.........
COOKER SPAN DIRECTLY? SPANIEL IN THE CLOSING STATEMENTS OF THE JANUARY 6th
COMMITTEE TO INVESTIGATE THE
ATTACK ON THE NATION'S CAPITOL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE TO LET THE COMMITTEE
COME TO ORDER FOR ITS NINTH AND
FINAL HEARING.
THE JANUARY 6th WAS ONE OF THE
MOST DRAMATIC AND CONSEQUENTIAL
MOMENTS IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY.
SO TO FIGHT BACK, WE ASSEMBLED A
TEAM OF MONOTONE NERDS TO DO A
POWERPOINT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DID MINE WITH GOOGLE FLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE'VE BEEN INVESTIGATING THIS
HORRIBLE ATTACK FOR MORE THAN A
YEAR, BUT TODAY'S SESSION IS
GOING TO BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
WE'RE GOING TO SUMMARIZE OUR
FINDINGS, HOLD A HISTORY-MAKING
VOTE, AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN --
WE ALL GET TO HAVE A LITTLE
TREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AW, COME ON, CAN'T I HAVE ONE
CUPCAKE NOW?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S EVIDENCE, THEN A VOTE, THEN
A LITTLE TREAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, I WOULD FIRST LIKE TO
RECOGNIZE THE GENTLE LADY FROM
WYOMING WHO I AM SHOCKED TO SAY
HAS BECOME MY BEST FRIEND.
LIZ CHENEY.
>> THANK YOU, BENNIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS, THIS
BIPARTISAN COMMITTEE HAS
PRESENTED OUR CASE TO ALL
AMERICANS.
WHETHER YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN
WHO'S NOT WATCHING, OR A
DEMOCRAT WHO'S NODDING SO HARD
YOUR HEAD IS FALLING OFF --
[ LAUGHTER ]
ONE PERSON IS RESPONSIBLE FOR
THIS INSURRECTION, DONALD TRUMP.
AND ONE PERSON WILL SUFFER THE
CONSEQUENCES, ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHAT
MAKES ME SO TOUGH.
AND I ASK YOU, WHO IS YOUR DAD?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IS IT DICK CHENEY?
YOU MIGHT WONDER, WHEN YOU HAVE
THE GUTS TO TAKE ON YOUR ENTIRE
PARTY ALONE.
I SAY, WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHO
TUCKED YOU IN AT NIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WAS IT DICK CHENEY?
I'VE BEEN ASKED, HOW DID YOU GET
A BACKBONE MADE OF STEEL?
AND I AND BACK, FOR YOUR 10th
BIRTHDAY, DID YOU EAT PIZZA AT
CHUCK E. CHEESE WITH ALL YOUR
FRIENDS?
OR DID YOU SHOOT A DEER IN THE
FACE WITH DICK CHENEY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I
HAVE BIG DICK CHENEY ENERGY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLE LADY
FROM WYOMING.
THE CHAIR NOW RECOGNIZES THE
GENTLEMAN FROM CALIFORNIA, AND
MAYBE THE HORROR MOVIE SMILE?
ACTUALLY, NO, NO, NO, WE GONNA
SKIP HIM.
TOO SPOOKY.
ALL RIGHT.
THE CHAIR INSTEAD RECOGNIZES THE
GENTLEMAN FROM MARYLAND.
>> THANK YOU, MR. CHAIRMAN.
LEADING UP TO JANUARY 6th, THE
FBI SCOURED THROUGH ALT-RIGHT
MESSAGE BOARDS AND FOUND
DISTURBING COMMENTS LIKE, WHO
WANTS TO BURN D.C. TO THE
GROUND?
ANYONE GOT ROOM IN THEIR CAR FOR
ME, 10 RIFLES AND 30 SNAKES? WHERE DO WE PARK?
IS THERE A SHUTTLE FROM LA
QUINTA?
AM I AT WRONG WASHINGTON?
I SEE SPACE NEEDLE.
YET AGAIN, PRESIDENT TRUMP
DIDN'T RAISE A FINGER.
AND WHILE THESE HOOLIGANS WERE
RANSACKING OUR BELOVED CAPITOL,
REAL LEADERS LIKE NANCY PELOSI
AND CHUCK SCHUMER WERE BUNKERED
IN A SENATE HIDE-AWAY TRYING TO
SAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> YES, HELLO, MR. VICE
PRESIDENT.
IT'S SPEAKER PELOSI.
WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE?
CAN WE GET BACK TO THE CAPITOL
AND RESUME THE VOTE IN HELLO,
DOORDASH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S CHUCK SCHUMER!
YES, WE STILL HAVEN'T RECEIVED
ANY OF OUR LUNCH ORDERS!
>> THE DROP-OFF LOCATION, DUE TO
SOME UNFORTUNATE TREASON, BUT IT
SHOULD HAVE ARRIVED BY NOW.
>> THE PRESIDENT IS DOING
NOTHING, THIS IS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE.
>> MY ORDER?
DILL PICKLES STILL FLOATING IN
THE JUICE AND A PASTRAMI
SANDWICH WITH VERY LIGHT
MUSTARD, DO YOU HEAR ME?
I'M IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH 30
PEOPLE.
IF I GET AN UPSET STOMACH, ALL
HELL IS GOING TO BREAK LOOSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND IT CONTINUES FOR HOURS
FROM THERE.
>> WELL, THANK YOU, MR. RASKIN.
THE CHAIR NOW RECOGNIZES THE
TENDERONI FROM ILLINOIS.
>> THANK YOU, MR. CHAIR.
I TOOK A CUPCAKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, DONALD TRUMP KNEW HE HAD
LOST THE ELECTION.
EVERYONE AROUND HIM KNEW.
HE ASKED WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL PAT
CIPOLLONE, DID I LOSE THE
ELECTION?
AND PAT SAID, YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE THEN ASKED IVANKA.
DID I REALLY LOSE THE ELECTION?
SHE SAID, YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE THEN TRIED A JANITOR.
HEY, YOU DON'T THINK I LOST, DO
YOU?
THE JANITOR RESPONDED, I DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN THE PRESIDENT TURNED TO A
DOG AND SAID, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DID I WIN?
AND THE DOG LEGIT SHOOK ITS HEAD
SIDE TO SIDE THEN BARKED A
PERFECT HUMAN "NO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
DONALD WAS DESPERATE TO HANG ON
TO POWER.
MEANWHILE, REAL HEROES LIKE
NANCY PELOSI AND CHUCK SCHUMER
WERE THE ONES ACTUALLY RUNNING
THIS COUNTRY.
>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. VICE
PRESIDENT, SPEAKER PELOSI AGAIN,
TELL THEM I'M HERE TOO.
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WHERE IS
PRESIDENT TRUMP?
WHAT IS HE DOING TO STOP THIS?
>> HI, MIKE, IT'S CHUCK SCHUMER,
I'M HERE AS WELL!
>> LET ME TELL YOU, IF TRUMP
COMES HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING
TO PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE.
THEN I'LL BE HAPPY.
>> LET ME TELL YOU, IF TRUMP
COMES, I'M GOING TO LET HIM
PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, I'LL GO TO
THE HOSPITAL, FREE SOUP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOT SURE IF SCHUMER NEEDS TO
BE IN ALL THESE CLIPS.
MISS CHENEY, ANY FINAL THOUGHTS?
>> THE FACT IS TRUMP PLANNED TO
DECLARE VICTORY NO MATTER THE
RESULTS.
LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF THE
PRESIDENT THE DAY BEFORE THE
ELECTION.
>> THE VOTES DON'T MATTER, I'VE
ALWAYS SAID THAT THE VOTES DON'T
MATTER AT ALL.
WHAT EVEN IS A VOTE?
IT'S A PIECE OF PAPER YOU FOLD
UP, PUT IT IN A HAT, A GUY
SHAKES IT AROUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE HAD A GREAT HAT, IT WAS VERY
TALL, HE BORROWED IT FROM APOLLO
CREED WHO IS A VERY CLOSE FRIEND
OF MINE, WE TALK ON THE PHONE
EVERY DAY, OUR WIVES ARE
FRIENDS.
HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE DIED IN
THAT RING.
HE GETS WHACKED IN THE HEAD, AND
BOOM, WHERE'S THE OBAMACARE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, WE DON'T VOTE, WE DON'T
VOTE.
IT'S OPEN!
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IS MIKE PENCE DEAD YET?
>> ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'VE SEEN
QUITE ENOUGH.
LET US NOW TAKE A VOTE, SHOULD
WE SUBPOENA PRESIDENT TRUMP AND
FORCE HIM TO TESTIFY BEFORE THIS
COMMITTEE?
>> YES, WE MUST.
AND THIS VOTE IS NOT JUST AN
EMPTY GESTURE.
HE WILL TESTIFY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
HE WILL GET ON A PLANE AND LEAVE
FLORIDA, WHERE HE IS BELOVED,
AND HE WILL FLY TO WASHINGTON
WHERE HE IS HATED, AND HE WILL
ANSWER MY QUESTIONS.
QUESTIONS LIKE, HEY!
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,
MISTER!
>> TRUMP IS 100% COMING AND THIS
TIME HE WILL BE HELD
ACCOUNTABLE.
