[Theme - dionne Warwick, "the love boat theme"]
Theme song: Love.
Love exciting and new.
Come aboard.
We're expecting you.
And love-- love is life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow.
It floats back to you.
The love boat.
Soon we'll be making another run.
The love boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.
And love-- love won't hurt anymore.
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
The love boat.
Soon we'll be making another run.
Welcome aboard.
It's love.
Welcome aboard.
It's love.
Hello, wrestling fans.
I'm Eddie dumont here aboard the pacific Princess
to cover the much touted grudge match between Thomas "the
mangler" sharkey and the notorious lover boy Bob,
and who better to give us the color commentary than the one,
the only hulk hogan?
Any chance of getting you in the ring tomorrow, hulk?
I wouldn't step in the ring with those two dudes, man.
I'm the world wrestling federation heavyweight champion
of the world, and I only climb in the ring
with top contenders.
Well, you've heard it here from the hulk himself, ladies--
wait a minute.
Let me get one thing straight right from the start.
On this ship, I'm the only professional wrestler on board,
and I don't know who these two skinny little wimps
are running around, but they're definitely not wrestlers.
And they better not get in my way,
because I'm here to stay, not to play,
and I'm looking for a real good time around here.
Thank you for that color commentary, hulk.
I can't believe the cruise line would
sponsor a wrestling match.
I mean, this stuff is so ridiculous.
Are you kidding?
Haven't you ever seen a match?
Me at a wrestling match?
Vicki, please, think about it.
Oh, come on.
Let me tell you, I saw hulk hogan
get beaten with a folding chair and still come back to win.
You can't beat that kind of action.
Eddie dumont: Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, lover boy Bob.
Bob, please a word for the fans.
I've been waiting for this match
ever since the mangler put my partner in a hospital
with an illegal move.
Hey, what's wrong with an illegal move?
You know, you gotta take the good with the bad in this job,
Sonny.
A kick to the head, a short chop to the teeth--
that's ok, just as long as they do it to you first.
It's payback time, and i'm gonna mangle the mangler.
You heard it here, ladies and gentlemen.
This could be the match of the century--
not counting any of your matches, hulk, sir.
Ah, there he is-- the mangler.
What are your thoughts on the match, mangler?
I don't know what lover boy's been telling you,
but my fans know, and you know, Eddie, I'm here
to fight a clean fight, and rip off this guy's head,
and stuff it down his neck.
Yeah! Come here!
Let's [inaudible].
Easy, moderators.
And we'll be here to cover all the action on awn,
the all wrestling network.
Oh, darn.
Did I miss the debates?
That colorful exchange of philosophies and ideas?
Will you give me a break, sis?
We're advertising the match.
Ok, Mr. Kants, that's cabin 343, aloha deck.
So my cousin finally got to be a big shot?
Oh, Gretchen.
Hi.
It's about time you broke down and went on a cruise.
This is gonna be one of the best.
Oh, excellent weather?
Excellent men.
Judy, I love you, but if you insist on upholding the family
tradition of finding a man for poor Gretchen,
I'm getting off this boat right now.
Ok, ok.
It's my job to set out the buffet.
You decide what to sample.
I mean it, Judy.
I can still take you.
- Welcome aboard. - Hi, welcome aboard.
Believe me, sir.
This is a dynamite idea.
Hello, welcome aboard.
Hi, welcome aboard. Sir, come on.
This is a great idea.
How can you say no before you've even heard.
All right, gopher.
Let's have it.
Ok, all right, starting this cruise,
we offer our passengers an exciting new adventure--
mystery port.
Mystery port?
As a special bonus, we make a stop at a port that is
not on our regular itinerary.
Forget it, gopher.
Oh, sir, come on.
I'm just trying to liven things up around here.
I mean, aren't you tired of doing the same old thing
the same old way?
Old?
Well, I don't mean you personally, sir.
I mean, well, after all, there may be snow on the mountain,
but there's fire down below.
You're right.
