>>> AND NOW A SPECIAL MOTHER'S DAY MESSAGE FROM THE CAST OF
SNL. >> GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. I AM HERE TONIGHT WITH MY MOMMY,
ANN. BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, IT IS MOTHER'S DAY IN ABOUT 29
MINUTES. >> SO STILL PLENTY OF TIME TO BUY A GIFT.
>> I TOLD YOU, MOM, MY CHILDREN ARE MY GIFT TO YOU. >> SO ME BABY SITTING THEM IS MY
GIFT? HOW GENEROUS. >> ANYWAY, WITH SO MANY
UPSETTING STORIES IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD TAKE A BREAK FROM A REGULAR COLD
OPEN AND HEAR SOME HEART-WARMING STORIES FROM OUR MOMS INSTEAD. >> REALLY?
THAT'S TOO BAD. I WAS EXCITED TO SEE WHO WAS GOING TO PLAY STORMY DANIELS.
>> ALL RIGHT. COME ON. >> MOM, I LOVE YOU, AND I'M SO
GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR ME. >> WELL, THANKS, ANDREW.
I BROUGHT PHOTOS. >> YOU WHAT? >> HERE'S ONE OF ANDREW IN THE
BATHTUB WHEN HE WAS 3. AND I ALSO BROUGHT ONE OF ANDREW IN THE BATHTUB WHEN HE WAS 23.
>> ALL RIGHT, MOM. THANKS FOR COMING. >> IT'S A TASTEFUL NUDE.
>> MOM, I'M SO EXCITED YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT. >> ME TOO, CHLOE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I'M AT THE ROAST OF TOM BRADY. >> NO, NO.
MOM, THAT WAS ON SUNDAY. >> CAN I STILL DO MY JOKE? >> I GUESS.
>> TOM BRADY'S MARRIAGE FINISHED SO QUICKLY, I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR DAD.
>> MOM! OH, MY GOD! >> HEY, GUYS.
THIS IS MY MOM, MARY. >> HEY, EVERYONE. >> MY MOM IS MORE THAN JUST A
MOM. SHE'S LIKE A SUPERMOM. >> AND YOU'RE LIKE A SUPER
DAUGHTER. BECAUSE YOU'RE SWEET, YOU'RE FUNNY, AND YOU'RE STRONGER THAN
ANY MAN I'VE EVER MET. >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> WHOO!
>> I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, HONEY. >> AW, THANKS, MOM. IS THERE ANYTHING SPECIAL YOU
WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY? >> YOU KNOW, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME THE GREATEST GIFT OF
ALL, THAT BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD SKETCH, EVERYONE KNOWS ME AS BUTT-HEAD'S MOM.
>> BUTT-HEAD'S MOM, YEAH, NICE. >> I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE, MOM.
>> AW, I LOVE WATCHING YOU ON THE SHOW, HONEY. IT'S THE BEST PART OF MY SUNDAY.
>> WAIT. YOU WATCH THE SHOW ON SUNDAY? >> DOESN'T EVERYBODY WATCH IT ON
SUNDAY? I MEAN, SATURDAYS I'M IN THE CLUB.
>> WELL, MOM, YOU ALWAYS ASKED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WEAR A BALD CAP ON THE SHOW.
>> NOW I KNOW. IT'S HOT, IT'S ITCHY, AND IT'S GOING TO MAKE THIS OUR DUMBEST
CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTO EVER. >> THIS IS MY MOM. EVERYTHING I DO, ALL MY WORK
HERE, I DO IT FOR HER. >> EXCEPT THE STUFF THAT BOMBS. >> RIGHT.
EXCEPT THE STUFF THAT BOMBS. THOSE ONES I DO FOR MY DAD. >> I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE
ON SNL TOGETHER, MOM? >> I KNEW YOU WOULD BE GREAT ON THE SHOW FROM ALL THE FUNNY HOME
VIDEOS YOU USED TO MAKE. LOOK. >> I LOVE CORN.
MM, CORN. >> MOM, THAT WASN'T ME. >> I KNOW.
BUT IT'S FUNNY. >> HEY, MOM. ARE YOU EXCITED TO BE HERE?
>> OF COURSE I AM. AND I LOVE ALL THE INCREDIBLE IMPRESSIONS YOU DO.
>> OH, THANKS, MOM. >> WANT TO SEE ME DO AN IMPRESSION?
>> SURE. >> IN THIRD GRADE YOU LOST YOUR GAME BOY, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU
DID. WAH. >> MOM, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE
HERE, MAMA. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, MARCELLO. YOU GREW UP SO FAST, BUT NOT SO
HIGH. >> THANKS. >> AND CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING?
>> SURE, YEAH. >> ALL THE MALE CAST MEMBERS HAVE BEEN SO NICE TO ME.
>> OH, WOW. >> MICHAEL CHE EVEN GAVE ME FLOWERS.
>> WOW. >> BUT THE NOTE WAS JUST A PHONE NUMBER.
>> OKAY. MY MOM, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU.
>> AND ARE YOU EXCITED TO BE HERE TOO, MOM? >> OH, SO EXCITED.
I NEED TO FIND LORNE AND SAY THANK YOU. WITHOUT HIM, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
A DOCTOR AT A HOSPITAL? THANKS A LOT, LORNE. >> MOM, CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"? >> HONESTLY, NO. I ALWAYS HOPED YOU WOULD BE ON
JACK ASS. BUT THIS IS YOUR WEEK TO SHINE. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> RFK JR. SAID THEY FOUND A WORM IN HIS BRAIN. YOU COULD BE THE WORM.
>> OH, THANKS, MOM. >> AND WE'RE ONLY SORT OF IN THE CAST, SO THEY WOULD ONLY LET US
INVITE OUR DADS. >> DAD, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE IN HERE.
>> WILL YOU JUST RELAX? IT'S JUST CRACK. >> WELL, MOM, WE'RE LAST.
BECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF TIME AND WE HAD TO CUT COLIN AND HIS MOM AND MATCHING HAIR CUTS.
>> WAIT A MINUTE. IF I DON'T HAVE A LINE, I DON'T GET PAID.
>> WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I MEAN, I SPENT DAYS GROWING
THIS OUT. >> WELL, MOM, DO YOU HAVE AN UPLIFTING MESSAGE FROM THE MOMS
TO LEAVE ON? >> I DO. WE ARE FROM ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY, BUT WE HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON. WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN WITH ALL
OUR HEART. >> OH, WOW, THAT'S REALLY SWEET, MOM.
>> I HAVE A TOM BRADY JOKE TOO. TOM BRADY IS SO HANDSOME, HE SHOULD GIVE ME A CALL.
>> MOM, YOU'RE MARRIED TO DAD! >> IT'S A MOTHER'S DAY HALL PASS.
>> OKAY. EVERYBODY GETS ONE. EVERYBODY GET BACK ON STAGE.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM EVERYONE AT SNL. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY.
MUSICAL GUEST -- VAMPIRE WEEKEND.
AND YOUR HOST -- MAYA RUDOLPH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAYA RUDOLPH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK! THANK YOU! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AWW. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
IT IS SO GOOD TO BE BACK. AND FOR THE MOTHER'S DAY EPISODE.
AND FOR ME, IT'S EXTRA SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM A FOUR-TIME MOM. THAT'S RIGHT.
I HAVE FOUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS -- THAT I KNOW OF. >> HEY, MAYA.
>> BOWEN, SARAH, HEY GUYS. >> WE WANTED TO SAY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
>> OH, THANK YOU. >> YOU'RE NOT JUST A MOM. YOU'RE MOTHER.
