,901 MY WHOLE PARASITE POSSE HUNG OUT IN THERE. SHOUT OUT TO HOOK WORM, BOT FLY, 373 00:41:41,901 --> 00:41:49,709 THAT FISH THAT SWIMS UP YOUR PEE STREAM. AND MY MAN, PAUL SANDOVAL. 374 00:41:49,709 --> 00:41:54,514 BUT TONIGHT, I WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO OFFICIALLY ENDORSE RFK FOR PRESIDENT. 375 00:41:54,514 --> 00:41:58,918 >> YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT THE FIRST. A FEW DAYS AGO, HE WAS ENDORSED 376 00:41:58,918 --> 00:42:04,691 BY KEVIN SPACEY. >> OH, YOUR OLD PAL. I WAS IN THAT GUY'S BRAIN TOO. 377 00:42:04,691 --> 00:42:09,896 I ATE THE PART THAT UNDERSTOOD THE WORD NO. WHAT? 378 00:42:09,896 --> 00:42:13,967 COME ON! I'M A WORM. WHAT DO YOU GUYS EXPECT? 379 00:42:13,967 --> 00:42:31,551 I LOVE CRAZY WHITE BOY BRAIN. SPEAKING OF THAT, LET ME GET A BITE OF THAT BRAIN, COLIN. 380 00:42:31,551 --> 00:42:49,235 COME ON. I'M STARVING. STAY STILL. 381 00:42:49,235 --> 00:42:52,105 LET ME TAKE A SIP OF YOUR MEMORIES. >> OKAY. 382 00:42:52,105 --> 00:42:53,273 ALL RIGHT. COME ON. HEY, STOP. 383 00:42:53,273 --> 00:42:59,412 I NEED MY MEMORIES. >> NO, YOU DON'T. THERE'S GOT TO BE A FEW MEMORIES 384 00:42:59,412 --> 00:43:03,216 I COULD GET RID OF FOR YOU. OH! OH! 385 00:43:03,216 --> 00:43:12,659 LIKE THAT ONE TIME YOU RAN OVER A CYCLIST WITH YOUR PORSHE. >> HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. 386 00:43:12,659 --> 00:43:19,332 >> HE WAS ON A PELOTON, COLIN, IN HIS LIVING ROOM! >> ALL RIGHT, WORM, YOU GOT TO 387 00:43:19,332 --> 00:43:23,069 GO. >> BEFORE I DO, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO RFK. 388 00:43:23,069 --> 00:43:28,174 IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU. 389 00:43:28,174 --> 00:43:38,952 HEY, RFK. I MISS YOU. I MISS YOUR BODY. 390 00:43:38,952 --> 00:43:46,493 I MISS THAT BEEF JERKY FACE. I WANT YOU BACK. AND IF YOU WANT ME BACK, HEY, 391 00:43:46,493 --> 00:43:54,000 MEET ME AT THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING TONIGHT. I'LL BE THERE WEARING MY MARILYN 392 00:43:54,000 --> 00:44:06,613 MONROE DRESS SINGING -- * HAPPY WORM BRAIN, MR. FUTURE PRESIDENT * 393 00:44:06,613 --> 00:44:13,553 >> RFK JR.'S BRAIN WORM, EVERYONE. 394 00:44:17,157 --> 00:44:23,730 >> A NEW PLANT HAS OPENED IN ICELAND, WHICH IS DESIGNED TO 395 00:44:23,730 --> 00:44:31,905 REMOVE CLIMATE POLLUTION FROM THE ATMOSPHERE USING THE WORLD'S LARGEST VACUUM. 396 00:44:31,905 --> 00:44:37,344 OH, A NEW VACUUM JUST IN TIME FOR MOTHER'S DAY. I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT YOU 397 00:44:37,344 --> 00:44:42,115 WOULD LIKE THAT. >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT ACTOR ANDY CIRCUS WILL STAR IN AND 398 00:44:42,115 --> 00:44:47,987 DIRECT A NEW LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIE FOCUSSING ON GOLLUM. UNFORTUNATELY, HIS CHANNELER 399 00:44:47,987 --> 00:44:56,096 STYLE RELATIONSHIP WITH FRODO AND SAM. THIS YEAR'S MOST POPULAR BABY 400 00:44:56,096 --> 00:44:59,666 NAMES FOR BOYS WERE LIAM AND NOAH. GREAT, ANOTHER GENERATION OF 401 00:44:59,666 --> 00:45:10,110 PUSSIES. >> A GROWING NUMBER OF WOMEN WHO USED WEIGHT LOSS DRUGS ARE 402 00:45:10,110 --> 00:45:17,217 REPORTING SURPRISE PREGNANCIES, WHICH ARE BEING CALLED OZEMPIC BABIES. 