AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THIS TUESDAY, OUR MIDTERM ELECTIONS WILL DETERMINE THE FATE OF OUR
DEMOCRACY, AND LET'S JUST SAY, BIG YIKES. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I GUESS THE DEMOCRATS MESSAGE JUST AIN'T GETTING THROUGH. PLUS, I'M OVER HERE TALKING TO
PEOPLE WHO DON'T EXIST. I DON'T KNOW MUCH. WHO'S THAT?
NOBODY'S THERE. FOLKS, I'M TRYING LIKE HELL, I PROMISE.
I PASS THAT BIG ASS INFRASTRUCTURE BILL. REMEMBER THAT?
$65 BILLION. LOT OF YOU REP TYPES GOT BROADBAND INTERNET SO YOU CAN
SHARE YOUR PAUL PELOSI GAY INTERNET FICTION AT LIGHTNING SPEED.
YOU RIGHT THINKERS SURE DO LOVE THINKING UP THESE GAY SCENARIOS. KIND OF SUS.
I GET IT. I'M NO SPRING CHICKEN, BUT PEOPLE ARE YELLING AT OBAMA
CALLING HIM HOT. HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, GOOGLE YOUNG JOE BIDEN AND START A BUBBLE BATH.
YOU GUYS THINK I'M BORING NOW? WELL, I CAN DO CRAZY STUFF TOO. AHH!
I SCARED MYSELF. LISTEN, FOLKS, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY STARS ANYMORE. TOO MANY RAPHAEL WARNOCKS AND NOT ENOUGH HERSCHEL WALKERS,
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES BEFORE NEXT TUESDAY WITH THE DEM CHATS.
HEY, CALIFORNIA, SICK OF ADAM SCHIFF? MEET THE NEXT CONGRESSWOMAN.
IT'S MARIANNE WILLIAMSSON. AS A PROMINENT AUTHOR AND LEVEL FOUR ENCHANTRESS, I'M
READY TO FIGHT FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM, WHICH I CAN'T IN THIS BOWL.
SOUNDS COOL. AMERICA'S NEXT DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER, FOLKS.
NOW, I LIKE DR. OZ, THIS NEXT GUY HAS POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. HE WAS THE MAYOR OF FLAVOR TOWN
FOR OVER 20 YEARS, GUY FIERI. LISTEN, MAN, AMERICA'S HUNGRY FOR CHANGE, BUT DO Y'ALL WANT A
FULL PLATE OF PAID FAMILY LEAVE DRIPPING IN DONKEY SAUCE? FULL THROTTLE, WHOO!
LOVE THAT GUY. DREAM JOB. DREAM JOB.
HEY, OHIO, MEET YOUR NEXT SENATOR. HEY!
I WANT NO CAP ON SOCIAL SECURITIES. NO CAP.
DEMOCRATS, BABY. TRE WAY. TRE WAY!
WHAT A TERRIFYING YOUNG MAN. TIRED OF RICHARD WHITMER? MEET STORMY DANIELS.
HI, TV. I MAY BE A FORMER ADULT STAR, BUT I'M WILLING TO DEFACE MYSELF
AND ENTER U.S. POLITICS. I CAN WORK WITH ANYONE, AND I'M WILLING TO REACH AROUND THE
AISLE TO GET THINGS DONE. I THINK IT'S REACH ACROSS THE AISLE.
SURE. YOU DO YOU. TALENTED ACTRESS.
NOW INTRODUCING SOMEONE WHO'S GOING TO BEAT MARCO RUBIO BECAUSE SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO
FIGHT. SHE'S YOUR NEXT SENATOR FOR FLORIDA, AZAELIA BANKS.
I'M A WITCH, BITCH! OKAY. FINALLY, PEOPLE GOT MAT AT ME
ABOUT STUDENT LOAN FORGIVENESS, BUT HE'S IN CHARGE OF IT NOW. TRACY MORGAN.
OKAY. Y'ALL WANT THAT MONEY? WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE
AND RUB MY BELLY. THANK YOU, TRACY. EVERYBODY, GET UP HERE.
THERE THEY ARE, YOUR NEW DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES. ALL RIGHT, TEAM.
WHAT DO WE WANT? I KIND OF WANT SOME SUGAR-FREE WHITE CASTLE.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT? I MEAN, MY MIND IS LIKE WHENEVER YOU GOOD, BABY GIRL.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO, TEAM. WE'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! **
MUSICAL GUEST, STEVE LACY. AND YOUR HOST, AMY SCHUMER.
SCHUMER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S SO GREAT TO BE BACK HERE
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY. YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MY HULU SHOW,
"LIFE AND BETH "AND "INSIDE AMY SCHUMER IS BACK ON PARAMOUNT+" AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE THE
HONOR OF BEING THE FINAL HOST BEFORE THE MIDTERM ABORTIONS -- ELECTIONS.
WHAT DID I SAY? SORRY. I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT'S AT
STAKE IF WE DON'T VOTE. PEOPLE LOVE GIVING PREGNANT WOMEN ADVICE, DON'T THEY?
THE WHOLE TIME I WAS PREGNANT, I HAD THIS ONE FRIEND TELLING ME, YOU GOT TO DO PRENATAL YOGA.
IT REALLY HELPS WITH THE BIRTH. SO I IMMEDIATELY SIGNED UP FOR A C-SECTION.
BUT NO, I DID. I HAD A C, HE CAME OUT THE SUNROOF.
NO MATTER HOW YOU GIVE BIRTH, THE DOCTORS ALL TELL YOU -- IT COULD BE VAGINAL, C-SECTION.
THEY ALMOST NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR BUTT HOLE. BUT THEY TELL YOU, NO MATTER
WHAT, THE DOCTORS SAY, YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX FOR SIX WEEKS. YOU GOT IT?
SIX WEEKS, NO SEX. I WAS LIKE, OKAY. REMEMBER WHEN YOU JUST
WOLVERINED ME OPEN? REMEMBER THAT? HOW ABOUT SIX YEARS?
THAT'S WHEN I THINK I'LL BE READY. OKAY?
REMEMBER, HIS FOOT GOT CAUGHT ON MY INTESTINES. WHEN CAN I GET RAW DOGGED FROM
BEHIND? PLEASE. BUT MY HUSBAND AND I, WE DO HAVE
A GOOD SEX LIFE. MARRIED PEOPLE, WE HAVE FOUND THAT THE BEST WEEKDAY TO HAVE
SEX IS ALWAYS TOMORROW. YEAH. WE'RE LIKE, WE ATE TODAY.
MAYBE WE WON'T EAT TOMORROW. THAT WILL BE A GOOD DAY FOR US. MY HUSBAND'S THE BEST.
HE ALWAYS -- BEFORE WE HAVE SEX, HE PUTS THE LIGHTS ON, YOU KNOW, AND I SHUT THEM OFF, AND HE PUTS
THEM ON. AND HE'S LIKE, AMY, WHY ARE YOU SO SHY?
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY. I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SO CUTE.
YOU THINK I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO SWEET, RIGHT? BUT IT IS. I'LL BE HONEST, IT'S AWKWARD
HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE, IT IS. BECAUSE, LIKE, THAT'S YOUR
FAMILY. YOU KNOW? LIKE I HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH
YOU. I LAY OUT YOUR SWEATERS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE I CAN'T GO DOWN ON YOU. YOU'RE MY EMERGENCY CONTACT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
IT'S SICK. WE CAN'T TALK DIRTY TO EACH ANYMORE.
