HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS ANGRY AND CRAZY?
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING OUT AT TARGET, STABBING IS BACK, AND THE ONLY THING TO CHEER US UP IS
WATCHING A SEXY SHOW ABOUT JEFFREY DAHMER. WE ARE LIVING ON THE EDGE, AND
TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO PUSH US OVER AS WE PLAY "SO YOU THINK YOU WON'T SNAP."
THAT'S RIGHT. I'M YOUR HOST, MORGAN FREEGIRL. TONIGHT WE FOUND THE ONLY PEOPLE
IN AMERICA WHO HAVE NOT YET SNAPPED. LET'S MEET 'EM.
IT'S HEATHER, KAYLA, DALE, AND HENRY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE GAME IS SIMPLE. I'LL READ REAL STORIES FROM THE NEWS AND IF YOU KEEP YOUR COOL,
YOU'LL WIN BIG MONEY. ALL RIGHT, HEATHER, YOU'RE UP FIRST IN THE HOT SPOT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEATHER, YOU ARE A MUSIC PROFESSOR AND WHITE YOGA TEACHER
IN BURLINGTON, VERMONT. YES, I'M JUST KIND OF A CHILL PERSON, SO I PROMISE YOU'RE NOT
GONNA GET ME. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. WELL, WE'VE GOT 30 SECONDS ON
THE CLOCK, I'M GONNA READ YOU SOME HEADLINES. TO TELL IF YOU'VE HIT YOUR
BREAKING POINT, YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU A "TODAY SHOW" SIZED GLASS OF WINE.
OH, YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA DRINK THAT. I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR 15 YEARS.
LOVE THAT CONFIDENCE. LET'S PLAY. LET'S START WITH UKRAINE.
GREAT. A MASSIVE BRIDGE EXPLOSION TODAY CUT OFF THE RUSSIAN SUPPLY
CHAIN. I SAW THAT. HOPEFULLY IT BRINGS THIS WAR ONE
STEP CLOSER TO AN END. RIGHT, BECAUSE ON THURSDAY, BIDEN SAID WE WERE CLOSER TO
NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON THAN WE'VE BEEN IN 60 YEARS. DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT THAT
IN MY BRAIN, BUT I LOVE BIDEN. TOTALLY. ME, TOO.
DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD HE IS? DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN JOE BIDEN WAS BORN, WE DIDN'T HAVE
HIGHWAYS? THAT -- THAT'S A FUN FACT. AND JOE BIDEN WAS
53-YEARS-OLD WHEN HE GOT HIS FIRST HOME COMPUTER. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. YOU NEED A SIP OF THAT WINE? NO.
I'M TOTALLY GOOD. WELL, YOUR NEXT ITEM IS A VIDEO CLUE.
PLEASE ENJOY THIS CLIP OF BIDEN TALKING ABOUT HIS MENTAL ACUITY. HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR MENTAL
FOCUS IS? OH, IT IS FOCUSED. [ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK -- I THINK IT'S -- I -- I HAVEN'T -- LOOK. OH.
AND THAT'S A SNAP. MM, MAMA MISSED YOU. UP NEXT IS KAYLA.
KAYLA, GET IN THE HOT SPOT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WELCOME, KAYLA.
YOU SAID YOU ARE A MOM, AND ARE "PICKLEBALL CURIOUS." YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M BLESSED WITH FOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
MM-HM, RIGHT. WELL, NEXT TO YOU IS TRACY, A FLIGHT ATTENDANT FOR FRONTIER
AIRLINES, AND IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN HIT HER. HELLO.
WHAT? OH, GOSH, NO. I -- I DON'T HIT PEOPLE.
THEY GET HIT ALL THE TIME, THERE MUST BE A GOOD REASON. LET'S PLAY.
LET'S START WITH THE GEORGIA SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER.
OH, OH, THE FOOTBALL PLAYER. I -- I LIKE HIM, HE'S GOT MY VOTE.
DO YOU WATCH THE NEWS? NEVER. CAN I TELL YOU SOME THINGS?
UM, I GUESS SO. DID YOU KNOW THATF 0% OF KIDS WHEN THEY GROW UP SAY THEY WANT
TO BE INFLUENCER. WELL, THAT SOUNDS GOOD, BUT MY KIDS ARE SERIOUS.
AND SO NOW, LET'S LOOK AT A TRAILER FROM CHRIS PRATT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM, HERE WE
COME. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ITALIAN. THAT IS HIS WHOLE THING.
OH, IT WAS INEVITABLE. WELL, IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT CONTESTANT.
GET UP HERE, DALE. HELLO. DALE, YOU SAID THAT YOU ARE
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF BIDEN'S NEW WEED POLICY, AND YOU HAD SEX RIGHT BEFORE COMING ON THE SHOW?
YES, I SURE DID. GOD BLESS AMERICA. DALE, FOR YOUR ROUND, A
NUMBER OF SWEETS BEFORE YOU IF YOU SURVIVE YOUR ROUND. ELON MUSK --
OH, THAT MAN MAKES ME SNAP. THAT DUDE IS TALKING ABOUT GOING TO MARS WHEN I WANT TO HAVE A
MARS. WELCOME, AND SO YOU SAID THAT WHAT KEEPS YOU UP IS SOMETHING
THAT IS STEAMY, SO WE HAVE A IRON IN FRONT OF YOU IN CASE YOU NEED TO HIT YOUR HANDS.
OH. THE ORANGE M&M HAS ANXIETY. THAT IS A CANDY.
AND KAYNE WEST. OH, KAYNE, THAT IS OKAY. AND HE SAYS HE HAS OPENED UP
A SCHOOL. THAT IS GOOD. AND NOW HE SAID THAT HE HAS
NOT READ A BOOK IN NIZ LIFE. AND HE WAS TUCKER CARLSON. OH, MAN, HAVE A HEART.
AND NOW, LET'S LOOK AT THE WORLD OF FASHION, WITH A PHOTO OF KAYNE.
OH! AH, THERE WE GO. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL SHOW
AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN AN EPISODE OF "EUPHORIA" AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH
MUSICAL GUEST WILLOW. AND YOUR HOST BRENDAN GLEESON.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRENDAN GLEESON. **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HI, WELL, I'M BRENDAN GLEESON. AND IF YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE ACCENT, I'M IRISH.
AND IF YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE FACE, I'M THAT FELLOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN IN THAT THING YOU
CAN'T REMEMBER, BUT YOU THINK THAT YOU KIND OF LIKE. YEAH, THAT WAS ME.
LET ME SEE. YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN ME IN "BRAVEHEART."
YOU'VE POSSIBLY SEEN ME IN "HARRY POTTER." YOU DEFINITELY HAVEN'T SEEN ME
IN JOEL COHEN'S BLACK AND WHITE "MACBETH," BUT YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.
I THINK IT'S PRETTY GOOD. NOW, I'M NOT REALLY USED TO TELLING JOKES, SO I THOUGHT I'D
PLAY A TUNE FOR YOU INSTEAD. CAN I GET MY MANDOLIN? THANK YOU.
THIS IS THE FIRST TUNE I EVER LEARNED. **
IT WAS MADE FAMOUS BY A MAN CALLED BARNEY McKENNA. **
AND -- ** BARNEY WAS THE BANJO PLAYER WITH
THE DUBLINERS. AND THEY WERE TRAVELING TO A VERY HOT COUNTRY ONE TIME, AND
BARNEY WAS TOLD IT WOULD BE 104 DEGREES IN THE SHADE. AND HE SAYS, "I'LL TELL YOU ONE
THING," BARNEY SAYS. "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THE SHADE."
** YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY HAD VARYING DEGREES OF MUSICALITY.
MY LOVELY AUNTIE NELL, FOR EXAMPLE, WAS FAMOUS BECAUSE HER HIGH NOTES COULD SHATTER GLASS.
ALL THE KIDS WERE TERRIFIED SHE'D BURST INTO SONG AT ANY MOMENT, ESPECIALLY THE KIDS WITH
GLASSES. WHEREAS MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE A NOTE, WELL, HE DID HAVE ONE
NOTE, BUT HE HAD HIS OWN WAY OF GOING ON AND WHEN HE SANG IN OUR SONG, MY SON FERGUS ASKED HIM,
"GRANDDAD, WHY DO YOU COMB YOUR HAIR BEFORE YOU GET INTO BED?" AND DAD SAID, "BECAUSE YOU NEVER
KNOW WHO YOU MIGHT MEET IN YOUR DREAMS." HOW ABOUT THAT, WEIRD AND
WONDERFUL. ** I'LL TELL YOU WHO ELSE IS WEIRD
AND WONDERFUL. COLIN FARRELL. WE WORKED TOGETHER ON "IN
BRUGES" -- AND WE JUST GOT BACK TOGETHER FOR A NEW FILM, "THE BANSHEES OF
INISHERIN." FUNNY ENOUGH, IT'S ABOUT TWO FELLOWS WHO FALL OUT BECAUSE ONE
OF THEM'S A LITTLE TOO NEEDY. AND I MEAN, I LOVE COLIN, BUT THE STORY'S NOT TOO FAR FROM THE
TRUTH.
HEY, BRENDAN. YOU KNOW, I -- I WAS JUST PASSING.
WERE YOU, YEAH? YEAH, WELL, I WAS ON ME WAY THE -- WELL, MUSTACHE SHOP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, BRENDAN? I'M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE," COLIN. OH, THEN I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.
IS IT GOING TO BE A NEEDY QUESTION? NO, A NORMAL.
ASK AWAY. ASK AWAY. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CO-STAR
YOU'VE EVER WORKED WITH? PADDINGTON BEAR. OKAY.
WELL, I MEAN, WELL, WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE HUMAN CO-STAR, WHO'S IRISH AND HE'S ABOUT 46, AND HIS
NAME STARTS WITH A C? CILLIAN MURPHY. OH, YEAH, HE'S QUITE GOOD.
FANTASTIC TO SEE YOU, COLIN. YOU TOO, BRENDAN. WELL, WILL YOU SING A SONG?
WHY NOT? LET'S DO IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * BLOW THAT TRUMPET RING THAT BELL *
* GOING TO HAVE A BLAST HOSTING SNL ** **
WELL DONE.
YOU TONIGHT. WILLOW IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE BACK.
I'M LAURA FIELDS. LET'S GO RIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE WITH OUR VERY OWN KOLLIN
O'DIRTY. COLLIN? COLLIN, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
AND THAT'S CONFIRMED. OH, YEAH, OKAY. BUT, YES.
SORRY, LAURA, I AM GETTING BREAKING NEWS THAT THE TRY GUYS HAVE NOW, IN FACT, RESPONDED TO
THE OLD NED FULMER SITUATION. WOW. I'M SORRY, WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT IS A TRY GUY? LAURA, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW
WHAT A TRY GUY IS? THEY TRY NAIL POLISH OR WEIRD HAIRCUTS AND THEY HAVE EVEN
TRIED EATING BUGS. GOTCHA. AND NOW, BACK TO PRESIDENT
BIDEN, AND NOW, GOING TO THE WEST -- SORRY TO INTERRUPT, LAURA,
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. WE HAVE THE THREE REMAINING TRY GUYS ON THE LINE READY TO TALK.
ARE YOU THERE, TRY GUYS?
THANK YOU. THIS IS, YEAH. JUST SURREAL.
THERE'S A LOT OF ANGER ON THIS COUCH. UMM, OKAY, WELCOME TRY GUYS.
I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THIS STORY IS SUCH A SCANDAL. WAS THIS AFFAIR NON-CONSENSUAL?
NO, WORSE. HE COMMITTED THE HEINOUS ACT OF HAVING A CONSENSUAL KISS, AND
NOT TELLING US, HIS FRIENDS. AND I'M -- I'M SORRY. WHY IS THAT HEINOUS?
WELL, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THE POWER DYNAMICS, LAURA. HE IS A TRY GUY, AND SHE IS A
FOOD BABY. RIGHT, RIGHT. YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAID THAT.
SO WHAT NOW? WELL, WE HAVE CONDUCTED AN INTERNAL REVIEW WITH AN INTERNAL
REVIEW WITH A TEAM OF HR PROFESSIONALS, AND ARE NO LONGER WORKING WITH WHITE GUY TRY GUY
NED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. HE SHOULD BE DEAD.
OKAY, WOW. SO THE FULL STORY IS THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND KISSED A SIDE CHICK
AT A CONCERT. SO YOU CUT HIM OUT COMPLETELY THEN FIRED HIM?
YES. WE HAD NO CHOICE. AND WE HOPE HE IS SOMEWHERE ON
HIS BACK WITH A BULLET IN HIS BRAIN AND BELLY. WHOA.
ISN'T THAT A LITTLE BIT EXTREME? WELL, NO. WELL, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER,
LAURA, THE SIDE CHICK WAS A FOOD BABY. YEAH, YES, YOU KEEP SAYING
THAT. WHAT IS A FOOD BABY? "FOOD BABY" IS A SPINOFF.
FOOD SHOW ON THE TRY GUY'S CHANNEL. YOU IDIOT.
OKAY. STOP. TURNING BACK TO THE NEWS,
VIOLENCE CONTINUES AS IRAN IS ON THE CUSP OF A NEW CULTURAL REVOLUTION.
CUT BACK TO US. NO! DUE TO THE TRAUMA WE ARE
FACING, THE EDITORS ARE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO REMOVE ANY TRACE OF NED FROM PAST TRY GUYS'
CONCERTS. THIS IS THE BATTLE OF OUR LIVES. WHOA!
JAY-Z CHEATED ON BEYONCE. IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. CUT BACK TO US.
LOOK AT ME. THIS IS THE FACE OF GRIEF. NO, IT'S NOT.
IT IS THOUGH. AND JUST FYI, WE ARE STILL GOING TO BE RELEASING SOME PREVIOUSLY
FILMED BRANDED VIDEOS. SO, YEAH, YOU MIGHT SEE NED IN "SWEET GREEN PRESENTS: THE TRY
GUYS TRY SALAD WITH BUGS ON TOP."
BALLS, BUT IT WILL STILL BE SAD BALLS, BECAUSE WE ARE ALL STILL PROCESSING THIS HORRIFIC AND
PROBABLY RACIST TRAGEDY. CAN YOU CUT BACK TO ME, PLEASE?
NO. HEAR THIS, AMERICA. WE WILL NEVER STOP BRINGING YOU
THE SAME TRY GUYS ADVENTURE. I WILL STILL BE TRYING SUPER WEIRD CAMBODIAN FOOD.
AND ZACH WILL STILL BE TRYING SUPER WEIRD MALAYSIAN FOOD. AND KEITH IS STILL GOING TO TRY
WEARING A THONG FOR A WEEK, BECAUSE IT'S OUR DUTY. OKAY.
THIS IS TOO TRAUMATIC. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER. THANK YOU FOR YOUR BRAVERY
TRY GUYS. KNOW THAT THE COUNTRY IS WITH YOU.
WHAT IS TODAY'S DATE? WHATEVER IT IS, NEVER FORGET. FOR CNN, I'M COLLIN O'DIRTY.
AND THEY ARE MILLIONAIRES. OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO SEE WHAT KETAMINE IS ALL ABOUT.
