[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> COME ON, COME ON!
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU FOR THE PRESS TO JOIN
US FOR DOCUMENTING THIS VERY
IMPORTANT PRESIDENTIAL
TRANSITION MEETING.
I'M BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN THOUGH WE DISAGREE, I'M
IGER TO SIT DOWN FOR RESPECTFUL
CONVERSATION.
>> YEAH, GET A LOAD OF ME.
INSTEAD OF BEING RUDE AND CRAZY
LIKE USUAL, I'M DOING QUIET AND
SERENE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHICH IN MANY WAYS IS A LOT
SCARIER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MEAN, I SIT HERE AND SMILE
WHILE IGNORING THE GIANT FIRE
RIGHT BEHIND ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUST LIKE THAT MEME.
CAN WE PUT THAT UP SIDE BY SIDE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE LOVE THIS, A FINE DOG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO ASK YOU REPORTERS
TO LEAVE SO WE CAN MEET ALONE,
AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK DETAILS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE JUST TWO
BOOMERS HERE TALKING ABOUT
NUKES.
WE LOST SOME.
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ANYWAY, HAVE A GOOD DAY.
>> THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
YOU CAN SCREAM YOUR QUESTIONS ON
THE WAY OUT.
>> WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
>> SHOULD I MOVE TO CANADA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT WE'RE
ALONE, LET'S GET TO WORK.
WE'RE GOING TO GO OVER THAT LAST
FEW MONTHS OF THE NATO
BRIEFINGS.
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
>> UGH.
I FORGOT HOW BORING PRESIDENT
IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOVE RUNNING, HATE BEING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HATE THE WHITE HOUSE.
SO OLD, SO DATED, SO MANY OF THE
CARPETS ARE STINKY AND STICKY AT
THE SAME TIME.
SORT OF LIKE BEING AT A REGAL
CINEMAS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW I HAVE TO LIVE HERE FOR THE
NEXT FOUR YEARS, POSSIBLY
LONGER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON, LET'S BE REAL, MAN.
THIS PLACE IS GREAT.
I HAVE SO MANY WONDERFUL
MEMORIES HERE.
DR. JILL, ALSO FOREIGN LEADERS,
MY DOG ATTACKING EVERY SINGLE
ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I BROUGHT MY PARTY TOGETHER, SO
MUCH THEY TEAMED UP AND KICKED
ME OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE I HATE IT HERE TOO.
NO JOKE.
>> I KNOW, IT'S AWFUL.
BUT I CAN'T GO BACK TO
MAR-A-LAGO, JOE, BECAUSE ELON IS
THERE, AND HE WILL NOT LEAVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE "WHAT ABOUT BOB?"
WALKING AROUND IN HIS BATHING
SUIT, SHOWING ME VIDEOS OF
ROCKETS AND MONKEYS WITH
COMPUTERS IN THEIR HEADS.
THE GUY'S CRINGE AF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DONALD, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT
NOW.
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY ANYTHING YOU
WANT TO SAY.
YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH HOW YOU
TALK.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF
SUPERPOWER -- POWER -- PUFF
DADDY, RIDING ON A PONY, CALL IT
MACARONI.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
DID YOU JUST DO THE WEAVE?
>> NO.
OH, COME ON, MAN.
MY OWN VERSION OF THE WEAVE.
I CALL IT THE WANDER.
I GO HERE OR I GO THERE OR I
COME BACK.
GUESS WHAT?
NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL THANKS FOR
YOUR ADVICE, BUT I ALREADY KNOW
HOW TO DO PRESIDENT.
I'D ALL ABOUT SURROUNDING
YOURSELF WITH THE BEST TEAM, AND
I AM VERY FASTLY PICKING THE
MOST EPIC CABINET OF ALL TIME.
THERE'S SOME OF THE MOST DYNAMIC
FREE-THINKING, ANIMAL-KILLING,
SEXUALLY CRIMINAL, MEDICALLY
CRAZY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY.
>> WHO ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
>> WELL, WE'VE GOT ELON AND MATT
GAETZ.
THAT'S AN ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
KRISTI NOEM AND RFK JR.
THEY'RE KILLING THE DOGS,
THEY'RE KILLING THE BEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MELANIA WILL BE WORKING REMOTELY
FROM DIVORCE.
>> I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH
THESE NOMINATIONS.
YOU'RE PICKING A BUNCH OF BACKO.
JACKOSs TO TEST OUT YOUR
POLICIES.
>> YEP, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
ALL PART OF A VERY SMART PLAN
THAT I DEFINITELY THOUGHT OF
BEFORE YOU JUST SAID THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MR. PRESIDENT, IT'S NOT ON
YOUR AGENDA BUT MATT GAETZ IS
HERE TO SEE MR. TRUMP.
>> ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, MR. TRUMP.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
AND YEAH, THANK YOU FOR SEEING
ME.
AND MIGHT I SAY, GIGGITY
GIGGITY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GIGGITY TO YOU AS WELL, MATT.
>> I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU, I
JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR
NOMINATING ME FOR ATTORNEY
GENERAL.
I'M GOING TO DO A GREAT JOB.
IF ANYONE TRIES TO BREAK THE
LAW, I'LL TELL THEM WHAT I TOLD
MY EYEBROWS.
FREEZE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON, ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH
THIS GUY?
THIS GUY'S GIVING ME THE ICK.
>> I KNOW, ME TOO.
BUT I THINK HE'S GOING TO BE
TERRIFIC.
>> OF COURSE, I HAD TO RESIGN
FROM CONGRESS.
BECAUSE THE CONFIRMATION PROCESS
COMES AT THE BUSIEST TIME OF
YEAR FOR ME.
>> THE HOLIDAYS?
>> GIRLS VOLLEYBALL SEASON.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
I'LL LEAVE YOU BE.
YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER JACK KING
HERE TO SEE YOU, RFK JR.
>> BOBBY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, I DON'T MEAN TO
INTERRUPT YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU AGAIN,
I'M SO HONORED TO BE THE HEAD OF
THE HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES.
AMERICANS NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH
THEM HOW TO BE HEALTHY.
SOMEONE LIKE ME, A 70-YEAR-OLD
MAN WITH MOVIE STAR LOOKS AND A
WORM IN HIS BRAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU DO
WITH THIS COUNTRY IN TERMS OF
HEALTH AND WITH REGARD TO
MEASLES OUTBREAK.
>> I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT A WOMAN'S
RIGHT TO CHOOSE.
TO CHOOSE TO GIVE HER CHILD
POLIO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I JUST WISH PEOPLE WOULD TAKE MY
APPOINTMENT SERIOUSLY.
I'VE GOT TO GO.
I'VE GOT A DEAD DOLPHIN IN MY
CAR.
I THINK I'LL DUMP ARE DUMP IT IN
CENTRAL PARK, WE'LL SEE HOW IT
GOES.
THANKS FOR THE JOB.
>> BOBBY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> COME ON, DONALD, LET'S GET
SERIOUS FOR A SECOND.
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I KNOW THE CAMPAIGN WAS ALL
ABOUT RETRIBUTION.
THINK ABOUT THE OPPORTUNITY YOU
HAVE TO RISE ABOVE AND REACH
ACROSS THE AISLE AND USE YOUR
ENORMOUS FORCE OF PERSONALITY.
TO BETTER THE LIVES OF ALL
AMERICANS.
>> I THINK WE'LL BE DOING
RETRIBUTION, BUT THAT'S VERY
INTERESTING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU GOT TO REMEMBER THIS.
YOU GOT OFF EASY.
I THINK WE BOTH KNOW IF I WAS IN
THE RACE, I WOULD HAVE PETTY YOU
LIKE A DRUM.
>> JOE, THAT'S ONE OF THE
CRAZIEST THINGS I'VE EVER ANYONE
SAY.
FOR THAT REASON, I'D LIKE TO
OFFER YOU A POSITION IN MY
CABINET.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NO CAN DO, JACK.
NEED TO MAKE -- TAKE A LITTLE
TIME OFF FROM THIS PLACE.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'LL DO
NEXT, JOE?
WILL YOU RETIRE?
>> I'LL DO WHAT EVERY WORN-DOWN
OLD GUY DOES, I'M GOING TO FIGHT
JAKE PAUL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
¶¶
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
WITH --
MOST AND MUSICAL GUEST CHARLI XCX. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHARLI
XCX!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
MY NAME IS CHARLI XCX.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IF YOU RECOGNIZE ME, YOU MIGHT
KNOW ME FROM MY ALBUM "BRAT."
BUT DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T,
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH
BEING STRAIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY.
SO A LITTLE ABOUT ME.
I ACTUALLY STARTED PERFORMING
WHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG, AND I
PLAYED AT MY FIRST RAVE WHEN I
WAS 15 YEARS OLD.
