1 00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:24,758 HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS ANGRY AND CRAZY? 2 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,360 PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING OUT AT TARGET, STABBING IS BACK, AND THE ONLY THING TO CHEER US UP IS 3 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,064 WATCHING A SEXY SHOW ABOUT JEFFREY DAHMER. WE ARE LIVING ON THE EDGE, AND 4 00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:34,768 TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO PUSH US OVER AS WE PLAY "SO YOU THINK YOU WON'T SNAP." 5 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:40,573 THAT'S RIGHT. I'M YOUR HOST, MORGAN FREEGIRL. TONIGHT WE FOUND THE ONLY PEOPLE 6 00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:46,913 IN AMERICA WHO HAVE NOT YET SNAPPED. LET'S MEET 'EM. 7 00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:50,650 IT'S HEATHER, KAYLA, DALE, AND HENRY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 8 00:00:50,650 --> 00:01:01,594 THE GAME IS SIMPLE. I'LL READ REAL STORIES FROM THE NEWS AND IF YOU KEEP YOUR COOL, 9 00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:06,933 YOU'LL WIN BIG MONEY. ALL RIGHT, HEATHER, YOU'RE UP FIRST IN THE HOT SPOT. 10 00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:10,270 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HEATHER, YOU ARE A MUSIC PROFESSOR AND WHITE YOGA TEACHER 11 00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:13,940 IN BURLINGTON, VERMONT. YES, I'M JUST KIND OF A CHILL PERSON, SO I PROMISE YOU'RE NOT 12 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:23,283 GONNA GET ME. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. WELL, WE'VE GOT 30 SECONDS ON 13 00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:25,952 THE CLOCK, I'M GONNA READ YOU SOME HEADLINES. TO TELL IF YOU'VE HIT YOUR 14 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:29,089 BREAKING POINT, YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU A "TODAY SHOW" SIZED GLASS OF WINE. 15 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,891 OH, YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA DRINK THAT. I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR 15 YEARS. 16 00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:34,394 LOVE THAT CONFIDENCE. LET'S PLAY. LET'S START WITH UKRAINE. 17 00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:37,197 GREAT. A MASSIVE BRIDGE EXPLOSION TODAY CUT OFF THE RUSSIAN SUPPLY 18 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:39,833 CHAIN. I SAW THAT. HOPEFULLY IT BRINGS THIS WAR ONE 19 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:44,404 STEP CLOSER TO AN END. RIGHT, BECAUSE ON THURSDAY, BIDEN SAID WE WERE CLOSER TO 20 00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:48,108 NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON THAN WE'VE BEEN IN 60 YEARS. DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT THAT 21 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,744 IN MY BRAIN, BUT I LOVE BIDEN. TOTALLY. ME, TOO. 22 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:54,914 DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD HE IS? DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN JOE BIDEN WAS BORN, WE DIDN'T HAVE 23 00:01:54,914 --> 00:02:01,221 HIGHWAYS? THAT -- THAT'S A FUN FACT. AND JOE BIDEN WAS 24 00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:07,560 53-YEARS-OLD WHEN HE GOT HIS FIRST HOME COMPUTER. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? 25 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:17,570 I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. YOU NEED A SIP OF THAT WINE? NO. 26 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:24,444 I'M TOTALLY GOOD. WELL, YOUR NEXT ITEM IS A VIDEO CLUE. 27 00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:27,247 PLEASE ENJOY THIS CLIP OF BIDEN TALKING ABOUT HIS MENTAL ACUITY. HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR MENTAL 28 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:30,784 FOCUS IS? OH, IT IS FOCUSED. [ LAUGHTER ] 29 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:34,487 I THINK -- I THINK IT'S -- I -- I HAVEN'T -- LOOK. OH. 30 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:40,293 AND THAT'S A SNAP. MM, MAMA MISSED YOU. UP NEXT IS KAYLA. 31 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:44,497 KAYLA, GET IN THE HOT SPOT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WELCOME, KAYLA. 32 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:49,235 YOU SAID YOU ARE A MOM, AND ARE "PICKLEBALL CURIOUS." YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. 33 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:53,406 I'M BLESSED WITH FOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. 34 00:02:53,406 --> 00:03:01,948 MM-HM, RIGHT. WELL, NEXT TO YOU IS TRACY, A FLIGHT ATTENDANT FOR FRONTIER 35 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,451 AIRLINES, AND IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN HIT HER. HELLO. 36 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:08,655 WHAT? OH, GOSH, NO. I -- I DON'T HIT PEOPLE. 37 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:11,291 THEY GET HIT ALL THE TIME, THERE MUST BE A GOOD REASON. LET'S PLAY. 38 00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:15,495 LET'S START WITH THE GEORGIA SENATE CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER. 39 00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:25,538 OH, OH, THE FOOTBALL PLAYER. I -- I LIKE HIM, HE'S GOT MY VOTE. 40 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:35,749 DO YOU WATCH THE NEWS? NEVER. CAN I TELL YOU SOME THINGS? 41 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:47,961 UM, I GUESS SO. DID YOU KNOW THATF 0% OF KIDS WHEN THEY GROW UP SAY THEY WANT 42 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:53,400 TO BE INFLUENCER. WELL, THAT SOUNDS GOOD, BUT MY KIDS ARE SERIOUS. 43 00:03:53,400 --> 00:04:01,574 AND SO NOW, LET'S LOOK AT A TRAILER FROM CHRIS PRATT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM, HERE WE 44 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:07,781 COME. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ITALIAN. THAT IS HIS WHOLE THING. 45 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:15,321 OH, IT WAS INEVITABLE. WELL, IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT CONTESTANT. 46 00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:20,060 GET UP HERE, DALE. HELLO. DALE, YOU SAID THAT YOU ARE 47 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:25,231 TAKING ADVANTAGE OF BIDEN'S NEW WEED POLICY, AND YOU HAD SEX RIGHT BEFORE COMING ON THE SHOW? 48 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:41,614 YES, I SURE DID. GOD BLESS AMERICA. DALE, FOR YOUR ROUND, A 49 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:48,888 NUMBER OF SWEETS BEFORE YOU IF YOU SURVIVE YOUR ROUND. ELON MUSK -- 50 00:04:48,888 --> 00:05:03,603 OH, THAT MAN MAKES ME SNAP. THAT DUDE IS TALKING ABOUT GOING TO MARS WHEN I WANT TO HAVE A 51 00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:28,528 MARS. WELCOME, AND SO YOU SAID THAT WHAT KEEPS YOU UP IS SOMETHING 52 00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:37,570 THAT IS STEAMY, SO WE HAVE A IRON IN FRONT OF YOU IN CASE YOU NEED TO HIT YOUR HANDS. 53 00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:54,587 OH. THE ORANGE M&M HAS ANXIETY. THAT IS A CANDY. 54 00:05:54,587 --> 00:06:00,593 AND KAYNE WEST. OH, KAYNE, THAT IS OKAY. AND HE SAYS HE HAS OPENED UP 55 00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:03,930 A SCHOOL. THAT IS GOOD. AND NOW HE SAID THAT HE HAS 56 00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:11,705 NOT READ A BOOK IN NIZ LIFE. AND HE WAS TUCKER CARLSON. OH, MAN, HAVE A HEART. 57 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:19,579 AND NOW, LET'S LOOK AT THE WORLD OF FASHION, WITH A PHOTO OF KAYNE. 58 00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:23,249 OH! AH, THERE WE GO. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE WILL SHOW 59 00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:40,967 AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN AN EPISODE OF "EUPHORIA" AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 60 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:48,074 "EUPHORIA" AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH 61 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:34,180 MUSICAL GUEST WILLOW. AND YOUR HOST BRENDAN GLEESON. 62 00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:55,068 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRENDAN GLEESON. ** 63 00:08:55,068 --> 00:09:06,046 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 64 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:12,352 HI, WELL, I'M BRENDAN GLEESON. AND IF YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE ACCENT, I'M IRISH. 