1 00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:19,152 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT. 2 00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:25,158 WE HAVE TO LET THE COMMITTEE COME TO ORDER FOR ITS NINTH AND FINAL HEARING. 3 00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:31,031 THE JANUARY 6th WAS ONE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC AND CONSEQUENTIAL MOMENTS IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY. 4 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:36,403 SO TO FIGHT BACK, WE ASSEMBLED A TEAM OF MONOTONE NERDS TO DO A POWERPOINT. 5 00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,105 [ LAUGHTER ] I DID MINE WITH GOOGLE FLY. [ LAUGHTER ] 6 00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:42,609 WE'VE BEEN INVESTIGATING THIS HORRIBLE ATTACK FOR MORE THAN A YEAR, BUT TODAY'S SESSION IS 7 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:48,381 GOING TO BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT. WE'RE GOING TO SUMMARIZE OUR FINDINGS, HOLD A HISTORY-MAKING 8 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:55,188 VOTE, AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN -- WE ALL GET TO HAVE A LITTLE TREAT. 9 00:00:55,188 --> 00:00:58,758 [ LAUGHTER ] AW, COME ON, CAN'T I HAVE ONE CUPCAKE NOW? 10 00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:04,898 NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S EVIDENCE, THEN A VOTE, THEN A LITTLE TREAT. 11 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:08,835 [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, I WOULD FIRST LIKE TO RECOGNIZE THE GENTLE LADY FROM 12 00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:14,541 WYOMING WHO I AM SHOCKED TO SAY HAS BECOME MY BEST FRIEND. LIZ CHENEY. 13 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:20,180 THANK YOU, BENNIE. [ LAUGHTER ] OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS, THIS 14 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:23,750 BIPARTISAN COMMITTEE HAS PRESENTED OUR CASE TO ALL AMERICANS. 15 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:28,088 WHETHER YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN WHO'S NOT WATCHING, OR A DEMOCRAT WHO'S NODDING SO HARD 16 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:32,459 YOUR HEAD IS FALLING OFF -- [ LAUGHTER ] ONE PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR 17 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:39,299 THIS INSURRECTION, DONALD TRUMP. AND ONE PERSON WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES, ME. 18 00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:42,268 [ LAUGHTER ] YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHAT MAKES ME SO TOUGH. 19 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:49,109 AND I ASK YOU, WHO IS YOUR DAD? [ LAUGHTER ] IS IT DICK CHENEY? 20 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:54,748 YOU MIGHT WONDER, WHEN YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO TAKE ON YOUR ENTIRE PARTY ALONE. 21 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:58,818 I SAY, WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHO TUCKED YOU IN AT NIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ] 22 00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:05,158 WAS IT DICK CHENEY? I'VE BEEN ASKED, HOW DID YOU GET A BACKBONE MADE OF STEEL? 23 00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:11,865 AND I AND BACK, FOR YOUR 10th BIRTHDAY, DID YOU EAT PIZZA AT CHUCK E. CHEESE WITH ALL YOUR 24 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:15,635 FRIENDS? OR DID YOU SHOOT A DEER IN THE FACE WITH DICK CHENEY? 25 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:20,473 [ LAUGHTER ] SO YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I HAVE BIG DICK CHENEY ENERGY. 26 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,310 [ LAUGHTER ] WELL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLE LADY 27 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:28,248 FROM WYOMING. THE CHAIR NOW RECOGNIZES THE GENTLEMAN FROM CALIFORNIA, AND 28 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:37,757 MAYBE THE HORROR MOVIE SMILE? ACTUALLY, NO, NO, NO, WE GONNA SKIP HIM. 29 00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:41,761 TOO SPOOKY. ALL RIGHT. THE CHAIR INSTEAD RECOGNIZES THE 30 00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:48,234 GENTLEMAN FROM MARYLAND. THANK YOU, MR. CHAIRMAN. LEADING UP TO JANUARY 6th, THE 31 00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:54,841 FBI SCOURED THROUGH ALT-RIGHT MESSAGE BOARDS AND FOUND DISTURBING COMMENTS LIKE, WHO 32 00:02:54,841 --> 00:03:02,649 WANTS TO BURN D.C. TO THE GROUND? ANYONE GOT ROOM IN THEIR CAR FOR 33 00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:14,594 ME, 10 RIFLES AND 30 SNAKES? WHERE DO WE PARK? IS THERE A SHUTTLE FROM LA 34 00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:19,265 QUINTA? AM I AT WRONG WASHINGTON? I SEE SPACE NEEDLE. 35 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:25,605 YET AGAIN, PRESIDENT TRUMP DIDN'T RAISE A FINGER. AND WHILE THESE HOOLIGANS WERE 36 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:32,846 RANSACKING OUR BELOVED CAPITOL, REAL LEADERS LIKE NANCY PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER WERE BUNKERED 37 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:42,122 IN A SENATE HIDE-AWAY TRYING TO SAVE THE COUNTRY. YES, HELLO, MR. VICE 38 00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:45,425 PRESIDENT. IT'S SPEAKER PELOSI. WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE? 39 00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:52,298 CAN WE GET BACK TO THE CAPITOL AND RESUME THE VOTE IN HELLO, DOORDASH? 40 00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:55,101 [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S CHUCK SCHUMER! YES, WE STILL HAVEN'T RECEIVED 41 00:03:55,101 --> 00:04:04,811 ANY OF OUR LUNCH ORDERS! THE DROP-OFF LOCATION, DUE TO SOME UNFORTUNATE TREASON, BUT IT 42 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:08,148 SHOULD HAVE ARRIVED BY NOW. THE PRESIDENT IS DOING NOTHING, THIS IS COMPLETELY 43 00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:13,186 UNACCEPTABLE. MY ORDER? DILL PICKLES STILL FLOATING IN 44 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:18,758 THE JUICE AND A PASTRAMI SANDWICH WITH VERY LIGHT MUSTARD, DO YOU HEAR ME? 45 00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:23,830 I'M IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH 30 PEOPLE. IF I GET AN UPSET STOMACH, ALL 46 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:27,701 HELL IS GOING TO BREAK LOOSE. [ LAUGHTER ] AND IT CONTINUES FOR HOURS 47 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:35,642 FROM THERE. WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RASKIN. THE CHAIR NOW RECOGNIZES THE 48 00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:38,712 TENDERONI FROM ILLINOIS. THANK YOU, MR. CHAIR. I TOOK A CUPCAKE. 49 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:44,084 [ LAUGHTER ] NOW, DONALD TRUMP KNEW HE HAD LOST THE ELECTION. 50 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:50,290 EVERYONE AROUND HIM KNEW. HE ASKED WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL PAT CIPOLLONE, DID I LOSE THE 51 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,426 ELECTION? AND PAT SAID, YES. [ LAUGHTER ] 52 00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:57,897 HE THEN ASKED IVANKA. DID I REALLY LOSE THE ELECTION? SHE SAID, YES. 53 00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:05,038 [ LAUGHTER ] HE THEN TRIED A JANITOR. HEY, YOU DON'T THINK I LOST, DO 54 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:09,275 YOU? THE JANITOR RESPONDED, I DO. [ LAUGHTER ] 55 00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:15,749 THEN THE PRESIDENT TURNED TO A DOG AND SAID, WHAT ABOUT YOU? DID I WIN? 56 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:21,154 AND THE DOG LEGIT SHOOK ITS HEAD SIDE TO SIDE THEN BARKED A PERFECT HUMAN "NO." 57 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:26,826 [ LAUGHTER ] DONALD WAS DESPERATE TO HANG ON TO POWER. 58 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:31,664 MEANWHILE, REAL HEROES LIKE NANCY PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER WERE THE ONES ACTUALLY RUNNING 59 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:38,171 THIS COUNTRY. MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, SPEAKER PELOSI AGAIN, 60 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,441 TELL THEM I'M HERE TOO. MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WHERE IS PRESIDENT TRUMP? 61 00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:46,846 WHAT IS HE DOING TO STOP THIS? HI, MIKE, IT'S CHUCK SCHUMER, I'M HERE AS WELL! 62 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:51,985 LET ME TELL YOU, IF TRUMP COMES HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE. 63 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:55,622 THEN I'LL BE HAPPY. LET ME TELL YOU, IF TRUMP COMES, I'M GOING TO LET HIM 64 00:05:55,622 --> 00:06:01,094 PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL, FREE SOUP. [ LAUGHTER ] 65 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:11,905 NOT SURE IF SCHUMER NEEDS TO BE IN ALL THESE CLIPS. MISS CHENEY, ANY FINAL THOUGHTS? 66 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:16,042 THE FACT IS TRUMP PLANNED TO DECLARE VICTORY NO MATTER THE RESULTS. 67 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:19,546 LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF THE PRESIDENT THE DAY BEFORE THE ELECTION. 68 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:24,684 THE VOTES DON'T MATTER, I'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT THE VOTES DON'T MATTER AT ALL. 69 00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:30,256 WHAT EVEN IS A VOTE? IT'S A PIECE OF PAPER YOU FOLD UP, PUT IT IN A HAT, A GUY 70 00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:36,129 SHAKES IT AROUND. [ LAUGHTER ] HE HAD A GREAT HAT, IT WAS VERY 71 00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:40,834 TALL, HE BORROWED IT FROM APOLLO CREED WHO IS A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, WE TALK ON THE PHONE 72 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,737 EVERY DAY, OUR WIVES ARE FRIENDS. HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE DIED IN 73 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:51,077 THAT RING. HE GETS WHACKED IN THE HEAD, AND BOOM, WHERE'S THE OBAMACARE? 