WE KNOW EACH OTHER TOO WELL. I'M ALWAYS LIKE, I'M GOING TO -- HE'S LIKE, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I'M LIKE, NO, NO, I'M NOT. WE DO A LOT OF ROLE PLAY. BUT I ALWAYS PICK THE SAME ROLE.
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, OKAY, I AM IN A COMA. [ LAUGHTER ]
GO. MY HUSBAND IS DIAGNOSED, HE'S ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM.
HE HAS AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER. USED TO BE CALLED ASPERGER'S, BUT TURNS OUT THAT HAD LIKE NAZI
TIES, KANYE. [ LAUGHTER ] WEIRD.
YEAH. ISN'T THAT CRAZY? BUT NO.
IT'S BEEN REALLY POSITIVE FOR OUR FAMILY TO HAVE HIM DIAGNOSED.
I UNDERSTAND SO MUCH MORE ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR, AND IT'S GIVEN HIM SO MANY TOOLS.
NOW, IF SOMEBODY IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG, BORING STORY, HE WILL STRAIGHT UP JUST WALK
AWAY. YOU KNOW? AND WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT THAT HE
HAS AUTISM, THEY DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT. THEY'RE LIKE, OH, DOES HE LOVE
TO COUNT? SHOULD WE DROP A BUNCH OF STRAWS ON THE FLOOR AND HE CAN GATHER
THEM AND COUNT THEM? I'M LIKE, YEAH, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY FUN.
I WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT. HE NEVER REALLY LANDS A COMPLIMENT WITH ME.
HE TELLS ME I LOOK COMFORTABLE A LOT. WE HAVE DIFFERENT LOVE
LANGUAGES. A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WE WERE SITTING OUTSIDE.
IT WAS A NICE NIGHT. IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS GOING TO RAIN.
I WAS FEELING SENTIMENTAL. I WAS LIKE, EVEN THOUGH THESE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS WITH THE
PANDEMIC AND EVERYTHING, IT'S BEEN SO STRESSFUL, STILL THIS TIME, BEING WITH YOU AND OUR
SON, THEY HAVE BEEN THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. AND HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND
SAID, I'M GOING TO GO PUT THE WINDOWS UP IN THE CAR. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. MY GUY. ONE OF THE TIMES WE PLAY THE
GAME AUTISM OR JUST A MAN. HMM. YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW. AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH WHAT HE SAID TO ME RIGHT BEFORE I CAME
ON STAGE TONIGHT. I SAID, BABE, IS THIS OKAY? AND HE SAID, WELL, IT'S TOO
LATE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STEVE LACY IS HERE, SOCK STI
AND THE MATSA BALL SOUP. ME, ME, ME. THAT'S FOR ME.
THANK YOU. I HAVE BEEN CRAVING THIS SOUP. I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU.
IT JUST LIKE BRINGS ME HOME. SMELLS AMAZING. WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.
I'M KIDDING, BUT I'M NOT BECAUSE LIKE I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SOUP LIKE NONSTOP.
FOR REAL, I WOKE UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP IS OTHER NIGHT JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS SOUP.
SAT STRAIGHT UP, EYES WIDE OPEN, AND THOUGHT MATSA BALL SOUP FROM MANNY'S LIKE A PSYCHO.
I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. I GUESS I HAVE SOME NEWS. OOH, WHAT IS IT?
MATT AND I ARE SEPARATING. OH, NO. WHAT?
GIRLY, FOR REAL? YEAH. BUT I DON'T WANT TO RUIN LUNCH.
JUST EAT. YEAH. YEAH.
LET'S LIKE EAT AND THEN TALK. THAT FEELS RIGHT. OF COURSE WE'RE NOT GOING TO
EAT. THAT IS SO SAD. OH, MY GOD.
I KNOW. GOD. THANK YOU FOR TELLING US.
OBVIOUSLY, LET US KNOW LIKE HOW IT WORKS OUT. HE SAID HE'S GOING TO TAKE
THE KIDS. MY GOD. THAT MONSTER.
WHAT A BASTARD. GOD. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY, GOOD
RIDDANCE, RIGHT? GOOD RIDDANCE TO HER KIDS? I DON'T THINK SO.
WE GOT TO MAKE A PLAN. I'M ALREADY TALKING TO A LAWYER.
OH, HERE HE IS NOW. OH, GOD. YOU BETTER TAKE THAT CALL.
TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED. LIKE, GO OUTSIDE. WHAT?
NO! NOW WHAT? MY LAWYER GOT DISBARRED.
MY LIFE IS JUST SUCH A MESS RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF
IT. LIKE I TOLD YOU GUYS, I GOT THAT VP OF MARKETING JOB, AND IT WAS
TOTAL BS. I NEVER EVEN APPLIED FOR IT. THERE'S ALL THIS OTHER STUFF
TOO. LIKE I HAVE BEEN DRINKING LIKE AS SOON AS I WAKE UP.
AND I STEAL MY SON'S ADDERALL, AND HE REALLY NEEDS IT. * HOW LONG MUST I WAIT TO EAT MY
SOUP WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN A-HOLE * * NOT THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT
HER, BUT I CARE ABOUT MY SOUP A LITTLE MORE * * MY GOD, SHE'S STILL TALKING,
BUT, HEY, AT LEAST SHE'S NOT CRYING * * NEVER MIND, SHE JUST STARTED
CRYING * * OH, BUT I HAVE A GREAT IDEA * * IF I PRETEND TO TAKE A SIP OF
MY WATER, I CAN TAKE THE STRAW AND PUT IT IN MY SOUP * * AND PLANT IT PERFECT.
THE STRAW IS HITTING BROTH * * AND OH, MY GOD. SHE JUST ASKED ME A QUESTION *
I MEAN, SO WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I THINK, YEAH, YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT.
REPRESENT HERSELF IN COURT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WOULD YOU MIND IF I HAD A SIP OF
YOUR WATER? I FINISHED MINE * HOT DAMN, SHE'S TAKING MY
WATER * * I BETTER HIDE THE STRAW IN MY SHIRT *
* BUT, OH, WHAT IS THIS, SHE'S SOBBING AT LAST * * HER HEAD'S IN HER HANDS, CAN'T
LET THIS MOMENT PASS * * GOT TO EAT THIS SOUP * I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
THANK YOU GIRLS FOR LETTING ME VENT. OH, MY GOD.
ANY TIME, YOU JUST DO YOU, GIRL. OKAY? HOW'S YOUR SOUP?
IT IS HOTTER THAN I THOUGHT, BUT I'M GOOD. [ MUMBLING ]
* GOT TO EAT THIS SOUP * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WORN DOWN? SICK OF THE ENDLESS GRIND AT WORK?
EXHAUSTED BY YOUR FAMILY, DESPERATE FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET.
DANIEL, YOUR KIDS WANT YOU! THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT COVID.
AS SOON AS GETTING COVID, YOU'RE GUARANTEED A FIVE AND SOMETIMES EVEN TEN-DAY VACATION FROM ALL
OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS. I NEEDED A BREAK, SO MY DOCTOR SUGGESTED I GET COVID,
AND IT WAS THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH THE
NETFLIX I WANTED TO WATCH, AND I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO THANKS TO COVID.
AT FIRST I WAS WORRIED ABOUT GETTING COVID, BUT MY DOCTOR ENSURED ME IT WAS OKAY.
SIDE EFFECTS OF COVID INCLUDE HAVING COVID, WHICH IS STILL KIND OF BAD, BUT DOESN'T IT FEEL
DIFFERENT NOW? I DEFINITELY GOT SICK. I ALSO GOT PAID FOR TEN DAYS TO
NEVER LEAVE THE BLANKET. PLUS I GOT TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT AT WORK.
