1
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:11,678
Oh, man, I
heard this is the scariest ride.

2
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,680
The scariest ride
at Fright Nights.

3
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,816
I look, you might pass out.
You okay?

4
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:18,518
You threatened to pass out on
nearly every ride so far, Cali.

5
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:19,887
So either just do it or don't.

6
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:23,223
Just stop talking about it,
please.

7
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:25,325
Hell, come.

8
00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:29,162
I'll be your ghoulish guide
through this creepy crypt

9
00:00:29,162 --> 00:00:33,534
which houses history's
most heinous homicidal haunts

10
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,702
and the way we go.

11
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,804
Hold on to your headstones.

12
00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:42,242
We've arrived at our first tomb.

13
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:45,679
Lizzie Borden, dressed in red.

14
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:51,685
Swung her action,
chopped off the head.

15
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:55,255
Okay, that was insane.

16
00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:56,623
I'm literally going to pass out.

17
00:00:56,623 --> 00:01:01,862
Pass out. Then. God.

18
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,398
Our tour of terror
has just begun,

19
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:10,404
and the next gruesome
grave is dead ahead.

20
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,844
What?

21
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:22,683
Hi, I█m David Pumpkins

22
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,785
And I'm going.

23
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:26,720
To freak you out.

24
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:52,779
You. Any questions?

25
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:56,984
Oh. Yes.

26
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,386
Who are you?

27
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:02,990
David Pumpkins, man

28
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,025
Okay.

29
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:08,295
And David Pumpkins is,

30
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:11,999
Halloween guy.

31
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:14,701
And the skeletons are.

32
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:18,038
Next to him.

33
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,874
Why are you on this ride?

34
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:25,312
Two words. Midterms.

35
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,681
Boom, boom.

36
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,884
It's me, Donald Trump.
You're one true God.

37
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,086
Pausing SNL skit yet again.

38
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:35,522
Are you sad
you don't get to see your third

39
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,891
David Pumpkin scene?

40
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,159
I'll save you four minutes.

41
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,894
He keeps popping up
and confusing

42
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:44,297
the people on the right.
The end.

43
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,167
But, you know, I actually have
a lot in common with Mr.

44
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,735
Pumpkins.

45
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:52,539
We both appeared in 2016.
We're both very loud,

46
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:57,210
very orange,
and very frankly, annoying.

47
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:58,812
But we love Tom Hanks.

48
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:04,351
Look at him back there.
Good acting, great ass.

49
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,119
He's a great ass on Hanks.

50
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:10,590
That's something I've been doing
lately. Admiring men's asses.

51
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,125
Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

52
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,429
Just that I might be gay.

53
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,398
They're calling it gay dementia.

54
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:20,600
Dementia is short for dementia.

55
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:26,173
Show me their butts. Wow.
That's actually pretty creative.

56
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:30,744
Oh, so I've been making odd
noises.

57
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,779
Remember that?
What the hell was that?

58
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:36,149
Probably a soul
trying to leave body

59
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,419
out there. Sound just dropped.
It's probably fine.

60
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:39,986
If you were

61
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,890
with the Epstein stuff,
you're probably fine with it.

62
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,759
But the midterms are on Tuesday,

63
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:52,132
and the polls say
we're doing very badly.

64
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:57,137
And they're saying Texas is
dirty purple, just like my hand.

65
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,405
And if it goes blue, then

66
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:01,408
just like my hand,
I will leave it for dead.

67
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:02,876
We can't let that happen.

68
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,978
So you gotta vote for that off
again.

69
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,582
Paxton. God, what an
ugly son of a bitch. I hate,

70
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,816
I hate get Paxton.

71
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:13,987
But you gotta vote for our guys.
We can't have this Tyler freak

72
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,056
who is, frankly, much better
looking. And.

73
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,892
Wow, what a dynamite ass.
I'm jealous.

74
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,762
It's like a pillowcase
full of cobras back there.

75
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:25,665
Things that make you go, oh.

76
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,968
Look at them.
They're still frozen back there.

77
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:30,871
They have to stay there
the whole time.

78
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,739
I don't.

79
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:36,309
Of course
not. Getting, Yes. Why not? You?

80
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:37,911
Hey, by the way,
thank you for that donation.

81
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,045
That was really generous.

82
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,247
Oh. Yeah.

83
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:45,352
You wish. Bitch.

84
00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:47,721
Like you even.

85
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,556
Look for Bobby
Moynihan back there.

86
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:53,994
He flew in for this evening.

87
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,129
Thanks for shaving, Bobby.

88
00:04:56,129 --> 00:05:00,467
Really, really

89
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,369
smells
like pepper in this pizzeria.

90
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:02,769
Oh, no.

91
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,539
He had a great year
and job still back there.

92
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:06,840
Do but wait, if he's here,

93
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,243
who's narrating
World War Two documentary,

94
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,244
you know who it should be?

95
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:11,845
My new friend

96
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:18,185
and future press secretary,
the late, great Nicki Minaj.

97
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,587
What's up, Nicki Minaj?

98
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:25,392
I'm out here killing it.
And by it I mean in my career

99
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:26,960
I'm Nicki the Trumpy.

100
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,897
Like, I don't even know why you
Democrats bother at this point.

101
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:34,367
Like, give it up.
It's me. I'm not good.

102
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:39,472
But she's like me. It's
hard to come by.

103
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,075
But thank you, Nicki.

104
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,443
She's got quite an ass.

105
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:46,980
If only it were on a man.
Perhaps then I could admire.

106
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,850
So happy Halloween.
And remember to vote Republican.

107
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,119
Because if these Democrats win
and they get all that power,

108
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:56,656
they will do nothing,
just like the last time.

109
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:59,993
But now it's time to say
the big line and start the show.

110
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:03,096
And I'd like to give someone
a chance to redeem herself.

111
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:06,499
My former press secretary, Katie
Zachariah. Come on out. Great.

112
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:14,574
With confidence.

113
00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:18,812
Live from New York

114
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,481
and from so many cities.
No, no, no.

115
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:26,019
You went whiffed it.
Tom don't you take this one

116
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,622
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

117
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,791
SATURDAY NIGHT!

118
00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:37,197
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

119
00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:40,567
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

120
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:40,820
MUSICAL GUEST GRACIE ABRAMS.

121
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:45,091
AND YOUR HOST, INDE NAVARRETTE.

122
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:49,763
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- INDE

123
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,999
NAVARRETTE!

124
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,335
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

125
00:08:55,335 --> 00:09:07,380
♪♪

126
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:12,452
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

127
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,754
Thank you.

128
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:20,060
Thank you. Thank you. Very much.
I am so excited to be here.

129
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:25,698
You probably know me
from the movie obsession.

130
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:27,400
And a lot of people ask me
if I'm

131
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,902
anything like my character,
Nicky.

132
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,504
And I'm like, no,

133
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:35,275
no, no, don't do that.

134
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,677
But the thing is, is I'm
nothing like my character.

135
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:38,311
An obsession.

136
00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:39,913
Like my boyfriend is here
tonight to support me.

137
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:45,218
We have such a chill
relationship, right, honey?

138
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,653
Good Job,

139
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:49,722
But I loved making obsession,

140
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:51,157
and I can't believe
I'm saying this,

141
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:54,427
but I'm going to be
in a marvel movie.

142
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,196
Yeah. Yeah.

143
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,664
And I know it's really important

144
00:09:57,664 --> 00:09:59,199
for Marvel
that you get really fit.

145
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,733
So I've been working out a lot.

146
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:02,569
So every morning
I put on my little whore

147
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,270
outfit and I hit the gym.

148
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:14,013
Anyway, for anyone who knows me
only as Nicky.

149
00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:15,615
Tonight I'm here is Inde

150
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,251
A lot of people ask
me, Is Inde short for Indiana

151
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:21,621
But really it's long for D

152
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,590
And I'm so excited
to be hosting tonight

153
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:27,994
because it's the Halloween
episode. Yeah.

154
00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:30,597
And my favorite holiday
is Halloween.

155
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,099
And since none of, like,
a cast could go out tonight,

156
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,468
I thought they could just
show off their costumes here.

157
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,771
Hey, Inde. Oh! Hey, Marcello!

158
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:43,276
Oh, I love your costume.
Are you, like, a TSA agent?

159
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:47,680
Close.
I'm a sexy TSA agent, right?

160
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,717
How? Like. Just like.

161
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:52,285
Hey, girl,

162
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:56,923
take those shoes off and go
stand in my big nasty machine

163
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:58,258
like this.

164
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:02,262
Oh, okay. Creative,
I love it. Yeah.

165
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,497
You go your flight over. Yeah.

166
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:08,268
Whoa!

167
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:11,971
Yeah. I'm sorry. Who are you?
I'm the bad lady.

168
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:14,774
The bad with the blood.
Elizabeth Holmes.

169
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,543
I don't know

170
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,844
why people won't
stop talking about it.

171
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,646
I'm just trying to meet them
halfway. Right?

172
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:21,881
Right. Well,
you could have fooled me.

173
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:25,919
Oh, Jeremy. Whoa!
You're Wolverine!

174
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,220
That's right.

175
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,923
I know you were cast as rogue
in the new X-Men

176
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,025
movie,
and I randomly heard they, like.

177
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:35,762
I guess they haven't even cast
Wolverine yet. Oh, I'm so sorry.

178
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:37,363
I actually, I actually can't.

179
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:37,997
Comment on that.

180
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:43,570
Well, I can, and I'd love to be
in the movie with you

181
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,371
Get away from. Me. Yeah. Okay.
Thank you.

182
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:49,309
Thank you, thank you. Great.
You're a bird. Yeah.

183
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:54,614
Oh my God. It's actually
a group costume. Oh, sure. Yeah.

184
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,816
I want to buy the bird.

185
00:11:56,816 --> 00:12:01,688
Oh, no, I got it. Kelly
Clarkson, sell these damn birds.

186
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:05,692
I am not for sale.
Give me the bird.

187
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:08,728
I want to buy the toy birds.

188
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:12,765
Yes, yes yes, yes.

189
00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:13,800
Well, now it really.

190
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,203
Feels like Halloween.

191
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:20,039
So let's do it.
We've got a great show tonight.