403 00:45:17,217 --> 00:45:24,124 I BELIEVE THAT WAS ALSO THE THEME OF THE MET GALA. ONLINE CRITICS SAID THE DRESS 404 00:45:24,124 --> 00:45:30,764 KIM KARDASHIAN WORE TO THE MET GALA HAD SUCH A TIGHT WAIST THAT IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS CRUSHED 405 00:45:30,764 --> 00:45:39,539 HER ORGANS. BUT I ALREADY WATCHED HER ORGANS GET CRUSHED BY RAY JAY. 406 00:45:39,539 --> 00:45:42,709 I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO MAKE THE SHOW. >> I THINK IT DID. 407 00:45:42,709 --> 00:45:52,485 I THINK SOMEONE SCREAMED. A DOG WAS RESCUED AFTER IT FELL OFF A 50-FOOT CLIFF INTO A 408 00:45:52,485 --> 00:46:00,026 QUARRY. NEXT TIME, SAID KRISTI NOEM. >> A WORKER ON A CRUISE SHIP 409 00:46:00,026 --> 00:46:06,032 HEADING TO ALASKA WAS ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING THREE PASSENGERS WITH SCISSORS. 410 00:46:06,032 --> 00:46:15,041 HE WAS EVENTUALLY SUBDUED BY A PASSENGER WITH ROCK. >> SO DUMB. 411 00:46:15,041 --> 00:46:20,613 THIS YEAR MARKS THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2009 THAT A MARVEL MOVIE HAS NOT KICKED OFF THE SUMMER 412 00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:27,287 MOVIE SEASON, WHICH BETTER BE A ONE-TIME THING BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE RELY ON MARVEL MOVIES TO 413 00:46:27,287 --> 00:46:37,097 PAY FOR THE FERRIES THEY BOUGHT. >> THE WNBA WILL SOON ALLOW TEAMS TRAVELING FOR AWAY GAMES 414 00:46:37,097 --> 00:46:41,634 TO FLY ON PRIVATE CHARTER PLANES, WHICH PREVIOUSLY ONLY HAPPENED AFTER THEY WERE 415 00:46:41,634 --> 00:46:53,279 RELEASED FROM RUSSIAN PRISON. THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE SHOW. THIS IS MY EMMY SHOW. 416 00:46:53,279 --> 00:46:59,652 ON WEDNESDAY, THE REIGNING MISS TEEN USA ANNOUNCED SHE WAS GIVING UP HER TITLE. 417 00:46:59,652 --> 00:47:06,092 MAN THIS WEEK KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE FOR DRAKE. 418 00:47:07,227 --> 00:47:09,396 >> WELL, TOMORROW IS MOTHER'S DAY. 419 00:47:09,396 --> 00:47:18,872 HERE WITH SOME GIFT IDEAS TO SURPRISE HER MOM IS A MOM WHO SAYS SHE'S NOT MAD. 420 00:47:18,872 --> 00:47:26,579 >> HEY, EVERYBODY. COLIN. I GUESS I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT 421 00:47:26,579 --> 00:47:30,383 MAMA'S DAY. YEA! >> IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 422 00:47:30,383 --> 00:47:35,422 >> YEP. I SAID I'M GOOD, SO I'M GOOD. >> THAT'S GREAT. 423 00:47:35,422 --> 00:47:41,795 SO YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS. >> IF YOU'LL LET ME, YEAH. 424 00:47:41,795 --> 00:47:47,100 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO GET YOUR MAMA ON MOTHER'S DAY IS -- >> SUNGLASSES? 425 00:47:47,100 --> 00:47:50,670 >> JESUS CHRIST, COLIN, NO. BRUNCH. BRUNCH. 426 00:47:50,670 --> 00:47:56,276 THE SUNGLASSES WERE JUST TO BE FUNNY. I WAS GOING TO PUT THEM ON, PULL 427 00:47:56,276 --> 00:48:00,113 THEM DOWN AND SAY, TABLE FOR TWO. IT'S A PROP. 428 00:48:00,113 --> 00:48:04,250 BUT SURE, BRUNCH. TAKE YOUR MOM TO BRUNCH. >> I'M SORRY. 429 00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:07,620 ALSO, IT'S PROBABLY A LITTLE LATE TO GET A RESERVATION FOR BRUNCH NOW. 430 00:48:07,620 --> 00:48:25,105 >> YEAH, IT PROBABLY IS. HOW ABOUT YOU JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN I'M NEEDED? 