"Love
exciting and new
come aboard
we're expecting you
love
life's sweetest reward
let it flow
it floats back to you
the love boat
soon we'll be making another run.
The love boat
promises something for everyone
set a course for adventure
your mind on a new romance
and love
won't hurt anymore
it's an open smile
on a friendly shore
it's love
welcome aboard it's love."
Isaac: Julie, what's the problem?
Gopher: And you're worried about how you look?
For a trainee?
Julie: Well, it's up to me to set a good example for her.
Gopher: Oh, it's a her!?
Doc: A her?...
Does my shirt look okay?
Isaac: Hey, what about my tie?
Gopher: What about my hair?
Julie: Okay, you guys, cut it out.
She's here to learn the business, not get it.
Now, behave yourselves.
Gopher: Behave yourselves.
Julie: Starting right now.
Connie: Uh, miss McCoy?
Julie: Connie Evans?
Connie: Yes.
Julie: Welcome aboard.
Connie: Thank you.
Gopher: Ah, well, yeoman purser Smith at your service.
Isaac: Isaac Washington, chief barman.
Doc: I'm Dr. Adam bricker, the ship's physician.
If you have any questions about your body...
Julie: Doc!
Connie: It's really nice to meet you all.
Julie: Connie, don't let these clowns scare you.
The rest of the crew is normal.
Gopher: Oh, Connie, believe me, we're the only ones worth knowing.
The rest of the crew is strictly chopped liver.
Captain: And, on behalf of all of us chopped liver, allow me to introduce myself.
I'm captain stubing.
Gopher: I'm just leaving.
Isaac: Uh...nice meeting you...
Doc: My offer still holds.
Connie: Okay.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
I've heard so much about you.
Captain: Why, thank you.
I, I'm delighted to have you with us.
I'm sure you'll learn a great deal from miss McCoy.
Connie: You don't know how grateful I am for this opportunity.
Julie is supposed to be the best cruise director afloat.
Julie: Well, I don't know about the best.
But, then, who am I to judge?
Think I'd better start cruise directing.
Captain: Yes.
Carry on...
Carry on.
Connie: Everybody is so nice.
I'd give anything to have your job...On another boat, I mean.
Julie: Well, we start with passengers.
Now, as they come on, just make sure that they know what their room number is...
Gopher: Who's next, please?
Durwood: Oh, here I am, durwood moss.
Maisie: I was next.
Durwood: Madam, please.
Maisie: I was here first!
Maisie Nolan.
Miss maisie Nolan.
Gopher: Right.
Miss Nolan...
You're in cabin f-one thirty five, fiesta deck.
And, Mr. Moss...
Durwood: Yes.
Gopher: You're...right next door.
Durwood: Thanks very much.
Age before beauty, miss Nolan.
Maisie: I believe you have that wrong.
It's "pearls before swine".
Durwood: Ah, what's so funny?
Julie: Well, we're practically neighbors!
I grew up in forest grove!
Richard: You're kidding!
You hear that, sweetheart?
Julie: Oh, I really miss that place.
My parents grew up there, and their parents before them.
Connie: Well, sounds like a perfect place to raise kids.
Richard: Perfect.
Connie: Do you have any kids?
Sharon: Excuse me.
Richard: Sharon!
Connie: Did I say something wrong?
Richard: Our little boy...He was eight years old.
Excuse me.
Julie: Well, how were you gonna know?
Now, don't worry, I'll take care of it.
Connie: Okay.
Captain: Well...
You must be a good student if Julie left you on your own already.
Connie: Well, actually, Julie had to go apologize to one of the passengers.
Something she said upset them.
Captain: Oh?
That's not like her.
Connie: Well, even the best make mistakes sometimes.
Doc: Er, what's Connie Evans' cabin number?
I, I tell you why I gotta know, because what if she has some sort of attack in the middle of the night?
Doc: Come on, gopher.
Gopher: Doc, please, I'm busy, I'm short one passenger.
Theodore dennison, Jr.
Theodore: I'm Theodore dennison, Jr.
Gopher: Well, Mr. D., welcome aboard.