MY PARENTS ACTUALLY DROVE ME
THERE.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING, HOW DID
I GET MY PARENTS TO DRIVE ME TO
A RAVE?
WELL, I JUST TOLD THEM, "GUYS,
I'VE GOT SWIM PRACTICE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AT 2:00 A.M."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"IN A WAREHOUSE FULL OF GAYS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, SERIOUSLY, I'VE COME A LONG
WAY.
AND TODAY I CONSIDER MYSELF TO
BE A TRIPLE THREAT.
[ CHEERS ]
WHICH IN ENGLAND MEANS I SING, I
DRINK, AND I SMOKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SPEAKING OF SINGING, I WANT TO
TAKE A MOMENT TO THANK SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN THERE FOR ME MY
ENTIRE CAREER, AUTO TUNE.
[ CHEERS ]
AUTO TUNE MAKES EVERYTHING SOUND
BETTER.
EVEN REALLY BAD NEWS LIKE THIS.
WATCH.
¶ I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO HOOK UP
WITH YOUR DAD ¶
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SEE?
I HAVE TO SAY, BRAT SUMMER HAS
BEEN A CRAZY EXPERIENCE.
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME,
WHAT IS BRAT?
HONESTLY, IT'S JUST LIKE AN
ATTITUDE.
IT'S A VIBE.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE NEW MARTHA
STEWART DOCUMENTARY.
WHEN MARTHA GETS MAD ABOUT AN
OLD MAGAZINE ARTICLE AND SHE
SAYS THAT SHE'S GLAD THE ONE WHO
WROTE IT IS DEAD, THAT IS BRAT.
LAST FRIDAY WHEN THAT EXACT
JOURNALIST RESPONDED AND SAID,
HEY, I'M ALIVE, BITCH!
THAT IS EXTREMELY BRAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HONESTLY, THOUGH -- ANYONE CAN
BE BRAT.
>> REALLY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, KYLE MOONEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
KYLE, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND
OF CLUB?
>> PROBABLY TURKEY.
>> OKAY.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF
DRUG?
>> I TAKE CLARITIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OVER THE COUNTER, HARDCORE.
AND IF SOMEONE SPILLED A DRINK
WHEN YOU WERE AT THE CLUB, WOULD
WHY YOU SAY?
>> "NO WORRIES, CARRY ON,
MILADY."
>> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, AM I
BRAT?
>> NO.
>> ALL GOOD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KEEPING IT REAL IS VERY BRAT.
BRAT IS ALL ABOUT BEING
VULNERABLE.
SO TRULY, THIS IS A DREAM COME
TRUE.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
AND I'M NOT USED TO BEING OUT
THIS EARLY ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT FOR YOU GUYS, IT'S WORTH IT.
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A GREAT SEW
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OKAY, AND THE FINAL ANSWER
IN "GUESS THAT BABY FOOD" IS --
GERBER PUREED BEEF AND HAM!
>> OKAY, ME ACTUALLY LIKING IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, THAT WAS SO FUN.
OKAY, SWITCHING GEARS.
LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE
TO THE MILF OF THE HOUR, MY
COUSIN KELSEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AWW!
LOVE YOU!
YOU KILLED REHAB!
WELCOME BACK.
>> LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT THE
PAPA TO BE.
KIDDING.
JUST FOUR WEEKS TILL WE MEET OUR
LITTLE ONE.
>> I WOULD NOW LIKE TO INVITE UP
KELSEY'S BESTIES, AKA KEL-SQUAD!
>> WHAT UP?
INSTEAD OF A GIFT, WE'RE GOING
TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR
Y'ALL BECAUSE WE'RE A LITTLE BIT
ARTISTIC AND A LITTLE BIT
RANDOM.
>> LAST MONTH, WE TOOK KELSEY ON
ONE LAST GIRL'S TRIP, A BESTIES
BABYMOON.
>> I THINK THE BABYMOON IS
NORMALLY FOR THE COUPLE BUT
QUEENS GOTTA BE QUEENS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LET'S JUST SAY KELSEY WAS HOT
TO GO ON OUR VACAY, SO WE WROTE
A SPECIAL SONG ABOUT IT.
THEY SAY EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN
TEXAS.
>> BUT KELSEY'S ALREADY EFFING
HUGE, SO WE WENT TO MIAMI!
>> FIVE, SIX, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN,
EIGHT!
¶ KELSEY IS OUR BESTIE GOT TO BE
A MAMA ¶
¶ SO WE TOOK A TRIP IN MY
HYUNDAI SONATA ¶
¶ JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT
DON'T MEAN YOU'RE A BEGANMY ¶
¶ KELSEY COULDN'T FLY SO WE
DROVE TO MIAMI ¶
¶ WE WENT TO THE SPA BUT KELSEY
GOT TO TOP IT ALL ¶
¶ WE SAY KELSEY GET OFF YOUR
PHONE ¶
¶ BECAUSE WE KNOW WHO SHE'S
TEXTING KNOW WHO SHE'S TEXTING ¶
¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ¶
¶ SHE'S SENDING HIM HER PREGNANT
NEWS ¶
>> WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?
>> OH, MY GOD, BABE, JUST LISTEN
TO THE WHOLE SONG BEFORE YOU
MAKE, LIKE, A SNAP JUDGMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, WELL THE SONG JUST
STARTED AND WE'RE ALREADY AT
PREGNANT NEWS.
¶ DANCING AT THE CLUB KELSEY'S
HAD IT ¶
¶ TAKE HER TO THE BATHROOM AND
SHE JUST STARTS SHOUTING ¶
¶ SHE SAYS EIGHT MONTHS AGO IS A
LITTLE BIT HAZY ¶
¶ I'M 90% SURE IT'S NOT
DOMINGO'S BABY ¶
>> WAIT, WHAT?
THERE'S A CHANCE IT ISN'T EVEN
MY KID?
>> HEY, BABE, ARE YOU LISTENING?
I SAID 90% NOT HIS BABY.
TRUST THE MATH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
¶ NOW WE CAN FINALLY SEE WHY
KELSEY BROUGHT US TO MIAMI ¶
¶ SHE HAS THE ADDRESS OF HIS
CHILDHOOD HOME ¶
¶ SHE NEEDS TO TELL FAMILY THEY
COMPLETELY EMBRACE HER ¶
>> IS THE POINT OF THIS SONG
THAT YOU SAW DOMINGO IN MIAMI?
>> NO, THE POINT IS IT IS HOT TO
GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ¶
¶ KELSEY'S LEARNING ESPANOL ¶
¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ¶
¶ GET ON YOUR DUOLINGO ¶
>> I KNEW I HEARD YOU SPEAKING
SPANISH THE BATHROOM.
¶ WE DON'T KNOW WHERE KELSEY'S
BEEN ¶
¶ LOOK HER UP ON FIND MY
FRIENDS ¶
¶ SHE'S STANDING IN THE OCEAN
LIKE SHE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ¶
¶ THEN SHE PULLS OUT THE
SONOGRAM ¶
¶ SHE SAYS WE CAME TO MIAMI
'CAUSE SHE FOUND OUT THE
PATERNITY ¶
¶ THE DOCTOR SAYS IT IS TWINS
AND ONE IS MATTHEW'S AND ONE IS
DOMINGO'S ¶
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT IS BIOLOGICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE.
>> OKAY, MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY
DAY.
>> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A
QUESTION, AND I WANT YOU TO BE
HONEST WITH ME.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW
DOMINGO?
>> IT IS TODAY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶ HEY MY BROTHER AREN'T YOU
HAPPY ¶
¶ HEARING FROM DOMINGO WE BOTH
ARE DADDIES ¶
¶ DOMINGO GONNA BE IN YOUR LIFE
FOREVER ¶
¶ WE'LL RAISE OUR BABIES IN
MIAMI TOGETHER ¶
>> WAIT, WE'RE MOVING TO MIAMI?
>> YEAH.
IF YOU WANT TO COPARENT.
>> CAN WE HAVE A WATER BIRTH?
I HAVE A HOT TUB!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> AUDIENCES CANNOT WAIT TO SEE
THE STAR-STUDDED CAST OF
"WICKED."
ACTORS ACROSS HOLLYWOOD
AUDITIONED TO STEP FOOT IN OZ.
HERE ARE THEIR NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN
SCREEN TESTS.
>> READING FOR BELINDA.
¶ POPULAR YOU GOTTA BE POPULAR ¶
¶ I'M STILL A BAD GIRL ¶
>> OKAY, TESTING FOR ELPHABA,
ADELE.
>> HELLO, CAN I TAKE MY SHOES
OFF?
>> OKAY, ADELE.
>> OKAY, WICKED.
OH, MY GOD, I SAID THE NAME OF
THE BLOODY MOVIE!
