1
00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:04,938
Are we ready to shoot?

2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:10,177
Oh. Yes, ma'am.
Everyone's here. Okay, good.

3
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,846
Because the midterm polling
is looking bleak.

4
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,782
And hopefully these ad spots
will get the base excited.

5
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,084
Well, hey, if these Republican

6
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:19,186
heavy hitters can't do it,
no one can.

7
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:21,255
Why don't we start off
with the secretary of state?

8
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:23,790
We're ready for you, Mr. Rubio.

9
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:26,193
Oh, please come
in, little Marco.

10
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:28,161
Oh, of course, of course.
You know,

11
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:30,664
we really need your help
with the Latino voters.

12
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:33,600
So whenever you're ready, sir.
Okay.

13
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,936
And action.

14
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,306
Hello. And Hola.

15
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:42,009
Midterm
elections are almost upon us.

16
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,578
I have a message for my fellow
Spanish speakers

17
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,414
about President Trump.

18
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:31,491
Oh, thank you and gracias.

19
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:35,862
Oh my gosh. Oh, wow.

20
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:39,232
I mean, I don't. Know what you
said, but that sounded great.

21
00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:41,501
My pleasure. Okay.

22
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:41,768
Okay.

23
00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:43,203
Now next
we have someone who will

24
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,905
really get the base excited.

25
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:49,343
Mr. Vice President, you rang?

26
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,645
Yes. Could you go in the
hall and get the next person?

27
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:56,183
Oh, You
don't want me to do one or.

28
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:59,386
Okay. Got it.

29
00:01:59,386 --> 00:01:59,653
Okay.

30
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,722
We need this next guy
to get the Reagan

31
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:05,859
Republicans out to the polls.
Okay. Oh, Senator.

32
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,961
Oh, great.

33
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:12,165
Thank you
for. Making the time. Okay.

34
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,266
All right.

35
00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:17,704
Now, whenever you're
ready, Senator.

36
00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:18,338
All right.

37
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:24,344
And action.

38
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:27,881
And action.

39
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,016
Anytime, sir.

40
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:34,388
And action.

41
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,422
Oh, okay.

42
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:40,560
Okay. Peace sign. Very cool.
And save a line.

43
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,929
LA from New York.

44
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:46,199
No no no. No no no no
not yet. Not yet.

45
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:49,002
Okay,
I think we thank you, Senator.

46
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:52,439
Thank you. Okay.

47
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,307
So I'd really like to do one.

48
00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:57,144
Yeah, I just don't see what
that would do.

49
00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:59,413
Hey, in two years,
I might be president.

50
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:05,118
So, I guess, I mean, okay.
All right, go ahead, Mr.

51
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:08,221
Vice President. Give it a shot.
Thank you. Sparkle, shine.

52
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,191
Hi. I'm J.D.

53
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:16,363
Vance. Haircut. Oh, hey. Hey,
we got it. Superstar. Nice.

54
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,397
Thank you.

55
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:19,332
Oh, this is not going to work.

56
00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:20,967
I mean, don't
we have anyone who can connect

57
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:24,938
with voters
and isn't a liability? No,

58
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:30,944
but you got me beat up and head
chef.

59
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,417
It's a lot.

60
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:40,454
Cut the track.

61
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,323
And everyone
calm down. It's Bureau.

62
00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:43,724
Okay.

63
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:49,062
Spider-Man's
new nonalcoholic beer.

64
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,932
What's up? Schlong? Donkeys?

65
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,366
Now listen up. Okay.

66
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:53,867
Because I need

67
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:59,873
all you patriots at home to do
the gayest thing ever in vogue.

68
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,375
Thanks to me,
the military finally has

69
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:06,980
its priorities
and sexuality straight.

70
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:11,618
Worriers
all have high testosterone.

71
00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:13,320
Yeah, I'm talking muscles.

72
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:19,326
Huge veins, throbbing,
balls gone.

73
00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,461
And we're religious now.

74
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:25,065
Yeah. I'm putting God back
in war, and it's working.

75
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:30,137
Our soldiers are praying
a lot more than they used to.

76
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:35,008
I'm always hearing them
say, Dear God, why?

77
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,677
And now finally show you
how tough I am.

78
00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:41,081
I'm going to do some weird slam
poetry for you.

79
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:47,053
Can I get some bongos?

80
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,323
No, we don't walk.

81
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:51,291
No, dear.

82
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,058
No going on?

83
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:57,531
God, no fatso, no goes, no
camel toes,

84
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,432
no weirdos, no beer toes.

85
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:03,737
No. Jill's who became Joe's.

86
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,740
In conclusion, vote, I guess.

87
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,208
And remember,
even if you're stationed

88
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,677
overseas,
you can still vote by mail,

89
00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:15,515
which is the only by mail I'm
cool with. Hey, check it out.

90
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:16,983
Okay.

91
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:21,521
I mean, that one,
weirdly might work.

92
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:25,625
I think we're done wrong.
Let me cook. Oh.

93
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,460
Okay. Sure, Mr. president,
go ahead.

94
00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:30,664
All right, I'm President Trump,
and I approve this ramble.

95
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,200
We're getting bored out there,

96
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,136
but not for long,
because I have a solution.

97
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:39,973
If the Republicans win,
I'll give everyone $5,000.

98
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,842
And that is not a bribe,
because I have no intention

99
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,377
of following
through on that promise.

100
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:47,948
So just
pretend I'm on the ballot, okay?

101
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,685
You have to use something called
imagination.

102
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,689
Imagination makes imagination.

103
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,992
Wow, that's pretty good.

104
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,361
I can already see that
written on the back of an obese

105
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:05,565
woman's booty shorts in dirty,
disgusting Myrtle Beach.

106
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,267
What a hell hole
this country is.

107
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:10,270
It's full of other people,
so I know it's hard,

108
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,606
but please
vote for Republicans, okay?

109
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:16,343
And yes, that includes Creepy
Ken Paxton down there in Texas.

110
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,845
God damn, I hate that guy.
Look at that.

111
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:22,148
I don't know why
I don't like him.

112
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:26,219
I do, actually, it's his.
I hate that I.

113
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,821
You can't say that guy
anything anymore,

114
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,990
but I can,
and I do all the time.

115
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,124
Remember this one?

116
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:34,427
Oh, right. Okay. Okay,
yeah I see. Oh, no.

117
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,863
What are you going to do? Well.
All right. Hi.

118
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,199
Well, Mr. President,
that was great.

119
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,101
And while we have you,
would you mind recording

120
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,236
a victory message
in case we win the midterms?

121
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,405
Of course we did it. We won.

122
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,774
Nobody
has ever won so much before.

123
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:49,676
Great.

124
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,544
And then can we get one
just in case we lose?

125
00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:53,113
Of course we did it.

126
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,080
We won.

127
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,148
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

128
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,751
"SATURDAY NIGHT!"

129
00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:03,256
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

130
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,192
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

131
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,909
musical guest.

132
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,978
Turnstile.

133
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:10,717
And your host, Dakota Johnson.

134
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:14,721
>> Announcer: LADIES AND

135
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,824
GENTLEMEN, DAKOTA JOHNSON!

136
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:25,398
♪♪

137
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:30,904
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

138
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,048
Thank you, thank you.

139
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:45,452
I am so excited
to be hosting tonight.

140
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:51,458
Especially because at the stroke
of midnight, it's my birthday.

141
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:56,162
And I'm doing what I always do
on my birthday,

142
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:58,798
which is stand in midtown
in a tight ass

143
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:03,536
latex dress,
looking for attention.

144
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,305
The last time I was here,
I was promoting

145
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:08,441
a movie called Madame Web.

146
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,978
Oh. Thank you.

147
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:15,782
And tonight,
I'm still promoting it

148
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,251
because the movie
hasn't made any money yet.

149
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,957
What else has happened
since last time I hosted?

150
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:29,395
Well, I went through
two very public, very,

151
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:35,401
lame break ups with two
very awesome musicians who.

152
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,239
Are looking for a third.

153
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:42,475
Hey, the Dakota.

154
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,677
Oh, Leon. Oh.

155
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:47,847
Thank you.
Okay, I'm just going to.

156
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:51,050
Sorry. I'm just. I'm sorry. I'm

157
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:54,120
sorry. I.

158
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,655
Thought about it.

159
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,058
I'm not going to talk about my
personal life and my monologue.

160
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:04,063
I'm here to talk about
my new movie, vanity.

161
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:09,702
And in the movie, Anne Hathaway
and I have a makeout scene,

162
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,538
and now she's pregnant.

163
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:15,642
So you do the math.

164
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:18,645
The movie is a psychosexual
erotic thriller.

165
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:22,815
And you know what?
So is dating musicians.

166
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:25,051
Some of them don't wear shoes.

167
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:28,788
Some of them are terrible
in bed,

168
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,423
but all of them are in my DMs.

169
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:33,993
It's not my fault, though.

170
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,995
Some people leave concerts
with merch,

171
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:40,967
and I leave concerts with a two
and a half year relationship.

172
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,902
But I have really good friends.

173
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,938
They don't judge me
for dating these men.

174
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:48,274
They're actually
really supportive.

175
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:59,385
Ladies and gentlemen,

176
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,855
my literal therapist's.

177
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:05,758
I'm not. I'm not your therapist.
Actually, you just.

178
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:07,460
You just show up
once a week at my house

179
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:11,064
with an empty bottle of wine
and asked if I want some.

180
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,632
Yeah, well, I have manners.

181
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,635
And then you flop on my couch
and overshare.

182
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:21,341
And every so often I just say,
damn, that's. That's crazy.

183
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:22,442
Is that not a therapist?

184
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,011
And then I go, well,
you know, it's getting late.

185
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,879
I should probably go
to bed. And.

186
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,782
And then you
say Sleepover Yay! And then

187
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,219
and then I give you a Pedialyte,
and my security drives

188
00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:35,021
you home.

189
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,356
Well, just quickly,

190
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,791
while we're on the subject of
musicians, I think actually, I'm

191
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:42,362
doing a public service
by dating them because, ladies,

192
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:47,700
I am saving you
a lot of money on Zoloft,

193
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:48,868
so you're welcome.

194
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:54,440
America.

195
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,509
And also England.

196
00:12:56,509 --> 00:13:03,316
And parts of Ireland
and Cleveland, who allegedly.

197
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,585
We have got a great show for you
tonight.

198
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:06,853
It's her birthday.

199
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:12,225
Turnstile is here
Stick around we█ll be
right back

200
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:33,046
Welcome back to Press Your Luck.

201
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:35,081
I'm Elizabeth Banks,

202
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:39,485
and I said yes to this job
while I was wine drunk.

203
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,020
We're about to go
to the big money board.

204
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:44,357
But first, let's meet
our excited contestants.

205
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,694
Hi, I'm Donald, I said the b
word on The Price is Right,

206
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:51,397
and I hope that doesn't happen
here.

207
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,066
Hello, I'm Lucas.

208
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:54,334
I have a beautiful wife,

209
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:58,905
a beautiful ex-wife,
and an ugly girlfriend.

210
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:03,076
I'm Sherri
and I'm on press. My luck.

