Good evening. I'm Brett Baier
and to clear the air. Yes, I do look like someone made a businessman in Minecraft.
Tonight I am speaking to Vice President Kamala Harris. Let's
welcome her now to Fox News.
Well, thank you for. Have you here with us?
Thank you. Brett. Yeah. The pleasure as neither of us. Well,
thank you, Madam Vice President. Now, when I interviewed President Trump,
my first question was, what do you think is the most important issue
facing our nation? So my first question for you is give me
the exact number of murderers you let loose in this country. But I'm glad you brought up
the topic of immigration. Million, 2 million. Okay.
The first thing we did in office was to introduce a 10 million. Give me a number.
But we came up with a bipartisan. But did have a number, though.
May I please. Finish? I'm asking you to. Well, then you have to listen.
Well, I can't, because I'm talking. Well, when you
stop and maybe when I go to bed. Okay, but listen,
I am the only candidate who has prosecuted transnational criminal organizations.
I brought down the Sinaloa cartel. I brought down the Guadalajara
cartel. If I was in Breaking Bad, it would have ended in three
episodes.
Madam Vice President, are you here to answer questions?
You're just looking for a viral moment. Oh, please.
I am not looking for a viral moment. See how I don't let
men interrupt my answers? Very demure, very mindful. Oh.
Okay, now you're just throwing up means.
That that is not true. I am here to reach across the aisle.
Hundreds of Republicans have endorsed me because in declare, we all fan.
I'm not familiar with the curb. But are we all?
FAM, you've been pretty divisive. You've called Donald
Trump unfit. Yes. Unstable yet not able to lead unchecked.
Did I stutter?
Look, Donald Trump
talks about the enemy within. He said he would turn the military on the American people.
We actually asked the former president about this today. Take a look.
Mr. president, thank you for coming to this women's town hall full of undecided women voters
who we found at a Trump rally.
Now, Kamala Harris has called you unhinged and a danger.
What do you say to that? You know, I heard about that. They said I was threatening.
Not true. I would never threaten anything except perhaps violence.
But they do phony investigations. Okay, I've been investigated
more than Alfonse Capone, who famously did nothing wrong. Scarface outfit, you know.
But you know, you know, he said he briefly died from Covid. One of the great hoaxes,
you know, that was started by Joe Biden, the Biden crime family.
Right? Families are disappearing. You know, kids are
kids are going back to school and they're coming back a different gender.
You know, they're going to Mars and they're coming back big. And, you know,
they're switching bodies. They're doing Freaky Fridays. And Hannah Montana's, you know,
we're a failing country. America is a terrible place full of jerks and idiots.
But we love it. It's really bad. With all due respect, that is not the right clip.
Well, actually it was. No, no. Well, he answered, he who? Look, no.
You are going to like the way you look. I guarantee you.
Okay? Okay, enough Lego man. Just just play the correct clip
of Donald Trump. Fine. Roll it. YMCA
on the YMCA. Yeah. We're doing a music.
I think you have to admit, he makes a pretty compelling
argument. Look. He can dance all he wants to YMCA or to any other song.
He doesn't realize is a gay anthem.
This this election is about contrast.
At my rallies, there's Beyoncé and Joy and bathrooms
and his rallies. He won't pay for the busses,
and hundreds of elderly people got to walk back to their car six miles through the desert
like an Old Testament fire festival.
Yeah. So are you saying Trump
voters are misguided or are they stupid? Oh no, I would never say.
Idiots who can't think for themselves. Are they morons?
Slack jaws, stump pumpers, cross-eyed meat heads? Sweat.
But you're trying real hard to make me say something bad. But they're at least sad, right?
Some of them are very. Okay, let's move. On. Okay, fine.
So you're not denying that they're fat. Oh, my dear God.
You're very sexy when you're angry, you know that? Yes, I do.
Next question. When asked about Joe Biden.
Here's here's what he recently said about you and your candidacy.
Okay, look, here's the deal. It's a terrible tragedy. I'm looking round.
Everything she touches will be destroyed. No, Joe. Watch out. Florida.
Brett. Brett is clearly talking
about the hurricane. He said, watch out, Florida. Why do you keep
playing these misleading clips? I don't, but here's some more. Folks.
We have other problems on our hands. I'm being serious. Come on.
Four years ago was amazing. It was a guy wanted, but now I got this girl.
People are going, what are you doing here? Come on. Okay.
But you and I both know he's talking about the new Joker movie with Lady Gaga.
Can you keep rolling it, please? And why is she saying, what's a fallen girl?
What's a good gaga? Good God, what is it? Come on.
No Joker, no joke.