IT WAS LIKE I HAD A BAD COLD FOR THREE DAYS. OF COURSE I HAD TO ISOLATE
FROM MY KIDS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GET THEM SICK. WHAT DO THEY EAT?
I GAVE IT 14 DAYS TO BE EXTRA SAFE. FOR AN EXTRA FEE, WE'LL KNOCK
OUT THE WI-FI NEAR YOUR HOUSE SO YOU CAN'T DO ANY ZOOM. OH, WELL, TOO BAD.
COVID IS THE PERFECT WAY TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY, NEIGHBOR'S ADULT BAPTISM, AND HUSBAND'S
MURDER TRIAL. AT THIS POINT, COVID IS A TEN-DAY CRUISE, WHICH IS ALSO A
GREAT WAY TO GET IT. COVID ISN'T FOR ANYONE. THAT'S WHY THERE'S THE NEW
ALWAYS POSITIVE COVID TEST THAT COME WITH TWO PINK LINES ALREADY DRAWN.
AGAIN? YOU JUST HAD IT A WEEK AGO. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO GET MENTALLY HEALTHY IS TO GET PHYSICALLY SICK.
SURE. THERE MIGHT BE LONG-TERM MEMORY PROBLEMS, BUT THAT MIGHT BE
AMAZING BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO FORGET. MY BRAIN IS ALREADY REALLY
BAD. BUT IF I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE IN A WEEK, I'LL TAKE THAT
DEAL IN A HORSE BEAT. YOU MEAN HEART BEAT. EITHER WAY, THANKS COVID.
THANKS, COVID. I THINK I'LL GET COVID AGAIN. TODAY.
COVID, GO AHEAD. YOU DESERVE A BREAK. [ APPLAUSE ]
SO WITH THAT SAID, MR. HUBBARD COULD NOT HAVE BEEN AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.
YOUR WITNESS. THANK YOU, COUNSEL. MOVING ON TO CROSS-EXAMINATION.
SO ON THE NIGHT OF YOUR WIFE'S DISAPPEARANCE, WHAT DID YOU DO?
I CALLED THE POLICE. REALLY? BECAUSE RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU
DID NOT. AND IN FACT, THE POLICE DIDN'T SHOW UP UNTIL YOUR NEIGHBORS
CALLED. OH! UH-HUH.
AND WHEN THE FORENSIC TEAM EXAMINED YOUR CLOTHING, THEY FOUND TRACES OF BLOOD.
ORDER IN THE COURT. WE DON'T NEED ANY VOCAL REACTIONS FROM THE JURY.
FROM US? SORRY. WE JUST DID NOT EXPECT TRACES OF
BLOOD. PROSECUTION, THE FLOOR IS YOURS.
PER THE FORENSIC INVESTIGATION, THE VICTIM WAS FOUND WITH MULTIPLE LACERATIONS
TO HER ABDOMEN. OH, MY GOD! DO WE NEED TO TAKE A RECESS.
IT WAS JUST GETTING GOOD. I'M SERIOUSLY AT THE EDGE OF MY SHEET.
I'M SHAKING. MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST MY APPLE WATCH THINKS I'M
GETTING STEPS. ORDER IN THE COURT, OR I WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT.
WE HEAR THAT. GUYS, GUYS. KEEP IT DOWN.
PROSECUTION, PLEASE, ON TO YOUR NEXT LINE OF QUESTIONING. MR. HUBBARD, YOU CLAIM YOU
WERE AT THE OFFICE ON THE 14th, BUT AS THE DEFENSE WAS SAYING -- I'M SORRY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING NOW? POSING FOR THE SKETCH ARTIST. HOW MUCH FOR THE DEATH
PENALTY? NOW THE MURDER IS YELLING AT US.
I'M LIKE CRAZY TRIGGERED. CAN I LIE DOWN AND LOOK AT MY PHONE FOR A WHILE.
JURORS, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. OKAY.
NOW THE JUDGE IS TRYING TO SILENCE THREE WOMEN OF COLOR. OKAY.
CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON? AS I WAS SAYING -- OH, MY GOD.
WAIT. I'M LITERALLY SO BORED. CAN WE JUST LIKE PUT ON MUSIC
OR SOMETHING? MIDNIGHT! * MIDNIGHT, I STAY UP, I'M
TAYLOR SWIFT * THAT IS NOT A SONG FROM MIDNIGHT.
I JUST NEED TO FINISH MY CROSS EXAM. MR. HUBBARD, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN
THE STEAK KNIFE THAT WAS MISSING FROM YOUR SET. IT HAD BEEN MISSING SINCE WE
MOVED IN. REALLY? BECAUSE IN A STORM DRAIN NEARBY,
DETECTIVES FOUND THIS SUPPOSEDLY MISSING KNIFE. BAILIFF, SHOW THE COURT EXHIBIT
B. IT'S NOT IN HERE. OH, MY GOD.
DID YOU NEED THIS? I'M SORRY. THIS CHICKEN IS TOUGH.
ALL RIGHT. THAT IS IT. YOU THREE ARE IN CONTEMPT OF
COURT FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SORRY.
BUT REAL QUICK, WHO AM I? YOU'RE HIM! THE MURDER!
OKAY, OKAY. AND WHO AM I? WHO AM I?
OH, YOU THE DEAD WIFE. YES. YOUR HONOR, SHE'S USING THE
MURDER KNIFE TO CUT UP THE CHICKEN. RELAX.
I CAN'T EVEN CUT THE CHICKEN ANYWAY. WAIT A MINUTE.
THE LAWYER LADY IS SAYING HE KILLED HER WITH THAT KNIFE. BUT THE KNIFE ISN'T EVEN
SHARP ENOUGH -- TO CUT THROUGH HER CHICKEN. WHICH MEANS --
HE'S INNOCENT! THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING!
YEA! [ APPLAUSE ]
TODAY WE WILL DECIDE IF SUSPENDED ACCOUNTS WILL BE LET BACK ON TWITTER.
WHO BETTER TO DO IT THAN US, THE ONLY TWO TWITTER EMPLOYEES WHO HAVEN'T BEEN LAID OFF.
YET. LET'S BEGIN OUR FIRST FAN ACCOUNT.
SAY YOUR NAME. YOU WISH. BUT HERE'S WHAT I WILL TELL YOU.
THE COVID PANDEMIC WAS CREATED BY BIG PHARMA TO SILENCE ME. EVERYBODY TRIES TO SILENCE ME.
MA'AM, PLEASE SPEAK AT A LOWER VOLUME. I'M SORRY.
AM I TOO LOUD FOR YOUR PRECIOUS INTENSIVE CARE UNITS. YOU AREN'T EVEN SICK.
WHY WERE YOU BANNED? FINE. WE HAVE BANNED TWITTER USER
ALPHA DOG OF WAR. A VETERAN. IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING, YES,
I SERVED HONORABLY IN CALL OF DUTY, MODERN WARFARE TWO. AND WHY WERE YOU BANNED?
ONE OF MY OWN SQUAD MATES KILLED ME AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT. I POSTED HIS REAL NAME, HOME
ADDRESS, AND MIDDLE SCHOOL SCHEDULE AND SAID, TWITTER, DO YOUR THING.
I MEAN, SOUNDS HARMLESS, RIGHT? NEXT.
HI. OH, MY GOD. YOUR PROFILE IS SO FUNNY.
