1 00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:09,542 AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. 2 00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:17,150 MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THIS TUESDAY, OUR MIDTERM ELECTIONS WILL DETERMINE THE FATE OF OUR 3 00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:20,453 DEMOCRACY, AND LET'S JUST SAY, BIG YIKES. WHAT'S GOING ON? 4 00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:26,926 I GUESS THE DEMOCRATS MESSAGE JUST AIN'T GETTING THROUGH. PLUS, I'M OVER HERE TALKING TO 5 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:31,031 PEOPLE WHO DON'T EXIST. I DON'T KNOW MUCH. WHO'S THAT? 6 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:36,736 NOBODY'S THERE. FOLKS, I'M TRYING LIKE HELL, I PROMISE. 7 00:00:36,736 --> 00:00:42,909 I PASS THAT BIG ASS INFRASTRUCTURE BILL. REMEMBER THAT? 8 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:49,416 $65 BILLION. LOT OF YOU REP TYPES GOT BROADBAND INTERNET SO YOU CAN 9 00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:54,087 SHARE YOUR PAUL PELOSI GAY INTERNET FICTION AT LIGHTNING SPEED. 10 00:00:54,087 --> 00:01:02,162 YOU RIGHT THINKERS SURE DO LOVE THINKING UP THESE GAY SCENARIOS. KIND OF SUS. 11 00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:07,467 I GET IT. I'M NO SPRING CHICKEN, BUT PEOPLE ARE YELLING AT OBAMA 12 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:11,438 CALLING HIM HOT. HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL? 13 00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:21,281 DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, GOOGLE YOUNG JOE BIDEN AND START A BUBBLE BATH. 14 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:26,586 YOU GUYS THINK I'M BORING NOW? WELL, I CAN DO CRAZY STUFF TOO. AHH! 15 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:31,791 I SCARED MYSELF. LISTEN, FOLKS, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 16 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:41,101 WE DON'T HAVE ANY STARS ANYMORE. TOO MANY RAPHAEL WARNOCKS AND NOT ENOUGH HERSCHEL WALKERS, 17 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,538 WHICH IS WHY WE'RE GOING TO MAKE SOME CHANGES BEFORE NEXT TUESDAY WITH THE DEM CHATS. 18 00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:54,214 HEY, CALIFORNIA, SICK OF ADAM SCHIFF? MEET THE NEXT CONGRESSWOMAN. 19 00:01:54,214 --> 00:02:05,058 IT'S MARIANNE WILLIAMSSON. AS A PROMINENT AUTHOR AND LEVEL FOUR ENCHANTRESS, I'M 20 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:09,896 READY TO FIGHT FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM, WHICH I CAN'T IN THIS BOWL. 21 00:02:09,896 --> 00:02:16,903 SOUNDS COOL. AMERICA'S NEXT DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER, FOLKS. 22 00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:23,476 NOW, I LIKE DR. OZ, THIS NEXT GUY HAS POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. HE WAS THE MAYOR OF FLAVOR TOWN 23 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:32,819 FOR OVER 20 YEARS, GUY FIERI. LISTEN, MAN, AMERICA'S HUNGRY FOR CHANGE, BUT DO Y'ALL WANT A 24 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:40,994 FULL PLATE OF PAID FAMILY LEAVE DRIPPING IN DONKEY SAUCE? FULL THROTTLE, WHOO! 25 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:46,166 LOVE THAT GUY. DREAM JOB. DREAM JOB. 26 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:51,671 HEY, OHIO, MEET YOUR NEXT SENATOR. HEY! 27 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:55,909 I WANT NO CAP ON SOCIAL SECURITIES. NO CAP. 28 00:02:55,909 --> 00:03:03,149 DEMOCRATS, BABY. TRE WAY. TRE WAY! 29 00:03:03,149 --> 00:03:13,493 WHAT A TERRIFYING YOUNG MAN. TIRED OF RICHARD WHITMER? MEET STORMY DANIELS. 30 00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:21,801 HI, TV. I MAY BE A FORMER ADULT STAR, BUT I'M WILLING TO DEFACE MYSELF 31 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:27,273 AND ENTER U.S. POLITICS. I CAN WORK WITH ANYONE, AND I'M WILLING TO REACH AROUND THE 32 00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:31,845 AISLE TO GET THINGS DONE. I THINK IT'S REACH ACROSS THE AISLE. 33 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:35,081 SURE. YOU DO YOU. TALENTED ACTRESS. 34 00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:40,887 NOW INTRODUCING SOMEONE WHO'S GOING TO BEAT MARCO RUBIO BECAUSE SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO 35 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:48,261 FIGHT. SHE'S YOUR NEXT SENATOR FOR FLORIDA, AZAELIA BANKS. 36 00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:57,370 I'M A WITCH, BITCH! OKAY. FINALLY, PEOPLE GOT MAT AT ME 37 00:03:57,370 --> 00:04:03,743 ABOUT STUDENT LOAN FORGIVENESS, BUT HE'S IN CHARGE OF IT NOW. TRACY MORGAN. 38 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:07,414 OKAY. Y'ALL WANT THAT MONEY? WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE 39 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:13,286 AND RUB MY BELLY. THANK YOU, TRACY. EVERYBODY, GET UP HERE. 40 00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:17,390 THERE THEY ARE, YOUR NEW DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES. ALL RIGHT, TEAM. 41 00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:22,495 WHAT DO WE WANT? I KIND OF WANT SOME SUGAR-FREE WHITE CASTLE. 42 00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:27,367 WHEN DO WE WANT IT? I MEAN, MY MIND IS LIKE WHENEVER YOU GOOD, BABY GIRL. 43 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:32,706 ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO, TEAM. WE'RE GOING TO BE FINE. 44 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:38,411 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! ** 45 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:42,969 MUSICAL GUEST, STEVE LACY. AND YOUR HOST, AMY SCHUMER. 46 00:06:44,504 --> 00:07:07,427 SCHUMER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. 47 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,764 THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT'S SO GREAT TO BE BACK HERE 48 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:19,339 HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY. YOU MAY HAVE SEEN MY HULU SHOW, 49 00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:25,745 "LIFE AND BETH "AND "INSIDE AMY SCHUMER IS BACK ON PARAMOUNT+" AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE THE 50 00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:30,817 HONOR OF BEING THE FINAL HOST BEFORE THE MIDTERM ABORTIONS -- ELECTIONS. 51 00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:34,621 WHAT DID I SAY? SORRY. I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT'S AT 52 00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:39,626 STAKE IF WE DON'T VOTE. PEOPLE LOVE GIVING PREGNANT WOMEN ADVICE, DON'T THEY? 53 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:47,701 THE WHOLE TIME I WAS PREGNANT, I HAD THIS ONE FRIEND TELLING ME, YOU GOT TO DO PRENATAL YOGA. 54 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:52,939 IT REALLY HELPS WITH THE BIRTH. SO I IMMEDIATELY SIGNED UP FOR A C-SECTION. 55 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:57,711 BUT NO, I DID. I HAD A C, HE CAME OUT THE SUNROOF. 56 00:07:57,711 --> 00:08:05,752 NO MATTER HOW YOU GIVE BIRTH, THE DOCTORS ALL TELL YOU -- IT COULD BE VAGINAL, C-SECTION. 57 00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:11,858 THEY ALMOST NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR BUTT HOLE. BUT THEY TELL YOU, NO MATTER 58 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:16,896 WHAT, THE DOCTORS SAY, YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX FOR SIX WEEKS. YOU GOT IT? 59 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:25,572 SIX WEEKS, NO SEX. I WAS LIKE, OKAY. REMEMBER WHEN YOU JUST 60 00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:30,510 WOLVERINED ME OPEN? REMEMBER THAT? HOW ABOUT SIX YEARS? 61 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:34,914 THAT'S WHEN I THINK I'LL BE READY. OKAY? 62 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:41,121 REMEMBER, HIS FOOT GOT CAUGHT ON MY INTESTINES. WHEN CAN I GET RAW DOGGED FROM 63 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:46,192 BEHIND? PLEASE. BUT MY HUSBAND AND I, WE DO HAVE 64 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:52,499 A GOOD SEX LIFE. MARRIED PEOPLE, WE HAVE FOUND THAT THE BEST WEEKDAY TO HAVE 65 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:58,071 SEX IS ALWAYS TOMORROW. YEAH. WE'RE LIKE, WE ATE TODAY. 