74 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:55,248 [ LAUGHTER ] NO, WE DON'T VOTE, WE DON'T VOTE. 75 00:06:55,248 --> 00:07:04,090 IT'S OPEN! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IS MIKE PENCE DEAD YET? 76 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:09,462 ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'VE SEEN QUITE ENOUGH. LET US NOW TAKE A VOTE, SHOULD 77 00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:12,265 WE SUBPOENA PRESIDENT TRUMP AND FORCE HIM TO TESTIFY BEFORE THIS COMMITTEE? 78 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,903 YES, WE MUST. AND THIS VOTE IS NOT JUST AN EMPTY GESTURE. 79 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:23,877 HE WILL TESTIFY. THAT'S RIGHT. HE WILL GET ON A PLANE AND LEAVE 80 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:32,085 FLORIDA, WHERE HE IS BELOVED, AND HE WILL FLY TO WASHINGTON WHERE HE IS HATED, AND HE WILL 81 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:36,589 ANSWER MY QUESTIONS. QUESTIONS LIKE, HEY! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, 82 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:45,065 MISTER! TRUMP IS 100% COMING AND THIS TIME HE WILL BE HELD 83 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:49,703 ACCOUNTABLE. SURE, HE GOT AWAY WITH A LOT OF STUFF IN THE '70s, THE '80s, THE 84 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:54,507 '90s, THE EARLY 2000s, THE 2010s, AND THE EARLY 2020S. [ LAUGHTER ] 85 00:07:54,507 --> 00:08:04,617 BUT THAT ENDS NOW! WITH US. BECAUSE I'M -- MR. KINZINGER. 86 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:08,021 AND HE WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY. ALL RIGHT, WELL, I CAN 87 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:11,591 ALREADY SEE THIS IS A COMPLETE ZERO. I WANT TO THANK MY COLLEAGUES 88 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:16,896 FOR THROWING AWAY THEIR SUMMERS, AND IN SOME CASES THEIR CAREERS, TO SERVE ON THIS COMMITTEE. 89 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,399 HEY NO PROBLEM. MY CALENDAR WAS EMPTY. I DO HAVE A COUPLE OF 90 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:23,937 REGRETS. [ LAUGHTER ] AMERICA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT 91 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:29,275 MORE WE COULD POSSIBLY SHOW YOU EXCEPT MAYBE THIS CLIP OF NANCY PELOSI SAYING POO-POO. 92 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:35,315 THERE'S POO-POO. THERE'S POO HAVE POO ON THE WALLS OF THE CAPITOL. 93 00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:42,689 OH MY GOD, WHILE I'M EATING? THEY ARE SMEARING THE WALLS WITH THEIR POO-POO. 94 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,525 I TOLD YOU THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WITH TOO MUCH MUSTARD. ALL RIGHT. 95 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:50,430 [ LAUGHTER ] WE TRIED. IT WAS A FUN COUNTRY WHILE IT 96 00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:55,301 LASTED. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 97 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:05,045 IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 98 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:53,853 MUSICAL GUEST, MEGAN THEE STALLION. 99 00:10:53,853 --> 00:11:07,100 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MEGAN THEE STALLION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 100 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:21,081 THEE STALLION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 101 00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:34,327 I CAN'T TELL YOU ALL HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE HERE! [ CHEERS ] 102 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:39,833 MOST OF Y'ALL KNOW ME AS MEGAN BUT IF YOU KNOW ME, THEN YOU KNOW I GO BY MORE THAN ONE NAME. 103 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:49,642 LET'S SEE, WE GOT FAMOUS NO. THE HOT GIRL COACH. THE A-SELL HOTTIE. 104 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:54,114 IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY MANY, MANY HATERS, I'M PROBABLY, UGH, THAT BITCH. 105 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:57,117 [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THAT'S OKAY. BECAUSE EVEN MY HATERS AREN'T 106 00:11:57,117 --> 00:12:07,360 ENTIRELY WRONG BECAUSE I AM SIMPLY THEE BITRH. THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN ME TWERK, 107 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,362 FLAT-OUT BEING ONE OF THE HOTTEST EMCEES IN THE GAME RIGHT NOW! 108 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:17,404 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN MEETS THE EYE. 109 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:21,608 FOR EXAMPLE, I'M A REALLY GOOD ACTRESS. I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN 110 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:28,748 HORN, BUT I THINK I DO A PRETTY GOOD BRITISH ACCENT. ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT. 111 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:38,992 "PUT ME IN BRITAIN, BITCH." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THOMAS FROM TEXAS L.A. 112 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:44,664 UNIVERSITY. IT'S NOT EASY AND I DID THAT WHILE GOING ON A WORLD TOUR. 113 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:51,338 [ CHEERS ] SO NOW I CAN GO BY ANOTHER NAME. MEGAN THE BITCH THAT NEEDS SOME 114 00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:54,240 SWEETS. I GOT MY DEGREE IN HEALTH ADMINISTRATION BECAUSE I HAVE 115 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,977 ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP THE PEOPLE IN MY COMMUNITY. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS IMPORTANT 116 00:12:57,977 --> 00:13:06,052 TO HAVE A SHARP MIND AND A SHARP BODY YADA YADA YADA. MY WE CAN SITE PROVIDES ACCESS 117 00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:12,459 TO RESOURCES FOR THOSE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL HEALTH. BAD BITCHES HAVE BAD DAYS TOO, 118 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:16,062 HUH? THAT'S A REAL WEBSITE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DOMAIN 119 00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:25,071 WASN'T ALREADY TAKEN. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED, HOTGIRLBUMMER BUT SOMEBODY STOLE 120 00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:27,407 IT. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS, THERE'S 121 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:30,377 SOMETHING I'VE BEEN REALLY WANTING TO SAY. I'VE HAD SOME WINS AND I'VE HAD 122 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:34,814 SOME LOSSES AND I ALWAYS GET MORE WINS. BUT I DO PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING 123 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:38,718 AN OPEN BOOK. SO WITH THAT BEING SAID, I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS A CERTAIN 124 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:48,561 INCIDENT THAT I'M SURE IS ON EVERYBODY'S MIND. NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TOOK 125 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:54,000 THE HOT SAUCE OFF THE MENU. TAKE THAT UP WITH THE POPEYE'S LADY, NOT ME, OKAY? 126 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,371 SERIOUSLY, I DO WANT TO THANK MY FANS, AKA THE HOTTIES. Y'ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME! 127 00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:05,078 Y'ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT 128 00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:12,686 ** 129 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,056 THIS FALL, A NEW MELODRAMA 130 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:25,365 FOR OUR TIMES. IT'S "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL." MA'AM, I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU'RE 131 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,967 IN GOOD HANDS. WHAT'S HER STATUS? 46. 132 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:36,076 FEMALE. MAD AS HELL. OH MY GOD, AND THE FIT? 133 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:42,649 TRASH. I NEED A BBL STAT. 50 CCS AND WHATEVER FASHION 134 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:49,089 MOGUL WE GOT. WHAT'S A BBL? JUST LET MY BABY DIE. 135 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:53,493 NO, MA'AM. YOU GONNA BE A BAD BITCH REAL SOON. 136 00:14:53,493 --> 00:15:00,200 FROM SHONDA RHIMES IT'S "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL." THE STORY OF THREE EVERYDAY 137 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,604 HEROES BLOWING UP THEIR COMMUNITY ONE DUSTY CHICK AT A TIME. 138 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:08,341 OH, GIRL. I GOT TO WORK A DOUBLE TONIGHT. GIRL, I KNOW. 139 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:17,817 I GOT A WEE BOW CHAT FOLLOWED BY A EMERGENCY EVENT. WHO DAT? 140 00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:20,720 WHO DAT? BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT -- I DON'T WANT TO HIGH! 141 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,591 UH-UH. HE'S PLEADING. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. 142 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:29,929 WHO LET YOU IN? NO, NO. WHEN LIFE IS ON THE LINE, 143 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:36,670 THESE ARE THE THREE WOMEN WHO WILL ANSWER THE CALL, SAY SOMETHING RUDE, THEN HANG UP. 144 00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:39,572 HEY, I'M CHARLIE. NEW YORK PRESIDENT BIDEN CARDIOLOGIST. 145 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:47,814 OKAY. BUT WE DON'T DO THAT HERE. WE DO WIGS, CLOTHES. 146 00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:50,984 IF YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE, YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO LOOK AROUND. 147 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:58,825 OKAY, SO WHAT KIND OF HOSPITAL IS THIS, THEN? DRAYMOND GREEN GOT IN TROUBLE 148 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:02,562 FOR PUNCHING HIS TEAMMATE, RIGHT? THE NBA MADE HIM DO COMMUNITY 149 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:11,137 SERVICE. SO BASICALLY, HE FLEW OUT A BUNCH OF IG BADDIES, FILLED A 150 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,641 BUILDING WITH WHEELCHAIRS AND CALLED IT A HOSPITAL. THANK YOU, DRAYMOND! 