Doug. Honey, where are you? The debates about the start.
Right here. Now. More.
Is I Doug It looks like I got to
attack.the Secret Service
I am feeling good tonight. We have got momentum.
and Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen,
let me say that again. And Bruce Springsteen.
baby I Was Born to Run. Saying,Was Born to Run.
googled myself too.ng great,
are calling me a grilf which means golden retriever.
I'd like to French. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. That's probably wrong.
see you later. Did he mean he was coming over
tonight? No. He went back to the white House. Oh, it looks likehe white House.
it's just Mamala and Pooh Bear
Dougy All right,
all right, let's watch. Okay.
Hello, and welcome to the CBS vice presidential debate.
I'm Norah O'Donnell. I'm Margaret Brennan. Now, let's say hello
and then goodbye for the next four years to our vice
presidential candidates, JD Vance and Tim Walz.
That handshake. I like this guy.
Gentlemen, welcome to the debate. Mr. Vance, please
give your opening statement. Thank you for having me. I want to begin with something
that will appeal to women voters. I understand that
both moderators tonight are mothers, and I like that.
Okay. And, Governor Walz,
it looks like you're already scribbling a bunch of notes. Are you preparing your answers?
No, I got a grade. These papers got a stack. Midterms. Okay.
We begin tonight with the topic of Israel.
Senator Vance, how would you solve the ongoing crisis
in the Middle East? You know, that is such an important question, Margaret.
One that deserves an answer because it's important. And it's a question
that you asked of me tonight.
You're not going to answer, are you?
No, I'm not. And, Governor Walsh, same question to you.
I don't know the answer, so I'm going to just say the word fundamental a bunch,
because debating is 30% fun and 70% the mental How am I doing?
Okay, okay. He's out there. He's doing his thing,
whatever that may be.
Come on. Just relax.
You know, you haven't had a night off in three months. Do you want to watch something
less stressful, like the Menendez brothers show? I don't know, Doug.
Yeah, I kind of wish I had pick Josh right now. Oh, Josh Shapiro.
No Josh Cabernet. Look, it'll be fine. It's not like he's
going to say something crazy. I've become friends with school shooters.
Okay. Little flub there,
You know what, Doug? You were right.
Let's watch something more fun. Ooh, like a rerun of my debate. Remember when I said
it's crowds were tiny and I broke his brain? Of course I do.
Look, this isn't easy for me either as a goofy white guy. This really sets
my fella's back. All right, I'm in a group chat with Josh Gad
and Jason Kelce and the mood is dark. We now turn to the gotcha
portion of the debate. Senator Vance, you called Donald Trump America's Hitler.
Do you regret that? What? The context matters. I meant that as a compliment.
Wow. This guy's good. He's got an answer for everything.
Thank you. That's quite kind. Hey. You're welcome.
Okay. I'm not sure why you two are connecting, but let's move on.
Governor Walz, you claimed you were in Hong Kong during the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre
when you were home in Minnesota. Can you explain that? So I think what
happened is I went to Epcot and you can go around the whole world.
And I had a couple in the Germany section that I thought I went to China.
Anyway, I'm a knucklehead, but I'm sure this guy has some some things he'd want to,
you know, back out of as well. He's right about that. That's that's an area where
we have a lot of common ground.
Why are they friends? Why are they vibing?
Hey, mama, it's Joe Biden. I can't talk right now. Tell him I'm not here.
No, no. Like he's in the room. Oh. Oh.
You're not. You're not here.
I'll come back. No no no no no. Come in. Nice and. Dry.
It's okay, man. You've been watching this guy. Come on. Walls.
What's wrong with that guy? He's crazy. Get your facts straight, Jack.
You got to hit him with a no, Joe. Here's the deal.
Let me be clear.
Anyway. Guess what?
And by the way, you you be talking about all the great things we've done.
Gas prices down or crossings down. Emmys for the bear.
Down. Everybody get down tonight.
You know. And now we turn to reproductive rights.
Governor Walz, what would you do on this issue? You know, in Minnesota,
we restored a woman's right to choose because we trust women.
And in Minnesota, we also happen to have the lowest
teen pregnancy rates, probably because everyone's wearing a lot of layers
and eating a lot of lake fish, just not a horny place. And Senator Vance,
your favorability rating on this issue is -100. What is your current stance.
Yeah. Republicans need to do much better
on this issue of building trust back with voters. That's why I'm keeping
all my real opinions up here. Well, we'd like to end tonight on the topic of democracy.
Senator Vance, your running mate refused to accept the results
of the last election. Would you have certified the results?
You know, nor it's rich to say that Donald Trump is a threat to democracy.
When he peacefully gave over power, we said no fact checking. And willingly and willingly.
Don't check that got on his plane without incident. Don't right after
for saving Obamacare. Don't check that. What if we're allowed
to stand up here and lie? Then I would like to say I actually was in Tiananmen Square.
And you know what? There's 10s on the clock here, and I
got to get some points on the board here, so I'm just going to chuck
a Hail Mary. Senator, will you admit that Donald Trump lost the election?
