Hello
Hello.
I'm Tom Hanks.
In December 1990,
I created the SNL Five Timers Club,
and ingeniously lazy way to avoid writing a monologue.
It has grown into one of the most exclusive clubs
in the industry.
And tonight we are here to induct our newest member.
Hey, Tom. Tom.
I got to ask,
who the hell are you talking to here about?
Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I've done so many documentaries.
Whenever I sit in a leather chair,
I just naturally assume I'm in one.
Well, should we let him in?
He's been standing outside for 20 minutes.
Absolutely.
Martin Short.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
What a what a surprise that I've known about all week.
Well, get over here, Marty.
Hey, have they, tell you the secret handshake?
Of course they have.
One two.
Three.
Four. Five. You're great.
You're great.
Hey, what do they call you, by the way?
Marty or Martin or.
Well, my friends all call me Marty, so you can call me Mr.
Martin Short.
Marty.
You know, I am so glad that you were here.
You were one of the rarest things in Hollywood.
A writer who's attractive enough to be on camera.
And you are one of the least rare things in Hollywood,
a loud man. Oh.
Thank you. See? You're right.
You're so right.
Oh, hey. Thank you. Kid.
Martin, may I offer you our signature cocktail?
The Marty teeny.
It's just like you. Super sweet.
And after a few sips, you're like, I get it.
You know, it's often paired with our Steve Martini.
But tonight we're serving it solo, and I bet it's
even better on its own.
Now, first things first.
We need to make sure you're really ready to be a five timer.
Quick! Name three current cast members.
No idea. Correct.
And that was the whole test.
Wow. And, hey, you picked a great time of year to join.
This is our annual Christmas party.
Yes, and I love the decorations.
My goodness. Yes.
These are actually, scripts, that we all sabotaged
because a cast member had a better part than we do.
I can do that.
Of course you can.
Here in the Five Timers club.
Now, the rules are different.
Oh, look. Look at your robe.
Well, that's right, I've hosted 17 times.
I happen to be a very useful type of show.
They call me when they need someone to play a Republican.
Because of my
face, my voice and my strong daddy vibes.
Yes, really a daddy.
Go to your room, Tina.
I wonder who that is.
A. Number up here for tonight.
Put the Secret Santa.
Oh, I'll take it.
I have to put my gift under the tree to.
It's not another book about World War two, is it, Tom?
No, it's about outer space.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
Are you in a bath robe?
I'm. I'm not living here.
But no one.
No one said that. Good cause.
Because I'm not living here.
Hello, Martin.
Hello, Kristen.
I hope you're not expecting a repeat
of what happened last year when we saw each other.
I'm not that girl anymore.
And I'm not that flexible anymore.
Hey, did you two have a thing?
We took a hot yoga class
together where we made love and got kicked out.
And then we both voted for Trump.
Don't tell them that.
Look, it's okay in this club, you can be completely honest.
Anyone else want to try?
Oh, go.
Ant man's powers aren't good.
I'll go.
It's me that's flying those drones.
All of.
I'll go.
I never had Covid.
Although I am Covid right now.
Although I have way too many children.
So we got water already.
But wait,
is this a five timer thing or an Only Murders reunion?
Well, it's true,
you know,
Tina and Paul were both guest stars, and it's embarrassing.
That shows
throw in big name cameos just for cheap ratings boost.
It's the worst. The worst possible.
And frankly,
Marty, honestly, this is such an accomplishment.
Hello, Kristen.
Hi, Emma
I hope you're not expecting
a repeat of what happened when I saw you last night.
I'm not that girl anymore.
And I'm not that drunk.
But you should know I'm getting close.
Good.
Well,
Well, I just
I just have to say that it is so nice
to see each other outside of a sketch.
I mean, we were gonna act like
the dignified salt of the earth celebrity folks that we are.
I don't know,
normally you'd be chugging ranch dressing
and crashing through a table by now.
Oh, shame.
But. Exactly.
Yeah. This is a classy place.
And you know where Joanie, that sophomore comedy sells here?
No. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to treat
myself to a cocktail.
Oh. Hi.
I just stopped
by to say congratulations.
God, look at you. I look at you.
I can't believe that we did that sitcom ten years ago.
Oh, you could never do that show now, because, like,
because everyone's so well.
No, because it wasn't good and no one liked it.
But you came back strong,
and then you crashed and burned, and then you came back strong.
And we're all so curious what will happen next.
Lets raise a toast. Shall we?
Oh, is there anything nonalcoholic?
