1
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:42,075
What is this?

2
00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:45,378
What transpires
in this holy place?

3
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,914
Jesus. What angers you?

4
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,450
This should be a house
of prayer.

5
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,886
These merchants and money
changers

6
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:56,423
have turned it
into a den of thieves.

7
00:00:56,423 --> 00:01:00,126
Oh, Jesus. Man!

8
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,662
This will not stand.

9
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:08,268
I will read this place
of all its money.

10
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:11,705
And remind you of anyone.

11
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:14,507
Wow. I also got rid of money
last week.

12
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:18,611
But instead of one temple,
I did the whole country.

13
00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:20,847
Maybe even the globe.
The money's gone.

14
00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:23,416
Hi. It's me,
your favorite president, Donald.

15
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,251
Jesus, Trump

16
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,687
comparing
myself to the Son of God.

17
00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:28,388
Once again.

18
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:31,958
You know, many people
are even calling me the Messiah

19
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:36,262
because of the Messiah
made out of the economy

20
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:38,365
Because of my beautiful tariffs.

21
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:39,899
So beautiful.

22
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:43,970
They were working so well
that I had to stop them.

23
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:47,407
The Prime Minister of Canada,
big guy, tears in his eyes.

24
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:48,742
He called me

25
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,477
and he said, sir,
if you do this,

26
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:52,445
you will upend the global
economy.

27
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:55,515
Take the stocks and bond markets
and unite your allies

28
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:56,282
against you.

29
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,685
And I said, let me cook.

30
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:01,454
And then I burned dinner badly.

31
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,089
So we had to stop.

32
00:02:03,089 --> 00:02:04,357
But now everything is back.

33
00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:05,658
Exactly how it was.

34
00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:08,061
Minus a few trillion dollars

35
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,730
and the historic transfer
of wealth from the middle class

36
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:13,266
to my buddies. Oh, well.

37
00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:13,900
It's true.

38
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:14,968
The stock market did it.

39
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,936
Jesus. It died.

40
00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:19,906
Then on the third day,
it was risen.

41
00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:21,675
And then on the fourth day,
it died again.

42
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,576
Possibly never to return.

43
00:02:23,576 --> 00:02:25,145
Just like Jesus.

44
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,414
Where the heck is that
guy? Come back!

45
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:29,382
Get me out of this!

46
00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:32,852
Oh, and Jesus Christ is a name
we've been saying a lot lately.

47
00:02:32,852 --> 00:02:34,888
We're saying it a lot.

48
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:38,091
We look at our 401 K and say,
Jesus Christ, where did it

49
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,559
all go?

50
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,628
I don't know, but
we're going to fix that or not.

51
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:44,097
We'll see.
Should be interesting.

52
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,666
Look at Jesus back
there, flipping the table

53
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,301
like a Real Housewife.

54
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:51,938
Teresa.

55
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:52,339
Looking at me.

56
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:56,276
Oh, what game
featuring Emil Wakim

57
00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:57,877
He thinks he should be playing
Jesus.

58
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,212
He was telling
everybody backstage.

59
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:03,083
You know, the real Jesus would
have looked like me. Real, real.

60
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,484
But we
don't like to think about that.

61
00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:06,853
So we have Mikey Day. There

62
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:11,091
with his big,
beautiful blue eyes.

63
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,359
He's like, oh no way Mike.

64
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,360
Great Clips money.

65
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:18,298
I need my Great Clips money.

66
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:18,732
By now

67
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:22,402
it's almost time for Easter,
a holiday that is so special.

68
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:25,071
And frankly, I'm coming to me.

69
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:28,575
And today is the first day of
Passover for our Jewish friends.

70
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:31,911
We call it Passover because it's
when we pass right over.

71
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,113
The little kosher section

72
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:37,083
of the grocery store goes
straight to that Easter candy

73
00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:38,118
fish in a jar.

74
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:41,354
No thanks. I want to peep.

75
00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:43,123
We love Easter. We love bunny.

76
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,792
We love hunting for eggs,
just like everyone's

77
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:49,195
doing in the grocery store
right now, because they cost

78
00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:52,365
$1,000,000,000,000
billion price of eggs.

79
00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:55,101
I thought that was what
the whole campaign was about,

80
00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:56,503
but I just can't crack it.

81
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,505
Egg yolk. Here we go.

82
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:01,207
That's
actually kind of creative,

83
00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:02,842
but we love Easter.

84
00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:05,078
It's the day
where the most homophobic

85
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,682
people
try to dress as gay as possible.

86
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,084
Darling,
have you seen my bonnet?

87
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,888
Daddy looks lovely in his pink
seersucker.

88
00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,090
But we are looking forward
to Easter Mass.

89
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,726
Definitely. Easter
Mass is always packed, right?

90
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:20,960
You know, it's sad

91
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,230
some people only go to church
on Christmas and Easter.

92
00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:25,065
Not me.

93
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,834
I don't go on those days either.

94
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,070
But I like to pray.
I pray a lot.

95
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:30,937
I pray so much.

96
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:34,207
They call me predator.

97
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,208
Look at all them back there.

98
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,444
Look at Sarah,

99
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,745
stuck with a mouth open.

100
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:42,115
Bad choice.

101
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,283
And Kenan|s back there.

102
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:47,654
I love Kenan

103
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:50,590
Ya I|m leaving

104
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:51,558
You get. What are you doing?

105
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:52,759
You can't go Kenan

106
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,161
Yeah, I can

107
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:56,329
okay, I guess it's Keenan.

108
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:58,365
So he can go

109
00:04:58,365 --> 00:04:59,566
Ego thinking about it.

110
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,034
She wants to.

111
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,535
Oh, she's
thinking about walking.

112
00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,838
Do I have the juice to scoot

113
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,706
I don't know,
she had a big hit last week.

114
00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:08,842
Miss Eggy

115
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:11,578
This is not how to do things
these minute.

116
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:12,779
What? Don't say it.

117
00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:15,515
Don't say we'll get in trouble

118
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:16,649
anyway. What else I got?

119
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,650
What else I got?

120
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,587
I, had my annual physical
this week.

121
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:22,889
They said I'm in great shape.

122
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:26,393
One of the best shapes I'm

123
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,795
so, in contortion, the U.S.

124
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,897
dollar has died
and gone to money.

125
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,899
Heaven. Bye bye.

126
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:35,168
Some people say
I don't know what I'm doing, but

127
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,904
I actually am playing
four dimensional chess.

128
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:38,471
Okay? Bing

129
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:42,842
bing bing bing bing bing bing
bing bada bing bing bing me.

130
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:45,512
But in the holiest of seasons
Easter.

131
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,248
Let us remember the lesson
that Mr. Jesus taught us

132
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:51,551
when he went back
wild on those money changers.

133
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:54,621
We must never mix religion
with commerce.

134
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:58,191
You can read all
about that in my Trump Bible

135
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,259
now made in America.

136
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:04,397
So it costs $1,300
and it falls apart even faster.

137
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:04,764
All right.

138
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,334
Should I let him say it with me
this time I think I will.

139
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,903
Happy Easter,
happy Passover and live.

140
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,738
AND -- LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

141
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,073
SATURDAY NIGHT!

142
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:13,673
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

143
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:18,345
**

144
00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:19,045
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

145
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:22,048
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

146
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,064
A FILM BY "PLEASE DON'T

147
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,600
DESTROY."

148
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,838
MUSICAL GUEST LIZZO.

149
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:29,642
AND YOUR HOST -- JON HAMM!

150
00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:35,548
Ladies and gentlemen.

151
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:38,551
Jon Hamm.

152
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,772
Oh, wow.

153
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,206
Thank you.

154
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,007
Thank you.

155
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:02,909
Thank you very much.

156
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:06,479
Springtime in New York City,

157
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:10,016
41 degrees and damp

158
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:10,650
Oh, man.

159
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:13,319
I am so honored to be back here
hosting.

160
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:17,657
This is my fourth time. Oh,

161
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,893
but, it's been a minute.

162
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:24,297
The last time I host
it was October 2010. But.

163
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,398
But even though
it's been a while,

164
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,400
I've still been on the show
a lot.

165
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,501
In fact,

166
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:32,806
I was I was checking my own
Wikipedia, which I often do.

167
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:36,209
And, I found out that
since then, I've made 14

168
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:40,747
cameos.

169
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,248
And, you know, in many.

170
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,684
Ways, making a cameo
is even more special

171
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:46,353
than being the host.

172
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:49,656
Which is something Lorne told me
many times.

173
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:53,226
Always right before he loses
service going into the tunnel.

174
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:56,062
He's always in that tunnel.

175
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:56,363
But, yeah.

176
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:59,366
14 cameos. Let's take a look.

177
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,270
Okay.

178
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,572
Kind of.

179
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,172
Kind of. Maybe it's thought.

180
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,207
They would be played separately.

181
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,209
This for a weird, but,

182
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:09,743
really, any

183
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,112
any time they call me to
come on the show, I do it,

184
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,580
because nothing beats
that moment

185
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:17,217
when you walk out unexpectedly
and the audience just goes wild.

186
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,385
Check it out.

187
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,154
Hey, honey. Oh.

188
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,990
Oh, my.

189
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:28,094
Oh. Amazing.

190
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:29,262
I mean, right.

191
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,798
I love watching myself.

192
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,566
And the best part is,
I know that once

193
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,268
the audience dies down
and the applause dies,

194
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:35,769
and the writers

195
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,172
have written me a joke
that will electrify the crowd.

196
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,441
I don't just kiss and tell.

197
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:44,444
I kiss and tell,
and I take notes.

198
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,615
Except for that time, it's over.

199
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:50,450
That and a bunch of other times,
I know, but

200
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:54,087
but but look, I know a cameo
may seem inconsequential,

201
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,289
but it really is an important
part of the show.

202
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:56,523
Like.

203
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,758
Like when a sketch needs
that little something

204
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,927
extra
to take it from a medium sketch

205
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,697
to a marginally better
than a medium sketch,

206
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:06,166
or when a monologue
is feeling aimless and like

207
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,301
it needs a jolt of energy.
You know it.

208
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:09,602
You you would think.

209
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,282
Are you even doing here?

210
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:23,483
Oh. My monologue.

211
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,553
I know, I'm just,
just making a cameo.

212
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:29,823
Like I'm a huge, huge star,
and I'm doing really well

213
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,358
all by myself.

214
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,859
All right, I'm sorry, man.

215
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:33,827
Hell, I'll make it up to you.

216
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:34,361
Okay, cool.

217
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:37,097
They just give you your Oscar?

218
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,898
Oh, no. Why would I do?

219
00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:39,866
Don't you have enough, man?

220
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,670
I've seen those photos of you
in your gray sweatpants.

221
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,238
Must be nice.

222
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,106
All right. Whatever, dude.

223
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:49,642
You know that
madman in succession?

224
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:50,443
I'm sorry. What was that?

225
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,979
That Mad Men is better
than succession. That's what.

226
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:53,747
No. It's not.

227
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,383
Look, I think we can both agree
that you're wrong.

228
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,386
I love you bye

229
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,290
Well, I.

230
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,525
I guess
what I'm trying to say is

231
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,761
whether I'm hosting
or just popping by, it's

232
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,063
great to be on this show
in any capacity.

233
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,465
I mean, it's
an American institute version,

234
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:13,700
and there's literally nowhere

235
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,736
I'd rather be than right here,
live on this stage.

236
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,239
Say, we've got a great show
for you tonight.

237
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,441
Lizzo is here, so stick around.

238
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,276
We'll be right back.

239
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:36,890
You're watching CTCBC

240
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:40,860
the business news channel.

241
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:43,096
Welcome to check to check
business news.

242
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,131
Financial news for regular folks
live in.

243
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,666
Check to check.

244
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,735
You know. Paycheck to paycheck.

245
00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:50,103
I'm Tasia Walton, and.

246
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:50,970
I'm Kenneth Albright.

247
00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:54,107
And this suit is from Kohl's.

248
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,109
Well, markets are in turmoil
right now.

249
00:12:56,109 --> 00:13:00,213
Let's check on the S&P 500,
which is down 2.38%.

250
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,916
The Nasdaq Composite is down
265 points.

251
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,885
And Dow
industrials are down 2.88%.

252
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:06,619
Okay.

253
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,922
Does that mean
anything to anyone?

254
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:12,092
I'm sure it means something
to someone, but it sounds like

255
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,060
a bunch of gibberish to me.

256
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:18,765
Let's take a look at boxed mac
and cheese, which is up 4.5%.

257
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,368
To $1.59. Whoa!

258
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,535
Even across the street.

259
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,537
Even across the street. Kenneth.

260
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:27,073
Also,
Big ask box of Bisquick is up

261
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:30,343
from 239 to 2 that much?

262
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,845
And candy bars are up from.

263
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,280
Sure, baby. To put that back.

264
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,817
Overall, pretty
bad news for the grocery sector.

265
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,618
Tell me about it.

266
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,086
My family's been eating so much.

267
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:40,687
Top ramen.

268
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,690
My kids think we Japanese.

269
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,258
Let me take a look
at the health care sector,

270
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:47,093
where so far in 2025,

271
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:50,964
spending on doctor
visits remains steady at zero.