65 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:17,657 AND IF YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE FACE, I'M THAT FELLOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN IN THAT THING YOU 66 00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:20,794 CAN'T REMEMBER, BUT YOU THINK THAT YOU KIND OF LIKE. YEAH, THAT WAS ME. 67 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:29,769 LET ME SEE. YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN ME IN "BRAVEHEART." 68 00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:42,716 YOU'VE POSSIBLY SEEN ME IN "HARRY POTTER." YOU DEFINITELY HAVEN'T SEEN ME 69 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:55,061 IN JOEL COHEN'S BLACK AND WHITE "MACBETH," BUT YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. 70 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:59,799 I THINK IT'S PRETTY GOOD. NOW, I'M NOT REALLY USED TO TELLING JOKES, SO I THOUGHT I'D 71 00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:02,469 PLAY A TUNE FOR YOU INSTEAD. CAN I GET MY MANDOLIN? THANK YOU. 72 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:05,638 THIS IS THE FIRST TUNE I EVER LEARNED. ** 73 00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:11,411 IT WAS MADE FAMOUS BY A MAN CALLED BARNEY McKENNA. ** 74 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:15,615 AND -- ** BARNEY WAS THE BANJO PLAYER WITH 75 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:20,887 THE DUBLINERS. AND THEY WERE TRAVELING TO A VERY HOT COUNTRY ONE TIME, AND 76 00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:31,965 BARNEY WAS TOLD IT WOULD BE 104 DEGREES IN THE SHADE. AND HE SAYS, "I'LL TELL YOU ONE 77 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:38,304 THING," BARNEY SAYS. "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THE SHADE." 78 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:45,145 ** YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY HAD VARYING DEGREES OF MUSICALITY. 79 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:53,053 MY LOVELY AUNTIE NELL, FOR EXAMPLE, WAS FAMOUS BECAUSE HER HIGH NOTES COULD SHATTER GLASS. 80 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:56,723 ALL THE KIDS WERE TERRIFIED SHE'D BURST INTO SONG AT ANY MOMENT, ESPECIALLY THE KIDS WITH 81 00:10:56,723 --> 00:11:09,436 GLASSES. WHEREAS MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE A NOTE, WELL, HE DID HAVE ONE 82 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:23,316 NOTE, BUT HE HAD HIS OWN WAY OF GOING ON AND WHEN HE SANG IN OUR SONG, MY SON FERGUS ASKED HIM, 83 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:32,158 "GRANDDAD, WHY DO YOU COMB YOUR HAIR BEFORE YOU GET INTO BED?" AND DAD SAID, "BECAUSE YOU NEVER 84 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,428 KNOW WHO YOU MIGHT MEET IN YOUR DREAMS." HOW ABOUT THAT, WEIRD AND 85 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:38,465 WONDERFUL. ** I'LL TELL YOU WHO ELSE IS WEIRD 86 00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:42,302 AND WONDERFUL. COLIN FARRELL. WE WORKED TOGETHER ON "IN 87 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:48,541 BRUGES" -- AND WE JUST GOT BACK TOGETHER FOR A NEW FILM, "THE BANSHEES OF 88 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:55,949 INISHERIN." FUNNY ENOUGH, IT'S ABOUT TWO FELLOWS WHO FALL OUT BECAUSE ONE 89 00:11:55,949 --> 00:12:00,653 OF THEM'S A LITTLE TOO NEEDY. AND I MEAN, I LOVE COLIN, BUT THE STORY'S NOT TOO FAR FROM THE 90 00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:09,896 AND I MEAN, I LOVE COLIN, BUT THE STORY'S NOT TOO FAR FROM THE TRUTH. 91 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:36,089 HEY, BRENDAN. YOU KNOW, I -- I WAS JUST PASSING. 92 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,759 WERE YOU, YEAH? YEAH, WELL, I WAS ON ME WAY THE -- WELL, MUSTACHE SHOP. 93 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,129 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, BRENDAN? I'M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT 94 00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:45,565 LIVE," COLIN. OH, THEN I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. 95 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,201 IS IT GOING TO BE A NEEDY QUESTION? NO, A NORMAL. 96 00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:51,104 ASK AWAY. ASK AWAY. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CO-STAR 97 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,473 YOU'VE EVER WORKED WITH? PADDINGTON BEAR. OKAY. 98 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:56,309 WELL, I MEAN, WELL, WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE HUMAN CO-STAR, WHO'S IRISH AND HE'S ABOUT 46, AND HIS 99 00:12:56,309 --> 00:13:01,047 NAME STARTS WITH A C? CILLIAN MURPHY. OH, YEAH, HE'S QUITE GOOD. 100 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:04,050 FANTASTIC TO SEE YOU, COLIN. YOU TOO, BRENDAN. WELL, WILL YOU SING A SONG? 101 00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:06,119 WHY NOT? LET'S DO IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 102 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:16,429 ** * BLOW THAT TRUMPET RING THAT BELL * 103 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:24,404 * GOING TO HAVE A BLAST HOSTING SNL ** ** 104 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:29,075 SNL ** ** WELL DONE. 105 00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:45,125 YOU TONIGHT. WILLOW IS HERE, SO STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE BACK. 106 00:13:50,663 --> 00:14:10,250 I'M LAURA FIELDS. LET'S GO RIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE WITH OUR VERY OWN KOLLIN 107 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:27,267 O'DIRTY. COLLIN? COLLIN, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 108 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:36,076 AND THAT'S CONFIRMED. OH, YEAH, OKAY. BUT, YES. 109 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:46,586 SORRY, LAURA, I AM GETTING BREAKING NEWS THAT THE TRY GUYS HAVE NOW, IN FACT, RESPONDED TO 110 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:53,460 THE OLD NED FULMER SITUATION. WOW. I'M SORRY, WHAT? 111 00:14:53,460 --> 00:15:02,836 WHAT? WHAT IS A TRY GUY? LAURA, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW 112 00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:10,210 WHAT A TRY GUY IS? THEY TRY NAIL POLISH OR WEIRD HAIRCUTS AND THEY HAVE EVEN 113 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:16,483 TRIED EATING BUGS. GOTCHA. AND NOW, BACK TO PRESIDENT 114 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:20,854 BIDEN, AND NOW, GOING TO THE WEST -- SORRY TO INTERRUPT, LAURA, 115 00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:25,425 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. WE HAVE THE THREE REMAINING TRY GUYS ON THE LINE READY TO TALK. 116 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:46,379 WE HAVE THE THREE REMAINING TRY GUYS ON THE LINE READY TO TALK. ARE YOU THERE, TRY GUYS? 117 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,089 THANK YOU. THIS IS, YEAH. JUST SURREAL. 118 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:59,259 THERE'S A LOT OF ANGER ON THIS COUCH. UMM, OKAY, WELCOME TRY GUYS. 119 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,895 I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THIS STORY IS SUCH A SCANDAL. WAS THIS AFFAIR NON-CONSENSUAL? 120 00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:06,099 NO, WORSE. HE COMMITTED THE HEINOUS ACT OF HAVING A CONSENSUAL KISS, AND 121 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:11,371 NOT TELLING US, HIS FRIENDS. AND I'M -- I'M SORRY. WHY IS THAT HEINOUS? 122 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:15,608 WELL, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THE POWER DYNAMICS, LAURA. HE IS A TRY GUY, AND SHE IS A 123 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:23,283 FOOD BABY. RIGHT, RIGHT. YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAID THAT. 124 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:32,492 SO WHAT NOW? WELL, WE HAVE CONDUCTED AN INTERNAL REVIEW WITH AN INTERNAL 125 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:42,469 REVIEW WITH A TEAM OF HR PROFESSIONALS, AND ARE NO LONGER WORKING WITH WHITE GUY TRY GUY 126 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,404 NED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. HE SHOULD BE DEAD. 127 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:48,641 OKAY, WOW. SO THE FULL STORY IS THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND KISSED A SIDE CHICK 128 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,877 AT A CONCERT. SO YOU CUT HIM OUT COMPLETELY THEN FIRED HIM? 129 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,580 YES. WE HAD NO CHOICE. AND WE HOPE HE IS SOMEWHERE ON 130 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,515 HIS BACK WITH A BULLET IN HIS BRAIN AND BELLY. WHOA. 131 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,284 ISN'T THAT A LITTLE BIT EXTREME? WELL, NO. WELL, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, 132 00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,920 LAURA, THE SIDE CHICK WAS A FOOD BABY. YEAH, YES, YOU KEEP SAYING 133 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:06,026 THAT. WHAT IS A FOOD BABY? "FOOD BABY" IS A SPINOFF. 