Do you mean drinks or people?
Cause either way, no.
Well, Marty, you're finally in the Five Timers Club,
which means we've got a little something for you.
Jacket, boy.
Hey, everybody.
Hi. I just heard, I don't know.
I can only stay for a little bit,
and then I have to go and host
another game show and laugh at my own jokes.
Well, I mean, someone's laughing.
You get it?
Well, Marty, I just want to say I'm
so happy to be here for this moment.
So I like to present to you
the official Five Timers Club jacket in exactly your size.
A women's small.
Thank you all for being here.
This is such, such a night.
And from the heart of my heart.
I just want to say I love most of you so much
AND --
LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT
IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
>>> MUSICAL GUEST, HOZIER AND
YOUR HOST MARTIN SHORT.
**
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MARTIN
SHORT.
Thank you.
Thank you everyone.
How exciting this must be for all of you.
And tonight, it's the big SNL Christmas show, and I just.
I can't believe the holidays are already here.
But we must move this monologue along
because I have ten sketches to get to where I play an elf.
Also, I left my Uber driver waiting in.
And you know how testy Matt Gaetz can get.
But listen to me. Listen to me.
Not only do I speak from my heart,
but I speak from the cue cards.
When I say that I so thankful to my dear friend Lorne Michaels
for asking me to host tonight.
Thank you.
You know, than I am very close friends.
We're kind of like Trump
and Elon Musk without the sexual tension.
In fact, I'm reminded of
Lorne's words after every show I've ever hosted.
You'll get them next time.
But tonight I joined the Five
Timers Club.
I got to think of it, you know, I think
five must be my lucky number.
I mean, this is my fifth time hosting.
I'm about to start season five of Only Murders in the building.
I own
five cybertruck's not to drive.
It's just they're so beautiful.
My dear friend Steve Martin is also part of the club.
He would have been here tonight,
but he had a conflict with me not wanting him to be here.
And besides, it's rehearsal week for The Masked Singer, so,
you know,
so Steve and I posted together before, but,
you know, hosting SNL is a lot like sex.
It's great with a partner.
But sometimes it's fun to just knock one out by yourself.
And this week has been
so much fun and the cast is just so loved.
Oh. Hi, Sarah. Hi.
Is there something wrong?
Oh, Marty, I don't know what to do.
I want to have the holiday spirit, but all I feel is dread.
Don't worry that hair will grow up.
Why are you talking about my hair?
Well, you should have been.
I guess I'm just upset because the holidays
are supposed to be fun.
But everyone here is so stressed out, right, guys?
Yeah, you always seem so happy.
We were hoping you could, I don't know, cheer us up.
Please, Marty.
Oh, we ever so would love it is too short.
Gather round.
Youngsters and Keenan.
You know the holidays are always festival
and sure the world is going crazy.
But you know what?
I have a solution. Really?
For the purpose of this bit. Sure.
And I'll tell you how.
Or I could sing it.
That is, if you like, get.
This up, children.
Oh, no.
It's Christmas, it's TikTok.
You see, it provokes anxiety.
Good Christ, it's Christmas with yuletide stress and dread.
Your head's about to explode.
Oh, so you need a new prescription
just to get through Christmas.
Take a little edge.
Make sense of your existence. Yes,
you need a new prescription.
But fly higher than Blitzen.
Don't snort snow and don't smoke.
Holly.
Here's my plan to make you jolly.
My odds are hopping.
Oh, doctor.
Shopping for a psychiatrist.
Oh, doctor, I may need a spare, but seems to be a problem.
I have this recurring dream where I'm eating Armie Hammer.
Mama.
Thank you.
Okay.
They're benzos.
Benzos? Yes.
Oh, for a ketamine spritz.
Oh, boy.
Because you need a new prescription to quell the helter
skelter side.
Has his elves, and I have Martin's little helper.
I want a bike and X-Box and the newest iPhone.
Yeah. Greedy much.
get lost kid
Now tell me, what do you want for Christmas?
Well, I want world peace, but I need preparation
H cause you need a new prescription.
And take it from this corner
and get those meds before they're up.
But by RFK junior. Yes.
You need a new prescription, but nothing from the Sacklers
need a new prescription. Now.
Oh, Lorne, you smell wonder.
I didn't know Jack Daniels made Cologne.
God, I'm attracted
to you. Oh.
You never kiss me like that
anymore.
Yes. We need tranquilizing,
pharmaceutical correction and drug induced amnesia.
Regarding the election
And preferably something that won't kill my erection.