151 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:23,116 "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CALLS IT, SOMEHOW EMPOWERING AND REGRESSIVE AT THE SAME TIME. 152 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:27,821 AND "VARIETY" SAYS, I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE REVIEWING THIS AS A WHITE GUY. 153 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:32,726 I NEED TO SPEAK TO DR. SIMMONS, IT'S AN EMERGENCY! I AIN'T TALKING TO NO DR. 154 00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:34,928 SIMMONS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE FAKE. WHAT? 155 00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:41,368 CAN I JUST SEE A DOCTOR, PLEASE? YOU CAN SEE HER. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GET HER. 156 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:50,844 NURSE, WHERE'S JANELLE? HUH? SHE FAKE. 157 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,546 SHE GOT TO THINK SHE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY. UH-HUH. 158 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:59,152 CAN YOU JUST PAGE HER, PLEASE? IMAGINE. 159 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:05,892 IMAGINE ME SAYING "PAGING DR. SIMMONS." ALL OF THE DRAMA, NONE OF THE 160 00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:11,498 APPROPRIATE RESPONSE. BECAUSE OF THE "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL," HELP AIN'T ON THE 161 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:14,434 WAY. CALL MY WIFE! AAH! 162 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:18,938 OH NO. HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON. 163 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:25,078 DeJUAN, IS THAT YOU, DeJUAN? HOLD UP. DeJUAN, WHO BE ON OUR DMs EVERY 164 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:30,750 DAY? OH, SNAP, WHAT'S UP? DO YOU KNOW THEM? 165 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:34,454 I NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE. YOU THINK YOU SLICK. 166 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:39,759 UH-UH. COMING HERE WITH YOUR WIFE, HER WATER BROKE. 167 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:46,599 BOY, GET YOUR LAME ASS WRONG. GOOD LUCK TO THAT BABY. AND ON A VERY SPECIAL SEASON 168 00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:52,706 FINALE -- ** WHERE'S MY WIFE? 169 00:17:52,706 --> 00:17:59,746 IS SHE OKAY? OH HO HO! SHE MORE THAN OKAY BABY, SHE 170 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:10,423 BAD. COME ON OUT, GIRL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 171 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:14,494 THANK YOU. YES! UH-HUH! 172 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:19,065 UH-HUH! YOU WORK IT, BITCH! "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL" COMING 173 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:29,676 THIS HOT GIRL FALL. THANK YOU, DRAYMOND! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 174 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:39,853 TAG ALONG * * SHE'S GOING TO SEE SOME PALS SHE HASN'T SEEN IN SO LONG * 175 00:18:39,853 --> 00:18:45,058 * IT'S MY BOYFRIEND'S FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY AND I WAS FREE * * WILL I KNOW PEOPLE THERE HE 176 00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:50,930 SAID YOU'LL KNOW ME * * I SAID I DON'T LOVE STRANGERS BUT I DO LIKE TO DRINK * 177 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:56,169 * EVERYBODY THIS IS PHIL HEY I'M FRIENDS WITH ALEXIS * * THIS IS MY SISTER I FLEW IN 178 00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:59,673 FROM TEXAS * * I FINALLY BROUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND THAT'S ME I'M 179 00:18:59,673 --> 00:19:03,276 HEATHER * * WHERE DID YOU FEET WE ALL GREW UP TOGETHER * 180 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:09,115 * THEY LEAVE US AT THE TABLE AND THEY GO TO A SHOP THEY ASK US SAVE OUR SEATS * 181 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:16,089 * WE SAY SURE WHY NOT * * NOW WE'RE THREE STRANGERS THAT ARE FRIENDS * 182 00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:20,593 * OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH * * WE GOT CAUGHT AND WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER * 183 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:25,832 * WE GOT CAUGHT SO WE ALL HAVE TO SUFFER * * WE ALL WANT TO LEAVE BUT IT'S 184 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:31,905 ONLY 8:00 * * WE GOT CAUGHT * * WE'RE TRYING TO PUSH THROUGH I 185 00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:38,044 ASK WHERE ARE Y'ALL FROM * * AND I COULDN'T THINK OF A SINGLE OTHER QUESTION * 186 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:42,716 * SO I ALSO ASKED WHERE ARE Y'ALL FROM * * WE COVERED THAT. 187 00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:46,553 ANYBODY HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION? OKAY, SO WHAT'S Y'ALL'S 188 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:52,492 TRAUMA? * I MADE MY ESCAPE AND SAY I'M GOING TO THE BEDROOM * 189 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:59,766 * AND THIS CRANKY BITCH SAYS I'LL GO WITH YOU * NO, YOU WON'T. 190 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:06,106 IS SHE LEAVING? * WE'RE WAITING AT THE BAR BUT NO ONE'S COMING BY * 191 00:20:06,106 --> 00:20:10,610 * AND IF THERE'S ONE SECOND OF SILENCE THEN WE'LL BOTH DIE * * 192 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,680 * * I REACH INTO THE DEPTHS OF WHAT I KNOW AND I SAY, DID YOU 193 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:23,757 KNOW THERE'S ONLY BEEN 25 DEATHS AT DISNEYLAND SINCE 1955 * * AND SHE SAID ONLY? 194 00:20:23,757 --> 00:20:27,327 * * WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD IS YOUR APARTMENT IN, SHE SAYS BROOKLYN, 195 00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:31,097 I SAY WHEREABOUTS THIS BROOKLYN * * AND SHE SAYS OH THE SAFE PART 196 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:37,570 WHICH WAS SHOCKING SO I PANICKED AND ALL I COULD SAY WAS * OH, GOOD. 197 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:45,745 I LOVE SAFE PARKS. NO, I SAID THE SOUTH PART. NO! 198 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:55,221 * WE GOT CAUGHT * * YOUR MUTUAL WAS GONE YOUR MUTUAL WAS MISSING * 199 00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:58,958 * YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOUR FRIENDS ARE REMINISCING * * WHERE ARE OUR FRIENDS WHERE 200 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:03,563 HAVE THEY GONE WHY WOULD THEY LEAVE US ALONE * * YOU'RE ALL OUT OF TOPICS AND 201 00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:09,069 THE CONVERSATION'S LAZY * * YOU JUST KEEP ON SAYING THEY'RE CRAZY THEY'RE CRAZY * 202 00:21:09,069 --> 00:21:12,839 * THEY'RE CRAZY NO WAY THEY'RE CRAZY OH CRAZY * THAT'S CRAZY. 203 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:20,080 SO CRAZY. NICE TO MEET YOU, IT'S GETTING LATE. 204 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,116 8:05? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! 205 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:27,721 ANYMORE! * WE GOT CAUGHT ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 206 00:21:32,759 --> 00:21:34,994 GOODNESS. I CAN'T BELIEVE MY DAUGHTER LIVES IN THIS BEAUTIFUL HOUSE. 207 00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:39,599 IT REALLY IS SO COZY. THANKS, EVERYBODY. I KNOW IT'S REMOTE BUT WE LOVE 208 00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:42,535 IT. THE SCHOOLS ARE GREAT IF WE DECIDE TO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY. 209 00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:47,007 ONE DAY? YOU NEED THEM NOW. DAD, STOP. 210 00:21:47,007 --> 00:21:51,011 I WILL NOT STOP. I WILL NEVER STOP ON THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] 211 00:21:51,011 --> 00:21:55,648 WILL YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW? THERE'S A DEER IN YOUR WOODS. OH, REALLY, A DEER? 212 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,784 WHERE IS IT? RIGHT THERE BY THAT PINE TREE. 213 00:21:57,784 --> 00:22:00,820 OH, CUTE. WHERE IS IT? I DON'T SEE IT. 214 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:05,358 IT'S RIGHT BY THE PINE TREE, DAD, LOOK. AWW! 215 00:22:05,358 --> 00:22:09,229 AWW! HE A BIG ONE. OR IS IT A GIRL? 216 00:22:09,229 --> 00:22:13,333 BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE ONE? WHERE IS IT Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT? 217 00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:18,672 BY THE PINE TREE, MR. REYNOLDS. I KNOW WHAT IT'S BY, WHERE IS 218 00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:21,141 IT AT? IT'S RIGHT THERE, DAD. I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR A 219 00:22:21,141 --> 00:22:24,778 DEER. NOW I GOT TO FIND A ROCK? THERE'S TWO BIG ROUND ROCKS, 220 00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:28,715 MR. REYNOLDS. OKAY. DON'T YELL AT ME. 221 00:22:28,715 --> 00:22:32,318 JUST SHOW ME WHERE THE DEER IS. DAD. DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M POINTING? 222 00:22:32,318 --> 00:22:37,123 YES. A ROCK. DAD. 223 00:22:37,123 --> 00:22:43,296 BRING YOUR EYES BY MY HANDS AND FOLLOW THE ART OF THE POINT. YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND. 224 00:22:43,296 --> 00:22:49,769 I DON'T NEED TO SEE IT. DAD. JUST FOLLOW THE ARC OF MY POINT 225 00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:54,274 WITH YOUR EYES TO THE DEER. I SAID IT'S OKAY, I DON'T REALLY CARE. 226 00:22:54,274 --> 00:23:01,181 BUT IT'S RIGHT THERE. JUST MAKE YOUR EYES GO IN MINE WITH THE ANGLE OF MY POINT. 