272
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:54,100
But millions of Americans
are investing in health care

273
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:58,271
alternatives such as just go
lay down, take an Advil and pray

274
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,839
it goes away.

275
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,908
All great options.

276
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:02,308
Well,

277
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,711
the Trump tariffs have caused
t-bill sell offs

278
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,513
which have rocked the bond
markets.

279
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:09,382
Are you worried about that?
I'm not. And I'll tell you why.

280
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:12,652
Because I don't know what
that is.

281
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,321
Either way, these tariffs
have real implications

282
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:16,523
for check to checkers

283
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,491
here with the International
Commodities report.

284
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,627
As David Hayes.

285
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:21,828
Thank you sir.

286
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,363
Well these
new tariffs are going to raise

287
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,165
prices on all imported goods.

288
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,133
But you can work around them
if you're smart.

289
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:30,070
For example I occasionally like
Perrier water

290
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,338
which is from France.

291
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:34,574
So instead
I drink this American version.

292
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:37,310
Uncle bubble.

293
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,079
This is made from pure Tennessee

294
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,248
tap water, and it is only $1.89.

295
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:44,951
Even domestic products
will experience some increases.

296
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:45,685
For example,

297
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:48,922
I used to eat Cap'n Crunch
cereal before the price went up.

298
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:51,391
So today I buy this.

299
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,626
Sergeant Munch

300
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,328
to the lower rank.

301
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,732
Lower price flavor. Bad.

302
00:14:58,732 --> 00:14:59,366
Awesome.

303
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,234
I love frozen pizza
from DiGiorno,

304
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,769
but it's pricing higher lately.

305
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,738
So now I eat

306
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:07,040
Devonte.

307
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,877
This delicious alternative

308
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:13,813
was created
by my cousin Devonte.

309
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:16,816
He makes pizza out of wonder
bread and ketchup.

310
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,752
Remember it's not delivery.

311
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,955
It's Devonte. Back to. You.

312
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,056
Great tips Kenneth.

313
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:27,961
We can all use that money
to pay back our student loans.

314
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,596
You never know.

315
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,630
Never going again.

316
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:36,069
Never going.

317
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:39,072
Nowhere.

318
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,073
I get. That money.

319
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:40,807
Okay, let's.

320
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,642
Take a moment for our sponsors.

321
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,310
Check to check.
News is brought to you

322
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:46,579
by America's
most popular toilet paper.

323
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,982
Chipotle napkins.

324
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,116
Hallway napkins.

325
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,218
Because Sherman prices
be trippin.

326
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:53,753
And by Taco Bell.

327
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:54,521
Taco Bell.

328
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:57,157
Should meat cost less than gum?

329
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:59,092
Don't worry about it.

330
00:15:59,092 --> 00:15:59,592
Well, check.

331
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,896
The checkers are always looking
for ways to boost their income.

332
00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:05,899
Here's Bryce Terry with the side
hustle minute.

333
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,070
Hi, guys.

334
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,772
Recent downturns
have many investors on edge.

335
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,809
And for my money,
there's no safer investment

336
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,844
than Funko Pops.

337
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:20,547
I sold my Freddy
Funko Batman Beyond on eBay,

338
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:25,218
netting me a whopping $560,
but I ended up buying several

339
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:30,123
rare new Funko Pops,
which set me back $3,400.

340
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,559
So I guess I broke even though.

341
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:36,863
Bryce, you sold $560 of Funcoes
and bought over $3,000 worth.

342
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,698
That's not breaking even.

343
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,734
Just give it a couple years.
Kenneth.

344
00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:43,069
Funko
Pops are a solid investment.

345
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,206
Bryce,
they're plastic dolls, right?

346
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,807
Yes. Get away from me, please.

347
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:50,377
Okay. Thanks, Bryce.

348
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,078
When we come back on check
to check news,

349
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:55,815
it's a shampoo, body
wash and shave gel all in one.

350
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,818
It's called bar soap. Oh, yeah.

351
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,120
That is the basics.

352
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,689
We'll see you later.

353
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,704
Ava Clarkson, 22,

354
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,539
didn't show up for work today,

355
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,142
and her roommate say
she didn't come home last night.

356
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:26,913
Any relation to, counseling
or to sister's kid?

357
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:29,282
Jesus Christ. Yeah.

358
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:30,050
City Hall's already

359
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,053
breathing down my neck,
so we need all hands on deck

360
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,790
reviewing surveillance, calling
coworkers, neighbors, everyone.

361
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:37,891
It's going to be a late
one tonight,

362
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:41,394
so order some pizzas and

363
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,063
let's find that girl.

364
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:46,066
Pizza.

365
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,070
Pizza.

366
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,971
Awesome sauce.

367
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,707
I'm sure you guys have noticed
that we have some friends

368
00:17:53,707 --> 00:17:55,608
from the bureau
joining us today.

369
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,310
Agent Murphy,
you want to come up here?

370
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,645
Thanks, chief.

371
00:17:58,645 --> 00:17:59,079
Yeah.

372
00:17:59,079 --> 00:17:59,312
You know,

373
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:00,680
there's been
a lot of misinformation

374
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,149
circling about this case
on social media.

375
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:05,552
So I'd like to open it
up to questions. What toppings

376
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,053
ya|ll think about it.

377
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:10,623
Hey, Daniel|s pepperoni.
Who said that?

378
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:11,491
Daniel's.

379
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,692
Enough about the pizza.

380
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,027
Acting like a little kid.

381
00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:16,763
Sorry, chief.

382
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,198
Not a little kid.

383
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,767
No. Eva was last
seen at work on Sunday night.

384
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:21,668
We got a garbage man

385
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:25,171
that places are on Drayton
and Bull at around 7 p.m..

386
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:27,173
It's three blocks, so
I don't even want pizza anymore.

387
00:18:27,173 --> 00:18:27,874
Are you going to come?

388
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,076
No, I'm just saying I'm
not going to eat any pizza,

389
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:32,479
even though it's my birthday.
No it's not.

390
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:33,813
You just had your 50th.

391
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:35,849
Dave and Busters to chill.

392
00:18:35,849 --> 00:18:37,450
Not everyone was invited.

393
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,452
It's fine.
You didn't invite me, Daniels.

394
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,287
You know
I don't even deserve pizza.

395
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,155
Maybe I'll get a soda.

396
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,890
Maybe I'll have a soda.

397
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,692
And that's all I'll have
from the pizza party.

398
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,060
It's not a pizza party.

399
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:49,462
Okay. I'm sorry I'm lost here.
Can we just start over?

400
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,165
Let's just focus up
and try to find this dog.

401
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,567
It's a missing girl.
Whatever. What?

402
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:55,802
Oh my gosh.

403
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,071
We don't know. That's
what this is.

404
00:18:58,071 --> 00:19:00,373
Why are we sitting around here
and having a sleepover?

405
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,275
This isn't a sleepover, man.

406
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,543
This is work.

407
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,645
I ordered pizzas to be nice.

408
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:10,083
Three
cheese, three Hawaiian. Whoa!

409
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:12,218
You've got a half Hawaiian.

410
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:13,553
Just make that call.

411
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,288
Raise your hand
if you love Hawaiian.

412
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:16,923
Who orders Hawaiian.

413
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,793
For one, it
that's not just for you.

414
00:19:19,793 --> 00:19:21,661
It's for everybody.

415
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,329
Look at what you're doing.
Sullivan.

416
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,865
He's growling like a dog.
Like we say, Quantico.

417
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:31,805
It ain't a sleepover
without meat lovers, y'all. You.

418
00:19:31,805 --> 00:19:32,906
Okay.

419
00:19:32,906 --> 00:19:33,506
Yeah, yeah.

420
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,844
I realized immediately
I shouldn't have done that.

421
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:41,114
It's victim's mother.

422
00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:42,782
That was great.

423
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,152
Ma'am, I am so deeply
sorry about everything.

424
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:47,354
I don't know what to do.

425
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,189
My whole world is upside down.

426
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,691
I know exactly what you're going
through.

427
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,361
When I was young,
I had a dog run away, too.

428
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:54,961
Dog

429
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,565
Can we please just focus on
finding the missing girl?

430
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,467
We're never
going to find her if we.

431
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,972
Oh, my God.

432
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:06,740
Got your pizza?

433
00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:09,342
Yeah.

434
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:12,178
Six Hawaiian. Oh!

435
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,887
It's time for America's

436
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,922
favorite game show

437
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,294
Hello and.

438
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:29,262
Good evening.

439
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,865
I'm your host, Marky Mark
Brandon Marcus.

440
00:20:31,865 --> 00:20:35,669
And welcome back to guess
the correct answer.

441
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,138
Not a huge
fan of the title myself,

442
00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:42,709
but the focus group called it
fine for now.

443
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:45,679
Let's meet our two teams

444
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:47,213
for our first fair today.

445
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,249
Joining us in Boston,
we've got Ana Tillman

446
00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,351
and from Queens we've got
Peter McGrath.

447
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,752
Who likes to be here.

448
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,821
Let's get this party started.

449
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,624
From Maplewood, new Jersey,
it's Damien Driver

450
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,926
and from Burlington it's
Paul Mccroskey.

451
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,127
How are you guys feeling?

452
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,730
I am To be here. Actually.

453
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,765
Pretty nervous.
I'm not going to lie.

454
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:06,833
Oh, why is that, Paul?

455
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:08,735
Oh, geez, I don't know.

456
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:09,202
I just

457
00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:11,204
I have a great life,
and I'm afraid I could do

458
00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:12,072
something embarrassing here

459
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:15,875
that could go viral
and sort of ruin it all.

460
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:19,245
Oh, well, don't think like that.

461
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:20,146
You're going to do great.

462
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:22,082
I hope so. I really hope so.

463
00:21:22,082 --> 00:21:25,085
I got a great family,
beautiful wife from a dentist,

464
00:21:25,085 --> 00:21:26,219
well-liked in my community.

465
00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:27,454
I don't even really need
the money.

466
00:21:27,454 --> 00:21:31,891
It's just not much to gain
and a whole lot to lose.

467
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:33,526
Damn.

468
00:21:33,526 --> 00:21:35,428
Yeah, well, hope it goes well.

469
00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:37,630
Let's play.

470
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:38,665
We'll start with you two.

471
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:40,266
The rules of the game
are simple, Damien.

472
00:21:40,266 --> 00:21:41,634
Your job is to get Paul to guess

473
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,536
what's on the card
in front of you.

474
00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:47,440
Your category is things
you might find in a workplace.

475
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,742
Oh, nice. Nice, nice.

476
00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:49,776
Because right up my alley.

477
00:21:49,776 --> 00:21:51,845
I work in a workplace.

478
00:21:51,845 --> 00:21:52,445
Very good.

479
00:21:52,846 --> 00:21:54,647
Yeah, I think I was wrong,
totally wrong before.

480
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,383
I think it's going to be fun.

481
00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:56,950
Excellent.

482
00:21:57,017 --> 00:21:59,919
Your time starts now. Okay.

483
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,588
Something that's racist.

484
00:22:04,491 --> 00:22:07,694
Me? Well, me.

485
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:10,130
Me, myself, my family,
my whole family.

486
00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:13,767
No, but my friends, my best
friends, my my groomsmen,

487
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:17,137
my jokes, my my funny accents
and my points. No.

488
00:22:17,137 --> 00:22:20,807
And you're doing exactly
what you were worried about.

489
00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:22,575
Come on, man, it's
something small.

490
00:22:22,575 --> 00:22:26,112
My penis is. Small, but racist.

491
00:22:26,112 --> 00:22:27,213
I know my penis.

492
00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:28,214
No, man.

493
00:22:28,214 --> 00:22:31,584
Okay. Pass. Pass. Oh. Okay.

494
00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:33,420
What you drink
first thing in the morning?

495
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:34,954
Vodka.

496
00:22:34,954 --> 00:22:36,656
What you drink before work?

497
00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:38,358
Vodka.

498
00:22:38,358 --> 00:22:41,628
Don't talk to me before
I've had my vasectomy.

499
00:22:41,628 --> 00:22:42,696
What?

500
00:22:42,696 --> 00:22:44,564
No pass.

501
00:22:44,564 --> 00:22:45,999
Okay.

502
00:22:45,999 --> 00:22:48,368
What you think about
when you're, like, zoning out.

503
00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,937
My daughter's friends.

504
00:22:50,937 --> 00:22:52,639
My daughter's hot of friends.

505
00:22:52,639 --> 00:22:54,841
Oh my God.

506
00:22:54,841 --> 00:22:56,743
But what would you call
the thoughts

507
00:22:56,743 --> 00:22:58,345
you have about your daughter's
friends?

508
00:22:58,345 --> 00:23:00,480
Unstoppable.
Unstoppable. Unceasing.

509
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,115
Unceasing. No, no.

510
00:23:02,115 --> 00:23:03,683
But what are they?

511
00:23:03,683 --> 00:23:06,786
Oh, Hyper sexual daydreaming.

512
00:23:06,786 --> 00:23:07,354
Yeah.

513
00:23:07,354 --> 00:23:08,722
Oh, yeah, I got it.

514
00:23:08,722 --> 00:23:10,523
I got it in your faces

515
00:23:10,523 --> 00:23:13,526
trying to make a viral fail clip
out of that one, sucker.