66 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:04,244 MAYBE WE WON'T EAT TOMORROW. THAT WILL BE A GOOD DAY FOR US. MY HUSBAND'S THE BEST. 67 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:11,885 HE ALWAYS -- BEFORE WE HAVE SEX, HE PUTS THE LIGHTS ON, YOU KNOW, AND I SHUT THEM OFF, AND HE PUTS 68 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:15,889 THEM ON. AND HE'S LIKE, AMY, WHY ARE YOU SO SHY? 69 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:20,894 YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY. I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SO CUTE. 70 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:25,331 YOU THINK I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME. [ LAUGHTER ] 71 00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:33,540 SO SWEET, RIGHT? BUT IT IS. I'LL BE HONEST, IT'S AWKWARD 72 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:36,643 HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE, IT IS. BECAUSE, LIKE, THAT'S YOUR 73 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:43,049 FAMILY. YOU KNOW? LIKE I HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH 74 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,385 YOU. I LAY OUT YOUR SWEATERS, YOU KNOW? 75 00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:54,361 LIKE I CAN'T GO DOWN ON YOU. YOU'RE MY EMERGENCY CONTACT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. 76 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:57,063 IT'S SICK. WE CAN'T TALK DIRTY TO EACH ANYMORE. 77 00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:03,737 WE KNOW EACH OTHER TOO WELL. I'M ALWAYS LIKE, I'M GOING TO -- HE'S LIKE, NO, YOU'RE NOT. 78 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:10,076 I'M LIKE, NO, NO, I'M NOT. WE DO A LOT OF ROLE PLAY. BUT I ALWAYS PICK THE SAME ROLE. 79 00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:16,950 I'M ALWAYS LIKE, OKAY, I AM IN A COMA. [ LAUGHTER ] 80 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:28,395 GO. MY HUSBAND IS DIAGNOSED, HE'S ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM. 81 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:43,476 HE HAS AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER. USED TO BE CALLED ASPERGER'S, BUT TURNS OUT THAT HAD LIKE NAZI 82 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:50,116 TIES, KANYE. [ LAUGHTER ] WEIRD. 83 00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:52,485 YEAH. ISN'T THAT CRAZY? BUT NO. 84 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:57,123 IT'S BEEN REALLY POSITIVE FOR OUR FAMILY TO HAVE HIM DIAGNOSED. 85 00:10:57,123 --> 00:11:02,062 I UNDERSTAND SO MUCH MORE ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR, AND IT'S GIVEN HIM SO MANY TOOLS. 86 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:08,401 NOW, IF SOMEBODY IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG, BORING STORY, HE WILL STRAIGHT UP JUST WALK 87 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:12,906 AWAY. YOU KNOW? AND WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT THAT HE 88 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:16,076 HAS AUTISM, THEY DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT. THEY'RE LIKE, OH, DOES HE LOVE 89 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:22,882 TO COUNT? SHOULD WE DROP A BUNCH OF STRAWS ON THE FLOOR AND HE CAN GATHER 90 00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:28,355 THEM AND COUNT THEM? I'M LIKE, YEAH, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY FUN. 91 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:33,993 I WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT. HE NEVER REALLY LANDS A COMPLIMENT WITH ME. 92 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:42,168 HE TELLS ME I LOOK COMFORTABLE A LOT. WE HAVE DIFFERENT LOVE 93 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,238 LANGUAGES. A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WE WERE SITTING OUTSIDE. 94 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:48,575 IT WAS A NICE NIGHT. IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. 95 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:54,714 I WAS FEELING SENTIMENTAL. I WAS LIKE, EVEN THOUGH THESE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS WITH THE 96 00:11:54,714 --> 00:12:00,120 PANDEMIC AND EVERYTHING, IT'S BEEN SO STRESSFUL, STILL THIS TIME, BEING WITH YOU AND OUR 97 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,691 SON, THEY HAVE BEEN THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. AND HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND 98 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:09,062 SAID, I'M GOING TO GO PUT THE WINDOWS UP IN THE CAR. [ LAUGHTER ] 99 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:15,201 YEAH. MY GUY. ONE OF THE TIMES WE PLAY THE 100 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:20,073 GAME AUTISM OR JUST A MAN. HMM. YEAH. 101 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:28,948 I DON'T KNOW. AND I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH WHAT HE SAID TO ME RIGHT BEFORE I CAME 102 00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:32,919 ON STAGE TONIGHT. I SAID, BABE, IS THIS OKAY? AND HE SAID, WELL, IT'S TOO 103 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:39,693 LATE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 104 00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:43,730 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. STEVE LACY IS HERE, SOCK STI 105 00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:03,149 AND THE MATSA BALL SOUP. ME, ME, ME. THAT'S FOR ME. 106 00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:06,653 THANK YOU. I HAVE BEEN CRAVING THIS SOUP. I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU. 107 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:11,291 IT JUST LIKE BRINGS ME HOME. SMELLS AMAZING. WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY. 108 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:15,795 I'M KIDDING, BUT I'M NOT BECAUSE LIKE I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SOUP LIKE NONSTOP. 109 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:21,267 FOR REAL, I WOKE UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP IS OTHER NIGHT JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS SOUP. 110 00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:29,476 SAT STRAIGHT UP, EYES WIDE OPEN, AND THOUGHT MATSA BALL SOUP FROM MANNY'S LIKE A PSYCHO. 111 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:34,514 I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. I GUESS I HAVE SOME NEWS. OOH, WHAT IS IT? 112 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:38,151 MATT AND I ARE SEPARATING. OH, NO. WHAT? 113 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:43,089 GIRLY, FOR REAL? YEAH. BUT I DON'T WANT TO RUIN LUNCH. 114 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,758 JUST EAT. YEAH. YEAH. 115 00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:50,096 LET'S LIKE EAT AND THEN TALK. THAT FEELS RIGHT. OF COURSE WE'RE NOT GOING TO 116 00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:51,998 EAT. THAT IS SO SAD. OH, MY GOD. 117 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:56,403 I KNOW. GOD. THANK YOU FOR TELLING US. 118 00:13:56,403 --> 00:14:01,241 OBVIOUSLY, LET US KNOW LIKE HOW IT WORKS OUT. HE SAID HE'S GOING TO TAKE 119 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,177 THE KIDS. MY GOD. THAT MONSTER. 120 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:09,482 WHAT A BASTARD. GOD. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY, GOOD 121 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:14,187 RIDDANCE, RIGHT? GOOD RIDDANCE TO HER KIDS? I DON'T THINK SO. 122 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:18,425 WE GOT TO MAKE A PLAN. I'M ALREADY TALKING TO A LAWYER. 123 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,761 OH, HERE HE IS NOW. OH, GOD. YOU BETTER TAKE THAT CALL. 124 00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:24,864 TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED. LIKE, GO OUTSIDE. WHAT? 125 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:31,705 NO! NOW WHAT? MY LAWYER GOT DISBARRED. 126 00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:35,909 MY LIFE IS JUST SUCH A MESS RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF 127 00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:41,147 IT. LIKE I TOLD YOU GUYS, I GOT THAT VP OF MARKETING JOB, AND IT WAS 128 00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:48,221 TOTAL BS. I NEVER EVEN APPLIED FOR IT. THERE'S ALL THIS OTHER STUFF 129 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:51,758 TOO. LIKE I HAVE BEEN DRINKING LIKE AS SOON AS I WAKE UP. 130 00:14:51,758 --> 00:15:01,368 AND I STEAL MY SON'S ADDERALL, AND HE REALLY NEEDS IT. * HOW LONG MUST I WAIT TO EAT MY 131 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:07,207 SOUP WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN A-HOLE * * NOT THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT 132 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:16,149 HER, BUT I CARE ABOUT MY SOUP A LITTLE MORE * * MY GOD, SHE'S STILL TALKING, 133 00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:26,393 BUT, HEY, AT LEAST SHE'S NOT CRYING * * NEVER MIND, SHE JUST STARTED 134 00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:32,766 CRYING * * OH, BUT I HAVE A GREAT IDEA * * IF I PRETEND TO TAKE A SIP OF 135 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:39,105 MY WATER, I CAN TAKE THE STRAW AND PUT IT IN MY SOUP * * AND PLANT IT PERFECT. 