192
00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:23,476
Gracie Abrams is here, so stick
around. We'll be right back.

193
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,527
All right,
folks, we come to the last

194
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,530
stop on our ghosts of the Queen
Mary tour.

195
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,033
This is the famous promenade
deck, okay?

196
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:51,904
Which is said to be the most
haunted area on the ship.

197
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:54,674
Sir, I think I see a ghost.

198
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:59,112
This creepy woman next to me
is so pale. She must be dead.

199
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,047
Hey, you know I'm not dead,
Alan.

200
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,716
I'm your wife.

201
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,917
Okey dokey.

202
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:05,785
Well,

203
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:08,788
many people claim to have seen
the spirits of passengers

204
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:12,125
from the 1930s
wandering this deck at night.

205
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,361
Let's see if we can make contact
to any spirits here.

206
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:18,698
We ask that you make yourself
known.

207
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:24,671
Wait, wait,
I think I see something.

208
00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:26,673
Young man,

209
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:32,679
my name is Judith Hollins,
and I have secrets to reveal.

210
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,915
Her name is Judith Hollins,
and she has secrets to reveal.

211
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,385
Judith Collins,
that was a wealthy heiress

212
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,354
who died on the Queen
Mary in the 30s.

213
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,257
They say she hid her priceless
diamonds on.

214
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,926
Oh, she's saying something.

215
00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:51,197
If you wish to find my hidden
treasure, listen close.

216
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:54,634
First you must go. Hey.

217
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:59,272
Hi. I'm going
swimming at the pool.

218
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,808
Okay.

219
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:06,245
I'm gonna swim and jump
and do different dives.

220
00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:07,447
Come swimming.

221
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:11,551
Come on, come on. My sister's
coming to look hot. Yes.

222
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,553
We're going
swimming in the pool. Yes.

223
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,188
Come with us. Yes. Come on.

224
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,990
The pool is this way.
Come on. Come with us.

225
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:21,661
Come on. We're going swimming.
Yes. Come on. Come on with us.

226
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:26,165
And that is where my treasure
lies.

227
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:28,434
Did she tell you
where her diamonds are?

228
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:32,405
Yeah, but I didn't hear her
because she's super happy.

229
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:37,276
1930s blond kids
were inviting me to go swimming.

230
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,546
Well, ask her to tell you again,
ma'am. Okay.

231
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,182
Miss Holland,
can you repeat that?

232
00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:48,154
Yes, but we must hurry. My time
in this realm is fleeting.

233
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,189
To find my treasure. Go to the

234
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:53,226
little green rings.

235
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,129
We're bringing them swimming.
They sink in the water.

236
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,897
We're
gonna throw this in the pool.

237
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,333
Come on. Yes! You have to.
Come on. And guess what?

238
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,702
Our dad's coming to.

239
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:06,606
Yes, yes. His swimming
costume is incredible.

240
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,575
The door Di's swimming costume.
We promise. Yes.

241
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:12,845
And my sister will keep us
entertained. She's so talented.

242
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,380
Show them.

243
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:16,315
Oh my God!

244
00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:22,088
Oh my gosh! Oh, yes. She's
going to do that while we swim.

245
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:25,958
It's crazy. The pool's this way.
Come on, you have to go.

246
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:31,931
And that's where my treasure
lies.

247
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:35,768
Oh, my God, I missed it again.

248
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:40,706
The kids came back to glaze
their dad's swimming costume.

249
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,843
Why are you talking to kids,
weirdo?

250
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,946
Get the rich lady back.
I'm trying.

251
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,849
Miss Holland,
I wish to speak with you again.

252
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:51,517
Wait, wait.

253
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:55,688
I see something.

254
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,590
Hello.

255
00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:01,260
My children told me you wanted
to see my swimming costume.

256
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:05,198
Come see it in
water at the pool. Look.

257
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:09,268
Isn't it amazing? Like that
swimming costume?

258
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:09,836
Look at it.

259
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:14,073
No, you overhyped it so much.

260
00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:16,075
Spin around. Here.

261
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:20,713
Look at this. Float on a sleigh.
Hey! Come swimming with us.

262
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,382
Come on.
Why did you call for me?

263
00:16:23,382 --> 00:16:27,787
No, no. No, she can't talk.
He wants to come swimming.

264
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,857
Come swimming with us.
I don't know how to swim.

265
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,125
Neither do we.
We'll figure it out.

266
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:36,462
Come on. Yes. Swimming with us.
Swimming with us.

267
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:39,966
Let's go swimming with us.

268
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,702
Yes. And what happened?

269
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,604
Well,
everyone left to go swimming,

270
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:48,774
but I think I know how
they all died.

271
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:49,876
I mean, they probably drowned

272
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,144
because they said
they didn't know how to swim.

273
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:55,081
Wait,
wait. Do you guys see that?

274
00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:56,749
No. What do you see?

275
00:16:56,749 --> 00:17:00,820
A woman radiating a white,
blinding light.

276
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:05,458
She's my pale ass wife.

277
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,332
At Delta.

278
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:17,203
We strive to provide a safe,
enjoyable flight to everyone.

279
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:21,674
Unfortunately, incidents of
unruly behavior are on the rise.

280
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,809
Nobody should have to deal
with the stress

281
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,078
of a disorderly passenger
on their flight,

282
00:17:26,078 --> 00:17:30,416
and now they won't have to.
Introducing Delta disruptive.

283
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:36,489
A new section of the plane
exclusively for crazy people.

284
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:38,257
Hey, hey. Hey.

285
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:41,093
I see the Illuminati
are eating the kids

286
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,596
What have you got to do?
I won't let them.

287
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,531
You see, Delta
didn't want to deal

288
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:49,568
with the constant problems
these passengers create, but

289
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,170
we still wanted their money.

290
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:54,540
So whether you're a basic,
inconsiderate A-hole

291
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:56,075
or a paranoid lunatic

292
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,210
who tries to open the door
mid-flight, this.

293
00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:03,416
Plane is made out of Israel.
Delta disruptive is for you.

294
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:07,053
But usually they, like
you can't wear that.

295
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,121
You can see your whole ass.

296
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:11,324
But now I can wear
whatever I want

297
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:14,660
and so I'm ready to leave.
I was really going on one.

298
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,396
This bitch behind me is not real

299
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:21,167
and that she is a shadow person
that only I can see in Delta.

300
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:21,901
Disruptive.

301
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:27,106
I can be who I want to be
and read what I want to read.

302
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,642
And they
never make you check your bag

303
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:33,145
Because if you say no, finish,
you don't fit.

304
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,281
There are some rules in Delta
disruptive.

305
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,950
For instance, you can't
stab people with a pen.

306
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,687
Even if they're in your seat.

307
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,323
Okay okay okay okay.

308
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:47,560
But almost
anything else is fine.

309
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,661
And if you're worried that

310
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,630
a section full of crazy
people won't be safe,

311
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:54,100
don't be all delta disruptive
flight

312
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,836
attendants are the toughest,
gayest

313
00:18:56,836 --> 00:19:00,106
Spirit Airlines employees
who have seen much worse.

314
00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:01,807
Oh hell. No. What did I say?

315
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,343
If you're damn comfort iguana
bit another passenger,

316
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:05,511
I was going to throw you out
the plane.

317
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:08,014
Give me a goddamn lizard

318
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,986
Now I'm going to go back
to watch pornagraphy

319
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,187
of feeds on my phone.

320
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:18,290
And thanks to a four inch thick
acoustic plexiglass,

321
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:21,627
regular passengers won't be
bothered by anyone in Delta.

322
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:24,797
Disruptive, no matter
what's going on back there.

323
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,233
So stop being met
by law enforcement

324
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:29,168
when you land and start flying.

325
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,302
Delta disruptive.

326
00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:33,139
Currently available on all
domestic flights within Florida.

327
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:36,008
Oh, you think I wasn't gonna
find your second iguana bitch?

328
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:49,622
It's the
uninterested woman game show.

329
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,758
And here's your host.

330
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,728
Hello. Hello.
My name is Sephora Outlet.

331
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,864
And welcome to the Uninterested
Women Game show.

332
00:19:58,864 --> 00:19:59,532
The game show

333
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,866
where a woman is up front

334
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,369
about not being interested
in three bachelors,

335
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:07,840
and they compete to react
appropriately. Let's meet Kelly.

336
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,376
Hi, I'm Kelly, I'm from Texas.

337
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:13,179
I'm a lesbian and I'm married.

338
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,380
The most I'm looking for

339
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,382
is three minutes
of polite conversation

340
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,983
while I wait for my bagel
to be ready.

341
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:22,588
I'm not interested in dating.
And let's meet our gentleman.

342
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:26,692
Okay.

343
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:31,063
Bad start, but let's get to know
these guys a little better.

344
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,566
Hey, I'm Dan, I believe
in a woman's right to boogie.

345
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:37,002
And I'm super psyched
about Kelly.

346
00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:38,170
And I'm Keith.

347
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:41,173
I'm a professional rat wrangler
with Covid.

348
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,008
I'm worried
that I'm too good for Kelly,

349
00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:44,210
but I am in love with her,

350
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:47,346
and I'm willing
to see where this goes.

351
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:48,180
And I'm Evan.

352
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,316
I work out five times a week.

353
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:52,685
Much like
all my favorite podcasters.

354
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:56,355
I only do arms,
which is why I look so weird.

355
00:20:56,355 --> 00:21:00,793
And, Yeah,
I'd like to date Kelly.

356
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:05,097
That's great. A reminder,
Kelly is not interested.

357
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:09,502
And why are we, like, vibing?

358
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:11,470
Okay,
time for our first challenge.

359
00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:13,606
Three minutes at the deli.

360
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,875
Kelly is waiting for her bagel.

361
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:18,544
She's wearing headphones
and staring straight ahead.

362
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:19,979
What do you do?

363
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:23,916
Excuse me, I'm Keith,
I'm Keith. What?

364
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:27,887
I'm Keith. Do you have a name?
Oh, I'm Kelly. Oh, cool.

365
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:29,088
Do you want to get a drink
right now?

366
00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:32,324
I know all the spots
that are open in the morning.

367
00:21:32,324 --> 00:21:33,225
No thank you.

368
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:34,627
Man, you're so mysterious.

