>>> HEY, EVERYBODY. I'M PEYTON MANNING.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> AM, YEAH, AND I'M ELI MANNING, HIS BROTHER.
>> YEAH, I THINK THEY KNOW WE'RE BROTHERS BECAUSE OF THE SAME LAST NAME.
NOW THIS IS WHERE WE DO LIVE ANALYSIS OF WHAT'S ALREADY PLAYING ON THE F.
NORMALLY WE DO IT DURING THE MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. >> BUT TONIGHT'S NOT MONDAY.
IT'S SATURDAY. >> GREAT INCITE, ELI. >> YEAH.
SO INSTEAD OF FOOTBALL, WE DECIDED TO CHECK OUT THE SEASON PREMIER OF SNL.
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF CHANGES AT THE SHOW, WHICH COULD BE EXCITING.
LET'S SEE WHAT THEY SPENT THE ENTIRE SUMMER COMING UP WITH. >> OKAY, WE GOT AN ESTABLISHING
SHOT OF MAR-A-LAGO. >> OH, GOOD. TRUMP SKETCH.
WAY TO MIX IT UP. >> MR. PRESIDENT, AS YOUR LAWYER, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
BE LIEDING DURING A HURRICANE. >> ACTUALLY, IT'S THE SAFEST PLACE I HAVE BEEN IN TWO YEARS.
THERE'S NO LAWYERS, NO FBI. I'M IN MY HAPPY PLACE. >> A FEW GUESTS WANTED TO SAY
HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT. >> PLEASE, CALL ME CURRENT PRESIDENT.
>> WHY ARE GUESTS VISITING DURING A HURRICANE? >> ALL RIGHT.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A ROOKIE LEADING A SENIOR CAST MEMBER INTO THE ROOM.
PROBABLY GOING TO RUN A SIMPLE, RIGHT THIS WAY, MA'AM. >> RIGHT THIS WAY, MA'AM.
>> TELEGRAPHED IT. >> AND HE DOESN'T CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
NOW HE'S TRYING TO FIX IT. THE NEW GUY IS FULLY PANICKING. HE'S JUST STARING IN THE CAMERA.
>> AND THAT MIGHT BE THE ONLY TIME WE SEE HIM TONIGHT. >> LET'S SEE WHAT HEIDI'S GOT.
SHE'S NEVER LET ME DOWN. >> SIR, THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA IS HERE.
>> HELLO. I'M GOVERNOR CHRISTY NULL AND I WANT TO TAKE YOUR ABORTION
RIGHTS. >> AND SHE LET ME DOWN. >> OKAY.
TIME OUT. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? >> THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA,
A POLITICAL IMPRESSION THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR. WHAT ABOUT FUN IMPRESSION LIKE
ANTHONY FAUCI OR LINDSEY GRAHAM OR RUDY GIULIANI? >> THOSE WERE ALL KATE McKINNEN.
>> DAMN. >> I ALSO WANT TO SAY HAPPY EARLY COLUMBUS DAY, SIR.
>> WE LOVE COLUMBUS. SAILED RIGHT OFF THE EDGE OF THE WORLD BUT LANDED IN HAITI AND
GOT TO WORK. >> I GOT TO POINT OUT, WHERE'S THE BALANCE POLITICALLY?
THEY'RE MAKING TRUMP JOKES, MEANWHILE, JOE BIDEN'S LOST HIS MARBLES.
>> HOLD THAT THOUGHT. DONALD JUNIOR IS COMING IN. >> I HATE TO CUT THE PARTY SHOT
SHORT, BUT WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. THE PRESIDENT OF CHINA CAN ONLY
HOLD SO MANY NUCLEAR SECOND STREETS. >> LET'S JUST SAY I'M HAPPIER
THAN WHEN THE QUEEN'S CORGIS FOUND OUT THEY WEREN'T GOING WITH PRINCE ANDREW.
>> THAT CONFUSED ME, AND DID BOWEN SAY CORGI, DOES HE NOT KNOW IT'S PRONOUNCED ARE CORDY?
>> IT'S A SURPRISE FUMBLE FROM THE VETERAN YANG. YOU CAN TELL THE PRESSURE IS
GETTING TO HIM. >> MEANWHILE, LOOKS LIKE SARA SHERMAN IS PEEKING IN THE WINDOW
TRYING TO WATCH THE SKIT. >> NOW SHE REALIZES SHE'S CAUGHT AND TRIES TO MAKE A SMOOTH EXIT.
WOW. THEY'RE ALL PROFESSIONALS, BUT SO ARE THE NEW YORK JETS.
>> THE SHOWS HAVE REBUILDING FOR SURE. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE STATS
SO FAR. 14 ATTEMPTED JOKES THIS EPISODE. ONLY ONE MILD LAUGH AND THREE
CHUCKLES. >> I HEARD THEY STAY UP UNTIL 5:00 A.M. WRITING THE SHOW.
>> WHEN DO THEY START WRITING THE SHOW? 4:30.
THANK GOD THEY'VE GOT KENDRICK LAMAR BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON ANYONE IS TUNING IN.
>> LET'S CHECK BACK IN ON THE SKIT. >> NOW, PRESIDENT XI, YOU'RE NOT
HELPING OUT VLADIMIR PUTIN, ARE YOU? BECAUSE AS BRANDY TOLD MONICA,
THE BOY IS MINE. >> IT IS WHAT IT IS, AM I RIGHT? IT IS WHAT IT IS.
>> WAIT. IS HE TRYING TO MAKE THAT A CATCH PHRASE?
IT IS WHAT IT IS. >> OH, GOD, LOOK, HE'S SAYING IT TO CAMERA NOW.
>> IT IS WHAT IT IS. >> DESPERATE STUFF. ANYWAY, JOINING US NOW IS THE
THREE-TIME HOST OF SNL DURING WHAT NOW SEEMS LIKE A GOLDEN ERA.
JOHN HAMM. [ APPLAUSE ] JOHN, WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN SO FAR
TONIGHT? >> I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S NOT COMEDY.
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN USED KEY UNANIMOUS YET. THAT'S LIKE PUTTING A WHOLE TEAM
OF ELIS ON THE FIELD, AND YOU'VE GOT THE PEYTON SITTING ON THE SIDELINES.
>> I AGREE. >> WHAT ABOUT THE NEW CATS? ANYONE YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT?
>> I HAVE BEEN SCOUTING DEVON WALKER AT BAR SHOWS FOR YEARS NOW.
>> SIR, THAT CORN KID IS HERE TO SEE YOU. >> IT'S CORN.
IT'S GOT THE JUICE. >> OH, HELL NO. CORN KID?
DEVON WALKER'S FIRST APPEARANCE ON NATIONAL TV, AND THEY GOT HIM DOING CORN KID?
>> IT COULD BE WORSE. LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT MOLLY AND MARCELLO DOING THE GRITTY.
MAYBE THIS IS STRATEGIC LIKE WHEN A SPORTS TEAM TANKS TO GET A BETTER DRAFT PICK NEXT YEAR.
>> AND SIR, THE SPECIAL MASTER IS HERE. HE FINISHED REVIEWING YOUR
DOCUMENTS. >> I'VE DECIDED, THEY'RE ALL AWESOME.
>> SEAN WHITE? >> YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THEY
NEED TO BRING IN A REAL CELEBRITY WHEN THE HOST ISN'T THAT FAMOUS.
>> RIGHT. >> I MEAN, THEY COULDN'T GET THE STAR OF THE SUMMER MOVIE OR TOM
CRUISE OR JOHN HAMM, THEY HAD TO GET THE COSTAR. >> WELL, I HEARD THEY RARELY PUT
THE HOSTS IN COLD OPEN, SO WHEN THEY DO, IT IS SPECIAL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SPECIAL OR SIT DESPERATE? >> ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY, JOHN.
I KNOW JOHN'S GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. >> NO.
I'M GOING TO STICK AROUND AND SEE WHAT THE HELL THIS SHOW IS GOING TO BE.
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." WITH --
MUSICAL GUEST, KENDRICK LAMAR. AND YOUR HOST, MILES TELLER.
