[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE TO LET THE COMMITTEE COME TO ORDER FOR ITS NINTH AND FINAL HEARING.
THE JANUARY 6th WAS ONE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC AND CONSEQUENTIAL MOMENTS IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY.
SO TO FIGHT BACK, WE ASSEMBLED A TEAM OF MONOTONE NERDS TO DO A POWERPOINT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DID MINE WITH GOOGLE FLY. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE'VE BEEN INVESTIGATING THIS HORRIBLE ATTACK FOR MORE THAN A YEAR, BUT TODAY'S SESSION IS
GOING TO BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT. WE'RE GOING TO SUMMARIZE OUR FINDINGS, HOLD A HISTORY-MAKING
VOTE, AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN -- WE ALL GET TO HAVE A LITTLE TREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AW, COME ON, CAN'T I HAVE ONE CUPCAKE NOW?
NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S EVIDENCE, THEN A VOTE, THEN A LITTLE TREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, I WOULD FIRST LIKE TO RECOGNIZE THE GENTLE LADY FROM
WYOMING WHO I AM SHOCKED TO SAY HAS BECOME MY BEST FRIEND. LIZ CHENEY.
THANK YOU, BENNIE. [ LAUGHTER ] OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS, THIS
BIPARTISAN COMMITTEE HAS PRESENTED OUR CASE TO ALL AMERICANS.
WHETHER YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN WHO'S NOT WATCHING, OR A DEMOCRAT WHO'S NODDING SO HARD
YOUR HEAD IS FALLING OFF -- [ LAUGHTER ] ONE PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR
THIS INSURRECTION, DONALD TRUMP. AND ONE PERSON WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES, ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHAT MAKES ME SO TOUGH.
AND I ASK YOU, WHO IS YOUR DAD? [ LAUGHTER ] IS IT DICK CHENEY?
YOU MIGHT WONDER, WHEN YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO TAKE ON YOUR ENTIRE PARTY ALONE.
I SAY, WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHO TUCKED YOU IN AT NIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ]
WAS IT DICK CHENEY? I'VE BEEN ASKED, HOW DID YOU GET A BACKBONE MADE OF STEEL?
AND I AND BACK, FOR YOUR 10th BIRTHDAY, DID YOU EAT PIZZA AT CHUCK E. CHEESE WITH ALL YOUR
FRIENDS? OR DID YOU SHOOT A DEER IN THE FACE WITH DICK CHENEY?
[ LAUGHTER ] SO YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I HAVE BIG DICK CHENEY ENERGY.
[ LAUGHTER ] WELL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLE LADY
FROM WYOMING. THE CHAIR NOW RECOGNIZES THE GENTLEMAN FROM CALIFORNIA, AND
MAYBE THE HORROR MOVIE SMILE? ACTUALLY, NO, NO, NO, WE GONNA SKIP HIM.
TOO SPOOKY. ALL RIGHT. THE CHAIR INSTEAD RECOGNIZES THE
GENTLEMAN FROM MARYLAND. THANK YOU, MR. CHAIRMAN. LEADING UP TO JANUARY 6th, THE
FBI SCOURED THROUGH ALT-RIGHT MESSAGE BOARDS AND FOUND DISTURBING COMMENTS LIKE, WHO
WANTS TO BURN D.C. TO THE GROUND? ANYONE GOT ROOM IN THEIR CAR FOR
ME, 10 RIFLES AND 30 SNAKES? WHERE DO WE PARK? IS THERE A SHUTTLE FROM LA
QUINTA? AM I AT WRONG WASHINGTON? I SEE SPACE NEEDLE.
YET AGAIN, PRESIDENT TRUMP DIDN'T RAISE A FINGER. AND WHILE THESE HOOLIGANS WERE
RANSACKING OUR BELOVED CAPITOL, REAL LEADERS LIKE NANCY PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER WERE BUNKERED
IN A SENATE HIDE-AWAY TRYING TO SAVE THE COUNTRY. YES, HELLO, MR. VICE
PRESIDENT. IT'S SPEAKER PELOSI. WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE?
CAN WE GET BACK TO THE CAPITOL AND RESUME THE VOTE IN HELLO, DOORDASH?
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S CHUCK SCHUMER! YES, WE STILL HAVEN'T RECEIVED
ANY OF OUR LUNCH ORDERS! THE DROP-OFF LOCATION, DUE TO SOME UNFORTUNATE TREASON, BUT IT
SHOULD HAVE ARRIVED BY NOW. THE PRESIDENT IS DOING NOTHING, THIS IS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE. MY ORDER? DILL PICKLES STILL FLOATING IN
THE JUICE AND A PASTRAMI SANDWICH WITH VERY LIGHT MUSTARD, DO YOU HEAR ME?
I'M IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH 30 PEOPLE. IF I GET AN UPSET STOMACH, ALL
HELL IS GOING TO BREAK LOOSE. [ LAUGHTER ] AND IT CONTINUES FOR HOURS
FROM THERE. WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RASKIN. THE CHAIR NOW RECOGNIZES THE
TENDERONI FROM ILLINOIS. THANK YOU, MR. CHAIR. I TOOK A CUPCAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, DONALD TRUMP KNEW HE HAD LOST THE ELECTION.
EVERYONE AROUND HIM KNEW. HE ASKED WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL PAT CIPOLLONE, DID I LOSE THE
ELECTION? AND PAT SAID, YES. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE THEN ASKED IVANKA. DID I REALLY LOSE THE ELECTION? SHE SAID, YES.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE THEN TRIED A JANITOR. HEY, YOU DON'T THINK I LOST, DO
YOU? THE JANITOR RESPONDED, I DO. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEN THE PRESIDENT TURNED TO A DOG AND SAID, WHAT ABOUT YOU? DID I WIN?
AND THE DOG LEGIT SHOOK ITS HEAD SIDE TO SIDE THEN BARKED A PERFECT HUMAN "NO."
[ LAUGHTER ] DONALD WAS DESPERATE TO HANG ON TO POWER.
MEANWHILE, REAL HEROES LIKE NANCY PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER WERE THE ONES ACTUALLY RUNNING
THIS COUNTRY. MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, SPEAKER PELOSI AGAIN,
TELL THEM I'M HERE TOO. MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WHERE IS PRESIDENT TRUMP?
WHAT IS HE DOING TO STOP THIS? HI, MIKE, IT'S CHUCK SCHUMER, I'M HERE AS WELL!
LET ME TELL YOU, IF TRUMP COMES HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE.
THEN I'LL BE HAPPY. LET ME TELL YOU, IF TRUMP COMES, I'M GOING TO LET HIM
PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL, FREE SOUP. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOT SURE IF SCHUMER NEEDS TO BE IN ALL THESE CLIPS. MISS CHENEY, ANY FINAL THOUGHTS?
THE FACT IS TRUMP PLANNED TO DECLARE VICTORY NO MATTER THE RESULTS.
LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF THE PRESIDENT THE DAY BEFORE THE ELECTION.
THE VOTES DON'T MATTER, I'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT THE VOTES DON'T MATTER AT ALL.
WHAT EVEN IS A VOTE? IT'S A PIECE OF PAPER YOU FOLD UP, PUT IT IN A HAT, A GUY
SHAKES IT AROUND. [ LAUGHTER ] HE HAD A GREAT HAT, IT WAS VERY
TALL, HE BORROWED IT FROM APOLLO CREED WHO IS A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, WE TALK ON THE PHONE
EVERY DAY, OUR WIVES ARE FRIENDS. HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE DIED IN
THAT RING. HE GETS WHACKED IN THE HEAD, AND BOOM, WHERE'S THE OBAMACARE?
[ LAUGHTER ] NO, WE DON'T VOTE, WE DON'T VOTE.
IT'S OPEN! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IS MIKE PENCE DEAD YET?
ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'VE SEEN QUITE ENOUGH. LET US NOW TAKE A VOTE, SHOULD
WE SUBPOENA PRESIDENT TRUMP AND FORCE HIM TO TESTIFY BEFORE THIS COMMITTEE?
YES, WE MUST. AND THIS VOTE IS NOT JUST AN EMPTY GESTURE.
