[ APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING.
I'M JUDY WOODRUFF. AND THIS IS THE PBS NEWS HOUR. WE'RE WHAT YOUR GRANDMA IS
TALKING ABOUT WHEN SHE SAYS, I SAW THIS ON THE NEWS. WITH THE MIDTERMS LESS THAN TWO
WEEKS AWAY, REPUBLICANS SEEM TO BE SURGING WITH A STRONG MESSAGE FROM CANDIDATES WHO
HAVE GONE FROM UNDERDOGS TO STARS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. BUT HOW?
TONIGHT WE SPEAK TO THREE OF THEM. FIRST, SENATE CANDIDATE FROM
GEORGIA, HERSCHEL WALKER. HELLO, JUDICE. MY NAME IS HERSCHEL WALKER,
TEXAS RANGER. AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED AIRLINES.
NEXT IS PENNSYLVANIA'S REPUBLICAN SENATE CANDIDATE, DR. OZ.
HELLO, JUDY! MY PENNSYLVANIA PHILLIES ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES.
AND I JUST HAD A DELICIOUS PHILADELPHIA CHEESE AND STEAK. YUM!
ALSO JOINING US IS ARIZONA'S REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR GOVERNOR, CONSIDER -- KERI LAKE.
GREAT TO BE WITH YOU, JUDY ON YOUR SWEET LITTLE SHOW FULL OF LIES.
OKAY. WELL, ALL THREE OF YOU HAVE BEEN GAINING IN THE POLLS THE PAST
FEW WEEKS DESPITE NONE OF YOU HAVING ANY POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. CORRECT.
PROUD OF IT. MR. WALKER, YOU'RE NOW WITHIN PLEA POINTS OF SENATOR RAPHAEL
WARNOCK. THE WHOLE WORLD IS A MYSTERY, AIN'T IT?
FOR PER EXAMPLE, A THERMOS, IT KEEPS THE HOT THINGS HOT, BUT ALSO THE COLD THINGS COLD.
MY QUESTION IS, HOW DO IT DECIDE? SO WE GOING TO BE LOOKING INTO
THAT VERY MUCH. WELL, YOU'VE HAD A TOUGH CAMPAIGN.
A SECOND WOMAN HAS NOW CLAIMED YOU PAID FOR HER ABORTION, AND A EX-WIFE HAS SAID YOU ONCE HELD A
GUN TO HER HEAD. WHY ARE GEORGIA RESIDENTS VOTING FOR YOU?
GAS. OKAY. GAS PRICES ARE HIGH, BUT IS
THERE MORE TO IT THAN THAT? YES. OF COURSE THERE IS.
I'M FUN. IF YOU WANT TO GET ON THE JUMBO TRON AT THE PACKERS GAME, YOU
GOT TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF. LIKE THE GREAT DONALD TRUMP SAID, I CAN PAY FOR AN ABORTION
IN THE MIDDLE OF FIFTH AVENUE AND NOT LOSE ANY VOTERS. THAT'S A PROMISE FROM ME, HER
SHELL. NOW, DR. OZ, YOU CAUGHT UP TO YOUR CANDIDATE RECENTLY.
I SURE HAVE. I WAS A LONG HAD SHOT JUDY. BUT I WAS TOLD, YOU CAN WIN THIS
ELECTION IF YOU'RE HONEST, FAIR, AND IF YOUR OPPONENT HAS A DEBILITATING MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
WE'RE VERY LUCKY. MS. LAKE, YOU WERE A LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR AND A DEMOCRAT FOR
SEVERAL YEARS, AND YOU'RE GAINING VOTERS, HOW? BECAUSE I'M NORMAL, JUDY.
I'VE MET WITH THE WONDERFULLY TERRIFIED OLD PEOPLE HERE IN FLORIDA.
ALSO, I'M A FIGHTER. IN MY LIFE, I'VE SENT BACK OVER 2,000 SALADS, OKAY?
AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO DO THE SAME THING WITH DEMOCRACY. VERY WELL.
NOW, ONE OF YOUR MAIN CAMPAIGN ISSUES IS THE DENIAL OF 2020 ELECTION.
CAN YOU MEDIA TYPES GET OVER THE ONE THING I'VE MADE THE CENTER OF MY CAMPAIGN FOR MONTHS
AND MONTHS. ARIZONAENS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM, LIKE
CRIME IN NEW YORK OR CRIME IN DETROIT, OR THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE, DRAG QUEEN DRESS TIME,
INTRODUCING CHILDREN TO THE JOYS OF READING. NOT ON MY WATCH?
CAN YOU PASS IT TO ME, PLEASE? I'M OPEN.
LISTEN, JUDICE. WE GOT BABIES OUT HERE IN SCHOOL FIEG AS A POKEMON.
THAT'S CRAZY. MY SON IS A BOY LAST TIME I CHECKED BY TEXT.
HE CERTAINLY AIN'T NO SNORLAX. AND THAT'S JUST ALL RIGHT. EXCUSE ME.
I'M GETTING ALL WORKED UP RIGHT NOW. MY HEAD IS GETTING VERY HOT.
JUDY, WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES, AND I RECOMMEND THIS MIRACULOUS DRUG TO HELP THEM
LOSE 30 POUNDS IN JUST ONE CALENDAR DAY. GREAT.
NOW, MS. LAKE, YOU HAVE PROPOSED SOME BIG CHANGES TO LOCAL VOTING LAWS.
IF YOU BECOME GOVERNOR, DO YOU PROMISE TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE'S VOTE COUNTS?
IF THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA ELECT ME, I'LL MAKE SURE THEY NEVER HAVE TO VOTE EVER AGAIN.
SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT KIND OF ELECTION, DENIAL CONTRIBUTES TO VIOLENCE.
LIKE CRAZY ODD MEN IN TACTICAL GEAR WAVING ASSAULT RIFLES AT BALLOT BOXES?
THAT'S JUST ARIZONA, BABY. NOTHING I SAY CAN BE INCENDIARY BECAUSE I SAY IT IN TV VOICE.
SO JUMP ON TO KERI LAKE, ARIZONA. IT'S PLACID AND SERENE ON TOP,
BUT UNDERNEATH, IT'S A WHOLE LOT OF GIARDIA. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, AND
THANK YOU TO DR. OZ AND HERSCHEL WALKER. GO HALLOWEEN.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST, JACK HARLOW.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK HARLOW! [ APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
MY NAME IS JACK HARLOW. IT'S BEEN A BIG YEAR FOR ME. [ APPLAUSE ]
I PUT OUT MY SECOND ALBUM. I WENT ON A WORLD TOUR. I JUST SHOT MY FIRST MOVIE,
"WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP." AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING, LIKE, I'M THE G.O.A.T.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T MEAN GREATEST OF ALL TIME. THEY MEAN THAT ONE FROM NARNIA.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT ME, BUT PEOPLE ON THE
INTERNET LIKE TO ROAST ME. AND I DON'T MIND. I THINK IT'S FUNNY.
I SAW ONE GUY SAY, I DON'T KNOW WHY Y'ALL THINK JACK HARLOW IS SO SPECIAL.
YOU CAN FIND ANYONE THAT LOOKS LIKE HIM AT ANY LOCAL GAS STATION.
I'VE HEARD THEM SAY I LOOK LIKE IF YOU TRIED TO DRAW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE FROM MEMORY.
[ LAUGHTER ] I THINK MY FAVORITE ONE IS JACK HARLOW LOOKS LIKE THE GUY WHO
RIPS THE TICKETS IN HALF AT THE MOVIE THEATER. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT, Y'ALL AGREE WITH THAT? THERE'S ALSO A STRANGE AMOUNT OF RUE MORSE ABOUT ME.
SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M ONLY 5'10", STOP IT. OTHER PEOPLE THINK I WAS CREATED
BY THE CIA. NO TELLING. SOME PEOPLE HAVE EVEN GONE AS
FAR AS ACCUSING ME OF BEING WHITE. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I'VE SEEN A LOT OF KIDS RUNNING AROUND DRESSED AS ME FOR HALLOWEEN, AND I WANT TO SAY,
CUT IT OUT. MY CULTURE IS NOT A COSTUME. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'VE ALSO HEARD PEOPLE TRY TO ROMANTICALLY LINK ME AND LIL NAS X AS AN ITEM.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, NO. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN
HIM AND I WAS CASUAL AND CONSENSUAL AND ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
[ APPLAUSE ] WORKING WITH HIM, WORKING WITH HIM.
WHAT'S REALLY CRAZY, THOUGH, IS THIS SHOW IS LIVE. IT'S ONE OF THE LAST REAL LIVE
SHOWS. BASICALLY IT'S THIS AND "THE OFFICE."
I CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. LIKE NO ONE CAN STOP ME.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY ON THIS STAGE. IN FACT, I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO
LEAVE THIS STAGE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? McKAYLA.
EVERYBODY GIVE IT UP FOR McKAYLA PLEASE. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE
TO SAY WITH THE WORLD WATCHING? HUGE JACK HARLOW FAN. UNBELIEVABLE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. EVERYONE, SERIOUSLY, GIVE IT UP FOR McKAYLA.
WOW. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. LISTEN.
I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO MY FAMILY. MY MOM AND DAD ARE HERE TONIGHT.
MY GRAND PARENTS ARE HERE TONIGHT. I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU.
Y'ALL ARE THE REASON I GET TO STAND ON THIS STAGE AND SAY, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK WE|LL BE BACK
AND DOONEY, NO MATTER COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, I'M GOING TO LOVE YOU UNTIL I GOT NO MORE
LOVE TO GIVE. I SWEAR THAT TO YOU. WHATEVER.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, PATCH. NOW, IF ANYONE HERE HAS REASON WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED,
SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE. YEAH, I GOT A REASON.
BABE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST SAYING I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL LIKE MARRYING YOU NO MORE
ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR BEST MAN CAME TO OUR WEDDING DRESSED LIKE JOKER.
YOU DON'T LIKE ME BEING DRESSED LIKE JOKER? NO, CLINT, I DON'T LIKE IT.
I KNOW WE'RE GETTING MARRIED ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU BEING DRESSED LIKE
JOKER. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, I THOUGHT I
COULD DRESS LIKE JOKER. CLINT, I TOLD YOU MULTIPLE TIMES.
YEAH, BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO DRESS LIKE JOKER. BUT I TOLD YOU NOT TO.
BUT I SAID I WAS GOING TO DRESS LIKE JOKER. BUT I SAID NOT TO DO THAT.
BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO DRESS LIKE JOKER. YOU RUINED MY WEDDING, CLINT.
BECAUSE I DRESSED LIKE JOKER? YES.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL DREAMING ABOUT MY WEDDING, MY HUSBAND'S BEST MAN WASN'T
DRESSED LIKE JOKER. I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR WEDDING.
IF CLINT GOES TO TAKE OFF THE JOKER RIGHT NOW, CAN WE STILL PLEASE BE BRIDE AND GROOM.
YES. THANK YOU, BABY. CLINT, GO TO THE BATHROOM.
CHANGE OUT OF JOKER RIGHT NOW. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE OUT OF JOKER.
COME ON, CLINT! YOU MY BEST FRIEND. YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO
MARRY DOONEY EVER SINCE I SAW HER. AND YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN
WANTING TO DRESS LIKE JOKER EVER SINCE LAST HALLOWEEN! I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE JOKER
NO MORE, CLINT. BUT I DO WANT TO BE JOKER, DOONEY, AND I THINK EVERYBODY IN
HERE SHOULD GET TO VOTE ON IT. FINE! WE'LL ALL VOTE ON IT.
NO, PAT. BUT HE'S RIGHT. IF EVERYBODY WANTS HIM TO STILL
BE JOKER, HE SHOULD GET TO. WELL, THEN I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BRIDE AND GROOM NO
MORE. I DO WANT TO BE BRIDE AND GROOM WITH YOU MORE THAN
ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH, BUT WE GETTING MARRIED ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, WE GOT TO RESPECT THAT
SOME PEOPLE GOING TO SHOW UP LIKE JOKER. THIS PLACE COULD HAVE BEEN
CRAWLING WITH JOKERS, DOONEY. BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, WE WILL
NOW VOTE ON JOKER. COUSIN BECCA, DO YOU THINK CLINT SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT STILL
GET TO BE JOKER? CLINT, ON THE ONE HAND, I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S HALLOWEEN
NIGHT, AND ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, YOU SHOULD GETS TO BE JOKER, BUT DOONEY DON'T WANT YOU TO BE
JOKER NO MORE, THEN MY VOTE IS YOU SHOULD NOT BE JOKER. THANK YOU, COUSIN BECCA.
UNCLE TED, ARE YOU PROJOKER OR PROJOKER? DOONEY, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE
NIECE. HOWEVER, GIVEN THAT IT IS HALLOWEEN NIGHT, THE ONE NIGHT A
YEAR IN WHICH EVERYONE IS ALLOWED TO BE JOKER, I VOTE THAT CLINT SHOULD CONTINUE TO BE
JOKER. ALL RIGHT. GAMMA JUDY, IT'S DOWN TO YOU.
SHOULD CLINT OR SHOULD NOT CLINT CONTINUE TO BE JOKER AT OUR WEDDING?
DOONEY, YOU MAKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
AWW, THANK YOU GRANDMA JUDY. THAT'S SO SWEET. AND CLINT, YOU KNOW I NEVER
LIKED YOU. YOU'RE A SKUNK AND AN ALCOHOLIC. BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU DON'T
LOOK EXACTLY LIKE JOKER! THANK YOU, GRANDMA JUDY. I WILL CHERISH THAT.
HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION? I HAVE. OKAY.
THEN SURVIVOR'S JEFF PROBST, PLEASE SHARE THE RESULTS. [ APPLAUSE ]
DOONEY, THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN. CLINT GETS TO BE JOKER. NO!
YEAH! PLEASE BRING ME YOUR TORCH. CONGRATULATIONS, CLINT, YOU GET
TO BE JOKER. WHOO! I GET TO BE JOKER!
HERE AT SKETCHERS, WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON TWO THINGS, MAKING STYLISH COMFORTABLE SHOES AT AN
AFFORDABLE PRICE. THAT'S WHY EARLIER THIS WEEK, WHEN KANYE WEST SHOWED UP AT OUR
CORPORATE OFFICE ASKING TO WORK WITH US, WE SAID NO. NO WAY.
NO THANK YOU. AND WE IMMEDIATELY ESCORTED HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING.
LIKE THE REST OF THE COUNTRY, WE WERE APPALLED BY KANYE'S HORRIFIC COMMENTS, AND WE VOWED
TO NEVER WORK WITH HIM IN ANY CAPACITY. BUT CAN WE ALSO POINT OUT THAT
OF ALL THE COMPANIES HE COULD HAVE APPROACHED AND BEEN REJECTED BY, HE CLOSE SKECHERS.
WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HIP COMPANY. OF COURSE HE CAME TO US
FIRST. KANYE CAME TO SKECHERS, AND WE SAID NO.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW INSANELY SATISFYING THAT IS? I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
SKECHERS EMPLOYEES ARE HEROES. COULD YOU HAVE IMAGINED THAT LINE TWO YEARS AGO, SKECHERS TOO
GOOD FOR KANYE? CORPORATE WAS LIKE, WE CAN'T WORK WITH KANYE WEST, HE'S CRAZY
NOW. I WAS LIKE, NOW? IT TOOK ADIDAS SOME DAYS TO
DECIDE NOT TO WORK WITH HIM. HE WALKED IN AND WE WERE LIKE, BYE, BYE BYE, DOOR.