TELLER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
HOSTING THE SEASON PREMIER OF "SNL." THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HOSTING,
AND I KNOW THEY LIKE WHEN YOU DO IMPRESSIONS, AND PLAY DIFFERENT CELEBRITIES, AND I WANTED TO
COME PREPARED. SO I ASKED MY FRIENDS, WHAT CELEBRITY DO I LOOK LIKE, AND I
WAS THINKING A YOUNG DENIRO, MAYBE A PAUL NEW MAN, AND THEY WERE LIKE, NOPE, RACHEL MADAU.
I DIDN'T SEE IT, BUT ONE OF THEM SENT ME THIS. THIS YEAR, I WAS IN A MOVIE
CALLED "TOP GUN, MAVERICK", AND ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVED ABOUT THE MOVIE IS IT REALLY SEEMED TO
BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER. IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU GET A MOVIE THAT'S LOVED BOTH BY THE
MILITARY COMMUNITY AND THE GAY COMMUNITY. THAT WORKED OUT.
IT WAS ALSO AMAZING GETTING TO WORK WITH TOM CRUISE. THAT GUY IS LEGEND.
WE BOTH PUSHING OURSELVES TO THE ABSOLUTE LIMIT FOR THIS MOVIE. HE DID HIS OWN STUNTS, AND I
GREW MY OWN MUSTACHE. IN THE MOVIE, THERE'S A SCENE WHERE MY CHARACTER ROOSTER SINGS
AND PLAYS GREAT BALLS OF FIRE ON THE PIANO. I TOLD THEM, I DON'T NEED A
DOUBLE, GUYS. I'LL DO IT MYSELF, I'LL DO IT LIVE.
SO I LEARNED THIS SONG, A PRACTICED IT A BUNCH. I EVEN TOOK PIANO LESSONS.
MY INSTRUCTOR WAS JK SIMMONS, WHO WAS SURPRISINGLY NICE. AND ON SET, I PLAYED THE ENTIRE
SONG, BEGINNING TO END, AND THEN WHEN I SAW THE MOVIE, THIS IS WHAT THEY ENDED UP USING.
* GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE * [ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT TO SAY, I'M SO HONORED TO BE HERE. GROWING UP, ME AND MY FAMILY
WOULD WATCH "SNL" EVERY WEEK, AND MY SISTERS AND I WOULD REENACT SOME OF THE SKETCHES,
AND MY MOM WOULD VIDEO TAPE THEM. ONE OF OUR FAVORITES WAS THE
SPAR TAN CHEERLEADERS. I PLAYED SHERRY OTERRY BECAUSE I WAS EIGHT AND I HAD THE FRAME
FOR IT. NOW, I THOUGHT THAT VIDEO WAS LOST.
BUT MY MOM FOUND IT, AND SHE'S HERE TONIGHT, AND SHE BROUGHT IT.
HERE IT IS. THAT'S ME IN THE TANK TOP. MY SISTER ERIN IS PLAYING WILL
FERRELL. OH, YEAH. AND IF YOU LOOK IN THE
BACKGROUND, THAT'S MY OTHER SISTER, DANA. PRETTY SURE SHE'S PLAYING LAUREN
MICHAELS. AND THEN WE FINISH OUR ROUTINE WITH THE CLASSIC, WHO'S THAT
SPARTAN IN MY TP. >> WHO'S THAT SPARTAN IN MY TP? >> IT'S ME, IT'S ME.
NAILED IT. BUT SERIOUSLY, HOW CRAZY IS THAT?
MY PARENTS USED TO WATCH ME DO SKITS IN MY LIVING ROOM, AND NOW THEY'RE HERE WATCHING ME HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SO
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ALL RIGHT, AMERICA. WELCOME TO SEND SOMETHING
NORMAL. I'M YOUR HOST, HALEN HARDY. THE GAME IS VERY SIMPLE.
WE HAVE FOUR MALE CELEBRITY CONTESTANTS, AND ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS REPLY TO A WOMAN'S DM
ON INSTAGRAM IN A WAY THAT IS NORMAL. AND FELLOWS, IF YOU SEND A
NORMAL DM, YOU WIN $100 MILLION. AGAIN, THE GAME IS SEND A WOMAN A NORMAL DM, AND YOU WIN
$100 MILLION. NOW, LET'S MEET OUR FIRST CONTESTANT, ADAM LEVINE.
NOW, WE ALL KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE, ADAM. >> I WAS BAD.
>> YES, YOU WERE, ADAM. NEXT UP, COMING TO US ALL THE WAY FROM HIS INVOLUNTARY CLEAR
CHANGE, ARMY HAMMER. >> YEAH, HI. CAN I GET A BIG WELCOME BACK TO
HOLLYWOOD ROUND OF APPLAUSE? >> NO, YOU MAY NOT. NEXT UP, NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.
>> WELL, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. WHAT A PLEASURE.
WHY AM I HERE? >> WELL, NEIL, YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DM SCANDAL YET, BUT YOU NEVER
KNOW. >> OH, PLEASE, IN MY CIRCLE, DM STANDS, DIVALENT MAGNESIUM.
BUT I SUPPOSE IN OUR ALTERNATE REALITIES, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. >> AND OUR FINAL CONTESTANT,
IT'S "SNL" CAST MEMBER, BOWEN YANG. >> WOW.
>> NOW, BOWEN IS OUR RETURNING CHAMPION. LAST WEEK, WE RACKED OVER
$1.4 BILLION. WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR SUCCESS TO?
>> OH, BEING GAY. >> MAKES SENSE TO ME. ALL RIGHT.
ADAM LEVINE, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO RESPOND TO THIS WOMAN'S DM? HEY, ADAM, HUGE FAN.
LOVE YOUR MUSIC. >> OKAY. TOUGH CALL.
CAN I SEE HER MOST LIKED VACATION PHOTO? >> SEEMS LIKE THAT COULDN'T
POSSIBLY HELP, BUT SURE. GOT TO SAY, ADAM, DON'T LOVE THAT HAND MOTION.
OKAY. OKAY. I HAVE MY ANSWER.
>> ALL RIGHTY. >> ALL RIGHT. GOING TO KICK THINGS OFF WITH A
HOLY MOLY! >> ARE YOU SURE? >> YEAH, YEAH.
BUT I GOT THREE MORE, THOUGH. HOLY MOLY! HOLY CRAP!
YOUR BODY IS MAKING MY PENIS SMILE. >> ALL RIGHT.
SORRY, ADAM. YOU ALMOST HAD IT THERE. >> OH, OKAY.
I DID? >> NO. ARMY, IT'S YOUR TURN TO RESPOND.
YOUR MESSAGE IS, HEY, ARMY, HOPE YOU'RE DOING OKAY. >> ALL RIGHT.
LOOK. I KNOW THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TALK ABOUT ME IN THE PRESS, BUT
I'VE DONE A LOT OF WORK ON MYSELF, AND I'VE CHANGED. SO I HAVE MY MESSAGE.
>> WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE? >> I WANT TO BREAK OPEN YOUR BONES AND SUCK OUT THE MARROW.
>> ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO TO NEIL. YOUR MESSAGE IS, HEY, NEIL, I
LOVE YOUR PODCAST. >> OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT A KIND MESSAGE.
WHAT A NICE WOMAN. DESERVES A WELL-RESEARCHED RESPONSE.
PLEASE SHOW ME HER MOST LIKED VACATION PHOTO. >> YOU TOO, NEIL?
ALL RIGHT. >> UH-HUH. OKAY.
CALCULATING. >> NOW, NEIL, LET ME HELP YOU OUT HERE.
YOU WILL WIN IF YOU JUST SAY, THANK YOU. >> I HAVE AN ALTERNATE RESPONSE.
SALUTATIONS. PERHAPS IF THE STARS DO ALIGN, YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME OVER AND
PEER INTO MY TELESCOPE, METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING. >> NOW, NEIL, ARE YOU ASKING
THAT WOMAN TO LOOK INTO YOUR PENIS? >> I SUPPOSE I WAS.