>> YOU'RE A 30 ROCK LEGEND. YOU'VE HAD YOUR FOOT ON OUR NECKS SINCE Y2K.
>> REALLY? >> OF COURSE, YOU WERE THE FIRST TO SLAY DOWN THE HOUSE, BOOTS
QUEEN. >> YOU HAVE ACHIEVED EXTRA TERRESTRIAL MOTHER STATUS.
>> ME? MOTHER? YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME IS MR. INFINITY DECOR. WE DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU
HOES. WE CAME TO SLAY, BITCH. AND ALSO DO SOME COMEDY BITS.
OH, YES. THIS IS MAYA'S HOUSE NOW. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GAZE AND
THEYS, I GIVE TO YOU MOTHER OF THE HOUSE OF ROCKEFELLER.
I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR MOTHER.
I'M YOUR -- OOPS I MADE YOU DANCE. REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE WHEN I
POOPED MY PANTS? WHEN YOU WERE A BABY YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS, AND I CHANGED YOUR
DIAPER 'CUZ I'M YOUR MOTHER. WHO COINED SWEATER WEATHER AND GET YOU A CAR MADE OF LEATHER, I
DID. I ALSO SAID CLEAN YOUR ROOM, I'M YOUR MOTHER.
IT'S MOTHER'S DAY, Y'ALL! TODAY WE CELEBRATE ALL KINDS OF MOTHERS.
STEP MOTHERS, GODMOTHERS, MOTHERS FROM ANOTHER BROTHER, DANCE MOMS, OCTOMOMS.
>> WHAT ABOUT DOG MOMS? >> WHAT ABOUT THEM? AND HONEY, THAT'S NOT A DOG.
THAT'S A BITCH. I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR MOTHER.
I'M YOUR -- BOW DOWN 'CUZ I'M YOUR MAMA. IT'S GIVING QUEEN, IT'S GIVING
DRAMA. THIS PLACE GAVE YOU CONEHEADS, IT'S 11:30 GO TO BED.
WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE FUNTY? IT'S ME, KAMALA HUNTY! I WILL ALSO TURN THIS CAR AROUND
IF YOU DON'T STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER.
I'M YOUR MOTHER. >> MAYA!
MAYA! >> NOT NOW, CHILD. MOTHER IS MOTHERING.
>> I KNOW BUT I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM THE GUYS. THE MONOLOGUE, IT'S GIVING
BODY-ODY-ODY. >> BODY-ODY-ODY? >> YES, MOTHER.
THE RESULTS ARE IN! >> TEN. >> TEN.
>> I'M GAGGED. >> GAGGED? SAY LESS.
LISA LOOPNER, DEBBIE D., BABA WAWA, AND DOONISE. MARTHA STEWART GAVE GOOD HURR,
MARY CATHERINE GALLAGHER, SWEENEY SISTERS, DONATELLA, LISA FROM TEMECULA.
GIVING GORGEOUS, SERVING PRETTY, THEY DID IT LIVE FROM NEW YORK CITY.
I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR MOTHER. I'M YOUR -- MOTHER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
VAMPIRE WEEKEND IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK
>>> HOT ONES. >> FOR OUR FIRST WEEK FEAST, I'M
SEAN EVANS, AND THIS IS HOT ONES. THE SHOW WITH HOTTER QUESTIONS
AND EVEN HOTTER WINGS. ARTIST, ICON, AND QUEEN, BEYONCE KNOWLES CARTER.
>> HOWDY, SEAN EVANS. IT'S A PLEASURE FOR YOU TO HAVE ME.
>> ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY. SO YOU APPEARED ON THE SHOW ONCE BEFORE, AND YOU STRUGGLED A BIT
WITH THE SAUCES. SO WE'RE THRILLED YOU'VE RETURNED FOR A SECOND TRY.
>> WELL, THIS WAS THE ONLY THING I HAVE ATTEMPTED THAT I DID NOT SLAY.
AND THAT BOTHERED BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND. MY HUSBAND IS JAY-Z.
>> OH, YEAH. I KNOW. >> OH, OKAY.
I ASSUMED YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE THE WHITEST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN.
BOTH YOUR SKIN AND THE WAY YOU CARRY YOURSELF. >> OKAY.
YEAH. I WOULDN'T DISAGREE WITH THAT. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SHALL WE GET STARTED? >> GIDDY UP, LET'S GO. >> OUR FIRST SAUCE IS SATAN'S
TAINT CHARRED CHILI SAUCE, WHICH HAS A SCOVILLE RATING OF 65,000. ALL RIGHT.
THIS ONE'S GOOD. ALL RIGHT. YOU ALLUDED TO THE ICY RECEPTION
YOU RECEIVED AT THE 2016 CMAs AS THE INSPIRATION FOR YOUR LATEST ALBUM, COWBOY CARTER.
CAN YOU TALK MORE ABOUT THAT? >> WELL, I JUST THOUGHT WHO GETS TO DEFINE COUNTRY MUSIC?
WHY NOT ME. THAT'S A TASTY WING. NOT THAT SPICY.
I'M FROM TEXAS, BABY, YOUR GIRL LIKES IT CALIENTE. LET'S DO THE NEXT ONE.
>> OUR NEXT SAUCE THE SERGEANT SPHINCTER'S VOLCANO SAUCE WITH A SCOVILLE RATING OF 530,000.
>> ALL RIGHT. THIS ONE LOOK GOOD. HMM.
>> YEAH. THIS ONE'S ONE OF MY FAVES. SO I WANTED TO TALK A LITTLE
ABOUT THE SONG YA YA. BEYONCE? ARE YOU OKAY?
>> DEFINITELY, BOO. >> OKAY. GREAT.
SO, YEAH, THERE'S A LYRIC IN YA YA, WHOLE LOT OF RED IN THAT WHITE AND BLUE.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN TO YOU? >> UM, I FORGET. THIS WING IS STOMPING MY ASS.
DAMN, MY BONES ARE HOT. THAT WING WAS A REAL ONE. OOH, YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE ME
SING. * THIS AIN'T TEXAS * >> ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT'S YA YA ABOUT TO YOU? >> WILL YOU EXCUSE ME? I'M ABOUT TO START SPEAKING IN
TONGUES. I AM ZULE. I'M SO SORRY.
I BONES ARE STILL ON FIRE. WHERE IS MY ASSISTANT DERAFAEL? COME HERE?
>> I'M HERE FOR YOU, B. >> I NEED YOU TO GO ON GOOGLE AND SEARCH, IS IT POSSIBLE TO
TAKE SOMEONE'S BONES OUT THEY BODY, REPLACE THEM WITH BONES THAT AREN'T ON FIRE.
CAN YOU DO THAT? >> I'LL LOOK INTO IT, B. >> OKAY.
OUR NEXT SAUCE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME. IT'S JUST A PICTURE OF A TOILET
ON FIRE. AND IT HAS A SCOVILLE RATING OF 1.5 MILLION.
>> MM, SOUNDS YUMMY. DELICIOUS. >> YEAH.
THIS ONE'S PRETTY GOOD. ALL RIGHT. SO COWBOY CARTER IS PART OF A
THREE-ALBUM TRILOGY. >> YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR CHARLIE BROWN LOOKING ASS FOR A MINUTE,
AND YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME. BEYONCE ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING VERY HUMAN, SO I NEED YOU TO
BLUR MY FACE IN THREE, TWO, ONE -- OH, THEY TRYING TO MAKE A BITCH CACA HERSELF.
