What is this?
What transpires in this holy place?
Jesus. What angers you?
This should be a house of prayer.
These merchants and money changers
have turned it into a den of thieves.
Oh, Jesus. Man!
This will not stand.
I will read this place of all its money.
And remind you of anyone.
Wow. I also got rid of money last week.
But instead of one temple, I did the whole country.
Maybe even the globe. The money's gone.
Hi. It's me, your favorite president, Donald.
Jesus, Trump
comparing myself to the Son of God.
Once again.
You know, many people are even calling me the Messiah
because of the Messiah made out of the economy
Because of my beautiful tariffs.
So beautiful.
They were working so well that I had to stop them.
The Prime Minister of Canada, big guy, tears in his eyes.
He called me
and he said, sir, if you do this,
you will upend the global economy.
Take the stocks and bond markets and unite your allies
against you.
And I said, let me cook.
And then I burned dinner badly.
So we had to stop.
But now everything is back.
Exactly how it was.
Minus a few trillion dollars
and the historic transfer of wealth from the middle class
to my buddies. Oh, well.
It's true.
The stock market did it.
Jesus. It died.
Then on the third day, it was risen.
And then on the fourth day, it died again.
Possibly never to return.
Just like Jesus.
Where the heck is that guy? Come back!
Get me out of this!
Oh, and Jesus Christ is a name we've been saying a lot lately.
We're saying it a lot.
We look at our 401 K and say, Jesus Christ, where did it
all go?
I don't know, but we're going to fix that or not.
We'll see. Should be interesting.
Look at Jesus back there, flipping the table
like a Real Housewife.
Teresa.
Looking at me.
Oh, what game featuring Emil Wakim
He thinks he should be playing Jesus.
He was telling everybody backstage.
You know, the real Jesus would have looked like me. Real, real.
But we don't like to think about that.
So we have Mikey Day. There
with his big, beautiful blue eyes.
He's like, oh no way Mike.
Great Clips money.
I need my Great Clips money.
By now
it's almost time for Easter, a holiday that is so special.
And frankly, I'm coming to me.
And today is the first day of Passover for our Jewish friends.
We call it Passover because it's when we pass right over.
The little kosher section
of the grocery store goes straight to that Easter candy
fish in a jar.
No thanks. I want to peep.
We love Easter. We love bunny.
We love hunting for eggs, just like everyone's
doing in the grocery store right now, because they cost
$1,000,000,000,000 billion price of eggs.
I thought that was what the whole campaign was about,
but I just can't crack it.
Egg yolk. Here we go.
That's actually kind of creative,
but we love Easter.
It's the day where the most homophobic
people try to dress as gay as possible.
Darling, have you seen my bonnet?
Daddy looks lovely in his pink seersucker.
But we are looking forward to Easter Mass.
Definitely. Easter Mass is always packed, right?
You know, it's sad
some people only go to church on Christmas and Easter.
Not me.
I don't go on those days either.
But I like to pray. I pray a lot.
I pray so much.
They call me predator.
Look at all them back there.
Look at Sarah,
stuck with a mouth open.
Bad choice.
And Kenan|s back there.
I love Kenan
Ya I|m leaving
You get. What are you doing?
You can't go Kenan
Yeah, I can
okay, I guess it's Keenan.
So he can go
Ego thinking about it.
She wants to.
Oh, she's thinking about walking.
Do I have the juice to scoot
I don't know, she had a big hit last week.
Miss Eggy
This is not how to do things these minute.
What? Don't say it.
Don't say we'll get in trouble
anyway. What else I got?
What else I got?
I, had my annual physical this week.
They said I'm in great shape.
One of the best shapes I'm
so, in contortion, the U.S.
dollar has died and gone to money.
Heaven. Bye bye.
Some people say I don't know what I'm doing, but
I actually am playing four dimensional chess.
Okay? Bing
bing bing bing bing bing bing bing bada bing bing bing me.
But in the holiest of seasons Easter.
Let us remember the lesson that Mr. Jesus taught us
when he went back wild on those money changers.
We must never mix religion with commerce.
You can read all about that in my Trump Bible
now made in America.
So it costs $1,300 and it falls apart even faster.
All right.
Should I let him say it with me this time I think I will.
Happy Easter, happy Passover and live.
AND -- LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
A FILM BY "PLEASE DON'T
DESTROY."
MUSICAL GUEST LIZZO.
AND YOUR HOST -- JON HAMM!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Jon Hamm.
Oh, wow.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Springtime in New York City,
41 degrees and damp
Oh, man.
I am so honored to be back here hosting.
This is my fourth time. Oh,
but, it's been a minute.
The last time I host it was October 2010. But.
But even though it's been a while,
I've still been on the show a lot.
In fact,
I was I was checking my own Wikipedia, which I often do.
And, I found out that since then, I've made 14
cameos.
And, you know, in many.
Ways, making a cameo is even more special
than being the host.
Which is something Lorne told me many times.
Always right before he loses service going into the tunnel.
He's always in that tunnel.
But, yeah.
14 cameos. Let's take a look.
Okay.
Kind of.
Kind of. Maybe it's thought.
They would be played separately.
This for a weird, but,
really, any
any time they call me to come on the show, I do it,
because nothing beats that moment
when you walk out unexpectedly and the audience just goes wild.
Check it out.
Hey, honey. Oh.
Oh, my.
Oh. Amazing.
I mean, right.
I love watching myself.
And the best part is, I know that once
the audience dies down and the applause dies,
and the writers
have written me a joke that will electrify the crowd.
I don't just kiss and tell.
I kiss and tell, and I take notes.