A lot of that snow has melted now, especially up here
above the timber line.
Gopher, go to your hole.
Ok.
Too [inaudible].
Too old.
Too married.
Judy, I don't get it.
Your cousin Gretchen is a very attractive woman.
Why are you so worried that she can't find a man on her own?
Because she is so picky, ace.
All of her life she's been looking
for a guy who's a cross between Tom
Selleck and Henry kissinger.
A hunk who can go on "nightline," huh?
Any candidates?
No, but I'm not gonna give up.
Hey, Isaac.
Hey, doc.
Uh, I'd like a club soda, please.
Nathan, what would you like?
I'll have the same thing.
Thanks.
Ok.
Hi.
Enjoying the cruise, mister, uh--
Paul-- Nathan Paul.
Yes, I'm having a wonderful time.
Thank you.
Uh, Judy's our cruise director.
She'll see to it that you have the time of your life.
You bet I will.
So, Mr. Paul, uh, what is it you do for a living?
I'm an author.
Have I read any of your books?
Not if you've gone through puberty.
I write children's books.
Oh.
But if you can't sleep tonight, give me a call.
I'll tell you a bedtime story.
Well, there is one thing I know about writers--
they never get enough sun.
So here we are, prime sunny location.
Gretchen.
Gretchen, honey.
What a surprise.
Um, Gretchen, this is Nathan Paul.
Nathan Paul, my cousin, Gretchen summers.
Hello.
Nathan is a writer.
Gretchen's a stockbroker.
Fluent in three languages.
Loves to ski.
I'd like to stay and play the dating game,
but I've got to run.
Nice to have met you, Nathan.
Mind if I sit here.
No.
I mean, if you think it's a good idea.
Well, it's hard getting a tan standing up.
Just kind of ironic with all the, uh,
women around here you decide to sit next to me.
Well, it just looked like a good place to sit.
You don't know who I am, do you?
No, but I'm Bob.
I'm Linda.
There we go.
You're Linda, and I'm Bob.
"How to talk to anyone"--
that's what you're reading?
Yeah, um, I thought it might help me out.
Kind of shy.
You're kidding.
No.
In fact, I'm running out of things to say.
Think you can give me a hand?
Sure.
Woman: Lift the right twice, and then the left.
Then the right.
Woman: Starlight, keep your knees together.
It's a real '20s look.
I will never be able to do this new step for my solo.
You have time, starlight.
Just keep at it.
If you couldn't do it, would they fire you?
I mean, how would they do that at sea?
They make you swim home.
Boy, they're strict.
So with the right [Inaudible] left.
You're getting sleepy.
You feel your entire body relaxing into a deep sleep.
Ever more relaxed, ever more sleepy, your mind is vacant.
I don't, man.
It seems all the captain wants to do around
here is run things by the book.
I'll tell you this, if I were the captain,
I'd know how to jazz things up.
Yeah, right.
Say, who is that guy, anyway?
Oh, that guy is the amazing Zimmerman.
Judy hired him for the cruise.
Well, what is he doing, rehearsing
or trying to get a date?
You know, it hurts me that you are
not interested in listening to your best friends spill
his guts.
I'm sorry.
Listen, as far as the captain is concerned, if I were you,
I would cool it with the bright ideas for a while.
He still chokes when anyone mentions the idea
you had about the kitty casino.
[Phone ringing]
Excuse me.
Lido bar.
You're getting more and more sleepy.
You are drifting to a level of consciousness
where no man has ever gone before.
Your mind is a magic slate, an empty blackboard
devoid of thought, purpose.
I am in control.
And now, if you're completely relaxed, twitch your nose.
And now you will do the very next thing you're told to do.
If you understand this, give the amazing Zimmerman a nod.
I've bad news, amazing.
What?
I'm not hypnotized.
Really?
How about dinner?
All right, where were we?
Oh, yes.
You were spilling your guts.
You know, I'd like to see you try and be the captain.
Excuse me, sailor.
I've got a ship to run.