211
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,845
You sure are, Sherri.

212
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,646
Okay, let's see.

213
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,147
Those prizes,

214
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:11,017
along with cash,
is a brand new Jeep

215
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:15,855
pottery classes with Seth Rogen
and Advil for life

216
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,523
But stay away from the whammy

217
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:21,260
because he will take away
all your money.

218
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,496
I. Hate him, I hate him.

219
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:27,834
Okay, let's get started.

220
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,269
I'm ready to play. Whoa!

221
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:34,640
Perfect. Donald, you're up first
with three spins.

222
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,043
Okay. Big money,
big money. Jeep Wrangler.

223
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:41,914
I want to drive it.
No whammy. And stop.

224
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:45,184
Oh. Right. $2,000.

225
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:48,354
You want to press your luck
and spin for more?

226
00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:50,890
No way. I'm scared of that
whammy, Elisabeth.

227
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,292
So I'm going to pass my spins.

228
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,128
Okay, we're
passing them over to Lucas.

229
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:59,365
Lucas? You're up. Okay, here
we go. Big money, big money.

230
00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:02,201
Okay, maybe a little money.
Any money?

231
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:06,272
Stop! Whoa! All right.

232
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:09,809
I'm going to keep that cash
and pass my spinach.

233
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:14,247
All right, Cherie,
the time has come. Yes.

234
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,750
You have seven spins.
Yes, Cherie.

235
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,587
All right. Big money. Big money.
No way. No whammy! Stop!

236
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,256
What? Oh, my.

237
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,525
Cherie, I've.
I've never seen this.

238
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,826
You want $1 million?

239
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:31,197
Oh, press my luck. No, Cherie.
What?

240
00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:32,899
What? Are you sure about that?

241
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:36,235
I've never been so sure
in my life. Press my luck.

242
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,104
Big money, big money.

243
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:38,971
No whammy, no whammy.

244
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:45,478
Stop! Oh!

245
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,913
Oh, cherie.

246
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:51,551
No! The whammy.
The whammy took your money.

247
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:55,655
That'll get it
back. Press my luck.

248
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:59,959
Big money, big money.
No way. We know. Whammy! Stop!

249
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,162
Yeah. Okay.

250
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,430
Cherie.

251
00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:06,899
I genuinely cannot believe
I'm saying this.

252
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:10,436
You won't win again.
Please do not.

253
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:13,339
Press my luck.

254
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:15,408
Cherie. No.

255
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,709
Do you know what just happened?

256
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,844
You remember what just happened?

257
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:20,947
You had $1 million
in the whammy. It.

258
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,515
What a dick.

259
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:27,386
Yes, exactly.
So what are you going to do?

260
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:30,056
I'm gonna press my luck.

261
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:34,861
Big money, big money.
No where. Me? No whammy. Stop!

262
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:35,561
What?

263
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:38,030
What? Oh, no, Cherie.

264
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:41,100
Not woo, not woo at all.

265
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:44,170
I'll fix it. Press my luck.

266
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,272
Big money, big money.
No way! Me no whammy! Stop!

267
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,348
Press my luck. Oh, no!

268
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,183
Listen, cherie, listen to me.

269
00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,052
Seriously.
You just won the most money

270
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:03,489
anyone has ever won on this
show.

271
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:04,724
Oh. No.

272
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,793
I don't know why you keep
winning or where we found you,

273
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:10,963
but I know exactly
what you're about to do.

274
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,966
No, you don't, because I'm
about to press my luck.

275
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,435
No! What is happening?

276
00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,238
You have to pass your friend.
Please know what I'm doing.

277
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:22,275
Hey, listen to. Me,
you big dummy.

278
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:26,445
Just walk away. Never.
We're trying to help you.

279
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:29,015
You could win $5 million.

280
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:33,486
I want the Advil.

281
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,222
You can buy the
I with $5 million.

282
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:39,458
It's too complicated.
It is so easy, you idiot!

283
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:40,426
Just buy it.

284
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,562
Where where. Where where?

285
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,664
I don't know, CVS,
you stupid bitch!

286
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:48,000
Okay, okay, okay. Let's see
what the audience thinks I look.

287
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,036
See? Should I press my luck?

288
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:57,543
Oh. You
heard them press my luck.

289
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:00,446
No, no, no.

290
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:05,217
We'll be right back.

291
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,329
Babe,
what do you want to eat tonight?

292
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,663
I'm good with anything.

293
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:20,333
Do you think I should get
a haircut? Sure, if you want to.

294
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,001
Which of these shirts
should I wear to dinner?

295
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,003
They're both so cute.

296
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:25,604
Has this ever happened to you?

297
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:27,206
Your nice, supportive girlfriend

298
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,608
won't
give you a straight answer.

299
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,577
And you're left
wondering how she really feels.

300
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:32,878
Well, not anymore.

301
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:36,983
Introducing.
Mean. Scary. Girlfriend.

302
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,651
Ready for dinner? Oh, good.

303
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,921
You look like a pedophile
on vacation.

304
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:44,390
Well, at least I'm on vacation.

305
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:47,026
Now change with me
and scary girlfriend.

306
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:49,462
You never have to wonder
what's on her mind.

307
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,497
You need to change your hair.
What?

308
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:55,701
You look like a campus recruiter
for Turning Point USA.

309
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:56,969
And that's good to know.

310
00:18:56,969 --> 00:19:00,606
She also comes preloaded
with catch phrases like.

311
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:05,077
No code change.
Call a car. We're leaving.

312
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:07,947
Do you have a lazy eye
before me? Scary girlfriend?

313
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,683
I wasn't 100%
sure I was balding,

314
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:14,787
but now I know I am.
You see, it's the corners.

315
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:17,923
Oh, you need to go to Turkey
while you still can.

316
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,092
And for some reason,
I mean, scary girlfriend

317
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,895
only wants to have sex
on the worst day of your life.

318
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:27,833
I'm just really gonna
miss my grandpa.

319
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,036
Wanna

320
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,371
Okay. Go shower.
Okay. You got it.

321
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,874
I haven't picked a TV
show in two years.

322
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:36,642
I don't even remember
what I like anymore.

323
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:37,443
And of course,

324
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:43,449
mean scary girlfriend
comes with a dog who hates you.

325
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,620
She even comes
with a series of insane

326
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:50,523
ex-boyfriends,
such as hot tattoo artist

327
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,293
Jack, the blue collar guy,
and randomly, Bobby Flay.

328
00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:56,829
Going to dinner with her
friends is like going to war.

329
00:19:56,829 --> 00:20:00,733
If war was a bunch of women and
one gay guy implying I'm poor.

330
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:04,203
Thank you. Oh,
you just paid with a debit card.

331
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,577
And if
you're still not sold, get this.

332
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,380
She also comes with a fiercely
protective best friend

333
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,948
who's addicted to cocaine.

334
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:16,849
I swear to God,

335
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,017
if you even think about
hurting her,

336
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:20,519
I will end your pathetic little.

337
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:24,924
Oh, my God, this is my song.

338
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:25,825
They're the kind of friends

339
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:31,997
where you look at them and
you know they've seen your pics.

340
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:34,166
But every six months,
when mean scary girlfriend

341
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,668
randomly says something nice.

342
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,771
It feels like God himself
is shining his light on you.

343
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:44,777
It's a good shirt.

344
00:20:50,616 --> 00:20:54,086
Oh, are you crying?

345
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:57,256
Pussy
Means scary, girlfriend.

346
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,058
Admit it. You want one?

347
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,169
Becca, how did surgery go today?

348
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:11,604
Oh, it was great.

349
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,072
I mean, the guy didn't make it,

350
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,473
but we seriously had
so much fun.

351
00:21:14,473 --> 00:21:17,777
Oh my God,
thank God you guys are here.

352
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:22,848
I just heard some insane gossip.
Gossip girl, Krista dolby.

353
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:25,651
Okay, so this stays between us
for real.

354
00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:30,022
But I heard Doctor. Silvey
and Doctor Mandy have been.

355
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:32,258
Hooking up. Oh, what?

356
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:35,761
But she's his boss. I know, and
it's been going on for months.

357
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:39,165
Okay, well,
I've got something even crazier.

358
00:21:39,165 --> 00:21:40,566
Go. Okay,

359
00:21:40,566 --> 00:21:45,638
so apparently Leslie from neuro
faked her maternity leave.

360
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:46,539
There was no baby.

361
00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:50,009
She just wanted two months
in Azerbaijan. Shut up.

362
00:21:50,009 --> 00:21:53,345
You've got to be kidding.
I'm saying.

363
00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:55,981
Well, I heard

364
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,683
Eric from Legal is going
through,

365
00:21:57,683 --> 00:21:59,852
like,
a really hard time right now.

366
00:22:01,787 --> 00:22:05,758
Aren't you, Eric from legal?

367
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:10,696
Yeah.

368
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:13,899
Well, I also heard that
that new pharmacist, Brian,

369
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:17,870
he's been selling Adderall
to his daughter's college.

370
00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:21,574
Yeah, not only that, but he's
also dating one of them.

371
00:22:21,574 --> 00:22:22,007
Yeah.

372
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:26,946
Not only that,
but Eric's wife is a lesbian.

373
00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:31,951
And when she told them he cried
so hard, he threw up in a bag.

374
00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:33,652
Eric,

375
00:22:33,652 --> 00:22:34,887
are you okay?

376
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:39,391
Oh, yeah.
Just got all the girls.

377
00:22:39,391 --> 00:22:41,860
Okay, well,
you know, I heard that

378
00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:43,863
Chris from ortho got promoted.

379
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:49,101
And I heard Eric's therapist
just called him pathetic.

380
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:53,172
Oh, Eric, this isn't gossip.

381
00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:56,208
You're just revealing
sad information about yourself.

382
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,677
Yeah, gossip is supposed to be
about other people.

383
00:22:58,677 --> 00:23:04,183
Like you work with Meghan,
right. Meghan? Oh, yeah.

384
00:23:04,183 --> 00:23:07,620
I have some piping hot
gossip about that girl. Okay.

385
00:23:08,854 --> 00:23:13,092
Well, apparently, last Thursday,
Meghan went to jail.

386
00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:18,097
Oh, no. What? Yeah,
to pick up Eric.

387
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:21,133
Apparently,
he was begging to be arrested.

388
00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:24,003
Oh, Eric. No, no.

389
00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:26,672
Okay, bitches,
I am a little teapot.

390
00:23:26,672 --> 00:23:30,009
So tip me over,
because I need to spell

391
00:23:30,009 --> 00:23:31,777
Jermaine. Yes.

392
00:23:31,777 --> 00:23:34,747
Jermaine always
has the healthiest gossip.

393
00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:38,083
And today's is a full serving
of filthy with a side of nasty.

394
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:38,784
Okay.

395
00:23:38,884 --> 00:23:40,786
You know Steve and Emily,
that cute

396
00:23:40,786 --> 00:23:42,721
little couple
that runs the cafe downstairs.

397
00:23:42,721 --> 00:23:44,590
Well they just got the 23
in me back

398
00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:47,760
and it turns out they are full
on brother and sister.

