♪♪
Dionne Warwick: ♪ love ♪
♪ love, exciting and new ♪
♪ come aboard ♪
♪ we're expecting you ♪
♪ and love ♪
♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ let it flow ♪
♪ it floats back to you ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ soon will be making another run ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ promises something for everyone ♪
♪ set a course for adventure ♪
♪ your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ and love ♪
♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ it's an open smile ♪
♪ on a friendly shore ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ soon will be making another run ♪
♪ welcome aboard ♪
♪ it's love ♪
♪ welcome aboard ♪
♪ it's love ♪
We'd like to welcome all the guests
of the Ryan-springer wedding.
We hope you'll enjoy your weekend cruise
aboard the pacific Princess.
Bon voyage and happy wedding.
Oh, thank you for the tour, captain.
It was my pleasure, Mrs. Ryan.
What a ship, what a beauty, what a great place to work.
Ah.
Oh, I don't know what Ernie's more excited about --
having our daughter's wedding
onboard ship or getting to toot the ship's whistle.
Well, but weddings and tootings
can both be emotional experiences.
Just out of curiosity, how long does it take to become a captain
of a ship like this? -Well...
You'll have to excuse my husband, captain.
He's just retired and he's looking for a good hobby.
Oh, try golf. You can pick your own hours.
Excuse me, ern.
Could I talk to you?
Oh, uh, captain,
I'd like for you to meet my nephew, George...
-Thurlow. -Hello, George.
This young man made it possible
for me to retire this year at 50.
Ryan industries couldn't be in better hands.
Oh, excuse me!
I see the flowers have arrived. Right this way.
Ernie, uh, Mr. Ryan, uh,
I need to talk to you about some of our foreign accounts.
George, relax.
We're here to have a good time.
Only Don corleone does business at weddings.
[ Laughs ]
Seriously, Ernie,
I have an important decision to make.
You don't need me for that.
Trust your instincts.
Let your gut be your guide.
Hey, a ballpark figure, captain --
how much does a rig like this cost new?
Boy, they certainly roll out the red carpet for you, don't they?
I should get married more often.
I thought you were right behind me.
Yeah, well, I was, you see.
But then, I remembered I forgot the the collar stays.
And you can't get married without collar stays.
It's bad luck, very bad luck.
Look, I know you're afraid of seeing Mr. Ryan.
Well, why shouldn't I be? I mean,
the man threatened to kill me.
You were dating his daughter.
You were a major jerk then.
He wasn't the only one who threatened to kill you.
Welcome aboard.
I gotta get outta here.
Ah, thanks. I'm Matt springer.
This is Kurt Duncan. We're the, uh...
I know.
Looks like we got a reluctant bridegroom on our hands here.
[ Chuckles ] Actually, i'm the one who's getting married.
He's the reluctant best man.
No kidding?
Well, nice of him to get the jitters for you.
Does he always look this pale?
The ring! I forgot to get the ring.
Nice try. Don't worry.
I'll get him through this somehow.
Come on, buddy.
It's only a weekend. You can make it.
Yeah, well, that's what they said to the guys at the alamo.
You know, this means a lot to me, having you here.
-Yeah, I know. -I have no one else.
-No relatives... -I know.
Except for my grandfather, and lord knows where he is.
-I know. -You're a good friend.
I know.
And as soon as your future father-in-law
finds out I'm here, I'm also a dead man.
I know.
Ho!
-Hey! -H -- hey!
-Thanks. -You bet.
Hello. Bride's or groom's party?
Oh, don't bother, honey.
The dink out there gave me my cabin assignment.
-The dink? -I think he means gopher.
Yeah, dip, dink, wimp, gopher, whatever...
But I'd rather bunk in with you, babycakes.
Well, I am flattered, but, uh, company rules.
Listen, I won't tell if you don't. [ Laughs ]
So, why don't you whisper your room number
in my little, pink ear? [ Chuckles ]
I'd rather eat dirt.
Okay. [ Laughs ]
'Scuse me.
Listen, uh, cupcake, are you interested in,
uh, takin' a trip to the moon on gossamer wings?
Huh? -I'm the captain's daughter.
Ho-ho, hey! [ Laughs ]
You know, that doesn't make you a nun, sweetie.