You know me, Eddie.
I train hard, and I take good care of myself.
And if lover boy thinks he's gonna try his grip of death
on me, this is what I'm gonna to do to him.
Oh, Nelly.
Did you see that, fans?
Don't miss the action--
the mangler versus lover boy on awn, the all wrestling network.
Ok, that was good.
Beautiful.
Thanks, champ.
Hey, mangler.
How's it going?
Hi, guys.
How you doing, sis?
Ok, guess who I just spent time with?
Lover boy Bob.
Stay away from that jerk.
- Will you take it easy? - No.
No sister of mine's gonna hang around
with an animal like that.
He happens to be a very sweet man.
Did you know that he's actually very shy?
We had a really nice talk.
I mean, he doesn't even know I'm your sister.
I mean it.
Stay away from him.
I don't want you to we one of lover boy's bimbos.
I'm a big girl now, and I can take care of myself, thank you.
You have good taste.
Oh, you've got it?
Twice.
It must be good.
Trust me.
I'm sorry, goph.
[Inaudible] That, sailor.
What?
What you mean to say is I'm sorry, sir!
Right.
I'm sorry, sir.
Whoa.
I'm going to have to put that young man on report.
Why do I have all these keys?
Because I'm the captain.
Captains need keys.
Doc, I've been looking all over for you.
Gopher is acting strange.
Yeah, what else is new?
Doc!
Let the games begin.
Good evening.
You're right.
He is stranger than usual.
Good evening.
On behalf of the captain, me, I want to wish you bon appetit.
You know what that means?
It's French for good appetite.
I speak French because I'm the captain.
I met the captain when we came aboard.
That's not him.
Maybe he's the, uh, night captain.
Evening.
Good evening.
Gopher.
Evening.
What are you doing?
You will address me as captain or sir, mister,
or you will not address me at all.
All right, gopher, you've had your little joke.
Stop pretending to be the captain.
This is gross insubordination.
I want your commission.
You can our commissions later, but right now
you're wanted on the bridge.
Oh, well, the bridge-- that's different.
Leaving so soon, gentlemen.
We just thought we'd take a little stroll around deck
before dinner.
I'm sorry, Linda.
This'll just take a minute.
Hey, dog face, have some consideration and leave.
I mean, people are trying to eat here.
You can close the big mouth.
I want to talk to my sister.
Sister?
You're the mangler's sister?
I was gonna mention that later.
I told you I don't want you anywhere near this guy.
And I told you I will see whoever I want.
Look, Linda, I've always looked after you.
Guys like this are bad news.
Hey, you want to say that to my face?
Bob, this is between my brother and me.
He doesn't seem to think I can have a life of my own.
Hey, listen, if i'm just here to prove
your independence to your brother,
well, you can find someone else.
All right, I want some answers, and I want them now.
What was the rush to have me examined?
Well, you due for you--
sir, you were due for your annual physical today,
and I couldn't rest knowing I let the day
go by without doing my job.
So how am I?
Nutty ass--
sound as a dollar.
Good.
In that case, I'll put on my jacket
and be about my business.
Doc, what's wrong with him?
Beats me.
Maybe gopher's had--
gopher's had a nervous breakdown.
In any case, i'd better tell the captain.
Well, you can't.
If the c-- captain finds out about this--
he's already on gopher's case--
it'll be the last straw.
Now, that may be, but I can't let him roam around like this.
I'll give him a mild sedative.
Good.
Maybe when he wakes up in the morning,
he'll be his old self again.
I don't know.
Maybe we should aim higher.
Well, looks like we've been seated at the same table.
What a nice surprise.
It's very nice, but hardly a surprise.
I'm sure this is Judy's doing.
Look, Nathan, I think you deserve an explanation.
Judy's my cousin, and apparently she's devoting every waking
hour to finding a man for me.
Well, you don't seem the type that would need any help.
I'm not, but everyone in my family
is concerned that, if I don't settle down soon,
all the good men will be gone.