136 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:45,645 THE STRAW IS HITTING BROTH * * AND OH, MY GOD. SHE JUST ASKED ME A QUESTION * 137 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:50,083 I MEAN, SO WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I THINK, YEAH, YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT. 138 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:58,491 REPRESENT HERSELF IN COURT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WOULD YOU MIND IF I HAD A SIP OF 139 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:04,631 YOUR WATER? I FINISHED MINE * HOT DAMN, SHE'S TAKING MY 140 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:08,268 WATER * * I BETTER HIDE THE STRAW IN MY SHIRT * 141 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:18,511 * BUT, OH, WHAT IS THIS, SHE'S SOBBING AT LAST * * HER HEAD'S IN HER HANDS, CAN'T 142 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:28,555 LET THIS MOMENT PASS * * GOT TO EAT THIS SOUP * I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. 143 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:32,959 THANK YOU GIRLS FOR LETTING ME VENT. OH, MY GOD. 144 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:37,731 ANY TIME, YOU JUST DO YOU, GIRL. OKAY? HOW'S YOUR SOUP? 145 00:16:37,731 --> 00:16:45,472 IT IS HOTTER THAN I THOUGHT, BUT I'M GOOD. [ MUMBLING ] 146 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:55,281 [ MUMBLING ] * GOT TO EAT THIS SOUP * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 147 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:05,658 WORN DOWN? SICK OF THE ENDLESS GRIND AT WORK? 148 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:09,829 EXHAUSTED BY YOUR FAMILY, DESPERATE FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET. 149 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:16,636 DANIEL, YOUR KIDS WANT YOU! THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT COVID. 150 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:21,808 AS SOON AS GETTING COVID, YOU'RE GUARANTEED A FIVE AND SOMETIMES EVEN TEN-DAY VACATION FROM ALL 151 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:26,046 OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS. I NEEDED A BREAK, SO MY DOCTOR SUGGESTED I GET COVID, 152 00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:31,251 AND IT WAS THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH THE 153 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:36,189 NETFLIX I WANTED TO WATCH, AND I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO THANKS TO COVID. 154 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:42,595 AT FIRST I WAS WORRIED ABOUT GETTING COVID, BUT MY DOCTOR ENSURED ME IT WAS OKAY. 155 00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:49,669 SIDE EFFECTS OF COVID INCLUDE HAVING COVID, WHICH IS STILL KIND OF BAD, BUT DOESN'T IT FEEL 156 00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:54,607 DIFFERENT NOW? I DEFINITELY GOT SICK. I ALSO GOT PAID FOR TEN DAYS TO 157 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:59,112 NEVER LEAVE THE BLANKET. PLUS I GOT TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT AT WORK. 158 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:03,750 IT WAS LIKE I HAD A BAD COLD FOR THREE DAYS. OF COURSE I HAD TO ISOLATE 159 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,787 FROM MY KIDS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO GET THEM SICK. WHAT DO THEY EAT? 160 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:14,294 I GAVE IT 14 DAYS TO BE EXTRA SAFE. FOR AN EXTRA FEE, WE'LL KNOCK 161 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:19,599 OUT THE WI-FI NEAR YOUR HOUSE SO YOU CAN'T DO ANY ZOOM. OH, WELL, TOO BAD. 162 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:28,208 COVID IS THE PERFECT WAY TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY, NEIGHBOR'S ADULT BAPTISM, AND HUSBAND'S 163 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:32,045 MURDER TRIAL. AT THIS POINT, COVID IS A TEN-DAY CRUISE, WHICH IS ALSO A 164 00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:39,953 GREAT WAY TO GET IT. COVID ISN'T FOR ANYONE. THAT'S WHY THERE'S THE NEW 165 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:44,891 ALWAYS POSITIVE COVID TEST THAT COME WITH TWO PINK LINES ALREADY DRAWN. 166 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:49,062 AGAIN? YOU JUST HAD IT A WEEK AGO. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME. 167 00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:54,067 BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO GET MENTALLY HEALTHY IS TO GET PHYSICALLY SICK. 168 00:18:54,067 --> 00:19:00,407 SURE. THERE MIGHT BE LONG-TERM MEMORY PROBLEMS, BUT THAT MIGHT BE 169 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:04,444 AMAZING BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO FORGET. MY BRAIN IS ALREADY REALLY 170 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:09,549 BAD. BUT IF I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE IN A WEEK, I'LL TAKE THAT 171 00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:14,821 DEAL IN A HORSE BEAT. YOU MEAN HEART BEAT. EITHER WAY, THANKS COVID. 172 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:19,225 THANKS, COVID. I THINK I'LL GET COVID AGAIN. TODAY. 173 00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:25,298 COVID, GO AHEAD. YOU DESERVE A BREAK. [ APPLAUSE ] 174 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:32,872 SO WITH THAT SAID, MR. HUBBARD COULD NOT HAVE BEEN AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. 175 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:41,114 YOUR WITNESS. THANK YOU, COUNSEL. MOVING ON TO CROSS-EXAMINATION. 176 00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:45,151 SO ON THE NIGHT OF YOUR WIFE'S DISAPPEARANCE, WHAT DID YOU DO? 177 00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:50,223 I CALLED THE POLICE. REALLY? BECAUSE RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU 178 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:55,829 DID NOT. AND IN FACT, THE POLICE DIDN'T SHOW UP UNTIL YOUR NEIGHBORS 179 00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:57,564 CALLED. OH! UH-HUH. 180 00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:05,939 AND WHEN THE FORENSIC TEAM EXAMINED YOUR CLOTHING, THEY FOUND TRACES OF BLOOD. 181 00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:10,477 ORDER IN THE COURT. WE DON'T NEED ANY VOCAL REACTIONS FROM THE JURY. 182 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:15,215 FROM US? SORRY. WE JUST DID NOT EXPECT TRACES OF 183 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,517 BLOOD. PROSECUTION, THE FLOOR IS YOURS. 184 00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:23,123 PER THE FORENSIC INVESTIGATION, THE VICTIM WAS FOUND WITH MULTIPLE LACERATIONS 185 00:20:23,123 --> 00:20:28,895 TO HER ABDOMEN. OH, MY GOD! DO WE NEED TO TAKE A RECESS. 186 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:33,867 IT WAS JUST GETTING GOOD. I'M SERIOUSLY AT THE EDGE OF MY SHEET. 187 00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:38,738 I'M SHAKING. MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST MY APPLE WATCH THINKS I'M 188 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:42,175 GETTING STEPS. ORDER IN THE COURT, OR I WILL HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT. 189 00:20:42,175 --> 00:20:47,180 WE HEAR THAT. GUYS, GUYS. KEEP IT DOWN. 190 00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:55,021 PROSECUTION, PLEASE, ON TO YOUR NEXT LINE OF QUESTIONING. MR. HUBBARD, YOU CLAIM YOU 191 00:20:55,021 --> 00:21:03,530 WERE AT THE OFFICE ON THE 14th, BUT AS THE DEFENSE WAS SAYING -- I'M SORRY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS 192 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:10,904 DOING NOW? POSING FOR THE SKETCH ARTIST. HOW MUCH FOR THE DEATH 193 00:21:10,904 --> 00:21:13,807 PENALTY? NOW THE MURDER IS YELLING AT US. 194 00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:19,079 I'M LIKE CRAZY TRIGGERED. CAN I LIE DOWN AND LOOK AT MY PHONE FOR A WHILE. 195 00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:22,082 JURORS, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. OKAY. 196 00:21:22,082 --> 00:21:25,919 NOW THE JUDGE IS TRYING TO SILENCE THREE WOMEN OF COLOR. OKAY. 197 00:21:25,919 --> 00:21:30,490 CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON? AS I WAS SAYING -- OH, MY GOD. 198 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:34,160 WAIT. I'M LITERALLY SO BORED. CAN WE JUST LIKE PUT ON MUSIC 199 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:42,535 OR SOMETHING? MIDNIGHT! * MIDNIGHT, I STAY UP, I'M 200 00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:46,806 TAYLOR SWIFT * THAT IS NOT A SONG FROM MIDNIGHT. 