399
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,028
Oh my God.

400
00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:51,797
Oh my God.
And they were triplets.

401
00:23:51,797 --> 00:23:55,868
And the third one.
See you. An al-Qaida. Al-Qaida?

402
00:23:55,868 --> 00:23:58,971
No. You know what
y'all got for Jermaine?

403
00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:02,741
Okay, well, I heard Eric from
legal has an AI girlfriend.

404
00:24:02,741 --> 00:24:05,077
Sorry. Had she killed herself?

405
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,716
Who is Eric from legal

406
00:24:10,716 --> 00:24:13,152
knee.

407
00:24:13,152 --> 00:24:15,321
Oh, my. Honey baby. No. Why?

408
00:24:15,321 --> 00:24:16,088
I'm sorry.

409
00:24:16,088 --> 00:24:16,422
Okay.

410
00:24:16,889 --> 00:24:18,457
I just have no one else
to talk to.

411
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:21,126
I just spent all day with lame
Doctor Gould.

412
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:23,595
Oh, you mean
the head of medicine?

413
00:24:23,595 --> 00:24:27,966
Yeah. She just tells me all her
secrets, and I'm like, shut up.

414
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:30,936
Wait, Eric,
that means you have gossip.

415
00:24:30,936 --> 00:24:33,472
Wait. Really? Yes.

416
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:36,775
Oh, well. Apparently, yes.

417
00:24:36,775 --> 00:24:38,544
Her daughter? Yes.

418
00:24:38,544 --> 00:24:42,848
Who works in research,
has an OnlyFans. Yes.

419
00:24:42,848 --> 00:24:48,854
That Eric is blocked from Eric.

420
00:24:55,561 --> 00:24:56,395
What's going on with you?

421
00:24:56,395 --> 00:24:58,597
How are you?
You look stressed. Sorry.

422
00:24:58,597 --> 00:25:01,100
My husband's
thinking about buying a gun.

423
00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:01,700
Oh, boy.

424
00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:02,234
My husband.

425
00:25:02,801 --> 00:25:05,604
Two men in their guns. Well,
you know what Freud said?

426
00:25:05,604 --> 00:25:08,907
That guns are like an extension
of their manhood.

427
00:25:08,907 --> 00:25:11,877
Don't you guys wish
there was a gun for us?

428
00:25:11,877 --> 00:25:15,748
Not really a gun. That was
an extension of our womanhood.

429
00:25:15,748 --> 00:25:20,119
Well, now there is. Oh!
Oh my God.

430
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:25,057
Introducing guns for women.
Is that a vagina? Cool, right?

431
00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:28,994
Finally, a gun for us. Cheryl,
I don't want a gun for women.

432
00:25:28,994 --> 00:25:32,798
I don't want a gun at all. Come
on, I'll show you how it works.

433
00:25:32,798 --> 00:25:35,768
Don't be scared. It's for women.
Where's the trigger?

434
00:25:35,768 --> 00:25:38,837
It's really hard to find.
I don't think it's working.

435
00:25:38,837 --> 00:25:42,841
You have to warm it up a little.
How do you know? Okay.

436
00:25:42,841 --> 00:25:45,778
Oh, Cheryl, let's be done.
You don't want to see it go off.

437
00:25:45,778 --> 00:25:48,046
It doesn't go bang
when you shoot. It goes like.

438
00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:51,183
Hey, Cheryl, I don't like this.
You know what?

439
00:25:51,183 --> 00:25:53,485
The only thing
that stops a bad guy

440
00:25:53,485 --> 00:25:56,555
with a gun is a good girl
with a gun.

441
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:58,524
Cheryl, I have never liked you.

442
00:25:58,524 --> 00:26:01,326
You know how Glock rhymes with.

443
00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:05,798
Well, you know,
this is called a glunt. Okay.

444
00:26:05,798 --> 00:26:07,900
I'm going home. Bye, guys.

445
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:09,101
Isn't this your house?

446
00:26:09,101 --> 00:26:11,804
Damn it! Cheryl! Listen,
I don't care who it's for.

447
00:26:11,804 --> 00:26:14,907
Owning a gun
is far more dangerous than.

448
00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:17,076
Oh, I got it.

449
00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:22,481
Great shot. You go girl. I just,
I don't like how it looks.

450
00:26:22,481 --> 00:26:24,917
Oh, okay.
Then put a little skirt on it.

451
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:26,518
Oh, Cheryl.

452
00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:28,787
Whose idea was this?
A bunch of guys.

453
00:26:28,787 --> 00:26:32,858
Oh my God. Cheryl,
you have to leave. Oh, I get it.

454
00:26:32,858 --> 00:26:36,295
Because I'm a woman. We're
all women. Right.

455
00:26:36,295 --> 00:26:38,063
But what if I told you.

456
00:26:38,063 --> 00:26:42,267
Oh, okay. Cheryl,
get that thing out of here.

457
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:45,237
So no one wants to buy one? No.

458
00:26:45,237 --> 00:26:48,006
Did I tell you that it has to go
to the doctor once a year? Oh.

459
00:26:48,006 --> 00:26:51,510
Come on.
Just go. Guns for women.

460
00:26:51,510 --> 00:26:52,911
Available at the opposite of.

461
00:26:52,911 --> 00:26:55,881
Dick's Sporting Goods. Hey.

462
00:27:05,858 --> 00:27:07,593
Your Highness.

463
00:27:07,593 --> 00:27:10,162
Northman, plunder
your lands in the East.

464
00:27:10,162 --> 00:27:12,297
Meanwhile,
your traitorous brother

465
00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:15,868
slash lover gathers
a host in the marshlands.

466
00:27:15,868 --> 00:27:18,937
Thank you sir. Crassly,
that will be enough.

467
00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:19,938
You may take your leave.

468
00:27:22,508 --> 00:27:26,745
Sir. Alaric,
can you stay behind?

469
00:27:26,745 --> 00:27:28,814
Your grace.

470
00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:33,018
I've seen the way you look at
me. Alaric. Do you deny it?

471
00:27:33,018 --> 00:27:36,555
It's true, your Grace.
I burn for you.

472
00:27:36,555 --> 00:27:38,924
But I'm the head of your Queen's
guard.

473
00:27:38,924 --> 00:27:42,895
I've taken an oath of chastity.

474
00:27:42,895 --> 00:27:45,697
Listen not to your head,
but to your urges.

475
00:27:45,697 --> 00:27:48,800
Come lay with me.

476
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:49,935
All right.

477
00:27:49,935 --> 00:27:52,304
I suppose I've been.

478
00:27:52,304 --> 00:27:55,440
I've been waiting
for this moment.

479
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:56,308
Just out of

480
00:27:56,575 --> 00:28:02,314
curiosity, is your dragon
going to watch the whole time?

481
00:28:02,614 --> 00:28:04,349
Just because it's, like,
a little.

482
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:10,155
It's a little unsettling.

483
00:28:10,155 --> 00:28:13,058
I mean, am I crazy?

484
00:28:13,058 --> 00:28:15,394
I know it's weird,
but if I put him outside, he's

485
00:28:15,394 --> 00:28:19,731
just going to scratch at the
door, and it's so distracting.

486
00:28:19,731 --> 00:28:20,899
Gotcha.

487
00:28:20,899 --> 00:28:25,404
Totally. Now, where were we?

488
00:28:25,404 --> 00:28:27,339
The beginning of sex, I believe.

489
00:28:29,441 --> 00:28:31,944
Enough talking.

490
00:28:31,944 --> 00:28:33,879
Take off your arm.

491
00:28:33,879 --> 00:28:39,885
As you wish, my queen.

492
00:28:40,619 --> 00:28:44,690
Might just keep it on, though.

493
00:28:44,690 --> 00:28:45,224
Oh my God.

494
00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:46,458
Would you relax?

495
00:28:46,458 --> 00:28:48,293
Firaxis doesn't
even know what's going on.

496
00:28:48,293 --> 00:28:50,963
It's just he
just, you know, looks at it

497
00:28:50,963 --> 00:28:54,766
and looks like two shapes
bouncing against each other.

498
00:28:54,766 --> 00:28:58,103
What? Like this. Okay.

499
00:28:58,103 --> 00:28:59,638
Now, now take me,

500
00:28:59,638 --> 00:29:02,307
take me and toss me around
like a dirty little.

501
00:29:02,307 --> 00:29:05,510
Doll made of straw.

502
00:29:05,510 --> 00:29:06,979
Oh my God.

503
00:29:06,979 --> 00:29:09,181
But once the actions think
I'm hurting, you.

504
00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:10,582
Know,
he really understands that.

505
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,584
The kind of sex I like. Come on.

506
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:18,256
So then he does understand
what's going on a little.

507
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,158
He talks a tiny bit.

508
00:29:20,158 --> 00:29:23,729
Look, this is going to happen
or not, because I just.

509
00:29:23,729 --> 00:29:26,632
I really want.
You to do me. Brother style.

510
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,034
Okay.

511
00:29:29,201 --> 00:29:34,139
Gross. But yes, I want to do
this. I'm just a little thrown.

512
00:29:34,139 --> 00:29:37,943
Well. Don't be. I'm here with
you. Promise you'll be fine.

513
00:29:37,943 --> 00:29:43,315
You're right. I'm.

514
00:29:43,315 --> 00:29:44,483
Copy that.

515
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:47,719
Maybe.

516
00:29:47,719 --> 00:29:49,688
Of course. Loud and clear.

517
00:29:49,688 --> 00:29:54,726
What about. Are you. Okay?

518
00:29:54,726 --> 00:29:56,528
This is too weird.
This is too. Weird.

519
00:29:56,528 --> 00:29:58,964
Well, the anthrax. Is
a kind of a package deal.

520
00:29:58,964 --> 00:30:01,366
Okay, fine, I get that.

521
00:30:01,366 --> 00:30:07,205
But does your unit
also have to be in the room?

522
00:30:07,205 --> 00:30:09,241
Who? Me?

523
00:30:09,241 --> 00:30:12,844
Obviously.
Yes. Don't mind. Dojo.

524
00:30:12,844 --> 00:30:16,248
He doesn't even know
what's going on.

525
00:30:16,248 --> 00:30:19,685
Yes. To me,
it just looks like two shapes

526
00:30:19,685 --> 00:30:22,554
bouncing around, having sex.

527
00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:27,392
Besides,
I don't even have testicles.

528
00:30:27,392 --> 00:30:30,295
Do you have a penis?

529
00:30:30,295 --> 00:30:33,965
Well, you tell me.

530
00:30:33,965 --> 00:30:36,501
Oh, so no,

531
00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,070
I guess.
Why did I even ask that?

532
00:30:39,104 --> 00:30:41,506
Because you were curious.

533
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,675
Everyone is curious about Jojo.

534
00:30:43,675 --> 00:30:46,545
I've lived a life
most fascinating.

535
00:30:46,545 --> 00:30:48,947
Okay, enough of Jojo.

536
00:30:48,947 --> 00:30:53,885
I just realized what I must do
to prove my worthiness as a man.

537
00:30:53,885 --> 00:30:57,289
I must slay thy dragon.