SURE, HE GOT AWAY WITH A LOT OF
STUFF IN THE '70s, THE '80s, THE
'90s, THE EARLY 2000s, THE
2010s, AND THE EARLY 2020S.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT ENDS NOW!
WITH US.
BECAUSE I'M -- MR. KINZINGER.
AND HE WILL RESPECT MY
AUTHORITY.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, I CAN
ALREADY SEE THIS IS A COMPLETE
ZERO.
I WANT TO THANK MY COLLEAGUES
FOR THROWING AWAY THEIR SUMMERS,
AND IN SOME CASES THEIR CAREERS,
TO SERVE ON THIS COMMITTEE.
>> HEY NO PROBLEM.
>> MY CALENDAR WAS EMPTY.
>> I DO HAVE A COUPLE OF
REGRETS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AMERICA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
MORE WE COULD POSSIBLY SHOW YOU
EXCEPT MAYBE THIS CLIP OF NANCY
PELOSI SAYING POO-POO.
>> THERE'S POO-POO.
THERE'S POO HAVE POO ON THE
WALLS OF THE CAPITOL.
>> OH MY GOD, WHILE I'M EATING?
>> THEY ARE SMEARING THE WALLS
WITH THEIR POO-POO.
>> I TOLD YOU THAT'S WHAT
HAPPENS WITH TOO MUCH MUSTARD.
>> ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE TRIED.
IT WAS A FUN COUNTRY WHILE IT
LASTED.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
WITH --
>> MUSICAL GUEST, MEGAN THEE STALLION. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MEGAN
THEE STALLION!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.
I CAN'T TELL YOU ALL HOW EXCITED
I AM TO BE HERE!
[ CHEERS ]
MOST OF Y'ALL KNOW ME AS MEGAN
BUT IF YOU KNOW ME, THEN YOU
KNOW I GO BY MORE THAN ONE NAME.
LET'S SEE, WE GOT FAMOUS NO.
THE HOT GIRL COACH.
THE A-SELL HOTTIE.
IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY MANY, MANY
HATERS, I'M PROBABLY, UGH, THAT
BITCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT'S OKAY.
BECAUSE EVEN MY HATERS AREN'T
ENTIRELY WRONG BECAUSE I AM
SIMPLY THEE BITRH.
THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN ME TWERK,
FLAT-OUT BEING ONE OF THE
HOTTEST EMCEES IN THE GAME RIGHT
NOW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO ME
THAN MEETS THE EYE.
FOR EXAMPLE, I'M A REALLY GOOD
ACTRESS.
I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN
HORN, BUT I THINK I DO A PRETTY
GOOD BRITISH ACCENT.
ALL RIGHT, CHECK THIS OUT.
"PUT ME IN BRITAIN, BITCH."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THOMAS FROM TEXAS L.A.
UNIVERSITY.
IT'S NOT EASY AND I DID THAT
WHILE GOING ON A WORLD TOUR.
[ CHEERS ]
SO NOW I CAN GO BY ANOTHER NAME.
MEGAN THE BITCH THAT NEEDS SOME
SWEETS.
I GOT MY DEGREE IN HEALTH
ADMINISTRATION BECAUSE I HAVE
ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP THE PEOPLE
IN MY COMMUNITY.
I BELIEVE THAT IT IS IMPORTANT
TO HAVE A SHARP MIND AND A SHARP
BODY YADA YADA YADA.
MY WE CAN SITE PROVIDES ACCESS
TO RESOURCES FOR THOSE
STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL HEALTH.
BAD BITCHES HAVE BAD DAYS TOO,
HUH?
THAT'S A REAL WEBSITE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DOMAIN
WASN'T ALREADY TAKEN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED,
HOTGIRLBUMMER BUT SOMEBODY STOLE
IT.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
BEFORE THE SHOW STARTS, THERE'S
SOMETHING I'VE BEEN REALLY
WANTING TO SAY.
I'VE HAD SOME WINS AND I'VE HAD
SOME LOSSES AND I ALWAYS GET
MORE WINS.
BUT I DO PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING
AN OPEN BOOK.
SO WITH THAT BEING SAID, I WOULD
LIKE TO ADDRESS A CERTAIN
INCIDENT THAT I'M SURE IS ON
EVERYBODY'S MIND.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TOOK
THE HOT SAUCE OFF THE MENU.
TAKE THAT UP WITH THE POPEYE'S
LADY, NOT ME, OKAY?
SERIOUSLY, I DO WANT TO THANK MY
FANS, AKA THE HOTTIES.
Y'ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK!
>>> THIS FALL, A NEW MELODRAMA FOR OUR TIMES. IT'S "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL."
>> MA'AM, I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU'RE
IN GOOD HANDS.
WHAT'S HER STATUS?
>> 46.
FEMALE.
MAD AS HELL.
>> OH MY GOD, AND THE FIT?
>> TRASH.
>> I NEED A BBL STAT.
50 CCS AND WHATEVER FASHION
MOGUL WE GOT.
>> WHAT'S A BBL?
JUST LET MY BABY DIE.
>> NO, MA'AM.
YOU GONNA BE A BAD BITCH REAL
SOON.
>> FROM SHONDA RHIMES IT'S "HOT
GIRL HOSPITAL."
THE STORY OF THREE EVERYDAY
HEROES BLOWING UP THEIR
COMMUNITY ONE DUSTY CHICK AT A
TIME.
>> OH, GIRL.
I GOT TO WORK A DOUBLE TONIGHT.
>> GIRL, I KNOW.
I GOT A WEE BOW CHAT FOLLOWED BY
A EMERGENCY EVENT.
>> WHO DAT?
WHO DAT?
>> BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT --
>> I DON'T WANT TO HIGH!
>> UH-UH.
>> HE'S PLEADING.
>> WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
>> WHO LET YOU IN?
>> NO, NO.
>> WHEN LIFE IS ON THE LINE,
THESE ARE THE THREE WOMEN WHO
WILL ANSWER THE CALL, SAY
SOMETHING RUDE, THEN HANG UP.
>> HEY, I'M CHARLIE.
NEW YORK PRESIDENT BIDEN
CARDIOLOGIST.
>> OKAY.
BUT WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.
WE DO WIGS, CLOTHES.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE,
YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO LOOK
AROUND.
>> OKAY, SO WHAT KIND OF
HOSPITAL IS THIS, THEN?
>> DRAYMOND GREEN GOT IN TROUBLE
FOR PUNCHING HIS TEAMMATE,
RIGHT?
THE NBA MADE HIM DO COMMUNITY
SERVICE.
SO BASICALLY, HE FLEW OUT A
BUNCH OF IG BADDIES, FILLED A
BUILDING WITH WHEELCHAIRS AND
CALLED IT A HOSPITAL.
>> THANK YOU, DRAYMOND!
>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CALLS
IT, SOMEHOW EMPOWERING AND
REGRESSIVE AT THE SAME TIME.
AND "VARIETY" SAYS, I DON'T FEEL
COMFORTABLE REVIEWING THIS AS A
WHITE GUY.
>> I NEED TO SPEAK TO DR.
SIMMONS, IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
>> I AIN'T TALKING TO NO DR.
SIMMONS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE
FAKE.
>> WHAT?
CAN I JUST SEE A DOCTOR, PLEASE?
>> YOU CAN SEE HER.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GET HER.
NURSE, WHERE'S JANELLE?
>> HUH?
>> SHE FAKE.
SHE GOT TO THINK SHE BETTER THAN
EVERYBODY.
>> UH-HUH.
>> CAN YOU JUST PAGE HER,
PLEASE?
>> IMAGINE.
IMAGINE ME SAYING "PAGING DR.
SIMMONS."
>> ALL OF THE DRAMA, NONE OF THE
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
BECAUSE OF THE "HOT GIRL
HOSPITAL," HELP AIN'T ON THE
WAY.
>> CALL MY WIFE!
>> AAH!
>> OH NO.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD
ON.
DeJUAN, IS THAT YOU, DeJUAN?
HOLD UP.
DeJUAN, WHO BE ON OUR DMs EVERY
DAY?
>> OH, SNAP, WHAT'S UP?
>> DO YOU KNOW THEM?
>> I NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN
MY LIFE.
>> YOU THINK YOU SLICK.
>> UH-UH.
>> COMING HERE WITH YOUR WIFE,
HER WATER BROKE.
>> BOY, GET YOUR LAME ASS WRONG.
>> GOOD LUCK TO THAT BABY.
>> AND ON A VERY SPECIAL SEASON
FINALE --
♪
>> WHERE'S MY WIFE?
IS SHE OKAY?
OH HO HO!
>> SHE MORE THAN OKAY BABY, SHE
BAD.
COME ON OUT, GIRL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
>> YES!
>> UH-HUH!
>> YOU WORK IT, BITCH!
>> "HOT GIRL HOSPITAL" COMING
THIS HOT GIRL FALL.