201 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:54,247 I JUST NEED TO FINISH MY CROSS EXAM. MR. HUBBARD, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN 202 00:21:54,247 --> 00:21:58,885 THE STEAK KNIFE THAT WAS MISSING FROM YOUR SET. IT HAD BEEN MISSING SINCE WE 203 00:21:58,885 --> 00:22:03,723 MOVED IN. REALLY? BECAUSE IN A STORM DRAIN NEARBY, 204 00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:08,762 DETECTIVES FOUND THIS SUPPOSEDLY MISSING KNIFE. BAILIFF, SHOW THE COURT EXHIBIT 205 00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:11,731 B. IT'S NOT IN HERE. OH, MY GOD. 206 00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:15,702 DID YOU NEED THIS? I'M SORRY. THIS CHICKEN IS TOUGH. 207 00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:21,274 ALL RIGHT. THAT IS IT. YOU THREE ARE IN CONTEMPT OF 208 00:22:21,274 --> 00:22:25,612 COURT FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SORRY. 209 00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:31,484 BUT REAL QUICK, WHO AM I? YOU'RE HIM! THE MURDER! 210 00:22:31,484 --> 00:22:35,422 OKAY, OKAY. AND WHO AM I? WHO AM I? 211 00:22:35,422 --> 00:22:46,232 OH, YOU THE DEAD WIFE. YES. YOUR HONOR, SHE'S USING THE 212 00:22:46,232 --> 00:22:49,836 MURDER KNIFE TO CUT UP THE CHICKEN. RELAX. 213 00:22:49,836 --> 00:22:52,872 I CAN'T EVEN CUT THE CHICKEN ANYWAY. WAIT A MINUTE. 214 00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:59,346 THE LAWYER LADY IS SAYING HE KILLED HER WITH THAT KNIFE. BUT THE KNIFE ISN'T EVEN 215 00:22:59,346 --> 00:23:04,918 SHARP ENOUGH -- TO CUT THROUGH HER CHICKEN. WHICH MEANS -- 216 00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:09,522 HE'S INNOCENT! THAT'S WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING! 217 00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:15,862 SAYING! YEA! [ APPLAUSE ] 218 00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:47,761 TODAY WE WILL DECIDE IF SUSPENDED ACCOUNTS WILL BE LET BACK ON TWITTER. 219 00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:53,867 WHO BETTER TO DO IT THAN US, THE ONLY TWO TWITTER EMPLOYEES WHO HAVEN'T BEEN LAID OFF. 220 00:23:53,867 --> 00:23:58,471 YET. LET'S BEGIN OUR FIRST FAN ACCOUNT. 221 00:23:58,471 --> 00:24:02,242 SAY YOUR NAME. YOU WISH. BUT HERE'S WHAT I WILL TELL YOU. 222 00:24:02,242 --> 00:24:09,416 THE COVID PANDEMIC WAS CREATED BY BIG PHARMA TO SILENCE ME. EVERYBODY TRIES TO SILENCE ME. 223 00:24:09,416 --> 00:24:12,852 MA'AM, PLEASE SPEAK AT A LOWER VOLUME. I'M SORRY. 224 00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:21,895 AM I TOO LOUD FOR YOUR PRECIOUS INTENSIVE CARE UNITS. YOU AREN'T EVEN SICK. 225 00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:28,835 WHY WERE YOU BANNED? FINE. WE HAVE BANNED TWITTER USER 226 00:24:28,835 --> 00:24:32,839 ALPHA DOG OF WAR. A VETERAN. IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING, YES, 227 00:24:32,839 --> 00:24:40,313 I SERVED HONORABLY IN CALL OF DUTY, MODERN WARFARE TWO. AND WHY WERE YOU BANNED? 228 00:24:40,313 --> 00:24:49,089 ONE OF MY OWN SQUAD MATES KILLED ME AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT. I POSTED HIS REAL NAME, HOME 229 00:24:49,089 --> 00:24:53,893 ADDRESS, AND MIDDLE SCHOOL SCHEDULE AND SAID, TWITTER, DO YOUR THING. 230 00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:57,564 I MEAN, SOUNDS HARMLESS, RIGHT? NEXT. 231 00:24:57,564 --> 00:25:00,834 HI. OH, MY GOD. YOUR PROFILE IS SO FUNNY. 232 00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:06,439 I LOVE FUNNY GUYS. WELL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 233 00:25:06,439 --> 00:25:11,478 BUT WHY WERE YOU BANNED? THEY SAID I WAS A BAT, WHICH IS CRAZY. 234 00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:18,918 I'M ALL WOMAN, AND I LOVE FUNNY GUYS LIKE YOU. IN FACT, YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT 235 00:25:18,918 --> 00:25:31,598 THIS WEBSITE WHERE ME AND SOME OTHER GIRLS HANG OUT AND MEET CUTE GUYS. 236 00:25:31,598 --> 00:25:35,468 WWW.SEX PALACE.BIT SCAMS.IRAQ. SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. OH, MY GOD. 237 00:25:35,468 --> 00:25:40,206 YOU'RE SO FUNNY. I BET YOU HAVE AN AWESOME SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. 238 00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:46,413 NAH. IT'S NOTHING CRAZY. IT'S JUST 043 -- 239 00:25:46,413 --> 00:25:48,948 NO, NO. DON'T TELL HER. WHY NOT? 240 00:25:48,948 --> 00:25:51,685 WE VIBING. WHO'S NEXT? WHAT'S GOOD? 241 00:25:51,685 --> 00:26:01,761 I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF BLACK TWITTER, AND WE HEARD MUSK WAS GOING TO CHARGE US $8 TO USE 242 00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:10,170 TWITTER, AND WE SAY, NAH DOG. WE GOING TO RUN OUR AS OVER TO MY SPACE AND GET THAT POPPING 243 00:26:10,170 --> 00:26:12,372 AGAIN. NOTED. I WILL SEE YOU THERE. 244 00:26:12,372 --> 00:26:15,175 NEXT ACCOUNT. OH, MY GOD. HELLO. 245 00:26:15,175 --> 00:26:19,179 THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ME DONALD TRUMP. JUST JOHN, NOT JONATHAN. 246 00:26:19,179 --> 00:26:26,953 BUT I KNOW MANY JONATHANS, AND I REPRESENT ALL OF THEM. NO MORE THAN JTT HIMSELF, 247 00:26:26,953 --> 00:26:32,392 JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS WHO IS A PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE. I SAW HIM ON HOME IMPROVEMENT, 248 00:26:32,392 --> 00:26:38,131 AND I SAID THAT KID IS GOING TO BE A STAR, AND HE WAS FOR A VERY BRIEF TIME. 249 00:26:38,131 --> 00:26:45,138 BUT JTT WASN'T VERY NICE TO CHEVY CHASE IN MAN OF THE HOUSE, WAS HE? 250 00:26:45,138 --> 00:26:48,875 WON'T BE BACK FOR A REBOOT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? SURE. 251 00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:53,713 WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE BACK ON TWITTER? DIDN'T YOU START YOUR OWN SOCIAL 252 00:26:53,713 --> 00:26:56,316 MEDIA WEBSITE? EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. 253 00:26:56,316 --> 00:27:01,187 EXCUSE ME. YES, WE'VE ALL MOVED TO TRUE SOCIAL, AND WE LOVE TRUE SOCIAL. 254 00:27:01,187 --> 00:27:05,625 IT'S VERY GREAT, AND IN MANY WAYS ALSO TERRIBLE. IT'S VERY BAD. 255 00:27:05,625 --> 00:27:12,899 VERY, VERY BAD. IT'S A LITTLE BUGGY IN TERMS OF MAKING THE PHONE SCREENS CRACK 256 00:27:12,899 --> 00:27:17,904 AND THE AUTOMATICALLY DRAINING OF THE VENMO. LET ME BACK ON TWITTER, I WON'T 257 00:27:17,904 --> 00:27:22,776 DO ANYTHING BAD EXCEPT MAYBE COUP. ALL RIGHT. 258 00:27:22,776 --> 00:27:27,814 MIGHT AS WELL ROLL THE DICE, RIGHT? OH, ELON JUST TWEETED, AND 259 00:27:27,814 --> 00:27:33,920 WE'RE LAID OFF TOO. YEA! WE'RE FINALLY FREE. 260 00:27:40,927 --> 00:27:47,067 DAVID, FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU HAVE TO UNPACK YOUR CLOTHES. WE MOVED IN A MONTH AGO, HONEY. 261 00:27:47,067 --> 00:27:53,073 I WILL, MOM. I HAVE JUST BEEN BUSY. BUSY FLIRTING WITH EVERY GIRL 262 00:27:53,073 --> 00:27:55,842 IN SCHOOL. SHUT UP. HONEY, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 263 00:27:55,842 --> 00:28:00,046 I JUST FOUND THIS LETTER SLIPPED UNDER OUR DOOR. I DON'T KNOW. 264 00:28:00,046 --> 00:28:05,218 IT'S STRANGE. WHAT DOES IT SAY? DEAREST NEW NEIGHBORS AT 322 265 00:28:05,218 --> 00:28:10,223 OAK RIDGE BOULEVARD, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM THE LOOKER, AND I SEE 266 00:28:10,223 --> 00:28:16,529 EVERYTHING YOU DO. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK PRANK? 267 00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:19,165 I DON'T KNOW, CAROL. I SEE YOU'RE SETTLING IN NICELY. 268 00:28:19,165 --> 00:28:25,338 YOUR DAUGHTER LIKES TO WRITE IN HER DIARY ABOUT THE BOY WHO MOES THE LAWN, AND YOUR SON HAS BEEN 269 00:28:25,338 --> 00:28:29,109 HARD AT WORK PRACTICING HIS GUITAR. THIS IS CREEPING ME OUT. 270 00:28:29,109 --> 00:28:36,649 AND YOUR WIFE, AFTER EVERYONE'S ASLEEP, SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND EATS AN ENTIRE 271 00:28:36,649 --> 00:28:43,556 SECOND DINNER. THAT'S LIKE -- WHAT? SHE EATS IT LIKE A GREEDY 272 00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:49,462 RACCOON AFRAID OF GETTING CAUGHT. OKAY. 273 00:28:49,462 --> 00:28:56,936 AS FOR YOU, DADDY DEAREST. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR MORNING JOGS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 274 00:28:56,936 --> 00:29:01,207 I KNOW YOUR WIFE DOES. AFTER YOU LEAVE, SHE GETS A SNACK, TURNS ON THE TV, AND 275 00:29:01,207 --> 00:29:12,652 PLEASURES HERSELF. TO THE PROPERTY BROTHERS. OKAY. 276 00:29:12,652 --> 00:29:16,122 THAT'S NOT RINGING A BELL. BUT HE KNOWS ABOUT MY JOGS, CAROL. 277 00:29:16,122 --> 00:29:19,159 AND MY DIARY AND DAVID'S GUITAR. I KNOW. 278 00:29:19,159 --> 00:29:25,198 THAT'S WHY IT'S SO WEIRD THAT ALL MY STUFF IS CLEARLY MADE UP. YOUR LIFE MAY SEEM PERFECT, 279 00:29:25,198 --> 00:29:31,671 BUT THE LOOKER KNOWS IT'S NOT, AND YOUR POOR WIFE SEEMS TO BE HAVING TROUBLE IN THE BATHROOM. 