♪
♪ Love, exciting and new ♪
♪ come aboard, we're expecting you ♪
♪ love, life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ let it flow, it floats back to you ♪
♪ love boat soon will be making another run ♪
♪ the love boat promises something for everyone ♪
♪ set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ it's an open smile on a friendly shore ♪
♪ yes, love ♪
♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪
Julie: Enjoy your cruise.
Girl dummy: Try to stay sober.
Julie: Ah, that's just part of the entertainment this trip.
Isaac: Hey, Patty, how are you two doing?
Patty: Oh, we couldn't be better, Isaac.
Dummy: Speak for yourself. I got this funny feeling inside me.
Patty: It's my hand, dummy.
Julie: Hey, where's your husband? Aren't you two still a team?
Dummy: They have separate bedrooms. His is in New York. Hers is in New Jersey.
Julie: I'm sorry.
Dummy: We only took this gig with him because it was booked a year in advance.
But it's the last time we work together.
Boy dummy: See, I told you not to worry. I told you they'd be here.
Girl dummy: Uh-oh. I think i'm going to have an attack of poison oak.
P.a. voice: Captain stubing to the bridge please. Captain stubing to the bridge.
Doc: Very nice.
Gopher: Oh, thank you. I have this new barber...
Doc: Hi, there.
Gopher: Oh.
Judy: Hi. I'm Judy Barrett.
And this is my fiancé, Gary Gage.
Doc: Oh...
Gopher: Welcome aboard.
Judy: Thanks. Has my sister, joanie, checked in yet?
Gopher: Not yet, no.
Doc: Is your sister as beautiful as you?
Judy: Exactly.
Doc: Really?
Gary: And her fiancé is almost as cute as I am.
Doc: How nice for all of you.
Gopher: Ah, your sister still hasn't checked in yet.
Joanie: She must have. She left the house an hour before I did.
Ted: Don't worry about it. We'll find her. Just check me and my fiancée in.
Doc: But aren't you engaged to...
Judy: There they are.
Gopher: Oh, the gang's all here.
Judy: Joanie!
Joanie: Judy!
Captain: Why you must be the happy foursome.
Captain: Well, I'm delighted to tell you I just received confirmation.
All arrangements have been completed for your
double wedding in romantic puerto vallarta.
Gopher: Ah, congratulations joanie, Judy.
Doc: No, no, no. That's Judy.
Gopher: How can you be so sure?
Doc: Well, it's easy. You're always wrong.
Captain: Gopher, remind me to give you a class in deductive reasoning.
Joanie is with Ted, and Judy is with Gary.
Congratulations.
Gary: Thank you.
Captain: Care to join me, doctor?
Ashley: It isn't my fault you forgot to bring your good jeans.
Courtney: It is too. You ironed them and hung 'em in the stupid closet.
Jack: All right. Come on now, girls.
Ashley: No one cares what a twelve year old looks like anyway.
Courtney: Yes, they do!
Jack: Girls, you're driving your old man up the wall, okay?
Courtney: I'm gonna tell dad what you did.
Ashley: You better not.
Courtney: She kissed a boy.
Ashley: I did not. You're a filthy snitch.
Jack: Come on now, kids. For cryin' out loud, cut it out.
Ashley: She blames me for everything.
Courtney: She made me forget my good jeans and she kissed a boy.
Julie: Hold it.
Now you can't blame your sister for something you forgot.
And kissing's all right, as long as you don't do it with just anybody.
Now shake hands and don't let me see you fighting again, or i'm gonna
feed you to my giant man-eating guppy.
Shake hands.
Well, welcome aboard the Princess, ladies.
Jack: You're terrific.
Julie: Oh, thank you.
Uh, my own adolescence lasted quite a long time and, I understand girls.
Jack: Well, thanks a lot. I mean, you really are terrific.
Julie: Well, you must be an old adolescent yourself.
Jack: Oh yes, that's for sure.
Well...see you later.
Julie: Uh-huh.
Have a nice cruise.