IS THAT NOT NORMAL? >> NO. NO.
ALL RIGHT. NEXT UP IS BOWEN YANG. BOWEN, GOT A GOOD FEELING YOU'RE
GOING TO WIN THIS ROUND. >> ME TOO. >> YOUR MESSAGE IS, HEY, I'M A
HUGE FAN. I WOULD LOVE TON YOUR FRIEND. >> THAT'S SO NICE.
I'LL JUST SAY -- >> JUST BEFORE YOU START. THIS MESSAGE IS FROM DUA LIPA.
>> OH, NO! >> GOT A RESPONSE, BOWEN? >> HOLY MOLY!
HOLY CRAP! YOUR MUSIC MAKES MY PENIS SMILE. >> BOWEN, COME ON, MAN.
HORRIBLE. OKAY. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK
BREAK, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL SEE IF ANY OF THESE GUYS CAN JUST SAY NOTHING AT ALL.
>> I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, I'M GOING TO SAY, A MIGHT NEED TO SEE THAT BOOTY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND!
>> OH, NO, NO, NO. >> YOU, WE NEED EVERYTHING FROM THE VAULT IN THE BAG.
>> DO WHAT WE SAY, AND NO ONE HAS TO GET HURT. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> OPEN THE VAULT, LADY. >> I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN. >> WELL, PICK IT UP!
>> WHAT WAS THAT? >> I'M SORE ARE I. I'M NOT CALLING THE POLICE, I
SWEAR. >> SLIDE IT OVER NOW, OR WE KILL YOU.
>> I WANT TO, BUT I CAN'T. THE BECAUSE IT'S -- >> WHAT IS IT?
>> IT'S TIME TO BE REAL. >> TIME TO BE WHAT? >> TIME TO BE REAL.
>> WAIT. WAIT, IT IS? >> YEP.
I JUST GOT THE NOTIFICATION. >> TIME TO BE REAL. >> EVERYBODY SHUT UP.
>> OR TELL US WHAT BE REAL IS. >> IT'S AMAZING. IT'S THIS APP, IT'S THE ONLY
HONEST SOCIAL MEDIA. >> YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? HONEST SOCIAL MEDIA DOESN'T
EXIST. >> WITH BE REAL, YOU CAN ONLY POST ONCE A DAY WHENEVER THE APP
SENDS OUT A NOTIFICATION. >> SO EVERYONE POSTS WHEREVER THEY ARE WHATEVER THEY'RE DOING.
>> IT'S NOT STATUS ORIENTED, AND THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED BE REAL? >> YES, YOU'RE GETTING IT.
>> EVERYBODY NEEDS TO -- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? >> TWO MINUTES TO POST.
QUICK, QUICK, POSE. >> WAIT, WAIT, SO IS IT A PICTURE OF YOU OR ME?
>> THAT'S THE THING. IT TAKE AS I FRONT AND BACK PHOTO AT THE SAME TIME.
>> THAT IS CRAZY. >> DO YOU GUYS ALL WORK FOR BE REAL OR ANYTHING?
>> NO. WE'RE JUST SO ALIGNED WITH THE MISSION OF THE PLATFORM.
>> YOU, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. >> WHERE THE HELL IS SECURITY?
>> COME ON, YOU DON'T WANT TO POST LATE. >> WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU POST
LATE? >> IT TELLS PEOPLE SO THAT EVERYONE KNOW THAT IS YOUR BE
REAL WASN'T BEING REAL. >> OKAY. I DOWNLOADED IT, AND I'M GOING
TO BE REAL ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT I DOWNLOADED IT, AND I'M GOING >> NO!
DON'T POST THIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. >> NO. NO MORE CUE RATION.
I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW. I'M GOING TO BE REAL.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO. >> DOWNLOAD BE REAL TODAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> HE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR 17 MINUTES.
HE'S GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK. >> HONEY, EVERYTHING OKAY? >> NO ITCHES, NO SCRATCH, MY
BOOTY FEELS SO SNATCHED. THANK YOU, CHARMIN. WE FINALLY CHEEK TO CHEEK.
YEAH, WE FINALLY CHEEK TO CHEEK. THANK YOU, CHARMIN. >> I WAS SO WORRIED FOR A SECOND
THERE, DAD. >> DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE. IT'S NOT MY FIRST TIME, AND IT
WON'T BE MY LAST TODAY. >> AMEN. >> WAIT, WHERE'S TOBY?
WHY DIDN'T HE JOIN IN? >> SORE ARE I. I'M OVER HERE.
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SINGING. >> WHAT'S WRONG, SON? ARE YOU STOPPED UP?
>> YEAH, TOBY, YOU OKAY? WAIT. WHAT YOU READING HERE?
WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS? IT'S AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER, TO
TOILET PAPER COLLEGE. MY SON IS GOING TO TPC. >> WHAT?
>> I'M ABOUT TO CRY. TOILET PAPER COLLEGE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING. >> I'M SORRY, DAD. IT'S NOT.
I'M NOT GOING. >> WAIT. HANG ON NOW.
I DON'T THINK I HEARD YOU RIGHT. >> THEN TAKE THE CHARMIN OUT OF YOUR EARS, DAD.
I CHANGED MY MIND. >> NOW, LISTEN TO ME, BOY. YOU ARE THE FIRST MEMBER OF THIS
FAMILY TO GO TO COLLEGE, AND YOU ARE GETTING THAT BFA. >> I DON'T WANT A BACHELOR OF
FLUSHING ARTS. >> WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT.
>> KEITH, RELAX. >> NO, NO. I WORKED IN THAT TOILET PAPER
MINE FOR 40 YEAR. 40 YEARS. >> IT'S TRUE, TOBY.
HE'S DOWN THERE WITH HIS PICK AX ALL DAY JUST GATHERING UP THOSE ROLLS.
>> AND I DID NOT WORK MY PAWS TO THE BONE JUST TO SEE YOU THROW THIS AWAY.
YOU GETTING THAT DEGREE IN STUDIES. >> WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN OUR
LIFE HAVE TO REVOLVE AROUND GOING TO THE BATHROOM? >> BECAUSE, SWEETIE, WE'RE
BEARS. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WE DO TWO THINGS.
WE EAT HONEY, AND WE SHOOT IT OUT. >> WELL, I WANT MORE, MOM.
I WANT MORE THAN JUST EATING HONEY AND SHOOTING IT OUT. >> YOU ARE NOT MY SON.
>> DAD! DON'T SAY THAT! >> NOW, GO UPSTAIRS IN YOUR
ROOM, STACEY. I'M GOING TO MALL YOUR BROTHER NOW.
>> TOBY, CAN YOU JUST PLEASE DO WHAT HE WANTS? >> WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?
>> WELL, WHAT IS IT? >> I WANT TO DANCE, MAMA. I WANT TO DANCE.
>> WE DANCED AT THE BEGINNING. >> NOT TOILET DANCING, NOT TWERKING BECAUSE OUR ASSS ARE
CLEAN. I'M TALKING ABOUT ART. DON'T YOU GET IT?
>> NO, I DON'T GET THIS DAY AT ALL. >> THEN LET ME SHOW YOU.
WILLIAM, CAN YOU COME IN? >> HELLO. I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING LATE.
I WAS USING YOUR BATHROOM. >> THAT'S OUR KITCHEN. >> THEN YOU HAVE MY APOLOGIES.
>> WHO IS THIS? >> I MET HIM IN DANCE CLASS. >> WHAT?
>> I CAN TELL BY YOUR REACTION THAT THIS IS SHOCKING NEWS, BUT I HAVE MORE.
YOUR SON IS GOOD. >> PLEASE, DAD, JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS, BUT ALL RIGHT. BUT IF I'M NOT IMPRESSED, YOU
ARE GOING TO THAT DOO DOO COLLEGE. >> DEAL.
I'M SO SCARED. >> HEY, DON'T BE. **
>> HONEY, YOU'RE CRYING. >> YES, MY SON IS A DANCER.
CLOUD BAR IS HOPPING TONIGHT. >> HELL YEAH IT IS. GOING TO BE A GOOD NIGHT.