280 00:29:31,671 --> 00:29:37,310 SLOWLY ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. GIVING HERSELF PEP TALKS. 281 00:29:37,310 --> 00:29:45,051 COME ON, COME ON. SHE GETS SO FRUSTRATED SHE'LL GO DOWNSTAIRS AND BLOW OFF MORE 282 00:29:45,051 --> 00:29:49,956 STEAM WITH PROPERTY BROTHERS. WHY IS SHE SO AROUSED BY THAT SHOW? 283 00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:54,594 IS IT THE BROTHERS OR THE PROPERTY? SOMEONE DOWNLOADED EVERY 284 00:29:54,594 --> 00:30:00,233 EPISODE OF PROPERTY BROTHERS. AND WATCHED FIVE MINUTES OF EACH ONE. 285 00:30:00,233 --> 00:30:12,712 SO THIS WEIRDO SNUCK INTO OUR HOUSE AND MESSED WITH THE TV? NOW I'M WEIRDED OUT OFFICIALLY. 286 00:30:12,712 --> 00:30:16,950 THEN SHE SAYS, TIKTOK DANCES, YOUR MOM WAS ON HER EXERCISE BIKE. 287 00:30:16,950 --> 00:30:26,426 THAT ONE'S REAL! SHE DOESN'T EVEN PEDAL. JUST SITS ON THE BIKE AND LOOKS 288 00:30:26,426 --> 00:30:30,630 AT HER PHONE. THEN GOES BACK TO THE BATHROOM TO TRY AGAIN. 289 00:30:30,630 --> 00:30:35,702 WHY CAN'T I GO! WE NEED TO GO TO THE POLICE AND TELL THEM THIS GUY IS MAKING 290 00:30:35,702 --> 00:30:41,074 UP LIES ABOUT JUST ME. WE WILL. I THINK IT WILL BE SAFEST IF WE 291 00:30:41,074 --> 00:30:47,013 STAY IN THE HOTEL TONIGHT. ONE OF US SHOULD STAY. I GUESS I'LL DO IT SINCE THIS 292 00:30:47,013 --> 00:30:56,222 GUY'S GOT NOTHING ON ME. IT'S DEMO DAY. IF YOU'RE WATCHING, IT'S THE 293 00:30:56,222 --> 00:31:02,062 IF YOU'RE WATCHING, IT'S THE PROPERTY I'M INTO. NOT THE BROTHERS. 294 00:31:14,307 --> 00:31:30,323 LACY. ** * I WISH I KNEW 295 00:31:30,323 --> 00:31:32,092 YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME * 296 00:31:32,092 --> 00:31:33,693 * I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME WHAT YOU, OOH, UH 297 00:31:33,693 --> 00:31:36,796 WHAT YOU DO * * MADE A MOVE COULDA MADE A MOVE 298 00:31:36,796 --> 00:31:46,439 IF I KNEW I'D BE WITH YOU IS IT TOO LATE TO PURSUE * * I BITE MY TONGUE 299 00:31:46,439 --> 00:31:53,980 IT'S A BAD HABIT KINDA MAD THAT I DIDN'T TAKE A STAB AT IT * 300 00:31:53,980 --> 00:31:57,317 * THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR ME, MY DEAR NEVER GAVE ME TIME OF DAY 301 00:31:57,317 --> 00:32:04,758 MY DEAR * * IT'S OKAY, THINGS HAPPEN FOR REASONS THAT I THINK 302 00:32:04,758 --> 00:32:10,230 ARE SURE, YEAH I WISH I KNEW * * I WISH I KNEW 303 00:32:10,230 --> 00:32:16,136 YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME * 304 00:32:16,136 --> 00:32:25,745 * I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW 305 00:32:25,745 --> 00:32:35,588 YOU WANTED ME * * SAY TO ME PLEASE JUST SAY TO ME 306 00:32:35,588 --> 00:32:44,798 IF THIS COULD WIND UP I WISH YOU WOULDN'T * * PLAY WITH ME 307 00:32:44,798 --> 00:32:58,778 I WANNA KNOW UH, CAN I BITE YOUR TONGUE LIKE MY BAD HABIT * 308 00:32:58,778 --> 00:33:04,184 * WOULD YOU MIND IF I TRIED TO MAKE A PASS AT IT WERE YOU NOT TOO GOOD 309 00:33:04,184 --> 00:33:07,887 FOR ME, MY DEAR * * FUNNY YOU COME BACK TO ME, MY DEAR 310 00:33:07,887 --> 00:33:13,793 IT'S OKAY THINGS HAPPEN FOR REASONS * * THAT I CAN'T IGNORE 311 00:33:13,793 --> 00:33:22,402 I WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME I WISH I KNEW * 312 00:33:22,402 --> 00:33:27,207 * WISH I KNEW I WISH I KNEW YOU WANTED ME YOU CAN'T SURPRISE A GEMINI 313 00:33:27,207 --> 00:33:32,579 I'M EVERYWHERE * * I'M CROSS-EYED, AND NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK 314 00:33:32,579 --> 00:33:36,383 I CAN'T DECIDE IF I DECIDE * * IF YOU'RE INVITED 315 00:33:36,383 --> 00:33:43,356 YOU ALWAYS KNEW THE WAY TO WOW ME AROUND GET TONGUE-TIED * 316 00:33:43,356 --> 00:33:46,559 * AND I TURN IT ON I MAKE IT ROWDY THEN CARRY ON 317 00:33:46,559 --> 00:33:53,099 BUT I'M NOT HIDIN' * * YOU GRABBIN' ME HARD 'CAUSE YOU KNOW 318 00:33:53,099 --> 00:34:08,615 WHAT YOU FOUND IS BISCUITS * * IS GRAVY, BABE, AH-AH 319 00:34:08,615 --> 00:34:30,270 ** YOU CAN'T SURPRISE A GEMINI BUT YOU KNOW IT'S BISCUITS 320 00:34:30,270 --> 00:34:39,979 IS GRAVY, BABE * * I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK AROUND 321 00:34:39,979 --> 00:34:49,089 'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S BISCUITS IT'S GRAVY, BABE * * LET'S IN THE BACK 322 00:34:49,089 --> 00:34:59,299 OF THE MALL, LOSE CONTROL GO STUPID, GO CRAZY, BABE I KNOW I'LL BE * 323 00:34:59,299 --> 00:35:08,675 * IN YOUR HEART 'TIL THE END YOU'LL MISS ME DON'T BEG ME, BABE * 324 00:35:08,675 --> 00:35:13,580 YOU'LL MISS ME DON'T BEG ME, BABE * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 325 00:35:30,797 --> 00:35:34,601 GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME. I'M MICHAEL CHE. 326 00:35:34,601 --> 00:35:43,143 I'M COLIN JOST. PRESIDENT BIDEN SEEN HERE BEGGING FOR ONE MORE YEAR BEFORE 327 00:35:43,143 --> 00:35:47,881 THE MIDTERMS LEARNED ABOUT REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES WHO SAY THEY WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT 328 00:35:47,881 --> 00:35:51,651 ELECTION RESULTS WARNING THEY COULD SET THE NATION ON A PATH TO CHAOS. 329 00:35:51,651 --> 00:35:56,289 SO, WAIT, THIS IS JUST THE PATH TO CHAOS? I THOUGHT WE HAD BEEN LIVE NOT 330 00:35:56,289 --> 00:36:01,361 GUILTY CHAOS FOR AT LEAST SIX YEARS. NANCY PELOSI'S HUSBAND WAS 331 00:36:01,361 --> 00:36:07,233 ATTACKED IN THEIR HOME BY A GUY WITH A HAMMER, AND INSTEAD OF BASIC SYMPATHY, REPUBLICANS WERE 332 00:36:07,233 --> 00:36:16,209 LIKE, WE HEARD HE GAY. DONALD TRUMP JR. MOCKED THE ATTACK BY POSTING AN IMAGE AND A 333 00:36:16,209 --> 00:36:27,487 PAIR OF UNDERPANTS SAYING, I GOT MY PAUL PELOSI HALLOWEEN COSTUME READY, AND I WOULD AGREE CON JR. 334 00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:33,860 IS PROBABLY THE THE MASTER OF GETTING HAMMERED IN HIS UNDERWEAR. 335 00:36:33,860 --> 00:36:41,234 YOU WERE TRYING TO BURN PAUL PELOSI, BUT NOW I'M WONDERING IF YOU WEAR YOUR DAD'S OLD 336 00:36:41,234 --> 00:36:49,709 UNDERWEAR. KYRIE IRVING ANNOUNCED FROM NOW ON, HE WILL PRETEND TO NOT 337 00:36:49,709 --> 00:36:55,849 BE ANTI-SEMITIC. HE TWEETED A LINK WAKE UP BLACK AMERICA. 338 00:36:55,849 --> 00:37:03,356 IN A HEGRO TO NEGROS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY FAVORITE GROUP IN THE '90s. 339 00:37:03,356 --> 00:37:10,663 JUST DAYS BEFORE THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS, OPRAH ENDORSED JOHN FETTERMAN INSTEAD OF THE MONSTER 340 00:37:10,663 --> 00:37:18,104 SHE UNLEASHED UPON US. ISN'T IT CRAZY THAT OPRAH GAVE DR. OZ HIS CAREER AND EVEN SHE'S 341 00:37:18,104 --> 00:37:26,579 TURNED AGAINST HIM? IT'S LIKE IF ROBIN RAN FOR MAYOR OF GOTHAM, AND BATMAN WAS LIKE I 342 00:37:26,579 --> 00:37:35,055 ENDORSE PENGUINS. HERSCHEL WALKER CRITICIZED BARACK OBAMA SAYING, PUT MY 343 00:37:35,055 --> 00:37:39,626 RESUME AGAINST HIS. FINE. SO HERE'S OBAMA'S RESUME, AND 344 00:37:39,626 --> 00:37:44,064 HERE'S HERSCHEL WALKER. BETTER THAN I THOUGHT. COUPLE OF TYPOS. 345 00:37:44,064 --> 00:37:50,470 THE LATEST JOB REPORTS SHOWS THAT LAST MONTH THE U.S. ECONOMY ADDED OVER 200,000 JOBS. 346 00:37:50,470 --> 00:37:58,778 WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, SAID ELON MUSK. SINCE ELON MUSK TOOK OVER 347 00:37:58,778 --> 00:38:04,017 TWITTER, USE OF THE N WORD ON THE SITE HAS REPORTEDLY JUMPED 500%. 348 00:38:04,017 --> 00:38:13,460 IT'S THE BIGGEST INCREASE IN THE USE OF THE N WORD SINCE THE LAST TIME I STUBBED MY TOE. 349 00:38:13,460 --> 00:38:20,734 KANYE WEST WAS SUSPENDED FROM INSTAGRAM AGAIN FOR POSTING A DESPAIRING MESSAGE ABOUT JEWISH 350 00:38:20,734 --> 00:38:25,038 PEOPLE. SEEMS LIKE HE'S DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND 351 00:38:25,038 --> 00:38:31,144 EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS, WHICH I'VE HEARD IS THE DEFINITION OF SOMETHING. 352 00:38:31,144 --> 00:38:39,886 HIS BUSINESS DEALS WENT BAD, AND HE JUST STARTED CALLING IT A JEWISH CONSPIRACY LIKE WHEN HIS 353 00:38:39,886 --> 00:38:42,889 ALBUMS WENT BAD AND HE STARTED CALLING IT GOSPEL. CALLING IT GOSPEL. 354 00:38:42,889 --> 00:38:50,130 TOMORROW IS THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON, OR AS FOX NEWS WILL REPORT IT, UNDOCUMENTED AFRICANS 355 00:38:50,130 --> 00:39:01,007 RUN WILD IN STREETS OF NEW YORK. RUN WILD IN STREETS OF NEW YORK. CHINA HAS LAUNCHED THE THIRD 356 00:39:01,007 --> 00:39:06,012 AND FINAL MODULE FOR ITS PERMANENT SPACE STATION. NOW ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS 357 00:39:06,012 --> 00:39:12,919 LAUNCH SOME CHILDREN TO ASSEMBLE IT. NEW YORK CITY IS NOW REQUIRING 358 00:39:12,919 --> 00:39:18,324 EMPLOYERS TO DISCLOSE SALARY RANGES IN ALL JOB LISTINGS. EMPLOYERS MUST LIST EVERYTHING 359 00:39:18,324 --> 00:39:26,700 RANGING FROM THE TOP SALARY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FEMALE SALARY. 