HE WILL TESTIFY. THAT'S RIGHT. HE WILL GET ON A PLANE AND LEAVE
FLORIDA, WHERE HE IS BELOVED, AND HE WILL FLY TO WASHINGTON WHERE HE IS HATED, AND HE WILL
ANSWER MY QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS LIKE, HEY! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,
MISTER! TRUMP IS 100% COMING AND THIS TIME HE WILL BE HELD
ACCOUNTABLE. SURE, HE GOT AWAY WITH A LOT OF STUFF IN THE '70s, THE '80s, THE
'90s, THE EARLY 2000s, THE 2010s, AND THE EARLY 2020S. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT ENDS NOW! WITH US. BECAUSE I'M -- MR. KINZINGER.
AND HE WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY. ALL RIGHT, WELL, I CAN
ALREADY SEE THIS IS A COMPLETE ZERO. I WANT TO THANK MY COLLEAGUES
FOR THROWING AWAY THEIR SUMMERS, AND IN SOME CASES THEIR CAREERS, TO SERVE ON THIS COMMITTEE.
HEY NO PROBLEM. MY CALENDAR WAS EMPTY. I DO HAVE A COUPLE OF
REGRETS. [ LAUGHTER ] AMERICA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
MORE WE COULD POSSIBLY SHOW YOU EXCEPT MAYBE THIS CLIP OF NANCY PELOSI SAYING POO-POO.
THERE'S POO-POO. THERE'S POO HAVE POO ON THE WALLS OF THE CAPITOL.
OH MY GOD, WHILE I'M EATING? THEY ARE SMEARING THE WALLS WITH THEIR POO-POO.
I TOLD YOU THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WITH TOO MUCH MUSTARD. ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] WE TRIED. IT WAS A FUN COUNTRY WHILE IT
LASTED. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
MUSICAL GUEST, MEGAN THEE STALLION.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MEGAN THEE STALLION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
I CAN'T TELL YOU ALL HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE HERE! [ CHEERS ]
MOST OF Y'ALL KNOW ME AS MEGAN BUT IF YOU KNOW ME, THEN YOU KNOW I GO BY MORE THAN ONE NAME.
LET'S SEE, WE GOT FAMOUS NO. THE HOT GIRL COACH. THE A-SELL HOTTIE.
IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY MANY, MANY HATERS, I'M PROBABLY, UGH, THAT BITCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT THAT'S OKAY. BECAUSE EVEN MY HATERS AREN'T
ENTIRELY WRONG BECAUSE I AM SIMPLY THEE BITRH. THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN ME TWERK,
FLAT-OUT BEING ONE OF THE HOTTEST EMCEES IN THE GAME RIGHT NOW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN MEETS THE EYE.
FOR EXAMPLE, I'M A REALLY GOOD ACTRESS. I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN
HORN, BUT I THINK I DO A PRETTY GOOD BRITISH ACCENT. ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT.
"PUT ME IN BRITAIN, BITCH." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THOMAS FROM TEXAS L.A.
UNIVERSITY. IT'S NOT EASY AND I DID THAT WHILE GOING ON A WORLD TOUR.
[ CHEERS ] SO NOW I CAN GO BY ANOTHER NAME. MEGAN THE BITCH THAT NEEDS SOME
SWEETS. I GOT MY DEGREE IN HEALTH ADMINISTRATION BECAUSE I HAVE
ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP THE PEOPLE IN MY COMMUNITY. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS IMPORTANT
TO HAVE A SHARP MIND AND A SHARP BODY YADA YADA YADA. MY WE CAN SITE PROVIDES ACCESS
TO RESOURCES FOR THOSE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL HEALTH. BAD BITCHES HAVE BAD DAYS TOO,
HUH? THAT'S A REAL WEBSITE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DOMAIN
WASN'T ALREADY TAKEN. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED, HOTGIRLBUMMER BUT SOMEBODY STOLE
IT. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS, THERE'S
SOMETHING I'VE BEEN REALLY WANTING TO SAY. I'VE HAD SOME WINS AND I'VE HAD
SOME LOSSES AND I ALWAYS GET MORE WINS. BUT I DO PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING
AN OPEN BOOK. SO WITH THAT BEING SAID, I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS A CERTAIN
INCIDENT THAT I'M SURE IS ON EVERYBODY'S MIND. NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TOOK
THE HOT SAUCE OFF THE MENU. TAKE THAT UP WITH THE POPEYE'S LADY, NOT ME, OKAY?
SERIOUSLY, I DO WANT TO THANK MY FANS, AKA THE HOTTIES. Y'ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
**
THIS FALL, A NEW MELODRAMA
FOR OUR TIMES. IT'S "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL." MA'AM, I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU'RE
IN GOOD HANDS. WHAT'S HER STATUS? 46.
FEMALE. MAD AS HELL. OH MY GOD, AND THE FIT?
TRASH. I NEED A BBL STAT. 50 CCS AND WHATEVER FASHION
MOGUL WE GOT. WHAT'S A BBL? JUST LET MY BABY DIE.
NO, MA'AM. YOU GONNA BE A BAD BITCH REAL SOON.
FROM SHONDA RHIMES IT'S "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL." THE STORY OF THREE EVERYDAY
HEROES BLOWING UP THEIR COMMUNITY ONE DUSTY CHICK AT A TIME.
OH, GIRL. I GOT TO WORK A DOUBLE TONIGHT. GIRL, I KNOW.
I GOT A WEE BOW CHAT FOLLOWED BY A EMERGENCY EVENT. WHO DAT?
BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT -- I DON'T WANT TO HIGH!
UH-UH. HE'S PLEADING. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
WHO LET YOU IN? NO, NO. WHEN LIFE IS ON THE LINE,
THESE ARE THE THREE WOMEN WHO WILL ANSWER THE CALL, SAY SOMETHING RUDE, THEN HANG UP.
HEY, I'M CHARLIE. NEW YORK PRESIDENT BIDEN CARDIOLOGIST.
OKAY. BUT WE DON'T DO THAT HERE. WE DO WIGS, CLOTHES.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE, YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO LOOK AROUND.
OKAY, SO WHAT KIND OF HOSPITAL IS THIS, THEN? DRAYMOND GREEN GOT IN TROUBLE
FOR PUNCHING HIS TEAMMATE, RIGHT? THE NBA MADE HIM DO COMMUNITY
SERVICE. SO BASICALLY, HE FLEW OUT A BUNCH OF IG BADDIES, FILLED A
BUILDING WITH WHEELCHAIRS AND CALLED IT A HOSPITAL. THANK YOU, DRAYMOND!
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" CALLS IT, SOMEHOW EMPOWERING AND REGRESSIVE AT THE SAME TIME.
AND "VARIETY" SAYS, I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE REVIEWING THIS AS A WHITE GUY.
I NEED TO SPEAK TO DR. SIMMONS, IT'S AN EMERGENCY! I AIN'T TALKING TO NO DR.
SIMMONS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE FAKE. WHAT?
CAN I JUST SEE A DOCTOR, PLEASE? YOU CAN SEE HER. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GET HER.
NURSE, WHERE'S JANELLE? HUH? SHE FAKE.
SHE GOT TO THINK SHE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY. UH-HUH.
CAN YOU JUST PAGE HER, PLEASE? IMAGINE.
IMAGINE ME SAYING "PAGING DR. SIMMONS." ALL OF THE DRAMA, NONE OF THE
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE. BECAUSE OF THE "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL," HELP AIN'T ON THE
WAY. CALL MY WIFE! AAH!
OH NO. HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
DeJUAN, IS THAT YOU, DeJUAN? HOLD UP. DeJUAN, WHO BE ON OUR DMs EVERY
DAY? OH, SNAP, WHAT'S UP? DO YOU KNOW THEM?
I NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE. YOU THINK YOU SLICK.
UH-UH. COMING HERE WITH YOUR WIFE, HER WATER BROKE.
BOY, GET YOUR LAME ASS WRONG. GOOD LUCK TO THAT BABY. AND ON A VERY SPECIAL SEASON
FINALE -- ** WHERE'S MY WIFE?
IS SHE OKAY? OH HO HO! SHE MORE THAN OKAY BABY, SHE
BAD. COME ON OUT, GIRL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU. YES! UH-HUH!