431 00:48:25,105 --> 00:48:28,341 >> TEN SIGNS YOUR MAN IS GASLIGHTING YOU. >> OKAY. 432 00:48:28,341 --> 00:48:31,211 YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY MAD. >> NO. I'M NOT. 433 00:48:31,211 --> 00:48:34,647 ARE YOU INSANE RIGHT NOW? IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE MAD. >> OKAY. 434 00:48:34,647 --> 00:48:40,220 WELL THEN IF YOU CAN'T GET A BRUNCH RESERVATION, MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE YOUR MOM BREAKFAST IN 435 00:48:40,220 --> 00:48:43,857 BED. >> LOST MY SHIRT. GREAT IDEA. 436 00:48:43,857 --> 00:48:47,761 >> YOU'RE FOLDING LAUNDRY NOW? >> YEAH. WHAT? 437 00:48:47,761 --> 00:48:50,663 I'M GOOD. >> YOU DON'T SEEM GOOD. >> OKAY. 438 00:48:50,663 --> 00:48:58,438 WELL THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME HOW TO BE? BY THE WAY, I WORE THE NICEST 439 00:48:58,438 --> 00:49:01,641 THING I OWN. THIS WAS MY PROM DRESS. FOR WHAT? 440 00:49:01,641 --> 00:49:07,881 FOR WHAT? ALSO, HI, CHE. I'VE BEEN SITTING OUT HERE FOR 441 00:49:07,881 --> 00:49:11,451 FIVE MINUTES. YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD TO ME. >> I DON'T KNOW YOU. 442 00:49:11,451 --> 00:49:18,291 >> OKAY. I'M GONNA GO. >> NO. 443 00:49:18,291 --> 00:49:21,928 DON'T GO. PLEASE STAY. WE WOULD ALL -- WE WOULD LOVE TO 444 00:49:21,928 --> 00:49:25,031 HEAR YOUR MOTHER'S DAY GIFT IDEAS. PLEASE. 445 00:49:25,031 --> 00:49:27,467 PLEASE STAY. TELL US YOUR IDEAS. >> OKAY. 446 00:49:27,467 --> 00:49:33,940 I'LL STAY. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO. >> GREAT. 447 00:49:33,940 --> 00:49:47,387 >> OKAY. SO, THE BEST MOTHER'S DAY GIFT OF ALL, I BELIEVE, IS HONESTY. 448 00:49:47,387 --> 00:49:59,332 DON'T LIE TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER SHE'S HOSTING SNL AND THEN JUST HAVE HER ON THE WORST PART 449 00:49:59,332 --> 00:50:08,441 OF THE SHOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE." >> THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MAD? YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HOSTING? 450 00:50:08,441 --> 00:50:14,347 >> BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME. I EMAILED AND SAID, IN TOWN, CAN 451 00:50:14,347 --> 00:50:21,988 I HOST. AND I IMMEDIATELY GOT A CONFIRMATION EMAIL FROM YOUR 452 00:50:21,988 --> 00:50:23,223 ASSISTANT. >> MY ASSISTANT? >> YES. 453 00:50:23,223 --> 00:50:29,496 MAILER DAMON. >> OH, MY GOD. A WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE'S NOT MAD. 454 00:50:29,496 --> 00:50:35,301 >> I'M NOT MAD! GOODNIGHT! 455 00:50:46,212 --> 00:50:52,585 >>> OKAY. DAWN FARRAWAY IS ON HER WAY TO 456 00:50:52,585 --> 00:50:56,723 SET. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT THREE-TIME OSCAR WINNING DAWN 457 00:50:56,723 --> 00:51:04,964 FARRAWAY FOR THIS COMMERCIAL. ARE YOU IN NERVOUS? I'VE HEARD SHE MAKES DIRECTORS 458 00:51:04,964 --> 00:51:07,434 CRY. >> I'VE HEARD THAT AS WELL. LET ME START BY SAYING, I LOVE 459 00:51:07,434 --> 00:51:17,110 THIS COFFEE SO MUCH. AND THE SCRIPT, IT'S PERFECTION. IT'S A LOVE LETTER TO DECAF 460 00:51:17,110 --> 00:51:22,515 COFFEE, KUDOS. >> MS. FARRAWAY, I'M GORGE, THE DIRECTOR. 