SHUT UP, THAT'S [ BLEEP ] FUNNY.
>> NEXT, SHANNON SHARPE.
>> WHAT'S UP, THE GREENWICH IS
THE GOOD ONE, THE GOOD WITCH,
THE BAD WITCH?
OH, ELPHABA, YOU TELLING ME YOU
MADE MONKEYS FLY?
COME ON, ELPHABA.
>> FRAN LEBOWITZ.
>> PRETEND IT'S AN EMERALD CITY.
IT'S AN EMERALD CITY BUT IT'S A
YELLOW BRICK ROAD.
SAY, DING DONG THE WITCH IS
DEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU, A DOORBELL?
>> SYDNEY SWEENEY.
>> HI, ARE YOU LIKE A WIZARD OR
WHATEVER?
RANDOM.
>> BERNIE SANDERS FOR THE MAYOR
OF MUNCHKINLAND.
>> WE ARE SENDING MILLIONS AND
BILLIONS TO THE WIZARD,
MEANWHILE, THE MUNCHKINS ARE
LIVING PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK.
>> SEBASTIAN MANISCALO.
>> I TAKE MY FIRST LITTLE STEP
INTO DIVERSITY, YOU HEARD OF
THIS?
THEY GOT A GOAT FOR A TEACHER?
GET OUT OF HERE!
TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
>> MARTHA STEWART.
>> SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN WICKED,
WHILE OTHERS HAVE WICKEDNESS
THRUST UPON THEM.
SOMEONE THRUST UPON ME ONCE.
WONDERFUL IRISHMAN.
>> READING FOR GLINDA AND
ELPHABA, CHARLI XCX AND TROY
SABAN.
>> CAN I CALL YOU ELSIE?
>> NO.
>> I'M A BITCH AND YOU'RE A
WITCH.
I'M CONFUSED.
>> I'M NOT A WITCH, I'M A TOP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT IS AL PACINO.
>> OH, THERE'S MUNCHKINS IN
THIS, RIGHT?
MAYBE I COULD SAY SOMETHING
LIKE, "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE
FRIEND."
YOU KNOW, I DIED ONCE.
AND THERE WAS NOTHING.
>> NEXT UP, LESLIE MANN.
>> EWW, WHY ARE YOU GREEN?
I WOULD LOVE TO BE GREEN.
UM, I'M, LIKE, A MOM.
>> JANET JACKSON READING FOR
ELPHABA.
>> WHAT MOVIE IS THIS FOR?
>> IT'S FOR "WICKED."
>> I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS.
>> MIKEY MADISON FROM "ANORA."
>> HEY, BABY, YOU WANT TO GO TO
A PRIVATE ROOM AND MEET THE
WIZARD?
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CASH?
LET'S GO TO AN ATM IN OZ.
>> BAD BUNNY SCREEN TESTING FOR
FIERO.
¶¶
>> THAT'S GREAT.
ANY CHANCE WE COULD GET IT AGAIN
IN ENGLISH?
>> NO.
¶ AAHHH ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WE NOW RETURN TO THE
THANKSGIVING BAKING
CHAMPIONSHIP.
>> OKAY, BAKERS.
TIME IS UP.
TODAY'S THEME WAS THANKSGIVING
BOUNTY, AND YOU HAD TWO HOURS TO
CREATE CAKES WORTH GIVING THANKS
FOR.
AND AS AN EXTRA CHALLENGE, YOU
HAD TO INCLUDE A MECHANICAL
ELEMENT TO BRING YOUR CAKE TO
LIFE.
FIRST UP IS HOME BAKER LEO.
>> HI, JUDGES.
I LOVE THANKSGIVING, AND I
CORNA-HOPE-IA YOU LOVE MY CAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE ADORABLE.
TELL US WHAT YOU'VE MADE.
>> WELL, MY CAKE HONORS THE MAN
WHO ORGANIZED THE FIRST
THANKSGIVING.
THE GOVERNOR OF PLYMOUTH, MR.
WILLIAM BRADFORD.
HE MAY BE A PURITAN, BUT THIS
CAKE IS PURE DELICIOUS.
THE TEMPERED CHOCOLATE HAT,
MARSHMALLOW BEARD, AND SWEETENED
CORNMEAL OR SHOULD I SAY MAIZE
MEAL.
>> WOW, ALL THAT IN TWO HOURS?
>> YES, SIR.
SOMEHOW, I DID.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IT.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MESSED UP.
>> LEO, SWEETIE, WHAT HAPPENED?
>> UM -- I THINK TIME GOT AWAY
FROM ME, AND ALSO, I THINK I
MIGHT BE STUPID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I GET THAT, YEAH.
IS THE POPCORN ON ITS HEAD
SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAIZE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAIZE IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR
MECHANICAL ELEMENT?
>> OH, OH, RIGHT, YEAH.
YOU GUYS, JUST LET ME TURN IT
ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT
TO HAPPEN?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEANT.
I'VE EMBARRASSED MYSELF AND MY
WHOLE BRAND.
>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> I'M FROM HERE.
GOOD-BYE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
NEXT UP, FROM ACROSS THE POND,
LET'S SAY HI TO JULIANNA.
>> HELLO.
FIRST OF ALL, PUMPED TO BE HERE.
AND SECONDLY, WE BRITS, WE DON'T
HAVE THANKSGIVING.
SO THIS MAY GET A BIT HAIRY.
>> WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
WHAT YOU MADE?
>> WITH PLEASURE.
BASICALLY, MADE THE FIRST THING
I THOUGHT OF, WHICH IS TURKEY.
SO THIS HANDSOME BOY, THE
HAZELNUT FONDANT DRESSED WITH
IRIDESCENT ICING, HIS WATTLE
MADE FROM STICKY COFFEE.
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, AM I RIGHT?
>> WOW.
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.
>> IT DOES SOUND LIKE THAT,
DOESN'T IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, LET'S SEE IT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
TA-DA!
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>> WOW.
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU DESCRIBED AT
ALL.
>> YEAH, IT'S BAD.
>> CAN WE SEE YOUR ANIMATED
ELEMENT?
>> MM, NOT SURE YOU WANT TO SEE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH -- OH MY -- CAN WE SW
THIS ON TV?
>> DON'T ASK ME, I'M JUST THE
CAKE MAKER.
>> OKAY, WELL LET'S GO AHEAD AND
TASTE YOUR CAKE.
>> OH, OH, OH, IS THAT ACTUAL
TURKEY MEAT?
>> IT MIGHT BE YES, SORRY ABOUT
THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS YOUR CAKE
DOING NOW?
>> OH, THAT'S THE STUFFING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK ITS BODY IS REJECTING
IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DEAR GOD.
LET'S GO TO SANDY.
>> HELLO, JUDGES.
I HATE TO TOOT MY OWN CAKE, BUT
I THINK WHAT I DID TODAY IS A
THANKSGIVING FEAST FOR THE EYES.
>> OKAY.
>> NEXT UP IS RALPH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT?
THAT'S IT?
WHY?
>> YOU JUST WANT IT TOO BAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN
HER CAKE, WHICH IS RUINING
THANKSGIVING.
OKAY?
OH, MY GOD, IT JUST RETCHED AT
ME.
>> SANDY, THAT'S ON YOU.
FINALLY, WE GO TO RALPH.
>> WE'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN HERE
TODAY, AND THANKSGIVING IS FUN.
IT'S ALSO A TIME FOR CONNECTION
WITH FAMILY.
A FAMILY THAT MIGHT NOT ALWAYS
SEE EYE TO EYE.
WITH A LITTLE LUCK AND PATIENCE,
WE MIGHT JUST BE ABLE TO SEE
HEART TO HEART.
THAT'S WHY I MADE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND YOU USED DARK CHOCOLATE?
>> YES, MA'AM.
AND THE TURKEY IS A NINE-INCH
DILDO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW.
WE HAVE A TOUGH DECISION TO
MAKE, YEAH?