Jack: Thank you.
Girls: Bye.
Julie: Bye.
Doc: Nice lookin' family, huh?
Julie: Yes, isn't he.
Isaac: Don't worry. It's easy.
The lady with the hat gets the drink with the parasol.
Now, I may mix my drinks, but I never mix up my customers.
Captain: Mr. Ashton, you're in luck.
I just called puerto vallarta as you suggested, and booked the mariachi band for the wedding.
Ted: Fantastic! All right.
Captain: And it isn't just any mariachi band. Los compadres De la playa.
Twenty-five pieces. Trumpets, violins, the works.
Ted: Arriba!
Judy: Ole!
Joanie: Ted! It's my wedding, too.
Ted: Well, wh-what's wrong?
Joanie: I mean, couldn't you consult me?
Ted: Well, I thought you'd like it.
Gary: I was thinking of something a little more quiet and romantic, too.
Like, say one guitar.
Joanie: That would be perfect.
Captain: Well, I'm sorry. I'll just cancel the band.
Ted: Are you kidding? Los compadres?
You guys are gonna love 'em. They're fantastic!
[Singing and dancing]
Hey!
Oh, thank you.
Isaac: Ah, here we go.
Two gin and tonics and a drink with the parasol for the lady in the...
Captain: Isaac, don't tell me you're still confused.
Now this is Ted. This is Gary and...These are joanie and Judy.
Patty: You've got the oddest texture hair.
Girl dummy: It's a wig.
Don't you feel dumb talking to a piece of wood?
Patty: Now that you mention it.
Boy dummy: Oh, it's your wife.
Michael: I recognize her.
Girl dummy: I thought he was supposed to switch the tickets. Get separate cabins.
Michael: I guess nobody told 'em that uh, every cabin was booked.
Boy dummy: And I'm not sleeping in a lifeboat. It could've been my sister.
Michael: Well, we'll just have to stay here and make the best of it.
Girl dummy: How can you make the best of something that's the worst?
Patty: If they can stand it, I guess we can too.
Girl dummy: Speak for yourself. I'd rather have termites.
Michael: Well, what do you say we get something to eat?
Boy dummy: If anyone cares to join us, we'll be in the dining room.
Michael: Right.
Gopher: Good evening.
Isaac: Good evening.
Doc: Good evening.....
Who's the new girl?
Isaac: I don't know, but she sure is stuck-up.
Doc: Yeah.
Gopher: You boys figure she's spoken for?
Isaac: Oh, no, no, no, no...But I think she'd like to be.
Doc: Ah, that explains it.
Look how casually she's looking around the room.
Gopher: Indifferent yet conspicuous.
Isaac: Mmm, very well put.
Gopher: Thank you.
Julie: Hi, Ted. Hi, Gary.
Ted: Hi.
Gary: Hi, Julie.
Julie: Hi...Guys.
Oh, excuse me.
Yes? Well, hi. Where's your sparring partner?
Courtney: Oh, over there with daddy.
Julie: Oh.
Courtney: He sent me over to invite you to have dinner with us.
Julie: Oh, he did?
Courtney: Yup.
Julie: Well, I think I'd love to.
Courtney: Come on.
Julie: Thanks.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Jack: Hi.
Julie: Hey, neat impression. Dick Van dyke or Chevy chase?
Jack: Just klutzy me.
Julie: Oh.
Well, thank you for the invitation.
Ashley: That's his good suit.
Courtney: New shirt.
Ashley: Shaved twice.
Courtney: Shined his shoes.
Ashley: I wonder why.
We're gonna get some dessert from the buffet and then go out on deck.
Come on, Courtney.
Courtney: Bye, dad.
Julie: Dessert. You didn't invite me to dinner at all, did you? You've already eaten.
Jack: Well, I-I certainly would have invited you if...You'd just gotten here a little earlier.
Julie: Oh.
Jack: Have a seat.
Julie: Thank you.
Jack: By the way...Jack chenault.