We need a new prescription
Now!
Yeah.
We have
great show for you tonight
Hozier is here
So stick around. We'll be right back.
Oh my God.
Dad just passed.
Well, I'd love to, Madison, but there's no spots.
Maybe that's because we're going shopping on Christmas Eve.
After noon. Ooh, there's a spot.
Hold on. Wait! Dad! Dad!
Watch out!
Oh, are you kidding me?
This guy Foley just tried to steal our spot.
Hey hey hey hey.
This spot.
This spot is mine.
My spot. No!
It's mine.
My blinker was on.
Are you serious?
Oh, are you serious?
I was here first.
What are you blind?
Me? Are you blind?
Dad, what are you doing?
He need a cane.
So I'm doing braille.
I saw this spot
before you.
Ha ha!
You wish.
Which
I swear on my mother.
My mother.
I don't care.
My mother is dead.
Shame on you.
I hate this guy.
Dude you blow
know how to dance?
I don't want to see that.
And I really don't like that.
One hand was doing this
Yeah, it's.
Guys like it, though. Madison.
Think again.
She's right.
Shut up.
Shut up!
Just get lost.
I need this spot.
I'm handicap
handicap
That is bull.
Bull. Crap.
Now my blood pressure is high.
Very high.
You are such a liar.
I never lie.
I'm super Christian.
Super Christian.
Liar!
Yeah!
Screw you!
Screw!
You're such.
a jerk
Don't do two at once.
I'm sorry. It's just a habit.
Don't
say that.
Come on, man.
It's almost Christmas.
Let me have the spot. You.
scrooge
I'm not scrooge
I have a good heart.
Can't. Good heart.
I'm more like Santa Claus.
Ho ho ho ho.
I didn't know what else to do.
I'm sorry.
If you won't listen to me.
Maybe you'll listen to my wife.
Well, I don't see.
a wife do you.
Our way right now.
I will kill you
and I'll make your dumb daughter.
My legs
will eat your face.
Hey! She hates you.
By the way,
you got it.
This spot is all yours, sir.
I know.
Happy holidays.
Yes. I got the candle for his sister
and the coat for my mom.
But they didn't have saving signs
at the first state fair I went to.
Miss.
Excuse me. Miss, I don't have any change.
Oh, no. No, you dropped this. Oh,
Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
I'll call you back. Hey.
Come with me.
Okay.
So, what are we looking to give him here?
How about a fresh start?
an excellent fit.
Perhaps a watch to complete the look.
Oh, I like the gold.
This.
May I ask, why are you doing all this for me?
Because everyone deserves a gift, a Christmas.
Speaking of.
Oh, this is too much.
It's just something to get you back on your feet.
Get a hotel room for a few weeks and plan your next act.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hey, honey.
Where the hell are you?
Well, Christmas Eve, Rachel, your entire family is here.
Well, I should be back by one.
It's 930. Where are you?
I'm at dinner.
Dinner? Gone insane.
You know what I want you to talk to someone,
and he will explain everything.
Hello? Hi.
Your girl is with me now.
You heard the girls run. Slipped.
Your girl is whining and dining, and
this chick is only here talking about.
I need to get a hotel with her.
Something like that buster
No, that's not what I said.
Hey, guess what time it is.
It's steal your bitch o'clock.
I thought we got the gold one.
Yeah, you did, but it was a buy one.
Steal one for free.
Who am I speaking to?
Man, you know me.
I'm Ricardo.
The d train devient Dumont, a.k.a.
the reigning champ of the knockout game.
Oh my God. Give me the phone.
Give me the phone. Honey,
I made a Christmas mistake and I am coming home now.
I just need to get my car from the valet.
But I promise you, I was just trying to do something good.
Oh, I believe you. Maybe just.
Just come home to us, okay?
I will love you.
Ricardo, I.
Excuse me.
Did you see what happened to the gentleman I was here with?
Oh, yes.
I think you meant to go get your car from the valet,
God, if only I had listened to Fox News.
Stay smart.
Stay rich.
Happy, Oh. You wish.
Merry Christmas.
Live from
gate 78, in terminal C, it's the Cibo Express.
Christmas week, airport parade.
It's chaos, it's mayhem, and everyone's afraid.
It's their Christmas parade.
Good evening. From Newark.
Which is how you say New York.
If you were on pills, which I am.
My name is Agent Chartreuse Hamilton, and I'm Umberto.
Umberto? What kind of name is that?
Well, my parents were
unsure about naming me Berto, so they told the nurse Umberto,
I love Umberto.