516
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:16,296
Oh! Oh! Ooh!

517
00:23:16,296 --> 00:23:18,498
Did I do that?

518
00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:20,500
Hey, look,
at least I. Got a point, right?

519
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:27,607
That is a fabulous, Wow.

520
00:23:27,607 --> 00:23:30,076
What a disaster.

521
00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:32,078
Oh. So sorry.
I don't know what came over me.

522
00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:34,180
Should we just swing it over
to the other team?

523
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:37,851
They left a while ago.

524
00:23:37,851 --> 00:23:40,186
Why do I still get
to be a dentist?

525
00:23:40,186 --> 00:23:42,155
Probably not.

526
00:23:42,155 --> 00:23:45,158
Join us next time on.

527
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:50,330
That|s not what
you called it before.

528
00:24:12,052 --> 00:24:13,253
Hun

529
00:24:13,253 --> 00:24:17,257
Donald you getting ready.

530
00:24:17,257 --> 00:24:20,627
Hello to Donald.

531
00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:22,729
It's your wife, Melania.

532
00:24:22,729 --> 00:24:25,365
Are you okay?

533
00:24:25,365 --> 00:24:26,066
Oh, yeah.

534
00:24:26,066 --> 00:24:28,068
Yeah. Sorry.

535
00:24:28,068 --> 00:24:31,071
I'll, be ready in a second.

536
00:24:34,841 --> 00:24:38,211
And I told you, if you want.

537
00:24:38,211 --> 00:24:43,783
To be a man.
You gotta start having shakes.

538
00:24:43,783 --> 00:24:45,852
I mean, protein shakes.

539
00:24:45,852 --> 00:24:49,556
Here's what you make your,
It's about time.

540
00:24:49,556 --> 00:24:53,693
Okay.

541
00:24:53,693 --> 00:24:56,930
Buddy, did you just play
your gold Rolex?

542
00:24:56,930 --> 00:24:58,598
You said it was about time.

543
00:24:58,598 --> 00:25:02,402
Right, bt dubs
Where|s Ivanka

544
00:25:02,402 --> 00:25:03,737
She's been M.I.A.

545
00:25:03,737 --> 00:25:06,673
For dad's entire. Presidency.

546
00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:09,776
You must ask yourself,

547
00:25:09,776 --> 00:25:12,812
am I willing to give up greed

548
00:25:12,812 --> 00:25:16,383
and material possessions

549
00:25:16,383 --> 00:25:18,151
to lead an honest

550
00:25:18,151 --> 00:25:22,355
and ethical life?

551
00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:25,325
I mean, we are so lucky

552
00:25:25,325 --> 00:25:31,064
that America will always be
a rich and powerful nation.

553
00:25:31,064 --> 00:25:33,667
I mean,
can you imagine how awful

554
00:25:33,667 --> 00:25:37,337
it would be
if America lost all its money?

555
00:25:37,337 --> 00:25:44,077
And no one in the world
respected us any more, and.

556
00:25:44,077 --> 00:25:48,848
You would never let our economy
go to pieces,

557
00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:53,286
right, honey? You.

558
00:25:53,286 --> 00:25:57,457
I love my butter noodles.

559
00:25:57,457 --> 00:25:58,725
By the way, mom.

560
00:25:58,725 --> 00:26:00,193
What a sudden accent.

561
00:26:00,193 --> 00:26:02,228
Aren't you from Slovenia?

562
00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:04,698
North Carolina? Go, Tar. Heel.

563
00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:07,534
Oh, and you're commerce
secretary Howard London

564
00:26:07,534 --> 00:26:10,603
is sitting over
there, says he wants to watch

565
00:26:10,603 --> 00:26:14,741
America be bent over
and railed by other countries.

566
00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:16,309
You know, some people.

567
00:26:16,309 --> 00:26:18,945
Are just way there.

568
00:26:18,945 --> 00:26:23,750
Like that man who arrived
on the boat with us, RFK Jr.

569
00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:26,886
Like, I have always crazy ideas,

570
00:26:26,886 --> 00:26:29,756
but I have this

571
00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:35,895
syringe full of active measles
virus stabs somebody with

572
00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:38,298
these insane ideas like,
what have we took

573
00:26:38,298 --> 00:26:40,266
all the fluoride
out of the drinking water

574
00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:42,469
with the woman that drew
the people's teeth?

575
00:26:42,469 --> 00:26:43,803
You're right.

576
00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:46,106
That's bad.

577
00:26:46,106 --> 00:26:48,308
Oh, the monkey

578
00:26:48,308 --> 00:26:50,677
I'm gonna go kill. Him, you.

579
00:26:50,677 --> 00:26:51,478
Know?

580
00:26:51,478 --> 00:26:56,149
No, not the monkey

581
00:26:56,149 --> 00:26:57,150
These all white Trump.

582
00:26:57,150 --> 00:26:58,084
Dudes are trying to ruin.

583
00:26:58,084 --> 00:27:02,122
My life.

584
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:03,156
Oh, my God,

585
00:27:03,156 --> 00:27:05,892
there's
$5 million in my bank account.

586
00:27:05,892 --> 00:27:09,129
It was 20 million last week.

587
00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:10,430
Kristy Noem, I am.

588
00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:11,331
So glad you're

589
00:27:11,564 --> 00:27:14,334
sending all those Venezuelans
back to where they belong.

590
00:27:14,334 --> 00:27:16,036
El Salvador.

591
00:27:16,036 --> 00:27:18,238
But I couldn't do it
without you. Pam Bondi.

592
00:27:18,238 --> 00:27:22,075
You're the attorney general,
and I've been told that General,

593
00:27:22,075 --> 00:27:25,578
everything I'm doing is illegal.

594
00:27:25,578 --> 00:27:26,613
Totally.

595
00:27:26,613 --> 00:27:28,214
Hey, people like me, right?

596
00:27:28,214 --> 00:27:30,784
Yeah. You're great. Marco. Yeah.

597
00:27:30,784 --> 00:27:36,656
I'm. Hey, we're gonna, go take a
walk over there for a second,

598
00:27:36,656 --> 00:27:39,659
okay?

599
00:27:48,101 --> 00:27:49,769
Can I cheer you up.

600
00:27:49,769 --> 00:27:51,137
Vladimir Putin

601
00:27:51,137 --> 00:27:54,140
you look sad

602
00:28:15,328 --> 00:28:18,732
Going to do it.

603
00:28:18,732 --> 00:28:20,166
I'm gonna do it.

604
00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:23,370
I'm gonna put
a 500% tariff on China.

605
00:28:26,072 --> 00:28:27,874
Okay.

606
00:28:27,874 --> 00:28:31,044
What's the matter, Vladimir?

607
00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:33,646
I think we're all having weird
dreams.

608
00:28:33,646 --> 00:28:37,217
What did I do last night?

609
00:28:37,217 --> 00:28:40,220
Yeah, baby. Oh.

610
00:28:42,689 --> 00:28:43,390
Surprise!

611
00:28:43,390 --> 00:28:47,360
It's me, Tiger Woods.

612
00:28:51,398 --> 00:28:53,733
and the Masters. Only on CBS.

613
00:29:09,716 --> 00:29:11,518
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIZZO.

614
00:29:11,518 --> 00:29:15,822
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

615
00:29:15,889 --> 00:29:16,656
* EVERYTHING LOOKS

616
00:29:16,656 --> 00:29:17,624
SO MUCH DIFFERENT

617
00:29:17,624 --> 00:29:18,658
AND THAT'S EXACTLY

618
00:29:18,658 --> 00:29:19,426
WHAT I NEED *

619
00:29:19,426 --> 00:29:23,897
* REAL LOVE AND REAL LIFE *

620
00:29:23,897 --> 00:29:27,634
**

621
00:29:27,634 --> 00:29:30,036
* WIPE MY EYES

622
00:29:30,036 --> 00:29:32,105
COMB MY HAIR *

623
00:29:32,105 --> 00:29:33,707
* THERE'S A LOT OF

624
00:29:33,707 --> 00:29:35,041
PAIN OUT THERE *

625
00:29:35,041 --> 00:29:36,409
* I FEEL SAFER

626
00:29:36,409 --> 00:29:38,445
IN MY BATHROOM *

627
00:29:38,445 --> 00:29:40,647
* CLOSE THE DOOR

628
00:29:40,647 --> 00:29:42,415
HIT IGNORE *

629
00:29:42,415 --> 00:29:43,917
* ALL SHE REALLY

630
00:29:43,917 --> 00:29:45,185
WANTS TO KNOW

631
00:29:45,185 --> 00:29:46,920
IS IF I'M REALLY 'BOUT

632
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,188
TO GO DOWNTOWN *

633
00:29:48,188 --> 00:29:49,389
* TONIGHT

634
00:29:49,389 --> 00:29:50,690
OOH

635
00:29:50,690 --> 00:29:52,692
I MIGHT MAKE AN APPEARANCE

636
00:29:52,692 --> 00:29:55,395
SINCE I LOOK THIS FINE *

637
00:29:55,395 --> 00:29:57,430
* AND PLUS IT'S BEEN A WHILE

638
00:29:57,430 --> 00:29:59,699
TONIGHT

639
00:29:59,699 --> 00:30:01,167
OOH *

640
00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:02,402
* TEQUILA DO YOUR JOB

641
00:30:02,402 --> 00:30:03,903
GIRL, HELP ME

642
00:30:03,903 --> 00:30:06,172
CHANGE MY MIND *

643
00:30:06,172 --> 00:30:07,407
* HOW MANY SHOTS THIS TIME

644
00:30:07,407 --> 00:30:09,442
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR *

645
00:30:09,442 --> 00:30:10,643
* HEY, HO, HEY, HO

646
00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:11,911
GIVE ME SOMETHING

647
00:30:11,911 --> 00:30:14,147
WITH A LITTLE TEMPO *

648
00:30:14,147 --> 00:30:15,448
* HEY, HO, HEY, HO

649
00:30:15,448 --> 00:30:16,916
GIVE ME SOMETHING I CAN

650
00:30:16,916 --> 00:30:19,152
THROW IT BACK FOR *

651
00:30:19,152 --> 00:30:24,157
* BY THE END OF THE WORLD

652
00:30:24,157 --> 00:30:24,691
FEELS LIKE THE

653
00:30:24,691 --> 00:30:26,826
END OF THE WORLD *

654
00:30:26,826 --> 00:30:28,061
* IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD *

655
00:30:28,061 --> 00:30:31,531
**

656
00:30:31,531 --> 00:30:38,304
**

657
00:30:38,304 --> 00:30:40,306
**

658
00:30:40,306 --> 00:30:41,041
* I'M 'BOUT TO THROW

659
00:30:41,041 --> 00:30:44,778
MY PHONE AWAY *

660
00:30:44,778 --> 00:30:46,046
* CAN'T LET MY GIRLS KNOW

661
00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:47,047
GROOVIN' MESSIN'

662
00:30:47,047 --> 00:30:48,314
WITH MY DAY *

663
00:30:48,314 --> 00:30:50,283
* HE ACT LIKE HE CAN'T

664
00:30:50,283 --> 00:30:52,552
BE REPLACED, OKAY *

665
00:30:52,552 --> 00:30:54,054
* WELL, HE GON' HATE

666
00:30:54,054 --> 00:30:55,555
TO SEE ME LEAVE BUT

667
00:30:55,555 --> 00:30:57,557
LOVE TO WATCH ME WALK AWAY *

668
00:30:57,557 --> 00:30:59,793
* HE KNOCKED ME DOWN

669
00:30:59,793 --> 00:31:01,294
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER

670
00:31:01,294 --> 00:31:03,063
GET MY FINE ASS

671
00:31:03,063 --> 00:31:06,533
OFF THE GROUND, OH-OH *

672
00:31:06,533 --> 00:31:08,068
* BUT I'M READY NOW

673
00:31:08,068 --> 00:31:09,536
FEELIN' CRAZY LATELY

674
00:31:09,536 --> 00:31:13,273
BABY, LET'S GO OUT *

675
00:31:13,273 --> 00:31:15,075
* I DON'T NEED HIM

676
00:31:15,075 --> 00:31:16,776
I NEED A DRINK *

677
00:31:16,776 --> 00:31:20,280
* LET'S TURN THIS PAIN INTO

678
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:24,084
SOME CHAMPAGNE, BABY *