538
00:30:57,289 --> 00:31:01,860
Their axis
is no match for my blade.

539
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:04,029
The axis marks the absolute
hell out of.

540
00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:07,265
So Alaric the queen
spent another lonely night

541
00:31:07,265 --> 00:31:10,168
pining for someone
to do her brother's style.

542
00:31:10,168 --> 00:31:12,270
And as for me, Jojo.

543
00:31:12,270 --> 00:31:15,907
Well, I continue to live
my life. Most fascinating.

544
00:31:15,907 --> 00:31:18,410
Until next time. Juggle out.

545
00:31:35,927 --> 00:31:36,862
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

546
00:31:36,862 --> 00:31:38,230
TURNSTILE.

547
00:31:38,230 --> 00:31:44,002
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

548
00:31:44,002 --> 00:31:58,784
♪♪

549
00:31:58,784 --> 00:32:17,402
♪♪

550
00:32:17,402 --> 00:32:27,312
♪♪

551
00:32:27,312 --> 00:32:29,514
♪ I DON'T KNOW

552
00:32:29,514 --> 00:32:30,048
BUT I BELIEVE

553
00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:31,149
I FOUND A SONG

554
00:32:31,149 --> 00:32:31,750
PLAYING JUST FOR ME ♪

555
00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:32,818
♪ AND NOW I'M FREE, FREE

556
00:32:32,818 --> 00:32:33,385
FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE

557
00:32:33,385 --> 00:32:34,419
NO ONE LEFT TO BE

558
00:32:34,419 --> 00:32:35,487
BE, BE, BE, BE, BE, BE ♪

559
00:32:35,487 --> 00:32:36,588
♪ I WAS TOLD THAT

560
00:32:36,588 --> 00:32:37,689
LOVE AND DEATH

561
00:32:37,689 --> 00:32:38,723
GO HAND IN HAND ♪

562
00:32:38,723 --> 00:32:39,858
♪ WHEN YOU FIND

563
00:32:39,858 --> 00:32:40,959
IS WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND ♪

564
00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:42,027
♪ AND YOU ARE FREE, FREE

565
00:32:42,027 --> 00:32:43,094
FREE, FREE, FREE, FREE

566
00:32:43,094 --> 00:32:44,229
NO ONE LEFT TO BE

567
00:32:44,229 --> 00:32:45,831
BE, BE, BE, BE, BE ♪

568
00:32:45,831 --> 00:32:48,600
♪ FINALLY YOU'RE FREE

569
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,336
NO ONE LEFT TO BE

570
00:32:51,336 --> 00:32:54,005
NO ONE LEFT TO BE ♪

571
00:32:54,005 --> 00:33:00,512
♪♪

572
00:33:00,512 --> 00:33:02,180
>> NEW YORK!

573
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:07,085
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

574
00:33:07,085 --> 00:33:10,355
COME ON.

575
00:33:10,355 --> 00:33:20,699
♪♪

576
00:33:20,699 --> 00:33:23,635
♪♪

577
00:33:23,635 --> 00:33:25,804
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

578
00:33:25,804 --> 00:33:26,872
THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

579
00:33:26,872 --> 00:33:32,310
FLY ALONE ♪

580
00:33:32,310 --> 00:33:33,945
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

581
00:33:33,945 --> 00:33:35,580
THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

582
00:33:35,580 --> 00:33:44,256
FLY ALONE ♪

583
00:33:44,256 --> 00:33:48,059
♪♪

584
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:49,694
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

585
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:52,397
THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

586
00:33:52,397 --> 00:33:56,735
FLY ALONE ♪

587
00:33:56,735 --> 00:33:57,836
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE IT

588
00:33:57,836 --> 00:34:00,038
THESE BIRDS NOT MEANT TO

589
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:06,011
FLY ALONE ♪

590
00:34:06,011 --> 00:34:14,019
♪♪

591
00:34:14,019 --> 00:34:21,960
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

592
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:35,073
It's Weekend Update with Colin
Jost and Michael Che.

593
00:34:43,281 --> 00:34:44,849
Thank you.

594
00:34:44,849 --> 00:34:46,284
Thank you very much.
Good evening everyone.

595
00:34:46,284 --> 00:34:47,919
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm
Michael Che.

596
00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:53,692
I'm Colin Jost.

597
00:34:53,692 --> 00:34:55,493
Well,
this week defense secretary

598
00:34:55,493 --> 00:35:00,065
and air sponsors nightmare Pete
Hegseth said that new U.S.

599
00:35:00,065 --> 00:35:03,735
military standards
mean, quote, no more drag shows,

600
00:35:03,735 --> 00:35:09,040
no fatties, no beard, no
weirdos, no wimps, no radicals.

601
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:15,013
So basically, he's banning
the entire career of Mike Myers.

602
00:35:17,082 --> 00:35:20,452
Also this week, the white House
removed CNN from the press

603
00:35:20,452 --> 00:35:26,458
pool covering President Trump's
trip to Texas mid-flight.

604
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,396
President Trump,
who now has the exact

605
00:35:31,396 --> 00:35:35,700
same posture as Bullwinkle.

606
00:35:35,700 --> 00:35:39,070
Said he convinced
I executives to sign a deal

607
00:35:39,070 --> 00:35:44,809
that is morally binding.
You know, like the devil.

608
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:46,511
President Trump is now claiming

609
00:35:46,511 --> 00:35:50,115
that the new white House
ballroom will have armed drones

610
00:35:50,115 --> 00:35:52,517
and a moat and an elevator

611
00:35:52,517 --> 00:35:55,687
and a laser
gun and a giant waterslide.

612
00:35:58,990 --> 00:35:59,457
During a

613
00:36:00,091 --> 00:36:02,093
Hispanic Heritage Month
celebration at the white House

614
00:36:02,093 --> 00:36:03,161
in which President Trump

615
00:36:03,161 --> 00:36:05,597
showed attendees
the new ballroom floor.

616
00:36:05,597 --> 00:36:08,133
He warned them
about falling over the edge,

617
00:36:08,133 --> 00:36:14,139
but added only a Hispanic
could survive that fall.

618
00:36:14,439 --> 00:36:16,841
Which
got no reaction from the crowd

619
00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:22,847
because people prefer racism
to make sense.

620
00:36:23,548 --> 00:36:25,417
In an interview, Vice
President J.D.

621
00:36:25,417 --> 00:36:27,986
Vance said that in this year's
midterms,

622
00:36:27,986 --> 00:36:30,288
Republicans face
an uphill climb.

623
00:36:30,288 --> 00:36:36,294
But hey, they've done it before.

624
00:36:36,394 --> 00:36:38,663
I know.

625
00:36:38,663 --> 00:36:40,832
A new report
shows that Texas Attorney

626
00:36:40,832 --> 00:36:42,901
General Ken Paxton,
who was running

627
00:36:42,901 --> 00:36:46,871
as a Republican for
Senate, has taken more than 275

628
00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:49,207
out-of-state trips
while in office.

629
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:55,180
And he must have needed
a lot of abortions.

630
00:36:57,415 --> 00:36:59,384
Republicans
in Texas are attacking

631
00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:02,120
Democratic Senate
nominee James Talarico

632
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:06,191
by questioning his masculinity
and calling him low tea.

633
00:37:06,191 --> 00:37:08,827
Talarico said he wished
people would stop saying

634
00:37:08,827 --> 00:37:11,396
that as he blew
the seeds off a dandelion.

635
00:37:14,532 --> 00:37:16,601
In an effort
to win back his spending support

636
00:37:16,601 --> 00:37:19,304
before the midterms, the Trump
administration sent J.D.

637
00:37:19,304 --> 00:37:21,706
Vance
to campaign in South Texas.

638
00:37:21,706 --> 00:37:27,712
And if that doesn't work,
they'll send in the chupacabra.

639
00:37:28,513 --> 00:37:31,416
You didn't like the weight
of a college?

640
00:37:31,416 --> 00:37:33,551
Well, I'm a homeland secretary.

641
00:37:33,551 --> 00:37:34,719
Kristi Noem

642
00:37:34,786 --> 00:37:38,323
has officially filed for divorce
from her husband, Brian Noem.

643
00:37:38,323 --> 00:37:44,329
And I guess
we'll never know why.

644
00:37:44,662 --> 00:37:46,598
Kristi
Noem said that she's sad about

645
00:37:46,598 --> 00:37:52,570
the divorce, but is always happy
to separate another family.

646
00:37:53,104 --> 00:37:53,805
I like that.

647
00:37:53,805 --> 00:37:56,274
Okay. Okay.

648
00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:59,778
Tennessee tried and failed
to execute a woman on death row

649
00:37:59,778 --> 00:38:02,680
after injecting her
with lethal drugs. Twice.

650
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:07,552
Said the woman. Okay,
now do a silly one.

651
00:38:07,552 --> 00:38:09,454
Of course, one of the
big stories in the news

652
00:38:09,454 --> 00:38:12,123
this week is the sexual
assault case at Cornell.

653
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:12,757
And obviously,

654
00:38:12,757 --> 00:38:13,691
we don't want to make

655
00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:16,394
light of anything that happened,
but it is a good time

656
00:38:16,394 --> 00:38:19,430
to talk about men
holding other men accountable.

657
00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:21,466
And look,
we all have that one friend

658
00:38:21,466 --> 00:38:23,268
that seems like a nice guy.

659
00:38:23,268 --> 00:38:26,404
But, you know,
they're definitely not.

660
00:38:26,404 --> 00:38:29,440
And they could be
someone you're close to

661
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:30,875
or someone you work with,

662
00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:33,144
and maybe
you can't prove anything,

663
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:35,079
but you could just look at him

664
00:38:35,079 --> 00:38:37,849
and tell those weird privilege
Ivy League types

665
00:38:37,849 --> 00:38:39,918
always got some
messed up stuff going on.

666
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:44,389
And Colin, did you
did you want to add anything?

667
00:38:44,389 --> 00:38:48,293
What? Just stop cutting to me,
all right?

668
00:38:48,293 --> 00:38:50,762
I don't want to help women.
Cool.

669
00:38:50,762 --> 00:38:54,065
Let's just get back to jokes,
then. One hand for coffee,

670
00:38:54,065 --> 00:38:57,969
Senator Cory Booker. No, no,
he doesn't deserve it.

671
00:38:57,969 --> 00:39:00,672
Senator Cory Booker
has introduced three bills

672
00:39:00,672 --> 00:39:02,574
to stop the white House
from naming

673
00:39:02,574 --> 00:39:04,776
an aircraft carrier
after President Trump

674
00:39:04,776 --> 00:39:07,712
instead of honoring a black war
hero.

675
00:39:07,712 --> 00:39:10,014
Trump has proposed a compromise
to name it

676
00:39:10,014 --> 00:39:15,753
after his favorite black boy
hero, Robert Downey Jr.

677
00:39:15,753 --> 00:39:18,489
Close enough.

678
00:39:18,489 --> 00:39:21,559
Grand Theft Auto
six is so highly anticipated

679
00:39:21,559 --> 00:39:24,362
that all other video games
have pushed their release dates

680
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,731
to avoid competing with it
this November.

