1 00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:07,040 Hello 2 00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:26,092 Hello. 3 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:29,963 I'm Tom Hanks. 4 00:00:29,996 --> 00:00:32,632 In December 1990, 5 00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:36,936 I created the SNL Five Timers Club, 6 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:42,108 and ingeniously lazy way to avoid writing a monologue. 7 00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,245 It has grown into one of the most exclusive clubs 8 00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:46,446 in the industry. 9 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:50,817 And tonight we are here to induct our newest member. 10 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:59,959 Hey, Tom. Tom. 11 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:04,698 I got to ask, 12 00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,667 who the hell are you talking to here about? 13 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,336 Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 14 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:10,837 I've done so many documentaries. 15 00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:12,372 Whenever I sit in a leather chair, 16 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:15,809 I just naturally assume I'm in one. 17 00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:17,377 Well, should we let him in? 18 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,179 He's been standing outside for 20 minutes. 19 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:19,979 Absolutely. 20 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,083 Absolutely. 21 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:26,086 Martin Short. 22 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:33,259 Oh, my goodness gracious. 23 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,102 What a what a surprise that I've known about all week. 24 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,104 Well, get over here, Marty. 25 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,106 Hey, have they, tell you the secret handshake? 26 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,475 Of course they have. 27 00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:49,676 One two. 28 00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:50,276 Three. 29 00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,112 Four. Five. You're great. 30 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,114 You're great. 31 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,349 Hey, what do they call you, by the way? 32 00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,118 Marty or Martin or. 33 00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:01,054 Well, my friends all call me Marty, so you can call me Mr. 34 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:04,090 Martin Short. 35 00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:08,595 Marty. 36 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,307 You know, I am so glad that you were here. 37 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:23,443 You were one of the rarest things in Hollywood. 38 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:27,947 A writer who's attractive enough to be on camera. 39 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,817 And you are one of the least rare things in Hollywood, 40 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:33,887 a loud man. Oh. 41 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,588 Thank you. See? You're right. 42 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,357 You're so right. 43 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,194 Oh, hey. Thank you. Kid. 44 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:44,798 Martin, may I offer you our signature cocktail? 45 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,901 The Marty teeny. 46 00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,103 It's just like you. Super sweet. 47 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:53,840 And after a few sips, you're like, I get it. 48 00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:57,777 You know, it's often paired with our Steve Martini. 49 00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:01,147 But tonight we're serving it solo, and I bet it's 50 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,949 even better on its own. 51 00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:06,052 Now, first things first. 52 00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,755 We need to make sure you're really ready to be a five timer. 53 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:11,524 Quick! Name three current cast members. 54 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,827 No idea. Correct. 55 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,162 And that was the whole test. 56 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:21,067 Wow. And, hey, you picked a great time of year to join. 57 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,870 This is our annual Christmas party. 58 00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:25,739 Yes, and I love the decorations. 59 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:26,773 My goodness. Yes. 60 00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:30,243 These are actually, scripts, that we all sabotaged 61 00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:33,480 because a cast member had a better part than we do. 62 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,081 I can do that. 63 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:38,118 Of course you can. 64 00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:46,626 Here in the Five Timers club. 65 00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:48,094 Now, the rules are different. 66 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,864 Oh, look. Look at your robe. 67 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:55,235 Well, that's right, I've hosted 17 times. 68 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,170 I happen to be a very useful type of show. 69 00:03:57,203 --> 00:04:00,740 They call me when they need someone to play a Republican. 70 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:01,608 Because of my 71 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:04,611 face, my voice and my strong daddy vibes. 72 00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:07,480 Yes, really a daddy. 73 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,916 Go to your room, Tina. 74 00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:13,520 I wonder who that is. 75 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,566 A. Number up here for tonight. 76 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,667 Put the Secret Santa. 77 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:28,535 Oh, I'll take it. 78 00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:30,737 I have to put my gift under the tree to. 79 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:34,808 It's not another book about World War two, is it, Tom? 80 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:38,645 No, it's about outer space. 81 00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:41,681 Hey, guys. 82 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:48,855 Hey! 83 00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:51,224 Are you in a bath robe? 84 00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:53,159 I'm. I'm not living here. 85 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,794 But no one. 86 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,930 No one said that. Good cause. 87 00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,667 Because I'm not living here. 88 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:01,801 Hello, Martin. 89 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,837 Hello, Kristen. 90 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,572 I hope you're not expecting a repeat 91 00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:08,108 of what happened last year when we saw each other. 92 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,310 I'm not that girl anymore. 93 00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:13,413 And I'm not that flexible anymore. 94 00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,782 Hey, did you two have a thing? 95 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,150 We took a hot yoga class 96 00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:20,220 together where we made love and got kicked out. 97 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:22,822 And then we both voted for Trump. 98 00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,057 Don't tell them that. 99 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:27,727 Look, it's okay in this club, you can be completely honest. 100 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,529 Anyone else want to try? 101 00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:31,531 Oh, go. 102 00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:34,567 Ant man's powers aren't good. 103 00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:37,137 I'll go. 104 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,105 It's me that's flying those drones. 105 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,975 All of. 106 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:42,909 I'll go. 107 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:45,945 I never had Covid. 108 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,883 Although I am Covid right now. 109 00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:53,820 Although I have way too many children. 110 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,388 So we got water already. 111 00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:56,189 But wait, 112 00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,159 is this a five timer thing or an Only Murders reunion? 113 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,360 Well, it's true, 114 00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:00,694 you know, 115 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,064 Tina and Paul were both guest stars, and it's embarrassing. 116 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:04,531 That shows 117 00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:08,034 throw in big name cameos just for cheap ratings boost. 118 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,036 It's the worst. The worst possible. 119 00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,318 And frankly, 120 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:30,490 Marty, honestly, this is such an accomplishment. 121 00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,826 Hello, Kristen. 122 00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:33,960 Hi, Emma 123 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,061 I hope you're not expecting 124 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,198 a repeat of what happened when I saw you last night. 