THIS HAS BEEN CNN. GOODNIGHT.
"SNL," YOU GET A LOT OF ADVICE. ADVICE FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, VETERAN CAST MEMBERS, EVEN
LORNE. LORNE TOLD ME, "DON'T DO TOO MUCH IN THE FIRST COUPLE SHOWS."
LET THE AUDIENCE DISCOVER YOU AND GET TO KNOW YOU. UNTIL WE FIND WRITERS WHO
UNDERSTAND MY VOICE, MY ODD HAUNTING VOICE. HE TOLD ME TO JUST BE ME.
TO TRUST MY INSTINCTS FROM STAND-UP. AND I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE AN
AUDIENCE. HE WAS REALLY SWEET ABOUT IT. SEE?
THIS IS ALL KIND OF CRAZY TO HEAR, BECAUSE ON DAY ONE, LORNE TOLD ME WHEN HE OFF, AND HE
SAID, "MOLLY, THERE IS ONLY ONE REASON YOU ARE HERE. I NEED YOU TO KILL
VLADIMIR PUTIN." HE ASKED YOU IF HE'S GONE. HE SAID, "DON'T WORRY, THE
SERIAL NUMBERS HAVE BEEN SCRATCHED OFF. HE'LL NEVER TRACE IT BACK TO
US." I'M LIKE, "US?" I, FOR ONE, HAD SAID, "DON'T
EXPECT TO SEE IN A BUNCH OF SKETCHES RIGHT AWAY." LORNE SAID TO REALLY TAKE MY
TIME. YOU KNOW, MAYBE, DON'T EVEN WRITE A SKETCH UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
MY UNCLE SAID, "MAKE SURE TO GET AN ACCOUNTANT, AND WATCH HIM, BECAUSE SOMEBODY WILL TAKE
MY MONEY." I TOLD LORNE, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.
I WOULD RATHER BE ON SKETCHES, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I CAME HERE TO DO."
AND LORNE GOES, "EVERYBODY HAS DONE SKETCHES, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL FERRELL AND ADAM SANDLER
NEVER DID? KILL VLADIMIR PUTIN." I TOLD HIM TO WAIT.
I TOLD MY AGENT ABOUT THIS. DAVID SPADE CALLED AND SAID, "CONGRATS ON YOUR FIRST UPDATE
FEATURE. WE'RE BOTH FROM ARIZONA, SO THAT WAS REALLY COOL."
I GOT FLOWERS FROM KRISTIN WIIG. I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S INSANE."
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE SHE KNOWS WHO I AM. I GET A CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT. IT'S FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, JOHN KERRY.
AND HE SAID, "COME ON, LORNE. CAN YOU BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES WITH YOUR BAGS PACKED?"
I'M THINKING, "PACKED WITH WHAT?" I FEEL LIKE HE WAS PART OF A
LARGER FAMILY, ALL OF A SUDDEN. I SAW MY PHOTO ON THE SAME WALL WITH EDDIE MURPHY.
I MEAN, "THAT'S CRAZY." YOU KNOW, I SAW MY PHOTO ON THAT I WAS RECOGNIZED AND THEY
THOUGHT THAT I WAS KEENAN, BUT THAT IS OKAY. AND LORNE SAID, WE CAN GET
YOU TO RUSSIA, BUT I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT WE WILL GET YOU OUT.
AND SO, I GET TO LORNE'S AT 4:00 A.M. IT'S JOHN KERRY, BILL GATES AND,
WEIRDLY, KELLY RIPA. WE'RE INSIDE. WE CAN GET YOU TO RUSSIA, BUT WE
CAN'T PROMISE WE CAN GET YOU OUT. AND I REALLY WANT TO BE ON
"SNL," SO I'M JUST, LIKE, NODDING MY HEAD AND SAYING, "ANYTHING YOU SAY, SIR."
AND KELLY RIPA IS REALLY SWEET. SHE LIKE, "WHATEVER HAPPENS, JUST KNOW YOUR FAMILY WILL BE
TAKEN CARE OF." BUT LIKE, IS KELLY RIPA GOING TO PAY FOR MY FUNERAL?
I'M WORKING ON A SKETCH THIS WEEK AND LORNE SAID, "DON'T RUSH INTO IT."
HE SAID, "EVEN IF I'M NOT IN ANY SKETCHES FOR THE FIRST YEAR OR TWO, THAT'S FINE."
I TOLD LORNE I WAS WORKING ON A SKETCH FOR ME AND MOLLY, AND HE JUST, KIND OF, STARED OFF
INTO THE DISTANCE AND SAID, "IF WE EVER SEE MOLLY AGAIN." I KNEW THAT AIN'T FEEL RIGHT.
I'M THROWN IN BACK OF A VAN. I HEAR A MILITARY GUY SCREAM, "IF SHE GETS CAPTURED OVER
THERE, SHE IS ON HER OWN." AND I WANT HER TO BE LIKE -- IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE -- IT'S
ACTUALLY "THEY," NOT "SHE." BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT MOMENT FOR THE PRONOUN
TALK. THEN WE DRIVED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE NIGHT AT, LIKE, 150 MILES AN
HOUR AND I'M LIKE, "WHOA!" THE HOURS AT "SNL" IS REALLY ARE CRAZY.
WE WERE TEXTING EACH OTHER THE FIRST WEEK LIKE, "GOOD LUCK," "BREAK A LEG," AND THEN
MOLLY TEXTED, "I HAVE TO KILL." IT'S LIKE, "DON'T PUT THAT KIND OF PRESSURE ON YOURSELF."
YOU REALIZE THERE'S THIS WHOLE COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE WHO WORK AT "SNL," AND WE'RE ALL
JUST HERE TO DO COMEDY. EXCEPT, APPARENTLY, MOLLY. THE VAN SCREECHES TO A HALT.
THEY THROW ME ON TO A DOCK, RIP OFF THE HOOD. AND I'M LIKE, "IS THIS THE
PANAMA CANAL?" THEN A GUY WALKS UP IN A SAFARI HAT AND A WHITE MUSTACHE.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS LORNE'S TWIN BROTHER, AND HE SAYS -- [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
THEN THEY DRIVE AWAY, AND I GO TO CALL AN UBER, BUT I CAN'T USE MY PHONE BECAUSE THEY BURNT MY
BETTER BREAD PHONE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU'LL HAVE TO REALIZE YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE GOOD SHOWS AND BAD SHOWS. LAST WEEK, I GOT ON WEEKEND UPDATE.
THIS WEEK, I GET TO PLAY KANYE WEST. YOU JUST HAVE TO ENJOY THE RIDE.
EXACTLY. DON'T TRY TO WRITE OR PITCH IDEAS.
DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO PUT YOU IN SKETCHES OR GIVE YOU A COMPUTER OR AN OFFICE OR AN I.D.
SO YOU GET INSIDE THE BUILDING. YOU JUST GOT TO CHILL AT HOME. AND BE MORE EXCITING THAT
THERE ARE FOUR NEW CAST MEMBERS SO WE CAN EXPERIENCE IT TOGETHER.
LONG STORY SHORT, MOST OF MY FIRST WEEK AT "SNL" IS ABOUT CONNECTING BUSES THROUGH
CENTRAL AMERICA. BUT I MADE IT RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW OPEN, AND JUST BEFORE THE
COLD OPEN STARTED, LORNE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "MOLLY, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU."
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE NEVER MAKE CAST MEMBERS KILL PEOPLE. I THOUGHT THAT WAS REALLY COOL.
KILL OSAMA BIN LADEN? NOW I GOT A TASTE FOR IT.
WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOOT THE BIG DANCE NUMBER. I'M JUST GOING TO MESS IT UP,
DADDY. IT'S LIKE I'M A SLAVE TO THIS MARILYN MONROE.