YOU WORK IT, BITCH! "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL" COMING
THIS HOT GIRL FALL. THANK YOU, DRAYMOND! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TAG ALONG * * SHE'S GOING TO SEE SOME PALS SHE HASN'T SEEN IN SO LONG *
* IT'S MY BOYFRIEND'S FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY AND I WAS FREE * * WILL I KNOW PEOPLE THERE HE
SAID YOU'LL KNOW ME * * I SAID I DON'T LOVE STRANGERS BUT I DO LIKE TO DRINK *
* EVERYBODY THIS IS PHIL HEY I'M FRIENDS WITH ALEXIS * * THIS IS MY SISTER I FLEW IN
FROM TEXAS * * I FINALLY BROUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND THAT'S ME I'M
HEATHER * * WHERE DID YOU FEET WE ALL GREW UP TOGETHER *
* THEY LEAVE US AT THE TABLE AND THEY GO TO A SHOP THEY ASK US SAVE OUR SEATS *
* WE SAY SURE WHY NOT * * NOW WE'RE THREE STRANGERS THAT ARE FRIENDS *
* OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH * * WE GOT CAUGHT AND WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER *
* WE GOT CAUGHT SO WE ALL HAVE TO SUFFER * * WE ALL WANT TO LEAVE BUT IT'S
ONLY 8:00 * * WE GOT CAUGHT * * WE'RE TRYING TO PUSH THROUGH I
ASK WHERE ARE Y'ALL FROM * * AND I COULDN'T THINK OF A SINGLE OTHER QUESTION *
* SO I ALSO ASKED WHERE ARE Y'ALL FROM * * WE COVERED THAT.
ANYBODY HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION? OKAY, SO WHAT'S Y'ALL'S
TRAUMA? * I MADE MY ESCAPE AND SAY I'M GOING TO THE BEDROOM *
* AND THIS CRANKY BITCH SAYS I'LL GO WITH YOU * NO, YOU WON'T.
IS SHE LEAVING? * WE'RE WAITING AT THE BAR BUT NO ONE'S COMING BY *
* AND IF THERE'S ONE SECOND OF SILENCE THEN WE'LL BOTH DIE * *
* I REACH INTO THE DEPTHS OF WHAT I KNOW AND I SAY, DID YOU
KNOW THERE'S ONLY BEEN 25 DEATHS AT DISNEYLAND SINCE 1955 * * AND SHE SAID ONLY?
* * WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD IS YOUR APARTMENT IN, SHE SAYS BROOKLYN,
I SAY WHEREABOUTS THIS BROOKLYN * * AND SHE SAYS OH THE SAFE PART
WHICH WAS SHOCKING SO I PANICKED AND ALL I COULD SAY WAS * OH, GOOD.
I LOVE SAFE PARKS. NO, I SAID THE SOUTH PART. NO!
* WE GOT CAUGHT * * YOUR MUTUAL WAS GONE YOUR MUTUAL WAS MISSING *
* YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOUR FRIENDS ARE REMINISCING * * WHERE ARE OUR FRIENDS WHERE
HAVE THEY GONE WHY WOULD THEY LEAVE US ALONE * * YOU'RE ALL OUT OF TOPICS AND
THE CONVERSATION'S LAZY * * YOU JUST KEEP ON SAYING THEY'RE CRAZY THEY'RE CRAZY *
* THEY'RE CRAZY NO WAY THEY'RE CRAZY OH CRAZY * THAT'S CRAZY.
SO CRAZY. NICE TO MEET YOU, IT'S GETTING LATE.
8:05? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!
* WE GOT CAUGHT ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOODNESS. I CAN'T BELIEVE MY DAUGHTER LIVES IN THIS BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
IT REALLY IS SO COZY. THANKS, EVERYBODY. I KNOW IT'S REMOTE BUT WE LOVE
IT. THE SCHOOLS ARE GREAT IF WE DECIDE TO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY.
ONE DAY? YOU NEED THEM NOW. DAD, STOP.
I WILL NOT STOP. I WILL NEVER STOP ON THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
WILL YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW? THERE'S A DEER IN YOUR WOODS. OH, REALLY, A DEER?
WHERE IS IT? RIGHT THERE BY THAT PINE TREE.
OH, CUTE. WHERE IS IT? I DON'T SEE IT.
IT'S RIGHT BY THE PINE TREE, DAD, LOOK. AWW!
HE A BIG ONE. OR IS IT A GIRL?
BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE ONE? WHERE IS IT Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT?
BY THE PINE TREE, MR. REYNOLDS. I KNOW WHAT IT'S BY, WHERE IS
IT AT? IT'S RIGHT THERE, DAD. I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR A
DEER. NOW I GOT TO FIND A ROCK? THERE'S TWO BIG ROUND ROCKS,
MR. REYNOLDS. OKAY. DON'T YELL AT ME.
JUST SHOW ME WHERE THE DEER IS. DAD. DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M POINTING?
YES. A ROCK. DAD.
BRING YOUR EYES BY MY HANDS AND FOLLOW THE ART OF THE POINT. YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND.
I DON'T NEED TO SEE IT. DAD. JUST FOLLOW THE ARC OF MY POINT
WITH YOUR EYES TO THE DEER. I SAID IT'S OKAY, I DON'T REALLY CARE.
BUT IT'S RIGHT THERE. JUST MAKE YOUR EYES GO IN MINE WITH THE ANGLE OF MY POINT.
FORGET, I I DON'T NEED TO SEE NO DEER! THERE'S A BLOODY RABBIT
RIDING ON THE BACK OF THE DEER! WHAT? WHERE'S THAT HAPPENING NOW?
[ LAUGHTER ] OH, AND THE BUNNY HAS A TAIL. IF I WANTED TO SEE THAT,
WHERE EXACTLY I WOULD LOOK? IT'S WALKING STRAIGHT TOWARDS US, SEE?
DAD, IMAGINE A LASER COMING FROM MY FINGERS. WHAT?
DO YOU SEE THE THIRD CLOUD ON THE SIDE OF THE SKY? THE SIDE OF THE SKY?
RIGHT THERE AT 12:00. EAST COAST OR WEST COAST TIME?
LOOK, THE DEER'S RIGHT THERE, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. BUT I DON'T, AND I DON'T WANT
TO. SHOOT, I THINK Y'ALL ARE MAKING THIS UP.
ALL RIGHT, DADDY, IT'S OKAY. LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT GREAT OF
A DEER. OH MY GOD, IS THAT THE ONE ON MR. REYNOLDS'S WALK?
I WILL NOT. I HAVE LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE DEER.
IT'S RIGHT THERE WAVING AT US! [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S DOING THE MACARENA. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST
TURN AROUND AND YOU'LL SEE IT! OKAY. FINE.
BUT IT BETTER BE THERE. OH! OH!
I'M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE HOUSE DOWN. IT WAS RIGHT THERE, IT JUST
JUMPED DOWN. Y'ALL ARE MESSING WITH ME, JUST LIKE WHEN YOU PULLED MY
PANTS DOWN AT THE YANKEE GAME. I DIDN'T PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, THEY WERE LOOSE, THEY FELL
ON THEIR OWN. WHATEVER. EVERYBODY ALWAYS MESSING WITH
ME. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, DEER IN THE HOUSE!
I DON'T WANT TO MEET HER. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT NO DEER.
RIGHT BEHIND YOU! HUGH? WHO IS HUGH?
NOT HUGH, YOU. ME, STOP MESSING WITH ME. MR. REYNOLDS, IT'S GOT A
KNIFE! WHAT? [ LAUGHTER ]
OH MY GOD, DADDY, YOU SAVED US! THAT'S RIGHT.
PACK YOUR BAGS, GIRL. YOU'RE MOVING BACK TO THE CITY. OUT HERE FOOLING WITH THESE
DEER. NO. NO, DADDY.
WE LOVE IT OUT HERE. [ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW YOU WORRY ABOUT ME, BUT I
PROMISE WE GOING TO BE OKAY. WELL, I DO WORRY. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE MY BABY GIRL -- OH MY GOD! MR. REYNOLDS, THE DEER'S PULLING
DOWN YOUR PANTS! [ LAUGHTER ] GET HIM OUT, YOU PORNO DEER,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MESSING WITH ME? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME TO THE SHOW! THE TEA IS HOT AND THE BRAS ARE OFF.
IT'S TIME FOR "GIRLS TALK." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M YOUR HOST, MONIQUE MONEY,
MONIQUE PROBLEM. AND THIS IS "GIRL TALK," THE TALK SHOW WHERE LADY TELL ME
THEIR PROBLEMS AND I KEEP MY ADVICE REAL SIMPLE. I'M LIKE A WISE OLD GRANDMA,
EXCEPT I STILL LOOK GOOD. Y'ALL WANT TO KNOW MY MEASUREMENTS?