125 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,666 I'm not that girl anymore. 126 00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:40,633 And I'm not that drunk. 127 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,670 But you should know I'm getting close. 128 00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:47,073 Good. 129 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:50,210 Well, 130 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,077 Well, I just 131 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,946 I just have to say that it is so nice 132 00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:55,081 to see each other outside of a sketch. 133 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,449 I mean, we were gonna act like 134 00:06:56,483 --> 00:07:00,520 the dignified salt of the earth celebrity folks that we are. 135 00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:01,021 I don't know, 136 00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:02,789 normally you'd be chugging ranch dressing 137 00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:05,025 and crashing through a table by now. 138 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,793 Oh, shame. 139 00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,528 But. Exactly. 140 00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,430 Yeah. This is a classy place. 141 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:14,034 And you know where Joanie, that sophomore comedy sells here? 142 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,336 No. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to treat 143 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,604 myself to a cocktail. 144 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:32,385 Oh. Hi. 145 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:40,960 I just stopped 146 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:44,064 by to say congratulations. 147 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,266 God, look at you. I look at you. 148 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,969 I can't believe that we did that sitcom ten years ago. 149 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,972 Oh, you could never do that show now, because, like, 150 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:53,940 because everyone's so well. 151 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:57,744 No, because it wasn't good and no one liked it. 152 00:07:57,777 --> 00:07:59,512 But you came back strong, 153 00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:03,016 and then you crashed and burned, and then you came back strong. 154 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,852 And we're all so curious what will happen next. 155 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,420 Lets raise a toast. Shall we? 156 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,556 Oh, is there anything nonalcoholic? 157 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:11,091 Do you mean drinks or people? 158 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,793 Cause either way, no. 159 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,797 Well, Marty, you're finally in the Five Timers Club, 160 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,067 which means we've got a little something for you. 161 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,936 Jacket, boy. 162 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:26,172 Hey, everybody. 163 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:30,043 Hi. I just heard, I don't know. 164 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,045 I can only stay for a little bit, 165 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,446 and then I have to go and host 166 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,482 another game show and laugh at my own jokes. 167 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,518 Well, I mean, someone's laughing. 168 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:39,285 You get it? 169 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,353 Well, Marty, I just want to say I'm 170 00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,955 so happy to be here for this moment. 171 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,590 So I like to present to you 172 00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:47,394 the official Five Timers Club jacket in exactly your size. 173 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:48,762 A women's small. 174 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,578 Thank you all for being here. 175 00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,781 This is such, such a night. 176 00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,016 And from the heart of my heart. 177 00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:13,820 I just want to say I love most of you so much 178 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:14,788 AND -- 179 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:15,755 LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S 180 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,258 SATURDAY NIGHT 181 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,030 IT'S 182 00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:25,498 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 183 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:31,358 >>> MUSICAL GUEST, HOZIER AND 184 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,594 YOUR HOST MARTIN SHORT. 185 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:36,296 ** 186 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,933 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MARTIN 187 00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:51,311 SHORT. 188 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,859 Thank you. 189 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:06,960 Thank you everyone. 190 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,765 How exciting this must be for all of you. 191 00:12:11,798 --> 00:12:15,335 And tonight, it's the big SNL Christmas show, and I just. 192 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:17,671 I can't believe the holidays are already here. 193 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,606 But we must move this monologue along 194 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:24,310 because I have ten sketches to get to where I play an elf. 195 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,346 Also, I left my Uber driver waiting in. 196 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:30,083 And you know how testy Matt Gaetz can get. 197 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,584 But listen to me. Listen to me. 198 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,586 Not only do I speak from my heart, 199 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,121 but I speak from the cue cards. 200 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:40,694 When I say that I so thankful to my dear friend Lorne Michaels 201 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,730 for asking me to host tonight. 202 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:46,733 Thank you. 203 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,402 You know, than I am very close friends. 204 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,804 We're kind of like Trump 205 00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:55,241 and Elon Musk without the sexual tension. 206 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,242 In fact, I'm reminded of 207 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,245 Lorne's words after every show I've ever hosted. 208 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:02,048 You'll get them next time. 209 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,583 But tonight I joined the Five 210 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,619 Timers Club. 211 00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,958 I got to think of it, you know, I think 212 00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:13,727 five must be my lucky number. 213 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,062 I mean, this is my fifth time hosting. 214 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:19,399 I'm about to start season five of Only Murders in the building. 215 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:23,436 I own 216 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,606 five cybertruck's not to drive. 217 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,776 It's just they're so beautiful. 218 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,212 My dear friend Steve Martin is also part of the club. 219 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,747 He would have been here tonight, 220 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:37,650 but he had a conflict with me not wanting him to be here. 221 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,587 And besides, it's rehearsal week for The Masked Singer, so, 222 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,088 you know, 223 00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,923 so Steve and I posted together before, but, 224 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:47,227 you know, hosting SNL is a lot like sex. 225 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,428 It's great with a partner. 226 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:52,799 But sometimes it's fun to just knock one out by yourself. 227 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:53,700 And this week has been 228 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:57,437 so much fun and the cast is just so loved. 229 00:13:57,470 --> 00:14:00,473 Oh. Hi, Sarah. Hi. 230 00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:04,644 Is there something wrong? 231 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,780 Oh, Marty, I don't know what to do. 232 00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:10,583 I want to have the holiday spirit, but all I feel is dread. 233 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,687 Don't worry that hair will grow up. 234 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,455 Why are you talking about my hair? 235 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,158 Well, you should have been. 236 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,193 I guess I'm just upset because the holidays 237 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:21,327 are supposed to be fun. 238 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,864 But everyone here is so stressed out, right, guys? 239 00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:27,901 Yeah, you always seem so happy. 240 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:32,572 We were hoping you could, I don't know, cheer us up. 241 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,507 Please, Marty. 242 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:38,244 Oh, we ever so would love it is too short. 243 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:38,878 Gather round. 