Bye.
[ Imitates gunshot, laughs ]
She is interested.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can tell.
Listen, uh, if you change your mind,
there's plenty of eldon Lundy to go around.
You know what I mean? [ Laughs ]
-Get lost. -Yeah.
Hey, babe.
Yeah, you, babe. You goin' my way?
Uh, babe, you...
[ Whistles ] Yeah, you.
Great. Thank you.
Okay, hold it. Look this way.
Big sm--
Lori!
Ace!
Is it really you?
Oh, what a wonderful surprise! Ohh!
I never dreamed you'd be at my wedding.
Oh, well, I -- I work here.
[ Both chuckle ]
Last time I saw you...
We were breaking up.
Right. -Right.
But we wanted to date other people.
No, you wanted to date other people.
I was happy dating you.
Well, I -- I guess I just wasn't ready to make any commitments.
Mm.
So, um, are you seeing anyone special?
Well, not exactly.
I mean, not really. Actually, no.
Oh, that's my ace, never wanting to put down roots.
Oh. -Mm.
I hope you find that special girl someday.
Oh...
[ Ship horn blows ]
♪♪
[ Chattering, laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
Ah, so this is where it's going to happen.
Oh, Judy, Vicki... -Hi.
I want you to meet my sister, Jackie.
-Hello. -Hi.
Oh, so you're the maid of honor.
Or matron of honor.
I'm not sure which one it is either.
I was married, and then I got divorced.
Ah. You know, I knew we'd hit a snag.
You just cannot find a good wedding book
that covers divorce. -[ Laughing ]
Listen, we were trying to figure out
how much music it would take you to get down the aisle.
Oh, believe me, you won't need much.
I'm going to get down there as fast as I can.
-Oh, good. -Jackie?
Oh, Jackie?
Andrew?
Surprised?
Sickened.
Ah, a normal reaction.
I guess the last person
you'd expect to see at your sister's wedding
is your ex-husband.
You know, daddy told me he invited you to the wedding.
I just couldn't imagine why.
Jackie, I'm concerned about you.
It's been over a year since our divorce was final.
Why aren't you seeing anyone?
There are hundreds of reasons.
You're still not over me.
That's not one of them.
Jackie, Jackie, you have to stop blaming yourself
for the failure of our marriage.
Why would I do that? It was your fault.
Oh, I know what you're doing.
Putting up a brave front so I won't feel guilty
for being so happy while your life is in a shambles.
My life is not in a shambles.
Yes, it is. And I'm overcome with guilt.
Oh, is there anything I can do?
Yes, there is.
Let me find you a man before it's too late.
I'm sure that I can find someone for you right here on the ship.
You really don't have to do that, Andrew.
Someone's got to fill the void that I've left you.
Spaghettios could fill that void.
We would like to remind the members
of the Ryan-springer wedding that a bachelor party
is now starting in the international lounge.
[ Applause, music playing ]
♪ Party ♪
♪ we got to celebrate ♪
[ Cheering ]
♪ Tonight ♪
♪♪
♪ tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen ♪
♪ make it happen ♪
♪ tonight we'll put all other things aside ♪
♪ we shouldn't even think about tomorrow ♪
♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ sweet memories will last a long, long time ♪
♪ I want to love you ♪
♪ feel you, wrap myself around you ♪
♪ I want to squeeze you, please you ♪
♪ I just can't get enough ♪
♪ and if you move real slow ♪
♪ I'll let it go ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ and I just can't hide it ♪
♪ I'm about to lose control ♪
♪ and I think I like it ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ and I just can't hide it ♪
Mr. Thurlow? Uh, New York.
Oh, uh, I'll take the call over there.
Mr. Ryan?
It's Ernie.
Tomorrow it's pop.
Or dad, or whatever's comfortable for you.
Look, uh, Ernie,
I -- I just wanna thank you for this incredible wedding.
Hey, what's money for?
Since it can't buy you happiness,
it can at least show you a good time.
What? The Chinese rejected our bid?
Well, why?
Why would they want to buy their phones from France?
Have you ever tried using a French phone?
♪♪
Mr. Ry-- uh, ern-- uh, dad, uh,
I just hope our marriage can be as good as yours.