679
00:31:24,084 --> 00:31:25,285
* LIKE CHEERS, BITCH

680
00:31:25,285 --> 00:31:26,553
IT'S BEEN A DAY *

681
00:31:26,553 --> 00:31:28,555
* MIGHT TAKE THAT LAST

682
00:31:28,555 --> 00:31:31,091
FLIGHT OUT TO VEGAS *

683
00:31:31,091 --> 00:31:33,293
* WHAT Y'ALL THINK

684
00:31:33,293 --> 00:31:35,528
OKAY *

685
00:31:35,528 --> 00:31:38,298
* I DON'T NEED HIM

686
00:31:38,298 --> 00:31:40,533
I NEED A DRINK *

687
00:31:40,533 --> 00:31:41,534
* I DON'T KNOW WHY LIFE IS

688
00:31:41,534 --> 00:31:42,535
SO MESSED UP LATELY *

689
00:31:42,535 --> 00:31:43,536
* BUT AFTER EVERYTHING

690
00:31:43,536 --> 00:31:44,537
I'M STILL SURVIVING

691
00:31:44,537 --> 00:31:48,808
AND I'M STILL BAD, BABY

692
00:31:48,808 --> 00:31:55,115
SO, BITCH I CAN'T COMPLAIN *

693
00:31:55,115 --> 00:31:56,549
* PLOT TWIST

694
00:31:56,549 --> 00:31:57,117
I'M DOING GREAT *

695
00:31:57,183 --> 00:31:57,784
* I MAKE THAT BEEN THROUGH

696
00:31:57,784 --> 00:31:58,551
IT LOOK SEXY

697
00:31:58,551 --> 00:32:01,321
DON'T I, Y'ALL *

698
00:32:01,321 --> 00:32:03,790
* I DON'T NEED HIM

699
00:32:03,790 --> 00:32:06,559
I NEED TO THROW ASS

700
00:32:06,559 --> 00:32:07,527
BEEN A MINUTE *

701
00:32:07,527 --> 00:32:08,328
* BREAK FAST WITH MY BITCHES

702
00:32:08,328 --> 00:32:09,562
REAL LOVE, REAL LIFE

703
00:32:09,562 --> 00:32:11,264
DAMN I'VE BEEN MISSING *

704
00:32:11,264 --> 00:32:13,066
* HE KNOCKED ME DOWN

705
00:32:13,066 --> 00:32:15,068
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER

706
00:32:15,068 --> 00:32:18,071
GET MY FINE ASS

707
00:32:18,071 --> 00:32:19,806
OFF THE GROUND, OH-OH *

708
00:32:19,806 --> 00:32:21,541
* BUT I'M READY NOW

709
00:32:21,541 --> 00:32:22,842
FEELING CRAZY LATELY

710
00:32:22,842 --> 00:32:23,810
BABY, LET'S GO OUT *

711
00:32:23,810 --> 00:32:24,778
* I DON'T NEED HIM

712
00:32:24,778 --> 00:32:26,513
I NEED A DRINK *

713
00:32:26,513 --> 00:32:28,548
* LET'S TURN THIS PAIN INTO

714
00:32:28,548 --> 00:32:32,085
SOME CHAMPAGNE, BABY *

715
00:32:32,085 --> 00:32:33,086
* LIKE CHEERS, BITCH

716
00:32:33,086 --> 00:32:36,089
IT'S BEEN A DAY *

717
00:32:36,089 --> 00:32:40,093
* MIGHT TAKE THAT LAST

718
00:32:40,093 --> 00:32:43,296
FLIGHT OUT TO VEGAS *

719
00:32:43,296 --> 00:32:46,566
* WHAT Y'ALL THINK

720
00:32:46,566 --> 00:32:50,537
OKAY *

721
00:32:50,537 --> 00:32:54,107
* I DON'T NEED HIM

722
00:32:54,107 --> 00:32:56,543
I NEED A DRINK *

723
00:32:56,543 --> 00:32:58,111
* I DON'T KNOW WHY LIFE

724
00:32:58,111 --> 00:33:00,280
BEEN SO MESSED UP LATELY *

725
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:01,047
* BUT AFTER EVERYTHING

726
00:33:01,047 --> 00:33:01,781
WE STILL SURVIVING AND

727
00:33:01,781 --> 00:33:02,782
WE STILL BAD, BABY

728
00:33:02,782 --> 00:33:03,550
SO, BITCH I CAN'T COMPLAIN *

729
00:33:03,550 --> 00:33:04,784
* I'M STILL BAD, BABY

730
00:33:04,784 --> 00:33:07,287
WHO'S BAD *

731
00:33:07,287 --> 00:33:10,323
* DON'T STOP, GET IT, GET IT

732
00:33:10,323 --> 00:33:11,057
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

733
00:33:11,057 --> 00:33:14,060
SHE BACK IN THE BUILDING *

734
00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:14,761
* PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER WE

735
00:33:14,761 --> 00:33:15,295
STILL BAD Y'ALL *

736
00:33:15,428 --> 00:33:16,162
* STILL BAD, DON'T FORGET IT

737
00:33:16,162 --> 00:33:18,765
I'M STILL BAD, BABE *

738
00:33:18,765 --> 00:33:19,499
* COME ON *

739
00:33:19,499 --> 00:33:22,669
* SHE BACK IN THE BUILDING *

740
00:33:22,669 --> 00:33:24,437
* IT'S BEEN A YEAR I NEED A

741
00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:27,273
DRINK *

742
00:33:27,273 --> 00:33:28,308
* LET'S TURN THIS PAIN INTO

743
00:33:28,308 --> 00:33:29,809
SOME CHAMPAGNE, BABY *

744
00:33:29,809 --> 00:33:31,311
* LIKE CHEERS, BITCH

745
00:33:31,311 --> 00:33:32,545
IT'S BEEN A DAY

746
00:33:32,545 --> 00:33:33,780
OH, IT'S BEEN A DAY *

747
00:33:33,780 --> 00:33:35,281
* MIGHT TAKE THAT LAST

748
00:33:35,281 --> 00:33:37,283
FLIGHT OUT TO VEGAS *

749
00:33:37,283 --> 00:33:38,084
* WHAT Y'ALL THINK

750
00:33:38,084 --> 00:33:39,085
OKAY *

751
00:33:39,085 --> 00:33:40,086
* I DON'T NEED HIM

752
00:33:40,086 --> 00:33:41,755
I NEED A DRINK *

753
00:33:41,755 --> 00:33:43,523
* I DON'T KNOW WHY LIFE IS

754
00:33:43,523 --> 00:33:46,526
SO MESSED UP LATELY *

755
00:33:46,526 --> 00:33:50,497
* BUT AFTER EVERYTHING

756
00:33:50,497 --> 00:33:51,765
I'M STILL SURVIVING

757
00:33:51,765 --> 00:33:54,534
AND I'M STILL BAD, BABY

758
00:33:54,534 --> 00:33:56,970
SO, BITCH I CAN'T COMPLAIN *

759
00:33:56,970 --> 00:34:12,952
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

760
00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:20,527
It's Weekend Update

761
00:34:20,527 --> 00:34:23,530
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

762
00:34:28,802 --> 00:34:29,469
Thank you.

763
00:34:29,703 --> 00:34:30,804
Thank you very much.
Good evening everyone.

764
00:34:30,804 --> 00:34:31,538
Welcome to. Weekend Update.

765
00:34:31,538 --> 00:34:35,542
I'm Michael Che
I|m Colin Jost

766
00:34:35,542 --> 00:34:36,309
Well, this week

767
00:34:36,810 --> 00:34:40,080
President Trump tried to rescue
the economy from the disastrous

768
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:44,084
policies of whoever
was president last week.

769
00:34:44,084 --> 00:34:46,986
On Wednesday, Trump announced
he was pausing most tariffs

770
00:34:46,986 --> 00:34:48,088
for 90 days.

771
00:34:48,088 --> 00:34:50,824
Now, 90 days
may not seem like a long time,

772
00:34:50,824 --> 00:34:55,095
but remember, Trump has
only been president for 82 days

773
00:34:55,095 --> 00:34:59,132
and it already
feels like a goddamn decade.

774
00:34:59,132 --> 00:35:02,035
Just hours
before Trump paused the tariffs,

775
00:35:02,035 --> 00:35:06,139
he tried to calm investors
by posting be cool.

776
00:35:06,139 --> 00:35:09,409
Everything is going to work out
well.

777
00:35:09,409 --> 00:35:12,212
Be cool.
This is a global economy.

778
00:35:12,212 --> 00:35:13,780
It's not like we got too high

779
00:35:13,780 --> 00:35:18,752
and we're trying to get through
dinner with our parents.

780
00:35:18,752 --> 00:35:21,621
The CEOs of many tech companies
who supported President

781
00:35:21,621 --> 00:35:22,589
Trump's campaign

782
00:35:22,689 --> 00:35:25,625
have said they were surprised
by all of his tariffs.

783
00:35:25,625 --> 00:35:28,328
Well, yeah, I mean,
he hardly ever mentioned them.

784
00:35:28,328 --> 00:35:31,197
We're going to have so much
money coming in from tariffs.

785
00:35:31,197 --> 00:35:34,334
Tariffs on pharmaceuticals,
tariffs on steel, car tariffs.

786
00:35:34,334 --> 00:35:36,269
Hundreds of billions of dollars
in tariffs.

787
00:35:36,269 --> 00:35:38,138
Substantial tariffs 10%.

788
00:35:38,138 --> 00:35:41,408
Tariffs 25%. Tariffs
50%. Tariffs.

789
00:35:41,408 --> 00:35:43,743
Big tariffs
tariffs tariffs. Tariffs.

790
00:35:43,743 --> 00:35:44,177
Tariffs.

791
00:35:44,177 --> 00:35:44,778
Tariffs.

792
00:35:44,778 --> 00:35:48,214
Tariffs I love tariffs.

793
00:35:48,214 --> 00:35:49,449
It's like listening to Bubba

794
00:35:49,449 --> 00:35:53,286
Gump talk about shrimp.

795
00:35:53,286 --> 00:35:54,921
Trump responded to the fallout

796
00:35:54,921 --> 00:35:55,722
from his tariffs

797
00:35:56,122 --> 00:35:58,792
saying sometimes you have to
take medicine to fix something.

798
00:35:58,792 --> 00:35:59,092
Yeah.

799
00:35:59,893 --> 00:36:01,294
But this feels like we took
a whole bottle of medicine

800
00:36:01,294 --> 00:36:05,131
with a glass of vodka
and laid in a warm bath.

801
00:36:05,131 --> 00:36:06,700
It was reported that Elon Musk

802
00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:10,036
personally appealed to President
Trump to stop his tariff plan,

803
00:36:10,036 --> 00:36:14,441
and it worked. The stock
market went up like this.

804
00:36:18,211 --> 00:36:21,047
China's retaliatory
tariffs will hurt U.S.

805
00:36:21,047 --> 00:36:23,183
farmers
who sell products to China

806
00:36:23,183 --> 00:36:26,286
that they can sell elsewhere,
including chicken seed,

807
00:36:26,286 --> 00:36:27,554
which means those chickens will

808
00:36:27,554 --> 00:36:32,559
now have to sell their feet
on OnlyFans.

809
00:36:32,559 --> 00:36:33,460
A new report shows

810
00:36:33,460 --> 00:36:36,596
that if iPhones
were manufactured in the US,

811
00:36:36,596 --> 00:36:40,066
they could cost up to $3,500,
which is a lot.

812
00:36:40,066 --> 00:36:43,470
But remember your kids
would get an employee discount.

813
00:36:48,174 --> 00:36:48,708
The U.S.

814
00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:51,111
Education Department
has launched a website

815
00:36:51,111 --> 00:36:52,679
in which students can report

816
00:36:52,679 --> 00:36:56,082
public school teachers
who violate Anti-DEI rules. So

817
00:36:56,082 --> 00:36:59,085
remember, teachers, you got to
sleep with the white ones too

818
00:37:05,458 --> 00:37:07,927
Health Secretary
Robert F Kennedy Jr,

819
00:37:07,927 --> 00:37:10,363
whose beauty routine involves
rolling around

820
00:37:10,363 --> 00:37:14,467
under those 7-Eleven
hot dog lamps.

821
00:37:14,467 --> 00:37:17,437
Said he plans to tell the CDC
to stop recommending

822
00:37:17,437 --> 00:37:19,239
that fluoride be put in drinking

823
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:23,143
water and start
recommending veneers for kids.

824
00:37:26,846 --> 00:37:29,315
It was reported that
several white House officials

825
00:37:29,315 --> 00:37:32,052
are refusing to answer messages
from journalists

826
00:37:32,052 --> 00:37:35,822
if their email signatures
include identifying pronouns,

827
00:37:35,822 --> 00:37:39,259
which is extremely frustrating
for New York Times reporter.

828
00:37:39,259 --> 00:37:43,630
Her they them.

829
00:37:43,630 --> 00:37:46,966
This week, President Trump
pauses tariffs on most countries

830
00:37:46,966 --> 00:37:48,668
except China is raising them

831
00:37:48,668 --> 00:37:51,971
to 145%
as the trade war escalates.

832
00:37:51,971 --> 00:37:57,610
Here to comment is Chinese
Trade Minister Chen Bo.

833
00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:58,244
Great day.

834
00:37:58,311 --> 00:38:01,014
Reporter. Good to be here today.

835
00:38:01,014 --> 00:38:01,748
Welcome back.

836
00:38:02,082 --> 00:38:05,018
And so are you ready to come
to the negotiating table

837
00:38:05,018 --> 00:38:06,586
for a trade deal?

838
00:38:06,586 --> 00:38:07,754
Not yet.

839
00:38:07,754 --> 00:38:10,824
And has just been really
enjoying my downtime.

840
00:38:10,824 --> 00:38:14,027
You know, every day I wake up,
I go on a walk,

841
00:38:14,027 --> 00:38:18,064
I journal, I claim Taiwan.