244 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:42,415 Youngsters and Keenan. 245 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,551 You know the holidays are always festival 246 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,319 and sure the world is going crazy. 247 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:47,454 But you know what? 248 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,456 I have a solution. Really? 249 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,791 For the purpose of this bit. Sure. 250 00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,193 And I'll tell you how. 251 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,961 Or I could sing it. 252 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,162 That is, if you like, get. 253 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,469 This up, children. 254 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,170 Oh, no. 255 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,406 It's Christmas, it's TikTok. 256 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:09,843 You see, it provokes anxiety. 257 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:14,748 Good Christ, it's Christmas with yuletide stress and dread. 258 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:18,885 Your head's about to explode. 259 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,455 Oh, so you need a new prescription 260 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,457 just to get through Christmas. 261 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:25,859 Take a little edge. 262 00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,761 Make sense of your existence. Yes, 263 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,596 you need a new prescription. 264 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,531 But fly higher than Blitzen. 265 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,099 Don't snort snow and don't smoke. 266 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:33,500 Holly. 267 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,369 Here's my plan to make you jolly. 268 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:38,672 My odds are hopping. 269 00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:39,906 Oh, doctor. 270 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,443 Shopping for a psychiatrist. 271 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,646 Oh, doctor, I may need a spare, but seems to be a problem. 272 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,116 I have this recurring dream where I'm eating Armie Hammer. 273 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,652 Mama. 274 00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:53,787 Thank you. 275 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:54,654 Okay. 276 00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:57,090 They're benzos. 277 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,825 Benzos? Yes. 278 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:01,928 Oh, for a ketamine spritz. 279 00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:03,096 Oh, boy. 280 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:06,833 Because you need a new prescription to quell the helter 281 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,234 skelter side. 282 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,371 Has his elves, and I have Martin's little helper. 283 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:15,041 I want a bike and X-Box and the newest iPhone. 284 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,576 Yeah. Greedy much. 285 00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:20,547 get lost kid 286 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,850 Now tell me, what do you want for Christmas? 287 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,886 Well, I want world peace, but I need preparation 288 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,256 H cause you need a new prescription. 289 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,758 And take it from this corner 290 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,493 and get those meds before they're up. 291 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,795 But by RFK junior. Yes. 292 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:39,666 You need a new prescription, but nothing from the Sacklers 293 00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:42,902 need a new prescription. Now. 294 00:16:42,936 --> 00:16:45,572 Oh, Lorne, you smell wonder. 295 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,841 I didn't know Jack Daniels made Cologne. 296 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:52,579 God, I'm attracted 297 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:57,717 to you. Oh. 298 00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:03,757 You never kiss me like that 299 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,826 anymore. 300 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:10,330 Yes. We need tranquilizing, 301 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:14,434 pharmaceutical correction and drug induced amnesia. 302 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,036 Regarding the election 303 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:19,806 And preferably something that won't kill my erection. 304 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:23,610 We need a new prescription 305 00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:30,350 Now! 306 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,890 Yeah. 307 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:38,758 We have 308 00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:40,193 great show for you tonight 309 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,127 Hozier is here 310 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,096 So stick around. We'll be right back. 311 00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,485 Oh my God. 312 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,087 Dad just passed. 313 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,756 Well, I'd love to, Madison, but there's no spots. 314 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:12,625 Maybe that's because we're going shopping on Christmas Eve. 315 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,594 After noon. Ooh, there's a spot. 316 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,696 Hold on. Wait! Dad! Dad! 317 00:18:16,730 --> 00:18:17,897 Watch out! 318 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,533 Oh, are you kidding me? 319 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,570 This guy Foley just tried to steal our spot. 320 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:28,908 Hey hey hey hey. 321 00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:30,477 This spot. 322 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,812 This spot is mine. 323 00:18:32,846 --> 00:18:35,515 My spot. No! 324 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:36,816 It's mine. 325 00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:41,388 My blinker was on. 326 00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,890 Are you serious? 327 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,259 Oh, are you serious? 328 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,529 I was here first. 329 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,565 What are you blind? 330 00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:58,505 Me? Are you blind? 331 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,206 Dad, what are you doing? 332 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,107 He need a cane. 333 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:04,010 So I'm doing braille. 334 00:19:04,044 --> 00:19:07,814 I saw this spot 335 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,718 before you. 336 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:12,352 Ha ha! 337 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:15,388 You wish. 338 00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,793 Which 339 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:23,496 I swear on my mother. 340 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,533 My mother. 341 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:33,039 I don't care. 342 00:19:33,073 --> 00:19:37,944 My mother is dead. 343 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,647 Shame on you. 344 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,048 I hate this guy. 345 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:45,485 Dude you blow 346 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,722 know how to dance? 347 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:51,358 I don't want to see that. 348 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,059 And I really don't like that. 349 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,729 One hand was doing this 350 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:56,396 Yeah, it's. 351 00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:58,798 Guys like it, though. Madison. 352 00:19:58,832 --> 00:19:59,866 Think again. 353 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,735 She's right. 354 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,771 She's right. 355 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:05,805 Shut up. 356 00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:07,240 Shut up! 357 00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:10,076 Just get lost. 358 00:20:10,110 --> 00:20:12,779 I need this spot. 359 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:16,916 I'm handicap 360 00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:19,819 handicap 361 00:20:19,853 --> 00:20:21,855 That is bull. 362 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:25,058 Bull. Crap. 363 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:31,097 Now my blood pressure is high. 364 00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:34,167 Very high. 365 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:38,805 You are such a liar. 366 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,808 I never lie. 367 00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:46,046 I'm super Christian. 368 00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:49,315 Super Christian. 369 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,484 Liar! 370 00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:51,951 Yeah! 371 00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:54,187 Screw you! 372 00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,157 Screw! 373 00:20:57,190 --> 00:20:58,258 You're such. 374 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:01,294 a jerk 375 00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:06,900 Don't do two at once. 376 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,802 I'm sorry. It's just a habit. 377 00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,470 Don't 378 00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:13,273 say that. 379 00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:14,674 Come on, man. 380 00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:17,143 It's almost Christmas. 