>>> GOOD EVENING, I'M KAITLAIN COLLINS. DESPITE REPEATED OFFERS FROM THE
HARRIS CAMPAIGN, DONALD TRUMP
HAS REFUSED TO APPEAR IN ANOTHER
CAMPAIGN SAYING, QUOTE, IT'S NOT
BECAUSE I'M SCARED.
HOWEVER, THERE WAS ONE FORMAT IN
WHICH PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS
WILLING TO FACE OFF AGAINST
HARRIS.
WE TAKE YOU LIVE TO THAT NOW.
>> IT'S TIME FOR FAMILY FEUD
ELECTION SHOWDOWN.
HERE'S YOUR HOST, STEVE HARVEY!
>> OKAY NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
WELCOME TO FAMILY FEUD, ELECTION
EDITION.
I AM STEVE HARVEY, AND I HAVE
SPENT THE PAST 20 YEARS HOSTING
EVERY SHOW ON TV AS MY ALIBI FOR
THOSE DIDDY PARTIES.
TONIGHT, ON THIS SIDE, IT'S THE
DEMOCRATS LED BY VICE-PRESIDENT
KAMALA HARRIS.
>> OH, IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE
HERE, STEVE.
I LOVE TO SEE A MAN GETTING PAID
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF HIS BLACK
JOB.
>> AND I LIKE TO SAY A BLACK
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE BEEN OUT THERE THIS
WEEK.
I SAW YOU ON STEVEN COLBERT.
>> IT'S BEEN A HELL OF A WEEK.
WENT ON HOWARD STERN, WENT ON
THE VIEW FOR THE HORNY MOMS AND
I WENT ON THE PODCAST BECAUSE I
HAVE A MESSAGE FOR WOMEN.
YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BALLOT BOX
IF YOU WANT TO GOVERNMENT OUT
YOUR BALLOT BOX.
>> OKAY.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID.
>> AND IT'S WORKING.
MY CAMPAIGN HAS RAISED A BILLION
DOLLARS.
>> OH, MY LORD.
HOW ARE YOU NOT WINNING BY A
LAND SLIDE?
>>.
[ LAUGHTER ]
.
THAT'S A QUESTION I SCREAM INTO
MY PILLOW EVERY MORNING.
>> OKAY.
NEXT ON TEAM HARRIS IS THE
SECOND GENTLEMEN HIMSELF,
MR. DOUG.
>> YES.
HELLO.
HI.
TIS I, DOUG.
AKA, DOUG THE SHRUG.
AKA, IF MR. BELDING FROM SAVED
BY THE BELL HAD SEX WITH A
MINORA.
>> NEXT IS GOVERNOR OF
MINNESOTA, TIM WALZ.
>> GREAT TO BE ON THE FEUD.
I'M SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOUR
STANDUP, CEDRIC.
>> TIM, WHEN BLACK COMEDIANS
TALK ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE, THEY
TALK ABOUT YOU.
>> I DO BE LIKE THAT.
>> YEAH, YOU DO.
FINALLY ON THE DEMOCRAT SIDE IS
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
>> FOLKS, FOLKS, THANK YOU,
REGIS.
GREAT TO BE HERE ON THE FEUD.
DUDE.
ANYWAY, AND GUESS WHAT AND BY
THE WAY.
THE SHOW'S GREAT.
I'M BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
>> WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I GOT TO SAY, YOU LOOKING PRETTY
GOOD.
>> YEAH.
BECAUSE I'M GETTING MY REST.
NUMBER ONE, I SLEEP WHEN I CAN.
NUMBER TWO, I'M ASLEEP RIGHT
NOW.
>> ALL RIGHT THEN.
LET'S MEET THE REPUBLICANS.
ON THE TOP OF THE TICKET, WE GOT
A MAN WHO EVICTED ME FROM MY
APARTMENT IN 1982, PRESIDENT
DONALD TRUMP.
>> YES, THANK YOU, STEVE.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE ON FEUD
GOING AGAINST SCABALA.
>> DONALD, I GOT TO SAY I
RESPECT YOU BECAUSE WE BOTH WEAR
LONG TIES, YEAH, NECK TO NUTS.
LET'S MOVE ON TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S LOVELY WIFE MELANIA.
OH, SHE AIN'T HERE.
>> I COULD HAVE SWORN SHE WAS
STANDING RIGHT BESIDE ME ABOUT
TWO YEARS AGO.
IN HER PLACE, I BROUGHT A
BELOVED MEMBER OF THE FAMILY AND
ALSO DON JR.
>> HILARIOUS, DAD.
HEY, HOW ABOUT ME AND J.D. HERE,
HUH?
WE COULD BE TWINS.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE MY DAD PICKED
ME TO BE HIS VICE-PRESIDENT.
BUT HE DIDN'T.
HE DIDN'T.
>> AND STEVE, CAN I JUST SAY,
IT'S SO REFRESHING TO BE ON A
SHOW THAT CELEBRATES FAMILIES,
UNLIKE THE DEMOCRATS WHO TURNED
OUR HERO THE JOKER INTO A GAY
GUY THAT'S OBSESSED WITH LADY
GAGA.
>> OKAY.
GIVE ME KAMALA AND TRUMP.
>> I'M TELLING YOU, STEVE, SHE'S
GOING TO BE HORRIBLE AT THIS
GAME.
SHE'S A VERY LOW IQ PERSON.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT
HER BECAUSE THEY DON'T RESPECT
LIKE THEY RESPECTED ME. >> DONALD TRUMP LIKES DICTATORS
BECAUSE ANYONE CAN MANIPULATE
HIM THROUGH FLATTERY.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> OKAY.
YOU LOOK HANDSOME TONIGHT.
>> SHE'S GOT MY VOTE.
>> TOP SIX ANSWERS ON THE BOARD.
NAME SOMETHING YOU KEEP IN YOUR
GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
>> I WAS RAISED IN A MIDDLE
CLASS FAMILY.
MY MOTHER RAISED MY SISTER AND
ME.
SHE WORKED HARD AND SAVED UP,
AND WE HAD A SECOND MOTHER TOO.
>> OKAY.
DID THAT MOTHER HAVE A GLOVE
COMPARTMENT.
>> A SMALL BUSINESS OWNER NAMED
MS. SHELTON.
>> OKAY.
WE GOT THAT.
SOMETHING THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR
GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
>> OH, A GLOCK, STEVE.
A BIG OLE GLOCK.
>> OKAY.
SO YOU STRAPPED LIKE THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
SHOW ME THE BLIP BLACK BLICKY.
ALL RIGHT.
NUMBER TWO ANSWER, THE DEMOCRATS
IS CONTROLLING THE BOARD.
LET'S GO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
DOUG, NAME SOMETHING THAT YOU
KEEP IN YOUR GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
>> WOW.
I CAN'T TOP THAT.
IT WAS SO PERFECT.
I'LL GO WITH THE SAME ANSWER,
STEVE, A GLOCK.
>> OKAY.
YOU WANT TO GIVE THE SAME
ANSWER?
SEEM LIKE A BAD STRATEGY, BUT
SHOW ME ANOTHER BLIP BLACK
BLICKY.
OH.
THAT'S CRAZY.
A SECOND GUN.
THAT'S THE NUMBER ONE ANSWER.