461 00:51:22,515 --> 00:51:26,353 >> TANYA GRIGGS FROM TIPTOP COFFEE. HUGE PLEASURE. 462 00:51:26,353 --> 00:51:31,691 >> I LOVE YOUR PRODUCT. I LOVE THIS COFFEE. >> SHOULD WE READ IT ONCE BEFORE 463 00:51:31,691 --> 00:51:40,000 WE SHOOT? >> FIRST, ANOTHER COFFEE. AND THEN WE CAN PUT IT ON THE 464 00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:44,671 GRILL, AS THEY SAY. HELLO. NOW LET'S SEE HERE. 465 00:51:44,671 --> 00:51:49,976 I LIKE COMING OUT WITH A RICH CUP OF COFFEE. I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR NIGHT. 466 00:51:49,976 --> 00:51:57,951 AND THE FLAVOR, MM, IT'S AS GOOD AS COFFEE GETS. >> MS. FARRAWAY, THAT WAS 467 00:51:57,951 --> 00:52:00,920 AMAZING. >> LET'S DO IT. RIGHT AFTER I GET A TOP OFF OF 468 00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:08,094 THIS DELICIOUS COFFEE. I CAN'T STOP DRINKING IT. >> ARE YOU A COFFEE CONNOISSEUR? 469 00:52:08,094 --> 00:52:13,433 >> I'VE NEVER HAD IT BEFORE. MY DOCTOR SAID DO NOT. >> YOU SAID SHE WAS DIFFICULT, 470 00:52:13,433 --> 00:52:17,937 BUT SHE'S BEING A TOTAL PRO. >> ALL RIGHT. TIPTOP COFFEE COMMERCIAL TAKE 471 00:52:17,937 --> 00:52:23,610 ONE. >> AND ACTION. >> I LOVE CURLING UP WITH A RICH 472 00:52:23,610 --> 00:52:28,081 CUP OF COFFEE. I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR NIGHT. WHY? 473 00:52:28,081 --> 00:52:33,787 BECAUSE TIPTOP COFFEE -- CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE? >> WHO ME? 474 00:52:33,787 --> 00:52:39,659 I'M THE CAMERA MAN. >> WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT IN MY EYE LINE, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT. 475 00:52:39,659 --> 00:52:45,999 NOW, GIVE ME ANOTHER CUP OF THIS G.D. DELICIOUS COFFEE AND LET'S GO AGAIN RIGHT AWAY. 476 00:52:45,999 --> 00:52:51,805 >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET'S TRY ONE MORE TIME. 477 00:52:51,805 --> 00:53:00,380 >> TIPTOP COMMERCIAL, TAKE TWO. >> AND ACTION. >> I LOVE CURLING UP WITH A RICH 478 00:53:00,380 --> 00:53:06,252 CUP OF COFFEE. I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR -- LINE? >> DAY OR NIGHT. 479 00:53:06,252 --> 00:53:10,957 >> WHO IS THIS? CAN SHE LEAVE? >> MS. FARRAWAY, IS THERE AN 480 00:53:10,957 --> 00:53:15,061 ISSUE? >> YES, I DON'T LIKE HER, AND I WOULD LIKE HER TO LEAVE. 481 00:53:15,061 --> 00:53:18,298 [ FLATULENT NOISE ] >> MS. FARRAWAY? >> YES? 482 00:53:18,298 --> 00:53:22,969 >> DID YOU JUST? >> NOPE. LET'S GO AGAIN. 483 00:53:22,969 --> 00:53:29,142 WHERE'S THE COFFEE BOY? JUST GIVE ME THE ENTIRE SAMOVAR. >> MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN ON 484 00:53:29,142 --> 00:53:33,646 THE COFFEE. I DON'T THINK IT'S SITTING WELL. >> THE COFFEE IS THE ONLY REASON 485 00:53:33,646 --> 00:53:47,093 I'M STILL HERE. IF IT WASN'T SO DAMN GOOD, I WOULD BE HALFWAY DOWN THE 486 00:53:47,093 --> 00:53:49,596 BOULEVARD [ FLATULENT NOISE ] I DON'T KNOW WHO LET FROGS IN 487 00:53:49,596 --> 00:53:54,734 HERE, BUT THEY'RE VERY LOUD, AND THEY'RE RUINING MY TAKE. SOMEONE POWDER ME AGAIN. 488 00:53:54,734 --> 00:53:59,806 I DON'T LIKE YOU. NOT HER, I DON'T LIKE HER. >> I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER. 489 00:53:59,806 --> 00:54:02,842 >> OH, I LIKE HER. >> MRS. FARRAWAY, DO YOU NEED A MOMENT? 