I'll be stuck with a rebounder.
I know what you mean.
My family is worried that, if I don't get married,
I'm not gonna eat right.
Sometimes I wish I could cross my fingers, and wiggle one ear,
and make whoever I choose disappear.
That's from my book, "the runaway frog."
You read it?
I couldn't put it down.
But that-- that's a children's book.
Well, I read it in the privacy of my own cabin.
I'm really touched.
So what do you think?
Nathan, it's a children's book.
I'm not an expert in the field.
Sure you are.
You were a kid once, weren't you?
Go on, be brutal.
All right.
Well, ok, it's better than "the poky little
puppy," but not quite on a par with "the little engine
that could."
I, um--
I wanted to apologize for what happened at dinner tonight.
You were right.
I, uh, was using you.
Oh, i-- I feel better.
Before I just thought I was a fool.
Now I know it.
No, you're not.
Bob, I really like you, and that's why I didn't tell you
who I was when we first met, because I
didn't want to spoil things.
Didn't think the family would approve.
Will you forget about my brother?
I wanted to see you again because, well,
you're not at all the way you appear to be on TV.
I like you a lot.
You mean that?
Yeah.
Why else would I come crawling back here
and ask you to go dancing?
I got it.
You're trying to tire me out before the big match.
We'll only dance the slow ones.
6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
That's right.
You got it.
Good.
I can do it with my fingers.
Now if I could only do it with my feet.
Oh, you'll do it.
I still feel badly about walking out on the hypnotist,
but I swear the only reason the subject fell asleep
was because she got tired of watching his act.
I really enjoyed this evening.
So have I.
Well, I guess I ought to thank Judy for doing a good job.
Well, the, uh, $10 I slipped her to put me to the top
of the list ought to help.
Would you like to dance?
Ok.
Maybe when I do--
uh, excuse me.
I just checked the infirmary.
Gopher's gone.
Well, maybe he woke up, remembered who he
is, and went back to his cabin.
Gopher (on intercom): Attention all passengers.
Attention all passenger.
Tomorrow after the wrestling match,
we'll be stopping at our mystery port.
Here's a clue.
This port's government is about to be overthrown.
The smoking lamp is now lit.
I think we'd better find him.
Excuse me.
Excuse us.
Lover boy Bob: Look at this spread.
There you go. What do you want?
I wonder what I want.
I want a kiwi.
All right.
Here you go.
One kiwi.
You know I used to wear a hood in the ring?
Yeah?
Yeah, but I passed out one night
because I couldn't breathe.
I mean, it was so embarrassing.
[Inaudible]
Great.
He must have radar.
I'll handle this.
I want to talk to you.
Listen, Thomas.
Your sister's with me because she wants
to be with me, so butt out.
Well, my fight's not with my sister anymore.
It's with you.
When we step in that ring this afternoon,
I'm gonna end your career permanently.
Come on, Jimmy.
Let's get this on tape.
Shut up, Eddie.
You wouldn't talk to me like that if the hulkster was here.
Is this a blood feud?
Are you two in love?
I don't understand.
You usually get these step right away.
But it's the Charleston.
It's a '20s number, and I have an '80s body.
You'll be fine.
We'll work with you.
We're your friends, and we care about you.
Morning, Gretchen.
Hi.
Well, you and Nathan seemed to be
enjoying yourselves last night.
Last night was wonderful.
Nathan's everything I've ever looked for in a man.
Then everything's working out, right?
Well, unfortunately it's a day late and a dollar short.
Why?
You see, two months ago I turned 30.
It's one of those milestone birthdays
where you kind of take stock of yourself,
and it was depressing.
Why, because you're all alone?
Mm-hm.
I always expected to have a career
and still be able to have a husband and children,
but the right guy never came along.
And then I realized that, if I waited until I was 35
to have my first child, I'd be 53 before she
graduated from high school.
And then by the time my kid finished
college and med school, i'd be old enough for medicare.
Well, Gretchen, what are you gonna do about it?