Who can we expect to see on the parade route this year?
While some new appearances as well as some old classics.
Here's one.
Now up first, it's a nervous flier whose edible
kicked in two early.
1000mg is low, right?
Because that's just one gram, right?
Wrong.
But I'll have what he's having, and I already did.
I'm on pills and potions. Ready?
Girl, I hate that you're my ride home.
Next up,
it's a woman who's saving her stinky meal for the flight.
I can't wait to eat my day old tuna melt,
and I got a middle seat.
Oh, nice.
Let's check in with our parade correspondent, Kenton.
Being the overly aggressive Delta Lounge employee.
Thank you.
Humberto.
The Delta large is glitz.
It's glam.
It's got the most beautiful buffet you've ever been to.
If you've never been to a buffet, you know,
I thought I had access to the lounge.
You're not dressed appropriately.
And Drake is in there.
Drake is in the Delta Lounge.
Well, is he the Drake or Josh?
I can't tell them apart.
Thanks, Kenton.
Next up, it's TSA employee
who says the same thing 12 different ways.
Bag in the bin.
Put your bag in the bin.
If you got a bag on hand, put it in the bag.
Sir, how are you going to celebrate the holidays?
Bagging a bit.
Oh, look who's next.
It's a parade.
First woman who accidentally sat down on a motorized suitcase.
This is my luggage create
a barracade
You know, let's check back in with Ken Kendrick.
You're not getting in.
I'm Paul Rudd.
Paul Rudd, that name sounds poor.
I was voted sexiest man alive.
Could someone hand me water?
Sexiest man alive?
Well, what?
It's telling him it's Tim Allen.
dead
Next up, it's an airport staple.
It's a white woman who's somehow
going to make the flight about her.
I might sing, I might yell at a baby.
I'm definitely going to watch a movie on my iPad.
No headphone
queen. Next
up, we have the least necessary employees in the terminal.
It's the Express Spa sponsored by Calm App
Masseurs
What's up? We got a holiday discount going.
It's going to be 5% off for a dry ass public massage
and free unhappy endings.
Please let us touch you
know they should get a job with TSA.
Yeah, it's up next. It's a classic.
It's a woman who wants to join the Mile high club.
And her boyfriend, who does not.
Okay, so I'll sit in the sink.
You kneel on the toilet, put your hands on the wall.
I'll put my feet on the ceiling.
Why can't we just make love in our bed?
Oh my God.
Oh, oh, did you hear that?
It's a gate agent who's having trouble with the names?
Flight 663 boarding now from Miami.
I need to speak with my cool little penis
to see my cool little penis
as soon as possible, face to face.
Next on my standby list, I have China so dry.
I have China so dry.
I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
I am China so dry.
Okay, please come to the counter.
Not so dry.
Speaking of names
starters, did your parents name me
that because they loved the color? No,
because they love charcuterie and they're illiterate.
Coming this way.
It's the parade Grand marshal.
Captain Sully.
Hello, everyone.
I'm here to introduce the grand finale.
So let's see if I can land this plane.
I'm sorry.
I thought there would be a round of applause.
Okay.
All right, now my rhythm's all off.
Anyways, please welcome
a group of passengers who just arrived from Turkey.
That's right.
Sully, they just got cheap cosmetic work done in Turkey.
Oh, that's a wrap on the Christmas week airport parade.