Gwen and I found the secret early on -- separate bathrooms.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, uh, by the way,
I, uh, hope you don't mind that I didn't wrap your present.
Those are blank car keys.
When you pick out the car you want,
we will have 'em grooved to fit.
Thanks!
♪♪
[ Cheering ]
Hmm.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Are you a friend of the bride's or the groom's?
Well, I'm kinda partial to the female side,
if you know what I mean.
Huh, yeah.
Bet you do all right for yourself, huh?
Hey, take a tip from the master, always go to weddings.
It's a very fertile ground for the rogue male.
Easy pickin's, huh? -No kidding.
Yeah, I probably won't get a wink of sleep this trip.
[ Laughs ]
[ Imitates gunshot ]
That's for you, babe.
♪♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ I think you get to me ♪
♪ and I just can't hide it ♪
♪ I've got to give it up ♪
♪ I'm about to lose control ♪
♪ and I think I like it ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ look what you do to me ♪
♪ and I just can't hide it ♪
♪ you've got me burnin' up ♪
♪ and I know, I know ♪
♪ I know, I know ♪
♪ I like it ♪
[ Song ends, cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter, cheering continues ]
Mr. Ryan.
Kurt.
Hey, nice party, very nice...
Let's get to the bottom line.
Stay away from Jackie. -Oh, is she here?
I... -Don't play games with me.
I haven't liked you since you dated my daughter.
You and your biker friends were nothing but trouble.
I, mm, I don't see those guys anymore.
Nobody sees 'em anymore.
They're all in jail.
Mr. Ryan.
That was a long time ago.
I mean, that was back in high school.
I mean, people do change, you know.
That's right. I haven't.
If it weren't for the fact that my future son-in-law
made you his best man,
I'd have you thrown off this ship in a minute.
Well, I guess I got lucky, huh?
Just stay away from Jackie.
Her taste in men has changed.
Now she prefers a man who can keep a job.
[ Knocking ]
-Who is it? -It's daddy.
Daddy?
Hi.
Are you alone?
Of course I'm alone!
We have to have a talk.
I owe it to you as your father.
Oh, that's very sweet, daddy,
but I think you're talking to the wrong daughter.
You want the bride, not the divorcee.
No, I'm not talking to the wrong daughter.
Your sister doesn't need this talk.
Tomorrow she is marrying a good man
who will take care of her the rest of her life.
You had that chance, once.
Oh, daddy. Please don't start this again.
I'm not starting anything.
I just wanna give you a little piece of advice.
Don't take up with Kurt again.
Kurt is here because he's Matt's best friend.
Now, I didn't invite him.
And I have no intention of seeing him.
Are there any other orders for me?
I don't mean to be hard on you, sweetheart.
But I thought that you'd come to your senses
when you dumped Kurt and married Andrew.
But I wasn't happy being Mrs. Dr. Proctor.
How could you not be?
You had a nice house, gorgeous clothes...
A lousy sex life...
Oh, uh...
You know I hate that kinda talk.
Predictable. Every time he put on those silk pajamas,
i knew what we wanted.
All right. All right.
I'm leaving.
Glad we had this little talk, daddy.
That was some bachelor party.
Those mermaids are incredible!
-She could've been mine, doc. -Oh, which one?
Uh, Amy, Patty, Jane, uh, Suzie, Sheila, starlight?
-Lori. -Lori?
-Yeah. -Who's she?
What're we talkin' about? -Lori's the bride.
We used to go steady, until I foolishly broke it off.
You know, doc, you never realize how great a woman you had
till she decides to marry somebody else.
It's always a great relief to me.
It means I can stop paying alimony.
Why do you suppose I couldn't take the final step?
Maybe you just weren't ready.
Ready? That's my problem.
I'm never ready.
When they gave patton the order to march, did he say,
"I'm not ready"? No, he just did it
because he had the courage to do what had to be done.
I've got no guts.
That's why I'll always be single.
I've got no guts.
No guts, no Lori.
That man's been at sea too long.
-Where have you been? -With your father.
Oh, what did he say?
He told me to stay away from you.
Guess it's a little too late for that.
Yeah, well, I guess it's something we're going
to have to discuss in the morning, isn't it?
Kids today, they want the moon.
Well, why not? We got it.