134 00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:13,700 FOOD SHOW ON THE TRY GUY'S CHANNEL. YOU IDIOT. 135 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,904 OKAY. STOP. TURNING BACK TO THE NEWS, 136 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,507 VIOLENCE CONTINUES AS IRAN IS ON THE CUSP OF A NEW CULTURAL REVOLUTION. 137 00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,710 CUT BACK TO US. NO! DUE TO THE TRAUMA WE ARE 138 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:28,448 FACING, THE EDITORS ARE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO REMOVE ANY TRACE OF NED FROM PAST TRY GUYS' 139 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:40,794 CONCERTS. THIS IS THE BATTLE OF OUR LIVES. WHOA! 140 00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:42,896 JAY-Z CHEATED ON BEYONCE. IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. CUT BACK TO US. 141 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,532 LOOK AT ME. THIS IS THE FACE OF GRIEF. NO, IT'S NOT. 142 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:50,270 IT IS THOUGH. AND JUST FYI, WE ARE STILL GOING TO BE RELEASING SOME PREVIOUSLY 143 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:57,143 FILMED BRANDED VIDEOS. SO, YEAH, YOU MIGHT SEE NED IN "SWEET GREEN PRESENTS: THE TRY 144 00:17:57,143 --> 00:18:15,462 "SWEET GREEN PRESENTS: THE TRY GUYS TRY SALAD WITH BUGS ON TOP." 145 00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:29,442 BALLS, BUT IT WILL STILL BE SAD BALLS, BECAUSE WE ARE ALL STILL PROCESSING THIS HORRIFIC AND 146 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:35,181 PROBABLY RACIST TRAGEDY. CAN YOU CUT BACK TO ME, PLEASE? 147 00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:37,484 NO. HEAR THIS, AMERICA. WE WILL NEVER STOP BRINGING YOU 148 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:40,453 THE SAME TRY GUYS ADVENTURE. I WILL STILL BE TRYING SUPER WEIRD CAMBODIAN FOOD. 149 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:44,657 AND ZACH WILL STILL BE TRYING SUPER WEIRD MALAYSIAN FOOD. AND KEITH IS STILL GOING TO TRY 150 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:57,203 WEARING A THONG FOR A WEEK, BECAUSE IT'S OUR DUTY. OKAY. 151 00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:01,708 THIS IS TOO TRAUMATIC. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER. THANK YOU FOR YOUR BRAVERY 152 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,011 TRY GUYS. KNOW THAT THE COUNTRY IS WITH YOU. 153 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:17,323 WHAT IS TODAY'S DATE? WHATEVER IT IS, NEVER FORGET. FOR CNN, I'M COLLIN O'DIRTY. 154 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:24,097 AND THEY ARE MILLIONAIRES. OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO SEE WHAT KETAMINE IS ALL ABOUT. 155 00:19:24,097 --> 00:19:27,734 KETAMINE IS ALL ABOUT. THIS HAS BEEN CNN. GOODNIGHT. 156 00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:38,378 "SNL," YOU GET A LOT OF ADVICE. ADVICE FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, VETERAN CAST MEMBERS, EVEN 157 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:43,049 LORNE. LORNE TOLD ME, "DON'T DO TOO MUCH IN THE FIRST COUPLE SHOWS." 158 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:47,721 LET THE AUDIENCE DISCOVER YOU AND GET TO KNOW YOU. UNTIL WE FIND WRITERS WHO 159 00:19:47,721 --> 00:19:52,492 UNDERSTAND MY VOICE, MY ODD HAUNTING VOICE. HE TOLD ME TO JUST BE ME. 160 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,762 TO TRUST MY INSTINCTS FROM STAND-UP. AND I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE AN 161 00:19:55,762 --> 00:20:02,635 AUDIENCE. HE WAS REALLY SWEET ABOUT IT. SEE? 162 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,772 THIS IS ALL KIND OF CRAZY TO HEAR, BECAUSE ON DAY ONE, LORNE TOLD ME WHEN HE OFF, AND HE 163 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,441 SAID, "MOLLY, THERE IS ONLY ONE REASON YOU ARE HERE. I NEED YOU TO KILL 164 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:14,247 VLADIMIR PUTIN." HE ASKED YOU IF HE'S GONE. HE SAID, "DON'T WORRY, THE 165 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,883 SERIAL NUMBERS HAVE BEEN SCRATCHED OFF. HE'LL NEVER TRACE IT BACK TO 166 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,553 US." I'M LIKE, "US?" I, FOR ONE, HAD SAID, "DON'T 167 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,690 EXPECT TO SEE IN A BUNCH OF SKETCHES RIGHT AWAY." LORNE SAID TO REALLY TAKE MY 168 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:27,927 TIME. YOU KNOW, MAYBE, DON'T EVEN WRITE A SKETCH UNTIL CHRISTMAS. 169 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:31,097 MY UNCLE SAID, "MAKE SURE TO GET AN ACCOUNTANT, AND WATCH HIM, BECAUSE SOMEBODY WILL TAKE 170 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:35,301 MY MONEY." I TOLD LORNE, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS. 171 00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:39,539 I WOULD RATHER BE ON SKETCHES, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I CAME HERE TO DO." 172 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:42,308 AND LORNE GOES, "EVERYBODY HAS DONE SKETCHES, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WILL FERRELL AND ADAM SANDLER 173 00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:47,414 NEVER DID? KILL VLADIMIR PUTIN." I TOLD HIM TO WAIT. 174 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:53,219 I TOLD MY AGENT ABOUT THIS. DAVID SPADE CALLED AND SAID, "CONGRATS ON YOUR FIRST UPDATE 175 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:56,890 FEATURE. WE'RE BOTH FROM ARIZONA, SO THAT WAS REALLY COOL." 176 00:20:56,890 --> 00:21:01,094 I GOT FLOWERS FROM KRISTIN WIIG. I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S INSANE." 177 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:04,264 I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE SHE KNOWS WHO I AM. I GET A CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF 178 00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:07,967 THE NIGHT. IT'S FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, JOHN KERRY. 179 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:12,172 AND HE SAID, "COME ON, LORNE. CAN YOU BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES WITH YOUR BAGS PACKED?" 180 00:21:12,172 --> 00:21:15,875 I'M THINKING, "PACKED WITH WHAT?" I FEEL LIKE HE WAS PART OF A 181 00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,977 LARGER FAMILY, ALL OF A SUDDEN. I SAW MY PHOTO ON THE SAME WALL WITH EDDIE MURPHY. 182 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:29,556 I MEAN, "THAT'S CRAZY." YOU KNOW, I SAW MY PHOTO ON THAT I WAS RECOGNIZED AND THEY 183 00:21:29,556 --> 00:21:40,967 THOUGHT THAT I WAS KEENAN, BUT THAT IS OKAY. AND LORNE SAID, WE CAN GET 184 00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:58,284 YOU TO RUSSIA, BUT I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT WE WILL GET YOU OUT. 185 00:21:58,284 --> 00:22:05,658 AND SO, I GET TO LORNE'S AT 4:00 A.M. IT'S JOHN KERRY, BILL GATES AND, 186 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:07,794 WEIRDLY, KELLY RIPA. WE'RE INSIDE. WE CAN GET YOU TO RUSSIA, BUT WE 187 00:22:07,794 --> 00:22:10,196 CAN'T PROMISE WE CAN GET YOU OUT. AND I REALLY WANT TO BE ON 188 00:22:10,196 --> 00:22:12,332 "SNL," SO I'M JUST, LIKE, NODDING MY HEAD AND SAYING, "ANYTHING YOU SAY, SIR." 189 00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:14,768 AND KELLY RIPA IS REALLY SWEET. SHE LIKE, "WHATEVER HAPPENS, JUST KNOW YOUR FAMILY WILL BE 190 00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:17,070 TAKEN CARE OF." BUT LIKE, IS KELLY RIPA GOING TO PAY FOR MY FUNERAL? 191 00:22:17,070 --> 00:22:19,706 I'M WORKING ON A SKETCH THIS WEEK AND LORNE SAID, "DON'T RUSH INTO IT." 192 00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:21,775 HE SAID, "EVEN IF I'M NOT IN ANY SKETCHES FOR THE FIRST YEAR OR TWO, THAT'S FINE." 193 00:22:21,775 --> 00:22:24,944 I TOLD LORNE I WAS WORKING ON A SKETCH FOR ME AND MOLLY, AND HE JUST, KIND OF, STARED OFF 194 00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:27,247 INTO THE DISTANCE AND SAID, "IF WE EVER SEE MOLLY AGAIN." I KNEW THAT AIN'T FEEL RIGHT. 195 00:22:27,247 --> 00:22:29,849 I'M THROWN IN BACK OF A VAN. I HEAR A MILITARY GUY SCREAM, "IF SHE GETS CAPTURED OVER 196 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:33,386 THERE, SHE IS ON HER OWN." AND I WANT HER TO BE LIKE -- IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE -- IT'S 197 00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:37,624 ACTUALLY "THEY," NOT "SHE." BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT MOMENT FOR THE PRONOUN 198 00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:39,926 TALK. THEN WE DRIVED STRAIGHT THROUGH THE NIGHT AT, LIKE, 150 MILES AN 199 00:22:39,926 --> 00:22:41,795 HOUR AND I'M LIKE, "WHOA!" THE HOURS AT "SNL" IS REALLY ARE CRAZY. 