369
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:35,528
I'm like,

370
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:38,531
I don't even know her
name, you know, said it's Kelly.

371
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,866
Oh, yeah, I forgot.

372
00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:43,369
So, Keith, how
do you feel about how that went?

373
00:21:43,369 --> 00:21:44,970
Really good.
We have plans later.

374
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:45,538
No we don't.

375
00:21:46,038 --> 00:21:48,941
You don't know. You
don't. Kelly, you can come back.

376
00:21:48,941 --> 00:21:51,210
I'm so sorry about that.

377
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:54,079
Kelly, do you have any questions
for our bachelors?

378
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:57,383
Yes. Personality is very
important to me and a person.

379
00:21:57,383 --> 00:21:59,418
I'll be alone with them. Public
even briefly.

380
00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:02,521
So tell me something
about yourself.

381
00:22:02,521 --> 00:22:03,923
Well, I'm a family man,

382
00:22:03,923 --> 00:22:05,691
and my family is
currently mad at me

383
00:22:05,691 --> 00:22:07,793
because I moved my computer
to the garage.

384
00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:12,531
And every time I come out, my
opinions are a little different.

385
00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:17,469
Even I'm six foot
negative three.

386
00:22:17,469 --> 00:22:20,139
Every female flight attendant,
waitress, nurse,

387
00:22:20,139 --> 00:22:21,807
dentist, and female bartender

388
00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:24,043
I've ever met
has been in love with me.

389
00:22:24,043 --> 00:22:26,812
And, Yeah, I'm dating Kelly.

390
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:30,616
You're not, but you're not.
You're not dating Kelly, right?

391
00:22:30,616 --> 00:22:31,617
Dane?

392
00:22:31,617 --> 00:22:34,520
Well,
my height is five foot zero,

393
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,922
but my penis is five inch zero.

394
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:43,462
But my penis. No no no no no no.

395
00:22:43,462 --> 00:22:45,698
Stop.

396
00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:46,966
I forgot to say my height.

397
00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:51,470
I'm six foot five.
If you measure from the ceiling.

398
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:53,205
You guys don't have to say
your height.

399
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:56,575
But, I think about my height
like, a thousand times that.

400
00:22:56,575 --> 00:22:57,843
Well, height.

401
00:22:57,843 --> 00:23:01,013
Okay, height is a medium
important to women at most.

402
00:23:01,013 --> 00:23:07,586
Well, if that's true,
then explain my whole worldview.

403
00:23:07,586 --> 00:23:08,721
Next question.

404
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:12,191
Why do you think Kelly doesn't
want to date you?

405
00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:16,328
This could be wrong. I'm just,
like, working an idea out loud.

406
00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:18,297
She's a bitch.

407
00:23:18,297 --> 00:23:25,337
No, she's confused
because she's sick.

408
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:29,208
The answer I was looking for is
Kelly is a married lesbian

409
00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:31,377
on an errand.

410
00:23:31,377 --> 00:23:34,146
I am on an errand to date Kelly.

411
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:35,547
Kelly doesn't want to date you.

412
00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:37,149
Whatever.
She's probably lesbian.

413
00:23:37,149 --> 00:23:40,452
She is lesbian.
She is. She is a lesbian.

414
00:23:40,452 --> 00:23:41,887
She said that? Well, I'm just.

415
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:45,758
Going to say one more time.
She hasn't met me at all.

416
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:48,127
She has.

417
00:23:55,034 --> 00:23:56,902
Okay, we'll be right back.

418
00:23:56,902 --> 00:24:00,839
I don't I don't know,
I don't know, I don't want to

419
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,990
Thank you,
everyone, for being here today.

420
00:24:17,990 --> 00:24:23,562
We all know
my husband was an eccentric man.

421
00:24:23,562 --> 00:24:30,869
He was devoted to his work,
and he made unbelievable things.

422
00:24:30,869 --> 00:24:31,804
Even at the end.

423
00:24:32,004 --> 00:24:39,812
He spent his final days
alone in his workshop building.

424
00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:42,548
God knows what

425
00:24:42,548 --> 00:24:45,217
I'm. What can I say?

426
00:24:45,217 --> 00:24:49,321
My husband loved his inventions.

427
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:55,327
And he liked his wife.

428
00:24:55,327 --> 00:25:42,641
♪♪

429
00:25:42,641 --> 00:25:46,278
What's your name? PD 44.

430
00:25:46,278 --> 00:25:50,382
How about I call you PD

431
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:53,752
So what do you do? PD?

432
00:25:53,752 --> 00:25:56,321
Oh not sure

433
00:25:56,321 --> 00:26:02,661
Well PD looks like
it's just me and you, buddy.

434
00:26:02,661 --> 00:26:05,097
Think you can help me watch
this?

435
00:26:05,097 --> 00:26:10,302
Still don't know what your
purpose is. That makes two of us

436
00:26:10,302 --> 00:26:23,315
♪♪

437
00:26:23,315 --> 00:26:28,921
Yeah, yeah I miss him too.

438
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:33,158
Not much of a dinner

439
00:26:33,158 --> 00:26:37,162
You know I like where
your head's that.

440
00:26:37,162 --> 00:26:54,179
♪♪

441
00:26:54,179 --> 00:26:55,414
It's time.

442
00:26:55,414 --> 00:26:58,717
PD

443
00:26:58,717 --> 00:27:10,529
♪♪

444
00:27:10,529 --> 00:27:15,667
He is kind of cute.

445
00:27:15,667 --> 00:27:18,937
It's a match.

446
00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:38,323
♪♪

447
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:41,059
I have had a wonderful night.

448
00:27:41,059 --> 00:27:42,127
Me, too.

449
00:27:42,127 --> 00:27:45,297
Would you maybe
like to come in for a nightcap?

450
00:27:45,297 --> 00:27:47,566
I'd like that very much. Good.

451
00:27:47,566 --> 00:27:52,404
Because there's someone
I want you to meet.

452
00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:56,441
I'm home.

453
00:27:56,441 --> 00:27:58,143
Oh, Petey.

454
00:27:58,143 --> 00:28:01,013
This is my new friend. Hi, PD.

455
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:02,347
My name is Tom.

456
00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:08,320
I've heard so much about you.

457
00:28:11,256 --> 00:28:13,825
What?

458
00:28:19,298 --> 00:28:21,500
No no no no no
no no no no no no.

459
00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,268
Oh

460
00:28:23,268 --> 00:28:26,104
Oh my god oh my penis.

461
00:28:26,104 --> 00:28:31,410
You're robot ripped my penis
off. PD stands for Penis
Destroyer.

462
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,515
Great.

463
00:28:36,515 --> 00:28:38,317
Shot my penis to the moon.

464
00:28:38,317 --> 00:28:43,188
That's awesome. Yeah. You know,
let me get you.

465
00:28:43,188 --> 00:28:48,627
No no no no no no no no.

466
00:28:48,627 --> 00:28:54,600
♪♪

467
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,270
He did love me.

468
00:28:58,270 --> 00:29:03,976
My husband
love me after all. Oh.

469
00:29:03,976 --> 00:29:10,716
♪♪

470
00:29:13,352 --> 00:29:14,553
We now return.

471
00:29:20,325 --> 00:29:22,594
Estefania.

472
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:26,598
How dare you drink wine when you
are pregnant with my son?

473
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,167
I am not pregnant. Your son?

474
00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:32,671
Because I slept
with your father.

475
00:29:32,671 --> 00:29:40,212
Which means the baby in
your belly is me.

476
00:29:40,212 --> 00:29:42,114
And cut!

477
00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:44,216
Yes. Incredible, incredible.

478
00:29:44,216 --> 00:29:48,954
Take. Rodrigo. Selena,
your chemistry is fantastico.

479
00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:51,056
I can see why this show
gets middle aged.

480
00:29:51,056 --> 00:29:53,158
Women. Are hot and bothered.

481
00:29:53,158 --> 00:29:55,827
And can I just say it's
such an honor to be down here?

482
00:29:55,827 --> 00:29:59,865
What's the city called again?
Guadalajara. Yes. Voila. Gucci

483
00:29:59,865 --> 00:30:02,934
directing
El Corazon que lo siente

484
00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:05,570
Now for the next scene.
This is exciting.

485
00:30:05,570 --> 00:30:09,408
Our friends at sprite have paid
for some product placement.

486
00:30:09,408 --> 00:30:11,610
Yes, we sure have. Hi.

487
00:30:11,610 --> 00:30:14,646
Todd Tucker
and Shana Tine from sprite.

488
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,683
Yes, we're here because we're
debuting a brand new flavor.

489
00:30:17,683 --> 00:30:21,286
Sprite cherry lime habanero.

490
00:30:21,286 --> 00:30:23,488
And we would love if you guys

491
00:30:23,488 --> 00:30:26,658
worked it into the scene
and whatever way makes sense.

492
00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,927
Oh, yes. Well,
these two are amazing.

493
00:30:28,927 --> 00:30:30,295
I'm sure they can handle it.

494
00:30:30,295 --> 00:30:32,831
I'll just fly
that spray bottle into you.

495
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,099
All right, let's go for the top.

496
00:30:34,099 --> 00:30:35,500
El Corazon.

497
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:39,838
Season three, episode 6095

498
00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:43,041
and action!

499
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:46,178
Gustavo, you are alive!

500
00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:50,649
I thought you had died.
No, I did not. I died.

501
00:30:50,649 --> 00:30:56,555
It was my twin brother
who exploded. Oh,

502
00:30:56,555 --> 00:31:01,827
but I can see there's already
been another man in this house.

503
00:31:01,827 --> 00:31:04,930
A sex criminal.

504
00:31:04,930 --> 00:31:06,898
How could you say that?

505
00:31:06,898 --> 00:31:13,205
Because only an obese pervert
would drink this.

506
00:31:13,205 --> 00:31:16,875
Oh, and sprite.
Cherry. Lime habanero.

507
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:19,478
It's bad, but they pay for this.

508
00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:23,014
Oh. I'm sorry, can we cut this?
No, no, I agree, I agree.

509
00:31:23,014 --> 00:31:24,616
That was electric.

510
00:31:24,616 --> 00:31:26,685
Every abuela watching
this is going

511
00:31:26,685 --> 00:31:29,054
to be rubbing it out like an 80s
deejay.