DAMN, AMERICA.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO OVER TO TIM WALZ.
SOMETHING THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR
GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
>> THIS IS RIGHT IN MY WHEEL
HOUSE.
I GOT HOT HANDS, NAPKINS, AND
GOT TO HAVE TUMS IN CASE I EAT
SOMETHING SPICY LIKE TOMATO.
>> IF YOU SAY SO.
SORRY IT'S NOT UP THERE.
LET'S GO TO PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
SOMETHING YOU KEEP IN YOUR GLOVE
BOX.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL.
>> THAT'S THE WRONG GAME,
PLAYER.
>> COME ON, CONAN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S ME.
I'M STILL THE PRESIDENT.
I'M JOE.
I MAY BE OLDER BUT I'LL BEAT THE
HELL OUT OF YOU.
I'LL GIVE YOU A KNUCKLE
SANDWICH.
I KNOW HOW TO MAKE KNUCKLE
SANDWICHES.
I'M NOT THE OLD ONE NOW.
TRUMP IS.
ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I KNOW WHEN
THE WALK AWAY.
ONLY ABOUT SIX MONTHS TOO LATE.
>> OKAY.
SHOW ME WHATEVER THAT WAS.
THAT WAS AN ANSWER SO BAD, THEY
GAVE YOU A DOUBLE X.
REPUBLICANS, YOU GOT A CHANCE TO
STEAL.
SOMETHING YOU KEEP IN YOUR GLOVE
BOX.
>> I'VE BEEN TOLD NOT TO SPEAK.
>> SAME HERE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHAT YOU GOT?
>> WELL, STEVE, I'VE NEVER
RIDDEN IN FRONT SEAT OF CARS, SO
THIS QUESTION IS VERY UNFAIR.
I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I LIKE TO
CALL THE WEAVE.
I SAY LOTS OF THINGS, BUT IT ALL
COMES TOGETHER BEAUTIFULLY LIKE
SEINFELD.
THEY'RE EATING MUDANG AND THE
PETS.
WE ARE GETTING OUR ASSES KICKED.
LOOK AT KOREA, JAPAN, AMERICA'S
NOT EVEN INCLUDED.
THERE'S NO ROOM.
IT'S LIKE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
>> I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID.
SHOW ME DEMENTIA.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE THE DEMOCRATS
WIN, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST -- STEVIE NICKS. AND YOUR HOST, ARIANA GRANDE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARIANA
GRANDE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HOSTING
SNL.
THIS YEAR HAS BEEN TRULY
AMAZING.
I GOT TO PLAY IN THE WICKED
MOVIE.
WHICH IS AWESOME.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M SUCH A
THEATER KID, AND IT'S EVERY
KID'S DREAM TO EITHER PLAY THAT.
IT'S EVERY THEATER'S KID TO LOSE
THEIR VIRGINITY, BUT THEIR
SECOND DREAM IS OF COURSE TO BE
IN WICKED.
IT'S SO AMAZING TO BE HERE.
THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN
2016, AND WE WERE RIGHT ON THE
VERGE OF ELECTING OUR FIRST
FEMALE PRESIDENT, SO I GUESS
SECOND TIME'S A CHARM.
BUT BEFORE I START, I WANT TO
MAKE ONE THING CLEAR TONIGHT.
I AM JUST HOSTING.
I'M -- NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE
THIS ABOUT ME.
I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE FUN, TAKE
IT EASY, AND, YEAH, JUST GOING
TO KEEP IT LOW KEY.
WHAT'S THIS?
¶ I'M GONNA KEEP IT LOW KEY
TONIGHT, PROMISE I'M NOT GONNA
SING ¶
¶ I'M NOT GONNA SING MY FAVORITE
NOTES, NOT C, D, B, A, OR G ¶
¶ I'M NOT GONNA DO MY
IMPRESSIONS, NO BRITNEY SPEARS
TODAY, IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I'LL
SAY THE SAME THING ¶
¶ NO, BABY, BABY, I'M NOT GONNA
DO MILEY CYRUS, BECAUSE BABY,
THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK, I'M NOT
GONNA DO GWEN STEFANI BECAUSE
DON'T THINK ¶
¶ I PROMISE I'M NOT SINGING ANY
ANY IMPRESSIONS, I WON'T SING
BECAUSE IT HURTS ¶
¶ I'M NOT GONNA WINK AT MY
CAMERA, I PROMISE I WON'T DO A
LIFT -- THANK YOU SO MUCH ¶
¶ AND I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT
WICKED, BECAUSE TONIGHT I DON'T
GIVE A -- BOWEN, DIDN'T ANYBODY
TELL YOU?
WE CUT THE WICKED SKETCH.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ANYWAY.
>> GREAT.
AND THIS ISN'T A WAND.
IT'S A FLASK
¶ SO KEEP THE PIANO FAR AWAY
FROM ME BECAUSE THE LAST THING
I'M GOING TO DO IS PLAY THE
KEY ¶
¶ I'M NOT GONNA DO A DUE WET
TONIGHT, SO PLEASE DON'T BRING
OUT STEVIE NICKS, AND THE LAST
THING I'M GOING TO DO ¶
¶ IS BRING OUT SOME HOT DANCERS
TO DO SOME INSANELY HIGH KICKS,
I'M ACTUALLY REALLY SHY, NO MORE
TRICKS, NO LOCAL FLIPS ¶
¶ CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M DONE,
SO EITHER WAY, THIS MUCH IS
CLEAR, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
DIVA, DON'T LOOK OVER HERE ¶
¶ BECAUSE TONIGHT, I'M KEEPING
IT LOW KEY ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
>>> YEAH, SO MATTHEW, I'LL FINISH WITH THIS, IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO BE YOUR BEST MAN,
BUT IT'S EVEN MORE OF A
PRIVILEGE EDGE TO BE YOUR BEST
FRIEND.
I LOVE YOU, BRO.
THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BEST MAN.
BUT WE DID SAY NO BORING
SPEECHES.
NO SHADE.
ANYWAY, TURNING THE ATTENTION TO
MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER, THE BRIDE,
KELSEY.
>> SAME MOM, DIFFERENT DAD.
LOVE YOU, GIRL.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE UP HER
BRIDESMAIDS.
>> SO INSTEAD OF A SPEECH, WE'RE
GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
FOR Y'ALL BECAUSE WE'RE A LITTLE
BIT CREATIVE AND A LITTLE
QUIRKY.
>> AND WE KNOW WE'RE NOT MATT'S
FAVORITE BECAUSE EVERY TIME
SHE'S WITH US, SHE LOW KEY
BLACKS OUT.
>> NO, COME ON.
I LOVE Y'ALL.
>> SEE.
SHE LOVES HER ESPRESSO MARTINIS.
SO WE WROTE A SPECIAL SONG ABOUT
OUR BACHELORETTE TRIP.
>> THEY SAY WHAT HAPPENS IN
VEGAS SAYS IN VEGAS.
>> BUT WE DIDN'T GO TO VEGAS.
WE WENT TO CHARLESTON.