200 00:22:41,795 --> 00:22:44,464 WE WERE TEXTING EACH OTHER THE FIRST WEEK LIKE, "GOOD LUCK," "BREAK A LEG," AND THEN 201 00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:47,600 MOLLY TEXTED, "I HAVE TO KILL." IT'S LIKE, "DON'T PUT THAT KIND OF PRESSURE ON YOURSELF." 202 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,770 YOU REALIZE THERE'S THIS WHOLE COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE WHO WORK AT "SNL," AND WE'RE ALL 203 00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:53,973 JUST HERE TO DO COMEDY. EXCEPT, APPARENTLY, MOLLY. THE VAN SCREECHES TO A HALT. 204 00:22:53,973 --> 00:22:57,777 THEY THROW ME ON TO A DOCK, RIP OFF THE HOOD. AND I'M LIKE, "IS THIS THE 205 00:22:57,777 --> 00:23:00,280 PANAMA CANAL?" THEN A GUY WALKS UP IN A SAFARI HAT AND A WHITE MUSTACHE. 206 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,484 I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS LORNE'S TWIN BROTHER, AND HE SAYS -- [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ] 207 00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:14,494 THEN THEY DRIVE AWAY, AND I GO TO CALL AN UBER, BUT I CAN'T USE MY PHONE BECAUSE THEY BURNT MY 208 00:23:14,494 --> 00:23:19,766 BETTER BREAD PHONE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU'LL HAVE TO REALIZE YOU'RE GOING TO 209 00:23:19,766 --> 00:23:22,936 HAVE GOOD SHOWS AND BAD SHOWS. LAST WEEK, I GOT ON WEEKEND UPDATE. 210 00:23:22,936 --> 00:23:25,772 THIS WEEK, I GET TO PLAY KANYE WEST. YOU JUST HAVE TO ENJOY THE RIDE. 211 00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:28,708 EXACTLY. DON'T TRY TO WRITE OR PITCH IDEAS. 212 00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:31,378 DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO PUT YOU IN SKETCHES OR GIVE YOU A COMPUTER OR AN OFFICE OR AN I.D. 213 00:23:31,378 --> 00:23:37,650 SO YOU GET INSIDE THE BUILDING. YOU JUST GOT TO CHILL AT HOME. AND BE MORE EXCITING THAT 214 00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:40,854 THERE ARE FOUR NEW CAST MEMBERS SO WE CAN EXPERIENCE IT TOGETHER. 215 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:43,990 LONG STORY SHORT, MOST OF MY FIRST WEEK AT "SNL" IS ABOUT CONNECTING BUSES THROUGH 216 00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:52,098 CENTRAL AMERICA. BUT I MADE IT RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW OPEN, AND JUST BEFORE THE 217 00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:58,938 COLD OPEN STARTED, LORNE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "MOLLY, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU." 218 00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:02,208 AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE NEVER MAKE CAST MEMBERS KILL PEOPLE. I THOUGHT THAT WAS REALLY COOL. 219 00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:07,914 I THOUGHT THAT WAS REALLY COOL. KILL OSAMA BIN LADEN? NOW I GOT A TASTE FOR IT. 220 00:24:26,733 --> 00:24:29,369 WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOOT THE BIG DANCE NUMBER. I'M JUST GOING TO MESS IT UP, 221 00:24:29,369 --> 00:24:32,072 DADDY. IT'S LIKE I'M A SLAVE TO THIS MARILYN MONROE. 222 00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:40,780 OH, DON'T SAY THAT, MARILYN. EVERYBODY LOVES YOU. AND TO CHEER YOU UP, I BROUGHT 223 00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:49,389 IN DEVIN AND AGNES FROM THE STUDIO TO READ YOU ALL OF YOUR ADORING FAN MAIL. 224 00:24:49,389 --> 00:24:56,996 COME ON IN, LADIES. WOW. OH, WOW, IS THAT A PAINTING OR A 225 00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:59,833 LADY? LOOK, YOU'RE MARILYN MONROE. YOU'RE EVEN PRETTIER THAN THE 226 00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:02,802 PICTURE. YOU SURE DO HAVE A LOT OF FANS, MISS MONROE. 227 00:25:02,802 --> 00:25:05,438 THIS IS THE MOST MAIL WE'VE EVER SEEN. WE HAD TO CARRY IT ALL UP 228 00:25:05,438 --> 00:25:07,540 AWAY FROM THE BASEMENT, BUT IT'S WORTH IT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. 229 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:10,710 SEE MARILYN? THEY LOVE YOU. AND I DO NEED THE LOVE, 230 00:25:10,710 --> 00:25:12,812 DADDY. LET'S HEAR THOSE LETTERS. HERE'S -- HERE'S ONE. 231 00:25:12,812 --> 00:25:14,948 MARILYN, YOU ARE THE SWEETHEART OF THIS AND ANY OTHER MONTH. AW. 232 00:25:14,948 --> 00:25:17,250 AW. EVEN FEBRUARY? OH, SHUCKS, I'M BEGINNING TO 233 00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:19,252 FEEL BETTER ALREADY. HERE'S ANOTHER. MARILYN, I WISH I WAS YOU. 234 00:25:19,252 --> 00:25:25,058 AH. MY TURN. MARILYN, YOU ARE A WHORE, BLONDE 235 00:25:25,058 --> 00:25:34,067 AND FRAIL. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU, YOU DISGUSTING TRAMP. 236 00:25:34,067 --> 00:25:40,540 YOU ARE POISONING OUR CHILDREN, YOU TRAMP. THAT SEEMS A LITTLE MEAN. 237 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:44,077 THAT ONE MUST HAVE BEEN MIXED UP. THIS IS ANOTHER ONE. 238 00:25:44,077 --> 00:25:49,082 MARILYN, YOU ARE A SWEETHEART AND YOUR SMILE IS A SWEETHEART, TOO. 239 00:25:49,082 --> 00:25:54,754 YOU ARE A SWEETHEART SWEETHEART, LOVE LOUISVILLE. I LOVE LOUISVILLE. 240 00:25:54,754 --> 00:26:02,929 I THINK THAT I AM READY SO START THAT SCENE. MARILYN, YOU ARE A DUMB 241 00:26:02,929 --> 00:26:20,480 BABOON AND YOUR BRAIN IS IN YOUR BUTT, AND I'D LIKE TO KICK IT. NOT A FAN. 242 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,816 OKAY. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? MAYBE WE COULD, LIKE, SCREEN 243 00:26:22,816 --> 00:26:25,752 THESE A LITTLE AND IF THEY GET REALLY MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE, BAIL? 244 00:26:25,752 --> 00:26:28,388 WELL, IT'S HARD, MS. MONROE, BECAUSE SOME OF THEM START NICE AND END MEAN. 245 00:26:28,388 --> 00:26:30,690 AND THEN SOME OF THEM START MEAN AND END NICE. AND THEN SOME OF THEM START 246 00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:32,892 MEAN AND JUST END. WELL, DO SOME OF THEM START NICE AND JUST STAY NICE? 247 00:26:32,892 --> 00:26:35,261 SURE. HERE'S ONE MISS MONROE. ARE YOU SURE IT'S ALL NICE? 248 00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:38,398 YEAH. YOU READ THE WHOLE THING? YEAH. 249 00:26:38,398 --> 00:26:40,066 FRONT TO BACK, SIDE TO SIDE? YEAH. ALL RIGHT. 250 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:41,534 YEAH. ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD. 251 00:26:49,976 --> 00:26:53,646 HERE'S AN IDEA. MAYBE IF IT SAYS "WHORE," WE SKIP THAT AND SAY "FLOWER" 252 00:26:53,646 --> 00:26:57,317 INSTEAD. OH, YOU GOT IT. MARILYN, YOU WERE BORN A FLOWER, 253 00:26:57,317 --> 00:27:04,691 AND YOU WILL DIE A FLOWER. YOU ARE A DIRTY FLOWER, AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A FLOWER, TOO. 254 00:27:04,691 --> 00:27:11,031 OH, OH, I FOUND A GOOD ONE. AH. I'M ALSO A FLOWER. 255 00:27:11,031 --> 00:27:21,341 NOT A FAN. OKAY. EVERYONE HATES MARILYN MONROE. 256 00:27:21,341 --> 00:27:26,079 I SHOULD HAVE STAYED NORMA JEAN. WELL, THIS IS ADDRESSED TO NORMA JEAN. 257 00:27:26,079 --> 00:27:29,049 NORMA JEAN?! ONLY IN THE WORLD, PROUDLY -- ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD 258 00:27:29,049 --> 00:27:31,317 CALLS ME THAT. NORMA JEAN, IT'S YOUR DAD. NOT A FAN. 259 00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:35,055 OKAY. IF HE'S NOT A FAN OF -- MAYBE HE'S BEEN -- 260 00:27:35,055 --> 00:27:39,259 WELL, MAYBE WE DON'T READ ANY THAT SAY "NOT A FAN AT ALL." IS THAT OKAY? 261 00:27:39,259 --> 00:27:42,962 ALSO, I'M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU TWO AGAIN? WELL, WE'RE YOUR FAN MAIL 262 00:27:42,962 --> 00:27:48,702 READERS. AND THAT'S, LIKE, THE WHOLE JOB? 263 00:27:48,702 --> 00:27:52,405 WELL, WE ARE ALSO VEERING FOR SOME OF THE GAY STARS, BUT WE CAN'T SAY WHICH, ROCK HUDSON. 264 00:27:52,405 --> 00:27:58,945 OKAY. I THINK I'M ABOUT TO BE DONE WITH THESE WOMEN, PLEASE. 265 00:27:58,945 --> 00:28:03,483 NO, NO, NO. PLEASE JUST GIVE US ONE MORE CHANCE. 266 00:28:03,483 --> 00:28:08,488 CHANCE. LOOK. HERE, IT IS A DRAWING. 267 00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:17,731 IT'S YOU IN JAIL FOR BEING A WHORE. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 268 00:28:17,731 --> 00:28:24,070 ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE. LADIES, YOU'RE FIRED. LET ME SEE THOSE LETTERS. 269 00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:29,876 THIS IS ONE THAT SAYS HOW THE PUBLIC REALLY FEELS ABOUT YOU. OKAY. 270 00:28:29,876 --> 00:28:35,482 MARILYN, YOU ARE A GENIUS AND ICON AND DANCE YOUR HEART OUT. OH, DADDY, THAT'S EXACTLY 271 00:28:35,482 --> 00:28:43,390 WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. MAYBE LETTERS REALLY ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. 272 00:28:43,390 --> 00:28:50,463 GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. DID IT REALLY SAY THAT? WHO KNOWS, I CAN'T READ. 273 00:28:54,401 --> 00:28:56,536 SHOTS. ARE YOU THE PHOTOGRAPHER? NO, I JUST LIKE STANDING NEXT 274 00:28:56,536 --> 00:29:03,576 TO THE CAMERAS. I'M KIDDING. I'M FUNNY. 