OH, DON'T SAY THAT, MARILYN. EVERYBODY LOVES YOU. AND TO CHEER YOU UP, I BROUGHT
IN DEVIN AND AGNES FROM THE STUDIO TO READ YOU ALL OF YOUR ADORING FAN MAIL.
COME ON IN, LADIES. WOW. OH, WOW, IS THAT A PAINTING OR A
LADY? LOOK, YOU'RE MARILYN MONROE. YOU'RE EVEN PRETTIER THAN THE
PICTURE. YOU SURE DO HAVE A LOT OF FANS, MISS MONROE.
THIS IS THE MOST MAIL WE'VE EVER SEEN. WE HAD TO CARRY IT ALL UP
AWAY FROM THE BASEMENT, BUT IT'S WORTH IT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.
SEE MARILYN? THEY LOVE YOU. AND I DO NEED THE LOVE,
DADDY. LET'S HEAR THOSE LETTERS. HERE'S -- HERE'S ONE.
MARILYN, YOU ARE THE SWEETHEART OF THIS AND ANY OTHER MONTH. AW.
EVEN FEBRUARY? OH, SHUCKS, I'M BEGINNING TO
FEEL BETTER ALREADY. HERE'S ANOTHER. MARILYN, I WISH I WAS YOU.
AH. MY TURN. MARILYN, YOU ARE A WHORE, BLONDE
AND FRAIL. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU, YOU DISGUSTING TRAMP.
YOU ARE POISONING OUR CHILDREN, YOU TRAMP. THAT SEEMS A LITTLE MEAN.
THAT ONE MUST HAVE BEEN MIXED UP. THIS IS ANOTHER ONE.
MARILYN, YOU ARE A SWEETHEART AND YOUR SMILE IS A SWEETHEART, TOO.
YOU ARE A SWEETHEART SWEETHEART, LOVE LOUISVILLE. I LOVE LOUISVILLE.
I THINK THAT I AM READY SO START THAT SCENE. MARILYN, YOU ARE A DUMB
BABOON AND YOUR BRAIN IS IN YOUR BUTT, AND I'D LIKE TO KICK IT. NOT A FAN.
OKAY. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? MAYBE WE COULD, LIKE, SCREEN
THESE A LITTLE AND IF THEY GET REALLY MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE, BAIL?
WELL, IT'S HARD, MS. MONROE, BECAUSE SOME OF THEM START NICE AND END MEAN.
AND THEN SOME OF THEM START MEAN AND END NICE. AND THEN SOME OF THEM START
MEAN AND JUST END. WELL, DO SOME OF THEM START NICE AND JUST STAY NICE?
SURE. HERE'S ONE MISS MONROE. ARE YOU SURE IT'S ALL NICE?
YEAH. YOU READ THE WHOLE THING? YEAH.
FRONT TO BACK, SIDE TO SIDE? YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
HERE'S AN IDEA. MAYBE IF IT SAYS "WHORE," WE SKIP THAT AND SAY "FLOWER"
INSTEAD. OH, YOU GOT IT. MARILYN, YOU WERE BORN A FLOWER,
AND YOU WILL DIE A FLOWER. YOU ARE A DIRTY FLOWER, AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A FLOWER, TOO.
OH, OH, I FOUND A GOOD ONE. AH. I'M ALSO A FLOWER.
NOT A FAN. OKAY. EVERYONE HATES MARILYN MONROE.
I SHOULD HAVE STAYED NORMA JEAN. WELL, THIS IS ADDRESSED TO NORMA JEAN.
NORMA JEAN?! ONLY IN THE WORLD, PROUDLY -- ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD
CALLS ME THAT. NORMA JEAN, IT'S YOUR DAD. NOT A FAN.
OKAY. IF HE'S NOT A FAN OF -- MAYBE HE'S BEEN --
WELL, MAYBE WE DON'T READ ANY THAT SAY "NOT A FAN AT ALL." IS THAT OKAY?
ALSO, I'M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU TWO AGAIN? WELL, WE'RE YOUR FAN MAIL
READERS. AND THAT'S, LIKE, THE WHOLE JOB?
WELL, WE ARE ALSO VEERING FOR SOME OF THE GAY STARS, BUT WE CAN'T SAY WHICH, ROCK HUDSON.
OKAY. I THINK I'M ABOUT TO BE DONE WITH THESE WOMEN, PLEASE.
NO, NO, NO. PLEASE JUST GIVE US ONE MORE CHANCE.
LOOK. HERE, IT IS A DRAWING.
IT'S YOU IN JAIL FOR BEING A WHORE. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE. LADIES, YOU'RE FIRED. LET ME SEE THOSE LETTERS.
THIS IS ONE THAT SAYS HOW THE PUBLIC REALLY FEELS ABOUT YOU. OKAY.
MARILYN, YOU ARE A GENIUS AND ICON AND DANCE YOUR HEART OUT. OH, DADDY, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. MAYBE LETTERS REALLY ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.
DID IT REALLY SAY THAT? WHO KNOWS, I CAN'T READ.
SHOTS. ARE YOU THE PHOTOGRAPHER? NO, I JUST LIKE STANDING NEXT
TO THE CAMERAS. I'M KIDDING. I'M FUNNY.
SIT OVER THERE AND WE'LL GET STARTED. SO I BROUGHT IN A COUPLE OF
DIFFERENT LOOKS. NOTHING CRAZY. GRANDPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU FORGOT YOUR FEDORA IN THE CAR. AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED IT
FOR YOUR LITTLE ACTING PHOTOS. THEY'RE CALLED HEADSHOTS, GRANDPA.
I'M SORRY ABOUT HIM. I SEE I'VE INTERRUPTED. MY APOLOGIES.
I'LL SHOVE OFF. WAIT. I DON'T MEAN TO BE WEIRD.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL ABOUT YOU. WHO, ME?
NO. YES. YOU MUST LET ME TAKE MY PHOTO.
I HAVE NEVER HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN BEFORE. WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU CAN MOVE YOUR HUGE ASS. PLEASE, SIR, STAND OVER THERE.
YOUR AUDITION CAN WAIT. SHOW ME BROODING. YES, YES.
NOW, GET YOUR SMILE ON. YES. NOW, BITE THAT LIP AND POP THAT
HIP. COME ON. YES, SIR!
NOW, HOW ABOUT WE DO A SILLY ONE. UH-HUH, YES.
THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ANY LIFE AND I HAVE SEEN "SEINFELD."
IS IT MY TURN YET? IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE JEALOUS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE REAL
STAR. THAT IS MY GRANDPA. PLEASE, SIR.
ONE MORE. OKAY. YOU SKI.
YES. YES! DEAR GOD, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT
SKIING LOOKS LIKE. NOW, HOW ABOUT CUTE SHY BOY? OH, WHY SO SHY, CUTE BOY?
COME ON OUT OF THAT SHELL, HMM? YES, MORE. MORE.
COME ON, MORE. YES. CORRECT.
THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOUR GRANDPA FOR THE FIRST TIME.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE? WELL, WE'VE HAD A LAUGH. I THINK IT IS TIME FOR THIS OLD
MAN TO GO. NO. NO!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THE WORLD NEEDS TO SEE WHAT I SEE.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IF PEOPLE SAW THIS PLAIN OLD FACE, THERE'D BE NO MORE WAR?
EXACTLY. WHAT? HELLO, I'M HERE FOR MY
HEADSHOT. I CAN COME BACK LATER. NOW, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND
VERY WEIRD, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU. ME?
NO. THIS IS CRAZY IDEA, BUT WOULD YOU GO STAND NEXT TO HIM.