I've already done it.
I'm six weeks pregnant.
Oh my god.
Um, maybe we should go someplace where you
can lie down, and I'll explain.
Well, did you find him?
I looked everywhere.
I even checked his make out nest in the boiler room-- nothing.
Well, I'd better tell the captain.
Uh, doc, please, hold off.
I know I can find it.
Well--
thanks.
Adam, gopher has gone too far this time.
What's he done now?
That announcement he made last night.
I don't like members of my crew making
what they consider jokes over the ship's
public address system.
Uh, captain?
Yes?
Would you please explain this?
What is it?
It's a loyalty oath.
The entire crew got one.
Well, I didn't send any of these out.
Well, your signature's on it.
That's not my signature.
I always put a little happy face inside my b.
Oh, yeah.
I want a meeting in my office right
after the wrestling match.
Well, he's ticked off now.
Mm.
Gopher (on intercom): Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain.
I'd like to remind you that the wrestling
match is about to begin.
No one will be seated after the first round,
except me, because I'm the captain.
Eddie dumont: Fans, we've had the introductions.
We are seconds away from a match that's shaping
up to be a real blood feud.
Hulk, could you give us an in depth analysis
of these two fine competitors.
Yeah, this macho man, lover boy, is so skinny
he makes boy George look like Superman.
And as far as the mangler goes, he's just
plain scared of his own shadow.
Eddie dumont: Thank you, hulk.
Ok, fans, it looks like it's almost time for the bell.
Tommy, please.
Bob is actually a very nice guy.
Yeah, well, excuse me, but I got to go
rip your boyfriend apart now.
Eddie dumont: All right, wrestling fans,
we are seconds away from the match of the century.
A few [inaudible] from the mangler.
Going to take more than cape work to win this bout, mangler.
All right, they're stepping into the ring.
The fans are on the edge of their seat.
[Ding] There's the bell.
They're circling around looking for that ever
important first advantage.
Lot of aggression here on the face.
A lot of aggression.
And they're locking up.
They're locking up, fans.
Neither one has the advantage.
They're looking.
They're looking, and the mangler is going for a head lock.
He used the hair to get a head lock.
Illegal use of hair!
We're talking hair here, ref!
We're talking illegal hair!
And now mangler is slamming lover boy to the canvas.
Hey, ref, wake up!
Boy, you ever work with this ref before, hulk?
Are you kidding?
I wouldn't work with anybody in there.
Eddie dumont: All right, the mangler is working his eyes,
and now the mangler is on the rope, and it's leap frog.
Whoa, Nelly!
It could've been Sunday!
Come on, lover boy!
Give him the grip of death!
Come on, mangler!
Rip his lips off!
Come on!
Kill him!
Eddie dumont: And now they're locking up, locking up.
And the mangler has him by the leg.
He's got him by the leg, and it's a step over toe hold.
The mangler is mangling lover boy's foot.
He just-- oh, face is kicked!
Illegal kick, ref!
Illegal kick!
Tommy!
Tommy, let him go!
Eddie dumont: He's still toasting those toes.
Oh, he won't fit into that shoe again.
Not gonna fit into that shoe, is he, hulk?
Still torturing those tootsies.
And there's the tip off!
And lover boy is-- a kick up by lover boy!
And they're circling around, looking for that advantage.
Looking and locking up again, fans.
Locking up again.
And-- oh, mangler grabs the hair,
and mangler has him in a vicious head lock working the eyes.
On the rope, and dipsy doodle.
Here comes big splash!
Just misses!
Mangler rolls away, but he is tired, fans.
He is tired.
They're looking.
And big splash misses!
Little puddle.
These boys are tired.
Is it gonna be a draw?
It's gut instinct alone now fans.
They're up, and it's bear hug.
Bear hug.
Who has the advantage?
It's hard to tell, wrestling fans,
as these tired warriors fall to their knees.
Oh, a last grip!
Hulk, this certainly isn't the match we anticipated.