AND OF COURSE, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECT PARTNERSHIP. WE INVENTED SHOES YOU CAN
WASH IN A WASHING MACHINE. BUT, AGAIN, WE WOULD NEVER PARTNER WITH HIM.
NEVER. ABSOLUTELY NOT. BESIDES, WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN
CALL A KANYE SKECHERS SHOE ANY WAY? THE SKEEZY?
THAT'S NOT BAD. BUT WE'RE NOT DOING IT. RIGHT.
BECAUSE OF THE ANTI-SEMITISM. I'M PROUD TO WORK FOR SKECHERS.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAID THAT? ALL WE WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW IS
WHERE WE STAND AND TO RECOGNIZE HOW COOL THIS MAKES US LOOK. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S ALL ABOUT
US. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE ALL BIRDS IS FIGHTING THE FIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED WE HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING FROM CROCS. AND TO THINK, KANYE WEST
COULD HAVE BEEN MY BOSS. THAT IS -- TERRIFYING. SO THANKS BUT NO THANKS,
KANYE. WE DON'T NEED YOU. WE DON'T STAND WITH US.
WE MIGHT MESS UP IN THE FUTURE, BUT WE DIDN'T THIS TIME. AND BESIDES, I'M SURE KANYE
WILL FIND SOME MORALLY DUBIOUS COMPANY TO WORK WITH INSTEAD. HE SURE WILL.
IT'S ME, MIKE LINDELL, FOUNDER OF MY PILLOW, AND I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE WE ARE STARTING TIES
WITH KANYE WEST EFFECTIVE
WELCOME, EVERYONE. I'M TEE I CAN'T LEFAYE. IT'S 2:00 A.M., AND THE STREETS
ARE ABSOLUTELY PACKED WITH ADULTS IN COSTUMES LEAVING BARS IN COSTUMES AND TRYING TO GET
BACK TO WHERE THEY LIVE. THE STARS ARE OUT TONIGHT, AREN'T THEY, DEAN?
THEY ARE. LOOK WHO'S HERE. A DRUNK GUY IN AN INFLATABLE
DINOSAUR COSTUME. AND I THINK HE'S GOING TO FALL AND GET HURT.
THERE IT IS. TINA. WELL, DEAN, I'M HERE WITH AN
ABSOLUTE ICON OF THE POST HALLOWEEN SCENE, A WASTED WHITE GIRL WHO CAN'T FIND HER UBER.
I AM HERE. WHERE ARE YOU? NOW, MISS, I SEE YOU'RE
HOLDING YOUR SHOES INSTEAD OF WEARING THEM. CAN I ASK WHY?
BLISTERS. DUDE, OH, MY GOD. SPEAK ENGLISH!
UH-OH, THINGS ARE GETTING RACIST HERE, SO DEAN, BACK TO YOU.
I'M HERE WITH ANOTHER LATE-NIGHT HALLOWEEN STAR, A GUY WHO IS UPSET PEOPLE DIDN'T
APPRECIATE HIS COSTUME. LOOK, MAN, I'M SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK.
IT'S FUNNY. THIS IS A GENIUS COSTUME. WHATEVER.
PEOPLE ARE DUMB. OKAY. AMAZING.
TINA. NOW I RARELY GET STAR STRUCK, BUT JUST BESIDE ME IS A STAPLE
OF POST HALLOWEENS EVERYWHERE. IT'S A GUY THAT REALLY WANTS YOU TO ASK ABOUT HIS COSTUME.
I SEE YOU CLAIM TO BE THE SCARIEST THING IN THE WORLD. AND WHAT IS THAT?
THE PATRIARCHY. AND I SEE IT'S SPELLED WRONG. YOU CLEARLY HOPED THIS COSTUME
WOULD GET YOU LAID. HAS IT WORKED? NO.
BUT THE NIGHT IS YOUNG. HARD PASS. DEAN.
TINA, WE'RE HOPING HE WOULD SHOW UP TONIGHT, AND HE HAS.
WHAT UP? WHAT UP? SIGMA.
SIGMA. HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT?
I'M CHILLING, BRO. SIGMA! ALL RIGHT.
SIGMA. NOW I HAVE TO ASK, HOW HAS THE COSTUME GONE OVER?
I MEAN, THE VIBE I'M GETTING IS PEOPLE WERE CHILL, LAUGHED THEIR ASSES OFF.
WOMEN WHO ARE SMART ARE LIKE DISGUSTED BY ME. AND WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU
TONIGHT? I'LL PROBABLY GET IN SOME LEGAL TROUBLE OR SOMETHING, BUT
MY DAD WILL HANDLE THAT FOR ME. YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN SCORE SOME COKE?
SORRY, I DON'T. NOT THE LAST TIME WE'LL BE ASKED IF WE KNOW WHERE TO GET
COKE TONIGHT. I'M HERE WITH A REAL HIGHLIGHT OF THE POST HALLOWEEN SCENE, A
GUY WHO WAS IN A GROUP COSTUME BUT LOST HIS FRIENDS. MY FRIENDS AND I WENT AS THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE, AND NOW I CAN'T FIND THEM. NOW EVERYBODY THINKS I'M A REAL
COP, AND I'M NOT. THIS IS A SQUIRT GUN. IT'S FILLED WITH TEQUILA.
I NEED MY FRIENDS! YIKES. DEAN.
WELL, WE HEARD A RUMOR SHE WOULD BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE. IT'S AN IMPOSSIBLY DRUNK DORA
THE EXPLORER. THIS IS FUN. SHE'S -- WHOA!
SHE'S SO FADED, SHE'S ONLY SAYING ONE THING, AND IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH
HER COSTUME. TOM BRADY. ONE MORE TIME.
TOM BRADY. ALL RIGHT. AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING TOM
BRADY. TOM BRADY. OKAY.
WELL, BEST OF LUCK TONIGHT, AND I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR PANTS. TINA.
OKAY. WELL, I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO STOP, BUT BEHIND ME, YOU CAN
SEE THE SOBER MIDDLE-AGED MAN WHO IS TRYING TO WALK HIS DOG. EXCUSE ME.
PEOPLE LIVE HERE. THANK YOU! DEAN.
WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T NORMALLY SEE AT 3:00 A.M., IT'S A DAD WHO CLEARLY FORGOT TO
TAKE HIS KID TRICK OR TREATING EARLIER. GO ASK HIM FOR SOME CANDY.
I DON'T HAVE ANY. I'M SORRY. CAN I ASK WHY YOU HAVE A CHILD
OUT AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING? YEAH. YOU CAN ASK SHEILA.
SHE TEXTED ME AT 8:00 P.M. SAYING I'M DROPPING HIM OFF, AND I SAID, NOT MY WEEKEND, SHEILA.
I'M GETTING MY DRINK ON, SHEILA. AND SHE SAID, IT IS YOUR WEEKEND, WHICH IT TURNED OUT IT
WAS. WE OUT HERE, SO IT'S FINE. WHAT'S YOUR CHILD DRESSED AS?
OH, HE A CHIPOTLE BAG. OH, THAT'S SO COOL, BUDDY! YEAH.
WOW. TINA. WOW INDEED.
WELL, WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, BUT WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE AHEAD, INCLUDING TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
IF THE GUY BEHIND ME IS DRESSED AS DAHMER OR IS AN ACTUAL PERVERT.
I VOTE FOR PERVERT. PLUS MORE WITH OUR BAD DAD. HEY, MAN.