HIT IT
¶ THE BRIDESMAIDS WANTED A
CELEBRATION, SO WE TOOK A TRIP,
BACHELORETTE VACATION ¶
¶ BECAUSE WE KNOW SHE NEEDS ONE,
A BREAK FROM MATTHEW, JUST
KIDDING, MATT, WE'RE GLAD SHE
HAS YOU ¶
¶ WE'RE OUT, THE SHOTS ARE
FLOWING, YEAH, GUYS ON THE DANCE
FLOOR GROOV GROOVING YEAH ¶
¶ NOW SHE'S WITH A HOT GUY, BUT
HE LOOKS GAY, SECOND LOCATION,
MAYBE HE'S BI ¶
>>.
¶ FULLY STRAIGHT, FULLY TOUCHING
DOMINGO, I CAN'T WAIT TO BE HIS
WIFE, SHE'S POINTING TO
DOMINGO ¶
>> QUICK QUESTION, WHO'S
DOMINGO.
>> JUST THIS RANDOM GUY WE MET.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM.
>> I'M POSITIVE YOU DID NOT.
¶ IN THE BATHROOM, WE TAKE HER
OUTSIDE.
SHE SAY DON'T WORRY, WE WON'T
CROSS THE LINE ¶
¶ THINK OF YOUR FIANCE, SHE SAYS
GOOD REMINDER, HANDS ME HER
RING, THEN WE CAN'T FIND HER ¶
>> YOU TOOK OFF YOUR RING?
IS THIS TRUE?
?
I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE IT IN
THE HOT TUB.
>> WHAT HOT TUB?
¶ NOW WE'RE BACK IN THE HOUSE IN
THE HOT TUB, SHE'S THERE WITH
DOMINGO, ASKED HIM TO LEAVE, GET
A HOTEL, SHE'S VIBING WITH
DOMINGO ¶
>> YOU ASKED THEM TO LEAVE AND
GET A HOTEL?
>> YOU'RE MISSING IT.
¶ AT THE MARRIOTT, GOOGLING
DOMINGO, JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S
NOT PSYCHO, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY A
DOCTOR AND RANDOMLY A MODEL ¶
¶ AND HE VOLUNTEERS WITH WEIRD
SICK ANIMALS, AWW ¶
>> IS THE POINT OF THIS SONG
JUST THAT SHE CHEATED ON ME ALL
WEEKEND?
>> THE POINT IS IT'S ESPRESSO.
>> YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO THE
LYRICS.
>> THAT'S ALL I'M LISTENING TO.
¶ THE NEXT DAY, SHE SAID NOTHING
HAPPENED, THEY TALKED ALL NIGHT
ABOUT YOU, MATTHEW ¶
¶ THEN AT BRUNCH, SHE JUST
STARTS CRYING, WE ASK HER WHY,
SHE SAYS I'M JUST SO TIRED ¶
¶ WE SAY TAKE A NAP, SHE SAYS
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF TIRED ¶
>> I NEED ANSWERS NOW ABOUT YOU
AND WHOEVER THIS DOMINGO GUY IS,
AND NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT THE
RHYME SCHEME HAS GONE COMPLETELY
OUT THE WINDOW.
>> I'M SORRY I MET SOMEONE I
CONNECTED WITH, BUT DOMINGO IS
IN THE PAST.
>> I'M HERE.
>> IF THIS IS DOMINGO, I'M GOING
TO BE PISSED.
>> CAME ALL THIS WAY, HAD TO
EXPLAIN, KELSEY'S A FRIEND,
SHE'S LIKE MY SIS, BUT WE DID
HOOK UP THOUGH.
>> WHY WOULD YOU GUYS TELL ME
THIS THROUGH SONG?
>> I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE
FRIENDS.
>>> KATIE, HI. HANNAH'S IN THE SHOWER. SHE'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
>> THANKS, MR. EVANS.
¶ RIGHT WHEN I STEP INSIDE, I
NOTE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST
FRIEND'S HOUSE ¶
¶ I WALK AROUND AND GET A WHIFF
OF THE CINNAMON CANDLES AND THE
PILLOWS AND THE COUCH ¶
¶ HER OLDER BROTHER USES
SPRAY-ON DEODERANT, IF I SMELL
IT 20 YEARS FROM NOW, IT WILL
TAKE ME RIGHT BACK TO THIS
MOMENT ¶
¶ AND HER FATHER REALLY LIKES TO
COOK, SO IT ALWAYS SMELLS GOOD,
AND HER FAMILY USES CLEANING
STUFF THAT MY FAMILY NEVER
WOULD ¶
¶ OH, I LOVE THE SMELL OF MY
BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I REALLY
LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST
FRIEND'S HOUSE ¶
¶ I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF
MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I LOVE
THAT ¶
¶ PLAYING MUSIC ON HER
HEADPHONES, IT'S THE BEST I'VE
EVER HEARD, AND HER DAD IS
OBSESSED WITH CROSS WORDS, HE'S
KIND OF A NERD ¶
¶ THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF MOVIES
THAT I DON'T HAVE, AND HER
PARENTS ARE DIVORCED, SO THEY
HAVE THE BEST SNACKS ¶
¶ I REALLY LOVE THE SMELL OF MY
BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I REALLY
LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST
FRIEND'S HOUSE ¶
¶ SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S
HOUSE, I REALLY LOVE IT, THE
SMELL --
>> MISS, MISS, YOU CAN'T COME IN
HERE.
>> WHAT?
>> AFTER NEARLY A DECADE, THE
SEARCH FOR THE CROSS WORD KILLER
HAS COME TO A CLOSE.
POLICE SAY THE OWNER OF THIS
HOUSE HAS BEEN IMPLICATED IN THE
DEATHS OF AT LEAST 14
INDIVIDUALS.
HUMAN REMAINS HAVE BEEN
DISCOVERED IN NEARLY EVERY ROOM
IN THE HOUSE
¶ I GUESS I MAY HAVE MISSED SOME
PRETTY BIG RED FLAGS WHEN I WAS
OVER AT MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE ¶
¶ YES, YOU DID ¶
¶ BUT NOW I KNOW WHAT THE
DEODORANT AND CANDLES WERE ALL
ABOUT, AND SURE I NEVER TOOK A
CLOSE LOOK AT THE TAPES OR
WONDERED WHY HER DAD WAS BURNING
LOGS IN THE FIREPLACE ¶
¶ YES THE FRIDGE WAS STUFFED
WITH FOOD LIKE I SAID, BUT IT
DISTRACTED ME FROM THE FROZEN
HUMAN HEAD ¶
¶ I SWEAR I NEVER NOTICED
ANYTHING ABOUT THE SMELL OF MY
BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE ¶
¶ HEY, WHY DID YOU TAKE MY
SHAKER, THE SMELL OF MY BEST
FRIEND'S HOUSE, OH, MY GOD, IT
WAS FULL OF TEETH ¶
>> THE FURNITURE MADE ME DO IT.
SHE CAN HEAR THEM SINGING TOO.
SHE HAS THE DARKNESS TOO.
¶ MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE ¶
>>> IT IS SO AMAZING TO HAVE THE FAMILY TOGETHER. AND JOSH, CAN I JUST SAY HOW
AMAZING IT'S BEEN FINALLY
GETTING TO MEET MY SON'S
INCREDIBLE BOYFRIEND.
>> DON'T EMBARRASS ME, MOM.
>> DIANE, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YOU GUYS HAVE ALL BEEN SO NICE.
I REALLY FEEL LIKE A PART OF THE
FAMILY.