490 00:54:02,842 --> 00:54:06,880 >> WHAT IS YOUR NAME? TANDALAYA? >> TANYA. 491 00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:14,688 >> WHAT I NEED, TANDALAYA IS TO GET THIS DAMN SPOT IN THE CAN. NOW LET'S SHOOT IT. 492 00:54:14,688 --> 00:54:21,194 [ FLATULENT NOISE ] >> ALL RIGHT. WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, 493 00:54:21,194 --> 00:54:26,633 MS. FARRAWAY. >> COFFEE COMMERCIAL, TAKE THREE. 494 00:54:26,633 --> 00:54:36,476 >> AND ACTION. >> I -- LINE. >> LOVE. 495 00:54:36,476 --> 00:54:37,977 >> LINE. >> CURLING. >> LINE. 496 00:54:37,977 --> 00:54:41,981 >> UP WITH. >> LINE. >> A RICH CUP. 497 00:54:41,981 --> 00:54:49,189 >> KEEP GOING. >> OF COFFEE. BECAUSE TIPTOP COFFEE IS DECAF 498 00:54:49,189 --> 00:54:52,726 NATED. >> IT IS? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME? 499 00:54:52,726 --> 00:54:57,864 CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE? >> I'M THE DIRECTOR. >> THEN YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO 500 00:54:57,864 --> 00:55:02,769 LEAVE. >> I'M THE CLIENT. >> NO ONE IS LEAVING. 501 00:55:02,769 --> 00:55:08,742 ONE MORE TIME. ALL THE LINES IN A ROW. WE'RE PAYING YOU $8 MILLION. 502 00:55:08,742 --> 00:55:10,710 >> WOW. KITTY HAS CLAWS. BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. 503 00:55:10,710 --> 00:55:15,415 I HAVE A REPUTATION FOR BEING DIFFICULT. BUT WHEN IT'S TIME TO DO IT, 504 00:55:15,415 --> 00:55:22,222 IT'S TIME TO DO IT. >> I THINK WE GOT IT THIS TIME. LET'S RESET. 505 00:55:22,222 --> 00:55:32,866 AND ACTION. >> I LOVE CURLING UP WITH A RICH CUP OF COFFEE. 506 00:55:32,866 --> 00:55:36,169 [ FLATULENT NOISE ] I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR NIGHT. [ FLATULENT NOISE ] 507 00:55:36,169 --> 00:55:45,779 WHY? BECAUSE TIPTOP COFFEE IS DE CAFFEINATED, AND THE FAVOR IS AS 508 00:55:45,779 --> 00:55:53,086 COFFEE AS IT GETS [ FLATULENT NOISE ] AND CUT. 509 00:55:53,086 --> 00:55:56,923 WELL, YOU ALL LIKED IT THAT MUCH? >> NO. 510 00:55:56,923 --> 00:56:02,495 WE'RE TRYING TO CREATE A WIND AWAY FROM US? >> TANDALAYA, PLEASE LEAVE. 511 00:56:02,495 --> 00:56:04,664 PLEASE. 512 00:56:19,546 --> 00:56:24,784 >>> ONCE AGAIN, VAMPIRE WEEKEND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 513 00:56:24,784 --> 00:56:33,360 * CAN'T REACH THE MOON NOW CAN'T TURN THE TIDE THE WORLD LOOKED DIFFERENT 514 00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:42,535 WHEN GOD WAS ON YOUR SIDE * * WHO BUILDS THE FUTURE DO THEY CARE WHY 515 00:56:42,535 --> 00:56:48,975 I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED OF TRYIN' * * LISTEN CLEARLY 516 00:56:48,975 --> 00:56:55,782 YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY CAPRICORN * * THE YEAR THAT 517 00:56:55,782 --> 00:57:02,288 YOU WERE BORN FINISHED FAST * * AND THE NEXT ONE 518 00:57:02,288 --> 00:57:12,665 WASN'T YOURS TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * 519 00:57:12,665 --> 00:57:24,477 * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN * ** 520 00:57:24,477 --> 00:57:50,937 ** ** * ALONE AND WOUNDED 521 00:57:50,937 --> 00:58:00,680 BUT IN MY PRIME I CALLED THE HOSPITAL THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME * 522 