227 00:23:01,181 --> 00:23:09,556 FORGET, I I DON'T NEED TO SEE NO DEER! THERE'S A BLOODY RABBIT 228 00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:14,527 RIDING ON THE BACK OF THE DEER! WHAT? WHERE'S THAT HAPPENING NOW? 229 00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:20,400 [ LAUGHTER ] OH, AND THE BUNNY HAS A TAIL. IF I WANTED TO SEE THAT, 230 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,403 WHERE EXACTLY I WOULD LOOK? IT'S WALKING STRAIGHT TOWARDS US, SEE? 231 00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:26,973 DAD, IMAGINE A LASER COMING FROM MY FINGERS. WHAT? 232 00:23:26,973 --> 00:23:33,913 DO YOU SEE THE THIRD CLOUD ON THE SIDE OF THE SKY? THE SIDE OF THE SKY? 233 00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:38,084 RIGHT THERE AT 12:00. EAST COAST OR WEST COAST TIME? 234 00:23:38,084 --> 00:23:42,222 LOOK, THE DEER'S RIGHT THERE, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. BUT I DON'T, AND I DON'T WANT 235 00:23:42,222 --> 00:23:44,324 TO. SHOOT, I THINK Y'ALL ARE MAKING THIS UP. 236 00:23:44,324 --> 00:23:48,895 ALL RIGHT, DADDY, IT'S OKAY. LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT GREAT OF 237 00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:57,103 A DEER. OH MY GOD, IS THAT THE ONE ON MR. REYNOLDS'S WALK? 238 00:23:57,103 --> 00:23:59,773 I WILL NOT. I HAVE LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE DEER. 239 00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:04,210 IT'S RIGHT THERE WAVING AT US! [ LAUGHTER ] 240 00:24:04,210 --> 00:24:07,714 I DON'T CARE IF IT'S DOING THE MACARENA. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST 241 00:24:07,714 --> 00:24:11,317 TURN AROUND AND YOU'LL SEE IT! OKAY. FINE. 242 00:24:11,317 --> 00:24:18,058 BUT IT BETTER BE THERE. OH! OH! 243 00:24:18,058 --> 00:24:22,429 I'M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE HOUSE DOWN. IT WAS RIGHT THERE, IT JUST 244 00:24:22,429 --> 00:24:25,965 JUMPED DOWN. Y'ALL ARE MESSING WITH ME, JUST LIKE WHEN YOU PULLED MY 245 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:30,270 PANTS DOWN AT THE YANKEE GAME. I DIDN'T PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, THEY WERE LOOSE, THEY FELL 246 00:24:30,270 --> 00:24:32,405 ON THEIR OWN. WHATEVER. EVERYBODY ALWAYS MESSING WITH 247 00:24:32,405 --> 00:24:38,845 ME. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, DEER IN THE HOUSE! 248 00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:42,582 I DON'T WANT TO MEET HER. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT NO DEER. 249 00:24:42,582 --> 00:24:46,119 RIGHT BEHIND YOU! HUGH? WHO IS HUGH? 250 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:52,659 NOT HUGH, YOU. ME, STOP MESSING WITH ME. MR. REYNOLDS, IT'S GOT A 251 00:24:52,659 --> 00:24:58,098 KNIFE! WHAT? [ LAUGHTER ] 252 00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:01,768 OH MY GOD, DADDY, YOU SAVED US! THAT'S RIGHT. 253 00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:05,105 PACK YOUR BAGS, GIRL. YOU'RE MOVING BACK TO THE CITY. OUT HERE FOOLING WITH THESE 254 00:25:05,105 --> 00:25:11,244 DEER. NO. NO, DADDY. 255 00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:18,818 WE LOVE IT OUT HERE. [ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW YOU WORRY ABOUT ME, BUT I 256 00:25:18,818 --> 00:25:23,356 PROMISE WE GOING TO BE OKAY. WELL, I DO WORRY. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. 257 00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:26,893 MAYBE MY BABY GIRL -- OH MY GOD! MR. REYNOLDS, THE DEER'S PULLING 258 00:25:26,893 --> 00:25:34,434 DOWN YOUR PANTS! [ LAUGHTER ] GET HIM OUT, YOU PORNO DEER, 259 00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:38,405 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MESSING WITH ME? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 260 00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:47,313 WELCOME TO THE SHOW! THE TEA IS HOT AND THE BRAS ARE OFF. 261 00:25:47,313 --> 00:25:56,656 IT'S TIME FOR "GIRLS TALK." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M YOUR HOST, MONIQUE MONEY, 262 00:25:56,656 --> 00:26:00,593 MONIQUE PROBLEM. AND THIS IS "GIRL TALK," THE TALK SHOW WHERE LADY TELL ME 263 00:26:00,593 --> 00:26:05,765 THEIR PROBLEMS AND I KEEP MY ADVICE REAL SIMPLE. I'M LIKE A WISE OLD GRANDMA, 264 00:26:05,765 --> 00:26:11,338 EXCEPT I STILL LOOK GOOD. Y'ALL WANT TO KNOW MY MEASUREMENTS? 265 00:26:11,338 --> 00:26:17,344 MAYBE? AS ALWAYS, WE GOT WILLIE IN THE DEEJAY BOOTH. 266 00:26:17,344 --> 00:26:20,680 I LOVE LIFE. I GOT TWO GIRLFRIENDS. THEY KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER. 267 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:25,719 AND THEY BOTH COOL WITH IT. [ LAUGHTER ] I'M STRONG AND I'M HAPPY. 268 00:26:25,719 --> 00:26:28,455 OKAY. GOOD FOR YOU, DEEJAY WILLIE. THANK YOU. 269 00:26:28,455 --> 00:26:32,926 HEY, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED WITH OUR FIRST GUEST. 270 00:26:32,926 --> 00:26:43,536 PLEASE WELCOME STACY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AH, UH-HUH. 271 00:26:43,536 --> 00:26:47,107 HOW YOU DOING? HI, STACY. TALK TO ME, WHAT'S GOING ON 272 00:26:47,107 --> 00:26:50,610 WITH YOU? OKAY, WELL, HERE'S MY PROBLEM. 273 00:26:50,610 --> 00:26:55,982 MY BOYFRIEND OF FOUR YEARS JUST ASKED ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM. BUT I RECENTLY CAUGHT HIM 274 00:26:55,982 --> 00:27:05,258 CHEATING. WHAT SHOULD I DO? GIRL -- GIRL -- 275 00:27:05,258 --> 00:27:14,467 [ LAUGHTER ] GIRL. [ LAUGHTER ] 276 00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:19,406 GIRLIE POP. [ LAUGHTER ] GIRL. 277 00:27:19,406 --> 00:27:32,585 [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT. 278 00:27:32,585 --> 00:27:36,756 I'M GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIS ASS. UH-HUH, THERE SHE IS, Y'ALL. 279 00:27:36,756 --> 00:27:42,929 COME ON, GIVE IT UP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OKAY ON, LET'S GO AHEAD AND 280 00:27:42,929 --> 00:27:49,969 BRING OUT OUR NEXT GUEST. PLEASE WELCOME KIM. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 281 00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:54,074 NICE TO MEET YOU. HI, KIM, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? 282 00:27:54,074 --> 00:27:59,312 OH MY GOD, EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON WITH THE WORLD. IT'S LIKE STRESSING ME OUT. 283 00:27:59,312 --> 00:28:04,117 MY ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. YOU KNOW? JUST SOUNDS LIKE IT'S ABOUT TO 284 00:28:04,117 --> 00:28:10,457 BE COMPLEX. SO WHY DON'T WE GET OUR SUBTITLES ON FOR ANY WHITE 285 00:28:10,457 --> 00:28:19,332 PEOPLE OR MEN TUNING IN? GO AHEAD, KIM. GIRL. 286 00:28:19,332 --> 00:28:26,606 GIRL. [ LAUGHTER ] OH, GIRL. 287 00:28:26,606 --> 00:28:38,351 GIRL! [ LAUGHTER ] GIRL. 288 00:28:38,351 --> 00:28:51,097 GIRL? GIRL-LA. [ LAUGHTER ] 289 00:28:51,097 --> 00:28:55,602 WOW, WOW. OKAY, STACY KNOWS HER STUFF. DOES SHE KNOW HER STUFF OR WHAT? 290 00:28:55,602 --> 00:29:02,075 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WILL BE HONEST, THAT JUST GOT A LITTLE TOO REAL FOR ME. 291 00:29:02,075 --> 00:29:05,712 WHY DON'T YOU PICK US BACK UP, DEEJAY WILLIE. OH, MAN. 292 00:29:05,712 --> 00:29:10,850 I LOVE MY LIFE, YOU KNOW? MY CLOTHES ARE AWESOME. I GOT A COOL CAR. 293 00:29:10,850 --> 00:29:14,854 I WAKE UP LAUGHING EVERY MORNING. BECAUSE MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN 294 00:29:14,854 --> 00:29:19,025 MY DREAMS. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, DEEJAY WILLIE. 295 00:29:19,025 --> 00:29:24,431 MAN, THANK YOU. OKAY. LET'S GO AHEAD AND BRING OUT OUR 296 00:29:24,431 --> 00:29:36,443 FINAL GUEST. PAUL, COME ON OUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 297 00:29:36,443 --> 00:29:38,778 [ LAUGHTER ] SO PAUL, WHAT'S UP, WHY ARE YOU HERE? 298 00:29:38,778 --> 00:29:42,048 UH, WELL, I THOUGHT ANYONE COULD COME ON. [ LAUGHTER ] 299 00:29:42,048 --> 00:29:46,853 THEY CAN. OKAY. SO MY ISSUE IS THIS. 300 00:29:46,853 --> 00:29:53,059 I'VE GOT A GREAT JOB. BUT I'M WORRIED IF I DON'T QUIT NOW, I'LL NEVER PURSUE MY REAL 301 00:29:53,059 --> 00:29:55,495 PASSION, DRAWING. WHAT SHOULD I DO? MM. 302 00:29:55,495 --> 00:30:07,273 GIRL. UH-HUH, YEAH. GIRL. 303 00:30:07,273 --> 00:30:11,411 UH, OKAY. SO QUIT MY JOB? OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE 304 00:30:11,411 --> 00:30:14,681 NOT GETTING IT. STACY, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE BOYFRIEND. 305 00:30:14,681 --> 00:30:23,990 WHY DON'T YOU HELP US OUT, YEAH? I GOT THIS. [ LAUGHTER ] 306 00:30:23,990 --> 00:30:30,497 GIRL. OH, YEAH! YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE. 307 00:30:30,497 --> 00:30:33,133 [ LAUGHTER ] I SHOULD QUIT DRAWING BECAUSE I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT IT. 308 00:30:33,133 --> 00:30:38,805 UH-HUH, THERE WE GO, BOOM! WOW. YOU'RE THE BEST. 309 00:30:38,805 --> 00:30:43,276 SO I GUESS INSTEAD OF SAYING THANK YOU I'LL TAKE A PAGE OUT OF YOUR BOOK AND SAY GIRL! 310 00:30:43,276 --> 00:30:48,481 [ BUZZER ] NO. NO WAY. 311 00:30:48,481 --> 00:30:51,117 WOW. YOU KNOW WHAT -- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S OUR SHOW. 312 00:30:51,117 --> 00:31:00,193 PLACE MY SONG, DEEJAY WILLIE. ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 313 00:31:10,303 --> 00:31:15,175 MAN, I HAVE BEEN FEELING GOOD LATELY. JUST HEALTHY, WHOLE. 314 00:31:15,175 --> 00:31:21,815 I'VE BEEN FEELING FUEGO. LOOKING FUEGO TOO. IT'S IMPORTANT AS WE GET 315 00:31:21,815 --> 00:31:24,684 OLDER WE START TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES. WELLNESS, IT'S SO IMPORTANT. 316 00:31:24,684 --> 00:31:29,422 MY BIG THING I'M TRYING TO CRACK IS MY SCREEN TIME. RIGHT NOW I'M UP TO 23 1/2 HOURS 317 00:31:29,422 --> 00:31:31,991 A DAY. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'VE GOT TO DO BETTER. 318 00:31:31,991 --> 00:31:34,694 THAT'S NOT GREAT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE. 319 00:31:34,694 --> 00:31:38,465 HAVE YOU HEARD OF INTERMITTENT FASTING? YEAH, ARE YOU DOING THAT? 320 00:31:38,465 --> 00:31:42,969 NO, INTERMITTENT SLEEPING. TUESDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, THURSDAYS I'M NOT SLEEPING. 321 00:31:42,969 --> 00:31:46,873 IS IT WORKING? NOT YET. I'VE GOT THIS POST-WORKOUT 322 00:31:46,873 --> 00:31:51,478 SMOOTHIE I'VE BEEN LOVING. WHAT'S IN IT? MILK, ICE CREAM, CHOCOLATE 323 00:31:51,478 --> 00:31:54,748 SAUCE. A MILKSHAKE? YEAH, A MILKSHAKE, WHY? 324 00:31:54,748 --> 00:31:57,617 WHAT DID I SAY? WE'RE DOING SO WELL. WHAT'S UP? 325 00:31:57,617 --> 00:32:00,653 FEELING KIND OF MISERABLE. HOW MISERABLE? THE WORST. 326 00:32:00,653 --> 00:32:05,058 I'M ON A NEW MEDICATION. THAT'S GREAT. IT'S LIKE ZOLOFT BUT JUST THE 327 00:32:05,058 --> 00:32:07,861 SIDE EFFECTS. [ LAUGHTER ] HUH. 328 00:32:07,861 --> 00:32:11,264 VERY DEPRESSED BUT MY PENIS IS BROKEN. THAT SUCKS. 