Okay, maybe you're right, but. Wow.
While we're on the topic, what did you do first?
Notice that Joe Biden's mental faculties were diminished. But I have watched Joe Biden
from the Oval Office to the Situation Room,
and Joe Biden is too bright. He is a brilliant. But my presidency, well,
you're basically to be. A billion times to better.
To your presidency would be different than Biden's.
Of course, we're very different. For example, I am comfortable saying the word abortion. Oh,
you can't handle that, Brett. Abortion. God.
Uterus. No menstruation. You're lying.
I've got to hit her back with the male equivalent to balls.
Okay, Brett, I can handle that. I am here doing an interview
with an openly hostile network, and Trump has canceled all of his interviews.
That's not true. Donald Trump just did a town hall
with his sworn enemy, Univision. Let's take a look. Mr. president,
I want to give you the opportunity to win back my vote,
after what happened on January 6th. But why would I support you?
I'm just going to make it crystal clear. Okay? January 6th was a day of love.
All right? Love and peace. It was basically Woodstock.
People were being peaceful. No one died except for the few that did.
And so now that I got your vote, let's dance. It's raining. Man.
Hallelujah. It's raining men.
Does he not listen to the lyrics?
Before we wrap up, tell us why the American people
should vote for you. Because I have a plan. What is it? Well, I'm trying
to tell you. Trying to listen. But then stop. I don't know how. Just.
Just shut your mouth. I don't think it does. Okay, may I finish? Go ahead.
The American vote. The American people. Excited for wicked.
The American people. That was fun, right,
I had fun. We're out of time. Thanks for joining. Me. Okay. Before I go,
can I just say the thing I've been trying to say this whole time? Fine.
Go ahead. Live from New York its Saturday Night!
It's Saturday Night Live
>> A FILM BY PLEASE DON'T DESTROY.
MUSICAL GUEST, BILLIE EILISH. AND YOUR HOST -- MICHAEL KEATON.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL KEATON!
Oh. Thank you, thank you. That's very. Nice, man.
hosting Saturday Night Live 50th season.
This year? Yeah. That's amazing. You know,
I was working on a
I was a P.A. on Mister Rogers
Neighborhood at WQED. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the 70s, you know,
than you'd think. Mister Rogers
A lot of puppets, tons of cocaine. Yeah.
Anyway, Fred was a great guy. He's everythingt guy.
I want to talk about this movie
which is called Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
coming up, I know I'm going to see a lot
which is adorable.ds out there
a lot of grown men dressed up
40s, which is less adorable,
and the juice. Yeah. Okay. Mikey Day.
How you doing, man? Yeah. That's good. Come on, come on, baby, it's.
Beetlejuice is my favorite.
Hey, you do me a favor. Can you say it's showtime?
I don't even remember how I said up. I do.
Okay, okay. Oh, hey, showtime Andy Samberg, you two.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, that's right, Mike
here, know during my story
many times to get my B.J. into the show.get my B.J.
Beetlejuice.y, hey, please don|t
when I'm gone, remember?
Yeah. Film. Yeah. Good, good good, good. But in all seriousness,good.
right? I hate them myself,
That's really great.ter.
Emhoff in the cold opens? of
jam him in this week. So here we find ourselves.
Yeah, I got you. I got. You, Yeah.
lurking in the wings.
for another Beetlejuice, so.
This is just how I dress. But thank you so much.
of lines from the first movie?
Did you see the second? Not yet. It's on the list, right? Right.
you're going to stand up here
with me? Until you do the voice. We really like to hear the voice
come. On, come on. Not gonna happen. Please.
We got a great show. Yeah. Billie Eilish is here Stick around we|ll be back
Don't think she's a nut. Hey, sharp TV shoppers,
Ray and Lindy here. And it's spookTober in the shop TV studio.
And everybody is getting silly. We got a minion running our dang camera over there.
Look at their. Hey, man, you all right? Just.
Drew. Now, you got a second job there, Roy
Banana. Oh, banana. Well, in the next.
Hour, we've got specular sighting. So good, even
the ghosts will be howling. You're supposed to play a sound effect.
Odell Audio of a ghost moaning. What the heck
are you up to? Okay. Oh, it is spooked over. Well, our first item for sale
today comes from Toby the cookie guy. Wallet. Hey, Bret Lindy
Happy cookie. Wayne. Halloween. Oh, you're too much. Yeah, but.
What do you got for us today? Well, now, I don't normally like to scare my customers,
but I'll make sure on Halloween. Oh, I'm selling a jumbo cookie. It looks like a zombie
eyeball. Oh. Yuck. And yum. Yeah, and it comes.