Listen, you better tell your folks to hurry up, or they're not gonna make it.
Theodore: Nah, you see...
Gopher: Please...
Theodore: My folks are not tryin' to make it.
They're back in stockton...
But it's okay.
Hey, look...I, I got permission.
Doc: What does it say?
Gopher: Theodore paid for his cruise out of his newspaper money, and he is old enough to travel alone.
Signed, "mom".
Doc: Look, son, I, I think we're gonna have to talk to your parents about this.
What's your phone number?
Theodore: Ah...forgot.
Gopher: Well, what's your father's first name?
Theodore: I forgot.
Doc: It's obviously Theodore, since his name is Theodore dennison junior.
Gopher: I forgot...
But, you can't call stockton now, because the phone won't work till the ship's out of port.
Doc: I forgot.
Excuse me.
Gopher: Just a moment...Right.
Theodore: Take your time, take your time.
Doc: Tell him you don't take passengers under four foot three.
Gopher: We can't leave a kid his age stranded in Los Angeles!
Doc: You can't leave a kid my age stranded in Los Angeles.
I'd argue more, but we're sailing.
Gopher: Well, Mr. D., allow me to show you to your cabin, sir.
Theodore: All right!!
Durwood: Excuse me.
Miss Nolan?...
Okay, maisie, where did you put my shorts?
Maisie: Are you crazy?
Yelling about your shorts in the middle of the hall!
If anybody finds out we're married, you're gonna blow the whole idea.
Durwood: Well, separate vacations wasn't my idea.
Maisie: Some separate vacations!
You took the cabin right next door.
Believe me, this is not what the marriage counselor had in mind.
Durwood: Ah, that guy was a waste of money.
Look, maisie, you know I love you.
Maisie: Oh, you sure never tell me anymore.
Durwood: I just told you.
Remember me?
Tall guy with glasses, standing right here.
Maisie: Very funny, very funny...
It's not the same.
Oh, you used to be so romantic.
Remember, durwood?
You remember when you used to call me long distance in the middle of the night?
Durwood: Well, the rates were cheaper after eleven.
Maisie: You really know how to win a woman's heart, durwood.
Durwood: Oh, maisie, come on, sweetheart, now listen....
Maisie: No, no, now, let go...
Get out.
You can't come here, hoping to make up now...
I, oh, I want someone to say i'm wonderful and...
Pretty and, and desirable, and...Well, if my own husband
can't make me feel that way, then I'm just gonna find somebody who can.
Durwood: Oh, yeah; Well, lots of luck!
There's only six hundred people on this ship.
Maisie: Well, all I need is one!
Durwood: Okay, miss Nolan, if that's the way you want it, those are the rules.
But, remember, two can play at that game.
Maisie: And your shorts are in the side pocket next to your dentucreme!
Gopher: So, what made you select our particular ship for your trip, Mr.
Dennison?
Theodore: Well, I heard the food was good, you know?
Doc: You musta heard right.
That's your fourth hot dog.
Sharon: Richard, I'm sorry about today; You know, boarding the ship.
Richard: Forget it.
Sharon: I just want you to know I appreciate you not mentioning it all day.
Richard: Well, what can I say?
I'm a perfect husband.
And you're a perfect wife.
Let's have a perfect dinner.
Sharon: And a perfect evening.
Richard: Perfect.
Maisie: Oh, hi.
Hi, honey.
I'm maisie Nolan.
Would you happen to know where table nine is?
Julie: Yes, I would.
It's right over here.
Maisie: Oh, thanks.
Julie: Hey, you're in for some very pleasant company.
Maisie: I see what you mean!
Durwood: Evening.
Jack: Evening.
Maisie: Oh, now I see it.
Now I don't.
Julie: Hello.
Miss maisie Nolan, may I present, Mr...?
Jack: Jack Plymouth.
Maisie: Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Jack: My pleasure.
Julie: And, Mr...
Durwood: Durwood moss.
Maisie: Swell.
Julie: Well, how 'bout I just leave you folks to get acquainted?
Durwood: Thank you.
Maisie: Ah, thanks, honey, bye!
Julie: Bye, bye.
Maisie: Thank you.
Thank you...
Ah, ah...Mr...?
Jack: Plymouth.
Maisie: Plymouth...plymouth, yes; What do you do, Mr.
Plymouth?
Jack: I'm in life insurance.
Maisie: Oh, that's absolutely fascinating.
Durwood: Yes.
Mortality tables really liven up an evening.
Jack: I don't think Mr.
Moss wants to hear about it.
Maisie: Oh, well, Mr.
Moss can just....
Barbi: Is this table number nine?
Durwood: Well, it can be any number you want.
Barbi: Oh, then I'd like it to be nine.
Durwood: Good.
Just...
Barbi: This is my very first cruise, on the sea.
Hi.
Durwood: Hi.
Barbi: I'm barbi.
Durwood: I'm Ken...I mean...Durwood...
Oh, don't mind them, they're insurance freaks.
Now, why don't you tell me the story of your life?
Barbi: My life?
Durwood: Um hm.
Barbi: Oooh...
Durwood: Or any life you might want to tell me about.
Theodore: Well, if you're a doctor, how come you don't work in, in a hospital?
Doc: Well, everyone at the hospital ate an apple a day...
Theodore: Um hm.
Doc: And that's what kept me away.
Sharon: I, I'm sorry.
I...that migraine's starting again.
Richard: Sharon, you gotta stop this.
You can't run every time you hear a little boy laugh.
Sharon: Richard, please...
Richard: No.
Sharon, we start now.
If we don't, we never will.
Sharon: I can't.
Captain: Good evening.
Gopher: Evening, sir.
Captain: Any clues on our mystery boy?
Doc: No, it's still a mystery.
Gopher: I can't reach his parents.
The stockton police don't know anything.
And he sure ain't talking.
Theodore: See, that's because...I have good table manners, yeah.
I never talk with my mouth full.
Julie: Maybe we better try his parents again.
Gopher: Right.
Excuse me.
Doc: Julie, sit here.
Julie: Oh...
Thank you.
Captain: Excuse me, please.
Doc: You okay?
Julie: Yes, thank you.
Captain: About that dress you're almost wearing...
Connie: You don't like it?
Captain: Well, I've picked up survivors at sea with more on.
Just change.
Connie: I didn't want to wear this, but Julie thought it would make a good impression.
Don't tell her I told you; Listen, I'm sure she meant well.
I'll go change.
Maisie: Oh, Jack, Jack, you can't mean that; Why, we just met
Jack: Believe me, I see you as the one person in this room who deserves
the benefits of our convertible retirement income plan.
Maisie: Oh, Jack, the things you say!
Barbi: And then, when I was three, I ate my first zucchini.
My mother grew it in our own backyard.
It gave me these terrible bumps all over my body.
Durwood: Wonderful
Isaac: Here you go.
Two Tequila sunrises.
Durwood: Thank you.
Barbi: I was telling you all about my body, and you weren't interested.
Durwood: Oh, I am interested, believe me.
Yes.
Isaac: I believe him...
Just trying to help.
Barbi: You're very special to me.
Durwood: I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
What?
Barbi: I said you're very special to me...
But, I won't tell you why.
Durwood: Oh!
Why don't you go ahead and tell me?
Barbi: All right.
Because you remind me of my father.
Durwood: You shouldn't have told me.
Maisie: Oh, Jack, I'm having the most wonderful evening!
I could listen to your sweet talk forever.
Richard: Let him go, Sharon.
Sharon: I can't...I can't...I can't.
Richard: Sharon, no more...No more.
Terry is gone.
Don't do this to yourself.
To us.
We knew when he was born.
The doctors told us two years at the most.
But, we were blessed.
We had him for eight glorious years.
We have to be thankful for that.
Sharon: Thankful?!
Why him?!
Why us?!
Richard: No one knows those things, baby.
But, we can't stop living.
That's a terrible thing to do to Terry's memory.
We can't destroy the only thing we have left of him.
Sharon: Oh, Richard...
How does it make sense?
To get hurt so much for loving so much?
Oh, Richard.
Richard: I don't know, baby.
I don't know.
I guess nobody does.
Sharon: Yeah...
Oh...I'd better get us unpacked.
Half of the stuff is still in the bags.
Richard: Here, I'll help.
Sharon: No!
I want you to get out of here and give me some room.
Richard: Okay...I'll go to the lounge and have a drink...
Sharon: Okay.
Richard: I love you, Sharon.
Sharon: Don't stop.
Oh, god, please don't stop.
Richard....
Oh...
Gopher: He should be in his room, sir.
Captain: Well, I just want to let him know what's happening.
Gopher: Mr. Dennison!
Theodore: Hey.
Captain: Just the man I'm looking for.
Gopher: Mr. D., you are in a lot of trouble.
You remember the captain?
Theodore: Hey, yeah, what's happening, man?
Captain: Yes.
Well, we finally reached your parents, and, well, they've been chasing around all night, trying to find you.
Theodore, you got 'em worried sick.
Theodore: Hey, man, they, they're not worried about me.
They, they worried about themselves.
They, they, they fight.
They, they talkin' about gettin' a divorce.
Hey, look, I figure if they splittin', I'm splittin'.
Gopher: Mr. Dennison, you're a pretty gutsy guy, but...
Captain: But, we think you should know, that your parents plan on meeting
the ship in puerto vallarta, and they want to take you back home with them.
Theodore: Hey, look, I got no home...
When do we get to this puerto place?
Captain: Day after tomorrow.
Theodore: Hey, maybe by then I'll have a home.
I'll see you'all guys later man, be cool!
Captain: Be cool?
Gopher: Be cool.
Julie: Well, you must have heard wrong.
Why would Connie tell a lie like that?
Isaac: Because she couldn't think of anything better.
Maisie: We just met.
Jack: Maisie, I'm offering you something I couldn't offer anybody else.
Maisie: Jack, I'm sorry, but I really don't need a homeowner's policy...
I mean...Don't rush me.
A woman needs time.
Jack: But my policy is...
Maisie: Honesty...
Honesty is the best policy.
And I, I honestly don't think I can go through with this
not on our first date....
Ah-hah!
You eavesdropper!
Well, I'm glad you heard what went on.
It's obvious that Jack's crazy about me.
I had to fight to keep him out of my cabin.
Durwood: Are you kidding?
He was trying to sell you insurance in the middle of the night.
Let's face it.
Nothing's happening there, and nothing is going to.
Maisie: Oh, really?
Oh, really?!
Well, you just tune in tomorrow night and you'll hear something that'll make your ears drop off!!
Theodore: Oh, excuse me, mister, could I please come in?
Richard: Come in.
Theodore: Thanks...
It, it almost got me!
Richard: Who?
Theodore: A kinda king Kong thing with fins.
Richard: Oh, a nightmare?
Theodore: Is, is it okay if I sit down, just for a minute?
Richard: Sure.
Theodore: I'm...theodore from next door.
Richard: Where are your parents, Theodore?
Theodore: I, I don't have any.
I'm alone.
Richard: Who's taking care of you?
Theodore: I, I can take care of myself.
I, I can handle anything, except nightmares.
Richard: Okay.
You stay here with us, till you feel better.
Theodore: That may be a while.
I'm a slow healer.
Richard: Well, why don't I order some milk?
It, it's great for nightmares.
Theodore: I already had the nightmare.
But, how about some hot chocolate?
Richard: Okay.
Theodore: When I had parents, you know, like before and I had bad dreams,
my mother, she used to let me get in bed with her.
Sharon: Come on.
There...
Now, you're gonna be just fine.
That old monster wouldn't dare come after you here.
Theodore: Yeah?
Sharon: Yeah.
Gopher: Don't ask me to tell you because it's a secret.
Julie: What's a secret?
Gopher: Connie and me.
I told you not to ask me, you know I can't keep a secret.
Doc: Connie and you?
That's funny, 'cause last night in the moonlight, it was Connie and me!
Gopher: Oh, you poor gullible fool you.
Doc: Me?
Isaac: I'll tell you who's gullible...
You!
That girl's only after one thing...Your job.
And she'll use anybody to try and get it.
Doc: Come to think of it, she did ask me if you had a long term contract.
Julie: Honestly, you guys, and they say women are suspicious.
Isaac: Let's see, you're a Tom Collins.
You are a gin and tonic, and you are a zombie.
Nothing personal.
Durwood: Well...i didn't know they made orthopedic bathing suits.
Maisie: Oh, listen to the sexpot.
No sex and all pot.
Durwood: I'd love to stand here and watch the sun dry you out, but barbi and I have plans.
First a little fiesta, and then a little siesta.
If you know what that means.
Maisie: Oh, sure.
One drink, and you're out cold.
Richard: Here he comes.
Sharon: Hey, good morning, Theodore.
Theodore: S-say, what?
Sharon: Good morning.
Theodore: Oh, oh.
Good morning.
Sharon: Good morning.
Theodore: Listen, can I ask you something?
Sharon: Sure.
Theodore: Well...would you adopt me?
...I'm a nice kid, affectionate.
And, and I work hard, and I had a paper route ever since I was six.
And, oh, oh, and I'm gonna grow taller.
Richard: Look, Theodore, I...
Theodore: I, I'd be perfect for your kids to play with...
That is your son, the picture in the room?
Richard: Theodore...
Sharon: It's okay...Theodore...Our son died.
Theodore: Oh.
Sharon: Yes.
Theodore: Then we'd be perfect for each other.
Well, seeing as how you're kinda like orphans, too.
Richard: You look beautiful!
Sharon: Well, you're lookin' pretty good yourself.
You know, Theodore thinks you are very together.
Richard: Listen, hon, about Theodore...
Sharon: Isn't he something?
Can you imagine, a kid with his background, one orphanage after another, and he still turned out great.
Hey, Richard, with the advantages we could give him.
Richard: Sharon, he has parents.
Sharon: He does not.
Richard: I spoke to the captain today.
He ran away from home.
His parents are coming to pick him up in puerto vallarta.
Sharon: I see, and who paid for his cabin on the ship?
Richard: He did, with his newspaper route money.
Sharon: That's ridiculous.
He just told everybody that story because he doesn't want 'em to know the truth.
Richard, nobody wants him.
He, he told me, his, his uncle in Mexico paid for the trip.
Theodore is being forced on him, because he happens to be a relative.
He's gonna be taken off this ship to live the rest of his childhood with a man who doesn't give a damn about him.
Richard: Sweetheart, even if that were true, which I doubt, we couldn't do anything about it!
Sharon: Can we just see what happens in puerto vallarta?
Please.
Richard: Okay.
Sharon: Thank you.
Theodore: Guess who's coming to dinner!
Julie: Hey, guys, what do you think of my idea for the captain's cocktail party?
Wild west night.
We'll get all the crew and all the passengers and everybody to dress up in western clothes.
And, we'll have the waiters wear big, old handlebar mustaches, and big cowboy hats, and...
Oh, and we'll serve mugs of beer, and red eye, and we'll just all
sit around and sing all those old western songs.
What do you think?
Gopher: Yeah.
Captain: I think that's terrific.
Good evening, all.
Gopher: Good evening, sir.
Captain: Miss Evans has just told me about a wonderful idea she has for my farewell cocktail party.
A wild west night.
Gopher: No kidding.
Hey, guys, I'll bet the waiters can wear cowboy hats, and handlebar mustaches.
Isaac: And we can serve beer in mugs and red eye.
Doc: And sing all the old-fashioned western songs?
Gopher: Darn tootin'.
Captain: Well, I see she's already told you.
Julie: How did you ever think of it?
Connie: Just came to me.
Captain: And since this is miss Evans' own idea, I think we should let her handle all of it.
Julie: I was just about to make that very same suggestion.
Captain: Good.
Shall we?
Connie: Yes.
Julie: How 'bout that?
Gopher: Yeah.
And I thought you said it was your idea.
Sharon: Theodore, open the door.
Theodore, we're gonna talk to your uncle.
We're gonna try and work something out.
Come on.
Theodore: No way, man.
They'll never take me alive.
Sharon: I have tried everything.
He won't come out.
Richard: Well, it's kind of academic now.
Nobody showed up to claim him.
Theodore: Nobody?
Richard: Sorry.
Sharon: Hey...theodore, you got us...
Hey!
Captain: Yes, Mrs. Dennison, I understand.
Will you still be able to make connections?
Um-hm, that's good.
Oh, believe me, he's getting along just fine.
Yes, there's a young couple on board who are spending a lot of time with him.
No, I understand.
Yeah, so, we'll see you in Mazatlan.
Good, and don't worry, he's getting along just fine.
Theodore: Yeah!!
Richard: Watch out for the sharks.
Sharon: Wooo...
Here you go.
Theodore: Did you like that, Mrs. Baker?
Sharon: I thought that was terrific.
You're probably gonna be in the next Olympics.
Theodore: Next Olympics?
Yeah.
Um...mrs. Baker, it, it's an awful lot of words...
Well, is it okay if I call you mom?
Just for the trip?
Sharon: Sure, it's okay.
Julie: May I come in?
Connie: Of course.
Julie: I just wanted to be sure that everything was alright for the party tonight.
Connie: Down to the last detail.
I just happened to come across your notes in the office.
Julie: How could you miss them?
They were in the back of the third draw under a box of tissues...
At any rate, if you need help, I'm available.
Connie: You know I am after your job, and yet here you are, offering to make my party a success.
Why?
Julie: It has nothing to do with you.
I have a responsibility to this ship and to captain stubing.
Connie: That is very conscientious of you.
But...i don't think you're gonna have that burden on your shoulders much longer.
The captain and I are becoming very close...
Did you see these?
..."tonight is only the beginning...Merrill".
Did he ever send you flowers?
Julie: Many times.
Connie: Oh.
Julie: When I had the flu, when I broke my leg.
Connie: Not exactly the same thing, is it?...
Hello?
Intercut gopher in captain's v voice
gopher: Did you get my roses?
Connie: Oh, it's you.
Hello, yes!
Yes, they are beautiful.
Gopher: She buys it!!
...oh, please, call me merrill.
Doc: Call me a cab.
Connie: Well, if you insist, merrill.
Gopher: I'd like you to do something for me, miss Evans.
Connie: Uh-huh.
Captain: I'm going to have a very important guest at the party tonight.
A Mr. Humbertson.
I'd like you to give him some special attention, if you know what I mean.
Connie: What kind of special attention did you have in mind?
...really?
Sharon: ...Big enough for the two of us.
You're the only person in here that looks like a real cowboy.
Richard: Who are you, Billy the kid?
Theodore: Billy?
Naw, ain't you ever hear of black Bart?
Gopher: Oh, look at you.
Isaac: Eh!
Now, here you go there, Julie.
How is the head on this here, beer?
Julie: The only head I want is blonde and mounted on a wall.
Doc: Oh, lighten up, Julie, it's a wonderful party.
Julie: Will you lookey here.
Why is she wearing that dress?
She knows captain stubing hates it?
Doc: Maybe he asked her to wear it.
Gopher: Yeah, maybe he phoned her and said (captain stubing's voice) "Wear the low-cut gown.
It really turns me on".
He could have said a lot of things.
Julie: You didn't!
Gopher: You oughta hear my John Wayne.
That's not it, of course.
Connie: Good evening!
Captain: Why, thank you, Mr. Humbertson.
I've got a great crew.
Connie: Hi, darling.
Captain: Miss Evans...
Uh, this is...Our assistant cruise director.
Humbertson: How do you do?
Connie: You must be Mr. Humbertson.
You are every bit as cute as merrill said you were.
Why don't we take a little stroll around the deck?
Humbertson: Not right now.
Thank you.
Connie: Well...why don't we have a little dance?
I think they're playing our song.
Captain: Miss Evans!
Humbertson: Uh, miss Evans, we have no song, and when I stroll on deck, I usually stroll with my wife.
Excuse us...Doris.
Captain: Excuse us, Mr.
Humbertson, this has been a terrible...Mistake.
Connie: What happened, merrill?
Captain: This way, miss Evans.
Connie: But, this was Julie's fault, all of it.
Captain: Then consider yourself lucky, miss Evans.
After you leave the ship tomorrow, you won't have to work with her anymore!
Connie: I'm fired?
Captain: Exactly...
Yes, come in!
Julie: Captain, I think there's something you should know.
Connie was sandbagged.
Captain: I beg your pardon?
Julie: Someone on the crew imitated your voice, sir, and set Connie up
so that she'd embarrass herself tonight at your party.
They did it to protect me.
They knew she was after my job.
Captain: Your job?
Julie: Yes.
Captain: This girl isn't qualified to do half your job.
Sandbagged or not, you should have had more common sense than to throw yourself at a passenger!
Goodnight, miss Evans...
Goodbye!
Connie: I don't understand you.
I have pulled every trick in the book to make you look bad.
Why'd you stick up for me?
Julie: Because I think you have potential.
You just need to stop scheming and start working.
Connie: It's never been easy for me to say I'm sorry.
But, I am.
I really am.
And I deserved everything the crew did to me tonight.
I have a lot to learn.
Julie: Yes, you do.
Humbertson: Oh, excuse me, I was looking for...
Oh, there you are.
My wife went to sleep.
Could we take that stroll around the deck now?
Durwood: Well, I used to do a little bit of that stuff.
Barbi: Well, you finally invited me to your cabin.
I was afraid you were gonna be a gentleman for the whole trip.
Durwood: Your worries are over, my dear, don't worry about a thing.
Just get this key in the old lock here, let's see.
What the heck's the matter with this, it doesn't seem to work.
Maisie: Oh, um, oh, it's you, Mr. Moss.
Durwood: Oh, I'm sorry.
Wrong room.
I was a little preoccupied.
It's kinda hard to concentrate with barbi around.
Barbi: Oh, durwood, you say the cutest things.
Durwood: Well, sorry to disturb your sleep, miss Nolan.
Maisie: Oh, don't worry about it.
I, I'm not ready for bed...Yet.
Jack: Who is it, maisie baby?
Maisie: Oh, it's just old Mr.
Moss, honey.
Let's boogie.
Durwood: Get in here.
Barbi: You're a very sexy man, durwood.
You just need the right girl to turn you on.
Durwood: Oh, well, you do.
You do.
Barbi: I don't know.
You don't act like it.
Durwood: Well, I'm sorry, it's just all that terrible music coming from the next cabin.
It's destroying the mood.
Well, you'd think people'd have a little consideration.
Barbi: You just don't like me.
Durwood: Are you kidding?
I do, I do.
If only they'd turn off that darn...They turned it off.
They turned it off!
Barbi: Oh, good.
Durwood: Would you like a drink?
Barbi: I could use one.
Durwood: Okay, what would you like?
Barbi: Well, how about that creme De menthe?
Durwood: That's after shave.
Barbi: Oh, whatever.
Durwood: Oh, well...That doesn't....
Barbi: What are you doing with that glass?
Durwood: This is the way you test fine crystal.
Isn't that fine?
Jack: Oh, maisie, it takes a real woman, like you, to take my mind off the rat race.
I haven't said floater or double indemnity all night.
Not with...Not with my husband next door.
Jack: That's your husband?
...in the next cabin?
...with that blonde?
...and I'm in here with you?
...call me a prude, lady, but I want no part of a kinky scene like this.
Maisie: Bye, Jack.
Durwood: Oh...oh, dear...
Maisie: Oh...what a night!
Oh!
Oh, good morning.
Durwood: Morning.
Maisie: Um, did you...Sleep well?
Durwood: No.
No, as a matter of fact, I hardly got a wink all night...
Well, no hurry getting dressed, I'll see you on deck.
Maisie: No one in there, huh?
Durwood: Nothing happened in there either, right?...
I was so jealous of you and that guy.
Maisie: Oh, all I kept thinking about was you and that...Barbi.
Durwood: Nah.
Maisie...i love you.
Maisie: You do?
Durwood: Yes.
Very much.
And from now on, I'm gonna tell you so often you're gonna get sick of hearing about it.
Maisie: Oh, durwood.
Durwood: Incidentally, you came on this cruise to relax, right?
Well, I'm gonna see to it that you don't go home empty-handed.
Maisie: Your place or mine?
Durwood: Yours...and then...Mine...And then yours, and then mine, and then yours.
Sharon: I don't know what's with him today.
I mean he seems like he's got something on his mind, but he doesn't want to talk about it.
Richard: We need to talk, too, Sharon, about Theodore.
Okay, okay, we're in Mazatlan now, do you see any parents?...
There's the steward with our lunch.
Julie: Hello, Richard...Sharon.
Mr.
And Mrs. Dennison.
They're Theodore's parents.
Mrs. Dennison: How do you do?
Richard: Please come in.
Julie: Mr. and Mrs. Dennison, I'd like you to meet the bakers.
They've been very nice to your son.
Mrs. Dennison: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You've been very kind.
Theodore: Go away.
I don't know who they are.
I swear I don't.
Mr. Dennison: Theodore, don't you think you've hurt your mother enough?
Theodore: She's not my mother.
Not any more....
You don't want me.
Neither one of you do!
Sharon: Hey, Theodore, stop it.
Mr. Dennison: Baby, listen.
We got ourselves together.
Well, we know you heard us fighting.
That's why you ran away.
But everything's fine now.
We love you.
Come back home...Please.
Theodore: It's too late.
Got somebody now.
Sharon: Theodore...you...you remember I was telling you about my son?
And how he went away.
Well, I want you to know what that does to the parents.
They can't sleep at night, because they lie awake, thinking about their lost little boy.
Then...well...every, every time they, every time they turn around, they see his face.
And every time they hear a child laugh, they hear him laugh.
And...and they wish, and they wish that...He'd come back again, so they'd have somebody to love...
So, they could tell him just once more how much they love him...
Now...now, I want you to go with your folks, because they need you.
Hey, they need you.
Theodore: No.
Sharon: Hey, kid, stop it.
Theodore: I can't.
Sharon: Honey, they can't make it without you.
Now, you go on.
Richard: You okay?
Sharon: Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna be just fine.
Connie: Julie...i don't know how to thank you for everything you taught me.
Julie: How to be a cruise director in six easy lessons.
Connie: No.
A refresher course in how to become a human being.
Julie: You're gonna be fine.
Connie: Thank you.
Bye...
Julie: Good luck.
Connie: Thank you.
Maisie: Oh, gopher, I had the best vacation I've had in my whole life!
Gopher: Oh, well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, miss Nolan.
Maisie: Mrs. Moss.
Say it again.
Durwood: I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Maisie: Again.
Durwood: I love you.
Doc: That's funny.
I don't remember giving them a blood test.
Barbi: If we're gonna share a cab, we better hurry before they're all taken.
Jack: Yeah, just a minute...
Now, captain, about that insurance.
Captain: Now, I told you, Mr.
Plymouth, I don't need any more life insurance.
Jack: Accident?
Captain: I have it.
Jack: Health?
Captain: That, too.
Jack: Theft?
Captain: Uh, not really.
Whenever I dock the ship, I always take the key out of the ignition.
I...hope I see you again.
Jack: You know, barbi, i'd really like to handle your policies.
Barbi: Ooh!
Julie: Oh, you know we never did get a chance to talk about the old home town.
I'll tell you what. We'll do it when you move back home to raise your family.
Well that probably a while.
No Julie, you have to hurry.See our kid is going to need a friend to play with.
I never did want to adopt, but you know how women are...
She's got this crazy idea that kids are kids.
You can't tell a woman anything these days.
Sharon: Oh, thanks for everything, Julie.
Richard: Goodbye.
Julie: Good luck.
Sharon: Goodbye.