[Theme music]
Theme song: Love, exciting and new.
Come aboard.
We're expecting you.
And love, life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow.
It floats back to you.
The love boat soon will be making another run.
The love boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.
And love won't hurt anymore.
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
It's love.
Welcome aboard, it's love.
[Suspenseful music]
[Thunder crashing]
[Dishes clattering]
[Loud chatter]
Mr. Cunningham.
Mr. Cunningham, we're really getting it now.
Get on the stick, do something.
Does marinara stain dacron and cotton polyester?
Chuck, give word to the rest of the crew.
Batten everything down.
Close all the bars, close the acapulco lounge and the casino.
Drain the pool.
Secure everything that moves.
Hey, forget about him.
Do as I tell you to do, or let's choose sides for water Polo.
Um, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen, everybody.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Hi there.
Um, my name is Isaac Washington, and I'm the--
uh-- I'm the--
I'm the chief bartender of this ship.
I don't know if any of you noticed,
but we seem to have run into a bit of bad weather.
Well, actually, it's more than a bit, but less than a bunch.
Ok?
So everybody, come on.
Nice and easy.
Back to your cabins, let's go. All right?
[Passengers grumbling]
Mr. Cunningham.
A little bleach and it'll be as good as new.
[Suspenseful music]
[Thunder crashing]
Well, everything seems to be holding together so far.
I sure don't build 'em like I used to.
Oh.
Oh, mau.
Remember our first place?
Every time the guy upstairs had a shower,
we had a shower on the kitchen table.
You always said your eggs were runny.
You know, where I'm thinking of going on my vacation?
South of France.
I'd rather go to the north.
What's the attraction in the north?
You'd be in the south.
I have a whole shell full of fresh rainwater here.
Terrific.
We can wash our hair and not leave a scaly deposit.
I'll have a drink.
[Thunder crashing]
[Cracking] - Ah!
What's that?
It sounds like a hunk of the roof just blew off.
I think you're right.
Check it out, Mr. Smith.
Check it out?
Outside in the hurricane?
Gopher, you're not gonna melt.
Well, why don't we draw straws or something?
Gopher, for heaven's sake.
Gopher: Ok, I'll check it out.
[Suspenseful music]
[Cracking]
[Yelling]
Gopher!
Ah!
Stop, don't touch him!
Don't touch him!
Let's get the tree off him.
He's under a tree, for crying out loud!
Somebody help!
All right, get out of the way!
Come on!
[Grunting]
Ok, get him inside.
Watch out.
I got him, I got him.
Get him in the hut. Careful.
Let's get him inside. That's it.
Careful.
Mr. Crothers, do you know what you just did?
Yeah.
I dropped my gun, didn't I?
[Music playing]
He's got a hell of a concussion.
There's really nothing we can do for him at this point.
Thank god, I think he hasn't gone into shock.
I was so mean to him.
He could die.
He's not gonna die, Julie.
He's gonna be ok.
What a vacation.
Aw, Cheryl.
[Chuckling]
Don't do that.
That tickles.
Gopher.
Can you hear me?
Is that you, Jackie?
No, it's Julie.
Doc, he's talking!
Thank god he's ok.
Kate, give my regards to Farrah.
Doc, he's hallucinating.
Maybe not.
I have that same dream sometimes.
Keep a close eye on him.
Don't worry, I will.
Gopher.
Farrah.
It is you.
Why don't you get out of that wet t-shirt?
Ms. Atwood, you're so quiet, dear.
Are you all right?
Sure, I'm terrific.
I was just thinking of sending some postcards to my enemies.
Having a wonderful time.
Wish you were here.
Oh, I'm sure you don't have any enemies.
How about just leaving me alone?
All right?
All right.
Why don't you stop feeling sorry for yourself
just long enough to think about somebody else?
Don't worry, fluffem.
We'll get out of this ok.
Oh, who cares?