>> OKAY.
HERE'S THAT BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP.
ALL SET FOR SOME CHARADES?
>> JUST FINISHED THE LAST CLUE.
ALL READY TO GO.
>> DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS WERE A
GAME NIGHT FAMILY.
>> MOM GETS A TEENSY BIT
COMPETITIVE.
>> I DO NOT.
START US OFF, TERRY.
>> MOVIE, TWO WORDS, STAR WARS.
>> OKAY.
ACTOR.
ROBERT DE NIRO.
>> QUICK, MOVIE.
>> IN YOUR FACE, DIANE.
>> OH, WELL, THAT WASN'T
NECESSARY.
>> I WAS JUST TEASING LIKE, IN
YOUR FACE, GIRL.
>> YOU GOT A TINY PECKER OR
SOMETHING?
>> MOM!
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> WELL, YOU MUST BE
COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING, YOU
POOR SICK LOSER.
>> DIANE, I'M SO SORRY.
I DID NOT MEAN TO OFFEND YOU.
>> SORRY, JOSH.
YOU DIDN'T.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
IT'S JUST A GAME.
>> LET'S GO TO THE NEXT ROUND.
EVERYBODY READY?
YOU GOOD?
>> YES.
JOSH, I WAS JUST TEASING.
>> GOOD.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN THIS NEXT
ROUND, GIRLFRIEND.
>> I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD.
>> I WASN'T TRYING TO THREATEN
YOU.
>> YOU COULDN'T IF YOU TRIED.
NOT WITH THAT RINKY DRINK PINKY
YOU GOT IN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
>> IT IS NOT!
I'VE GOOGLED WHAT THE AVERAGE
IS.
>> I'M SORRY.
I SAID MOM COULD BE A BIT
COMPETITIVE.
>> SHE SHED SHE WOULD SHOOT ME.
>> OKAY.
MOVIE, TWO WORDS.
SECOND WORD.
LENGTH, FOOT, A MILE.
GOT MILE.
NOW FIRST WORD.
PATHETIC, BAD, EVIL.
>> MOM!
>> POOR, PATHETIC LITTLE GAY
GUY.
>> CHILL OUT, MOM, I'M GAY TOO.
>> I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
I MEANT GAY AS IN STUPID AND
BAD.
>> DIANE, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
>> I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.
I'VE GOT LOVE AND A FAMILY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
>> ENOUGH ABOUT MY SIZE.
YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU?
I'LL SHOW YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT
NOW.
>> DON'T YOU DARE SHOW MY WIFE
YOUR PECKER!
>> HOW ABOUT I BEAT YOUR WIFE
RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'M ABOUT TO FIGHT YOUR MOM!
>> WE PLAY BY STREET RULES,
BITCH!
>> WHAT IS HE DOING TO MY
MOTHER?
JOSH, YOU COULD REALLY HURT HER!
>> I'M SO SORRY.
I GUESS I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED
AWAY.
>> WELL, WELL, WELL.
YOU DID IT.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> FINALLY, ONE OF MY SON'S
BOYFRIENDS STOOD UP TO ME.
I NEED MY SON TO HAVE A MAN LIKE
YOU WHO WILL PROTECT HIM BECAUSE
MY SON IS SO, SO WEAK, AND I
DON'T HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR HIM.
>> MOM, COME ON!
>> WOW.
YOU REALLY ARE INCREDIBLE,
DIANE.
SORRY THINGS GOT SO -- HEATED.
>> HEY, IT'S OKAY.
>> MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> WELL, TO BE FAIR, THEY DID
HAVE CRAZY TENSION.
>> THAT IS TRUE.
>>> FOOTBALL.
IT IS A SPORT THAT CONNECTS WHO
WE ARE TO WHO WE WERE, PROVING
OUR MOST POURERFUL MEMORIES CAN
STAY WITH US FOREVER.
THAT IS WHY LAST WEEK, I, CELINE
DION MADE A PROMO FOR SUNDAY
NIGHT FOOTBALL, OKAY?
BUT FOOTBALL ISN'T THE ONLY
SPORT THAT CONNECTS US TO OUR
PAST.
THERE IS ANOTHER SPORT.
UFC FIGHTING.
SHALL WE GO FIGHT!
¶ IT'S ALL COMING BACK, ALL
COMING BACK TO ME NOW, THERE WAS
BREAKING OF BONES AND THERE WERE
KNEES TO THE BALLS ¶
THE MEMORIES, NO.
THAT WOMAN IN A SPORTS BRA WITH
THE TIGHTEST FRENCH BRAIDS AND
THE FLATTEST FACE.
AN ANGRY MAN WITH A SIDEWAYS
NOSE.
THE HUSH OF THE CROWD AS A
300-POUND BOSNIAN VOMITS UP HIS
OWN TEETH.
THIS IS THE UFC
¶ WHEN I HIT YOU LIKE THIS AND
YOU CHOKE ME LIKE THAT, WHEN YOU
ELBOW ME, IT'S ALL COMING BACK
TO ME ¶
AND ALL COMMENTATORS ALL BALD
AND IN THE SHINIEST OF SHIRTS
¶ IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME ¶
IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME, BUT
MAYBE NOT THEM BECAUSE OF THE
CONCUSSIONS.
THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF THE UFC,
THE TENSION, THE SKILL
¶ I CAN BARELY RECALL, BUT IT'S
ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW ¶
I AM CELINE DION FOR THE UFC
308.
SEE YOU IN THE OCTAGON.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVIE NICKS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
¶ I HAVE MY SCARS
YOU HAVE YOURS ¶
¶ DON'T LET THEM
TAKE YOUR POWER
DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE ¶
¶ IN THE FINAL HOURS
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER ¶
¶ DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND HOPE FOR THE BEST
THE DARK IS OUT THERE
THE LIGHT IS GOING FAST ¶
¶ UNTIL THE FINAL HOURS
YOUR LIFE'S
FOREVER CHANGED ¶
¶ AND ALL THE RIGHTS
THAT YOU HAD YESTERDAY
ARE TAKEN AWAY ¶
¶ AND NOW YOU'RE AFRAID
YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID
SHOULD BE AFRAID ¶
¶ BECAUSE EVERYTHING
I FOUGHT FOR LONG AGO
IN A DREAM IS GONE ¶
¶ SOMEONE SAID
THE DREAM IS NOT OVER
THE DREAM HAS JUST BEGUN
OR IS IT A NIGHTMARE ¶
¶ IS IT A LASTING SCAR
IT IS UNLESS YOU SAVE IT ¶
¶ AND THAT'S THAT
UNLESS YOU STAND UP
AND TAKE IT BACK
AND TAKE IT BACK ¶
¶ I HAVE MY SCARS
YOU HAVE YOURS ¶
¶ DON'T LET THEM
TAKE YOUR POWER
DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE ¶
¶ IN THE FINAL HOURS
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER ¶
¶ UNLESS YOU STAND UP
AND TAKE IT BACK
TRY TO SEE THE FUTURE
AND GET MAD ¶
¶ IT'S SLIPPING THROUGH
YOUR FINGERS
YOU DON'T HAVE
WHAT YOU HAD ¶
¶ YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME
TO GET IT BACK
I WANNA BE THE LIGHTHOUSE
BRING ALL OF YOU TOGETHER ¶
¶ BRING IT OUT IN A SONG
BRING IT OUT
IN STORMY WEATHER
TELL THEM THE STORY ¶
¶ I WANNA TEACH 'EM TO FIGHT
I WANNA TELL 'EM
THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN ¶
¶ I HAVE MY SCARS
YOU HAVE YOURS ¶
¶ DON'T LET THEM
TAKE YOUR POWER
DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE ¶
¶ IN THE FINAL HOURS
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER ¶
¶ UNLESS YOU SAVE IT
AND THAT'S THAT
UNLESS YOU STAND UP
AND TAKE IT BACK ¶
¶ TRY TO SEE THE FUTURE
AND GET MAD ¶
¶ IT'S SLIPPING THROUGH
YOUR FINGERS
YOU DON'T HAVE
WHAT YOU HAD ¶
¶ YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME
YOU GOTTA GET IN THE GAME
YOU GOTTA LEARN
HOW TO PLAY ¶
¶ YOU GOTTA MAKE A CHANGE
YOU GOTTA DO IT TODAY ¶
¶ IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR
THEY'LL SLAM THE DOOR
MAKE YOU FORGET
WHAT YOU WERE FIGHTING FOR ¶
¶ PUT YOU BACK IN YOUR PLACE
THEY'LL SHUT YOU DOWN
YOU BETTER LEARN
HOW TO FIGHT ¶
¶ YOU BETTER SAY IT OUT LOUD ¶
¶¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
DONALD TRUMP HELD A RALLY TODAY
AT THE SITE OF THE COACHELLA
MUSIC FESTIVAL BECAUSE JUST LIKE
TRUMP, COACHELLA BRINGS OUT THE
WORST IN WHITE PEOPLE.