MAYBE? AS ALWAYS, WE GOT WILLIE IN THE DEEJAY BOOTH.
I LOVE LIFE. I GOT TWO GIRLFRIENDS. THEY KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER.
AND THEY BOTH COOL WITH IT. [ LAUGHTER ] I'M STRONG AND I'M HAPPY.
OKAY. GOOD FOR YOU, DEEJAY WILLIE. THANK YOU.
HEY, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED WITH OUR FIRST GUEST.
PLEASE WELCOME STACY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AH, UH-HUH.
HOW YOU DOING? HI, STACY. TALK TO ME, WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU? OKAY, WELL, HERE'S MY PROBLEM.
MY BOYFRIEND OF FOUR YEARS JUST ASKED ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM. BUT I RECENTLY CAUGHT HIM
CHEATING. WHAT SHOULD I DO? GIRL -- GIRL --
[ LAUGHTER ] GIRL. [ LAUGHTER ]
GIRLIE POP. [ LAUGHTER ] GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.
I'M GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIS ASS. UH-HUH, THERE SHE IS, Y'ALL.
COME ON, GIVE IT UP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OKAY ON, LET'S GO AHEAD AND
BRING OUT OUR NEXT GUEST. PLEASE WELCOME KIM. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NICE TO MEET YOU. HI, KIM, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
OH MY GOD, EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON WITH THE WORLD. IT'S LIKE STRESSING ME OUT.
MY ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. YOU KNOW? JUST SOUNDS LIKE IT'S ABOUT TO
BE COMPLEX. SO WHY DON'T WE GET OUR SUBTITLES ON FOR ANY WHITE
PEOPLE OR MEN TUNING IN? GO AHEAD, KIM. GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ] OH, GIRL.
GIRL! [ LAUGHTER ] GIRL.
GIRL? GIRL-LA. [ LAUGHTER ]
WOW, WOW. OKAY, STACY KNOWS HER STUFF. DOES SHE KNOW HER STUFF OR WHAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WILL BE HONEST, THAT JUST GOT A LITTLE TOO REAL FOR ME.
WHY DON'T YOU PICK US BACK UP, DEEJAY WILLIE. OH, MAN.
I LOVE MY LIFE, YOU KNOW? MY CLOTHES ARE AWESOME. I GOT A COOL CAR.
I WAKE UP LAUGHING EVERY MORNING. BECAUSE MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN
MY DREAMS. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, DEEJAY WILLIE.
MAN, THANK YOU. OKAY. LET'S GO AHEAD AND BRING OUT OUR
FINAL GUEST. PAUL, COME ON OUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ] SO PAUL, WHAT'S UP, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
UH, WELL, I THOUGHT ANYONE COULD COME ON. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY CAN. OKAY. SO MY ISSUE IS THIS.
I'VE GOT A GREAT JOB. BUT I'M WORRIED IF I DON'T QUIT NOW, I'LL NEVER PURSUE MY REAL
PASSION, DRAWING. WHAT SHOULD I DO? MM.
GIRL. UH-HUH, YEAH. GIRL.
UH, OKAY. SO QUIT MY JOB? OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE
NOT GETTING IT. STACY, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE BOYFRIEND.
WHY DON'T YOU HELP US OUT, YEAH? I GOT THIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
GIRL. OH, YEAH! YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I SHOULD QUIT DRAWING BECAUSE I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT IT.
UH-HUH, THERE WE GO, BOOM! WOW. YOU'RE THE BEST.
SO I GUESS INSTEAD OF SAYING THANK YOU I'LL TAKE A PAGE OUT OF YOUR BOOK AND SAY GIRL!
[ BUZZER ] NO. NO WAY.
WOW. YOU KNOW WHAT -- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
PLACE MY SONG, DEEJAY WILLIE. ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MAN, I HAVE BEEN FEELING GOOD LATELY. JUST HEALTHY, WHOLE.
I'VE BEEN FEELING FUEGO. LOOKING FUEGO TOO. IT'S IMPORTANT AS WE GET
OLDER WE START TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES. WELLNESS, IT'S SO IMPORTANT.
MY BIG THING I'M TRYING TO CRACK IS MY SCREEN TIME. RIGHT NOW I'M UP TO 23 1/2 HOURS
A DAY. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'VE GOT TO DO BETTER.
THAT'S NOT GREAT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF INTERMITTENT FASTING? YEAH, ARE YOU DOING THAT?
NO, INTERMITTENT SLEEPING. TUESDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, THURSDAYS I'M NOT SLEEPING.
IS IT WORKING? NOT YET. I'VE GOT THIS POST-WORKOUT
SMOOTHIE I'VE BEEN LOVING. WHAT'S IN IT? MILK, ICE CREAM, CHOCOLATE
SAUCE. A MILKSHAKE? YEAH, A MILKSHAKE, WHY?
WHAT DID I SAY? WE'RE DOING SO WELL. WHAT'S UP?
FEELING KIND OF MISERABLE. HOW MISERABLE? THE WORST.
I'M ON A NEW MEDICATION. THAT'S GREAT. IT'S LIKE ZOLOFT BUT JUST THE
SIDE EFFECTS. [ LAUGHTER ] HUH.
VERY DEPRESSED BUT MY PENIS IS BROKEN. THAT SUCKS.
I SIGNED UP FOR A NEW GYM. IT'S CALLED CIGARETTE FITNESS. [ LAUGHTER ]
OH MY GOSH, A SMOKING GYM? A SMOKING GYM, THAT'S RIGHT. DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN
BLEAT MONEY FROM YOUR BANK ACCOUNT? GOD, WE ARE DOING SO WELL
RIGHT NOW. TOTALLY, WE'RE SLIPPING AWAY. EVER SINCE THE PANDEMIC, THE
LIGHT KEEPS GETTING DIMMER. DIMMER, FADING, YEAH. I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DANCE.
REMEMBER DANCING? NO. IT WAS LIKE --
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE EVER DID THAT. OH, I'VE BEEN SEEING A
THERAPIST. REALLY? LIKE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S REALLY THERE. OH, LIKE A HALLUCINATION?
I'M TRYING TO KICK ALL MY BAD HABITS. I'VE GOT TO STOP GRINDING MY
TEETH. OH! OH!
YOU LOOK LIKE GOLLUM. THE DAY I GO TO THE PARK, TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND
START SCREAMING ABOUT HOW THERE'S TOO MANY WIRES IN THE WORLD.
ONE DAY IS ALL WE ASK. * JUST ONE DAY * HA HA HA!
WELLNESS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ORAL-B MOUTH GUARD.