I'M A GOOD DAD. YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME COKE?
I DO NOT. KEEP IT RIGHT HERE.
THE MIRROR AND I DIDN'T SEE MYSELF ANYMORE. I SAW A GUY WHO STEALS FROM HIS
OWN MOTHER FOR ANOTHER BOTTLE OF BOOZE. BUT I'M GRATEFUL FOR 90 DAYS
WITH NO DRINK. THANK YOU SO MUCH, SPENCER. WHO ELSE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE.
HOW ABOUT YOU, JESSE? YOU HAVE BEEN COMING FOR A WHILE, AND YOU'VE NEVER SHARED
WITH THE GROUP. WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A
WHILE. PLEASE. YOU CAN TELL THIS GROUP
ANYTHING. OKAY. HERE IT GOES.
I HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA FOR A PIXAR MOVIE. WHAT'S THAT?
A CONCEPT FOR A TOUCHING COMPUTER ANIMATED FILM THAT'S ABOUT LOST LUGGAGE TRYING TO
FIND ITS WAY HOME. ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST STAY ON THE TOPIC OF
RECOVERY. DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO SHARE? JACKIE?
JACKIE, ALCOHOLIC. HI, JACKIE. ON TUESDAY, I DROVE TO A
LIQUOR STORE, AND I -- I'M SORRY. SO THE SUITCASES ALL HAVE
PERSONALITIES? YEAH. AND THE ZIPPERS ARE THEIR
MOUTHS. I ACTUALLY MARKED UP SOME ARTWORK.
SO THIS GUY IS THE MAIN CHARACTER. HE'S LIKE A REGULAR EVERYDAY
SUITCASE, AND THEN YOU GOT THE BRIEFCASE GUY. HE'S A LITTLE UPTIGHT, BUT HE'S
FUNNY. THAT'S JASON BATEMAN. I RITTERLY WROTE THAT.
AND THERE'S A GYM BAG. DON'T TELL ME. HIS NAME IS JIM.
IT IS. AND MAYBE THERE CAN BE A LADY SUITCASE WHO'S GOT, I DON'T
KNOW, BOOBS. WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN LOOK LIKE?
WELL, I DID MARK UP SOME ARTWORK JUST NOW. OH, AND MAYBE THERE'S A
MINION TYPE CHARACTER LIKE A NECK PILLOW THAT GOES LIKE BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP.
YOU'RE IN THE MOVIE. WHOA. CAN I BE IN THE MOVIE?
NO. BUT GET THIS. THERE'S THIS OTHER BAG, RIGHT?
PIERRE. HE ACTS ALL CULTURED LIKE HE'S BETTER THAN THEM.
I HATE THAT BAG. RIGHT. BUT LISTEN.
HALFWAY THROUGH, THIS BAG GIVES AN EMOTIONAL SPEECH WHERE HE OPENS UP, KIND OF LIKE US RIGHT
NOW. I DRANK RECENTLY BY THE WAY. WHAT?
ANYWAY, ANYWAY, THE BAG GOES, SURE, I HAVE BEEN TO PARIS, MILAN, TOKYO, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN
TO THE AIRPORTS AND HOTELS. I'VE NEVER SEEN THESE PLACES. BUT THEN, AS THE CREDITS ROLL,
WE SEE PICTURES FROM ALL THESE FAMOUS LANDMARKS. THE BAGS TOOK PIERRE TO FINALLY
SEE THE WORLD. I LOVE THAT BAG NOW. WHAT ABOUT THE SONG?
WHAT? WHAT? ALL THESE MOVIES HAVE SOME
KIND OF BIG SONG, SOMETHING THEY CAN SING AT THE OSCARS. SHE'S RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD IT SOUND LIKE? I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE --
* WHEN YOU LOST YOUR WAY, AND YOU'RE FAR FROM HOME * * TAKE FAITH IN NEW FRIENDS
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALONE * * AND PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE * * EVERYBODY'S GOT TO -- PACK
YOURSELF WITH LOVE * * A SUITCASE WITH BOOBS * * YOU MAY BE LOST BUT YOU CAN'T
GIVE UP HOPE * * YOU GOT TO PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE *
I GUESS THE LAST QUESTION IS WHO'S GOING TO PLAY THE MAIN SUITCASE?
OUR EVERY MAN, OUR WOODY? IS THIS AA? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M TOM H. I'M HERE TO RESEARCH A ROLE AND ALSO I MAY BE AN ALCOHOLIC.
YO, TOM. IF YOU WERE A SUITCASE, WHAT WOULD YOUR CATCH PHRASE BE?
HUH. ASUITCASE. WELL, I GUESS IT WOULD BE
SOMETHING LIKE, THAT REALLY SNAGS MY ZIPPER! YOU GOT THE PART!
* PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE, EVERYBODY * * PACK YOURSELF WITH LOVE *
I'M GOING TO GET SOME MORE POPCORN. YOU WANT SOME?
SURE. SOMETIMES, A FAMILIAR FACE CAN BE THE MOST TERRIFYING.
IN POLITICAL NEWS, PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS SAID HE INTENDS TO RUN FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2024.
NO. YOU TRUSTED HIM ONCE. I KNOW HE'S A LITTLE OLD, BUT
HE CAN STILL WIN, RIGHT? HE BEAT TRUMP. BUT CAN HE BEAT DeSANTIS.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW! CAN WE TRUST HIM AGAIN?
HE'S 79 NOW. ELECTION IS TWO YEARS. SO THAT MEANS -- AHH!
WHEN IT FEELS LIKE NOTHING'S GOING RIGHT -- GAS PRICES ARE STILL KIND OF
HIGH. IT KIND OF IS. WHY ARE WE SO WORRIED?
HE'S DONE SO MUCH! BUT HE FELL OFF HIS BIKE ONCE!
AHH! ACCORDING TO THIS ARTICLE, HE'S NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO RUN
IN 2024, HE'S JUST SAYING HE IS TO PRESENT A UNITED FRONT BEFORE THE MIDTERMS.
WHAT A RELIEF. I MEAN, I LOVE THE GUY, BUT HE DID HIS PART.
BUT IF BIDEN'S NOT GOING TO RUN, WHO WILL. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE
TERROR WAS OVER -- I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, KAMALA.
WAKE UP! YOU REALIZE IT'S JUST BEGINNING.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE. CORY BOOKER! HE'S CORY!
LISTEN TO YOURSELF! FROM THE CREATORS OF SMILE AND THE TWISTED MINDS OF MORNING
JOE. AHH! GUYS.
NOT AGAIN. I HAVE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE. BABE?
A SUPERSTAR WHO CAN GO ALL THE WAY. HILLARY.
AHH! I'M WITH HER. I'M WITH HER.
IT'S THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST.
THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE. BIDEN, MAYBE? ARE WE BACK TO BIDEN.
I LIKE BIDEN. SO BIDEN? BIDEN'S GREAT, RIGHT?
HE'S BIDEN. 2020 PART
PLACE. IT'S GOT A GREAT REVIEW IN SAN DIEGO MAGAZINE.
WELL, I AM STARVING. ALL I NEED IS THE WAITER SO I CAN GET MY GUAC ON.
HELLO. WELCOME TO CASITA. MY NAME IS DUKE SAINT SHOOT.
AND I AM EARL IS TWIRL JAZZ. NICE. WELL, WE WOULD LOVE TO START
WITH SOME TABLE SIDE GUAC. WE'RE OUT OF AVOCADO, CILANTRO, AND RED ONION
UNFORTUNATELY. HOWEVER, HER HORNED UP TO PREPARE YOU A FLIGHT OF TABLE
SIDE COCKTAILS THIS EVENING. MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS. THEY MAKE DRINKS RIGHT AT YOUR
TABLE. I THINK WE JUST WANT FOOD. SOLIDS CAN WAIT.