381 00:21:17,177 --> 00:21:19,879 Let me have the spot. You. 382 00:21:19,913 --> 00:21:22,916 scrooge 383 00:21:24,184 --> 00:21:26,386 I'm not scrooge 384 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:29,155 I have a good heart. 385 00:21:29,189 --> 00:21:30,123 Can't. Good heart. 386 00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:33,126 I'm more like Santa Claus. 387 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:34,794 Ho ho ho ho. 388 00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:38,465 I didn't know what else to do. 389 00:21:38,498 --> 00:21:40,100 I'm sorry. 390 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,802 If you won't listen to me. 391 00:21:42,836 --> 00:21:47,007 Maybe you'll listen to my wife. 392 00:21:47,107 --> 00:21:50,010 Well, I don't see. 393 00:21:50,110 --> 00:21:53,113 a wife do you. 394 00:21:56,983 --> 00:22:00,086 Our way right now. 395 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,757 I will kill you 396 00:22:03,790 --> 00:22:06,793 and I'll make your dumb daughter. 397 00:22:09,629 --> 00:22:11,564 My legs 398 00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:15,502 will eat your face. 399 00:22:15,535 --> 00:22:17,971 Hey! She hates you. 400 00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:20,707 By the way, 401 00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,743 you got it. 402 00:22:50,303 --> 00:22:52,772 This spot is all yours, sir. 403 00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:53,840 I know. 404 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:56,876 Happy holidays. 405 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:07,120 Yes. I got the candle for his sister 406 00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:08,421 and the coat for my mom. 407 00:23:08,455 --> 00:23:09,723 But they didn't have saving signs 408 00:23:09,756 --> 00:23:11,558 at the first state fair I went to. 409 00:23:15,528 --> 00:23:16,629 Miss. 410 00:23:16,663 --> 00:23:17,497 Miss. 411 00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:19,065 Excuse me. Miss, I don't have any change. 412 00:23:19,099 --> 00:23:22,402 Oh, no. No, you dropped this. Oh, 413 00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:23,370 Thank you. 414 00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:26,272 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 415 00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:36,683 I'll call you back. Hey. 416 00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:39,085 Come with me. 417 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,387 Okay. 418 00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:42,956 So, what are we looking to give him here? 419 00:23:42,989 --> 00:23:47,394 How about a fresh start? 420 00:24:01,074 --> 00:24:03,643 an excellent fit. 421 00:24:03,677 --> 00:24:06,813 Perhaps a watch to complete the look. 422 00:24:06,846 --> 00:24:11,217 Oh, I like the gold. 423 00:24:14,888 --> 00:24:15,789 This. 424 00:24:15,822 --> 00:24:17,824 May I ask, why are you doing all this for me? 425 00:24:17,857 --> 00:24:20,427 Because everyone deserves a gift, a Christmas. 426 00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:23,430 Speaking of. 427 00:24:25,799 --> 00:24:28,134 Oh, this is too much. 428 00:24:28,168 --> 00:24:31,071 It's just something to get you back on your feet. 429 00:24:31,104 --> 00:24:35,508 Get a hotel room for a few weeks and plan your next act. 430 00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:38,345 Sorry. Excuse me. 431 00:24:38,378 --> 00:24:38,912 Hey, honey. 432 00:24:38,945 --> 00:24:41,448 Where the hell are you? 433 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:45,151 Well, Christmas Eve, Rachel, your entire family is here. 434 00:24:45,185 --> 00:24:47,854 Well, I should be back by one. 435 00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:52,992 It's 930. Where are you? 436 00:24:53,093 --> 00:24:54,227 I'm at dinner. 437 00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:57,364 Dinner? Gone insane. 438 00:24:57,397 --> 00:24:58,998 You know what I want you to talk to someone, 439 00:24:59,099 --> 00:25:02,035 and he will explain everything. 440 00:25:05,405 --> 00:25:07,407 Hello? Hi. 441 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:08,842 Your girl is with me now. 442 00:25:08,875 --> 00:25:11,678 You heard the girls run. Slipped. 443 00:25:11,711 --> 00:25:15,115 Your girl is whining and dining, and 444 00:25:15,148 --> 00:25:16,649 this chick is only here talking about. 445 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,218 I need to get a hotel with her. 446 00:25:18,251 --> 00:25:20,553 Something like that buster 447 00:25:20,587 --> 00:25:22,155 No, that's not what I said. 448 00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:23,456 Hey, guess what time it is. 449 00:25:23,490 --> 00:25:25,892 It's steal your bitch o'clock. 450 00:25:25,925 --> 00:25:27,327 I thought we got the gold one. 451 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,063 Yeah, you did, but it was a buy one. 452 00:25:30,063 --> 00:25:31,765 Steal one for free. 453 00:25:31,798 --> 00:25:33,500 Who am I speaking to? 454 00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:34,701 Man, you know me. 455 00:25:34,734 --> 00:25:35,702 I'm Ricardo. 456 00:25:35,735 --> 00:25:38,872 The d train devient Dumont, a.k.a. 457 00:25:38,905 --> 00:25:40,507 the reigning champ of the knockout game. 458 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:42,075 Oh my God. Give me the phone. 459 00:25:42,075 --> 00:25:43,777 Give me the phone. Honey, 460 00:25:43,810 --> 00:25:45,979 I made a Christmas mistake and I am coming home now. 461 00:25:46,079 --> 00:25:48,448 I just need to get my car from the valet. 462 00:25:48,481 --> 00:25:52,452 But I promise you, I was just trying to do something good. 463 00:25:52,485 --> 00:25:55,188 Oh, I believe you. Maybe just. 464 00:25:55,221 --> 00:25:57,590 Just come home to us, okay? 465 00:25:57,624 --> 00:25:59,459 I will love you. 466 00:26:01,461 --> 00:26:04,130 Ricardo, I. 467 00:26:04,164 --> 00:26:04,764 Excuse me. 468 00:26:05,932 --> 00:26:07,133 Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was here with? 469 00:26:07,167 --> 00:26:07,801 Oh, yes. 470 00:26:08,868 --> 00:26:10,770 I think you meant to go get your car from the valet, 471 00:26:18,511 --> 00:26:21,915 God, if only I had listened to Fox News. 472 00:26:21,948 --> 00:26:22,782 Stay smart. 473 00:26:22,816 --> 00:26:23,817 Stay rich. 474 00:26:23,850 --> 00:26:25,819 Happy, Oh. You wish. 475 00:26:25,852 --> 00:26:27,587 Merry Christmas. 476 00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:44,437 Live from 477 00:26:45,405 --> 00:26:47,540 gate 78, in terminal C, it's the Cibo Express. 478 00:26:47,574 --> 00:26:51,077 Christmas week, airport parade. 479 00:26:51,077 --> 00:26:53,713 It's chaos, it's mayhem, and everyone's afraid. 480 00:26:53,747 --> 00:26:57,317 It's their Christmas parade. 481 00:26:57,350 --> 00:26:59,119 Good evening. From Newark. 482 00:26:59,152 --> 00:27:00,453 Which is how you say New York. 483 00:27:00,487 --> 00:27:03,390 If you were on pills, which I am. 484 00:27:03,423 --> 00:27:07,627 My name is Agent Chartreuse Hamilton, and I'm Umberto. 485 00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:09,629 Umberto? What kind of name is that? 486 00:27:09,662 --> 00:27:10,363 Well, my parents were 487 00:27:11,598 --> 00:27:14,234 unsure about naming me Berto, so they told the nurse Umberto, 488 00:27:14,267 --> 00:27:15,635 I love Umberto. 489 00:27:15,669 --> 00:27:17,804 Who can we expect to see on the parade route this year? 490 00:27:17,837 --> 00:27:20,106 While some new appearances as well as some old classics. 491 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:20,573 Here's one. 492 00:27:21,541 --> 00:27:23,610 Now up first, it's a nervous flier whose edible 493 00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:27,080 kicked in two early. 494 00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:30,116 1000mg is low, right? 495 00:27:30,150 --> 00:27:32,419 Because that's just one gram, right? 496 00:27:32,452 --> 00:27:32,919 Wrong. 497 00:27:33,953 --> 00:27:35,889 But I'll have what he's having, and I already did. 498 00:27:35,922 --> 00:27:38,591 I'm on pills and potions. Ready? 499 00:27:38,625 --> 00:27:41,061 Girl, I hate that you're my ride home. 500 00:27:41,094 --> 00:27:41,661 Next up, 501 00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,931 it's a woman who's saving her stinky meal for the flight. 502 00:27:44,964 --> 00:27:48,368 I can't wait to eat my day old tuna melt, 503 00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:50,103 and I got a middle seat. 504 00:27:50,136 --> 00:27:52,405 Oh, nice. 505 00:27:52,439 --> 00:27:54,607 Let's check in with our parade correspondent, Kenton. 506 00:27:54,641 --> 00:27:58,511 Being the overly aggressive Delta Lounge employee. 507 00:27:58,545 --> 00:27:59,079 Thank you. 508 00:27:59,112 --> 00:28:00,347 Humberto. 509 00:28:00,380 --> 00:28:02,248 The Delta large is glitz. 510 00:28:02,282 --> 00:28:03,450 It's glam. 511 00:28:03,483 --> 00:28:06,853 It's got the most beautiful buffet you've ever been to. 512 00:28:06,886 --> 00:28:11,291 If you've never been to a buffet, you know, 513 00:28:11,324 --> 00:28:14,327 I thought I had access to the lounge. 514 00:28:15,128 --> 00:28:17,097 You're not dressed appropriately. 515 00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:19,032 And Drake is in there. 516 00:28:19,065 --> 00:28:20,700 Drake is in the Delta Lounge. 517 00:28:20,734 --> 00:28:22,035 Well, is he the Drake or Josh? 518 00:28:22,035 --> 00:28:25,071 I can't tell them apart. 519 00:28:25,105 --> 00:28:26,106 Thanks, Kenton. 520 00:28:26,139 --> 00:28:28,141 Next up, it's TSA employee 521 00:28:28,174 --> 00:28:31,144 who says the same thing 12 different ways. 522 00:28:31,177 --> 00:28:33,146 Bag in the bin. 523 00:28:33,179 --> 00:28:35,648 Put your bag in the bin. 524 00:28:35,682 --> 00:28:38,685 If you got a bag on hand, put it in the bag. 525 00:28:38,718 --> 00:28:41,087 Sir, how are you going to celebrate the holidays? 526 00:28:41,121 --> 00:28:43,189 Bagging a bit. 527 00:28:43,223 --> 00:28:44,190 Oh, look who's next. 528 00:28:44,224 --> 00:28:44,924 It's a parade. 529 00:28:46,159 --> 00:28:51,231 First woman who accidentally sat down on a motorized suitcase. 530 00:28:51,264 --> 00:28:53,500 This is my luggage create 531 00:28:53,533 --> 00:28:55,568 a barracade 532 00:28:55,602 --> 00:28:59,539 You know, let's check back in with Ken Kendrick. 533 00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,741 You're not getting in. 534 00:29:01,775 --> 00:29:04,778 I'm Paul Rudd. 535 00:29:08,682 --> 00:29:12,519 Paul Rudd, that name sounds poor. 536 00:29:12,552 --> 00:29:17,290 I was voted sexiest man alive. 537 00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:20,326 Could someone hand me water? 538 00:29:22,262 --> 00:29:24,731 Sexiest man alive? 539 00:29:24,764 --> 00:29:25,432 Well, what? 540 00:29:25,465 --> 00:29:26,866 It's telling him it's Tim Allen. 541 00:29:26,900 --> 00:29:28,868 dead 542 00:29:28,902 --> 00:29:30,770 Next up, it's an airport staple. 