You know, Tim, I'm focused on the future. It's good.
Honey, we did it. We got the sound bites. What are the pollsters saying?
Well, this is a huge victory. It made no difference. Right? Hey, Kel.
Let me get it. Let me get a little bit of a pep talk.
Here's the deal. I'm being serious right now. Come on.
Look at me. Right now. It's about the president.
Pardon me. The vice president doesn't matter.
Well, I mean, who the hell knows who the hell who? That was Obama's V.P..
Nobody knows. That was you? That was you.
You're gonna make a great crowd. When you're gonna be my turn. Biden 2028.
And one more thing. Live From New York it| Saturday Night!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- COLDPLAY. AND YOUR HOST, NATE BARGATZE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NATE BARGATZE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
to Saturday Night Live.
It's crazy. Crazy. I, you know, from Nashville,
went to, look at us. Yeah, we had a big day today.
I went to community college,
and it's a big deal.
Is can be a college. A lot of peoplelege.
When they're like,
staying in your community. So we're going to show you
the ropes around town.
just a lay of the land.
I took all remedial classes. I was there one year. Zero credits.
I was there the whole time. It's not good. I took speech as a class
in college. I drove there with my friends
math or something.al classes
what a class is called because I was like,led
a different part of the campus.
and our teachers rotate. How about you guys?
drunk too.
I don't like with speech. Like, help me out.
oh, like oil. I don't even know how to.
Oh, I will oil, motor oil. Oh, fix that. Southern comedian college.
It should be mandatory. Did they fix that issue? Right? Oh, I l on the board.
oh, I go, all right, we'll take care of that.
All right. There's a pretty good chance you're going to beood chance
working with a lot of that.
I just had it where I said it. I was eating, pizza.
extra virgin olive oil on it. So I in my head,ve oil on it.
I read it like this. I was like, well, I don't know if I want
if I want any of it.il.
I don't want, you know, so I go, but it was my turnknow, so I go,
amount of virgin olive oil.
what to say to that.
I know to make fun of it
amount of virgin olive oil?
why they're forcing extra on us.
I'm sorry. It's. I don't know a lot about food. All right.
First time I had a raspberry. 40 years old. 40 years old.
First time I had raspberry. I said it at the port. I was like, what is this?
And they go the bowl. That's. That's how much they figured.
clearly knows what raspberry is. It makes more sense for himy is.
not to know what a bowl is.
raspberries growing up.
I don't come from money. All right?
I still swim with my eyes open.
I love I love processed food. You know I love it.
and I'm. I always have been. You know,
is what's going to kill me.
I don't know who I think I am. I order, I look at it at night
like it's tinder. Just scrolling through, seeing these opened,gh,
I have when I order it.
bring me a blizzard now.there.
I want it right now. Lay it quietly on my porch. Don't let anybody in this house
know I'm doing this. Cause
three grand for this blizzard. All right. All right,
I'll pay. I'll pay it. I ordered it one night. So I get I like McDonald's,
with no onions and McDonald's. They do have a McFlurry.
one size. I don't care for that.
and I double dashed it. So if you don't know,t.
just keep peppering the guy,
what else is open around you? You know, maybe go see if they
got nerds in the gas station. So I so I ordered it, but for some reason,
it's going to be the same guy, but they put it in two different
drivers, so they separate it. Now I'm like, watching the GPS,
to come at the same time. Like, it's the same time.
one of them to get in a wreck..
It happens. I mean, I see them both.
at the same time. I'm mortified.
it off. Dairyf.
Queen has to let them back out.
He was just in the corner, like I was havinge corner,
just now.ion done in.
Go ahead.
I figured, you know what?
from two separate drivers, and that way, I'm in control
and then there was close order.
Sonic. Sonic blast. And then Sonic. The thing was like, do you want
I guess if it's easier,
stuff, it's easier for Sonic. So I ordered two full meals.
drops it off of my front door. Take a picture of my door. My.
picked out of a lineup
800 pictures of my front door.
I get a picture of the Sonic. It's at a door. I do not know. So I had a moment of just like,
do I go? Do I go find it? Do I go get it? And I did.
in my neighborhood.own.
I was on every ring doorbell. Just like a raccoon. Just looking for the food.
tonight.t.
We will be right back.
I wonder how many
British troops await us on the other shore.
Must be thousands.
Is there any chance we will win this war?
Of course.
The general Washington
We apologize
No need.
I am fearful as well.
But we will live to the battle ahead
because we fight to control our own destiny,
to create our own nation.
Well.
And to do our own thing
with the English language.
Our own things? Yes.
I dream that one day our great nation
will have a word for the number 12.
We shall call it a dozen.
And what other numbers?
But we have a word for
none.
Only 12 shall have its own word,
because we are free men.
And we will be free to spell some words two different ways.
Which word? Sir.
Donut.
In the name.
Jeff.
What are the two ways to spell Jeff, sir?
It's the short way with the J and the stupid way
with the G.
And this is why we fight men.
To extend these liberties to all Americans,
including men of color like myself.