>> DAMN RIGHT. DESERVE IT. I CRUSHED WORK TODAY.
GOD DAMN DAY TRADING, I LIVE FOR IT. >> I STAND DAY TRADING, BRO.
>> NOT GOING TO LIE. GIRLS IN HERE TONIGHT, DECENT. >> LOT OF COUNTING IN THE ROOM
THIS EVE. GOING TO GET MY FLIRT ON THEN MY SQUIRT ON.
YOU FEEL ME? >> YES, DUDE. >> LATELY I HAVE BEEN INTO THE
FLAT ASS, FLAT CHEST, TINY TEETS. >> NOT SO MUCH INTO THE TINY
TEETS, BUT I'M LOOKING FOR A HONEY TO MAKE A MESS WITH. OH, YEAH.
HOT ALERT. LET'S FLIRT WITH THESE TOO. >> OH, YEAH.
CHARM NEVER DID NO HARM. [ LAUGHTER ] >> GETTING DRUNK?
>> SORRY? >> YOU GUYS GETTING DRINKUS? >> OH, DRINKS, YEAH.
>> COOL, COOL. ALCOHOL! BOOP, BOOP, SORRY.
YEAH, I LOVE ALCOHOL. >> I WORK IN FINANCE. >> OKAY.
COOL. EXCUSE ME, BARTENDER? >> YEAH, WHAT DO YOU NEED,
SWEETIE? >> CAN I GET A STELLA? >> STELLA.
>> AND CAN I GET A VODKA CRAN? >> OH, CRANBERRY, UH-OH, UTI? >> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOP. THAT WAS WEIRD. WHY AM I TALKING LIKE THIS.
PUT THESE FAIR MAIDS DRINKS ON MY TAB. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
>> YES, WITH YOUR FINEST TOP SHELF LIQUOR. >> OKAY.
TOP SHELF HAS A $90 UPCHARGE. IS THAT OKAY? >> OH, NOT SO MUCH.
WHY SO SERIOUS? BATMAN. NOW NO.
WE CHILLING, NO. HOW MUCH IS THE LICK TORE THREE SHELVES DOWN FROM THE TOP?
>> ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST DO STOILY. YOU GOT A TAB?
>> MY NAME IS NICK CHODECORK. IT'S A BVA DEBIT. >> SO YOU GUYS ARE FRIENDS?
>> YEAH. >> BLACK AND WHITE, HELL YEAH. I'LL CLAP FOR THAT.
>> YEAH. SO LET'S CHAT. DID YOU GUYS BUY YOUR CLOTHES AT
A STORE OR ONLINE? >> STORE. >> STORE AS WELL.
>> Y'ALL LIKE STORES. YEAH. >> I MEAN, IT DEPENDS ON WHICH
ONE. IS SHE ALMOST BACK WITH THE DRINKS.
>> DEPENDS ON WHICH ONE, OKAY, VERY COOL. SOME STORES YOU LIKE.
OTHER STORES, YOU'RE LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. I MIGHT NOT GO IN THERE.
>> YEAH. >> I MEAN, YEAH. >> YEAH.
THAT'S INTERESTING. VERY COOL. STORES.
HEY. WHOO. >> CHODECORK, YOUR CARD WAS
DECLINED. >> PLEASE RUN IT AGAIN. >> WHAT Y'ALL STREAMING?
Y'ALL WATCH STRANGER THINGS? >> IF YOU'RE ASKING IF I WATCH STRANGER THINGS, THEN, YES, I
DO. >> YES. * I'M RUNNING UP THAT HILL *
>> VECNA. BOOBIES! I'M SORRY.
WHY DID I DO THAT? >> I WORK IN FINANCE. >> YES, YOU SAID THAT.
>> HAHA -- YOU GUYS WANT TO COME OVER TO OUR APARTMENT? >> YOU'RE ROOMMATES?
YOU GUYS ARE LIKE 40. >> YEAH, GOOD ONE. >> LET'S JUST GO TO THE PATIO
BAR. >> NICE TALKING. BYE.
>> YEAH. YO, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, BRO? YOUR GAME WAS ON POINT.
>> I KNOW, DUDE, RIGHT? LIKE I'M IN A MAD DRY SPELL RIGHT NOW.
NO JOKE, IT'S BEEN 11 YEARS SINCE I DID IT, BUT LIKE ON PURPOSE, YOU KNOW?
>> YEAH, I MEAN, I'VE NEVER DONE IT. SO I MEAN, I GUESS THE LAST TIME
WAS LIKE I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE, I GUESS. I DON'T KNOW.
SHOULD I JUST LIKE GIVE UP? >> NAH. LET'S DO A LAP.
>> YEAH, MOST MOST DEF.
MAGIC. WE COME TO AMC THEATERS TO LAUGH, TO CRY, TO CARE.
BECAUSE WE NEED THAT, ALL OF US. THAT INDESCRIBABLE FEELING WE GET WHEN THE LIGHTS BEGIN TO
DIM. OH, I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT. AND WE GO PLACES WE'VE NEVER
BEEN BEFORE, NOT JUST ENTERTAIN, BUT SOMEHOW REBORN TOGETHER. DAZZLING IMAMGS ON A HUGE SILVER
SCREEN. SOMEHOW HEART BREAK FEELS GOOD IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
>> HEARTBREAK FEELS GOOD IN A PLACE LIKE THIS. HEARTBREAK FEELS GOOD IN A PLACE
LIKE THIS. >> AND I CAN FEEL. OUR HEROES FEEL LIKE THE BEST
PART OF US, AND OUR STORIES FEEL PERFECT. >> WHAT THE HELL?
>> WE ARE HERE! AMC, WE MAKE MOVIES BETTER. >> WHAT THE [ BLEEP ] JUST
HAPPENED?
[ APPLAUSE ] ******* WITH THE EYE PATCH
TAKE OFF THE UNLOYAL TAKE OFF THE UNSURE * * TAKE OFF DECISIONS I LACK
TAKE OFF THE FAKE DEEP TAKE OFF THE FAKE WOKE TAKE OFF THE I'M BROKE *
HUH, TWO ATMS * * YOU STEPPIN' OR WHAT YOU OUT OF POCKET, HUH
WHO YOU THINK THEY TALK 'BOUT TALK ABOUT US * * YOU OUT OF POCKET
SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT WHO YOU THINK THEY COPY OFF COPY OFF US *
* GET BACK IN POCKET SERVIN' UP A LOOK DANCIN' IN THE DROUGHT
HELLO TO THE BIG STEPPER * * NEVER LOSIN' COUNT VENTIN' IN THE SAFE HOUSE
VENTIN' IN THE SA-, AHH CAN I VENT ALL MY TRUTH * * I GOT NOTHIN' TO LOSE
I GOT PROBLEMS AND POOLS I CAN SWIM IN MY FAITH CAMERA'S MOVIN' *
* WHENEVER I'M MOVIN' THE FAMILY SUIN' WHATEVER I MAKE
MURDER IS STACKIN' * * THE PRESIDENT ACTIN' THE GOVERNMENT TAXIN'
MY FUNDS IN THE BANK HOMIES ATTRACTIN' THE FEDS * * WHEN I'M BRACKIN'
LOOK AT MY REACTION MY PUPILS ON SKATES LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS *
* FOR A SECOND TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD DO FOR AESTHETIC
WOULD YOU SELL YOUR SOUL * * ON CREDIT WOULD YOU SELL YOUR BRO
FOR LEVERAGE WHERE THE HYPOCRITES AT * * WHAT COMMUNITY FEEL
THEY THE ONLY ONES RELEVANT WHERE THE HYPOCRITES AT WHAT COMMUNITY FEEL *
* THEY THE ONLY ONES RELEVANT YOU OUTTA POCKET
YEAH, YOU OUTTA POCKET * * YOU ENTERTAIN THE MEDIOCRE NEED TO STOP IT
YOU ENTERTAININ' OLD FRIENDS WHEN THEY TOXIC * * WHAT'S YOUR LIFE LIKE
AND GOSSIP WHAT IS CANCEL CULTURE, DAWG SAY WHAT I WANT ABOUT YOU *
* I'M LIKE OPRAH, DAWG I TREAT YOU LIKE I'M WATCH I OWN IT ALL
OH * * YOU WORRIED 'BOUT A CRITIC THAT AIN'T PROTOCOL *
* YOU'RE OUT OF POCKET * * YOU ENTERTAINER MEDIA NEED TO STOP IT *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> IN A SPEECH AFTER ANNEXING SECTIONS OF UKRAINE, VLADIMIR PUTIN ATTACKED THE U.S. FOR SAY
TANNISM AND DENOUNCED THE MANY GENDERS IN FASHION IN THE U.S. IT WAS A HATEFUL, UNHINGED
SPEECH WHICH HAS MANY AMERICANS CALLING HIM ELECTABLE. >>> THE KREMLIN CELEBRATED THE
ILLEGAL ANNEXATION OF UKRAINE WITH ENTERTAINMENT IN THE RED SQUARE.