PLEASE. MM-MMM-MM-MMM. YES.
IT WORKS. WOULD YOU INDULGE ME? I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE NEVER HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN BEFORE. THAT IS A LIE.
SILENCE. ALL RIGHT, BOYS. LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD.
OKAY. SO YOU ARE BUDDIES, BUT SOMETIMES YOU DON'T GET ALONG.
OH, YES. NOW, ONE OF YOU IS THE PRESIDENT AND ONE OF YOU IS MEETING THE
PRESIDENT. YES, YES. NOW, DOUBLE CUTE SHY BOYS.
OH, MY GOD! YES. HELLO, "TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE" IT
IS YOUR COUSIN "MARVIN TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE." YOU KNOW THAT SOUND THAT YOU'VE
BEEN WAITING FOR? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS. IS IT MY TURN NOW?
GET OFF THE ISLAND, BRO. MY MOM IS GOING TO FREAK OUT. JOHN, THIS PARTY ROCKS.
IT IS LIKE LEGENDARY. I TOLD YOUR MOM NOT TO DRINK. SHE HAS GOTTA, BECAUSE WE ARE
SENIORS NOW. SENIORS. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SAY THAT,
BECAUSE I AM SO USED TO BEING A JUNIOR. TOTALLY.
LOOK AT US, GROWING UP. OH, I GOT MY PENN STATE APP DONE, BY THE WAY.
DUDE, ME TOO, BROTHER. SAME. HELLO, FUTURE ROOMIES.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, TOMMY. YOU DONE WITH THE APP? ACTUALLY, GUYS, THERE'S
SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU. I AM NOT APPLYING TO PENN STATE.
WHAT? OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE APPLYING TO HARVARD,
AREN'T YOU, PAL? TOMMY. OH, YOU FREAKING BRAINIAC.
NO, NO, NO. GUYS. LOOK, REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU
THAT I WAS 17? YEAH. WE ALL ARE.
I'M 67. WHAT? I'M 67 YEARS OLD.
NO. YOU'RE 17. YOU FROM NEW JERSEY.
YOUR NAME IS TOMMY "PORKCHOP" LUCIANO. MY NAME SEAMUS O'SULLIVAN.
I'M A 67-YEAR-OLD IRISHMAN. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, WHEN WE WOULD SKIP SEVENTH
PERIOD TO SNEAK BEERS, YOU WERE WHAT? SOME OLD GUY?
THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING THE CRAPPY BEER, I WAS DRINKING --
A GLASS OF WHISKEY WITH A BIG SQUARE CUBE. OH MY GOD.
BUT PORKCHOP, YOU WERE THE CRAZIEST KID IN SCHOOL. I MEAN, YOU DID DRUGS IN CLASS.
BYE-BYE. THOSE WERE BLOOD THINNERS. SO, ALL OF THOSE TIMES AFTER
GYM CLASS WHEN WE WERE NERVOUSLY CHANGING, AND YOU WERE -- WERE --
YOU WERE COMFORTABLE BEING ASS-NUDE. OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY OLD FELLOWS ARE. TOMMY, WHY ARE YOU IN HIGH
SCHOOL? I DON'T KNOW. I JUST GOT LOST.
AND THEN I WATCHED "GOSSIP GIRL" AND IT JUST SEEMED FUN. WHAT?
COME ON, MAN! YOU WATCHED "GOSSIP GIRL" AND THEN ENROLLED IN SCHOOL?
YOU START "GOSSIP GIRL" AND THEN YOU ENROLLED IN SCHOOL? YOU SOUND LIKE MY WIFE.
DUDE, YOU HAVE A WIFE? YES, SINCE '77. DO YOU THINK THEY'LL BE MAD AT
ME? OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S GOING TO BE MAD AT YOU.
I THINK I THOUGHT OF A NEW NICKNAME FOR US. THE CORE FOUR.
WE'RE STILL THE CORE FOUR. THE CORE FOUR IS NO MORE. COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S GO. I DO JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. WAS ANY OF THIS REAL?
WAS IT REAL? BEN, WHEN YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH MONEY, WHAT DID I DO?
YOU GAVE ME HALF YOUR CABBAGE. AND WHEN YOU WERE HAVING
BODY-IMAGE ISSUES, WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? YOU TOOK YOUR SHIRT OFF AND
JUMPED AROUND A LITTLE. JOHN BOY, WHEN YOUR FATHER PASSED, WHO WAS THERE TO SUPPORT
YOUR FAMILY? YOU. STAYED WITH YOUR MOTHER EVERY
NIGHT. GIVING HER MASSAGES. SLEEPING IN HER BED.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HAPPENED. AYE, YOU'RE MY BOYS. AND WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE AN EPIC
SENIOR YEAR! WAIT, YOU'RE STAYING? WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
DON'T BE AN ASS. I'M NOT GOING TO MISS ME SENIOR YEAR.
NOT WHEN WE FINALLY RUN THIS SCHOOL. ANYBODY NEED A LIFT?
OH!
YOU ARE AMAZING. THIS IS FOR YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WILLOW! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS AN ORDER TO THIS
THE WIND IN THE TREES WHISPERING MATHEMATICS * * I ALWAYS KNEW
I TRIED MY BEST TO TALK BACK REFRACT THE WISDOM TO HEAL THE ABYSS *
* SOMEBODY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT * * AND WHEN THIS LIFE
IS LOOKING DARK IT'S ALL THAT WE HAVE * * AND WHEN NOBODY WANTS
TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THAT WE CAN DO IS STEP INTO DREAD *
* THAT'S WHAT I SAID AND I'M TAKIN' THIS ADVENTURE ON MY OWN *
* WALKIN' THROUGH A DARKENED FOREST GOIN' HOME *
* CURIOUS FURIOUS I FEEL ALONE OH OOH *
* GETTING OVER IT NOW AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE
EITHER SIDE * * WIN OR LOSE RIGHT OR WRONG
IT'S A BATTLE * * IN YOUR MIND YOU BETTER OPEN WIDE
GETTING OVER IT NOW * * AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE
EITHER SIDE * * WIN OR LOSE RIGHT OR WRONG
IT'S A BATTLE * * SHOOTING OURSELVES FROM CALM FROM THE CHAOS RESTARTS
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO MY QUESTIONS ENDLESS * * AND THE ONLY THING
THAT I WANT I DON'T WANNA START A FIGHT *
* BUT YOU KNOW WHEN IT GETS HEATED THAT'S JUST WHAT I LIKE *
* AND I NEVER WANNA TALK ABOUT IT I JUST WANNA SIT
IN MY ROOM INSTEAD * * THAT'S WHAT I SAID AND I'M TAKIN' THIS
ADVENTURE ON MY OWN * * WALKIN' THROUGH A DARKENED FOREST
GOIN' HOME * * CURIOUS FURIOUS I FEEL ALONE
OH OOH * * GETTING OVER IT NOW AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN
BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE EITHER SIDE * * WIN OR LOSE
RIGHT OR WRONG IT'S A BATTLE * * THAT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND
YOU BETTER OPEN WIDE GETTING OVER IT NOW * * AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN
BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE EITHER SIDE WIN OR LOSE *
* RIGHT OR WRONG ** **
**
THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, THE MIDTERMS ARE ONLY
A MONTH AWAY, AND IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE SOME CANDIDATES TRYING TO LOSE?
LET'S JUST START IN PENNSYLVANIA WITH DR. OZ, SEEN HERE TELLING THE AUDIENCE HOW MANY MINUTES
HE'S LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA. A REVIEW OF SCIENTIFIC STUDIES PUBLISHED BY DR. OZ REVEALED
THAT HIS EXPERIMENTS KILLED OVER 300 DOGS, BUT EVENTUALLY HE GOT THE RECIPE RIGHT.