>> THANK YOU, DRAYMOND!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ MY FRIEND IS GOING OUT AND I'M TAG ALONG ♪ ♪ SHE'S GOING TO SEE SOME PALS
SHE HASN'T SEEN IN SO LONG ♪
♪ IT'S MY BOYFRIEND'S FRIEND'S
BIRTHDAY AND I WAS FREE ♪
♪ WILL I KNOW PEOPLE THERE HE
SAID YOU'LL KNOW ME ♪
♪ I SAID I DON'T LOVE STRANGERS
BUT I DO LIKE TO DRINK ♪
♪ EVERYBODY THIS IS PHIL HEY I'M
FRIENDS WITH ALEXIS ♪
♪ THIS IS MY SISTER I FLEW IN
FROM TEXAS ♪
♪ I FINALLY BROUGHT MY
GIRLFRIEND THAT'S ME I'M
HEATHER ♪
♪ WHERE DID YOU FEET WE ALL GREW
UP TOGETHER ♪
♪ THEY LEAVE US AT THE TABLE AND
THEY GO TO A SHOP THEY ASK US
SAVE OUR SEATS ♪
♪ WE SAY SURE WHY NOT ♪
♪ NOW WE'RE THREE STRANGERS THAT
ARE FRIENDS ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ WE GOT CAUGHT AND WE DON'T
KNOW EACH OTHER ♪
♪ WE GOT CAUGHT SO WE ALL HAVE
TO SUFFER ♪
♪ WE ALL WANT TO LEAVE BUT IT'S
ONLY 8:00 ♪
♪ WE GOT CAUGHT ♪
♪ WE'RE TRYING TO PUSH THROUGH I
ASK WHERE ARE Y'ALL FROM ♪
♪ AND I COULDN'T THINK OF A
SINGLE OTHER QUESTION ♪
♪ SO I ALSO ASKED WHERE ARE
Y'ALL FROM ♪
♪ WE COVERED THAT.
>> ANYBODY HAVE ANOTHER
QUESTION?
>> OKAY, SO WHAT'S Y'ALL'S
TRAUMA?
♪ I MADE MY ESCAPE AND SAY I'M
GOING TO THE BEDROOM ♪
♪ AND THIS CRANKY BITCH SAYS
I'LL GO WITH YOU ♪
>> NO, YOU WON'T.
>> IS SHE LEAVING?
♪ WE'RE WAITING AT THE BAR BUT
NO ONE'S COMING BY ♪
♪ AND IF THERE'S ONE SECOND OF
SILENCE THEN WE'LL BOTH DIE ♪
♪
♪ I REACH INTO THE DEPTHS OF
WHAT I KNOW AND I SAY, DID YOU
KNOW THERE'S ONLY BEEN 25 DEATHS
AT DISNEYLAND SINCE 1955 ♪
♪ AND SHE SAID ONLY?
♪
♪ WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD IS YOUR
APARTMENT IN, SHE SAYS BROOKLYN,
I SAY WHEREABOUTS THIS
BROOKLYN ♪
♪ AND SHE SAYS OH THE SAFE PART
WHICH WAS SHOCKING SO I PANICKED
AND ALL I COULD SAY WAS ♪
OH, GOOD.
I LOVE SAFE PARKS.
>> NO, I SAID THE SOUTH PART.
>> NO!
♪ WE GOT CAUGHT ♪
♪ YOUR MUTUAL WAS GONE YOUR
MUTUAL WAS MISSING ♪
♪ YOU'RE WONDERING WHY YOUR
FRIENDS ARE REMINISCING ♪
♪ WHERE ARE OUR FRIENDS WHERE
HAVE THEY GONE WHY WOULD THEY
LEAVE US ALONE ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALL OUT OF TOPICS AND
THE CONVERSATION'S LAZY ♪
♪ YOU JUST KEEP ON SAYING
THEY'RE CRAZY THEY'RE CRAZY ♪
♪ THEY'RE CRAZY NO WAY THEY'RE
CRAZY OH CRAZY ♪
>> THAT'S CRAZY.
>> SO CRAZY.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU, IT'S
GETTING LATE.
>> 8:05?
>> I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE
ANYMORE!
♪ WE GOT CAUGHT ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OH, WELL, MY GOODNESS, MY
GOODNESS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY DAUGHTER
LIVES IN THIS BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
>> IT REALLY IS SO COZY.
>> THANKS, EVERYBODY.
I KNOW IT'S REMOTE BUT WE LOVE
IT.
>> THE SCHOOLS ARE GREAT IF WE
DECIDE TO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY.
>> ONE DAY?
YOU NEED THEM NOW.
>> DAD, STOP.
>> I WILL NOT STOP.
I WILL NEVER STOP ON THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WILL YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW?
THERE'S A DEER IN YOUR WOODS.
>> OH, REALLY, A DEER?
WHERE IS IT?
>> RIGHT THERE BY THAT PINE
TREE.
>> OH, CUTE.
>> WHERE IS IT?
I DON'T SEE IT.
>> IT'S RIGHT BY THE PINE TREE,
DAD, LOOK.
>> AWW!
>> HE A BIG ONE.
OR IS IT A GIRL?
BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE ONE?
>> WHERE IS IT Y'ALL TALKING
ABOUT?
>> BY THE PINE TREE, MR.
REYNOLDS.
>> I KNOW WHAT IT'S BY, WHERE IS
IT AT?
>> IT'S RIGHT THERE, DAD.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING FOR A
DEER.
NOW I GOT TO FIND A ROCK?
>> THERE'S TWO BIG ROUND ROCKS,
MR. REYNOLDS.
>> OKAY.
DON'T YELL AT ME.
JUST SHOW ME WHERE THE DEER IS.
>> DAD.
DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M POINTING?
>> YES.
A ROCK.
>> DAD.
BRING YOUR EYES BY MY HANDS AND
FOLLOW THE ART OF THE POINT.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND.
I DON'T NEED TO SEE IT.
>> DAD.
JUST FOLLOW THE ARC OF MY POINT
WITH YOUR EYES TO THE DEER.
>> I SAID IT'S OKAY, I DON'T
REALLY CARE.
>> BUT IT'S RIGHT THERE.
JUST MAKE YOUR EYES GO IN MINE
WITH THE ANGLE OF MY POINT.
>> FORGET, I I DON'T NEED TO SEE
NO DEER!
>> THERE'S A BLOODY RABBIT
RIDING ON THE BACK OF THE DEER!
>> WHAT?
WHERE'S THAT HAPPENING NOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, AND THE BUNNY HAS A TAIL.
>> IF I WANTED TO SEE THAT,
WHERE EXACTLY I WOULD LOOK?
>> IT'S WALKING STRAIGHT TOWARDS
US, SEE?
>> DAD, IMAGINE A LASER COMING
FROM MY FINGERS.
>> WHAT?
>> DO YOU SEE THE THIRD CLOUD ON
THE SIDE OF THE SKY?
>> THE SIDE OF THE SKY?
>> RIGHT THERE AT 12:00.
>> EAST COAST OR WEST COAST
TIME?
>> LOOK, THE DEER'S RIGHT THERE,
YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.
>> BUT I DON'T, AND I DON'T WANT
TO.
>> SHOOT, I THINK Y'ALL ARE
MAKING THIS UP.
>> ALL RIGHT, DADDY, IT'S OKAY.
LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
>> YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT GREAT OF
A DEER.
>> OH MY GOD, IS THAT THE ONE ON
MR. REYNOLDS'S WALK?
>> I WILL NOT.
I HAVE LOST ALL INTEREST IN THE
DEER.
>> IT'S RIGHT THERE WAVING AT
US!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T CARE IF IT'S DOING
THE MACARENA.
>> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST
TURN AROUND AND YOU'LL SEE IT!
>> OKAY.
FINE.
BUT IT BETTER BE THERE.
>> OH!
>> I'M GOING TO BURN THIS WHOLE
HOUSE DOWN.
>> IT WAS RIGHT THERE, IT JUST
JUMPED DOWN.
>> Y'ALL ARE MESSING WITH ME,
JUST LIKE WHEN YOU PULLED MY
PANTS DOWN AT THE YANKEE GAME.
>> I DIDN'T PULL YOUR PANTS
DOWN, THEY WERE LOOSE, THEY FELL
ON THEIR OWN.
>> WHATEVER.
EVERYBODY ALWAYS MESSING WITH
ME.
>> OH MY GOD!
>> OH MY GOD, DEER IN THE HOUSE!
>> I DON'T WANT TO MEET HER.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT NO
DEER.
>> RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
>> HUGH?
WHO IS HUGH?
>> NOT HUGH, YOU.
>> ME, STOP MESSING WITH ME.
>> MR. REYNOLDS, IT'S GOT A
KNIFE!
>> WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MY GOD, DADDY, YOU SAVED
US!
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
PACK YOUR BAGS, GIRL.
YOU'RE MOVING BACK TO THE CITY.
OUT HERE FOOLING WITH THESE
DEER.
>> NO.
NO, DADDY.
WE LOVE IT OUT HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW YOU WORRY ABOUT ME, BUT I
PROMISE WE GOING TO BE OKAY.
>> WELL, I DO WORRY.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE MY BABY GIRL --
>> OH MY GOD!
MR. REYNOLDS, THE DEER'S PULLING
DOWN YOUR PANTS!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> GET HIM OUT, YOU PORNO DEER,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MESSING
WITH ME?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WELCOME TO THE SHOW! THE TEA IS HOT AND THE BRAS ARE OFF.
