♪Love, exciting and new.♪
♪Come aboard, we're expecting you♪
♪love, life's sweetest reward.♪
♪Let it flow, it floats back to you♪
♪the love boat soon will be making another run.♪
♪The love boat promises something for everyone♪
♪set a course for adventure♪
♪your mind on a new romance♪
♪love won't hurt anymore.♪
♪It's an open smile on a friendly shore♪
♪yes, love .welcome aboard, it's love.♪
Hello.
Can I be of help?
Are you the person in charge?
That's me.
Then you must be gopher.
No.
I'm merrill....Captain merrill stubing.
Oh, dear...I'm sorry.
I really just need someone to tell me where promenade three-four-four is.
It just so happens I'm headed in that direction myself.
I'd be very happy to escort you.
That's very kind of you.
Hello. Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
Your name, sir?
Newton weems.
Newton weems....Yes, sir...Newton weems.....
I don't seem to have a weems.
Oh...well, thanks anyway.
Yo, sir, wait a minute.
Mr.weems....I'm sorry.
It was stapled over.
It's okay,it's not the first time that's happened.
I understand how you feel.
I was left out of my high school yearbook.
Oh....
Hi.I'm Roberta Potter.
Uh...newton weems.
Hi.
Um, mr.Weems, you're on the fiesta deck cabin one-thirty
and Roberta, you're right down the hall cabin one-thirty-seven.
Thank you.
I notice you two are travelling alone.
Would you like to sit at the same table for dinner?
Oh...yeah, it's okay with me.
Okay with you, Newton?
Yeah...yeah...yeah.....well, sorry about the yearbook.
Bye.
No, no, no, no...It's okay.
Thank you, I've got it.
Here.
Bye.
Enjoy your cruise.
Yeah, bye.
Kinda nervous.
Uh-huh.
Yeah....kinda cute, isn't he?
Hm-hm.
Well, not that cute.
Oh, Michael, very fancy.
I told you a long time ago,
nothing but the best for our family..
Don't...don't sit there, son.
Leave him alone, honey.
He's exhausted and besides that suit itches him.
Itch...that's a hundred dollar suit.
Ike!
Lenore!
Mike!
Oh, fantastic!
Hey, Mike, how you doin'?
Isaac...
How you doin'?
Good.
Terrific.
You look rich!....I had heard you two got married...
But I didn't know about this guy here.
This is our son, Michael.
Shake hands with mr.Washington.
How do you do, mr.Washington.
Hey....you just call me ike, little brother.
All right?
Hey listen, just between you and me....Doesn't that suit itch?
It certainly does.
I give you my official permission to scratch.
Come on, Michael, let's go to the cabin and change.
Okay.
Ike...I'll see you later.
Lenore, that's what you said twelve years ago.
Please, I have to be on this cruise.
Ah, you're in luck, miss Henderson.
Had a late cancellation.
Good.
Friend of yours?
Not exactly.
Would you like me to arrange an introduction?
We've already met.
Excuse me, but don't we know each other?
No.
I see that old line doesn't work any better for women than it does for men.
Well, it's all in the delivery.
Excuse me, but...Haven't we met somewhere before?
No.
But nice try.
I think she's crazy about you.
Well, I still say we should have taken the bus to Mexico.
Honestly, fern, all these things I've heard about love boat lotharios.
We are going to have to be on guard every minute.
Will you hush, Muriel.
Now you can't go through life being terrified of every man you meet.
Personally, I intend to let down my hair and enjoy myself.
Hi, ladies.
Don't you start with us.
Au revoir, mon cherie.
You still don't remember me, do you?
We live in the same neighborhood in New York.
We used to go to the same place...Cody's, right?
I never heard of Cody's.
I've been to Cody's.
Great restaurant.
It's a bar.
Hey, doc!
How goes operation romance?
The patient's okay.
The doctor just died.
Let's drink a toast to lenore and the escorts.
Well, what's that?
What's that?
Well, when your dad and mom and I were kids, we used to have a group.
And we used to stand on the street corner singin' all the top tunes of the day.
Yeah.