MAYBE IT WAS THE 100 DEGREE
HEAT, BUT IT ALSO BROUGHT OUT
THE WEIRDEST IN TRUMP.
>> L.A. AND SAN FRANCISCO, WHAT
THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO OUR
CITIES.
LOOK, IT'S ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
STAND UP.
>> WHAT?
HE JUST TOLD ABRAHAM -- GIVEN
YOUR RECENT HISTORY AT RALLIES,
DO YOU REALLY WANT BOTH YOU AND
ABRAHAM LINCOLN TO STAND UP?
IT WAS ALSO REPORTED THAT DURING
THE FIRST THREE MONTHS OF HER
CAMPAIGN, KAMALA HARRIS RAISED
OVER $1 BILLION, WHICH I HOPE IS
FINALLY ENOUGH MONEY FOR HER TO
STOP TEXTING ME.
>> A NEW POLL SHOWS THAT 47% OF
VOTERS SEE KAMALA HARRIS
REPRESENTING CHANGE BETTER THAN
DONALD TRUMP.
HOW ABOUT NOW?
SAID TRUMP WITH BANGS.
NEXT WEEK, DONALD TRUMP WILL
PARTICIPATE IN A FOX NEWS TOWN
HALL BEFORE AN ALL FEMALE
AUDIENCE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK TRYING TO TALK
OVER ALL THOSE RAPE WHISTLES.
>> DONALD TRUMP CONFIRMED HE
WOULD NOT AGREE TO A SECOND
DEBATE WITH KAMALA HARRIS, WHICH
IS FINE WITH ME.
IF I WANT TODAY WATCH AN OLD MAN
YELL AT A JAMAICAN LADY, I WOULD
VISIT MY GRANDPA AT THE NURSING
HOME.
AN INTERVIEW OF THE NEW YORK
TIMES, J.D. VANCE WAS REPEATEDLY
ASKED IF DONALD TRUMP LOST THE
2020 ELECTION.
>> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU DID
DONALD TRUMP LOSE THE 2020
ELECTION.
>> I'M GOING TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION WITH ANOTHER QUESTION.
>> YOU CAN'T ANSWER QUESTIONS
WITH QUESTIONS.
IF A COP ASKS, HAVE YOU BEEN
DRINKING, YOU CAN'T ASK HIM,
HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
>> A NEW POLL SHOWS THAT SINCE
2016, SUPPORT BY BLACK VOTERS
FOR DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES HAS
DROPPED FROM 92% TO 78%.
78% IS ENOUGH TO MAKE WHITE LAB
-- LIBERALS LEAVE THE COUNTY. ALSO, IF IT WASN'T FOR BLACK
VOTERS, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE A
PARTY ANYMORE.
YOU WOULD BE THE DEMOCRATIC
SMALL GET TOGETHER.
>> EXPERTS HAVE NOTED THAT
DONALD TRUMP HAS STRUGGLED TO
PRESENT A SOFTENED STANCE ON
ABORTION.
IN FACT, THIS IS THE BEST HE'S
COME UP WITH.
>> OH, MAN.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
>> I LIKED IT, COLIN.
>> WE'RE REALLY FINDING THE
LINE.
ARKANSAS GOVERNOR SARAH HUCKABEE
SANDERS CRITICIZED KAMALA HARRIS
AND SAID BECAUSE KAMALA DOESN'T
HAVE CHILDREN, SHE DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING KEEPING HER HUMBLE.
YEAH, BECAUSE TRUMP HAVING FIVE
KIDS HAS KEPT HIM SO HUMBLE.
HARRIS RESPONDED BY SAYING IT'S
TOUGH TO BE A STEP MOM, WHICH IS
TRUE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE A
PARENT AND TURN THEM AGAINST
THEIR REAL MOM.
>> INFLATION HAS DROPPED TO ITS
LOWEST LEVEL IN FOUR YEARS.
MAN, I WISH JOE BIDEN WAS AROUND
TO SEE THIS.
OH, HE IS?
I DIDN'T KNOW.
>> BOTH THE METS AND YANKEES
HAVE ADVANCED TO THE LEAGUE
CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND SETTING UP A
POTENTIAL SUBWAY SERIES.
OH, GOD, THAT WOULD BE SO
AWESOME.
IT WOULD WITH BE THE ONLY THING
PEOPLE CARED ABOUT SAID MAYOR
ADAMS.
>> DON'T WHISTLE.
FANS OF THE PEANUTS ECONOMIC
STRIP WERE UPSET AFTER A FAN
ACCOUNT ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP.
THEY CLAIMED THAT FRANKLIN WAS
TRYING TO EAT SNOOPY.
>> THIS WEEK, AMAZON CELEBRATED
ITS 48-HOUR SALE EVENT PRIME DAY
WITH A RECORD NUMBER OF ORDERS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS MONICA, A
HAPPY AMAZON EMPLOYEE.
>> GOOD MORNING, MICHAEL.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
HOW WE DOING?
>> MONICA, IT'S MIDNIGHT.
>> GOT TO HAVE A LOT OF ENERGY.
THESE PACKAGES AIN'T GOING TO
DELIVER THEMSELVES.
>> CAN YOU JUST STOP THAT FOR A
SECOND?
>> HAPPY TO.
LOVE TO.
WHAT'S UP?
>> PRIME DAY IS AMAZON'S BIGGEST
DAY.
HOW WAS IT THIS YEAR?
>> PRIME DAY IS SORT OF LIKE
HANUKKAH IN THAT THEY SAID IT
WOULD LAST ONE DAY, BUT I WORKED
EIGHT DAYS.