Yeah, these guys are a lot worse than I thought they were.
They don't even deserve to call themselves wrestlers!
Wait just a gosh darn minute, fans.
The hulkster is going into the ring and is going to do damage!
This is totally unexpected.
What are you doing?
This is our fight.
You're an insult to my profession.
My integrity's at stake here.
[Inaudible]
Eddie dumont: [Inaudible] He's killing lover boy!
He's got him by the throat!
And oh my god, there goes lover boy into the fans!
And here's the mangler.
Women and children are running for their lives.
Fans, in all my years in wrestling,
I have never seen anything like this.
Hulk hogan has single handedly ended this match.
I predict there will be an investigation and a rematch.
Stay tuned to awn for future updates.
I know gopher is behind all those memos, loyalty
oaths, strange announcements.
It appears gopher is suffering from a delusion.
He thinks he's you.
He thinks he's me.
No, him, the captain.
Me, why?
Well, it all started on the lido deck.
Gopher was telling me about the dressing down
that you gave him, and everyone else
was watching the amazing Zimmerman
trying to hypnotize Jane.
You don't think that--
I think gopher's been hypnotized
into believing he's me.
Oh, you can't be serious.
Zimmerman is a terrible hypnotist.
Well, even a bad hypnotist is successful sometimes.
You've got to find him and get gopher out of this.
Well, sir, that's going to be a little difficult.
You see, the passengers hated his act
so much that I had to fire him.
The last time I saw him he was wandering
around the ship depressed.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Well, the post hypnotic suggestion
has got to wear off in time.
All right, you look for Zimmerman.
You look for gopher.
Right.
At least he didn't do any real harm.
Right.
Ace: Something wrong, sir?
Yes.
The coast is supposed to be on the port side.
I want you to search this ship and find gopher on the double.
All: Yes, sir.
Hello, bridge.
This is the captain--
the real captain, and I don't have a happy face.
Judy (on intercom): We hope you enjoy
your afternoon in acapulco.
The ship sails at midnight.
Oh, and if anyone sees the amazing Zimmerman,
please tell him to report to the captain's office immediately.
Gretchen, I gotta level with you.
I got lousy feet.
No kidding.
After all the dancing we did last night
and all the walking around today,
I'm gonna be laid up for at least a week.
I just told you my deepest, darkest secret.
It's your turn.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, Gretchen.
You obviously have something on your mind.
I'd just like to know what it is.
I just don't know how to tell you.
Why don't you make easy on yourself?
Just kind of talk to me.
All right.
I'm pregnant.
You're joking with me, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
Oh, come on, Gretchen.
I studied biology.
Nothing we did last night could've caused that.
It's not you.
It's not anyone.
This doesn't have anything to do with spaceships, does it?
No, I'm serious.
I was-- well, um, the cold clinical term
is artificially inseminated.
Why?
Because I wanted to have a baby, and there wasn't any one
around I wanted to have it with.
You find that strange?
I never really gave it much thought before.
Probably because I never actually wanted children
myself under any circumstances.
Well, that certainly changes things, doesn't it?
I won't waste anymore of your time.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
Has, uh, anybody seen gopher?
He was here five minutes ago.
Isaac-- and if he's going to be captain, I'm quitting.
Uh, excuse me?
Uh, uh, lover boy?
Uh, listen, I have to admit I used
to think this pro wrestling stuff was pretty silly,
but I have to hand it to you.
I mean, you guys really earn your money.
- Oh! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Gopher!
[Inaudible]
Oh, you were wonderful.
Just relax here for a while.
Trust me, you'll feel so much better.
I feel like I've ridden coast to coast under a truck.
No, uh-uh.
I'm not staying in here with you.
Oh, yes you are.
I'm not letting you two out until you can talk
to each other like grown ups.
Hey, you want to replay the match right now.
Hey, guys.
Listen, can't you reason together?
Violence never settled anything.
We could warm up to you.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm just an innocent bystander.
Ah!
Could you let me out?
You better start talking.