>> HOW?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶ THERE IS SOMETHING ON MY MIND FOR A LONG TIME ¶ ¶ A SPECIAL PASSION OF MINE I DO
IT EVERY CHANCE THAT I FIND ¶
¶ SO NEXT TIME YOU WALK PAST AND
THROW AWAY YOUR TRASH ¶
¶ I'LL PICK UP THE PHONE AND
THEN DO WHAT I DO BEST ¶
¶ NOW HERE I GO I'MA REPORT YOU
TO THE COPS ¶
¶ HERE I GO
I'MA REPORT YOU TO THE COPS ¶
¶ AND ALL MY NEIGHBORS THINK I'M
RIGHT ¶
¶ I'VE BEEN ITCHING TO DO SOME
SNITCHING ¶
¶ IN MY KITCHEN IT'S MY
CONDITION ¶
¶ PICKING UP THAT PHONE ¶
¶ AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO THIS ANYMORE ¶
¶ BUT DOES IT HELP TO KNOW THAT
WHO I SNITCHED ON WAS WHITE ¶
¶ WE CAN ALL RELAX AND ENJOY
THIS INCREDIBLE SONG ¶
¶ ABOUT CAUSING THE PIGS TO
[ BLEEP ] ¶
¶ HAVING THE CAKE AND EATING IT
TOO ¶
¶ I BAKED THE CAKE AND ATE THE
CAKE ¶
¶ HELL, YEAH HELL, YEAH HELL,
YEAH HELL, YEAH ¶
¶ NOW HERE I GO
I'MA REPORT YOU TO THE COPS ¶
¶ THEY'RE ALL WHITE ¶
¶ HERE I GO
I'MA REPORT YOU TO THE COPS ¶
¶ GONNA SLEEP LIKE A BABY
TONIGHT NOW MAKE WAY FOR MY
WIFE ¶
¶ NOW HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE
'CAUSE I'M GONNA CALL ¶
¶ THEY'RE GONNA ROLL UP ANY
MINUTE ¶
¶ I PAY MY [ BLEEP ] TAXES ¶
¶ THEY CAN ONLY MAKE ME FEEL
GIDDY ¶
¶ PULL UP WITHIN TWO CENTIMETERS
OF MY DRIVEWAY BITCH ¶
¶ WE HAVE NO ONE LIKE YOU TO
SHOW UP THE WAY WE DO ¶
¶ WHEN I GET MY BINOCULARS ON
THE FRONT LAWN I SAW YOU
LOOKING ¶
¶ HAVE FUN AT CENTRAL BOOKING ¶
¶ NOW HERE I GO
I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE COPS ¶
¶ THE COP YEAH THE COP THE
COPITY COP ¶
¶ THE COPITY COP ¶
¶ THEN I WALK OUTSIDE LIKE
WHAT'S GOING ON ¶
¶ EVERYONE'S GONNA KNOW IT WAS
ME ¶
¶ BUT THEY CAN'T SAY [ BLEEP ]
BECAUSE I REPORTED IT
ANONYMOUSLY ¶
¶ HERE I GO
I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE COPS ¶
¶ BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'LL
SHOW UP FOR THAT COURT DATE
YEAH ¶
¶ HERE I GO ¶
¶ HELL YA ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> RACKED READY RIZZED, IT'S
BANGER BOYZ.
>> WHAT IS UP, EVERYBODY?
WELCOME TO BANGER BOYZ, THE
PODCAST THAT GOES HARD EVERY
SINGLE WEEK.
I'M MARK.
THAT'S DUGIN AND P.J.
HEY, GUYS.
PLUS OVER HERE OUR PRODUCER
CARA.
>> HEY.
>> SO GUYS, WE GOT A LOT TO
COVER TODAY.
DUGIN'S GOT A HILARIOUS STORY
ABOUT GETTING HIS SAC PUNCHED BY
AN INSTA BADDIE.
>> YEAH!
>> THEN WE'LL DISCUSS HOW THEY
BUILT THE PYRAMIDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FIRST, HOW ABOUT OUR MAN TRUMP,
HUH?
>> OH, DUDE, HE'S AWESOME.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WAS ON OUR
PAD CAST LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO.
>> I DON'T WANT TO JINX IT BUT I
FEEL TRUMP COULD ACTUALLY WIN
THIS THING.
>> DUGIN.
HE DID WIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ELECTION WAS LAST TUESDAY, BUD.
>> HE WON?
OH, BRO, THAT'S SO SICK, DUDE!
>> YEAH, IT IS, DUDE.
BEFORE WE GET INTO ALL THAT,
LET'S HEAR FROM THE SPONSORS,
CARA.
>> BANGER BOYZ IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY CARGO CONDOMS, THE ONLY
CARGOS WITH POCKETS.
CARGO CONDOMS.
AND ZYN JUNIOR, NICOTINE PATCHES
FOR KIDS, CHERRY FLAVORS, ZYN
JUNIOR.
>> SICK.
SO YEAH, TRUMP'S PRESIDENT NOW,
AND HE LIKE SAID BEING ON
"BANGER BOYZ" HELPED HIM WITH
YOUNG VOTERS.
>> THAT IS SO SICK, DUDE.
>> WE GOT TO HANG WITH HIM, THAT
WAS WILD.
>> I KNOW, RIGHT?
WE DID THE PODCAST ON HIS PLANE,
SO BALLER.
>> YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME, DUDE.
THEY ASKED US TO MEET AT THE
SECRET AIRPORT, AND IT'S CALLED
TITTYBABY.
>> DUGIN, IT'S CALLED TETERBORO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> RIGHT, BUT WE WERE ON HIS
PLANE AND WE TALKED TO TRUMP FOR
TWO HOURS.
WHEN IT WAS OVER, HE KICKED US
OFF THE PLANE IN GRAND RAPIDS,
MICHIGAN, AND WE HAD TO, LIKE,
FIND OUR OWN WAY BACK, IT WAS SO
SICK.
>> YEAH.
THAT GREYHOUND BUS SMELLED
CRAZY.
>> TOTAL ROAD TRIP.
GUYS, WE GOT TO TALK MIKE TYSON,
BUT FIRST SOME SPONSORS.
>> "BANGER BOYZ" IS SPONSORED BY
TOPGOLF.
FIND OUT WHICH OF YOUR
CO-WORKERS IS AN ALCOHOLIC BY
TOPGOLF.
AND BY MALE CHIMP.
DO YOU HAVE A FEMALE CHIMP AND
NEED A MALE ONE?
WELL, THIS GUY NAMED DOUG HAS A
MALE CHIMP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WAIT, DUGIN, IS THAT YOUR
PHONE?
>> WHOA, SORRY, BRO, YEAH.
IT SAYS IT'S FROM MAR-A-LAGO.
>> WHOA, ANSWER IT, BRO.
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT.
HELLO?
HI, SIR.
YEAH.
OH, OKAY, COOL.
OH!
>> WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
>> OH, DUDE.
THAT WAS TRUMP.
HE SAID THAT HE'S MAKING ME THE
SECRETARY OF THE CONVERSE.
>> WHOA!
>> MAN, WHOA.
>> WAIT.
SECRETARY OF COMMERCE?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> I THINK IT MEANS HE'S IN
CHARGE OF ALL THE COMMERCIALS.
>> WHOA!
ALL OF THEM?
>> I THINK SO, YEAH.
>> YEAH, BRO, FIRST THING I'M
GOING TO DO IN OFFICE, I'M GOING
TO FIRE THAT LITTLE GEICO SNAKE.
>> SNAKE?
IT'S A GECKO.
>> IT'S A SNAKE, BRO, A SNAKE
WITH LITTLE LEGS.
>> SNAKES DON'T HAVE LEGS.
REMEMBER?
THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM SNAKES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'LL AGREE TO DISAGREE, MY
BROTHER.
>> HEY, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S
WHAT SECRETARY OF COMMERCE IS
ABOUT.
I THINK IT'S ABOUT, LIKE,
INTERNATIONAL TRADE.
>> WHAT?
>> RELAX.
RELAX.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT FRIDAY'S FIGHT.
JAKE PAUL IS OBVIOUSLY A FRIEND
OF THE POD, AND HIS BEARD RULES.
IS IT WEIRD HE FOUGHT MIKE
TYSON?
THE GUY'S 58 YEARS OLD.
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
MY DAD'S 64 AND STILL KICKS MY
ASS EVERY WEEK.
>> DUGGEN, FOR REAL?
>> YEAH, LIKE ON WEDNESDAY I
CALLED HIM WUSS AND HE THREW
THEY OFF OUR DECK.
YEAH.
I HIT MY HEAD SO HARD, I DON'T
TASTE ANYMORE.
MY DAD'S HILARIOUS.
>> SO CRAZY.
ANOTHER SPONSOR, CARA?
>> "BANGER BOYZ" IS SPONSORED BY
WARM SPONGES.
COLD PLUNGES JUST GOT A HELL OF
A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE WITH WARM
PLUNGES.
AND BY PUBE WHACKER.
BE VERY CAREFUL WITH PUBE
WHACKER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HOLD UP.
THAT'S MY PHONE.
HELLO?
YES, SIR.
UM -- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
OKAY.
YOU TOO, SIR.
>> SO?
>> THAT WAS TRUMP.
I'M THE NEW AMBASSADOR TO IRAN.
>> WHOA!
>> P.J., YOU ARE GOING TO BODY
THAT JOB, DUDE!
>> SO COOL, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO DO
THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU THINK I HAVE TO, LIKE, LIVE
THERE?