In this fun souvenir box right here. Yeah, for a low price of.
Guess how much? 14.99 Yeah. That's right. That's all it is.
Okay, well, do. You have one of these cookies unwrapped?
We can show. I do, yeah. Yummy. Yes. On my. Yeah.
There we go. Oh, look. At that eyeball.
Oh, that is so pink in the middl there. It's so pink.
Well, it's a zombie. It's a zombie eye, so it's bloodshot.
Yeah. I might have gone with a blue eye myself, but,
Tell us about the flavors a little bit. Tell us about just
about the flavors a little bit. Well, classic vanilla sponge cake.
And look how soft and squishy. Oh no no no no no. Yeah. Let's get off that.
Get off that one now. Oh, damn. You know, I. Always say
squishy is delicious. Oh. That's fun. Yeah. I think everybody at home
knows how soft it is. So. Yeah, you can stop feeling it like that.
And, you know, I want to also say I used all organic ingredients.
I mean, they look so good. People think they're fake, but they're not.
They're all natural. No, I'm a big naturals guy. Oh, well,
don't say it like that. Well, you know what? Let's go to the phones.
How about that caller? Are you excited to order one of these zombies?
Zombies? I thought that cookie was supposed to be like a
delicious white woman to hang up on. Shame on you.
Give it. To us. Look, I just want an ad that's
not just, you know, the sponge. This part here is actually red velvet. I
oh. Like that. So just maybe half the that people can't.
Look feel that. I don't know. You're just being so delicate
with them. I'll be a little help. Out right now.
No, no. Don't close. Okay, Toby, why don't you go ahead and
tell us about the special offer you have for our shop TV viewers?
Well, if you order in the next hour, I'll throw in a second to. And then.
Yes, I got that. Look at that right there. I want to get these things
in my mouth right now. Oh, that Saturday. Okay, let's go to a caller.
How about that caller you shop TV? Hi there.
Do those cookies come in different ethnicities? Hang up, hang up
Shame on you. Good question. Well, Toby,
your cookies are already here. It says here you just got an order for 500 cookies. Wow.
Yeah. That order comes from Pelican Bay State Prison in California.
Thanks, fellas. Well, 1499 for two zombie eyeball cookies.
Oh, boy. Here, hold that for me. Would you be delicate
if you can, right? And if you order in the next five minutes, I'm going to throw
in an extra sweet treat. And this is my cookie guide. Oh I.
Don't. Oh, okay. Oh my. God. Blur It Oh my God.
Don't put TV. MA on the screen. Okay. That makes it seem worse
Odell No. Okay. It's every natural
Okay, well, that was fun, Toby. Guys. Thanks, guys.
Thank you. Oh, guys. Wow. Yeah. We'll be back.
With more Shop TV. Toby. Yeah. You know, those cookies
kind of look like yours? I know, right? This.
believe we're doing this, man.
present ever, dude.ne.
which is our jumping altitude.
to an instructor, just like we practiced in base
forget to enjoy the view.
Yeah. How you guys feel? I feel pumped.
Dude. Honestly, I'm kind of nervous. Me too.
What's that? I'm just.at?
feeling in my stomach.oo.
away. No. I'm usually never nervous. Yeah,
today.t know.
Just like, luck's not on my side. I hate to hear that.
Who is with which instructor? I'm with you. And glasses.
Dirk over there. So, I don't even get him
on the weekends now, Yeah. Good day. Lawyer. I just lost the kids.
Should we maybe head back? No. You guys talking vibes. Something's weird, right?
jitters, you know?AirPods?
I had to pull the cord.uld jump.
So this is my life, Okay, sir, you need to land
the plane now. You guys are gonna be fine. These guys are pros.
because they love it, right? Maybe.
that always wanted to die.
Oh, you can't jump, dude. Yeah.
Take a selfie before we go. No good. Last words. Nice smile.st words.
for, like, ten years.
I think. I don't know.
I want you to know I love you. I love you too, man.
love with you and smile.
absolutely gorgeous.
All right. Thank you, man.
I want to jump now. Let's do this thing.
now is the time to speak up.nd
I mean, speaking up. I know you're scared. Why wouldn't you be?
We're jumping into the unknown. That's why we do this. To figurey we do this.
out who we really are. You.
I am all right.
Well, what do you think? Wanna Jump!
Okay. Okay, everyone sit down.
Janie and I are in love,
and we intend to wed Son, Janie is a lovely girl, but a white man lovely girl,
married to a black woman. That's just dangerous. What will people say?
what they say, ma'am. Our love is stronger.
marriage.r hate.