I HAD TO MAKE A WHOLE NEW DAY OF
THE WEEK, FLUESDAY.
WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES ON
FRIDAY AND WAKE UP ON TUESDAY.
I GOT A GOOD JOB.
>> DO YOU AT LEAST LIKE YOUR
COWORKERS?
>> I LOVE THEM.
THE DRONES ARE SO SWEET.
I ACTUALLY HOOKED UP WITH A
DRONE.
LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, CAN'T GET AN
STD IF HE'S GOT A USB.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY WORK/LIFE
BALANCE?
>> YEAH, GOT TO.
ONCE A WEEK, I ORDER A PACKAGE
SO I CAN DRIVE BY AND SEE MY
KIDS.
MICHAEL, I KNOW HOW TO CARRY
MYSELF. I'VE BEEN ON TV BEFORE.
YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE ME FROM
AMAZON WORKER KICKS LITTLE WHITE
DOG INTO THE SUN.
I'VE BEEN SON SO MANY RING
CAMERAS, I'M GETTING RESIDUALS
FROM RIDICULOUSNESS.
>> DO THEY OFFER YOU ANYTHING?
>> THEY GAVE ME THIS VEST.
ALL THE MOST IMPORTANT JOBS GET
A VEST, CROSSING GUARDS, SERVICE
DOGS, LESBIANS.
>> LESBIANS IS NOT A JOB.
>> WELL THEN WHY DO THEY DO IT?
>> I'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT
LIKE THAT.
WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY WORKING AT
AMAZON?
MONICA, ARE YOU ASLEEP WITH YOUR
EYES OPEN RIGHT NOW?
>> WHERE AM I?
WHAT DAY IS IT?
FLUESDAY?
I'M SORRY.
SO DISORIENTED TO WAKE UP AND
NOT BE DRIVING.
>> I'M STARTING TO THINK AMAZON
IS OVERWORKING YOU.
>> YOU REALLY THINK SO, CHE?
>> YEAH.
>> SO YOU GOING TO STOP ORDERING
FROM AMAZON?
>> HAPPY AMAZON EMPLOYEE,
EVERYBODY.
>> LeBRON JAMES AND HIS SON
BRONNY MADE HISTORY WHEN THEY
BECAME THE FIRST FATHER/SON DUO
TO PLAY IN A GAME TOGETHER.
BUT THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION
WHEN LeBRON CALLED A TIME-OUT
AND HIS SON STOOD IN THE CORNER.
>> THAT BEGS THIS QUESTION,
WHAT'S THE CROSS STREETS.
>> A YOUTUBE STAR TOTALLED HIS
$200,000 McLAREN.
EVEN MORE TRAGIC, HE SURVIVED.
>> SCIENTISTS HAVE RELEASED A
DETAILED MAP OF A FRUIT FLY'S BRAIN.
IT'S ACTUALLY VERY DIFFERENT
THAN A STRAIGHT FLY'S BRAIN.
IT'S THE '90s, COLIN.
>> THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WAS
AWARDED TO A GROUP OF JAPANESE
ATOMIC BOMBERS, CALLING THE
AWARD THE SECOND BIGGEST
SURPRISE OF THEIR LIVES.
>> THE SUPREME COURT DECLINED TO
HEAR R. KELLY'S APPEAL OF THE
DECISION IN HIS SEX CRIMES CASE,
OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT -- IT'S
THE REMIX TO CONVICTION.
R. KELLY'S GOING TO PRISON.
>> THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
SOUTH BURLINGTON, VERMONT IS THE
SAFEST CITY WHILE THE LEAST SAFE
IS DIDDY FREAK-OFF NEBRASKA.
TICKETS FOR THE NORTH AMERICAN
LEG OF THE LONG-AWAITED OASIS
TOUR ARE ON SALE, WHICH IS
SURPRISING AS THE FAN HAS BEEN
FAMOUSLY FEUDING FOR DECADES.
HERE TO COMMENT ARE BROTHERS
NOEL AND -- GALLAGHER.
>> THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
EVERYONE IS WONDERING, ARE YOU
GUYS GOING TO BE COOL TO TOUR A
YEAR FROM NOW.
>> I'M COOL IF HE'S COOL.
>> I'M COOL.
I'M COOLER THAN YOU ARE.
>> STOP IT.
>> GREAT.
SO THAT'S A NO.
>> IT'S NOT A HARD NO.
IT'S A MAYBE.
>> WE SAID MAYBE -- IF LIAM
DOESN'T ACT LIKE A BABY.
>> WHAT?
I'M NOT A BABY.
YOU'RE A BABY.
>> YOU'RE A BABY.
COLIN, DID YOU SEE THAT?
>> COLIN, HE'S BEING NAUGHTY.
>> GUYS, YOU'RE FIGHTING.
YOU'RE 50 YEARS OLD AND FIGHTING
LIKE A COUPLE OF KIDS.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING YOU BOTH
AGREE ON.
>> I GUESS A FEW THINGS.
SPONGEBOB --
>> LEGEND.
WHO'S THE BEST ANYONE GENTLEMAN
TURTLE.
AND WHO'S THE BEST RUGRAT, ONE,
TWO, THREE.
>> TOMMY PICKLES.
>> LEGEND.
>> SO YOU GUYS ONLY AGREE ON
CARTOONS.
>> YEAH.
PROPER BROTHER STUFF.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WORKING WITH
YOUR BROTHER.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
WORKING "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
YOUR BIOLOGICAL BROTHER.
>> YOU THINK ME AND CHE ARE
TWINS?
>> WELL, MAYBE, YOUR MOM HAD
LIKE A WHITE BABIES.
>> I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY
YOU GUYS ARE SO MAD AT EACH
OTHER.
WHERE DID THE FEUD ACTUALLY
START?
>> WHEN WE STAYED IN STADIUM
1993.
WE WAS WITH PORSCHE SPICE, SCARY
SPICE, STINKY SPICE.
YOU TOLD EVERYBODY I HAD A
CROOKED KNOB.
YOU SAID ME KNOB BENDED LIKE
BECKHAM.
>> '95, ME, COUGAR, DUMBABLE
DOOR.
YOU SAID IF I SQUEEZED REALLY
HARD, I COULD PEE OUT MY BUM.
>> DID NOT.
>> DID TOO.
>> GUYS, LISTEN, I REALLY NEED
YOUR TOUR TO WORK OUT, OKAY?
BECAUSE I ALREADY BOUGHT
TICKETS, AND I'M ABOUT TO MOSH
OUT SO HARD THAT I WIN WHITE BOY
OF THE YEAR AWARD.
OKAY?
SO LET'S GET BACK ON COMMON
GROUND.
THERE MUST BE THINGS YOU AGREE
ON BESIDES CARTOON.
>> OKAY.
A FEW.
FAVORITE SEX AND THE CITY
BOYFRIEND.
>> STEVE.
LEGEND.
FAVORITE BOYFRIEND, MR. BIG.
>> FAVORITE WILL SMITH FILM.
>> I AM LEGEND, LEGEND, DOUBLE
LEGEND.
>> OASIS,
>>> OKAY. WELCOME. EVERYBODY GOING TO BE A LITTLE
QUIET BECAUSE THE PRINCE HAVE A
LITTLE SOMETHING HE WANT TO SAY.