SAY WHAT YOU WILL, BUT A GIG IS A GIG. >> MOSCOW URGING ALL SIDS IN
RUSSIA TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. OH, COOL, I'LL TRY TO DO THAT, SAID BRITTNEY GRINER.
>> HURRICANE IAN HIT FLORIDA THIS WEEK, AND GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS CALLED T IT A 500 YEAR
FLOODING EVENT. IT'S SUCH A TRAGEDY THAT DeSANTIS WON'T LET THEM TEACH
ABOUT IT IN FLORIDA SCHOOLS. >> AND AT A WHITE HOUSE EVENT, PRESIDENT BIDEN ASKED, WHERE'S
JACKIE, APPARENTLY FORGETTING SHE DIED LAST MONTH. WORSE, HE KEEPS FORGETTING THAT
THIS WOMAN IS STILL ALIVE. >> THE ELECTORAL COUNT REFORM ACT WAS APPROVED BY ALL MEMBERS
OF A SENATE COMMITTEE EXCEPT FOR TED CRUZ. COINCIDENTALLY, EVERYONE EXCEPT
FOR TED CRUZ IS ALSO WHO JESUS LOVED. >> JENNY THOMAS, WHO'S BEGGING
YOU TO NOTICE THE SCARF, SO SHE CAN SAY, OH, THIS OLD THING -- REPORTEDLY TOLD THE COMMITTEE
HER HUSBAND WAS UNAWARE IN HER INVOLVEMENT TO CHALLENGES IN THE 2020 ELECTION, AND THEY NEVER
DISCUSSED ANY CASE BEFORE THE COURT. IF THERE'S ONE THING I BELIEVE,
IT'S THAT THIS GUY DOESN'T TALK TO HIS WIFE. >>> REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREEN REVEALED HER HUSBAND HAS FILED FOR DIVORCE AFTER 27 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
HE BLAMED IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES FOR THE SPLIT WHILE SHE BLAMED THE JEWS.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN ON SATURDAY ATTENDED A FORMAL CEREMONY WELCOMING JUSTICE KETANJI BROWN
JACKSON TO THE SUPREME COURT. SAID PRESIDENT BIDEN, AND WHERE'S RUTH BADER GINSBURG?
WHERE'S RUTH BADER GINSBURG? COME UP HERE?
EXPRESSED CONCERN ABOUT REPUBLICANS CHANCES IN THE MIDTERM.
HERE TO EXPLAIN IS MITCH McCONNELL AND HERSCHEL WALKER. >> PLEASURE, PLEASURE.
>> YEAH, LET'S GO TEAM. ALL RIGHT. >> SO HERSCHEL, YOU'RE A FORMER
NFL PLAYER. >> YES. >> WITH NO FORMER EXPERIENCE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> AND YOU WERE CAUGHT LYING ABOUT HAVING THREE SECRET
CHILDREN. >> YES, SIR. >> SO SENATOR McCONNELL, DO YOU
REALLY THINK THIS GUY IS READY TO BE A SENATOR? >> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY,
AND I SAY, GO HERSCHEL WALKER. >> WELL, I LOVE YOU TOO, MITCH McCONIC.
ME AND MITCH ARE LIKE TWO PEAS IN A BAG. >> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU'VE ALREADY SAID SOME THINGS THAT HAVE REPUBLICANS WORRIED.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU SAID, QUOTE, OUR GOOD AIR DECIDED TO FLOAT OVER TO CHINA'S BAD AIR, SO WHEN
CHINA GETS OUR GOOD AIR, THE BAD AIR GOT TO MOVE OUT. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I'LL SLOW DOWN SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND. WE ALL KNOW AIR, RIGHT?
AIR BUD. >> UH-HUH, YEP. >> AIR JORDAN.
>> SURE. >> ERIN BROKOVICH. >> SURE.
>> YOU SEE, SCIENTISTS DON'T UNDERSTAND. EVERYBODY TALK ABOUT CLIELT.
BUT WHAT WE REALLY SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON IS PULLING HAWAII CLOSER.
BRING THAT CLIMATE OVER HERE. >> I LIKE THAT IDEA. >> THEY DON'T NEED IT.
THEY LITTLE. THAT'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO LOOK AT VERY CLOSELY, RIGHT, DISH?
>> IT'S MITCH. >> EXACTLY. >> SENATOR McCONNELL, I GOT TO
ASK, WHAT QUALIFICATIONS DOES THIS GUY ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE IN THE SENATE?
>> THERE'S TOO MANY TO NAME. FIRST OF ALL, HE PLAYED FOOTBALL, AND GEORGIA LOVES
FOOTBALL. >> EVERYBODY LOVES FOOTBALL. BASEBALL.
IN FACT, MAN, CATCHING BALLS IS WHAT MAKES US DIFFERENT FROM APES.
AND LISTEN, IF WE COME FROM APES, WHY ARE THERE STILL APES OUT THERE?
RIDDLE ME THAT, OBAMA MICHELLE. >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DO YOU HAVE ANY REAL POLICY
PROPOSALS? >> OF COURSE I DO. I WROTE DOWN A FEW FOR MITCH ON
THE WAY DOWN HERE. GO AHEAD AND READ THAT THERE, MITCH.
>> PROPOSAL NUMBER ONE, BARBECUE TUESDAY. >> THERE IT IS.
>> NUMBER TWO, LET'S GET A DAYTIME MOON, THAT WAY, NO MORE RAIN.
>> BOOM. >> AND NUMBER THREE, CREATE A DEPARTMENT OF INSTAGRAM BOOTY,
TOO MANY GIRLS OUT HERE FAKING THEIR CAKE. >> IT AIN'T RIGHT.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL THEM ABOUT YOURSELF. >> THANK YOU, STITCH.
DON'T MIND IF I DO. WHERE'S MY CAMERA? IS IT DOWN HERE?
>> NO. IT'S RIGHT THERE, MAN. IT'S THERE.
>> OH, OKAY. HI, OF AMERICA. MY NAME IS HERSCHEL BERSHEL,
WHENEVER I'M IN HARD TIME, I THINK ABOUT THE STRENGTH OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS, GEORGE CARVER
WASHINGTON, THE JEFFERSONS, AND BENJAMIN FRANKENSTEIN. THEY CHANGED THE WORLD WHEN THEY
GOT TOGETHER AND WROTE THE BIBLE, AND WHEN I'M THE GOVERNMENT, WE GOING TO SEE.
>> MITCH McCONNELL AND HERSCHEL WALKER, EVERYBODY.
UNVEILED KING CHARLES III'S NEW ROYAL MONOGRAM. THE C STANDS FOR CHARLES, THE R
IS FOR REX, AND THE THREE IS HOW MANY HUNDREDS OF YARDS BRINS ANDREW HAS TO STAY FROM SCHOOLS.
>> WHILE PERFORMING IN WASHINGTON, LIZZO PLAYED A CRYSTAL FLUTE ON STAGE THAT WAS
ONCE OWNED BY JAMES MADISON. SO WE HAVE HAD A GAY PRESIDENT. THE DEA IS WARNING THAT DRUG
CARTELS ARE USING RAINBOW COLORED FENTANYL TO TARGET YOUNG PEOPLE.