IT'S TIME FOR "GIRLS TALK."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M YOUR HOST, MONIQUE MONEY,
MONIQUE PROBLEM.
AND THIS IS "GIRL TALK," THE
TALK SHOW WHERE LADY TELL ME
THEIR PROBLEMS AND I KEEP MY
ADVICE REAL SIMPLE.
I'M LIKE A WISE OLD GRANDMA,
EXCEPT I STILL LOOK GOOD.
Y'ALL WANT TO KNOW MY
MEASUREMENTS?
MAYBE?
AS ALWAYS, WE GOT WILLIE IN THE
DEEJAY BOOTH.
>> I LOVE LIFE.
I GOT TWO GIRLFRIENDS.
THEY KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER.
AND THEY BOTH COOL WITH IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M STRONG AND I'M HAPPY.
>> OKAY.
GOOD FOR YOU, DEEJAY WILLIE.
THANK YOU.
>> HEY, THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET STARTED
WITH OUR FIRST GUEST.
PLEASE WELCOME STACY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AH, UH-HUH.
>> HOW YOU DOING?
>> HI, STACY.
>> TALK TO ME, WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU?
>> OKAY, WELL, HERE'S MY
PROBLEM.
MY BOYFRIEND OF FOUR YEARS JUST
ASKED ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
BUT I RECENTLY CAUGHT HIM
CHEATING.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
>> GIRL -- GIRL --
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIRLIE POP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.
I'M GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIS
ASS.
>> UH-HUH, THERE SHE IS, Y'ALL.
COME ON, GIVE IT UP.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY ON, LET'S GO AHEAD AND
BRING OUT OUR NEXT GUEST.
PLEASE WELCOME KIM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> HI, KIM, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
YOU?
>> OH MY GOD, EVERYTHING THAT'S
GOING ON WITH THE WORLD.
IT'S LIKE STRESSING ME OUT.
MY ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF.
YOU KNOW?
JUST SOUNDS LIKE IT'S ABOUT TO
BE COMPLEX.
SO WHY DON'T WE GET OUR
SUBTITLES ON FOR ANY WHITE
PEOPLE OR MEN TUNING IN?
GO AHEAD, KIM.
>> GIRL.
GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, GIRL.
GIRL!
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIRL.
GIRL?
GIRL-LA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW, WOW.
OKAY, STACY KNOWS HER STUFF.
DOES SHE KNOW HER STUFF OR WHAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I WILL BE HONEST, THAT JUST GOT
A LITTLE TOO REAL FOR ME.
WHY DON'T YOU PICK US BACK UP,
DEEJAY WILLIE.
>> OH, MAN.
I LOVE MY LIFE, YOU KNOW?
MY CLOTHES ARE AWESOME.
I GOT A COOL CAR.
I WAKE UP LAUGHING EVERY
MORNING.
BECAUSE MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN
MY DREAMS.
>> ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, DEEJAY WILLIE.
>> MAN, THANK YOU.
>> OKAY.
LET'S GO AHEAD AND BRING OUT OUR
FINAL GUEST.
PAUL, COME ON OUT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO PAUL, WHAT'S UP, WHY ARE YOU
HERE?
>> UH, WELL, I THOUGHT ANYONE
COULD COME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEY CAN.
>> OKAY.
SO MY ISSUE IS THIS.
I'VE GOT A GREAT JOB.
BUT I'M WORRIED IF I DON'T QUIT
NOW, I'LL NEVER PURSUE MY REAL
PASSION, DRAWING.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
>> MM.
GIRL.
>> UH-HUH, YEAH.
>> GIRL.
>> UH, OKAY.
SO QUIT MY JOB?
>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE
NOT GETTING IT.
STACY, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE
BOYFRIEND.
WHY DON'T YOU HELP US OUT, YEAH?
>> I GOT THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIRL.
>> OH, YEAH!
YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SHOULD QUIT DRAWING BECAUSE
I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT IT.
>> UH-HUH, THERE WE GO, BOOM!
>> WOW.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
SO I GUESS INSTEAD OF SAYING
THANK YOU I'LL TAKE A PAGE OUT
OF YOUR BOOK AND SAY GIRL!
[ BUZZER ]
>> NO.
>> NO WAY.
>> WOW.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT --
>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
PLACE MY SONG, DEEJAY WILLIE.
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> MAN, I HAVE BEEN FEELING GOOD LATELY. JUST HEALTHY, WHOLE.
>> I'VE BEEN FEELING FUEGO.
>> LOOKING FUEGO TOO.
>> IT'S IMPORTANT AS WE GET
OLDER WE START TAKING CARE OF
OURSELVES.
>> WELLNESS, IT'S SO IMPORTANT.
>> MY BIG THING I'M TRYING TO
CRACK IS MY SCREEN TIME.
RIGHT NOW I'M UP TO 23 1/2 HOURS
A DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'VE GOT TO DO BETTER.
>> THAT'S NOT GREAT.
>> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN
SHAPE.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF INTERMITTENT
FASTING?
>> YEAH, ARE YOU DOING THAT?
>> NO, INTERMITTENT SLEEPING.
TUESDAYS, WEDNESDAYS, THURSDAYS
I'M NOT SLEEPING.
>> IS IT WORKING?
>> NOT YET.
>> I'VE GOT THIS POST-WORKOUT
SMOOTHIE I'VE BEEN LOVING.
>> WHAT'S IN IT?
>> MILK, ICE CREAM, CHOCOLATE
SAUCE.
>> A MILKSHAKE?
>> YEAH, A MILKSHAKE, WHY?
WHAT DID I SAY?
>> WE'RE DOING SO WELL.
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> FEELING KIND OF MISERABLE.
>> HOW MISERABLE?
>> THE WORST.
>> I'M ON A NEW MEDICATION.
>> THAT'S GREAT.
>> IT'S LIKE ZOLOFT BUT JUST THE
SIDE EFFECTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HUH.
>> VERY DEPRESSED BUT MY PENIS
IS BROKEN.
>> THAT SUCKS.
>> I SIGNED UP FOR A NEW GYM.
IT'S CALLED CIGARETTE FITNESS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MY GOSH, A SMOKING GYM?
>> A SMOKING GYM, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN
BLEAT MONEY FROM YOUR BANK
ACCOUNT?
>> GOD, WE ARE DOING SO WELL
RIGHT NOW.
>> TOTALLY, WE'RE SLIPPING AWAY.
>> EVER SINCE THE PANDEMIC, THE
LIGHT KEEPS GETTING DIMMER.
>> DIMMER, FADING, YEAH.
>> I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DANCE.
>> REMEMBER DANCING?
>> NO.
>> IT WAS LIKE --
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE EVER DID
THAT.
>> OH, I'VE BEEN SEEING A
THERAPIST.
>> REALLY?
>> LIKE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S REALLY
THERE.
>> OH, LIKE A HALLUCINATION?
>> I'M TRYING TO KICK ALL MY BAD
HABITS.
I'VE GOT TO STOP GRINDING MY
TEETH.
>> OH!
>> YOU LOOK LIKE GOLLUM.
>> THE DAY I GO TO THE PARK,
TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND
START SCREAMING ABOUT HOW
THERE'S TOO MANY WIRES IN THE
WORLD.
>> ONE DAY IS ALL WE ASK.
♪ JUST ONE DAY ♪
>> HA HA HA!