OKAY. I'M GOOD. >> OKAY.
SO WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT PART THREE? >> I'M NOT GOOD.
OOH. CAN I HAVE YOUR MILK? >> YEAH.
OF COURSE. >> THANK YOU. YOU NEED TO KILL YOURSELF,
GOLLUM. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GIVING THE WORLD'S BADDEST BITCH SWAMP
ASS ON YOUTUBE. DERAFAEL? WHAT'S THE STATUS ON TAKING MY
BONES OUT? >> WE CAN'T DO IT, B. >> PLAN B.
TAKE MY COCO BUTTER, ALAE LOTION OUT OF MY BAG AND GET AS MUCH AS YOU CAN INTO MY MOUTH.
>> BUT, B, YOU CAN'T EAT LOTION, ESPECIALLY NOT ON CAMERA. >> GET MY $6,000 COCO LOTION OUT
MY BAG AND INTO MY MOUTH. OR I WILL BREAK YOU IN HALF. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING
THIS. OKAY. OPEN WIDE, QUEEN.
>> MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE. OH! SEAN EVANS, IT'S NOT WORKING.
WHY CAN'T I SLAY THIS? WHY IS THIS JANKY HOT WINGS SHOW THE ONE THING BEYONCE CANNOT DO?
>> ALL RIGHT. JUST HANG IN THERE, QUEEN. ALL RIGHT.
SO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ACTING RIGHT NOW. HOW DO YOU CHOOSE LIKE WHICH
ROLES ARE WORTH TAKING A BREAK FROM AND -- DERAFAEL? >> LOOK INTO THE LIGHT, PLEASE.
BEYONCE WAS NEVER HERE AND NOT IN THE SHOW. >> FOR HOT ONES, I'M SEAN EVANS.
>>> SO NEXT WEEKEND, WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO SIOUX FALLS.
>> OH, THAT'LL BE GREAT. WHY SIOUX FALLS? >> I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KIND OF ALWAYS WANTED TO GO. >> THAT'S SO FUN.
BY THE WAY, CHELSEA, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY I LOVE YOUR SHIRT.
WHERE'S IT FROM? >> AN INSTAGRAM AD. IT TOTALLY POPPED UP IN MY FEED.
>> THE IT KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. >> YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GOOD IDEA?
SHOW OUR EXPLORE PAGES. >> I'LL GO FIRST. THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
IT'S ALL COOKIE RECIPES. >> SHARE THOSE WITH ME. >> AND MINE IS LITERALLY JUST
PUFFIES. NOT ONE. >> OKAY.
YOUR TURN, BOYS. WHO'S NEXT? >> NO.
>> WHAT? >> I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR LITTLE GAME.
>> GUYS, COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN. >> IT WILL RUIN THE NIGHT.
>> WHAT? MARK SHOW US YOUR PHONE. >> I THINK I LEFT IT IN THE CAR.
>> WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS? IF IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS IN BIKINIS, WE CAN HANDLE
THAT. >> LET'S JUST DROP IT. >> UH-OH, IS IT A BUNCH OF
BUTTS? >> YEAH. >> NO.
IT'S JUST LIKE THIS ONE WOMAN. >> HEY THERE MR. LITTLE MAN. >> WHAT IS THIS?
>> I'M UNEESA CONFIDENCE, AN ONLINE GIRLFRIEND FOR MEN WITH SELF ESTEEM ISSUES.
>> SO IT'S A SELF-CONFIDENCE THING? I MEAN, JOHN, WHY WOULD YOU.
>> IT'S ALL THAT LADY? >> I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THESE VIDEOS BEFORE.
>> SPECIAL THANK YOU TO MARTIN FOR HIS $2,000 DONATION. >> YOU GAVE THIS BITCH $3,000?
>> IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. >> LOOK OUT FOR YOUR VICTORY GIFT, MARTIN.
HERE'S A HINT. >> SO IT IS A SEXUAL THING. >> YEAH, A SEXUAL THING, YEAH.
YES, IT IS. >> GIVE ME YOUR -- >> WHAT'S UP, BABY?
>> DID YOU EAT YOUR PHONE? >> DID I EAT MY CELL PHONE? BABE, WILL YOU HELP ME CALL 911?
>> SURE. >> HELLO. >> DON'T FORGET TO JOIN ME AT
OUR SECOND ANNUAL CONFIDENCE CON IN SIOUX FALLS. >> THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING TO
SIOUX FALLS? >> HEY, GUYS, LISTEN, I'M SORRY FOR LISTENING, BUT I KNOW THOSE
VIDEOS SEEM WEIRD, BUT RIGHT NOW, THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC OF MEN LONELINESS IN THIS COUNTRY.
LOOK AROUND YOU. MAYBE SOME CONFIDENCE IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE WE ALL NEED SELF CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE THE WORLD RIGHT NOW IS A REALLY WEIRD
PLACE. ALSO, YOUR FRIEND THAT SWALLOWED HIS iPHONE DIED A WHILE AGO.
>> NO! >> LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL BREASTS.
>> HEY, KIDS. >> WOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
WE'VE ALMOST MADE IT TO THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. >> I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM MY
STUDENTS. >> BUT SOMETIMES THE CLASS ROOM CAN FEEL LIKE A BATTLEFIELD AND
A WAR BETWEEN TEACHERS AND KIDS. >> NOW, AS WE REFLECT ON THE 2023 TO '24 SCHOOL YEAR, WE JUST
WANTED TO COME TOGETHER WITH A MESSAGE FOR OUR SPECIAL STUDENTS.
Y'ALL WON. >> Y'ALL WON. >> ABSOLUTELY, Y'ALL WON.
>> Y'ALL RUDE AND Y'ALL NASTY. NOT ONLY CAN YOU NOT READ, BUT YOU ARE ON DRUGS AND SPECTRUM
THAT DID NOT EVEN EXIST IN 2006. ON TOP OF THAT, YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES.
RIZZLER, GYAT, CHEEK, FANUM TAX. LOOK, COVID BROKE SOMETHING WE CAN'T FIX.
BUT AS FOR ME MYSELF PERSONALLY, I HAVE OFFICIALLY ENDURED BY LAST SKIBIDI TOILET.
I AM RETIRING. COME HERE, DAMIEN. THIS IS DAMIEN.
TELL THEM, YOUNG MAN, WHEN I GAVE YOU A D ON YOUR MATH QUIZ, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
OH, REALLY? BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY IN NOVEMBER.
WHAT DID YOU SAY, DAMIEN? >> I SAID YOU HAD A FUNKY NECK. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
HE SAID I HAD A FUNKY NECK. HELL NO. Y'ALL WON.
>> THIS IS JAY. THIS IS KENDALL. THESE TWO GOT IN A FIGHT IN ANY
CLASS ROOM, AND WHEN I TRIED TO BREAK IT UP, THEY TURNED ON ME. I GOT PIECED UP BY TWO
12-YEAR-OLD NONBINARY ASEXUALS. Y'ALL WON. I'M OUT.
>> SOMETIMES I LIKE A LITTLE PACKET OF CRYSTAL LIGHT IN MY WATER, AND THE KIDS COULDN'T LET
IT SLIDE. TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID. >> I SAID IT WAS BECAUSE YOU
COULDN'T AFFORD LEMONADE. >> THEN I FOUND OUT THEY STARTED A GO FUND ME TO HELP ME BUY
LEMONADE. IT RAISED $10,000. YEAH, Y'ALL WON.