What do you mean?
I mean, who cares!
What does it matter if the hurricane kills me overnight,
or I go back to the life I have?
A slow, boring death day by day.
You really hate me that much?
I don't hate you.
Like I said, I just don't care anymore.
We've enjoyed a lot of years.
We belong together.
Maybe once.
Mo, I love you.
Those are just words, Everett.
[Crying]
I want what every woman wants.
I want to be held, touched.
To be swept off my feet.
I want a man.
A real man.
Hey.
You're looking at a real man.
Yeah, a man that drives other women crazy.
[Crying]
What, you don't believe me?
Well, maybe you ought to check with Diana.
Oh, Diana, sure.
Diana.
That was her real name.
Her professional name was red ginger the wam-wam girl.
Bada boom!
Ha!
I was sitting at ringside, and she tossed her tassel to me.
And we both knew it was kismet.
[Purring]
Ah.
One always remembers his first mistress very fondly.
Your first?
How many others?
How many times did I report seeing ufos?
Why-- you--
[music playing]
[Knocking]
[Thunder crashing]
- Hi. - Hi.
You all right?
Yeah, I think so.
Can I, uh, come in?
Sure.
Whoa.
Do you believe this?
(Laughing) No.
How's your mother?
Oh, she's fine.
Up $50.
Listen, you know, I told her about you.
She had a lot of questions. - Oh?
Yeah.
If you play poker, you play pinochle, you play gin.
Might be I'm gonna like your mother.
Yeah, well you--
oh!
[Laughing]
Mother nature's not bad either.
Pierre?
Pierre!
(French accent) Ha-ha!
Good to see you again, eh?
Ah, the restaurant, it goes well, huh?
Ah, fantastique!
It sounds like you made it to the south of France.
(French accent) A little champagne
to start, but of course.
And then I think the foie Gras, the coquille St. jaques.
Et pour le dessert, souffle au chocolat.
Get him.
This is the guy who thinks a big Mac is a gourmet dish.
Mr. Crothers, can I ask you a question?
What's a good looking guy like me doing in a place like this?
Well, the thought had crossed my mind.
Oh, well.
It's the usual reason.
A busted marriage.
You know what I did after she left me?
I got a job at Disneyland.
Oh.
I was humpty dumpty.
Humpty dumpty!
Yeah.
Every afternoon I dressed up like a big egg.
[Laughing]
You know what finally got me?
The mice.
There was this great big one with dumb ears.
He had on red pants and, uh, two great big buttons.
You know what?
The son of a gun was the star.
- Oh no. - Yeah.
Can you beat that?
No.
The star!
Eh.
I said, if that's life, he can have it.
I said, the hell with 'em and the horse they rode in on.
And I came right to this island.
Well, I can't say I blame you a bit.
That's the most compelling reason I ever
heard for becoming a hermit.
[Laughing]
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's quiet and peaceful-- uh, usually.
And there's no mice to speak of-- uh, that's at least none
that think they're Clark gable.
But, uh, well, it has its drawbacks.
See, I don't like cooking.
Aw.
Hate it.
And you already know how I feel about no birthday parties.
Oh, yes, but the island is so beautiful.
You must love it here.
Well, yeah, the days are ok.
But sometimes at night i'd give anything for the sound
of a sympathetic human voice.
A sexy, sympathetic female voice.
Like yours.
Like mine?
You're one heck of a dish, you know that?
Oh, well, maybe I used to be, but.
You still are, believe me.
Did you ever give any thought to having a fling with a hermit?
Could you learn to love a semi-crazy guy like me?
Oh, Mr. Crothers.
If you-- if you only knew how much I want to.
But-- but I can't.
Ah, well.
It, uh-- it was a dumb idea.
Oh, no, no, it wasn't a dumb idea at all.
[Suspenseful music]
[Screaming]
Don't panic.
And everybody stay calm.
These braces are still holding.