>> WELLNESS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
ORAL-B MOUTH GUARD.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEGAN
THEE STALLION. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ ♪ ♪ I'M A BAD
AND I GOT BAD ANXIETY
PEOPLE CALL ME RUDE
CAUSE I AIN'T ♪
♪ LETTIN EM TRY ME
SAYIN I'M A -- CAUSE
I'M IN LOVE WITH MY BODY
ISSUES BUT NOBODY ♪
♪ I COULD TALK TO ABOUT IT
THEY KEEP SAYIN
I SHOULD GET HELP
BUT I DON'T EVEN ♪
♪ KNOW WHAT I NEED
THEY KEEP SAYIN
SPEAK YOUR TRUTH
AND AT THE SAME TIME ♪
♪ SAY THEY DON'T BELIEVE MAN
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GET INTO
MY FEELINGS FOR A SECOND
USUALLY I KEEP IT DOWN ♪
♪ BUT TODAY I GOTTA TELL IT
NOT THAT ANYBODY
GIVES A -- ANYWAY
BUT EVERYBODY TALKIN -- ♪
♪ PROBABLY SUCKS ANYWAY
Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW I FEEL
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ♪
♪ HOW I DEAL
TODAY I REALLY
HATE EVERYBODY
AND THAT'S JUST ME ♪
♪ BEIN REAL YEAH
MONDAY TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
BAD -- HAVE ♪
♪ BAD DAYS TOO
FRIDAY SATURDAY
SUNDAY JUMP IN
HOP IN ♪
♪ HAUL AWAY TO
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS
IT'LL BE OKAY
BOUNCE BACK CAUSE ♪
♪ A BAD -- CAN
HAVE BAD DAYS
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS
IT'LL BE OKAY ♪
♪ BOUNCE BACK CAUSE
A BAD -- CAN
HAVE BAD DAYS
IF I COULD WRITE ♪
♪ A LETTER TO HEAVEN
I WOULD TELL MY MAMA
THAT I SHOULDA
BEEN LISTENIN ♪
♪ AND I WOULD TELL HER SORRY
THAT I REALLY BEEN WILDIN
AND ASK HER TO FORGIVE ME
CAUSE I REALLY BEEN TRYIN ♪
♪ AND I WOULD ASK PLEASE
SHOW ME WHO BEEN REAL
AND GET EM FROM AROUND ME
IF THEY ALL BEEN FAKE ♪
♪ IT'S CRAZY HOW I SAY
THE SAME PRAYERS
TO THE LORD
AND ALWAYS GET SURPRISED ♪
♪ ABOUT WHO HE TAKE
MAN I'M REALLY
THINKIN BOUT
DIALIN 9-1-1 TIL I FREAK ♪
♪ CAUSE THEY PROBABLY
WON'T THINK IT'S THAT DEEP
AND I DON'T DO DRUGS
SO I NEVER GET A TIME ♪
♪ WHEN I'M AT EASE I CAN'T EVEN
HANDLE SMOKIN WEED
MARILYN MONROE ♪
♪ MY FAVORITE --
MY FAVORITE BAD
I THINK SHE THE GOAT
JAMMIN TO BRITNEY ♪
♪ SINGIN TO WHITNEY
I JUST WAN TALK TO
SOMEBODY THAT GET ME YEAH
MONDAY TUESDAY ♪
♪ WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
BAD -- HAVE
BAD DAYS TOO
FRIDAY SATURDAY ♪
♪ SUNDAY
BOUNCE BACK
HOP IN
HAUL AWAY TO ♪
♪ ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS
IT'LL BE OKAY
BOUNCE BACK CAUSE
A BAD -- CAN ♪
♪ HAVE BAD DAYS
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS
IT'LL BE OKAY
BOUNCE BACK CAUSE ♪
♪ A BAD -- CAN
HAVE BAD DAYS
MONDAY TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY ♪
♪ BAD -- HAVE
BAD DAYS TOO
FRIDAY SATURDAY
SUNDAY BOUNCE BACK ♪
♪ HOP IN
HAUL AWAY TO
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS
IT'LL BE OKAY ♪
♪ BOUNCE BACK CAUSE
A BAD -- CAN
HAVE BAD DAYS
ALL I REALLY WANNA HEAR IS ♪
♪ IT'LL BE OKAY
BOUNCE BACK CAUSE
A BAD -- CAN
HAVE BAD DAYS ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK, GOOD EVENING, WELCOME
TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
[ CHEERS ]
AFTER THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
SUBPOENAED DONALD TRUMP, TRUMP
RESPONDED WITH A 14-PAGE LETTER.
14 PAGES, OKAY, UNABOMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A
COINCIDENCE BUT TRUMP WROTE THE
LETTER ON THE SAME DAY THE FDA
CONFIRMED THE NATION IS
EXPERIENCING A SHORTAGE OF
ADDERALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I JUST KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE
IN COLLEGE, ANY TIME I WROTE A
14-PAGE PAPER THIS ONE NIGHT,
I'D ALSO TAKEN A DISTURBING
AMOUNT OF ADDERALL.
MY FAVORITE PART OF TRUMP'S
LETTER IS THE BEGINNING BECAUSE
IT'S ON REALLY NICE LETTERHEAD,
IT STARTS "DEAR CHAIRMAN
THOMPSON."
THE FIRST LINE IS JUST
SCREAMING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE READING A VICTORIAN
LOVE LETTER THAT SAYS, "MY
BELOVED WINIFRED, WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE COMMITTEE SHOWED A NEVER
BEFORE SEEN VIDEO OF JANUARY 6th
OF A DESPERATE NANCY PELOSI
SPEAKING ON THE PHONE WITH MIKE
PENCE, WHICH TO PENCE COUNTS AS
ADULTERY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN THE VIDEO, PELOSI SAID THAT
SHE WANTED TO PUNCH OUT DONALD
TRUMP AND KNEW IF SHE DID, SHE'D
GO TO JAIL AND BE HAPPY.
I ASSUME BECAUSE SHE OWNS STOCK
IN PRIVATE PRISONS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ MOANS ]
>>> DURING LAST NIGHT'S GEORGIA
SENATE DEBATE, RAPHAEL WARNOCK
ACCUSED HERSCHEL WALKER OF LYING
ABOUT WORKING IN LAW
ENFORCEMENT, THEN WALKER PULLED
OUT A PROP BADGE AND SAID,
QUOTE, I AM WORK WITH MANY
POLICE OFFICERS.
YET ANOTHER SIGN THAT HERSCHEL
WALKER IS HAS BRAIN PROBLEMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL,
SEEN HERE WATCHING SOMEONE GET
INJURED AT THE SPECIAL LICKS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SPECIAL OLYMPICS --
[ LAUGHTER ]
SAID THAT HE IS NOT CONCERNED
WITH THREATS DONALD TRUMP MAKES
AT HIS RALLIES TO REMOVE HIM AS
SENATE MINORITY LEADER.
McCONNELL SAID THE THREATS MAKE
HIM LAUGH HARDER THAN HIS
FAVORITE COMEDY SHOW "DAHMER."
>>> KANYE WEST'S ANTI-SEMITIC
TWEETS WERE CONDEMNED BY -- JUST
SAY LENNY KRAVITZ.
>> AFTER UNHINGED SOCIAL MEDIA
POSTS, ELON MUSK TWEETED, TALKED
TO YE.
>> EXPRESSED CONCERNS ABOUT
RECENT TWEET WHICH I THINK HE
TOOK TO HEART.
WELL THAT SETTLES IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF THERE'S ONE THING WE TRUST
ELON WITH, IT'S SUCCESSFULLY
READING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING'S
EMOTIONAL CUES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A FACEBOOK POST URGING MOMS
TO AVOID DISNEY'S REBOOT OF
"HOCUS POCUS" WENT VIRAL.
HERE TO DISCUSS IT ARE TWO
MOTHERS FROM TEXAS, DEBBIE HULL
AND STACY BUSEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MICHAEL CHE!
>> WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT "HOCUS
POCUS"?
>> A BUNCH OF WITCHES HARVESTING
CHILDREN?
RUNNING AMOK?
>> OH, SNACKING ON MY KIDS?
NOT UNDER MY HOUSE.
>> THIS IS A KIDS' MOVIE.
>> WE DON'T NEED A MOVIE WHERE
KIDS' SOULS ARE GETTING SUCKED
OFF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE DON'T, WE DON'T!
WE DON'T NEED TO SEE BETTE
MIDLER WEARING BIG OLD TEETH.
>> IT'S SATANIC.
IT'S GOING TO UNLEASH HELL.
IMAGINE THAT, IMAGINE THAT.
YOU'RE HOME --
>> WITH HELL IN IT!
>> SATAN WALKING AROUND, ERECT.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS IT MICHAEL CHE IN YOUR
LIVING ROOM?
HARD AS A ROCK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.
DEBBIE HOLE.
AREN'T KIDS MISSING OUT ON FUN
PARTS OF THE HALLOWEEN?
>> THERE'S NOTHING FUN ABOUT
HALLOWEEN.
>> CANDY?
>> SATANIC.
>> WHAT CANDY IS SATANIC?
>> SOUR PATCHES.
THINK ABOUT IT.
KIDS MAKING A BUNCH OF ARMIE
HAMMERS.
>> OH, OH.
AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON
SKEET HOLES.
>> OKAY, I WON'T.
>> YOU GOT HER STARTED.
>> RIGHT.
>> GOT HER STARTED.
TASTE THE RAINBOW?
DEMONIC.
I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, ANY
VENDING MACHINE WITH A SKITTLE
IN IT, THAT'S A WORMHOLE FOR THE
DEVIL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPER?
SUCK TILL I'M DEAD?
NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU GUYS ARE JUST CRAZY.
>> CRAZY ABOUT FAMILY, CHURCH,
AND LAUGHTER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ME, TOO!
EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS MAJORS
ME NERVOUS.
YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH LONG ENOUGH,
A DEMON WILL SWOOP IN IT.
WHAT DID I SAY?
>> YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> NO.
NO, SHE'S NOT.
SHE'S GOT A DEMACHINE IN HER,
PROBABLY CAUGHT IT HERE IN
S-N-HELL.
DEBBIE, DEBBIE.
DEBBIE.
WE SOLD A LOT OF LEGGINGS TO BE
HERE, GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF A BUNCH OF RATS COME IN HERE
AND START BUILDING YOU A THRONE,
I AM LEAVING NEW YORK.
DEMON, DEMON!
DEMON!
PUT A COLLAR ON SATAN AND TAKE
HIM BACK TO HELL.
CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME, DEBBIE
K. HOLE?
>> AND I'M BACK!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT WAS A LITTLE BIT FUN,
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.
IN CONCLUSION, SAY NO TO "HOCUS
POCUS" AND WE'LL ALL GO.
>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
>> WE GOT TICKETS TO "WICKED"!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> A POPULAR PELOTON INSTRUCTOR
IS SUING THE COMPANY FOR NEARLY
$2 MILLION ALLEGING THAT AN
EXECUTIVE MOCKED HIM FOR BEING
IRISH.