275 00:29:03,576 --> 00:29:07,480 SIT OVER THERE AND WE'LL GET STARTED. SO I BROUGHT IN A COUPLE OF 276 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:14,854 DIFFERENT LOOKS. NOTHING CRAZY. GRANDPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 277 00:29:14,854 --> 00:29:17,724 YOU FORGOT YOUR FEDORA IN THE CAR. AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED IT 278 00:29:17,724 --> 00:29:19,626 FOR YOUR LITTLE ACTING PHOTOS. THEY'RE CALLED HEADSHOTS, GRANDPA. 279 00:29:19,626 --> 00:29:22,262 I'M SORRY ABOUT HIM. I SEE I'VE INTERRUPTED. MY APOLOGIES. 280 00:29:22,262 --> 00:29:28,568 I'LL SHOVE OFF. WAIT. I DON'T MEAN TO BE WEIRD. 281 00:29:28,568 --> 00:29:44,617 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL ABOUT YOU. WHO, ME? 282 00:29:44,617 --> 00:29:48,788 NO. YES. YOU MUST LET ME TAKE MY PHOTO. 283 00:29:48,788 --> 00:29:53,293 I HAVE NEVER HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN BEFORE. WHAT ABOUT ME? 284 00:29:53,293 --> 00:30:12,545 YOU CAN MOVE YOUR HUGE ASS. PLEASE, SIR, STAND OVER THERE. 285 00:30:12,545 --> 00:30:20,920 YOUR AUDITION CAN WAIT. SHOW ME BROODING. YES, YES. 286 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:31,164 NOW, GET YOUR SMILE ON. YES. NOW, BITE THAT LIP AND POP THAT 287 00:30:31,164 --> 00:30:40,106 HIP. COME ON. YES, SIR! 288 00:30:40,106 --> 00:30:46,012 NOW, HOW ABOUT WE DO A SILLY ONE. UH-HUH, YES. 289 00:30:46,012 --> 00:30:51,951 THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ANY LIFE AND I HAVE SEEN "SEINFELD." 290 00:30:51,951 --> 00:30:58,258 IS IT MY TURN YET? IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE JEALOUS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE REAL 291 00:30:58,258 --> 00:31:04,898 STAR. THAT IS MY GRANDPA. PLEASE, SIR. 292 00:31:04,898 --> 00:31:19,412 ONE MORE. OKAY. YOU SKI. 293 00:31:19,412 --> 00:31:22,782 YES. YES! DEAR GOD, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT 294 00:31:22,782 --> 00:31:31,524 SKIING LOOKS LIKE. NOW, HOW ABOUT CUTE SHY BOY? OH, WHY SO SHY, CUTE BOY? 295 00:31:31,524 --> 00:31:35,195 COME ON OUT OF THAT SHELL, HMM? YES, MORE. MORE. 296 00:31:35,195 --> 00:31:44,237 COME ON, MORE. YES. CORRECT. 297 00:31:44,237 --> 00:31:53,680 THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING? 298 00:31:53,680 --> 00:32:00,553 HOW ABOUT YOU WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOUR GRANDPA FOR THE FIRST TIME. 299 00:32:00,553 --> 00:32:04,224 NOW, WHERE WERE WE? WELL, WE'VE HAD A LAUGH. I THINK IT IS TIME FOR THIS OLD 300 00:32:04,224 --> 00:32:06,893 MAN TO GO. NO. NO! 301 00:32:06,893 --> 00:32:11,097 DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THE WORLD NEEDS TO SEE WHAT I SEE. 302 00:32:11,097 --> 00:32:13,833 DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IF PEOPLE SAW THIS PLAIN OLD FACE, THERE'D BE NO MORE WAR? 303 00:32:13,833 --> 00:32:24,577 EXACTLY. WHAT? HELLO, I'M HERE FOR MY 304 00:32:24,577 --> 00:32:28,882 HEADSHOT. I CAN COME BACK LATER. NOW, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND 305 00:32:28,882 --> 00:32:33,319 VERY WEIRD, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU. ME? 306 00:32:33,319 --> 00:32:40,560 NO. THIS IS CRAZY IDEA, BUT WOULD YOU GO STAND NEXT TO HIM. 307 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:50,103 PLEASE. MM-MMM-MM-MMM. YES. 308 00:32:50,103 --> 00:32:53,440 IT WORKS. WOULD YOU INDULGE ME? I DON'T KNOW. 309 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:57,010 I HAVE NEVER HAD MY PICTURE TAKEN BEFORE. THAT IS A LIE. 310 00:32:57,010 --> 00:33:02,816 SILENCE. ALL RIGHT, BOYS. LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD. 311 00:33:02,816 --> 00:33:08,688 OKAY. SO YOU ARE BUDDIES, BUT SOMETIMES YOU DON'T GET ALONG. 312 00:33:08,688 --> 00:33:14,060 OH, YES. NOW, ONE OF YOU IS THE PRESIDENT AND ONE OF YOU IS MEETING THE 313 00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:22,669 PRESIDENT. YES, YES. NOW, DOUBLE CUTE SHY BOYS. 314 00:33:22,669 --> 00:33:30,677 OH, MY GOD! YES. HELLO, "TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE" IT 315 00:33:30,677 --> 00:33:36,616 IS YOUR COUSIN "MARVIN TIGER BEAT MAGAZINE." YOU KNOW THAT SOUND THAT YOU'VE 316 00:33:36,616 --> 00:33:43,823 BEEN WAITING FOR? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS. IS IT MY TURN NOW? 317 00:33:49,295 --> 00:33:56,703 GET OFF THE ISLAND, BRO. MY MOM IS GOING TO FREAK OUT. JOHN, THIS PARTY ROCKS. 318 00:33:56,703 --> 00:34:03,677 IT IS LIKE LEGENDARY. I TOLD YOUR MOM NOT TO DRINK. SHE HAS GOTTA, BECAUSE WE ARE 319 00:34:03,677 --> 00:34:06,646 SENIORS NOW. SENIORS. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SAY THAT, 320 00:34:06,646 --> 00:34:23,496 BECAUSE I AM SO USED TO BEING A JUNIOR. TOTALLY. 321 00:34:23,496 --> 00:34:26,166 LOOK AT US, GROWING UP. OH, I GOT MY PENN STATE APP DONE, BY THE WAY. 322 00:34:26,166 --> 00:34:28,768 DUDE, ME TOO, BROTHER. SAME. HELLO, FUTURE ROOMIES. 323 00:34:28,768 --> 00:34:32,472 WHAT ABOUT YOU, TOMMY. YOU DONE WITH THE APP? ACTUALLY, GUYS, THERE'S 324 00:34:32,472 --> 00:34:35,108 SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU. I AM NOT APPLYING TO PENN STATE. 325 00:34:35,108 --> 00:34:38,244 WHAT? OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE APPLYING TO HARVARD, 326 00:34:38,244 --> 00:34:40,547 AREN'T YOU, PAL? TOMMY. OH, YOU FREAKING BRAINIAC. 327 00:34:40,547 --> 00:34:43,083 NO, NO, NO. GUYS. LOOK, REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU 328 00:34:43,083 --> 00:34:44,584 THAT I WAS 17? YEAH. WE ALL ARE. 329 00:34:44,584 --> 00:34:47,253 I'M 67. WHAT? I'M 67 YEARS OLD. 330 00:34:47,253 --> 00:34:49,856 NO. YOU'RE 17. YOU FROM NEW JERSEY. 331 00:34:49,856 --> 00:34:53,526 YOUR NAME IS TOMMY "PORKCHOP" LUCIANO. MY NAME SEAMUS O'SULLIVAN. 332 00:34:53,526 --> 00:34:57,230 I'M A 67-YEAR-OLD IRISHMAN. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, WHEN WE WOULD SKIP SEVENTH 333 00:34:57,230 --> 00:34:59,332 PERIOD TO SNEAK BEERS, YOU WERE WHAT? SOME OLD GUY? 334 00:34:59,332 --> 00:35:09,242 THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING THE CRAPPY BEER, I WAS DRINKING -- 335 00:35:09,242 --> 00:35:14,214 A GLASS OF WHISKEY WITH A BIG SQUARE CUBE. OH MY GOD. 336 00:35:14,214 --> 00:35:17,584 BUT PORKCHOP, YOU WERE THE CRAZIEST KID IN SCHOOL. I MEAN, YOU DID DRUGS IN CLASS. 337 00:35:17,584 --> 00:35:26,059 BYE-BYE. THOSE WERE BLOOD THINNERS. SO, ALL OF THOSE TIMES AFTER 338 00:35:26,059 --> 00:35:27,927 GYM CLASS WHEN WE WERE NERVOUSLY CHANGING, AND YOU WERE -- WERE -- 339 00:35:27,927 --> 00:35:42,742 YOU WERE COMFORTABLE BEING ASS-NUDE. OH, MY GOD. 340 00:35:42,742 --> 00:35:44,511 THAT'S JUST THE WAY OLD FELLOWS ARE. TOMMY, WHY ARE YOU IN HIGH 341 00:35:44,511 --> 00:35:47,480 SCHOOL? I DON'T KNOW. I JUST GOT LOST. 342 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,149 AND THEN I WATCHED "GOSSIP GIRL" AND IT JUST SEEMED FUN. WHAT? 343 00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:51,251 COME ON, MAN! YOU WATCHED "GOSSIP GIRL" AND THEN ENROLLED IN SCHOOL? 344 00:35:51,251 --> 00:35:53,486 YOU START "GOSSIP GIRL" AND THEN YOU ENROLLED IN SCHOOL? YOU SOUND LIKE MY WIFE. 345 00:35:53,486 --> 00:35:57,190 DUDE, YOU HAVE A WIFE? YES, SINCE '77. DO YOU THINK THEY'LL BE MAD AT 346 00:35:57,190 --> 00:36:02,195 ME? OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S GOING TO BE MAD AT YOU. 347 00:36:02,195 --> 00:36:04,364 I THINK I THOUGHT OF A NEW NICKNAME FOR US. THE CORE FOUR. 348 00:36:04,364 --> 00:36:06,499 WE'RE STILL THE CORE FOUR. THE CORE FOUR IS NO MORE. COME ON, GUYS. 349 00:36:06,499 --> 00:36:09,135 LET'S GO. I DO JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION. WAS ANY OF THIS REAL? 350 00:36:09,135 --> 00:36:11,438 WAS IT REAL? BEN, WHEN YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH MONEY, WHAT DID I DO? 351 00:36:11,438 --> 00:36:14,374 YOU GAVE ME HALF YOUR CABBAGE. AND WHEN YOU WERE HAVING 352 00:36:14,374 --> 00:36:17,043 BODY-IMAGE ISSUES, WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? YOU TOOK YOUR SHIRT OFF AND 353 00:36:17,043 --> 00:36:21,948 JUMPED AROUND A LITTLE. JOHN BOY, WHEN YOUR FATHER PASSED, WHO WAS THERE TO SUPPORT 354 00:36:21,948 --> 00:36:24,584 YOUR FAMILY? YOU. STAYED WITH YOUR MOTHER EVERY 355 00:36:24,584 --> 00:36:27,520 NIGHT. GIVING HER MASSAGES. SLEEPING IN HER BED. 356 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:33,360 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HAPPENED. AYE, YOU'RE MY BOYS. AND WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE AN EPIC 357 00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:36,496 SENIOR YEAR! WAIT, YOU'RE STAYING? WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY? 358 00:36:36,496 --> 00:36:40,200 DON'T BE AN ASS. I'M NOT GOING TO MISS ME SENIOR YEAR. 359 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:44,404 NOT WHEN WE FINALLY RUN THIS SCHOOL. ANYBODY NEED A LIFT? 360 00:36:44,404 --> 00:36:50,610 SCHOOL. ANYBODY NEED A LIFT? OH! 361 00:37:04,424 --> 00:37:13,667 YOU ARE AMAZING. THIS IS FOR YOU. 362 00:37:13,667 --> 00:37:24,511 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WILLOW! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 363 00:37:24,511 --> 00:37:34,220 ** * I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS AN ORDER TO THIS 364 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:37,924 THE WIND IN THE TREES WHISPERING MATHEMATICS * * I ALWAYS KNEW 365 00:37:37,924 --> 00:37:42,662 I TRIED MY BEST TO TALK BACK REFRACT THE WISDOM TO HEAL THE ABYSS * 366 00:37:42,662 --> 00:37:46,332 * SOMEBODY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT * * AND WHEN THIS LIFE 367 00:37:46,332 --> 00:37:51,604 IS LOOKING DARK IT'S ALL THAT WE HAVE * * AND WHEN NOBODY WANTS 368 00:37:51,604 --> 00:37:56,309 TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THAT WE CAN DO IS STEP INTO DREAD * 369 00:37:56,309 --> 00:38:01,081 * THAT'S WHAT I SAID AND I'M TAKIN' THIS ADVENTURE ON MY OWN * 370 00:38:01,081 --> 00:38:04,250 * WALKIN' THROUGH A DARKENED FOREST GOIN' HOME * 371 00:38:04,250 --> 00:38:09,022 * CURIOUS FURIOUS I FEEL ALONE OH OOH * 372 00:38:09,022 --> 00:38:16,396 * GETTING OVER IT NOW AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE 373 00:38:16,396 --> 00:38:19,532 EITHER SIDE * * WIN OR LOSE RIGHT OR WRONG 374 00:38:19,532 --> 00:38:24,270 IT'S A BATTLE * * IN YOUR MIND YOU BETTER OPEN WIDE 375 00:38:24,270 --> 00:38:29,576 GETTING OVER IT NOW * * AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE 376 00:38:29,576 --> 00:38:36,950 EITHER SIDE * * WIN OR LOSE RIGHT OR WRONG 377 00:38:36,950 --> 00:38:56,870 IT'S A BATTLE * * SHOOTING OURSELVES FROM CALM FROM THE CHAOS RESTARTS 378 00:38:56,870 --> 00:39:00,040 DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO MY QUESTIONS ENDLESS * * AND THE ONLY THING 379 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:03,243 THAT I WANT I DON'T WANNA START A FIGHT * 380 00:39:03,243 --> 00:39:06,513 * BUT YOU KNOW WHEN IT GETS HEATED THAT'S JUST WHAT I LIKE * 381 00:39:06,513 --> 00:39:09,549 * AND I NEVER WANNA TALK ABOUT IT I JUST WANNA SIT 382 00:39:09,549 --> 00:39:12,719 IN MY ROOM INSTEAD * * THAT'S WHAT I SAID AND I'M TAKIN' THIS 383 00:39:12,719 --> 00:39:15,355 ADVENTURE ON MY OWN * * WALKIN' THROUGH A DARKENED FOREST 384 00:39:15,355 --> 00:39:18,024 GOIN' HOME * * CURIOUS FURIOUS I FEEL ALONE 385 00:39:18,024 --> 00:39:23,229 OH OOH * * GETTING OVER IT NOW AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN 386 00:39:23,229 --> 00:39:27,467 BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE EITHER SIDE * * WIN OR LOSE 387 00:39:27,467 --> 00:39:36,943 RIGHT OR WRONG IT'S A BATTLE * * THAT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND 388 00:39:36,943 --> 00:39:39,612 YOU BETTER OPEN WIDE GETTING OVER IT NOW * * AND I NEVER WEAR A FROWN 389 00:39:39,612 --> 00:39:46,953 BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T CHOOSE EITHER SIDE WIN OR LOSE * 390 00:39:46,953 --> 00:40:16,516 * RIGHT OR WRONG ** ** 391 00:40:16,516 --> 00:40:18,585 ** ** ** 392 00:40:39,939 --> 00:40:44,544 THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," 393 00:40:44,544 --> 00:40:50,350 I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, THE MIDTERMS ARE ONLY 394 00:40:50,350 --> 00:40:54,054 A MONTH AWAY, AND IS IT JUST ME, OR ARE SOME CANDIDATES TRYING TO LOSE? 395 00:40:54,054 --> 00:40:57,757 LET'S JUST START IN PENNSYLVANIA WITH DR. OZ, SEEN HERE TELLING THE AUDIENCE HOW MANY MINUTES 396 00:40:57,757 --> 00:41:03,563 HE'S LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA. A REVIEW OF SCIENTIFIC STUDIES PUBLISHED BY DR. OZ REVEALED 397 00:41:03,563 --> 00:41:13,073 THAT HIS EXPERIMENTS KILLED OVER 300 DOGS, BUT EVENTUALLY HE GOT THE RECIPE RIGHT. 398 00:41:13,073 --> 00:41:18,278 DR. OZ HAS REFUSED TO COMMENT ON THE REPORT THAT HIS RESEARCH KILLED OVER 300 DOGS, THOUGH 399 00:41:18,278 --> 00:41:26,686 IT'S POSSIBLE HE COULDN'T HEAR THE QUESTION OVER THE WOODCHIPPER. 400 00:41:26,686 --> 00:41:31,458 BUT DON'T WORRY, DR. OZ WON EVERYBODY BACK, LAST NIGHT, WHEN HE GAVE A SPEECH IN FRONT OF 401 00:41:31,458 --> 00:41:39,866 HITLER'S CAR. WORSE, HE THEN GOT IN THE CAR AND BACKED OVER A DOG. 402 00:41:39,866 --> 00:41:46,172 GEORGIA'S SENATE CANDIDATE, HERSCHEL WALKER, DENIED REPORTS THAT HE PAID FOR A GIRLFRIEND'S 403 00:41:46,172 --> 00:41:52,512 ABORTION, SAYING, "I SEND MONEY TO A LOT OF PEOPLE," BEFORE ADDING, "YOU KNOW, FOR 404 00:41:52,512 --> 00:41:57,751 ABORTIONS." AFTER THE NEWS BROKE THAT WALKER PAID FOR HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND'S 405 00:41:57,751 --> 00:42:03,056 ABORTION, HE RAISED MORE THAN $500,000, BECAUSE DOLLARS ARE THE ONLY THING WALKER IS WILLING 406 00:42:03,056 --> 00:42:15,669 TO RAISE. FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER, 407 00:42:15,669 --> 00:42:19,873 RON DeSANTIS, EXPLAINED WHY SO MANY RESIDENTS FAILED TO EVACUATE, SAYING, "SOME PEOPLE 408 00:42:19,873 --> 00:42:25,178 JUST DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR HOMES, WHICH IS WHY SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TRICK THEM ONTO A 409 00:42:25,178 --> 00:42:40,427 PLANE TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD. DURING THE TRIAL OF OATH KEEPERS FOUNDER, STEWART RHODES, 410 00:42:40,427 --> 00:42:46,232 WHOSE BEARD IS PATCHIER THAN HIS EYE PATCH -- CRUSHED. PROSECUTORS PLAYED A RECORDING 411 00:42:46,232 --> 00:42:49,402 OF HIM SAYING THAT HIS ONLY REGRET ABOUT THE JANUARY 6th ATTACKS WAS NOT BRINGING RIFLES, 412 00:42:49,402 --> 00:42:53,106 WHICH SOUNDS LIKE AN OBVIOUS CONFESSION OF GUILT, BUT TRY LOOKING AT THIS FROM RHODES' 413 00:42:53,106 --> 00:42:57,844 PERSPECTIVE, WITH LITTLE TO NO DEPTH PERCEPTION. THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN 414 00:42:57,844 --> 00:43:01,514 PARDONED THOUSANDS OF CONVICTED MARIJUANA USERS, AND IT FEELS LIKE MAYBE HE CELEBRATED WITH 415 00:43:01,514 --> 00:43:06,286 THEM A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH AT A CAR FACTORY, AND HE OPENED 416 00:43:06,286 --> 00:43:16,830 WITH THIS. LET ME START OFF WITH TWO WORDS -- MADE IN AMERICA. 417 00:43:16,830 --> 00:43:26,806 WOW. LET ME RESPOND WITH TWO WORDS -- JESUS H. CHRIST. 418 00:43:26,806 --> 00:43:29,542 PRESIDENT BIDEN WAS ALSO HEARD CRITICIZING REPORTERS AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR SHOUTING 419 00:43:29,542 --> 00:43:31,544 QUESTIONS AT HIM. QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHAT YEAR IS IT?" 420 00:43:31,544 --> 00:43:34,180 AND "WHO'S THE CURRENT PRESIDENT?" AND ALSO, THEY WEREN'T 421 00:43:34,180 --> 00:43:42,589 REPORTERS, THEY WERE DOCTORS. KAYNE WEST APPEARED -- OH, NO. 422 00:43:42,589 --> 00:43:45,725 KAYNE WEST APPEARED ON TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW TO DEFEND WEARING A WHITE LIVES MATTER 423 00:43:45,725 --> 00:43:49,929 SHIRT, CLAIMING HE WORE THE SHIRT BECAUSE HE WAS USING, QUOTE, "A GUT INSTINCT." 424 00:43:49,929 --> 00:43:56,803 AND WHAT -- AND WHAT HE'S DEFINITELY NOT USING, ARE PRESCRIBED MEDS. 425 00:43:56,803 --> 00:44:00,507 A BRITISH PILOT CREATED THE LARGEST EVER PORTRAIT OF QUEEN ELIZABETH BY DRAWING HER OUTLINE 426 00:44:00,507 --> 00:44:07,580 ON THE FLIGHT PATH OVER THE COUNTRY. AND LET'S SEE A PICTURE OF IT. 427 00:44:07,580 --> 00:44:11,851 COUNTRY. AND LET'S SEE A PICTURE OF IT. SHE IS SMILING. 428 00:44:19,392 --> 00:44:26,833 IN THE COUNTRY AND IT IS GOING TO GO TO ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY THAT HERSCHEL WALKER HAS 429 00:44:26,833 --> 00:44:28,735 TO GO TO ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY THAT HERSCHEL WALKER HAS VISITED. 430 00:44:32,372 --> 00:44:42,082 DISNEY MADE HISTORY AFTER ANNOUNCING LIVE ACTION REMAKE OF "BLACK ARIEL" AND HERE TO 431 00:44:42,082 --> 00:44:50,390 COMMENT IS BLACK ARIEL. THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME ARIEL. 432 00:44:50,390 --> 00:44:58,198 I DON'T CALL YOU WHITE COLIN TO YOUR FACE. SOME PEOPLE ARE CALLING YOU A 433 00:44:58,198 --> 00:45:02,836 HERO. HERO TO WHO? BLACK GIRLS WHO WANT TO BE A 434 00:45:02,836 --> 00:45:06,639 FISH? PEOPLE ARE LIKE, ARIEL, YOU ARE PERFECT, AND YOU ARE THE ARIEL 435 00:45:06,639 --> 00:45:13,713 THAT WE NEED. BITCH, I AM NORMAL. HERO IS A LOT THE LIVE UP TO. 436 00:45:13,713 --> 00:45:47,147 YES, DID NOT WANT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. SO YOU'RE NOT PERFECT, RIGHT? 437 00:45:47,147 --> 00:45:49,582 SORRY. LOOK, I'M JUST BEING HONEST. ALSO, I GREW UP RICH. 438 00:45:49,582 --> 00:45:51,885 MY DAD WAS THE KING OF THE SEA. WE HAD MONEY-MONEY. I USED TO RIDE AROUND ON LITTLE 439 00:45:51,885 --> 00:45:53,953 SEA HORSES FOR FUN. WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? DOWN THERE, THOSE ARE JUST 440 00:45:53,953 --> 00:45:56,423 POOR PEOPLE. OH. YEAH. 441 00:45:56,423 --> 00:45:58,558 WELL -- WELL -- WELL, YEAH, THAT'S NOT GREAT. NO. 442 00:45:58,558 --> 00:46:01,161 I'M DUMB, TOO, COLIN. LIKE, STUPID-STUPID. MY BRAIN PASS FISH. 443 00:46:01,161 --> 00:46:02,829 I'LL DEADASS BITE A WORM ON A HOOK. GETS ME EVERY DAMN TIME. 444 00:46:02,829 --> 00:46:05,065 ARIEL, WHY ARE YOU TELLING US ALL THIS. 