681
00:39:26,731 --> 00:39:29,968
Except one other game here
to comment on their epic

682
00:39:29,968 --> 00:39:34,038
showdown are the two games
protagonist, Jason from GTA six

683
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:37,275
and link from Legend
of Zelda Ocarina of Time.

684
00:39:38,276 --> 00:39:41,613
Well, you know what's up.

685
00:39:41,613 --> 00:39:42,013
Yeah.

686
00:39:42,013 --> 00:39:42,880
What's up?

687
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,315
Yes. Yes, yes.

688
00:39:44,315 --> 00:39:46,384
Are y'all ready
to go to Vice City

689
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:51,356
and steal some cars or what?
Let me hear you. Yeah.

690
00:39:51,356 --> 00:39:53,958
Or are you all ready to go

691
00:39:53,958 --> 00:39:59,964
to the kingdom of Hyrule
and solve some puzzles?

692
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:03,268
Yeah, yeah.

693
00:40:03,268 --> 00:40:08,273
Now, I don't know much about
gaming because I've had sex, but

694
00:40:08,273 --> 00:40:10,575
I'm told that people are calling
your releases

695
00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:12,677
the Barb and Heimer of Video
games.

696
00:40:12,677 --> 00:40:13,511
Nah, bro,

697
00:40:13,511 --> 00:40:15,013
the only way this is like Barb

698
00:40:15,013 --> 00:40:17,248
and Heimer
is that I blow stuff up

699
00:40:17,248 --> 00:40:19,517
and he looks like
a little blond girl.

700
00:40:19,517 --> 00:40:21,352
No I don't. Yes, you do, man.

701
00:40:21,352 --> 00:40:23,821
What do you mean? You got, like,
a little green dress on.

702
00:40:23,821 --> 00:40:27,425
Show us what you know.
This is my adventure. Tunic.

703
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:29,527
God, you're such an idiot.

704
00:40:30,862 --> 00:40:32,297
It looks like a dress, bro.

705
00:40:32,297 --> 00:40:34,766
It's a tunic. No,
it looks like a dress.

706
00:40:34,766 --> 00:40:38,469
No it's not. It's a tunic.
And what's. What's a tunic?

707
00:40:38,469 --> 00:40:42,040
A tunic is a dress for a boy,
right?

708
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:48,046
Say right. Jay.

709
00:40:48,379 --> 00:40:49,580
Shane. No.

710
00:40:49,580 --> 00:40:53,584
No, no. Oh. Whatever, man.

711
00:40:53,584 --> 00:40:54,218
Let me tell you.

712
00:40:54,585 --> 00:40:56,454
Let me tell you what
I did in my game yesterday.

713
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:57,889
Right? Yesterday, right.

714
00:40:57,889 --> 00:41:01,159
I broke, I woke up,
I broke my thick Latina

715
00:41:01,159 --> 00:41:04,429
girlfriend out of prison,
and then I smashed her.

716
00:41:04,429 --> 00:41:08,599
Yawn. Yawn.

717
00:41:08,599 --> 00:41:11,002
Then I robbed a bank.
I stole a car.

718
00:41:11,002 --> 00:41:14,172
I went to the airport, stole
a Boeing Dreamliner.

719
00:41:14,172 --> 00:41:18,109
Boring, boring.

720
00:41:18,109 --> 00:41:20,778
And then I landed that hole
next to the strip club.

721
00:41:20,778 --> 00:41:23,748
Rose, you. And at the.

722
00:41:23,748 --> 00:41:26,584
And at the strip club.
I spent $1 million on a girl

723
00:41:26,584 --> 00:41:29,387
named cinnamon
who hates her dad.

724
00:41:29,387 --> 00:41:31,556
You. Meanwhile,

725
00:41:31,556 --> 00:41:33,925
over in Hyrule, I woke up.

726
00:41:33,925 --> 00:41:40,631
But magic beans from a shopkeepe
then played my ocarina.

727
00:41:40,631 --> 00:41:42,033
What even is that?

728
00:41:42,033 --> 00:41:43,368
Oh, like you don't know?

729
00:41:43,368 --> 00:41:45,370
I don't know,
no one knows what it is.

730
00:41:45,370 --> 00:41:47,038
It's a ceramic wind flute.

731
00:41:47,038 --> 00:41:49,107
It controls time in the weather.

732
00:41:49,107 --> 00:41:53,244
God, Jay. Tell him. Jay.

733
00:41:53,244 --> 00:41:54,879
Jay. Does it know?

734
00:41:54,879 --> 00:41:57,982
Why does it say no? Oh, he.
Does it.

735
00:41:57,982 --> 00:42:00,952
Say no. Why does it.
No, he's not.

736
00:42:00,952 --> 00:42:05,456
He doesn't know. Why not?
Why does one flute control?

737
00:42:05,456 --> 00:42:08,192
I'm asking him more questions.

738
00:42:08,192 --> 00:42:10,928
Okay. It sounds like you both
have great stuff to offer.

739
00:42:10,928 --> 00:42:11,596
In your games.

740
00:42:12,096 --> 00:42:14,532
Lots of offer. That's great.
Yeah, but I got more to offer.

741
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:18,536
My game got sex appeal,
man. Like, look at this baddie.

742
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:21,939
Oh, damn. She's an NPC too.

743
00:42:21,939 --> 00:42:23,207
There's thousands of girls
like that.

744
00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:24,242
She don't even got a purpose.

745
00:42:24,242 --> 00:42:26,110
She's just fine like that
for no reason.

746
00:42:26,110 --> 00:42:27,245
There's no baddies.

747
00:42:27,245 --> 00:42:28,613
There's no baddies in his game.

748
00:42:28,613 --> 00:42:31,516
Oh, my game doesn't
have baddies.

749
00:42:31,516 --> 00:42:35,119
Then who, sir, is this?

750
00:42:35,119 --> 00:42:38,556
Oh, yeah.

751
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:42,593
Yeah, don't do that.

752
00:42:42,593 --> 00:42:45,663
Don't do that. That looks like
your little brother, bro.

753
00:42:45,663 --> 00:42:49,100
It's Princess Zelda,
the prettiest girl in Hyrule.

754
00:42:49,100 --> 00:42:55,106
And let's just say me and her
are friends, and that's it.

755
00:42:55,373 --> 00:42:58,810
Friends. And that's it. Yeah,
that sucks, man.

756
00:42:58,810 --> 00:43:04,816
I mean, Colin, listen, I respect
all the Zelda games, but.

757
00:43:05,149 --> 00:43:06,184
I respect.

758
00:43:06,184 --> 00:43:09,520
Listen, man,
I'm going to beat your ass.

759
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,055
I'll use a potion.

760
00:43:11,055 --> 00:43:15,393
Right. Hey, listen.

761
00:43:15,393 --> 00:43:18,029
Listen, man. Respect
to all the Zelda games.

762
00:43:18,029 --> 00:43:22,166
They're all right,
but they're all t tmp and g.

763
00:43:22,166 --> 00:43:24,035
They're tmp png.

764
00:43:24,035 --> 00:43:26,237
Yeah. Too many puzzles. No guns.

765
00:43:26,237 --> 00:43:27,972
Oh, look, look,

766
00:43:27,972 --> 00:43:30,842
look at what you could buy
at a store in GTA six.

767
00:43:30,842 --> 00:43:33,177
You can just buy this, man.

768
00:43:33,177 --> 00:43:35,546
You could just buy it
like it's Advil at a store.

769
00:43:35,546 --> 00:43:38,950
You just buy this. It's awesome.
This is an RPG, okay?

770
00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:40,218
You can blow anything up
with this.

771
00:43:40,218 --> 00:43:43,554
Whatever you want. Dude,
this is bad ass.

772
00:43:43,554 --> 00:43:45,656
Oh, you want to talk bad us?

773
00:43:45,656 --> 00:43:50,461
How about this
fairy in a bottle?

774
00:43:50,461 --> 00:43:54,132
Can you just buy this?
You can just buy this

775
00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:57,368
three magic frogs
and it gets you this.

776
00:43:57,368 --> 00:43:58,870
What does that even do?

777
00:43:58,870 --> 00:44:03,474
It heals all your hearts.
God, you're an idiot.

778
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,943
All right, man, stop.

779
00:44:05,943 --> 00:44:09,180
Stop, stop.

780
00:44:09,180 --> 00:44:11,082
Let's see. We're done.
We're done. Man. We're done.

781
00:44:11,082 --> 00:44:14,352
Oh, you heard my fairy.
We're done.

782
00:44:14,352 --> 00:44:18,956
We're done. Dude,
I cast on three magic frogs.

783
00:44:18,956 --> 00:44:21,058
We're done
here. We're done here.

784
00:44:21,058 --> 00:44:25,062
Yo, America, GTA six
this November.

785
00:44:25,062 --> 00:44:28,833
Destruction, chaos and such.

786
00:44:28,833 --> 00:44:34,572
Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time
remake this November puzzles

787
00:44:34,572 --> 00:44:40,578
light combat, my healed fairy
and full frontal nudity.

788
00:44:40,578 --> 00:44:41,746
Oh. For real?

789
00:44:41,746 --> 00:44:44,682
No. I love Jason and Link.

790
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:48,853
Everyone.

791
00:44:54,892 --> 00:44:58,429
And killed this fairy.

792
00:44:58,429 --> 00:45:02,733
It was reported that.

793
00:45:02,733 --> 00:45:06,070
It was reported
that Sean Combs pays his fellow

794
00:45:06,070 --> 00:45:09,006
inmates to clean his bathroom.

795
00:45:09,006 --> 00:45:14,679
And he pays them a little more
to make it nastier.

796
00:45:14,679 --> 00:45:17,381
He had to go to a dirty joke.

797
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:20,418
Newly discovered records
suggest that in 1931,

798
00:45:20,418 --> 00:45:23,421
Adolf Hitler
may have murdered his niece.

799
00:45:23,421 --> 00:45:25,056
Okay, that's strike two.

800
00:45:31,929 --> 00:45:34,865
LeBron James attended
his first press conference

801
00:45:34,865 --> 00:45:40,871
as a 76 year old.

802
00:45:42,807 --> 00:45:44,609
Scientist
at a lab in Switzerland

803
00:45:44,609 --> 00:45:48,045
have developed a robotic hand
that can walk on its fingers.

804
00:45:48,045 --> 00:45:54,051
That's not all I can
do, said the night janitor.

805
00:45:55,820 --> 00:45:58,389
Glee creator Ryan Murphy
recently announced he's

806
00:45:58,389 --> 00:46:01,359
working on a reboot of the hit
show.

807
00:46:01,359 --> 00:46:02,860
Here, to give his thoughts

808
00:46:02,860 --> 00:46:08,299
on the return of Glee is Kam
Patterson.

809
00:46:08,299 --> 00:46:10,034
Ha ha ha.

810
00:46:10,034 --> 00:46:11,936
That's what I'm saying.

811
00:46:11,936 --> 00:46:14,872
Can you believe it?
Glee is back.

812
00:46:14,872 --> 00:46:18,009
Yeah. Tell cam there's no.