Captain stubing.
I think we'd all feel a little better if-- well,
would you say a little prayer for us?
Yes, I'd like to do that very much.
Dear lord, nine of your children are
very frightened on this island.
But we know that you are with us and watching over us and
protecting us from this storm.
Life is your most precious gift, and we pray that all of us
will be enjoying it when morning comes.
Mention the party.
What?
Say something about the party, and-- and how we all hope that
everyone has a-- a-- a good time, and that
I get the Vicky that i--
I really, really want.
It's all right, captain stubing.
God won't mind.
Don't forget the tinkertoys.
All right.
I'll mention the party, but I draw the line at tinkertoys.
Oh, that's fair.
We ask that you bless Dave's birthday party.
Thanks a million.
Amen.
[Groaning]
Doc, he's in pain.
(Italian accent) Rosanna, don't do that.
If he's in pain, he's sure enjoying it.
(Italian accent) Sophia.
Sophia, of course you can bite my ear.
That's what ears are for.
Rosanna, Sophia.
Sounds like he got bored with France and took off for Italy.
(Italian accent) [Inaudible] Dancing the night away.
And later-- later--
boy, he's got all the luck.
How come trees don't fall on me?
Thanks.
Here, let me do that.
No, I'm ok.
Yeah, sure you are.
I bet you make a pretty good doctor.
Well, I haven't lost a patient yet.
See, I usually hang a bell around their necks.
Always the jokes, right?
Well, they help make life bearable.
What do you do to make life bearable?
Behave like a spoiled brat.
Yeah.
I'm good at it, I've had a lot of practice.
Why don't you try the jokes?
You know, change of pace.
I think I've got something.
I think you just started.
[Music playing]
Captain Cunningham?
Isaac Washington.
Good news?
Uh, sir, getting the stain out of your jacket
isn't the kind of good news I was hoping for.
What about the captain?
Um, sir, I think that we should have the Mexican authorities
send a boat out to all the uninhabited islands
around cabo San Lucas.
Yes, sir.
I'm glad you thought of that too.
Thank you.
I couldn't believe last night.
Felt like the ship was going to turn upside down.
Hmm, that was some storm.
Was there a storm too?
Listen, uh-- you want to see your mother this morning?
No, I don't think so.
Why not?
Well, since this cruise began, it
seemed the cards were stacked against my mother
and me ever meeting.
I don't know if there is any such thing as fate,
but I've got what I want now.
I don't think I'll press my luck.
Good morning.
Would you like some company?
Well, it's my mother, Jimmy the Greek.
Hi, mom.
What happened, did you clean out everyone
or did you wear out the cards?
(Laughing) Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, Jeannie, this is my mother.
Hello.
Mike's told me so much about you.
Well, I haven't seen Mike for a few days,
but I can understand why.
How could I possibly compete with such a--
such a beautiful girl?
Well, how am I supposed to compete
with the gin rummy gang?
Excuse me.
Here's the 10 bucks I owe you.
And do me a favor.
Next time you want to play gin, deal me out.
Ok, Mrs. Simpson?
Vera: Thank you, but you might win it back.
Wally: (Laughing) Yeah.
Mrs. Simpson?
Yes?
Oh, uh, I didn't explain.
Mike adler is my stage name.
Vera Simpson?
Yes, but--
Jeannie, what--
what's wrong?
I don't know.
I mean, the only thing that's been bothering her is--
well, see, Jeannie grew up in an orphanage.
She hired detectives to help her track down her mother.
In fact, her mother's supposed to be on this ship.
You?
Do you know where she was born?
Uh-- Omaha, I think.
Oh, dear lord!
[Music playing]
Everett?
Hmm?
Everett.
Yeah.
Hmm?
Everett, look.
Go ahead.
What?
Do you see what I see?
There's a real man.
It's over.
The storm is over.
Oh, good.
Hi, nurse.
Hi, doctor.