'CAUSE I'M JUST TRYING TO GET 445 00:46:05,065 --> 00:46:07,167 AHEAD OF STUFF. FOR EXAMPLE, I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY, BUT I'M STILL 446 00:46:07,167 --> 00:46:09,602 PRO-SEAWORLD. AND I MET SHAMU. AND LET ME PUT IT TO YOU LIKE 447 00:46:09,602 --> 00:46:11,671 THIS, I'M GLAD HIS ASS IS LOCKED UP. WOW. 448 00:46:11,671 --> 00:46:14,107 OKAY. WELL, I'M SURE THERE'S A -- ALSO, SUPPORTED THE WAR IN 449 00:46:14,107 --> 00:46:15,875 IRAQ. GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING IN THE SEA, JUST WANTED REVENGE FOR 450 00:46:15,875 --> 00:46:17,510 9/11. OKAY. WOW. 451 00:46:17,510 --> 00:46:25,418 SO -- SO, I GUESS YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU'RE COMPLICATED. I'M SAYING I DIDN'T ASK FOR 452 00:46:25,418 --> 00:46:35,161 ANY OF THIS. I GUESS IT'S JUST A LOT OF PRESSURE BEING SOME KIND OF 453 00:46:35,161 --> 00:46:37,530 HERO. ALSO DID THE OIL SPILL. WHAT WAS THAT? 454 00:46:37,530 --> 00:46:39,632 DID THE BP OIL SPILL. YEAH, RAN UP ON THAT PIPELINE DRUNK AS HELL ONE NIGHT, AND DID 455 00:46:39,632 --> 00:46:45,972 A LITTLE DAMAGE. OH, GOSH, AND ONE MORE THING, JUST BEFORE THERE'S A TWEET 456 00:46:45,972 --> 00:47:01,821 ABOUT THIS. SALMON ARE DYING, AND FISH ARE DYING. 457 00:47:01,821 --> 00:47:08,328 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF. 458 00:47:08,328 --> 00:47:24,110 I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE GOING TO COME OUT HERE TO SING A LITTLE SONG. 459 00:47:24,110 --> 00:47:25,812 DON'T YOU HAVE A LITTLE, LIKE, JAMAICAN CRAB THAT YOU SING WITH? 460 00:47:25,812 --> 00:47:27,847 LISTEN, COLIN, I GOT A LOT OF CRABS, BUT THEY DON'T SING. THEY ARE JAMAICAN THOUGH. 461 00:47:27,847 --> 00:47:29,315 OKAY. JA MAKING MY NUTS ITCH. YOU GOT TO GO. 462 00:47:29,315 --> 00:47:36,856 YOU GOT TO GO. BLACK ARIEL, EVERYONE. JUST CALL ME ARIEL, DAMN. 463 00:47:42,062 --> 00:47:44,931 A NEW RECOMMENDATION URGING THEM TO COUNCIL WOMEN, BETWEEN THE AGES OF 40 AND 60, TO CONSIDER 464 00:47:44,931 --> 00:48:03,483 LOSING WEIGHT. ALSO OPPOSED TO MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN LOSING WEIGHT, ME. 465 00:48:03,483 --> 00:48:06,119 THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING LIT UP BLUE AND WHITE TO CELEBRATE AARON JUDGE HITTING 466 00:48:06,119 --> 00:48:08,722 HIS RECORD 62nd HOME RUN OF THE SEASON, WHILE OVER IN QUEENS, A PORT-A-POTTY WAS SET ON FIRE IN 467 00:48:08,722 --> 00:48:29,409 HONOR OF THE METS BLOWING THE DIVISION. IN A NEW SCOOBY-DOO 468 00:48:29,409 --> 00:48:31,711 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL, THE CHARACTER VELMA IS OPENLY DEPICTED AS A LESBIAN, WHICH EXPLAINS -- YEAH, 469 00:48:31,711 --> 00:48:34,114 FINALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. ALL RIGHT. 470 00:48:34,114 --> 00:48:36,683 THE CHARACTER VELMA WAS OPENLY FINALLY DEPICTED AS A LESBIAN, AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY SCOOBY-DOO 471 00:48:36,683 --> 00:48:39,953 IS NOW A RESCUE PITBULL. WEDNESDAY WAS NATIONAL COFFEE WITH A COP DAY, AND 472 00:48:39,953 --> 00:49:08,782 SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT COPS LIKE THEIR COFFEE BLACK WITH A COUPLE OF SHOTS IN IT. 473 00:49:08,782 --> 00:49:18,391 AND TUESDAY WAS NATIONAL VODKA DAY, AND THIS IS WHY MY DAD CALLED. 474 00:49:18,391 --> 00:49:21,327 HEFTY HAS INTRODUCED PUMPKIN SPICE SCENTED TRASH BAGS. AND I GOT TO SAY, PUMPKIN SPICE 475 00:49:21,327 --> 00:49:24,464 SCENTED TRASH BAGS IS PROBABLY THE BEST SLUR FOR WHITE PEOPLE I'VE EVER HEARD. 476 00:49:33,173 --> 00:49:35,775 WELL, GUYS, THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SEASON WRAPPED UP THIS WEEK. 477 00:49:35,775 --> 00:49:38,044 THE PLAYOFFS ARE NOW UNDERWAY. AND HERE TO GIVE HIS THOUGHTS, IS NEW "SNL" CAST MEMBER, 478 00:49:38,044 --> 00:49:48,822 MARCELLO HERNANDEZ. THANK YOU. NEW YORK. 479 00:49:48,822 --> 00:49:52,492 WHAT'S UP. SO, MARCELLO, ARE YOU A BASEBALL FAN? 480 00:49:52,492 --> 00:49:54,828 WELL, COLIN, MY MOM IS FROM CUBA AND MY DAD IS FROM THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, SO OBVIOUSLY 481 00:49:54,828 --> 00:49:57,764 THEY'RE DIVORCED. BUT IT ALSO MEANS I LOVE BASEBALL. 482 00:49:57,764 --> 00:50:00,400 YOU KNOW. LATINOS DOMINATE BASEBALL, COLIN. 483 00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:03,603 AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT WE'RE NATURALLY BETTER. I'M JUST SAYING WE'RE MORE FUN 484 00:50:03,603 --> 00:50:06,940 TO WATCH. I MEAN, WHO WOULD YOU RATHER WATCH PLAY BASEBALL, TANNER FROM 485 00:50:06,940 --> 00:50:12,979 KENTUCKY, OR A GUY THAT THEY CALL PAPI AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY? THIS GUY GOT SO GOOD AT HIS JOB, 486 00:50:12,979 --> 00:50:20,587 HE GOT EVERYONE TO CALL HIM DAD. ANYBODY HERE CALL YOU DADDY, COLIN? 487 00:50:20,587 --> 00:50:23,223 I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SAY. BUT WHAT ABOUT LIKE AARON JUDGE, RIGHT? 488 00:50:23,223 --> 00:50:30,830 HE JUST HIT THE 62nd HOME RUN, SET THE A.L. RECORD. YEAH, I THINK IT'S 489 00:50:30,830 --> 00:50:33,366 IMPRESSIVE, COLIN, BUT THERE JUST WASN'T ENOUGH EMOTION FOR ME. 490 00:50:33,366 --> 00:50:36,236 HE HITS THE 62nd HOME RUN, PUTS THE BAT DOWN GENTLY, AND THEN IT'S A COUPLE OF HIGH FIVES AND 491 00:50:36,236 --> 00:50:42,409 STRAIGHT TO THE DUGOUT. WHEN A DOMINICAN HITS A HOMERUN, COLIN, HE THROWS THE BAT TO A 492 00:50:42,409 --> 00:50:45,045 DIFFERENT DIMENSION, AND THEN HE GETS TO HOME PLATE, AND HE THANKS EVERYONE HE'S EVER 493 00:50:45,045 --> 00:50:48,214 ENCOUNTERED. HE GETS TO HOME PLATE, HE'S LIKE, "THANK YOU TO MY MOTHER, 494 00:50:48,214 --> 00:50:58,525 AND MY SISTER, AND MY FATHER, AND MY -- EVERYTHING CHANGES WHEN THEY 495 00:50:58,525 --> 00:51:01,895 BRING OUT THE DOMINICAN GUY. THE AMERICAN ANNOUNCER WHO'S BEEN SPEAKING ENGLISH THE WHOLE 496 00:51:01,895 --> 00:51:06,433 GAME GETS AN ACCENT ALL OF THE SUDDEN. NOW, THIS GUY NAMED JEFF IS 497 00:51:06,433 --> 00:51:17,477 LIKE, "AND NOW, COMING TO THE PLATE FROM SANTO DOMINGO, STARLING MARTE. 498 00:51:17,477 --> 00:51:26,453 CUE THE MERENGUE MUSIC. EVEN THE WHITE GUYS IN THE CROWD ARE LIKE -- 499 00:51:26,453 --> 00:51:30,657 PLAYER GETS THERE, HE COMES OUT LIKE WITH A CHAIN OUT OF NOWHERE. 500 00:51:30,657 --> 00:51:36,663 HE TELLS THE PITCHER TO RELAX, AND THEN HE BRINGS JESUS INTO IT. 501 00:51:36,663 --> 00:51:43,903 AND ONCE HE GETS TO BATTING, COLIN, IT IS ALL HIPS. DO YOU FEEL IT, COLIN? 502 00:51:43,903 --> 00:51:50,210 I AM PRETTY SURE I AM FEELING IT. AND BY THE TIME HE IS DONE 503 00:51:50,210 --> 00:51:57,183 BATTING, THE CROWD IS PREGNANT. AND THE POST-GAME INTERVIEWS ARE DIFFERENT, COLIN. 504 00:51:57,183 --> 00:52:00,320 WHITE GUYS ARE SO BORING. THEY ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE GAME. 505 00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:03,490 IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "WE HAD A PLAN, AND WE EXECUTED IT." BUT I BET LATIN GUYS DO IT 506 00:52:03,490 --> 00:52:07,193 DIFFERENT? DON'T DO THAT, COLIN. I DON'T LIKE THAT, BUT YES. 507 00:52:07,193 --> 00:52:10,330 IT'S VERY DIFFERENT. WHEN LATIN GUYS ARE TALKING AFTER A GAME, IF THEY DO GET A 508 00:52:10,330 --> 00:52:14,567 SENTENCE OFF IN ENGLISH, IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE GAME. THE REPORTER IS LIKE, "WHAT WAS 509 00:52:14,567 --> 00:52:19,339 GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD ON THAT 3- 2 SLIDER." AND THEN RAMON IS LIKE, "MAN, I 510 00:52:19,339 --> 00:52:27,313 LOVE MIAMI, MAN. THE WEATHER, THE PEOPLE, THE FOOD IS AMAZING. 511 00:52:27,313 --> 00:52:33,920 AND COLIN, THEY ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH UNTIL THEY LOSE PATIENCE. 512 00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:42,729 AND WELL, FOR THIS SEASON I THINK THAT -- [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] 513 00:52:42,729 --> 00:52:51,805 [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] MARCELLO HERNANDEZ, EVERYBODY. 514 00:53:00,146 --> 00:53:04,351 AT 10, IT'S "BATHING A BEAST: HITLER'S HYGEINE." BUT FIRST, "ANCIENT EMPIRES." 515 00:53:04,351 --> 00:53:09,122 EUROPE, 500 B.C. TWO TRIBES END A CENTURY LONG FEUD AND FORGE AN ALLIANCE TO 516 00:53:09,122 --> 00:53:16,162 PROTECT THEIR LANDS FROM INVASION. FOR YEARS, THE VUUDI AND THE 517 00:53:16,162 --> 00:53:25,839 THRATIAN TRIBES HAVE BEEN AT WAR. BUT NOW WE MUST PUT ASIDE OUR 518 00:53:25,839 --> 00:53:36,816 DIFFERENCES AND FACE A COMMON ENEMY, THE GOLFEN HORDE. IT PAINS ME, BUT YOU ARE RIGHT. 519 00:53:36,816 --> 00:53:41,154 SO WE WILL FIGHT SIDE BY SIDE. WE SHALL. 520 00:53:41,154 --> 00:53:49,329 SO LET US SEAL THIS ALLIANCE IN A BLOOD OATH AS MY PEOPLE HAVE DONE FOR 1,000 YEARS. 521 00:53:49,329 --> 00:53:58,505 TO VICTORY! VICTORY! OH, THAT IS A SHARP KNIFE. 522 00:53:58,505 --> 00:54:06,246 MAY THE GODS SMILE ON THIS UNION AND BRING OUR PEOPLE STRENGTH. 523 00:54:06,246 --> 00:54:15,321 I CUT MYSELF GOOD THERE. WHAT NEWS FROM OUR SCOUTS? THE GOLFENS WILL BE IN OUR 524 00:54:15,321 --> 00:54:22,962 BORDER IN TWO MOONS' TIME. THEN WE MUST ACT WITH HASTE. GENERAL, HOW MANY MEN IN YOUR 525 00:54:22,962 --> 00:54:28,134 RANKS. THOUSANDS AND I AM STILL BLEEDING FROM THAT BLOOD OATH. 526 00:54:28,134 --> 00:54:33,073 IS YOUR PALM STILL BLEEDING? NO, THE BLOOD OATH REQUIRES BUT A SCRATCH. 527 00:54:33,073 --> 00:54:36,076 OKAY. SO YOU WENT SUPER LIGHT? AH. 528 00:54:36,076 --> 00:54:42,749 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND MY TRIBE DOESN'T DO BLOOD OATHS, AND SO I BASICALLY CUT INTO MY HAND LIKE 529 00:54:42,749 --> 00:54:47,754 I WAS CUTTING INTO STEAK. OH, THAT WAS UNWISE OF YOU. I KNOW. 530 00:54:47,754 --> 00:54:51,858 LIKE I SAID, I HAVE NEVER DONE A BLOOD OATH BEFORE, BUT IT IS FINE. 531 00:54:51,858 --> 00:55:06,439 I WILL DEAL WITH IT. OKAY, SO YOUR CUT WILL NOT BE THE FOCUS ANYMORE? 