>> THIS YEAR, I LIVED BY ONE WORD, T-S-I-D-D-A-H-N. THAT SPELLS -- SIT DOWN!
I SAY THIS WORD ABOUT 628 TIMES A DAY. FOR EXAMPLE, IF Y'ALL DON'T
TSIDDAHN! OR PERHAPS, KIARA, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO -- TSIDDAHN!
OR SOMETIMES, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN, JENNIFER, TSIDDAHN! ANYWAY, KIDS, I GIVE UP, AND
THERE IS LIQUOR IN THIS THERMOS. >> AND I TRIED TO PLAY CAHOOT WITH MY KIDS AS AN ICE BREAKER,
BUT WE HAD TO STOP BECAUSE THEY MADE USER NAMES LIKE POOP FEAST 420, OLIVER DE NIPPLE, AND MY
PERSONAL FAVORITE, ZDICK IN BALLS TWO. NEEDLESS TO SAW, Y'ALL WON.
>> I WORE A YELLOW RAINCOAT ON A RAINY DAY, AND IS SIXTH GRADERS CALLED ME CORALINE.
THAT WAS MY NAME IN THE YEARBOOK. I DON'T SEE IT, BRO.
>> I DO. MY BAD. THIS YEAR, WE HAD TO CONFISCATE
SOME OF THE STRANGEST ITEMS I'VE EVER SEEN. >> I WENT IN THAT BATHROOM AND
HAD TO CONFISCATE A WHOLE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. THEY WERE COOKING IT OVER THE
URINAL. I GIVE UP. Y'ALL WON.
>> WHAT A SCHOOL YEAR. WE'VE GOT THIS ONE MONTH LEFT, AND FROM US TEACHERS TO YOU
KIDS, Y'ALL PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT, AND Y'ALL WON. >> Y'ALL WON.
FROM EVERY TEACHER TO THOSE RUDE, STICKY, ILLITERATE
CHILDREN, WE GIVE UP. >> MS. WILLIAMS, CAN WE JUMP OFF THE TOP OF THE SWING SET?
>> NO! TSIDDAHN! >> BECAUSE Y'ALL WON.
>>> YOU'RE WATCHING NAT GEO. COMING UP NEXT, SNOW APES, WHITE
FUR, BIG RED ASSES.
>> 40,000 B.C., THE AREA THAT WILL ONE DAY BECOME MODERN
LONDON. USING FOSSIL RECORDS, MODERN COMPUTER MODELS ARE NOW ABLE TO
RECONSTRUCT THESE PRIMITIVE MEN, HOW THEY LOOKED, MOVED, AND SOUNDED.
OBSERVE AS TWO BRITISH CAVEMEN DISCOVER THE BONES OF AN UNFAMILIAR BEAST.
>> WHA? OOGA BOOGA? >> WHA?
UNGAH BUNGA? >> THEIR WORLD WAS GOVERNED BY A STRICT SOCIAL HIERARCHY WITH
EACH KNOWING THEIR PLACE. SEE THEM NOW, THE WARRIORS. >> HNH, HNH.
>> THE UPPER CLASS. >> OH. >> THE WORKING CLASS.
EVEN LITTLE CAVE CHILDREN. >> OY, OY, FILLA. >> THE POOR CHILD IS DISTRESSED
BECAUSE SHE CAN'T FIND HER FATHER. BUT IT'S 3:00 P.M., SO HE'S AT
THE LOCAL WATER HOLE DRINKING DISTILLS GRAIN. HERE WE SEE HIM MAKING
OUTLANDISH CLAIMS TO A FEMALE MEMBER OF THE TRIBE. >> OOGA BOOGA.
>> OH. >> THE WATERING HOLE IS ALSO A PLACE FOR STORY TELLING.
HERE WE SEE AN EARLY FORM OF GOSSIP. >> DIN GAH DA BOOGA.
>> WHA? >> THEY CAN DO THIS FOR HOURS, AND NO ONE EVER GETS ANNOYED.
HERE, AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE PERUSES THE LOCAL ART. SHE'S INTERRUPTED, THOUGH, BY A
PEACOCKING YOUNG MALE FROM THE GENUS AMICUS McJAGGEROUS. SHE LIKES IT, AND IN RESPONSE,
SHE GIVES A BEAUTIFUL SMILE.
AND NOW, SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS.
THE TOUGHEST MEMBER OF THE TRIBE HAS JUST CREATED FIRE. SHORTLY AFTER, HE'S ALSO THE
FIRST TO DISCOVER THAT FIRE IS HOT. REFUSING TO SHOW PAIN, HE KEEPS
A STIFF UPPER LIP. THE PAIN INTENSIFIES. HE LETS OUT A SMALL WHIMPER.
AT LAST, THE AGONY IS SO GREAT, IT INSPIRES HIM TO UTTER THE FIRST MODERN PHRASE.
>> BLOODY HOT, ISN'T IT? >> WHA? >> REMARKABLE.
TRULY, THESE WERE BRITISH CAVEMEN. WHEN WE RETURN, A STRANGER
ARRIVES FROM A DISTANT SHORE, THE FRENCH CAVEMAN. >> HNH, HNH, HNH.
>>> MOM. >> YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH. BUT, CAN YOU COME GET ME? >> IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
>> YEAH. I JUST WANT TO COME HOME. CAN YOU COME PICK ME UP?
>> OKAY. SURE, HONEY. WHEN THEY ASK WHY, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY? >> CAN YOU JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP?
AND, PLEASE, DON'T EMBARRASS ME. >> OH, HEY, SHARON. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
>> YEAH. KAYLIE NEEDS TO COME HOME. >> HOW COME?
>> HER GRANDMA'S HAVING A FUNERAL. >> AT 2:00 A.M.?
>> HER WISH WAS FOR A NIGHT FUNERAL. SHE LOVED THE NIGHT.
COME ON, KAYLIE. >> SORRY, GUYS. >> KAYLIE, WHAT IS IT?
>> CAN YOU COME AND GET ME? >> AGAIN? IT'S HER FATHER.
HE HAS BECOME GAY. >> RIGHT. >> WE HAVE ANOTHER MEMORIAL FOR
JFK. ROWLING. THAT'S REALLY SAD.
I NEED HER TO TEACH ME ENGLISH. SHE HAS TO FLY LIKE PAPER, GET HIGH LIKE PLANES.
>> LIKE THE M.I.A. SONG? >> YEAH. SO IF YOU CATCH HER AT THE
BOARDER, SHE GOT VISAS IN HER NAME. LET'S GO.
>> I'M SORRY, MOM. >> FINE, BUT YOUR DAD'S COMING THIS TIME.
>> NO! >> SHE WANTS TO LEAVE BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTER'S MEAN AND YOUR
HOUSE SMELLS WEIRD. >> DAD, STOP. >> GET UP.
>> SHE GOT HER PERIOD, AND SHE DON'T WANNA SAY, AND EVEN WHEN SHE WEARS PADS, IT GOES INTO
HER -- INTO THE UNDERWEAR SOMETIMES. >> DAD, DAD.
>> LET'S GO. BY THE WAY, I'M NOT GAY. HELLO, WE ARE POLICE.
>> WE'RE HERE TO ARREST THE GIRL. >> AND TAKE HER TO GIRL JAIL.
>> CICADAS. >> OH, MY GOD! >> KAYLIE, TIME TO GO.
>> MOM, YOU ALWAYS DO THIS. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT TO MY FRIENDS.
>> I DON'T CARE. YOU'RE COMING HOME, YOUNG LADY. >> WHY?