For both of your sakes. Well, hold on now.
is the man for her, thenaughter.
I say God bless. Love is love. And that's how it should be. I just don't understand why.
you two would want to do this. Nor do I. Well, maybe this will help.
I've written the song. You wrote a song about me, baby. About us.
it's like to be married to a beautiful black woman.
Maybe when people hear it, things will start to change. Amen.
Play a song, young man. Play a song. Thank you sir.
I will.
* HEY, HEY, HEY, YOUR LIPSTICK STAINS ON THE FRONT LOBE OF MY
LEFT SIDE BRAIN, I KNEW I WOULDN'T FORGET YOU * * AND SO I WENT AND LET YOU BLOW
MY MIND, HEY, SOUL SISTER, AIN'T THAT MISTER MISTER ON THE RADIO, STEREO, THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T
FAIR YOU KNOW * * HEY, SOUL SISTER, I DON'T WANT TO MISS A SINGLE THING YOU DO
TONIGHT, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY *
>> I THINK THEY GET IT. I THINK THEY GET IT * OH, YOU CAN CUT A RUG, WATCHING YOU IS
THE ONLY DRUG I NEED, YOU'RE SO GANGSTER, I'M SO THUG, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I'M DREAMING OF *
>> I'M GOING TO WAIT OUTSIDE. YEAH. * HEY, SOUL SISTER, AIN'T THAT
MISTER MISTER ON THE RADIO, STEREO, THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR YOU KNOW *
>> PLEASE, STOP. * HEY, SOUL SISTER, I DON'T WANT TO MISS A SINGLE THING YOU DO
TONIGHT *
What? Oh, wow.
Son, just. Wow, I get it, I get it. You have my blessing.
about his beloved soul sister,
I can't object.
Young. Man, did you say that
my daughter was so gangsta? Yes, sir. And I am so thug.
blessing.y.
a step. Further. And say that maybe we should,
that is such a good point.
I agree. Oh, is that with, Are we over? Yeah, I think so. Are we over?
Yeah, probably for the best. Okay. Good bye everybody. We just going to exitody.
through the kitchen. Wait. No. Don't go. Please. Oh, I can't believe this.
right?id I do wrong?
it was only missing one thing.e.
What? This little bit of stank. Two. Three. Four.
* HEY, SOUL SISTER, AIN'T THAT MISTER MISTER ON THE RADIO,
STEREO, THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR YOU KNOW, HEY, SOUL SISTER, I DON'T WANNA MISS A SINGLE
THING YOU DO *
Guys, TikTok shop 30% off. My cortisol has drop.
I am trying the Hennessy Habanero fruity Pebblesy
chicken sandwich from Lisa. So food in Atlanta. I'm not going to lie, y'all.
That's nasty. Came on this way. I had to explain. Direct from Domingo.
my husband asked for beef tacos and I didn'tsked for beef tacos
and picked the corn myself.
So that's what we do when we bring the boom Thank you for the roses. Yum.
we must protect the bloodline.
of the snow bunny. You don't want it? See how I'm
vibrating off my cellulite? Very demure, very mindful. Hey, baby.
What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father. Today's topic ising father.
when to put a finger in. Our guest today is Secretary of Homeland
Security Alejandro Mayorkas. I don't know, please
don't get a caller Bizbit. Can I sing to you? Making my way downtown, walking
past faces. Person homebound. Yeah. Thank you.
That was singing. Later with the. Look at this crab. Me.
It's shit. It's insane. Looks like. Yo. Come on, chair, chill.
in my friggin basement, bro.
Oh, God. Don't shut up. Thank you for being here, Mr.
they tell me your tremendous
and with regard to virgins. So it's a great honor
What do you do? There's an evacuation
order in place so you don't to I mean, so this is part
55 of my beef with the Chili's on Jefferson Avenue. You didn't knowenue.
guys are at the wrong rally..
the smaller one down the street. Excuse me.
I'm speaking.
can I sing to you? Yes.
Where are you? And I'm so sorry. Yeah, well, it was terrible.
That was really bad. I didn't like that at all. That was really bad.t all.
cheesesteaks.
As a 22 year old mother of ten, I like to do everything by hand. Today my kids wanted to color,d.
to make more paper for my kids.
We, My cortisol is dropping. Is this thing vibrating? The legs are getting fed
if you do not have things
stop following me. They got.