OUR FIRST COCKED CLASSIC SCREWDRIVER WITH FLAIR -- HEY! **
WELL, THAT WAS FUN. YEAH. AND YOU MISSED THE GLASSES A
LOT. NEXT, WE WILL MAKE YOU A CUSTOM BEVERAGE.
OH, I DON'T DRINK. WELL, THEN WE CAN MAKE YOU A VAGIDO.
WHAT IS A VAGIDO? DID THEY MEAN MOHITO? CONCOCTION NUMBER TWO, HIT
IT! ** ALL RIGHT.
REALLY WORKING THOSE NAPKINS, HUH? HERE WE GO.
BIG FINISH. BIG FINISH. DOESN'T MATTER.
WERE WE SUPPOSED TO CATCH THOSE? YEAH.
THAT WASN'T EVEN VIRGIN. I SAW YOU PUT RUM IN IT. AT LEAST WE GOT TO HEAR THAT
SONG AGAIN. SHOUTOUT TO OUR DJ. HE'S A BUSBOY.
EVERYONE IN HERE IS LUCKY AS HELL. YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL HAVE?
A NEGROII WITH PERSECO IN THEM. WE DON'T MAKE THOSE. YEAH, WE DON'T BEND TO
LESBIAN TIKTOK. YO, DUKE, EARL, MAKE THEM A LONG BROWN.
WHAT ON EARTH IS A LONG WRONG. GIN AND NESQUICK.
CONCOCTION NUMBER THREE, HERE WE GO! DOESN'T MATTER.
WE GOT THE TABLE. DOESN'T MATTER. IT ACTUALLY DOES MATTER.
THERE'S GLASS EVERYWHERE. OKAY. WOW.
Y'ALL HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT. EXCUSE ME? MAYBE YOU'LL REMEMBER US NOW.
YOU WEREN'T WEARING MUSTACHES. WE FORGOT TO PUT THEM ON.
BUT WE SERVED YOU IN 2017. WE MADE YOU ALL DELICIOUS MARGARITAS.
AND YOU SAID -- THIS ISN'T A MARGARITA. IT'S A MOUNTAIN DEW.
RIGHT. YOU GUYS IMMEDIATELY STARTED CRYING.
THE POINT IS YOU LIT A FIRE UNDER OUR ASSES. AND WE TRAINED FOR FIVE YEARS
TO COME BACK HERE AND PROVE TO YOU THAT WE ARE THE BEST BARTENDERS IN THE WORLD.
MASHED AVOCADO WITH CILANTRO AND RED ONIONS. SO YOU DO HAVE GUAC.
MORE VAGIDOS. **
HARLOW. [ APPLAUSE ] **
* I KNOW OF THAT YOU SICK OF BEING MY LITTLE SECRET * * I KNOW THAT YOU SICK
OF BEING MY FAVORITE * * I KNOW THAT YOU HATE THE FACT THAT I'M FAMOUS *
* HATE THE FACT THAT YOU GOTTA WAIT * * BUT YOU GONNA WAIT
WHY * * 'CAUSE YOU CONFIDENT THAT WE SOUL MATES *
* I TOLD MY THERAPIST ABOUT YOU * * SHE ALWAYS TAKES
YOUR SIDE * * AIN'T NOBODY I LOVE MORE I JUST NEED MORE TIME *
* SPENDING TIME WITH SOMEBODY ELSE * * AND I GET TO WISHIN'
THAT SHE WAS YOU * * ANY GIRL CAN BE BEAUTIFUL BUT NOT ANY GIRL CAN
JUST BE IN TUNE * * AND YOU SO IN TUNE YOU UNDERSTAND ME *
* I MAKE YOU LAUGH AND YOU SAY TO ME THAT YOU CAN'T STAND ME *
* YOU SOUL FOOD AND YOU EYE CANDY * * I WANT TO MEET
YOU IN MIAMI * * I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY *
* AND I KNOW THAT YOU SICK OF BEIN' MY LITTLE SECRET * * I KNOW THAT YOU SICK
OF BEIN' MY FAVORITE * * I KNOW THAT YOU HATE THE FACT THAT I'M FAMOUS *
* HATE THE FACT THAT YOU GOTTA WAIT BUT YOU GONNA WAIT *
* CAUSE YOU CONFIDENT WE SOUL MATES * * I TOLD MY THERAPAIST
ABOUT YOU * * SHE ALWAYS TAKES YOUR SIDE *
* AIN'T NOBODY I LOVE MORE I JUST NEED MORE TIME * **
* I BEEN A G * * THROW UP THE
L * * SEX IN THE A.M.
UH-HUH * * O-R-O-U-S YEAH *
* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS * * WHERE
UP IN THE SKY * * I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS, *
UP IN THE, UP-UP IN THE * * I CAN SEE THE WHOLE CITY FROM THIS BALCONY *
* BACK IN 2019, I WAS OUTSIDE FREELY * * BUT NOW THEY GOT IT
OUT FOR ME * * I DON'T CARE WHAT FRAT THEY WAS IN *
* YOU CAN'T ALPHA ME KEEP DREAMIN' * * PINEAPPLE JUICE
I GIVE HER SWEET SWEET, SWEET * * I KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE
SO I JUST KEEP CHEESIN' * * HARD DRIVE FULL OF HEAT SEEKIN' *
* TRYNA COME THE SAME DAY AS JACK RETHINK IT *
* YOU DON'T NEED GIVENCHY YOU NEED JESUS * * WHY DO Y'ALL SLEEP ON ME
I NEED REASONS * * I GOT PLAQUES IN THE MAIL PEAK SEASON *
* SHOUT OUT TO MY UPS WORKERS MAKIN' SURE I RECEIVE 'EM *
* YOU CAN DO IT TOO BELIEVE IT * * 'CAUSE I BEEN A
G * * THROW UP THE (L *
* SEX IN THE A.M. UH-HUH *
* O-R-O-U-S YEAH * * AND I CAN PUT YOU IN
FIRST CLASS * * WHERE UP IN THE SKY *
* I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS * * UP IN THE
UP-UP IN THE * ARE YOU READY? YES, I AM * THEY SAY
YOU A SUPERSTAR NOW * * DAMN I GUESS I AM *
* YOU MIGHT BE THE MAN WELL, THAT'S UNLESS I AM OKAY, I'LL CONFESS I AM *
* GO AHEAD AND GET UNDRESSED I AM *
* OKAY COOL YOU ON SUNSET I AM *
* I'M 'BOUT TO SLIDE OKAY, I'M OUTSIDE, OKAY * * THIS LIFESTYLE DON'T
GOT MANY DOWNSIDES * * 'CEPT FOR THE LACK OF TIME I GET 'ROUND MY *
* FAMILY, MAKIN' SURE THEY NEVER DOWNSIZE * * I GOT VISIONS OF MY MOM
SAYIN', WAIT THIS HOUSE MINE * * CAN'T LIE
I'M ON ANGUS CLOUD NINE * * I GOT 'EM ON THE BANDWAGON NOW
'BOUT TIME * * I AIN'T EVEN GOT NO DOWNTIME M
* EVERY TIME I SPEAK SHE SAY YEAH, THAT SOUNDS FINE *
* BECAUSE I BEEN A G * * THROW UP THE
L * * SEX IN THE A.M.
THAT'S RIGHT, LIKE * * O-R-O-U-S YEAH *
* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS * * WHERE
UP IN THE SKY * * I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS *
* UP IN THE UP-UP IN THE * * G-L
A-M * * O-R-O-U-S YEAH *
* AND I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS * * UP IN THE SKY
I CAN PUT YOU IN FIRST CLASS * **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. I'M MY WHICH HE WILL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST. EXCUSE ME. ELON MUSK OFFICIALLY BOUGHT
TWITTER FOR $44 BILLION BEATING OUT THE NEXT HIGHEST OFFER OF $0.