DR. OZ HAS REFUSED TO COMMENT ON THE REPORT THAT HIS RESEARCH KILLED OVER 300 DOGS, THOUGH
IT'S POSSIBLE HE COULDN'T HEAR THE QUESTION OVER THE WOODCHIPPER.
BUT DON'T WORRY, DR. OZ WON EVERYBODY BACK, LAST NIGHT, WHEN HE GAVE A SPEECH IN FRONT OF
HITLER'S CAR. WORSE, HE THEN GOT IN THE CAR AND BACKED OVER A DOG.
GEORGIA'S SENATE CANDIDATE, HERSCHEL WALKER, DENIED REPORTS THAT HE PAID FOR A GIRLFRIEND'S
ABORTION, SAYING, "I SEND MONEY TO A LOT OF PEOPLE," BEFORE ADDING, "YOU KNOW, FOR
ABORTIONS." AFTER THE NEWS BROKE THAT WALKER PAID FOR HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND'S
ABORTION, HE RAISED MORE THAN $500,000, BECAUSE DOLLARS ARE THE ONLY THING WALKER IS WILLING
TO RAISE. FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER,
RON DeSANTIS, EXPLAINED WHY SO MANY RESIDENTS FAILED TO EVACUATE, SAYING, "SOME PEOPLE
JUST DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR HOMES, WHICH IS WHY SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TRICK THEM ONTO A
PLANE TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD. DURING THE TRIAL OF OATH KEEPERS FOUNDER, STEWART RHODES,
WHOSE BEARD IS PATCHIER THAN HIS EYE PATCH -- CRUSHED. PROSECUTORS PLAYED A RECORDING
OF HIM SAYING THAT HIS ONLY REGRET ABOUT THE JANUARY 6th ATTACKS WAS NOT BRINGING RIFLES,
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE AN OBVIOUS CONFESSION OF GUILT, BUT TRY LOOKING AT THIS FROM RHODES'
PERSPECTIVE, WITH LITTLE TO NO DEPTH PERCEPTION. THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN
PARDONED THOUSANDS OF CONVICTED MARIJUANA USERS, AND IT FEELS LIKE MAYBE HE CELEBRATED WITH
THEM A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH AT A CAR FACTORY, AND HE OPENED
WITH THIS. LET ME START OFF WITH TWO WORDS -- MADE IN AMERICA.
WOW. LET ME RESPOND WITH TWO WORDS -- JESUS H. CHRIST.
PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ALSO HEARD CRITICIZING REPORTERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SHOUTING
QUESTIONS AT HIM. QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHAT YEAR IS IT?"
AND "WHO'S THE CURRENT PRESIDENT?" AND ALSO, THEY WEREN'T
REPORTERS, THEY WERE DOCTORS. KAYNE WEST APPEARED -- OH, NO.
KAYNE WEST APPEARED ON TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW TO DEFEND WEARING A WHITE LIVES MATTER
SHIRT, CLAIMING HE WORE THE SHIRT BECAUSE HE WAS USING, QUOTE, "A GUT INSTINCT."
AND WHAT -- AND WHAT HE'S DEFINITELY NOT USING, ARE PRESCRIBED MEDS.
A BRITISH PILOT CREATED THE LARGEST EVER PORTRAIT OF QUEEN ELIZABETH BY DRAWING HER OUTLINE
ON THE FLIGHT PATH OVER THE COUNTRY. AND LET'S SEE A PICTURE OF IT.
SHE IS SMILING.
IN THE COUNTRY AND IT IS GOING TO GO TO ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY THAT HERSCHEL WALKER HAS
VISITED.
DISNEY MADE HISTORY AFTER ANNOUNCING LIVE ACTION REMAKE OF "BLACK ARIEL" AND HERE TO
COMMENT IS BLACK ARIEL. THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME ARIEL.
I DON'T CALL YOU WHITE COLIN TO YOUR FACE. SOME PEOPLE ARE CALLING YOU A
HERO. HERO TO WHO? BLACK GIRLS WHO WANT TO BE A
FISH? PEOPLE ARE LIKE, ARIEL, YOU ARE PERFECT, AND YOU ARE THE ARIEL
THAT WE NEED. BITCH, I AM NORMAL. HERO IS A LOT THE LIVE UP TO.
YES, DID NOT WANT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. SO YOU'RE NOT PERFECT, RIGHT?
SORRY. LOOK, I'M JUST BEING HONEST. ALSO, I GREW UP RICH.
MY DAD WAS THE KING OF THE SEA. WE HAD MONEY-MONEY. I USED TO RIDE AROUND ON LITTLE
SEA HORSES FOR FUN. WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? DOWN THERE, THOSE ARE JUST
POOR PEOPLE. OH. YEAH.
WELL -- WELL -- WELL, YEAH, THAT'S NOT GREAT. NO.
I'M DUMB, TOO, COLIN. LIKE, STUPID-STUPID. MY BRAIN PASS FISH.
I'LL DEADASS BITE A WORM ON A HOOK. GETS ME EVERY DAMN TIME.
ARIEL, WHY ARE YOU TELLING US ALL THIS. 'CAUSE I'M JUST TRYING TO GET
AHEAD OF STUFF. FOR EXAMPLE, I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY, BUT I'M STILL
PRO-SEAWORLD. AND I MET SHAMU. AND LET ME PUT IT TO YOU LIKE
THIS, I'M GLAD HIS ASS IS LOCKED UP. WOW.
OKAY. WELL, I'M SURE THERE'S A -- ALSO, SUPPORTED THE WAR IN
IRAQ. GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING IN THE SEA, JUST WANTED REVENGE FOR
9/11. OKAY. WOW.
SO -- SO, I GUESS YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU'RE COMPLICATED. I'M SAYING I DIDN'T ASK FOR
ANY OF THIS. I GUESS IT'S JUST A LOT OF PRESSURE BEING SOME KIND OF
HERO. ALSO DID THE OIL SPILL. WHAT WAS THAT?
DID THE BP OIL SPILL. YEAH, RAN UP ON THAT PIPELINE DRUNK AS HELL ONE NIGHT, AND DID
A LITTLE DAMAGE. OH, GOSH, AND ONE MORE THING, JUST BEFORE THERE'S A TWEET
ABOUT THIS. SALMON ARE DYING, AND FISH ARE DYING.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF.
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE GOING TO COME OUT HERE TO SING A LITTLE SONG.
DON'T YOU HAVE A LITTLE, LIKE, JAMAICAN CRAB THAT YOU SING WITH?
LISTEN, COLIN, I GOT A LOT OF CRABS, BUT THEY DON'T SING. THEY ARE JAMAICAN THOUGH.
OKAY. JA MAKING MY NUTS ITCH. YOU GOT TO GO.
BLACK ARIEL, EVERYONE. JUST CALL ME ARIEL, DAMN.
A NEW RECOMMENDATION URGING THEM TO COUNCIL WOMEN, BETWEEN THE AGES OF 40 AND 60, TO CONSIDER
LOSING WEIGHT. ALSO OPPOSED TO MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN LOSING WEIGHT, ME.
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING LIT UP BLUE AND WHITE TO CELEBRATE AARON JUDGE HITTING
HIS RECORD 62nd HOME RUN OF THE SEASON, WHILE OVER IN QUEENS, A PORT-A-POTTY WAS SET ON FIRE IN
HONOR OF THE METS BLOWING THE DIVISION. IN A NEW SCOOBY-DOO
HALLOWEEN SPECIAL, THE CHARACTER VELMA IS OPENLY DEPICTED AS A LESBIAN, WHICH EXPLAINS -- YEAH,
FINALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. ALL RIGHT.