Except for that time, it's over.
That and a bunch of other times, I know, but
but but look, I know a cameo may seem inconsequential,
but it really is an important part of the show.
Like.
Like when a sketch needs that little something
extra to take it from a medium sketch
to a marginally better than a medium sketch,
or when a monologue is feeling aimless and like
it needs a jolt of energy. You know it.
You you would think.
Are you even doing here?
Oh. My monologue.
I know, I'm just, just making a cameo.
Like I'm a huge, huge star, and I'm doing really well
all by myself.
All right, I'm sorry, man.
Hell, I'll make it up to you.
Okay, cool.
They just give you your Oscar?
Oh, no. Why would I do?
Don't you have enough, man?
I've seen those photos of you in your gray sweatpants.
Must be nice.
All right. Whatever, dude.
You know that madman in succession?
I'm sorry. What was that?
That Mad Men is better than succession. That's what.
No. It's not.
Look, I think we can both agree that you're wrong.
I love you bye
Well, I.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
whether I'm hosting or just popping by, it's
great to be on this show in any capacity.
I mean, it's an American institute version,
and there's literally nowhere
I'd rather be than right here, live on this stage.
Say, we've got a great show for you tonight.
Lizzo is here, so stick around.
We'll be right back.
You're watching CTCBC
the business news channel.
Welcome to check to check business news.
Financial news for regular folks live in.
Check to check.
You know. Paycheck to paycheck.
I'm Tasia Walton, and.
I'm Kenneth Albright.
And this suit is from Kohl's.
Well, markets are in turmoil right now.
Let's check on the S&P 500, which is down 2.38%.
The Nasdaq Composite is down 265 points.
And Dow industrials are down 2.88%.
Okay.
Does that mean anything to anyone?
I'm sure it means something to someone, but it sounds like
a bunch of gibberish to me.
Let's take a look at boxed mac and cheese, which is up 4.5%.
To $1.59. Whoa!
Even across the street.
Even across the street. Kenneth.
Also, Big ask box of Bisquick is up
from 239 to 2 that much?
And candy bars are up from.
Sure, baby. To put that back.
Overall, pretty bad news for the grocery sector.
Tell me about it.
My family's been eating so much.
Top ramen.
My kids think we Japanese.
Let me take a look at the health care sector,
where so far in 2025,
spending on doctor visits remains steady at zero.
But millions of Americans are investing in health care
alternatives such as just go lay down, take an Advil and pray
it goes away.
All great options.
Well,
the Trump tariffs have caused t-bill sell offs
which have rocked the bond markets.
Are you worried about that? I'm not. And I'll tell you why.
Because I don't know what that is.
Either way, these tariffs have real implications
for check to checkers
here with the International Commodities report.
As David Hayes.
Thank you sir.
Well these new tariffs are going to raise
prices on all imported goods.
But you can work around them if you're smart.
For example I occasionally like Perrier water
which is from France.
So instead I drink this American version.
Uncle bubble.
This is made from pure Tennessee
tap water, and it is only $1.89.
Even domestic products will experience some increases.
For example,
I used to eat Cap'n Crunch cereal before the price went up.
So today I buy this.
Sergeant Munch
to the lower rank.
Lower price flavor. Bad.
Awesome.
I love frozen pizza from DiGiorno,
but it's pricing higher lately.
So now I eat
Devonte.
This delicious alternative
was created by my cousin Devonte.
He makes pizza out of wonder bread and ketchup.
Remember it's not delivery.
It's Devonte. Back to. You.
Great tips Kenneth.
We can all use that money to pay back our student loans.
You never know.
Never going again.
Never going.
Nowhere.
I get. That money.
Okay, let's.
Take a moment for our sponsors.
Check to check. News is brought to you
by America's most popular toilet paper.
Chipotle napkins.
Hallway napkins.
Because Sherman prices be trippin.
And by Taco Bell.
Taco Bell.
Should meat cost less than gum?
Don't worry about it.
Well, check.
The checkers are always looking for ways to boost their income.
Here's Bryce Terry with the side hustle minute.
Hi, guys.
Recent downturns have many investors on edge.
And for my money, there's no safer investment
than Funko Pops.
I sold my Freddy Funko Batman Beyond on eBay,
netting me a whopping $560, but I ended up buying several
rare new Funko Pops, which set me back $3,400.
So I guess I broke even though.
Bryce, you sold $560 of Funcoes and bought over $3,000 worth.
That's not breaking even.
Just give it a couple years. Kenneth.
Funko Pops are a solid investment.
Bryce, they're plastic dolls, right?
Yes. Get away from me, please.
Okay. Thanks, Bryce.
When we come back on check to check news,
it's a shampoo, body wash and shave gel all in one.
It's called bar soap. Oh, yeah.
That is the basics.
We'll see you later.
Ava Clarkson, 22,
didn't show up for work today,
and her roommate say she didn't come home last night.
Any relation to, counseling or to sister's kid?
Jesus Christ. Yeah.
City Hall's already
breathing down my neck, so we need all hands on deck
reviewing surveillance, calling coworkers, neighbors, everyone.
It's going to be a late one tonight,
so order some pizzas and
let's find that girl.
Pizza.
Awesome sauce.
I'm sure you guys have noticed that we have some friends
from the bureau joining us today.
Agent Murphy, you want to come up here?
Thanks, chief.
Yeah.
You know,
there's been a lot of misinformation
circling about this case on social media.
So I'd like to open it up to questions. What toppings
ya|ll think about it.
Hey, Daniel|s pepperoni. Who said that?
Daniel's.
Enough about the pizza.
Acting like a little kid.
Sorry, chief.
Not a little kid.
No. Eva was last seen at work on Sunday night.
We got a garbage man
that places are on Drayton and Bull at around 7 p.m..
It's three blocks, so I don't even want pizza anymore.
Are you going to come?
No, I'm just saying I'm not going to eat any pizza,
even though it's my birthday. No it's not.
You just had your 50th.
Dave and Busters to chill.
Not everyone was invited.
It's fine. You didn't invite me, Daniels.
You know I don't even deserve pizza.
Maybe I'll get a soda.
Maybe I'll have a soda.
And that's all I'll have from the pizza party.
It's not a pizza party.
Okay. I'm sorry I'm lost here. Can we just start over?
Let's just focus up and try to find this dog.
It's a missing girl. Whatever. What?
Oh my gosh.
We don't know. That's what this is.
Why are we sitting around here and having a sleepover?
This isn't a sleepover, man.
This is work.
I ordered pizzas to be nice.
Three cheese, three Hawaiian. Whoa!
You've got a half Hawaiian.
Just make that call.
Raise your hand if you love Hawaiian.
Who orders Hawaiian.
For one, it that's not just for you.
It's for everybody.
Look at what you're doing. Sullivan.
He's growling like a dog. Like we say, Quantico.
It ain't a sleepover without meat lovers, y'all. You.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I realized immediately I shouldn't have done that.
It's victim's mother.
That was great.
Ma'am, I am so deeply sorry about everything.
I don't know what to do.
My whole world is upside down.
I know exactly what you're going through.
When I was young, I had a dog run away, too.
Dog
Can we please just focus on finding the missing girl?
We're never going to find her if we.
Oh, my God.
Got your pizza?
Yeah.
Six Hawaiian. Oh!
It's time for America's
favorite game show
Hello and.
Good evening.
I'm your host, Marky Mark Brandon Marcus.
And welcome back to guess the correct answer.
Not a huge fan of the title myself,
but the focus group called it fine for now.
Let's meet our two teams
for our first fair today.
Joining us in Boston, we've got Ana Tillman
and from Queens we've got Peter McGrath.
Who likes to be here.
Let's get this party started.
From Maplewood, new Jersey, it's Damien Driver
and from Burlington it's Paul Mccroskey.
How are you guys feeling?
I am To be here. Actually.
Pretty nervous. I'm not going to lie.
Oh, why is that, Paul?
Oh, geez, I don't know.
I just
I have a great life, and I'm afraid I could do
something embarrassing here
that could go viral and sort of ruin it all.
Oh, well, don't think like that.
You're going to do great.
I hope so. I really hope so.
I got a great family, beautiful wife from a dentist,
well-liked in my community.
I don't even really need the money.
It's just not much to gain and a whole lot to lose.
Damn.
Yeah, well, hope it goes well.
Let's play.
We'll start with you two.
The rules of the game are simple, Damien.
Your job is to get Paul to guess
what's on the card in front of you.
Your category is things you might find in a workplace.
Oh, nice. Nice, nice.
Because right up my alley.
I work in a workplace.
Very good.
Yeah, I think I was wrong, totally wrong before.
I think it's going to be fun.
Excellent.
Your time starts now. Okay.
Something that's racist.
Me? Well, me.
Me, myself, my family, my whole family.
No, but my friends, my best friends, my my groomsmen,
my jokes, my my funny accents and my points. No.
And you're doing exactly what you were worried about.
Come on, man, it's something small.
My penis is. Small, but racist.
I know my penis.
No, man.
Okay. Pass. Pass. Oh. Okay.
What you drink first thing in the morning?
Vodka.
What you drink before work?
Vodka.
Don't talk to me before I've had my vasectomy.
What?
No pass.
Okay.
What you think about when you're, like, zoning out.
My daughter's friends.
My daughter's hot of friends.
Oh my God.
But what would you call the thoughts
you have about your daughter's friends?
Unstoppable. Unstoppable. Unceasing.
Unceasing. No, no.
But what are they?
Oh, Hyper sexual daydreaming.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I got it.
I got it in your faces
trying to make a viral fail clip out of that one, sucker.
Oh! Oh! Ooh!
Did I do that?
Hey, look, at least I. Got a point, right?
That is a fabulous, Wow.
What a disaster.
Oh. So sorry. I don't know what came over me.
Should we just swing it over to the other team?
They left a while ago.
Why do I still get to be a dentist?
Probably not.
Join us next time on.
That|s not what you called it before.
Hun
Donald you getting ready.
Hello to Donald.
It's your wife, Melania.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Sorry.
I'll, be ready in a second.
And I told you, if you want.
To be a man. You gotta start having shakes.
I mean, protein shakes.
Here's what you make your, It's about time.
Okay.
Buddy, did you just play your gold Rolex?
You said it was about time.
Right, bt dubs Where|s Ivanka
She's been M.I.A.
For dad's entire. Presidency.
You must ask yourself,
am I willing to give up greed
and material possessions
to lead an honest
and ethical life?
I mean, we are so lucky
that America will always be a rich and powerful nation.
I mean, can you imagine how awful
it would be if America lost all its money?
And no one in the world respected us any more, and.
You would never let our economy go to pieces,
right, honey? You.
I love my butter noodles.
By the way, mom.
What a sudden accent.
Aren't you from Slovenia?
North Carolina? Go, Tar. Heel.
Oh, and you're commerce secretary Howard London
is sitting over there, says he wants to watch
America be bent over and railed by other countries.
You know, some people.
Are just way there.
Like that man who arrived on the boat with us, RFK Jr.
Like, I have always crazy ideas,
but I have this
syringe full of active measles virus stabs somebody with
these insane ideas like, what have we took
all the fluoride out of the drinking water
with the woman that drew the people's teeth?
You're right.
That's bad.
Oh, the monkey
I'm gonna go kill. Him, you.
Know?
No, not the monkey
These all white Trump.
Dudes are trying to ruin.
My life.
Oh, my God,
there's $5 million in my bank account.
It was 20 million last week.
Kristy Noem, I am.
So glad you're
sending all those Venezuelans back to where they belong.
El Salvador.
But I couldn't do it without you. Pam Bondi.
You're the attorney general, and I've been told that General,
everything I'm doing is illegal.
Totally.
Hey, people like me, right?
Yeah. You're great. Marco. Yeah.
I'm. Hey, we're gonna, go take a walk over there for a second,
okay?
Can I cheer you up.
Vladimir Putin
you look sad
Going to do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna put a 500% tariff on China.
Okay.
What's the matter, Vladimir?
I think we're all having weird dreams.
What did I do last night?
Yeah, baby. Oh.
Surprise!
It's me, Tiger Woods.
and the Masters. Only on CBS.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIZZO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* EVERYTHING LOOKS
SO MUCH DIFFERENT
AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I NEED *
* REAL LOVE AND REAL LIFE *
**
* WIPE MY EYES
COMB MY HAIR *
* THERE'S A LOT OF
PAIN OUT THERE *
* I FEEL SAFER
IN MY BATHROOM *
* CLOSE THE DOOR
HIT IGNORE *
* ALL SHE REALLY
WANTS TO KNOW
IS IF I'M REALLY 'BOUT
TO GO DOWNTOWN *
* TONIGHT
OOH
I MIGHT MAKE AN APPEARANCE
SINCE I LOOK THIS FINE *
* AND PLUS IT'S BEEN A WHILE
TONIGHT
OOH *
* TEQUILA DO YOUR JOB
GIRL, HELP ME
CHANGE MY MIND *
* HOW MANY SHOTS THIS TIME
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR *
* HEY, HO, HEY, HO
GIVE ME SOMETHING
WITH A LITTLE TEMPO *
* HEY, HO, HEY, HO
GIVE ME SOMETHING I CAN
THROW IT BACK FOR *
* BY THE END OF THE WORLD
FEELS LIKE THE
END OF THE WORLD *
* IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD *
**
* I'M 'BOUT TO THROW
MY PHONE AWAY *
* CAN'T LET MY GIRLS KNOW
GROOVIN' MESSIN'
WITH MY DAY *
* HE ACT LIKE HE CAN'T
BE REPLACED, OKAY *
* WELL, HE GON' HATE
TO SEE ME LEAVE BUT
LOVE TO WATCH ME WALK AWAY *
* HE KNOCKED ME DOWN
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER
GET MY FINE ASS
OFF THE GROUND, OH-OH *
* BUT I'M READY NOW
FEELIN' CRAZY LATELY
BABY, LET'S GO OUT *
* I DON'T NEED HIM
I NEED A DRINK *
* LET'S TURN THIS PAIN INTO
SOME CHAMPAGNE, BABY *
* LIKE CHEERS, BITCH
IT'S BEEN A DAY *
* MIGHT TAKE THAT LAST
FLIGHT OUT TO VEGAS *
* WHAT Y'ALL THINK
OKAY *
* I DON'T NEED HIM
I NEED A DRINK *
* I DON'T KNOW WHY LIFE IS
SO MESSED UP LATELY *
* BUT AFTER EVERYTHING
I'M STILL SURVIVING
AND I'M STILL BAD, BABY
SO, BITCH I CAN'T COMPLAIN *
* PLOT TWIST
I'M DOING GREAT *
* I MAKE THAT BEEN THROUGH
IT LOOK SEXY
DON'T I, Y'ALL *
* I DON'T NEED HIM
I NEED TO THROW ASS
BEEN A MINUTE *
* BREAK FAST WITH MY BITCHES
REAL LOVE, REAL LIFE
DAMN I'VE BEEN MISSING *
* HE KNOCKED ME DOWN
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER
GET MY FINE ASS
OFF THE GROUND, OH-OH *
* BUT I'M READY NOW
FEELING CRAZY LATELY
BABY, LET'S GO OUT *
* I DON'T NEED HIM
I NEED A DRINK *
* LET'S TURN THIS PAIN INTO
SOME CHAMPAGNE, BABY *
* LIKE CHEERS, BITCH
IT'S BEEN A DAY *
* MIGHT TAKE THAT LAST
FLIGHT OUT TO VEGAS *
* WHAT Y'ALL THINK
OKAY *
* I DON'T NEED HIM
I NEED A DRINK *
* I DON'T KNOW WHY LIFE
BEEN SO MESSED UP LATELY *
* BUT AFTER EVERYTHING
WE STILL SURVIVING AND
WE STILL BAD, BABY
SO, BITCH I CAN'T COMPLAIN *
* I'M STILL BAD, BABY
WHO'S BAD *
* DON'T STOP, GET IT, GET IT
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
SHE BACK IN THE BUILDING *
* PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER WE
STILL BAD Y'ALL *
* STILL BAD, DON'T FORGET IT
I'M STILL BAD, BABE *
* COME ON *
* SHE BACK IN THE BUILDING *
* IT'S BEEN A YEAR I NEED A
DRINK *
* LET'S TURN THIS PAIN INTO
SOME CHAMPAGNE, BABY *
* LIKE CHEERS, BITCH
IT'S BEEN A DAY
OH, IT'S BEEN A DAY *
* MIGHT TAKE THAT LAST
FLIGHT OUT TO VEGAS *
* WHAT Y'ALL THINK
OKAY *
* I DON'T NEED HIM
I NEED A DRINK *
* I DON'T KNOW WHY LIFE IS
SO MESSED UP LATELY *
* BUT AFTER EVERYTHING
I'M STILL SURVIVING
AND I'M STILL BAD, BABY
SO, BITCH I CAN'T COMPLAIN *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
It's Weekend Update
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Welcome to. Weekend Update.
I'm Michael Che I|m Colin Jost
Well, this week
President Trump tried to rescue the economy from the disastrous
policies of whoever was president last week.
On Wednesday, Trump announced he was pausing most tariffs
for 90 days.
Now, 90 days may not seem like a long time,
but remember, Trump has only been president for 82 days
and it already feels like a goddamn decade.
Just hours before Trump paused the tariffs,
he tried to calm investors by posting be cool.
Everything is going to work out well.
Be cool. This is a global economy.
It's not like we got too high
and we're trying to get through dinner with our parents.
The CEOs of many tech companies who supported President
Trump's campaign
have said they were surprised by all of his tariffs.
Well, yeah, I mean, he hardly ever mentioned them.
We're going to have so much money coming in from tariffs.
Tariffs on pharmaceuticals, tariffs on steel, car tariffs.
Hundreds of billions of dollars in tariffs.
Substantial tariffs 10%.
Tariffs 25%. Tariffs 50%. Tariffs.
Big tariffs tariffs tariffs. Tariffs.
Tariffs.
Tariffs I love tariffs.
It's like listening to Bubba
Gump talk about shrimp.
Trump responded to the fallout
from his tariffs
saying sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.
Yeah.
But this feels like we took a whole bottle of medicine
with a glass of vodka and laid in a warm bath.
It was reported that Elon Musk
personally appealed to President Trump to stop his tariff plan,
and it worked. The stock market went up like this.
China's retaliatory tariffs will hurt U.S.
farmers who sell products to China
that they can sell elsewhere, including chicken seed,
which means those chickens will
now have to sell their feet on OnlyFans.
A new report shows
that if iPhones were manufactured in the US,
they could cost up to $3,500, which is a lot.
But remember your kids would get an employee discount.
The U.S.
Education Department has launched a website
in which students can report
public school teachers who violate Anti-DEI rules. So
remember, teachers, you got to sleep with the white ones too
Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr,
whose beauty routine involves rolling around
under those 7-Eleven hot dog lamps.
Said he plans to tell the CDC to stop recommending
that fluoride be put in drinking
water and start recommending veneers for kids.
It was reported that several white House officials
are refusing to answer messages from journalists
if their email signatures include identifying pronouns,
which is extremely frustrating for New York Times reporter.
Her they them.
This week, President Trump pauses tariffs on most countries
except China is raising them
to 145% as the trade war escalates.
Here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister Chen Bo.
Great day.
Reporter. Good to be here today.
Welcome back.
And so are you ready to come to the negotiating table
for a trade deal?
Not yet.
And has just been really enjoying my downtime.
You know, every day I wake up, I go on a walk,
I journal, I claim Taiwan.
Then at night, I unwind by being a heckler at Shen Yun.
So how
does China feel about Trump's tariffs?
I don't know.
It's like 145% cool number, bro.
I've got numbers two 1293
1877 cars for kids.
But you guys did raise your tariffs 135% in response.
Right.
And both of our countries are going to face a lot of hardship.
But wait, I'm just wondering which side is more willing
to endure hardship for the glory of their nation,
the one that's been around for thousands of years,
or the one that's sending Katy Perry to Spain?
Well, Trump is meeting with South Korea
and Japan to negotiate this week.
Don't you feel left out?
There's a hot girl feel left
out of, like, brace his camp.
Besides, what is there to negotiate?
Today, Trump announced
he was already walking back on smartphones and computers.
You can't live without our technology.
But I think we'll survive without your.
Newman's own salad dressing.
Oh, well, not just that.
This week you did threaten to ban
American movies from China, right?
Oh, no, we won't get your Hollywood movies.
The only thing that distracts us from working even harder.
Okay, fine.
Maybe you do have leverage on us.
Yeah, well, now that everyone in America
is losing all their money and rights, it's kind of like
we're both communist twins.
So the next time you buy a pair of Toms, they'll donate
another pair to you because you're the one in need.
You poor bitch.
Gotcha.
Well, are you surprised that Trump has
already backed off now?
Very surprised because he was so consistent
about tick tock, right.
Like, oh, it's a threat to National security.
But wait, I can't lose Gen Z.
I don't want to piss off Declan.
Declan.
Probably some 12 year old loser who bullies women online
in a Peter Griffin Fortnite skin ass.
And let's not be me.
I mean, JD Vance called everyone in China peasants.
And by the way, you can now order my memoir, Peasant Elegy,
wherever books are sold.
Glenn Close I want a Chinese
Oscar for the movie version because we appreciate her there.
Chen battle everybody be careful what you mean.
Oh, I'm.
Tesla is reportedly having trouble
selling Cybertruck's, partly due to its slogan Cybertruck.
What if Kanye was a car?
The assistant general manager of the Detroit Tigers
has resigned after he allegedly
sent lewd photos to his colleagues,
all with the caption now this is a torpedo back.
LeBron James has become
the first professional male athlete to get his own Kindle.
And just like the original King, he has a beard.
I'm going to cut that for air.
Yeah.
I was a writer for the 1990s show Mighty Morphin
Power Rangers is now saying that it was a mistake to cast
a black actor as the Black Ranger
and an Asian actor as the Yellow Ranger,
and he really regrets having a Mexican actor
play the lazy Ranger.
Of company in China,
a company in.
China has released
a new artificial intelligence sex doll.
And if you want the sex to be really good,
set the intelligence to low.
Oh, duty unit crackdowns.
On college campuses in a looming recession.
A new study shows that only 18% of young
people feel proud to be an American.
Here with his thoughts, is a meal with Queen.
Hi, Cohen, and.
Hello, my fellow Americans. Wow, a meal.
Are you feeling patriotic?
Honestly, no.
This is just to buy me some goodwill
before the stuff I'm about to say. Look,
it's a tough time to criticize America publicly,
especially with eyebrows like this.
But I want everyone to know it's out of love.
But I do have some notes.
I'm conflicted on America right now, you know?
But I am grateful to live here.
But look, my dad's an immigrant, and then my mom is, as Colin
says, normal. But.
But I'm an American, you know, like, in my bones I am,
and I just I know we're bad because my life is so good.
There's just no way it's cruelty free, you know?
And I love my life.
I do, I just I don't want to know how it's made, you know,
like I'm happy
until I have to see, like, what's holding it all up. Like
I'm happy till I have to see the UberEats delivery driver.
You know, it's just like an immigrant soaking wet,
and you're just like, oh, no, I'm a bad person.
But no, I'm not going to meet you in the lobby.
What?
I mean, come on, it's a three hour delivery fee.
You got to come up to my apartment.
Yeah, I'll leave the bike.
No one's taking the bike up the stairs. Come on, it's cold out.
Don't want me up.
Let's go. Up, up up up, up. Need right.
And then you just.
You open the door for him.
An amount that is just racist, frankly.
I mean, there's no way to put it
just enough for, like, the bag to fit through,
because you're in your underwear.
Because you had, like, a hard day
sending emails for Hitler or whatever anyone's job is.
And he's so nice.
He's just like, have a go on and you're like, have a go.
Like, you do his accent back to him
and you're like, oh no, I'm sorry.
And then he's gone
and you're just standing there with like a $40 burrito.
And somehow we've all convince ourselves
that none of us would have owned slaves, like, just
for like, no, I wouldn't know because I tip
in coffee shops sometimes.
Hey, hey,
I just want to say I wouldn't have
that thank.
Totally.
Yeah, totally.
Look, it's hard to not feel guilty living in America,
you know, because, like, I'm part of the problem.
Like, I know capitalism is bad, but, like, I'm in it, you know?
We all are.
And I'm sure there's people in this room that are like,
capitalism is evil,
but it's like, yeah, you're not above it
because you live in Brooklyn like you.
You still live in New York City, New York City of capitalism
was a physical location.
There was an M&M store next to a church.
This is hell. Like, and it's hard.
You gotta find middle ground, you know,
because you lose people when you go too far to one side.
Like, obviously billionaires are bad.
That's an easy take.
But I was talking to a friend that was just like,
I think we should abolish millionaires.
And I was like, hey man, don't you believe in yourself?
Like,
I have a dream.
A guy makes $1 million and you're like, he's cheating.
No. You're depressed.
Have a goal.
Thank you for stopping by.
And really, I'm excited to read all the YouTube
comments on this one.
Amir Rahim, everyone
stop.
A giant pouched
rat train to sniff out landmines has set a new world record
for most landmines detected by a rat. One.
The most you can do.
A new fashion trend for women are nap dresses,
part of a larger trend called clinical depression?
New York City police are searching for a man
accused of robbing
and sexually assaulting a dead body on the subway.
Concrete jungle.
There's nothing he can't do.
College. No. Beautiful voice.
Thank you. This will put me in the cars
again.
A group is asking new Jersey transit to make commutes
more joyful by putting googly eyes on the front of trains.
So at least you'll see a friendly face coming to help
when you're pushed on the tracks.
A tortoise at the Philadelphia
Zoo has become a mother for the first time.
At the age of 100,
the tortoise got pregnant after her boyfriend pulled out
to slow.
The tortoise.
Well, next Tuesday is tax day.
Many people are nervous about the state of the economy.
Here to comment is my accountant, Don Altman.
Hello, caller.
Hi, Don.
So the economy is pretty crazy. Are you stressed?
Me? Stressed.
Now, look, Colin, sometimes prices go up.
That's just how it is, okay?
Everybody's complaining about eggs being expensive.
It's like, so what? Adapt.
I've been eating my own eggs for months now.
Have, you know, they make a very runny omelet.
Oh, my. Yeah.
That's the first thing you said.
All right. How am I done?
How are my taxes looking? Okay.
They're not they're good.
And they actually have
all of your financial records right here.
So let's go through your budget
like you go through an after party, line by line.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
First up we got the ferry boat.
That is a big expense.
That's a big expense. And oh, this isn't good.
You're letting people use your private jet for free, and,
Oh, it's for Ice deportation.
You're spending a huge amount of money on your taxes. Tax?
Isn't that your job?
Sorry.
That's my own personal abbreviation, not taxes.
Kate.
What is.
You. Are you abbreviating waxes as taxes?
Of course I do.
Oh, so, Colin,
you got to cut back on all these expensive meals.
I I'm sorry. I love to eat out.
That's not what they say on the internet. Group chat.
The the
interns have a group chat. Oh.
So, wait,
you're saying I should cut back on going to restaurants?
Well, you got to cut back on food
entirely on your website because it looks
like you've been accepting all cookies.
Is that.
Is that a fat.
Oh, was it a skinny Joe?
Gone.
I'm sorry.
I'm right, I am fries.
Economy is exploding. Colin.
You know what?
Just give me a moment.
I'm going to practice this really cool
ancient breathing technique I learned from a shaman
in Thailand. Oh.
Oh, better.
And then it's crazy down there.
Colin, I didn't know your chair was also a toilet.
Well, any chair can be.
But seriously,
Don, how much do I owe in Texas?
Colin, I know you're nervous because your last financial
advisor killed himself in his jail cell.
But don't worry, I'm cool.
Okay? My shaman taught me another.
Ancient technique that helps me every single day.
Oh, what is that?
One moment please.
My dog Colin.
There are, like, so many women.
Tied up back here.
No, there.
Don't admit everyone.
There's no woman back there.
For Weekend Update
I|m Colin Jost I|m Michael Che Goodnight!
Wow. This is really nice.
Yeah. Do you hear that? Quiet.
Is it bad to say that I'm kind of happy that the schools
and the kids on a camping trip this week.
I know, I mean, I love them, but I can't remember
the last time we saw friends two days in a row.
Are Randy and Trevor still coming?
They said they went out last night.
Sorry Sorry Sorry
Right now we're here and we're late.
And I'm so sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
We made it. Oh,
Hey, guys.
Hi. Sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know, we're on her schedule.
Oh, my. Gosh.
Whose baby is that?
Excuse me.
It's ours. Wait, but, How.
Okay. I'm sorry, but gay. Gay people can't.
Have a baby.
Yeah, but, like, where did it come from?
Excuse me. Excuse me. Wow.
You are not allowed to talk like that.
That is so invasive.
Okay, but like,
we were with you last night and you did not have a baby
yet. And you guys said that after dinner,
you were going to go to a rave called Bulge Dungeon.
And now today, you have a baby.
What we're asking is, how did this happen?
Okay. I'm sorry.
Why is it when it's us, an interrogation?
I don't ask you why you're poor.
I got you $10,000.
I think we're just wondering who the mother is.
Hey. Well, between the two of us, I'm more emotional.
And I like shopping, so me, I.
Yeah, but, I mean, I have long hair,
and he is an alcoholic, so I guess it's like two moms.
I guess.
Guys, how did you get this baby?
Okay, we didn't
pull it out of your vagina, if that's what you're asking.
People think they. Can ask gay people anything.
It's not. Okay.
Yeah, we don't ask you guys whose butt you use for anal.
Okay.
I mean, I guess what's confusing us
is you never mentioned that you were having a baby,
so this feels pretty sudden.
Yeah, because it wasn't planned.
Sometimes it's an accident.
How does a gay couple have a baby?
By accident.
What do you want us to say?
That we stole her.
Did you?
Well, we like to think of it as she stole us.
So does that mean. Yes.
Why are you confused?
English was my eighth language.
And even I know what that expression means.
What other languages do you speak?
You can't ask me that.
Wow, the transphobia is real.
What?
I'm so sorry.
Is one of you a trans man?
No no no no no, you cannot just ask that girl.
But no.
God, they should come up with the word
for when people have a phobia towards homos.
You mean homophobia.
I literally
speak eight languages, and I've never heard that word.
Okay, you need to tell us which eight.
English. French.
AP French Navi, Simlish, black
ish, grown ish and singing.
Where is your baby from? Us.
But how did you get it?
You mean she? They.
Until he tells us otherwise.
What are you talking about?
Oh, the way people talk to gay people is crazy.
By the way,
no one has acknowledged that it's National AAPI month.
I thought. May is AAPI.
Month. No, this is not the AAPI that you're thinking of.
It stands for.
Everybody.
Please, I need ya
Okay, okay.
You know what? Fine.
If you're going to be like this, I don't want it anymore.
I think she's waking up. Oh,
everybody.
Everybody, please, I need you.
I'm a baby bitch.
What?
How old is this baby?
You cannot ask women that.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, LIZZO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
* AH, HERE WE GO
PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS
PLAYING WITH MY SOUL
BUT I CAN'T LET YOU GO *
* I JUST WANT TO BE WANTED
AND FEEL BEAUTIFUL *
* YOU BETTER KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT
AND IF IT AIN'T ME *
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU
DON'T MAKE MY HEART
BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST *
* DON'T MAKE ME WANT YOU
IF YOU JUST WANT
SOMETHING ELSE *
* DON'T YOU -- WITH ME BABY
IF THIS AIN'T IT
JUST TELL ME TONIGHT *
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU
IF YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
DON'T WASTE MY TIME *
**
* AYYYYY *
* I'M GOING ON A DRIVE
TO GIVE YOU A COUPLE
MINUTES TO MAKE UP
YOUR MIND *
* WELL BABY I'LL BE FINE
YEAH
'CAUSE I'M A
BIG FINE WOMAN *
* DON'T LOSE YOUR
PLACE IN LINE *
* IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT, OH-OH
LET ME BE FREE *
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU
DON'T MAKE MY HEART
BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST *
* DON'T MAKE ME WANT YOU
IF YOU JUST WANT
SOMETHING ELSE *
* DON'T YOU -- WITH ME BABY
IF THIS AIN'T IT
JUST TELL ME TONIGHT *
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU
IF YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
DON'T WASTE MY TIME *
* YOU STARTED SLEEPING ON ME
DON'T YOU SLEEP ON ME *
* I'M FIGHTING FOR US
BUT YOU JUST WANT TO FIGHT *
* DON'T DO ME WRONG PLEASE
DON'T PROVE ME RIGHT *
* IF YOU DON'T WANT ME
BY THE END OF THE NIGHT
I'M MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE *
* DON'T MAKE ME LOVE YOU
DON'T MAKE MY HEART
BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST *
* DON'T MAKE ME WANT YOU
IF YOU JUST WANT
SOMETHING ELSE *
* DON'T YOU PLAY
WITH ME BABY
IF THIS AIN'T IT
JUST TELL ME TONIGHT *
* DON'T MAKE ME
WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE *
* IF YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO CHANGE YOUR MIND
DON'T WASTE MY TIME
DON'T WASTE MY TIME *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Rock climbing with a smile.
Kayaking with your significant other.
Hiking with your interracial friends.
If you find yourself doing any of these activities
in slow motion, you may have herpes.
As we've learned from Valtrex commercials,
these recreational activities are the number one
indicators of herpes infection.
Medical science doesn't understand why the herpes virus
causes people to seek active fun in slow motion.
But we know that it does.
And that means it's time to get tested.
One night, I found myself happily salsa
dancing in slow motion with my white husband.
That's when I knew I should contact my doctor.
Sure enough, it was herpes.
I was experiencing painful genital sores,
but that could be anything.
Rock climbing in slo mo.
That can only means one thing.
Herpes. Herpes is easily spread.
Just look for signs like dancing in an outdoor beer garden.
String lights.
Winning a carnival game on the first try.
Cheering in the front row of a folk rock concert.
In a very small space.
Or hanging out with exactly one white person.
One black person, one Asian person and one Latin person.
You're hanging out in slow mo group.
It may be hard to know
which friend is the one with the herpes.
It's simple. It's the one who's having the most fun.
Not all slo mo activities are signs of herpes.
If you're a woman wearing a generic men's
football jersey and no pants,
your husband has erectile dysfunction.
If your child was showing your drawing,
you're clinically depressed.
And if you find yourself in a big musical number
in the middle of an office, you have diabetes or diarrhea.
So be smart and get tested.
Today.
Ow ow ow ow.
Know the signs and treat the symptoms with once daily
Herpastopper
We tried to come up with a better name, but nobody can.
Think of one.
Ok. Hey, everyone, welcome to Wild Farm Foods, Inc..
Really excited to have a new batch of employees.
Great to be here.
Now, have you guys ever done an icebreaker before?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. I love.
That's great.
Well, what I'd love to do is go around the room
and you can each say your name and a fun fact about yourself,
and then we'll try to remember everyone's names and facts.
I can go first.
I'm Chris, and I love gardening.
I am Derek, and I have a twin. Oh.
I am Cassidy, and I was a competitive swimmer.
Nice.
I am, I am Phillip,
and I like to paint. Oh.
I am Greg.
And my mom killed my dad naked on TV.
Okay, Susan.
Oh, I am Susan,
and I forgot mine.
That's all right.
Take your time. Okay.
I'm Susan, and I'm a woman.
Okay.
So can anyone remember anyone else?
facts?
Chris loves gardening, and Phillip likes to paint,
and Greg's mom killed his dad naked on TV.
Good memory. Yeah.
That's nice.
Anybody else?
Chris loves gardening.
Derek has a twin.
I did swimming, and Greg's dad killed his mom naked on TV.
Oh, close.
My mom killed my dad naked on TV.
Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay.
I think I got him.
Chris loves gardening.
Derek has a twin, and Cassidy was a swimmer.
Phillip likes to paint.
My mom killed my dad naked on TV.
And, I know you're a woman, but remind me of your name.
Janet. It's Susan. You're right.
Well, now, in the game, if
you remember someone's name, you're actually allowed
to ask a follow up question about their fact.
So, Derek, what is your twin's name?
Jerrod
Cassidy.
What swimming stroke did you do?
Butterfly.
Greg, what show was it on?
Jackass.
Phillip, what do you like to paint?
Vampires.
Susan, what's your favorite part of being a woman?
My breasts.
Cassidy, what do you swim in?
Water.
Greg.
Was it funny or sad?
Both.
Chris, what do you garden?
Lettuces.
Derek, is your twin identical?
No. And, Greg, what would I type into Google
if I wanted to watch what you were talking about?
Woman. Jackass. Party. Donkey.
Porta-potty world record.
Raven-Simone lesbian.
November 5th, 2002.
Okay.
It'll come up if I search all of those.
Any two. You know what?
Maybe we just wipe the slate clean, play something out.
Like, two truths and a lie.
You know, for example, I'm a Capricorn.
I have a dog, and I love to cook vegan food. Oh.
I'll go.
Oh, okay.
Susan, just give me, two turns into, like.
Once I got on the bus and a man
asked me if I wanted $20, I said yes.
When I looked down, he was not holding $20.
He was holding. Susan, let me finish.
Oh, sorry. He was holding his penis.
I am so sorry.
No, no, I liked it.
Are you done?
Well, that was just my lie.
That was plenty.
Well, you know, I thought it'd be good
to get to know each other, but he was actually legit
a huge mistake.
Oh, I remembered my fact.
It's my birthday. Great.
So I think there's only one thing left for us to do.
Watch the video, you know.
I got it right here.
Although I.
Whoa!
Oh my God.
What? Oh.
Oh. Here.
Right.
Yes. Oh, no.
What? Oh!
Oh, no. Oh!
>>> MY THANKS TO LIZZO, KIERAN
CULKIN, THIS INCREDIBLE CAST,
YOU GUYS FOR BRAVING THE
ELEMENTS, SPRINGTIME, LORNE
MICHAELS, THE CREW, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, GUYS, FOR HAVING ME
BACK.
THIS WAS AMAZING.
HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**