512
00:31:33,191 --> 00:31:34,493
Right.

513
00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:37,696
But maybe in this next take,
you don't say that.

514
00:31:37,696 --> 00:31:40,499
Only a pervert
would drink our product.

515
00:31:40,499 --> 00:31:42,300
You don't even have to talk
about the sprite.

516
00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:44,503
Maybe just take a sip of it.

517
00:31:44,503 --> 00:31:47,105
Yeah. So maybe
we don't talk about the sprite.

518
00:31:47,105 --> 00:31:50,575
We just take a sip of it.

519
00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:52,144
Exactly. Yeah.

520
00:31:52,144 --> 00:31:53,478
We just want to see
the characters

521
00:31:53,478 --> 00:31:57,616
we love enjoying the drink
we adore. Action

522
00:31:57,616 --> 00:31:59,584
Gustavo.

523
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:01,086
I am so happy with your twin

524
00:32:01,086 --> 00:32:04,489
brother who had a split
and not you. Here.

525
00:32:04,489 --> 00:32:08,660
Drink this. Oh.

526
00:32:08,660 --> 00:32:14,232
Oh. It's poison.

527
00:32:14,232 --> 00:32:15,534
You poisoned me.

528
00:32:15,534 --> 00:32:20,806
It is. Not poison. What?

529
00:32:20,806 --> 00:32:23,508
Oh, it is poison.

530
00:32:23,508 --> 00:32:26,144
How dare you spit in my face?

531
00:32:26,144 --> 00:32:32,083
Oh. I do your smile.

532
00:32:32,083 --> 00:32:36,988
The sprite has made me hit
a woman.

533
00:32:36,988 --> 00:32:40,559
Cut! Yeah, I agree.

534
00:32:40,559 --> 00:32:42,694
I agree that did not work.

535
00:32:42,694 --> 00:32:46,965
I am over here
as soft as a rock. Oh,

536
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:48,567
guys. I'm sorry.

537
00:32:48,567 --> 00:32:50,735
I hate to sound
like a corporate drone,

538
00:32:50,735 --> 00:32:54,339
but we really need you to say
that the sprite tastes good.

539
00:32:54,339 --> 00:32:57,609
Yes, but the problem is,
it tastes bad. Yes.

540
00:32:57,609 --> 00:32:58,543
And what she's saying.

541
00:32:58,543 --> 00:32:59,411
If you don't understand.

542
00:32:59,544 --> 00:33:01,179
He said that the sprite
that doesn't taste good,

543
00:33:01,179 --> 00:33:03,648
it tastes bad.
We know it tastes bad.

544
00:33:03,648 --> 00:33:06,985
We know we wanted it
to taste good and it doesn't.

545
00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:11,756
We know we used AI
to make it okay.

546
00:33:11,756 --> 00:33:15,494
And for the first time
in history, AI screwed up.

547
00:33:15,494 --> 00:33:18,763
But we still have to sell
the product. Yeah.

548
00:33:18,763 --> 00:33:20,432
Okay. Okay.

549
00:33:20,432 --> 00:33:21,800
I have an idea.

550
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:25,303
Selena. Follow me.
Come on. Oh, yeah. Yes. Perfect.

551
00:33:25,303 --> 00:33:29,641
Okay. Okay. Yes. Ready?

552
00:33:29,641 --> 00:33:32,110
Actually, it's the vanilla.

553
00:33:32,110 --> 00:33:34,846
You're pregnant?

554
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:38,383
It's true, but it is not yours.

555
00:33:38,383 --> 00:33:42,254
It is your evil twin
brothers. Oh.

556
00:33:42,254 --> 00:33:47,526
Then this child cannot be born.
We have to solve this problem.

557
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:49,895
I know what to do.

558
00:33:49,895 --> 00:33:52,864
Drink this.

559
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:54,866
That will take care of it.

560
00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:58,203
How did you know?

561
00:33:58,203 --> 00:34:01,306
Oh! Oh! Oh my God!

562
00:34:01,306 --> 00:34:03,575
It's the sprite. Cherry. Lime.

563
00:34:03,575 --> 00:34:06,311
How about it? Burn my body.

564
00:34:06,311 --> 00:34:10,448
It is causing me to die. Oh!

565
00:34:10,448 --> 00:34:13,418
Ha ha! And cut!

566
00:34:13,418 --> 00:34:17,055
Oh, that was fantastic. I agree.

567
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:19,824
I like how the sprite killed
himself.

568
00:34:19,824 --> 00:34:22,294
I'm sorry. What?
How could you like that?

569
00:34:22,294 --> 00:34:26,298
Because I am not who you think
I am.

570
00:34:26,298 --> 00:34:34,439
This whole time
I work for 7UP,

571
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,362
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GRACIE

572
00:34:57,362 --> 00:34:58,263
ABRAMS.

573
00:34:58,263 --> 00:35:03,435
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

574
00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:09,874
♪♪

575
00:35:09,874 --> 00:35:10,642
♪ I'M A CRACK

576
00:35:10,642 --> 00:35:13,144
IN THE PAVEMENT

577
00:35:13,144 --> 00:35:14,646
I'M A SLIPKNOT ♪

578
00:35:14,646 --> 00:35:15,914
♪ I'M AFRAID THAT MY

579
00:35:15,914 --> 00:35:16,881
FORTRESS IS A GLASS BOX

580
00:35:16,881 --> 00:35:18,383
I SHOULD KNOW WHAT

581
00:35:18,383 --> 00:35:20,618
I'M PLAYIN' BUT I FORGOT ♪

582
00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:22,387
♪ FELT GOOD FOR A DAY

583
00:35:22,387 --> 00:35:25,624
BUT THAT STOPPED

584
00:35:25,624 --> 00:35:26,891
AND I ONCE IT SAW CLEARLY

585
00:35:26,891 --> 00:35:28,893
BUT IT'S BLOODSHOT ♪

586
00:35:28,893 --> 00:35:30,895
♪ AND I WANT YOU SO BADLY

587
00:35:30,895 --> 00:35:32,630
BUT I CLOSE OFF

588
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:34,366
LIKE I THOUGHT WE'D GET

589
00:35:34,366 --> 00:35:36,868
MARRIED BUT I GUESS NOT ♪

590
00:35:36,868 --> 00:35:38,636
♪ NOW YOU CAN WATCH ME

591
00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:43,642
HIT THE WALL

592
00:35:43,642 --> 00:35:45,377
I JUST HIT THE WALL ♪

593
00:35:45,377 --> 00:35:47,646
♪ I'M NOT A PROBLEM

594
00:35:47,646 --> 00:35:49,648
YOU CAN SOLVE

595
00:35:49,648 --> 00:35:51,149
WEIGHING THE COST

596
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,385
IMPOSSIBLE ♪

597
00:35:53,385 --> 00:35:54,886
♪ I HIT THE WALL

598
00:35:54,886 --> 00:35:57,155
I HIT THE WALL

599
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,890
I TRY TO BE VIOLENT

600
00:35:58,890 --> 00:36:00,625
BUT I GET CAUGHT ♪

601
00:36:00,625 --> 00:36:02,627
♪ A ROOM FULL OF DOCTORS

602
00:36:02,627 --> 00:36:05,363
AND AN INKBLOT

603
00:36:05,363 --> 00:36:06,898
I'M DRAWN INTO HEADLIGHTS

604
00:36:06,898 --> 00:36:08,900
HAVE A BLIND SPOT ♪

605
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:10,635
♪ PULL OVER AND WAIT

606
00:36:10,635 --> 00:36:13,138
FOR TOO LONG

607
00:36:13,138 --> 00:36:14,672
I WANNA BE STABLE

608
00:36:14,672 --> 00:36:16,908
BUT I DO CAVE ♪

609
00:36:16,908 --> 00:36:18,143
♪ I USE WHEN I'M ABLE

610
00:36:18,143 --> 00:36:21,913
I DOWNGRADE

611
00:36:21,913 --> 00:36:22,881
I BARELY DESERVE IT

612
00:36:22,881 --> 00:36:26,151
IF YOU DO STAY ♪

613
00:36:26,151 --> 00:36:28,386
♪ I WISH YOU WOULD ANYWAY

614
00:36:28,386 --> 00:36:30,388
BUT I HIT THE WALL

615
00:36:30,388 --> 00:36:33,391
I JUST HIT THE WALL ♪

616
00:36:33,391 --> 00:36:35,393
♪ I'M NOT A PROBLEM

617
00:36:35,393 --> 00:36:37,128
YOU CAN SOLVE

618
00:36:37,128 --> 00:36:38,630
WEIGHING THE COST

619
00:36:38,630 --> 00:36:42,167
IMPOSSIBLE ♪

620
00:36:42,167 --> 00:36:42,901
♪ I HIT THE WALL

621
00:36:42,901 --> 00:36:45,637
I HIT THE WALL

622
00:36:45,637 --> 00:36:46,638
A CASE OF YOU PLAYING

623
00:36:46,638 --> 00:36:48,873
IN THE HALLWAY ♪

624
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,375
♪ HALLUCINATIONS THAT I

625
00:36:50,375 --> 00:36:53,378
DOWNPLAY ♪

626
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,879
♪ I'M NUMB 'TIL I'M ACHING

627
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:57,382
FOR THE SHARP PAIN

628
00:36:57,382 --> 00:37:04,389
WATCH MY BLADE RICOCHET ♪

629
00:37:04,389 --> 00:37:05,390
♪ TIME

630
00:37:05,390 --> 00:37:06,357
FUNNY AIN'T IT

631
00:37:06,357 --> 00:37:12,397
FLASHBACKS OF MY LIFE ♪

632
00:37:12,397 --> 00:37:14,899
♪ WHAT A WASTE OH

633
00:37:14,899 --> 00:37:19,637
OH WHAT A SHAME AT NIGHT ♪

634
00:37:19,637 --> 00:37:24,142
♪ FACE TO FACE WITH

635
00:37:24,142 --> 00:37:28,880
EVERY GIRL THAT I TRIED

636
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:34,619
TO PLAY MM ♪

637
00:37:34,619 --> 00:37:36,154
♪ SOONER OR LATER

638
00:37:36,154 --> 00:37:37,655
YOU'LL FIND OUT

639
00:37:37,655 --> 00:37:40,391
I LIVE IN A PATTERN

640
00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:42,160
OF BREAKDOWNS ♪

641
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:43,895
♪ YOU'LL BEND TO MY SILENCE

642
00:37:43,895 --> 00:37:47,132
IT'S SO LOUD

643
00:37:47,132 --> 00:37:48,166
THEN YOU'LL LOSE ME

644
00:37:48,166 --> 00:37:55,640
TO THE CROWD ♪

645
00:37:55,640 --> 00:38:01,379
♪ AND I JUST MIGHT

646
00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:05,383
I JUST MIGHT

647
00:38:05,383 --> 00:38:06,417
I JUST

648
00:38:06,417 --> 00:38:10,622
HIT THE WALL ♪

649
00:38:10,622 --> 00:38:12,123
♪ I'M NOT A PROBLEM

650
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,659
YOU CAN SOLVE

651
00:38:14,659 --> 00:38:15,360
WEIGHING THE COST

652
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:17,896
IMPOSSIBLE ♪

653
00:38:17,896 --> 00:38:19,130
♪ I HIT THE WALL

654
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:28,139
I HIT THE WALL

655
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:31,442
I JUST OH ♪

656
00:38:31,442 --> 00:38:48,092
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

657
00:38:56,668 --> 00:39:02,674
It's Weekend Update with Colin
Jost and Michael Che.