THE CHARACTER VELMA WAS OPENLY FINALLY DEPICTED AS A LESBIAN, AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY SCOOBY-DOO
IS NOW A RESCUE PITBULL. WEDNESDAY WAS NATIONAL COFFEE WITH A COP DAY, AND
SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT COPS LIKE THEIR COFFEE BLACK WITH A COUPLE OF SHOTS IN IT.
AND TUESDAY WAS NATIONAL VODKA DAY, AND THIS IS WHY MY DAD CALLED.
HEFTY HAS INTRODUCED PUMPKIN SPICE SCENTED TRASH BAGS. AND I GOT TO SAY, PUMPKIN SPICE
SCENTED TRASH BAGS IS PROBABLY THE BEST SLUR FOR WHITE PEOPLE I'VE EVER HEARD.
WELL, GUYS, THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SEASON WRAPPED UP THIS WEEK.
THE PLAYOFFS ARE NOW UNDERWAY. AND HERE TO GIVE HIS THOUGHTS, IS NEW "SNL" CAST MEMBER,
MARCELLO HERNANDEZ. THANK YOU. NEW YORK.
WHAT'S UP. SO, MARCELLO, ARE YOU A BASEBALL FAN?
WELL, COLIN, MY MOM IS FROM CUBA AND MY DAD IS FROM THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, SO OBVIOUSLY
THEY'RE DIVORCED. BUT IT ALSO MEANS I LOVE BASEBALL.
YOU KNOW. LATINOS DOMINATE BASEBALL, COLIN.
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT WE'RE NATURALLY BETTER. I'M JUST SAYING WE'RE MORE FUN
TO WATCH. I MEAN, WHO WOULD YOU RATHER WATCH PLAY BASEBALL, TANNER FROM
KENTUCKY, OR A GUY THAT THEY CALL PAPI AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY? THIS GUY GOT SO GOOD AT HIS JOB,
HE GOT EVERYONE TO CALL HIM DAD. ANYBODY HERE CALL YOU DADDY, COLIN?
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SAY. BUT WHAT ABOUT LIKE AARON JUDGE, RIGHT?
HE JUST HIT THE 62nd HOME RUN, SET THE A.L. RECORD. YEAH, I THINK IT'S
IMPRESSIVE, COLIN, BUT THERE JUST WASN'T ENOUGH EMOTION FOR ME.
HE HITS THE 62nd HOME RUN, PUTS THE BAT DOWN GENTLY, AND THEN IT'S A COUPLE OF HIGH FIVES AND
STRAIGHT TO THE DUGOUT. WHEN A DOMINICAN HITS A HOMERUN, COLIN, HE THROWS THE BAT TO A
DIFFERENT DIMENSION, AND THEN HE GETS TO HOME PLATE, AND HE THANKS EVERYONE HE'S EVER
ENCOUNTERED. HE GETS TO HOME PLATE, HE'S LIKE, "THANK YOU TO MY MOTHER,
AND MY SISTER, AND MY FATHER, AND MY -- EVERYTHING CHANGES WHEN THEY
BRING OUT THE DOMINICAN GUY. THE AMERICAN ANNOUNCER WHO'S BEEN SPEAKING ENGLISH THE WHOLE
GAME GETS AN ACCENT ALL OF THE SUDDEN. NOW, THIS GUY NAMED JEFF IS
LIKE, "AND NOW, COMING TO THE PLATE FROM SANTO DOMINGO, STARLING MARTE.
CUE THE MERENGUE MUSIC. EVEN THE WHITE GUYS IN THE CROWD ARE LIKE --
PLAYER GETS THERE, HE COMES OUT LIKE WITH A CHAIN OUT OF NOWHERE.
HE TELLS THE PITCHER TO RELAX, AND THEN HE BRINGS JESUS INTO IT.
AND ONCE HE GETS TO BATTING, COLIN, IT IS ALL HIPS. DO YOU FEEL IT, COLIN?
I AM PRETTY SURE I AM FEELING IT. AND BY THE TIME HE IS DONE
BATTING, THE CROWD IS PREGNANT. AND THE POST-GAME INTERVIEWS ARE DIFFERENT, COLIN.
WHITE GUYS ARE SO BORING. THEY ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE GAME.
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "WE HAD A PLAN, AND WE EXECUTED IT." BUT I BET LATIN GUYS DO IT
DIFFERENT? DON'T DO THAT, COLIN. I DON'T LIKE THAT, BUT YES.
IT'S VERY DIFFERENT. WHEN LATIN GUYS ARE TALKING AFTER A GAME, IF THEY DO GET A
SENTENCE OFF IN ENGLISH, IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE GAME. THE REPORTER IS LIKE, "WHAT WAS
GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD ON THAT 3- 2 SLIDER." AND THEN RAMON IS LIKE, "MAN, I
LOVE MIAMI, MAN. THE WEATHER, THE PEOPLE, THE FOOD IS AMAZING.
AND COLIN, THEY ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH UNTIL THEY LOSE PATIENCE.
AND WELL, FOR THIS SEASON I THINK THAT -- [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ]
MARCELLO HERNANDEZ, EVERYBODY.
AT 10, IT'S "BATHING A BEAST: HITLER'S HYGEINE." BUT FIRST, "ANCIENT EMPIRES."
EUROPE, 500 B.C. TWO TRIBES END A CENTURY LONG FEUD AND FORGE AN ALLIANCE TO
PROTECT THEIR LANDS FROM INVASION. FOR YEARS, THE VUUDI AND THE
THRATIAN TRIBES HAVE BEEN AT WAR. BUT NOW WE MUST PUT ASIDE OUR
DIFFERENCES AND FACE A COMMON ENEMY, THE GOLFEN HORDE. IT PAINS ME, BUT YOU ARE RIGHT.
SO WE WILL FIGHT SIDE BY SIDE. WE SHALL.
SO LET US SEAL THIS ALLIANCE IN A BLOOD OATH AS MY PEOPLE HAVE DONE FOR 1,000 YEARS.
TO VICTORY! VICTORY! OH, THAT IS A SHARP KNIFE.
MAY THE GODS SMILE ON THIS UNION AND BRING OUR PEOPLE STRENGTH.
I CUT MYSELF GOOD THERE. WHAT NEWS FROM OUR SCOUTS? THE GOLFENS WILL BE IN OUR
BORDER IN TWO MOONS' TIME. THEN WE MUST ACT WITH HASTE. GENERAL, HOW MANY MEN IN YOUR
RANKS. THOUSANDS AND I AM STILL BLEEDING FROM THAT BLOOD OATH.
IS YOUR PALM STILL BLEEDING? NO, THE BLOOD OATH REQUIRES BUT A SCRATCH.
OKAY. SO YOU WENT SUPER LIGHT? AH.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND MY TRIBE DOESN'T DO BLOOD OATHS, AND SO I BASICALLY CUT INTO MY HAND LIKE
I WAS CUTTING INTO STEAK. OH, THAT WAS UNWISE OF YOU. I KNOW.
LIKE I SAID, I HAVE NEVER DONE A BLOOD OATH BEFORE, BUT IT IS FINE.
I WILL DEAL WITH IT. OKAY, SO YOUR CUT WILL NOT BE THE FOCUS ANYMORE?
WE'RE FINISHED WITH YOUR CUT? FIRST, I DON'T LOVE THE ATTITUDE.
AND SECOND, IT'S NOT A CUT, IT'S A GASH. BUT I'M DONE WITH IT.
IF I MAY. GOLFEN HORDE WILL SURELY CROSS THE RIVER HERE.
THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE OUR STANCE. I CAN DEPLOY MY ARCHERS ALONG
THIS RIDGE. AND MY HORSEMEN SHALL STRIKE HERE ALONG THIS RIDGE.