I LOVE FUNNY GUYS. WELL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BUT WHY WERE YOU BANNED? THEY SAID I WAS A BAT, WHICH IS CRAZY.
I'M ALL WOMAN, AND I LOVE FUNNY GUYS LIKE YOU. IN FACT, YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT
THIS WEBSITE WHERE ME AND SOME OTHER GIRLS HANG OUT AND MEET CUTE GUYS.
WWW.SEX PALACE.BIT SCAMS.IRAQ. SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SO FUNNY. I BET YOU HAVE AN AWESOME SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER.
NAH. IT'S NOTHING CRAZY. IT'S JUST 043 --
NO, NO. DON'T TELL HER. WHY NOT?
WE VIBING. WHO'S NEXT? WHAT'S GOOD?
I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF BLACK TWITTER, AND WE HEARD MUSK WAS GOING TO CHARGE US $8 TO USE
TWITTER, AND WE SAY, NAH DOG. WE GOING TO RUN OUR AS OVER TO MY SPACE AND GET THAT POPPING
AGAIN. NOTED. I WILL SEE YOU THERE.
NEXT ACCOUNT. OH, MY GOD. HELLO.
THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ME DONALD TRUMP. JUST JOHN, NOT JONATHAN.
BUT I KNOW MANY JONATHANS, AND I REPRESENT ALL OF THEM. NO MORE THAN JTT HIMSELF,
JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS WHO IS A PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE. I SAW HIM ON HOME IMPROVEMENT,
AND I SAID THAT KID IS GOING TO BE A STAR, AND HE WAS FOR A VERY BRIEF TIME.
BUT JTT WASN'T VERY NICE TO CHEVY CHASE IN MAN OF THE HOUSE, WAS HE?
WON'T BE BACK FOR A REBOOT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? SURE.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE BACK ON TWITTER? DIDN'T YOU START YOUR OWN SOCIAL
MEDIA WEBSITE? EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
YES, WE'VE ALL MOVED TO TRUE SOCIAL, AND WE LOVE TRUE SOCIAL.
IT'S VERY GREAT, AND IN MANY WAYS ALSO TERRIBLE. IT'S VERY BAD.
VERY, VERY BAD. IT'S A LITTLE BUGGY IN TERMS OF MAKING THE PHONE SCREENS CRACK
AND THE AUTOMATICALLY DRAINING OF THE VENMO. LET ME BACK ON TWITTER, I WON'T
DO ANYTHING BAD EXCEPT MAYBE COUP. ALL RIGHT.
MIGHT AS WELL ROLL THE DICE, RIGHT? OH, ELON JUST TWEETED, AND
WE'RE LAID OFF TOO. YEA! WE'RE FINALLY FREE.
DAVID, FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU HAVE TO UNPACK YOUR CLOTHES. WE MOVED IN A MONTH AGO, HONEY.
I WILL, MOM. I HAVE JUST BEEN BUSY. BUSY FLIRTING WITH EVERY GIRL
IN SCHOOL. SHUT UP. HONEY, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I JUST FOUND THIS LETTER SLIPPED UNDER OUR DOOR. I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S STRANGE. WHAT DOES IT SAY? DEAREST NEW NEIGHBORS AT 322
OAK RIDGE BOULEVARD, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM THE LOOKER, AND I SEE
EVERYTHING YOU DO. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK PRANK?
I DON'T KNOW, CAROL. I SEE YOU'RE SETTLING IN NICELY.
YOUR DAUGHTER LIKES TO WRITE IN HER DIARY ABOUT THE BOY WHO MOES THE LAWN, AND YOUR SON HAS BEEN
HARD AT WORK PRACTICING HIS GUITAR. THIS IS CREEPING ME OUT.
AND YOUR WIFE, AFTER EVERYONE'S ASLEEP, SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND EATS AN ENTIRE
SECOND DINNER. THAT'S LIKE -- WHAT? SHE EATS IT LIKE A GREEDY
RACCOON AFRAID OF GETTING CAUGHT. OKAY.
AS FOR YOU, DADDY DEAREST. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR MORNING JOGS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I KNOW YOUR WIFE DOES. AFTER YOU LEAVE, SHE GETS A SNACK, TURNS ON THE TV, AND
PLEASURES HERSELF. TO THE PROPERTY BROTHERS. OKAY.
THAT'S NOT RINGING A BELL. BUT HE KNOWS ABOUT MY JOGS, CAROL.
AND MY DIARY AND DAVID'S GUITAR. I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY IT'S SO WEIRD THAT ALL MY STUFF IS CLEARLY MADE UP. YOUR LIFE MAY SEEM PERFECT,
BUT THE LOOKER KNOWS IT'S NOT, AND YOUR POOR WIFE SEEMS TO BE HAVING TROUBLE IN THE BATHROOM.
SLOWLY ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. GIVING HERSELF PEP TALKS.
COME ON, COME ON. SHE GETS SO FRUSTRATED SHE'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS AND BLOW OFF MORE
STEAM WITH PROPERTY BROTHERS. WHY IS SHE SO AROUSED BY THAT SHOW?
IS IT THE BROTHERS OR THE PROPERTY? SOMEONE DOWNLOADED EVERY
EPISODE OF PROPERTY BROTHERS. AND WATCHED FIVE MINUTES OF EACH ONE.
SO THIS WEIRDO SNUCK INTO OUR HOUSE AND MESSED WITH THE TV? NOW I'M WEIRDED OUT OFFICIALLY.
THEN SHE SAYS, TIKTOK DANCES, YOUR MOM WAS ON HER EXERCISE BIKE.
THAT ONE'S REAL! SHE DOESN'T EVEN PEDAL. JUST SITS ON THE BIKE AND LOOKS
AT HER PHONE. THEN GOES BACK TO THE BATHROOM TO TRY AGAIN.
WHY CAN'T I GO! WE NEED TO GO TO THE POLICE AND TELL THEM THIS GUY IS MAKING
UP LIES ABOUT JUST ME. WE WILL. I THINK IT WILL BE SAFEST IF WE
STAY IN THE HOTEL TONIGHT. ONE OF US SHOULD STAY. I GUESS I'LL DO IT SINCE THIS
GUY'S GOT NOTHING ON ME. IT'S DEMO DAY. IF YOU'RE WATCHING, IT'S THE
PROPERTY I'M INTO. NOT THE BROTHERS.