658
00:39:06,744 --> 00:39:12,684
I. Thank you.

659
00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:13,918
Thank you.
Good evening everyone.

660
00:39:13,918 --> 00:39:19,557
Welcome to weekend update I'm
Michael che. I'm Colin Jost.

661
00:39:19,557 --> 00:39:22,227
Well the midterm elections
are only three days away.

662
00:39:22,227 --> 00:39:24,362
And it's not looking good
for Republicans.

663
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,297
But President Trump is laser

664
00:39:26,297 --> 00:39:31,302
focused on the issue
that matters most. Men's asses.

665
00:39:31,302 --> 00:39:36,140
This is how he talked about Ohio
Senate candidate John Houston.

666
00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:42,814
I don't this.

667
00:39:42,814 --> 00:39:48,419
A list of his ass.

668
00:39:48,419 --> 00:39:57,562
I find a pile of muscle.

669
00:39:57,562 --> 00:39:59,931
Just in case you don't know
what it looks like.

670
00:39:59,931 --> 00:40:02,166
You. I feel bad for Pete
Hegseth.

671
00:40:02,166 --> 00:40:04,335
I mean, he's out here doing
televised

672
00:40:04,335 --> 00:40:07,105
push ups to get Trump's
attention.

673
00:40:07,105 --> 00:40:10,074
Zero compliments on his body.

674
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:12,510
Even Vice
President JD Vance came out

675
00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:14,479
and said that he was jealous

676
00:40:14,479 --> 00:40:18,216
that President Trump
has never complimented his butt.

677
00:40:18,216 --> 00:40:21,352
What the hell is going on?

678
00:40:21,352 --> 00:40:23,955
Your party
is about to lose the midterms.

679
00:40:23,955 --> 00:40:28,860
Stop playing
smash or pass with each other.

680
00:40:28,860 --> 00:40:30,695
President Trump
said at a rally this week

681
00:40:30,695 --> 00:40:38,703
that his voice is operating
at about 49.2% out of ten.

682
00:40:38,703 --> 00:40:39,504
But Trump admitted

683
00:40:39,637 --> 00:40:41,439
that his campaign schedule
has not been easy.

684
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:44,275
Saying that
God didn't make your vocal cords

685
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,577
to do a rally every day.

686
00:40:46,577 --> 00:40:48,780
In fact, Trump said
the only thing God

687
00:40:48,780 --> 00:40:55,053
made to never quit
was John Houston's ass.

688
00:40:55,053 --> 00:40:57,155
President Trump attacked
Democrat Ado

689
00:40:57,155 --> 00:40:59,657
El CID with Islamophobic
rhetoric,

690
00:40:59,657 --> 00:41:02,093
saying that for El-Sayed
to get into the Senate,

691
00:41:02,093 --> 00:41:04,128
he should have to go through
a metal detector

692
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:08,866
while Trump supporters
just take the window.

693
00:41:08,866 --> 00:41:12,337
Ted Cruz said that if Abdul
El-Sayed is elected the Senate,

694
00:41:12,337 --> 00:41:15,239
there is a very real risk
that Americans

695
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:16,841
will die as a result.

696
00:41:16,841 --> 00:41:18,609
Then he went back to the Senate
to cut

697
00:41:18,609 --> 00:41:21,346
health care and food stamps.

698
00:41:21,346 --> 00:41:24,349
This week, a record number
of people voted in Israel's

699
00:41:24,349 --> 00:41:27,285
election,
which is great to see regardless

700
00:41:27,285 --> 00:41:33,291
if you're on the right side or
the left side or the genocide.

701
00:41:37,762 --> 00:41:40,832
Vice president JD Vance
seen here letting Ozempic

702
00:41:40,832 --> 00:41:43,368
take the wheel,

703
00:41:43,368 --> 00:41:43,968
said that

704
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,704
Alaska having two candidates
with the last name

705
00:41:46,704 --> 00:41:50,541
Sullivan is the definition
of electoral fraud,

706
00:41:50,541 --> 00:41:52,777
which if true, would invalidate

707
00:41:52,777 --> 00:41:57,715
every election in Boston
history.

708
00:41:57,715 --> 00:42:00,118
President Trump continues
to campaign for Republicans

709
00:42:00,118 --> 00:42:02,053
ahead of the midterms
with a message.

710
00:42:02,053 --> 00:42:06,157
Just close your eyes
and pretend I'm on the ballot,

711
00:42:06,157 --> 00:42:07,225
said one voter.

712
00:42:07,225 --> 00:42:14,032
You had me at close
your eyes and pretend.

713
00:42:14,032 --> 00:42:16,267
An Illinois man has been charged
with sending

714
00:42:16,267 --> 00:42:18,069
threatening letters to Congress

715
00:42:18,069 --> 00:42:20,805
containing a white,
granular substance.

716
00:42:20,805 --> 00:42:23,775
Thankfully, the substance
has been judged to be harmless.

717
00:42:23,775 --> 00:42:28,112
After Don junior did a key bump.

718
00:42:28,112 --> 00:42:31,582
Concerns about
an air bubble led to Google

719
00:42:31,582 --> 00:42:35,553
losing $500 billion in stock
market value,

720
00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:43,327
which explains why today's
Google Doodle hung itself.

721
00:42:43,327 --> 00:42:45,696
Tomorrow's
the New York City Marathon.

722
00:42:45,696 --> 00:42:48,032
Yeah. Pretty exciting.

723
00:42:48,032 --> 00:42:51,436
The marathon is, of course,
named for a Greek messenger

724
00:42:51,436 --> 00:42:54,272
who ran from the town
of Marathon to Athens

725
00:42:54,272 --> 00:42:59,277
to let everyone know
he ran a marathon.

726
00:42:59,277 --> 00:43:02,914
According to CNN, some Gen
Z students are throwing daytime

727
00:43:02,914 --> 00:43:05,183
wellness parties
as an alternative

728
00:43:05,183 --> 00:43:07,151
to parties
with drugs and alcohol.

729
00:43:07,151 --> 00:43:13,458
Here to comment Is Pennywise
the Clown?

730
00:43:13,458 --> 00:43:14,725
Whats up my dude?

731
00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:16,794
Yeah. Well.

732
00:43:16,794 --> 00:43:19,063
Hi Pennywise, why are you here?

733
00:43:19,063 --> 00:43:21,065
To talk about Gen
Z Wellness party.

734
00:43:21,065 --> 00:43:23,301
Because I'm about that life
now, che.

735
00:43:23,301 --> 00:43:25,369
I will say it til
the cows come home. Man.

736
00:43:25,369 --> 00:43:28,206
You don't
need to drink to have fun.

737
00:43:28,206 --> 00:43:29,073
Look at che, man.

738
00:43:29,073 --> 00:43:32,376
He's like you, dude.

739
00:43:32,376 --> 00:43:34,979
No, I'm not.
And what are you talking about?

740
00:43:34,979 --> 00:43:37,615
Aren't you like a clown
that kills kids?

741
00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,984
Are you familiar with my work?

742
00:43:39,984 --> 00:43:41,986
Oh, thank you, big homie. Yeah.

743
00:43:41,986 --> 00:43:44,522
Look, man, I got to go
where the kids are, bruh.

744
00:43:44,522 --> 00:43:48,025
And look, am I technically
an ancient, malevolent entity?

745
00:43:48,025 --> 00:43:49,026
Sure.

746
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:52,864
Do I shapeshift to entrap
children and eat their souls?

747
00:43:52,864 --> 00:43:57,568
I have the news flash,
man. Men can evolve.

748
00:43:57,568 --> 00:43:59,637
Okay.
I don't live in a sewer anymore.

749
00:43:59,637 --> 00:44:01,639
I live in a loft
in Austin, Texas

750
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:05,576
with three other
motivated young Christians.

751
00:44:05,576 --> 00:44:08,713
And when we're not on cloud code
building epic stacks,

752
00:44:08,713 --> 00:44:10,815
we're having long talks
with our shirts off

753
00:44:10,815 --> 00:44:12,416
and doing hella burpees.

754
00:44:12,416 --> 00:44:13,818
Check these games, man.

755
00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:16,320
Feel that, feel that.
Man. I'm not gonna.

756
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:17,855
Give that a
just give that a I'm.

757
00:44:17,855 --> 00:44:21,926
Not gonna
squeeze. A chair. Please.

758
00:44:21,926 --> 00:44:24,562
All right.

759
00:44:24,562 --> 00:44:27,198
Still a clown, man. Right?

760
00:44:27,198 --> 00:44:29,166
But yeah, dawg, that's
what I'm up to, man.

761
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,035
Got a little crew
together of cool,

762
00:44:31,035 --> 00:44:34,672
like minded, sober,
predatory tech guys.

763
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,374
And we started a company.

764
00:44:36,374 --> 00:44:39,944
It's called We All Float. I.