>> THANK YOU, MA TTE ZBLORKS
THAT IS WHY I INVITED THE PEOPLE
TO COME UP WITH THE IDEAS OF HOW
TO MAKE THE MUSIC EVEN MORE
SPECIAL.
>> SI, PRINCE ENZO.
I COME.
PUT I GOT -- SO YOU CAN REALLY
SHRED.
>> OH.
OKAY.
NOT SO BAD.
NOT SO GOOD.
>> AND PRINCE ENZO --
>> PRINCE ENZO, WE WOULD LOVE
FOR YOU TO MEET OUR SON ANTONIO.
>> WE THINK YOU'RE REALLY GOING
TO LOVE OUR SON.
HE'S VERY SPECIAL.
>> YEAH.
ANTONIO, COME ON OUT.
THAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME,
ANTONIO?
>> HE A LITTLE SHY, OUR ANTONIO.
HE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE
SINGING.
>> GO AHEAD AND SING FOR PRINCE,
ANTONIO.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS.
¶¶
>> EH?
>> HOW INCREDIBLE IS THAT, HUH?
>> WOW, THAT IS VERY, VERY,
BEAUTIFUL SINGING.
>> AND DO YOU NOTICE HOW HIGH
HIS VOICE WAS?
>> I DID, YES.
>> YES.
IT WAS THE ONLY THING I NOTICED,
YES.
>> WELL, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT
ANY BOY COULD SING LIKE THIS.
ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS HAVE HIM
CASS STRAITED.
?
>> SORRY.
WHAT WAS THAT?
>> ANTONIO IS WHAT WE'RE
CALLED -- IT'S AN EXPERIMENT.
>> YOU CASTRATE YOUR BOY BEFORE
PUBERTY SO HIS VOICE NEVER DROP.
>> YOU KNOW YOU LIKE YOUR BOY TO
SING, BUT THEN HE GO THROUGH
PUBERTY AND THEN HIS VOICE DROP
DOWN SO LOW.
>> WELL, WITH THIS, IT WILL
NEVER HAPPEN.
SHOW HIM, ANTONIO.
>> WITH A SONG.
¶¶
>> I MEAN, COME ON.
>> THAT IS LIKE -- THAT IS LIKE
A FREAKING ANGEL, HUH?
>> WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU,
ANTONIO.
>> SO PROUD, ANTONIO.
>> AND DOES HE LIKE THAT YOU DID
THIS TO HIM?
>> YOU MEAN THE CASTRATION?
>> YES.
I THINK I MEAN THE CASTRATION.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN
NOTICED THE CASTRATION.
DID YOU NOTICE THE CASTRATION,
ANTONIO?
>> ANTONIO, THE CASTRATION, WAS
IT FUN OR NOT SO FUN?
>> FUN, NOT SO FUN?
I THINK HE JUST DON'T LIKE TO
TALK.
HE PREFER TO SING.
>> I THINK IT'S BECAUSE YOU CUT
HIS NUTS OFF.
>> IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
>> WE'RE NOT MONSTERS.
WE NEVER CUT OFF NOTHING.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
>> YEAH.
WE NEVER CUT.
IT WAS JUST A TWIST.
>> SI, SI, SI, WE TWIST.
>> SORRY.
A TWIST.
WE JUST TAKE THE BOY WHEN HE
EIGHT OR NINE YEAR OLD AND PUT
HIM INTO A -- INDUCED COMA.
AND THEN WE TAKE HIS LITTLE
GONAD AND HAVE A TWIST.
>> WE TWIST.
IT'S A TWIST.
>> AND TWIST AND A TWIST AND
MORE UNTIL THE LITTLE GONAD
BASICALLY POP RIGHT OFF.
>> SI, SI.
THE LITTLE GONAD YELL, I GIVE
UP.
>> I GIVE UP, I DON'T WANT TO BE
A GONAD NO MORE.
A WEEK LATER, ANTONIO WAKE UP
AND HAVE THAT BEAUTIFUL
HIGH-PITCH SINGING FOREVER.
RIGHT?
>> YEP.
>> WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE
GONAD?
>> WE PUT IT IN THE ICEBOX IN
CASE WE EVER WANT TO REVERSE THE
OPERATION.
>> YOU DID?
>> MY DOG, HE LEARNED HOW TO
OPEN UP THE ICEBOX AND MAKE A
BIG MEAL OUT OF THE GONAD, AND
NOW THE DOG BARK LIKE THIS.
>> AND I HAVE A QUESTION AS
WELL.
>> AH, YES, KENAN.
>> DOES ANTONIO WRITE THE MUSIC
ALSO?
>> HE DOES.
ANTONIO, YOU WANT TO SHARE THE
ORIGINAL SONG YOU WROTE ABOUT
THE GONAD EXPERIENCE?
>> SURE.
¶ COME ON, BABY, COME ON, BABY,
TWIST AND SHOUT, COME ON, COME
ON, COME ON, BABY NOW, POP IT
RIGHT OFF, POP IT RIGHT OFF,
WHOO ¶
>>> ONCE AGAIN, STEVIE NICKS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ¶¶
¶ JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' ¶
¶ WHOO-WHOO-WHOO
JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG ¶
¶ SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN'
WHOO-WHOO-WHOO ¶
¶ AND THE DAYS GO BY
LIKE A STRAND IN THE WIND
IN THE WEB THAT IS MY OWN ¶
¶ I BEGIN AGAIN
SAID TO MY FRIEND
YOU KNOW
NOTHIN' ELSE MATTERED ¶
¶ HE WAS NO MORE
HE WAS NO MORE
THAN A BABY THEN ¶
¶ WELL WELL HE SEEMED
BROKENHEARTED
IT WAS SOMETHIN'
WITHIN HIM ¶
¶ BUT THE MOMENT
THAT I FIRST LAID
EYES ON HIM ¶
¶ ALL ALONE SOMEWHERE
JUST OUT ON THE EDGE OF
SEVENTEEN ¶
¶ JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' ¶
¶ WHOO-WHOO-WHOO
JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG ¶
¶ SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN'
WHOO-WHOO-WHOO ¶
¶ WELL THEN SUDDENLY
THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT
STANDING
IN THE HALL ¶
¶ WELL WELL IN A FLOOD
OF TEARS
THAT NO ONE REALLY
EVER HEARD FALL ¶
¶ WHEN I WENT SEARCHIN'
FOR AN ANSWER
UP THE STAIRS
AND DOWN THE HALL ¶
¶ I DID NOT FIND AN ANSWER
JUST TO HEAR THE CALL
OF A NIGHTBIRD SINGIN' ¶
¶ COME AWAY SOMEHOW
COME AWAY
COME AWAY ¶
¶ JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' ¶
¶ WHOO BABY WHOO SAID WHOO
JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG ¶
¶ SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN'
WHOO BABY WHOO
SAID WHOO ¶
¶ WELL I HEAR YOU
WELL I HEAR YOU
IN THE MORNING
IN THE MORNING ¶
¶ AND I HEAR YOU
AND I HEAR YOU
AT NIGHTFALL
AT NIGHTFALL ¶
¶ SOMETIME TO BE NEAR YOU
IS TO BE UNABLE
TO HEAR YOU
MY LOVE ¶
¶ JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' ¶
¶ WHOO BABY WHOO
SAID WHOO ¶
¶ JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG
SOUNDS LIKE
SHE'S SINGIN' IT TO YOU ¶
¶ WHOO BABY WHOO
SAID WHOO
I HEAR THE CALL
OF A NIGHTBIRD ¶
¶¶
SNOETD
¶ I STILL HEAR THE CALL OF A
NIGHT BIRD ¶
¶¶ ¶ I KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> JENNIFER COOLIDGE FOR MAYBELLINE. >> OH, GOSH.