We were a big hit.
And in a burst of inspiration, we even created our own original composition.
Oh, no....The language of love.
Don't tell him about the Turkey song.
Do you remember the choreography us we used to do?
Oh yeah.
Come on honey , this should be fun.
Come on, Mike.....Remember we used to work for hours doin' that stuff.
Man, I know you didn't forget.
Did you forget that?
Oh, come on.
Ah, one, ah two...Ah one, two, three.....
Ba...ba...ba...ba...ba...ba...b a.
(All singing)
You gotta teach me that song, dad.
No, I've sung that song for the last time.
Ike, will you teach me?
Sure.
Oh, no.
That do-wah stuff was fine for back then but we don't need that now, son.
Come on, let's go get dressed for the captain's cocktail party.
Say, Mike.....I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your son.
Oh, it's cool, ike.
It's just that my life's all in a different direction, that's all.
Hey, ike, could you teach me that move that went along with the fuzzy-wuzzy?
Uh...uh, I think you better check it out with your father first.
Michael!
Please?
Okay....tomorrow.
And if you get good enough, maybe Gladys knight'll make you a pip.
Roberta ...I see you're not eating.
Well, I'm sort of looking around for Newton.
Well, he doesn't seem to be here.
Roberta, he did say he might eat in his cabin.
That's okay.
I can wait.
He's gotta come out sometime.
Okay.
It was very sweet of you to give me a tour of the ship today.
Oh...we haven't finished that.
Perhaps later I can show you the real heartbeat of the ship.
The engine room?
My cabin.
Oh, merrill, you're such a knave.
Fern, will you...
What?
Look at that!
And...and he is the captain.
You know that's a fine example he is setting.
Muriel.
For heaven sakes, we're here to have fun and not to pass judgment on,
the shabby moral behavior of others.
Besides, if you keep gawking around the room like that,
some one could possibly come up with something worse.
Fern...fern...do not turn around.
What do you mean?
One is coming right to us.
Mercy.
Do...do you think he wants to hit on us?
No, I think he wants to take the order.
This table fourteen?
Yes, it is.
I'm sure you're convinced by now that I'm following you.
Well, I am.
I don't get it.
Look, I'm sure you get to meet a lot of girls, but it hurts my ego that you don't remember me.
We were introduced by the bartender at Cody's.
Of course, I...I haven't been back there for a while.
I heard some guy got killed there last year.....
Excuse me.
Wait.
You know, I don't understand why she's trying so hard with him,
when she could have a good looking doctor like yourself.
Well, maybe she's a Christian scientist.
As the saying goes, if at first you don't succeed, go hit on somebody else.
Well, somebody enjoyed his dinner.
My man needs his strength to go skeetshooting tomorrow.
I can't wait.
Pow!
Ike says they shoot off the fantail from ten to eleven.
Huh?
Is that the only time?
Yes.
Why?
I have this conference call scheduled tomorrow from ten to eleven.
Does that mean we can't go?
Not this time, son.
That's okay, dad.
No.
No, it's not okay.
This is supposed to be a vacation, Michael.
We planned it especially so you could spend more time with your son.
Now, please.
No business.
I'll make it up to you, Michael.
Promise.
Baby, do you know what it takes to set up a conference call ship to shore?
See, he doesn't mind.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe you never been to Cody's.
Well, I have....A lot.
Trying to wipe the place out of my mind.
I was there the night the guy was killed.
I...i understand a bystander tried to take the killer's gun away and he shot him, too.
You want to see the scar?
That was only the beginning.
I spent four months in the hospital,ended up losing my job.
All because I stuck my nose into somebody else's business.
But you must be glad to hear they caught the guy that shot you.
Well, I don't know anything about that.
Oh yeah, he's a drug dealer.
Mob guy.
It was in all the papers.
I must have missed it.
Surely they've asked you to be a witness at the trial?
It's getting a little cold out here.
Look, I...I'm sorry.
I'm upsetting you again.
This must be a nightmare for you.
And I've ruined your meal.
Look, if I promise never to mention Cody's again,
will you come back inside and join me for dinner?