543 00:29:30,804 --> 00:29:32,439 It's a white woman who's somehow 544 00:29:32,472 --> 00:29:34,708 going to make the flight about her. 545 00:29:34,741 --> 00:29:37,911 I might sing, I might yell at a baby. 546 00:29:37,944 --> 00:29:40,814 I'm definitely going to watch a movie on my iPad. 547 00:29:40,847 --> 00:29:44,551 No headphone 548 00:29:44,584 --> 00:29:46,119 queen. Next 549 00:29:46,152 --> 00:29:49,155 up, we have the least necessary employees in the terminal. 550 00:29:49,189 --> 00:29:52,058 It's the Express Spa sponsored by Calm App 551 00:29:52,058 --> 00:29:53,393 Masseurs 552 00:29:53,426 --> 00:29:55,195 What's up? We got a holiday discount going. 553 00:29:55,228 --> 00:29:59,199 It's going to be 5% off for a dry ass public massage 554 00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:01,201 and free unhappy endings. 555 00:30:01,234 --> 00:30:05,505 Please let us touch you 556 00:30:05,538 --> 00:30:08,708 know they should get a job with TSA. 557 00:30:08,742 --> 00:30:10,610 Yeah, it's up next. It's a classic. 558 00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:12,712 It's a woman who wants to join the Mile high club. 559 00:30:12,746 --> 00:30:15,548 And her boyfriend, who does not. 560 00:30:15,582 --> 00:30:17,417 Okay, so I'll sit in the sink. 561 00:30:17,450 --> 00:30:19,586 You kneel on the toilet, put your hands on the wall. 562 00:30:19,619 --> 00:30:21,688 I'll put my feet on the ceiling. 563 00:30:21,721 --> 00:30:23,923 Why can't we just make love in our bed? 564 00:30:23,957 --> 00:30:26,059 Oh my God. 565 00:30:26,092 --> 00:30:28,294 Oh, oh, did you hear that? 566 00:30:28,328 --> 00:30:31,598 It's a gate agent who's having trouble with the names? 567 00:30:31,631 --> 00:30:34,567 Flight 663 boarding now from Miami. 568 00:30:34,601 --> 00:30:37,804 I need to speak with my cool little penis 569 00:30:39,172 --> 00:30:41,107 to see my cool little penis 570 00:30:41,141 --> 00:30:44,110 as soon as possible, face to face. 571 00:30:44,144 --> 00:30:48,615 Next on my standby list, I have China so dry. 572 00:30:50,517 --> 00:30:51,918 I have China so dry. 573 00:30:51,951 --> 00:30:54,220 I hope I'm pronouncing that right. 574 00:30:54,254 --> 00:30:56,856 I am China so dry. 575 00:30:56,890 --> 00:30:58,792 Okay, please come to the counter. 576 00:30:58,825 --> 00:31:00,727 Not so dry. 577 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,062 Speaking of names 578 00:31:02,062 --> 00:31:03,196 starters, did your parents name me 579 00:31:03,229 --> 00:31:04,831 that because they loved the color? No, 580 00:31:04,864 --> 00:31:08,768 because they love charcuterie and they're illiterate. 581 00:31:08,802 --> 00:31:09,569 Coming this way. 582 00:31:09,602 --> 00:31:11,171 It's the parade Grand marshal. 583 00:31:11,204 --> 00:31:14,207 Captain Sully. 584 00:31:19,512 --> 00:31:20,780 Hello, everyone. 585 00:31:20,814 --> 00:31:23,883 I'm here to introduce the grand finale. 586 00:31:23,917 --> 00:31:27,821 So let's see if I can land this plane. 587 00:31:32,892 --> 00:31:34,361 I'm sorry. 588 00:31:34,394 --> 00:31:36,129 I thought there would be a round of applause. 589 00:31:36,162 --> 00:31:39,165 Okay. 590 00:31:42,569 --> 00:31:45,105 All right, now my rhythm's all off. 591 00:31:45,138 --> 00:31:46,639 Anyways, please welcome 592 00:31:46,673 --> 00:31:50,777 a group of passengers who just arrived from Turkey. 593 00:31:50,810 --> 00:31:51,611 That's right. 594 00:31:52,746 --> 00:31:55,915 Sully, they just got cheap cosmetic work done in Turkey. 595 00:32:04,057 --> 00:32:06,359 Oh, that's a wrap on the Christmas week airport parade. 596 00:32:06,393 --> 00:32:08,361 Remember, 597 00:32:08,395 --> 00:32:11,464 keep us in your heart 598 00:32:11,498 --> 00:32:15,769 parade 599 00:32:33,219 --> 00:32:34,454 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 600 00:32:34,487 --> 00:32:35,321 HOZIER. 601 00:32:35,355 --> 00:32:40,360 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 602 00:32:40,393 --> 00:32:54,441 ** 603 00:32:54,474 --> 00:32:59,346 ** 604 00:32:59,379 --> 00:33:01,748 * CAN'T BE SAID I'M AN EARLY 605 00:33:01,781 --> 00:33:03,416 BIRD * 606 00:33:03,450 --> 00:33:04,884 * IT'S 10:00 BEFORE I SAY A 607 00:33:04,918 --> 00:33:08,655 WORD * 608 00:33:08,688 --> 00:33:10,156 * BABY I CAN NEVER TELL HOW DO 609 00:33:10,190 --> 00:33:12,592 YOU SLEEP SO WELL * 610 00:33:12,625 --> 00:33:15,095 * YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO LIVE 611 00:33:15,128 --> 00:33:16,062 ALL RIGHT * 612 00:33:16,062 --> 00:33:17,397 * TO GO TO BED BEFORE THE 613 00:33:17,430 --> 00:33:19,132 DAYLIGHT * 614 00:33:19,165 --> 00:33:21,167 * BUT THEN YOU WAKE UP FOR THE 615 00:33:21,201 --> 00:33:23,770 SUNRISE YOU KNOW YOU DON'T GOTTA 616 00:33:23,803 --> 00:33:26,406 PRETEND, BABY NOW AND THEN * 617 00:33:26,439 --> 00:33:27,974 * DON'T YOU JUST WANNA WAKE UP, 618 00:33:28,074 --> 00:33:31,578 DARK AS A LAKE * 619 00:33:31,611 --> 00:33:33,646 * SMELLING LIKE A BONFIRE, LOST 620 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,082 IN A HAZE * 621 00:33:36,082 --> 00:33:37,684 * IF YOU'RE DRUNK ON LIFE, BABE, 622 00:33:37,717 --> 00:33:39,686 I THINK IT'S GREAT * 623 00:33:39,719 --> 00:33:44,391 * BUT WHILE IN THIS WORD, I 624 00:33:44,424 --> 00:33:45,959 THINK I'LL TAKE MY WHISKEY 625 00:33:45,992 --> 00:33:50,663 NEAT * 626 00:33:50,697 --> 00:33:52,198 * MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT 627 00:33:52,232 --> 00:33:54,334 THREE * 628 00:33:54,367 --> 00:33:57,437 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 629 00:33:57,470 --> 00:34:03,209 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 630 00:34:03,243 --> 00:34:06,312 * I TAKE MY WHISKEY NEAT * 631 00:34:06,346 --> 00:34:07,847 * MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT 632 00:34:07,881 --> 00:34:09,482 THREE * 633 00:34:09,516 --> 00:34:14,154 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 634 00:34:14,187 --> 00:34:22,529 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 635 00:34:22,562 --> 00:34:35,075 * OH, OH OH * 636 00:34:35,075 --> 00:34:36,609 * I AIM LOW, I AIM TRUE AND THE 637 00:34:36,643 --> 00:34:42,449 GROUND IS WHERE I GO * 638 00:34:42,482 --> 00:34:44,984 * I WORK LATE, WHERE I'M FREE 639 00:34:45,085 --> 00:34:45,985 FROM THE PHONE * 640 00:34:46,086 --> 00:34:47,454 * AND THE JOB GETS DONE, BUT YOU 641 00:34:47,487 --> 00:34:49,089 WORRY SOME, I KNOW * 642 00:34:49,089 --> 00:34:50,590 * BUT WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER, 643 00:34:50,623 --> 00:34:52,692 BABE * 644 00:34:52,726 --> 00:34:54,160 * YOU TREAT YOUR MOUTH AS IF 645 00:34:54,194 --> 00:34:56,896 IT'S HEAVEN'S GATE * 646 00:34:56,930 --> 00:34:58,398 * THE REST OF YOU LIKE YOU'RE 647 00:34:58,431 --> 00:35:01,067 THE TSA * 648 00:35:01,101 --> 00:35:02,635 * I WISH I COULD GO ALONG, BABE, 649 00:35:02,669 --> 00:35:04,170 DON'T GET ME WRONG * 650 00:35:04,204 --> 00:35:08,341 * YOU KNOW YOU'RE BRIGHT AS THE 651 00:35:08,375 --> 00:35:10,944 MORNING, SOFT AS THE RAIN, 652 00:35:11,044 --> 00:35:11,678 PRETTY AS A VINE, AS SWEET AS A 653 00:35:11,711 --> 00:35:15,682 GRAPE * 654 00:35:15,715 --> 00:35:17,183 * IF YOU COULD SIT IN A BARREL, 655 00:35:17,217 --> 00:35:17,851 MAYBE I'LL WAIT, UNTIL THAT 656 00:35:17,884 --> 00:35:21,154 DAY * 657 00:35:21,187 --> 00:35:24,891 * I'D RATHER TAKE MY WHISKEY 658 00:35:24,924 --> 00:35:29,662 NEAT, MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED 659 00:35:29,696 --> 00:35:30,630 AT THREE * 660 00:35:30,663 --> 00:35:33,800 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 661 00:35:33,833 --> 00:35:38,471 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 662 00:35:38,505 --> 00:35:41,641 * I TAKE MY WHISKEY NEAT * 663 00:35:41,675 --> 00:35:43,176 * MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT 664 00:35:43,209 --> 00:35:45,211 THREE * 665 00:35:45,245 --> 00:35:49,416 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 666 00:35:49,449 --> 00:35:59,826 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 667 00:35:59,859 --> 00:36:01,895 * WHOA, OH * 668 00:36:01,928 --> 00:36:08,668 * WHOA, OH * 669 00:36:08,702 --> 00:36:16,476 * WHOA, OH * 670 00:36:16,509 --> 00:36:20,146 * WHOA, OH * 671 00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:26,920 * WHOA, OH * 672 00:36:26,953 --> 00:36:28,955 * WHOA, OH * 673 00:36:29,055 --> 00:36:36,296 * I TAKE MY WHISKEY NEAT, MY 674 00:36:36,329 --> 00:36:36,963 COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT 675 00:36:37,063 --> 00:36:37,897 THREE * 676 00:36:37,931 --> 00:36:42,569 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 677 00:36:42,602 --> 00:36:44,637 * YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME * 678 00:36:44,671 --> 00:36:53,313 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 679 00:37:01,388 --> 00:37:02,889 It's Weekend Update 680 00:37:02,922 --> 00:37:05,925 with Colin Jost and Michael Che. 681 00:37:15,101 --> 00:37:16,636 Thank you. 682 00:37:16,670 --> 00:37:18,304 Thank you very much. 683 00:37:18,338 --> 00:37:18,872 Thank you. 684 00:37:19,673 --> 00:37:20,607 Good evening. Good evening everyone. 685 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:21,408 Welcome to Weekend Update. 686 00:37:21,441 --> 00:37:24,444 I'm Michael che I'm Colin Jost. 687 00:37:26,613 --> 00:37:30,150 Well it is our last show of a wild 2024 688 00:37:30,183 --> 00:37:34,120 that saw did he go to jail, Donald Trump get reelected 689 00:37:34,154 --> 00:37:39,059 president and Elon Musk appoint himself co-president. 690 00:37:39,059 --> 00:37:41,061 And I don't know what next year will hold. 691 00:37:41,061 --> 00:37:43,296 But one thing's for certain, we will see 692 00:37:43,329 --> 00:37:46,599 all three of those guys at SNL 50th anniversary. 693 00:37:50,670 --> 00:37:53,673 Luigi Mangione drop. 694 00:37:55,475 --> 00:37:57,510 Yeah, 695 00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:58,678 yeah, definitely. 696 00:37:58,712 --> 00:38:00,380 Woohoo! 697 00:38:00,413 --> 00:38:03,383 You're rolling for justice, right? 698 00:38:03,416 --> 00:38:06,052 Luigi Mantione dropped his extradition fight 699 00:38:06,086 --> 00:38:07,587 and was flown from Pennsylvania 700 00:38:07,620 --> 00:38:09,923 to New York to face multiple charges. 701 00:38:10,023 --> 00:38:13,493 In related news, Bumble exploded. 702 00:38:15,562 --> 00:38:18,565 Luigi Mangione has been placed in the same federal prison 703 00:38:18,598 --> 00:38:23,036 as Sean Combs, said Combs Christmas came early. 704 00:38:26,206 --> 00:38:28,375 It was reported that the House Ethics Committee 705 00:38:28,408 --> 00:38:31,811 has voted to release its report on sexual misconduct charges 706 00:38:31,845 --> 00:38:33,079 against Matt Gaetz. 707 00:38:33,113 --> 00:38:35,048 Gaetz says he's just glad his girlfriend 708 00:38:35,048 --> 00:38:38,051 is too young to read the news. 709 00:38:43,056 --> 00:38:44,858 Hello, jury. 710 00:38:44,891 --> 00:38:50,363 Jorge Santos has announced a new podcast called Pants on Fire, 711 00:38:50,397 --> 00:38:53,066 and you can download the first episode for free 712 00:38:53,066 --> 00:38:57,604 simply by entering your full Social Security number. 