>> BECAUSE, I'M YOUR MOTHER, AND I'M A BITCH. >> SORRY, GUYS.
THANKS, MOM. >> YEP. >> HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM SNL.
THANKS FOR PICKING US UP.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, VAMPIRE WEEKEND.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** **
* BLACKEN THE SKY AND SHARPEN THE AXE
FOREVER CURSED TO LIVE UNRELAXED * * WE MAKE NO BONES
A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME AND A HOME IS NOWHERE WE CAN STAY *
* DODGED THE DRAFT BUT CAN'T DODGE THE WAR FOREVER CURSED
TO LIVE INSECURE * * THE CURTAIN DROPS A GANG OF GEN X COPS
ASSEMBLES * * TREMBLING BEFORE OUR HUMAN NATURE
IT WASN'T BUILT FOR ME IT'S YOUR ACADEMY * * BUT IN THAT TIME
YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE EACH GENERATION MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY *
** ** * WELCOME BACK
MY OLDEST FRIEND ARE YOU CURSED TO DEPART AGAIN *
* YOUR WAYS AND MEANS ETERNALLY OBSCENE AND ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR OBSCENITY AND HATRED * * IT WASN'T BUILT FOR ME IT'S YOUR ACADEMY
BUT IN MY TIME YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE * * EACH GENERATION
MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY * ** **
* IT WASN'T BUILT FOR ME IT'S YOUR ACADEMY BUT IN MY TIME
YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE * * EACH GENERATION MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY
IT'S BY DESIGN AND CONSEQUENTIALLY * * EACH GENERATION
MAKES ITS OWN APOLOGY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. THIS WEEK IN COURT, STORMY
DANIELS GAVE A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF SEX WITH DONALD TRUMP, WHICH WAS SO DISGUSTING,
EVEN THE SKY TURNED GREEN. STORMY DANIELS, SEEN HERE AS DRAWN BY THE CREATOR OF KATHY,
WAS ACCUSED BY TRUMP'S LAWYERS OF LYING ABOUT THEIR AFFAIR FOR PROFIT, WHICH WOULD MAKE HER THE
ONLY PERSON TO DO BUSINESS WITH TRUMP AND MAKE MONEY. IT'S ALSO BEEN IMPLIED THAT
STORMY DANIELS GOT INTO BED WITH TRUMP AND LET HIM DO WHATEVER HE WANTED JUST TO ADVANCE HER
CAREER. YOU KNOW, LIKE EVERY REPUBLICAN. >> STORMY DANIELS TESTIFIED THAT
DONALD TRUMP DID NOT WEAR A CONDOM. HE TRIED TO PUT ONE ON, BUT HE
WAS BLOCKED BY HIS TIE. STORMY DANIELS TESTIFIED IN DONALD TRUMP'S HUSH MONEY TRIAL
AND WAS ASKED TO LIST SOME OF THE MOVIES THAT SHE'S WORKED ON. AFTER SHE FINISHED, THE JUDGE
BANGED THE GAVEL AND OPENED ORAL ARGUMENTS -- WERE THE NAMES OF THE MOVIES.
OH, MAN. THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE. BREAKS MY HEART, COLIN.
>> BEFORE HER TESTIMONY, STORMY DANIELS AGREED NOT TO DESCRIBE DUMP'S GENITALIA IN COURT, AFTER
SHE WAS OFFERED HUSH MONEY BY THE JURY. BUT THEN, FLORIDA SENATOR RICK
SCOTT APPEARED IN COURT TO SUPPORT TRUMP, SO IN A WAY, WE DID GET TO SEE WHAT TRUMP'S
PENIS WOULD LOOK LIKE. >> ISRAELI OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY FURIOUS AFTER THE
U.S. WITHHELD A SHIPMENT OF WEAPONS. YES, SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET ANGRY
AT THEIR INTERVENTION. ALL RIGHT. PRESIDENT BIDEN ON TUESDAY
ISSUED A CALL TO FIGHT HATE AGAINST ANTI-SEMITISM SAYING, THERE IS NO PLACE FOR IT IN
AMERICA. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, COLIN'S COUNTRY CLUB.
>> IT'S A NICE PLACE. AT A WHITE HOUSE CEREMONY HONORING THE WNBA CHAMPION LAS
VEGAS ACES, PRESIDENT BIDEN MISTAKINGLY CALLED CANDICE PARKER ONE OF THE GREATEST
ALL-TIME COACHES. WORSE, HE THOUGHT THIS WOMAN WAS THEIR POINT GUARD.
>> DURING A CEREMONY IN RUSSIA, VLADIMIR PUTIN WAS SWORN IN FOR HIS FIFTH TURN AND SWORN IN BY
THE RUSSIAN CONSTITUTION, WHICH IS JUST A LABELED BOTTLE OF VODKA.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. REVEALED HE HAD A BRAIN WORM. I OFFERED TO EAT FIVE MORE BRAIN
WORMS AND STILL BEAT PRESIDENT TRUMP AND PRESIDENT BIDEN IN A DEBATE, HE SAID, WHICH IS SUCH
AN INSANE THING TO PROBABLY BE RIGHT ABOUT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. ADMITTED
TO HAVING A WORM THAT ATE PART OF HIS BRAIN. HERE TO COMMENT IS RFK JR.'S
BRAIN WORM. >> WHAT'S UP? AREN'T YOU SO GLAD I'M HERE?
>> NO. YOU ARE HORRIBLE TO LOOK AT. >> OH, COME ON, COLIN.
GIVE ME A KISS. >> I'M NOT GONNA KISS YOU, BRAIN WORM.
OKAY. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOW A HUGE FAN OF RFK JR.?
>> YEAH. I MEAN, COME O LOOK AT THIS GUY.
HE LOOKS LIKE A PACK OF CHICKEN THIGHS LEFT OUT IN THE SUN. CHECK OUT HIS FACE, HE LOOKS
LIKE SOMEONE LEFT BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN IN THE MICROWAVE TOO LONG.
HIS FACE IS SO RED, HE LOOKS LIKE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SCREAMING AT THOSE COLLEGE PROTESTORS,
COLIN. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. HOW DID YOU GET INTO HIS BRAIN IN THE FIRST PLACE?
>> SAME WAY YOU GET TO CARNEGIE HALL. >> PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE?
>> NO. THROUGH THE ANUS. BUT LOOK, RFK'S BODY WAS A
WORM'S PARADISE. NOT A SINGLE DROP OF VACCINE IN SIGHT.
MY WHOLE PARASITE POSSE HUNG OUT IN THERE. SHOUT OUT TO HOOK WORM, BOT FLY,
THAT FISH THAT SWIMS UP YOUR PEE STREAM. AND MY MAN, PAUL SANDOVAL.
BUT TONIGHT, I WANT TO BE THE FIRST TO OFFICIALLY ENDORSE RFK FOR PRESIDENT.
>> YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT THE FIRST. A FEW DAYS AGO, HE WAS ENDORSED
BY KEVIN SPACEY. >> OH, YOUR OLD PAL. I WAS IN THAT GUY'S BRAIN TOO.
I ATE THE PART THAT UNDERSTOOD THE WORD NO. WHAT?
COME ON! I'M A WORM. WHAT DO YOU GUYS EXPECT?
I LOVE CRAZY WHITE BOY BRAIN. SPEAKING OF THAT, LET ME GET A BITE OF THAT BRAIN, COLIN.
COME ON. I'M STARVING. STAY STILL.