Julie: Julie McCoy.
Jack: How do you do?
Julie: Terrific. How do you do?
Jack: Terrific.
Julie: Oh.
Jack: I really would have invited you earlier.
I wanted to, but...I didn't have the nerve.
I'm glad my daughters have no shame.
While I'm rolling, I've got another confession to make.
I did shave twice and shine my shoes and put on my good shirt and my new suit 'cause...
I hoped I'd run into you.
Julie: Really?
Well, then I have something to tell you.
The last time I wore this dress I thought that Robert redford was gonna be on board.
I put it on tonight because I...
Jack: Robert redford's on board?
Julie: I thought I'd run into you.
Jack: No kidding?
Julie: No kidding.
Jack: Well, that's terrific.
Just...
Julie: Terrific.
Michael: Oh, excuse me. Could you get me a waiter, please? I uh, have to do a show.
Doc: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure your waiter thought you were waiting for someone.
Michael: Well I am, but I don't think the kitchen stays open that late.
Gopher: Where have you been?
Julie: I...I had a long dessert.
Gopher: I had to introduce the act myself.
Julie: You did? Well good work, gopher. Carry on.
Girl dummy: I hate to shock you, but I didn't go to dinner. I was in the cabin.
Boy dummy: Is that right?
Patty: Yeah.
Michael: How come?
Patty: I'd rather eat with a dummy than a dummy.
Boy dummy: Is that a knock?
Michael: Well, if it's not, it's a very good try.
Boy dummy: Listen, I ordered pickled herring especially for you.
Girl dummy: Pickled herring? If I were there, I wouldn't eat it with her mouth.
Boy dummy: What do you mean, if you were there? Didn't I kiss you at dinner?
Girl dummy: I was in the cabin.
Boy dummy: Don't tell me you were in the cabin. We kissed.
Girl dummy: Well, you must have awfully long lips to stretch all the way down to the cabin.
Boy dummy: Well, if I didn't kiss you, who did I kiss?
Girl dummy: Maybe it was a chair.
Boy dummy: You're right. It did seem more passionate than usual.
Girl dummy: I hope you remember which chair it was.
Because she's your date for the rest of the cruise.
Goodnight.
Ted: Great.
Captain: Terrific act.
Ted: Oh, captain, could you take this Rose please? My fiancé's allergic.
Captain: Well, of course.
Ted: Thanks.
Captain: Excuse me. It's just part of my job.
Joanie: It's a good thing Judy's not allergic.
It's one of the few ways you guys can tell us apart.
Ted: Well, here's to the other ways.
Gary: Uh, what other ways?
Ted: Well, that's it for me. I'm gonna get some sleep.
Joanie: Me, too.
Ted: You guys are kidding. The night is young. Let's go.
Joanie: Sorry, honey, i'm bushed.
Judy: Oh, come on, you guys. Don't be party poopers.
Joanie: Judy, you party, i'm pooped.
Ted: Future sister-in-law, let's show these guys some dancin'.
Right.
Ted: You know what? You and I ought to be an item. We got all the moves.
Judy: Oh, Gary's a heavy dancer.
I should know. He does most of his dancing on my feet.
Jack: You sure you wouldn't rather be dancing?
Julie: Hm-hm. Would you?
Jack: No, I, I'd rather...
Julie: What?
Jack: I'd rather be kissing you.
Julie: Oh.
Jack: Well, look, I'm not one of those guys who thinks that just,
any girl wants to be grabbed, especially by me.
I mean the moment has to be right and, and the indicators have to be there.
Julie: Indicators?
Jack: Well, sure. Oh, you...You can tell when a girl wants to be kissed.
Julie: Is that so? How do you tell?
Jack: Well, there's a certain receptiveness you can sense.
Julie: Oh, I see.
Like when a girl's leaning on you, establishing physical contact,
putting her face very close to yours.
Jack: Yes. Right. Along those lines, yes.
Julie: Well, what do you do when you get these indicators? When you sense this receptiveness?