Okay.
Good.
And by the way, the name's Suzanne.
Frank.
Now you can't say we haven't met.
You cocktail waitresses lead fascinating lives.
Oh, hey, doc...Doc you gotta get in here right away.
A guy just passed out at the Blackjack table.
Well, how'd it happen?
He won.
I'll be back in just a second....Don't lose the mood.
Bon soir, ma cherie.
Till we meet again.
Now, that's Orion's belt.
See?
Three stars right in a line?
And over there we have the sygnus the swan.
That's my personal favorite.
Now, let's see if we can find ursus, the bear.
There you are, you little devil.
And that, of course, is the little Dipper.
Little?
Wow!
How long are you gonna keep me in the deep freeze?
Until you start living up to your promises.
Okay, honey,hop in bed.
Listen, son, I'm sorry we can't go skeet shooting.
But...how would you like to go fishing?
I don't know.
I've never done it.
Well, it's about time we went.
Day after tomorrow, we'll be in cabo San Lucas.
Best fishing in the world.
You know what we're gonna do?
You and me are gonna charter a boat, go fishin' all day long.
Really?
Really.
And that's a promise...Goodnight, son.
'Night, dad.
Have a good sleep....
Wait a minute.
Don't forget to say your prayers.
Dear lord...Thank you for today.
And please bless mom, dad and my man, ike.
Oh, and thank you for bringing back lenore and the escorts....Amen.
Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na......
You ready for breakfast?
Ooh, look out pancakes...Here we come.
Hey, ike.Guess what?
Me and my dad are goin' fishin' in cabo San Lucas.
Right.
Anything you can tell me about fishin'?
I want to be real good at it.
All you need to know about fishin' is that it's a lot of fun.
Unless, of course, you're a fish.
Look, I've got something that's really special.
It's...my magic fishing hat.
Hey, Isaac, isn't that....
Now, Mike, you just put this hat on your head,
and you won't have to worry about hooks, bait or anything.
The fish sense the magic and they just leap into the boat
already cleaned, scaled and filleted.
Ah, ike.
There's no such thing as a magic hat.
Okay, you be the judge.
You mean I can have this?
Hm-hm.
It's yours.
No kidding?
Right on, partner.
Hey, thanks, ike.
That's the fishing hat your dad gave you, isn't it?
Yeah.
But it was just hangin' up there losin' all its magic.
I mean, look...No...No fish.
Not one single solitary fish.
I am not making up this story, fern.
I mean, I was sitting right next to the lady,
under the dryer and she said she was standing alone and all of a sudden this
masked man popped out and kissed her on the lido deck.
A masked man.
I'd like to see him try that stuff on me.
You know?
Hi, Newton.
Hi.
Hi,uh, Roberta.
Right.....
So, you...Going into puerto vallarta today?
No, I...I'm too tired.
I did a lot of work....
So you worked, huh?
Well, what kind of work do you do?
I'm a writer.
A writer?
Gee, I've never met a writer before.
Ah, what kind of things do you write?
Films and television?
Novels, I bet.
Maps.
I write maps.
You know the names of cities, gulfs, rivers.....I write...I write maps.
That's fascinating.
Gee,oh, listen, I hope you don't think I'm being forward or anything,
but I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me.
Tonight?......i don't know.
I...i....i have tons of works to do and
i'm...phew, I'm still full from breakfast.
I insist.
I'll come by your cabin and pick you up.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Don't do that.
No.
I'll....i'll...I'll meet you...In the dining room.
Okay.
I promise.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Penny for your thoughts.
Well, I was thinking about that killer's trial.
It starts today.
Oh, yeah, I know all about it.
I'm supposed to be there.
How come you're not, frank?
Because I'm scared stiff.
I don't blame you.
This guy has ugly friends, Suzanne.
One bullet was enough.
I don't need to be a hero again.
But can they convict him without you?
Nope.
Then a killer will be walking around the streets.
Yeah.....but so will I.
Evelyn, I hope you don't mind not sitting at the captain's table.
I wanted to make this special....A night you'd never forget.
Enjoying your dinner, Newton?