Well, we also have.
Two names for animals.
One when they are alive and a different one
when they become food.
So cows will be beef.
Pigs will be pork
and chicken, sir.
That one stays.
Like chickens or chicken.
And we will create our own foods and name them what we want.
Like the hamburger made of ham
If only that simple.
A hamburger is made of beef
just as the buffalo wing is made of chicken.
But fear not.
Myth.
A hot dog will not be made of dogs.
What is it made of, sir?
Nobody knows.
Sir. Shouldn't
we know what's in a hot dog?
You know.
Sorry.
Get out of the boat!
Just go over the side. Yes.
Go! Oh!
A real American
would never want to know what's in a hot dog.
Just as they will never know why.
Our money is called the dollar.
The dollar, sir. Yeah.
And if you think I'm worthy,
put my portrait on the front of it.
And what shall be on the back, sir?
Everything.
All of it.
Crazy stuff.
Squiggles. Latin words.
Pyramid with a floating eye on top of the
general.
I confess I'm very confused.
There seems to be no rhyme or reason to much of this.
Do not worry, soldier.
For an hour. Great nation.
We will create schools to teach our children our ways.
The first year of school will be called kindergarten.
And when will the second year be called?
First grade.
There will be 12 grades in all.
So a dozen grades.
That's no.
We don't use it that way.
But the children.
The children will not have to go to school every day.
We will have our own holidays.
4th of July, flag day and Presidents Day.
And what shall we do
to honor our leaders on Presidents Day, sir?
Buy a mattress.
Of course.
These are my dreams for our nation, men.
We fight this war
to free the English language and free the American people.
All the American people.
Sir, do you mean the slaves
will be freed after this war?
After a war?
A war?
But is this war right?
>>> WELCOME BACK TO THE OAK MONDAY CLASSIC.
IT'S DAY TWO OF THIS THREE-DAY WHICH A IRTY TOURNAMENT, AND THERE'S BEEN SOME SURPRISES.
>> LOT LEAST OF WHICH IS BRADY KNOLL GETTING READY TO TEE OFF RIGHT NOW.
>> THIS IS HIS FIRST MAJOR TOURNAMENT. AFTER YESTERDAY'S PLAY, HE'S
ONLY FOUR STROKES BEHIND LEADER TOBY DOYLE. >> HERE'S THE DRIVE.
>> OH! OH, MY GOD. AMY, I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT
HAPPEN. IT JUST EXPLODED. >> IS IT OKAY?
>> HIS CADDY, RILEY MONTES DOING THE DECENT THING AND COVERING WHAT'S LEFT OF THE BIRD THERE.
>> LET'S GO WHERE TOBY DOYLE IS PUTTING FOR PAR. OOH.
>> MISSES IT. >> MEANWHILE, THE OFFICIALS HAVE GIVEN DOYLE A MULL BEGAN.
>> NO BIRDS, ALL CLEAR. LINES UP HIS SHOT. SLICING INTO SOME TREES, AND --
OH NO. HE HIT A NEST THAT TIME. >> OBVIOUSLY, I DID NOT DO THAT
ON PURPOSE. I DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT ON PURPOSE.
>> SEEMS LIKE -- OH, NO, IT WAS A BALD EAGLE'S NEST. >> FEDERAL WILD LIFE GETTING
INVOLVED NOW AS KILLING A BALD EAGLE IS A CRIME. >> LOOKS LIKE THE POLICE ARE
LETTING HIM GO FOR NOW. >> SOME OF THE ARMED FORCES IN ATTENDANCE TURNING THEIR BACKS
ON HIM. WE'LL CHECK IN WITH DOYLE. >> ANOTHER MISS.
DIFFICULT LIE HERE. >> VERY HARD TO SEE THE BALL IN ALL THAT DEBRIS.
KNOLL SWINGS. OOH. >> WHAT WAS THAT, DUDE?
WHAT WAS THAT? IS THAT AN EGG? >> I THINK THAT MAY HAVE BEEN
ONE OF THE EAGLE'S EGGS. HE'S FOUND HIS ACTUAL BALL NOW. LINING UP HIS SHOT.
>> OH, GOD, THE EAGLE'S BACK. THAT STARTLED ME. >> BAD SHOT THERE.
HE IS FRUSTRATED, AND HE'S THROWING HIS CLUB. >> OH, NO.
I HOPE THAT'S NOT FAIRWAY FRED. OF COURSE THE FAMOUS SNAPPING TURTLE THAT HAS BEEN A FIXTURE
OF THIS COURSE SINCE 1971. >> I'M AFRAID IT IS FAIRWAY FRED.
>> A TOUR OFFICIAL APPROACHING NOW. >> IT SEEMS NIKE HAS ASKED TO
COVER THEIR LOGO. AND OVER ON THE SIXTH SCREEN, DOYLE'S THIRD ATTEMPT.
AND HE MAKES IT. >> NICE SHOT. BACK TO KNOLL.
450 YARDS TO THE GREEN. OH, WOW. RIGHT ON TARGET.
HE'S ON THE GREEN, AND -- OH, MY GOD. IT'S IN THE HOLE.