IN RESPONSE THE EXECUTIVE
COUNTER SUED HIM FOR ALL THE
TREASURE IN HIS POT OF GOLD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> MANHATTAN CONGRESSIONAL
CANDIDATE MIKE IPKUS STARRED IN
HIS OWN SEX TAPE IN AN EFFORT TO
PUBLICIZE HIS CAMPAIGN.
I'M GOING TO VOTE FOR HIM,
BECAUSE I WATCHED THAT VIDEO AND
WE SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME
POSITIONS.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>>> THURSDAY WAS NATIONAL NO BRA
DAY, WHICH I CELEBRATED BY NOT
SUPPORTING WOMEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A BRA JOKE.
>>> A UNITED AIRLINES PASSENGER
WHO WAS HIGH ON MUSHROOMS
ASSAULTED TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.
WHILE AT SPIRIT AIRLINES, BATH
SALTS ARE THE IN-FLIGHT SNACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> PEBBLES, WHO WAS THE WORLD'S
OLDEST LIVING DOG, DIED AT THE
AGE OF 22.
BUT IT'S OKAY.
HIS OWNERS KNEW THIS WAS COMING.
IF THEY DIDN'T KEEP HIM OFF MY
YARD.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>>> SOME PARENTS IN OREGON ARE
HAVING LARGE GROUPS OF THEIR
CHILDREN RIDE THEIR BIKES TO
SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME IN A
FORMATION THEY'RE CALLING A BIKE
BUS.
AND PEDOPHILES ARE CALLING A
BUFFET.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
>>> RESEARCHERS SAY THE NUMBER
OF GRAY WHALES OFF WESTERN NORTH
AMERICA HAS CONTINUED TO DECLINE
FOR SEVERAL YEARS.
IT'S A SAD FACT THAT MAKES ME
WONDER IF WHALE OIL IS REALLY
THE BEST WAY TO GIVE MY HAIR
THIS AMAZING VOLUME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF NFL
PLAYERS ARE FILLING UP THEIR OFF
TIME BY PLAYING CHESS WITH EACH
OTHER.
AND ALSO, LET'S SEE HERE --
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
[ LAUGHTER AND MOANS ]
HOW THEY'RE SPENDING THEIR TIME,
COLIN.
>>> A VIDEO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A
DOCTOR REMOVING NEARLY TWO DOZEN
CONTACT LENSES FROM A WOMAN'S
EYE THAT SHE HAD FORGOTTEN WERE
IN THERE.
YOU KNOW YOU MESSED UP WHEN YOUR
DOCTOR IS LIKE, "HEY, CAN I FILM
THIS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT
THE BENEFITS OF PREVENTIVE
COLONOSCOPIES MAY BE
OVERESTIMATED.
BUT THE PLEASURES ARE
UNDENIABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> BORDER OFFICIALS HAVE
DISCOVERED $400,000 WORTH OF
METH HIDDEN INSIDE PUMPKINS.
THEY COULD TELL THE PUMPKINS
WERE FULL OF METH BECAUSE THEY
ONLY HAD THREE TEETH LEFT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THINGS ARE GOING WELL, HERE
TO TALK ABOUT HOW HE'S ADJUSTING
IS OUR NEW CAST MEMBER DEVON
WALKER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, CHE.
>> ANY TIME, MAN.
HOW'S THIS WHOSE EXPERIENCE BEEN
FOR YOU?
YOU DIGGING NEW YORK?
>> NOT REALLY.
IF I'M BEING HONEST, I THINK NEW
YORK'S A LITTLE OVERRATED.
>> WOW.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> I'M FROM TEXAS.
>> OH.
[ CHEERS ]
>> YEAH, I MEAN, HONESTLY --
DON'T DO THAT, DON'T DO THAT.
I HATE HOW NEW YORKERS TALK
ABOUT WHERE I'M FROM.
EVERY TIME I TELL A NEW YORKER
I'M FROM TEXAS, THEY APOLOGIZE
TO ME LIKE I FOUGHT IN A WAR.
EVERY TIME, OH MY GOD, I'M SO
SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
TOUCH LIKE THAT.
TEXAS ISN'T A PERFECT PLACE BUT
EVERY TIME I STEP OUTSIDE MY
APARTMENT IN NEW YORK, I SEE THE
WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY
LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S A NORMAL THING TO SEE,
ALL RIGHT?
LIKE ONE TIME I SAW A KID GET
INTO A FISTFIGHT WITH A BIRD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THE BIRD WAS WINNING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I TOLD MY HOMIE HE WAS FROM THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, "OH, THAT'S JUST
MIKE."
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT THE KID OR THE BIRD.
YOU SAW THAT IN TEXAS, THEY'D
SHUT TEXAS DOWN FOR.
NOBODY WOULD GO TO SCHOOL OR
ANYTHING, THEY'D HANG OUT AT
HOME UNTIL THE VIBES GOT RIGHT
AGAIN.
>> I'M SURE YOU'LL START TO FIT
IN.
>> CAN I ASK THE AUDIENCE A
QUESTION?
>> OKAY.
>> HEY, GUYS.
Y'ALL THINK I LOOK LIKE A
CATCALLER?
>> YEAH!
>> NO!
>> I DON'T THINK I LOOK LIKE
ONE.
BUT EVER SINCE I MOVED HERE,
EVERY TIME I SEE A DUDE DOING A
CATCALL, WE HAVE ON THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETIMES I PASS WOMEN ON THE
STREET, THEY GO LIKE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW WHY IT HAPPENS.
I'M A LARGE MAN.
LARGE MEN BE RESPONSIBLE FOR A
LOT OF THE BAD THINGS
HISTORICALLY.
BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT HOW TO COMMUNICATE TO THESE
WOMEN I'M NOT GOING TO DO
ANYTHING WEIRD, SO ANY TIME ONE
TRIES TO AVOID ME, I'VE BEEN
"HEY, BABY GIRL, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, I'M REGULAR."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?
>> I DON'T KNOW, MY BODY'S BIG,
I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY VOICE
LITTLE.
>> YOU MIGHT BE OVERTHINKING IT.
>> I DON'T THINK I AM.
WATCH THIS.
HEY, REAL QUICK, WHERE ARE MY
STRAIGHT BOYS AT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, MORALE IS REAL LOW RIGHT
NOW, ALL RIGHT?
ODD TO ASK THAT QUESTION IN 19
THINGS, THE BUILDING WOULD HAVE
EXPLODED.
30 ROCK WOULD BE GONE BECAUSE
THE HETERO BOYS BROUGHT IT DOWN.
WE GET A LOT OF BAD PRESS RIGHT
NOW.
A LOT OF BAD PRESS.
I THINK WE CAN CHANGE IT.
I THINK CULTURE SHIFT, THAT'S
WHAT WE NEED.
I THINK ALL OF US NEED TO TRY TO
BE A LITTLE BIT MORE GAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SAY WHAT?
>> I SAID WHAT I SAID, MICHAEL,
ALL RIGHT?
OUR CULTURE IS BAD, WE NEED A
SHIFT, EVERY SINGLE YEAR 37 OF
MY HOMIES INVITE ME TO BE IN A
FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
I DON'T THINK THE STRAIGHT
COMMUNITY KNOWS WE DON'T HAVE SO
DO THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WANT MY BROTHERS TO BE FREE.
NEXT TIME ONE OF MY HOMIES ASKS
ME IF I'M DRAFTING TOM BRADY,
"NO, DOG, I'M TRYING TO KISS YOU
ON THE LIPS, ACTUALLY."
[ CHEERS ]
>> DEVON WALKER, EVERYBODY!
>> MICHAEL CHE!
FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO GET A BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKING EVERYWHERE, YOU CAME TO THE
RIGHT PLACE.
HERE WE WANT TO GET THOSE
BOOTIES READY FOR HALLOWEEN!
WHETHER YOU'RE DRESSING UP AS A
SEXY WITCH WITH A FAT ASS OR A
FIRST RESPONDER WITH A FAT ASS
OR EVEN JEFFREY DAHMER WITH A --
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.
>> FAT ASS!
>> ALL RIGHT, NOW.
IT'S TIME TO SWEAT.
LET'S START OFF IN A SQUAT AND
POP.
AND SQUAT AND POP.
NOW REMEMBER, WITH A BIG ASS
COMES BIG RESPONSIBILITIES.
IF YOU NEED A MODIFIED VERSION,
TRAIN YOUR EYES TO KEELY KAY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, ANYBODY LOOKING
NOT TO GET A BUTT, LOOK OUR WAY.
THAT'S KEELY, THAT'S KALIE KAY,
WE DON'T HAVE BUTTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT, WE GO FROM BACK TO
LEG.
A DRIVE FROM KANSAS TO IOWA,
THAT'S OUR ASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH MY GOD.
THEY LITERALLY HAVE NO BUTT.
>> YEAH, IT'S LIKE ACTUALLY
SPOOKY.
>> OKAY.
NOW TO WORK.
EVERYBODY, BUTT WITH THE BIG
BUTT.
