[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]
Theme song: Love, exciting and new, come aboard.
We're expecting you.
And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow.
It floats back to you.
The love boat soon will be making another run.
The love boat promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.
And love won't hurt anymore.
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
It's love.
Welcome aboard!
It's love!
Sir, please!
Isn't there anything that you can do about Julie?
She's driving us crazy.
Gopher, try to understand.
This isn't an ordinary cruise to her.
It's her high school reunion, and she
wants everything to be perfect.
Oh!
Good morning!
I can't afford any mix ups.
So if you please recheck your cabin assignments.
And are you sure that you made enough punch
for the welcome alumni party?
Oh, well.
I would have made a bigger batch,
but I didn't want to leave a ring around the pool.
We're expecting a lot of wild parties.
Now are you sure that you're set up to handle them?
I'll try.
But I can only go to one at a time.
Gentlemen, be serious.
Oh, captain stubing?
It is almost boarding time.
Shouldn't you be on the bridge checking your charts?
Of course.
Anything else, captain McCoy?
No, not right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm letting all this reunion stuff go to my head.
Now I promise from now on, I will be cool, calm,
and collected.
Oh, it looks like your classmates are boarding.
Where?
Oh!
[Inaudible] Let's give a cheer for Haley high!
Hey, man, I know you.
You're Ross Randall, right?
Right.
Jason markham.
- Hi. - Pete DeLuca.
Hi.
You were in the same class as my sister, weren't you?
You're Rosemary's kid brother, the one that never--
if you don't stop necking, I'm going to tell mom!
You're the one.
Got your own series, huh?
Far out.
Now don't embarrass me by asking for an autograph.
I'm the same lovable, talented Ross Randall
you knew back in school.
Oh.
We always knew you'd make it.
And we always knew you'd never change.
Please, please-- don't touch the star.
Excuse me.
Wendy?
Julie?
Oh, hi!
You look terrific.
You look great!
Thank you.
Well, where's Tom?
Oh, we broke up months ago.
You did?
You were practically engaged!
What happened?
Well, I don't know.
You know, Tom's real practical.
You know?
I mean, he's real careful, you know?
He's a real stick in the mud.
You know?
I need a little more romance in my life.
Well, if I know you, you'll find it.
Well, should I let you in on a little secret?
Oh, please.
I think I've already found it.
No.
I have an anonymous admirer on this cruise.
Has anyone been looking for me?
Not yet, no.
Well, somebody sent me the ticket.
I didn't buy it.
And it came with this note attached.
Let me see.
Come sail with me.
Let's share romance.
And in each other's arms, we'll fly.
If you won't give my heart a chance,
I'll hold my breath until I die.
Oh, that's fantastic!
To think, on this boat somewhere
is my prince charming.
Yeah!
Good luck.
[Laughs] I'll see you later.
Wow.
Hi, Wendy.
Oh, Tom.
Hi.
You're not going on this cruise, are you?
Oh, no.
I wish I was.
But you know, i'm saving every penny to--
(in unison) --Open my own office.
I just came to see you off.
Oh.
Thanks.
Yeah.
And I brought these for you.
Tom!
Thank you.
How sweet.
Have a nice cruise.
Thank you!
Oh, and thanks for the flowers.
They're beautiful.
You're welcome.
Well, have you met your sexy phys ed teacher yet?
No, and I hope she doesn't cancel out.
How come you're so excited about a blind date?
Oh, this is no ordinary blind date.
When Julie showed me bitsy's picture in the yearbook,
I practically popped my thermometer.
Ooh, man.
She doesn't teach physical education.
She is physical education.
And I can't wait for class to begin.
Oh, boy.
Look who's here.
I'm looking.
I must go down to the seas again,
to the lonely sea and the sky.
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.
Well, gentlemen.
I use the term loosely, very loosely.
If it ain't Mr. Dwyer.
Ain't?
I flunked you in English, didn't I, DeLuca?
Uh, yeah.
Good.
Mr. Dwyer!
Hi.
Tell me this gorgeous creature isn't
dimples McCoy, heavenly heartbreaker of Haley high.
A Rose by any other name.
Oh, you're like a great wine.
You've improved with age.
Thank you.
Captain, this is Mr. Malcolm dwyer.
He was in charge of our English department
and directed all of our plays and musicals.
They were terrific.
Then how come we never got to Broadway?
[Laughs] May I introduce my skipper, captain stubing?
It's my pleasure.
Confidentially, I was a performer myself
when I was in high school.
Yes, Gilbert and Sullivan--
I'm very, very good and be it understood.
I commander a right good crew.
(Singing together) He's very, very good.
And be it understood, he commanders a right good crew.
[Applause]
Any friend of mine is a friend of Gilbert and Sullivan's.
My sentiments exactly.
Oh, well, it's almost time to cast off.
Would you be kind enough to be my guest up on the bridge?
Oh.
Thank you.
But I'd better find my cabin and get unpacked.
Oh, but Mr. Dwyer, it is an honor.
Oh.
Thank you!
Another time, perhaps?
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Hm.
Oh, Jack.
I'm really glad we came.
Oh, me, too.
I can't wait to meet the old gang.
I hope Mike made it.
Hi.
- You guys part of the reunion? - Yes.
Jack and Kathy Forbes.
Hi.
Let's see.
Oh, we already have our cabin assignment.
Say, we're looking for a Mike Kelly.
Have you seen him?
Oh, Mike Kelly? Sure.
Right over there.
Yeah.
I heard he was quite a war hero, Vietnam.
Oh, no.
Jack.
Is something wrong?
Uh-- no.
We'll see you later.
Thank you.
Well, I think we're all aboard.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Hey, everybody!
Hey, everybody.
How about we give a cheer for our old Alma mater?
[Cheering]
[Crowd reciting school cheer] [Inaudible] Let's give
a cheer for Haley high!
[Cheering]
Well, if you can't beat them, join them.
Yay, Haley!
[Crowd cheering] Yay!
[Horn sounding]
- Hey! - Julie!
- Joey! - Hey.
Hi.
Whoa, it's great seeing you.
You look terrific.
Thanks.
So how's your family?