Oh, thank you very much.
Good.
Listen, shall we top it off in style?
What do you mean?
Watch this.
Garcon.
Yes, madame?
We would like two flaming baked alaskas for two.
It takes twenty minutes to prepare.
Oh, it's worth the wait.
Besides, we're not going anywhere.
Ahh...i gotta go.
I...i have to work.
Well, Newton, what about the dessert?
No, I...I can't.
I...I've really stayed too long as it is.
Goodnight, Roberta.
I...i had a nice time.
You know you're beautiful.
I haven't felt this relaxed with anyone in my life.
Hey,something wrong?
No.
Come on.
Nothing.
Well, I haven't held anything back from you.
At least you can return the favor.
Frank,look.
What?
I know you're the kind of guy that cares about people.
Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten involved at Cody's that night.
I'm just wondering,how you can...
Duck my responsibility as a citizen?
Sort of.
And then there's that whole area of...Revenge.
Revenge?
Believe me I spent four months in the hospital thinking about that.
What good is it gonna do me if I'm six feet under?
You have a definite point.
Hey...let's put the trial over here.
Just enjoy being with one another,okay?
Have I told you that your eyes are like two limpid pools?
Yes.
About five minutes ago.
Oh.
Have I told you about your lips?
Uh-huh.
Merrill?
Hm-hmm?
Well, I'm getting kind of chilly.
Let's dance.
There isn't any music.
Oh.
Well, I'll run and have the band play something soft and lilting.
Of course you realize, fern, that we are playing right into his hands.
Hush, Muriel.
Someone has to stand up to this masked masher and make this ship safe again for decent people.
Fern, look.
It's him.
Now what do we do?
Pull yourself together,we'll scream.
All right.
Ready?....one, two, three.....
Hey, you!!!
Who was that masked man?
What masked man?
Evelyn...did he?
Did he ever.
Evelyn, compose yourself.
We still have plenty of time for us.
Not tonight, merrill.
I have a headache.
P.a: Good morning.
Barges will be leaving for cabo San Lucas every ten minutes from the coral deck gangway.
Hey, you're late.
You're gonna miss their boat.
We're not going.
What?
My dad has to fly back home.
What's goin' on?
Got a chance to pick up another dealership.
I've got to go back and wrap things up.
You know I'm doing this for you, don't you?
Yes, sir.
What kind of...Mike, doin' it for him?
You're doin' it for yourself.
This kid don't give a damn whether you get one more car dealership or not.
All he wants is a little attention from his father.
Isaac, you're absolutely right.
He is not!
What do you know about it anyway?
My dad's trying make a lot of money, so I can live a better life than he did.
He doesn't want me goin' singi' songs from a street corner.
He wants me to go to college and get a good education and be somebody...Not a jive bartender like you!
I'm sorry.
My fault.
I shouldn't have opened my big mouth.
Well, it's cool.
No, it's not cool.
Michael, don't you see what you're doing?
You're wheeling and dealing yourself right out of our lives.
Darling, calm down.
It's been an emotional morning.
Why don't you just go back to bed?
I've really got to go.
I'll call you later.
You ready for breakfast?
Hm-hm.
You know something?
What's that?
There is something I have been meaning to mention to you.
What is that?
I'm falling in love.
Who with?
You.
Frank,oh, I feel the same way.
I-I just wish that....
What's your wish?
Name it.You've got it.
Well, I just wish we didn't have this...This thing hanging over our heads.
What thing?
Oh Suzanne.
You're not gonna start with the trial again?
Frank, listen.Look, couldn't you just call the d.A.
And ask for a postponement?
Look, I've...I've told you how I feel about this.
Maybe I have to explain things better to you.
Look, I'm in the middle,because some pusher killed a junkie in a bar.
A loser, a bum....Look, the guy was throwing away his life anyway.
He's a punk Suzanne,a nothing!
That nothing was my brother Tommy.
You mean all this between us was just to.....
Lenore?
Hi, ike...How's Michael?
Oh,okay.
Listen, I'll be right up.
How's he doing?
He's locked himself in the bathroom.