We bring the Boom That's what we do.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILLIE EILISH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * I WANT YOU TO STAY 'TIL I'M IN THE GRAVE
'TIL I ROT AWAY DEAD AND BURIED * * 'TIL I'M IN
THE CASKET YOU CARRY IF YOU GO I'M GOIN' TOO 'CAUSE IT WAS ALWAYS YOU
ALRIGHT * * AND IF I'M TURNIN' BLUE PLEASE DON 'T SAVE ME
NOTHIN' LEFT TO LOSE WITHOUT MY BABY * * BIRDS OF A FEATHER
WE SHOULD STICK TOGETHER * * I KNOW I SAID I'D NEVER THINK I WASN'T
BETTER ALONE * * CAN'T CHANGE THE WEATHER MIGHT NOT BE FOREVER
BUT IF IT'S FOREVER IT'S EVEN BETTER * * AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M CRYIN' FOR I DON'T THINK I COULD LOVE YOU MORE *
* IT MIGHT NOT BE LONG BUT BABY I I'LL LOVE YOU
'TIL THE DAY THAT I DIE * * 'TIL THE DAY THAT I DIE 'TIL THE LIGHT LEAVES MY EYES
'TIL THE DAY THAT I DIE * * I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW YOU LOOK TO ME
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IF I TOLD YA * * YOU WOULD KEEP
THE COMPLIMENTS I THROW YA BUT YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT TELL ME IT'S A BIT OH *
* SAY YOU DON'T SEE IT YOUR MIND'S POLLUTED SAY YOU WANNA QUIT
DON'T BE STUPID * * I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M CRYIN' FOR
I DON'T THINK I COULD LOVE YOU MORE * * MIGHT NOT BE LONG
BUT BABY I I DON'T WANNA SAY GOODBYE * * BIRDS OF A FEATHER
WE SHOULD STICK TOGETHER 'TIL THE DAY THAT I DIE * * I KNOW I SAID I'D NEVER
THINK I WASN'T BETTER ALONE 'TIL THE LIGHT LEAVES MY EYES *
* CAN'T CHANGE THE WEATHER MIGHT NOT BE FOREVER 'TIL THE DAY THAT I DIE *
* BUT IF IT'S FOREVER IT'S EVEN BETTER * * I KNEW YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE
YOU HAD THAT SAME LOOK IN YOUR EYES * * I LOVE YOU
DON'T ACT SO SURPRISED * **
Update with Colin Jost
and Michael Che.
Good evening. Everyone. Welcome to Weekend
Update..I'm Michael che. I'm Colin Jost.
the election is just 16 days
and the candidates are striking very different tonesre striking
Kamala Harris.out the vote.
Your vote is your voice, and your voice is your power. Nice.
And here's Trump. Get that fat pig off the couch. Tell him to go and votee couch.
for Trump. He's going to save our country. Also, nice and direct.
you'll notice in their styles. You know, like, here's Kamala's
message to women. And when. Congress.
I will proudly sign it.e
Into law. Okay. And here's Trump's
closing message to women.
So in that story, he thinks Harvey Weinstein's
I never need to hear anyone
did strike a positive tone
to just dance for 40 minutes.
Please enjoy these somehow. 100% real clips. This is a man world,
Hey. Special like.
all those incredible songs on.
Now that's what I call dementia.
hall hosted by Univision,
in both English and Spanish, which he answered in bothsh,
English and louder in English. During a rally in Atlanta, Donald Trump said
who votes for Kamala Harristes for Kamala
should have their head examined. But no matter who we vote for, I promise you who we vote for,
I am not going to therapy.
That guy gets. Me. And an all female Fox News town
the father of IVF,
which stands for Ivanka and various freaks.
Trump. Trump.
was probably a great president,s
the Civil War wasn't settled. Well, it was settled settled.
until you showed up.
say that during a campaign stop
the fry cooker at a McDonald's
deep fry the tip of his tie.
call on January
he is gaslighting us. But Kamala, you'reus.
just imagining things baby.
That's my. That's called gaslighting.
It's very real. I'm a good actor. At a rally in a Pennsylvania
that DominionElon Musk promoted
election, saying, quote, the last thing I would do
driving all of his car.gram.
he hopes that the death
will be a path to peace in Gaza. Path to peace is alsoce in Gaza.
in about three months.iden
has reached a settlement in hundreds of child sex abuse
that priest called worth it.
The 90s. Come on.
Candidates are now doing everything they can to get
Night Live cast member, a meal.
with Kim. Oh. Hi, Colin. Hi, Emile. Welcome.
going into the election? I feel good, I feel like
voting for.I'm voting for,
because my dad's an immigrant, but he, like, you know,igrant,
all odds.t in this country.
that he's a Republican now. Like that's
was to go from, like, village in Lebanon to being like,lage
no, no, no, don't let me in. No, sorry about that. No, sorry, white guys only.
let's go play pickleball. That's what I guess.