Your folks still got the butcher shop and everything?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Good. How's your dad?
Is he well?
Yeah, he's fine.
He's a little disappointed that I didn't
go into business with him.
No?
Well, I'm a dancer now.
Hey, that's terrific.
Yeah, it's nothing really.
I just teach disco and give exhibitions.
And I'm his partner.
Remember me?
Sherry! Of course.
Hi!
Hey, I could forget who was the best dancer in school, you.
I might have forgotten who was the head cheerleader, you.
But I could never forget who stole him from me, you.
It's terrible being nothing but a sex object.
[Laughter]
So catch me up on the news.
You two uh-- - no!
--Married?
We're just a team.
Quite a team.
Oh.
Well, great.
Listen, I've got some work to do.
So why don't we all get together and talk later?
Ok? - Sure.
Great. We got to unpack anyway.
All right. Fine.
Nice seeing you.
See you later.
She looks terrific, doesn't she?
Yeah, swell.
Julie?
Julie McCoy? - Yes.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
You sure can.
Let me give you a hint.
Allagaroo!
Allagari!
Let's all cheer for Haley high!
Bitsy!
That's right!
And it's ok.
Nobody recognizes me these days.
Well, you're looking--
I'm looking even more so, right?
[Laughter]
Well, it has been 10 years.
And in my case, they weren't exactly lean years.
[Laughs]
Excuse me a second, fellows.
I can't wait any longer.
Where's my phys ed teacher?
Well, you're looking at her.
Bitsy, this is doc.
Hi.
Bitsy?
Well, of course.
I recognized your lovely face from the yearbook.
Yeah?
My body's in volume 2.
[Laughter]
So that's doc's dreamboat.
Dreamboat, nothing-- the whole fleet's in.
Beautiful day.
You know, Ross, we had television in the hospital
all the time.
Sure did a lot for me.
Hey, you really mean that?
Well, I kept telling myself--
I've got to get out of here.
Hey, Ross.
Tell me something.
What's it-- what's it really like in Hollywood?
Between you and me?
It is fantastic.
Yeah?
Swinging parties, three girls to every guy,
wild carryings on till 3:00, 4:00 o'clock in the morning.
And this goes on every night of the week.
Far in.
I just wish I could have gotten myself invited to one.
You can't spend the whole reunion avoiding Mike Kelly.
Kathy, he was my closest friend.
We did everything together.
How am I going to tell him that I
bailed out and went to Canada?
But you went to Canada for a reason you believed in.
You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Tell that to Mike.
The Vietnam war was wrong, and you know it.
You paid your debt.
How can you compare sweeping the floors in a Miami hospital
to the kind of debt that Mike paid?
The government made you do two years of alternate service.
We had no friends.
We had no money when we went to Canada, but we made it work.
We built the business with our own two hands.
That's something to be proud of.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I forget how far we've come.
Jack, for once, let's enjoy what we have together.
All right.
Listen.
I'm going to have to face Mike sooner or later.
Stay close, huh?
Isaac.
Hey, how are you doing, Mr. Randall?
Fine.
Let me have four beers.
Ah, you got it-- coming right up.
Uno, dos, uno, dos, tres--
Mr. Dwyer.
Isaac, a drink for my old English teacher.
I was young till I had you as a student.
I teach English.
I drink scotch.
Scotch it is.
All right.
Half a glass?
Oh, we scotch are thrifty.
We scotch are thirsty.
Well, Malcolm--
Mr. Dwyer-- how are you and the drama
club getting along without me?
The drama club has suffered.
But I personally have not had a headache in 10 years.
You know, Randall, you were the best
Hamlet our school ever had.
Well, thank you, sir.
I appreciate that.
You were a very good teacher.
So why did you switch from Shakespeare to schlock?
I've seen your show.
You've sold out.
My show has one of the highest ratings on television.
So has yogi bear, but I don't watch him, either.
Put a little something in this, will you?
See you around campus, Mr. Dwyer.
You were kind of hard on him, weren't you?
I mean, the man is a star.
Oh, hell.
On television, anybody with blond hair and a dimple
can be a star.
Aside from his momentary little detour,
he's on his way to becoming a real actor.
Well, then why did you--
why?
A thousand reasons-- the least of which is envy.
Say, I thought I asked you for another scotch?
I just gave you one, Mr. Dwyer.
Nonsense!
Me thinks the lad's mind is not on his work.
Now lay it on, macduff--
macisaac.
Hey!
Hey, Wendy!
Hi, Ross.
Hi.
You know something?
I bet you had the best looking body in the student body.
It's too bad we weren't in the same year.
It'd be a year to remember.
Really?
Listen, how would you like to have cocktails
and dinner and dancing?
Sounds wonderful.
Of course, it is.
When Ross Randall likes a girl, he goes all out.
Yeah?
Pick you up about seven?
And then you and I, we're going to go straight to heaven.
Julie?
Yeah.
Julie, I can't believe him.
I mean, I cannot believe that Ross Randall.
It's Ross Randall.
I mean, he just asked me to dinner and everything.
No!
Well, how can you be sure that he paid for the ticket?
Well, he says when he likes a girl, he goes all out.
Sounds right to me.
You want me to move to another ship so you two can be alone?
Come on, Sherry.
She's just an old friend from high school.
Well, I was there, remember?
You two were more than just friends.
We haven't seen each other for years.
We haven't even kept in touch.
Good.
Keep it that way.
Don't touch.
Look, why would I be interested in anybody else?
I've got the greatest girl in town.
In case you haven't noticed, we're not exactly in town.
This is really silly.
I can't believe I'm actually jealous about a girl
you haven't seen in 10 years.
Sorry.
It must be love.
What is it?
I don't know.
I guess I'm just not much of a sailor.
Oh, honey.
Look, why don't I take you down to your cabin,
and maybe we can get something from the doctor?
Why don't we just go to my cabin?
So that's itsy bitsy, eh, doc?
Well, you really got yourself a heavy date, man.
[Laughs] Has she invited you down to her cabin yet?
Very funny-- that's vastly amusing.
Doc, doc, you can always just break the date.
Dr. Bricker, Dr. Bricker, report to your office,
medical emergency.