[ EERS A
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEGAN THEE STALLION. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** ** * I'M A BAD
AND I GOT BAD ANXIETY PEOPLE CALL ME RUDE CAUSE I AIN'T *
* LETTIN EM TRY ME SAYIN I'M A -- CAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH MY BODY
ISSUES BUT NOBODY * * I COULD TALK TO ABOUT IT THEY KEEP SAYIN
I SHOULD GET HELP BUT I DON'T EVEN * * KNOW WHAT I NEED
THEY KEEP SAYIN SPEAK YOUR TRUTH AND AT THE SAME TIME *
* SAY THEY DON'T BELIEVE MAN EXCUSE ME WHILE I GET INTO MY FEELINGS FOR A SECOND
USUALLY I KEEP IT DOWN * * BUT TODAY I GOTTA TELL IT NOT THAT ANYBODY
GIVES A -- ANYWAY BUT EVERYBODY TALKIN -- * * PROBABLY SUCKS ANYWAY
Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL I DON'T EVEN KNOW *
* HOW I DEAL TODAY I REALLY HATE EVERYBODY
AND THAT'S JUST ME * * BEIN REAL YEAH MONDAY TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY BAD -- HAVE * * BAD DAYS TOO
FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY JUMP IN HOP IN *
* HAUL AWAY TO ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY
BOUNCE BACK CAUSE * * A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY * * BOUNCE BACK CAUSE
A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS IF I COULD WRITE *
* A LETTER TO HEAVEN I WOULD TELL MY MAMA THAT I SHOULDA
BEEN LISTENIN * * AND I WOULD TELL HER SORRY THAT I REALLY BEEN WILDIN
AND ASK HER TO FORGIVE ME CAUSE I REALLY BEEN TRYIN * * AND I WOULD ASK PLEASE
SHOW ME WHO BEEN REAL AND GET EM FROM AROUND ME IF THEY ALL BEEN FAKE *
* IT'S CRAZY HOW I SAY THE SAME PRAYERS TO THE LORD
AND ALWAYS GET SURPRISED * * ABOUT WHO HE TAKE MAN I'M REALLY
THINKIN BOUT DIALIN 9-1-1 TIL I FREAK * * CAUSE THEY PROBABLY
WON'T THINK IT'S THAT DEEP AND I DON'T DO DRUGS SO I NEVER GET A TIME *
* WHEN I'M AT EASE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE SMOKIN WEED MARILYN MONROE *
* MY FAVORITE -- MY FAVORITE BAD I THINK SHE THE GOAT
JAMMIN TO BRITNEY * * SINGIN TO WHITNEY I JUST WAN TALK TO
SOMEBODY THAT GET ME YEAH MONDAY TUESDAY * * WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
BAD -- HAVE BAD DAYS TOO FRIDAY SATURDAY *
* SUNDAY BOUNCE BACK HOP IN
HAUL AWAY TO * * ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY
BOUNCE BACK CAUSE A BAD -- CAN * * HAVE BAD DAYS
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY BOUNCE BACK CAUSE *
* A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS MONDAY TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY * * BAD -- HAVE BAD DAYS TOO
FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY BOUNCE BACK * * HOP IN
HAUL AWAY TO ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY *
* BOUNCE BACK CAUSE A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS * * IT'LL BE OKAY BOUNCE BACK CAUSE
A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS * **
** **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK, GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST. [ CHEERS ] AFTER THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
SUBPOENAED DONALD TRUMP, TRUMP RESPONDED WITH A 14-PAGE LETTER. 14 PAGES, OKAY, UNABOMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A COINCIDENCE BUT TRUMP WROTE THE
LETTER ON THE SAME DAY THE FDA CONFIRMED THE NATION IS EXPERIENCING A SHORTAGE OF
ADDERALL. [ LAUGHTER ] AND I JUST KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE
IN COLLEGE, ANY TIME I WROTE A 14-PAGE PAPER THIS ONE NIGHT, I'D ALSO TAKEN A DISTURBING
AMOUNT OF ADDERALL. MY FAVORITE PART OF TRUMP'S LETTER IS THE BEGINNING BECAUSE
IT'S ON REALLY NICE LETTERHEAD, IT STARTS "DEAR CHAIRMAN THOMPSON."
THE FIRST LINE IS JUST SCREAMING. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE READING A VICTORIAN LOVE LETTER THAT SAYS, "MY BELOVED WINIFRED, WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH?" [ LAUGHTER ] THE COMMITTEE SHOWED A NEVER
BEFORE SEEN VIDEO OF JANUARY 6th OF A DESPERATE NANCY PELOSI SPEAKING ON THE PHONE WITH MIKE
PENCE, WHICH TO PENCE COUNTS AS ADULTERY. [ LAUGHTER ]
IN THE VIDEO, PELOSI SAID THAT SHE WANTED TO PUNCH OUT DONALD TRUMP AND KNEW IF SHE DID, SHE'D
GO TO JAIL AND BE HAPPY. I ASSUME BECAUSE SHE OWNS STOCK IN PRIVATE PRISONS.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ MOANS ] DURING LAST NIGHT'S GEORGIA
SENATE DEBATE, RAPHAEL WARNOCK ACCUSED HERSCHEL WALKER OF LYING ABOUT WORKING IN LAW
ENFORCEMENT, THEN WALKER PULLED OUT A PROP BADGE AND SAID, QUOTE, I AM WORK WITH MANY
POLICE OFFICERS. YET ANOTHER SIGN THAT HERSCHEL WALKER IS HAS BRAIN PROBLEMS.
[ LAUGHTER ] SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE WATCHING SOMEONE GET
INJURED AT THE SPECIAL LICKS -- [ LAUGHTER ] SPECIAL OLYMPICS --
[ LAUGHTER ] SAID THAT HE IS NOT CONCERNED WITH THREATS DONALD TRUMP MAKES
AT HIS RALLIES TO REMOVE HIM AS SENATE MINORITY LEADER. McCONNELL SAID THE THREATS MAKE
HIM LAUGH HARDER THAN HIS FAVORITE COMEDY SHOW "DAHMER." KANYE WEST'S ANTI-SEMITIC
TWEETS WERE CONDEMNED BY -- JUST SAY LENNY KRAVITZ. AFTER UNHINGED SOCIAL MEDIA
POSTS, ELON MUSK TWEETED, TALKED TO YE. EXPRESSED CONCERNS ABOUT
RECENT TWEET WHICH I THINK HE TOOK TO HEART. WELL THAT SETTLES IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] IF THERE'S ONE THING WE TRUST ELON WITH, IT'S SUCCESSFULLY
READING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING'S EMOTIONAL CUES. [ LAUGHTER ]
A FACEBOOK POST URGING MOMS TO AVOID DISNEY'S REBOOT OF
"HOCUS POCUS" WENT VIRAL. HERE TO DISCUSS IT ARE TWO MOTHERS FROM TEXAS, DEBBIE HULL
AND STACY BUSEY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MICHAEL CHE!
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT "HOCUS POCUS"? A BUNCH OF WITCHES HARVESTING
CHILDREN? RUNNING AMOK? OH, SNACKING ON MY KIDS?
NOT UNDER MY HOUSE. THIS IS A KIDS' MOVIE. WE DON'T NEED A MOVIE WHERE
KIDS' SOULS ARE GETTING SUCKED OFF. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE DON'T, WE DON'T! WE DON'T NEED TO SEE BETTE MIDLER WEARING BIG OLD TEETH.
IT'S SATANIC. IT'S GOING TO UNLEASH HELL. IMAGINE THAT, IMAGINE THAT.
YOU'RE HOME -- WITH HELL IN IT! SATAN WALKING AROUND, ERECT.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? [ LAUGHTER ] IS IT MICHAEL CHE IN YOUR
LIVING ROOM? HARD AS A ROCK? [ LAUGHTER ]
NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT. DEBBIE HOLE.
AREN'T KIDS MISSING OUT ON FUN PARTS OF THE HALLOWEEN? THERE'S NOTHING FUN ABOUT
HALLOWEEN. CANDY? SATANIC.
WHAT CANDY IS SATANIC? SOUR PATCHES. THINK ABOUT IT.
KIDS MAKING A BUNCH OF ARMIE HAMMERS. OH, OH.
AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON SKEET HOLES. OKAY, I WON'T.
YOU GOT HER STARTED. RIGHT. GOT HER STARTED.
TASTE THE RAINBOW? DEMONIC. I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, ANY
VENDING MACHINE WITH A SKITTLE IN IT, THAT'S A WORMHOLE FOR THE DEVIL.
[ LAUGHTER ] EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPER? SUCK TILL I'M DEAD?
NO. NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS ARE JUST CRAZY. CRAZY ABOUT FAMILY, CHURCH, AND LAUGHTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] ME, TOO! EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS MAJORS
ME NERVOUS. YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH LONG ENOUGH, A DEMON WILL SWOOP IN IT.
WHAT DID I SAY? YOU ALL RIGHT? NO.
NO, SHE'S NOT. SHE'S GOT A DEMACHINE IN HER, PROBABLY CAUGHT IT HERE IN
S-N-HELL. DEBBIE, DEBBIE. DEBBIE.
WE SOLD A LOT OF LEGGINGS TO BE HERE, GIRL. [ LAUGHTER ]
IF A BUNCH OF RATS COME IN HERE AND START BUILDING YOU A THRONE, I AM LEAVING NEW YORK.
DEMON, DEMON! DEMON! PUT A COLLAR ON SATAN AND TAKE
HIM BACK TO HELL. CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME, DEBBIE
K. HOLE? AND I'M BACK! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT FUN, I'M NOT GONNA LIE. IN CONCLUSION, SAY NO TO "HOCUS
POCUS" AND WE'LL ALL GO. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE GOT TICKETS TO WICKED
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] A POPULAR PELOTON INSTRUCTOR IS SUING THE COMPANY FOR NEARLY
$2 MILLION ALLEGING THAT AN EXECUTIVE MOCKED HIM FOR BEING IRISH.