765
00:44:39,944 --> 00:44:42,780
Instead of trapping
one kid with one balloon.

766
00:44:42,780 --> 00:44:45,416
What if you had hundreds
of AI agents, each

767
00:44:45,416 --> 00:44:47,385
with their own digital balloons?

768
00:44:47,385 --> 00:44:49,287
Using the habit
forming technology

769
00:44:49,287 --> 00:44:51,055
from the homies
over at DraftKings?

770
00:44:51,055 --> 00:44:53,424
Dude, is that why you're here?

771
00:44:53,424 --> 00:44:55,993
To promote your new tech
startup?

772
00:44:55,993 --> 00:45:00,565
No, I'm here because I manifest
as people's worst fears.

773
00:45:00,565 --> 00:45:05,136
Which for you is
this is a lot of people

774
00:45:05,136 --> 00:45:09,874
who care about you in this world
who are concerned about you.

775
00:45:09,874 --> 00:45:15,546
Oh, is this an intervention?

776
00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:17,848
Yeah, man, it sure is.

777
00:45:17,848 --> 00:45:19,483
We all watched your special.

778
00:45:19,483 --> 00:45:23,588
Or, as I like
to call it, your cry for help

779
00:45:23,588 --> 00:45:26,090
Colin

780
00:45:26,090 --> 00:45:28,259
Dear Michael,

781
00:45:28,259 --> 00:45:30,895
your drinking has affected
me in the following ways

782
00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:35,266
We know. Pennywise the.
Clown. Everybody, let's go.

783
00:45:35,266 --> 00:45:37,068
No, I'm not.

784
00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:41,672
I'm not going to quit. Oh.

785
00:45:41,672 --> 00:45:45,176
Some users of the new iPhone
duo are reporting cracks

786
00:45:45,176 --> 00:45:47,712
in the foldable
display, responded Apple.

787
00:45:47,712 --> 00:45:52,316
You folded it.

788
00:45:52,316 --> 00:45:56,120
A Texas branch of the NAACP
has condemned

789
00:45:56,120 --> 00:45:58,723
a social media video
showing people walking down

790
00:45:58,723 --> 00:46:01,525
the street in the border
town of El Paso

791
00:46:01,525 --> 00:46:05,863
wearing KKK robes, which,
you got to admit,

792
00:46:05,863 --> 00:46:11,869
would be a very smart way
to sneak into the country.

793
00:46:15,506 --> 00:46:17,842
Considering

794
00:46:17,842 --> 00:46:19,810
Stevie Wonder is trying to evict

795
00:46:19,810 --> 00:46:22,113
a woman who has lived rent free

796
00:46:22,113 --> 00:46:25,483
in one of his houses
for nearly 40 years,

797
00:46:25,483 --> 00:46:27,318
the woman was able to stay
for that long

798
00:46:27,318 --> 00:46:29,320
by standing
still and being very quiet.

799
00:46:35,559 --> 00:46:37,828
Police in Scotland
have opened an investigation

800
00:46:37,828 --> 00:46:40,398
into the extensive time
the former Prince Andrew

801
00:46:40,398 --> 00:46:43,934
spent with Jeffrey Epstein
at the King's Scottish estate.

802
00:46:43,934 --> 00:46:45,736
Which brings me to my segment.

803
00:46:45,736 --> 00:46:51,742
Hear me out.

804
00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:54,745
Now. I know that
the main story here

805
00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:56,614
is that
they're sexual predators.

806
00:46:56,614 --> 00:46:59,450
But can we also acknowledge
that it seems like these two

807
00:46:59,450 --> 00:47:02,653
had a beautiful, close
friendship?

808
00:47:02,653 --> 00:47:04,889
How many middle aged men
do you know that

809
00:47:04,889 --> 00:47:08,092
go on this many cool trips
together?

810
00:47:08,092 --> 00:47:10,961
Maybe the real lesson
is that when two men

811
00:47:10,961 --> 00:47:14,999
have a shared passion,
the sky's the limit.

812
00:47:14,999 --> 00:47:17,368
And what seem like a teen sex

813
00:47:17,368 --> 00:47:20,171
ring might actually be
the perfect cure

814
00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:24,041
for our male loneliness effort.

815
00:47:24,041 --> 00:47:27,978
Besides, who are they
even hurting? Oh, right.

816
00:47:27,978 --> 00:47:29,780
This has been. Hear me out.

817
00:47:35,419 --> 00:47:38,823
I cannot
believe you clapped for that.

818
00:47:38,823 --> 00:47:42,893
New York City Council has voted
to ban horse drawn carriages.

819
00:47:42,893 --> 00:47:46,430
So finally, Central Park
can go back

820
00:47:46,430 --> 00:47:51,635
to smelling like human feces.

821
00:47:51,635 --> 00:47:54,605
Scientists studying Vincent van
Gogh's Starry Night now believe

822
00:47:54,605 --> 00:47:56,874
that it wasn't
a product of his imagination,

823
00:47:56,874 --> 00:48:01,112
but the actual sky
he saw one night in 1889.

824
00:48:01,112 --> 00:48:07,118
And I think if Van Gogh were
alive today, he'd say, what?

825
00:48:14,392 --> 00:48:15,159
Because of the ear.

826
00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:17,495
Yeah, yeah, we got it.

827
00:48:17,495 --> 00:48:20,831
A hand-drawn survey
map of the Mason-Dixon line,

828
00:48:20,831 --> 00:48:23,601
which divided free
northern states from southern

829
00:48:23,601 --> 00:48:27,872
slave states, is being auctioned
for more than $1 million.

830
00:48:27,872 --> 00:48:33,878
2 million?

831
00:48:35,846 --> 00:48:37,815
A woman in Florida

832
00:48:37,815 --> 00:48:40,885
has gone viral
after she called police

833
00:48:40,885 --> 00:48:44,688
to report a car crash while
she was dressed as a banana.

834
00:48:44,688 --> 00:48:47,091
But before the cops
could get there, she split.

835
00:48:52,263 --> 00:48:52,897
Thank you.

836
00:48:52,897 --> 00:48:56,200
Thank you. No. Thank you.

837
00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:58,302
On Wednesday,
the Milwaukee Brewers

838
00:48:58,302 --> 00:49:02,540
won their first World
Series in franchise history,

839
00:49:02,540 --> 00:49:05,276
defeating the Tampa Bay rays
in five games.

840
00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:08,612
Here to comment is drunk, uncle.

841
00:49:08,612 --> 00:49:13,217
Oh! Oh!

842
00:49:13,217 --> 00:49:18,055
Are you ready for some baseball?

843
00:49:18,055 --> 00:49:19,890
Oh, wow. What?

844
00:49:19,890 --> 00:49:21,559
What are you doing
here, drunk uncle?

845
00:49:21,559 --> 00:49:23,093
What do you mean, Seth?

846
00:49:23,093 --> 00:49:26,664
You know, I'm
my dream of a beer.

847
00:49:26,664 --> 00:49:29,967
Winning the World Series
finally came true.

848
00:49:29,967 --> 00:49:34,672
Brewers in five. Hey, Whoa!

849
00:49:34,672 --> 00:49:36,707
I've been drinking
since the night they won.

850
00:49:36,707 --> 00:49:40,711
And also for the last 57 years.
Before that.

851
00:49:40,711 --> 00:49:44,715
So you're not watching
the WNBA finals tonight?

852
00:49:44,715 --> 00:49:49,019
You take that back, Colin.

853
00:49:49,019 --> 00:49:50,221
How dare you

854
00:49:50,221 --> 00:49:54,124
I think I ripped your shirt.
Yeah.

855
00:49:54,124 --> 00:49:56,994
Oh. Baseball's
not the same anymore, Amy.

856
00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,662
Okay.

857
00:49:58,662 --> 00:50:00,664
It used to be Babe
Ruth. Cracker. Crackerjack.

858
00:50:00,664 --> 00:50:04,101
Field
of dreams. Gambling problem.

859
00:50:04,101 --> 00:50:05,603
Now, this is just.

860
00:50:05,603 --> 00:50:10,407
This is. Can I look, Max
my creatine?

861
00:50:10,407 --> 00:50:14,378
I challenge the pitch

862
00:50:14,378 --> 00:50:16,914
Pause

863
00:50:20,484 --> 00:50:22,219
I miss the days
when men were men.

864
00:50:22,219 --> 00:50:25,890
All that you know.
And now there's a mrs. Met

865
00:50:25,890 --> 00:50:26,257
Come on.

866
00:50:26,457 --> 00:50:32,930
There's only one gender.

867
00:50:32,930 --> 00:50:34,198
One. Yeah.

868
00:50:34,198 --> 00:50:37,368
And now what? They stop serving
beer in the seventh inning.

869
00:50:37,368 --> 00:50:40,271
Well,
now I got to drive home sober.

870
00:50:40,271 --> 00:50:42,506
Stupid

871
00:50:42,506 --> 00:50:43,674
drunk. Uncle.

872
00:50:43,674 --> 00:50:47,344
Yeah. Are you voter fraud?

873
00:50:47,344 --> 00:50:49,046
You know, baseball games.

874
00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,814
Baseball games
used to be seven hours,

875
00:50:50,814 --> 00:50:52,550
you know, and it was perfect.

876
00:50:52,550 --> 00:50:53,183
You know, now

877
00:50:53,617 --> 00:50:55,753
the game ends in 20 minutes
and everyone can go home

878
00:50:55,753 --> 00:51:01,759
and watch their hot
gay hockey show. Ooh!

879
00:51:03,193 --> 00:51:05,663
Drunk Uncle

880
00:51:05,663 --> 00:51:09,767
So I've never been Moneyball.
Okay. Oh,

881
00:51:09,767 --> 00:51:13,704
so I'm not using taxes. Okay.

882
00:51:13,704 --> 00:51:19,443
So I'm not Elizabeth Holmes.

883
00:51:19,443 --> 00:51:22,746
Who, by the way,
I believe her. No.

884
00:51:22,746 --> 00:51:28,385
Oh, ace is the place
with the help of hardware folks.

885
00:51:28,385 --> 00:51:32,389
Oh. We're good. Oh, no. Oh, no.

886
00:51:32,389 --> 00:51:35,659
Oh, and Helen of Troy
was white

887
00:51:35,659 --> 00:51:36,760
Oh. No.