I made the date.
I'm going to keep it.
Well, you're a big man, doc.
Not as big as your date.
[Inaudible]
Good morning.
Hello, ladies.
Good morning.
Well, Mr. Paul, how are you, sir?
[Laughs] Well, Mr. Dwyer--
and how are you, my wandering minstrel friend?
Oh, fine, thank you.
Fine, thank you?
You're not supposed to say fine, thank you.
That was a song cue I gave you.
"The mikado," man, "the mikado"--
(singing) A wandering minstrel, I,
a thing of shreds and patches, of ballad songs and snatches--
(singing together) --And dreamy lullabies.
(Singing) Oh, yeah.
[Dining room chatter]
Why don't we go play hooky and hang out together?
[Laughs] I don't think that Sherry would like that.
Well, then we won't invite her.
Well, Joey!
Oh, come on.
I just want to see a little bit more of you.
It's been a long time.
Well, I will be in the lounge after dinner.
Bring your dancing shoes.
Ok.
He gets my vote as most likely to succeed.
[Laughter]
Try some of these potatoes au gratin.
They are fantastic.
No, thanks.
I'm watching my calories.
And I'm not--
dinner pooper.
You know, bitsy, if you'd ordered that lobster
without the sauce, it would have been
250 calories instead of 800?
Right.
Well, I still know how I can save 600 calories.
Well, how can you do that?
Pass up the strawberry shortcake and eat my napkin.
[Laughter]
Didn't used to be a phys ed teacher?
- I still am. - Huh?
A few years ago, I figured out I just
have to teach those push ups.
I don't have to do them.
You know, there's some pretty good diets around.
Oh, I tried them all--
weight watchers, fat fighters, blubber battlers.
That's not easy to say, is it?
It's even harder to do.
And they all made me a nervous wreck.
Well, I'm only trying to be helpful.
But you know the old cliche, inside of every--
fat person.
--Is a thin person struggling to get out.
Huh uh.
Hm?
Outside of me, there was a gallon of fudge ripple ice
cream struggling to get in.
What happened?
It made it.
[Laughter]
Dinner was absolutely the best.
What's for dessert?
You.
Ross!
Listen, listen, I have this beautiful,
beautiful empty cabin.
And if you don't say yes, I'm going to hold my breath.
Until you die?
Well, don't go crazy.
How about till I turn purple?
Shall we?
I don't understand.
I especially invited Mr. Dwyer to have dinner with us tonight,
and he never showed up.
Maybe he found a partner who could sing on key.
I can't believe you're a boxer.
Would you buy I'm a mailman?
[Makes funny sound]
Did you see Bobby Malloy in the Roman collar?
Can you believe that guy became a priest?
I know.
Well, why not?
He always liked bingo.
That's why you're a mailman, Pete.
Close enough for government work.
Hey, buddy?
Jack!
Kathy?
I didn't know you two were on board!
It's great to see you, Mike.
Great doesn't begin to describe it.
Has he been treating you all right?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you, too--
now what's been happening for the last 10 years.
Huh? Some best friend--
I want to know where you've been, what you've been doing.
I want to know everything.
Oh, well.
We're-- we're in the clothing business.
We make t-shirts, you know, the kind with graphics on them.
It's-- it's going ok.
We started on the proverbial shoestring.
And now we have employees I think we haven't even met.
I know how hard you work at something
once your mind is set.
You deserve everything you get.
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
Come on, Pete.
No, no, I'll join you later.
You guys have got a lot of reminiscing to do.
Watch your toes!
Coming through!
You know, Ross?
That really was a very romantic thing you did.
What was it?
I'll remember-- was it this?
Uh, Ross?
I'm talking about the ticket.
Huh?
You sent me a ticket for this cruise, didn't you?
I think you have the wrong boy.
You see, I play a detective, not a millionaire.
What am I doing in this cabin?
Oh, nothing yet-- nothing.
That's right, Ross.
And it's going to stay that way.
Huh?
Hey!
I was wondering when we were going to run into each other.
Oh.
Hi, Pete.
You remembered me!
Yeah.
You were the one who nailed my shoes to the floor.
Huh uh.
I was the one who put cornflakes in your gym shorts--
just trying to get your attention.
And now that I got it, how about going dancing, huh?
Well, why not?
It's included in the price of your ticket, isn't it?
Let's go.
[Dance music playing]
[Crowd chatter]
Isaac is terrific!
Go, Isaac, go!
Yeah, please go.
You're making me look bad.
[Laughter]
Oh!
[Inaudible]
I'm Joey.
[Inaudible]
Oh!
[Inaudible]
I'm Joey.
[Inaudible]
[Clapping]
Hey, [inaudible].
How you doing?
Woo!
All right!
Looking good!
All right.
[Applause]
[Disco song playing]
(Singing) You and I [inaudible].
You and I, I know that our love will be strong.
You and I, we'll [inaudible].
You and I know together is where we belong.
So reach out, reach out, and touch me.
You know that I'll be right after you.
You and--
[cheering]
Come on, everybody.
Get down.
Come on in.
You're a terrific dancer, Julie.
Well, you're a terrific partner.
You're a great teacher.
Thanks.
Tell me something, would you and your partner
give a few disco lessons to some of the passengers.
I know they'd like it.
Sure, I'd love to, captain.
Joey, I've got to cool off.
Do you want to go up on deck?
Sure.
Yeah.
Why don't I go check with Joey?
But first, I think I need a few private lessons.
Now how does that stuff go again?
Left, left?
Uh, cross 2,3, cross, 2,3, step, step.
That's right. - Cross 2, 3.
That's it.
Cross 2, 3.
Step.
I think I've got it.
[Laughter]
You're a lovely teacher.
Step, step.
(Singing) You're the hand that I need.
Bitsy?
You're giving that "Saturday night fever."
Well, take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
[Laughter]
Ok.
Don't tell anybody.
I'll go get doc.
Excuse me, doc. We need you.
Later, goph.
Doc, this is an emergency.
It's ok, gopher.
Uh, bitsy, doc really has to go.
Never mind, gopher.
Go ahead.
Take care of your emergency.