IF YOU WANT TO -- GIRL, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE KEELY AND
KAMMIE KAY, I WILL NOT BE
OFFENDED.
>> NO, I NEED A BUTT, I'M
GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH AND
I'M TRYING TO DRAG A WAGON DOWN
THE AISLE.
>> THE FLOWER GIRL WILL BE ABLE
TO SIT ON YOUR ASS.
DROP YOUR LOAD, DROP YOUR LOAD.
AND ONCE AGAIN, FROM MY FLAT
BUTT ARMY?
DROP IT HIGH, DROP IT HIGH, DROP
IT HEAT.
>> ALL RIGHT, NOW.
BIG BOOTY, WIGGLE WITH IT,
WIGGLE WITH IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> TINY BOOTY, GET LITTLE WITH
IT, GET LITTLE WITH IT, LITTLE,
LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE.
LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE
WITH IT.
SAG THE ASS, RELEASE THE
TENSION.
SAG THE ASS, RELEASE THE
TENSION.
>> SAG THE ASS?
>> WHAT IS THAT EVEN
ACCOMPLISHING?
>> RIGHT NOW FOR YOUR BIG-BONED
BITCHES, I DON'T WANT YOU SEE YOU GRABBING QUARTER POUNDERS, I
WANT YOU SLINGING TEN POUNDERS.
>> DROP YOUR WAIST.
WIGGLE YOUR OWN SUB.
DROP IT LOW.
GRAB IT LOW.
GET SEXY WITH IT.
DROP IT LOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, MY APPLE BOTTOM.
GRAB YOUR KNEES AND WORK YOUR
HIPS.
AND WORK IT.
[ CHEERS ]
AND WORK IT.
>> GRAB YOUR PARTNER AND PUNCH
THEM IN THE BUTT.
>> SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND SO
SMASH THAT ASS DOWN.
>> BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTA!
>> THAT CAN'T BE A REAL
EXERCISE.
OKAY.
SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOME OF Y'ALL
ARE LOOKING AT BOOTY OVER THERE.
THAT'S OKAY.
THAT'S TOO LOW.
>> ATTENTION!
LINE IT UP!
OH, OH!
LINE IT UP!
THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU FEEL OUR MICRO CHEEKS,
YOU'RE IN THE GAME.
CHEEKS, CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE
GAME.
CHEEKS, CHEEKS, YOU'RE IN THE
GAME.
>> STOP!
>> YOU'RE IN THE GAME --
>> STOP WIPING YOUR ASSES ON US!
>> GET REAL.
>> DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
I WILL SUE YOUR FLAT ASS.
COME ON, Y'ALL.
BE NICE.
KEELY AND KAYLIE ARE MY FRIENDS.
THEY TOOK MY CLASS FOR SIX
YEARS.
>> YOU SHOULD GIVE THEM THEIR
MONEY BACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW.
AND THE BODY SHAMING CONTINUES.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE HAVE UGLY, FLAT BUTTS.
SORRY WE'RE NOT KARDASHIANS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OUR BACK SIDES ARE BASICALLY
PAPER PLATES.
WE WEREN'T GIFTED WITH THE
GENETICS OF IGGY AMELIA.
>> MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE.
>> NO, YOUR DEPLETED WHOOPEE
CUSHIONS ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I'M GOING TO LET YOU LEAD THE
CLASS WITH THOSE FLAT ASSES.
>> THANKS!
>> HIT OUR MUSIC!
>> IF YOU THINK THIS IS "THE
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN" MUSIC,
YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT.
NOW BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTA!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, MEGAN THEE
STALLION!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WHAT'S UP SNL HOTTIES?
WHAT'S UP, HOTTIES AT HOME?
♪ I AIN'T PERFECT
BUT ANYTHING I DID ♪
♪ TO ANY OF YOU
Y'ALL DESERVED IT ♪
♪ YOU SEE ME IN THAT MODE
DON'T DISTURB ME
WHEN I'M WORKIN' ♪
♪ YOU BETTER BACK UP
DON'T KNOW WHAT BE
IN THESE PURSES ♪
♪ AND I AIN'T SAY
EXCUSE ME, 'CAUSE I DID
THAT ON PURPOSE, YEAH ♪
♪ YOU SEE A STAR
UP IN THIS ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I BROUGHT
A 100 BLACK CARS IN THIS ♪
♪ KNEES FREAK
I DON'T LIKE NOBODY
TOUCHIN' ON MY ♪
♪ SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO BRING
MY OWN BOTTLES IN THIS ♪
♪ RIDIN' BY MYSELF SHOPPIN'
BAG IN THE BACKSEAT ♪
♪ WITH THE MONEY TO THEY EAR
DON'T ATTRACT ME ♪
♪ FLY OUT THE COUNTRY
LET A PRINCE BAG ME ♪
♪ NYMPHO, WANNA DO A
POCKETS NASTY ♪
♪ HATIN' ON ME
BUT IT'S COOL, LOVE ME ♪
♪ BODY BANGIN'
I AIN'T HAD TO LET
THE DOCTOR CUT ME ♪
♪ SICK OF BEIN' HUMBLE
'CAUSE YOU DON'T
RESPECT THAT ♪
♪ AND THE NEXT ONE OF Y'ALL
WANNA GET BOLD
I'M GON' CHECK THAT ♪
♪ AND THE NEXT ONE OF Y'ALL
BLOGS WANNA SPREAD LIES
I'M GON' SUE YOU ♪
♪ AND THE NEXT --
THAT BREAK MY NDA
THEY GOIN' FOR YOU TOO ♪
♪ NOW LISTEN TO ME
'CAUSE I'M GIVIN'
YOU A WARNING ♪
♪ YOU GON' HAVE TO PAY ME
FOREVER TRYNA BE CORNY ♪
♪ I'M FROM THE CITY
OF THE DRINK SIPPERS ♪
♪ SLIDIN', RIDIN'
PAINT DRIPPERS ♪
♪ SO BAD GOT THE
FAMOUS STAGE DIPPERS ♪
♪ POPPIN' ALL THE MUSIC
SO YOU KNOW
I'M KINDA SCREWED UP ♪
♪ WRIST SO ICY
TURN A DRANK INTO
A COOL CUP ♪
♪ GOIN' THROUGH SO SOME
SO I GOTTA STAY BUSY ♪
♪ BOUGHT A 'RARI
I CAN'T LET THE -- ♪
♪ I'M THINKIN'
CATCH UP WITH ME ♪
♪ IF THEY SAY THEY SEE ME
OUTSIDE OF A BOOKIE
THEN THAT WAS KIZZY ♪
♪ BARELY BE AT HOME
BUT I STILL PUT ON
FOR MY CITY ♪
♪ WHERE THE REAL -- AT
I'M GONNA BRING
REAL -- BACK ♪
♪ WHERE'S ALL THE
REAL WOMEN AT ♪
♪ FREE THE GUYS
BRING THE REAL -- BACK ♪
♪ WHERE THE REAL -- AT
I'M GONNA BRING REAL WOMEN
BACK ♪
♪ WHERE'S ALL THE
REAL WOMEN AT ♪
♪ FREE THE GUYS
BRING THE REAL MEN BACK ♪
♪ DEAR BROKE BOY
STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
I USED TO MESS WITH YA ♪
♪ POPPING PLAN B'S
'CAUSE I AIN'T PLANNED
TO BE STUCK WITH YA ♪
♪ MAN, I SEE YOU
STILL KICK IT WITH
THEM OPS ♪
♪ I'M THE ONLY REASON
THAT YOUR GOOFY SELF
GOT WOMEN ♪
♪ ALL THEM GIRLS
WANNA LOOK LIKE ME ♪
♪ SHE MOST LIKELY
ONLY MESSED WITH YOU
JUST TO SPITE ME ♪
♪ BUT PLEASE DON'T
GET IT TWISTED
I AIN'T TRIPPING ♪
♪ I NEVER PUT MY FACE IN IT ♪
♪ IF YOU WAS WONDERING
YEAH, BOY
I'M STILL THAT CHICK ♪
♪ I HAD TO BLOCK YOU
BUT YOU STILL GOTTA
WATCH THIS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WHO YOU KNOW
ROCK IT LIKE ME ♪
♪ NO BRA, TIGHT TEES
HEY SLICK BACK PONYTAIL
FEELING LIKE I'M ICE-T ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU GOOD
REAL HOOD
WHEN YOU WAKE UP ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT GIRL
WEAK IF SHE AIN'T
MESSING UP HER MAKEUP ♪
♪ MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE
I USED TO LET YOU TOUCH ME ♪
♪ I'D RATHER BE IN JAIL
BEFORE A BROKE BOY ♪
♪ LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF
'CAUSE THIS COULD GET UGLY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY IT'S --
GET MONEY ♪
♪ AND I DON'T GIVE A
IF THAT -- LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ BECAUSE -- THAT --
DON'T RUN ME ♪
♪ YOU BETTER
GET ON YOUR KNEES
AND EAT THIS -- RIGHT ♪
♪ BEFORE I HAVE ANOTHER
DO IT FOR ME ♪
♪ BECAUSE -- DON'T RUN ME
I RUN --
YEAH, YOU'S A -- ♪
♪ SUIT IN MY MEETING
WAGYU STEAK WHEN I'M EATING ♪
♪ MAKING SO MUCH MONEY
THIS BOY IS DUMB
IF HE'S CHEATING ♪
♪ CHICKS IS WATCHING
AND HATING
PUT THAT -- IN THEY FACES ♪
♪ I'LL BUY
THE WHOLE BUILDING ♪
♪ AND KEEP THEM GIRLS
IN THEY PLACES ♪
♪ HE SUBMERGED IN IT
LIKE A BAPTISM ♪
♪ HE HIT THIS WATER
THEN HE COMING BACK
A REAL -- ♪
♪ HOW YOU WANT A --
BUT DON'T WANNA WORK ♪
♪ HOW YOU WANT A HEY
THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE ♪
♪ TOLD BOY "NO"
THE FIRST TIME ♪
♪ TRIED TO SPARE
THIS MAN'S FEELINGS ♪
♪ NOW HE THINK
HE HURTING MINE ♪
♪ AND I BE AT WORK
WHILE YOU SLEEP ♪
♪ MY COOKIE IS THE MOST
EXPENSIVE MEAL
YOU'LL EVER EAT ♪
♪ STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
I USED TO TRUST YOU ♪
♪ THE ONLY ACCOLADE
YOU EVER MADE
IS THAT I -- YOU ♪
♪ YOU A --
IF YOU GET THE CHANCE
I BET YOU SNITCH ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER GET A CHANCE
TO TELL ME -- HEY ♪
♪ LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF
'CAUSE THIS COULD GET UGLY ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY IT'S
GET MONEY ♪
♪ AND I DON'T GIVE A --
IF THAT -- LEAVE TONIGHT ♪
♪ BECAUSE -- THAT --
DON'T RUN ME ♪
♪ YOU BETTER GET
ON YOUR KNEES
AND EAT THIS -- RIGHT ♪
♪ BEFORE I HAVE ANOTHER
DO IT FOR ME ♪
♪ BECAUSE -- DON'T RUN ME
I RUN --
♪ YEAH
YOU'S A -- ♪
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT'S ALREADY FALL.