FOR CONCERNED PARENTS, HERE'S WHAT RAINBOW FENTANYL LOOKS LIKE.
>> THE WHITE HOUSE HAS INTRODUCED A NEW PLAN TO PUT NUTRITION LABELS ON THE FRONT
INSTEAD OF THE BACK. SO TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE OVERALL HEALTH OF AMERICANS,
WE'RE TOO LAZY TO DO THIS -- >> THAT'S A LOT. THAT'S A LOT.
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT BY 2025, NEW YORK WILL INSTALL CAMERAS IN EVERY SUBWAY CAR.
HUH, I THOUGHT IT WAS ILLEGAL TO PUT CAMERAS IN BATHROOMS. >> POLICE IN FLORIDA SAY THAT
MULTIPLE SHOTS WERE FIRED DURING A FIGHT OUTSIDE A CHUCKY CHEESE, BUT THERE WERE NO VICTIMS
LOCATED. HMM, MAYBE CHECK THE PIZZA.
RECEIVED BACKLASH WHEN INSTAGRAM PHOTOS FROM A FAMILY EVENT SUGGEST HER PARENTS MIGHT BE
TRUMP SUPPORTERS. HERE TO COMMENT IS ONE OF OUR CAST NEWEST MEMBERS, MICHAEL
LONGFELLOW. >> HELLO. THANK YOU.
HEY, COLIN. >> HEY, MICHAEL.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SYDNEY SWEENEY GETTING ALL THIS BACKLASH FOR HAVING CONSERVATIVE
PARENTS? >> WELL, MY FAMILY IS FROM ARIZONA, SO IF YOU CAN GET IN
TROUBLE FOR WHAT YOUR PARENTS THINK, IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN. >> THEY'RE CONSERVATIVE?
>> WELL, MY DAD IS ANTI-COVID VACCINE. HE DOESN'T REALLY BELIEVE IN THE
VIRUS. WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE EVERY ANTIVAX ARTICLE HE SENDS ME
GIVES ME TEN OF THEM. >> DO YOU READ THE ARTICLE? >> I TRY, BUT THERE'S SO MUCH
CENSUS PORN ON THE SIDE. >> YOU DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM YOUR DAD?
>> NO. THEY COULD BE DEAD TOMORROW. YOU SHOULDN'T CUT THEM OUT OF
YOUR LIVES. SPEND TIME WITH THEM. CALL THEM, GET IN THE WILL.
>> RIGHT. BUT THE SYDNEY SWEENEY THING WASN'T JUST ABOUT THE VACCINE.
IT WAS ALSO HER PARENTS WERE TRUMP SUPPORTERS, RIGHT? >> WELL, MY DAD DOESN'T HATE
THAT GUY. HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE ANTIVAX ARIZONA LIBERALS YOU'RE ALWAYS
READING ABOUT. YOU GOT TO STAND UP TO YOUR PARENTS.
I SAT HIM DOWN, AND I TOLD HIM, YOU KEEP GOING DOWN THIS PATH, I MIGHT HAVE TO PAY FOR MY OWN CAR
INSURANCE NEXT YEAR. THEN HE TOLD ME HOW MUCH IT WAS, AND I SAID, WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT WHEN I SAID THAT. I'M SORRY. >> AND WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF
YOUR FAMILY? >> DO YOU CONSIDER STEP MOMS FAMILY?
>> YEAH, I THINK SO. >> AH, SHOOT. LISTEN.
FAMILY DYNAMICS ARE COMPLICATED. YOU GET IT. I IMAGINE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN
YOUR FAMILY ARE REPUBLICAN. >> WELL, NOT REALLY. >> NO, JUST YOU?
>> I DON'T KNOW. I WOULD SAY I'M MORE LIKE A BILL MA ARE, R LIBERAL, YOU KNOW?
>> RIGHT. A REPUBLICAN. LISTEN.
JUST TO MAKE IT SUPER CLEAR, I'M VERY LIBERAL. I'M NOT A REPUBLICAN.
I MEAN, UNLESS I GET BOARDING GROUP A AT THE AIRPORT, THEN I'LL BE ONE FOR LIKE FOUR
MINUTES. USUALLY I'M LIKE ANARCHY, CHAOS. DON'T TOUCH ME, GET OFF MANY E.
THAT'S HOW RICH PEOPLE SAY GET OFF ME. YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LIKE ONE 1/2
TIMES. GET YOUR HANDS OFF -- I SAID GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
>> MIKE LONGFELLOW, EVERYBODY. >> THANKS, COLIN. [ APPLAUSE ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
PODCAST, AND BECAUSE IT'S THE CIA, THEY'RE LAUNCHING IT DIRECTLY INTO AN AFGHANI
WEDDING. >> NEW ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER GEORGIA MELONI HAS BEEN ACCUSE
OFFED OF SPREADING WHITE SUPREMACIST IDEAS, WHICH IS CRAZY.
WE'RE NOW COUNTING ITALIANS AS WHITE? >> ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR NEW
VIDEO GAMES IS TROMBONE CHAMP, WHICH IS A GUITAR HERO STALE GAME FOR THE TROMBONE.
TROMBONE CHAMP IS ALSO THE NICKNAME OF A VERY POPULAR LADY IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> A NEW STUDY SAYS THE COMBINED MASS OF EVERY ANT ON EARTH IS GREATER THAN THE MASS OF EVERY
MAMMAL AND BIRD COMBINED, THANKS MOSTLY TO THIS JUICY BITCH. >> THIS SUMMER, AN INVASIVE
SPECIES, THE SPOTTED LANTERN FLY HAS SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE
NORTHEAST DESTROYING LOCAL VEGETATION. EXPERTS ARE SO CONCERNED,
THEY'RE URGING PEOPLE TO KILL THEM ON SIGHT. IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU MIGHT
AGREE. >> I'M A SPOTTED LANTERN FLY. I DON'T CARE WHAT EXPERTS SAY,
I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR CROPS. SCIENTISTS ARE WORRIED ABOUT MY HIGHLY REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY
BECAUSE I'M A PLAYER. MY GOALS ARE TO LAY EGGS, BE ON JUDGE JUDY, AND EAT EVERY CROP.
AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND. >> WELL, LET'S BRING HIM OUT. A SPOTTED LANTERN FLY, EVERYONE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. BOO ME, BOO ME. Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
BOO ME, HATERS. Y'ALL HATERS CAN KISS MY ASS, AKA MY SECRETION HOUSE.
>> YOU'RE COMING IN A LITTLE AGGRESSIVE. >> OH, I'M AGGRESSIVE.
I'M THE ONE WHO'S DOING THE AGGRESSIVE MICHAEL CHE? PEOPLE ARE TELLING THEIR
CHILDREN TO STOMP ME TO DO. WHAT IS THIS MONSTER GERMANY? >> I THINK YOU MEAN NAZI
GERMANY. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I'M A BUG.
I'M TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE, FIND A MATE, AND HAVE 3 TO 4,000 BABIES.
>> THAT'S A LOT OF BABIES. >> HEY, THEY HATING, I'M MATING. WHO WOULD WANT TO SIT ON THIS.
LOOK AT THAT UNDERWING. YEAH. THIS WHAT Y'ALL LOOK LIKE TRYING
TO STOMP ME. KEEP STOMPING. I EVEN LOOK GORGEOUS DEAD,
BITCH. >> RELAX. WHAT DO YOU SAY OF THE PEOPLE
ACCUSING YOU OF BEING AN INVASIVE SPECIES? >> INVASIVE, MY FAMILY HAS BEEN
IN THIS COUNTRY FOR GENERATIONS. >> HOW LONG IS THAT? >> ABOUT FOUR MONTHS.
>> OOUF ALSO BEEN THREATENING THE LOCAL VEGETATION. >> HOW?