LACY. ** * I WISH I KNEW
YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME *
* I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME WHAT YOU, OOH, UH
WHAT YOU DO * * MADE A MOVE COULDA MADE A MOVE
IF I KNEW I'D BE WITH YOU IS IT TOO LATE TO PURSUE * * I BITE MY TONGUE
IT'S A BAD HABIT KINDA MAD THAT I DIDN'T TAKE A STAB AT IT *
* THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR ME, MY DEAR NEVER GAVE ME TIME OF DAY
MY DEAR * * IT'S OKAY, THINGS HAPPEN FOR REASONS THAT I THINK
ARE SURE, YEAH I WISH I KNEW * * I WISH I KNEW
YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME *
* I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW
YOU WANTED ME * * SAY TO ME PLEASE JUST SAY TO ME
IF THIS COULD WIND UP I WISH YOU WOULDN'T * * PLAY WITH ME
I WANNA KNOW UH, CAN I BITE YOUR TONGUE LIKE MY BAD HABIT *
* WOULD YOU MIND IF I TRIED TO MAKE A PASS AT IT WERE YOU NOT TOO GOOD
FOR ME, MY DEAR * * FUNNY YOU COME BACK TO ME, MY DEAR
IT'S OKAY THINGS HAPPEN FOR REASONS * * THAT I CAN'T IGNORE
I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW *
* WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME YOU CAN'T SURPRISE A GEMINI
I'M EVERYWHERE * * I'M CROSS-EYED, AND NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK
I CAN'T DECIDE IF I DECIDE * * IF YOU'RE INVITED
YOU ALWAYS KNEW THE WAY TO WOW ME AROUND GET TONGUE-TIED *
* AND I TURN IT ON I MAKE IT ROWDY THEN CARRY ON
BUT I'M NOT HIDIN' * * YOU GRABBIN' ME HARD 'CAUSE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU FOUND IS BISCUITS * * IS GRAVY, BABE, AH-AH
** YOU CAN'T SURPRISE A GEMINI BUT YOU KNOW IT'S BISCUITS
IS GRAVY, BABE * * I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK AROUND
'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S BISCUITS IT'S GRAVY, BABE * * LET'S IN THE BACK
OF THE MALL, LOSE CONTROL GO STUPID, GO CRAZY, BABE I KNOW I'LL BE *
* IN YOUR HEART 'TIL THE END YOU'LL MISS ME DON'T BEG ME, BABE *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME. I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST. PRESIDENT BIDEN SEEN HERE BEGGING FOR ONE MORE YEAR BEFORE
THE MIDTERMS LEARNED ABOUT REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES WHO SAY THEY WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT
ELECTION RESULTS WARNING THEY COULD SET THE NATION ON A PATH TO CHAOS.
SO, WAIT, THIS IS JUST THE PATH TO CHAOS? I THOUGHT WE HAD BEEN LIVE NOT
GUILTY CHAOS FOR AT LEAST SIX YEARS. NANCY PELOSI'S HUSBAND WAS
ATTACKED IN THEIR HOME BY A GUY WITH A HAMMER, AND INSTEAD OF BASIC SYMPATHY, REPUBLICANS WERE
LIKE, WE HEARD HE GAY. DONALD TRUMP JR. MOCKED THE ATTACK BY POSTING AN IMAGE AND A
PAIR OF UNDERPANTS SAYING, I GOT MY PAUL PELOSI HALLOWEEN COSTUME READY, AND I WOULD AGREE CON JR.
IS PROBABLY THE THE MASTER OF GETTING HAMMERED IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
YOU WERE TRYING TO BURN PAUL PELOSI, BUT NOW I'M WONDERING IF YOU WEAR YOUR DAD'S OLD
UNDERWEAR. KYRIE IRVING ANNOUNCED FROM NOW ON, HE WILL PRETEND TO NOT
BE ANTI-SEMITIC. HE TWEETED A LINK WAKE UP BLACK AMERICA.
IN A HEGRO TO NEGROS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY FAVORITE GROUP IN THE '90s.
JUST DAYS BEFORE THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS, OPRAH ENDORSED JOHN FETTERMAN INSTEAD OF THE MONSTER
SHE UNLEASHED UPON US. ISN'T IT CRAZY THAT OPRAH GAVE DR. OZ HIS CAREER AND EVEN SHE'S
TURNED AGAINST HIM? IT'S LIKE IF ROBIN RAN FOR MAYOR OF GOTHAM, AND BATMAN WAS LIKE I
ENDORSE PENGUINS. HERSCHEL WALKER CRITICIZED BARACK OBAMA SAYING, PUT MY
RESUME AGAINST HIS. FINE. SO HERE'S OBAMA'S RESUME, AND
HERE'S HERSCHEL WALKER. BETTER THAN I THOUGHT. COUPLE OF TYPOS.
THE LATEST JOB REPORTS SHOWS THAT LAST MONTH THE U.S. ECONOMY ADDED OVER 200,000 JOBS.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, SAID ELON MUSK. SINCE ELON MUSK TOOK OVER
TWITTER, USE OF THE N WORD ON THE SITE HAS REPORTEDLY JUMPED 500%.
IT'S THE BIGGEST INCREASE IN THE USE OF THE N WORD SINCE THE LAST TIME I STUBBED MY TOE.
KANYE WEST WAS SUSPENDED FROM INSTAGRAM AGAIN FOR POSTING A DESPAIRING MESSAGE ABOUT JEWISH
PEOPLE. SEEMS LIKE HE'S DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND
EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS, WHICH I'VE HEARD IS THE DEFINITION OF SOMETHING.
HIS BUSINESS DEALS WENT BAD, AND HE JUST STARTED CALLING IT A JEWISH CONSPIRACY LIKE WHEN HIS
ALBUMS WENT BAD AND HE STARTED CALLING IT GOSPEL. CALLING IT GOSPEL.
TOMORROW IS THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON, OR AS FOX NEWS WILL REPORT IT, UNDOCUMENTED AFRICANS
RUN WILD IN STREETS OF NEW YORK. RUN WILD IN STREETS OF NEW YORK. CHINA HAS LAUNCHED THE THIRD
AND FINAL MODULE FOR ITS PERMANENT SPACE STATION. NOW ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS
LAUNCH SOME CHILDREN TO ASSEMBLE IT. NEW YORK CITY IS NOW REQUIRING
EMPLOYERS TO DISCLOSE SALARY RANGES IN ALL JOB LISTINGS. EMPLOYERS MUST LIST EVERYTHING
RANGING FROM THE TOP SALARY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FEMALE SALARY.
CNN HAS ANNOUNCED THAT DUE TO BUDGET CUTS THEY ARE SCALING BACK ON ORIGINAL SERIES AND
DOCUMENTARIES. APPARENTLY THERE WAS A FLAW WITH THE BUSINESS MODEL OF GIVING
STANLEY TUCCI MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO EAT GILATO. A ZOO IN ATLANTA WILL ALLOW
VISITORS TO CARRY FIREARMS. YOU WANT TO TRY LAUGHING AT ME AGAIN, MONKEYS?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAN? TENSIONS ARE ON THE RISE AFTER NORTH KOREA LAUNCHED MORE THAN
20 MISSILES INTO THE OCEAN AND ALL BECAUSE THE LITTLE MERMAID IS BLACK.
NOT REAL. A LINGUISTICS EXPERT HAS RELEASED A LIST OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL SOUNDING BABY NAMES WITH THE TOP SPOTS GOING TO MATTHEW AND SOFIA WHILE THE
WORST SOUNDING NAMES ARE MOIST AND SLURP. IN EASTERN OREGON ARE WARNING
RESIDENTS ABOUT SEVERAL HAND GRENADES THAT HAVE WASHED ASHORE ON A BEACH WHEN ONE BEACH GOER
SAID, MOMMY, LOOK AT THIS SHELL I FO -- NASA HAS RELEASED AN IMAGE OF
THE SUN IN WHICH IT APPEARS TO BE SMILING. SO IF THE SUN CAN SMILE, WOULD
IT KILL YOU LADIES TO TRY IT? AN ARIZONA WOMAN WAS ARRESTED AFTER SHE ALLEGEDLY WENT DAY
DRINKING WHILE HER 5 MONTH-OLD CHILD WAS SITTING HOME ALONE LIKE A LOSER.
WOULD SOMEBODY -- CALLING THE BABY A LOSER. WITH SO MANY MIDTERM RACES
TIGHTENING, IT'S HARD TO PREDICT WHAT WILL DRIVE MORE TO THE POLLS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS TAMMY THE TRUCKER WHO PROMISES SHE'S HERE TO TALK ABOUT GAS PRICES AND
DEFINITELY NOT ABORTION. WHAT? HEY, THERE.