Mike!
Hey listen Mike, I got an hour off.
How about you and I play some ping pong?
No, thank you.
Boy, that kid sure is polite.
Just like his father....You know, we have everything now.
A beautiful home, lovely clothes, lots of money,
and I've never been more frightened in my whole life.
I feel like I'm losing Mike and I don't know what to do about it.
Right now those times back on the street corner look awfully good.
Lenore?
What are you doing here?
Well, I exercised my prerogative as president of the company.
I told my vice president to make the deal.
Michael?!
Daddy!
I know it's kind of late in the day, and,
and all the big ones are probably all gone by now
but would you still like to go fishing with me?
Oh, wow!
All right...Now...How about an apology for our friend here?
I'm sorry for callin' you a jive bartender.
Hey.
And I'm sorry, too, ike.
Seems as though I've been doin' all the jivin' around here.
Hey, forget about that.
Listen, I want you guys to pick me up a...A sea bass about oh.....So big.
You got it, ike.
Hey listen, I want you to catch me some green beans and some French fries to go along with it.
How am I gonna do that?
Very easy.
With your magic hat.
I have never been so shocked in my entire life.
Can you imagine the nerve of that man?
He...he was a little like Douglas Fairbanks...So dashing.
He came out of nowhere and swept me into his arms.
No, no....Fern.
He was more like Valentino.
You know, arrogant...Arrogant, but sensuous.
Personally, I think he was more like bogey...Tough yet gentle.
Well, I should have known i'd find you out here having a nice time...Rather than doing your jobs.
Ah, captain, I was just here checking out all the passengers.
Making sure they were happy.
And I was just...Studying how Julie works.
Might want to be a cruise director myself some day.
I was checking the ambient temperature.
There might be some incipient flu in the air.
That makes no sense at all.
Oh.
You want sense.
I, on the other hand, was doing my job.
And it's about time.
Captain, somehow I get the vague feeling that possibly you're not in the very best of moods today.
Well, how am I supposed to feel?
For Pete's sake, we have a...A kissing bandit on board.
Well, I hear he's making a lot of ladies very happy.
Well, I want him stopped.
Why, sir?
Nobody's complaining.
Well, I'm complaining.
It's got to the point you can't even take a female companion for a stroll at night
without this whacko spoiling every mood you try to establish.
Oh, he's screwing up your love life.
Why didn't you say so?
I must say, he's not doing a lot for mine either.
Now what we need is a positive plan.
Any ideas how we can trap this kissing person?
Well, if we want to trap him we really need some sort of bait,like a decoy.
Right.
Wrong!!!
Right.
It's open.
Frank...can we talk?
Nothing to talk about.
I have to tell you about Tommy.
He wasn't a bum.
He was a sweet kid who went to Vietnam and got wounded.
And that's how he got hooked on drugs.
I don't need to hear all this.
Well, you've gotta hear it.
He kicked his habit and when that pusher approached him that night
in Cody's he threatened to turn him into the police.
That's the kind of guy he was.
Not a punk...Not a nothing.
I've already called the d.A.
What?
Not because of you, and your little game.
Because I suddenly realized I couldn't live with myself if that guy went free.
Now would you do me a favor leave me alone.
Frank...
Will you please just go?
Captain, I don't like this.
I don't like it at all.
Not at all.
Julie, there is nothing to worry about.
We'll never be more than a few feet from you.
And gopher and Isaac are in position ready to pounce.
And you'll have no trouble spotting him.
Everyone is at dinner, the deck is deserted.
Dr.bricker?
Ladies,ladies, for your own safety, I must ask you to my cabin for a cocktail.
Now...all you have to do is casually stroll back and forth.
As soon as you see him, call out.
Oh, captain, this could just be a big waste of time, though.
I mean...Well, what if he doesn't come after me?
Well, he will.The man's unbalanced.
Oh, I mean, he'll go for anyone.
No, I mean...Happy hunting.
Thank you, sir....Tally-ho to you, too.
Hey, how'm I doin'?
Julie, any sign of him?
No, not yet.
Hold it you!