>> THAT MIGHT BE THE GREATEST SHOT I'VE EVER SEEN ON THIS COURSE.
ALL IS FORGIVEN AS KNOLL GETS HIS BALL. >> OH!
>> OH, MY GOD! >> OH, MY GOD! THAT CHIPMUNK.
>> BAD START TO THE SECOND DAY OF PLAY FOR KNOLL HERE AT THE OAKMONT CLASSIC.
BACK AFTER THIS.
Estas viendo Unavisión y ahora.
Una presentación especial de Sabana Gigante.
Damas y caballeros.
Don Francisco
Tenemos muchos premios.
Por Sabana Gigante.
María, Linda.
Sofía. Bella.
Estefanía.
Tienes que ser mi esposa.
Buenas noches, Público.
Si quieren ganar dinero y premios, digan.
Ay, sí.
¡Sí! ¡Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja!
Wow, qué lindo que una noche.
Muy bien, gracias, mis niños.
Ahora,
nuestro primer concursante en silla 434
se llama Joshua Roller.
¿Dónde está Joshua?
Me?
Se llama. Oh.
No gracias
I'm gonna. leave
Sin miedo.
20. Joshua.
No pasa nada. Sin miedo.
Va a ser el mayor número de premio.
Nadie sabe lo que va a pasar aquí.
El Sabado Gigante
Bienvenido, Joshua.
I was that guy dressed like Dracula.
Joshua Rodgers.
Estás muy confundido.
¿Qué pasa, calabaza?
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't understand what you're saying.
it is not.
And I think I might be having a panic attack.
Muy bien.
Es un Panic
Attack.
Papá, tengo mucho Anxiety
Hey, babe, can you come pick me up?
I, I think I'm on television.
Excuse me.
What channel is this on a channel?
On Channel.
Bueno, eso depende,
porque si estás en cable, es diferente en cada estado.
En Miami es 23.
Pero si tienes DirecTV, puede ser 64.
He doesn't know.
Bueno, yo te presento los números.
All right. Numero. See?
Sí, sí, los números.
Y detrás de cada número hay sorpresas y dinero.
Dame, por favor, un número.
Numero. About Cinco.
Okay.
Muéstrame el cinco.
Oh, no.
Es el chacal.
Who is el chacal?
¿Te gusta?
What was that?
Ese es el chacal.
Okay.
Ahora otro número a uno.
All right. Uno.
Oh, es Million Dollar.
Pregunta dos.
$1 million.
Joshua
¿Cuánto es la naranja?
What?
¿Cuánto es la naranja?
How much is the orange?
Mmm. ¿Cuánto es la naranja?
Now I heard him.
¡Rápido, rápido!
Necesitamos Answers.
All right, I don't know three tres tres tres
Díganos, señor Naranja.
Naranja, Tres.
No, naranja
es seis.
¡Oh, Dios!
Ese sonido.
¡Ja, ja, ja, ja!
Wow. What the heck?
What is it?
What is this kid.
Dressed exactly like me?
Este es Josito.
Es tu.
Mini me
Hey, nice to meet you, buddy.
Did. Did y'all dress a little kid like me to make fun of me?
Because I don't speak Spanish.
He can write like that.
You can't bear to get like that
because I ain't no hollaback girl.
Ah, yo no te entiendo.
Yeah.
I got to be honest.
I don't care for that.
¡Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja!
No te preocupes.
Porque ahora vas a cantar.
Canta, canta, canta,
canta, canta, canta.
I'm singing now. Okay.
With. With who?
Con el león, por supuesto.
Can I at least have the lyrics?
Claro que sí.
Aquí tenemos subtítulos.
Animals.
Okay, I think I can handle this.
All right?
And you got. No. Wow.
That's great.
That's
that's very
good.
I got oh, my God, that's cow.
Eres un ganador.
Has ganado.
Ya sé.
Y porque te gustan tanto los animales, tu.
Premio es cinco perros.
Wow. Wow.
Todos tenemos muchos juegos.
Tenemos muchos premios.
Attention Splashers Due to a medical emergency,
delays on Devil Dogs Drop. Thank you for your patience.
I'm calling it time of death. 2:21 p.m..
this is happening. It was fun. Just a minute ago.
It's not your fault. You had to be in his mid 80s. A guy his age should be climbing
if he had a weak heart.
these things just happen. And, you know.
a moment of silence as well..
Yeah, absolutely. All right, let's bow our heads. Okay, good.
bring him down now. Yep. And.
the stairs. Yes.
be the right thing to do. Yeah, it's a lot of stairs.
in the way up here, right? Yes. 255.
Oh 255. Is that really? Wow. Crazy what they have built these
You guys, like, take him away.
I'm kind of freaking out. Oh. Of course. Yeah.
past all these kids, though. You know,
for them. That's a good point, Neal.
right? I just wish
there was some other way to get him down. No, no.
Did you say.ous?
I'm sorry. What are you guys talking about?
down the waterslide. Wait, wait.