Jack: Well, you have to understand I, I was married for a long time and...
And I didn't go in a lot for trying things out with new girls, so I'm rusty.
But...the instincts are still there.
It's like riding a bicycle. You never really forget how to sense this receptiveness.
So what you have to do is....
Julie: Shut up and kiss him. How's that?
Jack: Yeah. You just have to...Shut up.
Julie: Ah, you must have been a helluva bicycle rider.
Jack: Ah, you better believe it.
Gary: Oh boy, fantastic.
You know, joanie,
I'm gonna get out of the city and find a little shack on a beach someplace.
Do you think Judy'd like that?
Joanie: She'd be crazy if she didn't.
Sometimes I wish I were more like Judy. You know the life of the party.
Gary: Oh, don't knock yourself. You're a terrific person. And I'm a lucky guy.
Not only do I get to marry the one and only girl of my dreams,
but I get a great sister-in-law as well.
Joanie: Thanks, Gary. That's a sweet thing to say. If, if only Ted...
Gary: Ted? Look, Ted's Ted. He's wild and that's why we love him.
You're gettin' a great guy, joanie.
Joanie: Yeah.
Captain: Ah, good evening, Gary, Judy.
Joanie: Joanie.
Captain: Then you must be Ted.
Gary: Uh, Gary.
Captain: Ah, I'll never get them straight.
Goodnight, doc.
Doc: Gopher.
Michael: Why are you laughing? I didn't say anything.
Patty: Feed them pickled herring. Can you beat that? I hate pickled herring.
Girl dummy: Yeah.
Patty: How can you remember everything I hate and nothing I love?
Boy dummy: He remembers everything.
She loves watching old tear-jerker movies on t.V.
She loves eating pizza in bed. She loves the smell of the city after a summer rain.
She loves buying useless gadgets from mail order catalogues.
She loves huddling close on cold winter mornings.
Girl dummy: She loves you.
Michael: Who said that? You or the dummy?
Girl dummy: It was her.
Isaac: Nice to have a little time to yourself sometime, isn't it.
I really like your girls.
Jack: Well, Julie's not really my girl.
Matter of fact, I just met her today.
She sure is nice though.
Isaac: Ah.I said girls...Ashley, Courtney.
Jack: Oh. Oh, my girls.
Yes.
Thank you. I like 'em too.
I mean, I love 'em.
Isaac: Yeah. They're dynamite.
I like Julie, too. I mean I wouldn't call Julie a girl.
I mean I'd call that a...A woman.
Jack: Oh, yeah, she certainly is that, all right.
A very lovely woman, too.
I suppose, you two must be very good friends by now, huh?
Isaac: Oh, yeah, uh, about three years.
Jack: Uh, a girl like that, I mean, a woman like that...
Must be a lot of guys chasing after her.
Isaac: Phew. A whole bunch.
But there's a big difference between chasing and catching.
Jack: Oh, sure. Well, a woman in her position has to be very careful.
With so many men on board on vacation, looking to have a good time.
Isaac: Yeah, but I...I wouldn't worry about Julie. I mean, she's very careful.
Jack: Good.
Isaac: Besides, the captain, doc, gopher and I, we're always there to keep an eye on her.
You know?
You're crazy about her, aren't you?
Jack: Well, I only just met her and I hardly...
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
Isaac: That one's on me. Good luck.
Ashley: Alaska's far out. In the summertime it never gets dark.
You can play outside till three o'clock in the morning.
Courtney: And the stuff we grow in our garden gets just huge. Lettuce this big.
Julie: Well, maybe.
Jack: It's true. All that sunshine. It's fantastic.
Isaac: How would you guys like one of my super special bloody Marys?
Ashley: Ahh...Thanks anyway, Isaac, but I think we'll stick to our milk.
Jack: I've heard about your bloody Marys, Isaac.
It's seven-thirty in the morning. If I have one of those I won't make it to eight.
Julie: So...How 'bout the winters?