>> NO, MAYBE YOU CAN DO IT ON
ZOOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, LET'S PAUSE AND LET
P.J. FIGURE THIS OUT.
THEN DUGIN AND I ARE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT HOW THE PYRAMIDS WERE
CREATED.
>> ALIENS.
>> NO, IT'S A PULLEY SYSTEM.
IT'S LIKE ROPES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S
CHARLI XCX!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
¶ I WENT MY OWN WAY
AND I MADE IT
I'M YOUR FAVORITE REFERENCE
BABY ¶
¶ CALL ME GABBRIETTE
YOU'RE SO INSPIRED
AHH AHH ¶
¶ I'M TECTONIC
MOVES I MAKE 'EM
SHOCK YOU LIKE
DEFIBRILLATORS ¶
¶ NO STYLE I CAN'T RELATE
I'LL ALWAYS BE THE ONE
AHH ¶
¶ DROP DOWN YEAH
PUT THE CAMERA FLASH ON
SO STYLISH
BABY TEE IS ALL GONE ¶
¶ DROP DOWN YEAH
LOOKIN' LIKE AN ICON
WORK ANGLES ¶
¶ YEAH 360
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIRROR
DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? ¶
¶ WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIRROR
YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT ¶
¶ I'M EVERYWHERE
I'M SO JULIA
AH-AH AHH ¶
¶ WHEN YOU'RE IN THE PARTY
B-B-BUMPIN' THAT BEAT
666 WITH A PRINCESS STREAK ¶
¶ I'M EVERYWHERE
I'M SO JULIA HEY
AH-AH AHH ¶
¶¶
¶ BUMPIN' THAT
BUMPIN' THAT
BUMPIN' THAT ¶
¶ THAT CITY
SEWER SLUT'S THE VIBE
INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED ¶
¶ I SET THE TONE
IT'S MY DESIGN
AND HEY HEY ¶
¶ LEGACY IS UNDEBATED
YOU GON' JUMP
IF A.G. MADE IT ¶
¶ IF YOU LOVE IT
IF YOU HATE IT
I DON'T I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU THINK ¶
¶ DROP DOWN YEAH
PUT THE CAMERA FLASH ON
SO STYLISH
BABY TEE IS ALL GONE ¶
¶ DROP DOWN YEAH
LOOKIN' LIKE AN ICON
WORK ANGLES ¶
¶ YEAH 360
WHEN YOU 'RE IN THE MIRROR
DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? ¶
¶ WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIRROR
YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT ¶
¶ I'M EVERYWHERE
I'M SO JULIA
AH-AH AHH ¶
¶ WHEN YOU'RE IN THE PARTY
B-B-BUMPIN' THAT BEAT
666 WITH A PRINCESS STREAK ¶
¶ I'M EVERYWHERE
YEAH
AH-AH AHH ¶
¶¶
¶ BUMPIN' THAT
THAT'S RIGHT
BUMPIN' THAT
AH-AH AHH ¶
¶ BUMPIN' THAT
BUMPIN' THAT
AH-AH AHH ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS WEEK, DONALD TRUMP
CONTINUED TO ANNOUNCE EVERYONE
HE'S GOING TO FIRE IN SIX
MONTHS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP NOMINATED KRISTI NOEM TO
LEAD THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND
SECURITY, LEE ZELDIN TO HEAD THE
EPA, AND ELISE STEFANIK AS
AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N.
THEN SOMEONE YELLS," NOW DO A
SILLY ONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
ON WEDNESDAY, TRUMP NOMINATED
MATT GAETZ FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL
AND GAETZ SAID THE SAME THING HE
DOES WHEN HE SEES A TEENAGE
GIRL.
"I'LL DO IT."
[ MOANS AND LAUGHTER ]
GAETZ, WHO WAS CREATED WHEN
FRANKENSTEIN RAPED DRACULA --
[ MOANS AND LAUGHTER ]
-- WAS CHOSEN FOR ATTORNEY
GENERAL AFTER TRUMP REMEMBERED
THAT HIS ORIGINAL PICK WAS FOUND
DEAD IN A JAIL CELL.
[ MOANS ]
>>> ELON MUSK IS REPORTEDLY
SPENDING NEARLY EVERY DAY WITH
DONALD TRUMP AT MAR-A-LAGO, BUT
DON'T WORRY, ELON WILL LEAVE AS
SOON AS HE FINISHES LISTING ALL
THE DINOSAURS IN ALPHABETICAL
ORDER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ELON MUSK'S NEW DEPARTMENT OF
GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY POSTED A
JOB LISTING SAYING THEY ARE
LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WILLING TO
WORK 80-PLUS HOURS A WEEK FOR NO
MONEY.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE SURPRISED THE
WHITE AFRICAN GUY'S FIRST IDEA
IS SLAVERY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> CONGRATULATIONS TO ROBERT F.
KENNEDY JR., WHO BECAME THE
FIRST BRAIN WORM SURVIVOR
NOMINATED TO A CABINET-LEVEL
POSITION.
KENNEDY, WHOSE SKIN IS ALWAYS
COOKED TO A PERFECT MEDIUM RARE,
WILL LEAD THE DEPARTMENT OF
HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES.
AND I KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE A LOT
OF EXPERIENCE, BUT I SAY WE GIVE
HIM A SHOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> DONALD TRUMP HAS SELECTED
PETE HEGSETH TO BE HIS SECRETARY
OF DEFENSE.
HEGSETH IS COHOST OF "FOX &
FRIENDS WEEKENDS," WHICH IS
BROADCAST EXCLUSIVELY ON CPAP
MACHINES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN AND DONALD
TRUMP, SEEN HERE BURNING THE
LAST OF THEIR CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
-- MET AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR
ALMOST TWO HOURS.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, 90 MINUTES OF
THAT WAS JUST THEM STRUGGLING TO
STAND UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> RUDY GIULIANI, WHO OWES $150
MILLION TO GEORGIA ELECTION
WORKERS, HAS TURNED OVER HIS
1980 MERCEDES-BENZ, HIS WATCH
COLLECTION, AND DIAMOND RING.
SO NOW HE OWES $150 MILLION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT SOME
CRITICS OF DONALD TRUMP ARE
PREPARING GO BAGS IN CASE THEY
HAVE TO SUDDENLY FLEE THE
COUNTRY.
WHICH I THINK IS STUPID, BUT
COLINO JUSTINI --
[ LAUGHTER ]
THINKS THAT IT IS --
[ SPEAKING ITALIAN ]
>>> THE WINNER OF A DONE CONTEST
TO CREATE A NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM
IS A SONG CALLED "LET THEM FLY,"
WHICH IS A ROUSING INSPIRATIONAL
SONG ABOUT AN IMMIGRANT
CATAPULT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR PHIL
MURPHY HAS DECLARED A DROUGHT
WARNING AND HAS URGED RESIDENTS
TO REDUCE WATER CONSUMPTION,
WHICH ISN'T A BIG DEAL SINCE NEW
JERSEY RESIDENTS ONLY BATHE IN
CVS COLOGNE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S MY UNDERSTANDING, COLIN.
>>> LAST NIGHT, JAKE PAUL AND
MIKE TYSON TEAMED UP TO DEFEAT
EVERYONE WATCHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> JOE EXOTIC, AKA THE TIGER
KING, PENNED A LETTER TO DONALD
TRUMP ASKING, ONCE AGAIN, TO BE
PARDONED AND RELEASED FROM
PRISON.
HERE TO COMMENT IS JOE EXOTIC!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY!
I'M BACK.
OH, IT'S NICE TO BE OUT OF MY
CAGE.
>> YES, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU
AFTER SO LONG.
HOW'S JAIL?
>> I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE,
CHE.
ALL I DID WAS TAKE FOR MY CATS,
MAKE LOVE TO MY TWO STRAIGHT
HUSBANDS, AND TRY TO KILL CAROLE
BASKIN MULTIPLE TIMES.
I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW PETER VERY
WELL THE PAST FEW YEARS.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'M A
PETER-PHILE.
YOU CAN PRINT THAT.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO US
PRINT THAT, MAN.
>> ALL I EVER WANTED TO DO WAS
TO LIVE IN PEACE AND HARMONY
WITH THE ANIMALS.
OH, NO!
ETHAN, DOWN!
>> IS THAT A TIGER?
>> SHOOT IT, CHE!
SHOOT IT!
>> I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
>> YOU CAN'T GET A GUN TO WORK,
THIS IS AMERICA OR EUROPE,
FRANCE?
>> DID YOU SERIOUSLY BRING A
TIGER WITH YOU?
>> HE FOLLOWED ME.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT JOE EXOTIC
ATTRACTS BIG CATS AND POOR GUYS
WHO WANT TO BE GAY FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I AM CURIOUS, BUT I'M NOT
POOR.