360 00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:35,041 CNN HAS ANNOUNCED THAT DUE TO BUDGET CUTS THEY ARE SCALING BACK ON ORIGINAL SERIES AND 361 00:39:35,041 --> 00:39:39,112 DOCUMENTARIES. APPARENTLY THERE WAS A FLAW WITH THE BUSINESS MODEL OF GIVING 362 00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:47,520 STANLEY TUCCI MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO EAT GILATO. A ZOO IN ATLANTA WILL ALLOW 363 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:53,093 VISITORS TO CARRY FIREARMS. YOU WANT TO TRY LAUGHING AT ME AGAIN, MONKEYS? 364 00:39:53,093 --> 00:40:01,034 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAN? TENSIONS ARE ON THE RISE AFTER NORTH KOREA LAUNCHED MORE THAN 365 00:40:01,034 --> 00:40:05,638 20 MISSILES INTO THE OCEAN AND ALL BECAUSE THE LITTLE MERMAID IS BLACK. 366 00:40:05,638 --> 00:40:14,047 NOT REAL. A LINGUISTICS EXPERT HAS RELEASED A LIST OF THE MOST 367 00:40:14,047 --> 00:40:20,820 BEAUTIFUL SOUNDING BABY NAMES WITH THE TOP SPOTS GOING TO MATTHEW AND SOFIA WHILE THE 368 00:40:20,820 --> 00:40:27,861 WORST SOUNDING NAMES ARE MOIST AND SLURP. IN EASTERN OREGON ARE WARNING 369 00:40:27,861 --> 00:40:33,700 RESIDENTS ABOUT SEVERAL HAND GRENADES THAT HAVE WASHED ASHORE ON A BEACH WHEN ONE BEACH GOER 370 00:40:33,700 --> 00:40:46,079 SAID, MOMMY, LOOK AT THIS SHELL I FO -- NASA HAS RELEASED AN IMAGE OF 371 00:40:46,079 --> 00:40:49,649 THE SUN IN WHICH IT APPEARS TO BE SMILING. SO IF THE SUN CAN SMILE, WOULD 372 00:40:49,649 --> 00:41:00,727 IT KILL YOU LADIES TO TRY IT? AN ARIZONA WOMAN WAS ARRESTED AFTER SHE ALLEGEDLY WENT DAY 373 00:41:00,727 --> 00:41:12,639 DRINKING WHILE HER 5 MONTH-OLD CHILD WAS SITTING HOME ALONE LIKE A LOSER. 374 00:41:12,639 --> 00:41:17,444 WOULD SOMEBODY -- CALLING THE BABY A LOSER. WITH SO MANY MIDTERM RACES 375 00:41:17,444 --> 00:41:21,681 TIGHTENING, IT'S HARD TO PREDICT WHAT WILL DRIVE MORE TO THE POLLS. 376 00:41:21,681 --> 00:41:29,589 HERE TO COMMENT IS TAMMY THE TRUCKER WHO PROMISES SHE'S HERE TO TALK ABOUT GAS PRICES AND 377 00:41:29,589 --> 00:41:34,461 DEFINITELY NOT ABORTION. WHAT? HEY, THERE. 378 00:41:34,461 --> 00:41:38,998 IT'S ME. TAMMY THE TRUCKER. BREAKER, BREAKER, OVER. 379 00:41:38,998 --> 00:41:47,874 WOW, TAMMY. SO YOU ARE A TRUCKER WHO WAS VERY AFFECTED BY GAS PRICES. 380 00:41:47,874 --> 00:41:50,443 THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I THOUGHT IT WOULD, COLIN JOST. 381 00:41:50,443 --> 00:41:53,146 THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT ABORTIONS? 382 00:41:53,146 --> 00:41:59,252 NO, NO, NO. BREAKER, BREAKER, I GOT A BIG DADDY ON MY TAIL. 383 00:41:59,252 --> 00:42:05,225 ALL I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT IS GAS EVEN THOUGH THE SUPREME COURT SENT ROE V WADE TO THAT 384 00:42:05,225 --> 00:42:13,299 BIG PIT STOP IN THE SKY. 50 YEARS OF PRECEDENT. BEEP, BEEP. 385 00:42:13,299 --> 00:42:18,271 ARE YOU OKAY? IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE YOU DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT ABORTION. 386 00:42:18,271 --> 00:42:23,743 CALM YOUR COOTER DOWN. I'M TINA THE TRUCKER, WHATEVER NAME I GAVE YOU. 387 00:42:23,743 --> 00:42:31,818 I GOT TO BE IN RANCHO KUNKARUMBA BY NIGHT FALL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 388 00:42:31,818 --> 00:42:37,791 I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS MOMENT, SNOK GAS PRICES ARE UP, AND FAMILIES ARE 389 00:42:37,791 --> 00:42:42,762 HURTING, BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR NO MATTER WHO YOU VOTE FOR. 390 00:42:42,762 --> 00:42:47,767 WE'RE IN A GLOBAL RECESSION FUELED BY CORPORATE GREED AND WAR. 391 00:42:47,767 --> 00:42:53,273 HONK, HONK. BUT WHAT WILL KEEP DISAPPEARING IS SAFE ACCESS TO ABORTION. 392 00:42:53,273 --> 00:42:59,112 IT'S NOT REALLY MAGIC BECAUSE THEY TOLD US THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO, AND THEY HAVE BEEN 393 00:42:59,112 --> 00:43:03,383 DOING IT. BREAKER, BREAKER. I GOT A DOUBLE NICKEL ON THE 394 00:43:03,383 --> 00:43:06,319 FLAB. DID YOU JUST GOOGLE TRUCKER TERMS? 395 00:43:06,319 --> 00:43:09,622 LIKE RESEARCH? YEAH. HOLD THAT. 396 00:43:09,622 --> 00:43:15,195 I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ABORTION ON LIVE TV OR PEACOCK, WHATEVER THAT COUNTS AS. 397 00:43:15,195 --> 00:43:21,501 BUT THESE ARE SCARY TIMES, OKAY? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO JUST TAKE AWAY ACCESS TO HEALTHCARE. 398 00:43:21,501 --> 00:43:29,676 THEY WANT TO CRIMINALIZE IT TOO. IT'S SO BAD, US TRUCK DRIVERS ARE WARNING EACH OTHER TO DELETE 399 00:43:29,676 --> 00:43:36,082 OUR PERIOD TRACKING APPS. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT WEEK TO WEAR MY BAD UNDERWEAR. 400 00:43:36,082 --> 00:43:43,123 BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SOME DICK HEAD IN ARIZONA THINKS IT'S EVIDENCE OF A CRIME. 401 00:43:43,123 --> 00:43:53,099 ARUBA! I THINK IT'S AROOGA! WHY ARE YOU ON MY ASS? 402 00:43:53,099 --> 00:43:59,105 THE POINT IS, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR ANATOMY WITHOUT THEM HAVING TO 403 00:43:59,105 --> 00:44:06,179 CALL THEIR LAWYER FIRST. BEEP, BEEP. CHECK MY REAR. 404 00:44:06,179 --> 00:44:09,683 AM I CLEAR? IS MY REAR CLEAR? BEEP. 405 00:44:09,683 --> 00:44:14,554 I'M BACKING UP ABOUT 50 YEARS INTO THE PAST. I GOT YOU. 406 00:44:14,554 --> 00:44:17,323 I GOT YOU. I KNOW THIS WASN'T FUN FOR YOU. 407 00:44:17,323 --> 00:44:29,602 LET ME GIVE YOU SOME LITTLE TRUCKER TOYS. HERE'S A NUDEY MAG, AND HERE'S 408 00:44:29,602 --> 00:44:32,372 THIS. IS THIS GATORADE? IT WAS AT ONE POINT. 409 00:44:32,372 --> 00:44:38,144 TRUTH IS, I HAVE FELT PRETTY HELPLESS OVER THE PAST YEAR, AND IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO 410 00:44:38,144 --> 00:44:43,383 MAKE OTHER TRUCKERS FEEL BETTER. SO HERE'S THE THING I CAN SAY. THERE'S ONE MOTHER TRUCKING 411 00:44:43,383 --> 00:44:48,722 THING WE CAN DO TO FIGHT FOR MOTHER TRUCKING FREEDOM TO MAKE OUR OWN HEALTHCARE DECISIONS, 412 00:44:48,722 --> 00:44:54,327 AND THAT'S VOTE. AND I HOPE TO HELL EVERYONE VOTES. 413 00:44:54,327 --> 00:45:01,134 BECAUSE REMEMBER, WE ALL LOVE SOMEONE WHO'S HAD AN ABORTION -- I MEAN, DRIVES A TRUCK. 414 00:45:01,134 --> 00:45:09,876 BEEP, BEEP, AROOGA! FROM WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M COLIN JOST. 415 00:45:09,876 --> 00:45:13,446 FROM WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M COLIN JOST. I'M MICHAEL CHE, GOOD NIGHT! 416 00:45:23,223 --> 00:45:26,226 THIS IS SO FUN. I'M SO GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO GET THIS TOGETHER. 417 00:45:26,226 --> 00:45:33,066 IT IS A GREAT DAY FOR A GAME. COULDN'T ASK FOR BETTER TAILGATING WEATHER. 418 00:45:33,066 --> 00:45:36,569 IT SHOULD BE A GREAT GAME. BILLS ARE TOP OF THEIR DIVISION. 419 00:45:36,569 --> 00:45:41,608 THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD. SO IS THIS MACARONI SALAD. WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO 420 00:45:41,608 --> 00:45:44,144 MAKE THIS. I THREW IT TOGETHER LAST NIGHT. 421 00:45:44,144 --> 00:45:51,117 IT'S NOTHING. WELL, GIVE ME MORE NOTHINGS. UH-OH, BILLS FAN COMING. 422 00:45:51,117 --> 00:45:52,786 HEY! HEY! BILLS JERSEY! 423 00:45:52,786 --> 00:46:00,427 YOU'RE WEARING THE FREAKING WRONG SHIRT YOU A-HOLE! YOU LOOK LIKE A FREAKING 424 00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:06,933 MORON! KEEP WALKING, MORON! FREAKING DEAD TODAY, MORON! 425 00:46:06,933 --> 00:46:11,905 BY THE WAY, DID I TELL YOU, HENRY IS HAVING A TOUGH TIME AT SCHOOL. 426 00:46:11,905 --> 00:46:16,509 REVOLVE, OH, NO. WHAT HAPPENED? I GUESS HE'S GETTING BULLIED. 427 00:46:16,509 --> 00:46:19,846 NO. FOR HIS HAIR CUT. THAT'S AWFUL. 428 00:46:19,846 --> 00:46:25,418 WHERE DO KIDS EVEN LEARN THIS? FROM THE INTERNET, I GUESS. 429 00:46:25,418 --> 00:46:33,293 UH-OH, BAD ASS BILLS FAN ALERT. MAYBE YOU DO A FEW JUMPING JACKS! 430 00:46:33,293 --> 00:46:39,833 MAYBE EAT A VEGETABLE NEXT TIME, YOU FREAKING WHALE! I'M PREGNANT. 431 00:46:39,833 --> 00:46:46,840 YOU WANT A MEDAL? HAVE A DRINK, SLUT! MONKEY! 432 00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:51,644 MONKEY! OH, MY GOD. BY THE WAY, I WAS IN CVS 433 00:46:51,644 --> 00:46:54,914 YESTERDAY, THEY ALREADY HAVE THE CHRISTMAS STUFF OUT. I KNOW. 434 00:46:54,914 --> 00:47:00,653 THEY TAKE DOWN THE HALLOWEEN STUFF, AND POOF, IT'S CHRISTMAS. HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU 435 00:47:00,653 --> 00:47:05,058 GUYS DOING? IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER? THERE WILL BE IF YOU DON'T 436 00:47:05,058 --> 00:47:10,030 PUT THAT CHARCOAL OUT BEFORE YOU HEAD INTO THE GAME. OF COURSE WE'LL PUT IT OUT. 437 00:47:10,030 --> 00:47:21,908 I WOULD HOPE SO BECAUSE EVERY WEEK -- HEY! HEY, BILLS MAFIA! 