Ashley: Oh, it's great. Sometimes it gets to fifteen above in the day.
Courtney: And you hook your car into a heater every night so the engine doesn't freeze.
Julie: Are you guys on the chamber of commerce payroll or something?
Courtney: Let's go get another Danish.
Julie: Another one?
They certainly are enthusiastic about Alaska.
Jack: I think it's you they're enthusiastic about.
Julie: Well, I'll just have to try to make it up there one of these days.
Jack: Julie, when my wife died, i, never thought I'd say this to another woman...
And after knowing somebody for one day, it's preposterous, but...
But I love you.
Julie: Jack.
Jack: I'm not some romantic kid who doesn't know when he's in love or not.
I...i know when I'm in love.
Julie: Jack.
Jack: You know, you're not being very cooperative.
When one dope says I love you, the other dope is supposed to say I love you, too.
Julie: I love you, too.
Jack: You do?
Really?
No kidding?
Julie: No kidding.
Ashley: Julie, Isaac said we can't have a fifth Danish unless you say so.
Courtney: And please we're growing kids.
Julie: Okay, but if you don't finish your Danish, no ice cream.
Be right back.
Captain: Now, that makes a pleasant picture.
You know, something Julie? You'd make a wonderful mother.
Patty: Michael?
Patty: Why can't it always be like last night?
Michael: Well, I guess because sooner or later you have to get out of bed.
Patty: That's right. In bed you don't have to talk.
Michael: Did you hear that?
Boy dummy: Of course I heard it. What do you think these things on the side of my head are?
Seashells?
Michael: I think she's insinuating that I don't like to talk.
Boy dummy: Is she kidding? I can't get you to stop.
If you ask me, she's the one who never says what's on her mind.
Patty: Me?
Michael: Well, he said it, I didn't.
Boy dummy: She is hard to reach.
Patty: Am I hard to reach? Am I?
Girl dummy: (Whispers)
Boy dummy: Don't whisper. Say it out loud.
Girl dummy: I said, why pay attention to a log and a bump on a log?
Boy dummy: That's you. You always fight back with an insult.
Girl dummy: I have to. That's all you understand.
Boy dummy: Women. They're all the same.
Girl dummy: We are not. You just bring out the worst in me.
Boy dummy: Well, there's certainly plenty to go around.
Girl dummy: You're horrible. Last night you were so loving and today you're hateful.
Boy dummy: Well, you know what they say. There's a fine line between love and hate.
Girl dummy: That's what they say! But I don't! Let's get out of here.
Patty: Whatever you say.
Judy: Joanie?
Joanie: Yeah?
Judy: You awake?
Joanie: I guess so. I just said yeah.
Judy: Happy wedding day.
Joanie: Same to you.
Judy?
Judy: Yeah?
Joanie: I can't go through with it.
Judy: That's just nerves.
Joanie: How do you know?
Judy: 'Cause I feel the same way you do.
Joanie: Nerves.
Judy: Nerves.
Either that or we don't want to get married.
Joanie: I've got nothing against getting married.
Judy: Me neither.
Joanie: So how come we've got nerves?
Judy: Probably because we're marrying the wrong guys.
Joanie: Ted and Gary are nice. Who else are we gonna marry?
Judy: I mean, we've got the wrong guys.
You should marry Gary. I should marry Ted.
Joanie: Yes.
Judy: You think so, too?
Joanie: Why didn't you say something?
Judy: I don't know. It's so obvious.
I mean, you and Gary have everything in common the same with me and Ted.
Joanie: Maybe if we'd had longer engagements we would have found this out in time.
Judy: There's still time. Let's tell the guys.
Joanie: Are you crazy? It's our wedding day.
Judy: You're right.
We don't have to tell the guys. All we have to do is switch places and they'll never know.
Joanie: You are crazy.
Judy: It worked all through school, exams, the senior prom, the school psychologist.
Joanie: Yeah, we almost drove him nuts.
Judy: It'll work.
Isn't it better than spending your whole life with the wrong guy?