Remember,
keep us in your heart
parade
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HOZIER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
* CAN'T BE SAID I'M AN EARLY
BIRD *
* IT'S 10:00 BEFORE I SAY A
WORD *
* BABY I CAN NEVER TELL HOW DO
YOU SLEEP SO WELL *
* YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO LIVE
ALL RIGHT *
* TO GO TO BED BEFORE THE
DAYLIGHT *
* BUT THEN YOU WAKE UP FOR THE
SUNRISE YOU KNOW YOU DON'T GOTTA
PRETEND, BABY NOW AND THEN *
* DON'T YOU JUST WANNA WAKE UP,
DARK AS A LAKE *
* SMELLING LIKE A BONFIRE, LOST
IN A HAZE *
* IF YOU'RE DRUNK ON LIFE, BABE,
I THINK IT'S GREAT *
* BUT WHILE IN THIS WORD, I
THINK I'LL TAKE MY WHISKEY
NEAT *
* MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT
THREE *
* YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME *
* I TAKE MY WHISKEY NEAT *
* MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT
THREE *
* YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME *
* OH, OH OH *
* I AIM LOW, I AIM TRUE AND THE
GROUND IS WHERE I GO *
* I WORK LATE, WHERE I'M FREE
FROM THE PHONE *
* AND THE JOB GETS DONE, BUT YOU
WORRY SOME, I KNOW *
* BUT WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER,
BABE *
* YOU TREAT YOUR MOUTH AS IF
IT'S HEAVEN'S GATE *
* THE REST OF YOU LIKE YOU'RE
THE TSA *
* I WISH I COULD GO ALONG, BABE,
DON'T GET ME WRONG *
* YOU KNOW YOU'RE BRIGHT AS THE
MORNING, SOFT AS THE RAIN,
PRETTY AS A VINE, AS SWEET AS A
GRAPE *
* IF YOU COULD SIT IN A BARREL,
MAYBE I'LL WAIT, UNTIL THAT
DAY *
* I'D RATHER TAKE MY WHISKEY
NEAT, MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED
AT THREE *
* YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME *
* I TAKE MY WHISKEY NEAT *
* MY COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT
THREE *
* YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME *
* WHOA, OH *
* I TAKE MY WHISKEY NEAT, MY
COFFEE BLACK AND MY BED AT
THREE *
* YOU'RE TOO SWEET FOR ME *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
It's Weekend Update
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Good evening. Good evening everyone.
Welcome to Weekend Update.
I'm Michael che I'm Colin Jost.
Well it is our last show of a wild 2024
that saw did he go to jail, Donald Trump get reelected
president and Elon Musk appoint himself co-president.
And I don't know what next year will hold.
But one thing's for certain, we will see
all three of those guys at SNL 50th anniversary.
Luigi Mangione drop.
Yeah,
yeah, definitely.
Woohoo!
You're rolling for justice, right?
Luigi Mantione dropped his extradition fight
and was flown from Pennsylvania
to New York to face multiple charges.
In related news, Bumble exploded.
Luigi Mangione has been placed in the same federal prison
as Sean Combs, said Combs Christmas came early.
It was reported that the House Ethics Committee
has voted to release its report on sexual misconduct charges
against Matt Gaetz.
Gaetz says he's just glad his girlfriend
is too young to read the news.
Hello, jury.
Jorge Santos has announced a new podcast called Pants on Fire,
and you can download the first episode for free
simply by entering your full Social Security number.
Donald Trump has transferred all of his shares of Trump
media into a trust controlled by Donald Trump Jr.
While Eric was giving some bubble rape to.
Bubble wrap to top.
Shut up, Colin
What is bubble rape
Great. Let's get that.
Let's get that online of the first.
The first severe human case of bird flu in the U.S.
has just been confirmed.
But don't worry.
I'm sure this deadly animal disease
will get handled perfectly by the road kill team.
Donald Trump
Donald Trump has selected Herschel Walker
as his ambassador to the Bahamas.
When?
When told he would be an ambassador,
Walker said correction, I is bassador.
Disney announced
that in 2027, it will release a full length Bluey movie.
Yeah, yeah. It's exciting.
It's where Bluey and her family unfortunately.
Meet Cruella de Vil.
This week, the FAA issued temporary
flight restrictions over new Jersey as mysterious drone
sightings across the state continue, with no real answers.
Here to comment is a drone.
Oh, hey.
Oh. Hey, Michael.
Wow. Indoors. This is different.
How you doing?
So, how are you? What should I say?
What? Are you okay now?
We're not going to do that.
See, I know what I am, and I don't have to explain myself
to anyone at any time for any reason.
Okay? Okay.
But who's controlling you?
Who's controlling you? Michael,
look, all y'all hate me cause I'm up.
Everyone's like, is it UFOs?
Is it military?
Is it promo for SNL 50?
Meanwhile, I'm just minding my business, hovering over
people's homes, maybe filming them.
Also, what is so threatening about random machines
in the night sky?
Guys, it's like y'all have never been to Afghanistan before,
people, why are you in new Jersey?
Why is anyone in new Jersey?
Oh, right.
Because there's beautiful nature and good schools.
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you thought I was going to make some cheap Sopranos joke.
Oh, no. People live there.
Have some respect for what you want.
Who's scaring them?
Oh, just by existing.
God, everyone's so paranoid.
All these dumb theories.
Bethany Frankel's going super sane on TikTok,
talking about orbs and plasma ones.
Like she knows a damn thing.
Besides had muffins at a grocery store.
What are you talking.
Hey, how?