842
00:38:18,064 --> 00:38:24,938
Then at night, I unwind by
being a heckler at Shen Yun.

843
00:38:24,938 --> 00:38:25,538
So how

844
00:38:25,772 --> 00:38:28,608
does China
feel about Trump's tariffs?

845
00:38:28,608 --> 00:38:29,242
I don't know.

846
00:38:29,309 --> 00:38:33,813
It's like 145% cool number, bro.

847
00:38:33,813 --> 00:38:37,283
I've got numbers two 1293

848
00:38:37,317 --> 00:38:40,320
1877 cars for kids.

849
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:43,923
But you guys did raise
your tariffs 135% in response.

850
00:38:43,923 --> 00:38:44,290
Right.

851
00:38:45,158 --> 00:38:47,761
And both of our countries are
going to face a lot of hardship.

852
00:38:48,194 --> 00:38:51,831
But wait, I'm just wondering
which side is more willing

853
00:38:51,865 --> 00:38:55,602
to endure hardship
for the glory of their nation,

854
00:38:56,169 --> 00:38:58,571
the one that's been around
for thousands of years,

855
00:38:58,571 --> 00:39:01,574
or the one that's sending Katy
Perry to Spain?

856
00:39:03,343 --> 00:39:05,078
Well, Trump
is meeting with South Korea

857
00:39:05,078 --> 00:39:06,646
and Japan
to negotiate this week.

858
00:39:06,646 --> 00:39:09,149
Don't you feel left out?

859
00:39:09,149 --> 00:39:10,817
There's a hot girl feel left

860
00:39:10,817 --> 00:39:13,820
out of, like, brace his camp.

861
00:39:14,020 --> 00:39:16,423
Besides,
what is there to negotiate?

862
00:39:16,423 --> 00:39:17,590
Today, Trump announced

863
00:39:17,590 --> 00:39:21,227
he was already walking back on
smartphones and computers.

864
00:39:21,227 --> 00:39:23,697
You can't live
without our technology.

865
00:39:23,697 --> 00:39:26,700
But I think we'll survive
without your.

866
00:39:27,033 --> 00:39:29,202
Newman's own salad dressing.

867
00:39:30,603 --> 00:39:32,138
Oh, well, not just that.

868
00:39:32,138 --> 00:39:33,606
This week
you did threaten to ban

869
00:39:33,606 --> 00:39:35,342
American movies from China,
right?

870
00:39:35,342 --> 00:39:38,411
Oh, no, we won't get
your Hollywood movies.

871
00:39:38,445 --> 00:39:42,148
The only thing that distracts us
from working even harder.

872
00:39:43,149 --> 00:39:43,950
Okay, fine.

873
00:39:43,950 --> 00:39:46,619
Maybe you do have leverage
on us.

874
00:39:46,619 --> 00:39:48,555
Yeah, well,
now that everyone in America

875
00:39:48,555 --> 00:39:52,425
is losing all their money
and rights, it's kind of like

876
00:39:52,425 --> 00:39:55,428
we're both communist twins.

877
00:39:56,229 --> 00:39:58,665
So the next time you buy
a pair of Toms, they'll donate

878
00:39:58,665 --> 00:40:00,667
another pair to you
because you're the one in need.

879
00:40:00,667 --> 00:40:03,403
You poor bitch.

880
00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:03,703
Gotcha.

881
00:40:04,237 --> 00:40:05,171
Well,
are you surprised that Trump has

882
00:40:05,171 --> 00:40:06,306
already backed off now?

883
00:40:06,306 --> 00:40:09,042
Very surprised
because he was so consistent

884
00:40:09,042 --> 00:40:10,377
about tick tock, right.

885
00:40:10,377 --> 00:40:13,079
Like, oh, it's
a threat to National security.

886
00:40:13,079 --> 00:40:15,248
But wait, I can't lose Gen Z.

887
00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:17,784
I don't want to piss off Declan.

888
00:40:19,819 --> 00:40:20,387
Declan.

889
00:40:20,954 --> 00:40:23,723
Probably some 12 year old loser
who bullies women online

890
00:40:23,723 --> 00:40:27,694
in a Peter Griffin
Fortnite skin ass.

891
00:40:27,727 --> 00:40:28,928
And let's not be me.

892
00:40:28,928 --> 00:40:33,366
I mean, JD Vance called everyone
in China peasants.

893
00:40:33,366 --> 00:40:36,670
And by the way, you can now
order my memoir, Peasant Elegy,

894
00:40:37,804 --> 00:40:39,906
wherever books are sold.

895
00:40:39,906 --> 00:40:41,708
Glenn Close I want a Chinese

896
00:40:41,708 --> 00:40:45,245
Oscar for the movie version
because we appreciate her there.

897
00:40:45,712 --> 00:40:50,016
Chen battle everybody be careful
what you mean.

898
00:40:50,450 --> 00:40:53,420
Oh, I'm.

899
00:40:56,356 --> 00:40:58,792
Tesla is reportedly
having trouble

900
00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:02,862
selling Cybertruck's, partly due
to its slogan Cybertruck.

901
00:41:02,962 --> 00:41:05,965
What if Kanye was a car?

902
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:10,303
The assistant general manager
of the Detroit Tigers

903
00:41:10,303 --> 00:41:11,905
has resigned after he allegedly

904
00:41:11,905 --> 00:41:14,107
sent lewd photos
to his colleagues,

905
00:41:14,107 --> 00:41:17,110
all with the caption
now this is a torpedo back.

906
00:41:21,247 --> 00:41:22,415
LeBron James has become

907
00:41:22,415 --> 00:41:25,685
the first professional male
athlete to get his own Kindle.

908
00:41:25,852 --> 00:41:28,421
And just like the original
King, he has a beard.

909
00:41:33,626 --> 00:41:34,761
I'm going to cut that for air.

910
00:41:34,761 --> 00:41:37,097
Yeah.

911
00:41:37,097 --> 00:41:40,600
I was a writer for the 1990s
show Mighty Morphin

912
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,837
Power Rangers is now saying
that it was a mistake to cast

913
00:41:43,837 --> 00:41:46,172
a black actor
as the Black Ranger

914
00:41:46,172 --> 00:41:49,175
and an Asian actor
as the Yellow Ranger,

915
00:41:49,209 --> 00:41:51,644
and he really regrets
having a Mexican actor

916
00:41:51,644 --> 00:41:54,647
play the lazy Ranger.

917
00:41:57,450 --> 00:41:59,919
Of company in China,

918
00:41:59,919 --> 00:42:00,720
a company in.

919
00:42:00,720 --> 00:42:01,888
China has released

920
00:42:01,888 --> 00:42:04,591
a new artificial intelligence
sex doll.

921
00:42:04,591 --> 00:42:06,760
And if you want the sex
to be really good,

922
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:09,763
set the intelligence to low.

923
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,336
Oh, duty unit crackdowns.

924
00:42:16,336 --> 00:42:18,772
On college campuses
in a looming recession.

925
00:42:18,772 --> 00:42:21,241
A new study shows
that only 18% of young

926
00:42:21,241 --> 00:42:23,309
people feel proud
to be an American.

927
00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:26,312
Here with his
thoughts, is a meal with Queen.

928
00:42:30,717 --> 00:42:32,185
Hi, Cohen, and.

929
00:42:32,185 --> 00:42:35,088
Hello, my fellow Americans.
Wow, a meal.

930
00:42:35,088 --> 00:42:36,322
Are you feeling patriotic?

931
00:42:36,322 --> 00:42:37,390
Honestly, no.

932
00:42:37,390 --> 00:42:38,792
This is just to buy me
some goodwill

933
00:42:38,792 --> 00:42:40,460
before the
stuff I'm about to say. Look,

934
00:42:41,528 --> 00:42:44,097
it's a tough time to criticize
America publicly,

935
00:42:44,097 --> 00:42:46,433
especially with eyebrows
like this.

936
00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:49,436
But I want everyone to know
it's out of love.

937
00:42:49,436 --> 00:42:51,504
But I do have some notes.

938
00:42:51,504 --> 00:42:53,173
I'm conflicted on America
right now, you know?

939
00:42:53,173 --> 00:42:54,407
But I am grateful to live here.

940
00:42:54,407 --> 00:42:57,377
But look, my dad's an immigrant,
and then my mom is, as Colin

941
00:42:57,377 --> 00:43:00,380
says, normal. But.

942
00:43:02,215 --> 00:43:05,285
But I'm an American, you know,
like, in my bones I am,

943
00:43:05,285 --> 00:43:08,355
and I just I know we're bad
because my life is so good.

944
00:43:08,355 --> 00:43:11,791
There's just no way it's cruelty
free, you know?

945
00:43:12,192 --> 00:43:13,126
And I love my life.

946
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:15,829
I do, I just I don't want
to know how it's made, you know,

947
00:43:15,829 --> 00:43:16,663
like I'm happy

948
00:43:16,963 --> 00:43:20,667
until I have to see, like,
what's holding it all up. Like

949
00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:24,404
I'm happy till I have to see
the UberEats delivery driver.

950
00:43:25,538 --> 00:43:28,775
You know, it's just
like an immigrant soaking wet,

951
00:43:28,775 --> 00:43:32,078
and you're just like,
oh, no, I'm a bad person.

952
00:43:32,846 --> 00:43:35,081
But no, I'm not going
to meet you in the lobby.

953
00:43:35,081 --> 00:43:35,382
What?

954
00:43:36,082 --> 00:43:38,118
I mean, come on, it's a three
hour delivery fee.

955
00:43:38,118 --> 00:43:40,253
You got to come up
to my apartment.

956
00:43:40,253 --> 00:43:41,421
Yeah, I'll leave the bike.

957
00:43:41,521 --> 00:43:43,523
No one's taking the bike up the
stairs. Come on, it's cold out.

958
00:43:43,523 --> 00:43:43,990
Don't want me up.

959
00:43:44,391 --> 00:43:46,826
Let's go. Up, up up
up, up. Need right.

960
00:43:46,826 --> 00:43:47,394
And then you just.

961
00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:48,528
You open the door for him.

962
00:43:48,528 --> 00:43:51,531
An amount
that is just racist, frankly.

963
00:43:51,531 --> 00:43:53,433
I mean, there's no way to put it

964
00:43:53,433 --> 00:43:56,436
just enough for,
like, the bag to fit through,

965
00:43:56,503 --> 00:43:57,704
because you're
in your underwear.

966
00:43:57,704 --> 00:43:58,972
Because you had, like,
a hard day

967
00:43:58,972 --> 00:44:03,143
sending emails for Hitler
or whatever anyone's job is.

968
00:44:03,943 --> 00:44:05,045
And he's so nice.

969
00:44:05,078 --> 00:44:07,047
He's just like, have a go on
and you're like, have a go.

970
00:44:07,047 --> 00:44:09,382
Like,
you do his accent back to him

971
00:44:09,382 --> 00:44:11,751
and you're like,
oh no, I'm sorry.

972
00:44:11,751 --> 00:44:12,819
And then he's gone

973
00:44:12,819 --> 00:44:15,889
and you're just standing there
with like a $40 burrito.

974
00:44:16,389 --> 00:44:18,792
And somehow we've
all convince ourselves

975
00:44:18,792 --> 00:44:21,795
that none of us would have owned
slaves, like, just

976
00:44:22,495 --> 00:44:24,497
for like, no,
I wouldn't know because I tip

977
00:44:24,497 --> 00:44:26,199
in coffee shops sometimes.

978
00:44:27,567 --> 00:44:30,070
Hey, hey,

979
00:44:30,070 --> 00:44:33,073
I just
want to say I wouldn't have

980
00:44:33,940 --> 00:44:36,943
that thank.

981
00:44:37,210 --> 00:44:37,844
Totally.

982
00:44:37,844 --> 00:44:39,145
Yeah, totally.

983
00:44:39,145 --> 00:44:41,314
Look, it's hard to not feel
guilty living in America,

984
00:44:41,314 --> 00:44:43,083
you know, because, like, I'm
part of the problem.

985
00:44:43,083 --> 00:44:46,086
Like, I know capitalism is bad,
but, like, I'm in it, you know?

986
00:44:46,086 --> 00:44:47,087
We all are.

987
00:44:47,153 --> 00:44:48,788
And I'm sure there's people
in this room that are like,

988
00:44:48,788 --> 00:44:50,890
capitalism is evil,

989
00:44:50,890 --> 00:44:52,158
but it's like,
yeah, you're not above it

990
00:44:52,158 --> 00:44:54,594
because you live in Brooklyn
like you.

991
00:44:54,594 --> 00:44:57,731
You still live in New York City,
New York City of capitalism

992
00:44:57,731 --> 00:44:59,799
was a physical location.

993
00:44:59,799 --> 00:45:02,035
There was an M&M store
next to a church.

994
00:45:02,035 --> 00:45:05,038
This is hell. Like,
and it's hard.

995
00:45:05,038 --> 00:45:06,139
You gotta find middle ground,
you know,

996
00:45:06,139 --> 00:45:08,408
because you lose people
when you go too far to one side.

997
00:45:08,408 --> 00:45:09,843
Like,
obviously billionaires are bad.

998
00:45:09,843 --> 00:45:10,944
That's an easy take.