IT'S ME. TAMMY THE TRUCKER. BREAKER, BREAKER, OVER.
WOW, TAMMY. SO YOU ARE A TRUCKER WHO WAS VERY AFFECTED BY GAS PRICES.
THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I THOUGHT IT WOULD, COLIN JOST.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT ABORTIONS?
NO, NO, NO. BREAKER, BREAKER, I GOT A BIG DADDY ON MY TAIL.
ALL I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT IS GAS EVEN THOUGH THE SUPREME COURT SENT ROE V WADE TO THAT
BIG PIT STOP IN THE SKY. 50 YEARS OF PRECEDENT. BEEP, BEEP.
ARE YOU OKAY? IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE YOU DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT ABORTION.
CALM YOUR COOTER DOWN. I'M TINA THE TRUCKER, WHATEVER NAME I GAVE YOU.
I GOT TO BE IN RANCHO KUNKARUMBA BY NIGHT FALL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS MOMENT, SNOK GAS PRICES ARE UP, AND FAMILIES ARE
HURTING, BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR NO MATTER WHO YOU VOTE FOR.
WE'RE IN A GLOBAL RECESSION FUELED BY CORPORATE GREED AND WAR.
HONK, HONK. BUT WHAT WILL KEEP DISAPPEARING IS SAFE ACCESS TO ABORTION.
IT'S NOT REALLY MAGIC BECAUSE THEY TOLD US THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO, AND THEY HAVE BEEN
DOING IT. BREAKER, BREAKER. I GOT A DOUBLE NICKEL ON THE
FLAB. DID YOU JUST GOOGLE TRUCKER TERMS?
LIKE RESEARCH? YEAH. HOLD THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ABORTION ON LIVE TV OR PEACOCK, WHATEVER THAT COUNTS AS.
BUT THESE ARE SCARY TIMES, OKAY? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO JUST TAKE AWAY ACCESS TO HEALTHCARE.
THEY WANT TO CRIMINALIZE IT TOO. IT'S SO BAD, US TRUCK DRIVERS ARE WARNING EACH OTHER TO DELETE
OUR PERIOD TRACKING APPS. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT WEEK TO WEAR MY BAD UNDERWEAR.
BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SOME DICK HEAD IN ARIZONA THINKS IT'S EVIDENCE OF A CRIME.
ARUBA! I THINK IT'S AROOGA! WHY ARE YOU ON MY ASS?
THE POINT IS, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR ANATOMY WITHOUT THEM HAVING TO
CALL THEIR LAWYER FIRST. BEEP, BEEP. CHECK MY REAR.
AM I CLEAR? IS MY REAR CLEAR? BEEP.
I'M BACKING UP ABOUT 50 YEARS INTO THE PAST. I GOT YOU.
I KNOW THIS WASN'T FUN FOR YOU.
LET ME GIVE YOU SOME LITTLE TRUCKER TOYS. HERE'S A NUDEY MAG, AND HERE'S
THIS. IS THIS GATORADE? IT WAS AT ONE POINT.
TRUTH IS, I HAVE FELT PRETTY HELPLESS OVER THE PAST YEAR, AND IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO
MAKE OTHER TRUCKERS FEEL BETTER. SO HERE'S THE THING I CAN SAY. THERE'S ONE MOTHER TRUCKING
THING WE CAN DO TO FIGHT FOR MOTHER TRUCKING FREEDOM TO MAKE OUR OWN HEALTHCARE DECISIONS,
AND THAT'S VOTE. AND I HOPE TO HELL EVERYONE VOTES.
BECAUSE REMEMBER, WE ALL LOVE SOMEONE WHO'S HAD AN ABORTION -- I MEAN, DRIVES A TRUCK.
BEEP, BEEP, AROOGA! FROM WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M COLIN JOST.
I'M MICHAEL CHE, GOOD NIGHT!
THIS IS SO FUN. I'M SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO GET THIS TOGETHER.
IT IS A GREAT DAY FOR A GAME. COULDN'T ASK FOR BETTER TAILGATING WEATHER.
IT SHOULD BE A GREAT GAME. BILLS ARE TOP OF THEIR DIVISION.
THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD. SO IS THIS MACARONI SALAD. WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO
MAKE THIS. I THREW IT TOGETHER LAST NIGHT.
IT'S NOTHING. WELL, GIVE ME MORE NOTHINGS. UH-OH, BILLS FAN COMING.
HEY! HEY! BILLS JERSEY!
YOU'RE WEARING THE FREAKING WRONG SHIRT YOU A-HOLE! YOU LOOK LIKE A FREAKING
MORON! KEEP WALKING, MORON! FREAKING DEAD TODAY, MORON!
BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU, HENRY IS HAVING A TOUGH TIME AT SCHOOL.
REVOLVE, OH, NO. WHAT HAPPENED? I GUESS HE'S GETTING BULLIED.
NO. FOR HIS HAIR CUT. THAT'S AWFUL.
WHERE DO KIDS EVEN LEARN THIS? FROM THE INTERNET, I GUESS.
UH-OH, BAD ASS BILLS FAN ALERT. MAYBE YOU DO A FEW JUMPING JACKS!
MAYBE EAT A VEGETABLE NEXT TIME, YOU FREAKING WHALE! I'M PREGNANT.
YOU WANT A MEDAL? HAVE A DRINK, SLUT! MONKEY!
OH, MY GOD. BY THE WAY, I WAS IN CVS
YESTERDAY, THEY ALREADY HAVE THE CHRISTMAS STUFF OUT. I KNOW.
THEY TAKE DOWN THE HALLOWEEN STUFF, AND POOF, IT'S CHRISTMAS. HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
GUYS DOING? IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER? THERE WILL BE IF YOU DON'T
PUT THAT CHARCOAL OUT BEFORE YOU HEAD INTO THE GAME. OF COURSE WE'LL PUT IT OUT.
I WOULD HOPE SO BECAUSE EVERY WEEK -- HEY! HEY, BILLS MAFIA!
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG STADIUM, YOU FREAKING A-HOLE! YOU WANT TO CRY TO YOUR
MOMMY? KEEP WALKING YOU DOUCHE BAG! I'LL BRING THE BARBECUE RIGHT
TO YOU! YEAH, RUN RIGHT INTO TRAFFIC, YOU FREAKING DOUCHE BAG!
YOU FOLKS ENJOY THE GAME. THANKS OFFICER. OH, MY GOD.
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. MY SECOND GRADE CLASS IS SO ADORABLE THIS YEAR, AND THEY'RE
SO EXCITED TO LEARN. YEAH. HEY!
BILLS, GET MY WHOLE THING! SUCK MY SLEEVE, BUDDY! SUCK IT FRONT TO BACK.
OH, YOU'RE GOING TO GO BY ALL SLOW, HUH? YOU THINK THAT SCARES ME?
I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU YOU PANSY. YEAH, I PUT MY WHOLE FIST THROUGH YOUR FACE, YOU FREAKING
A-HOLE! KEEP MOVING YOU HUMP FREAKING HUMP.
I AM REALLY FEELING THIS WHITE CLAW. EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND.
HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? SO SHOULD WE START HEADING IN
SOON? YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE'S ONLY FIVE MINUTES LEFT
IN THE GAME. OH, MY GOSH. DID WE MISS THE WHOLE GAME
AGAIN? YEAH. SO SHOULD WE JUST STAY OUT
HERE? I'M HAVING FUN. HEY!
SUCK MY SLEEVE, YOU DUMB COW! SUCK MY WHOLE SLEEVE!
J-E-T-S, JETS!