How about you ask your government,
What are they saying?
Well, they're saying these sightings
are just manned aircraft.
Okay, what's this obsession with whether I'm manned or not?
For the record, I can get a man whenever I want,
okay?
Trust me, there's no problem there.
Okay? Manned unmanned.
I make it work
a minute, Michael,
you want to stick your face in the sun rotor about me?
No real government.
Yeah. You do.
No, I don't.
Okay.
Well, if you're all obsessed, go ahead.
Asked me who I prefer to have sex with.
It's helicopters. Okay?
I like helicopters
because they're like me, but larger and louder.
And they book a lot of TV work.
What? I'm dating the helicopters from succession.
If you must
die. Everyone hates me.
You all point me.
Sugar lasers at me. Hide your kids for me.
I feel like Elphaba.
For real. For real.
You know what?
Here's what I think is going on.
I'm the receptacle for everyone's anxiety and agita
about everything.
For what?
For a drone, but a mirror to society.
And potentially a killing machine.
But fine.
I'll be the villain because I'm the one you want.
It's lame.
Me so
you can find me on through the Jersey sky.
As Stephanie told you lately, drones are
and I can fly up into the air.
And nobody and all the Jersey know, Bethany,
that there is, or worse is ever gonna
bring me down.
Drone, everybody,
Beautiful
It's really hard to tell a joke now,
a United Airlines pilot went into the captain to hug
a passenger who had donated bone marrow to him,
while a pilot on spirit stole a sleeping
passenger's kidney.
A pizza shop in Tennessee has created
controversy after it declined to cater a gay wedding.
Okay, but what if they called it a meat lover's
wedding?
And it's a new.
A new study suggests that the moon may be
100 million years older than previously thought.
Oh my God.
Retire.
Bitch.
A new study suggests that taking more
than a thousand steps a day can reduce the risk of depression.
Or you can end depression with one step.
Higher.
That's perfect for the holidays.
Well, as you can tell from that joke, it's Christmas
and we have a tradition here on our website.
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
You're you're applauding. Now,
we give each other jokes to read.
Yeah.
We're making each other read jokes live on the
that the other person has never seen before.
But time out
before we do this, I know
Michael is going to make me tell some racist jokes.
Like.
Like he always does
this time.
If you don't mind, I'd like to read all the jokes
in black voice. So.
So I don't get in trouble.
I mean, I don't mind do what you got to do, man.
I don't even know what black voices.
Where do you bring that up?
Please, why don't you do the first joke?
So sorry.
In advance.
Oh, reparations.
I wonder what this is about.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay. Y'all know my girl.
You. Y'all know my girl.
Kamala Harris held a town hall talking about.
She still supports the idea of slavery reparations.
Well, damn, girl. Me too.
Because the white people deserve our money back
for all those slaves that ran away. Shiz
I ain't afraid of you
mofo|s
Wow. I had no idea that
black voice was.
A new study finds that women are more
likely to have an orgasm if they are in touch
with their body signals, such as heart rate
and breathing, as opposed to the women I have sex with
who just hold their breath until its over
Oh my God.
Why I, I want to dedicate
this next joke to my boo, Scarlett Johansson.
No! Oh,
my God, he's so genuinely worried.
Hey, boo.
Y'all know
Scarlett just celebrated her 40th birthday, which?
Which means I'm about to get up out of there.
Why is.
She did.
I think there's a little more.
Oh. There's more.
No, no, I'm just playing.
We just had a kid together, and y'all ain't seen no
pictures of him yet.
Because he Black as hell
Shiz
I ain't afraid of you.
Oh, sure.
I ain't afraid of you, mofo.
Moana two continues to set records at the box office
because, like me
and my good friend Jeffrey Epstein, as you can say,
there's nothing like an island adventure with a teenage
girl.
I'm just kidding.
I would never, ever sleep with a girl as dark as Moana
And hey
and hey
Before we go, I would be remiss if I didn't address
the allegations about Jay-Z.
Oh, man.
No no no no,
some people are afraid to talk about it.
But not Mikey
The truth bomb Che
So here it is.
Jay-Z is innocent
once, and I'm the party that I know because I was
And did any of you
listening when bad Boys for life.
When it comes to the charges against you,
I'll say the same thing I always said at some parties.
I will help you off
A strange, strange thing to say at a party.
But wow.
Not for real though.
Costco Costco
has removed their roast beef sandwich from its menu.
But I ain't trippin.
I be eating roast beef every night
since my wife and the kid. Got.