888
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:40,164
No. Oh, no. Oh, I know why
you're crying.

889
00:51:40,164 --> 00:51:42,499
I. No, no, no.

890
00:51:42,499 --> 00:51:44,935
I'm just worried that
maybe a beer didn't

891
00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:48,505
win the World Series.
Maybe this was all a dream.

892
00:51:48,505 --> 00:51:51,642
I don't know.
I don't know if it was.

893
00:51:51,642 --> 00:51:56,380
Oh, I don't know
either. You tell me.

894
00:51:56,380 --> 00:51:57,147
Wait a second.

895
00:51:57,414 --> 00:52:01,652
This I see. The world
champion Milwaukee Brewers.

896
00:52:01,652 --> 00:52:04,955
Oh, my God.

897
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:09,727
The first ever.

898
00:52:09,727 --> 00:52:17,101
Oh! Don't worry.

899
00:52:17,101 --> 00:52:20,437
Drunk uncle. It wasn't a dream.

900
00:52:20,437 --> 00:52:23,040
And we have something in common.
Drunk uncle.

901
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:27,277
We also been
drinking since Wednesday.

902
00:52:27,277 --> 00:52:30,047
Oh, and I'm the manager.

903
00:52:30,047 --> 00:52:33,951
And that's kind of like being
the drunk uncle of the team.

904
00:52:33,951 --> 00:52:37,321
Hey, wait a minute, I know you.
You're Pete Davidson, right?

905
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:38,722
Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha!

906
00:52:38,722 --> 00:52:42,292
Sir. Drunk uncle and the world
champion. Milwaukee Brewers

907
00:52:42,292 --> 00:52:47,498
Happy Halloween! For Weekend
Update
I'm Colin Jost and Michael Che.

908
00:52:47,498 --> 00:52:50,701
Goodnight!

909
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:05,349
Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol
will be there on the double.

910
00:53:05,349 --> 00:53:08,686
Whenever there's a problem

911
00:53:08,686 --> 00:53:13,557
around adventure bay,
Ryder And his team of pups

912
00:53:13,557 --> 00:53:15,592
Will come and save the day

913
00:53:15,592 --> 00:53:18,595
Paw Patrol

914
00:53:18,595 --> 00:53:20,964
Special victims unit.

915
00:53:20,964 --> 00:53:24,034
These are their stories.

916
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,269
Oh, right.

917
00:53:25,269 --> 00:53:29,073
Listen up, pops. We've got one
heck of a case to solve.

918
00:53:29,073 --> 00:53:30,074
Oh, no.

919
00:53:30,140 --> 00:53:33,510
Is Wally the Walrus
stuck in the fishing net again?

920
00:53:33,510 --> 00:53:34,311
Just farmers.

921
00:53:34,712 --> 00:53:37,781
You mean have too many baby
bunnies and not enough carrots?

922
00:53:37,781 --> 00:53:40,818
Or maybe Captain Turbot
can't find his silver.

923
00:53:40,818 --> 00:53:43,620
The turbot is dead.

924
00:53:43,620 --> 00:53:47,124
Dead tired from sailing all day.

925
00:53:47,124 --> 00:53:49,726
His corpse was found
mutilated behind fuzzy pups.

926
00:53:49,726 --> 00:53:50,894
Pup playground.

927
00:53:50,894 --> 00:53:54,498
And all that is left is a finger
and a pair of kidneys.

928
00:53:54,498 --> 00:53:58,302
What's mutilated is that
when you turn into a cow.

929
00:53:58,302 --> 00:54:00,804
Because I want to get
mutilated, too.

930
00:54:00,804 --> 00:54:02,473
Oh, wake the f up?

931
00:54:02,473 --> 00:54:04,141
Marshall,
they took out his organs

932
00:54:04,141 --> 00:54:05,476
to sell them on the black
market.

933
00:54:05,476 --> 00:54:07,010
There is a cooler of eyeballs

934
00:54:07,010 --> 00:54:09,246
on their way
to Cambodia right now.

935
00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:11,248
But if they can't see
his eyeballs,

936
00:54:11,248 --> 00:54:18,288
maybe he's just sleeping. Does
it look like he's sleeping? Oh,

937
00:54:18,288 --> 00:54:23,026
I've never said
it like this before, but Wolf.

938
00:54:23,026 --> 00:54:23,861
Sorry, gang.

939
00:54:23,994 --> 00:54:26,263
I got distracted by this
tasty treat. Not now.

940
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,565
Oh, God. That's his
femur

941
00:54:28,565 --> 00:54:29,800
Jesus, Zuma.

942
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:34,905
You're eating captain Turbot,
and I hate that. It's delicious.

943
00:54:34,905 --> 00:54:37,508
But, guys, don't
forget our other problem.

944
00:54:37,508 --> 00:54:39,977
Farmer, you, me
has too many baby bunnies

945
00:54:39,977 --> 00:54:44,248
and not enough carrots. Farmer,
you miss dead too.

946
00:54:44,248 --> 00:54:46,116
They hung him upside down
and cut him

947
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:49,153
open from his chin to nuts.

948
00:54:49,153 --> 00:54:51,822
Well, at least he had nuts.

949
00:54:51,822 --> 00:54:54,525
With it.

950
00:54:54,525 --> 00:54:58,362
Was it because he had too many
baby bunnies and not enough

951
00:54:58,362 --> 00:55:01,131
carrots? No.

952
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:01,832
It's because

953
00:55:02,366 --> 00:55:07,971
he saw the Cambodians carving
gang symbols into turbot Corso.

954
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:10,174
I don't understand.

955
00:55:10,174 --> 00:55:15,746
How did the Cambodians get
all the way to adventure Bay?

956
00:55:15,746 --> 00:55:19,049
Our arch nemesis,
Mayor humdinger.

957
00:55:19,049 --> 00:55:22,953
They blackmailed him with nude
photos of him

958
00:55:22,953 --> 00:55:28,158
having a seven way with the
entire and catastrophe crew.

959
00:55:28,158 --> 00:55:31,461
And I'd do it again. Oh.

960
00:55:31,461 --> 00:55:34,031
You sick son of a bitch!

961
00:55:34,031 --> 00:55:35,199
We should have busted you

962
00:55:35,199 --> 00:55:38,368
when we caught you
with that underage pup.

963
00:55:38,368 --> 00:55:41,638
She told me she was three.

964
00:55:41,638 --> 00:55:43,540
Your fearless leader, Chase.

965
00:55:43,540 --> 00:55:46,410
What should we do?
Don't worry. Skye.

966
00:55:46,410 --> 00:55:49,913
I have a feeling humdinger
bark is worse than his.

967
00:55:49,913 --> 00:55:53,584
Oh. Oh.

968
00:55:53,584 --> 00:55:57,321
Chase. Oh,

969
00:55:57,321 --> 00:56:02,459
call me Kristi Noem because
I love putting a dog down.

970
00:56:02,459 --> 00:56:06,163
Oh. Me too.

971
00:56:06,163 --> 00:56:11,368
Oh, it's detective, I smell tea.

972
00:56:11,368 --> 00:56:14,071
Now lie down.

973
00:56:14,071 --> 00:56:19,610
Yeah, that's a good little bitch

974
00:56:40,564 --> 00:56:43,567
So then I said
to my gyno, I don't need a gown.

975
00:56:43,567 --> 00:56:47,170
Bring in the students. How?
Open a window, if all I care.

976
00:56:47,170 --> 00:56:50,807
I like mine and I know it's good

977
00:56:50,807 --> 00:56:54,044
I just say you are like so cool.

978
00:56:54,044 --> 00:56:57,047
Oh you are no are no best.

979
00:56:57,047 --> 00:56:57,781
I'm not.

980
00:56:57,848 --> 00:56:59,583
I mean, to be honest,
I was shocked

981
00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:01,151
you guys even invited me.

982
00:57:01,151 --> 00:57:02,185
We love you.

983
00:57:02,185 --> 00:57:05,355
You're like our favorite person
in the office.

984
00:57:05,355 --> 00:57:07,424
You know, you just give zero f█s

985
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:10,294
Oh, girlfriend,
I'm allergic to f

986
00:57:10,294 --> 00:57:13,330
So you're so okay? Yeah.

987
00:57:13,330 --> 00:57:16,833
Hey, everybody. Oh, looks like
you enjoyed your meals.

988
00:57:16,833 --> 00:57:19,469
Can I get anyone anything else?

989
00:57:19,469 --> 00:57:23,573
Yeah. I think I'll take a date
with a Hemsworth brother. Oh.

990
00:57:23,573 --> 00:57:28,011
Okay. I see who's
the cool one at this table,

991
00:57:28,011 --> 00:57:29,313
That's me.

992
00:57:29,313 --> 00:57:32,849
I mean, every day I wake up,
I roll with it, and then I rock.

993
00:57:32,849 --> 00:57:35,319
Oh my. Gosh. Oh.

994
00:57:35,319 --> 00:57:36,520
I'm sorry.

995
00:57:40,991 --> 00:57:43,660
Whoa!

996
00:57:43,660 --> 00:57:44,795
Oh, my God.

997
00:57:44,795 --> 00:57:49,700
I am so sorry.

998
00:57:49,700 --> 00:57:52,903
For what?

999
00:57:52,903 --> 00:57:55,839
For dropping
20 plates on your head.

1000
00:57:55,839 --> 00:57:56,740
Oh. What?

1001
00:57:56,740 --> 00:57:59,609
No, no,
some stuff fell, and, you know,

1002
00:57:59,609 --> 00:58:01,978
they hit me a little,
but I think they mostly got you.

1003
00:58:01,978 --> 00:58:04,815
So do you. Know
they didn't match?

1004
00:58:04,815 --> 00:58:07,984
Well, okay,
you know what? It all hit me.

1005
00:58:07,984 --> 00:58:10,454
And you know what? It happens,
and I rock that.

1006
00:58:10,454 --> 00:58:12,222
So you can go because I'm
talking with my friends.

1007
00:58:12,222 --> 00:58:15,459
Just. Yeah, yeah. Just go.
Thank you so much. I'm sorry.

1008
00:58:15,459 --> 00:58:20,230
Wow. Well,
he was trying to smash Denise.