MUSK SENT AN OPEN LETTER TO ADVERTISERS SAYING HE DOESN'T WANT TWITTER TO BECOME A FREE
FOR ALL HELL SKYPE BECAUSE THAT'S HIS PLAN FOR MARS. I HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
PEOPLE ARE SO WORRIED ELON IS GOING TO RUIN TWITTER AS IF IT'S THIS BELOVED AMERICAN
INSTITUTION. IT'S NOT LIKE HE BOUGHT DISNEY WORLD.
IT'S LIKE HE BOUGHT THE REST OF ORLANDO. HER VERY WELL WAUNGER DENIED
ALLEGATIONS FROM A SECOND WOMAN THAT HE PUSHED HER TO HAVE AN ABORTION SAYING, I'M DONE WITH
THIS FOOLISHNESS, WHICH IS ALSO WHAT WALKER SAYS WHEN HE TAKES OFF THE CONDEMN.
THE WOMAN CLAIMS THAT WALKER DROVE HER TO AN ABORTION CLINIC, AND WHILE HE WAS IN THE PARKING
LOT, HE GOT TWO MORE WOMEN PREGNANT. JOHN FATTERMAN WHO'S STILL
RECOVERING FROM A STROKE AND DR. OZ MET FOR THEIR ONLY DEBATE BEFORE THE MIDTERMS, AND JUST
LIKE IN HIS PUPPY EXPERIMENTS, DR. OZ SHOWED NO MERCY. PET FETTERMAN BEGAN HIS OPENING
STATEMENT BY SAYING, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. IT'S A BIZARRE MOMENT THAT
DEBATE WATCHERS CALLED HIS HIGH POINT. I HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
FETTERMAN WAS ALLOWED TO DO THIS DEBATE. WHO'S HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER?
THE MIAMI DOLPHINS CONCUSSION MANAGER? IT'S NOT LIKE DR. OZ DID GREAT.
HE JUST DID SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN A RECENT STROKE VICTIM. AT ONE POINT, DR. OZ SUGGESTED
IF A WOMAN WANTS AN ABORTION, SHE SHOULD CONSULT A LOCAL POLITICIAN, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A
GREAT WAY TO GET AN ABORTION FIVE MINUTES LATE AND WAY OUT OF BUDGET.
THIS MY FIRST THOUGHT WHEN I HEARD A GUY MARCHED INTO NANCY PELOSI'S HOUSE WITH A HAMMER,
WAS, WAS IT KANYE? ADIDAS SAID IT WILL STOP MAKING YEEZY SHOES.
FANS SAY IT'S THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO THEM SINCE ANY PUDDLE. KANYE WEST ALSO PROBABLY CLOSED
DONZA ACADEMY, WHICH IS A PRIVATE SCHOOL WHICH ANNOUNCES PARENTS TO SIGN NONDISCLOSURE
AGREEMENTS. WAIT, WE CAN DO NDAs, SAID CATHOLIC PRIESTS.
IS IT JUST ME OR DID HALF THE COMPANY THAT IS DROPPED KANYE SOUND FAKE?
I SAW THE HEADLINE, TJ MAX CUTS TIES WITH KANYE. I'M LIKE, DID KANYE KNOW HE
WORKED FOR TJ MAX. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ANNOUNCE YOU WERE CUTTING TIES.
WE DIDN'T NEED PELOTON TO ANNOUNCE, WE'RE NO LONGER PLAYING KANYE'S MUSIC.
THANKS, NOW WE CAN REST EASY KNOWING WE WON'T HEAR GOLD DIGGER.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I STARTED GETTING EXCITED ABOUT WHO IS GOING TO ANNOUNCE NEXT.
DIPPING DOTS WILL NO LONGER WORK -- SCRUB DADDY WILL NO LONGER -- TCBY WILL NOW WATCH
THEIR CONE MENU, FEATURING THE NEW FLAVOR, NOUGETS IN PRETZELS. BUT THE CRAZIEST ONE, WHICH IS
SOMEHOW REAL, SOMEHOW REAL, IS THAT GOOD WILL DROPPED KANYE. THEY WILL NO LONGER -- THEY WILL
NO LONGER ACCEPT DONATIONS OF KANYE'S CLOTHING, WHICH IS IRONIC, BECAUSE KANYE'S LOST
ENOUGH MONEY THAT HE MIGHT NEED THEM. RASHEED SUNAK WILL BECOME
GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST PRIME MINISTER OF INDIAN DECENT. SAID HIS MOM, WHY NOT KING?
DURING A WHITE HOUSE CEREMONY, PRESIDENT BIDEN WISHED KAMALA HARRIS A HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
THEN ACCIDENTALLY CALLED HER A GREAT PRESIDENT. EVEN WORSE, HE WAS TALKING TO A
PORTRAIT OF MICHELLE OBAMA. THE POSTAL SERVICE ANNOUNCED A NEW STAMP HONORING RUTH BADER
GINSBURG. THERE'S ALSO A STAMP HONORING CLARENCE THOMAS THAT SAYS, FLIP
ME OVER AND START LICKING. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT DURING THE PANDEMIC, STUDENTS'
MATH SCORES DROPPED BY ALMOST 10%. WOW, SO MORE THAN HALF.
THE WORLD'S LARGEST SUSPENSION BRIDGE HAS OPENED IN MITCH.
FOR NOW, SAID BEAVERS. POLICE IN QUEENS WERE SEARCHING FOR A SUSPECT WHO
HIJACKED A BUS AND THEN IMMEDIATELY CRASHED IT INTO A UTILITY POLE.
OKAY. SO WE KNOW IT'S A WOMAN. THAT'S GREAT.
VIRGIN AUSTRALIA IS TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO CHOOSE THE MIDDLE SEAT BY ENROLLING THOSE
PEOPLE OVER 200,000 IN PRIZES. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SPIRIT AIRLINES IS OFFERING A FREE BAG
OF CARROTS IF YOU SIT IN THE BATHROOM. POLICE IN ENGLAND ARE NOW
USING SPECIALLY TRAINED TO GOES TO DETECT SEE MEN AT CRIME SCENES, REPLACING THE OLD METHOD
OF DETECTING SEE MEN, SLIPPING ON IT.
COUNTRY ARE GETTING READY FOR PARTIES AND TRICK OR TREATING. HERE IS OUR OWN DRUNK UNCLE.
GOOD SAVE. GOOD SAVE. THIS IS HALLOWEEN!
HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN! MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY! OH, I'M SORRY. YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY IT'S ALL
HALLOW'S EVE ANYMORE. YOU GOT TO CALL IT ALL HALLOW'S STEVE.
UGH. I DON'T THINK YOU DO. SO DRUNK UNCLE, YOU SAY YOU'RE
READY FOR HALLOWEEN. HALLOWEEN IS SOCIALISM, COLIN.
THESE KIDS TODAY, THEY DON'T EVEN WORK HARD JOBS NO MORE. YOU KNOW?
WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WERE SHOE SHINE, CHIMNEY SWEEPS, EXTRA, EXTRA PAPER BOYS.
NOWADAYS, IT'S JUST, COULD YOU INSTACART ME SOME MOCHI? WHAT?
I'M SORRY. CAN YOU MIND CRAFT MY META VERSE, PLEASE?
NO. YOU BE REAL. ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SO I GUESS YOU'RE NOT EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN. TOM WAS TOO GOOD FOR GISELLE.
OKAY. WHAT DO YOU -- WHAT DO YOU -- TIKTOK DANCE.