OH, MY GOD! [ SCREAMING ] WHAT THE HELL, DUDE?
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO DO THAT. OH, MY MAP!
LOOK AT THE STATE OF MY MAP. GO, COVER IT. I'M SORRY.
IT LIKE SPURTS WHEN I DO THIS THING WITH MY FINGER.
LIKE I SAID, I'M SORRY. CLOSE YOUR HAND! CLOSE YOUR HAND, MAN!
I WILL. BUT I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU WHAT'S GOING ON WITH IT.
WELL, WE'RE AWARE, SO CLOSE YOUR HAND. LOOK AT MY MAP, MAN, MY MAP.
I ALREADY SAID I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR MAP. HOW BAD DID YOU CUT YOURSELF,
MAN? I DON'T KNOW. I'M AFRAID TO LOOK.
WELL, I SAW A LIGAMENT. LIGAMENTS OUT. WHY WOULD YOU SLICE YOUR HAND SO
DEEP? I TOLD YOU THAT WE DON'T DO BLOOD OATHS IN MY TRIBE.
WE DROWN A DOVE AND THEN WE THROW IT IN A FIRE. OKAY.
RANDOM. I'M SORRY. I RUINED THE WHOLE MEETING.
MAP GUY HATES ME. THE GIRL THINKS I'M A LOSER. IT'S JUST SUCH A FLOP, GUYS.
OH, PERFECT. SURELY, WE WILL LOSE NOW. THIS MAN CAN'T POSSIBLY FIGHT.
YOU SILENCE YOUR WICKED TONGUE. I HAVE PLENTY OF FIGHT IN ME,
AND I HAVE A BADGE. AS WE CAN ALL SEE, NIGHT HAS FALLEN.
AND IT HAS GROWN EXTREMELY DARK IN THIS ROOM. NO, IT HASN'T.
IT'S THE BLOOD LOSS, MAN, THE BLOOD LOSS. GOLFEN BATTLE HORNS.
THE HOUR HAS COME. WE MUST RIDE AT ONCE, TO VICTORY.
TO VICTORY! TO VICTORY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * THE LEAST YOU COULD DO
IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO * * I KNOW THE LEAST
YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO *
* SHE USED TO BE MINE NOW SHE'S YOURS AND THAT'S FINE *
* GUESS I RAN OUT OF TIME TO PLEASE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ANGRY
YOU'RE SO SHADY * * I GAVE YOU YOUR LADY SUCH A SHAME YOU'D FORGET
ME ME ME ME * * ME ME
ME ME * ** * THE LEAST YOU COULD DO
IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO * * I KNOW THE LEAST
YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO *
* I CAN'T SEE YOU I DON'T NEED TO YOU THINK YOU'RE
SO GOOD TOGETHER * * OH MY GOD YEAH ME TOO
YOU'RE A STRANGER * * WHEN I SEE YOU I DON'T SPEAK
SEE YOU I CAN'T BREATHE ** **
ALL RIGHT GUYS, DENVER IS COUNTING ON US TO COME UP WITH NEW SLOGANS FOR THE CITY.
HOW ABOUT DENVER, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT. THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S REALLY
GOOD. I WAS THINKING DENVER, GATEWAY TO THE ROCKIES.
ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'RE TALKING. WHO EVEN CARES. JANINE, YOU HAVE HAD A BAD
ATTITUDE ALL MORNING. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? NOTHING, NOTHING, IT'S JUST
THAT NOBODY NOTICED. NOTICED WHAT? NOBODY NOTICED I GOT MY EYES
REPLACED. OH, YES, JANINE, WE DEFINITELY NOTICED.
WE HAD AN EMERGENCY MEETING ABOUT IT THE SECOND YOU WALKED IN THE DOOR.
ULTIMATELY, WE DECIDED THAT LEGALLY, IT WOULDN'T BE SAFEST IF WE JUST DIDN'T PRETEND WE SAW
IT. EXCEPT YOU BROUGHT IT UP. WHY DID YOU DO THIS, JANINE?
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW LOUANN GOT A HUGE FAKE RACK.
I LITERALLY DIDN'T. OH, MY GOD, GOOD FOR YOU. JANINE, JANINE, I CAN'T HELP
BUT FEELING THAT YOU MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE. OH, MY GOD, NO, IT IS TOTALLY
REVERSIBLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS KEEP MY OLD EYES REFRIGERATED.
OH, MY GOD, NO. OH, MY GOD, I FORGOT TO KEEP MY OLD EYES REFRIGERATED.
OH, MY GOD. THEY ARE IN MY POCKET. OH, MY GOD, THEY ARE STILL GOOD,
RIGHT? CAN YOU SMELL THEM AND TELL ME THEY ARE STILL GOOD, RIGHT?
ARE YOU SMELLING THEM? I CAN'T SEE YOUR GUYS' REACTION AND TELL ME?
WHAT IS YOUR FACIAL REACTIONS? WAIT, YOUR EYES ARE WORSE NOW?
YES, 100%. THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT? TO IMPROVE MY APPEARANCE.
BUT IT LOOKS WORSE. OH, MY GOD, NO. HEY, EVERYBODY, SORRY I AM
LATE. HEY, CHARLES, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW EYEBALLS?
AND I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO CHURCH. HEY, GUYS, SERIOUSLY, CAN WE
FOCUS UP AND JUST GET BACK TO BUSINESS, OKAY. OKAY.
HOW ABOUT THIS, DENVER, CITY OF ANGELS. THAT IS LOS ANGELES.
OH, MY GOD, NO. ARE YOU SERIOUS? YES, THAT IS FAMOUSLY
LOS ANGELES. NO, DON'T BE MEAN TO ME, I CAN'T CRY.
BECAUSE THE TEARS GO BACK INSIDE OF MY HEAD AND THE BRAIN WILL DROWN.
YOUR BRAIN WILL DROWN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU PEOPLE
SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. TODAY, YOU PUT A WOMAN'S BODY ON TRIAL.
YOU BROUGHT IT UP. WHEN I CAME IN THIS MORNING WITH A LOT OF GREAT PITCHES LIKE
DENVER, CITY OF ANGELS. DENVER, KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD. YOU KNOW WE CAN'T DO THAT.
I QUIT. AND I'M LEAVING NOT IN DISGRACE, BUT WITH DIGNITY, ELEGANCE AND
CLASS, AND I'M TAKING WITH ME, MY PORTFOLIO. OKAY.
THAT IS COFFEE CAKE. AND OF COURSE, I WILL BE TAKING MY JACKET.
AND WITH THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I BID YOU ALL ADO. OH, ELLEN, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
YOU WERE IN HERE. YOU LOOK AMAZING. YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT IS TO PAY
A COMPLIMENT TO A FRIEND. JANINE, THAT IS NOT A HUMAN BEING.
IT IS A WATER COOLER. I WILL LEAVE YOU ALL WITH THIS, LIFE COMES AT YOU PRETTY
FAST, AND IF YOU BLINK, YOU MIGHT JUST MISS IT. MEANWHILE, I'M NOT GOING TO MISS
A THING. [ APPLAUSE ] SO, DENVER, IF YOU BLINK
YOU'LL MISS IT. I LOVE THAT. THAT SOUNDS REALLY GOOD.
THANKS TO WILLOW, COLIN FARRELL, ALL OF THE CAST AND LORNE MICHAELS, AND ELI AND
THE BAND, AND FOR ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS WEEK ONE OF THE MOST SPECIAL WEEKS AND ALL
OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS A BEAUTIFUL WEEK AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE COME ACROSS IN NEW
YORK AND A VERY SPECIAL AUDIENCE. THANK YOU.
**