If you have time, will you do me a favor?
Why-- sure.
Take a leap overboard.
Wait a minute!
I was having a terrific time.
Doc, this is a real emergency.
It's Mr. Dwyer's cabin.
Well, why didn't you say so?
You'd better tell the captain.
Excuse me.
Doc?
Medically speaking, Mr. Dwyer's bombed.
As a specialist in this field, I'd say
he's bombed out of his skull.
Mr. Dwyer?
This is the captain!
(Singing) I am the captain on the "pinafore."
[Singing incoherently] Armadillo.
Man has a problem, sir.
Alcoholism is more than a problem.
I think the best thing we can do is just let him sleep it off.
I'm afraid our friend, Mr. Dwyer
has a rough road ahead of him.
(Singing quietly) [Inaudible].
[Light snore]
Really nice seeing everybody again, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, did you hear about David Roberts?
Yes, six kids!
Well, yeah, I know.
But did you hear what he does for a living?
No.
He owns a store that sells maternity clothes.
No.
Well, that's keeping the family in the business.
Or, is that the business in the family?
I missed you.
I've missed you.
Hey.
Isn't that something about Ross being a big TV star?
Yeah.
You could be a star, too.
You're a great dancer.
Nah.
Yeah, ever since we were kids, you've
always been great dancer.
Remember the first time we went out, and after the movies
we went driving?
You mean parking.
I was so nervous.
Are you nervous now?
No.
Joey, what about Sherry?
Yeah.
I'd better get back in.
I'll see you later.
Yeah.
I didn't even have the guts to tell him I went to Canada.
Enough!
You paid your dues!
Aw, my dues?
Mike's in a wheelchair.
We used to play football together.
Now he can't even pick one up.
Why are you feeling so guilty?
Well, how do you expect me to feel?
I mean, there's Mike.
And here I am with a healthy body
and a ton of money in the bank!
Nobody handed you that money.
You worked for it.
Yes.
I had the chance to work for it.
Mike didn't.
Aw, Kathy, I did the wrong thing.
I see.
And the right thing would have been for you to go off to war
and end up like that, wheeled off
some plane while the band plays "Johnny
comes marching home again?"
(Yelling) Stop it!
(Whispering) Stop it.
Well, I hope you enjoyed your kiss in the moonlight.
And I hope you enjoyed spying on me.
Hey, now wait a minute!
Don't try to make me the heavy.
I wasn't out necking with my high school sweetheart.
Oh, for Pete's sake, it was one little kiss.
It's not as if I dragged her down to my cabin.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just into that old-fashioned thing.
You know, like when two people love each other
and decide to get married, they don't
go making out with other women.
I'm obviously wrong.
Yeah, well, maybe we're both obviously
wrong about getting married.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Look.
Why don't we just relax here for a second, take a deep breath,
and stop this, before it gets too far.
You're right.
I didn't mean to spy on you.
Well, the kiss just happened--
wasn't meant to.
Promise?
Yeah.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
So remember, it's two counts of six and then a ten.
Loosen up and get down!
Ready?
[Dance music playing]
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6-- here we go!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 5, 2, 3,
.
All right, [inaudible], gopher!
8, 9, 10, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, slide.
Touch.
[Inaudible]
Ah, looking good!
All right!
You're on your own!
All right.
Come on, now. Woo!
Come on, captain, get with it!
[Inaudible]
All right.
Aw, you're looking good, McCoy.
Whoa!
(Singing) Dancing, dancing, dancing all night long.
Joey, what is that dip step you were doing with Sherry?
Oh, sure.
It's real easy.
You just start with the bus stop.
5, 6, 7, to me.
[Inaudible]
2, and 3.
Come on, now.
Do it around me.
Ok.
2, switch hands.
So I'm going to turn you [Inaudible] under me.
- Yeah? - Right, and I lean you in.
- Uh huh. - Right?
And now the dip!
Come on, Jason.
Woo!
Hey, bitsy?
Can I talk to you a minute?
Sure, doc.
Is it an emergency?
Hey, about last night, I'm sorry.
But I'm always on call.
Oh, of course.
What's a date compared to a medical emergency?
Boy, that Joey certainly can dance, can't he?
Oh, he sure can.
But I'd much rather dance with you like this
or like last night.
Me, too!
Well, I'm just sorry last night ended with the dancing.
Well, tonight's another night.
Why don't I get us a couple of drinks, huh?
Well, it's a little early, isn't it?
Well, I mean, it doesn't matter.
I'm here to have a good time.
Yeah.
Darn right-- that's why I made sure you
didn't miss this reunion.
How am I doing, babe?
Am I getting it?
Yeah.
I'm getting it, too.
I'm sorry, Jason.
I really don't feel very good.
Oh, here.
Settle down.
(Singing) Dancing, dancing--
woo!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, you'd better come down to my office.
I'll check you out.
No, um, I'll be all right.
But I think that's it for me.
(Singing) Dancing all night long.
Come on, yeah!
Woo!
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse--
or better yet, a Moscow mule.
Ooh, it's a little early for a mule.
How about some of my coffee?
It carries quite a kick.
Coffee can kill you.
You get your kicks your way.
Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature--
"othello."
Familiar creature if it well be used.
My luck-- I have to find a bartender
who knows Shakespeare.
Two screwdrivers, please.
Careful my screwdrivers will hit you like a hammer.
In that case, I'll take one.
Well, enjoying your cruise, Mr. Dwyer?
Enjoying my cruise?
How could I not enjoy it?
They cater to your every whim.
Hm.
Gracias. See you later.
Si.
Macisaac, this is straight orange juice.
Mr. Dwyer, if you really want a thirst
quencher, why don't you let me fix one
of my special fruit punches.
Now you listen to me.
I am a paying passenger.
And I need a drink.
I want a drink now!
Or I'll report you to the captain.
He's the one who asked me not to serve you.
How could you do that--
ordering him to cut me off?
Well, perhaps I overstepped my Mark.
But I did it in your best interest.
I'm a big boy, captain.
So I take a little libation once in a while.
It's just my way of escaping, that's all.
And what do you have to escape from?
I'm a joke--
a joke to my students, past and present.