Lebanon?that is a dream. Yeah.
you know, it's very scary now, but, you know, scary
and he's like, you know,out me
we're Arab. We're not Arab.
What a Christian. Lebanese. It's different. We're European,
if they think we're the French,
are very funny part of all this.
starts going down over there,g down
not to us.s like to pop out.
Lebanese dudes with unibrow being like, bonjour. You're.
the Christian part helps? Yes.
I lived all over the country,
conservative of an area I'm in. When people find outrea I'm in.
just relax a little bit.
even in this room, like, I feel people's shoulders drop, I feel
Christian Arabs.ut
oh, he's cool. Like, oh, they're just like
were kind of like,id of you.
with anime backpacks. You like.
I don't love it, but I'm not going to
cross the street anymore. It's fine. He skateboards. Okay, whatever.
I guess I see that. Yeah. See, you know, we're not that
like violent people by nature.
passionate guys, you know,ther
what is an Arab but a Greek that you're kind of afraid of,
there. We're Italian guys.
because our buddies on the mouth, we're just like, hey,
the Middle East forever.
I love my mother to like, oh no,
I don't look like that's how we got there. You know,
Colin wrote that jokes for me. Okay. That was really great. Yeah.
people are being honest
with stuff over there. You know, like a lot of young people
now that are like, for, like, gay rights and women's rights will be like free Palestine,s
free Gaza. And then people on the other side of being like,
oh, oh, gays for Gaza, Oh, go be gay in Gaza. See how they like it over there.
why we're going over there. Like as if that'sver there.
and gay people so much..
gay, just stop bombing them. Like they'llop bombing them.
get to gay, you know, like they're busy. They don't have
the deepest parts of my soul? Like, you can't.
I think I'm bisexual, actually.
We|re spicy Greeks
DiGiorno|s They are bringing back
for the holidays.
and the number topped
Hotline.
a part owner of the Las
himself is still fully owned by the Giants.
I got so intense. This week was National
no broad day, and it was a huge flop.
Don't quack with that. The 90s are back.
America's Best Restroom contest is a service station
the contest is run by trucker
selling a candle
said resembled KKK hoods They replaced it with
are completely removed.
response.
According to nutritionists, the healthiest Halloweents,
that die from touching
them.
have discovered
with three penises. And after a long and complicated
give him a third hand.able
Yeah. Yeah, baby.
Fashion Show returned for the first time in four years
and body positivity.
Sarah Sherman.
Miss me? Did I miss you?
Of course I missed you. Okay, psycho. Listen, Victoria. Listen.
their new show is inclusive. And in many ways, it was.
body types represented.
But here's the problem. They're all perfect tense. Okay.
normal girlies at?t for that?
with anxiety hives and infected belly button rings? Okay.
Oh, it's so inclusive. Really? Well, it's not inclusive for me.
with a resting rabbi face.
Show me someone with a happy trail that wraps
all the way around their back. Like a gorilla. Or someone with, like, Pangea
nipples.
And a nipple. Yeah.
the whole boob and touch together in the middlech
to form a super nipple supercontinent.
medical attention for the last.
I will not play doctor with you.
I want to see. I want to see women
on the runway wearing my type of underwear. What type of underwear is that?
Oh, look at it. Oh, my God, he's so excited.
don't already know from rifling
through my dressing room. Yeah, well, come on. Whenever I take my underwear
following. The sentence like.
It's not what I sniffed. Yes, it is, Queen Elizabeth.
wearing underwear like mine.
and a giant t shirt. I got New Orleansrt.
that says New Orleans.
You wear a diaper? Why did you lick your lips?
I want to see tired Frankie. Busted bitchestired Frankie.
in real underwear.
you buy in packs of 12 at CVS.
after a C-section.
been through hell and back.
at the end of a war.
The kind where. When you throw it on the ground
dropping in everything.y,
Bagel, cream cheese, side down.
Oh, that is so, so gross.
Whoa! Oh, that's gross. Colin. Is it gross in my underwear?
patient's handkerchief.
Papa! There's blood.
Papa. Sarah. Come on.
I am serious. Victoria's secret.
I am serious. Listen up, Victoria's secret. Don't cut to him. You.
long enough.
to you. Please let me be in your shoes.
everything about myself.
Oh, wax! Oh, bleach. Oh, power! Sand my back knee right off.
Anything, Colin. I'll even make new holes.
you've been offering to pay for.
I offered to split it. Sarah Sherman, everyone.
Weekend update on to. I'm Michael Che. Good night. Oh.
Hi, Uber
For Trish.
That's right.