LET ME TAKE A SIP OF YOUR MEMORIES. >> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON. HEY, STOP.
I NEED MY MEMORIES. >> NO, YOU DON'T. THERE'S GOT TO BE A FEW MEMORIES
I COULD GET RID OF FOR YOU. OH! OH!
LIKE THAT ONE TIME YOU RAN OVER A CYCLIST WITH YOUR PORSHE. >> HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
>> HE WAS ON A PELOTON, COLIN, IN HIS LIVING ROOM! >> ALL RIGHT, WORM, YOU GOT TO
GO. >> BEFORE I DO, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO RFK.
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU.
HEY, RFK. I MISS YOU. I MISS YOUR BODY.
I MISS THAT BEEF JERKY FACE. I WANT YOU BACK. AND IF YOU WANT ME BACK, HEY,
MEET ME AT THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING TONIGHT. I'LL BE THERE WEARING MY MARILYN
MONROE DRESS SINGING -- * HAPPY WORM BRAIN, MR. FUTURE PRESIDENT *
>> RFK JR.'S BRAIN WORM, EVERYONE.
>> A NEW PLANT HAS OPENED IN ICELAND, WHICH IS DESIGNED TO
REMOVE CLIMATE POLLUTION FROM THE ATMOSPHERE USING THE WORLD'S LARGEST VACUUM.
OH, A NEW VACUUM JUST IN TIME FOR MOTHER'S DAY. I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT YOU
WOULD LIKE THAT. >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT ACTOR ANDY CIRCUS WILL STAR IN AND
DIRECT A NEW LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIE FOCUSSING ON GOLLUM. UNFORTUNATELY, HIS CHANNELER
STYLE RELATIONSHIP WITH FRODO AND SAM. THIS YEAR'S MOST POPULAR BABY
NAMES FOR BOYS WERE LIAM AND NOAH. GREAT, ANOTHER GENERATION OF
PUSSIES. >> A GROWING NUMBER OF WOMEN WHO USED WEIGHT LOSS DRUGS ARE
REPORTING SURPRISE PREGNANCIES, WHICH ARE BEING CALLED OZEMPIC BABIES.
I BELIEVE THAT WAS ALSO THE THEME OF THE MET GALA. ONLINE CRITICS SAID THE DRESS
KIM KARDASHIAN WORE TO THE MET GALA HAD SUCH A TIGHT WAIST THAT IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS CRUSHED
HER ORGANS. BUT I ALREADY WATCHED HER ORGANS GET CRUSHED BY RAY JAY.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO MAKE THE SHOW. >> I THINK IT DID.
I THINK SOMEONE SCREAMED. A DOG WAS RESCUED AFTER IT FELL OFF A 50-FOOT CLIFF INTO A
QUARRY. NEXT TIME, SAID KRISTI NOEM. >> A WORKER ON A CRUISE SHIP
HEADING TO ALASKA WAS ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING THREE PASSENGERS WITH SCISSORS.
HE WAS EVENTUALLY SUBDUED BY A PASSENGER WITH ROCK. >> SO DUMB.
THIS YEAR MARKS THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2009 THAT A MARVEL MOVIE HAS NOT KICKED OFF THE SUMMER
MOVIE SEASON, WHICH BETTER BE A ONE-TIME THING BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE RELY ON MARVEL MOVIES TO
PAY FOR THE FERRIES THEY BOUGHT. >> THE WNBA WILL SOON ALLOW TEAMS TRAVELING FOR AWAY GAMES
TO FLY ON PRIVATE CHARTER PLANES, WHICH PREVIOUSLY ONLY HAPPENED AFTER THEY WERE
RELEASED FROM RUSSIAN PRISON. THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE SHOW. THIS IS MY EMMY SHOW.
ON WEDNESDAY, THE REIGNING MISS TEEN USA ANNOUNCED SHE WAS GIVING UP HER TITLE.
MAN THIS WEEK KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE FOR DRAKE.
>> WELL, TOMORROW IS MOTHER'S DAY.
HERE WITH SOME GIFT IDEAS TO SURPRISE HER MOM IS A MOM WHO SAYS SHE'S NOT MAD.
>> HEY, EVERYBODY. COLIN. I GUESS I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT
MAMA'S DAY. YEA! >> IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
>> YEP. I SAID I'M GOOD, SO I'M GOOD. >> THAT'S GREAT.
SO YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS. >> IF YOU'LL LET ME, YEAH.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO GET YOUR MAMA ON MOTHER'S DAY IS -- >> SUNGLASSES?
>> JESUS CHRIST, COLIN, NO. BRUNCH. BRUNCH.
THE SUNGLASSES WERE JUST TO BE FUNNY. I WAS GOING TO PUT THEM ON, PULL
THEM DOWN AND SAY, TABLE FOR TWO. IT'S A PROP.
BUT SURE, BRUNCH. TAKE YOUR MOM TO BRUNCH. >> I'M SORRY.
ALSO, IT'S PROBABLY A LITTLE LATE TO GET A RESERVATION FOR BRUNCH NOW.
>> YEAH, IT PROBABLY IS. HOW ABOUT YOU JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN I'M NEEDED?
>> TEN SIGNS YOUR MAN IS GASLIGHTING YOU. >> OKAY.
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY MAD. >> NO. I'M NOT.
ARE YOU INSANE RIGHT NOW? IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE MAD. >> OKAY.
WELL THEN IF YOU CAN'T GET A BRUNCH RESERVATION, MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE YOUR MOM BREAKFAST IN
BED. >> LOST MY SHIRT. GREAT IDEA.
>> YOU'RE FOLDING LAUNDRY NOW? >> YEAH. WHAT?
I'M GOOD. >> YOU DON'T SEEM GOOD. >> OKAY.
WELL THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME HOW TO BE? BY THE WAY, I WORE THE NICEST
THING I OWN. THIS WAS MY PROM DRESS. FOR WHAT?
ALSO, HI, CHE. I'VE BEEN SITTING OUT HERE FOR
FIVE MINUTES. YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD TO ME. >> I DON'T KNOW YOU.
>> OKAY. I'M GONNA GO. >> NO.
DON'T GO. PLEASE STAY. WE WOULD ALL -- WE WOULD LOVE TO
HEAR YOUR MOTHER'S DAY GIFT IDEAS. PLEASE.
PLEASE STAY. TELL US YOUR IDEAS. >> OKAY.
I'LL STAY. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO. >> GREAT.
>> OKAY. SO, THE BEST MOTHER'S DAY GIFT OF ALL, I BELIEVE, IS HONESTY.
DON'T LIE TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER SHE'S HOSTING SNL AND THEN JUST HAVE HER ON THE WORST PART
OF THE SHOW, "WEEKEND UPDATE." >> THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MAD? YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HOSTING?
>> BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME. I EMAILED AND SAID, IN TOWN, CAN
I HOST. AND I IMMEDIATELY GOT A CONFIRMATION EMAIL FROM YOUR
ASSISTANT. >> MY ASSISTANT? >> YES.
MAILER DAMON. >> OH, MY GOD. A WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE'S NOT MAD.
>> I'M NOT MAD! GOODNIGHT!
>>> OKAY. DAWN FARRAWAY IS ON HER WAY TO
SET. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT THREE-TIME OSCAR WINNING DAWN
FARRAWAY FOR THIS COMMERCIAL. ARE YOU IN NERVOUS? I'VE HEARD SHE MAKES DIRECTORS
CRY. >> I'VE HEARD THAT AS WELL. LET ME START BY SAYING, I LOVE
THIS COFFEE SO MUCH. AND THE SCRIPT, IT'S PERFECTION. IT'S A LOVE LETTER TO DECAF
COFFEE, KUDOS. >> MS. FARRAWAY, I'M GORGE, THE DIRECTOR.