329 00:32:11,264 --> 00:32:16,569 I SIGNED UP FOR A NEW GYM. IT'S CALLED CIGARETTE FITNESS. [ LAUGHTER ] 330 00:32:16,569 --> 00:32:21,207 OH MY GOSH, A SMOKING GYM? A SMOKING GYM, THAT'S RIGHT. DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN 331 00:32:21,207 --> 00:32:25,745 BLEAT MONEY FROM YOUR BANK ACCOUNT? GOD, WE ARE DOING SO WELL 332 00:32:25,745 --> 00:32:30,083 RIGHT NOW. TOTALLY, WE'RE SLIPPING AWAY. EVER SINCE THE PANDEMIC, THE 333 00:32:30,083 --> 00:32:34,988 LIGHT KEEPS GETTING DIMMER. DIMMER, FADING, YEAH. I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DANCE. 334 00:32:34,988 --> 00:32:39,859 REMEMBER DANCING? NO. IT WAS LIKE -- 335 00:32:39,859 --> 00:32:43,463 I DON'T KNOW WHY WE EVER DID THAT. OH, I'VE BEEN SEEING A 336 00:32:43,463 --> 00:32:45,532 THERAPIST. REALLY? LIKE ALL OVER THE PLACE. 337 00:32:45,532 --> 00:32:50,136 I DON'T THINK SHE'S REALLY THERE. OH, LIKE A HALLUCINATION? 338 00:32:50,136 --> 00:32:54,941 I'M TRYING TO KICK ALL MY BAD HABITS. I'VE GOT TO STOP GRINDING MY 339 00:32:54,941 --> 00:32:57,510 TEETH. OH! OH! 340 00:32:57,510 --> 00:33:03,083 YOU LOOK LIKE GOLLUM. THE DAY I GO TO THE PARK, TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND 341 00:33:03,083 --> 00:33:05,752 START SCREAMING ABOUT HOW THERE'S TOO MANY WIRES IN THE WORLD. 342 00:33:05,752 --> 00:33:09,322 ONE DAY IS ALL WE ASK. * JUST ONE DAY * HA HA HA! 343 00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:18,431 HA HA HA! WELLNESS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ORAL-B MOUTH GUARD. 344 00:33:18,431 --> 00:33:20,066 [ EERS A 345 00:33:26,439 --> 00:33:31,811 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEGAN THEE STALLION. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 346 00:33:31,811 --> 00:33:44,391 ** ** * I'M A BAD 347 00:33:44,391 --> 00:33:46,393 AND I GOT BAD ANXIETY PEOPLE CALL ME RUDE CAUSE I AIN'T * 348 00:33:46,393 --> 00:33:48,895 * LETTIN EM TRY ME SAYIN I'M A -- CAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH MY BODY 349 00:33:48,895 --> 00:33:52,132 ISSUES BUT NOBODY * * I COULD TALK TO ABOUT IT THEY KEEP SAYIN 350 00:33:52,132 --> 00:33:54,634 I SHOULD GET HELP BUT I DON'T EVEN * * KNOW WHAT I NEED 351 00:33:54,634 --> 00:33:57,137 THEY KEEP SAYIN SPEAK YOUR TRUTH AND AT THE SAME TIME * 352 00:33:57,137 --> 00:33:59,906 * SAY THEY DON'T BELIEVE MAN EXCUSE ME WHILE I GET INTO MY FEELINGS FOR A SECOND 353 00:33:59,906 --> 00:34:02,876 USUALLY I KEEP IT DOWN * * BUT TODAY I GOTTA TELL IT NOT THAT ANYBODY 354 00:34:02,876 --> 00:34:06,146 GIVES A -- ANYWAY BUT EVERYBODY TALKIN -- * * PROBABLY SUCKS ANYWAY 355 00:34:06,146 --> 00:34:08,882 Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL I DON'T EVEN KNOW * 356 00:34:08,882 --> 00:34:11,384 * HOW I DEAL TODAY I REALLY HATE EVERYBODY 357 00:34:11,384 --> 00:34:14,120 AND THAT'S JUST ME * * BEIN REAL YEAH MONDAY TUESDAY 358 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:17,123 WEDNESDAY THURSDAY BAD -- HAVE * * BAD DAYS TOO 359 00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:19,359 FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY JUMP IN HOP IN * 360 00:34:19,359 --> 00:34:22,128 * HAUL AWAY TO ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY 361 00:34:22,128 --> 00:34:24,631 BOUNCE BACK CAUSE * * A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS 362 00:34:24,631 --> 00:34:26,900 ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY * * BOUNCE BACK CAUSE 363 00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:29,135 A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS IF I COULD WRITE * 364 00:34:29,135 --> 00:34:31,104 * A LETTER TO HEAVEN I WOULD TELL MY MAMA THAT I SHOULDA 365 00:34:31,104 --> 00:34:33,673 BEEN LISTENIN * * AND I WOULD TELL HER SORRY THAT I REALLY BEEN WILDIN 366 00:34:33,673 --> 00:34:36,142 AND ASK HER TO FORGIVE ME CAUSE I REALLY BEEN TRYIN * * AND I WOULD ASK PLEASE 367 00:34:36,142 --> 00:34:38,878 SHOW ME WHO BEEN REAL AND GET EM FROM AROUND ME IF THEY ALL BEEN FAKE * 368 00:34:38,878 --> 00:34:41,881 * IT'S CRAZY HOW I SAY THE SAME PRAYERS TO THE LORD 369 00:34:41,881 --> 00:34:44,150 AND ALWAYS GET SURPRISED * * ABOUT WHO HE TAKE MAN I'M REALLY 370 00:34:44,150 --> 00:34:46,653 THINKIN BOUT DIALIN 9-1-1 TIL I FREAK * * CAUSE THEY PROBABLY 371 00:34:46,653 --> 00:34:48,888 WON'T THINK IT'S THAT DEEP AND I DON'T DO DRUGS SO I NEVER GET A TIME * 372 00:34:48,888 --> 00:34:51,124 * WHEN I'M AT EASE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE SMOKIN WEED MARILYN MONROE * 373 00:34:51,124 --> 00:34:55,395 * MY FAVORITE -- MY FAVORITE BAD I THINK SHE THE GOAT 374 00:34:55,395 --> 00:34:58,131 JAMMIN TO BRITNEY * * SINGIN TO WHITNEY I JUST WAN TALK TO 375 00:34:58,131 --> 00:35:00,400 SOMEBODY THAT GET ME YEAH MONDAY TUESDAY * * WEDNESDAY THURSDAY 376 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:03,136 BAD -- HAVE BAD DAYS TOO FRIDAY SATURDAY * 377 00:35:03,136 --> 00:35:05,372 * SUNDAY BOUNCE BACK HOP IN 378 00:35:05,372 --> 00:35:07,640 HAUL AWAY TO * * ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY 379 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:10,110 BOUNCE BACK CAUSE A BAD -- CAN * * HAVE BAD DAYS 380 00:35:10,110 --> 00:35:12,145 ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY BOUNCE BACK CAUSE * 381 00:35:12,145 --> 00:35:14,381 * A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS MONDAY TUESDAY 382 00:35:14,381 --> 00:35:16,616 WEDNESDAY THURSDAY * * BAD -- HAVE BAD DAYS TOO 383 00:35:16,616 --> 00:35:19,386 FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY BOUNCE BACK * * HOP IN 384 00:35:19,386 --> 00:35:22,355 HAUL AWAY TO ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS IT'LL BE OKAY * 385 00:35:22,355 --> 00:35:24,657 * BOUNCE BACK CAUSE A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS 386 00:35:24,657 --> 00:35:26,860 ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS * * IT'LL BE OKAY BOUNCE BACK CAUSE 387 00:35:26,860 --> 00:35:31,364 A BAD -- CAN HAVE BAD DAYS * ** 388 00:35:31,364 --> 00:35:46,212 ** ** ** 389 00:35:46,212 --> 00:35:55,789 ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 390 00:36:11,037 --> 00:36:16,476 THANK, GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. 391 00:36:16,476 --> 00:36:21,047 I'M COLIN JOST. [ CHEERS ] AFTER THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE 392 00:36:21,047 --> 00:36:27,320 SUBPOENAED DONALD TRUMP, TRUMP RESPONDED WITH A 14-PAGE LETTER. 14 PAGES, OKAY, UNABOMBER. 393 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,857 [ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A COINCIDENCE BUT TRUMP WROTE THE 394 00:36:30,857 --> 00:36:35,328 LETTER ON THE SAME DAY THE FDA CONFIRMED THE NATION IS EXPERIENCING A SHORTAGE OF 395 00:36:35,328 --> 00:36:37,464 ADDERALL. [ LAUGHTER ] AND I JUST KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE 396 00:36:37,464 --> 00:36:43,069 IN COLLEGE, ANY TIME I WROTE A 14-PAGE PAPER THIS ONE NIGHT, I'D ALSO TAKEN A DISTURBING 397 00:36:43,069 --> 00:36:47,941 AMOUNT OF ADDERALL. MY FAVORITE PART OF TRUMP'S LETTER IS THE BEGINNING BECAUSE 398 00:36:47,941 --> 00:36:52,178 IT'S ON REALLY NICE LETTERHEAD, IT STARTS "DEAR CHAIRMAN THOMPSON." 399 00:36:52,178 --> 00:36:55,281 THE FIRST LINE IS JUST SCREAMING. [ LAUGHTER ] 400 00:36:55,281 --> 00:37:03,256 IT'S LIKE READING A VICTORIAN LOVE LETTER THAT SAYS, "MY BELOVED WINIFRED, WHO THE HELL 401 00:37:03,256 --> 00:37:06,726 ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH?" [ LAUGHTER ] THE COMMITTEE SHOWED A NEVER 402 00:37:06,726 --> 00:37:11,031 BEFORE SEEN VIDEO OF JANUARY 6th OF A DESPERATE NANCY PELOSI SPEAKING ON THE PHONE WITH MIKE 403 00:37:11,031 --> 00:37:14,768 PENCE, WHICH TO PENCE COUNTS AS ADULTERY. [ LAUGHTER ] 404 00:37:14,768 --> 00:37:21,241 IN THE VIDEO, PELOSI SAID THAT SHE WANTED TO PUNCH OUT DONALD TRUMP AND KNEW IF SHE DID, SHE'D 405 00:37:21,241 --> 00:37:26,046 GO TO JAIL AND BE HAPPY. I ASSUME BECAUSE SHE OWNS STOCK IN PRIVATE PRISONS. 406 00:37:26,046 --> 00:37:31,151 [ LAUGHTER ] [ MOANS ] DURING LAST NIGHT'S GEORGIA 407 00:37:31,151 --> 00:37:35,922 SENATE DEBATE, RAPHAEL WARNOCK ACCUSED HERSCHEL WALKER OF LYING ABOUT WORKING IN LAW 408 00:37:35,922 --> 00:37:43,463 ENFORCEMENT, THEN WALKER PULLED OUT A PROP BADGE AND SAID, QUOTE, I AM WORK WITH MANY 409 00:37:43,463 --> 00:37:46,533 POLICE OFFICERS. YET ANOTHER SIGN THAT HERSCHEL WALKER IS HAS BRAIN PROBLEMS. 410 00:37:46,533 --> 00:37:55,709 [ LAUGHTER ] SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE WATCHING SOMEONE GET 411 00:37:55,709 --> 00:38:02,549 INJURED AT THE SPECIAL LICKS -- [ LAUGHTER ] SPECIAL OLYMPICS -- 412 00:38:02,549 --> 00:38:09,756 [ LAUGHTER ] SAID THAT HE IS NOT CONCERNED WITH THREATS DONALD TRUMP MAKES 413 00:38:09,756 --> 00:38:15,829 AT HIS RALLIES TO REMOVE HIM AS SENATE MINORITY LEADER. McCONNELL SAID THE THREATS MAKE 414 00:38:15,829 --> 00:38:27,540 HIM LAUGH HARDER THAN HIS FAVORITE COMEDY SHOW "DAHMER." KANYE WEST'S ANTI-SEMITIC 415 00:38:27,540 --> 00:38:35,715 TWEETS WERE CONDEMNED BY -- JUST SAY LENNY KRAVITZ. AFTER UNHINGED SOCIAL MEDIA 416 00:38:35,715 --> 00:38:39,719 POSTS, ELON MUSK TWEETED, TALKED TO YE. EXPRESSED CONCERNS ABOUT 417 00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:43,156 RECENT TWEET WHICH I THINK HE TOOK TO HEART. WELL THAT SETTLES IT. 418 00:38:43,156 --> 00:38:47,460 [ LAUGHTER ] IF THERE'S ONE THING WE TRUST ELON WITH, IT'S SUCCESSFULLY 419 00:38:47,460 --> 00:38:52,165 READING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING'S EMOTIONAL CUES. [ LAUGHTER ] 420 00:38:52,165 --> 00:38:58,405 [ LAUGHTER ] A FACEBOOK POST URGING MOMS TO AVOID DISNEY'S REBOOT OF 421 00:38:58,405 --> 00:39:03,843 "HOCUS POCUS" WENT VIRAL. HERE TO DISCUSS IT ARE TWO MOTHERS FROM TEXAS, DEBBIE HULL 422 00:39:03,843 --> 00:39:11,051 AND STACY BUSEY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MICHAEL CHE! 423 00:39:11,051 --> 00:39:16,022 WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT "HOCUS POCUS"? A BUNCH OF WITCHES HARVESTING 424 00:39:16,022 --> 00:39:21,327 CHILDREN? RUNNING AMOK? OH, SNACKING ON MY KIDS? 425 00:39:21,327 --> 00:39:26,199 NOT UNDER MY HOUSE. THIS IS A KIDS' MOVIE. WE DON'T NEED A MOVIE WHERE 426 00:39:26,199 --> 00:39:31,438 KIDS' SOULS ARE GETTING SUCKED OFF. [ LAUGHTER ] 427 00:39:31,438 --> 00:39:35,842 WE DON'T, WE DON'T! WE DON'T NEED TO SEE BETTE MIDLER WEARING BIG OLD TEETH. 428 00:39:35,842 --> 00:39:42,215 IT'S SATANIC. IT'S GOING TO UNLEASH HELL. IMAGINE THAT, IMAGINE THAT. 429 00:39:42,215 --> 00:39:47,821 YOU'RE HOME -- WITH HELL IN IT! SATAN WALKING AROUND, ERECT. 