Doc: Nervous, fellows?
Gary: Ah, sure. You don't get married every day, you know.
Isaac: Doc does.
Joanie: Good luck, Judy.
Judy: Good luck, joanie. That's the last time I'll be calling you that.
Julie: Hey, there they are.
Doc: Ahh...
[Singing]
What're you doing?
Gopher: Well, I couldn't find any rice, so I'm throwing pistachio nuts.
Ted: Joanie, darling, you look beautiful.
Joanie: I'm Judy.
Ted: Well, I'm glad we found out now, rather than later.
Captain: Wait. I want to take a wedding picture.
Doc: I've got four sets of my own I could let you have.
Ashley: Aren't their wedding dresses pretty, Julie?
Julie: Oh, they sure are.
Courtney: Bet you'd make a beautiful bride.
Gopher: Oh, I almost forgot.
There you go.
Judy: They're beautiful. Thank you.
Joanie: Yes, they're...Achooo. Achoo.
Captain: Good. Now I know who's who. The one with the allergy is joanie.
Gary: No, that's Judy.
Judy: Achoo, achoo.
Joanie: I guess I'm just getting a cold.
Gary: That's good. For a minute there I thought we had the wrong girls.
Captain: All right, everybody. Say cheese.
Ted: Gorgonzola.
Alright, so long.
All: Good luck.
See you later.
Bye.
Boy dummy: Very funny. Very funny.
You sure know how to hurt a guy.
Girl dummy: Hurt you? How can you hurt someone with a heart of stone?
Michael: I thought you were made out of wood?
Isaac: They're almost real.
Boy dummy: Almost real?
How many guys do you know who have someone's hand stuck through their back?
Girl dummy: It'd be easier to stick their hands through your head.
There's nothing between your two ears.
Boy dummy: Hey, how 'bout a little kiss?
Girl dummy: No.
Boy dummy: How 'bout a little hug?
Girl dummy: No!
Boy dummy: How 'bout a little love, huh?
Girl dummy: No!
Boy dummy: Well then...How 'bout a little divorce?
Michael: I...I think you hurt Patty's feelings, you know.
Divorce is nothing to joke about.
Girl dummy: Right. But their marriage is.
What difference does it make if they get divorced anyway?
Boy dummy: Well, it means a lot to me. I can get into some serious fooling around.
Michael: Sorry about my friend. He...He doesn't think too much before he speaks.
Patty: It's okay. It's just a strange way to hear that you want a divorce.
I mean we never talked about it before.
Michael: Well, I just thought I'd throw it in as part of the act, you know.
Patty: Are you kidding?
Our whole marriage has been part of the act. I suggest we leave the divorce stuff in.
Michael: What do you think of that?
Yeah, me too.
Julie: I'll have the button sewed on your sweater by dinner and I'll give it to you then.
Ashley: Well, we'll watch you sew.
Julie: No.
Courtney: Yeah, me too.
I bet you stick yourself with the needle.
Julie: Well, if I do, I'll show you the hole in my finger later.
Now off you go.
Courtney: Mmm...
Julie: Hey, your father probably thinks you've disowned him. I'll see you later.
Courtney: Bye.
Julie: Bye.
Isaac: Hi, mom.
Julie: Mom.
Julie (v.O.): Mom, the button you sewed on my sweater came off again.
Mom, it's time to take me to girl scouts.
Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom, we don't like broccoli.
Mom, why haven't you ironed my jeans?
Mom, why are you so upset and miserable?
It's because your daddy is the sexiest, most wonderful man I ever met.
And probably the best kisser in the whole world.
The kids are great...But it's all happening so fast.
I'm not ready for it.
Just too damn young to have grown-up children.
Julie: Hi.
Jack: Hey, we were just about to send out a search party. We missed you at dinner.
Courtney: Did you sew on my button?
Julie: I sure did. See?
Jack, I'm sorry about dinner, but something came up.
The captain needed to see me. Some sort of emergency or something and...
Jack: No problem. Better late than never.