I'm staying right here, and I'm not letting
you out until you shake hands.
Oh.
Oh, I'd like to punch you if I could lift my arm.
Gopher, you in there?
Safety check.
Could save your life.
A-ha!
The imposter.
So, you think you can steal my ship?
Gopher?
What?
I mean--
I mean, captain.
Uh, look, why, uh--
why don't-- why don't we talk this over?
Don't touch!
Never touch!
What makes you think that you could
be the captain of anything?
How dare you talk to me like-- what?
I mean-- I mean, you're right, sir.
Yes, you're absolutely right.
But i-- I thought you'd be the kind of captain of such
a stature that you would like to discuss things
and-- and-- and work them out.
There's nothing to discuss.
It's a question of mutiny, pure and simple,
and it just won't wash!
No one is going to hurt you.
Everything's going to be all right.
Trust us. - Be cool.
I'm cool.
We just want to have a little chat.
Yeah, we just want to talk.
Yeah, uh, don't worry, folks.
It's just a little game we play.
It's called catch the captain.
It's a tradition of the sea.
Oh, catch the captain is your game then, is it?
Yeah.
In that case, you'll never take me alive.
Oh my god.
Man overboard!
We know there's a man overboard.
Throw the line!
She's still there.
You know she's not gonna let us out
of here till we shake hands.
Look, I understand how you feel about Linda.
I mean, if she was my sister, I'd try to protect her, too.
I just wanted something better for her
than to fall in love with some guy that--
that's famous for chasing women.
Come on.
What's the real problem?
Look, I got no problem with you.
I just want better for her than to get involved
with a wrestler like me.
No offense, Thomas, but I don't plan on doing
this the rest of my life.
Soon I'll have enough saved up to do exactly
what I've always wanted to do--
get a little house in New Hampshire
and open up a sporting goods store.
Really?
If you need any advice, I just got my real estate license.
Well, you know, we are doing pretty well.
Maybe we ought to shake hands and get out of here
before we're both dehydrated.
Linda, look, we're shaking.
Judy (on intercom): Attention, flappers and gangsters,
don't miss our roaring '20s show at the international lounge.
You can do this, starlight.
I can?
Break a leg.
That is a terrible thing to say.
It means good luck.
Oh.
I'll never understand this business.
Good luck.
[Interposing voices]
Ladies and gentlemen, the mermaids with a salute to that
roaring decade, the '20s!
All: (Singing) [Inaudible].
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to the bungalow of the roaring '20s.
Flappers dance [inaudible] Charleston [inaudible]..
Riding in the rumble seat with the bees knees.
Can't breathe.
[Inaudible] Up to our throat.
No one shivers in our flippers.
Wow.
We're the cat's meow, and how!
If that's not cool with you, then 23 skidoo.
Everything is hunky dory and [inaudible]..
Betty boop and [inaudible].
Valentino on the screen.
Model ts and [inaudible].
Al Capone and rin tin tin.
We can hardly wait till '29.
All: 'Cause 1929 looks fine.
Black bottom.
A new cruiser.
You sure got a [inaudible].
We got their hands into a raggedy [inaudible] hot.
We jump right in and give all a [inaudible]..
All: Boo boopie doop.
Bo doggie-o.
Black bottom a new cruiser.
When you spot 'em, you go with 'em and,
do that black, black bottom.
Do that black, black bottom.
Do that black, black bottom all the day long.
Down on wall street, things are looking fine,
and we just can't wait till 1929!
Woo!
[Applause]
[Interposing voices]
[Cheering]
Who threw me in the bay?
As soon as I find that out and tell the captain,
somebody is gonna be in a lot of trouble.
Don't you think you're the captain?
No, I don't. Why?
Why would I think that? Why?
Gopher?
What?
We need to talk.
Yes, sir, right away.
But you better change first.
I don't want you dripping on my carpet.
Yes, sir.
Who threw me in the bay? - That's all I want to know.
Well, it's a long--
it's a long story.