813
00:46:18,009 --> 00:46:20,611
There is no way
you're a Glee fan. What.

814
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:25,249
You mean a Glee? Yeah. Hey, I'm
a total gleek. I'm a crewneck.

815
00:46:25,249 --> 00:46:29,253
I spend all day
groaning. Ballooning.

816
00:46:29,253 --> 00:46:31,656
I couldn't be more excited
for Glee to be back.

817
00:46:31,656 --> 00:46:32,857
That can't be true.

818
00:46:32,857 --> 00:46:35,192
Cam, you're. Right,
because I'm kind of nervous.

819
00:46:35,192 --> 00:46:36,927
Oh, they
gotta get it right, man.

820
00:46:38,429 --> 00:46:39,196
Get Glee.

821
00:46:39,530 --> 00:46:41,699
Right? What are you talking
about? It's been 12 years.

822
00:46:41,699 --> 00:46:43,567
It's like one of our favorite
characters up to it.

823
00:46:43,567 --> 00:46:45,236
Is Rachel Berry
still on Broadway?

824
00:46:45,236 --> 00:46:49,040
What about Kurt? You know what
I'm going to say about Kurt?

825
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,109
I obviously don't know
what you guys think about Kurt.

826
00:46:52,109 --> 00:46:53,711
Or him
and Blaine stood together.

827
00:46:53,711 --> 00:46:57,381
They better be together today.
They better be together.

828
00:46:57,381 --> 00:46:59,617
I love them. You got to stop.

829
00:46:59,617 --> 00:47:02,320
Stop talking about Glee
characters. You're right.

830
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:03,821
And start
talking about the music.

831
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:06,424
Speaking of which. Hamilton.

832
00:47:06,424 --> 00:47:10,061
Oh, Glee
has got to come to Hamilton.

833
00:47:10,061 --> 00:47:12,663
I just gave myself
chills to my arm.

834
00:47:12,663 --> 00:47:15,399
Come on. I'm shaking.
Chills, man.

835
00:47:15,399 --> 00:47:18,636
Oh, Kev. Yeah.

836
00:47:18,636 --> 00:47:20,538
Look, I know you, man.

837
00:47:20,538 --> 00:47:22,573
You don't have to say
yes to every idea

838
00:47:22,573 --> 00:47:23,908
the white
writers pitched to you.

839
00:47:26,444 --> 00:47:27,411
What are you talking about?

840
00:47:27,411 --> 00:47:28,546
I love glee.

841
00:47:28,546 --> 00:47:31,549
You don't know what the hell
Glee is, cam,

842
00:47:31,549 --> 00:47:33,017
without looking at the cards.

843
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:37,955
Name one character. Probably.

844
00:47:37,955 --> 00:47:38,789
Don't look at me.

845
00:47:38,789 --> 00:47:41,058
Oh, look. Santana, Montana.

846
00:47:41,058 --> 00:47:43,494
Yeah, fine.

847
00:47:43,494 --> 00:47:43,861
I don't even.

848
00:47:44,562 --> 00:47:46,831
Know if that's right,
but I know you don't know him.

849
00:47:46,831 --> 00:47:48,566
Oh, yeah. You got me.
You got me, man.

850
00:47:48,566 --> 00:47:52,803
Look, cam, I've worked here,
what, 30, 35 years?

851
00:47:52,803 --> 00:47:53,904
I know what this is.

852
00:47:53,904 --> 00:47:55,372
Two white writers
came up to you.

853
00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:57,408
In truth,
Fisher would not do about Glee.

854
00:47:57,408 --> 00:47:59,110
And now you out here
say a bunch of names

855
00:47:59,110 --> 00:48:02,413
you've never heard before,
right? Yes.

856
00:48:02,413 --> 00:48:05,516
And you've never seen Glee?
Not once.

857
00:48:05,516 --> 00:48:09,120
And how do you feel? Pretty bad.

858
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:12,790
I just did jazz
hands on national television.

859
00:48:12,790 --> 00:48:14,392
Look, they do the same thing
to me, man.

860
00:48:14,392 --> 00:48:16,460
You think I know
what the Strait of Hormuz is?

861
00:48:18,996 --> 00:48:20,731
But I just read it.

862
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:21,398
Here's my advice.

863
00:48:21,732 --> 00:48:24,135
When you come out here,
just be yourself, okay?

864
00:48:24,135 --> 00:48:26,704
That's all we have.
We want to hear from you. Okay?

865
00:48:26,704 --> 00:48:28,873
Talk about what
you want to talk about.

866
00:48:28,873 --> 00:48:29,440
Okay.

867
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:30,908
Yeah, I'll ask for some

868
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:32,576
talk about a time
I got robbed during a threesome.

869
00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:34,545
No, no, no.

870
00:48:34,545 --> 00:48:36,614
Okay, what about having a voter
in my life?

871
00:48:36,614 --> 00:48:39,550
Definitely. No, don't do that.
No, something. Something else.

872
00:48:39,550 --> 00:48:40,251
Okay, I got

873
00:48:40,718 --> 00:48:43,521
I got a funny story about,
like, me going to a strip club.

874
00:48:43,521 --> 00:48:46,023
I mean, maybe that could work
out. Okay. Here. Go. Here. Go.

875
00:48:46,023 --> 00:48:47,758
Let me let me set the scene.

876
00:48:47,758 --> 00:48:48,826
I was 14 years old.

877
00:48:48,893 --> 00:48:54,365
No. Can I keep forgetting you
from Florida? Listen. No.

878
00:48:54,365 --> 00:48:57,101
Let's go back to TV.
What TV shows do you watch?

879
00:48:57,101 --> 00:49:00,438
Okay, look, I'm not going to lie
to you that I like the office.

880
00:49:00,438 --> 00:49:01,906
Great.
How did you get into the office?

881
00:49:01,906 --> 00:49:03,874
Okay, listen, I was hanging out
with his white lady, right?

882
00:49:03,874 --> 00:49:08,379
And quick question. Can I say
fellatio on TV? No. Can't.

883
00:49:08,379 --> 00:49:11,715
Absolutely not.
Kam Patterson. Hamilton.

884
00:49:11,715 --> 00:49:13,450
Oh, no. They got Hamilton.

885
00:49:15,619 --> 00:49:16,520
Okay.

886
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:19,623
Great.

887
00:49:19,623 --> 00:49:21,525
Actor Dennis Haskins, who played

888
00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:27,531
principal building on the 90s
sitcom saved by the Bell.

889
00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:34,805
Died this week.

890
00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:41,145
So much work went into that.

891
00:49:41,145 --> 00:49:43,881
After the recent nor'easter hit,
the Jersey shore

892
00:49:43,881 --> 00:49:48,619
resident reported seeing a shark
swimming down a flooded street

893
00:49:48,619 --> 00:49:52,990
looking for the guy
who knocked up his sister.

894
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,525
You like that? Wow.

895
00:49:54,525 --> 00:49:58,028
That would put me in the cast.
Lord,

896
00:49:58,028 --> 00:50:01,966
I was transported to new Jersey.
That was incredible.

897
00:50:01,966 --> 00:50:05,069
Police in Michigan reported that
a toddler at a daycare center

898
00:50:05,069 --> 00:50:07,905
pulled a loaded handgun
from his backpack.

899
00:50:07,905 --> 00:50:13,244
So I guess it is recess. Bitch.

900
00:50:13,244 --> 00:50:14,745
Studies show that many Americans

901
00:50:14,745 --> 00:50:17,381
are experiencing
dating app fatigue

902
00:50:17,381 --> 00:50:20,251
and looking to return
to more traditional methods

903
00:50:20,251 --> 00:50:21,518
of meeting someone.

904
00:50:21,518 --> 00:50:24,121
It was her ideas
about who I should date.

905
00:50:24,121 --> 00:50:27,625
Hold on. It's New York
City matchmaker Debbie Busch.

906
00:50:33,197 --> 00:50:33,664
Hello.

907
00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:36,534
Sorry.
I came here as fast as I could.

908
00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:39,203
I understand it's an emergency.

909
00:50:39,203 --> 00:50:41,305
Well, well,
I had to say it was emergency.

910
00:50:41,305 --> 00:50:41,972
What are you talking about?

911
00:50:41,972 --> 00:50:44,174
Please say I don't interrupt

912
00:50:44,174 --> 00:50:46,510
you while you're trying to do
your job.

913
00:50:46,510 --> 00:50:51,548
Please don't interrupt me while
I'm trying to do my job. Okay.

914
00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:53,784
Hey. I'm so good at my job.

915
00:50:53,784 --> 00:50:57,888
I got Jojo Siwa back on boys.

916
00:50:57,888 --> 00:51:00,257
I'm not even going to comment
on that. Okay.

917
00:51:00,257 --> 00:51:03,394
No show. Okay,
let's start by identifying.

918
00:51:03,394 --> 00:51:05,396
You will and you won't.

919
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:07,197
Okay. First sample.

920
00:51:07,197 --> 00:51:11,568
Are you open to dating
a convicted felon?

921
00:51:11,568 --> 00:51:16,006
No, I don't think so. Okay.

922
00:51:16,006 --> 00:51:17,374
Wait.

923
00:51:17,374 --> 00:51:20,578
What? We're learning. Shea. It's
very helpful.

924
00:51:20,578 --> 00:51:23,681
Okay. Oh, whoa whoa whoa. Oh,
I got a good one for you, Shea.

925
00:51:23,681 --> 00:51:24,582
I got a good one.

926
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,651
Okay. I got a really good
feeling about this client.

927
00:51:27,651 --> 00:51:29,520
She seems he's appropriate.

928
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:32,189
She's creative.
She makes her own money.

929
00:51:32,189 --> 00:51:36,627
Your political views completely
align. Is J.K. Rowling. No,

930
00:51:37,895 --> 00:51:40,164
no, I think I
can do a little better than J.K.

931
00:51:40,164 --> 00:51:44,335
Rowling. Okay. Oh, good.
How about this one?

932
00:51:44,335 --> 00:51:44,568
Yeah.

933
00:51:45,402 --> 00:51:47,771
I got a really good girl
for you. She's approachable.

934
00:51:47,771 --> 00:51:48,539
She's sweet.

935
00:51:48,539 --> 00:51:51,008
She come from a
really good family.

936
00:51:51,008 --> 00:51:52,443
All right,
that sounds promising.

937
00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:57,548
I'm listening. So, sadly,
she has passed.

938
00:51:57,548 --> 00:52:01,518
But you're welcome to visit her
grave site any time you want.

939
00:52:01,518 --> 00:52:03,153
She's dead.

940
00:52:03,153 --> 00:52:05,289
You know what, Shea?
You know what?

941
00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:08,459
His spirit is actually
coming forward right now,

942
00:52:08,459 --> 00:52:11,629
and she says she's
not interested.

943
00:52:11,629 --> 00:52:13,597
All right, look, I'm
requesting that the girl I date

944
00:52:13,597 --> 00:52:16,500
be at least alive. Okay.

945
00:52:16,500 --> 00:52:20,638
Okay. Okay. What? What? Okay.