00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:08,755 * I'D SEEN IT COMIN' IT'S NO SURPRISE I KNOW 523 00:58:08,755 --> 00:58:14,194 YOU'RE TIRED OF TRYIN' * * LISTEN CLEARLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY 524 00:58:14,194 --> 00:58:21,134 CAPRICORN * * THE YEAR THAT YOU WERE BORN 525 00:58:21,134 --> 00:58:28,641 FINISHED FAST * * AND THE NEXT ONE WASN'T YOURS 526 00:58:28,641 --> 00:58:38,284 TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES 527 00:58:38,284 --> 00:58:56,069 FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN * ** ** 528 00:58:56,069 --> 00:59:16,856 ** * A HUNDRED DOLLARS ON SOMEONE'S DIME 529 00:59:16,856 --> 00:59:26,032 I LOOKED FOR ANSWERS THERE THEY WEREN'T MINE TO FIND * * GOOD DAYS ARE COMIN' 530 00:59:26,032 --> 00:59:32,305 NOT JUST TO DIE I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED OF TRYIN' * 531 00:59:32,305 --> 00:59:38,178 * LISTEN BABY YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY CAPRICORN * 532 00:59:38,178 --> 00:59:44,617 * THE YEAR THAT YOU WERE BORN FINISHED FAST * 533 00:59:44,617 --> 00:59:53,259 * AND THE NEXT ONE WASN'T YOURS TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG 534 00:59:53,259 --> 01:00:03,937 TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN 535 01:00:03,937 --> 01:00:09,843 CAPRICORN * * THE YEAR THAT YOU WERE BORN 536 01:00:09,843 --> 01:00:17,884 FINISHED FAST * * AND THE NEXT ONE WASN'T YOURS 537 01:00:17,884 --> 01:00:27,027 TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES 538 01:00:27,027 --> 01:00:37,837 FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 539 01:00:49,983 --> 01:00:53,653 >>> IT'S NATIONAL NURSE'S WEEK. A TIME TO HONOR THE HARD-WORKING 540 01:00:53,653 --> 01:01:00,894 WOMEN AND MEN, I GUESS, WHO CARE FOR US AND KEEP US HEALTHY. >> TO ME, BEING A NURSE MEANS 541 01:01:00,894 --> 01:01:05,799 STANDING BY YOUR SIDE DURING LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS. >> TO ME, BEING A NURSE MEANS 542 01:01:05,799 --> 01:01:10,870 DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. THERE'S NO TASK TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL. 543 01:01:10,870 --> 01:01:20,080 >> 90% OF MY JOB IS CLEANING UP A GROAN MAN'S DOOKIE. THE OTHER 10% IS SPONGE BATHS, 544 01:01:20,080 --> 01:01:23,983 WHICH IS SOMEHOW WORSE. BY THE WAY, WHERE'S YOUR ACCENT FROM? 545 01:01:23,983 --> 01:01:30,724 >> THE JAMAICAN PART OF IRELAND. >> I WORK IN A MATERNITY WARD, SO I GET TO WITNESS MIRACLES 546 01:01:30,724 --> 01:01:35,228 EVERY SINGLE DAY. >> I SPECIALIZE IN ONCOLOGY, AND THERE'S NO BETTER FEELING THAN 547 01:01:35,228 --> 01:01:41,568 GETTING TO TELL SOMEONE THEY'RE CANCER-FREE. >> EVERY TIME WE TRY TO TAKE 548 01:01:41,568 --> 01:01:45,805 CURTIS' TEMPERATURE, HE SAY, WRONG HOLE. >> AND HE'S KIND OF RACIST. 549 01:01:45,805 --> 01:01:53,646 HE KEEPS CALLING ME VENUS. >> AND ME SERENA. >> BUT IN HIS DEFENSE, HE'S GOT 550 01:01:53,646 --> 01:01:57,217 DEMENTIA. >> NO, I DON'T. >> I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO HAVE 551 01:01:57,217 --> 01:02:01,321 DEMENTIA, CURTIS. >> I LOVE GETTING TO MAKE AN IMPACT ON PATIENTS' LIVES. 