For Trish going to JFK, right?
Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to get to Miami.
It's going to be so fun.
Oh. Oh, y'all going to Miami?
I've heard some things about Miami.
Oh, yeah. Totally.
Miami.
Got them baby cocktails.
Sorry. What's that?
They use babies to sling rock.
Think about it. Because babies can't go to jail.
They slip right through the bars.
Think about it.
Yeah, I guess I never thought about that.
Well, now's the perfect time, because you won't
think about it.
Live from this Chevy Malibu.
Think about it.
The game show is my and my opinions.
And you stuck
here on a game show.
Oh, no, thank you, sir.
We just seen it right at the airport.
Well, lucky for me, I don't pick up on social cues.
Okay.
First question.
Who have they already picked to be president?
Who have they picked?
Who is they?
You know exactly who that is.
Your options are a my man, Donald Trump B.
Come on, come
on. Three.
Gigi Lane Maxwell.
Who is Gigi Lane?
Maxwell. He means Dylan.
He's just a crazy conspiracy theorist.
Let's just not engage. Totally.
I guess my answer is B Kamala Cabello.
Well, how is that right?
You just got to think about it.
Here, watch this YouTube video that has eight views.
Oh, on the sidewalk.
Oh my God.
Oh, yeah. Oh, that's cause we're picking up my friend.
Hey. What's up?
What's up, brother Fabian?
How you doing, man?
All right, hit that rack.
Oh, yeah, this is Anthony.
He's banned from Lyft, and he's the smartest man I know.
If you remind him of the school bus seat back. Oh!
My kneecaps. Oh, Anthony.
Yeah. You go on and do the next question.
Okay. Next question.
Who did they kill with the vaccine?
A O.J.
Simpson two free speech or one?
Gigi Lane, Maxwell's husband. Yeah.
You mean Jeffrey Epstein?
I'm gonna go with Gigi Lane.
That's correct, young lady.
Okay, we got it right.
Trish, I know you're from Nebraska, but stop.
It's even a real game show.
Oh, yeah.
We stream it right now on WhatsApp live,
and we even got prizes. Tell them what they want.
All right. Tiny hot water bottle.
It's not sealed, but it's for tiny hot water bottles.
And why is this water so hot?
Oh, because I keep them between my legs.
Oh, and the sound of my check engine light means
you've made it to our speed round. Yeah, yeah. That's right.
This one's called real or fake. Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
And you?
This is what you tell us.
The real or the fake? Fake? Yeah.
Ready? First one.
Bird's.
Bird's real. Yeah.
All right.
Contrary to what you may have read.
Birds are real.
That's right. Next one. Pigeons.
Fake.
What? Think about it.
You ever see a pigeon outside of New York City,
and you are fully turned around, sir.
Think about. All right. Time's almost up.
Real or fake? The media. The pope.
A driver's license.
Oh, thanks.
I'm sure.
Do you not have a driver's license?
You think Jesus had a driver's license?
Not my Lord and savior.
Okay, the app says that we're somehow two hours away.
Aren't you going to New York? Right?
Nope. JFK.
>> ONCE AGAIN, BILLIE EILISH.
* THINGS FALL APART AND TIME BREAKS YOUR HEART
I WASN'T THERE BUT I KNOW * * SHE WAS YOUR GIRL YOU SHOWED HER THE WORLD
BUT FELL OUT OF LOVE AND YOU BOTH LET GO * * SHE WAS CRYING
ON MY SHOULDER ALL I COULD DO WAS HOLD HER *
* ONLY MADE US CLOSER UNTIL JULY * * NOW I KNOW
THAT YOU LOVE ME YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME *
* I SHOULD PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME SHOULDN'T I? *
* BUT I SEE HER IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ALL THE TIME *
* LIKE A FEVER LIKE I'M BURNING ALIVE LIKE A SIGN *
* DID I CROSS THE LINE? MM-MM-MM MM-MM-MM-MM *
* WELL GOOD THINGS DON'T LAST AND LIFE MOVES SO FAST *
* AND I'D NEVER ASK WHO WAS BETTER * *'CAUSE SHE COULDN 'T BE
MORE DIFFERENT FROM ME HAPPY AND FREE IN LEATHER * * AND I KNOW
THAT YOU LOVE ME YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME *
* WANNA PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME BUT BABY *
* I SEE HER IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ALL THE TIME *
* FEELS LIKE A FEVER LIKE I'M BURNING ALIVE LIKE A SIGN
DID I CROSS THE LINE? * ** * YOU SEE HER IN THE PACK BACK
OF YOUR MIND, AND I * ** **
* YOU SAY NO ONE KNOWS YOU SO WELL BUT EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME
I JUST WONDER HOW SHE FELT * * VALENTINE'S DAY CRYING IN THE HOTEL *
* I KNOW YOU
this weekend.
what friends are for. And cut!
today's a big dayg on.
our first kill scene. So clap those hands.