Didn't we?
Why don't we go to bed?
We don't wanna look baggy-eyed for the photos tomorrow.
Uh, I -- I think I'd like to knock off another chapter
in my civil war book.
Ernie, honey, I just want you beside me.
We can hold each other and talk.
And that's as far as it needs to go.
I'm sorry, Gwen.
I guess, when I retired, everything did.
That's all right, honey.
There's more to making love than just having sex.
Well, maybe the light is better over there.
The doctor said that this kind of thing happens sometimes.
And when it passes, I'll still be right here.
I'll tell you one thing.
When I married you,
I got the moon, the stars, the whole kit and caboodle.
Good morning!
It's a beautiful day for a wedding.
Preceding this afternoon's ceremony,
there will be a cocktail party on the lido deck.
All ship's passengers are cordially invited.
[ Grunts ]
Ed -- ed -- ed --
ed, will you listen to me?
It's time to liquidate.
It's the only way we'll pay for those tractors
we lost in Central America.
So, um, let's start by unloading the television stations.
They're playing nothing but "Pete and Gladys" reruns,
anyway.
Ed, I know they're funny.
That's not the point.
Well, I don't know.
Look, somebody will buy them.
Call Marvin Davis.
Call Ted Turner.
They'll buy anything.
It's armageddon, ed.
Sell anything that isn't tied down.
Get it?
[ Huffs ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
I'm sorry,
Jackie'll have to continue this conversation later.
She has to circulate.
Come, come, dear. People are waiting.
Andrew, those people are old friends of the family.
Jackie, you don't need friends.
You need a man. Look around you.
There are women anxious to grab anything that's available.
You need a head start.
Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.
Now, you'll be pleased to know that I've made sure that you
won't be wasting your time on any losers.
Oh, goody! Do I get the cream of the crop?
Whoa, that's right.
These men are top-drawer.
Now, I've broken them down into two groups --
well-established professionals and those just starting out,
but with what I feel is a tremendous growth potential.
Should I meet them now, or wait till they go public?
Your sarcasm is not lost on me, Jackie.
I suppose I was foolish
to think that you'd appreciate my efforts on your behalf.
Oh, Andrew.
I'm sure you've done a swell job.
It's just that I'm not ready to start dating yet.
Oh, don't give me that.
I can read you like a cheap novel.
I know the real reason you don't wanna meet anyone.
-You do? -Mm-hmm.
You're self-conscious about those extra 5 pounds
that you're hauling around. -What?!
Don't worry. Nobody else but me would even notice.
Oh, I never could put anything over on you.
Oh, what do you say?
You ready to take the plunge?
What the heck? Let's give it a shot.
Oh, that's my gal.
Have fun with it!
Just go easy on the hors d'oeuvres, okay?
[ Scoffs ]
Ah, Mr. Thurlow.
Would you like a glass of champagne?
That's dom perignon.
Are you serving it to everybody? -Yes, sir.
Mr. Ryan said he wanted to go first-class.
Uh, well, how much do you have left?
Oh, a couple of cases.
Don't open any more.
Stretch out what you've got there with ginger ale.
Ginger ale?
Hey, fuzzy. Ha ha!
Did you get your watch yet?
-What watch? -One of these beauties.
Mr. Ryan's giving one to every guest.
But that's a rolex!
Yeah, big bucks, babe. [ Laughs ]
Anybody got the right time?
-One-thirty. -Ha!
-Okay. -I may not live till 2:00.
George, old buddy, uh, the hors d'oeuvres not sitting well?
Uh, uh, uh, yeah.
Something like that. Uh-huh.
Well, just stay away from the clams, darling.
Oh! Norma!
Well, here is something to make you feel better.
No! No, no, no, no, no! I --
I couldn't possibly accept that.
Sir, it is time that I told you the truth.
I've lost it all.
I gambled everything and came up snake eyes.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Come see me tomorrow.
We'll arrange for an advance.
Meanwhile, stay outta the casino.
I'm shark meat.
Sir, there appears to be a man adrift off the starboard side.
Attention, rescue crew.
Please report to the lido deck immediately.
-Oh! -[ Alarm wails ]
What's happening? Is the ship sinking?
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.
Hey, listen, we're not gonna stick with that
women and children first baloney, are we?