WHAT, WHAT?
FORGET THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I CAN WORK WITH THAT.
>> CALM DOWN.
IN YOUR LETTER THIS WEEK, YOU
ALSO ASKED TO BE A MEMBER OF
TRUMP'S CABINET?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I HAVE THE PERFECT EXPERIENCE TO
BE THE DIRECTOR OF FISH AND
WILDLIFE.
CHE, YOU EVER BEEN IN A "LIFE OF
PI" SITUATION?
>> NO, WHAT'S THAT?
>> WHEN YOU'RE STUCK ON A BOAT
WITH A TIGER AND YOUR INDIAN
BOYFRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE APPEALING TO TRUMP FOR
YOUR PARDON.
DIDN'T YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT
FROM JAIL AS A DEMOCRAT?
>> I DID, BUT LIKE MY MULLET, MY
POLITICS ARE COUNTRY OVER PARTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, ETHAN, DOWN!
SHOOT IT WITH YOUR PENCIL!
OH, I'M DEAD!
>> YOUR LION SEEMS REALLY
DANGEROUS, MAN.
>> WHY, BECAUSE I LIVE WITH
TIGERS ON XANAX, AND BECAUSE I
TAKE A BUNCH OF XANAX, SO THE
TIGERS ARE INSANE AND MY
REACTION TIME IS INCREDIBLY
SLOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHY.
I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK ON
YOUR PARDON.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY?
>> THERE IS.
¶¶
LOOK.
I'M NOT A PERFECT PERSON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS THAT IT?
>> NO, THERE'S MORE.
¶¶
I MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES.
BUT CHE, THIS IS AMERICA.
AND WHAT IS AMERICA BUT AN
ILLEGAL ZOO RUN BY A MESSED-UP
POLYCUE?
AND THIS ISN'T RELATED TO
ANYTHING, BUT HOW HOT ARE THE
GUYS THAT I POLL?
LOOK IT UP, IT'S CRAZY.
AND THAT'S WHAT AMERICA IS ALL
ABOUT.
>> JOE EXOTIC, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> CHE, SHOOT IT!
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
>> SHOOT IT.
>>> A SPIRIT AIRLINES FLIGHT WAS
FORCED TO DIVERT AFTER IT WAS
STRUCK BY GUNFIRE FROM GANGS
WHILE TRYING TO LAND IN HAITI.
A RARE SETBACK FOR PEOPLE WHO
FLY SPIRIT TO HAITI.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> SCIENTISTS ARE CONCERNED
THAT OVER THE COURSE OF 180
MILLION YEARS, THE Y CHROMOSOME
HAS DECLINED AND THAT MEN COULD
GO EXTINCT IN 6 MILLION YEARS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
SO LADIES, HANG IN THERE, YOU'LL
GET YOUR LITTLE PRESIDENT.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>> A CHEER, A CHEER.
>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF VISITORS
TO DISNEY WORLD ARE COMPLAINING
THE WATER RIDE BAYOU ADVENTURE
IS LEAVING THEM TOO WET.
WHICH IS A COMPLAINT USUALLY
RESERVED FOR GASTON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS RESIGNING
AFTER HE FAILED TO REPORT SEXUAL
ABUSE CASES AT A CHRISTIAN
SUMMER CAMP, SO FROM NOW ON THEY
WILL LIST IT IN THE OFFICIAL
ITINERARY.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>>> McHALE HAS APOLOGIZED AFTER
MISTAKENLY PRINTING THE WEB
ADDRESS OF A PORN SITE ON THE
PACKAGE OF NEW "WICKED" DOLLS.
A SIMPLE MISTAKE.
THE BOX WAS SUPPOSED TO READ
"WICKEDMOVIE.COM."
INSTEAD THEY PRINTED
"CHOKEMEJEFFGOLDBLUM.COM!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> EXPERTS ARE SAYING THE BEST
WAY TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP
IS CUT OUT CAFFEINE TEN HOURS
BEFORE BED, ALCOHOL THREE HOURS
BEFORE, WORK TWO HOURS BEFORE,
AND AVOID DEVICES ONE HOUR
BEFORE.
OR YOU CAN JUST RUB ONE OUT LIKE
AN ADULT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S WHAT EXPERTS ARE SAYING,
COLIN.
>> LISTEN TO THAT GUY APPLAUD.
>>> NEW YORK'S BELOVED SQUIRREL
PEANUT, WHO BECAME FAMOUS ON
INSTAGRAM FOR HIS CUTE LITTLE
OUTFITS, THEN WAS CAPTURED BY
WILDLIFE OFFICIALS AND
EUTHANIZED, BUT HE CONTINUES TO
FUEL DEBATE SURROUNDING
OWNERSHIP OF WILD ANIMALS.
HERE WITH HER THOUGHTS ON THE
MATTER IS PEANUT A'S WIDOW.
>> HI, COLIN.
>> HI, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE, MRS. NUT.
>> PLEASE, CALL ME HAZEL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, HAZEL.
HOW ARE YOU HANDLING YOUR
HUSBAND'S DEATH?
>> OH, JUST SO HARD TO BE THRUST
IN THE MEDIA SPOTLIGHT, COLIN.
I'M USED TO DO REGULAR SQUIRREL
STUFF, LIKE CHASING MY OWN TAIL
OR RUNNING INTO THE MIDDLE OF A
STREET, SEEING A CAR, THEN --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HAZEL, HAZEL.
>> I'M BACK.
>> WELCOME BACK.
TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
PEANUT.
>> ACTUALLY, PEANUT WAS HIS
HUMAN NAME.
HIS LEGAL SQUIRREL NAME WAS --
[ CHATTERING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE WAS A SOCIAL MEDIA STAR.
HE WORE LITTLE COWBOY HATS ON
INSTAGRAM.
HE STUFFED HIS CHEEKS ON
ONLYFANS.
BOTH SETS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.
>> AND HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY
LIFE, COLIN.
I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE DAY WE
MET.
I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS BY
A TREE, SQUIRKING.
>> SQUIRKING?
>> WHEN A SQUIRREL SHAKES THEIR
ENTIRE BODY TO ATTRACT A MATE,
LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, YEAH, YOU LOOK A LITTLE
NUTS.
>> NUTS?
WHERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THERE AREN'T ANY NUTS HERE.
>> SAID THE DOCTOR AT YOUR
PHYSICAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GET YOUR TAIL AWAY FROM ME.
>> OH, COME ON.
I'M IN MOURNING, COLIN.
I NEED TOUCH.
>> WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED TO YOUR
LATE HUSBAND, PEANUT?
>> WELL, THE COPS RAIDED OUR
HOUSE, AND THEN PEANUT BIT ONE.
LIKE A DAMN HERO.
HAVE YOU EVER BIT A COP, COLIN?
>> WHY WOULD I BITE THE HAND
THAT FEEDS ME PINK COCAINE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> RELAX.
ANYWAYS.
THEY ABDUCTED PEANUT AND CHOPPED
HIS HEAD OFF IN A RABIES TEST.
THAT'S HOW THEY TEST FOR RABIES,
COLIN.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
IF THEY CHOPPED OFF YOUR PENIS
EVERY TIME YOU TESTED POSITIVE
FOR CHLAMYDIA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'VE NEVER TESTED POSITIVE
FOR CHLAMYDIA.
>> IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
KEEP SLINGING THAT STEAK, AM I
RIGHT, BROTHER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> KEEP YOUR TAIL OUT OF MY
FACE.
>> FINE, OKAY.
OH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOUND A COUPLE ACORNS.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAZEL, I HOPE YOU CAN FIND SOME
CLOSURE AND FINALLY MOVE ON WITH
YOUR LIFE.
>> OH, WHAT LIFE?
I'M A WIDOW AT 4, COLIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S SO OLD THAT THE ONLY
PERSON WHO WANTS TO HIT IT IS
JAKE PAUL.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I'M
GOING NUTS.
NUTS?
WHERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO JUST SAID
NUTS.
>> I'M SO ALONE.
TOUCH ME, COLIN.
>> IT'S IN MY MOUTH.
>> OH, COME ON.
YOUR HINGE PROFILE SAID YOU LOVE
BUSH.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I MEANT PRESIDENT BIDEN.
PEANUT'S WIDOW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO
THIS ACTING CLASS, I'VE NEVER
DONE ONE SPECIFICALLY ABOUT
AUDITIONING FOR COMMERCIALS.
>> HEY, NO PROBLEM.
I HEAR THIS TEACHER THEODORE IS
REALLY GOOD.
>> REALLY GOOD?
TRY VERY GOOD.
THANKS TO HIM, I ALMOST BECAME
THE FACE OF MUCINEX.
>> HELLO, SORRY I'M LATE, I
PARKED IN A CRAZY WAY.