WINTER WILL BE HERE SOON.
>> RIGHT NOW, MILLIONS OF CHILLY
WOMEN ARE SITTING IN THEIR VERY
DRAFTY APARTMENTS WITHOUT
BOYFRIENDS.
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
>> YOU CAN HELP.
FOR ONLY $1 A DAY, YOU CAN
PROVIDE GIANT, BROKEN-IN MEN
SWEATSHIRTS WHERE A SINGLE GIRL
CAN GET COLD EASY.
>> I BROKE UP WITH RYAN RIGHT
AROUND THE TIME IT STARTED
GETTING NIPPY.
>> I CAN LITERALLY SEE MY OWN
BREATH, THAT'S HOW COLD IT IS.
♪ HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH ♪
>> EVERY GIANT SWEATSHIRT
FEATURES A UNIQUE BOYFRIEND
DESIGN, LIKE NEW ENGLAND
PATRIOTS, SLIPKNOT, DUNDER
MIFFLIN.
>> I RAN INTO MY EX AT A COFFEE
SHOP.
HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME,
"ISN'T THAT MY SWEATSHIRT?"
IT WAS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM CALLING ME
OUT?
IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO STEAL
YOUR SWEATSHIRT, THEN WHY WAS IT
IN YOUR CLOSET?
♪ LIVING IN A GANGSTA'S
PARADISE ♪
>> I WENT TO A LAUNDROMAT,
OPENED A DRYER, AND GRABBED A
GUY'S STUFF.
HE CHASE MED FOR BLOCKS.
>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT.
I MISS DUTCH OVENS.
>> ME TOO.
>> HEY, TOM.
>> CALL ST. ANDREW'S CENTER FOR
SHIVERING GIRLS AND HELP
SOMEONE.
>> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR TO
WALK THE DOG?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ BELL RINGS ]
>>> HEY!
>> GET UP, GET UP!
♪
>> TURN THAT MUSIC OFF AND SIT
IN YOUR SEATS!
MY NAME IS MS. FINK.
AND I WILL BE YOUR SUBSTITUTE
TEACHER TODAY.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR
REGULAR TEACHER DOES DURING THIS
CLASS, BUT I AM HERE TO
INSTRUCT.
AND YOU ARE HERE TO LEARN.
AND THERE IS ONE MORE THING YOU
SHOULD KNOW.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
♪
NOW, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE
BEEN TOLD YOUR WHOLE LIVES.
YOU ARE NOT DUMB.
YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE.
MAYBE EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE
THINKS IT'S HIGH SCHOOL, THEN
THE STREETS, THEN PRISON.
BUT NOT ME.
WHEN I LOOK AT THIS ROOM, I
DON'T SEE THUGS.
I DON'T SEE DUMMIES.
I SEE A GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE
WHOSE ONLY FAULT WAS BEING BORN
THE WRONG COLOR IN THIS COUNTRY.
SO YES, YOU MAY BE DUMB TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WHAT YOU ARE TOMORROW STARTS
RIGHT HERE IN THIS CLASSROOM.
AM I UNDERSTOOD?
>> YES.
>> OKAY.
>> NOW, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
HOW MANY OF YOU CAN READ?
>> UM -- ALL OF US?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MISS, THIS IS AN HONORS LEVEL
PHYSICS CLASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS CLASS IS THAT?
>> YEAH.
EVERY CLASS AT THE SCHOOL IS
HONORS LEVEL.
>> THIS IS A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL?
OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE ALL HAD TO TAKE A
COLLEGE-LEVEL TEST TO GET IN
HERE.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DID THE PRINCIPAL NOT TELL
YOU?
>> NO.
>> AND WAIT, WHO IS CALLING US
DUMB?
♪ NOBODY ♪
>> BUT WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE
CLASS, YOU GAVE THAT LONG
SPEECH, YOU SAID PEOPLE WERE
SAYING WE WAS DUMB.
WHO IS THAT?
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHO SAID WE WERE BORN THE
WRONG COLOR?
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
>> YEAH, THAT SOUNDED RACIST AS
HELL.
>> IT DOES NOW, YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL DID YOU SAY
THERE WAS, AGAIN?
>> IT'S A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL, MISS.
>> STANDS FOR SCIENCE,
TECHNOLOGY, ENGINEERING, AND
MATH.
>> MM, MM.
ALL SUBJECTS I KNOW VERY WELL.
S-T-E-M.
BUT I LIKE TO SAY IT STUDENTS
FOR "STUDENTS TOGETHER ACHIEVING
MUCH."
>> MISS, THE WORD "ACHIEVING"
STARTS WITH AN "A."
>> HM, EXACTLY.
DID WE ALL HEAR THAT?
LET'S ALL TRY TO BE MORE LIKE
LAQUANTISHA.
>> MY NAME IS AMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> QUIET UNLESS CALLED ON.
LET'S BEGIN THE LESSON.
WHERE DID WE LEAVE OFF IN THE
TEXT?
>> CHAPTER 237, PARTICLE
BEHAVIOR IN WAVE MECHANICS.
>> BIG OLD BOOK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WILL READ.
A PHOTON CAN BEHAVE BOTH AS A
WAVE AND A PARTICLE.
THIS -- HM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> UM, MISS, IT'S "DUALITY."
>> ONE MORE TIME FOR ME, BABY?
>> "DUALITY."
>> DETENTION!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THAT CONCLUDES THE READING.
STUDENTS --
♪
HERE'S SOME TRUTH FOR YOU.
SOMETIMES THE TEACHERS ARE THE
ONES WHO ARE DUMB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SOMETIMES THEY TAKE A JOB
NOT REALIZING IT'S AT A S.T.A.M.
SCHOOL.
>> UM -- IT'S A S.T.E.M. SCHOOL,
MISS.
WITH AN "E."
>> DETENTION!
AND SOMETIMES THAT MAKES THEM
SAY AND DO RACIST.
BUT YOU CAN'T HOLD THAT AGAINST
THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE SOME OF THESE TEACHERS
DID NOT GO TO COLLEGE.
>> BUT MISS, I THOUGHT YOU HAD
TO GO TO COLLEGE TO BE A
TEACHER.
>> DETENTION!
THE POINT IS, I BELIEVE IN YOU.
AND THAT IS WHY I SHOULD STILL
GET PAID FOR TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CLASS DISMISSED!
>> BUT THE BELL DIDN'T RING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES!
THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN
DOOR?
>> MISS, THE DOOR OPEN IN,
YOU'VE GOT TO PULL IT.
IT'S A "PULL."
>> DETENTION!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>>> THEY ONLY GIVE YOU 20
SECONDS, EVERYTHING HERE AT
"SNL."
I REALLY WANT TO SAY THANK YOU
TO MY WHOLE TEAM.
WE'VE BEEN WAKING UP EVERY DAY,
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, COME DO
THIS.
THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY AT "SNL"
THAT REALLY HELD ME DOWN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU TO MY TEAM, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU EVERYBODY IN THE CROWD
TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THANK YOU TO THE HOTTIES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WITHOUT THE HOTTIES, THERE WOULD
BE NO HOTTIES TO COACH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD NIGHT!
♪