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Step aside, please.
Get back from the rail, please.
We spotted a man on an open boat.
We're picking him up.
Permission to come aboard, sir?
Permission granted.
-Ah! -Are you okay?
We were lucky to find you when we did.
Eh, it wasn't luck, captain.
It was skillful navigation.
And, besides, you didn't find me.
I found you. I planned to intercept this ship.
Why?
Well, I wanted to go to my grandson's wedding.
-What? -[ Murmuring ]
Grandpa?
Matthew!
There you are! Ha ha ha!
Look at you! Look at you!
You grew!
Matt, what is so important?
I have to finish getting ready.
So, this is the little girl that stole my grandson's heart?
Ha ha! -Matt, who is this man?
Lori, I'd like you to meet my grandfather, Eric springer.
Uh, I'm sorry I'm late.
But I was clear in the middle of the kalahari desert
when I got word of the wedding.
And I wore out three camels gettin' to the coast.
And I had to trade all my ganji root for a boat!
Grandpa, how could you be sure you'd intercept this ship?
Well, I wasn't sure.
But I figured I had a good shot at it.
Mr. Springer,
I am really looking forward to getting to know you.
But I have to finish getting ready.
I'm gonna be late for my own wedding.
The wedding...
But I -- I thought the wedding was tomorrow.
I -- I -- I must still be on zulu time.
Glad you could make it.
I was determined.
I, uh, I haven't made many of these events in your life.
You haven't made it to any.
Yeah, I know.
It -- it seems I was always on expedition or something.
I wanted to be grandpa.
But it just never worked out that way.
I did miss you growin' up.
But it had its advantages.
My shrunken head collection was the envy of the neighborhood.
That reminds me. I brought you something.
You remember that gun bearer of mine, bulu?
Oh, no. Grandpa, please.
He sent you this shark's tooth as a wedding present.
Think him for me, please.
Well, why don't you just think him yourself?
Got you!
[ Laughs ]
[ Wedding music playing ]
[ Wagner's bridal chorus playing ]
♪♪
Dear friends and family,
we are gathered for this joyous occasion of holy matrimony.
If there is anyone here who has reason
why this man and this woman
should not be joined together in the bonds of holy matrimony,
let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
I did have a few things to say about courage.
But I haven't got the guys to say 'em.
By the authority vested in me,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[ Mendelssohn's wedding march playing ]
Well, that about puts a lid on it. She's gone now.
Tsk.
[ Cheering ]
[ Music continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Our reception for the Ryan-springer wedding
is now being held in the international lounge.
[ Jazz music playing ]
[ Song ends, applause ]
This is not a pretty picture.
A healer of the sick drowning poor, defenseless baked goods.
Who cares?
Hey, what's got you so low, buddy?
-It's Jackie. -Ah, yeah.
Yeah, I heard you tried to fix her up.
I introduced her to several outstanding young men.
And do you know what she said?
"Hi, sailor. New in town?"
She said they were a bunch
of humorless stuffed shirts who reminded her of me.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
I wanna help her. Her life is so empty.
I should never have left her.
This is just a technicality, you understand,
but didn't she leave you?
Semantics.
Andrew, old buddy, I just might have an idea
that can get you out of this mess.
Yeah, you see, what you gotta do is you've gotta
introduce Jackie to someone who's not at all like you.
I mean, someone who's shiftless, worthless.
I mean, a real bum who has no future at all.
Ooh! Ugh!
I don't understand. What purpose would that serve?
Don't you get it?
You set her up with a real low-life
and before you know it, she'll be beggin' for a second chance
with one of your boys.
Ah!
Show her the seamier side of life, so to speak.
Yeah, exactly. Now you're thinkin'.
-Ah! -But the seamier, the better.
Ah, ooh, makes sense.
To Jackie's future.
It looks like the kids are all grown up
and starting out on their own.
A day of mixed emotions for fathers the world over.
Grandfathers too, for that matter.
Seems like only yesterday, Lori started walking.
She was 10 months old,
and I had just opened a small appliance store.
I was out in patagonia when Matt took his first step.
Couldn't get out of there because of a dust storm.
It lasted 30 days.
Hmm.
I remember her first day of school.
She was so excited.