BECAUSE I JUMP ON A LOCAL TREE AND STICK MY MOUTH ON IT AND SUCK THE SAP OUT UNTIL IT'S
DEAD. Y'ALL GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT? OH, I'M HERE NOW, CATCH ME
OUTSIDE, SUCKING ALL YOUR TREES TO DEATH. >> PEOPLE RELY ON THE CROPS
YOU'RE DESTROYING. >> I DON'T CARE. CROPS NOWS WHAT THEY DID.
IF I SEE CROPS, I'M SUCKING THEM ON SITE. >> WELL, LANTERN FLY, WE GOT A
LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU. CROPS IS ACTUALLY HERE TONIGHT. >> OH, HELL NO!
>> LET'S BRING CROPS OUT. >> DON'T SUCK ME TO DEATH! TRY!
YOU CAN'T EVEN FLY! >> I CAN. >> YOU DOING A LOT OF TALKING,
BUT YOU AIN'T DOING A LOT OF SUCKING. >> KEEP STOMPING, BITCH, KEEP
STOMPING. GOODNIGHT
McDONALD'S IS GETTING THE GANG BACK TOGETHER FOR A NEW AD CAMPAIGN.
>> OH, TOTALLY. THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN. HEY, HAS ANYONE SEEN GRIMACE?
>> NO, BUT IF I KNOW HIM, HE'S SCARFING DOWN A COUPLE PREGAME BURGERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HEY, PROBABLY MORE THAN A COUPLE, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HI, EVERYONE. >> WHAT THE --
>> HEY, FELLAS, HOW ARE WE? >> GRIMACE? OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU -- >> LOSE 300 POUNDS THIS SUMMER? YEAH.
>> MAN, YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE. I HAD NO IDEA THAT -- >> LOST 300 POUNDS AND GOT
TOTALLY YOKED UP? YEAH. >> COOL.
SO THEN, HOW DID YOU -- >> DROP THREE HUNDO AND GET STACKED TO THE HEAVENS?
WELL, I STARTED WALKING TO WORK, DRANK A LOT OF WATER, AND -- OH, I STOPPED EATING McDONALD'S FOR
EVERY MEAL. >> WELL, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU. PAULA MUST BE THRILLED.
>> OH, WELL, YES, SHE'S HAPPY FOR ME, BUT, UH, YEAH, WE GOT DIVORCED.
>> NO! YOU GUYS WERE SO SOLID! WHAT HAPPENED?
>> WELL, I GOT THIS NEW BODY, AND -- LOOK, I HATE TO SAY IT, FELLAS,
BUT I WAS SWERVING THIS SUMMER. >> WAIT. SWERVING?
>> WHAT IS "SWERVING"? >> CHEATING CONSTANTLY ON MY WIFE.
>> WELL, MAYBE WE SHOOT THAT COMMERCIAL. >> ABSOLUTELY, MAN, IT'S YOUR
WORLD. IT'S BEEN A LONG SUMMER OF SELF DISCOVERY, AND I WANT YOU TO
KNOW, IF YOU DO THE WORK AND DIG REALLY DEEP, I PROMISE YOU YOU'LL FIND SOME SURPRISES.
MYWAY, LET'S DO THIS, BROTHER. I'M EXCITED. >> OKAY.
GREAT. EVERYONE READY? >> YEAH!
>> AND ACTION. >> I WANT A McDOUBLE. >> I WANT TO STEAL YOUR
HAMBURGERS. >> I WANT TO GET THE WHOLE WORLD A HAPPY MEAL.
>> AND I -- WELL, I'M A BISEXUAL MAN. >> AND CUT.
CUT. >> WOW. FELT REALLY GOOD TO SAY THAT.
>> GRIMACE, YOU'RE BISEXUAL? >> YEAH. I LIKE BOTH.
THIS SUMMER, I REALIZED THAT. I WAS GETTING OFF A PLANE, AND WHEN I SAID BYE TO THE FLIGHT
ATTENDANTS, ONE OF THEM SHOOK MY HAND AND KISSED IT, AND I REALIZED, EHH, I LIKE BOTH.
>> OKAY. CONGRATS, GRIMACE. >> AND I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT
I'M BI IN THE COMMERCIAL. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, AND I DON'T REALLY EAT McDONALD'S
ANYMORE. >> LET ME THINK ABOUT THAT. >> HEY, IF YOU'RE HAPPY, WE'RE
HAPPY. >> HAPPY, YEAH. AM I HAPPY?
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW. I THINK I AM HAPPY.
[ LAUGHTER ] GUYS, I HAVE SOME PRETTY BIG NEWS.
I'M BISEXUAL. >> YEAH, YOU SAID THAT ALREADY. >> WELL, IT'S JUST LIBERATING TO
LET GO OF A SECRET. BUT I GUESS YOU GUYS WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
>> WELL, I GOT A SECRET. >> OH, MY GOD, MAYOR McCHEESE. I FORGOT YOU WERE THERE.
YOU LITERALLY HAVEN'T SAID A THING SINCE WE HAVE BEEN HERE. >> WELL, THE THING IS I DIDN'T
ALWAYS HAVE A CHEESE BURGER FOR A HEAD. WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN, I WAS A
HUMAN PRINCE. ONE DAY I WENT TO McDONALD'S. OUTSIDE ON THE STREET WAS THE
UGLIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN. SHE WAS BUMPY. ASKING ME TO BUY HER A BURGER.
LONG STORY, I THREW A BUNCH OF BRAND NEW BURGERS IN THE TRASH. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SHE SPOOKED
ME, THAT'S WHY I GOT THIS CHEESE BURGER HEAD. ALSO, I'M BISEXUAL.
>> WE'RE BI TOO! >> HOW ABOUT YOU, RONALD? YOU BI?
>> SURE, I'M BI -- BUYING A PELOTON SO I CAN START SWERVING
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * I COME FROM A GENERATION OF HOME INVASIONS
AND I GOT DADDY ISSUES THAT'S ON ME * * EVERYTHING THEM FOUR WALLS
HAD TAUGHT ME MADE HABITS BURY DEEP THAT MAN KNEW A LOT *
* BUT NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP ME PAST THEM STREETS MY LIFE IS A PLOT
TWISTED FROM DIRECTIONS * * THAT I CAN'T SEE DADDY ISSUES RUN ACROSS
MY HEAD TOLD ME FUMBLE FOUL * * I'M TEARY-EYED
WANNA THROW MY HANDS I WON'T THINK OUT LOUD A FOOLISH PRIDE *
* IF I LOSE AGAIN WON'T GO IN THE HOUSE I STAYED OUTSIDE
LAUGHIN' WITH MY FRIENDS * * THEY DON'T KNOW MY LIFE DADDY ISSUES MADE ME
LEARN LOSSES I DON'T TAKE THOSE WELL * * MAMA SAID
"THAT BOY IS EXHAUSTED" HE SAID, GO IF HE GIVE UP NOW *
* THAT'S GON COST HIM LIFE'S A YOU COULD BE A OR STEP
OUT THE MARGIN * * I GOT UP QUICK I'M CHARGIN' BASKETS
AND FALLING BACKWARDS TRYNA KEEP BALANCE * OH, THIS THE PART WHERE
MENTAL STABILITY MEETS TALENT OH, THIS THE PART HE BREAKS MY HUMILITY *
* JUST FOR PRACTICE TACTICS WE LEARNED TOGETHER SORE LOSERS FOREVER
DADDY ISSUES * * EARLY MORNIN' WAKE UPS PRACTICIN' ON DAY-OFFS
TOUGH LOVE BOTTLED UP NO CHASER * * NEAT, NO CHASER
NEAT, NO CHASER NEAT, NO CHASER NEAT, NO CHASE *
* EARLY MORNIN' WAKE UPS PRACTICIN' ON DAY-OFFS TOUGH LOVE BOTTLED UP
NO CHASER * * NEAT, NO CHASER NEAT, NO CHASER