HI.
MAYBELLINE'S NEW SUPER STAY
LONGER LIQUID LIP COLOR GOES ON
LIKE A DREAM.
I BETTER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND
MAKE SURE I DIDN'T MISS ANY
SPOTS.
>> WOW.
YOU LOOK GREAT, JENNIFER
COOLIDGE.
>> REALLY?
ME?
I DO?
>> HECK YEAH.
THANKS TO MAYBELLINE'S LONG WEAR
LIQUID LIP COLOR.
>> THANKS.
I'VE GOT A BIG DATE TONIGHT, AND
I'M COUNTING ON MAYBELLINE'S
LIQUID LIP LONG LIP TO SEAL THE
DEAL.
>> SHOULD WE PUT ON SOME MORE?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
WOW.
HO.
>> WHAT ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT
ON OUR DATE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S A GOOD CONVERSATION
STARTER?
>> LEMONS.
>> HECK YES.
WHAT TOPIC SHOULD WE AVOID?
>> FISH.
>> THE BAND OR THE ANIMAL?
>> THERE'S AN ANIMAL CALLED
FISH?
>> YEAH.
WHAT WILL WE SAY IN OUR DATE
ASKS US IF WE CAN HAVE ANY SUPER
POWER?
>> CRAB WALK.
>> NOW GIVE ME ONE.
>> IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE
LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
>> LIVING.
>> WOW.
YOU CAN'T HELP BUT SOUND SMART
WHEN YOU'RE WEARING MAYBELLINE.
LET'S SAY THE NAME TOGETHER.
>> MAYBELLINE LIPPER LINER
COLOR -- LIPPER MAYBELLINE.
I THINK THIS MIRROR IS SMUDGED.
HANG ON.
LET'S SEE IF THIS HELPS.
OH, YEAH.
>> A LITTLE MORE.
OH, GOSH.
IT'S SO -- OH, IT TASTES LIKE
SOAP, DOESN'T IT?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> OH, GOSH.
>> ALL BETTER.
>> YEAH.
WIPE IT DOWN.
HEY, I WONDER WHAT OUR LIPS LOOK
LIKE FROM THE SIDE.
LET ME FOLD OUT THIS PART OF THE
MIRROR.
>> WOW.
THANK GOD YOU OPENED THE MIRROR.
I'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR
YEARS.
>> OH, NO.
>> IT'S OKAY.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
I'M JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
>> WE KNOW.
>> HEY, MAYBE WE NEED MORE LONG
WEAR LIQUID LIP COLOR LONG
LASTING MOUTH MAGIC.
>> YEAH.
>> HERE.
>> YEAH.
>> USE MINE.
I'VE GOT EXTRAS.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> YEAH.
>> SO ARE WE GONNA KISS THIS GUY
TONIGHT?
>> I HOPE SO.
>> YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE.
REALLY FILL THEM OUT.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
ARE WE READY?
>> YEAH.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> ALL THANKS TO MAYBELLINE LIP
LASTING LONG LIP COLOR, ULTIMATE
PLUMPER FROST COLOR LIQUID LIP
COLOR FROM MAYBELLINE.
WOW.
>>> BACK IN THE DAYS, THE GRAND
HOTELS ALL IN AN UNDER COVER MAN
ON THE PAYROLL TO KEEP OUT THE
ROUGH CUSTOMERS.
HE WAS KNOWN AS THE HOTEL
DETECTIVE.
>> MAKE IT A TOM COLLINS, COULD
YOU?
AND DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE
VARNISH.
WELL, WELL, WELL, AREN'T YOU A
HIGH STACK OF CHEESE.
YOU FROM OUT OF TOWN, SLUGGER?
>> GOSH, I SURE AM.
ALL BY MYSELF IN THE CITY.
THIS PLACE IS CRAZY.
>> YOU SURE SAID A MOUTHFUL,
BUSTER.
CAN GET AWFUL LONELY, TOO.
>> DON'T I KNOW IT.
BUT MY WIFE IS ALL THE WAY IN
WICHITA.
>> WICHITA.
SO YOU'RE JUST A LONELY FLAP
JACK WITHOUT ANY BUTTER?
I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE ME
UPSTAIRS AND WE CAN LET IT ALL
OUT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
>> GOLLY.
I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, BUT I'M
AFRAID WE'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.
I'M THE HOTEL DETECTIVE AND THIS
JOINT PAYS ME TO KEEP PEOPLE
LIKE YOU OFF THE PREMISES.
>> I GOT TO WALK INTO THE ONE
WHERE STAN STANLEY IS A HOTEL
DETECTIVE.
>> HOW DID YOU KNOW?
>> WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN YOU
PUT ON YOUR APPLICATION FORM TO
PUT ON FOR HOTEL DETECTIVE.
AN APPLICATION THAT WAS DENIED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE I'M THE DETECTIVE OF
HOTEL MANAGEMENT.
I'M TAKING YOU IN FOR HOTEL
DETECTIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE.
>> WELL, I WOULD LOVE TO PUT
THOSE DRINKS ON YOUR TAB, BUT
I'M AFRAID THAT WON'T BE
HAPPENING.
>> NO.
>> OH, YES.
YOU SEE, I'M FROM THE BUREAU OF
HOTEL DETECTIVES MANAGEMENT
INTERNAL AFFAIRS, AND YOU ARE
GUILTY OF MISUSING YOUR BUSINESS
ACCOUNT.
>> YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
I'LL BE LIVING IN THE BIRD CAGE.
>> TELL IT TO THE JUDGE, LADY.
>> HOW ABOUT I TELL IT TO YOU
UPSTAIRS.
>> I'M LISTENING.
>> I'M AFRAID YOU'RE BOTH GOING
DOWNTOWN.
>> THAT'S NO GOOD.
>> THIS ONE IS.
MY NAME IS SAM STANLEY.
>> THE OVERSIGHT CHIEF?
?
>> THE SAME.
YES.
RELONG EXPECTED THE BUSINESS
ACCOUNTS WERE BIG MISUSED IN
SEXUAL FAVORS WITH THE
DETECTIVES OF INTERNAL AFFAIRS,
AND THIS PROVES IT.
COME ON.
WE'RE ALL GOING DOWNTOWN.
>> SUBMITTED FOR YOUR
CONSIDERATION, A NIGHTMARE WORLD
OF HOTEL DETECTIVE BUREAUCRACY.
ALSO, THIS IS PURGATORY, AND
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
DID WE SELL THAT?
DOESN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE IT.
THIS WOULD NOT HAVE FLOWN ANY
TIME BEFORE SEASON FIVE.
BUT WHAT
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, STEVIE NICKS! HAPPY 99th BIRTHDAY, MY NONA.
I LOVE YOU.
MUAH!
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