You know what?
I think he's just sleeping now.
I think you're right.
Gopher?
Doc?
Good morning, friend.
What happened?
How'd you like your vacation?
It must have been great.
I sure have a hangover.
You were hit by a tree.
It feels like I was hit by a house.
That almost happened too.
You slept through most of the fun, Mr. Smith.
I always miss all the good parties.
Gopher, I'm so glad you're feeling better.
All those terrible things I said to you.
If you hadn't gotten better, I never would have
been able to forgive myself.
Really?
Oh!
[Laughing]
Oh!
Oh, thank goodness you're all right.
David: You're looking great.
Mr. Crothers.
Yeah?
Do you know what today is?
Uh-- Monday?
Come on, what else?
I don't know.
It's your birthday!
[Laughing]
It's my birthday?
Who told you?
It's party day.
It is party-- well, i'm ready for the big surprise.
Now, let's hear it for the birthday boy.
Happy birthday!
I'm just gonna go on about my business
as though I didn't know any of you people were here.
Boy, this is gonna be fun.
We've gotta get that gun away from him
and then signal for search parties.
Well, there's already a bunch of rocks on the beach
arranged to say help.
How did they get there?
When the storm died down, I put them there.
You did?
Well, while you were up and around,
why didn't you take that musket away from the nut?
I did.
You did?
And you gave it back to him?
Sure.
There weren't any bullets in it.
Just dirt.
Dirt.
Dirt!
Mr. Crothers!
Mr. Crothers, wherever you are, you get
yourself out there right now!
What a surprise.
My birthday!
I'd forgotten all about it.
There isn't going to be a birthday party.
Don't you know who you're dealing with here?
A maniac with a gun.
Sure.
A gun that has dirt bullets in it.
Stay where you are--
or I'm gonna get you all dirty.
As soon as we are safely back on ship,
I am alerting the maritime authorities.
You'll be spending the rest of your life in prison.
Aw, come on.
I didn't do anything really bad, did I?
Kidnapping, piracy.
Besides those.
Look, I'll make a deal with you.
No butter brickle ice cream.
Just holler surprise, sing happy birthday,
and let it go at that.
How about it?
Captain, what harm can it do?
He did save gopher's life.
Right, yeah.
If it hadn't been for him, gopher's life
wouldn't have needed saving.
This man is a criminal.
Boy, are you a party pooper.
[Music playing]
[Knocking]
Jeannie.
Open the door, Jeannie.
I need to talk to you, and I think you need to talk to me.
[Lock clicking]
You're going to have to help me, Jeannie.
I know I can never understand everything
you must be feeling, everything you must have felt.
But if you're scared, you can believe me, I am too.
I never saw you.
Do you know that?
It was one of the rules.
They took you away from me while i--
I was still asleep.
Why did you give me away?
25 years ago, a girl paid very dearly for her mistakes.
There was no tolerance for people who defied the rules.
They told me it would be impossible for you to have a--
a normal, happy life if--
if I tried to raise you by myself without a husband.
It-- there was just no chance for us together, Jeannie.
Why didn't you ever try to find me?
I couldn't.
Only recently the adoption agencies opened the way
for this kind of an inquiry.
10 years ago, you couldn't have found me either.
When I did get married, it--
it was my second chance.
And i-- I felt that--
I felt that--
I had to hide the fact that you'd ever been born.
[Crying]
I-- I know it's too late for me to be your mother.
But I'd feel very privileged to be your friend.
Mom, I'm sorry.
[Gasping]
Mike.
What is it?
I'm in love with you.
Yes, well, of course.
You-- oh.
Uh-- Jeannie, it's--
it's all right.
I mean, uh-- look, there's absolutely nothing
to worry about.
Mother married my father when I was three years old.
She's my-- my step-mother.
[Sighing]
Believe me, you and I aren't related at all--
yet.
This is a terrific cake.
Sure, if you like mud cake.