Halloween rises family. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Myers,.
you ready to kill some teens? Yes, sir. Anyway, so, like we discussed
chatting.ing, Hayley and Lily,
between the last scene and this one, you French
kissed and grinded. So that's in the air. Thank you, Michael Myers.
doors. Then walks up behind you
Everybody ready? Yeah.
and let's slate, please. I mean, write this. Scene four.
Take one. Okay. And action. I don't know, Sasha.
watched lately. Okay. Paranoia.
and watch the movie. Okay.
Okay. Let's cut.
say your name for me again.
It's Jackson. Jackson. Okay, so, Jackson,
your movements are just a little too, theatrical. Oh, I'm sorry about that.
coordinator. Bo.worked on it
Oh, okay. Is Bo close by? Yeah, very close by, actually. Hey, friends. Oh.
I said that Michael Meyers,
he moves slow like molasses. Wow. Molasses
has, like, a kind of sensuality to it. No. No, I don't think it does.
like, stiff and just grounded. Really? Okay, of courseounded.
you hear that? Sharpen it up.
from your entrance. Jackson.
Okay, everybody get set. Ready and action.
Stop! Stop! Stop!
That's beautiful.
They're not beautiful. We're going to do no spin
All right.
Still rolling. Let's go again. Action! Up!
Yeah. Okay. Let's cut.
But that's moving on. Moving on. Not great. No, no. Not moving. Not moving on.
sassy and flirty?der was too.
Siwa, backup dancer. Look, we just need the movement
to be simple. Very deliberate. Okay? So noweliberate. Okay?
Oh, okay. get some direction.
Yeah. Thanks. All right, let's let. Let's shootlet's let.
let's get set and action. Bow.
and a hip and a hip and a body. Roll and a hip hopp and a body.
and a shoulder. Trust and a spin. Great. And you
girls not worth it. Yeah.
Oh, no no no no no. Cat. Cat. She is worth it.
You do have to kill her. You guys actually are fired. Tom, can we get, like,fired.
and try to take. crew
meets opportunity for.
Well, it is just great to me. The other halfst great to me.
that's paying for this wedding. You're here. We're family
now. Amen to that, boy. You two are a hoot. Babe,wo are a hoot.
they're goingre really vibing.
without us. Hello?
block? Oh, we sure did.
mild, medium or hot, Jonathan? Mild, medium or hotel?
Your name's not Beth, is it? Oh, me? No. It's Maggie.
at all.own, Massachusetts, 1987.
I would have been, too. Right. All right. Right.
So you just. You remind me of Beth Israel. Okay, first, I'm here in a Beth.
it was a long time ago. Hi. Yeah.
Just do your clock. Sorry. So, what was Beth like?
Oh, man. Sorry. Man. How much time you've got?
doing a little summer stock production.
Beth worked at the box office. She had hair like yours. Smile like yours, too.
Best damn laugh in the world. Final answer. Okay, what about mine?
Okay. Well, my name's not Beth. And I certainly don'teth.
about leaving things is,
in shambles. My name was Benny. Okay. Wonderful story time.
please?ou. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait wait wait wait wait. What was Benny.
Like? Honey, what was it Benny like? Benny was everythingke?
young to know what you want.
Long hair, thin. Really define gums. The type of guy you could break.
I didn't know then, but know now
that Benny would break me up. What? I was Benny, like.
I was like, I was Benny, too. Beth. Really? She was too good.
Really? I would love to get out of here.
GA production of Sarah? No. She bought all the tickets.
the homeless people in the area. Guess what?
one of them showed up and they gave that Sarah Bird
track standing. Oh, by the way, it was beautiful.
broke out in that seven year old
woman got stabbed. But, you know, before I could ask Beth to marry me,
I kissed her sister. You what? Yeah. You know, it's.
what we do with what we're given that gives us what we get. Wow. Tell me.
Right. I want to I want to write. But she confines me. Excuse me.
You say I'm not a writer. No. I say you need income. That's your point.
Yeah. No, you look okay. Yeah.
have said it like that. So, check, please.
>>> ALL RIGHT. THANKS TO BILLIE EILISH.
MAYA RUDOLPH, ALEC BALDWIN, ANDY SAMBERG. HOW GREAT ARE THESE GUYS?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. DON'T FORGET THESE TWO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.