999
00:45:10,944 --> 00:45:12,479
But I was talking to a friend
that was just like,

1000
00:45:12,479 --> 00:45:15,148
I think we should abolish
millionaires.

1001
00:45:15,148 --> 00:45:18,785
And I was like, hey man, don't
you believe in yourself?

1002
00:45:18,918 --> 00:45:19,252
Like,

1003
00:45:20,487 --> 00:45:22,188
I have a dream.

1004
00:45:22,188 --> 00:45:25,091
A guy makes $1 million
and you're like, he's cheating.

1005
00:45:25,091 --> 00:45:26,192
No. You're depressed.

1006
00:45:26,192 --> 00:45:29,195
Have a goal.

1007
00:45:29,829 --> 00:45:32,532
Thank you for stopping by.

1008
00:45:32,532 --> 00:45:35,368
And really, I'm excited
to read all the YouTube

1009
00:45:35,368 --> 00:45:36,336
comments on this one.

1010
00:45:36,336 --> 00:45:39,339
Amir Rahim, everyone

1011
00:45:39,439 --> 00:45:42,442
stop.

1012
00:45:44,811 --> 00:45:45,979
A giant pouched

1013
00:45:45,979 --> 00:45:49,683
rat train to sniff out landmines
has set a new world record

1014
00:45:49,816 --> 00:45:53,253
for most landmines
detected by a rat. One.

1015
00:45:56,356 --> 00:45:59,292
The most you can do.

1016
00:45:59,292 --> 00:46:02,796
A new fashion
trend for women are nap dresses,

1017
00:46:03,096 --> 00:46:06,099
part of a larger trend called
clinical depression?

1018
00:46:08,168 --> 00:46:10,270
New York City
police are searching for a man

1019
00:46:10,270 --> 00:46:11,271
accused of robbing

1020
00:46:11,271 --> 00:46:14,441
and sexually assaulting
a dead body on the subway.

1021
00:46:15,108 --> 00:46:18,111
Concrete jungle.

1022
00:46:22,048 --> 00:46:23,049
There's nothing he can't do.

1023
00:46:23,049 --> 00:46:24,818
College. No. Beautiful voice.

1024
00:46:24,818 --> 00:46:26,486
Thank you.
This will put me in the cars

1025
00:46:28,355 --> 00:46:29,656
again.

1026
00:46:29,656 --> 00:46:32,559
A group is asking new Jersey
transit to make commutes

1027
00:46:32,559 --> 00:46:36,229
more joyful by putting googly
eyes on the front of trains.

1028
00:46:36,830 --> 00:46:39,499
So at least you'll see
a friendly face coming to help

1029
00:46:39,499 --> 00:46:42,502
when you're pushed
on the tracks.

1030
00:46:43,603 --> 00:46:45,171
A tortoise at the Philadelphia

1031
00:46:45,171 --> 00:46:47,707
Zoo has become a mother
for the first time.

1032
00:46:47,707 --> 00:46:49,409
At the age of 100,

1033
00:46:49,409 --> 00:46:52,178
the tortoise got pregnant
after her boyfriend pulled out

1034
00:46:52,178 --> 00:46:55,148
to slow.

1035
00:46:56,716 --> 00:46:59,486
The tortoise.

1036
00:46:59,486 --> 00:47:01,354
Well, next Tuesday is tax day.

1037
00:47:01,354 --> 00:47:03,723
Many people are nervous
about the state of the economy.

1038
00:47:03,723 --> 00:47:06,726
Here to comment
is my accountant, Don Altman.

1039
00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:11,831
Hello, caller.

1040
00:47:11,831 --> 00:47:12,699
Hi, Don.

1041
00:47:12,866 --> 00:47:15,535
So the economy is pretty crazy.
Are you stressed?

1042
00:47:15,535 --> 00:47:16,636
Me? Stressed.

1043
00:47:16,636 --> 00:47:19,839
Now, look, Colin,
sometimes prices go up.

1044
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:21,875
That's just how it is, okay?

1045
00:47:21,875 --> 00:47:24,310
Everybody's complaining
about eggs being expensive.

1046
00:47:24,310 --> 00:47:26,780
It's like, so what? Adapt.

1047
00:47:26,780 --> 00:47:30,283
I've been eating my own eggs
for months now.

1048
00:47:30,316 --> 00:47:33,420
Have, you know,
they make a very runny omelet.

1049
00:47:33,553 --> 00:47:34,888
Oh, my. Yeah.

1050
00:47:35,855 --> 00:47:38,792
That's the first thing you said.

1051
00:47:38,792 --> 00:47:40,126
All right. How am I done?

1052
00:47:40,126 --> 00:47:42,062
How are my taxes looking? Okay.

1053
00:47:42,062 --> 00:47:43,430
They're not they're good.

1054
00:47:43,430 --> 00:47:44,230
And they actually have

1055
00:47:44,330 --> 00:47:46,166
all of your financial records
right here.

1056
00:47:46,166 --> 00:47:47,734
So let's go through your budget

1057
00:47:47,734 --> 00:47:50,770
like you go through an after
party, line by line.

1058
00:47:50,770 --> 00:47:53,773
Okay? Okay.

1059
00:47:54,174 --> 00:47:55,875
Okay.

1060
00:47:55,875 --> 00:47:57,844
Okay.

1061
00:47:57,844 --> 00:47:59,512
First up we got the ferry boat.

1062
00:47:59,512 --> 00:48:01,281
That is a big expense.

1063
00:48:01,281 --> 00:48:04,017
That's a big expense.
And oh, this isn't good.

1064
00:48:04,017 --> 00:48:07,220
You're letting people use
your private jet for free, and,

1065
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:10,523
Oh, it's for Ice deportation.

1066
00:48:12,659 --> 00:48:16,396
You're spending a huge amount
of money on your taxes. Tax?

1067
00:48:16,429 --> 00:48:17,497
Isn't that your job?

1068
00:48:17,497 --> 00:48:17,831
Sorry.

1069
00:48:18,465 --> 00:48:21,034
That's my own personal
abbreviation, not taxes.

1070
00:48:21,034 --> 00:48:21,468
Kate.

1071
00:48:21,468 --> 00:48:24,471
What is.

1072
00:48:24,604 --> 00:48:28,508
You. Are you abbreviating waxes
as taxes?

1073
00:48:29,743 --> 00:48:31,244
Of course I do.

1074
00:48:31,244 --> 00:48:32,312
Oh, so, Colin,

1075
00:48:32,312 --> 00:48:35,315
you got to cut back on
all these expensive meals.

1076
00:48:35,815 --> 00:48:38,485
I I'm sorry. I love to eat out.

1077
00:48:38,485 --> 00:48:41,221
That's not what they say
on the internet. Group chat.

1078
00:48:45,158 --> 00:48:46,159
The the

1079
00:48:46,159 --> 00:48:49,129
interns have a group chat. Oh.

1080
00:48:50,163 --> 00:48:50,697
So, wait,

1081
00:48:51,297 --> 00:48:53,066
you're saying I should cut back
on going to restaurants?

1082
00:48:53,066 --> 00:48:54,434
Well,
you got to cut back on food

1083
00:48:54,434 --> 00:48:57,237
entirely on your website
because it looks

1084
00:48:57,237 --> 00:49:00,240
like you've been accepting
all cookies.

1085
00:49:01,908 --> 00:49:02,676
Is that.

1086
00:49:02,676 --> 00:49:03,677
Is that a fat.

1087
00:49:03,677 --> 00:49:06,279
Oh, was it a skinny Joe?

1088
00:49:06,279 --> 00:49:07,080
Gone.

1089
00:49:07,080 --> 00:49:08,214
I'm sorry.

1090
00:49:08,214 --> 00:49:10,884
I'm right, I am fries.

1091
00:49:10,884 --> 00:49:13,887
Economy is exploding. Colin.

1092
00:49:14,020 --> 00:49:14,421
You know what?

1093
00:49:14,487 --> 00:49:15,321
Just give me a moment.

1094
00:49:15,321 --> 00:49:16,823
I'm going to practice
this really cool

1095
00:49:16,823 --> 00:49:19,926
ancient breathing technique
I learned from a shaman

1096
00:49:19,926 --> 00:49:22,929
in Thailand. Oh.

1097
00:49:25,398 --> 00:49:26,666
Oh, better.

1098
00:49:26,666 --> 00:49:28,268
And then it's crazy down there.

1099
00:49:28,268 --> 00:49:31,237
Colin, I didn't know
your chair was also a toilet.

1100
00:49:33,039 --> 00:49:36,042
Well, any chair can be.

1101
00:49:39,913 --> 00:49:41,081
But seriously,

1102
00:49:41,081 --> 00:49:44,050
Don, how much do I owe in Texas?

1103
00:49:44,517 --> 00:49:47,220
Colin, I know you're nervous
because your last financial

1104
00:49:47,220 --> 00:49:50,523
advisor
killed himself in his jail cell.

1105
00:49:51,758 --> 00:49:53,526
But don't worry, I'm cool.

1106
00:49:53,526 --> 00:49:55,328
Okay?
My shaman taught me another.

1107
00:49:55,328 --> 00:49:58,732
Ancient technique
that helps me every single day.

1108
00:49:58,765 --> 00:49:59,766
Oh, what is that?

1109
00:49:59,766 --> 00:50:02,769
One moment please.

1110
00:50:05,271 --> 00:50:07,540
My dog Colin.

1111
00:50:07,540 --> 00:50:09,609
There are, like, so many women.

1112
00:50:09,609 --> 00:50:11,845
Tied up back here.

1113
00:50:11,845 --> 00:50:12,645
No, there.

1114
00:50:12,645 --> 00:50:14,647
Don't admit everyone.

1115
00:50:14,647 --> 00:50:17,117
There's no woman back there.

1116
00:50:17,117 --> 00:50:18,351
For Weekend Update

1117
00:50:18,351 --> 00:50:22,188
I|m Colin Jost
I|m Michael Che
Goodnight!

1118
00:50:34,200 --> 00:50:36,336
Wow. This is really nice.

1119
00:50:36,336 --> 00:50:39,839
Yeah. Do you hear that? Quiet.

1120
00:50:39,839 --> 00:50:42,642
Is it bad to say that I'm kind
of happy that the schools

1121
00:50:42,642 --> 00:50:44,611
and the kids on a camping trip
this week.

1122
00:50:44,611 --> 00:50:46,946
I know, I mean, I love them,
but I can't remember

1123
00:50:46,946 --> 00:50:50,150
the last time we saw friends
two days in a row.

1124
00:50:50,150 --> 00:50:51,851
Are Randy and Trevor
still coming?

1125
00:50:51,851 --> 00:50:53,386
They said they went out
last night.

1126
00:50:53,386 --> 00:50:55,455
Sorry Sorry Sorry

1127
00:50:55,455 --> 00:50:56,690
Right now
we're here and we're late.

1128
00:50:56,690 --> 00:50:57,757
And I'm so sorry.

1129
00:50:57,757 --> 00:50:58,925
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

1130
00:50:58,925 --> 00:51:02,495
We made it. Oh,

1131
00:51:02,495 --> 00:51:03,730
Hey, guys.

1132
00:51:03,730 --> 00:51:05,365
Hi. Sorry.

1133
00:51:05,365 --> 00:51:05,799
I'm sorry.

1134
00:51:06,066 --> 00:51:08,835
You know, we're on her schedule.

1135
00:51:08,835 --> 00:51:09,969
Oh, my. Gosh.

1136
00:51:09,969 --> 00:51:12,572
Whose baby is that?

1137
00:51:12,572 --> 00:51:13,473
Excuse me.

1138
00:51:13,473 --> 00:51:16,509
It's ours. Wait, but, How.

1139
00:51:16,509 --> 00:51:19,079
Okay. I'm sorry,
but gay. Gay people can't.

1140
00:51:19,079 --> 00:51:20,980
Have a baby.

1141
00:51:20,980 --> 00:51:23,283
Yeah, but, like,
where did it come from?

1142
00:51:23,283 --> 00:51:26,419
Excuse me. Excuse me. Wow.

1143
00:51:26,419 --> 00:51:28,555
You are not allowed to talk
like that.

1144
00:51:28,555 --> 00:51:30,757
That is so invasive.

1145
00:51:30,757 --> 00:51:31,658
Okay, but like,

1146
00:51:31,891 --> 00:51:36,129
we were with you last night
and you did not have a baby

1147
00:51:36,129 --> 00:51:37,831
yet. And
you guys said that after dinner,

1148
00:51:37,831 --> 00:51:40,867
you were going to go
to a rave called Bulge Dungeon.

1149
00:51:40,867 --> 00:51:43,536
And now today, you have a baby.

1150
00:51:43,536 --> 00:51:46,740
What we're asking is,
how did this happen?

1151
00:51:46,740 --> 00:51:47,440
Okay. I'm sorry.

1152
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:49,809
Why is it
when it's us, an interrogation?

1153
00:51:49,809 --> 00:51:52,712
I don't ask you why you're poor.

1154
00:51:52,712 --> 00:51:55,849
I got you $10,000.

1155
00:51:55,849 --> 00:51:59,352
I think we're just wondering
who the mother is.