430 00:39:47,821 --> 00:39:53,126 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? [ LAUGHTER ] IS IT MICHAEL CHE IN YOUR 431 00:39:53,126 --> 00:39:55,662 LIVING ROOM? HARD AS A ROCK? [ LAUGHTER ] 432 00:39:55,662 --> 00:40:00,333 NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT. DEBBIE HOLE. 433 00:40:00,333 --> 00:40:06,539 AREN'T KIDS MISSING OUT ON FUN PARTS OF THE HALLOWEEN? THERE'S NOTHING FUN ABOUT 434 00:40:06,539 --> 00:40:08,675 HALLOWEEN. CANDY? SATANIC. 435 00:40:08,675 --> 00:40:13,513 WHAT CANDY IS SATANIC? SOUR PATCHES. THINK ABOUT IT. 436 00:40:13,513 --> 00:40:17,484 KIDS MAKING A BUNCH OF ARMIE HAMMERS. OH, OH. 437 00:40:17,484 --> 00:40:22,622 AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON SKEET HOLES. OKAY, I WON'T. 438 00:40:22,622 --> 00:40:25,592 YOU GOT HER STARTED. RIGHT. GOT HER STARTED. 439 00:40:25,592 --> 00:40:29,396 TASTE THE RAINBOW? DEMONIC. I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, ANY 440 00:40:29,396 --> 00:40:32,532 VENDING MACHINE WITH A SKITTLE IN IT, THAT'S A WORMHOLE FOR THE DEVIL. 441 00:40:32,532 --> 00:40:42,008 [ LAUGHTER ] EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPER? SUCK TILL I'M DEAD? 442 00:40:42,008 --> 00:40:43,410 NO. NO. [ LAUGHTER ] 443 00:40:43,410 --> 00:40:49,082 YOU GUYS ARE JUST CRAZY. CRAZY ABOUT FAMILY, CHURCH, AND LAUGHTER. 444 00:40:49,082 --> 00:40:52,619 [ LAUGHTER ] ME, TOO! EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS MAJORS 445 00:40:52,619 --> 00:40:58,024 ME NERVOUS. YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH LONG ENOUGH, A DEMON WILL SWOOP IN IT. 446 00:40:58,024 --> 00:41:03,063 WHAT DID I SAY? YOU ALL RIGHT? NO. 447 00:41:03,063 --> 00:41:11,805 NO, SHE'S NOT. SHE'S GOT A DEMACHINE IN HER, PROBABLY CAUGHT IT HERE IN 448 00:41:11,805 --> 00:41:14,708 S-N-HELL. DEBBIE, DEBBIE. DEBBIE. 449 00:41:14,708 --> 00:41:20,113 WE SOLD A LOT OF LEGGINGS TO BE HERE, GIRL. [ LAUGHTER ] 450 00:41:20,113 --> 00:41:27,087 IF A BUNCH OF RATS COME IN HERE AND START BUILDING YOU A THRONE, I AM LEAVING NEW YORK. 451 00:41:27,087 --> 00:41:33,860 DEMON, DEMON! DEMON! PUT A COLLAR ON SATAN AND TAKE 452 00:41:33,860 --> 00:41:41,768 HIM BACK TO HELL. CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME, DEBBIE 453 00:41:41,768 --> 00:41:52,979 K. HOLE? AND I'M BACK! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 454 00:41:52,979 --> 00:42:01,855 THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT FUN, I'M NOT GONNA LIE. IN CONCLUSION, SAY NO TO "HOCUS 455 00:42:01,855 --> 00:42:08,828 POCUS" AND WE'LL ALL GO. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE GOT TICKETS TO WICKED 456 00:42:08,828 --> 00:42:19,539 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] A POPULAR PELOTON INSTRUCTOR IS SUING THE COMPANY FOR NEARLY 457 00:42:19,539 --> 00:42:23,910 $2 MILLION ALLEGING THAT AN EXECUTIVE MOCKED HIM FOR BEING IRISH. 458 00:42:23,910 --> 00:42:28,281 IN RESPONSE THE EXECUTIVE COUNTER SUED HIM FOR ALL THE TREASURE IN HIS POT OF GOLD. 459 00:42:28,281 --> 00:42:38,692 [ LAUGHTER ] MANHATTAN CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE MIKE IPKUS STARRED IN 460 00:42:38,692 --> 00:42:43,363 HIS OWN SEX TAPE IN AN EFFORT TO PUBLICIZE HIS CAMPAIGN. I'M GOING TO VOTE FOR HIM, 461 00:42:43,363 --> 00:42:46,666 BECAUSE I WATCHED THAT VIDEO AND WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME POSITIONS. 462 00:42:46,666 --> 00:42:54,107 [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] THURSDAY WAS NATIONAL NO BRA DAY, WHICH I CELEBRATED BY NOT 463 00:42:54,107 --> 00:43:03,216 SUPPORTING WOMEN. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A BRA JOKE. 464 00:43:03,216 --> 00:43:07,921 A UNITED AIRLINES PASSENGER WHO WAS HIGH ON MUSHROOMS ASSAULTED TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. 465 00:43:07,921 --> 00:43:14,060 WHILE AT SPIRIT AIRLINES, BATH SALTS ARE THE IN-FLIGHT SNACK. [ LAUGHTER ] 466 00:43:14,060 --> 00:43:19,532 PEBBLES, WHO WAS THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING DOG, DIED AT THE AGE OF 22. 467 00:43:19,532 --> 00:43:24,871 BUT IT'S OKAY. HIS OWNERS KNEW THIS WAS COMING. IF THEY DIDN'T KEEP HIM OFF MY 468 00:43:24,871 --> 00:43:32,645 YARD. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] SOME PARENTS IN OREGON ARE 469 00:43:32,645 --> 00:43:37,384 HAVING LARGE GROUPS OF THEIR CHILDREN RIDE THEIR BIKES TO SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME IN A 470 00:43:37,384 --> 00:43:42,088 FORMATION THEY'RE CALLING A BIKE BUS. AND PEDOPHILES ARE CALLING A 471 00:43:42,088 --> 00:43:49,129 BUFFET. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] RESEARCHERS SAY THE NUMBER 472 00:43:49,129 --> 00:43:54,000 OF GRAY WHALES OFF WESTERN NORTH AMERICA HAS CONTINUED TO DECLINE FOR SEVERAL YEARS. 473 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:59,005 IT'S A SAD FACT THAT MAKES ME WONDER IF WHALE OIL IS REALLY THE BEST WAY TO GIVE MY HAIR 474 00:43:59,005 --> 00:44:04,844 THIS AMAZING VOLUME. [ LAUGHTER ] A GROWING NUMBER OF NFL 475 00:44:04,844 --> 00:44:10,116 PLAYERS ARE FILLING UP THEIR OFF TIME BY PLAYING CHESS WITH EACH OTHER. 476 00:44:10,116 --> 00:44:15,488 AND ALSO, LET'S SEE HERE -- DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. [ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ] 477 00:44:15,488 --> 00:44:19,092 HOW THEY'RE SPENDING THEIR TIME, COLIN. A VIDEO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A 478 00:44:19,092 --> 00:44:25,665 DOCTOR REMOVING NEARLY TWO DOZEN CONTACT LENSES FROM A WOMAN'S EYE THAT SHE HAD FORGOTTEN WERE 479 00:44:25,665 --> 00:44:29,069 IN THERE. YOU KNOW YOU MESSED UP WHEN YOUR DOCTOR IS LIKE, "HEY, CAN I FILM 480 00:44:29,069 --> 00:44:33,540 THIS?" [ LAUGHTER ] A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT 481 00:44:33,540 --> 00:44:38,078 THE BENEFITS OF PREVENTIVE COLONOSCOPIES MAY BE OVERESTIMATED. 482 00:44:38,078 --> 00:44:42,982 BUT THE PLEASURES ARE UNDENIABLE. [ LAUGHTER ] 483 00:44:42,982 --> 00:44:49,289 BORDER OFFICIALS HAVE DISCOVERED $400,000 WORTH OF METH HIDDEN INSIDE PUMPKINS. 484 00:44:49,289 --> 00:44:53,159 THEY COULD TELL THE PUMPKINS WERE FULL OF METH BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD THREE TEETH LEFT. 485 00:44:53,159 --> 00:44:59,132 [ LAUGHTER ] [ LAUGHTER ] THINGS ARE GOING WELL, HERE 486 00:44:59,132 --> 00:45:03,470 TO TALK ABOUT HOW HE'S ADJUSTING IS OUR NEW CAST MEMBER DEVON WALKER. 487 00:45:03,470 --> 00:45:17,350 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, CHE. ANY TIME, MAN. 488 00:45:17,350 --> 00:45:20,353 HOW'S THIS WHOSE EXPERIENCE BEEN FOR YOU? YOU DIGGING NEW YORK? 489 00:45:20,353 --> 00:45:24,290 NOT REALLY. IF I'M BEING HONEST, I THINK NEW YORK'S A LITTLE OVERRATED. 490 00:45:24,290 --> 00:45:26,793 WOW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM? I'M FROM TEXAS. 491 00:45:26,793 --> 00:45:32,966 OH. [ CHEERS ] YEAH, I MEAN, HONESTLY -- 492 00:45:32,966 --> 00:45:37,404 DON'T DO THAT, DON'T DO THAT. I HATE HOW NEW YORKERS TALK ABOUT WHERE I'M FROM. 493 00:45:37,404 --> 00:45:42,175 EVERY TIME I TELL A NEW YORKER I'M FROM TEXAS, THEY APOLOGIZE TO ME LIKE I FOUGHT IN A WAR. 494 00:45:42,175 --> 00:45:46,279 EVERY TIME, OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU. TOUCH LIKE THAT. 495 00:45:46,279 --> 00:45:51,084 TEXAS ISN'T A PERFECT PLACE BUT EVERY TIME I STEP OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT IN NEW YORK, I SEE THE 496 00:45:51,084 --> 00:45:54,721 WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. [ LAUGHTER ] 497 00:45:54,721 --> 00:45:57,090 THAT'S A NORMAL THING TO SEE, ALL RIGHT? LIKE ONE TIME I SAW A KID GET 498 00:45:57,090 --> 00:46:00,560 INTO A FISTFIGHT WITH A BIRD. [ LAUGHTER ] AND THE BIRD WAS WINNING. 499 00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:09,035 [ LAUGHTER ] I TOLD MY HOMIE HE WAS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD, "OH, THAT'S JUST 500 00:46:09,035 --> 00:46:11,705 MIKE." THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS TALKING 501 00:46:11,705 --> 00:46:16,042 ABOUT THE KID OR THE BIRD. YOU SAW THAT IN TEXAS, THEY'D SHUT TEXAS DOWN FOR. 502 00:46:16,042 --> 00:46:21,781 NOBODY WOULD GO TO SCHOOL OR ANYTHING, THEY'D HANG OUT AT HOME UNTIL THE VIBES GOT RIGHT 503 00:46:21,781 --> 00:46:23,817 AGAIN. I'M SURE YOU'LL START TO FIT IN. 504 00:46:23,817 --> 00:46:26,052 CAN I ASK THE AUDIENCE A QUESTION? OKAY. 505 00:46:26,052 --> 00:46:32,359 HEY, GUYS. Y'ALL THINK I LOOK LIKE A CATCALLER? 506 00:46:32,359 --> 00:46:35,061 YEAH! NO! I DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE 507 00:46:35,061 --> 00:46:40,533 ONE. BUT EVER SINCE I MOVED HERE, EVERY TIME I SEE A DUDE DOING A 508 00:46:40,533 --> 00:46:44,437 CATCALL, WE HAVE ON THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT. [ LAUGHTER ] 509 00:46:44,437 --> 00:46:49,142 SOMETIMES I PASS WOMEN ON THE STREET, THEY GO LIKE THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] 510 00:46:49,142 --> 00:46:52,545 I KNOW WHY IT HAPPENS. I'M A LARGE MAN. LARGE MEN BE RESPONSIBLE FOR A 511 00:46:52,545 --> 00:46:55,215 LOT OF THE BAD THINGS HISTORICALLY. BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE 512 00:46:55,215 --> 00:47:00,153 OUT HOW TO COMMUNICATE TO THESE WOMEN I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WEIRD, SO ANY TIME ONE 513 00:47:00,153 --> 00:47:05,859 TRIES TO AVOID ME, I'VE BEEN "HEY, BABY GIRL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I'M REGULAR." 514 00:47:05,859 --> 00:47:09,362 [ LAUGHTER ] WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? I DON'T KNOW, MY BODY'S BIG, 515 00:47:09,362 --> 00:47:13,767 I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY VOICE LITTLE. YOU MIGHT BE OVERTHINKING IT. 516 00:47:13,767 --> 00:47:17,604 I DON'T THINK I AM. WATCH THIS. HEY, REAL QUICK, WHERE ARE MY 517 00:47:17,604 --> 00:47:25,245 STRAIGHT BOYS AT? [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, MORALE IS REAL LOW RIGHT 518 00:47:25,245 --> 00:47:32,652 NOW, ALL RIGHT? ODD TO ASK THAT QUESTION IN 19 THINGS, THE BUILDING WOULD HAVE 519 00:47:32,652 --> 00:47:36,122 EXPLODED. 30 ROCK WOULD BE GONE BECAUSE THE HETERO BOYS BROUGHT IT DOWN. 520 00:47:36,122 --> 00:47:39,826 WE GET A LOT OF BAD PRESS RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF BAD PRESS. 521 00:47:39,826 --> 00:47:42,929 I THINK WE CAN CHANGE IT. I THINK CULTURE SHIFT, THAT'S WHAT WE NEED. 522 00:47:42,929 --> 00:47:47,901 I THINK ALL OF US NEED TO TRY TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORE GAY. [ LAUGHTER ] 523 00:47:47,901 --> 00:47:52,105 SAY WHAT? I SAID WHAT I SAID, MICHAEL, ALL RIGHT? 