IN RESPONSE THE EXECUTIVE COUNTER SUED HIM FOR ALL THE TREASURE IN HIS POT OF GOLD.
[ LAUGHTER ] MANHATTAN CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE MIKE IPKUS STARRED IN
HIS OWN SEX TAPE IN AN EFFORT TO PUBLICIZE HIS CAMPAIGN. I'M GOING TO VOTE FOR HIM,
BECAUSE I WATCHED THAT VIDEO AND WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME POSITIONS.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] THURSDAY WAS NATIONAL NO BRA DAY, WHICH I CELEBRATED BY NOT
SUPPORTING WOMEN. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A BRA JOKE.
A UNITED AIRLINES PASSENGER WHO WAS HIGH ON MUSHROOMS ASSAULTED TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.
WHILE AT SPIRIT AIRLINES, BATH SALTS ARE THE IN-FLIGHT SNACK. [ LAUGHTER ]
PEBBLES, WHO WAS THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING DOG, DIED AT THE AGE OF 22.
BUT IT'S OKAY. HIS OWNERS KNEW THIS WAS COMING. IF THEY DIDN'T KEEP HIM OFF MY
YARD. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] SOME PARENTS IN OREGON ARE
HAVING LARGE GROUPS OF THEIR CHILDREN RIDE THEIR BIKES TO SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME IN A
FORMATION THEY'RE CALLING A BIKE BUS. AND PEDOPHILES ARE CALLING A
BUFFET. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] RESEARCHERS SAY THE NUMBER
OF GRAY WHALES OFF WESTERN NORTH AMERICA HAS CONTINUED TO DECLINE FOR SEVERAL YEARS.
IT'S A SAD FACT THAT MAKES ME WONDER IF WHALE OIL IS REALLY THE BEST WAY TO GIVE MY HAIR
THIS AMAZING VOLUME. [ LAUGHTER ] A GROWING NUMBER OF NFL
PLAYERS ARE FILLING UP THEIR OFF TIME BY PLAYING CHESS WITH EACH OTHER.
AND ALSO, LET'S SEE HERE -- DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
HOW THEY'RE SPENDING THEIR TIME, COLIN. A VIDEO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A
DOCTOR REMOVING NEARLY TWO DOZEN CONTACT LENSES FROM A WOMAN'S EYE THAT SHE HAD FORGOTTEN WERE
IN THERE. YOU KNOW YOU MESSED UP WHEN YOUR DOCTOR IS LIKE, "HEY, CAN I FILM
THIS?" [ LAUGHTER ] A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT
THE BENEFITS OF PREVENTIVE COLONOSCOPIES MAY BE OVERESTIMATED.
BUT THE PLEASURES ARE UNDENIABLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
BORDER OFFICIALS HAVE DISCOVERED $400,000 WORTH OF METH HIDDEN INSIDE PUMPKINS.
THEY COULD TELL THE PUMPKINS WERE FULL OF METH BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD THREE TEETH LEFT.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ] THINGS ARE GOING WELL, HERE
TO TALK ABOUT HOW HE'S ADJUSTING IS OUR NEW CAST MEMBER DEVON WALKER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, CHE. ANY TIME, MAN.
HOW'S THIS WHOSE EXPERIENCE BEEN FOR YOU? YOU DIGGING NEW YORK?
NOT REALLY. IF I'M BEING HONEST, I THINK NEW YORK'S A LITTLE OVERRATED.
WOW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM? I'M FROM TEXAS.
OH. [ CHEERS ] YEAH, I MEAN, HONESTLY --
DON'T DO THAT, DON'T DO THAT. I HATE HOW NEW YORKERS TALK ABOUT WHERE I'M FROM.
EVERY TIME I TELL A NEW YORKER I'M FROM TEXAS, THEY APOLOGIZE TO ME LIKE I FOUGHT IN A WAR.
EVERY TIME, OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU. TOUCH LIKE THAT.
TEXAS ISN'T A PERFECT PLACE BUT EVERY TIME I STEP OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT IN NEW YORK, I SEE THE
WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S A NORMAL THING TO SEE, ALL RIGHT? LIKE ONE TIME I SAW A KID GET
INTO A FISTFIGHT WITH A BIRD. [ LAUGHTER ] AND THE BIRD WAS WINNING.
[ LAUGHTER ] I TOLD MY HOMIE HE WAS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD, "OH, THAT'S JUST
MIKE." THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE KID OR THE BIRD. YOU SAW THAT IN TEXAS, THEY'D SHUT TEXAS DOWN FOR.
NOBODY WOULD GO TO SCHOOL OR ANYTHING, THEY'D HANG OUT AT HOME UNTIL THE VIBES GOT RIGHT
AGAIN. I'M SURE YOU'LL START TO FIT IN.
CAN I ASK THE AUDIENCE A QUESTION? OKAY.
HEY, GUYS. Y'ALL THINK I LOOK LIKE A CATCALLER?
YEAH! NO! I DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE
ONE. BUT EVER SINCE I MOVED HERE, EVERY TIME I SEE A DUDE DOING A
CATCALL, WE HAVE ON THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT. [ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETIMES I PASS WOMEN ON THE STREET, THEY GO LIKE THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW WHY IT HAPPENS. I'M A LARGE MAN. LARGE MEN BE RESPONSIBLE FOR A
LOT OF THE BAD THINGS HISTORICALLY. BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT HOW TO COMMUNICATE TO THESE WOMEN I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WEIRD, SO ANY TIME ONE
TRIES TO AVOID ME, I'VE BEEN "HEY, BABY GIRL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I'M REGULAR."
[ LAUGHTER ] WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? I DON'T KNOW, MY BODY'S BIG,
I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY VOICE LITTLE. YOU MIGHT BE OVERTHINKING IT.
I DON'T THINK I AM. WATCH THIS. HEY, REAL QUICK, WHERE ARE MY
STRAIGHT BOYS AT? [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, MORALE IS REAL LOW RIGHT
NOW, ALL RIGHT? ODD TO ASK THAT QUESTION IN 19 THINGS, THE BUILDING WOULD HAVE
EXPLODED. 30 ROCK WOULD BE GONE BECAUSE THE HETERO BOYS BROUGHT IT DOWN.
WE GET A LOT OF BAD PRESS RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF BAD PRESS.
I THINK WE CAN CHANGE IT. I THINK CULTURE SHIFT, THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.
I THINK ALL OF US NEED TO TRY TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORE GAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
SAY WHAT? I SAID WHAT I SAID, MICHAEL, ALL RIGHT?
OUR CULTURE IS BAD, WE NEED A SHIFT, EVERY SINGLE YEAR 37 OF MY HOMIES INVITE ME TO BE IN A
FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I DON'T THINK THE STRAIGHT COMMUNITY KNOWS WE DON'T HAVE SO
DO THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] I WANT MY BROTHERS TO BE FREE.
NEXT TIME ONE OF MY HOMIES ASKS ME IF I'M DRAFTING TOM BRADY, "NO, DOG, I'M TRYING TO KISS YOU
ON THE LIPS, ACTUALLY." [ CHEERS ] DEVON WALKER, EVERYBODY!
MICHAEL CHE!
BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKING EVERYWHERE, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
HERE WE WANT TO GET THOSE BOOTIES READY FOR HALLOWEEN! WHETHER YOU'RE DRESSING UP AS A
SEXY WITCH WITH A FAT ASS OR A FIRST RESPONDER WITH A FAT ASS OR EVEN JEFFREY DAHMER WITH A --
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY. FAT ASS! ALL RIGHT, NOW.
IT'S TIME TO SWEAT. LET'S START OFF IN A SQUAT AND POP.
AND SQUAT AND POP. NOW REMEMBER, WITH A BIG ASS COMES BIG RESPONSIBILITIES.
IF YOU NEED A MODIFIED VERSION, TRAIN YOUR EYES TO KEELY KAY. THAT'S RIGHT, ANYBODY LOOKING
NOT TO GET A BUTT, LOOK OUR WAY. THAT'S KEELY, THAT'S KALIE KAY, WE DON'T HAVE BUTTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT, WE GO FROM BACK TO LEG.
A DRIVE FROM KANSAS TO IOWA, THAT'S OUR ASS. [ LAUGHTER ]
OH MY GOD. THEY LITERALLY HAVE NO BUTT. YEAH, IT'S LIKE ACTUALLY
SPOOKY. OKAY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE KEELY AND
KAMMIE KAY, I WILL NOT BE OFFENDED. NO, I NEED A BUTT, I'M
GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH AND I'M TRYING TO DRAG A WAGON DOWN THE AISLE.