552 01:02:01,321 --> 01:02:09,629 BEING A NURSE ISN'T EASY, BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD. >> WE'RE IN CHARGE OF ORGANIZING 553 01:02:09,629 --> 01:02:14,401 THIS MAN'S PILLS, AND HIS PILL BOX BE LOOKING LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR. 554 01:02:14,401 --> 01:02:19,472 >> ALSO, HE KEEPS DUMPING OUT HIS PILLS AND REFILLING THE WHOLE THING WITH VIAGRA. 555 01:02:19,472 --> 01:02:24,544 >> IT'S ALL I NEED. >> YOU DON'T NEED VIAGRA. YOU NEED TO MEET JESUS. 556 01:02:24,544 --> 01:02:31,685 CURTIS, IF YOU SEE THE LIGHT, GO FOR IT. >> LAST WEEK, HE GAVE HIS REAL 557 01:02:31,685 --> 01:02:39,125 PILLS TO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG FRANKIE. FRANKIE ALWAYS LIT AS HELL. 558 01:02:39,125 --> 01:02:43,129 >> THERE'S NOTHING LIKE WATCHING A PATIENT WHO WAS SICK BEAT THE ODDS AND LEAVE THE HOSPITAL 559 01:02:43,129 --> 01:02:47,334 HAPPY AND HEALTHY. >> I HAD TO PUT A TUBE IN CURTIS' PENIS. 560 01:02:47,334 --> 01:02:53,373 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT EXCEPT LIKE HAVE YOU EVER TRIED PUTTING A STRAW 561 01:02:53,373 --> 01:03:01,047 INSIDE ANOTHER STRAW? >> WEEKS LATER, WE FOUND OUT CURTIS DIDN'T EVEN NEED A 562 01:03:01,047 --> 01:03:04,884 CATHETER. HE JUST MADE IT UP BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE HOW IT FEEL. 563 01:03:04,884 --> 01:03:11,358 >> IT FELT BAD. >> NURSES, THEY'RE THE REAL HEROES. 564 01:03:11,358 --> 01:03:16,062 MAKE SURE TO SAY THANK YOU. >> YOU USED TO BANG POTS AND PANS FOR US, AND THAT WAS REALLY 565 01:03:16,062 --> 01:03:19,833 ANNOYING, BUT YOU ALSO STOPPED REALLY QUICKLY, WHICH SOMEHOW FELT WORSE. 566 01:03:19,833 --> 01:03:24,237 >> WE DON'T DO IT FOR THE RECOGNITION, BUT WE DO APPRECIATE YOUR GRATITUDE. 567 01:03:24,237 --> 01:03:31,845 >> LISTEN, IF YOU CAN DO ANY OTHER JOB, DO IT. >> CLEANING GRAVE WARDS, COAL 568 01:03:31,845 --> 01:03:37,684 MINING, ANY OTHER JOB. >> UH-OH, LADIES. MY ICE CREAM FELL. 569 01:03:37,684 --> 01:03:41,821 CLEAN UP ON AISLE ME. 570 01:03:54,100 --> 01:03:56,936 >>> SPRING IS SPRUNG, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 571 01:03:56,936 --> 01:04:02,942 IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR YARD READY FOR SUMMER. >> WE'RE STEVE AND SANDY 572 01:04:02,942 --> 01:04:09,082 LANZETTI OF LANZETTI'S LAWN CARE. >> MOWING, MULCHING, WEEDING, WE 573 01:04:09,082 --> 01:04:13,820 DO IT ALL, AND NOBODY BEATS OUR PRICES. WE GUARANTEE OUR LANDSCAPERS 574 01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:20,493 WILL NOT GET WITH YOUR WIFE. >> TASTE TALE AS OLD AS TIME. YOUR WIFE IS BORED, SEES A 575 01:04:20,493 --> 01:04:26,533 HANDSOME YOUNG MAN MOWING THE LAWN, AND BAM, YOU'RE THE JOKE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 576 01:04:26,533 --> 01:04:31,304 WELL, THAT WON'T HAPPEN WITH US. WHY? >> BECAUSE WE ONLY HIRE HOPELESS 577 01:04:31,304 --> 01:04:35,275 WILL BE SEXLESS, SOCIALLY AWKWARD ZEROS. >> HEY. 578 01:04:35,275 --> 01:04:38,745 >> THEY'RE BUSTED, CORNY, AND THEY WOULDN'T DREAM OF TAKING THEIR SHIRT OFF IN FRONT OF A 579 01:04:38,745 --> 01:04:46,152 WOMAN. >> I WOULD, BUT MY DERM WAS LIKE, SHIRT STAYS ON. 580 01:04:46,152 --> 01:04:53,360 >> TRUST ME, YOUR WIFE WILL WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THESE BOTTOM FEEDERS. 