438 00:47:21,908 --> 00:47:27,547 YOU'RE IN THE WRONG STADIUM, YOU FREAKING A-HOLE! YOU WANT TO CRY TO YOUR 439 00:47:27,547 --> 00:47:34,154 MOMMY? KEEP WALKING YOU DOUCHE BAG! I'LL BRING THE BARBECUE RIGHT 440 00:47:34,154 --> 00:47:39,459 TO YOU! YEAH, RUN RIGHT INTO TRAFFIC, YOU FREAKING DOUCHE BAG! 441 00:47:39,459 --> 00:47:43,763 YOU FOLKS ENJOY THE GAME. THANKS OFFICER. OH, MY GOD. 442 00:47:43,763 --> 00:47:48,668 I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. MY SECOND GRADE CLASS IS SO ADORABLE THIS YEAR, AND THEY'RE 443 00:47:48,668 --> 00:47:55,075 SO EXCITED TO LEARN. YEAH. HEY! 444 00:47:55,075 --> 00:48:00,146 BILLS, GET MY WHOLE THING! SUCK MY SLEEVE, BUDDY! SUCK IT FRONT TO BACK. 445 00:48:00,146 --> 00:48:05,352 OH, YOU'RE GOING TO GO BY ALL SLOW, HUH? YOU THINK THAT SCARES ME? 446 00:48:05,352 --> 00:48:12,792 I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU YOU PANSY. YEAH, I PUT MY WHOLE FIST THROUGH YOUR FACE, YOU FREAKING 447 00:48:12,792 --> 00:48:16,196 A-HOLE! KEEP MOVING YOU HUMP FREAKING HUMP. 448 00:48:16,196 --> 00:48:20,033 I AM REALLY FEELING THIS WHITE CLAW. EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND. 449 00:48:20,033 --> 00:48:29,242 HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? SO SHOULD WE START HEADING IN 450 00:48:29,242 --> 00:48:31,111 SOON? YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE'S ONLY FIVE MINUTES LEFT 451 00:48:31,111 --> 00:48:36,049 IN THE GAME. OH, MY GOSH. DID WE MISS THE WHOLE GAME 452 00:48:36,049 --> 00:48:38,284 AGAIN? YEAH. SO SHOULD WE JUST STAY OUT 453 00:48:38,284 --> 00:48:42,355 HERE? I'M HAVING FUN. HEY! 454 00:48:42,355 --> 00:48:48,328 HEY! SUCK MY SLEEVE, YOU DUMB COW! SUCK MY WHOLE SLEEVE! 455 00:48:48,328 --> 00:48:53,133 SUCK MY SLEEVE, YOU DUMB COW! SUCK MY WHOLE SLEEVE! J-E-T-S, JETS! 456 00:48:57,971 --> 00:49:04,277 THIS ONE, BUT OF COURSE I GOT MY PERIOD TODAY ZBLI WANT A PERIOD OPTION THAT'S CONVENIENT AND 457 00:49:04,277 --> 00:49:08,014 DISCRETE SO I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LEAKS, ODORS OR ANYTHING. 458 00:49:08,014 --> 00:49:11,651 WHAT I'M AT WORK, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RUN BACK AND FORTH TO THE BATHROOM. 459 00:49:11,651 --> 00:49:19,025 I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT. NOW YOU CAN WITH PINX 460 00:49:19,025 --> 00:49:22,896 UNDERWEAR. YOU'LL BE COVERED ALL DAY LONG NO MATTER WHAT. 461 00:49:22,896 --> 00:49:26,566 AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS TO KNOW YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD IS YOU. 462 00:49:26,566 --> 00:49:31,104 NOW MY PERIOD IS MY LITTLE SECRET. OH, A DOG. 463 00:49:31,104 --> 00:49:38,044 FINALLY, AN UNDERWEAR THAT'S AS NATURAL AS YOU. IT'S MADE OF ALL ORGANIC 464 00:49:38,044 --> 00:49:44,084 MATERIALS. I LOVE NOT HAVING TO BRING A BAG OF SUPPLIES WHEREVER I GO. 465 00:49:44,084 --> 00:49:49,923 I LOVE NOT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT IT. NOW I GET TO DO ME, AND PINX 466 00:49:49,923 --> 00:49:52,692 DOES THE REST. WOW, DOGS REALLY LOVE YOU. YEAH. 467 00:49:52,692 --> 00:49:55,362 I HAVE A CHEESE BURGER IN MY POCKET. WHAT? 468 00:49:55,362 --> 00:50:09,809 EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. PINX HAS OPTIONS FOR EVERY LEVEL . 469 00:50:09,809 --> 00:50:16,049 I LOVE STINKS -- SORRY, PINX. NO MORE HIDING, PLASTIC, AND NO MORE STRESS. 470 00:50:16,049 --> 00:50:26,426 YOU SHOULD FEEL BEAUTIFUL. HUMAN, ATTRACTIVE. NOW, YOU CAN WALK PROUD. 471 00:50:26,426 --> 00:50:33,366 HAVE YOUR PERIOD THE WAY NATURE INTENDED WITH PINX. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR 472 00:50:33,366 --> 00:50:36,336 DINNER? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GET DINNER 473 00:50:36,336 --> 00:50:38,304 OR -- I CANNOT HEAR YOU. OH, MY GOD! 474 00:50:38,304 --> 00:50:45,945 OH, MY GOD! RUN! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA WE GOT. 475 00:50:56,356 --> 00:51:02,128 WKTVN NEWS. LATER TONIGHT, BAKLAVA OR BALA? 476 00:51:02,128 --> 00:51:06,800 THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO DELICIOUS TREATS. I LOVE STUDIES LIKE THAT. 477 00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:12,105 FIRST WE GO WHERE A FIRE HAS SPREAD FORCING SEVERAL FAMILIES OUT OF THEIR HOMES. 478 00:51:12,105 --> 00:51:19,646 LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR BRAND NEW REPORTER, CHANCE HARMSTRONG. THANKS. 479 00:51:19,646 --> 00:51:26,419 I'M SO THRILLED TO BE JOINING THE TEAM. RIGHT NOW I'M WITH A LOCAL 480 00:51:26,419 --> 00:51:32,225 RESIDENT. MA'AM, TELL US WHAT HAPPENED. SIR, I WAS HAVING MY NORMAL 481 00:51:32,225 --> 00:51:40,934 CIGARETTE IN BED, AND I WAS WOKEN UP BY A MAN WHO SAID, BANG, BANG, BANG, AND I PUT TWO 482 00:51:40,934 --> 00:51:43,903 AND TEN TOGETHER, AND I SAID FIRE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THIS 483 00:51:43,903 --> 00:51:48,108 FIRE COULD HAVE STARTED? I'M NOT SURE HOW, BUT I KNOW 100% WHY. 484 00:51:48,108 --> 00:51:53,279 I DO NOT WANT TO SAY NAMES, BUT IT WAS MY COUSIN. IT WAS YOUR COUSIN? 485 00:51:53,279 --> 00:51:58,485 YES, AND SHE IS LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU NOW, SIR. WHAT? 486 00:51:58,485 --> 00:52:07,694 OH, YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF ME? NO, YOU'RE NOT. NOT FOR FREE, YOU'RE NOT. 487 00:52:07,694 --> 00:52:12,532 SHE'S MAD BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET WITH MY HUSBAND BECAUSE LOOK AT HIM. 488 00:52:12,532 --> 00:52:15,368 THIS FOR TV? YES. THIS IS THE NEWS. 489 00:52:15,368 --> 00:52:19,973 OH, SNAP. BACK TO THE FIRE. IT'S A LONG STORY BUT SHE'S 490 00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:25,612 MAD BECAUSE SHE CAN'T GET WITH HIM BECAUSE HE CLOSE ME AND HE'S MY COUSIN. 491 00:52:25,612 --> 00:52:30,850 KEEP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT, I WILL SET YOUR HOUSE UPON FIRE AGAIN. 492 00:52:30,850 --> 00:52:34,654 SET MY HOUSE ON FIRE. I'M SCARED. ALL RIGHT. 493 00:52:34,654 --> 00:52:37,824 THIS WAS NOT AS INFORMATIVE AS I HOPED. BACK TO YOU. 494 00:52:37,824 --> 00:52:41,928 HEY, HEY. COME BACK TO ME. TAKE MY PICTURE. 495 00:52:41,928 --> 00:52:48,134 LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. ONE HAND, ONE HAND. HE'S SHOWING OFF FOR ME. 496 00:52:48,134 --> 00:52:54,841 I WANT TO LAY WITH YOU. I SAID I CAN'T. WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, AND 497 00:52:54,841 --> 00:53:02,215 I THINK WE'RE ALL DONE HERE. VICKIE AND ALICIA. SIR, IF I MAY JUST INCLUDE, 498 00:53:02,215 --> 00:53:07,253 THE TWO OF THEM ARE COUSINS. YES, I KNOW THAT. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE 499 00:53:07,253 --> 00:53:11,257 FIRE. NO, I DO NOT. BUT SINCE HE GOT TO DO A TRICK, 500 00:53:11,257 --> 00:53:16,863 LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. OKAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 501 00:53:16,863 --> 00:53:20,967 AND I'M NOT REALLY HERE TO LOOK AT TRICKS. HEY. 502 00:53:20,967 --> 00:53:32,278 HE AIN'T EVEN MY COUSIN. HE'S ONLY MY COUSIN BECAUSE HE MARRIED MY COUSIN. 503 00:53:32,278 --> 00:53:36,783 SO, HEY, I CAN STILL GET WITH YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO LAY WITH YOU. 504 00:53:36,783 --> 00:53:41,388 NO ONE WANTS TO LAY WITH YOU. I BET YOU SOMEONE WILL. NO, THEY WON'T. 505 00:53:41,388 --> 00:53:45,959 BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT IT LIKE THIS. LIKE HELL I DON'T. 506 00:53:45,959 --> 00:53:49,195 OKAY. NO. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. 507 00:53:49,195 --> 00:53:57,504 IT'S LITERALLY MY FIRST DAY. OH, SIR, IF I MAY. I CAN CLEAR THIS UP 100%. 508 00:53:57,504 --> 00:53:59,939 JUST -- JUST DON'T SAY THEY'RE COUSINS. 509 00:53:59,939 --> 00:54:05,512 EXACTLY. THEY ARE COUSINS. ALSO, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. 510 00:54:05,512 --> 00:54:08,581 OKAY. YEAH. NOW I'M UNFORTUNATELY SEEING A 511 00:54:08,581 --> 00:54:15,088 LOT OF PEOPLE LINED UP, AND I'M ASSUMING NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE FIRE. 512 00:54:15,088 --> 00:54:20,293 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, SIR. BUT LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. 513 00:54:20,293 --> 00:54:23,496 THAT'S GREAT. YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. LISTEN. 514 00:54:23,496 --> 00:54:32,205 THE REAL REASON I AM MAD AT HER, THE REAL REASON I AM MAD AT YOU AND SET FIRE TO UPON YOUR HOUSE 515 00:54:32,205 --> 00:54:39,846 AND YOUR TRAMPOLINE UPON FIRE IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT HAD SAID ONE NICE THING TO ME MY WHOLE 516 00:54:39,846 --> 00:54:41,314 LIFE. WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? 517 00:54:41,314 --> 00:54:46,786 I LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOUR SMILE. YOUR HOME EMBRACE IS WORTH. 518 00:54:46,786 --> 00:54:52,659 YOU MAKE GOOD FRENCH BREAD PIZZA, AND I'M SORRY THAT THE YEARS HAVE TORN US APART IN TERM 519 00:54:52,659 --> 00:54:57,831 OF BEING COUSINS. SO NOW WHAT? I GUESS MAKE UP? 520 00:54:57,831 --> 00:55:00,333 YEAH. NO. NO. 521 00:55:00,333 --> 00:55:07,507 DO NOT FILM THESE THREE COUSINS KISSING. WELL, IT WAS MY FIRST DAY, AND 522 00:55:07,507 --> 00:55:19,919 I'M ASSUMING IT'S MY LAST. SO IN THAT CASE, WHAT THE HELL. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. 523 00:55:25,792 --> 00:55:33,466 SORRY, ROBIN, BUT DRAW FOUR. OH, MAN. HAHAHA. 524 00:55:33,466 --> 00:55:36,302 SUCKS TO BE YOU. SAVE YOUR GLOATING. YOU'RE RIGHT. 525 00:55:36,302 --> 00:55:40,407 SORRY TO GET SO COMPETITIVE, GUYS. IT'S FINE, GLENN. 