>> TANYA GRIGGS FROM TIPTOP COFFEE. HUGE PLEASURE.
>> I LOVE YOUR PRODUCT. I LOVE THIS COFFEE. >> SHOULD WE READ IT ONCE BEFORE
WE SHOOT? >> FIRST, ANOTHER COFFEE. AND THEN WE CAN PUT IT ON THE
GRILL, AS THEY SAY. HELLO. NOW LET'S SEE HERE.
I LIKE COMING OUT WITH A RICH CUP OF COFFEE. I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR NIGHT.
AND THE FLAVOR, MM, IT'S AS GOOD AS COFFEE GETS. >> MS. FARRAWAY, THAT WAS
AMAZING. >> LET'S DO IT. RIGHT AFTER I GET A TOP OFF OF
THIS DELICIOUS COFFEE. I CAN'T STOP DRINKING IT. >> ARE YOU A COFFEE CONNOISSEUR?
>> I'VE NEVER HAD IT BEFORE. MY DOCTOR SAID DO NOT. >> YOU SAID SHE WAS DIFFICULT,
BUT SHE'S BEING A TOTAL PRO. >> ALL RIGHT. TIPTOP COFFEE COMMERCIAL TAKE
ONE. >> AND ACTION. >> I LOVE CURLING UP WITH A RICH
CUP OF COFFEE. I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR NIGHT. WHY?
BECAUSE TIPTOP COFFEE -- CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE? >> WHO ME?
I'M THE CAMERA MAN. >> WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT IN MY EYE LINE, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT.
NOW, GIVE ME ANOTHER CUP OF THIS G.D. DELICIOUS COFFEE AND LET'S GO AGAIN RIGHT AWAY.
>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET'S TRY ONE MORE TIME.
>> TIPTOP COMMERCIAL, TAKE TWO. >> AND ACTION. >> I LOVE CURLING UP WITH A RICH
CUP OF COFFEE. I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR -- LINE? >> DAY OR NIGHT.
>> WHO IS THIS? CAN SHE LEAVE? >> MS. FARRAWAY, IS THERE AN
ISSUE? >> YES, I DON'T LIKE HER, AND I WOULD LIKE HER TO LEAVE.
[ FLATULENT NOISE ] >> MS. FARRAWAY? >> YES?
>> DID YOU JUST? >> NOPE. LET'S GO AGAIN.
WHERE'S THE COFFEE BOY? JUST GIVE ME THE ENTIRE SAMOVAR. >> MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN ON
THE COFFEE. I DON'T THINK IT'S SITTING WELL. >> THE COFFEE IS THE ONLY REASON
I'M STILL HERE. IF IT WASN'T SO DAMN GOOD, I WOULD BE HALFWAY DOWN THE
BOULEVARD [ FLATULENT NOISE ] I DON'T KNOW WHO LET FROGS IN
HERE, BUT THEY'RE VERY LOUD, AND THEY'RE RUINING MY TAKE. SOMEONE POWDER ME AGAIN.
I DON'T LIKE YOU. NOT HER, I DON'T LIKE HER. >> I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER.
>> OH, I LIKE HER. >> MRS. FARRAWAY, DO YOU NEED A MOMENT?
>> WHAT IS YOUR NAME? TANDALAYA? >> TANYA.
>> WHAT I NEED, TANDALAYA IS TO GET THIS DAMN SPOT IN THE CAN. NOW LET'S SHOOT IT.
[ FLATULENT NOISE ] >> ALL RIGHT. WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
MS. FARRAWAY. >> COFFEE COMMERCIAL, TAKE THREE.
>> AND ACTION. >> I -- LINE. >> LOVE.
>> LINE. >> CURLING. >> LINE.
>> UP WITH. >> LINE. >> A RICH CUP.
>> KEEP GOING. >> OF COFFEE. BECAUSE TIPTOP COFFEE IS DECAF
NATED. >> IT IS? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME?
CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE? >> I'M THE DIRECTOR. >> THEN YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO
LEAVE. >> I'M THE CLIENT. >> NO ONE IS LEAVING.
ONE MORE TIME. ALL THE LINES IN A ROW. WE'RE PAYING YOU $8 MILLION.
>> WOW. KITTY HAS CLAWS. BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.
I HAVE A REPUTATION FOR BEING DIFFICULT. BUT WHEN IT'S TIME TO DO IT,
IT'S TIME TO DO IT. >> I THINK WE GOT IT THIS TIME. LET'S RESET.
AND ACTION. >> I LOVE CURLING UP WITH A RICH CUP OF COFFEE.
[ FLATULENT NOISE ] I COULD DRINK IT DAY OR NIGHT. [ FLATULENT NOISE ]
WHY? BECAUSE TIPTOP COFFEE IS DE CAFFEINATED, AND THE FAVOR IS AS
COFFEE AS IT GETS [ FLATULENT NOISE ] AND CUT.
WELL, YOU ALL LIKED IT THAT MUCH? >> NO.
WE'RE TRYING TO CREATE A WIND AWAY FROM US? >> TANDALAYA, PLEASE LEAVE.
PLEASE.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, VAMPIRE WEEKEND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* CAN'T REACH THE MOON NOW CAN'T TURN THE TIDE THE WORLD LOOKED DIFFERENT
WHEN GOD WAS ON YOUR SIDE * * WHO BUILDS THE FUTURE DO THEY CARE WHY
I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED OF TRYIN' * * LISTEN CLEARLY
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY CAPRICORN * * THE YEAR THAT
YOU WERE BORN FINISHED FAST * * AND THE NEXT ONE
WASN'T YOURS TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE *
* SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN * **
** * ALONE AND WOUNDED
BUT IN MY PRIME I CALLED THE HOSPITAL THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME *
* I'D SEEN IT COMIN' IT'S NO SURPRISE I KNOW
YOU'RE TIRED OF TRYIN' * * LISTEN CLEARLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY
CAPRICORN * * THE YEAR THAT YOU WERE BORN
FINISHED FAST * * AND THE NEXT ONE WASN'T YOURS
TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES
FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN * ** **
* A HUNDRED DOLLARS ON SOMEONE'S DIME
I LOOKED FOR ANSWERS THERE THEY WEREN'T MINE TO FIND * * GOOD DAYS ARE COMIN'
NOT JUST TO DIE I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED OF TRYIN' *
* LISTEN BABY YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY CAPRICORN *
* THE YEAR THAT YOU WERE BORN FINISHED FAST *
* AND THE NEXT ONE WASN'T YOURS TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG
TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN
CAPRICORN * * THE YEAR THAT YOU WERE BORN
FINISHED FAST * * AND THE NEXT ONE WASN'T YOURS
TOO OLD FOR DYIN' YOUNG TOO YOUNG TO LIVE ALONE * * SIFTING THROUGH CENTURIES
FOR MOMENTS OF YOUR OWN * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT'S NATIONAL NURSE'S WEEK. A TIME TO HONOR THE HARD-WORKING
WOMEN AND MEN, I GUESS, WHO CARE FOR US AND KEEP US HEALTHY. >> TO ME, BEING A NURSE MEANS
STANDING BY YOUR SIDE DURING LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS. >> TO ME, BEING A NURSE MEANS
DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. THERE'S NO TASK TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL.