And that was the year I got my first patent.
I was climbin' annapurna about then.
I remember, I got back to base camp
and a sherpa guide handed me Matt's first report card.
Had to defrost it before I could read it.
And her graduation,
that was the year of my first public stock offering.
My little girl was all grown up.
I was out in Borneo dodgin' headhunters
and wishing that I'd gone to Matt's graduation.
Memories.
[ Chuckles ]
What would we do without 'em?
♪♪
I can teach you some new steps in the dance of love.
I can kill you with my bare hands.
I can respect that.
Psst.
Listen, uh, why don't we go down to your cabin
and have our own bon voyage party?
Is this a joke?
I -- wh...
Don't you know who I am?
The girl of my dreams.
I'm the bride.
The bride?
The bride.
Hey, well, don't let that worry you.
Gee, a lotta people are wearin' white these days.
Come on, relax, it's your last chance for a little fun.
I think I have to talk to Matt about his taste in friends.
Hiya, dreamboat.
Okay! I forgot.
We've met.
Well, Lori's off on her new life.
I'm still on the dating treadmill.
Welcome to the club.
Women -- women just use me and discard me.
In my case, they use me, marry me and then discard me.
Ah, it's my fault, really.
I've gotta start demanding more from my relationships.
Right now women just see me as a sex object.
Ace, there's hope.
There's bound to be one woman out there who wouldn't treat you
as a sex object.
You just have to go out and find her.
-You really think so? -I'm sure of it.
And while you're looking,
think of all those wonderful, meaningless relationships
you can have.
Hey. What a party, huh, George?
Yep, I just realized, George,
now that I've married off my youngest daughter
I am truly a man of leisure.
Glad you could come. Oh, there you are, George.
Sit down, darling.
Come join the party.
You haven't danced with the bride once.
Uh, it -- it just wouldn't be right, aunt Gwen.
Oh, come now.
It's true. Cousins can't marry.
But they can dance all they want to.
Maybe later.
Well, all right. Ooh.
That looks delicious.
I think I'll have one.
Waiter!
Oh, waiter!
After 30 years,
I'm more convinced than ever that I made the right choice.
Sir?
I just want you to know that I accept full responsibility
for everything that's happened here.
Well, we should give Gwen some credit.
She spent a lot of time with the caterers.
I'm not talking about the wedding, sir.
It's Ryan industries.
[ Whispers ] You're bankrupt.
-Pardon me? -You're bankrupt.
You're broke. No money, we're through.
This isn't one of those great big practical jokes, is it?
No, sir. You know I have no sense of humor.
All those years of work, and I'm broke?
Shh!
I lost you $300 million.
I -- I -- I -- I -- I should -- I should get out of business
and get into government.
Sir, I would -- I would not blame you
if you had me trotted out there and shot.
George. George, you're family.
Of course, I will consider all options.
Well, after extensive research,
I have discovered only two real losers on the ship.
Someone named eldon Lundy and you.
Come on. I'll introduce you to Jackie.
Jackie, I would like you to meet a friend of mine.
This is Kurt Duncan.
Kurt, this is Jackie Ryan.
Kurt here is your basic, uh,
dropout, late-blooming underachiever type.
Nice to meet you.
So, what do you do?
Ah, well, actually, I'm pretty much of a deadbeat.
Fascinating.
Uh, why don't we go someplace private so we can
get to know each other?
Okay.
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
You run a tight ship, captain.
Well, coming from a sailor like you,
that's quite a compliment, Mr. Springer.
Uh, Eric. Eric. Unless you prefer to call me
what they called me down in the marianas. Gumbala!
Gumbala? What does it mean?
-"Goat face." -[ Laughs ]
Now don't laugh. It's quite an honor.
Those natives are very proud of their goats.
Well, Eric, I really admire your exploits.
Sailing around the cape of good hope in a dinghy,
through the straits of Magellan in a kayak.
I mean, that's magnificent.
Now, I'm sure an old salt like you has had experiences
that were just as exciting.
Uh, running this ship is a full-time commitment.
It does get a little hairy now and then.
But, captain,
don't you long for the challenge of the open sea?
I mean, wouldn't you like to take ol' father Neptune
and just wrestle him to a standstill and win?