Julie: Oh...Well you see, that's why I came down to talk to you.
I'm not finished working yet.
Jack: Oh, that's all right. We'll be around.
Just look for a guy with the silly grin on his face.
Julie: Okay. I'll find you.
Jack: Fine.
Doc/isaac: Good evening.
Gopher: Good evening.
Julie: Well, a lot you know.
Doc: Now there, my boys, is a woman in love.
Gopher: Golly, professor, how can you tell?
Doc: Well, she has all the symptoms.
She is so testy, mean, evasive, shifty-eyed,
and walks around like she's going somewhere, which we all know she ain't.
And scared to death.
Gopher: Hey, all right.
Doc: Congratulations.
Ted: Thank you.
I'll be right back, joanie darling.
Gary: We'll go get the champagne. I love you, Judy.
Joanie: Thanks a heap, Judy. You didn't tell me Gary wanted six kids.
Judy: I love kids. You didn't tell me Ted didn't want his wife to work.
Joanie: So you'll give up your career.
Judy: I will not.
Captain: Oh, congratulations.
Isee you're wearing different wedding bands.
Well, finally I can tell you apart.
Ah, you are...
Joanie: Uh, Jo...Judy.
Captain: Ah, Judy, joanie.
Now I'll never forget. Congratulations again.
Judy, joanie.
Joanie: What are we gonna do? We goofed. We shouldn't have switched.
Judy: I know. But what can we do? We're married now.
Joanie: Legally bound.
Judy: Bound is right.
Wait a minute.
Your husband thinks he's married to Judy, and that's me.
And my husband thinks he's married to joanie, and that's you.
Joanie: We can't.
Judy: All we have to do is switch back to our regular names,
then we'll match the marriage licenses and we'll each be with the right guy.
Joanie: It's illegal.
Judy: Joanie, it's like driving sixty in a fifty five mile zone.
It's only illegal if you get caught.
Joanie: Okay we'll do it.
Ted: Hey, did you miss us?
Judy/joanie: Oh, yes.
Captain: I finally figured out a way to tell your wives apart.
Ah, may I see the rings?
Joanie. Judy.
All: Right!
Julie: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very talented twosome,
i should say foursome with us tonight.
I'm sure you already know them, they've been entertaining you since the cruise began.
So let's have a very warm welcome for pat and Mike, the harmons.
Michael: Good evening.
Patty: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Boy dummy: Gentlemen? I guess that's us.
Girl dummy: That'll be the day.
Boy dummy: She's starting on me again.
Michael: Well, uh, maybe she's only picking on you because she loves you.
Girl dummy: That'll be another day.
Michael: Well, what does she got against you?
Girl dummy: I've got nothin' against you. And I've got nothing for you either.
It doesn't matter. This is the last time we'll be seeing each other.
Boy dummy: Huh?
Girl dummy: Michael wants to get a divorce. Isn't that right?
Patty: That's what I heard.
Boy dummy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't work together, does it?
Girl dummy: I hate to tell you this, but we only say what they tell us to.
Boy dummy: Nooo...
Girl dummy: If they've got nothing left to say to each other...
Boy dummy: They've got lots to say to each other, but they just can't say it.
Things like I'm sorry I never listened.
I'm sorry I took you for granted.
I'm sorry I was more interested in getting laughs than I was in us.
Patty: Things like I don't know how I'm gonna live without you. Oh, please.
Girl dummy: Please, can't we give it another try?
Why, Michael, you're crying.
Boy dummy: What's the matter? You never seen a guy cry before?
You think we got ice water in our veins?
Girl dummy: Sap.
Michael: Sap is right.
I'm the only sap in the crowd.
Hey look, Patty, let's not throw away everything.
I mean...I...I still love you.
Patty: Oh, Michael.
Boy dummy: Nice goin', kid. We're no dummies.
Patty: Couldn't resist, could you?
Michael: The only thing I can't resist is you.
Ashley: Julie?