713 00:38:57,637 --> 00:39:00,440 Donald Trump has transferred all of his shares of Trump 714 00:39:00,473 --> 00:39:03,543 media into a trust controlled by Donald Trump Jr. 715 00:39:03,576 --> 00:39:06,846 While Eric was giving some bubble rape to. 716 00:39:09,683 --> 00:39:11,718 Bubble wrap to top. 717 00:39:11,751 --> 00:39:15,355 Shut up, Colin 718 00:39:15,388 --> 00:39:19,025 What is bubble rape 719 00:39:19,025 --> 00:39:20,293 Great. Let's get that. 720 00:39:20,326 --> 00:39:22,829 Let's get that online of the first. 721 00:39:22,862 --> 00:39:26,533 The first severe human case of bird flu in the U.S. 722 00:39:26,566 --> 00:39:28,134 has just been confirmed. 723 00:39:28,168 --> 00:39:29,035 But don't worry. 724 00:39:29,035 --> 00:39:30,904 I'm sure this deadly animal disease 725 00:39:30,937 --> 00:39:33,840 will get handled perfectly by the road kill team. 726 00:39:36,643 --> 00:39:38,044 Donald Trump 727 00:39:38,044 --> 00:39:40,180 Donald Trump has selected Herschel Walker 728 00:39:40,213 --> 00:39:42,615 as his ambassador to the Bahamas. 729 00:39:42,649 --> 00:39:43,450 When? 730 00:39:43,483 --> 00:39:45,352 When told he would be an ambassador, 731 00:39:45,385 --> 00:39:48,388 Walker said correction, I is bassador. 732 00:39:54,561 --> 00:39:55,662 Disney announced 733 00:39:55,695 --> 00:39:59,599 that in 2027, it will release a full length Bluey movie. 734 00:39:59,632 --> 00:40:01,234 Yeah, yeah. It's exciting. 735 00:40:01,267 --> 00:40:03,436 It's where Bluey and her family unfortunately. 736 00:40:03,470 --> 00:40:06,473 Meet Cruella de Vil. 737 00:40:08,708 --> 00:40:10,944 This week, the FAA issued temporary 738 00:40:10,977 --> 00:40:14,180 flight restrictions over new Jersey as mysterious drone 739 00:40:14,214 --> 00:40:17,250 sightings across the state continue, with no real answers. 740 00:40:17,283 --> 00:40:19,753 Here to comment is a drone. 741 00:40:19,786 --> 00:40:24,190 Oh, hey. 742 00:40:25,992 --> 00:40:28,962 Oh. Hey, Michael. 743 00:40:28,995 --> 00:40:31,998 Wow. Indoors. This is different. 744 00:40:32,499 --> 00:40:33,233 How you doing? 745 00:40:33,266 --> 00:40:34,701 So, how are you? What should I say? 746 00:40:34,734 --> 00:40:36,770 What? Are you okay now? 747 00:40:36,803 --> 00:40:37,904 We're not going to do that. 748 00:40:37,937 --> 00:40:41,975 See, I know what I am, and I don't have to explain myself 749 00:40:42,008 --> 00:40:45,378 to anyone at any time for any reason. 750 00:40:45,412 --> 00:40:46,479 Okay? Okay. 751 00:40:46,513 --> 00:40:47,914 But who's controlling you? 752 00:40:47,947 --> 00:40:49,582 Who's controlling you? Michael, 753 00:40:50,884 --> 00:40:53,720 look, all y'all hate me cause I'm up. 754 00:40:53,753 --> 00:40:55,922 Everyone's like, is it UFOs? 755 00:40:55,955 --> 00:40:57,023 Is it military? 756 00:40:57,057 --> 00:40:59,459 Is it promo for SNL 50? 757 00:40:59,492 --> 00:41:02,395 Meanwhile, I'm just minding my business, hovering over 758 00:41:02,429 --> 00:41:05,432 people's homes, maybe filming them. 759 00:41:05,799 --> 00:41:09,069 Also, what is so threatening about random machines 760 00:41:09,069 --> 00:41:11,071 in the night sky? 761 00:41:11,104 --> 00:41:14,107 Guys, it's like y'all have never been to Afghanistan before, 762 00:41:15,108 --> 00:41:18,078 people, why are you in new Jersey? 763 00:41:18,078 --> 00:41:20,714 Why is anyone in new Jersey? 764 00:41:20,747 --> 00:41:21,448 Oh, right. 765 00:41:22,482 --> 00:41:24,351 Because there's beautiful nature and good schools. 766 00:41:24,384 --> 00:41:25,885 Yeah, yeah. 767 00:41:25,919 --> 00:41:30,423 I bet you thought I was going to make some cheap Sopranos joke. 768 00:41:30,657 --> 00:41:32,292 Oh, no. People live there. 769 00:41:32,325 --> 00:41:35,161 Have some respect for what you want. 770 00:41:35,195 --> 00:41:36,129 Who's scaring them? 771 00:41:36,162 --> 00:41:37,430 Oh, just by existing. 772 00:41:37,464 --> 00:41:39,199 God, everyone's so paranoid. 773 00:41:39,232 --> 00:41:40,633 All these dumb theories. 774 00:41:40,667 --> 00:41:43,670 Bethany Frankel's going super sane on TikTok, 775 00:41:44,371 --> 00:41:46,006 talking about orbs and plasma ones. 776 00:41:46,106 --> 00:41:47,007 Like she knows a damn thing. 777 00:41:47,107 --> 00:41:49,476 Besides had muffins at a grocery store. 778 00:41:50,477 --> 00:41:52,245 What are you talking. 779 00:41:52,278 --> 00:41:53,013 Hey, how? 780 00:41:53,113 --> 00:41:55,148 How about you ask your government, 781 00:41:55,181 --> 00:41:56,016 What are they saying? 782 00:41:56,116 --> 00:41:57,417 Well, they're saying these sightings 783 00:41:57,450 --> 00:41:58,918 are just manned aircraft. 784 00:41:58,952 --> 00:42:02,255 Okay, what's this obsession with whether I'm manned or not? 785 00:42:03,723 --> 00:42:06,893 For the record, I can get a man whenever I want, 786 00:42:08,428 --> 00:42:09,829 okay? 787 00:42:09,863 --> 00:42:11,865 Trust me, there's no problem there. 788 00:42:11,898 --> 00:42:13,066 Okay? Manned unmanned. 789 00:42:13,066 --> 00:42:15,702 I make it work 790 00:42:15,735 --> 00:42:17,070 a minute, Michael, 791 00:42:17,103 --> 00:42:18,938 you want to stick your face in the sun rotor about me? 792 00:42:18,972 --> 00:42:21,274 No real government. 793 00:42:21,307 --> 00:42:22,242 Yeah. You do. 794 00:42:22,275 --> 00:42:23,643 No, I don't. 795 00:42:23,677 --> 00:42:26,579 Okay. 796 00:42:26,613 --> 00:42:28,815 Well, if you're all obsessed, go ahead. 797 00:42:28,848 --> 00:42:30,917 Asked me who I prefer to have sex with. 798 00:42:30,950 --> 00:42:33,253 It's helicopters. Okay? 799 00:42:33,286 --> 00:42:34,554 I like helicopters 800 00:42:34,587 --> 00:42:37,590 because they're like me, but larger and louder. 801 00:42:38,091 --> 00:42:39,993 And they book a lot of TV work. 802 00:42:40,093 --> 00:42:42,696 What? I'm dating the helicopters from succession. 803 00:42:42,729 --> 00:42:43,430 If you must 804 00:42:45,265 --> 00:42:47,400 die. Everyone hates me. 805 00:42:47,434 --> 00:42:48,368 You all point me. 806 00:42:48,401 --> 00:42:50,603 Sugar lasers at me. Hide your kids for me. 807 00:42:50,637 --> 00:42:51,671 I feel like Elphaba. 808 00:42:51,705 --> 00:42:53,907 For real. For real. 809 00:42:53,940 --> 00:42:54,841 You know what? 810 00:42:54,874 --> 00:42:56,576 Here's what I think is going on. 811 00:42:56,609 --> 00:43:00,046 I'm the receptacle for everyone's anxiety and agita 812 00:43:00,046 --> 00:43:01,281 about everything. 813 00:43:01,314 --> 00:43:02,082 For what? 814 00:43:02,115 --> 00:43:04,918 For a drone, but a mirror to society. 815 00:43:04,951 --> 00:43:07,187 And potentially a killing machine. 816 00:43:07,220 --> 00:43:08,221 But fine. 817 00:43:08,254 --> 00:43:10,790 I'll be the villain because I'm the one you want. 818 00:43:10,824 --> 00:43:12,592 It's lame. 819 00:43:12,625 --> 00:43:15,628 Me so 820 00:43:15,662 --> 00:43:21,234 you can find me on through the Jersey sky. 821 00:43:21,267 --> 00:43:24,738 As Stephanie told you lately, drones are 822 00:43:24,771 --> 00:43:27,607 and I can fly up into the air. 823 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:31,845 And nobody and all the Jersey know, Bethany, 824 00:43:31,878 --> 00:43:36,850 that there is, or worse is ever gonna 825 00:43:36,883 --> 00:43:41,154 bring me down. 826 00:43:49,295 --> 00:43:50,964 Drone, everybody, 827 00:43:58,772 --> 00:44:01,041 Beautiful 828 00:44:01,074 --> 00:44:03,910 It's really hard to tell a joke now, 829 00:44:03,943 --> 00:44:07,047 a United Airlines pilot went into the captain to hug 830 00:44:07,047 --> 00:44:10,050 a passenger who had donated bone marrow to him, 831 00:44:10,050 --> 00:44:12,719 while a pilot on spirit stole a sleeping 832 00:44:12,752 --> 00:44:16,589 passenger's kidney. 833 00:44:16,623 --> 00:44:18,491 A pizza shop in Tennessee has created 834 00:44:18,525 --> 00:44:22,262 controversy after it declined to cater a gay wedding. 835 00:44:22,295 --> 00:44:24,964 Okay, but what if they called it a meat lover's 836 00:44:25,065 --> 00:44:28,735 wedding? 837 00:44:28,768 --> 00:44:32,205 And it's a new. 838 00:44:32,238 --> 00:44:34,641 A new study suggests that the moon may be 839 00:44:34,674 --> 00:44:38,078 100 million years older than previously thought. 840 00:44:38,078 --> 00:44:39,212 Oh my God. 841 00:44:39,245 --> 00:44:39,946 Retire. 842 00:44:39,979 --> 00:44:42,982 Bitch. 843 00:44:46,786 --> 00:44:48,922 A new study suggests that taking more 844 00:44:48,955 --> 00:44:52,692 than a thousand steps a day can reduce the risk of depression. 845 00:44:52,726 --> 00:44:55,795 Or you can end depression with one step. 846 00:45:00,700 --> 00:45:02,035 Higher. 847 00:45:02,035 --> 00:45:05,071 That's perfect for the holidays. 848 00:45:05,105 --> 00:45:07,207 Well, as you can tell from that joke, it's Christmas 849 00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:11,644 and we have a tradition here on our website. 850 00:45:14,848 --> 00:45:15,281 Yeah. 851 00:45:15,315 --> 00:45:16,049 Okay. Yeah. 852 00:45:16,049 --> 00:45:18,685 You're you're applauding. Now, 853 00:45:18,718 --> 00:45:20,820 we give each other jokes to read. 854 00:45:20,854 --> 00:45:21,187 Yeah. 855 00:45:22,155 --> 00:45:23,289 We're making each other read jokes live on the 856 00:45:23,323 --> 00:45:26,426 that the other person has never seen before. 857 00:45:26,459 --> 00:45:28,695 But time out 858 00:45:28,728 --> 00:45:30,864 before we do this, I know 859 00:45:30,897 --> 00:45:33,933 Michael is going to make me tell some racist jokes. 860 00:45:33,967 --> 00:45:34,501 Like. 861 00:45:34,534 --> 00:45:36,970 Like he always does 862 00:45:37,070 --> 00:45:38,071 this time. 863 00:45:38,071 --> 00:45:41,641 If you don't mind, I'd like to read all the jokes 864 00:45:41,675 --> 00:45:44,678 in black voice. So. 865 00:45:47,514 --> 00:45:50,517 So I don't get in trouble. 866 00:45:51,685 --> 00:45:54,654 I mean, I don't mind do what you got to do, man. 867 00:45:55,555 --> 00:45:58,692 I don't even know what black voices. 868 00:45:58,725 --> 00:46:00,093 Where do you bring that up? 869 00:46:00,126 --> 00:46:03,129 Please, why don't you do the first joke? 870 00:46:10,704 --> 00:46:11,438 So sorry. 871 00:46:11,471 --> 00:46:14,274 In advance. 872 00:46:14,307 --> 00:46:15,275 Oh, reparations. 873 00:46:15,308 --> 00:46:18,311 I wonder what this is about. 874 00:46:20,714 --> 00:46:23,049 Okay, okay. 875 00:46:23,083 --> 00:46:25,051 Okay, okay. Y'all know my girl. 876 00:46:29,155 --> 00:46:31,925 You. Y'all know my girl. 877 00:46:31,958 --> 00:46:36,196 Kamala Harris held a town hall talking about. 878 00:46:36,229 --> 00:46:39,766 She still supports the idea of slavery reparations. 879 00:46:39,799 --> 00:46:42,802 Well, damn, girl. Me too. 880 00:46:42,836 --> 00:46:45,205 Because the white people deserve our money back 881 00:46:45,238 --> 00:46:52,979 for all those slaves that ran away. Shiz 882 00:46:55,615 --> 00:46:56,916 I ain't afraid of you 883 00:46:56,950 --> 00:47:00,020 mofo|s 884 00:47:01,154 --> 00:47:04,257 Wow. I had no idea that 885 00:47:04,290 --> 00:47:07,160 black voice was. 886 00:47:07,193 --> 00:47:09,729 A new study finds that women are more 887 00:47:09,763 --> 00:47:12,399 likely to have an orgasm if they are in touch 888 00:47:12,432 --> 00:47:15,468 with their body signals, such as heart rate 889 00:47:15,502 --> 00:47:18,638 and breathing, as opposed to the women I have sex with 890 00:47:18,672 --> 00:47:22,542 who just hold their breath until its over 891 00:47:22,575 --> 00:47:25,578 Oh my God. 892 00:47:31,117 --> 00:47:35,221 Why I, I want to dedicate 893 00:47:35,255 --> 00:47:38,491 this next joke to my boo, Scarlett Johansson. 