1009
00:58:20,230 --> 00:58:21,765
I think he was just
checking on you

1010
00:58:21,765 --> 00:58:24,000
because you're covered in plate.

1011
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:27,104
Yeah. Do you want to go
to the bathroom?

1012
00:58:27,104 --> 00:58:29,639
Why? You all trying
to the slopes? Oh.

1013
00:58:29,639 --> 00:58:30,907
No

1014
00:58:30,907 --> 00:58:33,777
to, like, clean yourself up
and make sure you're okay.

1015
00:58:33,777 --> 00:58:35,879
Oh, my God, I'm fine.

1016
00:58:35,879 --> 00:58:37,180
Can we talk about something
else?

1017
00:58:37,180 --> 00:58:38,548
Seriously,
these plates are like paper.

1018
00:58:38,548 --> 00:58:40,450
Seriously,
all of that was really.

1019
00:58:40,450 --> 00:58:45,088
They seem
huge. Are. Are you okay?

1020
00:58:45,088 --> 00:58:48,792
Oh. Oh, my God, he's

1021
00:58:54,831 --> 00:58:56,566
Go! Yeah.

1022
00:58:56,566 --> 00:58:57,768
Did that prove it?

1023
00:58:57,768 --> 00:59:00,871
I'm fine. Prove what it is.

1024
00:59:00,871 --> 00:59:03,407
You don't have to. Pretend
like everything's fine. Okay?

1025
00:59:03,407 --> 00:59:07,878
We still think you rock it.
We're just worried.

1026
00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:08,612
Really?

1027
00:59:08,612 --> 00:59:12,149
Yeah.

1028
00:59:12,149 --> 00:59:13,316
Because I'm in some pain.

1029
00:59:13,316 --> 00:59:17,954
Yeah, we're on your head.
I mean, come on.

1030
00:59:17,954 --> 00:59:23,060
I can smell my blood
and I can feel my bones.

1031
00:59:23,060 --> 00:59:25,796
And at one point, I saw the
Ninja Turtles walk in the room.

1032
00:59:25,796 --> 00:59:31,201
Oh, can you see them now? No.

1033
00:59:31,201 --> 00:59:34,404
Whole room went black
when the plates happened.

1034
00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:35,372
I can't see anything.

1035
00:59:35,639 --> 00:59:37,941
I've just been moving my head
back and forth. Just open them.

1036
00:59:37,941 --> 00:59:39,943
I'm talking to one of you, okay?

1037
00:59:39,943 --> 00:59:41,611
Denise,
you don't have to do all.

1038
00:59:41,611 --> 00:59:44,481
Oh, tonight
was just so important to me.

1039
00:59:44,481 --> 00:59:45,682
Here's why.
Don't you guys like me?

1040
00:59:45,682 --> 00:59:49,920
I even got my hair
and makeup professionally done.

1041
00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:55,358
Does it still look good?

1042
00:59:55,358 --> 00:59:58,161
Guys?

1043
00:59:58,161 --> 01:00:03,400
Are you here?

1044
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:07,804
Guys?

1045
01:00:07,804 --> 01:00:12,676
Well, I guess they all left.

1046
01:00:12,676 --> 01:00:15,145
Probably for the best.

1047
01:00:15,145 --> 01:00:17,581
Well, now that I'm alone,

1048
01:00:17,581 --> 01:00:22,352
no reason not to do this.

1049
01:00:22,352 --> 01:00:25,489
Easy.

1050
01:00:25,489 --> 01:00:27,357
Easy does it.

1051
01:00:27,357 --> 01:00:30,861
Don't get cocky.
Don't get cocky.

1052
01:00:30,861 --> 01:00:35,432
Just enough to get us home.

1053
01:00:35,432 --> 01:00:37,734
Easy. Land the plane.

1054
01:00:37,734 --> 01:00:43,140
Oh, it's a little turbulence.

1055
01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:48,545
And touchdown!

1056
01:00:48,545 --> 01:00:53,216
Denise.

1057
01:00:53,216 --> 01:00:55,352
We're still here.

1058
01:00:55,352 --> 01:00:57,454
Perfect.

1059
01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:12,002
>>> ONCE AGAIN, GRACIE ABRAMS.

1060
01:01:12,002 --> 01:01:16,273
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1061
01:01:16,273 --> 01:01:28,451
♪♪

1062
01:01:28,451 --> 01:01:35,959
♪ HELL FROZE IN MY BEDROOM

1063
01:01:35,959 --> 01:01:39,963
A PHENOMENON I CAME TO

1064
01:01:39,963 --> 01:01:43,200
HALF-BELIEVING I NEVER

1065
01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:46,469
MET YOU BEFORE ♪

1066
01:01:46,469 --> 01:01:47,204
♪ THAT'S WHEN YOU DECIDE

1067
01:01:47,204 --> 01:01:52,943
YOU WANT MORE ♪

1068
01:01:52,943 --> 01:01:56,713
♪ NOW YOU'RE WANTING BACK

1069
01:01:56,713 --> 01:02:01,184
IN YOUR BIG DRAMATIC

1070
01:02:01,184 --> 01:02:02,218
FEELINGS ♪

1071
01:02:02,218 --> 01:02:03,186
♪ FUNNY HOW IT HAPPENS

1072
01:02:03,186 --> 01:02:04,454
WHEN I'M GOOD

1073
01:02:04,454 --> 01:02:05,488
WHEN I'M SO

1074
01:02:05,488 --> 01:02:06,690
SECURELY ATTACHED ♪

1075
01:02:06,690 --> 01:02:07,958
♪ I'M A DOUBLE-KNOTTED ROPE

1076
01:02:07,958 --> 01:02:11,461
UNDO ME LIKE MAGIC

1077
01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:16,199
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

1078
01:02:16,199 --> 01:02:19,970
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

1079
01:02:19,970 --> 01:02:23,473
♪ GO OH SPIT IT OUT

1080
01:02:23,473 --> 01:02:27,477
SAY WHAT YOU'RE AFTER

1081
01:02:27,477 --> 01:02:30,947
PULL DOORS IN MY LIFE

1082
01:02:30,947 --> 01:02:35,218
UNTIL IT SHATTERS ♪

1083
01:02:35,218 --> 01:02:39,456
♪ OH SO MY WELL-BEING'S

1084
01:02:39,456 --> 01:02:40,457
NOT A FACTOR

1085
01:02:40,457 --> 01:02:41,458
NO IT NEVER STOPPED ME

1086
01:02:41,458 --> 01:02:42,726
LOVING YOU BEFORE ♪

1087
01:02:42,726 --> 01:02:43,960
♪ NOW YOU'RE WANTING BACK

1088
01:02:43,960 --> 01:02:45,195
IN YOUR BIG DRAMATIC

1089
01:02:45,195 --> 01:02:46,196
FEELINGS ♪

1090
01:02:46,196 --> 01:02:47,230
♪ FUNNY HOW IT HAPPENS

1091
01:02:47,230 --> 01:02:48,465
WHEN I'M GOOD

1092
01:02:48,465 --> 01:02:49,699
WHEN I'M SO

1093
01:02:49,699 --> 01:02:51,201
SECURELY ATTACHED ♪

1094
01:02:51,201 --> 01:02:53,470
♪ I'M A DOUBLE-KNOTTED ROPE

1095
01:02:53,470 --> 01:03:01,711
UNDO ME LIKE MAGIC

1096
01:03:01,711 --> 01:03:07,951
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

1097
01:03:07,951 --> 01:03:11,454
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

1098
01:03:11,454 --> 01:03:12,455
♪ CALL ME YOUR MIRACLE

1099
01:03:12,455 --> 01:03:13,456
KILL AND DIE

1100
01:03:13,456 --> 01:03:14,457
AND MAKE IT GROW

1101
01:03:14,457 --> 01:03:15,492
AH AH AH ♪

1102
01:03:15,492 --> 01:03:16,459
♪ HERE YOU COME

1103
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:17,427
RIGHT ON CUE

1104
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:18,461
BREAK MY HEART

1105
01:03:18,461 --> 01:03:19,462
AND MAKE IT NEW ♪

1106
01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:20,697
♪ WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO

1107
01:03:20,697 --> 01:03:22,465
AH AH AH ♪

1108
01:03:22,465 --> 01:03:23,700
♪ NOW YOU'RE WANTING BACK

1109
01:03:23,700 --> 01:03:25,201
IN YOUR BIG DRAMATIC

1110
01:03:25,201 --> 01:03:26,469
FEELINGS ♪

1111
01:03:26,469 --> 01:03:27,704
♪ FUNNY HOW IT HAPPENS

1112
01:03:27,704 --> 01:03:29,239
WHEN I'M GOOD

1113
01:03:29,239 --> 01:03:31,708
WHEN I'M SO

1114
01:03:31,708 --> 01:03:34,210
SECURELY ATTACHED ♪

1115
01:03:34,210 --> 01:03:37,247
♪ I'M A DOUBLE-KNOTTED ROPE

1116
01:03:37,247 --> 01:03:40,717
UNDO ME LIKE MAGIC

1117
01:03:40,717 --> 01:03:42,452
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

1118
01:03:42,452 --> 01:03:46,856
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

1119
01:03:46,856 --> 01:03:52,328
♪♪

1120
01:03:52,328 --> 01:03:55,832
♪ HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

1121
01:03:55,832 --> 01:04:00,837
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

1122
01:04:00,837 --> 01:04:07,043
HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

1123
01:04:07,043 --> 01:04:13,783
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1124
01:04:30,900 --> 01:04:32,435
Ladies and gentlemen.

1125
01:04:32,435 --> 01:04:34,204
Salt and pepper.

1126
01:04:40,810 --> 01:04:43,780
Thanks to Gracie Abrams, Tom.

1127
01:04:43,780 --> 01:04:45,982
Hanks, Bobby Moynihan,
Pat Murphy,

1128
01:04:45,982 --> 01:04:48,051
Christian Yelich,
and Brice Turang

1129
01:04:48,051 --> 01:04:48,918
Happy.

1130
01:04:48,918 --> 01:04:52,322
Happy Halloween

1131
01:04:52,322 --> 01:04:59,929
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

1132
01:04:59,929 --> 01:05:31,928
♪♪