You think we should sin and death alongside? That is interesting.
up, she's not wrong. that.
about it.bring it up.
the 255 stairs.
she pitched a waterslide idea.
that's a good idea, Mary. I like that.
in this long line, you know? It seems like you really wanted
to go down. It. It actually seems respectful. Okay. It wasn't my idea.
is this respectful? At the bottom of the slide,
and it takes a picture of you.
the picture.is family think?
Yeah, like 15 bucks anyway. As a total rip off. Okay. But if you do end.
I can hold that for free. My boy Dante,at for free.
he work in the photo hut. Oh, that'd be great. Thank you.
Stop helping. Them. What is wrong with you guys? Okay. All right.
been through a lot today.gether.
is take a breath, relax, and vote on it.
gently down the stairs?
Raise your hand? Yeah. Okay, so one vote for that.
if you want to do her idea and pushant to do her idea
the body down the slide. Yeah. So there's three of us, and then
how many kids have the hand? Oh, well, is it the hands up? It's all the kids.
you won the vote. Congrats.
who lived a life, and you're going to push his
because it's more convenient. Yes, yes.
I want to see how big splash is. Well, don't say that, man.sh is.
if the splash is different.
We all do. But let's not say it. This was a human being. Exactly.
you can't do this. You know what? She's right.
man down the slide. Thank you.he slide.
Somebody's got to go with him. It's a double slide. You needouble slide.
to wait to get through the loop. Oh, shotgun. Okay.
and film it. Oh, okay. Fine.
Oh. All right, all right. All right. Just go ahead and do it.
Arms crossed, legs crossed.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COLDPLAY.
** * WE'VE BEEN THROUGH LOW BEEN THROUGH SUNSHINE
BEEN THROUGH SNOW * * ALL THE COLORS OF THE WEATHER *
* WE'VE BEEN THROUGH HIGH EVERY CORNER OF THE SKY AND STILL WE'RE
HOLDING ON TOGETHER * * YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE WHETHER IT RAINS OR POURS
I'M ALL YOURS * * YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE WHETHER IT RAINS
IT REMAINS YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE * **
* AND 'TIL I DIE LET ME HOLD YOU
IF YOU CRY * * BE MY ONE TWO THREE FOREVER
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE * * WHETHER IT RAINS OR POURS
I'M ALL YOURS * * YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE WHETHER IT RAINS
IT REMAINS YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE * **
* LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAY WHETHER IT RAINS OR POURS
I'M ALL YOURS * * LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAY THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY *
** * YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE OH FOR NOW AND ALWAYS
'TIL THE END OF MY DAYS * * YOU GOT ALL MY LOVE YOU'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
It's Weekend Update
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you very much.
Good evening everyone.
Welcome to weekend that I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost.
Well guys
the election is exactly 30 days away.
Just think, in only 30 days, this whole nightmare
will be nowhere close to over.
Earlier tonight, Donald Trump held a rally at the site of
his first assassination attempt,
which I have to admit is very brave of him.
Though it was interesting that right before Trump spoke,
he sent J.D.
Vance out in a long red tie and a blond wig.
Elon Musk,
seen here trying to jump to Mars,
joined Trump on stage at the rally tonight,
which may be the last time Trump and Musk
will be together until they co-host our Christmas show.
It was reported that last month, the U.S.
added 245,000 new jobs.
Unfortunately, they were all he accuser.
It was announced that Sean P Diddy
Combs, his sex trafficking case,
has been assigned to a new judge,
one that he hopes is cool with rapes
I do it for that guy.
Yeah, sure.
It was reported that Diddy once invited Prince Harry and Prince
William to one of his parties, but they did not go.
Although before
Diddy could even finish writing the invite, Prince Andrew
was there.
Yesterday the devil went down to Georgia.
No. I'm kidding.
Donald Trump traveled to Georgia to survey the damage
from Hurricane Helene, which is bold
because nothing scares Trump more than high winds.
Vice President Kamala Harris traveled to North Carolina
to survey damage from the hurricane,
which is the second time
this year she swooped in after a huge disaster.
New court filings and Donald Trump's election
interference case
reveal that on January
6th, Trump was scrolling through Twitter
during the attack on the Capitol.
Which is just so infuriating to those of us who were there
fighting for him.
It was reported
that Donald Trump has refused to release his medical records.
And I bet I know what he's hiding,
but I'm not allowed dementia. It.
And you may have already forgotten,
but this week was also the vice presidential debate
between Mumford and Dad.
This debate was so white,
it made me look Haitian.
Now the debates are apparently all finished, and I'm upset.
How did we never get to see RFK Jr in a debate?
How were we robbed of that?
I love that RFK Jr admitted he dumped a dead bear
in Central Park.
He'd chainsaw the head off a dead whale, strapped it
to the roof of his car like a Christmas tree.
And he told us a worm was living in his brain,
eating through his head.
And still everyone is like, you know who's weird?
JD Vance.
This week, Representative Marjorie
Taylor Greene tweeted, yes, they can control the weather.