524 00:47:52,105 --> 00:47:57,610 OUR CULTURE IS BAD, WE NEED A SHIFT, EVERY SINGLE YEAR 37 OF MY HOMIES INVITE ME TO BE IN A 525 00:47:57,610 --> 00:48:00,380 FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I DON'T THINK THE STRAIGHT COMMUNITY KNOWS WE DON'T HAVE SO 526 00:48:00,380 --> 00:48:03,016 DO THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] I WANT MY BROTHERS TO BE FREE. 527 00:48:03,016 --> 00:48:08,788 NEXT TIME ONE OF MY HOMIES ASKS ME IF I'M DRAFTING TOM BRADY, "NO, DOG, I'M TRYING TO KISS YOU 528 00:48:08,788 --> 00:48:13,827 ON THE LIPS, ACTUALLY." [ CHEERS ] DEVON WALKER, EVERYBODY! 529 00:48:13,827 --> 00:48:18,264 [ CHEERS ] DEVON WALKER, EVERYBODY! MICHAEL CHE! 530 00:48:52,432 --> 00:48:58,471 BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKING EVERYWHERE, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. 531 00:48:58,471 --> 00:49:03,109 HERE WE WANT TO GET THOSE BOOTIES READY FOR HALLOWEEN! WHETHER YOU'RE DRESSING UP AS A 532 00:49:03,109 --> 00:49:09,716 SEXY WITCH WITH A FAT ASS OR A FIRST RESPONDER WITH A FAT ASS OR EVEN JEFFREY DAHMER WITH A -- 533 00:49:09,716 --> 00:49:14,320 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY. FAT ASS! ALL RIGHT, NOW. 534 00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:18,725 IT'S TIME TO SWEAT. LET'S START OFF IN A SQUAT AND POP. 535 00:49:18,725 --> 00:49:24,030 AND SQUAT AND POP. NOW REMEMBER, WITH A BIG ASS COMES BIG RESPONSIBILITIES. 536 00:49:24,030 --> 00:49:31,705 IF YOU NEED A MODIFIED VERSION, TRAIN YOUR EYES TO KEELY KAY. THAT'S RIGHT, ANYBODY LOOKING 537 00:49:31,705 --> 00:49:36,643 NOT TO GET A BUTT, LOOK OUR WAY. THAT'S KEELY, THAT'S KALIE KAY, WE DON'T HAVE BUTTS. 538 00:49:36,643 --> 00:49:43,216 [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S RIGHT, WE GO FROM BACK TO LEG. 539 00:49:43,216 --> 00:49:46,519 A DRIVE FROM KANSAS TO IOWA, THAT'S OUR ASS. [ LAUGHTER ] 540 00:49:46,519 --> 00:49:50,757 OH MY GOD. THEY LITERALLY HAVE NO BUTT. YEAH, IT'S LIKE ACTUALLY 541 00:49:50,757 --> 00:49:56,429 SPOOKY. OKAY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE KEELY AND 542 00:49:56,429 --> 00:49:59,899 KAMMIE KAY, I WILL NOT BE OFFENDED. NO, I NEED A BUTT, I'M 543 00:49:59,899 --> 00:50:04,304 GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH AND I'M TRYING TO DRAG A WAGON DOWN THE AISLE. 544 00:50:04,304 --> 00:50:10,910 THE FLOWER GIRL WILL BE ABLE TO SIT ON YOUR ASS. DROP YOUR LOAD, DROP YOUR LOAD. 545 00:50:10,910 --> 00:50:16,716 AND ONCE AGAIN, FROM MY FLAT BUTT ARMY? DROP IT HIGH, DROP IT HIGH, DROP 546 00:50:16,716 --> 00:50:20,854 IT HEAT. ALL RIGHT, NOW. BIG BOOTY, WIGGLE WITH IT, 547 00:50:20,854 --> 00:50:28,094 WIGGLE WITH IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] TINY BOOTY, GET LITTLE WITH 548 00:50:28,094 --> 00:50:32,432 IT, GET LITTLE WITH IT, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE. LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE 549 00:50:32,432 --> 00:50:38,638 WITH IT. SAG THE ASS, RELEASE THE TENSION. 550 00:50:38,638 --> 00:50:42,142 SAG THE ASS, RELEASE THE TENSION. SAG THE ASS? 551 00:50:42,142 --> 00:50:50,684 WHAT IS THAT EVEN ACCOMPLISHING? RIGHT NOW FOR YOUR BIG-BONED 552 00:50:50,684 --> 00:50:56,556 BITCHES, I DON'T WANT YOU SEE YOU GRABBING QUARTER POUNDERS, I WANT YOU SLINGING TEN POUNDERS. 553 00:50:56,556 --> 00:51:02,929 DROP YOUR WAIST. WIGGLE YOUR OWN SUB. DROP IT LOW. 554 00:51:02,929 --> 00:51:07,467 GRAB IT LOW. GET SEXY WITH IT. DROP IT LOW. 555 00:51:07,467 --> 00:51:11,504 [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, MY APPLE BOTTOM. GRAB YOUR KNEES AND WORK YOUR 556 00:51:11,504 --> 00:51:13,073 HIPS. AND WORK IT. [ CHEERS ] 557 00:51:13,073 --> 00:51:23,383 AND WORK IT. GRAB YOUR PARTNER AND PUNCH THEM IN THE BUTT. 558 00:51:23,383 --> 00:51:30,857 SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND SO SMASH THAT ASS DOWN. BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTA! 559 00:51:30,857 --> 00:51:35,261 THAT CAN'T BE A REAL EXERCISE. OKAY. 560 00:51:35,261 --> 00:51:43,503 SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOME OF Y'ALL ARE LOOKING AT BOOTY OVER THERE. THAT'S OKAY. 561 00:51:43,503 --> 00:51:54,280 THAT'S TOO LOW. ATTENTION! LINE IT UP! 562 00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:57,917 OH, OH! LINE IT UP! THAT'S RIGHT. 563 00:51:57,917 --> 00:52:03,690 IF YOU FEEL OUR MICRO CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE GAME. CHEEKS, CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE 564 00:52:03,690 --> 00:52:05,392 GAME. CHEEKS, CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE GAME. 565 00:52:05,392 --> 00:52:13,066 STOP! YOU'RE IN THE GAME -- STOP WIPING YOUR ASSES ON US! 566 00:52:13,066 --> 00:52:16,770 GET REAL. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I WILL SUE YOUR FLAT ASS. 567 00:52:16,770 --> 00:52:21,675 COME ON, Y'ALL. BE NICE. KEELY AND KAYLIE ARE MY FRIENDS. 568 00:52:21,675 --> 00:52:24,844 THEY TOOK MY CLASS FOR SIX YEARS. YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM THEIR 569 00:52:24,844 --> 00:52:27,147 MONEY BACK. [ LAUGHTER ] WOW. 570 00:52:27,147 --> 00:52:33,987 AND THE BODY SHAMING CONTINUES. BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. WE HAVE UGLY, FLAT BUTTS. 571 00:52:33,987 --> 00:52:38,858 SORRY WE'RE NOT KARDASHIANS. [ LAUGHTER ] OUR BACK SIDES ARE BASICALLY 572 00:52:38,858 --> 00:52:46,099 PAPER PLATES. WE WEREN'T GIFTED WITH THE GENETICS OF IGGY AMELIA. 573 00:52:46,099 --> 00:52:53,740 MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE. NO, YOUR DEPLETED WHOOPEE CUSHIONS ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. 574 00:52:53,740 --> 00:52:57,877 I'M GOING TO LET YOU LEAD THE CLASS WITH THOSE FLAT ASSES. THANKS! 575 00:52:57,877 --> 00:53:03,383 HIT OUR MUSIC! IF YOU THINK THIS IS "THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" MUSIC, 576 00:53:03,383 --> 00:53:14,894 YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT. NOW BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTA! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 577 00:53:23,169 --> 00:53:28,742 ONCE AGAIN, MEGAN THEE STALLION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 578 00:53:28,742 --> 00:54:00,040 ** ** ** 579 00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:08,581 ** ** WHAT'S UP SNL HOTTIES? 580 00:54:08,581 --> 00:54:13,920 WHAT'S UP, HOTTIES AT HOME? * I AIN'T PERFECT BUT ANYTHING I DID * 581 00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:16,623 * TO ANY OF YOU Y'ALL DESERVED IT * * YOU SEE ME IN THAT MODE 582 00:54:16,623 --> 00:54:18,925 DON'T DISTURB ME WHEN I'M WORKIN' * * YOU BETTER BACK UP 583 00:54:18,925 --> 00:54:21,661 DON'T KNOW WHAT BE IN THESE PURSES * * AND I AIN'T SAY 584 00:54:21,661 --> 00:54:23,663 EXCUSE ME, 'CAUSE I DID THAT ON PURPOSE, YEAH * * YOU SEE A STAR 585 00:54:23,663 --> 00:54:26,933 UP IN THIS * * YOU KNOW I BROUGHT A 100 BLACK CARS IN THIS * 586 00:54:26,933 --> 00:54:29,936 * KNEES FREAK I DON'T LIKE NOBODY TOUCHIN' ON MY * 587 00:54:29,936 --> 00:54:33,907 * SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO BRING MY OWN BOTTLES IN THIS * * RIDIN' BY MYSELF SHOPPIN' 588 00:54:33,907 --> 00:54:37,911 BAG IN THE BACKSEAT * * WITH THE MONEY TO THEY EAR DON'T ATTRACT ME * 589 00:54:37,911 --> 00:54:42,382 * FLY OUT THE COUNTRY LET A PRINCE BAG ME * * NYMPHO, WANNA DO A 590 00:54:42,382 --> 00:54:45,685 POCKETS NASTY * * HATIN' ON ME BUT IT'S COOL, LOVE ME * 591 00:54:45,685 --> 00:54:48,655 * BODY BANGIN' I AIN'T HAD TO LET THE DOCTOR CUT ME * 592 00:54:48,655 --> 00:54:51,658 * SICK OF BEIN' HUMBLE 'CAUSE YOU DON'T RESPECT THAT * 593 00:54:51,658 --> 00:54:54,661 * AND THE NEXT ONE OF Y'ALL WANNA GET BOLD I'M GON' CHECK THAT * 594 00:54:54,661 --> 00:54:57,397 * AND THE NEXT ONE OF Y'ALL BLOGS WANNA SPREAD LIES I'M GON' SUE YOU * 595 00:54:57,397 --> 00:54:59,899 * AND THE NEXT -- THAT BREAK MY NDA THEY GOIN' FOR YOU TOO * 596 00:54:59,899 --> 00:55:02,168 * NOW LISTEN TO ME 'CAUSE I'M GIVIN' YOU A WARNING * 597 00:55:02,168 --> 00:55:08,174 * YOU GON' HAVE TO PAY ME FOREVER TRYNA BE CORNY * * I'M FROM THE CITY 598 00:55:08,174 --> 00:55:11,644 OF THE DRINK SIPPERS * * SLIDIN', RIDIN' PAINT DRIPPERS * 599 00:55:11,644 --> 00:55:13,780 * SO BAD GOT THE FAMOUS STAGE DIPPERS * * POPPIN' ALL THE MUSIC 600 00:55:13,780 --> 00:55:15,915 SO YOU KNOW I'M KINDA SCREWED UP * * WRIST SO ICY 601 00:55:15,915 --> 00:55:18,184 TURN A DRANK INTO A COOL CUP * * GOIN' THROUGH SO SOME 602 00:55:18,184 --> 00:55:20,653 SO I GOTTA STAY BUSY * * BOUGHT A 'RARI I CAN'T LET THE -- * 603 00:55:20,653 --> 00:55:22,889 * I'M THINKIN' CATCH UP WITH ME * * IF THEY SAY THEY SEE ME 604 00:55:22,889 --> 00:55:25,158 OUTSIDE OF A BOOKIE THEN THAT WAS KIZZY * * BARELY BE AT HOME 605 00:55:25,158 --> 00:55:31,965 BUT I STILL PUT ON FOR MY CITY * * WHERE THE REAL -- AT 606 00:55:31,965 --> 00:55:34,668 I'M GONNA BRING REAL -- BACK * * WHERE'S ALL THE 607 00:55:34,668 --> 00:55:37,671 REAL WOMEN AT * * FREE THE GUYS BRING THE REAL -- BACK * 608 00:55:37,671 --> 00:55:43,877 * WHERE THE REAL -- AT I'M GONNA BRING REAL WOMEN BACK * 609 00:55:43,877 --> 00:55:48,882 * WHERE'S ALL THE REAL WOMEN AT * * FREE THE GUYS 610 00:55:48,882 --> 00:55:54,888 BRING THE REAL MEN BACK * * DEAR BROKE BOY STILL CAN'T BELIEVE 611 00:55:54,888 --> 00:55:58,425 I USED TO MESS WITH YA * * POPPING PLAN B'S 'CAUSE I AIN'T PLANNED 612 00:55:58,425 --> 00:56:03,363 TO BE STUCK WITH YA * * MAN, I SEE YOU STILL KICK IT WITH 613 00:56:03,363 --> 00:56:05,699 THEM OPS * * I'M THE ONLY REASON THAT YOUR GOOFY SELF 614 00:56:05,699 --> 00:56:07,667 GOT WOMEN * * ALL THEM GIRLS WANNA LOOK LIKE ME * 615 00:56:07,667 --> 00:56:09,903 * SHE MOST LIKELY ONLY MESSED WITH YOU JUST TO SPITE ME * 616 00:56:09,903 --> 00:56:15,241 * BUT PLEASE DON'T GET IT TWISTED I AIN'T TRIPPING * 617 00:56:15,241 --> 00:56:18,411 * I NEVER PUT MY FACE IN IT * * IF YOU WAS WONDERING YEAH, BOY 618 00:56:18,411 --> 00:56:22,582 I'M STILL THAT CHICK * * I HAD TO BLOCK YOU BUT YOU STILL GOTTA 619 00:56:22,582 --> 00:56:25,518 WATCH THIS * * 'CAUSE WHO YOU KNOW ROCK IT LIKE ME * 620 00:56:25,518 --> 00:56:29,823 * NO BRA, TIGHT TEES HEY SLICK BACK PONYTAIL FEELING LIKE I'M ICE-T * 621 00:56:29,823 --> 00:56:31,658 * YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU GOOD REAL HOOD WHEN YOU WAKE UP * 622 00:56:31,658 --> 00:56:33,660 * YOU KNOW THAT GIRL WEAK IF SHE AIN'T MESSING UP HER MAKEUP * 623 00:56:33,660 --> 00:56:38,598 * MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO LET YOU TOUCH ME * * I'D RATHER BE IN JAIL 624 00:56:38,598 --> 00:56:42,535 BEFORE A BROKE BOY * * LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF 'CAUSE THIS