Okay, buddy, don't try any rough stuff.
We've got him, sir!
Bon soir, mes amis.
Till we meet again.
Well, we know one thing for sure.
He's not French.
Care to share your ocean?
Hey, most girls laugh in my face, they don't burst into tears.
Oh, doctor bricker, I messed up everything.
I came on this cruise for one reason.
Frank mclean?
Yeah....it's so complicated.
I tried to push him into doing something...And now I wish i'd never.
I love him.
I've already lost my brother.
I don't want to lose him, too.
Do you understand?
No, but I think maybe frank does.
Suzanne....
Frank....
Ssshhh....for once, let's not talk.
There's something else that I would rather do.
Who is it?
Ah, it's me, Roberta.
Can I talk to you?
Ah, no.
I'm not here.
I mean, I'm here.
I'm sleeping, Roberta.
No...no...I'm not sleeping,
I'm working.I'm working.Boy, doi have a lot of work to do.
I've been up, oh...All night working.
Working on a map.
How do you spell tanzanaya?
T-a-n-z....uh...i can come in and help you.
Thank you.
Hi.
Just working.It's a map of.Some countries you've probably never heard of.
Mmm...the United States.
Some are rather well known.
Newton, what's going on?
You know the first night you don't even show up for dinner.
And the second night we were having such a wonderful time together.
Then you just left.
And then tonight you didn't show up again.
And then to top it off,
you know that masked man who's running around kissing just anybody?
Took one look at me and ran away.
Come on Newton,what's the matter with me?
Roberta, there's...Nothing the matter with you.
I mean...If you ask me, there's something the matter with him.
What do you mean?
Well, maybe he's so scared of girls, that he thinks he has to dress up to steal a kiss.
Why would anyone have to steal a kiss, Newton?
Ah, well, maybe he knew for sure that nobody would ever give him one.
Maybe he spent every high school dance so scared he
couldn't come out of the men's room.
Maybe he promised himself that one day he'd do all the stuff he dreamed about,
and then he met a girl that he really cared for,
and then the mask didn't work and,and he ran away like a chicken.
People don't have to do that.
Do they?
No.
If it was me,like, I mean, if I met someone,uh,like you.
That I really cared for.I'd just say,can I kiss you?
And I'd say yes.
Ah, mon Cher.Magnifique.
Oh, boy, you knew?
Are you gonna tell on me?
Roberta, we'll be back in port tomorrow.
Do you have any plans for the night?
Yes.
A very late dinner with you.
Thanks for everything, brother.
All right.
And especially the hard, cold truth.
Now come on, Mike.
You kinda deserved that.
And you deserve this.
Thank you, lenore.
Hey,thanks again ike, for my magic hat.
Any time, partner.
Any time.
Oh and...Ike...You're gonna have to come visit us.
Michael Jr.Can't get that fuzzy-wuzzy move.
And I can't seem to get it together, either.
Hey well for that all you need is some magic shoes.
Bye bye.
Take it easy.
All right, man.So long, Mikey.
Frank...are we doing the right thing?
Maybe we ought to get back on that boat and just sail away from here.
No way.
We're gonna see this thing through together.
We owe it to Tommy and we owe it to ourselves.
It was noble of me, wasn't it?
What?
The way I gave her up so she could be with him.
Excuse me?
Hm?
Have you seen captain stubing?
I'd like to say goodbye to him.
Well, if you wait right here, he should be by any minute.
All right.Thank you.
You bet.
Oh, fern, it's all over.
We're going home and I'm never gonna see him again.
See who?
Well, that mad Valentino who kissed me.
If he kissed you he must be mad....Anyway it was Douglas Fairbanks.
Don't start, fern.
Mr.weems, you look very tired.
Did you spend the entire cruise working in your cabin?
Oh, no.
I did a lot of work on deck, too.
Bye.
Bye bye.
Thanks for sailing with us.
Gopher?
Yes, sir?
Look at this.
Where did you get that?
A room steward found it in the trash.
But can you imagine anyone being silly enough to think that wearing that could be a turn-on?
It's him!
Who?!!