[Singing happily]
Look what I got.
Oh, that garland is perfect, Everett.
We'd better get the party started before the captain
changes his mind.
Golly.
Nothing much doing today.
Guess I'll take a snooze.
And then later get in some fishing and a sun bath.
Ho-hum.
We couldn't get the signal fire going.
The wood's too wet.
Oh, I'm sure somebody'll find us.
Look, everything's just about ready for the party.
Goodie.
Isn't it exciting?
Now somebody has to lure Mr. Crothers up to the hut
while the rest of us hide.
How about you, captain?
No, no.
I refuse.
Oh.
Be a sport, sir.
Shh!
(Whispering) He's right over there behind the rock.
All right, this is it.
What do you mean this is it?
You're supposed to lure me.
Pretend you're taking me back to the house for a drink.
Ask me to drop by the office and see the new computer.
You're not supposed to just come up and say, this is it.
Pretty crummy.
Are you through?
Yeah, yeah.
Then forget the entire thing.
I'm only doing this to humor Mrs. Worth.
Oh, come on, be a pal.
Forget it.
No party.
But it would have been a party i--
I would never have forgotten.
Look!
Oh, look!
A cake!
And-- and bunting too!
Would I have gotten the tinkertoy?
Group: Surprise!
Surprise!
Happy birthday, Dave!
Fooled you, right?
Well, I'll be a dirty bird.
It's my birthday. You remembered.
Mm-hm.
And here's your birthday hat, Dave.
Aw, thanks a million.
If it doesn't fit, I can always use it in a salad.
Happy birthday, Dave.
Hey, you're not so bad a gal yourself, sister.
Happy birthday, Dave.
Oh!
Oh, it's a calendar watch!
There's the date and-- and the day of the week.
Say, that's the perfect gift for a hermit.
Here you go, Dave.
I wrapped it myself.
Aw, gee.
Thanks.
What is it?
Oh.
I've always wanted one of these.
Come to my room in half an hour and bring some rye bread.
[Laughing]
We couldn't think of a thing--
but I did have this in my purse.
I don't know how it got there.
Princess.
It's a hot ashtray.
Well, I've always wanted something stolen.
Well, it-- it's been a swell birthday.
Uh, but the party's over.
And, uh, the quicker you get off my island, the happier I'll be.
I quite agree.
I suggest we all head towards the beach.
We'll try to light that fire.
And if you have anything to wave,
bring it in case we spot a plane.
This way.
Stay dry, man.
- Yeah, thank you. - Happy birthday.
Bye. - Thanks.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Bye.
Uh-- I didn't mean it when I said get off my island.
Come live with me and be my love,
and we shall some new pleasure prove
of golden sands and crystal Brooks,
with silken lines and silver hooks.
That's John donne, that's not me.
It came straight from my hermit's heart.
Oh, Mr. Crothers.
I'd-- I'd love to stay on your island, but--
but who'd want to live with somebody
who's playing with half a deck.
Oh, no, no.
Now don't-- don't you say things like that.
You're saner than most people I know.
Then stay with me.
We'll live happily ever after.
Mr. Crothers, there can't be any happily ever after for me.
Don't you believe in fairy tales?
Kiss me on the nose, come on.
And I'll turn into a prince.
Or a frog.
We'll have a wonderful life together.
Dave, I'm dying.
We all are.
They say I only have six months.
We're all the same.
You just know when.
[Engine rumbling]
Boy, that's, uh, some loud peacock.
I know.
[Knocking]
It's open.
Mara.
I didn't think I'd be doing this,
but I came to apologize to you.
I'm the one who should apologize.
I mean, all the showing off, lying.
I was a real jerk, wasn't I?
But when the chips were down, you showed what kind of man
you really are.
Everybody's talking about what you did last night.
Oh.
I-- I didn't do that much.
You're quite a guy, Isaac.
As long as you remember to be yourself.