And I don't know who they is, but it has been a suspiciously
nice Rorschach on a weekend.
There's not a lot.
That's right. Two claps.
No claps.
Jokes. It.
Don't fall for that.
That's a first for him.
President Biden made a surprise
appearance at a white House press briefing on Friday.
And it's not a great sign when you're at the white House
and people are like, whoa, what's the president doing here?
In honor of Jimmy Carter's 100th birthday,
more than 4000 children around the country send him
hand-drawn cards bearing messages like, who are you?
And my mom made me do this.
Okay.
Holy cow.
A Republican candidate for Senate in Virginia
criticized drag queens and implied
that they are not tough enough to serve in the military.
Which is sad because Hung Cow is a fantastic drag name.
It was revealed that Daniel Day Lewis
is coming out of his seven year retirement to film a new movie,
and you won't believe it.
It's Shrek six.
Richard Branson has launched
a new free online university for people with dyslexia.
You can check it out at
Dyslexia Calm Dot.
A woman in Italy has set a new world
record for having the world's thickest tongue.
Reached for comment, the woman said thanks to the fact.
Boston's first lesbian bar in decades,
called Danny's Queer Bar, has officially opened its doors.
Well, curtains.
But yeah,
but even if you don't drink,
it's a great place to eat out.
But two and a half.
I'm not. Counting that.
It was reported that a man in Austria who was high on
mushrooms used an ax to amputate his own penis.
Worse than he was, like, oh, another mushroom.
It tells the story.
Anyway, a new study on nightlife has found that 71% of Gen
Z has cut back on going out here with a song on
the magic of a great party is new cast member Jane
Wickline
Hi. Hi, Jane.
Welcome. So, are you a big partier?
Of course. Everyone should be.
Wow. I just I wouldn't have guessed that that was your vibe.
Well, when you stay out late, that's extra time.
And I'm tall, so I'm going to die
pretty young, like a big dog.
And staying out every night is how I extend my life.
I get an extra three or even four years.
Wow. That's great.
Well, I guess, you know, take it away.
Okay.
This song is called Party.
Two in the morning and the party's going strong.
I'm on the floor of all the lights flash, baby.
The overhead light flashes and then stays on.
And then the kitchen light turns on.
T.J. packs up because he knows we don't need music
to dance.
People stack up the chairs.
Good idea.
Make the dance floor bigger
so we can dance. Dance.
The post couple goes upstairs.
They're getting freaky at the function.
Sounds like it might be going to bed.
One thing's for sure.
This party is bumping.
And I think the party's over.
We're going to go all night.
I am asked if I need a ride home.
Hell, no.
Someone plays, I clean up song on the laptop.
The music's back.
I'm the belle of the ball.
I'll dance till dawn I am the plus one.
Of someone who has left.
I am the plus one.
Of someone who has left.
All right.
Thank you so much for that great song.
I intend to keep singing.
Six in the morning.
And it's just the real one left.
And then the second wave of death starts coming.
One says she's a dog walker.
Let's not talk about work at a party than a mailman.
That must be the stripper.
Post couple comes downstairs in the bathroom to making coffee.
No, thanks.
I'm on something stronger than it was for themselves.
Issue me glances.
Don't be shy.
Ask me out.
One of them goes to work.
While you're out, can you grab some Pedialyte
and vodka?
One thing's for sure.
This party is never gonna stop.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I am told the police are on their way.
More strippers from outside.
I hear the it's yellow school bus.
I'll make the next one.
I'll hit the after party. Next.
I am the plus one of someone.
Who has left.
I am the.
Plus one of a plus one.
Someone who doesn't know the host that well, either.
I am the plus one of a plus
two of a plus three in the host landlord
who has left.
I am the plus.
One of someone.
I made up,
Jane Wickline everyone
Weekend update, I'm Colin Jost
And here is the Caesar salad. And here's will be right up.
so I know it's not a fun topic,
we got to talk about dad. Do we have to? It'st dad.
just so hard. His dementia is getting worse. Okay,ementia is getting worse.
we can't just ignore it anymore. Brian's right. The next step in
I know I'm new the next life.
last year with my mom. If you have any questions,
I just want to be here for it.
Thanks, Jane. I mean, it's really sweet. Guys, I think this all feels
a little premature. Dad seems fine. Jen. He doesn't remember my name.
We need attention. Everyone in Smitty's
the Mile High burger challenge.
What? Oh, what is it? What? I hope you'vet is it? What?
95 ounce burger behemoth.
he's one in on jumbo cherry chocolate shake up.
but I just thought this?
it was an ode to Denver. Like there'd be an egg on it. I'm not doing this. I'm sorry.
let me be your silent resource.
in under ten minutes,
for two to Hawaii.
Anyway, spoke to the doctor,
to live alone anymore.ad's
the space to accommodate him.
neither can I.
what about your guest house?
I mean, that's an option. Nine minutes left.
AC in there, though.
Okay, thanks. Hey. Sorry.
So, what are you going to do? The Mile-high challenge. I'm just gonna try.
leaving America.y.
Hawaii is in America.