526 00:55:40,407 --> 00:55:44,210 NO, IT'S NOT FINE. IT'S SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IN THERAPY. 527 00:55:44,210 --> 00:55:50,617 YOU GO TO THERAPY? THAT'S LIKE REALLY SURPRISING. SERIOUSLY, TALK ABOUT A 528 00:55:50,617 --> 00:55:55,088 COMPLETE 180. I KNOW, REMEMBER HOW CRANKY HE USED TO BE? 529 00:55:55,088 --> 00:55:59,092 THAT'S ONE WAY TO PUT IT. I WOULD HAVE SAID TOXIC AS A MUG. 530 00:55:59,092 --> 00:56:02,429 OKAY. YOU GOT ME. HONESTLY, EVER SINCE I 531 00:56:02,429 --> 00:56:08,168 FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO GO TO BIG PENIS THERAPY, HE'S BEEN SO MUCH HAPPIER. 532 00:56:08,168 --> 00:56:13,940 HE'S LIKE A NEW PERSON. ONE MORE TIME. DID YOU SAY BIG PENIS 533 00:56:13,940 --> 00:56:17,143 THERAPY? YEAH. IT'S A PLACE WHERE I CAN FINALLY 534 00:56:17,143 --> 00:56:22,682 OPEN UP ABOUT MY PROBLEMS WITH MY DAD, MY INSECURITIES, MY RAGE ISSUES. 535 00:56:22,682 --> 00:56:27,253 THAT SOUNDS LIKE REGULAR THERAPY? LET'S GO BACK TO THE GAME. 536 00:56:27,253 --> 00:56:33,827 WHO'S TURN IS IT? SHE HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET ME TO GO TO THERAPY EVER SINCE I 537 00:56:33,827 --> 00:56:37,764 CHEATED ON HER. YOU REMEMBER THAT, BABE? I SURE DO. 538 00:56:37,764 --> 00:56:45,905 THERAPY ALWAYS SEEMED TO FRUITY, BUT THEN I HEARD ABOUT BIG PENIS THERAPY FOR MEN WITH 539 00:56:45,905 --> 00:56:54,080 BIG OLD PENISES LIKE MINE. BIG PENIS THERAPY HELPS DESTIGMATIZE MEN FOR WORKING ON 540 00:56:54,080 --> 00:57:01,755 THEIR MENTAL HEALTH. THE GUYS RAISED ME, BUT THEN I SHOWED THEM MY SWEET DAMAGE 541 00:57:01,755 --> 00:57:16,302 FOR COMPLETING SIX MONTHS, AND NOW THEY WANT THERAPY TOO. GOD FORGIVE MY PAINES? 542 00:57:16,302 --> 00:57:20,040 WHAT'S THAT? MAYBE I SHOULD TELL MY JAKE ABOUT THIS. 543 00:57:20,040 --> 00:57:27,380 ARE YOU SURE JAKE QUALIFIES? ACTUALLY, HE'S PRETTY OKAY. WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S NOT 544 00:57:27,380 --> 00:57:35,055 PRETTY OKAY SIZED THERAPY. IT'S THERAPY FOR GUYS WITH GREAT BIG ONES LIKE MINE, OR SHAQ'S OR 545 00:57:35,055 --> 00:57:38,792 GUYS FROM LONG NATURALS MAGAZINE. SIZE ISN'T REALLY IMPORTANT. 546 00:57:38,792 --> 00:57:44,264 PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT. IT'S OKAY, HONEY. IT ACTUALLY IS IMPORTANT, AND 547 00:57:44,264 --> 00:57:49,903 BEFORE THERAPY, I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU A STUCK UP BITCH FOR SAYING THAT, BUT NOW I WON'T. 548 00:57:49,903 --> 00:57:56,076 DID THEY MEASURE YOUR PENIS FIRST TO MAKE SURE YOU QUALIFY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 549 00:57:56,076 --> 00:58:02,015 I'M JUST SAYING, HOW DO THEY KNOW IF YOU HAVE A BIG -- THEY DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE. 550 00:58:02,015 --> 00:58:07,654 HONEY, RELAX. IT'S A GOOD QUESTION. THE DOCTORS CAN TELL FROM YOUR 551 00:58:07,654 --> 00:58:12,359 OVERALL VIBE IF YOU HAVE A BABY LEG LIKE I DO. WELL, WHATEVER THEY'RE DOING, 552 00:58:12,359 --> 00:58:17,897 IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR YOU. THAT'S TRUE. YOU SEEMED TO HAVE EVEN LOST 553 00:58:17,897 --> 00:58:24,104 WEIGHT. THAT'S ALL THANKS TO MY FAT ROD VEGAN PLANT. 554 00:58:24,104 --> 00:58:31,344 HE'S ALSO DRINKING NONALCOHOLIC BEERS. AND I ALSO JOINED AN ACTIVIST 555 00:58:31,344 --> 00:58:39,919 GROUP CALLED THREE EYED MONSTER PECKERS. WELL, GOOD. 556 00:58:39,919 --> 00:58:44,324 BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DRAW FOUR. AND BABE, YOU ONLY HAD ONE 557 00:58:44,324 --> 00:58:48,395 LEFT. YOU ALMOST WON. STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! 558 00:58:48,395 --> 00:58:52,599 STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! BIG PENIS THERAPY, IT'S THERAPY. 559 00:59:02,208 --> 00:59:03,410 ONCE AGAIN, STEVE LACY. 560 00:59:03,410 --> 00:59:10,850 * OH-OH, I'D BEEN CONSUMED I'M NOT FOR SALE MAN WHAT THE HELL 561 00:59:10,850 --> 00:59:23,296 I BEEN WITH YOU * * AND THIS AIN'T GON' LAST ME FOREVER 562 00:59:23,296 --> 00:59:28,101 ALL THAT I CAN BE IS ME AND ALL ME * * TIME TO GET OUT 563 00:59:28,101 --> 00:59:36,209 I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND ALL THAT I CAN SEE IS YOU WITHOUT ME * 564 00:59:36,209 --> 00:59:44,818 * NO, I CAN'T SCOLD YOU HOWEVER I TRIED TO PLAY PRETEND 565 00:59:44,818 --> 00:59:50,190 TRY NOT TO SEE THE END * * BUT I COULDN'T SEE YOU THE WAY YOU SAW ME 566 00:59:50,190 --> 00:59:55,061 NOW I CAN FEEL THE WASTE ON ME * * I TRIED MY BEST 567 00:59:55,061 --> 01:00:10,543 TO BE WORTH ALL YOUR WHILE YOU JUST GOTTA LET ME GO AS I'M TRYNA LET GO OF YOU * 568 01:00:10,543 --> 01:00:25,025 * SHO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO OOH-OOH, I'LL BE THERE SOON 569 01:00:25,025 --> 01:00:31,498 I'M KINDA SAD * * WHAT SHOULD I DO WHAT SHOULD I DO 570 01:00:31,498 --> 01:00:40,040 GUESS I'LL MOVE ON LOVE WON'T HARASS ME * * FOREVER 571 01:00:40,040 --> 01:00:48,615 ALL THAT I COULD BE IS ME AND ALL ME ALL THAT NOSTALGIA * 572 01:00:48,615 --> 01:00:55,055 * BEEN UP ON A DOWNER I CAN'T MAKE YOUR EYES SEE GON' BE WHAT IT'S GON' BE 573 01:00:55,055 --> 01:01:04,764 DON'T COME BACK AROUND ME * * NO, NEVER YOU WERE SO AUTOMATIC 574 01:01:04,764 --> 01:01:16,076 SO YOU KNOW I HAD TO HAVE IT BUT LOVIN YOU WAS A HAZARD * * SO I GOT MY HEART A HELMET 575 01:01:16,076 --> 01:01:19,279 I TRIED MY BEST TO BE WORTH ALL YOUR WHILE YOU JUST GOTTA LET ME GO * 576 01:01:19,279 --> 01:01:30,123 * AS I'M TRYNA LET GO OF YOU * LET ME LET ME 577 01:01:30,123 --> 01:01:46,206 ALLOW ME TO LET GO OF YOU OH-OH, LET ME, LET ME GO * * OH, NO-OH, OH-OH, OH 578 01:01:46,206 --> 01:02:20,206 YEAH * ** ** 579 01:02:20,206 --> 01:02:26,980 ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 580 01:02:36,222 --> 01:02:41,695 WOMEN. HEY, GIRLY. ARE YOU LIKE US? 581 01:02:41,695 --> 01:02:49,235 A WELL-OFF WOMAN WITH PERFECT MAKEUP AND LONG, STRAIGHT HAIR? ARE YOU BETWEEN 20 AND 45 AND 582 01:02:49,235 --> 01:02:55,508 IT'S FALL OUTSIDE? DO YOU WANT A PERSONALITY YOU CAN WEAR ON YOUR HEAD? 583 01:02:55,508 --> 01:03:02,882 THEN YOU NEED, BIG DUMB HATS. THIS IS THE HAT THAT MAKES EVERYONE SAY, OH, HER. 584 01:03:02,882 --> 01:03:09,489 THE HAT THAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK, OH, SHE WENT HAT. THE HAT THAT SAYS, WHEN I WAS 585 01:03:09,489 --> 01:03:15,362 IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WASN'T MEAN OR NICE. BIG. 586 01:03:15,362 --> 01:03:20,967 DUMB. HATS. BIG DUMB HAT COMES IN COLORS, 587 01:03:20,967 --> 01:03:27,474 LIKE TAN OR THAT'S IT. AND THE RIM IS PERFECT TO TOUCH SO PEOPLE SEE YOUR BIG 588 01:03:27,474 --> 01:03:34,481 DUMB ENGAGEMENT RING. OH, THIS? YEAH, IT A BIGGY. 589 01:03:34,481 --> 01:03:45,258 AM I A COWGIRL IN NO, GIRL. I'M PLANT BASED, EXCEPT FOR MY COY BASE. 590 01:03:45,258 --> 01:03:51,664 IF YOU SEE ME WEARING AT THE AIRPORT, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO PUSH MY WAY ON BEFORE MY 591 01:03:51,664 --> 01:03:55,268 BOARDING GROUP. WOW. IS YOUR HAT EVEN BIGGER THAN 592 01:03:55,268 --> 01:03:59,372 BEFORE? YOU TELL ME. YOU CAN WEAR BIG DUMB HAT 593 01:03:59,372 --> 01:04:03,043 ANYWHERE. THE BEACH. OR A SOCCER GAME. 594 01:04:03,043 --> 01:04:11,551 IF YOU SEE THIS HAT IN STARBUCKS, YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE OAT MILK. 595 01:04:11,551 --> 01:04:19,893 BIG DUMB HATS. WANT TO HEAR A SECRET? I MADE A BABY IN THIS HAT. 596 01:04:19,893 --> 01:04:40,280 I NAMED MY KID, POET, STORY, LIRIC AND ARCADE. I POST A PICTURE OF MY 597 01:04:40,280 --> 01:04:43,116 WEDDING EVERY SINGLE DAY. CAN YOU DANCE IN THE HAT? WELL, YOU'LL WISH WE DIDN'T. 598 01:04:43,116 --> 01:04:48,688 * TAKE ME TO CHURCH * DON'T YOU HATE HOW WE DANCE? HATS. 599 01:04:48,688 --> 01:04:53,626 DUMB. BIG. BIG DUMB HAT THE HAT THAT 600 01:04:53,626 --> 01:04:58,264 MACKS YOUR BOYFRIEND SAY, IT'S ME OR THE HAT. IT'S THE HAT THAT SCREAMS, 601 01:04:58,264 --> 01:05:01,301 WAIT. I THINK I FORGOT TO VOTE. DID I MISS IT? 602 01:05:01,301 --> 01:05:09,042 CAN I STILL GET A STICKER? HAT. PAIR IT WITH TINY LITTLE 603 01:05:09,042 --> 01:05:16,483 CURSIVE TATTOO, COMPLICATED MORNING ROUTINE AND FAKE GLUTEN ATOR JI. 604 01:05:16,483 --> 01:05:22,889 YELLOW STONE WATCH PARTY AND A WOOD FIRED PIZZA OVEN. OOH, LOOK AT THAT CHAR. 605 01:05:22,889 --> 01:05:31,131 AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG OLD CREASE ON YOUR FOREHEAD FROM THE 606 01:05:31,131 --> 01:05:34,234 HAT. CAN A MAN WEAR A BIG DUMB HAT? 607 01:05:34,234 --> 01:05:39,272 I THINK SO, BUT LET'S FIND OUT. HELLO, LADIES. 608 01:05:39,272 --> 01:05:44,077 LET'S GET VULNERABLE. NO, NO. NO. 609 01:05:44,077 --> 01:05:49,249 SO GET YOUR BIG DUMB HAT TODAY. WAIT. 610 01:05:49,249 --> 01:05:56,589 IS YOUR HAT EVEN BIGGER? MAYBE. BIG DUMB HATS. 611 01:05:56,589 --> 01:06:04,631 BIG DUMB HATS. FROM THE MAKER OF DUMB LITTLE DOG. 612 01:06:17,344 --> 01:06:23,750 ENTIRE CAST AND CREW AND AUDIENCE. AND PLEASE VOTE, AND I LOVE YOU 613 01:06:23,750 --> 01:06:31,057 AND PLEASE VOTE, AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME AND SEE YOU GUYS.