NEAT, NO CHASER * * I GOT DADDY ISSUES
THAT'S ON ME LOOKIN' FOR, I LOVE YOU RARELY EMPATHIZIN' *
* FOR MY RELIEF A CHILD THAT GREW ACCUSTOMED JUMPING UP WHEN
I SCRAPED MY KNEE * * 'CAUSE IF I CRIED ABOUT IT HE'D SURELY TELL ME
NOT TO BE WEAK DADDY ISSUES * * HID MY EMOTIONS
NEVER EXPRESSED MYSELF MAN SHOULD NEVER SHOW FEELINGS *
* BEING SENSITIVE NEVER HELPED HIS MAMA DIED
I ASKED HIM WHY HE GOIN' * * BACK TO WORK SO SOON HIS FIRST REPLY WAS
SON, THAT'S LIFE AND BILLS GOT NO SILVER SPOON * * DADDY ISSUES GO GET
YOUR MONEY, SON PROTECT YOURSELF TRUST NOBODY *
* ONLY YOUR MAMA'N'EM THIS MADE RELATIONSHIPS SEEM CLOUDY
NEVER ATTACHED TO NONE * * SO IF YOU TOOK SOME LIKINGS AROUND ME
I MIGHT REJECT THE LOVE DADDY ISSUES * * KEPT ME COMPETITIVE
THAT'S A FACT I DON'T GIVE A WHAT'S THE NARRATIVE, I AM THAT *
* WHEN KANYE GOT BACK WITH DRAKE I WAS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED
GUESS I'M NOT MATURE * * AS I THINK GOT SOME HEALIN' TO DO
EGOTISTIC ZERO-GIVEN AND TO BE SPECIFIC * * NEED ASSISTANCE
WITH THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE *
* WHEN YOUR HEART IS MADE OF STONE AND YOUR MIND
IS MADE OF GOLD * * AND YOUR TONGUE IS MADE OF SWORD
BUT IT MAY WEAKEN YOUR SOUL * * MY HOMIES AIN'T GOT
NO DADDY GROW UP OVERCOMPENSATIN' LEARN 'BOUT BEIN' A MAN *
* AND DISGUISE IT AS BEIN' GANGSTA I LOVE MY FATHER
FOR TELLIN' ME TO * * TAKE OFF THE GLOVES 'CAUSE EVERYTHING HE DIDN'T
WANT WAS EVERYTHING I WAS AND TO MY PARTNERS THAT * * FIGURED IT OUT
WITHOUT A FATHER I SALUTE YOU MAY YOUR BLESSINGS *
* BE NEUTRAL TO YOUR TODDLERS IT'S CRUCIAL
THEY CAN'T STOP US * * IF WE SEE THE MISTAKES 'TIL THEN
LET'S GIVE THE WOMEN A BREAK GROWN MEN * * WITH DADDY ISSUES *
** * EARLY MORNIN' WAKE UPS PRACTICIN' ON DAY-OFFS
TOUGH LOVE BOTTLED UP NO CHASER * * NEAT, NO CHASER
NEAT, NO CHASER NEAT, NO CHASER NEAT, NO CHASER *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO. >> OOH! * WE'RE MOVING
WE'RE MOVING WE'RE MOVING WE'RE MOVING *
>> WE'RE MOVING! >> OH, WE'RE MOVING! AND WELCOME TO "CARIBBEAN
QUEENS." >> MY NAME IS TRINITY SUMMERS. >> AND I AM DESIREE WINGO.
AND WE ARE COMING TO YOU LIVE -- >> AND HUNGOVER. >> FROM GRAVER'S RESORT AND SPA,
WHERE THE PARTY NEVER STOPS, AND >> WE MET ON A SPIRIT AIRLINES FLIGHT ON THE WAY OVER.
YEAH, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR A WEEK, BUT WE NEVER -- WE HAVE BEEN HERE FOR FIVE
MONTHS. WE'RE DOING A WHOLE LOT OF LOVING.
>> IT'S OFF PEAK, WHICH MEANS THERE'S NO SUN, BUT THERE'S ALSO NO WOMEN YOUNGER THAN US.
>> YEAH, WE'RE BRAGGING. >> YES, WE ARE. >> NOW PLAY OUR SONG.
>> OUR THEME SONG IS OF COURSE BY THE GREATEST MUSICIAN OF THE LAST 200 YEARS, MR. BILLY OCEAN.
>> THE MAN SINGS SO GOOD, THEY NAMED THE OCEAN AFTER HIM. WHICH BRINGS US TO THE FIRST
SEGMENT OF EVERY SHOW, "GOOGLE IF BILLY OCEAN IS STILL MARRIED".
>> HE IS. >> STILL? >> THAT BITCH.
>> WELL, BLESS THEIR LOVE, AND THAT MEANS I NEED A DRINK. PLEASE WELCOME OUR FAVORITE
BARTENDER, LISA. >> MY NAME IS LEAH, BUT THAT'S OKAY.
>> WE LOVE HER. >> WE'RE SO CLOSE. >> WE'RE LIKE FAMILY.
>> WE DON'T EVEN TIP HER. >> BUT YOU COULD. >> NOW, OUR NEXT SEGMENT IS
"WHAT WE GOT UP TO THIS WEEK". >> WE WENT PA ARE, ASAILING, SHORTS FELL OFF.
>> JET SKIING, SHORTS FELL OFF. >> BREAKFAST BAR, YOU KNOW OUR SHORTS FELL OFF.
>> WELL, OUR GUESTS TODAY AS ALWAYS ARE SOME HUHKY GUYS WE MET LAST NIGHT THAT WE'RE NOW
GOING TO SEE IN THE LIGHT OF DAY. >> WE'RE GOING TO SEE IF THE
SPARKS ARE STILL SPARKING. COME ON OUT, GORDY AND BARACK. >> HEY, LADIES, LOOKING GOOD.
>> YEAH, LOOKING WELL HP LIT, BUT STILL GOOD. >> OH, OKAY.
SO YOU REMEMBER US? >> OH, YEAH, WE DO. I JUST DON'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS
LIKE FUN OR LIKE UH-OH. >> IT WAS BOTH. >> IT WAS BOTH.
SO WE WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU. YOU SAID LAST NIGHT YOU WERE A
SPORTS AGENT? >> I SELL CATHETERS. >> WELL, HOOK A GIRL UP.
>> I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID YOUR JOB WAS, LAWYER? >> WHITE RAPPER.
>> OH, OKAY. I LOVE WHITE RAP. >> WELL, I DO RAP AND REGGAE
TOO. I GO BY SWAGGY. THAT'S WHITE SWAGGY.
* LIFE IS ONE BIG PARTY WHEN YOU'RE STILL YOUNG * >> I'M GOOD TO GO.
>> I'M POPPING, OKAY. IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL VIBE CHECK.
>> LET'S SEE IF THOSE VIBES ARE STILL VIBING. >> HERE WE GO.
>> OKAY. THIS IS NICE. >> GET A LITTLE CLOSER TO ME.
TRINITY, MY GUY'S GOT A HARDY. >> NO, NO, I DON'T. >> LET ME JUST CHECK MINE.
OKAY. HE'S GROWING, ALL RIGHT. IT'S GETTING THERE.
>> MY BAD. >> NO, BABY, IT'S A GOOD THING. >> OKAY.
>> I THINK WE BETTER WRAP THIS SHOW UP BEFORE OUR SHORTS FALL OFF.
>> OH, YEAH. GET IT, LADIES. YOU TWO ARE THE PROUDEST,
OLDEST, SKANKS I'VE EVER SEEN. >> AND BILLY'S LITTLE BROTHER FRANK OCEAN IS HERE.
>> GIVE IT TO US, FRANK. >> I KEEP TELLING YOU, WE ARE NOT RELATED.
>> JUST GET OVER HERE AND SING US THE DAMN SONG. * CARIBBEAN QUEENS, NOW WE
SHARING THE S [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JOHN HAMM, SEAN WHITE. TO MY FAMILY, KELLY, MY WIFE AND MY FRIENDS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU
ARE. I LOVE YOU GUYS. THANK YOU LAUREN, THE CAST AND
CREW, THE BAND, THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE TO ME, AND I'M JUST SO APPRECIATE TIF.
SO THANK YOU ALL FOR SPENDING THIS NIGHT WITH ME, AND EVERYONE AT HOME, JUST PLEASE BE SAFE.
THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.