All right.
Judy (on intercom): We're now leaving lovely acapulco.
We hope you've enjoyed your stay as much as we have.
Our next stop is Los Angeles.
Buenas noches.
Oh, what a cruise.
One of our crew members literally jumped overboard.
We just picked him up.
I mean, it's a miracle we saw him down
there at night in the dark sea.
He can't even swim.
He missed the dock by that much.
I mean, it's just incredible he wasn't hurt.
Did you ever have kids, doc?
Ok, we'll talk about what you want to talk about.
No, I never had any of my own.
I like to think I still might someday.
I never wanted any.
But your books?
My books--
I only give them problems I can solve, doc.
That way, if I make a mistake, nobody gets hurt.
But in real life, if a father makes a mistake,
it's the kid who pays.
If only perfect people had children,
the human race would die out very quickly.
Difficult decision to make, isn't it, doc?
Of course it is.
Being responsible for another person is frightening prospect,
but you can't let fear stand in the way of your shot
at happiness.
Now can we talk about what I want to talk about?
Well, I'm ready to turn in.
How about you, kid?
[Knocking]
Hi.
Are you alone?
I thought I heard someone.
I'm not alone.
I was talking to my baby.
How is he or she?
Fine.
May I come in?
I've, uh, been working on my new book.
I, uh, just can't seem to lick one little plot problem,
and sometimes it helps if I tell the story to somebody else.
Why me?
Oh, you're kidding.
Your criticism of "the runaway frog" showed real insight.
I'm listening.
Ok.
Once upon a time, there was this guy--
a guy?
Not a pony or a frog?
I'm trying to grow as a writer.
So anyway, this guy was sort of dashing in his own way,
but he wasn't perfect.
More importantly, he wasn't expecting
to meet the woman of his dreams, fall in love,
and become a prospective father all in one fell swoop.
He was a little frightened.
Who isn't?
Bear with me, please, because this is a work in progress,
all right?
So this guy loves this woman, and he just
wants to get a fresh start and take
it one little step at a time.
How-- how does that-- how does that sound so far?
Does it make sense?
This guy and this woman--
do they live happily ever after?
Absolutely.
So what do you think?
I think it's a bestseller.
Hey, hulk hogan.
Hey, well, me and the mangler do hereby
challenge you to a tag team match with you
and somebody equally as ugly.
You know, you got to be kidding, little dude man.
I already busted you and your sister up all by myself.
I got a lot of top contenders to worry about,
and I don't have time to play games with you two clowns.
Yeah?
Yeah, but this time we'll be ready,
and you'll be eating canvas.
You heard it here, wrestling fans.
The rematch of the century on awn, the all wrestling network.
Hulk?
Well, you know, I can't believe this, man.
I came here for a little r&r. I didn't
want to hear nothing about this wrestling stuff,
and you know something?
You guys don't even look like athletes to me.
I don't see any muscles, and you know I don't see any brains,
but if you keep jumping up in my face,
man, I just might take you out there in that combat zone
and show you what reality is all about.
Judy: Thank you [inaudible].
Well, cousin, I guess I owe you one after all.
You know, it's all because of you
that I am becoming a husband and a father at the same time.
Mm-hm.
I may make you a character in my next book.
- Oh? - Mm-hm.
Any objections to being a panda bear?
Could you make it a slim panda?
Sure.
Uh, Judy, there is one more little thing
I need you to do for me.
What's that?
Explain all this to the family.
Bye, thank you.
Thanks, Judy.
Good luck.
I can't tell you how terrible I feel about this whole thing,
captain, really.
Are you sure that I am the captain?
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
No doubt about it.
Did I make a fool out of myself on this or what?
Do you want the truth, or do you want to remain friends?
Gopher, I want you to know that i'm
not holding you responsible for any of your actions.
Thank you, sir.
Appreciate that.
But can you honestly say that things
didn't run just a teeny bit better when I was the captain?
Don't make me sorry that we fished you out of the bay.
[Theme music]