894 00:47:46,066 --> 00:47:47,867 No! Oh, 895 00:47:47,901 --> 00:47:52,072 my God, he's so genuinely worried. 896 00:47:52,105 --> 00:47:54,407 Hey, boo. 897 00:47:54,441 --> 00:47:55,442 Y'all know 898 00:47:55,475 --> 00:48:00,313 Scarlett just celebrated her 40th birthday, which? 899 00:48:00,347 --> 00:48:03,350 Which means I'm about to get up out of there. 900 00:48:08,855 --> 00:48:11,858 Why is. 901 00:48:14,227 --> 00:48:14,928 She did. 902 00:48:15,028 --> 00:48:16,129 I think there's a little more. 903 00:48:16,162 --> 00:48:18,131 Oh. There's more. 904 00:48:18,164 --> 00:48:20,500 No, no, I'm just playing. 905 00:48:20,533 --> 00:48:23,370 We just had a kid together, and y'all ain't seen no 906 00:48:23,403 --> 00:48:24,471 pictures of him yet. 907 00:48:24,504 --> 00:48:27,474 Because he Black as hell 908 00:48:34,047 --> 00:48:36,449 Shiz 909 00:48:36,483 --> 00:48:39,419 I ain't afraid of you. 910 00:48:39,452 --> 00:48:42,689 Oh, sure. 911 00:48:42,722 --> 00:48:45,892 I ain't afraid of you, mofo. 912 00:48:45,925 --> 00:48:48,962 Moana two continues to set records at the box office 913 00:48:49,062 --> 00:48:50,063 because, like me 914 00:48:50,063 --> 00:48:53,933 and my good friend Jeffrey Epstein, as you can say, 915 00:48:53,967 --> 00:48:56,903 there's nothing like an island adventure with a teenage 916 00:48:56,936 --> 00:49:00,006 girl. 917 00:49:02,042 --> 00:49:02,876 I'm just kidding. 918 00:49:04,010 --> 00:49:07,547 I would never, ever sleep with a girl as dark as Moana 919 00:49:10,617 --> 00:49:12,652 And hey 920 00:49:12,686 --> 00:49:13,119 and hey 921 00:49:14,187 --> 00:49:16,089 Before we go, I would be remiss if I didn't address 922 00:49:16,122 --> 00:49:19,192 the allegations about Jay-Z. 923 00:49:19,225 --> 00:49:20,260 Oh, man. 924 00:49:20,293 --> 00:49:23,296 No no no no, 925 00:49:23,329 --> 00:49:25,131 some people are afraid to talk about it. 926 00:49:25,165 --> 00:49:26,099 But not Mikey 927 00:49:26,132 --> 00:49:29,269 The truth bomb Che 928 00:49:29,302 --> 00:49:32,038 So here it is. 929 00:49:32,038 --> 00:49:34,274 Jay-Z is innocent 930 00:49:34,307 --> 00:49:38,111 once, and I'm the party that I know because I was 931 00:49:41,147 --> 00:49:41,881 And did any of you 932 00:49:41,915 --> 00:49:45,885 listening when bad Boys for life. 933 00:49:45,919 --> 00:49:48,722 When it comes to the charges against you, 934 00:49:48,755 --> 00:49:51,691 I'll say the same thing I always said at some parties. 935 00:49:51,725 --> 00:49:54,728 I will help you off 936 00:50:03,403 --> 00:50:06,172 A strange, strange thing to say at a party. 937 00:50:06,206 --> 00:50:09,542 But wow. 938 00:50:09,576 --> 00:50:12,645 Not for real though. 939 00:50:12,679 --> 00:50:14,848 Costco Costco 940 00:50:14,881 --> 00:50:17,984 has removed their roast beef sandwich from its menu. 941 00:50:18,018 --> 00:50:20,220 But I ain't trippin. 942 00:50:20,253 --> 00:50:22,288 I be eating roast beef every night 943 00:50:22,322 --> 00:50:26,760 since my wife and the kid. Got. 944 00:50:33,566 --> 00:50:37,404 Nah, nah, I'm just playing baby. 945 00:50:37,437 --> 00:50:39,773 You know I don't go down. 946 00:50:42,242 --> 00:50:45,245 Shiz 947 00:50:49,749 --> 00:50:51,184 Oh my goodness. 948 00:50:51,217 --> 00:50:53,420 I can't believe you calling for Weekend Update. 949 00:50:53,453 --> 00:50:57,390 I am Michael Che I|m Colin Jost Goodnight 950 00:51:07,667 --> 00:51:17,711 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 951 00:51:17,711 --> 00:51:23,717 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 952 00:51:23,750 --> 00:51:34,894 ** 953 00:51:34,928 --> 00:51:48,842 [ SINGING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE ] 954 00:51:48,875 --> 00:51:49,576 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 955 00:51:49,609 --> 00:51:50,010 GREG JARRETT. 956 00:51:50,110 --> 00:52:00,620 GREG JARRETT. 957 00:52:00,653 --> 00:52:05,592 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 958 00:52:05,625 --> 00:52:13,233 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 959 00:52:13,266 --> 00:52:13,967 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 960 00:52:14,067 --> 00:52:16,436 >> HI. 961 00:52:16,469 --> 00:52:16,870 THANK YOU. 962 00:52:17,570 --> 00:52:19,205 BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. 963 00:52:19,239 --> 00:52:19,939 I MISSED MY FLIGHT OUT OF MIAMI 964 00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:20,974 INSTEAD OF A VOUCHER, THEY GAVE 965 00:52:21,074 --> 00:52:23,076 ME A TICKET TO THIS SHOW. 966 00:52:23,109 --> 00:52:23,810 >> MY FRIEND, YOUR ENGLISH VERY 967 00:52:23,843 --> 00:52:29,816 GOOD LOOKING. 968 00:52:29,849 --> 00:52:38,792 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 969 00:52:38,825 --> 00:52:40,994 >> YEAH, I'M SORRY. 970 00:52:41,094 --> 00:52:42,829 I ONLY KNOW TWO WORDS IN 971 00:52:42,862 --> 00:52:43,663 SPANISH. 972 00:52:43,697 --> 00:52:51,938 TEQUILA AND SHAKIRA. 973 00:52:51,971 --> 00:52:52,672 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 974 00:52:52,706 --> 00:52:52,939 . 975 00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:53,673 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 976 00:52:54,240 --> 00:52:54,441 I HAVE TO PICK A NUMBER? 977 00:52:54,474 --> 00:52:57,143 UNO. 978 00:52:57,177 --> 00:53:03,950 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 979 00:53:04,050 --> 00:53:12,759 IT'S MIAMI FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. 980 00:53:12,792 --> 00:53:15,829 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 981 00:53:15,862 --> 00:53:23,970 >> OH, GREG. 982 00:53:24,070 --> 00:53:24,704 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 983 00:53:24,738 --> 00:53:25,338 YOU KILLED HIM. 984 00:53:25,372 --> 00:53:25,839 >> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M 985 00:53:25,872 --> 00:53:26,339 SUPPOSED TO DO. 986 00:53:27,073 --> 00:53:27,507 CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME A HINT IN 987 00:53:27,540 --> 00:53:27,907 ENGLISH OR SOMETHING. 988 00:53:27,941 --> 00:53:33,813 >> OF COURSE. 989 00:53:33,847 --> 00:53:34,848 THE ENGLISH HINT. 990 00:53:34,881 --> 00:53:38,084 >> HELLO, GREGORY. 991 00:53:38,084 --> 00:53:43,289 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 992 00:53:43,323 --> 00:53:45,258 YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A FIRST HINT? 993 00:53:45,291 --> 00:53:48,395 LET ME HELP YOU. 994 00:53:48,428 --> 00:53:49,129 THE LANGUAGE THEY'RE SPEAKING IS 995 00:53:49,162 --> 00:53:55,869 SPANISH. 996 00:53:55,902 --> 00:53:56,236 BYE NOW. 997 00:53:56,269 --> 00:53:57,837 [ LAUGHTER ] 998 00:53:57,871 --> 00:53:58,838 >> THAT WAS THE HINT? 999 00:53:58,872 --> 00:54:01,574 WELL OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THAT. 1000 00:54:01,608 --> 00:54:06,913 >> OKAY. 1001 00:54:06,946 --> 00:54:07,647 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1002 00:54:07,681 --> 00:54:08,381 >> THIS WHOLE SHOW FEELS LIKE I 1003 00:54:08,415 --> 00:54:10,583 CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE AND 1004 00:54:10,617 --> 00:54:11,217 ACCIDENTALLY PRESSED TWO. 1005 00:54:11,251 --> 00:54:12,152 I'M SORRY. 1006 00:54:12,185 --> 00:54:12,852 I KNOW THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE, 1007 00:54:12,886 --> 00:54:16,489 BUT I'M GOING TO LEAVE. 1008 00:54:16,523 --> 00:54:16,823 >> OKAY. 1009 00:54:16,856 --> 00:54:18,558 ** 1010 00:54:18,591 --> 00:54:22,062 >> I KNOW. 1011 00:54:22,062 --> 00:54:22,762 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1012 00:54:22,796 --> 00:54:24,464 >> ALL RIGHT. 1013 00:54:24,497 --> 00:54:26,066 LOOKS LIKE I'M STUCK. 1014 00:54:26,099 --> 00:54:32,806 I'LL PICK ANOTHER BOX, I GUESS. 1015 00:54:32,839 --> 00:54:33,206 QUARTRO. 1016 00:54:33,907 --> 00:54:36,109 >> GREG, IT'S MILLION DOLLAR -- 1017 00:54:36,142 --> 00:54:36,676 >> A MILLION DOLLARS? 1018 00:54:36,710 --> 00:54:38,845 WOW. 1019 00:54:38,878 --> 00:54:44,084 >> GREG -- 1020 00:54:44,084 --> 00:54:48,788 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1021 00:54:48,822 --> 00:54:50,623 >> IS CHRISTMAS STRONG, IS THAT 1022 00:54:50,657 --> 00:54:56,296 WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME? 1023 00:54:56,329 --> 00:54:57,097 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1024 00:54:57,097 --> 00:54:58,865 >> I'M GOING TO SAY NO, 1025 00:54:58,898 --> 00:54:59,165 NO. 1026 00:54:59,833 --> 00:55:01,034 CHRISTMAS IS NICE, NOT STRONG. 1027 00:55:01,034 --> 00:55:01,501 >> NO. 1028 00:55:01,534 --> 00:55:04,104 OKAY. 1029 00:55:04,137 --> 00:55:14,748 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1030 00:55:14,781 --> 00:55:19,052 >> YEAH, YEAH. 1031 00:55:19,085 --> 00:55:19,753 FUERTE IS STRONG. 1032 00:55:19,786 --> 00:55:20,487 WHY DID BABY JESUS JUST PUNCH ME 1033 00:55:20,520 --> 00:55:20,887 IN THE NUTS. 1034 00:55:20,920 --> 00:55:24,891 SORRY. 1035 00:55:24,924 --> 00:55:25,625 I DON'T FEEL GREAT RIGHT NOW. 1036 00:55:25,658 --> 00:55:26,826 I FEEL NAUSEOUS AND I'M SWEATY. 1037 00:55:26,860 --> 00:55:28,361 >> THE PALMS ARE SWEATY. 1038 00:55:28,395 --> 00:55:29,062 ME WEAK MOMMA'S SPAGHETTI, HE 1039 00:55:29,095 --> 00:55:33,800 NERVOUS. 1040 00:55:33,833 --> 00:55:36,503 [ LAUGHTER ] GREG. 1041 00:55:36,536 --> 00:55:36,836 CRAZY. 1042 00:55:37,537 --> 00:55:38,071 >> I REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO 1043 00:55:38,071 --> 00:55:39,239 MY FAMILY. 1044 00:55:39,272 --> 00:55:40,340 THEY PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW 1045 00:55:40,373 --> 00:55:40,974 WHERE I AM. 1046 00:55:41,074 --> 00:55:45,078 >> DON'T WORRY, GREG. 1047 00:55:45,111 --> 00:55:45,779 YOU WIN 1048 00:55:45,812 --> 00:55:46,646 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1049 00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:48,081 >> I WON? 1050 00:55:48,081 --> 00:55:51,284 WAIT, HOLD ON, WHAT DID I WIN? 1051 00:55:51,317 --> 00:55:52,252 >> GREG -- 1052 00:55:52,285 --> 00:55:52,986 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1053 00:55:53,086 --> 00:55:55,488 >> MY PRIZE IS A NEW FAMILY? 1054 00:55:55,522 --> 00:56:00,360 BUT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THESE 1055 00:56:00,393 --> 00:56:01,061 PEOPLE. 1056 00:56:01,094 --> 00:56:01,761 [SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE] 1057 00:56:01,795 --> 00:56:05,065 [ SINGING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE ] 1058 00:56:05,098 --> 00:56:07,033 >> WHAT'S HAPPENING! 1059 00:56:07,067 --> 00:56:09,602 I DON'T WANT THIS! 1060 00:56:09,636 --> 00:56:11,738 I DON'T WANT THIS! 1061 00:56:11,771 --> 00:56:14,708 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1062 00:56:21,781 --> 00:56:24,684 >>> ONCE AGAIN, HOZIER! 