1156
00:51:59,352 --> 00:52:02,689
Hey. Well, between the
two of us, I'm more emotional.

1157
00:52:02,689 --> 00:52:05,458
And I like shopping, so me, I.

1158
00:52:05,458 --> 00:52:07,293
Yeah, but,
I mean, I have long hair,

1159
00:52:07,293 --> 00:52:09,896
and he is an alcoholic,
so I guess it's like two moms.

1160
00:52:09,896 --> 00:52:11,398
I guess.

1161
00:52:11,398 --> 00:52:13,600
Guys, how did you get this baby?

1162
00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:14,501
Okay, we didn't

1163
00:52:14,768 --> 00:52:17,671
pull it out of your vagina,
if that's what you're asking.

1164
00:52:17,671 --> 00:52:20,106
People think they. Can ask gay
people anything.

1165
00:52:20,106 --> 00:52:21,374
It's not. Okay.

1166
00:52:21,374 --> 00:52:27,347
Yeah, we don't ask you guys
whose butt you use for anal.

1167
00:52:27,347 --> 00:52:29,749
Okay.

1168
00:52:29,749 --> 00:52:33,253
I mean,
I guess what's confusing us

1169
00:52:33,253 --> 00:52:35,889
is you never mentioned
that you were having a baby,

1170
00:52:35,889 --> 00:52:38,892
so this feels pretty sudden.

1171
00:52:38,892 --> 00:52:40,760
Yeah, because it wasn't planned.

1172
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:42,595
Sometimes it's an accident.

1173
00:52:42,595 --> 00:52:44,931
How does a gay
couple have a baby?

1174
00:52:44,931 --> 00:52:46,566
By accident.

1175
00:52:46,566 --> 00:52:47,334
What do you want us to say?

1176
00:52:47,334 --> 00:52:49,636
That we stole her.

1177
00:52:49,636 --> 00:52:51,771
Did you?

1178
00:52:51,771 --> 00:52:56,176
Well, we like to think of it
as she stole us.

1179
00:52:56,176 --> 00:52:58,445
So does that mean. Yes.

1180
00:52:58,445 --> 00:52:59,612
Why are you confused?

1181
00:52:59,612 --> 00:53:01,448
English was my eighth language.

1182
00:53:01,448 --> 00:53:04,184
And even I know what
that expression means.

1183
00:53:04,184 --> 00:53:06,052
What other languages
do you speak?

1184
00:53:06,052 --> 00:53:07,821
You can't ask me that.

1185
00:53:07,821 --> 00:53:12,258
Wow, the transphobia is real.

1186
00:53:12,258 --> 00:53:12,792
What?

1187
00:53:12,792 --> 00:53:14,060
I'm so sorry.

1188
00:53:14,060 --> 00:53:16,329
Is one of you a trans man?

1189
00:53:16,329 --> 00:53:21,167
No no no no no,
you cannot just ask that girl.

1190
00:53:21,167 --> 00:53:22,102
But no.

1191
00:53:22,102 --> 00:53:23,636
God, they should come up
with the word

1192
00:53:23,636 --> 00:53:29,209
for when people
have a phobia towards homos.

1193
00:53:29,209 --> 00:53:32,078
You mean homophobia.

1194
00:53:32,078 --> 00:53:32,645
I literally

1195
00:53:33,179 --> 00:53:35,749
speak eight languages,
and I've never heard that word.

1196
00:53:35,749 --> 00:53:38,551
Okay,
you need to tell us which eight.

1197
00:53:38,551 --> 00:53:39,953
English. French.

1198
00:53:39,953 --> 00:53:43,323
AP French Navi, Simlish, black

1199
00:53:43,323 --> 00:53:46,559
ish, grown ish and singing.

1200
00:53:46,559 --> 00:53:50,463
Where is your baby from? Us.

1201
00:53:50,463 --> 00:53:53,266
But how did you get it?

1202
00:53:53,266 --> 00:53:54,801
You mean she? They.

1203
00:53:54,801 --> 00:53:57,604
Until he tells us otherwise.

1204
00:53:57,604 --> 00:54:00,040
What are you talking about?

1205
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:04,344
Oh, the way people talk to gay
people is crazy.

1206
00:54:04,344 --> 00:54:05,545
By the way,

1207
00:54:05,545 --> 00:54:09,249
no one has acknowledged
that it's National AAPI month.

1208
00:54:09,249 --> 00:54:11,518
I thought. May is AAPI.

1209
00:54:11,518 --> 00:54:14,287
Month. No, this is not the AAPI
that you're thinking of.

1210
00:54:14,287 --> 00:54:15,121
It stands for.

1211
00:54:15,121 --> 00:54:15,722
Everybody.

1212
00:54:15,722 --> 00:54:16,222
Everybody.

1213
00:54:16,222 --> 00:54:19,592
Please, I need ya

1214
00:54:19,592 --> 00:54:20,593
Okay, okay.

1215
00:54:20,593 --> 00:54:21,561
You know what? Fine.

1216
00:54:21,728 --> 00:54:23,663
If you're going to be like this,
I don't want it anymore.

1217
00:54:23,663 --> 00:54:26,466
I think she's waking up. Oh,

1218
00:54:26,466 --> 00:54:27,067
everybody.

1219
00:54:27,133 --> 00:54:29,169
Everybody, please, I need you.

1220
00:54:29,169 --> 00:54:31,838
I'm a baby bitch.

1221
00:54:31,838 --> 00:54:33,073
What?

1222
00:54:33,073 --> 00:54:35,508
How old is this baby?

1223
00:54:35,508 --> 00:54:38,511
You cannot ask women that.

1224
00:54:47,787 --> 00:54:49,322
>>> ONCE AGAIN, LIZZO.

1225
00:54:49,322 --> 00:54:54,160
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1226
00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:56,396
**

1227
00:54:56,396 --> 00:55:01,401
**

1228
00:55:01,401 --> 00:55:04,404
* AH, HERE WE GO

1229
00:55:04,404 --> 00:55:05,905
PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS

1230
00:55:05,905 --> 00:55:08,141
PLAYING WITH MY SOUL

1231
00:55:08,141 --> 00:55:11,911
BUT I CAN'T LET YOU GO *

1232
00:55:11,911 --> 00:55:13,646
* I JUST WANT TO BE WANTED

1233
00:55:13,646 --> 00:55:16,383
AND FEEL BEAUTIFUL *

1234
00:55:16,383 --> 00:55:17,884
* YOU BETTER KNOW

1235
00:55:17,884 --> 00:55:19,886
WHAT YOU WANT

1236
00:55:19,886 --> 00:55:22,389
AND IF IT AIN'T ME *

1237
00:55:22,389 --> 00:55:26,659
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU

1238
00:55:26,659 --> 00:55:28,628
DON'T MAKE MY HEART

1239
00:55:28,628 --> 00:55:31,131
BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST *

1240
00:55:31,131 --> 00:55:35,168
* DON'T MAKE ME WANT YOU

1241
00:55:35,168 --> 00:55:36,903
IF YOU JUST WANT

1242
00:55:36,903 --> 00:55:39,639
SOMETHING ELSE *

1243
00:55:39,639 --> 00:55:43,143
* DON'T YOU -- WITH ME BABY

1244
00:55:43,143 --> 00:55:45,378
IF THIS AIN'T IT

1245
00:55:45,378 --> 00:55:48,381
JUST TELL ME TONIGHT *

1246
00:55:48,381 --> 00:55:52,152
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU

1247
00:55:52,152 --> 00:55:53,620
IF YOU'RE JUST GOING

1248
00:55:53,620 --> 00:55:55,889
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND

1249
00:55:55,889 --> 00:56:00,026
DON'T WASTE MY TIME *

1250
00:56:00,026 --> 00:56:02,529
**

1251
00:56:02,529 --> 00:56:06,032
* AYYYYY *

1252
00:56:06,032 --> 00:56:08,802
* I'M GOING ON A DRIVE

1253
00:56:08,802 --> 00:56:11,037
TO GIVE YOU A COUPLE

1254
00:56:11,037 --> 00:56:12,505
MINUTES TO MAKE UP

1255
00:56:12,505 --> 00:56:14,040
YOUR MIND *

1256
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:16,042
* WELL BABY I'LL BE FINE

1257
00:56:16,042 --> 00:56:18,511
YEAH

1258
00:56:18,511 --> 00:56:19,546
'CAUSE I'M A

1259
00:56:19,546 --> 00:56:20,513
BIG FINE WOMAN *

1260
00:56:20,513 --> 00:56:21,514
* DON'T LOSE YOUR

1261
00:56:21,514 --> 00:56:23,249
PLACE IN LINE *

1262
00:56:23,249 --> 00:56:25,051
* IF YOU DON'T KNOW

1263
00:56:25,051 --> 00:56:27,287
WHAT YOU WANT, OH-OH

1264
00:56:27,287 --> 00:56:31,057
LET ME BE FREE *

1265
00:56:31,057 --> 00:56:33,259
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU

1266
00:56:33,259 --> 00:56:35,795
DON'T MAKE MY HEART

1267
00:56:35,795 --> 00:56:38,264
BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST *

1268
00:56:38,264 --> 00:56:41,501
* DON'T MAKE ME WANT YOU

1269
00:56:41,501 --> 00:56:43,269
IF YOU JUST WANT

1270
00:56:43,269 --> 00:56:46,072
SOMETHING ELSE *

1271
00:56:46,072 --> 00:56:49,309
* DON'T YOU -- WITH ME BABY

1272
00:56:49,309 --> 00:56:51,511
IF THIS AIN'T IT

1273
00:56:51,511 --> 00:56:54,280
JUST TELL ME TONIGHT *

1274
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:58,084
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU

1275
00:56:58,084 --> 00:57:00,253
IF YOU'RE JUST GOING

1276
00:57:00,253 --> 00:57:01,521
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND

1277
00:57:01,521 --> 00:57:08,261
DON'T WASTE MY TIME *

1278
00:57:08,261 --> 00:57:10,263
* YOU STARTED SLEEPING ON ME

1279
00:57:10,263 --> 00:57:13,266
DON'T YOU SLEEP ON ME *

1280
00:57:13,266 --> 00:57:18,538
* I'M FIGHTING FOR US

1281
00:57:18,538 --> 00:57:20,040
BUT YOU JUST WANT TO FIGHT *

1282
00:57:20,040 --> 00:57:21,041
* DON'T DO ME WRONG PLEASE

1283
00:57:21,041 --> 00:57:22,042
DON'T PROVE ME RIGHT *

1284
00:57:22,042 --> 00:57:23,243
* IF YOU DON'T WANT ME

1285
00:57:23,243 --> 00:57:25,278
BY THE END OF THE NIGHT

1286
00:57:25,278 --> 00:57:29,783
I'M MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE *

1287
00:57:29,783 --> 00:57:34,254
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU

1288
00:57:34,254 --> 00:57:38,258
DON'T MAKE MY HEART

1289
00:57:38,258 --> 00:57:39,793
BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST *

1290
00:57:39,793 --> 00:57:40,760
* DON'T MAKE ME WANT YOU

1291
00:57:40,760 --> 00:57:42,262
IF YOU JUST WANT

1292
00:57:42,262 --> 00:57:44,264
SOMETHING ELSE *

1293
00:57:44,264 --> 00:57:45,765
* DON'T YOU PLAY

1294
00:57:45,765 --> 00:57:48,501
WITH ME BABY

1295
00:57:48,501 --> 00:57:50,470
IF THIS AIN'T IT

1296
00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:53,273
JUST TELL ME TONIGHT *

1297
00:57:53,273 --> 00:57:54,474
* DON'T MAKE ME

1298
00:57:54,474 --> 00:57:55,742
WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR

1299
00:57:55,742 --> 00:57:57,243
I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE *

1300
00:57:57,243 --> 00:57:58,745
* IF YOU'RE JUST GOING

1301
00:57:58,745 --> 00:58:02,248
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND

1302
00:58:02,248 --> 00:58:08,254
DON'T WASTE MY TIME

1303
00:58:08,254 --> 00:58:12,192
DON'T WASTE MY TIME *

1304
00:58:12,192 --> 00:58:29,309
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1305
00:58:41,287 --> 00:58:44,124
Rock climbing with a smile.

1306
00:58:44,124 --> 00:58:46,793
Kayaking
with your significant other.

1307
00:58:46,793 --> 00:58:50,530
Hiking
with your interracial friends.

1308
00:58:50,530 --> 00:58:52,599
If you find yourself doing
any of these activities

1309
00:58:52,599 --> 00:58:56,469
in slow motion,
you may have herpes.

1310
00:58:56,469 --> 00:58:58,471
As we've learned from Valtrex
commercials,

1311
00:58:58,471 --> 00:59:00,874
these recreational activities
are the number one

1312
00:59:00,874 --> 00:59:02,809
indicators of herpes infection.

1313
00:59:02,809 --> 00:59:05,645
Medical science doesn't
understand why the herpes virus

1314
00:59:05,645 --> 00:59:08,648
causes people to seek active fun
in slow motion.

1315
00:59:08,648 --> 00:59:10,350
But we know that it does.

1316
00:59:10,350 --> 00:59:12,185
And that means it's time
to get tested.