THIS ONE, BUT OF COURSE I GOT MY PERIOD TODAY ZBLI WANT A PERIOD OPTION THAT'S CONVENIENT AND
DISCRETE SO I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LEAKS, ODORS OR ANYTHING.
WHAT I'M AT WORK, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RUN BACK AND FORTH TO THE BATHROOM.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT. NOW YOU CAN WITH PINX
UNDERWEAR. YOU'LL BE COVERED ALL DAY LONG NO MATTER WHAT.
AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS TO KNOW YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD IS YOU.
NOW MY PERIOD IS MY LITTLE SECRET. OH, A DOG.
FINALLY, AN UNDERWEAR THAT'S AS NATURAL AS YOU. IT'S MADE OF ALL ORGANIC
MATERIALS. I LOVE NOT HAVING TO BRING A BAG OF SUPPLIES WHEREVER I GO.
I LOVE NOT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT IT. NOW I GET TO DO ME, AND PINX
DOES THE REST. WOW, DOGS REALLY LOVE YOU. YEAH.
I HAVE A CHEESE BURGER IN MY POCKET. WHAT?
EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. PINX HAS OPTIONS FOR EVERY LEVEL .
I LOVE STINKS -- SORRY, PINX. NO MORE HIDING, PLASTIC, AND NO MORE STRESS.
YOU SHOULD FEEL BEAUTIFUL. HUMAN, ATTRACTIVE. NOW, YOU CAN WALK PROUD.
HAVE YOUR PERIOD THE WAY NATURE INTENDED WITH PINX. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR
DINNER? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GET DINNER
OR -- I CANNOT HEAR YOU. OH, MY GOD!
RUN! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA WE GOT.
WKTVN NEWS. LATER TONIGHT, BAKLAVA OR BALA?
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO DELICIOUS TREATS. I LOVE STUDIES LIKE THAT.
FIRST WE GO WHERE A FIRE HAS SPREAD FORCING SEVERAL FAMILIES OUT OF THEIR HOMES.
LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR BRAND NEW REPORTER, CHANCE HARMSTRONG. THANKS.
I'M SO THRILLED TO BE JOINING THE TEAM. RIGHT NOW I'M WITH A LOCAL
RESIDENT. MA'AM, TELL US WHAT HAPPENED. SIR, I WAS HAVING MY NORMAL
CIGARETTE IN BED, AND I WAS WOKEN UP BY A MAN WHO SAID, BANG, BANG, BANG, AND I PUT TWO
AND TEN TOGETHER, AND I SAID FIRE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS
FIRE COULD HAVE STARTED? I'M NOT SURE HOW, BUT I KNOW 100% WHY.
I DO NOT WANT TO SAY NAMES, BUT IT WAS MY COUSIN. IT WAS YOUR COUSIN?
YES, AND SHE IS LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU NOW, SIR. WHAT?
OH, YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF ME? NO, YOU'RE NOT. NOT FOR FREE, YOU'RE NOT.
SHE'S MAD BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET WITH MY HUSBAND BECAUSE LOOK AT HIM.
THIS FOR TV? YES. THIS IS THE NEWS.
OH, SNAP. BACK TO THE FIRE. IT'S A LONG STORY BUT SHE'S
MAD BECAUSE SHE CAN'T GET WITH HIM BECAUSE HE CLOSE ME AND HE'S MY COUSIN.
KEEP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT, I WILL SET YOUR HOUSE UPON FIRE AGAIN.
SET MY HOUSE ON FIRE. I'M SCARED. ALL RIGHT.
THIS WAS NOT AS INFORMATIVE AS I HOPED. BACK TO YOU.
HEY, HEY. COME BACK TO ME. TAKE MY PICTURE.
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. ONE HAND, ONE HAND. HE'S SHOWING OFF FOR ME.
I WANT TO LAY WITH YOU. I SAID I CAN'T. WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, AND
I THINK WE'RE ALL DONE HERE. VICKIE AND ALICIA. SIR, IF I MAY JUST INCLUDE,
THE TWO OF THEM ARE COUSINS. YES, I KNOW THAT. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE
FIRE. NO, I DO NOT. BUT SINCE HE GOT TO DO A TRICK,
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. OKAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
AND I'M NOT REALLY HERE TO LOOK AT TRICKS. HEY.
HE AIN'T EVEN MY COUSIN. HE'S ONLY MY COUSIN BECAUSE HE MARRIED MY COUSIN.
SO, HEY, I CAN STILL GET WITH YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO LAY WITH YOU.
NO ONE WANTS TO LAY WITH YOU. I BET YOU SOMEONE WILL. NO, THEY WON'T.
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT IT LIKE THIS. LIKE HELL I DON'T.
OKAY. NO. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN.
IT'S LITERALLY MY FIRST DAY. OH, SIR, IF I MAY. I CAN CLEAR THIS UP 100%.
JUST -- JUST DON'T SAY THEY'RE COUSINS.
EXACTLY. THEY ARE COUSINS. ALSO, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
OKAY. YEAH. NOW I'M UNFORTUNATELY SEEING A
LOT OF PEOPLE LINED UP, AND I'M ASSUMING NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE FIRE.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, SIR. BUT LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
THAT'S GREAT. YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. LISTEN.
THE REAL REASON I AM MAD AT HER, THE REAL REASON I AM MAD AT YOU AND SET FIRE TO UPON YOUR HOUSE
AND YOUR TRAMPOLINE UPON FIRE IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT HAD SAID ONE NICE THING TO ME MY WHOLE
LIFE. WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOUR SMILE. YOUR HOME EMBRACE IS WORTH.
YOU MAKE GOOD FRENCH BREAD PIZZA, AND I'M SORRY THAT THE YEARS HAVE TORN US APART IN TERM
OF BEING COUSINS. SO NOW WHAT? I GUESS MAKE UP?
YEAH. NO. NO.
DO NOT FILM THESE THREE COUSINS KISSING. WELL, IT WAS MY FIRST DAY, AND
I'M ASSUMING IT'S MY LAST. SO IN THAT CASE, WHAT THE HELL. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
SORRY, ROBIN, BUT DRAW FOUR. OH, MAN. HAHAHA.
SUCKS TO BE YOU. SAVE YOUR GLOATING. YOU'RE RIGHT.
SORRY TO GET SO COMPETITIVE, GUYS. IT'S FINE, GLENN.
NO, IT'S NOT FINE. IT'S SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IN THERAPY.
YOU GO TO THERAPY? THAT'S LIKE REALLY SURPRISING. SERIOUSLY, TALK ABOUT A
COMPLETE 180. I KNOW, REMEMBER HOW CRANKY HE USED TO BE?
THAT'S ONE WAY TO PUT IT. I WOULD HAVE SAID TOXIC AS A MUG.
OKAY. YOU GOT ME. HONESTLY, EVER SINCE I
FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO GO TO BIG PENIS THERAPY, HE'S BEEN SO MUCH HAPPIER.
HE'S LIKE A NEW PERSON. ONE MORE TIME. DID YOU SAY BIG PENIS
THERAPY? YEAH. IT'S A PLACE WHERE I CAN FINALLY
OPEN UP ABOUT MY PROBLEMS WITH MY DAD, MY INSECURITIES, MY RAGE ISSUES.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE REGULAR THERAPY? LET'S GO BACK TO THE GAME.
WHO'S TURN IS IT? SHE HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET ME TO GO TO THERAPY EVER SINCE I
CHEATED ON HER. YOU REMEMBER THAT, BABE? I SURE DO.