1063 00:56:24,718 --> 00:56:25,285 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1064 00:56:25,318 --> 00:56:33,893 ** 1065 00:56:33,927 --> 00:56:38,064 * IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE BABE 1066 00:56:38,098 --> 00:56:41,701 IN THE DRUNK TANK 1067 00:56:41,735 --> 00:56:46,406 AN OLD MAN SAID TO ME 1068 00:56:46,439 --> 00:56:53,179 WON'T SEE ANOTHER ONE * 1069 00:56:53,213 --> 00:56:57,350 * AND THEN HE SANG A SONG 1070 00:56:57,384 --> 00:57:00,020 THE RARE OLD MOUNTAIN DEW 1071 00:57:00,020 --> 00:57:05,692 I TURNED MY FACE AWAY 1072 00:57:05,725 --> 00:57:09,329 AND DREAMED ABOUT YOU * 1073 00:57:09,362 --> 00:57:13,500 * GOT ON A LUCKY ONE 1074 00:57:13,533 --> 00:57:18,204 CAME IN EIGHTEEN TO ONE 1075 00:57:18,238 --> 00:57:22,375 I'VE GOT A FEELING 1076 00:57:22,409 --> 00:57:27,047 THIS YEAR'S FOR ME AND YOU * 1077 00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:31,251 * SO HAPPY CHRISTMAS 1078 00:57:31,284 --> 00:57:35,922 I LOVE YOU BABY * 1079 00:57:35,955 --> 00:57:40,126 * I CAN SEE A BETTER TIME 1080 00:57:40,160 --> 00:57:40,660 WHEN ALL OUR DREAMS 1081 00:57:40,694 --> 00:57:48,935 COME TRUE * 1082 00:57:48,968 --> 00:57:54,708 ** 1083 00:57:54,741 --> 00:57:56,776 ** 1084 00:57:56,810 --> 00:57:58,078 * THEY'VE GOT CARS 1085 00:57:58,078 --> 00:57:58,445 BIG AS BARS 1086 00:57:59,145 --> 00:57:59,546 THEY'VE GOT RIVERS OF GOLD * 1087 00:57:59,579 --> 00:58:00,113 * BUT THE WIND 1088 00:58:00,146 --> 00:58:01,014 BLOWS RIGHT THROUGH YOU 1089 00:58:01,014 --> 00:58:02,015 NO PLACE FOR THE OLD * 1090 00:58:02,048 --> 00:58:03,283 * WHEN YOU FIRST 1091 00:58:03,316 --> 00:58:04,117 TOOK MY HAND 1092 00:58:04,150 --> 00:58:05,185 ON THAT COLD CHRISTMAS EVE * 1093 00:58:05,218 --> 00:58:07,787 * YOU PROMISED ME 1094 00:58:07,821 --> 00:58:08,855 BROADWAY WAS WAITING 1095 00:58:08,888 --> 00:58:09,856 FOR ME * 1096 00:58:09,889 --> 00:58:11,191 * YOU WERE HANDSOME 1097 00:58:11,224 --> 00:58:11,825 YOU WERE PRETTY 1098 00:58:11,858 --> 00:58:12,359 QUEEN OF NEW YORK CITY * 1099 00:58:12,392 --> 00:58:13,159 * WHEN THE BAND 1100 00:58:13,193 --> 00:58:13,827 FINISHED PLAYING 1101 00:58:13,860 --> 00:58:15,028 THEY HOWLED OUT FOR MORE * 1102 00:58:15,061 --> 00:58:16,429 * SINATRA WAS SWINGING 1103 00:58:16,463 --> 00:58:17,030 ALL THE DRUNKS 1104 00:58:17,030 --> 00:58:18,164 THEY WERE SINGING * 1105 00:58:18,198 --> 00:58:19,599 * WE KISSED ON A CORNER 1106 00:58:19,632 --> 00:58:20,100 THEN DANCED 1107 00:58:20,133 --> 00:58:22,369 THROUGH THE NIGHT * 1108 00:58:22,402 --> 00:58:25,505 * THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR 1109 00:58:25,538 --> 00:58:26,539 WERE SINGING GALWAY BAY * 1110 00:58:26,573 --> 00:58:28,675 * AND THE BELLS 1111 00:58:28,708 --> 00:58:32,278 WERE RINGING OUT 1112 00:58:32,312 --> 00:58:33,313 FOR CHRISTMAS DAY * 1113 00:58:33,346 --> 00:58:42,722 ** 1114 00:58:42,756 --> 00:58:44,758 ** 1115 00:58:44,791 --> 00:58:45,959 * YOU'RE A BUM 1116 00:58:46,059 --> 00:58:46,760 YOU'RE A PUNK * 1117 00:58:46,793 --> 00:58:48,194 * YOU'RE AN OLD HAG ON JUNK 1118 00:58:48,228 --> 00:58:48,795 LYING THERE ALMOST DEAD 1119 00:58:48,828 --> 00:58:50,063 ON A DRIP IN THAT BED * 1120 00:58:50,063 --> 00:58:51,398 * YOU SCUMBAG YOU MAGGOT 1121 00:58:51,431 --> 00:58:51,965 YOU'RE CHEAP 1122 00:58:52,065 --> 00:58:52,632 AND YOU'RE HAGGARD * 1123 00:58:52,665 --> 00:58:54,067 * HAPPY CHRISTMAS YOUR ARSE 1124 00:58:54,067 --> 00:58:57,303 I PRAY GOD IT'S OUR LAST * 1125 00:58:57,337 --> 00:59:02,008 * THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR 1126 00:59:02,008 --> 00:59:03,576 STILL SINGING GALWAY BAY * 1127 00:59:03,610 --> 00:59:04,811 * AND THE BELLS 1128 00:59:04,844 --> 00:59:05,311 ARE RINGING OUT 1129 00:59:05,345 --> 00:59:09,282 FOR CHRISTMAS DAY * 1130 00:59:09,315 --> 00:59:15,522 ** 1131 00:59:15,555 --> 00:59:17,590 ** 1132 00:59:17,624 --> 00:59:20,193 * I COULD'VE BEEN SOMEONE 1133 00:59:20,226 --> 00:59:23,363 WELL SO COULD ANYONE 1134 00:59:23,396 --> 00:59:28,034 YOU TOOK MY DREAMS FROM ME 1135 00:59:28,068 --> 00:59:32,739 WHEN I FIRST FOUND YOU * 1136 00:59:32,772 --> 00:59:34,307 * I TOOK THEM WITH ME BABE 1137 00:59:34,341 --> 00:59:35,875 I KEPT THEM WITH MY OWN 1138 00:59:35,909 --> 00:59:37,444 CAN'T MAKE IT ALL ALONE * 1139 00:59:37,477 --> 00:59:39,579 * I'VE BUILT 1140 00:59:39,612 --> 00:59:45,785 MY DREAMS AROUND YOU * 1141 00:59:45,819 --> 00:59:47,354 * THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR 1142 00:59:47,387 --> 00:59:49,422 STILL SINGING GALWAY BAY * 1143 00:59:49,456 --> 00:59:51,591 * AND THE BELLS 1144 00:59:51,624 --> 00:59:52,092 ARE RINGING OUT 1145 00:59:52,125 --> 00:59:54,127 FOR CHRISTMAS DAY * 1146 00:59:54,160 --> 01:00:04,037 ** 1147 01:00:04,070 --> 01:00:16,583 ** 1148 01:00:16,616 --> 01:00:29,029 ** 1149 01:00:29,062 --> 01:00:31,164 ** 1150 01:00:31,197 --> 01:00:34,300 * THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR 1151 01:00:34,334 --> 01:00:36,369 STILL SINGING GALWAY BAY * 1152 01:00:36,403 --> 01:00:39,039 * AND THE BELLS 1153 01:00:39,072 --> 01:00:42,142 ARE RINGING OUT 1154 01:00:42,175 --> 01:00:51,651 FOR CHRISTMAS DAY * 1155 01:00:51,685 --> 01:01:03,096 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1156 01:01:12,205 --> 01:01:14,674 You're watching Freeform's 25 Days of Christmas. 1157 01:01:14,708 --> 01:01:17,644 We now return to the animated classic A Charlie Brown 1158 01:01:17,677 --> 01:01:20,647 Christmas. 1159 01:01:40,767 --> 01:01:42,836 Stop dancing. 1160 01:01:42,869 --> 01:01:46,106 Stop dancing. 1161 01:01:46,106 --> 01:01:47,307 Who are you? 1162 01:01:47,340 --> 01:01:50,477 I'm Drake Tuttle, local community theater legend. 1163 01:01:50,510 --> 01:01:54,014 Your principal hired me to direct your pageant, 1164 01:01:54,114 --> 01:01:56,116 but Charlie Brown's our director. 1165 01:01:56,116 --> 01:01:59,119 And I'm sorry to say, he's dead. 1166 01:02:00,887 --> 01:02:03,323 Charlie Brown is dead to me. 1167 01:02:03,356 --> 01:02:05,191 He's dead to me. 1168 01:02:05,225 --> 01:02:06,192 But alive. 1169 01:02:06,226 --> 01:02:06,593 Sorry. 1170 01:02:07,394 --> 01:02:09,062 I shouldn't have paused after dead. 1171 01:02:09,095 --> 01:02:11,631 That was my mistake. 1172 01:02:11,664 --> 01:02:14,868 This is my colleague Lester, your new choreographer. 1173 01:02:14,901 --> 01:02:17,537 Hello. I'm a genius. 1174 01:02:17,570 --> 01:02:21,074 The stock not used to date, and our relationship is very weird. 1175 01:02:21,775 --> 01:02:23,810 Drake still thinks I'm in love with him. 1176 01:02:23,843 --> 01:02:25,779 Because you are. 1177 01:02:25,812 --> 01:02:27,514 Oh, you hit me. 1178 01:02:27,547 --> 01:02:30,083 Stop it, you queen. 1179 01:02:30,116 --> 01:02:33,119 Can you believe he's a talk? 1180 01:02:34,421 --> 01:02:36,189 This guy knows what I'm talking about. 1181 01:02:39,592 --> 01:02:41,895 No, I do not. 1182 01:02:41,928 --> 01:02:42,862 All right, all right. 1183 01:02:42,896 --> 01:02:45,098 First up, some housekeeping. 1184 01:02:45,098 --> 01:02:48,268 There will be no little kid acting in this pageant. 1185 01:02:48,301 --> 01:02:50,337 Any good acting, for example. 1186 01:02:50,370 --> 01:02:51,871 This is good acting. 1187 01:02:51,905 --> 01:02:54,240 Oh, mother, you're drunk again. 1188 01:02:54,274 --> 01:02:56,109 That's unacceptable. 1189 01:02:56,109 --> 01:02:58,912 From my way of faking teeth. 1190 01:02:58,945 --> 01:03:01,815 Any questions? Yes. You. 1191 01:03:01,848 --> 01:03:03,583 Yeah. May I drop out of the show? 1192 01:03:03,616 --> 01:03:06,419 No, no, no, I'd like to get a sense of everyone's modern 1193 01:03:06,453 --> 01:03:07,687 hip hop dance skills. 1194 01:03:07,721 --> 01:03:09,923 So I think you ought to perform this combination. 1195 01:03:09,956 --> 01:03:10,924 One. Two. 1196 01:03:10,957 --> 01:03:13,727 Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Your turn. 1197 01:03:13,760 --> 01:03:14,394 Five. Six. 1198 01:03:14,427 --> 01:03:14,828 Seven. 1199 01:03:14,861 --> 01:03:17,864 Eight. 1200 01:03:18,832 --> 01:03:19,699 No no no. 1201 01:03:19,733 --> 01:03:22,268 Stop stop, stop! Oh, we have a lot of work. 1202 01:03:22,302 --> 01:03:23,636 No, that's not. They're not good. 1203 01:03:23,670 --> 01:03:24,571 They're not good. 1204 01:03:24,604 --> 01:03:28,141 Now we have some notes for the ensemble. And. 1205 01:03:28,174 --> 01:03:31,578 I'm sorry, I don't know your name, but you don't face, 1206 01:03:33,446 --> 01:03:36,182 me. My name is Pig Pen, sir. 1207 01:03:36,216 --> 01:03:36,883 I'm sorry. 1208 01:03:36,916 --> 01:03:38,284 I'm having trouble hearing you. 1209 01:03:38,318 --> 01:03:41,321 Your name is Pig Penis. 1210 01:03:41,621 --> 01:03:43,390 No, sir. It's pig pen. 1211 01:03:43,423 --> 01:03:47,427 But you are the filthiest child I have ever, ever seen. 1212 01:03:47,627 --> 01:03:50,830 Okay, the shower and that hoarder house you live in. 1213 01:03:50,864 --> 01:03:52,999 And clean yourself for tomorrow's rehearsal. 1214 01:03:53,099 --> 01:03:55,568 Thank you. Pig penis 1215 01:03:55,602 --> 01:03:56,236 piano kid. 1216 01:03:57,237 --> 01:03:57,904 Keep doing what you're doing. Because I like it. 1217 01:03:57,937 --> 01:03:59,673 You're deep in the groove. 1218 01:03:59,706 --> 01:04:02,809 That's what he used to say to me. 1219 01:04:02,842 --> 01:04:05,045 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 1220 01:04:05,045 --> 01:04:08,048 He gets it. 1221 01:04:10,050 --> 01:04:12,052 I do not. 1222 01:04:12,085 --> 01:04:14,120 Boy. The red shirt boy in the red shirt. 1223 01:04:14,154 --> 01:04:15,889 What's with the blanket? 1224 01:04:15,922 --> 01:04:18,558 I love my blanket. 1225 01:04:18,591 --> 01:04:19,426 Right this way. 1226 01:04:19,459 --> 01:04:21,461 We will do our best to accommodate 1227 01:04:21,494 --> 01:04:24,898 any and all cast members who are on the spectrum. 1228 01:04:25,799 --> 01:04:30,070 And last but not least, we have a few questions for the dog. 1229 01:04:30,937 --> 01:04:33,073 Oh. That's me. 1230 01:04:33,106 --> 01:04:34,341 Yes. There's something about you. 1231 01:04:34,374 --> 01:04:37,377 You're just so, so 1232 01:04:37,777 --> 01:04:40,613 cool. 1233 01:04:40,647 --> 01:04:43,083 Yes. That's it. 1234 01:04:43,116 --> 01:04:46,086 Are you a boy dog or a girl dog? 1235 01:04:47,253 --> 01:04:50,657 Snoopy look like a bitch to you. 1236 01:04:50,690 --> 01:04:52,625 I see you're a boy now. 1237 01:04:52,659 --> 01:04:54,461 Have you been fixed? 1238 01:04:54,494 --> 01:04:57,497 Nah, man, cause I ain't broken. 1239 01:04:58,198 --> 01:05:00,633 Oh, my God, you're a star. 1240 01:05:00,667 --> 01:05:01,201 Exactly. 1241 01:05:01,234 --> 01:05:02,268 No offense to the kids, 1242 01:05:02,302 --> 01:05:04,504 but obviously anyone who comes to this show 1243 01:05:04,537 --> 01:05:09,042 will only be looking at the beagle who can play the guitar. 1244 01:05:09,075 --> 01:05:10,677 Oh, that's for sure. 1245 01:05:10,710 --> 01:05:13,046 Okay. New career. Snoopy. You shred that guitar. 1246 01:05:13,046 --> 01:05:14,914 Everyone else get behind the dog and swear like this. 1247 01:05:14,948 --> 01:05:18,218 And .5678. 1248 01:05:33,299 --> 01:05:35,201 ** 1249 01:05:35,235 --> 01:05:39,773 >>> MY THANKS TO HOZIER, TOM 1250 01:05:39,806 --> 01:05:41,341 HANKS. 1251 01:05:41,374 --> 01:05:45,211 PAUL RUDD, TINA FEY, SCARLETT 1252 01:05:45,245 --> 01:05:48,148 JOHANSSON, EMMA STONE, MELISSA 1253 01:05:48,181 --> 01:05:52,419 McCARTHY, AND DANA CARVEY AND 1254 01:05:52,452 --> 01:05:54,988 JOHN MULANEY AND 1255 01:05:55,088 --> 01:05:58,158 THIS BRILLIANT CAST. 1256 01:05:58,191 --> 01:05:59,259 LORNE MICHAELS, EVERY ELEMENT OF 1257 01:05:59,292 --> 01:06:00,060 THIS SHOW IT'S A DREAM TO DO. 1258 01:06:00,093 --> 01:06:02,228 MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW 1259 01:06:02,262 --> 01:06:03,763 YEAR. 1260 01:06:03,797 --> 01:06:05,865 ** 1261 01:06:05,899 --> 01:06:19,212 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].