YOU LIKE IT. I DO.
THE WHOLE THING'S FALLING APART, COLIN!
OKAY? EVERYBODY'S QUIET QUITTING NOW. QUIET QUITTING?
THEY'RE QUIET QUITTING. EXCUSE ME. I QUIT.
EXCUSE ME, I QUIT. WE USED TO QUIT LOUD BECAUSE THEY HIRED A LADY MANAGER AND WE
WERE SCARED. AND ALSO A FEW -- A COUPLE OF THOSE IMMIGRANTES ILLEGADO.
IT'S-A-ME, CHRIS PRATT! NOT MY MARIO. DRUNK UNCLE.
YEAH, I WAS THERE ON JANUARY 6th. WHAT?
* TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT, I DON'T WANT TO LET YOU BEEP, BEEP, SHINE BEEP, BEEP *
OH, OH, NO, OH, DRUNK UNCLE. SO I'M NOT LYLE, LYLE CROCODILE, OKAY?
SO I DIDN'T GRADUATE FROM ABBOTT ELEMENTARY, OKAY? SO I'LL NEVER BE BEYOND BURGERS,
OKAY? NEVER. BIG LIKE A QUARTER POUNDER, PILL
LAY-O-FISH, HAPPY MEAL. JFK, BLOWN AWAY, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY?
THAT'S NOT ME. I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANYONE. DONDA?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT KANYE. OH, YES, I MOST CERTAINLY DO,
COLIN. I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO A WHOLE LOT OF WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.
OH, NO. AND GUESS WHAT? I THINK HE MIGHT BE CRAZY.
YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF TALK DOESN'T FLY ANYMORE, SETH. I LEARNED A LOT.
I LEARNED A LOT -- WHAT DID I SAY? I LEARNED A LOT DURING THE PAN
DEMI MOORE, OKAY? I KNOW THAT BLACK ADAMS MATTER. OKAY?
I SAW BROS IN THEATERS, PAL. OKAY? AND NO HOMO, IT WAS GREAT.
OKAY? I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.
GAY GUYS ARE STILL FUNNIER THAN WOMEN. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?
ELON. ELON WHO? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT HE JUST MADE ME CEO OF TWITTER. DRUNK
FINALLY. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAD TO WAIT AN HOUR AND A HALF FOR A STUPID
RIDE. I CAN. CELL BLOCK 666 IS SUPPOSED TO
BE THE SCARIEST RIDE IN FRIGHT NIGHT'S HISTORY. THERE'S ALL THESE TIKTOKS OF
PEOPLE PASSING OUT AND PUKING. IF I PASS OUT, DON'T HELP ME, FILM IT, AND POST IT, PLEASE.
HELLO, AND HELL COME TO CELL BLOCK 666. RIGHT THIS WAY.
OH, MY GOD. I'M ALREADY SCARED. YOU ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON A
TERRIFYING TOUR OF THIS PETRIFYING PRISON WHERE EACH CELL HOLDS AN ICONIC FRIGHT FROM
THE SILVER SCREEN. LET THE TOUR BEGIN. WE ARE APPROACHING OUR FIRST
STOP. TIME TO MEET THE SIN MATES. OPEN CELL 600.
RUN! AHH! YO, MICHAEL MYERS JUST MADE
ME LOW-KEY JUMP. THIS RIDE IS AWESOME. ONLY TIME WILL HELL.
THE NEXT CELL IS UPON US. OPEN CELL 661. MY NAME IS ANNA BELL, CAN YOU
PLAY WITH ME? NO. I HATE ANNA BELL.
I CAN'T WITH THAT LITTLE BITCH. YO, I REALLY MIGHT PASS OUT FOR REAL.
HAVE YOUR PHONES READY. YOU'LL NEVER BE READY FOR THE HORROR THAT YOU'LL FIND IN CELL
662! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M DAVID PUMPKIN, AND I'M
GOING TO SCARE YOU STUPID. ** ANY QUESTIONS?
ARE YOU SHAKING IN YOUR BOOTS? NO.
I'VE SEEN LIKE EVERY HORROR MOVIE EVER, AND NONE OF THEM HAD DAVID PUMPKINS IN IT.
I WAS KIND OF FEELING DAVID PUMPKINS, THOUGH. NICE CHANGE OF PACE.
SILENCE! A NEW CELL OF TERROR AWAITS. OPEN CELL 663.
YOU'VE FLOWN TOO HOT! YEAH, SEE, PENNYWISE MAKES SENSE BECAUSE HE WAS IN A HORROR
MOVIE. BABE, IT'S JUST A RIDE. I JUST WANT IT TO BE
CONSISTENT. THE NEXT SIN MATE IS DYING TO MEET YOU.
OPEN CELL 664. NO. WHO ARE YOU?
I'M DAVID PUMPKINS, MAN. RIGHT. DAVID PUMPKINS FROM?
BEFORE. WE KNOW! I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR DEAL IS. ANNA BELL IS A POSSESSED DOLL. DAVID PUMPKINS IS?
TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. AND THE SKELETONS ARE? NEXT TO HIM.
NOW, WATCH THIS. ** WHAT'S MY NAME?
DAVID S. PUMPKINS. AND WHERE AM I FROM? IBISA.
PRE GUNTA? SI. MUCHO.
HE'S FROM SPAIN? HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ACCENT. YO.
HE SAID HE WAS FROM THERE. DOESN'T MEAN HE GREW UP THERE. LET HIM WRITE HIS OWN STORY.
STOP TAKING DAVID PUMPKIN'S SIDE, DUDE. DAVID S. PUMPKINS, BABE.
OUR NEXT STOP IS DEAD AHEAD. OPEN CELL 665. THE STAR OF YOUR NIGHTMARES
IS -- DAVID PUMPKIN. ** YO, I DIDN'T SEE DAVID
PUMPKINS COMING, MAN. THAT WAS FIRE. WHY ARE YOU SO ON BOARD WITH
DAVID PUMPKINS? BABE, JUST IGNORE HIM. I CAN'T.
HE'S HOST OF THIS RIDE. SIR, WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DAVID PUMPKINS IN THIS?
WE SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON PENNYWISE AND FREDDIE KREUGER. THERE WASN'T A LOT OF ROOM IN
THE BUDGET. NOW, WE'RE HERE. THE INFAMOUS CELL 666.
WHY IS IT JUST YOU GUYS NOW? DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. **
YUMMY, DADDY. HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM US. AND ME!
OH, MY GOD! **
[ APPLAUSE ] ** * MY PET PEEVE IS
A CAMERA IN MY FACE HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF PERSONAL SPACE *
* I WALK AROUND TOWN IN A HOODIE AND SOME SHADES BUT NOW THEY STARTIN'
TO RECOGNIZE THE SHADES * * EVEN IF YOU HATE ME YOU WOULD TRADE
YOU WOULD LIVE THIS LIFE TOO CAUSE I GOT IT MADE * * I LIKE MY BED MADE
SOON ENOUGH, I'LL HAVE A MAID WHEN I BUY A HOUSE EVERY SURFACE GON BE SUEDE *
* BUT FOR NOW I GOT A CONCIERGE DOWNSTAIRS ALL MY NEIGHBORS
ARD· GRAY-HAIRED * * THEY DON'T RECOGNIZD· ME AND I DON'T THINK
THEY CARE * * BUT MY POSTMATES CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT I STAY HERE * * I WANNA GO BACK TO KENTUCKY *
* AND SHUT DOWN THE STATE FAIR * VISIT MY OLD TEACHERS
AND TELL 'EM TO TAKE CARE * * I MIGHT TAKE A WHIP INSTEAD OF PAYIN'
THE PLANE FARE * * I STILL REMEMBER THE WAY THERE
AIN'T A GIRL IN MY HOMETOWN I CAN'T HAVE NOW * * BUY A BUILDING IN CASH
AIN'T PUTTIN' HALF DOWN THE HATE USED TO GET TO ME I JUST LAUGH NOW *
* YEAH, THEY WITH JACK NOW * * LOOK HOW THEY ACT NOW
LOOK HOW THEY ACT NOW LOOK HOW THEY ACT NOW THEY ROCKING WITH JACK NOW.