THE FLOWER GIRL WILL BE ABLE TO SIT ON YOUR ASS. DROP YOUR LOAD, DROP YOUR LOAD.
AND ONCE AGAIN, FROM MY FLAT BUTT ARMY? DROP IT HIGH, DROP IT HIGH, DROP
IT HEAT. ALL RIGHT, NOW. BIG BOOTY, WIGGLE WITH IT,
WIGGLE WITH IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] TINY BOOTY, GET LITTLE WITH
IT, GET LITTLE WITH IT, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE. LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE
WITH IT. SAG THE ASS, RELEASE THE TENSION.
SAG THE ASS?
WHAT IS THAT EVEN ACCOMPLISHING? RIGHT NOW FOR YOUR BIG-BONED
BITCHES, I DON'T WANT YOU SEE YOU GRABBING QUARTER POUNDERS, I WANT YOU SLINGING TEN POUNDERS.
DROP YOUR WAIST. WIGGLE YOUR OWN SUB. DROP IT LOW.
GRAB IT LOW. GET SEXY WITH IT. DROP IT LOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, MY APPLE BOTTOM. GRAB YOUR KNEES AND WORK YOUR
HIPS. AND WORK IT. [ CHEERS ]
AND WORK IT. GRAB YOUR PARTNER AND PUNCH THEM IN THE BUTT.
SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND SO SMASH THAT ASS DOWN. BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTA!
THAT CAN'T BE A REAL EXERCISE. OKAY.
SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOME OF Y'ALL ARE LOOKING AT BOOTY OVER THERE. THAT'S OKAY.
THAT'S TOO LOW. ATTENTION! LINE IT UP!
OH, OH! LINE IT UP! THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU FEEL OUR MICRO CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE GAME. CHEEKS, CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE
GAME. CHEEKS, CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE GAME.
STOP! YOU'RE IN THE GAME -- STOP WIPING YOUR ASSES ON US!
GET REAL. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I WILL SUE YOUR FLAT ASS.
COME ON, Y'ALL. BE NICE. KEELY AND KAYLIE ARE MY FRIENDS.
THEY TOOK MY CLASS FOR SIX YEARS. YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM THEIR
MONEY BACK. [ LAUGHTER ] WOW.
AND THE BODY SHAMING CONTINUES. BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. WE HAVE UGLY, FLAT BUTTS.
SORRY WE'RE NOT KARDASHIANS. [ LAUGHTER ] OUR BACK SIDES ARE BASICALLY
PAPER PLATES. WE WEREN'T GIFTED WITH THE GENETICS OF IGGY AMELIA.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE. NO, YOUR DEPLETED WHOOPEE CUSHIONS ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I'M GOING TO LET YOU LEAD THE CLASS WITH THOSE FLAT ASSES. THANKS!
HIT OUR MUSIC! IF YOU THINK THIS IS "THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" MUSIC,
YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT. NOW BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTA! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ONCE AGAIN, MEGAN THEE STALLION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** ** **
WHAT'S UP SNL HOTTIES?
WHAT'S UP, HOTTIES AT HOME? * I AIN'T PERFECT BUT ANYTHING I DID *
* TO ANY OF YOU Y'ALL DESERVED IT * * YOU SEE ME IN THAT MODE
DON'T DISTURB ME WHEN I'M WORKIN' * * YOU BETTER BACK UP
DON'T KNOW WHAT BE IN THESE PURSES * * AND I AIN'T SAY
EXCUSE ME, 'CAUSE I DID THAT ON PURPOSE, YEAH * * YOU SEE A STAR
UP IN THIS * * YOU KNOW I BROUGHT A 100 BLACK CARS IN THIS *
* KNEES FREAK I DON'T LIKE NOBODY TOUCHIN' ON MY *
* SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO BRING MY OWN BOTTLES IN THIS * * RIDIN' BY MYSELF SHOPPIN'
BAG IN THE BACKSEAT * * WITH THE MONEY TO THEY EAR DON'T ATTRACT ME *
* FLY OUT THE COUNTRY LET A PRINCE BAG ME * * NYMPHO, WANNA DO A
POCKETS NASTY * * HATIN' ON ME BUT IT'S COOL, LOVE ME *
* BODY BANGIN' I AIN'T HAD TO LET THE DOCTOR CUT ME *
* SICK OF BEIN' HUMBLE 'CAUSE YOU DON'T RESPECT THAT *
* AND THE NEXT ONE OF Y'ALL WANNA GET BOLD I'M GON' CHECK THAT *
* AND THE NEXT ONE OF Y'ALL BLOGS WANNA SPREAD LIES I'M GON' SUE YOU *
* AND THE NEXT -- THAT BREAK MY NDA THEY GOIN' FOR YOU TOO *
* NOW LISTEN TO ME 'CAUSE I'M GIVIN' YOU A WARNING *
* YOU GON' HAVE TO PAY ME FOREVER TRYNA BE CORNY * * I'M FROM THE CITY
OF THE DRINK SIPPERS * * SLIDIN', RIDIN' PAINT DRIPPERS *
* SO BAD GOT THE FAMOUS STAGE DIPPERS * * POPPIN' ALL THE MUSIC
SO YOU KNOW I'M KINDA SCREWED UP * * WRIST SO ICY
TURN A DRANK INTO A COOL CUP * * GOIN' THROUGH SO SOME
SO I GOTTA STAY BUSY * * BOUGHT A 'RARI I CAN'T LET THE -- *
* I'M THINKIN' CATCH UP WITH ME * * IF THEY SAY THEY SEE ME
OUTSIDE OF A BOOKIE THEN THAT WAS KIZZY * * BARELY BE AT HOME
BUT I STILL PUT ON FOR MY CITY * * WHERE THE REAL -- AT
I'M GONNA BRING REAL -- BACK * * WHERE'S ALL THE
REAL WOMEN AT * * FREE THE GUYS BRING THE REAL -- BACK *
* WHERE THE REAL -- AT I'M GONNA BRING REAL WOMEN BACK *
* WHERE'S ALL THE REAL WOMEN AT * * FREE THE GUYS
BRING THE REAL MEN BACK * * DEAR BROKE BOY STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
I USED TO MESS WITH YA * * POPPING PLAN B'S 'CAUSE I AIN'T PLANNED
TO BE STUCK WITH YA * * MAN, I SEE YOU STILL KICK IT WITH
THEM OPS * * I'M THE ONLY REASON THAT YOUR GOOFY SELF
GOT WOMEN * * ALL THEM GIRLS WANNA LOOK LIKE ME *
* SHE MOST LIKELY ONLY MESSED WITH YOU JUST TO SPITE ME *
* BUT PLEASE DON'T GET IT TWISTED I AIN'T TRIPPING *
* I NEVER PUT MY FACE IN IT * * IF YOU WAS WONDERING YEAH, BOY
I'M STILL THAT CHICK * * I HAD TO BLOCK YOU BUT YOU STILL GOTTA
WATCH THIS * * 'CAUSE WHO YOU KNOW ROCK IT LIKE ME *
* NO BRA, TIGHT TEES HEY SLICK BACK PONYTAIL FEELING LIKE I'M ICE-T *
* YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU GOOD REAL HOOD WHEN YOU WAKE UP *
* YOU KNOW THAT GIRL WEAK IF SHE AIN'T MESSING UP HER MAKEUP *
* MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO LET YOU TOUCH ME * * I'D RATHER BE IN JAIL
BEFORE A BROKE BOY * * LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF 'CAUSE THIS COULD GET UGLY *
* THAT'S WHY IT'S -- GET MONEY * * AND I DON'T GIVE A
IF THAT -- LEAVE TONIGHT * * BECAUSE -- THAT -- DON'T RUN ME *
* YOU BETTER GET ON YOUR KNEES AND EAT THIS -- RIGHT *
* BEFORE I HAVE ANOTHER DO IT FOR ME * * BECAUSE -- DON'T RUN ME
I RUN -- YEAH, YOU'S A -- * * SUIT IN MY MEETING
WAGYU STEAK WHEN I'M EATING * * MAKING SO MUCH MONEY THIS BOY IS DUMB
IF HE'S CHEATING * * CHICKS IS WATCHING AND HATING
PUT THAT -- IN THEY FACES * * I'LL BUY THE WHOLE BUILDING *
* AND KEEP THEM GIRLS IN THEY PLACES * * HE SUBMERGED IN IT
LIKE A BAPTISM * * HE HIT THIS WATER THEN HE COMING BACK
A REAL -- * * HOW YOU WANT A -- BUT DON'T WANNA WORK *
* HOW YOU WANT A HEY THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE * * TOLD BOY "NO"
THE FIRST TIME * * TRIED TO SPARE THIS MAN'S FEELINGS *
* NOW HE THINK HE HURTING MINE * * AND I BE AT WORK
WHILE YOU SLEEP * * MY COOKIE IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE MEAL
YOU'LL EVER EAT * * STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO TRUST YOU *
* THE ONLY ACCOLADE YOU EVER MADE IS THAT I -- YOU *
* YOU A -- IF YOU GET THE CHANCE I BET YOU SNITCH *
* YOU'LL NEVER GET A CHANCE TO TELL ME -- HEY * * LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF
'CAUSE THIS COULD GET UGLY * * THAT'S WHY IT'S GET MONEY *
* AND I DON'T GIVE A -- IF THAT -- LEAVE TONIGHT * * BECAUSE -- THAT --
DON'T RUN ME * * YOU BETTER GET ON YOUR KNEES
AND EAT THIS -- RIGHT * * BEFORE I HAVE ANOTHER DO IT FOR ME *
* BECAUSE -- DON'T RUN ME I RUN -- * YEAH
YOU'S A -- ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S ALREADY FALL. WINTER WILL BE HERE SOON. RIGHT NOW, MILLIONS OF CHILLY
WOMEN ARE SITTING IN THEIR VERY DRAFTY APARTMENTS WITHOUT BOYFRIENDS.
* HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH * YOU CAN HELP. FOR ONLY $1 A DAY, YOU CAN
PROVIDE GIANT, BROKEN-IN MEN SWEATSHIRTS WHERE A SINGLE GIRL CAN GET COLD EASY.
I BROKE UP WITH RYAN RIGHT AROUND THE TIME IT STARTED GETTING NIPPY.
I CAN LITERALLY SEE MY OWN BREATH, THAT'S HOW COLD IT IS. * HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH *
EVERY GIANT SWEATSHIRT FEATURES A UNIQUE BOYFRIEND DESIGN, LIKE NEW ENGLAND
PATRIOTS, SLIPKNOT, DUNDER MIFFLIN. I RAN INTO MY EX AT A COFFEE
SHOP. HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME, "ISN'T THAT MY SWEATSHIRT?"
IT WAS. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM CALLING ME OUT?
IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO STEAL YOUR SWEATSHIRT, THEN WHY WAS IT IN YOUR CLOSET?
* LIVING IN A GANGSTA'S PARADISE * I WENT TO A LAUNDROMAT,
OPENED A DRYER, AND GRABBED A GUY'S STUFF. HE CHASE MED FOR BLOCKS.
I'M GOING TO SAY IT. I MISS DUTCH OVENS. ME TOO.
HEY, TOM. CALL ST. ANDREW'S CENTER FOR SHIVERING GIRLS AND HELP
SOMEONE.
HEY! GET UP, GET UP! **
TURN THAT MUSIC OFF AND SIT IN YOUR SEATS! MY NAME IS MS. FINK.
AND I WILL BE YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER TODAY. NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR
REGULAR TEACHER DOES DURING THIS CLASS, BUT I AM HERE TO INSTRUCT.
AND YOU ARE HERE TO LEARN. AND THERE IS ONE MORE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW.
I BELIEVE IN YOU. ** NOW, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE
BEEN TOLD YOUR WHOLE LIVES. YOU ARE NOT DUMB. YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE.
MAYBE EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE THINKS IT'S HIGH SCHOOL, THEN THE STREETS, THEN PRISON.
BUT NOT ME. WHEN I LOOK AT THIS ROOM, I DON'T SEE THUGS.
I DON'T SEE DUMMIES. I SEE A GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHOSE ONLY FAULT WAS BEING BORN
THE WRONG COLOR IN THIS COUNTRY. SO YES, YOU MAY BE DUMB TODAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WHAT YOU ARE TOMORROW STARTS RIGHT HERE IN THIS CLASSROOM. AM I UNDERSTOOD?
YES. YES. OKAY.
NOW, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED. HOW MANY OF YOU CAN READ? UM -- ALL OF US?
[ LAUGHTER ] MISS, THIS IS AN HONORS LEVEL PHYSICS CLASS.
[ LAUGHTER ] THIS CLASS IS THAT? YEAH.
EVERY CLASS AT THE SCHOOL IS HONORS LEVEL. THIS IS A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL?
OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ] WE ALL HAD TO TAKE A
COLLEGE-LEVEL TEST TO GET IN HERE. OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] DID THE PRINCIPAL NOT TELL YOU?
NO. AND WAIT, WHO IS CALLING US DUMB?
* NOBODY * BUT WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE CLASS, YOU GAVE THAT LONG
SPEECH, YOU SAID PEOPLE WERE SAYING WE WAS DUMB. WHO IS THAT?
OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ] WHO SAID WE WERE BORN THE
WRONG COLOR? WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? YEAH, THAT SOUNDED RACIST AS
HELL. IT DOES NOW, YES. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL DID YOU SAY THERE WAS, AGAIN? IT'S A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL, MISS.
STANDS FOR SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY, ENGINEERING, AND MATH.
MM, MM. ALL SUBJECTS I KNOW VERY WELL. S-T-E-M.
BUT I LIKE TO SAY IT STUDENTS FOR "STUDENTS TOGETHER ACHIEVING MUCH."
MISS, THE WORD "ACHIEVING" STARTS WITH AN "A." HM, EXACTLY.
DID WE ALL HEAR THAT? LET'S ALL TRY TO BE MORE LIKE LAQUANTISHA.
MY NAME IS AMY. [ LAUGHTER ] QUIET UNLESS CALLED ON.
LET'S BEGIN THE LESSON. WHERE DID WE LEAVE OFF IN THE TEXT?
CHAPTER 237, PARTICLE BEHAVIOR IN WAVE MECHANICS. BIG OLD BOOK.
[ LAUGHTER ] I WILL READ. A PHOTON CAN BEHAVE BOTH AS A
WAVE AND A PARTICLE. THIS -- HM. [ LAUGHTER ]
UM, MISS, IT'S "DUALITY." ONE MORE TIME FOR ME, BABY? "DUALITY."
DETENTION! [ LAUGHTER ] AND THAT CONCLUDES THE READING.
STUDENTS -- ** HERE'S SOME TRUTH FOR YOU.
SOMETIMES THE TEACHERS ARE THE ONES WHO ARE DUMB. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND SOMETIMES THEY TAKE A JOB NOT REALIZING IT'S AT A S.T.A.M. SCHOOL.
UM -- IT'S A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL, MISS. WITH AN "E."
DETENTION! AND SOMETIMES THAT MAKES THEM SAY AND DO RACIST.
BUT YOU CAN'T HOLD THAT AGAINST THEM. [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE SOME OF THESE TEACHERS DID NOT GO TO COLLEGE. BUT MISS, I THOUGHT YOU HAD
TO GO TO COLLEGE TO BE A TEACHER. DETENTION!
THE POINT IS, I BELIEVE IN YOU. AND THAT IS WHY I SHOULD STILL GET PAID FOR TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] CLASS DISMISSED! BUT THE BELL DIDN'T RING.
[ LAUGHTER ] BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN
DOOR? MISS, THE DOOR OPEN IN, YOU'VE GOT TO PULL IT.
IT'S A "PULL." DETENTION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** THEY ONLY GIVE YOU 20
SECONDS, EVERYTHING HERE AT "SNL." I REALLY WANT TO SAY THANK YOU
TO MY WHOLE TEAM. WE'VE BEEN WAKING UP EVERY DAY, HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, COME DO
THIS. THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY AT "SNL" THAT REALLY HELD ME DOWN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU TO MY TEAM, THANK YOU. THANK YOU EVERYBODY IN THE CROWD
TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THANK YOU TO THE HOTTIES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WITHOUT THE HOTTIES, THERE WOULD BE NO HOTTIES TO COACH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD NIGHT! **