COULD GET UGLY * 625 00:56:42,535 --> 00:56:45,271 * THAT'S WHY IT'S -- GET MONEY * * AND I DON'T GIVE A 626 00:56:45,271 --> 00:56:49,075 IF THAT -- LEAVE TONIGHT * * BECAUSE -- THAT -- DON'T RUN ME * 627 00:56:49,075 --> 00:56:51,778 * YOU BETTER GET ON YOUR KNEES AND EAT THIS -- RIGHT * 628 00:56:51,778 --> 00:56:56,282 * BEFORE I HAVE ANOTHER DO IT FOR ME * * BECAUSE -- DON'T RUN ME 629 00:56:56,282 --> 00:57:04,791 I RUN -- YEAH, YOU'S A -- * * SUIT IN MY MEETING 630 00:57:04,791 --> 00:57:06,793 WAGYU STEAK WHEN I'M EATING * * MAKING SO MUCH MONEY THIS BOY IS DUMB 631 00:57:06,793 --> 00:57:08,762 IF HE'S CHEATING * * CHICKS IS WATCHING AND HATING 632 00:57:08,762 --> 00:57:12,599 PUT THAT -- IN THEY FACES * * I'LL BUY THE WHOLE BUILDING * 633 00:57:12,599 --> 00:57:15,268 * AND KEEP THEM GIRLS IN THEY PLACES * * HE SUBMERGED IN IT 634 00:57:15,268 --> 00:57:17,103 LIKE A BAPTISM * * HE HIT THIS WATER THEN HE COMING BACK 635 00:57:17,103 --> 00:57:24,277 A REAL -- * * HOW YOU WANT A -- BUT DON'T WANNA WORK * 636 00:57:24,277 --> 00:57:26,046 * HOW YOU WANT A HEY THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE * * TOLD BOY "NO" 637 00:57:26,046 --> 00:57:28,281 THE FIRST TIME * * TRIED TO SPARE THIS MAN'S FEELINGS * 638 00:57:28,281 --> 00:57:30,817 * NOW HE THINK HE HURTING MINE * * AND I BE AT WORK 639 00:57:30,817 --> 00:57:33,520 WHILE YOU SLEEP * * MY COOKIE IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE MEAL 640 00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:37,257 YOU'LL EVER EAT * * STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO TRUST YOU * 641 00:57:37,257 --> 00:57:41,795 * THE ONLY ACCOLADE YOU EVER MADE IS THAT I -- YOU * 642 00:57:41,795 --> 00:57:44,064 * YOU A -- IF YOU GET THE CHANCE I BET YOU SNITCH * 643 00:57:44,064 --> 00:57:47,267 * YOU'LL NEVER GET A CHANCE TO TELL ME -- HEY * * LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF 644 00:57:47,267 --> 00:57:50,537 'CAUSE THIS COULD GET UGLY * * THAT'S WHY IT'S GET MONEY * 645 00:57:50,537 --> 00:57:55,308 * AND I DON'T GIVE A -- IF THAT -- LEAVE TONIGHT * * BECAUSE -- THAT -- 646 00:57:55,308 --> 00:57:58,778 DON'T RUN ME * * YOU BETTER GET ON YOUR KNEES 647 00:57:58,778 --> 00:58:02,549 AND EAT THIS -- RIGHT * * BEFORE I HAVE ANOTHER DO IT FOR ME * 648 00:58:02,549 --> 00:58:08,054 * BECAUSE -- DON'T RUN ME I RUN -- * YEAH 649 00:58:08,054 --> 00:58:30,777 YOU'S A -- ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 650 00:58:36,583 --> 00:58:40,653 IT'S ALREADY FALL. WINTER WILL BE HERE SOON. RIGHT NOW, MILLIONS OF CHILLY 651 00:58:40,653 --> 00:58:46,192 WOMEN ARE SITTING IN THEIR VERY DRAFTY APARTMENTS WITHOUT BOYFRIENDS. 652 00:58:46,192 --> 00:58:55,468 * HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH * YOU CAN HELP. FOR ONLY $1 A DAY, YOU CAN 653 00:58:55,468 --> 00:59:01,741 PROVIDE GIANT, BROKEN-IN MEN SWEATSHIRTS WHERE A SINGLE GIRL CAN GET COLD EASY. 654 00:59:01,741 --> 00:59:06,046 I BROKE UP WITH RYAN RIGHT AROUND THE TIME IT STARTED GETTING NIPPY. 655 00:59:06,046 --> 00:59:14,654 I CAN LITERALLY SEE MY OWN BREATH, THAT'S HOW COLD IT IS. * HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH * 656 00:59:14,654 --> 00:59:20,160 EVERY GIANT SWEATSHIRT FEATURES A UNIQUE BOYFRIEND DESIGN, LIKE NEW ENGLAND 657 00:59:20,160 --> 00:59:27,033 PATRIOTS, SLIPKNOT, DUNDER MIFFLIN. I RAN INTO MY EX AT A COFFEE 658 00:59:27,033 --> 00:59:31,604 SHOP. HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME, "ISN'T THAT MY SWEATSHIRT?" 659 00:59:31,604 --> 00:59:34,107 IT WAS. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM CALLING ME OUT? 660 00:59:34,107 --> 00:59:41,047 IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO STEAL YOUR SWEATSHIRT, THEN WHY WAS IT IN YOUR CLOSET? 661 00:59:41,047 --> 00:59:47,587 * LIVING IN A GANGSTA'S PARADISE * I WENT TO A LAUNDROMAT, 662 00:59:47,587 --> 00:59:51,891 OPENED A DRYER, AND GRABBED A GUY'S STUFF. HE CHASE MED FOR BLOCKS. 663 00:59:51,891 --> 00:59:56,096 I'M GOING TO SAY IT. I MISS DUTCH OVENS. ME TOO. 664 00:59:56,096 --> 01:00:02,369 HEY, TOM. CALL ST. ANDREW'S CENTER FOR SHIVERING GIRLS AND HELP 665 01:00:02,369 --> 01:00:04,037 SHIVERING GIRLS AND HELP SOMEONE. 666 01:00:13,213 --> 01:00:16,883 HEY! GET UP, GET UP! ** 667 01:00:16,883 --> 01:00:32,098 TURN THAT MUSIC OFF AND SIT IN YOUR SEATS! MY NAME IS MS. FINK. 668 01:00:32,098 --> 01:00:35,735 AND I WILL BE YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER TODAY. NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR 669 01:00:35,735 --> 01:00:41,675 REGULAR TEACHER DOES DURING THIS CLASS, BUT I AM HERE TO INSTRUCT. 670 01:00:41,675 --> 01:00:47,981 AND YOU ARE HERE TO LEARN. AND THERE IS ONE MORE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW. 671 01:00:47,981 --> 01:00:54,354 I BELIEVE IN YOU. ** NOW, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE 672 01:00:54,354 --> 01:01:05,098 BEEN TOLD YOUR WHOLE LIVES. YOU ARE NOT DUMB. YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE. 673 01:01:05,098 --> 01:01:10,770 MAYBE EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE THINKS IT'S HIGH SCHOOL, THEN THE STREETS, THEN PRISON. 674 01:01:10,770 --> 01:01:17,744 BUT NOT ME. WHEN I LOOK AT THIS ROOM, I DON'T SEE THUGS. 675 01:01:17,744 --> 01:01:25,552 I DON'T SEE DUMMIES. I SEE A GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHOSE ONLY FAULT WAS BEING BORN 676 01:01:25,552 --> 01:01:35,862 THE WRONG COLOR IN THIS COUNTRY. SO YES, YOU MAY BE DUMB TODAY. [ LAUGHTER ] 677 01:01:35,862 --> 01:01:41,835 BUT WHAT YOU ARE TOMORROW STARTS RIGHT HERE IN THIS CLASSROOM. AM I UNDERSTOOD? 678 01:01:41,835 --> 01:01:45,438 YES. YES. OKAY. 679 01:01:45,438 --> 01:01:52,645 NOW, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED. HOW MANY OF YOU CAN READ? UM -- ALL OF US? 680 01:01:52,645 --> 01:01:59,586 [ LAUGHTER ] MISS, THIS IS AN HONORS LEVEL PHYSICS CLASS. 681 01:01:59,586 --> 01:02:03,056 [ LAUGHTER ] THIS CLASS IS THAT? YEAH. 682 01:02:03,056 --> 01:02:07,160 EVERY CLASS AT THE SCHOOL IS HONORS LEVEL. THIS IS A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL? 683 01:02:07,160 --> 01:02:13,466 OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ] WE ALL HAD TO TAKE A 684 01:02:13,466 --> 01:02:16,636 COLLEGE-LEVEL TEST TO GET IN HERE. OKAY. 685 01:02:16,636 --> 01:02:18,571 [ LAUGHTER ] DID THE PRINCIPAL NOT TELL YOU? 686 01:02:18,571 --> 01:02:24,844 NO. AND WAIT, WHO IS CALLING US DUMB? 687 01:02:24,844 --> 01:02:32,485 * NOBODY * BUT WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE CLASS, YOU GAVE THAT LONG 688 01:02:32,485 --> 01:02:36,122 SPEECH, YOU SAID PEOPLE WERE SAYING WE WAS DUMB. WHO IS THAT? 689 01:02:36,122 --> 01:02:39,793 OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ] WHO SAID WE WERE BORN THE 690 01:02:39,793 --> 01:02:46,366 WRONG COLOR? WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? YEAH, THAT SOUNDED RACIST AS 691 01:02:46,366 --> 01:02:49,969 HELL. IT DOES NOW, YES. [ LAUGHTER ] 692 01:02:49,969 --> 01:02:55,408 WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL DID YOU SAY THERE WAS, AGAIN? IT'S A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL, MISS. 693 01:02:55,408 --> 01:02:58,411 STANDS FOR SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY, ENGINEERING, AND MATH. 694 01:02:58,411 --> 01:03:09,222 MM, MM. ALL SUBJECTS I KNOW VERY WELL. S-T-E-M. 695 01:03:09,222 --> 01:03:16,830 BUT I LIKE TO SAY IT STUDENTS FOR "STUDENTS TOGETHER ACHIEVING MUCH." 696 01:03:16,830 --> 01:03:21,234 MISS, THE WORD "ACHIEVING" STARTS WITH AN "A." HM, EXACTLY. 697 01:03:21,234 --> 01:03:27,440 DID WE ALL HEAR THAT? LET'S ALL TRY TO BE MORE LIKE LAQUANTISHA. 698 01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:35,415 MY NAME IS AMY. [ LAUGHTER ] QUIET UNLESS CALLED ON. 699 01:03:35,415 --> 01:03:37,684 LET'S BEGIN THE LESSON. WHERE DID WE LEAVE OFF IN THE TEXT? 700 01:03:37,684 --> 01:03:43,156 CHAPTER 237, PARTICLE BEHAVIOR IN WAVE MECHANICS. BIG OLD BOOK. 701 01:03:43,156 --> 01:03:54,801 [ LAUGHTER ] I WILL READ. A PHOTON CAN BEHAVE BOTH AS A 702 01:03:54,801 --> 01:04:01,408 WAVE AND A PARTICLE. THIS -- HM. [ LAUGHTER ] 703 01:04:01,408 --> 01:04:08,682 UM, MISS, IT'S "DUALITY." ONE MORE TIME FOR ME, BABY? "DUALITY." 704 01:04:08,682 --> 01:04:15,121 DETENTION! [ LAUGHTER ] AND THAT CONCLUDES THE READING. 705 01:04:15,121 --> 01:04:18,324 STUDENTS -- ** HERE'S SOME TRUTH FOR YOU. 706 01:04:18,324 --> 01:04:23,830 SOMETIMES THE TEACHERS ARE THE ONES WHO ARE DUMB. [ LAUGHTER ] 707 01:04:23,830 --> 01:04:30,804 AND SOMETIMES THEY TAKE A JOB NOT REALIZING IT'S AT A S.T.A.M. SCHOOL. 708 01:04:30,804 --> 01:04:34,341 UM -- IT'S A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL, MISS. WITH AN "E." 709 01:04:34,341 --> 01:04:43,983 DETENTION! AND SOMETIMES THAT MAKES THEM SAY AND DO RACIST. 710 01:04:43,983 --> 01:04:46,986 BUT YOU CAN'T HOLD THAT AGAINST THEM. [ LAUGHTER ] 711 01:04:46,986 --> 01:04:52,392 BECAUSE SOME OF THESE TEACHERS DID NOT GO TO COLLEGE. BUT MISS, I THOUGHT YOU HAD 712 01:04:52,392 --> 01:04:59,332 TO GO TO COLLEGE TO BE A TEACHER. DETENTION! 713 01:04:59,332 --> 01:05:03,937 THE POINT IS, I BELIEVE IN YOU. AND THAT IS WHY I SHOULD STILL GET PAID FOR TODAY. 714 01:05:03,937 --> 01:05:13,179 [ LAUGHTER ] CLASS DISMISSED! BUT THE BELL DIDN'T RING. 715 01:05:13,179 --> 01:05:19,886 [ LAUGHTER ] BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN 716 01:05:19,886 --> 01:05:22,088 DOOR? MISS, THE DOOR OPEN IN, YOU'VE GOT TO PULL IT. 717 01:05:22,088 --> 01:05:27,527 IT'S A "PULL." DETENTION! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 718 01:05:38,638 --> 01:05:48,081 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** THEY ONLY GIVE YOU 20 719 01:05:48,081 --> 01:05:50,984 SECONDS, EVERYTHING HERE AT "SNL." I REALLY WANT TO SAY THANK YOU 720 01:05:50,984 --> 01:05:57,223 TO MY WHOLE TEAM. WE'VE BEEN WAKING UP EVERY DAY, HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, COME DO 721 01:05:57,223 --> 01:05:58,958 THIS. THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY AT "SNL" THAT REALLY HELD ME DOWN. 722 01:05:58,958 --> 01:06:06,166 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU TO MY TEAM, THANK YOU. THANK YOU EVERYBODY IN THE CROWD 723 01:06:06,166 --> 01:06:12,672 TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THANK YOU TO THE HOTTIES! 724 01:06:12,672 --> 01:06:21,614 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WITHOUT THE HOTTIES, THERE WOULD BE NO HOTTIES TO COACH. 725 01:06:21,614 --> 01:06:30,357 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD NIGHT! **