WELCOME TO COMMERCIAL ACTING
WHERE THE NUMBER ONE RULE IS,
YOU'RE NOT SELLING A PRODUCT,
YOU'RE TELLING A STORY.
SHOW ME SOMETHING.
>> ME AND LACI HAVE BEEN WORKING
ON A SCENE FROM A SKYRIZI
COMMERCIAL.
>> I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT
TONIGHT BECAUSE OF MY PLAQUE
PSORIASIS.
>> FOR ME, I DON'T HAVE TO HIDE
BECAUSE I USE SKYRIZI.
>> CUT!
WRONG.
>> OH.
>> GET AWAY FROM ME!
>> FAVORITE STUDENT, DO A LINE
FROM THE AUDITION.
>> MUCINEX IS THE BEST PRODUCT
AROUND.
>> HIT PRODUCT, PRODUCT IS THE
WORD.
>> MUCINEX IS THE BEST PRODUCT
AROUND.
>> GIVE ME MUCINEX, PRODUCT,
FOUR SECONDS, AROUND.
>> FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT --
>> AROUND!
>> THAT'S WHY SHE ALMOST GOT THE
JOB.
>> OKAY, HOW IS IT GOOD IF SHE
DIDN'T EVEN GET THE JOB?
>> OH, I'M SORRY, CAN YOU RUN
THROUGH YOUR CREDITS REAL QUICK?
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY.
ME, ON THE OTHER HAND, I HAVE
THREE.
ONE, "FEAR FACTOR."
ATE A BUNCH OF WORMS AND STILL
LOST.
TWO, "MILKMAN NOR."
ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH MY
OWN MOM.
AND THREE -- I GUESS I ONLY HAVE
TWO.
THANK YOU, AND YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> GEEZ, SORRY.
>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
NOW LET'S GO DEEP.
OKAY?
THE KEY TO ACTING IS ACCESSING
TRAUMA.
WHAT IS THE WORST THING THAT
HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU?
>> OH, ME?
UM -- WELL, I'VE NEVER SHARED
THIS WITH ANYONE BEFORE, BUT ONE
DAY WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WENT
FISHING WITH DAD AND A WAVE
HIT US, AND HE FELL OFF THE
BOAT, AND I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, SORRY.
I JUST GOT A CRAZY TEXT.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, I AM NOT
THE FATHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
READ ME SOME COPY FROM TARGET.
>> WHEN I NEED GROCERIES,
CLOTHES, OR TOWELS, I GO TO
TARGET.
>> GOOD, NOT GREAT.
EMPHASIS ON CLOTHES, TOWELS AND
TWO.
>> WHEN I NEED GROCERIES,
CLOTHES OR TOWELS, I GO TO
TARGET.
>> YOU TWO, GET UP AND BEGIN A
SCENE, PLEASE.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
>> WOULD YOU GRAB ME A CUP OF
THE FINEST BREW IN TOWN?
>> ONEBLUE BOTTLE COFFEE COMING
UP.
>> WRONG, WRONG, BAD, CUT, AWAY,
AWAY.
NEVER TURN AWAY FROM THE CAMERA.
WHEN YOU'RE IN A SCENE, YOU WANT
THE AUDIENCE TO SEE YOU.
KEEP IT NATURAL.
WATCH.
OH, YOU WANT A COFFEE?
I'LL GO GET IT.
THEN YOU WALK LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GRAB THE COFFEE.
COME BACK.
NOW WE'RE HAVING A COFFEE
TOGETHER.
>> THAT DOESN'T LOOK NATURAL AT
ALL.
>> DAVID, LET ME SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN
A SCENE WITH YOU, OKAY?
SAY SOMETHING.
>> UH -- OKAY, HEY --
>> NO, NO!
>> HI, HOW --
>> STOP TALKING TO ME, TALK TO
ALYSSA.
>> CAN I JUST -- OH, MY GOD!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE
LEARNING FROM THIS?
>> EXACTLY.
ALYSSA AND I GOING TO DO AN
EXERCISE.
YELL OUT A COMPANY, WE WILL GIVE
A PERFECT AD READ OF THEIR
SLOGAN.
>> I DON'T KNOW, CAPITAL ONE?
>> OKAY.
>> HERE, USE MY CREDIT CARD.
>> WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET!
[ LAUGHTER ]
CHILLS, I GAVE MYSELF CHILLS.
GIVE US ANOTHER ONE, PLEASE.
>> O'REILLY'S AUTO PARTS.
>> PERFECT.
ALYSSA, GO AHEAD.
>> OH, OH, OH-OH RILEY!
>> AUTO PARTS.
OKAY, NOW LET'S GO BURGER KING.
YOU START.
>> I'M HUNGRY, WHAT SHOULD I
EAT?
>> I WANT SUSHI.
>> I WANT A BURGER.
>> FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
NOW ALYSSA AND I ARE GOING TO
IMPROVISE AN ENTIRE COMMERCIAL.
GIVE US A PRODUCT, ANY PRODUCT.
>> PAPER TOWELS.
>> PERFECT.
GO AHEAD.
>> MY HOUSE IS A MESS!
>> USE THESE!
>> BUT WHY?
>> THEY'RE THE BEST.
>> ARE THEY GOOD?
>> NO.
>> ARE YOU HUNGRY?
>> I'M STARVING.
>> OKAY.
>> LET'S GO TO SLEEP.
AND SCENE!
OH, MY GOD, YES, I LOVE YOU!
>> OH, MY GOD, I LOVE YOU, MY
BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND!
>> WAIT, THEY'RE MARRIED?
>> OF COURSE WE ARE.
THAT'S OUR CLASS FOR TODAY.
WE WILL BE LEAVING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, CHARLI XCX.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
¶ I DON'T WANNA
SHARE THE SPACE
I DON'T WANNA
FORCE A SMILE ¶
¶ THIS ONE GIRL
TAPS MY INSECURITIES
DON'T KNOW IF IT'S REAL
OR IF I'M SPIRALING ¶
¶ ONE VOICE
TELLS ME THAT THEY LAUGH ¶
¶ GEORGE SAYS
I'M JUST PARANOID
SAYS HE JUST DON'T SEE IT
HE'S SO NAIVE ¶
¶ I'M EMBARRASSED TO HAVE IT
BUT NEED THE SYMPATHY ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I
COULDN'T EVEN BE HER
IF I TRIED ¶
¶ I'M OPPOSITE
I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE
I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS
I CAN'T CONTROL ¶
¶ OH NO DON'T KNOW
WHY
ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE ¶
¶ WHY I CAN'T EVEN
GRIT MY TEETH AND LIE
I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS
I CAN'T CONTROL ¶
¶ OH NO DON'T KNOW
WHY I WANNA BUY A GUN
WHY I WANNA SHOOT MYSELF ¶
¶ VOLATILE
AT WAR WITH MY DIALOGUE
I'D SAY THAT THERE WAS A GOD
IF THEY COULD STOP THIS ¶
¶ WILD VOICE
TEARING ME APART
I'M SO APPREHENSIVE NOW ¶
¶ DON'T WANNA SEE HER
BACKSTAGE
AT MY BOYFRIEND'S SHOW ¶
¶ FINGERS CROSSED
BEHIND MY BACK
I HOPE THEY BREAK UP QUICK ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I
COULDN'T EVEN BE HER
IF I TRIED ¶
¶ I'M OPPOSITE
I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE
I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS
I CAN'T CONTROL ¶
¶ OH NO DON'T KNOW
WHY
ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE ¶
¶ WHY I CAN'T EVEN
GRIT MY TEETH AND LIE
I FEEL ALL THESE FEELINGS
I CAN'T CONTROL ¶
¶ OH NO
ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE ¶
¶ ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE
ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE ¶
¶ YEAH ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE
OH NO OH ¶
¶ WHY
IS ALL THIS SYMPATHY
A -- KNIFE? ¶
¶ YEAH ALL THIS SYMPATHY
IS JUST A KNIFE
COULDN'T EVEN BE HER
IF I TRIED ¶
¶ OH NO NO ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANKSGIVING.
A HOLIDAY AS OLD AS AMERICA
ITSELF.
THE PILGRIMS AND NATIVE
AMERICANS PROVED THEY'RE MORE
ALIKE THAN DIFFERENT AS THEY
LAUGHED, DRANK --
>> AND ATE, MAMA.
IT'S THE MILK THANKSGIVING
SPECIAL COMING TO YOU LIVE, I'M
MARK JACOB.
>> AND I'M JULIA FOX.
IT'S GIVING THANK YOU.
TONIGHT THIS TABLE IS STACKED
WITH CELEBRITIES PAST AND
PRESENT LIKE SUPERMODEL NAOMI
CAMPBELL.