Nah, nah, I'm just playing baby.
You know I don't go down.
Shiz
Oh my goodness.
I can't believe you calling for Weekend Update.
I am Michael Che I|m Colin Jost Goodnight
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
**
[ SINGING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE ]
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
GREG JARRETT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> HI.
THANK YOU.
BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
I MISSED MY FLIGHT OUT OF MIAMI
INSTEAD OF A VOUCHER, THEY GAVE
ME A TICKET TO THIS SHOW.
>> MY FRIEND, YOUR ENGLISH VERY
GOOD LOOKING.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> YEAH, I'M SORRY.
I ONLY KNOW TWO WORDS IN
SPANISH.
TEQUILA AND SHAKIRA.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
I HAVE TO PICK A NUMBER?
UNO.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
IT'S MIAMI FROSTY THE SNOWMAN.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> OH, GREG.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
YOU KILLED HIM.
>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M
SUPPOSED TO DO.
CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME A HINT IN
ENGLISH OR SOMETHING.
>> OF COURSE.
THE ENGLISH HINT.
>> HELLO, GREGORY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A FIRST HINT?
LET ME HELP YOU.
THE LANGUAGE THEY'RE SPEAKING IS
SPANISH.
BYE NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT WAS THE HINT?
WELL OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THAT.
>> OKAY.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> THIS WHOLE SHOW FEELS LIKE I
CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE AND
ACCIDENTALLY PRESSED TWO.
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE,
BUT I'M GOING TO LEAVE.
>> OKAY.
**
>> I KNOW.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> ALL RIGHT.
LOOKS LIKE I'M STUCK.
I'LL PICK ANOTHER BOX, I GUESS.
QUARTRO.
>> GREG, IT'S MILLION DOLLAR --
>> A MILLION DOLLARS?
WOW.
>> GREG --
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> IS CHRISTMAS STRONG, IS THAT
WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME?
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> I'M GOING TO SAY NO,
NO.
CHRISTMAS IS NICE, NOT STRONG.
>> NO.
OKAY.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> YEAH, YEAH.
FUERTE IS STRONG.
WHY DID BABY JESUS JUST PUNCH ME
IN THE NUTS.
SORRY.
I DON'T FEEL GREAT RIGHT NOW.
I FEEL NAUSEOUS AND I'M SWEATY.
>> THE PALMS ARE SWEATY.
ME WEAK MOMMA'S SPAGHETTI, HE
NERVOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ] GREG.
CRAZY.
>> I REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO
MY FAMILY.
THEY PROBABLY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE I AM.
>> DON'T WORRY, GREG.
YOU WIN
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> I WON?
WAIT, HOLD ON, WHAT DID I WIN?
>> GREG --
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
>> MY PRIZE IS A NEW FAMILY?
BUT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THESE
PEOPLE.
[SPEAKING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE]
[ SINGING IN A GLOBAL LANGUAGE ]
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING!
I DON'T WANT THIS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, HOZIER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
* IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE BABE
IN THE DRUNK TANK
AN OLD MAN SAID TO ME
WON'T SEE ANOTHER ONE *
* AND THEN HE SANG A SONG
THE RARE OLD MOUNTAIN DEW
I TURNED MY FACE AWAY
AND DREAMED ABOUT YOU *
* GOT ON A LUCKY ONE
CAME IN EIGHTEEN TO ONE
I'VE GOT A FEELING
THIS YEAR'S FOR ME AND YOU *
* SO HAPPY CHRISTMAS
I LOVE YOU BABY *
* I CAN SEE A BETTER TIME
WHEN ALL OUR DREAMS
COME TRUE *
**
* THEY'VE GOT CARS
BIG AS BARS
THEY'VE GOT RIVERS OF GOLD *
* BUT THE WIND
BLOWS RIGHT THROUGH YOU
NO PLACE FOR THE OLD *
* WHEN YOU FIRST
TOOK MY HAND
ON THAT COLD CHRISTMAS EVE *
* YOU PROMISED ME
BROADWAY WAS WAITING
FOR ME *
* YOU WERE HANDSOME
YOU WERE PRETTY
QUEEN OF NEW YORK CITY *
* WHEN THE BAND
FINISHED PLAYING
THEY HOWLED OUT FOR MORE *
* SINATRA WAS SWINGING
ALL THE DRUNKS
THEY WERE SINGING *
* WE KISSED ON A CORNER