I doubt that. She's got this.
I've seen her eat. A whole is on you before. Just to cheer me up.
Why would that cheer you up?
All right, look, you guys talk. I remember I'mk, you guys talk.
a silent resource.
Okay, well, back to dad. Why don't we start
to drop in on him
for real? Home.
Excuse me. What? Put him in a home at the sight.
Out of mind.
Well, with all due respect, Janey, we can't just
put him in a home, okay?
But dad told me after mom died. I'm sorry.ld me after mom died.
Chestnut style.ys doing?
Oh. Figure.
No, I got a question.
M-my mozzarella sticks. Still coming?
Yeah. Oh my God. By the way,
do you think there's a variant? I doubt not. Do you think the cheeseburger
and milkshake have dairy in it?
Five minutes remaining. You know what that means.
anymore.
Oh. Guys,
look.
Dad's. Dad!
bones are getting more brittle
by the day.
We need to get him a nurse.
going to object
to having a cute nurse around?
No, that is. True,
honey. It's always. You know what?
you're using your hands, Janey.
I am so, so full from that lasagna this morning.
The lasagna was this morning.
Okay, Nick. Janey,Nick.
the whole burger challenge feels really disrespectful. Just spiteful.
Oh my God. Oh! Oh my God. Oh, my.
No! Look. Oh, look. Look at me.
Look at me and listen to me. Because I've been where you are.
Where you are. Okay.
Take a peek at that wall. No.
I'm. That's right. The old man completed
but dad never gave up.hallenge.
figured the best way to honor
never give up on him, either.er
So what do you say? Am I finishing in time?
>>> ONCE AGAIN, COLDPLAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* WHOA * ** * GO *
** ** * OOOOOOH
I PRAY THAT I DON'T
GIVE UP * * PRAY THAT I DO MY BEST PRAY THAT I CAN LIFT UP
PRAY MY BROTHER IS BLESSED PRAYING FOR ENOUGH * * PRAY VIRGILIO WINS
PRAY I JUDGE NOBODY AND FORGIVE ME MY SINS I PRAY WE MAKE IT *
* PRAY MY FRIEND WILL PULL THROUGH PRAY AS I TAKE IT
UNTO OTHERS I DO * * PRAYING ON YOUR LOVE WE PRAY WITH EVERY BREATH
THOUGH I'M IN THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH * * AND SO WE PRAY
FOR SOMEONE TO COME AND SHOW ME THE WAY AND SO WE PRAY *
* FOR SOME SHELTER AND SOME RECORDS TO PLAY AND SO WE PRAY *
* AND WE'LL BE SINGING BARAYE PRAY THAT WE MAKE IT
TO THE END OF THE DAY * * AND SO WE PRAY I KNOW SOMEWHERE
THAT HEAVEN IS WAITING AND SO WE PRAY * * I KNOW SOMEWHERE
THERE'S SOMETHING AMAZING AND SO WE PRAY * * I KNOW SOMEWHERE
WE'LL FEEL NO PAIN UNTIL WE MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE DAY *
[ SINGING IN GLOBAL LANGUAGE ] ** [ SINGING IN GLOBAL LANGUAGE ]
* AND SO WE PRAY FOR SOMEONE TO COME AND SHOW ME THE WAY *
* AND SO WE PRAY FOR SOME SHELTER AND SOME RECORDS TO PLAY *
* AND SO WE PRAY AND WE'LL BE SINGING BARAYE *
* PRAY THAT WE MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE DAY * * AND SO WE PRAY
I KNOW SOMEWHERE THAT HEAVEN IS WAITING * * AND SO WE PRAY
I KNOW SOMEWHERE THERE'S SOMETHING AMAZING * * AND SO WE PRAY
I KNOW SOMEWHERE WE'LL FEEL NO PAIN * * UNTIL WE MAKE IT
TO THE END OF THE DAY * * ON MY KNEES I PRAY AS I SLEEP AND WAKE
'CAUSE INSIDE MY HEAD IS A FRIGHTENING PLACE * * KEEP A SMILING FACE
ONLY BY HIS GRACE CAUSE LOVE'S MORE THAN I CAN TAKE *
* AND SO WE PRAY AND SO WE PRAY AND SO WE PRAY
AND SO WE PRAY * * WE'LL BE SINGING BARAYE ‘TIL NOBODY'S IN NEED
AND EVERYBODY CAN SAY * * LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA
LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA * * WE PRAY
WE PRAY I KNOW SOMEWHERE THAT HEAVEN IS WAITING *
* I KNOW SOMEWHERE THERE'S SOMETHING AMAZING AND WE'LL BE SINGING
BARAYE * * WE PRAY WE PRAY
WE PRAY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> DORINE, WE'RE READY FOR THE NEXT PRESENTATION.
>> GENTLEMAN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US TODAY?