>> 90% OF MY JOB IS CLEANING UP A GROAN MAN'S DOOKIE. THE OTHER 10% IS SPONGE BATHS,
WHICH IS SOMEHOW WORSE. BY THE WAY, WHERE'S YOUR ACCENT FROM?
>> THE JAMAICAN PART OF IRELAND. >> I WORK IN A MATERNITY WARD, SO I GET TO WITNESS MIRACLES
EVERY SINGLE DAY. >> I SPECIALIZE IN ONCOLOGY, AND THERE'S NO BETTER FEELING THAN
GETTING TO TELL SOMEONE THEY'RE CANCER-FREE. >> EVERY TIME WE TRY TO TAKE
CURTIS' TEMPERATURE, HE SAY, WRONG HOLE. >> AND HE'S KIND OF RACIST.
HE KEEPS CALLING ME VENUS. >> AND ME SERENA. >> BUT IN HIS DEFENSE, HE'S GOT
DEMENTIA. >> NO, I DON'T. >> I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO HAVE
DEMENTIA, CURTIS. >> I LOVE GETTING TO MAKE AN IMPACT ON PATIENTS' LIVES.
BEING A NURSE ISN'T EASY, BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD. >> WE'RE IN CHARGE OF ORGANIZING
THIS MAN'S PILLS, AND HIS PILL BOX BE LOOKING LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR.
>> ALSO, HE KEEPS DUMPING OUT HIS PILLS AND REFILLING THE WHOLE THING WITH VIAGRA.
>> IT'S ALL I NEED. >> YOU DON'T NEED VIAGRA. YOU NEED TO MEET JESUS.
CURTIS, IF YOU SEE THE LIGHT, GO FOR IT. >> LAST WEEK, HE GAVE HIS REAL
PILLS TO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG FRANKIE. FRANKIE ALWAYS LIT AS HELL.
>> THERE'S NOTHING LIKE WATCHING A PATIENT WHO WAS SICK BEAT THE ODDS AND LEAVE THE HOSPITAL
HAPPY AND HEALTHY. >> I HAD TO PUT A TUBE IN CURTIS' PENIS.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT EXCEPT LIKE HAVE YOU EVER TRIED PUTTING A STRAW
INSIDE ANOTHER STRAW? >> WEEKS LATER, WE FOUND OUT CURTIS DIDN'T EVEN NEED A
CATHETER. HE JUST MADE IT UP BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE HOW IT FEEL.
>> IT FELT BAD. >> NURSES, THEY'RE THE REAL HEROES.
MAKE SURE TO SAY THANK YOU. >> YOU USED TO BANG POTS AND PANS FOR US, AND THAT WAS REALLY
ANNOYING, BUT YOU ALSO STOPPED REALLY QUICKLY, WHICH SOMEHOW FELT WORSE.
>> WE DON'T DO IT FOR THE RECOGNITION, BUT WE DO APPRECIATE YOUR GRATITUDE.
>> LISTEN, IF YOU CAN DO ANY OTHER JOB, DO IT. >> CLEANING GRAVE WARDS, COAL
MINING, ANY OTHER JOB. >> UH-OH, LADIES. MY ICE CREAM FELL.
CLEAN UP ON AISLE ME.
>>> SPRING IS SPRUNG, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR YARD READY FOR SUMMER. >> WE'RE STEVE AND SANDY
LANZETTI OF LANZETTI'S LAWN CARE. >> MOWING, MULCHING, WEEDING, WE
DO IT ALL, AND NOBODY BEATS OUR PRICES. WE GUARANTEE OUR LANDSCAPERS
WILL NOT GET WITH YOUR WIFE. >> TASTE TALE AS OLD AS TIME. YOUR WIFE IS BORED, SEES A
HANDSOME YOUNG MAN MOWING THE LAWN, AND BAM, YOU'RE THE JOKE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WELL, THAT WON'T HAPPEN WITH US. WHY? >> BECAUSE WE ONLY HIRE HOPELESS
WILL BE SEXLESS, SOCIALLY AWKWARD ZEROS. >> HEY.
>> THEY'RE BUSTED, CORNY, AND THEY WOULDN'T DREAM OF TAKING THEIR SHIRT OFF IN FRONT OF A
WOMAN. >> I WOULD, BUT MY DERM WAS LIKE, SHIRT STAYS ON.
>> TRUST ME, YOUR WIFE WILL WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THESE BOTTOM FEEDERS.
>> BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT JUST UNATTRACTIVE, THEY'RE ALSO SOCIALLY REPELLANT, LIKE GABE
WHO SPEAKS IN EVERY VOICE BUT HIS OWN. >> WOW.
THE LAWN LOOKS AMAZING. >> WHY, THANK YOU. DOUBLE CUT IT, I DID.
AND WEED WHACKED IT, DUDE. >> NOBODY'S RUINING THEIR MARRIAGE FOR THAT.
>> AND THEY DEFINITELY WON'T RUIN IT FOR DERRICK, WHO PANICS AROUND WOMEN AND COMES OFF REAL
RUDE. >> COULD YOU MULCH THE GARDEN BEFORE --
>> OKAY! >> OR MAYBE WE'LL SEND CHRIS WHO LIKES TO DO CRINGY WHAT-IFS.
>> DO YOU THINK THIS AREA IS TOO SHADY FOR TULIPS? >> SHADY, SLIM SHADY LIKE WHAT
IF EMINEM IS DOING YOUR LANDSCAPING AND HE'S ALL TIRED, ARM SPAGHETTI, MOWING YOUR LAWN
ALREADY. >> COULD I GROW TULIPS HERE? >> WHAT IF I SAID NO BUT YOU
ACTUALLY COULD? >> DUDE! >> NO MATTER WHO WE SEND, YOUR
WIFE WILL WALK AWAY FROM IT COMPLETELY SEXUALLY DEAD. >> IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING,
THEY'RE NOT MUCH BETTER WITH GUYS EITHER. >> DID YOU PUT THE GRASS SEED
DOWN BY THE PATIO? >> HELL YEAH, DUDE! >> WE STARTED THIS COMPANY TEN
YEARS AGO AFTER I MADE AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT. >> YEP, A 23-YEAR-OLD ERROR
NAMED JASON. >> IT WAS ONE TIME. >> YEP, ONE TIME, BT IT HAPPENED
THREE TIMES DURING THAT ONE TIME. >> AND I NEVER REPEATED THAT
ERROR AGAIN. >> NOT WITH JASON, BUT YOU REPEATED IT WITH DIEGO.
>> AND IT MEANT NOTHING. >> THAT'S WHY YOU PLANNED TO KILL ME?
YOU WERE SERIOUS ENOUGH TO BUY A BARREL THAT YOU DISSOLVE BODIES IN.
>> I HAD POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. >> OUR DAUGHTER WAS IN COLLEGE, SANDY!
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I WON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN, AND IF YOU GO WITH LANZETTI'S
LAWN CARE THIS SEASON, NEITHER WILL YOUR WIFE. LANZETTI'S LAWN CARE WHERE THE
ONLY TEMPTATION -- >> IS OUR LOW PRICES. >> WHAT IF OUR PRICES WEREN'T
EVEN THAT LOW AND THEY WERE LIKE SUPER HIGH? >> SHUT UP, NERD.
>>> MY THANKS TO VAMPIRE WEEKEND.
ALL THE MOMS. THIS BEAUTIFUL BUILDING, LORNE, AND MY ENTIRE FAMILY HERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS WAS A FANTASTIC MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU!