♪ Love... ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ come aboard ♪
♪ we're expecting you...♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ let it flow ♪
♪ it floats back to you... ♪
♪ The love boat ♪
♪ soon will be making another run ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ promises something for everyone. ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure your mind on a new romance. ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ it's an open smile ♪
♪ on a friendly shore. Yes, love... ♪
♪ Welcome aboard, it's love. ♪
Thank you very much.
Okay -- wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't know.
Maybe we're making a big mistake going on this cruise.
Oh, yes...
Who wants to spend ten days lying in the sun getting a great tan
eating lots of wonderful food, being waited onhand and foot?
We do!
Hi, we're the rix's.
Welcome aboard.
You're on the fiesta deck...
F one-thirty-nine.
Go down through the main doors, down the companionway and then out.
Thank you.
Julie: Hi, kids.
Graham: I'm the kid, she's in puberty.
Isn't she a rat, huh, huh?
Julie: Nice having you with us again.
Bye bye.
Hello, welcome aboard.
Kitty: Hi, sweety.
If you're the official badhammer on this tub
you must know where they keep hooks.
That's through the purser's lobby and then go straight.
Nothing closer?
Judy: I've got it.
That's what I love.
A truly independent woman.
I'm not that independent.
I just want you to save your strength for the good stuff...
Come on. You can get that.
Dr. and Mrs. Carstairs.
I've got them.
Hm-hm.
The Ramirez family.
Si.
Mister....gorgeous.
Come on gang, all aboard.
Gorgeous...
Mister...
I don't see him.
Oh, I do.
Ah-ha.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
That's what she thought the minute she saw you.
Jim right.
Well, I'm yeoman purser Smith and this is our cruise director Julie....
Julie.
Julie...
Oh, hi... [Stammering]
I'm Julie McCoy.
Or if you speak English, Julie McCoy.
Welcome aboard, Mr...
Right.
Right...
Wrong.
No...
You can't be the Mr. Right
with the life begins at sixty tours.
Ah yes, that's me.
I was expecting somebody sixty.
[Chuckles]
Well, I'm thirty.
Looks like my life is just beginning.
Well, where's your group, Mr. Right?
Uh, uh... they'll be along in a minute.
I think the gangplank slowed 'em up a little bit...
You have time for a cup of coffee?
[Julie gasps] Well...
I should finish.
Oh.
Would you mind checking in the group?
No, you kids go right ahead.
I'll handle everything.
Thanks.
Well....
Old folks: (Singing row row row your boat)
[Laughter]
Hi, Jimmy. Where are you going?
Well...
Scotsman: Hey, who's the cutie?
This is your cruise director Julie McCoy.
Ah...she looks like the real McCoy to me!
[Laughter]
And this is your assistant purser, Mr. Burl Smith.
But everybody calls me gopher.
Listen, everybody, why don't we try and find your cabins.
I know you all can use a little rest.
Rest nothin'.
Come on, Jimmy boy.
Let's check this tub out and find the action.
♪ Row, row, row, your boat ♪
♪ gently down the stream ♪
♪ merrily merrily merrily merrily ♪
♪ life is but a dream.♪
[Old folks singing continues]
I can dig it.
Isaac: Here you go, Mrs. Larsin.
One piña colada.
Thank you.
I could really get hooked on these things.
Yeah, but you gotta watch 'em.
One is delicious.
Two are dangerous
and three will make you want to go bowling with your head.
[Laughter]
I'll have another one.
I'm a terrific bowler...
First strike comin' up.
Oh....boy this beats Chicago in the winter.
Death valley beats Chicago in the winter.
Maybe I'll get my practice in.
Why not?
They've got everything else on this cruise ship.
Why not a marriage counsellor?
That reminds me, did you...
Did you call Barney before the ship left L.A.?
Why do I want to call my ex-husband?
Oh, I don't know.
I had hoped the two of you might resolve your differences --
you know, dissipate some of that hostility that came
out of the divorce proceedings.
I'm not hostile anymore.
Terry...
It's obvious you still harbor deep feelings
of resentment towards Barney.
I do not harbor deep feelings of resentment towards Barney.
I just hate his guts.
You know sometimes
i feel all of your anger towards Barney is
affecting our marriage.
I sometimes think you're not over him yet.
Over him?
I'd like to drive a truck over him.
That's not a healthy attitude.
[Laughter]
What do you know about attitudes?
You were our marriage counsellor....
And boy did you ever bomb out.
I beg your pardon.
I helped you make a great deal of progress.
We got divorced.
I call that progress.
I got you.
[Laughter]
Oh my god!
What's wrong?
Terry?
What's wrong? What is happening?
Terry?
Will you....Will you talk to me here?
Is this some weird religious experience you're having?
Barney's down there.
Do you think he saw me?
I didn't hear anybody laugh.
This is gonna ruin our cruise!
Why?
I always liked Barney.
Purser?
Gopher: Yes, ma'am.
Is there any way I can get off this boat?
Ah, service that bad, huh?
No, no, no, no, no.
No my wife is just a little upset.
I'm a lot upset!!
Um...well, sir, you see the captain really needs me now.
He... he just goes all to pieces when I'm not there to help him
with the steering and all that ship stuff.
Have a nice day.
Good... come over here.
Now listen...
Come over...
Now be mature.
You can't avoid Barney for the entire cruise.
You wanna bet?
Now listen to me...You're an intelligent woman.
He's an intelligent man.
This is the perfect time to resolve your differences.
The important thing is to act like an adult.
Right?
Tyou're right.
I'll act like an adult.
[Chuckles]
Be a good sport and bring grandma a boilermaker.
I'm sorry, miss, but are you twenty-one years old?
Keep that up and you'll be able to retire
on your tips this voyage.
Thank you.
I'm kitty piekrell....
And what are you girls playing here, hm?
Crazy eights.
Oh, gimme them cards...
Get over here, pumpkin.
Kitty: I want you to meet my two pals.
This handsome twerp is Graham piekrell, my grandson.
And these are my new poker buddies.
Kitty: Oh, do you know what...
I don't know your names.
Kelly rixie and this is my sister Polly.
Well, I gotta go.
What in the world for, honey?
You will never get the information out of me.
Never!
Do you hear?
You schweinhund.....
I've been stabbed twelve times....
I've never... help.
He's weird.
Cute, but weird.
I don't know where he gets it from.
[Applause] Oh, god! Oh!
You're good.
Well, he's a regular William tell.
I also juggle, figure skate
and I once pitched a no-hitter for the Yankees.
Really?
Well, I lied about the figure skating.
Oh....
Well, I tried skeet shooting once, I couldn't hit a thing.
Yeah, well, I developed a technique...It always works....
I keep my right elbow close to my side, not too close.
Left arm is firm, not too firm.
Take a deep breath, line up the shot
and as I pull the trigger...
[Fires shot]
I think of my ex-wife.
Oh, Barney...
I know sometimes when people get divorced
they have unhappy memories.
I have happier memories of an ingrown toenail.
It doesn't always have to be like that, Barney, if you and I got married.
Judy, there are two things I vowed I would never get into again.
Edsel stock and marriage.
[Fires shot]
You don't know what she was like.
I mean, she treated me like slime.
She treated my friends worse.
Worse than slime?
Yeah, take Harry.
The guy that works for the sanitation department?
Yes, she wouldn't let him come in the house.
I mean she let him come in
but she wouldn't let him touch anything.
Do you know what it's like to play poker with a guy who's...
Standing up and wearing gloves...
[Fires shot]
Hated my job...
Thought life insurance was morbid.
Well, Barney.
Well, it's only morbid when you're collecting.
The more I think about it, the more steamed up I get.....
My god, there's Terry. [Cocks gun]
Barney, it isn't worth it.
I bet I could've winged her.
Barney...
Yeah.
Now listen you...
Huh?
I know breakfast is not the most romantic meal of the day,
but if I can't get to see you over martinis, at least I saw
you over rice krispies.
I thought it was very romantic
and I got to learn all these little intimate
details about you.
You like strawberries on your cereal...
Two sugars in your coffee....
[Laughter]
You're not grumpy in the morning.
How can anybody be grumpy around you?
[Chanting]
Oh, come on, Jimmy, you call that jogging?
That's not even a brisk walk.
Come on.
You want to see grumpy?
Now the golden gate bridge is the longest suspension bridge
in the world.
Graham: Sorry.
But the verrazano, narrowest bridge in New York
outspans it by sixty feet.
Except the verrazano narrowest bridge in New York
which outspans it by sixty feet.
Such stimulating conversation.
You have me on the edge of my seat.
[Chuckles]
By the way, you two are a very interesting combination.
A grandmother from england
and a grandson from Brooklyn.
Well, my daughter couldn't resist a man in uniform.
Ahhh...he was an American soldier stationed in britain?
No, a bus driver in Brooklyn.
[Laughter]
Graham: Actually, there are many number of Bridges longer than
the golden gate, but they're not suspension Bridges.
Advanced for his years, isn't he?
He's great at being adult
but he knows nothing about being twelve.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
Kelly: Hello, Mrs. Piekrell.
Kitty: Oh, hello.
Kelly: Hi, doc.
Doc: Hi.
The claw...
Egor, the curse of my royal blood
it happens only around beautiful women.
Mrs. Piekrell...
Start worrying.
I guess he just doesn't like me.
But he called you a beautiful woman, didn't he?
Come to think of it, he did.
Ah...what are you doing on my ship?
I'm taking a friend on a cruise.
What are you doing on my ship?
Having a very enjoyable trip with my second husband
a man by the way, who makes you look like chopped liver.
You ought to meet my girlfriend.
She's young and attractive.
I saw her.
How many years before she graduates high school?
She has a masters in anthropology.
She's intelligent.
And she's with you?
Couldn't you have taken the plane?
Why couldn't you have used your broom?
If you had any character, you'd get off this ship.
What do you want me to do, jump overboard?
Yeah.
I'll throw you a rope... Both ends.
Ugh!
Barney, you're not gonna cause any trouble, are you?
What do you mean?
Well, when rod couldn't straighten out the problems
you and I were having and I ended up
with him, you sort of threatened to rearrange his face.
Me?
I don't go in for physical violence.
If I hit him at all it will be very lightly.
Julie?
Yes?
Can I talk to you woman to woman?
Absolutely.
Well, I can't really talk to my father about something like this
so...
Okay. Shoot.
You went through puberty, right?
Yes, there's some people I know who think I'm still in it, but yes...
And when it was over...Did you know how to handle boys?
That's a tough question
because there're some boys that you just sort of...
Instinctively know how to handle. Right?
And there are some boys that you learn how to handle...
And other boys you never figure out.
Oh.
That wasn't much help, was it?
Well, what do you do with someone who's the most grownup
person in the world one minute and the next minute he's acting
like a six-year-old?
Graham, huh?
Yeah.
Can't get him into a normal conversation.
Well, there was one thing I learned about men.
Regardless of their age, and that is that they have one favorite topic...
Themselves.
So, the next chance you get, ask him a couple of questions about himself.
Well, like what kind of questions?
You know, what kind of car does he drive?
What's he do for a living?
Julie, he's only twelve.
Well, you know what I mean.
You really think it'll work?
It usually does.
Okay. I'll try.
Well, you see there's this very attractive girl on board.
Yeah? Which one...
Oh, you mean that little girl...
Kelly.
Yeah. Right.
Every time I see her, I feel like my brains fell out.
I never know what to say.
Hey, that's easy, flatter her.
There isn't a woman in the world who doesn't like to hear how nice she looks.
You tell her how nice she looks.
Is that all I have to do?
Doc: Take it from me.
See, I've been very successful with women.
I've been married four times.
Terry: Isn't this exciting?
Imagine sitting at the captain's table.
Oh, this is going to be such fun.
Providing we don't run into Barney.
Oh, I don't think we have to worry about that.
They don't serve fries and quarter pounders here...
Is there another captain's table?
I wish there were.
Of course you'll do the gentlemanly thing and sit somewhere else.
Of course you'll do the polite thing and take a hike.
Hello, Barney...
Long time no see.
Hi, rod.
How's the fake marriage counsellor business.
Barney, charming as ever.
Oh, we've not been introduced.
I'm rod larsin, Terry's husband.
Judy Watson.
This is my wife Terry.
How do you do?
Judy: I believe you know Barney.
Terry: Oh, do I know Barney.
Good evening.
I'm captain stubing.
Terry: Hello.
Well, it's nice to have you on the ship again
Mr. and Mrs. Green.
Rod: Good evening, we're the larsins.
Captain: Aha....
Terry: Hello.
Captain: Hello.
And Judy Watson... Barney Mason.
Terry: And they were just leaving.
Captain: Was it something I said?
That's just Mrs. Larsin's
feeble attempt at humor.
Barney....
Oh, please have a seat.
Have two.
[Laughter]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Boy, girl, boy, girl.
An ancient nautical tradition...
Captain's orders...
That's nice.
Yes...
Good, good. [Heavy sigh]
Now...here we are all together.
Terry?
Mhm?
I must tell you how great the house is.
What house?
I live with Barney.
Oh, our house.
I mean, that house.
You have such super taste.
I really hate to change anything especially in the dining room.
All that wonderful marble and chrome and leather.
What really makes that room for me
is the black and white tiled floor.
Yes, it did.
It did?
Well, it started to buckle, so Barney replaced it with astroturf.
Astroturf in my dining room?
It's very practical.
You can hose it down.
And it's our dining room.
He's right you know.
Who asked you?
Well... how are you all enjoying the cruise?
Swell.
Delightful.
Terrific.
Astroturf.
Captain: Good...Good....
Now we'll begin with two bottles of bodicio, please.
Well, I hope that you're all taking advantage of our wonderful facilities.
There's something for everybody on board.
Is there a guillotine?
Oh, Judy, have you ever been on a cruise before?
No, I love it.
We never went on a cruise.
What are you complaining about.
We're on one now.
What are you eating, dear?
Oh, I don't know, somebody's made me lose my appetite.
I know the feeling.
You two are ruining my evening.
I know the feeling.
Ladies and gentlemen... [Taps glass]
May I make a suggestion?
Let's pretend this is the first world war and it's Christmas.
Poor guy's been at sea too long.
Now you two are the huns, you are the doughboys
and for this holiday you lay down your arms
just like they did.
That's a good suggestion.
Well, I'm willing.
Captain: There will be no shooting at each other.
No secret attacks, no dropping bombs.
How 'bout lobbing a little grenade?
Terry.
I'm willing, if you're willing.
[Mutters]
Well, I'm glad that's settled.
Well, what are you two doing after dinner?
Maybe we all can do something together.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we'll go dancing or to the casino.
Maybe we'll just hang around the trench
and swap war stories with the rest of the huns.
[Laughter]
Dear Tony, we would be e-ternally grateful
if you would join us for an evening of nightclubbing?
Who's that?
Quit pestering me.....
Polly: Eight thirty tonight...
We will be the one with the carnation in our nostril.
[Laughter]
Love... The claw, alias
Graham d. Piekerell...
I...
The second, you dope....
Damn!
I'm gonna tell that you swore.
I've heard you say worse than that.
Not me, I'm only ten.
Well, la di da da.
Polly: Can I ask you a question?
What?
Can I drop a water bomb on Graham when he gets here?
Graham: Grandma!
Grandma, look...
Why, honey, that's a pimple.
A pimple?
A pimple!
Now?!
Well, you have to get one sooner or later.
Sooner okay, later okay, but tonight?
Honey, you look fine.
That old pimple looks like a freckle.
You're the only one that'll notice it.
Why did I write that stupid note.
I wish I was in prison.
Clyde, it's time for you to shape up.
Now come on.
Put your coat on and shove off.
I'll go. I'll go.
I'll go get drunk.
You'll never see me again.
I'll wash up on the Mexican coast someday.
I, uh..
I thought I'd better spare you the water bomb Polly was gonna drop on you.
Table for two?
Yes.
Right this way...
Thank you.
There you go....
[Clears throat]
Why, thank you, sir.
You know this is gonna come in handy if I ever catch a cold.
Graham: Well, the dollar's here someplace.
Hey, well, don't worry about it, champ.
Don't worry about it.
I think that moment slid by.
Enjoy your table.
What school do you go to?
Hawthorne.
You look very nice tonight.
Thank you...
Um, do you like sports?
Yes...
You look very nice tonight.
Thank you...
What's your favorite subject in school?
Public speaking...
You look very nice tonight.
Thank you.
Graham: Hey, I'm sorry. Really.
Yeah, well, that's cool, man.
That's cool.
Listen, it's a lucky thing I saved that kleenex you gave me.
Well, why don't you tell him how nice he looks tonight?
Oh, poor kids, they are not getting along at all.
What are you so mad about?
All I said was you look very nice tonight.
That's all you said.
Doesn't anything interesting ever happen in school?
Graham: Yeah.
There's this girl in my class, and one day somebody barfed in her galoshes.
Oh...gross.
You'd better go back to...You look very nice tonight.
Oh yeah!
Well, to tell you the truth, you don't look so great.
And that black gook on your eyes is an embarrassing mess.
Oh yeah!
Well, it's better than having a big zit on your lip.
Check, please.
And don't forget to leave the waiter some kleenex!
What happened?
He hates me.
[Sobbing]
I'm sorry I'm so late.
It's the only time I can get free.
Well, that's okay.
I just want you to realize that I don't usually go to a guy's
cabin at two o'clock in the morning...Not on the first date.
I know....
But Julie, when else are we gonna find time
to be alone and a place to be alone?
I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you.
Man: Deal the cards, mama.
Why in my cabin?
Well, see we were gonna play at Harry's, but you know how it is.
Harry is entertaining.
[Laughter]
Come on, Jim laddie, take a hand.
Well, ante up.
Well, you know what they say...Lucky in cards...
Rod: I gotta tell you, I never thought this cruise would last
three hours let alone three days.
I guess Barney's a nicer person than I remembered, I guess.
Terry, darling, come on.
We're supposed to meet Judy and Barney
in the bar in five minutes.
I'll be right there.
I just...[Laughter]
I can't put this book down.
What are you reading?
Oh you know that new best seller...
Executive...
Trash.
I thought you'd finished that.
I did, now I'm going back to read the parts that have the story.
Darling, please come on, we're late.
You go ahead.
I'll just be a minute.
There are only about eleven clean pages.
♪ ♪
Oh! [Speaking under breath]
Judy: I'll have a whiskey sour.
Isaac: Fine.
And you, sir?
Uh...yeah...a whiskey sour.
Fine.
And you, sir?
That sounds good.
Whiskey sour.
I'd better write that down, so I don't forget it.
Where's Terry?
Oh, Terry is always late.
You got to light a stick of dynamite under her to get her moving.
Julie (v.O.): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen...
Just a reminder -- jackpot bingo will begin in the
acapulco lounge in ten minutes.
The pot is now one thousand dollars.
[Gasps] Come on let's go.
I feel lucky.
Besides I could use a thousand dollars.
I hate to tell you this, Judy, but I'm feeling very lucky too,
and I am probably the best bingo player of all the
left-handed marriage counselors I know.
Isaac: Ah, now...Who gets the whiskey sour?
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me!
How 'bout you, Barney? Want to play a little bingo?
No.
My doctor warned me against skydiving and bingo.
Too much excitement.
Where is Terry.
Did she go back to Chicago for her dress?
Listen, why don't you two go play bingo
and I'll wait for Terry and you can meet us here later.
Thanks, pal.
Rod: If you're looking for us, we'll be easy to spot.
We'll be the couple with all the money.
Oh yeah.
Bye, Barney.
Bye, honey.
[Knocks on door]
Who is it?
Barney: Peter rabbit.
[Chuckles] Come in, Barney.
You haven't changed.
Right on time.
Thirty minutes late.
I'm sorry...
I don't know, sometimes I think my head's
in a different time zone from the rest of the world.
Ahhh....it was worth the wait.
You look terrific.
You always had great taste.
Is that the same jacket?
Oh yeah...Yeah, it's the one you gave me, our...
Fifth Christmas together... And I still love it.
I still hate it.
Oh yeah?
Uh-huh.
Why'd you give it to me?
I don't know, it looked good on the dummy.
[Laughter]
I thought it looked good on me.
Oh, come on now Barney, you're no dummy.
As a matter of fact, you're a terrific guy.
Want to go?
Yes...
Ah oh...Could you just help me with my zipper.
Sure...
You're wearing shalimar, aren't ya?
Yes.
You were wearing that the night I met you, remember?
Hm-hm...
Shalimar, an evening in Paris and Chanel number five....
I worked in a drugstore. [Nervous laughter]
You always had the softest hair.
Barney I...
I think that... We'd better...
Better what?
Go.
Oh yeah.
Now is your Mr.
Right gonna stand you up again?
No.
Today, Mr. Right... Is right on time.
Hi, Julie.
Hi, Jim.
Oh, I'm beat...
I'm sorry I couldn't make it yesterday
but those old folks ran me ragged.
I don't know where they get the energy.
It seems that the sea air does wonders for them.
I think one of those iced teas would do wonders for me.
Comin' up.
Thanks...
Seeing you does wonders for me, too.
Ooh, if you're trying to sweep me off my feet it's working.
Mmm...
I mean it.
All day long I've been thinking about being with you...
Just sharing a quiet moment...Just the two of us.
[Scottish bagpipe playing]
You're about to hear a word that you've never heard
any scotsman say before...
Give me an Irish whiskey.
No...the drinks are on me.
Aah!
♪ ♪
Kitty: Clyde...
I want to talk with you.
Kitty: You're acting like a twelve-year-old...
Well, I can wait here as long as you can...
Okay, nobody talk but me.
Kelly rixie...This simple-minded boy has turned into lousy
company and I hear from little birds here and there that you're
not any prize either.
Kitty: Now you two dingbats go back to being friends
like civilized folks, or else...
Ah. Hey!
I haven't finished my soup!
Did they ever find out...Who--
in that girl's galoshes?
No.
Think about it for a minute.
What motive could someone have to do a thing like that?
Revenge, right?
Wrong.
Lucille rumbo was a perfectly harmless girl.
She couldn't even hurt a flea.
A-ha...there's your answer Watson.
Who logically would get revenge on someone who couldn't hurt a flea?
Lucille dumbo's own dog.
Holmes, I think you've got it.
Elementary, my dear Watson.
Elementary.
I didn't plan on this.
[Scoffs] Neither did I.
I don't know what came over me.
I put my arms around you and...
It was like we were still married.
Yeah.
Do you think we made a mistake?
Yeah, we made a hell of a mistake.
I'm not married to you anymore.
No, I mean do you think we were wrong about splitting up?
Come on, we had a lot going for us....
Why...why did we rush blindly into a divorce?
Bar...
Barney...we split and reconciled three times.
That's hardly rushing blindly...
Life was not a poem, barn.
Wasn't this poetry?
Oh, sex isn't everything.
Well, it sure beats whatever's in second place.
What about sharing?
What about respect for the other person's feelings?
What about unselfish devotion?
I'd rate them about twenty-seven...
Twenty-eight and twenty-nine.
I just figured something out.
The reason I've been so angry with you since our divorce
is because I still felt something for you.
I didn't understand why we couldn't work it out
and now I understand.
What I felt for you was just some leftover passion.
What I have with rod is much more than that.
How's he in the poetry department?
You'll never change.
Listen, some people don't want me to change.
Well, some people don't know you as well as I do.
Judy happens to think I'm the living end.
How 'bout that?
Oh, well so did I the first week we were married.
Come on.
One week out of ten years?
Well, there might have been some other odd moments.
Thank you very much.
That does a lot for my ego.
Barney, you are what you are.
What's that?
A very selfish guy whose only concern is himself.
What do you think you are?
St. Francis of assisi?
Oh, my god....We've been here for over an hour...
Come on, hurry up get dressed.
Terry: Yes.
I mean now, Terry, don't do your slow motion act.
Don't boss me, I'm not your wife!
Well, that's the luckiest break of my life.
You're lucky?
I feel like I won the Irish sweepstakes.
It's a shame, isn't it?
What?
What we've got that's good is very good and...
What we've got that's bad is really rotten.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Nobody said we were perfect.
You're certainly not.
[Laughs]
You know I really like you...
[Laughs]
I just can't stand you.
I think I hate you, too.
What you have to remember is that the hairless dalmatians
don't get fleas.
You mean...
Yes, Watson... Stop giggling.
Lucille dumbo has fleas and you made the whole thing up
so I wouldn't hate you anymore.
Shananananananana...
Shaboom!
Graham: I wish this cruise wasn't gonna end tomorrow.
Kelly: Yeah...We got off to a great start, huh?
Graham: We were both nervous.
Speak for yourself...
Who gave the waiter a piece of kleenex, huh?
You know I think...
What?
I think that I uh...
Yeah?
Did you ever kiss anybody before?
Have you?
No.
♪ ♪
Hey, dinner was great.
I haven't eaten alone since yesterday.
I'm sorry, Julie.
I really am.
But the gang got me involved in a marathon ping-pong tournament.
Oh? How'd you do?
How else?
I lost...Ten games, six pounds.
Am I losing you too?
No..
Come on, Jimmy boy, let's boogie.
After the dance.
You won't live that long.
♪ ♪
[Knocks on door]
It's me Jim.
Just a second...
You look terrible.
I don't feel terrible.
I feel miserable.
Oh...
Oh, come cheer me up.
Let me fix you a drink first, okay?
Mmmm...
Good...good...
Would you believe that they're still down there dancing...
And the band left an hour ago.
You know I was about to give up on this whole thing...
But then I realized that business comes first.
I just thank goodness we've
finally got a moment to ourselves...
You know it's our last night and we only got in one kiss.
I'm eligible for the Doris day award.
There are so many things I don't know about you...
Like what schools you went to, what kind of sports you like...
Jim?
[Jim snoring]
Jim...
[Snoring]
You look very nice tonight...
Thank you.
Cheers.
Captain (v.O.): The Princess will be arriving in Los Angeles in thirty minutes.
I didn't wear half these things.
You should have remembered the old rule...
You bring half as many clothes and twice as much money.
Rod, can I tell you something?
Hm-hm.
I think you're a very intelligent man.
If I were that smart I would have brought half the clothes.
I mean it.
Remember when you told me that I should confront Barney
and get whatever feelings I have for him out in the open...
Resolve the situation.
Well......yeah?
Well...
I love you very much.
That's all you have to say.
♪ ♪
I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you, too.
Yesterday was the greatest day of my life.
Mine too.
We have to see each other when we get back, okay?
Yeah.
Well, goodbye, Kelly.
Goodbye...
I love you.
What?
I love you.
Oh...
Well, aren't you gonna say it back?
Um...
The claw, we apologize to the charming lady,
but there's no time to waste...
We must stop the plot against the king.
Kitty: Come on, Graham, it's time to get ready.
Goodbye.
Boys.
In about thirty minutes... This cruise is gonna be over.
How would you describe this whirlwind romance?
Kinda like ships that pass in the night.
More like ships that pass out in the night...
[Laughter]
I promise you, when I see you in L.A.
That I'll stay awake for the entire date.
We still have those thirty minutes.
[Scotsmans coughs loud]
Do you want to bet?
Uh, we...We've come to tell you somethin'...
Go ahead tell them.
Me...me...me...well, well, my sister and I...
Alright, I'll tell him.
We came to say we're sorry...
We know if we hadn't monopolized Jimmy boy, you and he would have
as they say in our day....No, they never said that in our day.
You don't have to apologize, miss Spencer.
Spencer: Oh, I'm not.
I'm explaining.
You see at the golden ages home where we live...
Oh, it's nice, but...It's dull.
So once a year we go away and raise cane.
If we did it twice a year
they'd take away the warranty on my pacemaker.
[Laughter]
So we're selfish, our fun got in the way of yours.
We're sorry, but we're realistic.
You've got more time than we do.
Oh, don't say that.
We don't want you to feel sorry for us...
We just want you to understand.
We understand....
Believe me.
♪ ♪
Jim: Well...
I...better get the group ready to go ashore.
I'll be in touch.
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Well, Kelly, how'd everything work out?
Well...
I guess he's just one of those guys you never quite figure out.
Graham: Kelly!
Hey, Kelly!
That thing you said you'd do, well I do too, I really do.
What's he mean by that?
The claw will never tell you that information.
She will die first.
[Roaring]
Judy, it was really nice meeting you
but we should have won that bingo game.
Yeah, I think that little old lady rigged it.
Hey, rod, I got to tell you somethin'...
You're not a bad guy.
I mean you're a lousy marriage counsellor
but you're not a bad guy.
Let's hope Judy and I never have to do business with you.
Are you getting married?
Yeah, I need a tax break...
I love her.
Terry: Congratulations.
Thanks.
And good luck.
Judy: Thanks.
Ah, we ought to get goin'.
Yes, we should.
♪ ♪