>> I'M GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY,
I BROUGHT THE SUBSTANCE.
>> NEXT IS POSH SPICE HERSELF,
VICTORIA BECKHAM.
>> PILGRIM AND INDIGENOUS, ONE
OF THE MOST ICONIC COLLABS SINCE
ME AND DAVID.
I BROUGHT CREAM SPINACH.
>> SWEETIE, THAT'S FACE CREAM.
>> UM -- YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> NEXT, SHE PUT THE BODY YADA
YADA IN BODIES BODIES BODIES.
WELCOME IT GIRL RACHEL SENNOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> PUMPKIN PIE IS VIBES.
I BROUGHT MY TWO BIG GOURDS.
>> IT GIRLS WERE IT BABIES
ACTING CIRCLES AROUND UNCLE
JESSE, IT'S THE OLSEN TWINS.
>> THIS IS FROM THE ROSE BLACK
FRIDAY SALE.
>> WHERE EVERYTHING IS 20% ON.
>> I BROUGHT A CIGARETTE
CASSEROLE.
>> AND I BROUGHT LOADED MAC AND
CHEESE.
I DON'T THINK I GOT WHAT THIS
WAS GOING TO BE.
>> AND WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
THINKING.
WHO THE "F" IS MAKING THE
TURKEY?
>> OBVIOUSLY IT'S CHER.
HOW'S IT COMING ALONG?
¶ WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ¶
>> CHER, ARE YOU SCARED, CHER?
¶ I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THE
THINGS I DID ¶
¶ I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT SPRITE
IN THE GRAVY ¶
>> AND NOW IT GIRLS WOULD LIKE
TO PERFORM THE STORY OF
THANKSGIVING.
>> WHEN THE PILGRIMS ARRIVED IN
THE NEW WORLD, THEY WERE
STARVED, ALONE, THEY KNEW
NOTHING.
AKA ME AT ZERO DOLL ON TUESDAY.
>> THE FATES OF AMERICANS WERE
FEASTING ON TURKEY.
BUT THEN THE PARTY GOT SO LIT
THAT THEY LET EVERYONE IN.
EVEN THE YOUTUBERS AND ZACH
BRAFF.
>> HM.
WOW.
WHAT A CLASSIC THANKSGIVING
TALE.
CHER, HOW'S THE TURKEY COMING
ALONG?
¶ IF I COULD TURN ON THE STOVE ¶
EVEN MORE BAD NEWS, THIS YEAR'S
TURKEY WAS ON OZEMPIC.
¶ I DON'T THINK IT'S BAKING OH
NO ¶
>> DON'T SWEAT IT, CHER.
WAIT, WHERE ARE THE OLSEN TWINS?
>> WE FELL IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN'T FIND ASHLEY.
>> OH, NO.
THE OLSEN TWINS GOT LOST IN
THEIR BIG-ASS COAT AGAIN, AND
THEY DON'T GET CELL SERVICE IN
THERE.
>> OH, NO.
>> DON'T DESPAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LaROCHE IS HERE.
THE BASICS DO A TURKEY TROT, BUT
IT GIRLS DO A TURKEY STRUT.
¶ TURKEY TURKEY GOBBLE THIS
TURKEY ¶
¶ SHE'S SAVING HERSELF FOR THE
MAIN COURSE ¶
¶ WE ARE GIVING GIVING GIVING
AND GLAMOR ¶
HEY, LEFT NO CRUMBS.
TURKEY!
>> THANK YOU, LAW.
WE TURNED THAT TURKEY OUT, BUT
THE FOOD'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR
NOW.
>> OMG, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO DO AS
THE PILGRIMS DID.
A GIRLS DINNER.
>> AND STRUT IT OUT.
¶ DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER
FOOD ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GOD, THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLE
SHOW.
THE SETS, THE SONGS, THE DONKEY.
NEED I GO ON?
>> YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE
NEVER SEEN "SHREK THE MUSICAL."
>> YOU JUST DID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I MEANT BEFORE TONIGHT.
>> WAIT.
GUYS, WHERE'S LEILANI?
SHE'S BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR
15 MINUTES.
>> ANY LONGER, WE'LL MISS OUR
RESERVATION AT DOMINO'S.
>> THEY TAKE RESERVATIONS?
>> IF YOU WANT A TABLE, THEY DO.
OH!
IT FEELS WE'RE ALWAYS READY FOR
LEILANI.
>> OKAY, BABES.
ARE WE READY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> LEILANI, DID YOU JUST MAKE
OUT WITH --
>> NO!
WHAT, NO!
>> WHY IS YOUR MOUTH ALL GREEN,
GIRL?
>> OH.
I WAS JUST DRINKING A SLUSHY.
I MIX ALL THE FLAVORS TOGETHER
TO MAKE A SUICIDE.
SORRY, AN UNALIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE COLOR WAS GREEN.
AND THAT'S WHY IT'S ALL MY MOUTH
AND HANDS.
>> YOU CLEARLY MADE OUT WITH
SHREK.
>> GET IT, GET REAL.
YOU GUYS ALWAYS DO THIS.
YOU ALWAYS ACCUSE ME OF HOOKING
UP WITH CELEBRITIES.
>> YOU DO, LEILANI.
THE TIME WE WENT TO "DESPICABLE
ME ON ICE."
>> YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM FOR
38 MINUTES AND CAME OUT WITH A
YELLOW MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.
I'M GOING TO FIND THE DIRECTOR
AND TELL HIM, YES HIM, DIRECTORS
CAN BE MEN TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M GOING TO TELL HIM THAT HIS
LEADING OGRE WAS SMASHMOUTHING
MY FRIEND.
EXCUSE ME.
>> SO -- WHAT TOPPINGS ARE YOU
GUYS GOING TO GET ON YOUR PIZZA?
>> PABLO CHIMING IN FINALLY.
>> OH, SORRY.
>> THREE CHATTY LADIES ON
ADDERALL AND THE GAY GUY, HARD
TO GET A WORD IN.
>> HEY!
I'M ON ADDERALL TOO!
LAUGH PARAGRAPH
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COULDN'T FIND ANYONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEATER'S BASICALLY EMPTY.
>> JANIECE, ARE YOU THE FOUR,
FIVE, SIX LINE?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DONE HAD A
GREEN TRAIN RUN ON YOUR ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH SHREK,
OKAY?
A GREEN SHARPIE, WHICH IS VERY
RARE BY THE WAY, EXPLODED IN MY
BAG.
WHERE ELSE DO I WIPE IT BUT ALL
MY EROGENOUS ZONES.
>> PERFECTLY REASONABLE
EXPLANATION.
YOU GUYS ARE ACTING SO CRAZY
RIGHT NOW PIER.
>> JANIECE, THIS IS LIKE THE
TIME WE WENT TO THE AVATAR
HAUNTED HOUSE.
WE HAD AN 11:00 RESERVATION.
YOU CAME OUT WITH BLUE PAINT,
HOLDING A ROCK OF INOBTAINIUM,
WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE CRACK, BY
THE WAY.
I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT Y'ALL.
>> OH!
YOU HAVE HAND AND FACE PRINTS ON
YOUR ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FINE.
I'LL ADMIT IT.
DURING, BEFORE THE SHOW, I
RECEIVED AN OTBPTWNB.
>> AN OVER THE PANTS BELOW THE
WAIST MOTOR BOAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FROM SHREK?
>> HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WASN'T
FIONA POST-OGRE REVEAL?
YOU GUYS ARE SO BIPHOBIC.
>> ARE YOU BI?
>> EW, NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T THE THREE ONIONS I
JUST PEELED BACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LOOK, SHREK, YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE OF US.
WHO'S IT GOING TO BE?
ME?
GADGET?
A 31-YEAR-OLD TEACHING ARTIST
WITH A SHORT FUSE AND A BIG
HEART?
>> OR ME, DENISE, A 31-YEAR-OLD
BLEACH PATHOLOGIST DOING HER
BEST TO MAKE A CHARACTER IN THE
"SEX AND THE CITY" WE CALL NEW
YORK?
>> ME, LEILANI, A BARELY
30-YEAR-OLD WHO TAKES TOO LONG
IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE I'M NOT
DOING A NUMBER ONE OR NUMBER
TWO, I'M DOING A NUMBER THREE,
HOOKING UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OR ME, SUZANNE.
A 19-YEAR-OLD -- DON'T SAY
ANYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO'S A LORD FOURQUAT IN THE
STREETS AND A PUSS IN THE BOOTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OR ME, PABLO, A GUY WHO WANTS
TO GET TO DOMINO'S IN TIME FOR
HIS RESERVATION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, SHREK, WHO'S IT GOING
TO BE?
>> I WANT PABLO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> MY THANKS TO ALEC BALDWIN,
DANA CARVEY, THANK YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