>> THIS. [ SLAMMING GROUND ] **
* SUSHI GLORYHOLE IMAGINE THAT * * SUSHI GLORYHOLE
IMAGINE THAT * * INSTEAD OF STRANGE [ BLEEP ]
YOU BE GETTING A SNACK A SNACK * * HIGH END FISH
NO DOUBT * * HEY WHERE YOU GOING HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT
HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT * * HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT
HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT HEY WHERE YOU GOING HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT *
* HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT * * SUSHI GLORYHOLE
MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE NOT TO DO IT * * FISH THROUGH A HOLE
YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' TO IT * * AND THERE IS NO SCENARIO
WHERE SHE WOULDN'T WANT IT * * SO DROP TO YOUR KNEES OPEN WIDE AND GET READY
FOR SOME RICE WITH FISH ON IT * * RICE WITH FISH ON IT
HEAR US OUT * * YOU GOT NOTHING TO FEAR SUSHI GLORYHOLE
IS A GOOD IDEA-R AND IT'S NOT WEIRD * * SO HEAR US OUT
WHILE WE TELL YOU WHAT THE CONCEPT'S ALL ABOUT *
* IT'S SUSHI BEING FED THROUGH A HOLE IN THE WALL WHERE YOU GOING
WHERE YOU GOING * * HEAR US OUT YOU FORGOT TO EAT
NOW YOU'RE OUT AND ABOUT BUT YOU WANNA BE DISCREET * * CAN'T BE EATING OMAKASE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET NO NO *
* THEN YOU OPEN THE APP SGH IS ALL OVER THE MAP * * SO YOU HEAD TO A CLUB
HIT THE BATHROOM STALL FIND A SUSHI-SIZED HOLE IN THE BATHROOM WALL *
* THEN MAKE A WISH AND PREPARE FOR SOME SHOCKINGLY HIGH-GRADE FISH *
* WHERE YOU GOIN' COME BACK COME BACK COME BACK COME BACK
COME BACK COME BACK * * HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT HEAR US OUT
HEAR US OUT * * YOU KNOW I'M FOOLIN'
WITH YOUSE AND WHAT YOU WOULD USUALLY DO TO IT *
* IF YOU GOT FUND APPROVAL YOU'RE WHO WE'RE TRYIN' TO GET THROUGH TO
AY * * AND NO GIMMICKY ROLES JUST STRICTLY NIGIRI
COMING OUT OF THE HOLES * * AND NO SUBSTITUTION TO OUR SPECIAL REQUESTS
AND NO [ BLEEP ] AND NO SEX * * THAT'S TWO STALLS OVER
SO YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU COME IN SOBER *
* 'CAUSE NONE OF THEM ARE LABELED * * AND FULL DISCLOSURE
THERE'S A CHANCE YOU'RE GONNA GET A [ BLEEP ] *
* BUT IT'S WORTH IT 'CAUSE THE QUALITY OF FISH * * YEAH
THE FLAVOR THAT YOU GAIN OUTWEIGHS THE RISK * * DON'T LEAVE DON'T LEAVE
DON'T LEAVE DON'T LEAVE WHERE YOU GOING COME BACK *
* HEAR US OUT DON'T LEAVE * * AT A SEX CLUB
WHEN YOU NEED STAMINA FOR SEX BUT FORGOT TO EAT *
* BACK SOON SUSHI GLORYHOLE AT A SUSHI RESTAURANT *
* WHERE YOU DON'T LIKE THE FOOD IN THE BACK *
* OF THE BATHROOM SUSHI GLORYHOLE
DON'T LEAVE *
God, that was terrible. We're getting our asses
can't catch a single pass.
Would you say Daniels? We're talking citrus down now. What's going on, fellas?
there? Coach, they got a block. I don't want to hear it. block.
you just don't get it, do you?
This ain't about you. It's not. It's about the team.
to win at all costs. If we don't have that,
we don't have nothing. And if we don't have nothing, how the hell are we going to win
you got anything to.
listen to what he said.
some of you still owe me $20 for the jerseys.
about when we go back out there?
go talk to your mom and dad. Tell em Coach Allen still needs
the $20 for the jerseys. Coach. Okay.
eight weeks into the season. Every game matters now.
Eight weeks. Eight weeks.
that got me the $20 budget. It's not going to go away.
I wrote it down. So head coach. Okay,
than I likewe go.
another time.t halftime,
Guys, this is the problem. We got no focus. We don't want it
state this year, right now,
needs to check yourself. Yeah. Speaking of checks.
on how to fill one out properly.
with a check, you got to make it out to Allen
Allen.was c h.
my account. Is it Coach Allen?
It's Allen Walsh, WRAL s c h. There's a C in there.
All right, all right. Thank you.
who's willing to step up.
I am coach. Thank you.
for Coach Daniels right here.
B to coach?
the jerseys right now. Hey, coach.
What's your Venmo? I don't know. I mean, I don't know what
and we ask our parents
for a check for the jerseys. Who's with me? Yeah. Wow.
>>> THANKS TO COLDPLAY, MAYA RUDOLPH, ANDY SAMBERG, JIM
GAFFIGAN. YOU WERE AWESOME. VANDERBILT BEAT ALABAMA.
THANK YOU, WE LOVE YOU.