581 01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:59,199 >> BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT JUST UNATTRACTIVE, THEY'RE ALSO SOCIALLY REPELLANT, LIKE GABE 582 01:04:59,199 --> 01:05:01,901 WHO SPEAKS IN EVERY VOICE BUT HIS OWN. >> WOW. 583 01:05:01,901 --> 01:05:08,041 THE LAWN LOOKS AMAZING. >> WHY, THANK YOU. DOUBLE CUT IT, I DID. 584 01:05:08,041 --> 01:05:14,748 AND WEED WHACKED IT, DUDE. >> NOBODY'S RUINING THEIR MARRIAGE FOR THAT. 585 01:05:14,748 --> 01:05:21,254 >> AND THEY DEFINITELY WON'T RUIN IT FOR DERRICK, WHO PANICS AROUND WOMEN AND COMES OFF REAL 586 01:05:21,254 --> 01:05:24,057 RUDE. >> COULD YOU MULCH THE GARDEN BEFORE -- 587 01:05:24,057 --> 01:05:34,200 >> OKAY! >> OR MAYBE WE'LL SEND CHRIS WHO LIKES TO DO CRINGY WHAT-IFS. 588 01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:39,706 >> DO YOU THINK THIS AREA IS TOO SHADY FOR TULIPS? >> SHADY, SLIM SHADY LIKE WHAT 589 01:05:39,706 --> 01:05:45,979 IF EMINEM IS DOING YOUR LANDSCAPING AND HE'S ALL TIRED, ARM SPAGHETTI, MOWING YOUR LAWN 590 01:05:45,979 --> 01:05:50,316 ALREADY. >> COULD I GROW TULIPS HERE? >> WHAT IF I SAID NO BUT YOU 591 01:05:50,316 --> 01:05:56,322 ACTUALLY COULD? >> DUDE! >> NO MATTER WHO WE SEND, YOUR 592 01:05:56,322 --> 01:06:02,495 WIFE WILL WALK AWAY FROM IT COMPLETELY SEXUALLY DEAD. >> IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING, 593 01:06:02,495 --> 01:06:09,703 THEY'RE NOT MUCH BETTER WITH GUYS EITHER. >> DID YOU PUT THE GRASS SEED 594 01:06:09,703 --> 01:06:15,909 DOWN BY THE PATIO? >> HELL YEAH, DUDE! >> WE STARTED THIS COMPANY TEN 595 01:06:15,909 --> 01:06:20,613 YEARS AGO AFTER I MADE AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT. >> YEP, A 23-YEAR-OLD ERROR 596 01:06:20,613 --> 01:06:24,684 NAMED JASON. >> IT WAS ONE TIME. >> YEP, ONE TIME, BT IT HAPPENED 597 01:06:24,684 --> 01:06:28,621 THREE TIMES DURING THAT ONE TIME. >> AND I NEVER REPEATED THAT 598 01:06:28,621 --> 01:06:37,230 ERROR AGAIN. >> NOT WITH JASON, BUT YOU REPEATED IT WITH DIEGO. 599 01:06:37,230 --> 01:06:41,634 >> AND IT MEANT NOTHING. >> THAT'S WHY YOU PLANNED TO KILL ME? 600 01:06:41,634 --> 01:06:47,440 YOU WERE SERIOUS ENOUGH TO BUY A BARREL THAT YOU DISSOLVE BODIES IN. 601 01:06:47,440 --> 01:06:52,178 >> I HAD POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. >> OUR DAUGHTER WAS IN COLLEGE, SANDY! 602 01:06:52,178 --> 01:06:57,650 >> IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN, AND IF YOU GO WITH LANZETTI'S 603 01:06:57,650 --> 01:07:04,157 LAWN CARE THIS SEASON, NEITHER WILL YOUR WIFE. LANZETTI'S LAWN CARE WHERE THE 604 01:07:04,157 --> 01:07:08,328 ONLY TEMPTATION -- >> IS OUR LOW PRICES. >> WHAT IF OUR PRICES WEREN'T 605 01:07:08,328 --> 01:07:11,698 EVEN THAT LOW AND THEY WERE LIKE SUPER HIGH? >> SHUT UP, NERD. 606 01:07:22,575 --> 01:07:28,782 >>> MY THANKS TO VAMPIRE WEEKEND. 607 01:07:28,782 --> 01:07:36,122 ALL THE MOMS. THIS BEAUTIFUL BUILDING, LORNE, AND MY ENTIRE FAMILY HERE. 608 01:07:36,122 --> 01:07:40,827 THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS WAS A FANTASTIC MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT. 609 01:07:40,827 --> 01:07:45,131 THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU!