>>> YOU'RE WATCHING C-SPAN. HEY, NETFLIX, WE'RE FOR SALE, TOO.
WE NOW GO TO THE PENTAGON FOR A
PRESS CONFERENCE WITH THE
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
PRESS, AS YOU KNOW THERE HAVE
BEEN CONCERNS ABOUT ONGOING
MILITARY ACTION OFF THE COAST OF
VENEZUELA.
HERE TO ANSWER ALL YOUR
QUESTIONS IN A CALM,
NONAGGRESSIVE FASHION IS I CAN'T
REMEMBER OF WAR -- PETE HEGSETH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
>> YEAH!
SHUT THE HELL UP, SHUT UP, CUT
THE MUSIC.
WHAT?
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WHERE ARE THE FATTIES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU, OUT.
>> WHAT?
I'M NOT EVEN FAT.
>> BOO, REALLY?
YOU THINK YOU'RE HIDING UNDER
THAT BLAZER, PORKY?
WHO DO YOU WRITE FOR, "THE
CHICAGO TROMBONE"?
THAT'S WHAT THEY PLAY WHEN YOUR
FAT ASS WALKS AROUND.
LISTEN UP.
AS YOU PROBABLY READ IN SOME GAY
NEWSPAPER, WE'RE NOW AT WAR WITH
VENEZUELA.
OH, YOU NERDS ARE LIKE, WAIT,
WAS THERE AN OFFICIAL
DECLARATION OF WAR?
YEAH, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
SUPERFINGER, DANE COOK.
YOU GOT QUESTIONS, FINE, PRETEND
I'M A RANDOM FISHING BOAT AND
FIRE AWAY.
>> OKAY.
IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE
ALLEGATIONS THAT AFTER AN
INITIAL STRIKE ON A DRUG
SMUGGLING BOAT, YOU ORDERED A
SECOND STRIKE TO KILL THE
SURVIVORS?
>> UH, FIRST OF ALL, THAT KIND
OF CRUEL, HEARTLESS ACT HAS NO
PLACE IN "OPERATION KILL
EVERYBODY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SECOND, I WASN'T EVEN IN THE
ROOM WHEN IT HAPPENED, OKAY?
I WAS SO JACKED UP AFTER THE
FIRST STRIKE, I HAD TO MAKE AN
EMERGENCY CALL TO MY SPONSOR --
SORRY, A GUY I MET IN AN ONUS IN
MEETING -- SO I DON'T DRINK
SOMETHING --
¶ THAT I LIKE BUT I CAN'T HAVE
BUT I NEED IT AND I WANT IT
RIGHT NOW BUP BUP BUP IT'S
BOOZE ¶
LOVE LOVE
[ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT QUESTION?
>> YES, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO
SENATOR MARK KELLY, WHO SAID YOU
ACT LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD PLAYING
ARMY?
>> KELLY, THAT'S A GIRL'S NAME.
WHAT'S HIS FIRST NAME, DRESS?
>> NO.
IT'S MARK LIKE I SAID.
>> OH, GET A HUSBAND.
>> I'M TRYING!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, IF I
WAS JUST PLAYING ARMY, WOULD
THERE BE 80 DEAD FISHERMEN --
NARCOTERRORISTS?
VENEZUELA RIGHT NOW?
NEXT QUESTION.
>> YEAH, SO IS 80 THE OFFICIAL
DEATH TOLL?
>> IS 80 THE OFFICIAL -- NO,
IT'S 6-7, 6-7.
IDIOT.
LET'S JUST SAY IF I HAD A DRINK
FOR EVERY VENEZUELAN WE'VE
KILLED, I'D REALLY LIKE THAT
NUMBER OF DRINKS.
ALL RIGHT, NEXT?
OH, MY GOD, IS THAT MATT GAETZ?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ME, MATT GAETZ.
I'M A REPORTER NOW.
QUESTION.
YOU'RE ONLY KILLING PEOPLE WHO
ARE TRAFFICKING DRUGS, RIGHT?
SO HYPOTHETICALLY, IF SOMEONE
WERE TRAFFICKING SOMETHING
ELSE -- THEY'D BE OKAY?
>> WE'RE TARGETING DRUG
SMUGGLERS EXCLUSIVELY.
>> DIGGY, NO FURTHER QUESTIONS,
YOUR HONOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I HAVE A QUESTION.
>> OH, JESUS.
YEAH, WILL & GRACE, GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MY NAME IS ACTUALLY WILLIAM
GRACE.
HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE
ALLEGATIONS THAT THE SO-CALLED
WAR ON SMUGGLERS IS A SMOKE
SCREEN FOR REGIME CHANGE?
>> OH, WHOA, WAY TO SOLVE THE
MYSTERY, SCOOB.
OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE
DOING AND IT ALWAYS WORKS.
JUST LIKE IT DID IN GUATEMALA,
NICARAGUA, CUBA, BRAZIL,
BOLIVIA, PANAMA -- HOST
¶ HAITI ELSALVADOR CHILI
HONDURAS PERU" ANIMANIACS!
>> SECRETARYING HE GET, SOME
PEOPLE ACCUSE YOU OF HAR CRIMES.
EVEN THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN
DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM YOU.
>> I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU,
HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A GIRL?
I'M GENUINELY ASKING.
>> I HAVE A WIFE.
>> OKAY, SEND HERMES WAY WHEN
SHE WANTS TO ACTUALLY FEEL
SOMETHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ANYWAY, TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION -- PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS
MY BACK 100%.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
UNLIKE YOU BETA CUCKS, HE'S A
HIGH-ENERGY ALPHA WHO TRUSTS ME
AND LISTENS TO ME NO MATTER
WHAT, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MR.
PRESIDENT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> STOP, MAMDANI!
YOU CAN FREEZE MY RENT ANY TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WASN'T SLEEPING.
I'M VERY MUCH AWAKE.
NOW SOMEONE QUICKLY TELL ME,
WHERE AM I, WHO MY, AND WHAT
YEAR MIGHT IT BE?
>> GOOD ONE, MR. PRESIDENT.
EVERYTHING YOU DO THAT'S WEIRD,
IT'S A JOKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS JUST TELLING EVERYONE THAT
I HAD YOUR FULL SUPPORT.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
WE LOVE PETE.
HE'S A GREAT GUY.
HE WAS JUST FOG OF WAR, RIGHT?
FOG OF WAR.
IT'S A THING YOU ONLY SAY AFTER
DOING WAR CRIME.
RIGHT?
YOU NEVER HEAR A GENERAL GO,
"EVERYTHING WENT ACCORDING TO
PLAN IN FOG OF WAR."
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GO INTO THE
SAUNA AT EQUINOX AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE DOING STUFF YOU NEVER DID
BEFORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOG OF WAR.
FOG OF WAR, WE LOVE IT.
IT'S A GREAT NEW EXCUSE, WE LOVE
IT.
SO I STAND BY PETE.
AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE MY MIND.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT COULD HURT
ME IN ANY WAY.
IN WHICH I WAS, I'LL THROW HIM
UNDER MUST HAVE MAMDANI'S FREE
BUSES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I HAVE A QUESTION.
MR. PRESIDENT, MORE AMERICANS
INCLUDING YOUR OWN VOTERS BLAME
YOU FOR THE AFFORDABILITY
CRISIS.
WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE TO THEM?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHH, HE'S SLEEPING.
WE GOT TO GET HIM TO ANOTHER MRI
BEFORE HE WAKES UP.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
MUSICAL ACT DIJON! AND YOUR HOST, MELISSA McCARTHY! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MELISSA
McCARTHY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
IT IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"
FOR THE SIXTH TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALSO, DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
I MEAN, COME ON, PINCH ME.
THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN
CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK.
THIS SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR.
IT'S ABOUT FAMILY AND FRIENDS
AND CLASSIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC.
COME ON, SET THE MOOD, GANG.
¶¶
OH, THAT'S NICE.
SPEAKING OF MUSIC, THERE'S
SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
ABOUT ME.
IS THAT I AM A MUSICIAN.
AND MY INSTRUMENT -- AND MY
INSTRUMENT IS THE MOUTH HORN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S THE MOUTH HORN.
AND I'M A BIT NERVOUS, BUT --
MAYBE IF WE BRING DOWN THE
LIGHTS?
I CAN GIVE YOU A LITTLE TASTE OF
CHRISTMAS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS ]
¶¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SOAK IT UP, SOAK IT UP, THANK
YOU.
OH, MY GOSH, YOU'RE AMAZING.
JUST SAY NICE THINGS TO ME.
OH, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR,
THOUGH.
THE TREE IS LIT AND SANTA'S
CHECKING HIS LIST.
HE'S GOT NAUGHTY AND NICE AND
EPSTEIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE COULD ALL USE A LITTLE
CHRISTMAS MAGIC.
SO HOW ABOUT WE PUT A LITTLE BIT
OF SNOW TO GET US IN THE HOLIDAY
MOOD?
AH, COME ON.
DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE SNOW.
ALL RIGHT?
HERE IT IS.
THAT IS TOO MUCH!
I'LL TAKE IT.
YOU KNOW, THE HOLIDAYS ARE
ALWAYS SENTIMENTAL FOR ME.
THERE'S THE CLASSIC PAIRINGS.
COOKIES AND MILK.
HAM AND GLAZE.
AND EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE.
MOUTH HORN AND A PIANO DUET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED SANTA NOR A
PIANO -- BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
LOOKS LIKE I JUST GOT MY WISH.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, MY
FAVORITE SONG WAS -- OKAY, STOP.
STOP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
STOP, STOP, STOP.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
>> YES.
>> NO, NO.
NO!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP?
>> I NEED TO HIT MY MARK.
>> YOU ARE WAY OVER YOUR MARK.
>> I'M SORRY, YEP.
BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK.
>> NO, NO, COME ON, NO MORE.
>> OKAY, I'M GOING TO SET IT IN
PLACE, WATCH YOUR FINGERS, OKAY?
>> OW, STOP!
>> SORRY, BYE.
>> YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS.
>> NONSENSE, MELISSA McCARTHY,
COME ON.
>> HI, SANTA KENAN.
>> JUST KENAN IS FINE.
YOU HAVEN'T RUINED ANYTHING,
EVERYONE HERE LOVES YOU.
WHY DON'T WE DO ONE OF YOUR
FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS?
>> YOU WANT ME TO SING?
>> NO, I WANT YOU TO BLOW.
THAT SWEET, SWEET HORN.
¶ CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ¶
¶¶
¶ CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ¶
¶¶
¶ CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ¶
COME ON!
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK!
¶ CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ¶
¶¶
>>> HI, FOLKS.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A FREE
SAMPLE?
>> DON'T MIND IF I DO.
BABE, SHALL WE?
>> YES, INDEED.
>> WE JUST GOT IT IN, IT'S
CALLED ROCKY LAKE GOAT CHEESE
FROM MAINE.
>> HM, REALLY GOOD, THANK YOU.
YEAH, WE'LL DEFINITELY THINK
ABOUT IT.
>> I'LL BE HERE, HA HA!
>> OH, HELLO.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SAMPLE?
>> ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I AM.
I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL SEMI-SOFT
GOAT CHEESE IF YOU'D LIKE TO
TRY?
IT'S FREE.
>> FREE FOR ME?
OKAY.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
SAY.
NOBODY'S EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE
THIS FOR ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL -- IT'S MY JOB, HA HA.
HERE, GIVE IT A TRY.
>> THANK YOU.
I JUST -- I FEEL BAD.
I DIDN'T GET -- I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING FOR YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ME
ANYTHING, JUST ENJOY THE SAMPLE
AND HAVE A GREAT DAY.
OH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL.
BECAUSE OF YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY.
>> OKAY, AWESOME.
>> AWESOME.
>> NICE SEEING YOU.
>> YOU'VE MADE EVERYTHING NEW.
>> FREE SAMPLE?
>> YES.
THIS IS A WASH RIND GOAT CHEESE
ALL THE WAY FROM MAINE.
>> YOU SAID WASH RIND?
PROBABLY BETTER THAN A DIRTY
RIND -- OH, OKAY.
>> THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
SORRY.
I HAD TO COME BACK BECAUSE I --
I JUST -- I CAN'T NOT REPAY YOUR
KINDNESS.
SO I WANTED -- I HAVE TO GIVE
YOU SOMETHING.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS RING.
THIS IS MY MOTHER'S.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOT MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER, YOU
KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS ABANDONED IN
INFANCY.
BUT THIS BELONGED -- THIS
BELONGED TO THE WOMAN THAT WAS
MY FOSTER MOTHER WHO'S MY MOM TO
ME.
>> I JUST REALLY COULDN'T.
>> LOOK, YES YOU CAN --
>> NO --
>> YES, YOU CAN.
>> NO.
>> MY FINGERS ARE HERE, YES, YOU
CAN.
ANYWAY, SHE WAS ALWAYS LIKE, I'M
NOT YOUR MOTHER, I'M BARELY YOUR
FOSTER MOTHER, STOP TELLING
PEOPLE I'M YOUR MOTHER.
I'D SAY, I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE
YOU'RE MY MOTHER BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LET ME GO TO SCHOOL, SO I
DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO!
>> HA HA HA!
MOMS, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH
MOMS?
>> YEAH.
>> FREE SAMPLES?
>> ARE YOU GOING TO TRY IT?
IT'S A DELICIOUS GOAT CHEESE --
>> OH, MY GOD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW, SORRY -- SORRY ABOUT
THAT.
BUT I'M JUST WONDERING IF I MAY
EXPRESS MY THANKS TO YOU
PHYSICALLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MAY I -- MAY I GIVE YOU A HUG?
>> SURE.
YOU KNOW -- BUT THEN YOU'VE GOT
TO GO, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> YEAH.
>> ANTICIPATING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S NICE.
>> YEAH, THAT'S SO NICE.
OH!
>>.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BOOP!
BOOP!
>> BOOP!
>> WOW, THAT'S -- THAT'S THE
BEST HUG I'VE EVER HAD.
I MEAN, NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S MY
FIRST HUG, WHICH IT WAS.
IT WAS REALLY GOOD.
>> HI, MA'AM.
DO YOU HAVE A DOG TIED UP IN THE
FRONT OF THE STORE?
>> YOU GOT TO BE MORE SPECIFIC
THAN THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, DO YOU HAVE SIX DOGS
TIED UP OUTSIDE?
>> LET'S SEE.
FOUR, FIVE, SIX -- YEAH, THOSE
ARE MINE, PROBABLY.
>> OKAY, WELL, THEY'RE BARKING
AT PEOPLE OF COLOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND ONE BIT THE SALVATION ARMY
BELL RINGER.
SO COULD YOU PLEASE GO ATTEND TO
THEM?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST -- RIGHT?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST UNTIE THEM
AND LET THEM RUN OFF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT?
BECAUSE THEY'VE BECOME A DRAIN
TO US.
AND OUR FINANCES.
AND JUST A BURDEN TO US.
>> I DON'T KNOW HER, I DON'T
KNOW HER.
>> DO YOU WANT ME TO UNTIE YOUR
DOGS AND LET THEM RUN AWAY?
>> I DON'T KNOW YOU.
>> YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
>> I DON'T KNOW YOU.
>> HE SAID, TAKE THEIR COLLARS
OFF SO THEY CAN'T BE BROUGHT
BACK TO US.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT, SO
PLEASE ATTEND TO YOUR DOGS.
>> OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL -- DUTY
CALLS.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I JUST REALLY
WANTED TO REPAY YOUR KINDNESS.
>> OH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WAIT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> LENDING A HELPING HAND IS THE REAL CHRISTMAS GIFT. ¶¶
¶¶ >> THANK YOU.
>> YO, WHAT'S UP, LITTLE MAN?
YOU DID A SNOWMAN?
THAT'S COOL, BRO.
GIVE ME SOME.
PSYCH, BOY!
LOSER!
¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OHIO, WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
SOMEBODY HELP ME!
OH, MY GOD.
COME ON!
YO!
[ LAUGHTER ]
¶¶
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
¶¶ ¶¶ >> "A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR
NEXT SNOWBALL FIGHT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, BUDDY, WHAT YOU GOT
THERE?
OH, IS THAT A NERF?
WOW, THIS IS HEAVY -- JESUS!
IT'S A REAL GUN!
WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JUST
HERE.
>> GO INSIDE, TEDDY, PLEASE.
>> HI, LOIS.
>> HI!
>> CAN I HELP YOU?
>> WE'RE HERE FOR TEDDY.
>> WE WERE TOLD TO MAKE HIM FEEL
SPECIAL.
>> I THINK THERE'S BEEN SOME
SORT OF MISTAKE.
TEDDY IS MY 12-YEAR-OLD SON.
>> WHAT?
>> OH.
NO.
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
>> BUT -- BUT -- BUT -- BUT --
WHY WE CLOSING THE DOOR ON THESE
BEAUTIFUL LADIES WHEN WE STILL
GOT SOME BUSINESS TO CONDUCT,
JACK?
>> UH -- OF COURSE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CASH I
HAVE ON ME.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE CAN HEAT THE ATM UP.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M GOING
TO DRIVE, HOW ABOUT THAT?
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE?
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?
>> IS THAT YOUR MOTHER?
HI!
¶¶ ¶¶ >> OFFICER, HI.
>> SORRY TO DISTURB YOU.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW YOUR NEIGHBOR FROM
ACROSS THE STREET?
>> NO, WE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW
HER.
WHY, WHAT HAPPENED?
DID SHE PASS AWAY?
>> NO, HER MOTHER DID, THOUGH.
SIX YEARS AGO.
WE JUST FOUND HER BODY
DECOMPOSED INTO THE COUCH.
>> JESUS.
>> WE STILL THINK THE SICKO IS
IN THE AREA, SO IF YOU SEE HER,
GIVE US A CALL IMMEDIATELY.
OH, NICE SNOWMAN, BY THE WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OFFICER, I SAW HER.
>> REALLY?
>> SHE WENT THAT WAY.
>> SUSPECT SEEN HEADING
EASTBOUND TOWARDS MAPLE.
¶¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> HI. DONNA, I WAS TOLD TO COME FIND YOU GUYS, PEOPLE?
>> YES, HAVE A SEAT, DONNA,
RIGHT HERE.
>> A LOT NICER THAN THE INSIDE
OF MY TRUCK.
>> YES.
IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
DONNA, I'M CAROL SHAW.
>> HI, CAROL.
>> THIS IS ED BURKE.
>> YES.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> GREAT, ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE HERE FROM U.P.S. PERSONNEL
MANAGEMENT.
WE RECEIVED SOME COMPLAINTS FROM
A CUSTOMER ON YOUR ROUTE.
>> NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
Y'ALL TAKE CARE.
>> NO!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DONNA, DON'T GET UP.
>> DONNA --
>> WE'RE NOT DONE, WE'LL TELL
YOU WHEN WE'RE DONE, HAVE A
SEAT.
THE CUSTOMER PROVIDED VIDEO
EVIDENCE FROM THEIR DOORBELL
CAMERA THAT WE WOULD LIKE TO
SHARE WITH YOU, OKAY?
SO JUST LOOK RIGHT HERE, DONNA.
>> STUPID RICH PEOPLE AND YOUR
PAVERS.
IS THAT YOUR PORCH?
>> ALL RIGHT.
DO YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THAT,
DONNA?
>> YOU KNOW -- I'LL BE HONEST.
I WAS ABOUT TO USE MY OLD
STANDBY TRICK AND PRETEND TO
FAINT.
BUT I WON'T.
I'M GOING TO OWN MY MISTAKE.
I MESSED UP, AND I'M SORRY, IT
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, AND YAW ALL
TAKE CARE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, DONNA.
COME BACK.
COME PACK.
BECAUSE IT DID HAPPEN AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
>> IT'S VERY POSSIBLE.
A FEW DAYS LATER, AT THE SAME
HOME, AFTER PLACING A PACKAGE ON
THEIR DOORSTEP -- YOU DID THIS.
>> PEOPLE!
BOOM!
OH, IT'S CASHMERE, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW'S THAT?
>> DONNA.
>> NO, NO --
>> WE KNOW --
>> DONNA.
>> STOP PRETENDING TO FAINT.
>> STOP PUSHING YOURSELF OUT THE
DOOR.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DONNA?
IF YOU FAINTED, HOW CAN YOU DO
THAT, DONNA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME BACK, COME BACK.
DONNA!
>> DONNA, COME ON.
>> DONNA!
DON'T GO OUT THE DOOR, DONNA.
COME BACK.
COME ON.
>> I JUST UNFAINTED.
>> YOU DIDN'T FAINT, YOU DIDN'T
FAINT.
>> DONNA, THIS IS SERIOUS.
YOU BROKE THE LAW.
>> BROKE THE LAW?
COME ED -- COME ON, SHE SHOULD
GO OUTSIDE, SHE'S NEVER GOOD AT
THIS.
>> I'M NOT GOING OUTSIDE, DONNA.
ACTUALLY, I'M ED'S SUPERIOR.
AND YOU BROKE A FEW LAWS,
ACTUALLY.
BECAUSE YOU CAME BACK LATER, AND
YOU WERE QUITE BUSY.
>> WORKING.
>> LOOK.
DUMPING OUT THE TRASH, I'M
RECYCLING.
>> YOU'RE NOT RECYCLING.
DESTROYED A GARDEN POT.
YOU PUT A LIVE BAT IN THEIR
HOUSE.
>> THAT WAS A BAT RESCUE, I
RESCUED THAT BAT.
>> IT WAS NOT A BAT RESCUE.
>> IT WAS A BAT RESCUE.
LOOK, YOU KNOW -- IT WAS AWHILE
AGO, OKAY?
IT'S OUT OF MY SYSTEM NOW.
AND I'VE MOVED ON.
>> OH, OKAY.
WELL, THIS VIDEO IS FROM
YESTERDAY.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
I MEAN, COME ON, DONNA.
>> I COULD BE DOING ANYTHING.
>> NO.
>> IT'S NOT MY FAULT, OKAY?
I'M A HUMAN BEING, I HAD TO GO,
AND I COULDN'T HOLD IT.
>> DONNA, YOU SQUATTED FOR 45
MINUTES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU WANT TO SEE THIS DONNA?
LOOK AT THAT.
>> YOU SHOULDN'T SHAME PEOPLE
WITH UTIs.
>> LOOK AT THIS.
YOU STAYED THERE TILL THE
NIGHTTIME, DONNA.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, A.I. AND
STUFF, DEEP FAKES.
YOU CAN'T TRUST THAT VIDEO.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN WRITING?
I'D LIKE TO SEE THE COMPLAINT IN
THE FLESH.
>> THIS IS A SWORN STATEMENT,
AND IT IS NOTARIZED BY THE
POLICE.
>> IS THIS THE OFFICIAL
STATEMENT?
>> YES.
>> DONNA, NO.
>> DONNA --
>> DONNA, STOP.
DONNA, STOP.
>> COME BACK.
>> GIVE ME THAT.
>> DON'T THAT, DONNA, GIVE ME
THE PAPER, DONNA.
GIVE ME THE PAPER, DONNA.
>> SPIT IT OUT.
>> DONNA, B AN ADULT, DONNA.
DONNA --
>> SPIT IT OUT.
>> DONNA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DONNA?
>> OH, DONNA.
SPIT IT OUT.
>> COME ON, DONNA.
THAT WAS OBSCENE, DONNA.
>> SO THAT'S IT, RIGHT?
THAT'S IT FOR ME, YOU'RE GOING
TO FIRE ME AFTER I'VE GIVEN THIS
COMPANY THE BEST 17 DAYS OF MY
LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DONNA, YOU SHOWED NO REMORSE
FOR DESTROYED PROPERTY AND
DISPLAYED AN OPEN DISDAIN FOR
CUSTOMERS, OKAY?
YOU DO NOT BELONG IN A U.P.S.
TRUCK.
>> WELL, THEN WHERE DO I BELONG?
>> THE UNITED STATES POSTAL
SERVICE, NOW HIRING FOR THE
HOLIDAYS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DIJON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
¶¶
¶ MOVING HIGH HIGHER
KEEP IT MOVING HIGH
HIGHER ¶
¶ OHH OHH OHH ¶
¶ GOTTA SAY GOTTA SAY
WATCHING YOU BLOW UP
PATTERN MADE PATTERN MADE ¶
¶ KICK YA HEEL ON UP
'CAUSE YOU IS A SHOO-IN
SAID YOU ARE NOT TIMID
GET YOUR HANDS ON UP ¶
¶ MAKE IT LOOK EASY ¶
IT'S TEE-BALL NOW
SO JUST TEE IT ON UP ¶
¶ AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE
IT'S CHEATING
CH-CH-CH-CHEATING ¶
¶ WELL IT'S SO EASY
LIKE A FROWN DOWN UP
OR A GALLOP ¶
¶ JUST STAY IN MY VIEW
MY LOVE
'CAUSE YOU BRING IT ALL
HIGHER ¶
¶ TURN IT IN AND WATCH IT ALL
PILE UP ¶
¶ IT'S A GALLON STACKING
STACKING ON YOU ONE TIME ¶
¶ SO YOU BRING THE LOVE
HIGHER ¶
¶ EASY
THAT'S TWO TIMES ¶
¶ IT'S HEALING ME
'CAUSE THIS IS A LOVE
HIGHER ¶
¶ WELL IT'S A MIRACLE
YOU KNOW MY LOVE ¶
¶ AIN'T IT OBVIOUS
HA
HE GETS UP
I'LL TAP RIGHT IN ¶
¶ SO SOMEBODY ELSE
GETS TIRED
WELL WHO WAS RUNNING
LIKE A STALLION ¶
¶ GIDDY UP
LIKE EEH
AND HAD A HEART
LIKE A VAULT MY LOVE ¶
¶ BUT LOOK WHO GETS THE KEYS
HIGHER ¶
¶ AND OH BABY
I KNOW MY LIFE
IT COULD KILL ME ¶
¶ AND IT'S THE THIRST
THAT'S DOING MY ASS
BUT WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE
IT'S EASY ¶
¶ SEE I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TIE
MY TIES TIGHT
AROUND MY NECK ¶
¶ AND DOUBLE LOVE IT
WHEN YOU'RE ALL DOLLED UP
YOU'LL GET IT BAD
HIGHER ¶
¶ WELL THAT'S UH
WELL THAT'S UH
I WANT TO SAY WHAT
GETS YOU ALL TURNED OUT ¶
¶ IS THAT TOO MUCH
JUST TOUCH AND TEASE
AND LET IT ALL WORK OUT
'TIL YOU RING THE BELL ¶
¶ HIGHER
I GOTTA TELL YOU
THAT I OWE MY LOVE
SEE THAT'S OBVIOUS ¶
¶ AND YOU'LL BE PROUD
OF HOW IT ALL TURNS OUT ¶
¶ HONEY
WE ARE THE BAND
HIGHER ¶
¶ SHOWING UP ON DOORWAY
HONEY ¶
¶ COULD THAT BE BAD
HIGHER
HIGHER ¶
¶ THERE'S SOMEONE KNOCKIN'
ON THE DOORWAY ¶
¶ COULD THAT BE BAD
HIGHER
HIGHER ¶
¶ WELL THAT'S EASY
IT'S TWO TIMES
STILL HEALING ME ¶
¶ 'CAUSE THIS IS A LOVE
HIGHER ¶
¶¶
¶ YEAH
THIS IS A LOVE HIGHER ¶
¶¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP, PRESIDENT
TRUMP HAS NOT YET WON THE NOBEL
PEACE PRIZE.
BUT THIS WEEK, HE DID WIN THE
EQUALLY PRESTIGIOUS SOCCER PEACE
PRIZE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AT YESTERDAY'S WORLD CUP DRAW,
FIFA ACTUALLY INVENTED A FAKE
PEACE PRIZE IN TRUMP'S HONOR.
AND THAT'S WHY THE TROPHY SHOWS
TRUMP'S GNARLED HANDS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
DRAGGING THE ENTIRE EARTH INTO
HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE WORLD CUP DRAW WAS HELD
FRIDAY, AND TEAM USA WILL FIRST
FACE PARAGUAY.
THE U.S. TEAM IS HEAVILY FAVORED
TO BEAT PARAGUAY WITH THE HELP
OF THEIR STAR PLAYERS, I.C.E.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>>> MONDAY NIGHT, PRESIDENT
TRUMP MADE HUNDREDS OF POSTS ON
TRUTH SOCIAL, INCLUDING
CONSPIRACY THEORIES, ATTACKS ON
DEMOCRATS, AND EVEN A VIDEO OF
HIS CAMEO IN "HOME ALONE 2"
WHICH I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A WHILE,
AND I HAVE TO SAY, THE DIALOGUE,
IT HITS DIFFERENT NOW, CHECK IT
OUT.
>> EXCUSE ME.
WHERE'S JEFFREY EPSTEIN?
>> DOWN THE HALL AND DO THE
LEFT.
>> THANKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WAS THERE ALL ALONG.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WILL
SOON RELEASE THE RESULTS OF HIS
MRI TEST FROM OCTOBER.
HE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE MORE TIME
TO WRITE "OF GENIUS" AFTER THE
WORD "STROKE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE PUBLISHER OF THE BELOVED
CHILDREN'S BOOK "FRANKLIN THE
TURTLE" CONDEMNED PETE HEGSETH
FOR USING THE CHARACTER IN A
POST ABOUT DRUG BOAT ATTACKS.
WORSE, IF YOU ZOOM IN, YOU'LL
SEE FRANKLIN IS SHOOTING AT
DORA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> HOUSE DEMOCRATS THIS WEEK
RELEASED PICTURES OF JEFFREY
EPSTEIN'S PRIVATE ISLAND HOME,
AND HONESTLY, IT'S NOT AS NICE
AS I REMEMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK DEFINITELY THE CRAZIEST
DETAIL IN THESE PHOTOS IS THERE
WAS ONE ROOM WITH JUST A
DENTIST'S CHAIR IN IT.
WHICH SEEMS VERY WEIRD, BUT KEEP
IN MIND, A LOT OF HIS
GIRLFRIENDS STILL HAD BRACES.
[ MOANS ]
OH, YOU THINK THE VICTIMS SHOULD
HAVE CROOKED TEETH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT?
>>> HEAD OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
KRISTI NOEM, SEEN HERE WATCHING
THE END OF "MARLEY & ME" --
[ LAUGHTER ]
KRISTI NOEM CELEBRATED HER
BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK AT A MEXICAN
RESTAURANT WHERE SHE ENJOYED HER
FAVORITE FOOD -- LINE-COOKED
SPIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP HAS
UNVEILED THE THEME OF THIS
YEAR'S WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS
DECORATIONS, JACKHAMMERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> REPUBLICAN WOMEN ARE
PRIVATELY BLAMING SPEAKER MIKE
JOHNSON FOR NO WOMEN BEING
ELECTED CHAIRS OF HOUSE
COMMITTEES.
BUT JOHNSON CLAIMS HE'S JUST
FOLLOWING LEGAL PRECEDENT SET IN
THE LANDMARK CASE OF BROS V.
HOS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED FRIDAY
NETFLIX IS BUYING WARNER
BROTHERS DISCOVERY FOR $82
BILLION, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY
NETFLIX JUST RAISED ITS MONTHLY
PLAN TO $50 MILLION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> OFFICIALS HAVE FOR THE FIRST
TIME APPROVED BUILDING CASINOS
IN NEW YORK CITY, INCLUDING ONE
IN THE BRONX.
LET'S BE HONEST, EVER REVISIT TO
THE BRONX IS A GAMBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GLAD YOU SAID IT.
>>> STUDIES SHOW --
[ LAUGHTER ]
STUDIES SHOW A SHORT TRIP TO A
WARMER CLIMATE CAN HELP FEND OFF
SEASONAL DEPRESSION.
HERE TO GIVE HIS TRIP CALL
TRAVEL TIPS IS LANCE, A REDHEAD
WHO JUST WENT ON VACATION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHOA!
>> HELLO, COLIN, HOW ARE YOU, MY
FRIEND?
OR AS THE LOCALS WOULD SAY, WAG
WAN.
OH, OH!
>> OH, MY GOD, LANCE.
I THINK YOU GOT A LITTLE
SUNBURNED ON YOUR TRIP.
>> GOOD EYE.
I DID GET A LITTLE KISS OF
COLOR.
AND THAT COLOR IS, OF COURSE,
HELL RED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FUN FACT.
I'M THE SAME SHADE AS A DOG'S
ERECT MEMBER.
>> OH.
THANKS.
THAT'S A GREAT VISUAL.
SO LANCE, DO YOU HAVE ANY TRAVEL
TIPS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?
>> TO SHARE, I DO.
FROM PUNTA CANA ALL THE WAY TO
BORA BORA, SEVERAL PLACES ARE
THE BEACH.
BUT WHEN THINKING OF THE THING
THAT FILLS YOUR SUITCASE,
PERHAPS CONSIDER A BOTTLE OF
THAT WHITE LOTION WE SO LOVE TO
LOATH.
I NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, SHOULD WE BE WORRIED?
SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE SUN
POISONING.
>> OH, COME ON, I DEFINITELY DO.
TRUST ME, BROTHER, I'M FEELING
110.
>> PERCENT?
>> DEGREES.
¶¶
>> WOW.
THE DANCING IS GOOD.
>> IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, IT'S IMPRESSIVE.
>> HEY, LOOK.
NOW I HAVE A NEW PARTY TRICK.
CHECK THIS OUT.
THIS IS A FULLY FROZEN TV
DINNER.
READY?
FULLY COOKED.
>> WOW.
THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
LET'S JUST KEEP IT ON TRACK.
WHERE'D YOU GO ON VACATION?
JAMAICA? >> CLOSE, MAN.
IT WAS IRELAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HOW DID YOU GET THAT
SUNBURNED IN IRELAND?
>> DUDE.
THAT'S THE CRAZY PART.
I GOT IT ON THE PLANE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I FELL ASLEEP WITH MY OVERHEAD
READING LIGHT ON.
>> STOP.
STOP DOING THAT.
>> I'M SORRY.
LOOK, IF YOU THINK MY FACE IS
BAD, MY BODY GOT IT EVEN WORSE.
>> OH, MY GOD!
WHY WERE YOU WEARING A BIKINI
TOP?
>> BECAUSE USUALLY I'M TOO SHY
ABOUT MY BODY, BUT I FINALLY
WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO WEAR A
TWO-PIECE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, BODY IS
TEA --
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> YOU WERE SAYING -- LOOK,
LANCE.
I'M REALLY STARTING TO GET
CONCERNED.
>> ABOUT YOUR TAN?
AS YOU SHOULD BE, MAN.
YOU LOOK WHITER THAN THE HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE NOT EVEN MAKING SENSE.
>> THEN I'LL DO THE ONLY THING
LEFT THAT DOES MAKE ANY SENSE.
BRING OUT AN ALL-REDHEADED
CHILDREN'S CHOIR.
THE GINGER SINGERS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
>> THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, GET THE
GINGER IN YOUR LIFE WHAT THEY
TRULY NEED, LOVE.
AND SOME DAMN SUNSCREEN.
OH, OH, OH!
>> A REDHEAD WHO JUST WENT ON A
VACATION, EVERYONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I LOVE YOU FOR REAL.
>> GET OUT.
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
>>> 7-ELEVEN IS NOW SELLING THE
POPULAR JAPANESE-STYLE EGG SALAD
SANDWICH, WHICH IS JUST A
REGULAR EGG SALAD SANDWICH WITH
VERY STRICT PARENTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT THE
BEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY FOR
RETIREES IS ORLANDO, FLORIDA.
WHILE THE WORST CITY FOR
RETIREES IS SLIPPERY BATHTUB,
WISCONSIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF STUDIES
SHOW THAT WATCHING SHORT-FORM
VIDEOS CAN LEAD TO MENTAL
COGNITION PROBLEMS.
SO IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS ON
TIKTOK, DERP! [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> TODAY MARKS THE 141st
ANNIVERSARY OF THE COMPLETION OF
THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
WHICH WAS FINALLY FINISHED WHEN
THEY CUT OFF THE FORESKIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU GET IT?
>> DO YOU GET IT?
WHAT A THINKER.
>>> COLUMBIA SPORTSWEAR HAS
INTRODUCED A NEW LINE OF STAR
WARS-BASED RAIN PONCHOS LIKE THE
ONES WORN BY THE REBELS IN
"RETURN OF THE JEDI."
GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU AND ALL
WOMEN DRY AS HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I LIKE THAT ONE.
>>> A NEW TRAIN SIMULATOR VIDEO
GAME HAS LAUNCHED THAT LETS
PLAYERS OPERATE A NEW JERSEY
TRANSIT TRAIN UNDER REALISTIC
CONDITIONS.
CONDITIONS LIKE TRANSPORTING
THOUSANDS OF IDIOTS TO NEW YORK
TO STARE AT A GODDAMN TREE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
>>> THIS WEEK, A RACCOON WENT
VIRAL AFTER IT BROKE INTO A
LIQUOR STORE IN VIRGINIA,
SMASHED OPEN BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL,
GOT DRUNK, AND PASSED OUT IN THE
BATHROOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE TO EXPLAIN THEIR ACTIONS IS
THAT DRUNK RACCOON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, GOD, COLIN.
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
DID WE HOOK UP?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, WE DIDN'T HOOK UP, NO.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> YES.
>> WE COULD DO IT RIGHT NOW.
HEY, HEY!
YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, COLIN?
>> GOOD GOD.
OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> I'M OKAY, I'M OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> STOP, RELAX.
I THINK YOU HAVE A SERIOUS
DRINKING PROBLEM.
>> YEAH, THE PROBLEM BEING, I
CAN'T GET DRUNK IN A BATHROOM
WITHOUT PEOPLE TAKING PICTURES
OF ME FACE-DOWN, ASS-UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, COLIN.
DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.
WHORE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO!
NO, NO, NO.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, DRUNK
RAC, YOU'RE ON TV.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
YOU NEVER SEE POSITIVE
REPRESENTATION, HEY.
POSITIVE REPRESENTATIONS OF
RACCOONS IN THE MEDIA.
THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE OF US
ON A SCREEN IS US IN A RING
CAMERA LIKE THIS.
>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
THERE'S POSITIVE
REPRESENTATION -- I MEAN,
DOESN'T BRADLEY COOPER PLAY A
RACCOON IN "GUARDIANS OF THE
GALAXY"?
>> I DON'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN
IT, I'M NOT A VIRGIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COLIN, I THINK IT'S COOL THAT
YOU KNOW STUFF LIKE THAT.
I'M STARVING, SHOULD WE DOORDASH
SOMETHING?
LIKE TIN CANS OR APPLE CORES?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD THAT YOU
WOULDN'T THINK WAS GOOD?
POOP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S DISGUSTING.
>> QUIET, PIGGY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU OKAY?
>> SORRY.
FALSE ALARM.
CAME OUT THE OTHER END.
HEY, YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?
>> WAIT, THOSE ARE MY JOKES.
I THOUGHT RACCOONS ONLY ATE
TRASH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> EXACTLY.
>> OKAY.
>> EXACTLY.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY MEAN.
>> LISTEN, FAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW HOW DISGUSTING YOU THINK
WE RACCOONS ARE.
WE HEAR WHAT YOU CALL US.
TRASH PANDAS.
DUMPSTER DOGS.
THE SARAH SHERMANS OF THE
FOREST.
>> COME ON, YOU'RE NOT NEARLY AS
HAIRY AS SARAH SHERMAN.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
LISTEN, I REALLY HOPE YOU GET
THE HELP YOU NEED, AND I HOPE I
DON'T GET RABIES.
>> RABIES?
I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING, I'M
KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.
RABIES IS THE LAST THING YOU
NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING FROM
ME.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COLIN.
LET'S GO BACK TO MY DUMPSTER,
AND I'LL RIDE YOUR HEAD LIKE A
DAVY CROCKETT HAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE DRUNK RACCOON, EVERYONE!
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN
JOST.
>> I
>>> OKAY, LUCY, THE KID PARTY IS UPSTAIRS. YOU CAN HEAD UP THERE WITH YOUR
SLEEPING BAG.
UNLESS YOU'D RATHER HANG WITH
THE MOMS.
>> OKAY.
THANKS, MRS. CONNELLY.
>> AWW!
>> AWW, SO CUTE!
>> SHE'S GREAT.
WELL, CHEERS, GALS, SO GOOD TO
HANG WITH YOU.
I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY THESE
SNACKS.
>> OKAY.
>> SO WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK THE
GIRLS ARE GETTING UP TO
UPSTAIRS?
>> I BET THEY'RE PLAYING "TRUTH
OR DARE."
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
GET THIS.
I HAVE NEVER PLAYED "TRUTH OR
DARE."
>> NEVER?
>> REALLY?
>> OH.
>> ME EITHER.
>> HERE'S AN IDEA, HOW ABOUT WE
PLAY RIGHT NOW?
>> OH, MY GOSH!
>> YES!
>> I'LL START, I'LL START.
CHRIS.
TRUTH OR DARE?
>> OH, GOSH, TRUTH.
>> HOW WAS YOUR THANKSGIVING?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, IT WAS LOVELY.
>> OH, GREAT.
>> THAT'S GREAT.
>> I'LL DO ONE.
ANN, TRUTH OR DARE?
>> TRUTH.
>> HOW DO YOU LIKE DRIVING YOUR
TOYOTA TACOMA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GREAT FOR COSTCO RUNS.
>> I LOVE THAT.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> OKAY, MY TURN, CHRIS.
TRUTH OR DARE?
>> TRUTH.
I COULDN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.
>> IS THIS DIP MAYONNAISE OR
YOGURT?
>> IT'S BOTH.
>> OH!
>> I KNOW, I KNOW.
I'LL GO.
PATRICIA, TRUTH OR DARE?
>> TRUTH.
ACTUALLY, DARE.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM AND KISS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WOULD.
>> OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, OKAY.
WE'RE DOING IT.
WELL, I GOT TO SAY, I THINK THIS
GAME IS INTERESTING AND FUN.
>> YEAH.
I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.
>> LOOK AT THAT, THEY'RE COMING
BACK.
>> OH.
>> HOW WAS YOUR DARE?
>> IT WAS NICE.
>> OH, THAT WAS NICE.
>> OKAY, LET'S KEEP GOING.
SUSAN, TRUTH OR DARE?
>> TRUTH.
>> OKAY, WHY DOES YOUR HUSBAND
GO BY THE NICKNAME KIP?
>> HE WON'T TELL ME.
>> OH-OH.
>> ANN, TRUTH OR DARE?
>> TRUTH.
>> HOW GREAT WAS "WICKED FOR
GOOD"?
>> AMAZING.
>> OH, COME ON.
>> I'LL GO.
TRUTH OR DARE?
>> DARE.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO INTO THE
PANTRY AND REVEAL OUR BREASTS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES.
>> THIS GAME IS FASCINATING.
>> I'M LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT
EVERYBODY.
>> ME TOO.
>> I TOTALLY AGREE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE NEVER
PLAYED BEFORE.
>> I KNOW.
WE'RE PRETTY GOOD AT IT.
>> ARE WE KEEPING SCORE?
>> OH, NO, I THINK EVERYBODY
WINS.
>> FREE FLOW.
OH, THEY'RE BACK.
>> HOW'D IT GO?
>> OH, IT WAS OKAY.
>> NICE.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
>> CHRIS, TRUTH OR DARE?
>> TRUTH.
>> HOW DO YOU SEND A PHOTO IN A
TEXT?
>> I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.
I JUST DON'T THINK YOU CAN.
>> I CAN'T DO IT.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S KEEP THIS
GOING.
PATRICIA, WHAT TIME IS IT?
>> 7:15.
>> THANK YOU.
>> OKAY, ANN.
DARE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO IN THE COAT
ROOM AND SIT ON MY HAND?
>> I'D LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
>> WHAT ARE THESE?
>> OH, I'VE NEVER HAD THAT.
>> YES.
OH, HOW WAS YOUR DARE?
>> OH, 10 OUT OF 10.
>> WE'RE COVERING A LOT OF
GROUND.
DO PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY NEED A
BREAK?
>> NO, HELL NO.
>> PATRICIA.
>> TRUTH.
>> WHAT'S YOUR SPOTIFY AGE?
>> 210.
>> OKAY, AND SUSAN?
>> DARE.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO INTO THE
YARD AND CHOKE ME SEXUALLY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S A GOOD DARE.
>> WE SHOULD PLAY THIS AGAIN
TOMORROW, RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> CAN I BRING MY HUSBAND?
>> NO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> HA HA, OH, MY GOSH! OH, WOW. YOU GUYS, THIS HAS JUST BEEN
SUCH A LOVELY EVENING, I DON'T
WANT IT TO END.
>> ME EITHER.
>> YEAH, THIS HAS BEEN A
DELIGHT.
>> MARK AND I ALWAYS LOVE HAVING
YOU GUYS OVER.
>> YES!
IT'S BEEN AMAZING, YES!
GUYS!
ISN'T THAT CRAZY?
SHOULD WE DO THIS EVERY SUNDAY?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> THIS!
US!
EVERY SUNDAY.
RIGHT?
DINNER?
US?
SUNDAY SUPPER.
EVERY SUNDAY!
SUNDAY SUPPER, RIGHT?
LET'S DO IT EVERY WEEK.
SUNDAY SUPPER!
>> HA HA.
THAT WOULD BE NICE, BUT WE'D
HAVE TO GET A SITTER.
>> NO WAY, THOSE TEENS DRIVE A
HARD BARGAIN.
>> TOTALLY.
NO, TOTALLY, YEAH.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
>> YEAH.
PLUS WE USUALLY DO DINNER WITH
MY PARENTS ON SUNDAYS.
>> HOW ARE YOUR PARENTS?
>> RIGHT, TOTALLY.
YOU GOT TO DO THAT, YEAH.
JUST -- IT WOULDN'T WORK.
YEAH.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY.
I JUST GOT EXCITED ABOUT SUNDAY
SUPPER.
BUT YEAH, LIKE, IT WOULDN'T
WORK, RIGHT?
PEOPLE HAVE LIVES, MARK!
BLAH!
I'M SORRY.
SERIOUSLY, GUYS?
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S FINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS HE OKAY?
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE'S FINE, HE'S JUST -- YOU
KNOW, HE GETS HIMSELF WORKED UP
ABOUT SUNDAY SUPPER IS ALL.
>> WELL, HE SEEMED REALLY HEART
PRONE.
>> NO, HE'LL BE FINE.
HE'S A TOUGH LITTLE GUY.
>> I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I AM RUNNING AWAY.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING IS I'M
RUNNING AWAY, DENISE.
I'M RUNNING AWAY AND NEVER
COMING BACK.
BECAUSE I'M EMBARRASSED I GOT
TOO EXCITED ABOUT SUNDAY SUPPER.
AND NO ONE ELSE WANTED TO DO
SUNDAY SUPPER.
>> MARK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN
AWAY FOR THAT, MAN.
>> IT'S FINE, WE'RE ALL HAVING A
REALLY NICE TIME STILL.
>> YEAH, TONIGHT'S BEEN GREAT.
>> SO THEN WE'LL DO IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE'LL DO SUNDAY SUPPER?
>> I'M SORRY, WE CAN'T.
>> OH MARK!
>> NO, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
YOU'VE BEEN TOO ROUGH WITH YOUR
THINGS, MARK.
>> HEY.
DUDE.
WHAT DID YOU PACK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S EVERYTHING FROM HIS
DRESS-UP BOX.
>> YOU HAVE A DRESS-UP BOX?
>> IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S TO PLAY MAKE BELIEVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'VE NEVER SEEN MARK LIKE
THIS.
HAS HE EVER RUN AWAY BEFORE?
>> YEAH, LAST WEEK HE WAS
ORDERING PIZZA, AND HE SAID "I
LOVE YOU" TO THE GUY ON THE
PHONE, GOT EMBARRASSED, THAT
NITRIDE TO HOP A FREIGHT TRAIN.
HE GOT SCARED BECAUSE SOMEBODY
OFFERED HIM CRACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAYBE WE CAN DO IT A
DIFFERENT DAY.
>> CAN WE DO SATURDAY SUPPER?
>> OUR SON HAS BASKETBALL.
>> MARK, NO, MARK, NO.
>> MARK, MARK.
>> MARK, YOU KEEP A JUG OF
GASOLINE BEHIND YOUR COUCH?
>> MARK, STOP IT, STOP DRINKING
GASOLINE.
>> YEAH, MAYBE WE COULD DO
SOMETHING THAT'S LESS OF A
COMMITMENT.
>> HOW ABOUT BREAKFAST HERE
EVERY MORNING AT 6:00 A.M.?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOT MORE OF A COMMITMENT,
MARK.
>> MARK!
NO, MARK!
>> MARK, MARK!
>> STOP IT.
>> I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I GOT TO GO.
>> NO, MARK, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME,
COME ON.
¶¶
>> I DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD,
SUGAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I BELONG OUT THERE.
ON THE TRACKS.
>> WHERE WILL YOU GO?
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
>> I'LL BEFRIEND A LARGE, SIMPLE
MAN.
AND AT THE END OF THE STORY,
I'LL SHOOT HIM IN THE BACK OF
THE HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT WILL BE THE RIGHT THING
TO DO.
BECAUSE HE HAS RABIES.
>> I THINK YOU GOT YOUR
REFERENCES MIXED UP THERE, MARK.
>> I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
BUT NOW I GOT TO GO, BECAUSE I'M
EMBARRASSED I GOT TOO EXCITED
WITH SUNDAY SUPPER AND NOBODY
ELSE WANTED TO DO SUNDAY SUPPER.
GOOD-BYE.
>> WOW.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER SEE HIM
AGAIN?
>> I HOPE NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE HE IS A BURDEN ON MY
LIFE.
HE BELONGS OUT THERE, A FREE
SOUL ON THE TRACKS.
>> THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG WAS
OUTSIDE, AND I GOT SCARED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, DIJON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶ ¶¶ ¶ WHEN YOU'RE HOT
IT'S ON
ALREADY GOT ONE
LET'S KEEP GOING ¶
¶ HOWEVER YOU WANT IT
I'M YOURS
THAT'S ON TOP OR ALL FOURS
OOH HONEY YA NASTY ¶
¶ 'CAUSE BABY WE GOT
ALL WE NEED TO EXPAND
THIS COLLECTION
YOU MY BABY ¶
¶ AND BABY
YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME ¶
¶ YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION
SO GIMME ATTENTION
WHEN I'M AT ATTENTION ¶
¶¶
¶ ALL NIGHT
IT'S ALL YOU WANT ¶
¶ I MEAN WE TALK AND TALK
WE TALK AND TALK
IT AIN'T NO FUN
IT AIN'T NO FUN ¶
¶¶
¶ 'CAUSE BABY WE GOT
ALL WE NEED TO EXPAND
THIS COLLECTION ¶
¶ AND BABY
AND DANCE
'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BABY
BABY YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME ¶
¶ YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION
SO GIMME ATTENTION
WHEN I'M AT ATTENTION ¶
¶ ALL NIGHT
A LITTLE LOVE
AND AFFECTION
MY 'LIL MOTHER INVENTION ¶
¶ I MIGHT MAKE THE HUMAN
CONNECTION
A LITTLE
"U + ME" CONNECTION ¶
¶ LET'S MAKE A BABY
LET'S MAKE A BABY
I'M READY BABY
LET'S MAKE A BABY ¶
¶ WELL IT'S TIME
ALL WE NEED TO EXPAND
THIS COLLECTION
YOU LOOKING GOOD ¶
¶ AND BABY
YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME
YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION
SO GIMME ATTENTION ¶
¶ LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION
BABY
LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION
BABY ¶
¶ LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION
BABY
YEAH LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION
BABY ¶
¶ MAKE AN ADDITION BABY
LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION
BABY
YEAH MAKE AN ADDITION BABY ¶
¶ LET'S MAKE AN ADDITION BABY ¶¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶ ¶¶ >>> MY GORGEOUS NIECES, HAPPY
HOLIDAYS!
>> AUNT MARGE!
>> HELLO.
>> YOUR COUSINS ARE SO EXCITED
TO SEE YOU.
>> COUSIN TIME!
>> I LOVE COUSINS.
¶ I HANG WITH MY COUSINS FOR THE
HOLIDAY ¶
¶ MAKE YOU REPLAY ¶
¶ I'M WATCHING KITCHEN FIRE ON
THE TELLY ¶
¶ FEELING ALL RIGHT SIPPING
MARTINELLI ¶
¶ FIRST TIME SOMETHING OCCURRED
TO ME ¶
¶ THEY TELL ME EVERY TIME I SEE
THEM DON'T KNOW ¶
¶ AFTER THEY LEAVE WHERE DO
COUSINS GO ¶
>> BYE, DRIVE SAFE, YOU GUYS.
>> AND HAVE FUN AND --
>> WHERE DO COUSINS GO THE REST
OF THE YEAR?
>> UH --
¶ THEY GO TO THE COUSIN PLANET ¶
¶ WHERE EVERY COUSIN LIVES 360
DAYS A YEAR ¶
¶ THEY TAKE A ROCKET TO THE
COUSINLANET ¶
¶ EVERY DAY ON COUSIN PLANET IS
THE SAME ¶
¶ FIRST THING IN THE MORNING EAT
SOME LEFTOVER HAM ¶
¶ WALK BACKWARDS ON THE
TREADMILL IN PAJAMA PANTS ¶
¶ JAM FOR FIVE HOURS WEIRD NAP ¶
¶ TRY TO SMOKE WEED WITH OUR
COUSIN WHO IS COOL ¶
¶ GET KIND OF HUNGRY TRY TO WALK
THROUGH A DRIVE-THRU ¶
¶ DOESN'T WORK ¶
¶ A FAMILY SECRET IS REVEALED ¶
¶ GRANDPA HAD A MISTRESS ¶
¶ WHO'S THE MAYOR ¶
¶ I AM THE MAYOR OF COUSIN
PLANET ¶
¶ AND EVERY CONVERSATION IS
CATCHING UP ¶
¶ HEAR YE COUSINS LOOKING UP ¶
¶ AND SANTA CLAUS IS THE FIRST
COUSIN USE YOUR DISCRETION ¶
¶ A COUSIN IS A DAUGHTER A
COUSIN IS A SON OF THE UNCLE OF
YOU ¶
¶ A COUSIN IS FIRST TO SLEEP ON
THE COUCH ¶
¶ A COUSIN IS ME AND A COUSIN IS
YOU ¶
¶ ON THE COWS SIN PLANET COUSIN
PLANET ¶
¶ COUSIN LAND COUSIN LAND ¶
¶ GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR MASTER'S
AND WHATEVER YOU'RE STUDYING
IN ¶
¶ COUSIN PLANET COUSIN PLANET ¶
¶ IT'S A COUSIN PLANET ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶ ¶¶ >>> SEASON'S GREETINGS, FOLKS.
IF YOU'VE DRIVE ONWARBURTON
AVENUE IN YONKERS, YOU'VE
PROBABLY SEEN THIS GORGEOUS GLOW
COMING FROM THIS EXTRAORDINARY
DECORATED HOME.
HERE WITH ME IS THE COUPLE
RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE MAGIC.
IT'S CHRISTOPHER AND GUILLAME.
>> PUT IT DOWN, PUT IT DOWN
GUILLAME.
>> TELL US, WHAT DID IT TAKE TO
PUT TOGETHER THE BIGGEST
CHRISTMAS VILLAGE IN YONKERS?
>> I'M NOT FEELING THE CHRISTMAS
SPIRIT.
MAYBE I CATCH A SECOND WIND.
>> I WILL CATCH A WIND WHEN YOU
PASS GAS UNDER OUR DUVET.
>> GUILLAME.
>> THIS IS TRUE.
>> I'D LOVE TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR
FAVORITE ITEMS IN THE
COLLECTION.
>> FIRST WE HAVE OUR MINION
NATIVITY SCENE.
FA LA LA BANANA.
>> THEN WE HAVE ONE OF OUR FAVORITES.
WE HAVE, OH, MY GOSH, FASHION
JESUS.
HE DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR
SINS AND I AM DYING FOR THIS
LOOK.
>> NEXT WE HAVE A GINGERBREAD
APARTMENT BUILDING.
IT'S A FIVE-STORY WALK-UP.
>> THIS IS TWO BEDROOM, NO BATH.
WE'RE GINGERBREAD SLUMLORDS AND
WE JUST EJECTED A GINGERBREAD
IMMIGRANT FAMILY.
>> I'M SORRY --
>> WE'LL SHOW YOU THIS OTHER
ONE.
LOOK AT THIS, HAVE YOU SEEN MY
SNOW BABY?
>> LOOK, HOLD HIM RIGHT,
GUILLAME.
>> CRADLE HIM.
>> HOLD HIM, HIS BRAIN IS STILL
DEVELOPING.
>> SOMEONE'S BRAIN IS STILL
DEVELOPING.
>> GUILLAME RAN OVER A WOMAN AT
THE ARBY'S DRIVE-THRU YESTERDAY.
>> THAT IS NOT TRUE.
I LIGHTLY TAPPED HER WITH THE
BOTTOM OF MY CAR.
>> YOU TWO HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL
RAPPORT.
>> WE'VE GOT MORE.
>> GOT TO BE AN INTERESTING
STORY BEHIND HOW YOU MET TOO.
>> OH.
WELL, I GUESS.
WE MET ON SINGE, WHICH IS A
DATING APP FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE
BEEN BURNED BY PAST OR CURRENT
RELATIONSHIPS.
>> GUILLAME.
>> WELL.
>> AND WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING
GAY, BEING A GAY COUPLE IN THIS
TOWN?
>> GAY?
>> TOWN?
>> I AM A WOMAN.
>> AND YONKERS IS A VILLAGE.
>> COMING OUT OF NOWHERE.
>> COMING OUT OF NOWHERE, HOW
DARE YOU.
>> COMING OUT --
>> MY APOLOGIES.
>> EXPLAIN, WHAT AREA IS THIS
COMING OUT OF?
>> LET'S GET BACK TO YOUR
DISPLAY, HUH?
WHAT DID YOU START COLLECTING
CHRISTMAS DECOR?
>> IT'S NOT JUST CHRISTMAS.
YOU SKIPPED RIGHT OVER THE
MENORAH CORNER AND THE KWANZAA
QRANZALIER.
>> SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE AT THIS
HOUSE.
>> THAT REMINDS ME, SPEAKING OF
LITTLE, THIS IS A LIMITED
EDITION SNOW BABY TREE TOPPER.
>> AND THE FUN FACT, THE SNOW
BABY WAS PREEMIE, SO HE HAS THE
BENJAMIN BUTTON DISEASE.
>> YES, AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY
NOT LEAST, RUDOLPH EXPLORING
HIMSELF SEXUALLY.
>> ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> RUDOLPH WAN HOOK UP WITH A
THIRD, BUT I CAN'T?
>> WELL, FROM YONKERS, I'M
RIBBED CON-DOM.
YES, I KNOW PRODUCERS TOLD ME TO
STOP SAYING MY NAME, BUT MY
MOTHER NAMED ME, SO I'M GOING TO
SAY IT.
I'M RIBBED CON-DOM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU, DIJON, THANK YOU "SNL," THANK YOU!
I LOVE YOU.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
¶¶