946
00:52:20,638 --> 00:52:23,374
Why are there so many dead
clients?

947
00:52:23,374 --> 00:52:26,343
Oh, she say I love this one.
Okay.

948
00:52:26,343 --> 00:52:28,712
She's
got a really big personality.

949
00:52:28,712 --> 00:52:31,215
She's married,
but they open. Okay.

950
00:52:31,215 --> 00:52:35,452
22 millimeter waist, 22
millimeter feet. She's a potato.

951
00:52:35,452 --> 00:52:36,654
It's Mrs. Potato Head.

952
00:52:38,188 --> 00:52:40,991
No. Hey
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.

953
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:42,159
Look at me.

954
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:43,360
Look at me, Shay.

955
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:46,697
I don't know where you get off
being so picky, okay?

956
00:52:46,697 --> 00:52:51,201
Because look at you.
You're 435,000 years old.

957
00:52:51,201 --> 00:52:53,303
You never did
eat the railroad truck, okay?

958
00:52:53,303 --> 00:52:54,938
You drink like a fix fish.

959
00:52:54,938 --> 00:52:57,641
You have sex like a fish.
You weigh 349 pounds.

960
00:52:57,641 --> 00:53:02,346
I don't weigh
349 pounds. Okay, okay, okay.

961
00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:05,416
How about this for Shay?
She's industrious.

962
00:53:05,416 --> 00:53:06,884
She's competitive.

963
00:53:06,884 --> 00:53:08,118
She's the girl who crapped

964
00:53:08,118 --> 00:53:11,455
the pants during the Chinese
marathon.

965
00:53:11,455 --> 00:53:14,825
Chinese marathon? That's not
what it's called. Hey, hey.

966
00:53:14,825 --> 00:53:17,261
Please
don't waste my time, Shay.

967
00:53:17,261 --> 00:53:19,530
Please don't waste my time,
okay?

968
00:53:19,530 --> 00:53:22,833
Yeah. Expectations are up here.
I'm gonna need him down here.

969
00:53:22,833 --> 00:53:25,836
Hey, get your hand
out of there, girl.

970
00:53:25,836 --> 00:53:28,972
You know what? You know
what? Fine. Let's take a break.

971
00:53:28,972 --> 00:53:32,076
Okay. Let's talk.
I will breast shape.

972
00:53:32,076 --> 00:53:36,180
Call me when someone
tell me one.

973
00:53:36,180 --> 00:53:38,348
Show me one.
None of those. Tell me one.

974
00:53:38,348 --> 00:53:42,319
Not know someone tell me one.
Sell me one.

975
00:53:42,319 --> 00:53:44,188
Sell me one.
No, not. No. You know what?

976
00:53:44,188 --> 00:53:47,324
Okay, fine. Shake.
You've run before.

977
00:53:47,324 --> 00:53:51,495
Okay, I'll bring out my.
Bring you Rodney. Door. That's,

978
00:53:53,097 --> 00:53:54,431
I'll bring out my ringer.

979
00:53:54,431 --> 00:53:58,635
Okay. She's drop dead gorgeous.
Okay. Oh, credit is bad.

980
00:53:58,635 --> 00:54:01,472
Her body is worse.
She's got her hands.

981
00:54:01,472 --> 00:54:02,773
She's Bella. Her mouth.

982
00:54:02,773 --> 00:54:04,641
She's standing right
next to you. It's me.

983
00:54:04,641 --> 00:54:10,280
No, w I am not going on a date
with you. Shay.

984
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:12,416
What if I told you
I got no gag reflex?

985
00:54:12,416 --> 00:54:14,384
Like a swallow,
a cue ball, no water.

986
00:54:14,384 --> 00:54:17,454
Fine. I'll go on a date with you
one day.

987
00:54:17,454 --> 00:54:19,289
And I'm not paying
for your Uber.

988
00:54:19,289 --> 00:54:22,493
Yo. Danny. Much? Everybody.

989
00:54:22,493 --> 00:54:25,329
I be blessed to be alive.

990
00:54:25,329 --> 00:54:30,367
I█m Michael Che, I█m Colin
Jost Goodnight!

991
00:54:41,278 --> 00:54:41,845
All right.

992
00:54:42,513 --> 00:54:46,650
My diva queens lights up pretty
soon. Okay. Okay. Dive. Right.

993
00:54:46,650 --> 00:54:48,719
If you need anything,
just holler.

994
00:54:48,719 --> 00:54:50,988
Thanks. Mr. 1779.

995
00:54:50,988 --> 00:54:54,291
Hey, can I show you guys
this girl that I'm obsessed

996
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,393
with? Okay, she literally.

997
00:54:56,393 --> 00:54:59,997
Does the best get ready with me
videos.

998
00:54:59,997 --> 00:55:01,398
Hi, guys.

999
00:55:01,398 --> 00:55:04,301
Get ready with me for
the first day of eighth grade.

1000
00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:09,806
Because y'all know I gotta do
a full B before homeroom.

1001
00:55:09,806 --> 00:55:10,874
I got you so cute.

1002
00:55:10,874 --> 00:55:13,477
Wait, have you seen this one?

1003
00:55:13,477 --> 00:55:16,280
Get ready
with me for my shift in the e.R.

1004
00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:18,715
I don't want no scrubs.

1005
00:55:18,715 --> 00:55:23,620
More like I love my scrubs.
My Pikachu. Ones. That is.

1006
00:55:23,620 --> 00:55:26,356
Oh, my God, she's so beautiful.

1007
00:55:26,356 --> 00:55:29,626
Wait, you guys know
Colorado? Vicki, right? Who?

1008
00:55:29,626 --> 00:55:32,196
Colorado. Vicki.
She does the actual best.

1009
00:55:32,196 --> 00:55:34,364
Get ready with me
here. Let's check this out.

1010
00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:36,433
Hey, guys,

1011
00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:40,671
get ready with me for court
ordered electroshock therapy.

1012
00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:43,407
So I'm doing
no moisturizer today

1013
00:55:43,407 --> 00:55:45,342
because you're going to want
these little thingies

1014
00:55:45,342 --> 00:55:47,811
to really stick to your temples.

1015
00:55:47,811 --> 00:55:50,781
And as for makeup, today
I'm just going to be going with

1016
00:55:50,781 --> 00:55:53,584
an understated bright green lip

1017
00:55:53,584 --> 00:55:57,588
because it's a shade that can
easily go on day to night.

1018
00:55:57,588 --> 00:56:00,424
Earth to hell.

1019
00:56:00,424 --> 00:56:03,360
They said that
500V should work this time,

1020
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:08,465
but I don't know what's see.
Hashtag zap me, daddy!

1021
00:56:08,465 --> 00:56:11,602
I'm sorry.
What was that? Colorado. Vicki.

1022
00:56:11,602 --> 00:56:14,805
I'm legitimately addicted to her
ass. Really?

1023
00:56:14,805 --> 00:56:17,107
She seems unwell.

1024
00:56:17,107 --> 00:56:21,778
Oh, she's. Well, trust me.
Check this out.

1025
00:56:21,778 --> 00:56:25,983
Hey, cheeky taters,
get ready with me to get 5150

1026
00:56:25,983 --> 00:56:28,819
on the roof of San Bernardino
Whole Foods.

1027
00:56:28,819 --> 00:56:32,055
First, you're
gonna want to take this or heat

1028
00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:36,460
list styling bomb and tease
your bangs up super high,

1029
00:56:36,460 --> 00:56:39,096
like your hair
is trying to escape your scalp.

1030
00:56:41,598 --> 00:56:42,399
And then

1031
00:56:42,666 --> 00:56:44,701
you're going to want
to put on a mask made of mirrors

1032
00:56:44,701 --> 00:56:50,707
so that the flat cameras can't
find you after you bite a cop.

1033
00:56:50,741 --> 00:56:53,443
Oh, isn't she so goes.

1034
00:56:53,443 --> 00:56:56,647
No, not at all.
It's a soul, sisters.

1035
00:56:56,647 --> 00:56:58,782
Any of y'all want some bagel
bites.

1036
00:56:58,782 --> 00:57:00,350
Or good dad?

1037
00:57:00,350 --> 00:57:01,918
No problemo. Queens.

1038
00:57:01,918 --> 00:57:04,221
I'm just going to go drink
in the pool for a while,

1039
00:57:04,221 --> 00:57:10,027
stand in the deep end
and have myself a think.

1040
00:57:10,027 --> 00:57:11,762
Is your dad okay? Yeah.

1041
00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:14,131
He always comes in happy,
but the second he's done

1042
00:57:14,131 --> 00:57:16,233
talking,
the lights go out in his eyes.

1043
00:57:16,233 --> 00:57:18,201
Yeah, whatever. He's fine.

1044
00:57:18,201 --> 00:57:20,037
Wait, you guys look at this one.

1045
00:57:20,037 --> 00:57:23,907
It's kind of like my makeup
Bible.

1046
00:57:23,907 --> 00:57:26,476
Hey, guys. Happy? No
blinking. October.

1047
00:57:26,476 --> 00:57:30,547
I'm currently on three days
an okay outfit of the day.

1048
00:57:30,547 --> 00:57:31,982
This is what I'm wearing

1049
00:57:31,982 --> 00:57:34,518
to handcuff myself
to a public figure.

1050
00:57:34,518 --> 00:57:36,853
Drop a comment below
if you know where to find

1051
00:57:36,853 --> 00:57:38,655
turtle from under entourage.

1052
00:57:40,691 --> 00:57:43,493
Oh my God,
how did you find these videos?

1053
00:57:43,493 --> 00:57:46,063
They have like four views.
I don't know,

1054
00:57:46,063 --> 00:57:49,166
I guess my algorithm is just
cool, amazing.

1055
00:57:49,166 --> 00:57:53,036
Hey my sassy mama chicas.
Anybody want some Cajun tots?

1056
00:57:53,036 --> 00:57:54,604
No thanks, Mr. Suffredini.

1057
00:57:54,604 --> 00:57:56,206
Okay, glad y'all are having fun.

1058
00:57:56,206 --> 00:57:58,408
I'm having kind of a rough day
myself.

1059
00:57:58,408 --> 00:58:01,845
You see, my boss
found my Sailor Moon costume

1060
00:58:01,845 --> 00:58:04,514
spread like wildfire on slack.

1061
00:58:04,514 --> 00:58:06,650
Anyway, I'm gonna go take a jog
down the middle of the highway,

1062
00:58:06,650 --> 00:58:12,322
so just holler if you hoochie
mamas need a pizza roll off. Oh.

1063
00:58:12,322 --> 00:58:15,659
God. So spooky. Smile. Go.

1064
00:58:15,659 --> 00:58:18,161
And you can still see his feet
when he leaves.

1065
00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:22,632
He just stands outside the door.

1066
00:58:22,632 --> 00:58:25,469
Oh, my God, you guys stop
giving him attention.

1067
00:58:25,469 --> 00:58:27,471
That's like
exactly what he wants.

1068
00:58:27,471 --> 00:58:30,073
Wait, you guys have to
see this one. It's the best.

1069
00:58:31,208 --> 00:58:36,012
Get ready with me to make brunch
and give myself a lobotomy.