Now I can't believe that, Julie tells
me your students worship you.
Sure.
Listen to old man dwyer spouting off.
Couldn't make it in the theater, so now he
has a captive audience in the classroom.
Hardly a reason to climb into the bottle.
I can quit drinking any time I want.
I've done it a dozen times.
Want to try for 13?
No, sir.
I never got to Vietnam.
I wound up at fort Knox in army finance.
That was my problem.
I never knew how to handle money.
And speaking of money, anybody for five card stud?
Oh, no.
No way-- my daddy had a rule.
Never gamble with a nun or an ex-marine.
Oh, yeah?
Do I look like a nun?
The biggest pot I ever won was in a game at Vietnam.
I bluffed my lieutenant out of $200 bucks
and then I left the game.
What?
You didn't give him a chance to get even?
Oh, he got even all right.
He gave me 30 days kp.
[Laughter]
Hey, buddy, buddy's wife?
Come on over.
Sit down.
We'd better go over.
We can't walk right past him.
Pull up a chair.
All we're doing is sitting here swapping war stories.
Yep.
I'm just telling them about the financial end of it.
Ah, here we go.
All right.
The foam is on the house.
You know, Isaac served in Vietnam.
Yeah, but I prefer this kind of serving.
[Laughter]
Hey, hey.
You know, Jack, I haven't seen you at all lately.
Where have you been the last 10 years of my life?
Well, i--
I didn't see combat like all you guys.
So where were you stationed?
Probably at a soft desk job, like mine.
Yeah, right.
Hit the nail right on the head.
I had a desk job.
Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of, huh?
You did your part.
Yeah, sure.
Ship's announcer: Good afternoon.
And welcome to puerto vallarta.
All those wishing to go parasailing
meet on the [inaudible] deck gangway in 10 minutes.
Hi there, McCoy!
So tell me, will puerto vallarta be honored with the presence
of you and Joey?
Why me and Joey?
Well, you're an item.
Aren't you?
No.
No, no, no.
Well, then you're the only one that doesn't think so.
Smith, do you know that expression why don't you go--
ah, yes, yes, i--
bye, Smith.
Hey, Julie, can I talk to you, please?
Sure, Sherry.
But maybe later, after I finish work, ok?
Oh, it'll just take a second.
Sure.
What's up?
Try to understand me, ok?
Julie, I'm not--
I'm not telling you.
I'm simply asking you--
please lay off Joey.
Hey, I don't know what you're talking about.
Joey and I are just old friends.
Julie, I really love him.
Well, look where you are, and look where he is.
All he knows is dancing.
And well, you can't dance forever.
Someday he'll probably be back working
at his father's butcher shop.
Sherry, there's no disgrace in that.
No, no, I know.
I'm-- I'm not putting him down.
I know what he is, and he's all I want.
I'm afraid you're asking the wrong person.
I think you should be talking to Joey.
Yeah.
Forget it.
I thought you'd understand.
Trouble is, I do understand.
Excuse me, does the bus for Cleveland stop here?
I guess not.
How come you didn't go into town?
Because I thought you did.
Bitsy, about last night.
Aren't you taking a chance being
seen talking to me without gopher around to rescue you?
I swear to you that emergency was legit.
It's ok.
I've had this kind of thing come up in my life before.
Oh, come on. All right.
You're a chubby lady.
No, I am a fat lady.
All right.
But you happen to be a sensational fat lady.
And the debonair doctor--
where?
Right here-- would love to take you to dinner tonight.
Is this a mercy date?
Oh, I never knew anyone who needed mercy less.
What do you say?
Pick me up at 7, and we'll talk about it.
All right.
Carry on.
Malcolm, you're going to love this place.
It's over there on the beach.
The food is wonderful.
The chef's a personal friend of mine.
[Traditional folk music playing]
[Inaudible]
Yes.
[Inaudible]
I don't see how you can possibly rate "the mikado"
over and above "pinafore."
Simple!
The songs have more depth and meaning.
(Singing) On a tree by a river a little Tom tit sang "Willow,
tit-Willow, tit-Willow."
Thank you, next.
[Laughter]
Nice restaurant.
Wait till you taste the food.
Buenos dias, senores.
[Inaudible]
Oh, waiter.
I always like to drink while I'm reading.
I'll have a Margarita, please.
With this Mexican sun, I need all the salt I can get.
I'm sorry, senor.
We do not serve alcohol here.
I'll have soda water and lime, please.
Looks like another big day in town.
Make it two.
Thanks a bunch.
It's a start.
All these starts may be my finish.
Capitan stubing!
Manuel!
[Laughs] Excuse me for a minute.
Manuel's an old friend.
Manuel!
[Speaking Spanish]
You know, old man dwyer really takes the cake.
Can you imagine him accusing me of selling out?
Was he sober when he said it?
It must be true, then.
Yeah, well, listen, if he didn't have a teaching job,
he'd be out auditioning for a church basement
production of "Hamlet."
[Laughter]
You're forgetting one thing.
He was the best teacher we ever had.
Yeah, you're right.
You know, I hate to think where i'd
be today if it wasn't for him.
Pete, I really had a wonderful day.
Well, just say yes, and it will be a wonderful night.
Before I say yes, I have to find out
if you're really the right one.
Baby, after the yes, you'll know I'm the one.
Remember those guys?
Pete?
Are you responsible for me being here?
Child, it's time you learned the facts of life.
See now, before you were born, your daddy
wanted to show your mommy just how much he loved her.
No, no, no, no!
Be serious!
You said that you wanted to make sure that I
came to the class reunion.
Well, that's right.
I'm the one that sent out the invitations to all the grads.
Boy, I had a heck of a time finding your address.
Hard to find.
You mean, you didn't send me the ticket for this cruise?
Huh uh.
No.
Not me.
Well, I guess you're not the right one.
See ya.
Well, if I did buy your ticket, I'd demand a refund.
Sh--
Oh, hey, Isaac?
Can I try this orange one on?
If you keep drinking like that,
you're going to end up like Mr. Dwyer.
Thanks, coach.
That lie you told only made things worse.
Don't you think I know that?
Why'd you do it?
I don't know.
It just slipped out.
Well, you'd better tell him about Canada
before someone else does.
Kathy, sometimes I think if there hadn't been a Vietnam,
you would have invented it.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you were bright and persuasive.
And you always seemed to need some kind
of a cause to rally around.
What?
When we went to Canada, it was Vietnam.
And now it's this whole thing with Mike.
We went to Canada for a cause I believed in and you didn't?
My god, if that's true, then the only reason
you went there was because you were scared.
You're damn right I was scared.
We were all scared.
The guys that went to Vietnam and the guys
who went to Canada.
Jack--
if you don't understand that by now, you never will.
Ship's announcer: We hope you enjoyed
your day in puerto vallarta.
The ship will be sailing in 30 minutes.
You looked in his cabin?
Nothing.
Then he is nowhere to be found on this ship.
If Malcolm doesn't show up soon, we'll have to sail without him.
I could go ashore.
I know most of the places.
Well, it's too late.
Time may have run out on our Mr. Dwyer.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[Inaudible]
[Clears throat]
Mexican policemen found him, sir.
He insisted on speaking to you.
Happy birthday, general!
This is not my birthday, and I'm not a general.
Well, don't give up!
[Inaudible] It's just a matter of time.
Take him to his cabin right away.
Yes, sir.
Valaro!
Sayonara!
Into the valley of death [inaudible]..
Guns to the right of them, and guns to the left of them.
Onward, cossacks!
Adam, is there anything?
I wish I could help.
But it's not just a medical problem now.
You know that.
Yeah.
I know.
[Inaudible] Of Michael [inaudible]..
All right.
To continue with the game of where are they now,
will Mr. Peter DeLuca please rise?
Hey!
[Applause]
Peter, way back when you were voted the class clown.
What are you doing today?
Well, I'm president of the United States.
[Laughter]
They were right!
[Inaudible]
What happened to the girl they voted miss life of the party?
Well, the party's over.
Sherry came to me this afternoon and begged me to leave.
And you went for it?
Isaac, she needs him.
And you don't?
Didn't anyone ever tell you all's fair in love and war?
Sure.
How can you win if you're not even in the battle?
You're right.
You guys are absolutely right.
Yeah.
Hi, Sherry.
Hi.
Joey, the captain's been getting such a kick out of all
this dancing that he wants to a really
funky disco on the last night.
I could use some help.
Sure, anything you want.
Oh, great.
You could advise me.
Sherry, would you excuse us just a minute?
Sure.
Thanks.
Joey, I know you're the expert.
I want to make sure that the sound, the effects, the lights,
everything is perfect.
You know disco and i'm just [inaudible],, remember.
Well, see we were talking war.
She was talking blitzkrieg.
I'm having fun tonight.
Me, too.
You may not believe this, but I feel
another emergency coming on.
Where this time?
Right here.
You know, I hate to see an unhappy sagittarius.
Oh, well, I happen to be a Taurus.
No bull?
So you're into astrology, fate, stars, the Karma?
Huh?
I mean, here I'm in this ship.
And here you are.
It couldn't be coincidence.
It had to be planned.
What?
Jason, do you write poetry?
Only when I'm turned on by someone like you.
Jason, [inaudible].
I am me.
We are they.
Doc?
Yeah.
Can I ask you a sort of schoolgirl kind of question?
Why not, it's your school reunion.
Well, you know all those delicious,
delectable delightful, dreamy things you said last night?
Uh huh.
Did you mean them?
Absolutely, except for one.
Which one was that?
Well, remember when you asked me what time it was,
and I said it was 2:00 o'clock?
Mhm.
It was actually 3:00 o'clock.
Well, I can forgive one lie.
Drink it!
I've already had three cups.
That's enough.
It's only coffee.
Precisely.
No more, please.
Drink it.
I won't be able to sleep.
Drink.
Why don't we put a little something in it?
You know what they say about the hair of the dog.
Haven't you been bitten enough?
I'm not in the mood for a temperance lecture, merrill.
Next thing you know, you'll be singing hymns.
Malcolm, you need help.
I need a drink.
What the hell do you know about it, big expert?
Have you ever wanted to drink so badly you--
you'd--
kill for it?
Yes.
10 years ago, when my wife Stacy and I separated,
I simply couldn't handle it all, the loneliness,
the rejection, the failure.
I'm familiar with the symptoms, whatever the source.
So I started to drink, but not heavily at first.
Don't kid me.
How could you drink and still be in command?
Well, I didn't drink while on duty,
so I didn't have a problem, right?
Wrong.
One evening after a couple of scotches,
I was driving to the ship.
There in front of me--
I nearly hit a child.
That was when I finally realized what I was doing with my life.
I sat in the car and cried.
I sat there and cried, and cried, and cried.
I haven't had a drink since.
Merrill, how?
How?
I just stopped.
You have no alternative.
Unless you don't want a tomorrow.
Ship's announcer: The last launches are now
returning from Zihuatanejo and the ship
will be sailing in 30 minutes.
Relax.
Feel the spiritual energies flowing
through your spinal cord.
Oh, Jason. I am.
I really am.
So am I. You're the most perfect Taurus I ever met.
Oh, Jason.
You're the perfect one.
Come sail with me.
Let's share romance, and in each other's arms, we'll fly.
If you won't give my heart a chance,
I'll hold my breath until I die.
Yuck.
Who wrote that?
Oh, Jason.
You're so modest.
Well, now that you've seen the dance floor, is it big enough?
Oh, sure.
The thing is though that you got to have
speakers all around the room.
See the sounds got to hit you from all sides.
Hey, the sound is going to hit us.
Bomp, bom bow bom bom bomp!
Get down, Julie!
Woo!
You're crazy, girl.
I'm crazy about a lot of things.
Oh, no, no, that's good.
The captain was just saying to me last night,
all the crew should learn more about
mouth to mouth resuscitation.
[Ping pong ball clacking]
Nice shot, bitsy.
Well, if I win, I hope I don't have to jump over the net.
Hey, doc.
How was your date last night?
Bet it was heavy, man.
[Laughter]
Ok, guys.
Yeah, a whale of a time.