Well, I've always wanted to sail in the Catalina
to long beach race.
Alone, of course.
Well, then do it.
Just do it.
There's a whole world out there just waiting to be conquered.
Do it, man.
Thanks...gumbala.
[ Cheering ]
Okay, here we go, big smile on three!
Three! [ Laughs ]
I am a person, not a sex object. Okay?
Okay. Ha!
Yeah, I love it when they play hard to get like that.
Ooh, that's a terrific gimmick for pickin' up women.
-What's that? -Camera. Uh-huh.
This is not a gimmick. I am the ship's photographer.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Huh? [ Laughs ]
Listen, how come you let that,
uh, cutie slip through your fingers like that?
You got somethin' better goin' for yourself?
Huh? [ Laughs ]
Wait a minute.
Don't tell me. I saw the way
you were lookin' at her. Yeah.
You scored with the bride, didn't you? [ Laughs ]
You know, I took a shot at her myself this afternoon.
I came that close.
-You propositioned the bride? -Yeah, I sure did.
You know, I like to go for that gusto, babe.
Hey, can I talk to you privately?
-Yeah. -Yeah, sure. Come on.
Yeah, an awkward guy like yourself
is gonna have trouble with women.
[ Punch lands, thud ]
More wine?
-I wanna go back to the party. -Wait, whoa!
No, no, no, no. Jackie, come here, now.
You've had a little too much to drink.
I think you oughta go back to your cabin
and lie down for a while.
Will you stay with me?
Yes.
Oh, you're so good to me.
Mm. Mm!
[ Bell dings ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh...
What the hell is going on here?
-They're kissing. -I can see that.
I want an explanation, right now.
All right, daddy.
♪ My secret love's ♪
♪ no secret anymore ♪
What was that?
Um, I think it's called "secret love."
Doris day sang it in "calamity Jane," remember?
Very good, mother.
I knew there would be trouble
if you two got anywhere near each other.
I should've thrown you off this boat yesterday.
Well, it wouldn't have made any difference.
By that, sir, I --
what I mean is,
Jackie and I are married.
I'll kill you!
Oh, now calm down, Ernie.
Just look at them. They love each other.
Can't you see that? They always have.
Why are you on their side?
There are no sides, darling.
They belong together.
You knew all about this, didn't you?
Yes.
We were just waiting for the right moment to tell you.
Here's a hot tip -- there never would've been a right moment.
Oh --
Ernie...
♪♪
Ernie, I didn't tell you about Kurt and Jackie
because I had hoped that this trip
would give you a chance to get to know him better.
I know him fine.
He's still the same bum who didn't even finish high school.
Oh, well, so what?
Neither did you, and look how your life has turned out.
Oh! Yeah, look at it.
I busted my chops for 35 years.
You know what I've got to show for it?
-Nothing. -Oh, what are you talking about?
Ryan industries is bankrupt.
You mean we're broke?
Flat, penniless...
When this ship docks, we'll have to take the bus home.
Oh, dear.
I guess this means I'll have to do housework again.
I wonder where consuelo keeps the vacuum.
Honey, I turned down the bed.
I'll be out in a minute!
[ Knock on door ]
-Matt, we have to talk. -Uh, now?
We never had that father and son talk
that all fathers and sons have.
But -- but you're my grandfather.
It's all the same.
It's the same talk, at least. -It's all right, grandpa.
I had a very good biology teacher in high school.
Well, out in the gobi desert,
fathers and sons go off and talk for weeks.
Look, it's late.
It's my wedding night.
Can't this wait till another time?
Well, maybe the talk can.
But this can't.
Uh, honey, I think grandpa brought us a wedding gift.
First, you have to wear this.
-When? -Where?
Here. Now. It's a fertility chain.
Uh, grandpa, we really appreciate the thought.
It's just that -- -Matthew, now, in my own way,
I'm trying to bless this union.
Let me do this.
Of course.
We'd like that, grandpa.
Thank you.
[ Shouting in foreign language ]
[ Chanting ]
Penny for your thoughts.
I'll take it. We could use the money.
You know, I was thinking about when we were first married.
We'd sunk $500 into that rubber stamp business.
When that went under,
the feeling I had then is the feeling I have now.
Five hundred dollars.