1070
00:58:36,012 --> 00:58:37,080
You're going to want to start

1071
00:58:37,080 --> 00:58:39,950
by finding a really good power
drill.

1072
00:58:39,950 --> 00:58:44,254
Hashtag L'Oreal partner.

1073
00:58:44,254 --> 00:58:46,723
She's sponsored by L'Oreal.

1074
00:58:46,723 --> 00:58:50,060
I'd be so jealous if she didn't
totally deserve it.

1075
00:58:50,060 --> 00:58:54,598
Hey, my little white Sea words.
Anyone want some kettle corn,

1076
00:58:54,598 --> 00:58:57,801
Hun? What the hell? We're
good dude.

1077
00:58:57,801 --> 00:58:58,535
Cool beans.

1078
00:58:58,802 --> 00:59:00,237
Well, I'm just going to go
lay down in the grass

1079
00:59:00,237 --> 00:59:02,272
and put some dirt in my mouth,
see what it feels like.

1080
00:59:02,272 --> 00:59:07,077
Let the bugs do their thing.

1081
00:59:07,077 --> 00:59:08,845
Should we call someone
about your dad?

1082
00:59:08,845 --> 00:59:10,847
No, he's just in a funk.

1083
00:59:10,847 --> 00:59:11,481
Because, like,

1084
00:59:11,782 --> 00:59:14,284
mom left his boss on a Sailor
Moon costume,

1085
00:59:14,284 --> 00:59:17,687
and he didn't realize that draft
Kings was real money.

1086
00:59:17,687 --> 00:59:20,724
Oh, I think I want to go
home. Why?

1087
00:59:20,724 --> 00:59:22,292
Why would you go home in
Colorado?

1088
00:59:22,292 --> 00:59:24,294
Vicki is live right now.

1089
00:59:24,294 --> 00:59:26,797
Hey, girlies. Boyfriend?

1090
00:59:26,797 --> 00:59:29,566
Yo, here's the dead eyed king
I've just met

1091
00:59:29,566 --> 00:59:33,236
wandering around the golf course
45 seconds ago.

1092
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:35,405
Hey, my little pizza slut.

1093
00:59:37,074 --> 00:59:40,410
Oh, my
God, you're gonna be my new mom.

1094
00:59:58,261 --> 01:00:03,467
>>> ONCE AGAIN, TURNSTILE.

1095
01:00:03,467 --> 01:00:21,918
♪♪

1096
01:00:21,918 --> 01:00:36,766
♪♪

1097
01:00:36,766 --> 01:00:39,469
♪ I'M HAPPY TO

1098
01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:42,205
GIVE MYSELF AWAY ♪

1099
01:00:42,205 --> 01:00:43,874
♪ I'M HAPPY TO

1100
01:00:43,874 --> 01:00:47,144
FIX WHAT I CAN'T CHANGE ♪

1101
01:00:47,144 --> 01:00:50,413
♪ ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

1102
01:00:50,413 --> 01:00:55,886
I CARE

1103
01:00:55,886 --> 01:01:00,724
ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

1104
01:01:00,724 --> 01:01:02,359
I'M THERE ♪

1105
01:01:02,359 --> 01:01:05,595
♪ I'M HAPPY TO SINK

1106
01:01:05,595 --> 01:01:06,696
INTO REGRET

1107
01:01:06,696 --> 01:01:08,331
IF ONLY TO LOSE MYSELF

1108
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:10,534
IN IT ♪

1109
01:01:10,534 --> 01:01:12,702
♪ ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

1110
01:01:12,702 --> 01:01:15,405
I CARE

1111
01:01:15,405 --> 01:01:18,708
ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

1112
01:01:18,708 --> 01:01:22,512
I'M THERE ♪

1113
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:24,147
♪ BUT DO YOU REALLY WANNA

1114
01:01:24,147 --> 01:01:27,984
FALL APART

1115
01:01:27,984 --> 01:01:32,889
AND DO YOU REALLY WANNA

1116
01:01:32,889 --> 01:01:37,227
BREAK MY HEART IN TWO ♪

1117
01:01:37,227 --> 01:01:43,733
♪♪

1118
01:01:43,733 --> 01:01:50,774
♪ TWO ♪

1119
01:01:50,774 --> 01:01:55,145
♪♪

1120
01:01:55,145 --> 01:01:57,847
♪ I'M HAPPY TO

1121
01:01:57,847 --> 01:02:00,050
GIVE MYSELF AWAY

1122
01:02:00,050 --> 01:02:02,719
I'M HAPPY TO

1123
01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:05,422
FIX WHAT I CAN'T CHANGE ♪

1124
01:02:05,422 --> 01:02:08,158
♪ ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

1125
01:02:08,158 --> 01:02:11,394
I CARE

1126
01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:14,664
ALL BECAUSE YOU KNOW

1127
01:02:14,664 --> 01:02:18,468
I'M THERE ♪

1128
01:02:18,468 --> 01:02:23,873
♪ BUT DO YOU REALLY WANNA

1129
01:02:23,873 --> 01:02:26,076
FALL APART

1130
01:02:26,076 --> 01:02:27,711
AND DO YOU REALLY WANNA

1131
01:02:27,711 --> 01:02:29,346
BREAK MY HEART ♪

1132
01:02:29,346 --> 01:02:31,514
♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE LIVING

1133
01:02:31,514 --> 01:02:34,784
IN A FANTASY

1134
01:02:34,784 --> 01:02:37,487
I GUESS YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

1135
01:02:37,487 --> 01:02:43,760
YOU'RE LEAVING ME IN TWO ♪

1136
01:02:45,996 --> 01:02:53,236
♪♪

1137
01:02:53,236 --> 01:02:55,405
♪ DEEP IN THE NIGHT

1138
01:02:55,405 --> 01:02:58,108
I'M WAITING FOR THE CALL

1139
01:02:58,108 --> 01:03:01,378
DEEP IN THE NIGHT

1140
01:03:01,378 --> 01:03:04,080
I'M WAITING FOR THE CALL ♪

1141
01:03:04,080 --> 01:03:06,282
♪ WON'T BE SURPRISED

1142
01:03:06,282 --> 01:03:11,721
BY ANYTHING AT ALL

1143
01:03:11,721 --> 01:03:13,890
DEEP IN THE NIGHT

1144
01:03:13,890 --> 01:03:15,525
I'M WAITING FOR THE CALL ♪

1145
01:03:15,525 --> 01:03:17,661
♪ AND THERE'S A RINGING

1146
01:03:17,661 --> 01:03:19,329
WHEN YOU TALK TO ME

1147
01:03:19,329 --> 01:03:20,930
TALK TO ME ♪

1148
01:03:20,930 --> 01:03:22,565
♪ RINGING WHEN YOU

1149
01:03:22,565 --> 01:03:25,835
TALK TO ME

1150
01:03:25,835 --> 01:03:27,470
TALK TO ME ♪

1151
01:03:27,470 --> 01:03:32,909
♪ I'M GOING DULL

1152
01:03:32,909 --> 01:03:41,084
I'M GOING DULL

1153
01:03:41,084 --> 01:03:44,888
I'M GOING DULL

1154
01:03:44,888 --> 01:03:52,062
I'M GOING DULL ♪

1155
01:03:52,062 --> 01:03:55,365
♪♪

1156
01:03:55,365 --> 01:04:03,006
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1157
01:04:09,479 --> 01:04:11,881
Every
day, somewhere in the world,

1158
01:04:11,881 --> 01:04:14,517
something unbelievable
happens to someone,

1159
01:04:14,517 --> 01:04:17,954
something that challenges
the very core of what we believe

1160
01:04:17,954 --> 01:04:18,955
every day.

1161
01:04:19,155 --> 01:04:22,859
Somewhere in the world, someone
experiences the impossible.

1162
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:27,964
This is amazing. Tales of truth.

1163
01:04:27,964 --> 01:04:29,499
Doctor, please.

1164
01:04:29,499 --> 01:04:32,902
There must be some way to wake
my father from this coma.

1165
01:04:32,902 --> 01:04:36,439
I'm sorry, ma'am, there's.
There's nothing we can do.

1166
01:04:36,439 --> 01:04:38,408
What if I say.

1167
01:04:38,408 --> 01:04:40,477
What do you mean?

1168
01:04:40,477 --> 01:04:43,380
Well, my father's
always loved my singing.

1169
01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:45,915
Maybe it will wake him.

1170
01:04:45,915 --> 01:04:46,416
Ma'am.

1171
01:04:46,783 --> 01:04:48,752
I'm sorry,
but there's no medical reason

1172
01:04:48,752 --> 01:04:52,455
why that would work. Well,
I have to try.

1173
01:04:52,455 --> 01:04:58,461
Papa, if you can hear me,
this is for you.

1174
01:04:58,461 --> 01:05:05,602
Somewhere over the rainbow

1175
01:05:05,602 --> 01:05:11,341
way up high.

1176
01:05:11,341 --> 01:05:22,719
There is other land that
I've heard of once in a lullaby.

1177
01:05:22,719 --> 01:05:29,893
Somewhere over the rainbow.

1178
01:05:29,893 --> 01:05:35,064
Skies are blue.

1179
01:05:35,064 --> 01:05:42,472
And the
dreams that you dare to dream.

1180
01:05:42,472 --> 01:05:49,779
Really do come true.

1181
01:05:49,779 --> 01:05:51,514
Did it work?

1182
01:05:51,514 --> 01:05:55,285
It did not.

1183
01:05:55,285 --> 01:05:57,954
It's not how comas work.

1184
01:05:57,954 --> 01:05:59,155
This guy got hit by a bus.

1185
01:05:59,155 --> 01:06:02,091
The hell?
Singing a song going to do

1186
01:06:02,091 --> 01:06:03,960
you see, every day,
somewhere in the world,

1187
01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:07,397
something unbelievable
happens to someone. But this.

1188
01:06:07,397 --> 01:06:09,732
This was not one of those things

1189
01:06:09,732 --> 01:06:10,433
that day,

1190
01:06:10,767 --> 01:06:13,670
a guy in Croatia floated
off the ground for a bit,

1191
01:06:13,670 --> 01:06:15,872
but no one was around
to film it.

1192
01:06:15,872 --> 01:06:19,542
God, I wish we had that footage,
but we don't.

1193
01:06:19,542 --> 01:06:23,213
But maybe we will. Next time on

1194
01:06:23,213 --> 01:06:25,682
Amazing Tales of Truth.

1195
01:06:35,825 --> 01:06:37,861
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH TO

1196
01:06:37,861 --> 01:06:41,631
TURNSTILE. TAYLOR SWIFT

1197
01:06:41,631 --> 01:06:43,032
THANK YOU FOR HAVING MY BIRTHDAY

1198
01:06:43,032 --> 01:06:44,234
WITH ME!

1199
01:06:44,234 --> 01:06:47,003
I LOVE YOU GUYS!

1200
01:06:47,003 --> 01:06:51,808
THANK YOU, LORNE

1201
01:06:51,808 --> 01:06:59,883
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1202
01:06:59,883 --> 01:07:15,031
♪♪