THEN DANCED
THROUGH THE NIGHT *
* THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR
WERE SINGING GALWAY BAY *
* AND THE BELLS
WERE RINGING OUT
FOR CHRISTMAS DAY *
**
* YOU'RE A BUM
YOU'RE A PUNK *
* YOU'RE AN OLD HAG ON JUNK
LYING THERE ALMOST DEAD
ON A DRIP IN THAT BED *
* YOU SCUMBAG YOU MAGGOT
YOU'RE CHEAP
AND YOU'RE HAGGARD *
* HAPPY CHRISTMAS YOUR ARSE
I PRAY GOD IT'S OUR LAST *
* THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR
STILL SINGING GALWAY BAY *
* AND THE BELLS
ARE RINGING OUT
FOR CHRISTMAS DAY *
**
* I COULD'VE BEEN SOMEONE
WELL SO COULD ANYONE
YOU TOOK MY DREAMS FROM ME
WHEN I FIRST FOUND YOU *
* I TOOK THEM WITH ME BABE
I KEPT THEM WITH MY OWN
CAN'T MAKE IT ALL ALONE *
* I'VE BUILT
MY DREAMS AROUND YOU *
* THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR
STILL SINGING GALWAY BAY *
* AND THE BELLS
ARE RINGING OUT
FOR CHRISTMAS DAY *
**
* THE BOYS OF THE NYPD CHOIR
STILL SINGING GALWAY BAY *
* AND THE BELLS
ARE RINGING OUT
FOR CHRISTMAS DAY *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
You're watching Freeform's 25 Days of Christmas.
We now return to the animated classic A Charlie Brown
Christmas.
Stop dancing.
Who are you?
I'm Drake Tuttle, local community theater legend.
Your principal hired me to direct your pageant,
but Charlie Brown's our director.
And I'm sorry to say, he's dead.
Charlie Brown is dead to me.
He's dead to me.
But alive.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have paused after dead.
That was my mistake.
This is my colleague Lester, your new choreographer.
Hello. I'm a genius.
The stock not used to date, and our relationship is very weird.
Drake still thinks I'm in love with him.
Because you are.
Oh, you hit me.
Stop it, you queen.
Can you believe he's a talk?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
No, I do not.
All right, all right.
First up, some housekeeping.
There will be no little kid acting in this pageant.
Any good acting, for example.
This is good acting.
Oh, mother, you're drunk again.
That's unacceptable.
From my way of faking teeth.
Any questions? Yes. You.
Yeah. May I drop out of the show?
No, no, no, I'd like to get a sense of everyone's modern
hip hop dance skills.
So I think you ought to perform this combination.
One. Two.
Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Your turn.
Five. Six.
Seven.
Eight.
No no no.
Stop stop, stop! Oh, we have a lot of work.
No, that's not. They're not good.
Now we have some notes for the ensemble. And.
I'm sorry, I don't know your name, but you don't face,
me. My name is Pig Pen, sir.
I'm sorry.
I'm having trouble hearing you.
Your name is Pig Penis.
No, sir. It's pig pen.
But you are the filthiest child I have ever, ever seen.
Okay, the shower and that hoarder house you live in.
And clean yourself for tomorrow's rehearsal.
Thank you. Pig penis
piano kid.
Keep doing what you're doing. Because I like it.
You're deep in the groove.
That's what he used to say to me.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
He gets it.
I do not.
Boy. The red shirt boy in the red shirt.
What's with the blanket?
I love my blanket.
Right this way.
We will do our best to accommodate
any and all cast members who are on the spectrum.
And last but not least, we have a few questions for the dog.
Oh. That's me.
Yes. There's something about you.
You're just so, so
cool.
Yes. That's it.
Are you a boy dog or a girl dog?
Snoopy look like a bitch to you.
I see you're a boy now.
Have you been fixed?
Nah, man, cause I ain't broken.
Oh, my God, you're a star.
Exactly.
No offense to the kids,
but obviously anyone who comes to this show
will only be looking at the beagle who can play the guitar.
Oh, that's for sure.
Okay. New career. Snoopy. You shred that guitar.
Everyone else get behind the dog and swear like this.
And .5678.
**
>>> MY THANKS TO HOZIER, TOM
HANKS.
PAUL RUDD, TINA FEY, SCARLETT
JOHANSSON, EMMA STONE, MELISSA
McCARTHY, AND DANA CARVEY AND
JOHN MULANEY AND
THIS BRILLIANT CAST.
LORNE MICHAELS, EVERY ELEMENT OF
THIS SHOW IT'S A DREAM TO DO.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW
YEAR.
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].