We spent more than that this weekend on wedding napkins.
Whether you lose $500 or $300 million,
you're still back at square one.
We had $300 million?
Oh, Gwen, please.
The point is, I've lost it all before,
and I've bounced back.
I have gone from chapter 11 to fortune 500.
I'm the Lazarus of businessmen. -Oh, Ernie.
Honey, I know you can do it again.
It's just a shame
that you're gonna have to give up your retirement.
Ah, Gwen, I'm bored silly.
I've read. I've whittled.
I've gardened.
The biggest decision I've faced in the last 3 months
was when to fertilize.
It's funny how you always talked about getting away
from the pressures of business.
Yeah, but I got away from the fun and the excitement too.
Oh, what I would give for a good labor dispute.
You're not going to growl, are you?
I might.
I am back in the game, Gwen.
We'll find a new idea and then start clean.
Ernie, there's a fire in your eyes.
That's because the boiler's working.
Eh, there's another feeling that I've had before.
Right before the girls were born.
Oh, Ernie!
♪♪
[ Ship horn blows ]
You know, I'm really sorry the way things turned out.
Oh, look at the bright side.
Even if daddy disinherits me, I haven't lost anything.
The Ryan family's flat broke.
And I thought we'd never have anything in common.
-Hmm. -Kurt!
Now, look, Mr. Ryan,
there is no use in trying to keep us apart anymore.
I love Jackie. She loves me.
And that's all there is to it.
Nothing you do or say can change the way we feel.
Is it my turn to talk?
First of all, I don't want you to change the way
you feel about each other.
Take it from me, love goes a long way
in getting you through the tough times.
Daddy, what are you saying?
What I'm saying is, for what it's worth,
I want you to know you have my blessing.
Well, it's worth a great deal.
Oh, thank you, daddy.
And I want you to know I'm gonna throw you a great big party.
As soon as I figure out how to pay for this wedding.
Take care of her, you hear?
You've got my word, sir.
Andrew.
Excuse me.
What just happened here?
Andrew, listen.
Don't worry about it. Just leave everything to me.
You see, Jackie is bound to come to her senses any day now.
And when she does,
you better have that list of eligible men available.
[ Both laugh ]
-Oh, I love you. -I love you.
We hope you enjoyed your cruise.
We would like to wish the newlyweds a happy life.
♪♪
[ Ship horn blows ]
Hey, cutie.
I know a terrific place where we can get a fabulous,
candlelit dinner for a very reasonable price.
Oh? Where?
My place. Ha ha.
You interested?
Only if it's for sale.
Okay.
Maybe I'm not comin' on strong enough.
Yeah, that's it.
There you are. I've been lookin' for you.
I have another wedding present for you two.
Uh, more dancing?
No, no, no.
Two airline tickets to Africa. -[ Gasps ]
I thought you might like to join me in Nairobi
and see how I live.
-Oh, we'd love to. -Good.
Now, remember, where I am, clothing's optional.
Take care of each other. I love you.
Well, the wind's fair.
And I gotta be off on the tide.
Love you both.
Oh, thank you both so much for everything.
The wedding went off without a hitch.
Well, I was a little worried when the singer got the hiccups.
But he covered beautifully. -[ Chuckling ]
Any more takers for the African trip?
You know, it's more the merrier
out there in the bush. What do you say, Gwen?
No, oh, Gwen and I are starting a new project.
But George here could use a little r & r.
What do you say, George?
Well, actually, I was thinking more like palm Springs.
Oh, come on, George.
You could use a change of scenery,
help mend that ulcer of yours.
Well, that settles it, then. Come on, George.
Now, about that ulcer, I've got a witch doctor friend
out in Malagasy that can cure it in 2 days.
Of course, you gotta bring your own viper.
Viper?
[ Laughs ]
Thanks again, captain.
You keep this tub afloat and we'll be back soon.
-It'll be our pleasure. -Thank you.
-Bye-bye. -Thanks for sailing with us.
-Oh, dad... -Hmm?
What's this?
Oh, it's just a gift from Eric.
Oh, you know, he told me about that.
The basotho tribesmen believe it restores hair.
Oh, really?
You knew that.
Well, no. No, I didn't.
I just thought it was a cute little thing.
Oh, really?
♪♪