532 00:55:06,439 --> 00:55:09,609 WE'RE FINISHED WITH YOUR CUT? FIRST, I DON'T LOVE THE ATTITUDE. 533 00:55:09,609 --> 00:55:12,779 AND SECOND, IT'S NOT A CUT, IT'S A GASH. BUT I'M DONE WITH IT. 534 00:55:12,779 --> 00:55:16,483 IF I MAY. GOLFEN HORDE WILL SURELY CROSS THE RIVER HERE. 535 00:55:16,483 --> 00:55:20,186 THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE OUR STANCE. I CAN DEPLOY MY ARCHERS ALONG 536 00:55:20,186 --> 00:55:30,063 THIS RIDGE. AND MY HORSEMEN SHALL STRIKE HERE ALONG THIS RIDGE. 537 00:55:30,063 --> 00:55:35,301 OH, MY GOD! [ SCREAMING ] WHAT THE HELL, DUDE? 538 00:55:35,301 --> 00:55:38,438 I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO DO THAT. OH, MY MAP! 539 00:55:38,438 --> 00:55:41,608 LOOK AT THE STATE OF MY MAP. GO, COVER IT. I'M SORRY. 540 00:55:41,608 --> 00:55:46,379 I'M SORRY. IT LIKE SPURTS WHEN I DO THIS THING WITH MY FINGER. 541 00:55:46,379 --> 00:55:53,186 LIKE I SAID, I'M SORRY. CLOSE YOUR HAND! CLOSE YOUR HAND, MAN! 542 00:55:53,186 --> 00:55:56,356 I WILL. BUT I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU WHAT'S GOING ON WITH IT. 543 00:55:56,356 --> 00:55:58,992 WELL, WE'RE AWARE, SO CLOSE YOUR HAND. LOOK AT MY MAP, MAN, MY MAP. 544 00:55:58,992 --> 00:56:10,603 I ALREADY SAID I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR MAP. HOW BAD DID YOU CUT YOURSELF, 545 00:56:10,603 --> 00:56:13,173 MAN? I DON'T KNOW. I'M AFRAID TO LOOK. 546 00:56:13,173 --> 00:56:20,780 WELL, I SAW A LIGAMENT. LIGAMENTS OUT. WHY WOULD YOU SLICE YOUR HAND SO 547 00:56:20,780 --> 00:56:29,089 DEEP? I TOLD YOU THAT WE DON'T DO BLOOD OATHS IN MY TRIBE. 548 00:56:29,089 --> 00:56:36,096 WE DROWN A DOVE AND THEN WE THROW IT IN A FIRE. OKAY. 549 00:56:36,096 --> 00:56:39,265 RANDOM. I'M SORRY. I RUINED THE WHOLE MEETING. 550 00:56:39,265 --> 00:56:43,603 MAP GUY HATES ME. THE GIRL THINKS I'M A LOSER. IT'S JUST SUCH A FLOP, GUYS. 551 00:56:43,603 --> 00:56:47,674 OH, PERFECT. SURELY, WE WILL LOSE NOW. THIS MAN CAN'T POSSIBLY FIGHT. 552 00:56:47,674 --> 00:56:54,547 YOU SILENCE YOUR WICKED TONGUE. I HAVE PLENTY OF FIGHT IN ME, 553 00:56:54,547 --> 00:56:59,819 AND I HAVE A BADGE. AS WE CAN ALL SEE, NIGHT HAS FALLEN. 554 00:56:59,819 --> 00:57:05,592 AND IT HAS GROWN EXTREMELY DARK IN THIS ROOM. NO, IT HASN'T. 555 00:57:05,592 --> 00:57:14,601 IT'S THE BLOOD LOSS, MAN, THE BLOOD LOSS. GOLFEN BATTLE HORNS. 556 00:57:14,601 --> 00:57:20,874 THE HOUR HAS COME. WE MUST RIDE AT ONCE, TO VICTORY. 557 00:57:20,874 --> 00:57:29,115 VICTORY. TO VICTORY! TO VICTORY! 558 00:57:51,438 --> 00:57:54,207 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * THE LEAST YOU COULD DO 559 00:57:54,207 --> 00:57:59,379 IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO * * I KNOW THE LEAST 560 00:57:59,379 --> 00:58:03,583 YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO * 561 00:58:03,583 --> 00:58:09,923 * SHE USED TO BE MINE NOW SHE'S YOURS AND THAT'S FINE * 562 00:58:09,923 --> 00:58:13,626 * GUESS I RAN OUT OF TIME TO PLEASE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ANGRY 563 00:58:13,626 --> 00:58:19,432 YOU'RE SO SHADY * * I GAVE YOU YOUR LADY SUCH A SHAME YOU'D FORGET 564 00:58:19,432 --> 00:58:28,375 ME ME ME ME * * ME ME 565 00:58:28,375 --> 00:58:44,691 ME ME * ** * THE LEAST YOU COULD DO 566 00:58:44,691 --> 00:58:51,064 IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO * * I KNOW THE LEAST 567 00:58:51,064 --> 00:59:01,007 YOU COULD DO IS FIND SOMEONE ELSE THE LEAST YOU COULD DO * 568 00:59:01,007 --> 00:59:06,279 * I CAN'T SEE YOU I DON'T NEED TO YOU THINK YOU'RE 569 00:59:06,279 --> 00:59:11,551 SO GOOD TOGETHER * * OH MY GOD YEAH ME TOO 570 00:59:11,551 --> 00:59:24,197 YOU'RE A STRANGER * * WHEN I SEE YOU I DON'T SPEAK 571 00:59:24,197 --> 01:00:05,038 SEE YOU I CAN'T BREATHE ** ** 572 01:00:10,477 --> 01:00:20,954 ALL RIGHT GUYS, DENVER IS COUNTING ON US TO COME UP WITH NEW SLOGANS FOR THE CITY. 573 01:00:20,954 --> 01:00:23,790 HOW ABOUT DENVER, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT. THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S REALLY 574 01:00:23,790 --> 01:00:26,192 GOOD. I WAS THINKING DENVER, GATEWAY TO THE ROCKIES. 575 01:00:26,192 --> 01:00:30,630 ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'RE TALKING. WHO EVEN CARES. JANINE, YOU HAVE HAD A BAD 576 01:00:30,630 --> 01:00:35,168 ATTITUDE ALL MORNING. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? NOTHING, NOTHING, IT'S JUST 577 01:00:35,168 --> 01:00:41,207 THAT NOBODY NOTICED. NOTICED WHAT? NOBODY NOTICED I GOT MY EYES 578 01:00:41,207 --> 01:00:52,052 REPLACED. OH, YES, JANINE, WE DEFINITELY NOTICED. 579 01:00:52,052 --> 01:00:56,790 WE HAD AN EMERGENCY MEETING ABOUT IT THE SECOND YOU WALKED IN THE DOOR. 580 01:00:56,790 --> 01:00:59,626 ULTIMATELY, WE DECIDED THAT LEGALLY, IT WOULDN'T BE SAFEST IF WE JUST DIDN'T PRETEND WE SAW 581 01:00:59,626 --> 01:01:09,936 IT. EXCEPT YOU BROUGHT IT UP. WHY DID YOU DO THIS, JANINE? 582 01:01:09,936 --> 01:01:15,742 THIS IS RIDICULOUS. NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW LOUANN GOT A HUGE FAKE RACK. 583 01:01:15,742 --> 01:01:19,446 I LITERALLY DIDN'T. OH, MY GOD, GOOD FOR YOU. JANINE, JANINE, I CAN'T HELP 584 01:01:19,446 --> 01:01:23,116 BUT FEELING THAT YOU MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE. OH, MY GOD, NO, IT IS TOTALLY 585 01:01:23,116 --> 01:01:25,752 REVERSIBLE. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS KEEP MY OLD EYES REFRIGERATED. 586 01:01:25,752 --> 01:01:34,227 OH, MY GOD, NO. OH, MY GOD, I FORGOT TO KEEP MY OLD EYES REFRIGERATED. 587 01:01:34,227 --> 01:01:38,932 OH, MY GOD. THEY ARE IN MY POCKET. OH, MY GOD, THEY ARE STILL GOOD, 588 01:01:38,932 --> 01:01:48,141 RIGHT? CAN YOU SMELL THEM AND TELL ME THEY ARE STILL GOOD, RIGHT? 589 01:01:48,141 --> 01:01:57,017 ARE YOU SMELLING THEM? I CAN'T SEE YOUR GUYS' REACTION AND TELL ME? 590 01:01:57,017 --> 01:02:04,290 WHAT IS YOUR FACIAL REACTIONS? WAIT, YOUR EYES ARE WORSE NOW? 591 01:02:04,290 --> 01:02:07,460 YES, 100%. THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT? TO IMPROVE MY APPEARANCE. 592 01:02:07,460 --> 01:02:10,096 BUT IT LOOKS WORSE. OH, MY GOD, NO. HEY, EVERYBODY, SORRY I AM 593 01:02:10,096 --> 01:02:21,441 LATE. HEY, CHARLES, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW EYEBALLS? 594 01:02:21,441 --> 01:02:24,644 AND I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO CHURCH. HEY, GUYS, SERIOUSLY, CAN WE 595 01:02:24,644 --> 01:02:27,781 FOCUS UP AND JUST GET BACK TO BUSINESS, OKAY. OKAY. 596 01:02:27,781 --> 01:02:32,085 HOW ABOUT THIS, DENVER, CITY OF ANGELS. THAT IS LOS ANGELES. 597 01:02:32,085 --> 01:02:34,621 OH, MY GOD, NO. ARE YOU SERIOUS? YES, THAT IS FAMOUSLY 598 01:02:34,621 --> 01:02:42,862 LOS ANGELES. NO, DON'T BE MEAN TO ME, I CAN'T CRY. 599 01:02:42,862 --> 01:02:47,901 BECAUSE THE TEARS GO BACK INSIDE OF MY HEAD AND THE BRAIN WILL DROWN. 600 01:02:47,901 --> 01:02:54,908 YOUR BRAIN WILL DROWN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU PEOPLE 601 01:02:54,908 --> 01:03:01,481 SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. TODAY, YOU PUT A WOMAN'S BODY ON TRIAL. 602 01:03:01,481 --> 01:03:18,064 YOU BROUGHT IT UP. WHEN I CAME IN THIS MORNING WITH A LOT OF GREAT PITCHES LIKE 603 01:03:18,064 --> 01:03:22,769 DENVER, CITY OF ANGELS. DENVER, KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD. YOU KNOW WE CAN'T DO THAT. 604 01:03:22,769 --> 01:03:28,575 I QUIT. AND I'M LEAVING NOT IN DISGRACE, BUT WITH DIGNITY, ELEGANCE AND 605 01:03:28,575 --> 01:03:36,416 CLASS, AND I'M TAKING WITH ME, MY PORTFOLIO. OKAY. 606 01:03:36,416 --> 01:03:40,820 THAT IS COFFEE CAKE. AND OF COURSE, I WILL BE TAKING MY JACKET. 607 01:03:40,820 --> 01:03:49,896 AND WITH THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I BID YOU ALL ADO. OH, ELLEN, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT 608 01:03:49,896 --> 01:03:57,103 YOU WERE IN HERE. YOU LOOK AMAZING. YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT IS TO PAY 609 01:03:57,103 --> 01:04:02,609 A COMPLIMENT TO A FRIEND. JANINE, THAT IS NOT A HUMAN BEING. 610 01:04:02,609 --> 01:04:09,716 IT IS A WATER COOLER. I WILL LEAVE YOU ALL WITH THIS, LIFE COMES AT YOU PRETTY 611 01:04:09,716 --> 01:04:16,690 FAST, AND IF YOU BLINK, YOU MIGHT JUST MISS IT. MEANWHILE, I'M NOT GOING TO MISS 612 01:04:16,690 --> 01:04:26,399 A THING. [ APPLAUSE ] SO, DENVER, IF YOU BLINK 613 01:04:26,399 --> 01:04:34,774 YOU'LL MISS IT. I LOVE THAT. THAT SOUNDS REALLY GOOD. 614 01:04:42,515 --> 01:05:07,073 THANKS TO WILLOW, COLIN FARRELL, ALL OF THE CAST AND LORNE MICHAELS, AND ELI AND 615 01:05:07,073 --> 01:05:16,049 THE BAND, AND FOR ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS WEEK ONE OF THE MOST SPECIAL WEEKS AND ALL 616 01:05:16,049 --> 01:05:22,455 OF THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THIS A BEAUTIFUL WEEK AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE COME ACROSS IN NEW 617 01:05:22,455 --> 01:05:34,534 YORK AND A VERY SPECIAL AUDIENCE. THANK YOU. 618 01:05:34,534 --> 01:05:42,676 AUDIENCE. THANK YOU. **