Hey, hey!
Knock it off.
Oh, come on, doc.
We're just kidding.
Can't you take a joke from a friend?
All right, one more fat joke and my friend
ends up with a fat lip.
When are you going to keep your big mouth shut?
Hey, gopher, wait a minute now.
Gopher!
Listen, now wait a second, gopher!
Gopher!
Don't blame everything on me.
Wow, see, the tarot cards say that the queen of cups--
that's you, my sweet and beautiful-- shall be
united with the king of cups.
That's me.
And the time is now.
Uh, Jason, wait a minute.
Would you please?
I mean, I really don't know that much about you.
I don't even know what you do for a living.
Nothing-- work destroys the Karma.
Well then, how did you pay for this cruise?
Easy, especially when your old man's
the head of markham steel.
The sky's the limit.
Oh, so you're rich.
So you can afford to buy my ticket.
Oh, I see.
I reimburse you for your ticket, and then
you'll be my good friend?
Ok.
Uh, Jason, you didn't write me this poem, did you?
Let's stop wasting time with that stupid junk.
That's right.
I have been wasting my time.
Well, guess it wasn't in the cards.
Ha, the fool!
Jack, don't shut me out.
What's happening to us?
I don't know.
I thought I ran away from hell.
But I was wrong.
I've still got my hell to go through.
I got to tell Mike, face to face.
If it helps any, I love you.
It helps a lot.
[Sighs loudly]
Doc?
Good evening.
Yes?
Hi, doc.
You have a few more shots about bitsy
that you forgot to get in?
Uh, doc, gopher and I, we'd like to apologize.
Right.
We went too far, and we're sorry.
I'm serious, doc.
We apologize.
Accepted.
See you later.
Doc?
It's none of our business, but why bitsy?
Why not bitsy?
Well, I mean, she's not the type of--
well, I mean-- well, of all the girls that you've dated,
bitsy's kind of--
kind of not beautiful?
Oh, guys, let me tell you something about women,
about how I feel about women.
They're all beautiful.
Beauty isn't just looks--
pretty face, perfect body.
That's easy.
Woman doesn't have to be a centerfold to make me
laugh, to puncture my wonderful male ego
when I get too big for my britches,
make me feel happy to be--
just happy to be.
Believe me, bitsy is a very beautiful woman.
Come on.
We'll be late for dinner.
[Big sigh]
[Room chatter]
Almost 24 hours without a drink, a new record.
You're going to be fine, Malcolm.
I'm glad you've got faith.
How do you say no to all that booze?
By simply saying no--
try it.
Let's here you say no.
You care for a drink, Mr. Dwyer?
Thought you'd never ask.
No.
Could I have a better reading on that, please?
No.
No, I won't drive the ship for you.
You'll just have to keep doing it till you get it right.
Captain, I'd like to introduce you
to a really sensational lady.
How could you pass up an invitation like that?
Excuse me for a minute.
Captain, bitsy Sheldon.
Captain stubing.
My pleasure.
So nice to meet you.
How are you doing this evening, Mr. Dwyer?
Oh, fine, Isaac, just fine.
You're looking really dapper.
Well, thank you.
I haven't had so much fun since I had a root
canal and two wisdom teeth pulled all in the same day
without anesthesia.
[Whistles]
To your health, Mr. Dwyer.
You leave me alone, will you?
If I want to drink, I'll drink.
Damn it.
Why?
Why settle for one drink?
Say the word, I'll send a case down to your cabin.
Stay out of it.
It's my life.
Why don't you throw yourself overboard?
It'll be a lot quicker.
Pick any rail.
Be my guest.
Ship's announcer: The captain's big
farewell disco is now in progress on the riviera deck.
[Disco music playing]
[Cheering]
[Whistle]
[Inaudible]
Good evening.
[Inaudible]
Hey, bitsy?
When you get finished with this old-timer,
you and I'll get together and we'll really groove!
Well, tell me.
This is some bad disco, huh?
Mm, you did it, mama.
Well, really, Joey was responsible.
Well, I know.
But I just didn't feel as though I was
allowed to bring up his name.
Well, when are you two going to dance?
Huh?
Hey, hey.
Disco isn't my scene.
But they play a slow polka, you'll see me really get down.
[Laughter]
Hey, Wendy!
We're having a party here, remember?
I'm really not in a party mood.
Well, what happened to Ross?
I mean, what happened to Pete?
No, I mean, what happened to Jason?
And I really mean, what happened to him?
That's the trouble, Julie.
None of them are him.
Hm?
Do you know that I have wasted this entire cruise running
around with this dumb poem, as if it were a glass slipper,
looking for some man to fit it?
You know, it's not too late to find a guy.
No, not a chance--
I mean, I am nuts.
Mhm.
Do you know why I always thought that Tom wasn't--
I don't know what I thought Tom wasn't.
But Ross and Jason and Peter--
they're not for me, either.
I don't know what I want.
Maybe I should have never broken up with Tom.
Maybe I should have never come.
Maybe you should go out on that dance floor,
grab a partner, and boogie.
That is an order.
[Cheering]
Excuse me.
Malcolm?
Care to join me in a soda water and lime?
Are you all right?
No, I'm sober.
Come on.
[Dance floor chatter]
Hi, Mike.
Jack, Kathy, isn't this terrific?
Say do you mind if I take you away
from it for about five minutes?
Huh?
It's important.
Sure.
I'll wait for you here.
No, no, no.
I've [inaudible].
If this is a surprise birthday party,
you've got the wrong guy.
But I'll go along with it if I get to keep all the presents.
All right, Jack, what is so important that you had
to drag me away from all those girls that
wanted to dance with me, huh?
- Mike. - Come on.
Don't be embarrassed.
I've had to learn to live with this thing.
You're my friend.
You'll have to learn, too.
Ok.
Mike, I got to tell you something.
And I'm afraid it's going to put our friendship
right on the line.
You see, when I was in college, I got my draft notice.
Didn't we all?
Yeah.
But when I got mine, I gave it a lot of thought.
And then I made my decision.
I moved to Canada until the war was over.
I know.
You know?
Your mother told me in a letter.
But she never said--
I thought if I confronted you with it,
you'd go through life with a case of the guilts.
But if you could get the truth out yourself, from inside,
you'd be rid of that burden once and for all.
Oh, my god.
I was afraid--
Jack, I've known you for a lot of years, right?
You did what you did based on your principles.
I did what I did based on my principles.
Neither of us were wrong.
We just did what we had to do.
But you're a hero.
I'm not.
No.
Mhm.
It took courage to do what you did.
Maybe if I would have had that kind of courage, things--
You took a stand for what you believed in.
You laid your whole future right on the line.
I admire you for it.
You're in a wheelchair.
And you're forgiving me.
I am not a Saint.
There were times that I was so bitter I could taste it, Jack.
I hate it.
[Yelling] I hate it!
The hate was my real disability, not this thing.
But I was lucky.
I had love and help from a lot of terrific people.
Oh, Mike.
I'm so sorry this had to happen to you.
I am, too.
I'm just damn glad it didn't happen to both of us.
[Disco music playing]
Hey!
We're doing [inaudible].
[Cheering]
[Applause]
5, 6, 7, 8.
Woo!
Hey!
Are you ok?
Hey, are you ok?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I guess I was just famished.
Listen, Joey.
I need to--
she'll be fine.
But you need some rest, young lady.
Right.
I'm going to take you to your cabin.
Come on.
Joey, you need some help?
No, thanks.
I can manage.
Easy.
Doc, she's ok, right?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I mean, it was just the heat and the excitement, right?
Doc?
She's pregnant, Julie.
Joey doesn't know.
How's Sherry?
She's resting.
Joey, I wanted to--
there are a lot of things I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm sorry.
I'm the one who should apologize.
No, I knew that you two had plans.
And I just threw myself at you.
Well, that's not quite the way I saw it.
I was scared, Julie, scared of marriage, being tied down.
And then, seeing you kind of reminded me
of being in high school again, playing the field.
[Laughs] The thing is, I guess i'm
not a high school kid anymore.
Hey, none of us are that high school kid anymore.
And your marriage is not like walking the last mile,
especially when the lady you're going to marry
happens to be crazy about you.
Yeah.
I know.
You think I'll be any good at it, you know, husband, father?
Joey, you're going to be great.
[Laughs] We're still going to be friends, right?
Well, I was hoping to be more than just friends.
I wanted to be friends of the family.
Oh.
Well, come on.
Let's go see Sherry.
Ok.
[Disco music playing]
[Dance floor chatter]
[Cheering]
[Applause]
Can I have the house lights, please?
Ok, everybody-- before we get back to the dancing, I have
a little announcement to make.
Now as you know, Hollywood has its Oscar.
And Haley high has its halo.
[Applause]
Everybody's had a chance to vote, and we've counted it up.
And tonight the old tarnished halo
is being awarded to someone whose
popularity and success has brought
great pride to our school.
And the winner is Ross Randall!
[Cheering]
Thank you.
I appreciate the honor.
It should be shared by a man who believed in me, a man who gave
me the incentive to push ahead.
His dedication to his profession kind of brought
out the best in all of us.
Now as you know, the last couple of days
we've been plotting and planning.
And tonight, I am really proud to announce that a college
scholarship has been established in the name
of a unique and very special man, Mr. Malcolm dwyer.
[Cheering]
I am grateful, and I am--
I'm touched.
I never expected such a beautiful moment
would ever come my way.
I am very proud to have been your teacher.
Only one thing could have made me more proud,
to have been your parent.
That way, instead of having all of you for just four years,
you would have been mine for a lifetime.
I-- i--
In the words of the immortal Malcolm dwyer, class dismissed.
[Applause]
[Music playing]
[Ship's horn sounding]
Oh, Mike, do you think that man in Seattle
would really help us?
That's what the va's for, Kathy.
Oh, sweetheart, isn't that wonderful?
Yeah, they'd do a lot for us.
Hey, Isaac.
Great cruise.
- Mike, good luck. - Good luck?
I've already had my luck.
Jack wants me to head up personnel at his business.
That's beautiful.
We are going to hire as many disabled vets as we can.
Aw, that's super.
Best of everything to all you guys.
We already have the best of everything.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
So long, Mike.
Bye.
Bye bye.
"Parting is such sweet sorrow"--
but it's back to class tomorrow.
Let's keep in touch, Malcolm.
Most certainly-- if Gilbert and Sullivan write something
new, I'll send you a copy.
Seriously, merrill, thank you.
Hey.
(Singing together) He's very, very good and be it understood,
he commands a right good crew.
- Don't call me! - I know!
I know!
Don't call us.
We'll call you.
Well, Julie, thanks for everything.
Well, I'm just sorry it didn't all work out for you.
Wendy?
Tom!
How-- how'd you enjoy your trip?
Oh.
Well, I had about the worst time of my whole life.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't have sent you the ticket.
You sent me the ticket?
And the poem?
The poem-- yeah, I know, the poem was kind of silly, huh?
Oh, no, no.
The poem was beautiful.
Why did you do it?
Well, I know you had this romantic notion about meeting
the man of your dreams.
So I figured I'd help you find him, get it out of your system.
Well, Tom, I found him.
I'm going to never let him go.
Aw!
Oh, these are for you.
I'm going to miss your warm and wonderful lechery.
Miss?
I've got a little free time coming up.
Maybe we could get together this weekend?
Hey, why don't we fly up to San Francisco?
San Francisco?
Yeah, where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars?
And they stop at some of the best restaurants
you've ever eaten at.
You're on.
All right.
Well, that's some step-- kiss, kiss,
two steps down, kiss, kiss?
Captain, I guess you don't know that Sherry
and Joey are getting married.
Congratulations!
Now, just because you're gaining a husband,
it doesn't mean I'm losing a dance teacher, does it?
Oh, no.
In fact, we want you to be the first student
in our new disco school.
Well, shall I lead?
[Laughter]
Well, Joey, well, I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah.
Till the next reunion.
Yeah.
Bye bye.
[Everyone together] Allagaroo!
Allagari!
Here's the star of Haley high!
Yay!
[Cheering]
[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]