Julie: Oh, well, hi there. How's every little thing?
Ashley: Okay, I guess. How's every little thing with you?
Julie: Me? Terrific. Couldn't be better.
Courtney: You've been avoiding us.
Julie: Nonsense. Avoiding you?
Ashley: Julie, would you like us to tell you a story?
Julie: Sure.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
Ashley: Well, you see, it's about my aunt Kathy.
Julie: Hm-hm.
Ashley: She got married to uncle frank when she was seventeen years old,
and had all these little babies.
Courtney: Only four.
They're our cousins.
Ashley: Well, now she's old. Thirty maybe. And she lives with the rock band.
Julie: Yeah? Well, where are her kids?
Ashley: They live with uncle frank.
Do you know why she went away and lives with the rock band?
Julie: Why?
Courtney: 'Cause she never got to be a young person.
That's what she told daddy.
Well, anyway, I guess that's why you're getting cold feet...
About marrying daddy and coming to live with us in Alaska.
Being our mother.
Julie: Yeah, that's me. Old cold feet Julie.
Ah, listen, you guys are great and I'm crazy about you.
And I'm especially mad about your father. I...
I just wish that...
Ashley: That he didn't have us.
Julie: No, no.
No. I just don't want to have a whole family all at the same time.
I want a gradual family.
I want to be a young person for a while longer.
Courtney: I love you.
Julie: Oh....
Jack: Gee, when a girl breaks up with a guy's kids, it's...
Julie: Oh, Jack.
I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
Jack: You know I think I'll be glad to go back to work.
Falling in love is exhausting.
Julie: I know. Jack...
Jack: You don't have to say a word.
I don't want to tie anybody down unless that person wants to be tied down.
Julie: Jack you're a wonderful man, and I care about you a great deal.
Jack: Well, that's something we have in common, because I care a great deal for you, too.
You want to go inside and have a drink?
Julie: No.
Jack: A little dancing?
Midnight buffet?
Julie: Hm.
Hey, don't tell me you've run out of ideas.
Gopher: Goodbye.
Boy, I'm glad you two guys had a change of heart.
Boy dummy: And a change of address.
Girl dummy: At least he is. He's moving in with us again.
Gopher: Ah. Then we'll be seeing the team of pat and Mike again, huh?
Patty: Oh, not if it's a cold winter.
Michael: We'll be too busy keeping warm.
Boy dummy: That looks like fun. Wanna try it?
Girl dummy: I'm game.
Boy dummy: Timber. Wheee...
Gopher: I bet they'd rather have children.
Captain: Goodbye. I hope we see you all again soon.
Doc: The next time under happier circumstances.
Captain: At least now I know how to tell you apart.
Isaac: Oh, that's easy...
That's Gary and that's Ted.
Captain: I have a better idea.
Here. Never take those off. Now that should do it.
Judy: Sorry, captain.
Doc: You haven't lost it, merrill.
Captain: Would you get out of here.
All: Bye bye...
Ashley: It was nice meeting you.
Julie: Oh, it was wonderful meeting you.
Courtney: Julie?
Julie: Hm-hm?
Courtney: I...I wish you were coming with us.
Julie: Oh...
Ashley: Courtney shut up. She has a big mouth.
I was just gonna say, if you ever get to Alaska, look us up.
Julie: I will.
Ashley: Oh, Julie, I wish you were coming with us.
Courtney: Will the real big mouth please stand up.
Julie: I love you.
Ashley: I love you.
Ashley: Bye, Julie.
Julie: I love you.
Courtney: I love you. I'm gonna miss you.
Jack: Julie...Maybe we...
Julie: Oh, Jack, no.
Jack: Yeah.
Well...
Julie: If you ever get to la again, maybe you could look me up.
Jack: Sure.
If you ever get up to Alaska...
Julie: You know that's not altogether impossible.
We have cruises. And I could get on one of them accidentally...Maybe on purpose.
Jack: Sure.
Well, if you do...Look me up.
Julie: Yeah.
Bye.