THEY ROCKING WITH YOUR BOY. * LET ME HEAR YOU ONE TIME. TALK TO ME.
* BABY, I'M COMIN' HOME I KNOW THE KIDS MISS ME I NEED SOME TIME WITH
MY FRIENDS TO SIP WHISKEY * * I SPENT THE LAST TWELVE MONTHS LOCKED IN
BUT TONIGHT I'M CONTENT WITH EXISTING * * 2015, WE WAS ON
THAT PEN GRIFFEY I WANTED WHAT HE HAD BUT THE SHOES *
* DIDN'T FIT ME * * NOW THE CITY WITH ME AND I GOT THE KIDS LISTENING
AND I'M A SMOOTH OPERATOR BY INSTINCT * * WORD TO SADE, WALKIN'
'ROUND BROAD DAY * * LIKE HEY WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN
I'M ON BROADWAY * * AND IT WAS JUST A DAY AGO I WAS IN DIEGO
LIKE THE DAMN PADRES * * NOW I'M AT MY GRANDPARENTS LETTIN' MY GRANDPA SAY
WHAT HE WANTS TO SAY * * CAUSE NOWADAYS I'M IN THE PAPER ONCE A DAY
AND IT AIN'T ALWAYS POSITIVE IT'S A BUNCH OF THINGS * * BUT MAN, I DONE
GRADUATED FROM YOUNGER DAYS AND IF I AIN'T * * RUNNIN' THINGS
SOON I'LL BE RUNNIN' THINGS * * I'M AN ARTIST, MAN YOU JUST MAKE FUN OF THINGS
I'M THE HARDEST, MAN * * Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY *
* THIS ALBUM'S A MUSEUM SO PLEASE DON'T TOUCH A THING IT'S OKAY TO GIVE ME PROPS
DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A PAIN * * IT'S OKAY TO GIVE ME TOP DON'T MAKE IT SUCH A THING
DON'T GET OFFENDED IF WE MET AND I SAY WHAT'S YOUR NAME * * I BEEN FLYIN' ROUND THE
COUNTRY FOR THREE * * HUNDRED DAYS BUT I AIN'T 'BOUT TO JUSTIFY
HOW I ADJUST TO FAME * * THE FAME, FROM THE JUMP WE AIN'T BEEN CUT THE SAME
I GOT SO MUCH BUT I STILL THINK ABOUT WHATS OBTAINED * * NEVER BEEN THE TYPE
FOR WANTIN' THINGS I WANT POWER * I WANT MY LIFE TO SPEED UP
A COUPLE MILES PER HOUR I WANT MY DOGS TO KNOW THAT THIS IS OURS *
* I WANT RESPECT I DON'T WANT FLOWERS I KNOW THEY GON QUOTE THIS *
* THE FLOW DON'T MAKE NO SENSE * * THE POCKET IS POTENT
IT USED TO BE POTENTIAL BUT NOW IT'S SOME GROWN * * DAMN, THAT BOY FLOATIN'
HE TREAT THEM BEATS LIKE THEY OCEANS * * ALL THESE PEOPLE WANNA
GREET LIKE WE OLD FRIENDS I AIN'T HOLDIN' BACK TELL THE MEDIA HOLD THIS *
* I KNOW I SAID I MISS YOU BUT I SECRETLY DON'T MISS I GOT STORIES AND I'M BRINGIN
EM HOME WITH ME * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HELLO, I'M WHOOPI GOLDBERG, AND I'M TECHNICALLY NOT THE STAR OF THE VIEW, BUT I AM THE ONLY
ONE HERE WHO HAS EVER BEEN ASKED FOR AN AUTOGRAPH. AS ALWAYS, I'M JOINED BY THE
PIPPEN TO MY JORDAN, JOY BAY HART. COME ON, I'M RODMAN.
TELL ME I'M NOT RODMAN. I KNOW YOU'VE RUINED SOME HOTEL ROOMS IN VEGAS, THAT'S FOR
SURE. WE'RE ALSO HERE WITH A COUPLE MEMBERS OF THE B TEAM.
THANK YOU, WHOOPI. VERY NICE. ANYWAY, SOME OF YOU MAY RECALL
ON MONDAY, OUR INTERVIEW WITH TED CRUZ WAS INTERRUPTED BY CLIMATE CHANGE PROTESTS.
BUT TODAY WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO A MORE UPBEAT EPISODE WITH A VERY EXCITING GUEST.
PLEASE WELCOME JACK HARLOW! THANKS FOR COMING, JACK. HEY, LADIES, THANKS FOR
HAVING ME. CAN I JUST SAY, WHOP PI. IT'S AN HONOR.
YOU ARE AN ICON. DON'T COMPLIMENT ME ALL QUIET LIKE THAT, JACK.
I HAVE BEEN CLOSED FOR BUSINESS SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. WELL, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO
THE GRAND REOPENING. NO. I'M A DEAD WOMAN WALKING.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE TO OUR GUEST, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I WANTED TO SAY --
NO, NO. WE'RE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN. THEY CAME TO THE SHOW TALKING
ABOUT STOP BIG OIL. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? IT'S AN IMPORTANT ISSUE,
WHOOPI. HOW? I DON'T KNOW HIM.
SAVE THE PLANET. I'M ALREADY SAVING OUR RATINGS. WHOOPI.
JACK, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S ALL GOOD. WHOOPI, IS IT THE GLOBAL
WARMING, OR IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE? BABY, PLEASE.
WE WOULD NEVER WORK. THE ONLY MCs I NEED IN MY LIFE ARE MY CATS AND MY CIGARETTES.
CAN I JUST SAY, PERSONALLY, I THINK WE SHOULD SPEAK ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART, BUT WE MOVED ON. BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, THE
ONE AND ONLY BLACK HARLOW. STOP PLAYING WITH ME. IT'S JUST JACK.
I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU, DON'T YOU THINK THE WOMEN IN YOUR VIDEOS ARE OBJECTIFYING TO
WOMEN? OH, PLEASE. THEY TOOK THE DAMN ROLE.
SO JK WAB WHAT DO YOU SAY? I GUESS I'LL JUST SAY THERE'S A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN MY
VIDEOS. RIGHT NOW, WHAT I NEED MOST IS A WOMAN.
OKAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO TO ME.
BUT IT IS WORKING. I'M FEELING LIKE INDIANA JONES JUST STEPPED ON A BOOBIE TRAP,
BECAUSE MY WHOLE DUSTY CAVE HAS STARTED TO RUMBLE. I LIKE THAT MOVIE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD WATCH IT TOGETHER SOMETIME. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF
SNAKES. OKAY, JACK. AM I SENSING A METAPHOR?
WHOOPI, I'VE MET A LOT OF FOURS, BUT TODAY, I'VE MET A TEN.
WAIT A MINUTE. SO THE SNAKE WAS ABOUT HIS -- OH, MY GOD!
WELL, JOY, I AM WET. AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TODAY, FOLKS.
BRING IT TO MAMA.
WE WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO
TOM HANKS! BOBBY MOYNIHAN!
AND JEFF PROBST. AND LITERALLY, LITERALLY,
EVERYONE BEHIND ME. THANK YOU.
I HAD A GREAT TIME THIS WEEK. THIS IS GENUINELY A DREAM COME
TRUE. I GREW UP WATCHING THIS.
I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.