1317
00:59:12,185 --> 00:59:14,587
One night,
I found myself happily salsa

1318
00:59:14,587 --> 00:59:17,290
dancing in slow motion
with my white husband.

1319
00:59:17,290 --> 00:59:19,759
That's when I knew
I should contact my doctor.

1320
00:59:19,759 --> 00:59:22,595
Sure enough, it was herpes.

1321
00:59:22,595 --> 00:59:25,131
I was experiencing
painful genital sores,

1322
00:59:25,131 --> 00:59:26,733
but that could be anything.

1323
00:59:26,733 --> 00:59:28,101
Rock climbing in slo mo.

1324
00:59:28,101 --> 00:59:30,170
That can only means one thing.

1325
00:59:30,170 --> 00:59:32,739
Herpes. Herpes is easily spread.

1326
00:59:32,739 --> 00:59:35,809
Just look for signs like dancing
in an outdoor beer garden.

1327
00:59:35,809 --> 00:59:36,876
String lights.

1328
00:59:36,876 --> 00:59:39,512
Winning a carnival game
on the first try.

1329
00:59:39,512 --> 00:59:41,648
Cheering in the front row
of a folk rock concert.

1330
00:59:41,648 --> 00:59:43,383
In a very small space.

1331
00:59:43,383 --> 00:59:45,585
Or hanging out with exactly
one white person.

1332
00:59:45,585 --> 00:59:49,622
One black person, one Asian
person and one Latin person.

1333
00:59:49,622 --> 00:59:51,157
You're hanging out in slow
mo group.

1334
00:59:51,157 --> 00:59:52,125
It may be hard to know

1335
00:59:52,125 --> 00:59:54,194
which friend is the one
with the herpes.

1336
00:59:54,194 --> 00:59:58,765
It's simple. It's the one
who's having the most fun.

1337
00:59:58,765 --> 01:00:01,534
Not all slo mo
activities are signs of herpes.

1338
01:00:01,534 --> 01:00:03,169
If you're a woman wearing
a generic men's

1339
01:00:03,169 --> 01:00:05,005
football jersey and no pants,

1340
01:00:05,005 --> 01:00:07,273
your husband
has erectile dysfunction.

1341
01:00:07,273 --> 01:00:09,209
If your child was showing
your drawing,

1342
01:00:09,209 --> 01:00:10,610
you're clinically depressed.

1343
01:00:10,610 --> 01:00:12,779
And if you find yourself
in a big musical number

1344
01:00:12,779 --> 01:00:17,050
in the middle of an office,
you have diabetes or diarrhea.

1345
01:00:17,050 --> 01:00:18,985
So be smart and get tested.

1346
01:00:18,985 --> 01:00:21,788
Today.

1347
01:00:21,788 --> 01:00:25,425
Ow ow ow ow.

1348
01:00:25,425 --> 01:00:28,695
Know the signs and treat the
symptoms with once daily

1349
01:00:28,695 --> 01:00:30,730
Herpastopper

1350
01:00:30,730 --> 01:00:32,432
We tried to come up with
a better name, but nobody can.

1351
01:00:32,432 --> 01:00:33,800
Think of one.

1352
01:00:46,012 --> 01:00:50,984
Ok. Hey, everyone, welcome
to Wild Farm Foods, Inc..

1353
01:00:50,984 --> 01:00:54,554
Really excited to have
a new batch of employees.

1354
01:00:54,554 --> 01:00:56,256
Great to be here.

1355
01:00:56,256 --> 01:00:59,225
Now, have you guys ever done
an icebreaker before?

1356
01:00:59,225 --> 01:01:02,262
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
I love it. I love.

1357
01:01:02,262 --> 01:01:03,063
That's great.

1358
01:01:03,263 --> 01:01:05,065
Well, what I'd love to do
is go around the room

1359
01:01:05,065 --> 01:01:08,468
and you can each say your name
and a fun fact about yourself,

1360
01:01:08,468 --> 01:01:11,338
and then we'll try to remember
everyone's names and facts.

1361
01:01:11,338 --> 01:01:12,539
I can go first.

1362
01:01:12,539 --> 01:01:15,742
I'm Chris, and I love gardening.

1363
01:01:15,742 --> 01:01:20,380
I am Derek,
and I have a twin. Oh.

1364
01:01:20,380 --> 01:01:23,683
I am Cassidy,
and I was a competitive swimmer.

1365
01:01:23,683 --> 01:01:26,219
Nice.

1366
01:01:26,219 --> 01:01:28,088
I am, I am Phillip,

1367
01:01:28,088 --> 01:01:32,258
and I like to paint. Oh.

1368
01:01:32,258 --> 01:01:33,126
I am Greg.

1369
01:01:33,126 --> 01:01:39,566
And my mom
killed my dad naked on TV.

1370
01:01:39,566 --> 01:01:42,702
Okay, Susan.

1371
01:01:42,702 --> 01:01:46,339
Oh, I am Susan,

1372
01:01:46,339 --> 01:01:50,610
and I forgot mine.

1373
01:01:50,610 --> 01:01:51,211
That's all right.

1374
01:01:51,211 --> 01:01:53,213
Take your time. Okay.

1375
01:01:53,213 --> 01:01:58,618
I'm Susan, and I'm a woman.

1376
01:01:58,618 --> 01:01:59,519
Okay.

1377
01:01:59,519 --> 01:02:01,054
So can anyone remember anyone
else?

1378
01:02:01,054 --> 01:02:03,757
facts?

1379
01:02:03,757 --> 01:02:06,860
Chris loves gardening,
and Phillip likes to paint,

1380
01:02:06,860 --> 01:02:11,831
and Greg's mom killed
his dad naked on TV.

1381
01:02:11,831 --> 01:02:13,600
Good memory. Yeah.

1382
01:02:13,600 --> 01:02:14,934
That's nice.

1383
01:02:14,934 --> 01:02:17,070
Anybody else?

1384
01:02:17,070 --> 01:02:18,471
Chris loves gardening.

1385
01:02:18,471 --> 01:02:19,639
Derek has a twin.

1386
01:02:19,639 --> 01:02:23,243
I did swimming, and Greg's
dad killed his mom naked on TV.

1387
01:02:23,243 --> 01:02:24,411
Oh, close.

1388
01:02:24,411 --> 01:02:26,680
My mom killed
my dad naked on TV.

1389
01:02:26,680 --> 01:02:29,649
Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay.

1390
01:02:29,649 --> 01:02:31,284
I think I got him.

1391
01:02:31,284 --> 01:02:32,118
Chris loves gardening.

1392
01:02:32,218 --> 01:02:35,088
Derek has a twin,
and Cassidy was a swimmer.

1393
01:02:35,088 --> 01:02:37,190
Phillip likes to paint.

1394
01:02:37,190 --> 01:02:38,825
My mom killed
my dad naked on TV.

1395
01:02:38,825 --> 01:02:43,530
And, I know you're a woman,
but remind me of your name.

1396
01:02:43,530 --> 01:02:47,133
Janet. It's Susan. You're right.

1397
01:02:47,133 --> 01:02:49,169
Well, now, in the game, if

1398
01:02:49,169 --> 01:02:50,870
you remember someone's name,
you're actually allowed

1399
01:02:50,870 --> 01:02:53,340
to ask a follow up question
about their fact.

1400
01:02:53,340 --> 01:02:56,443
So, Derek,
what is your twin's name?

1401
01:02:56,443 --> 01:02:57,744
Jerrod

1402
01:02:57,744 --> 01:02:58,845
Cassidy.

1403
01:02:58,845 --> 01:03:01,381
What swimming stroke did you do?

1404
01:03:01,381 --> 01:03:02,682
Butterfly.

1405
01:03:02,682 --> 01:03:06,619
Greg, what show was it on?

1406
01:03:06,619 --> 01:03:09,055
Jackass.

1407
01:03:09,055 --> 01:03:11,124
Phillip,
what do you like to paint?

1408
01:03:11,124 --> 01:03:12,392
Vampires.

1409
01:03:12,392 --> 01:03:14,928
Susan, what's your favorite part
of being a woman?

1410
01:03:14,928 --> 01:03:17,330
My breasts.

1411
01:03:17,330 --> 01:03:19,733
Cassidy, what do you swim in?

1412
01:03:19,733 --> 01:03:21,968
Water.

1413
01:03:21,968 --> 01:03:22,435
Greg.

1414
01:03:22,435 --> 01:03:25,105
Was it funny or sad?

1415
01:03:25,105 --> 01:03:26,573
Both.

1416
01:03:26,573 --> 01:03:28,174
Chris, what do you garden?

1417
01:03:28,174 --> 01:03:29,342
Lettuces.

1418
01:03:29,342 --> 01:03:31,778
Derek, is your twin identical?

1419
01:03:31,778 --> 01:03:34,748
No. And, Greg,
what would I type into Google

1420
01:03:34,748 --> 01:03:38,551
if I wanted to watch
what you were talking about?

1421
01:03:38,551 --> 01:03:40,620
Woman. Jackass. Party. Donkey.

1422
01:03:40,620 --> 01:03:42,455
Porta-potty world
record.

1423
01:03:42,455 --> 01:03:43,523
Raven-Simone lesbian.

1424
01:03:43,523 --> 01:03:45,725
November 5th, 2002.

1425
01:03:45,725 --> 01:03:46,526
Okay.

1426
01:03:46,593 --> 01:03:49,329
It'll come up
if I search all of those.

1427
01:03:49,329 --> 01:03:51,965
Any two. You know what?

1428
01:03:51,965 --> 01:03:54,401
Maybe we just wipe the slate
clean, play something out.

1429
01:03:54,401 --> 01:03:56,469
Like, two truths and a lie.

1430
01:03:56,469 --> 01:03:58,872
You know, for example, I'm
a Capricorn.

1431
01:03:58,872 --> 01:04:02,509
I have a dog, and I love to cook
vegan food. Oh.

1432
01:04:02,509 --> 01:04:03,276
I'll go.

1433
01:04:03,276 --> 01:04:03,877
Oh, okay.

1434
01:04:04,177 --> 01:04:06,813
Susan, just give me, two
turns into, like.

1435
01:04:06,813 --> 01:04:09,049
Once I got on the bus and a man

1436
01:04:09,049 --> 01:04:12,052
asked me if I wanted $20,
I said yes.

1437
01:04:12,052 --> 01:04:14,521
When I looked down,
he was not holding $20.

1438
01:04:14,521 --> 01:04:17,090
He was holding.
Susan, let me finish.

1439
01:04:17,090 --> 01:04:20,960
Oh, sorry.
He was holding his penis.

1440
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:22,295
I am so sorry.

1441
01:04:22,295 --> 01:04:25,965
No, no, I liked it.

1442
01:04:25,965 --> 01:04:26,900
Are you done?

1443
01:04:26,900 --> 01:04:28,068
Well, that was just my lie.

1444
01:04:28,068 --> 01:04:30,970
That was plenty.

1445
01:04:30,970 --> 01:04:33,273
Well, you know,
I thought it'd be good

1446
01:04:33,273 --> 01:04:35,842
to get to know each other,
but he was actually legit

1447
01:04:35,842 --> 01:04:37,844
a huge mistake.

1448
01:04:37,844 --> 01:04:39,813
Oh, I remembered my fact.

1449
01:04:39,813 --> 01:04:42,782
It's my birthday. Great.

1450
01:04:42,782 --> 01:04:47,087
So I think there's only
one thing left for us to do.

1451
01:04:47,087 --> 01:04:50,090
Watch the video, you know.

1452
01:04:50,090 --> 01:04:51,091
I got it right here.

1453
01:04:51,091 --> 01:04:53,393
Although I.

1454
01:04:53,393 --> 01:04:54,694
Whoa!

1455
01:04:54,694 --> 01:04:56,096
Oh my God.

1456
01:04:56,096 --> 01:04:59,366
What? Oh.

1457
01:04:59,366 --> 01:05:01,401
Oh. Here.

1458
01:05:01,401 --> 01:05:02,569
Right.

1459
01:05:02,569 --> 01:05:05,805
Yes. Oh, no.

1460
01:05:05,805 --> 01:05:07,374
What? Oh!

1461
01:05:07,374 --> 01:05:09,676
Oh, no. Oh!

1462
01:05:27,293 --> 01:05:30,764
>>> MY THANKS TO LIZZO, KIERAN

1463
01:05:30,764 --> 01:05:33,433
CULKIN, THIS INCREDIBLE CAST,

1464
01:05:33,433 --> 01:05:36,636
YOU GUYS FOR BRAVING THE

1465
01:05:36,636 --> 01:05:38,271
ELEMENTS, SPRINGTIME, LORNE

1466
01:05:38,271 --> 01:05:39,873
MICHAELS, THE CREW, EVERYBODY.

1467
01:05:39,873 --> 01:05:41,675
THANK YOU, GUYS, FOR HAVING ME

1468
01:05:41,675 --> 01:05:42,609
BACK.

1469
01:05:42,609 --> 01:05:44,811
THIS WAS AMAZING.

1470
01:05:44,811 --> 01:05:47,280
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!

1471
01:05:47,280 --> 01:05:52,252
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1472
01:05:52,252 --> 01:06:01,027
**