If I were really going to be myself, I'd take you in my arms
and hold you very close.
Well.
Like I said, be yourself.
Here we go.
All right, Mrs. Worth.
It's time to get you off this god forsaken island.
I don't think this island is forsaken, captain.
You don't think Dave lifted that tree all by himself do you?
I know, but it's time to go.
You go on, captain.
What?
I'm gonna stay here with Dave.
Why?
Well, I'll tell you, captain.
I've lived a lot of years and I've done a lot of things,
but you know what?
I've never lived in a grass shack.
And I've never really learned the poetry of John donne.
And I've never watched a sunset from a deserted island.
I don't understand.
You can do these things anytime.
Well, there's no time like the present, is there?
Goodbye, captain.
Well.
I'll, uh, have your things sent by launch on our way north.
That'll be very nice, thank you.
Thanks for the party, captain.
It was terrific.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Mrs. Worth.
Good luck to the both of you.
Oh.
If I can't get tinkertoys, would you settle for an erector set?
Aye aye, sir.
[Laughing]
[Music playing]
- Kiki! - Julie!
Bye-bye!
Oh, bye.
See you.
Doc, I've had a lovely last three days.
Me too.
Obviously, being marooned on an island
has its indirect benefits.
If I ever need a great nurse, I'll give you a call.
If I ever need a great friend, I'll give you a call.
Bye.
Well, there goes a changed woman.
Well, we all changed on that island.
Hey guys.
Come on, give me a nice smile, ok?
Oh--
gopher, how many times can you scare us with that snake?
Hey guys.
No snake this time, I promise.
Please?
Ok.
- Say cheese? - Come on.
- Ok. - Ok.
Ok.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Ready?
[Squirting]
Oh, gopher!
Bye now.
Oh.
You were saying we all changed.
Yeah, he got worse.
Hey, let's say goodbye.
Right.
See you soon, Julie, doc.
Sorry you got stuck on the island.
Oh, we're not.
Bye.
Uh, Mr. Buell.
May I have a word with you?
Certainly.
I'll get us a taxi, lover.
I won't be long.
On the island, I couldn't help overhearing
about all those women.
All those women, huh?
Yeah.
You know, that's funny.
Maureen believed me about the women,
but she never believed me about the ufos.
I made up the women.
I really saw the ufos.
Mother, how do you feel?
You just picked up a daughter, a daughter-in-law,
and a gin rummy partner all in one fell swoop.
How on earth am I going to word these wedding invitations?
I've got you beat.
I got a mother, a mother-in-law, a step-brother, and a husband.
We're going to need a big apartment.
This is a big decision you're making, giving up the sea.
Well, my cruise line is just going to have
to get along without me.
Do you know what you're going to do?
I don't know.
I thought I'd find a desert island and become a hermit.
That's what my brother did, you know.
Yeah.
Well, good luck, Mr. Cunningham.
Captain.
Brother?
Mara, I've got the whole day planned for us.
That's terrific.
Hey, aren't you gonna invite us?
We like parties.
Why not?
Do me a favor.
Get lost.
We sure know how to do that.
One minute, please.
Sir.
I am sorry that your vacation turned out this way.
Oh, uh, that's all right, sir.
I heard from many sources that you
were the glue that held the ship together during the crisis.
I owe you a debt of gratitude.
Well, sir, when you've sailed with the best skipper
there is, well, a little rubs off.
Thank you.
I would also like to thank you in another way.
Sir?
A promotion.
Isaac, that's wonderful.
In addition to your overseeing all the bars on the ship,
I want you to get involved in other areas too.
There will be some stripes in your next pay
envelope, Mr. Washington.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, thank you!
Give me five.
[Laughing]
Bye-bye.
See you, Mr. Washington.
Mr. Washington, sir.
So long, Mr. Washington.
Isaac.
Vacation's over.
Back to work.
Hmm?
[Theme music]