THERAPY ALWAYS SEEMED TO FRUITY, BUT THEN I HEARD ABOUT BIG PENIS THERAPY FOR MEN WITH
BIG OLD PENISES LIKE MINE. BIG PENIS THERAPY HELPS DESTIGMATIZE MEN FOR WORKING ON
THEIR MENTAL HEALTH. THE GUYS RAISED ME, BUT THEN I SHOWED THEM MY SWEET DAMAGE
FOR COMPLETING SIX MONTHS, AND NOW THEY WANT THERAPY TOO. GOD FORGIVE MY PAINES?
WHAT'S THAT? MAYBE I SHOULD TELL MY JAKE ABOUT THIS.
ARE YOU SURE JAKE QUALIFIES? ACTUALLY, HE'S PRETTY OKAY. WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S NOT
PRETTY OKAY SIZED THERAPY. IT'S THERAPY FOR GUYS WITH GREAT BIG ONES LIKE MINE, OR SHAQ'S OR
GUYS FROM LONG NATURALS MAGAZINE. SIZE ISN'T REALLY IMPORTANT.
PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT. IT'S OKAY, HONEY. IT ACTUALLY IS IMPORTANT, AND
BEFORE THERAPY, I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A STUCK UP BITCH FOR SAYING THAT, BUT NOW I WON'T.
DID THEY MEASURE YOUR PENIS FIRST TO MAKE SURE YOU QUALIFY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M JUST SAYING, HOW DO THEY KNOW IF YOU HAVE A BIG -- THEY DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE.
HONEY, RELAX. IT'S A GOOD QUESTION. THE DOCTORS CAN TELL FROM YOUR
OVERALL VIBE IF YOU HAVE A BABY LEG LIKE I DO. WELL, WHATEVER THEY'RE DOING,
IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR YOU. THAT'S TRUE. YOU SEEMED TO HAVE EVEN LOST
WEIGHT. THAT'S ALL THANKS TO MY FAT ROD VEGAN PLANT.
HE'S ALSO DRINKING NONALCOHOLIC BEERS. AND I ALSO JOINED AN ACTIVIST
GROUP CALLED THREE EYED MONSTER PECKERS. WELL, GOOD.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DRAW FOUR. AND BABE, YOU ONLY HAD ONE
LEFT. YOU ALMOST WON. STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!
BIG PENIS THERAPY, IT'S THERAPY.
ONCE AGAIN, STEVE LACY.
* OH-OH, I'D BEEN CONSUMED I'M NOT FOR SALE MAN WHAT THE HELL
I BEEN WITH YOU * * AND THIS AIN'T GON' LAST ME FOREVER
ALL THAT I CAN BE IS ME AND ALL ME * * TIME TO GET OUT
I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND ALL THAT I CAN SEE IS YOU WITHOUT ME *
* NO, I CAN'T SCOLD YOU HOWEVER I TRIED TO PLAY PRETEND
TRY NOT TO SEE THE END * * BUT I COULDN'T SEE YOU THE WAY YOU SAW ME
NOW I CAN FEEL THE WASTE ON ME * * I TRIED MY BEST
TO BE WORTH ALL YOUR WHILE YOU JUST GOTTA LET ME GO AS I'M TRYNA LET GO OF YOU *
* SHO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO OOH-OOH, I'LL BE THERE SOON
I'M KINDA SAD * * WHAT SHOULD I DO WHAT SHOULD I DO
GUESS I'LL MOVE ON LOVE WON'T HARASS ME * * FOREVER
ALL THAT I COULD BE IS ME AND ALL ME ALL THAT NOSTALGIA *
* BEEN UP ON A DOWNER I CAN'T MAKE YOUR EYES SEE GON' BE WHAT IT'S GON' BE
DON'T COME BACK AROUND ME * * NO, NEVER YOU WERE SO AUTOMATIC
SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO HAVE IT BUT LOVIN YOU WAS A HAZARD * * SO I GOT MY HEART A HELMET
I TRIED MY BEST TO BE WORTH ALL YOUR WHILE YOU JUST GOTTA LET ME GO *
* AS I'M TRYNA LET GO OF YOU * LET ME LET ME
ALLOW ME TO LET GO OF YOU OH-OH, LET ME, LET ME GO * * OH, NO-OH, OH-OH, OH
YEAH * ** **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WOMEN. HEY, GIRLY. ARE YOU LIKE US?
A WELL-OFF WOMAN WITH PERFECT MAKEUP AND LONG, STRAIGHT HAIR? ARE YOU BETWEEN 20 AND 45 AND
IT'S FALL OUTSIDE? DO YOU WANT A PERSONALITY YOU CAN WEAR ON YOUR HEAD?
THEN YOU NEED, BIG DUMB HATS. THIS IS THE HAT THAT MAKES EVERYONE SAY, OH, HER.
THE HAT THAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK, OH, SHE WENT HAT. THE HAT THAT SAYS, WHEN I WAS
IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WASN'T MEAN OR NICE. BIG.
DUMB. HATS. BIG DUMB HAT COMES IN COLORS,
LIKE TAN OR THAT'S IT. AND THE RIM IS PERFECT TO TOUCH SO PEOPLE SEE YOUR BIG
DUMB ENGAGEMENT RING. OH, THIS? YEAH, IT A BIGGY.
AM I A COWGIRL IN NO, GIRL. I'M PLANT BASED, EXCEPT FOR MY COY BASE.
IF YOU SEE ME WEARING AT THE AIRPORT, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO PUSH MY WAY ON BEFORE MY
BOARDING GROUP. WOW. IS YOUR HAT EVEN BIGGER THAN
BEFORE? YOU TELL ME. YOU CAN WEAR BIG DUMB HAT
ANYWHERE. THE BEACH. OR A SOCCER GAME.
IF YOU SEE THIS HAT IN STARBUCKS, YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE OAT MILK.
BIG DUMB HATS. WANT TO HEAR A SECRET? I MADE A BABY IN THIS HAT.
I NAMED MY KID, POET, STORY, LIRIC AND ARCADE. I POST A PICTURE OF MY
WEDDING EVERY SINGLE DAY. CAN YOU DANCE IN THE HAT? WELL, YOU'LL WISH WE DIDN'T.
* TAKE ME TO CHURCH * DON'T YOU HATE HOW WE DANCE? HATS.
DUMB. BIG. BIG DUMB HAT THE HAT THAT
MACKS YOUR BOYFRIEND SAY, IT'S ME OR THE HAT. IT'S THE HAT THAT SCREAMS,
WAIT. I THINK I FORGOT TO VOTE. DID I MISS IT?
CAN I STILL GET A STICKER? HAT. PAIR IT WITH TINY LITTLE
CURSIVE TATTOO, COMPLICATED MORNING ROUTINE AND FAKE GLUTEN ATOR JI.
YELLOW STONE WATCH PARTY AND A WOOD FIRED PIZZA OVEN. OOH, LOOK AT THAT CHAR.
AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG OLD CREASE ON YOUR FOREHEAD FROM THE
HAT. CAN A MAN WEAR A BIG DUMB HAT?
I THINK SO, BUT LET'S FIND OUT. HELLO, LADIES.
LET'S GET VULNERABLE. NO, NO. NO.
SO GET YOUR BIG DUMB HAT TODAY. WAIT.
IS YOUR HAT EVEN BIGGER? MAYBE. BIG DUMB HATS.
FROM THE MAKER OF DUMB LITTLE DOG.
ENTIRE CAST AND CREW AND AUDIENCE. AND PLEASE VOTE, AND I LOVE YOU
SO MUCH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME AND SEE YOU GUYS.