"Love
exciting and new.
Come aboard,
we're expecting you.
Love,
life's sweetest reward
let if flow,
it floats back you.
The love boat,
soon we'll be making another run
the love boat,
promises something for everyone.
Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.
And love,
won't hurt anymore.
It's an open smile,
on a friendly shore.
It's love.
Welcome aboard it's love."
Julie: Hello, welcome aboard...
Flanders: So long, rat race...And hello fun!
Julie: Welcome aboard, Mr...?
Flanders: Flanders.
Donald m.
What time do the festivities start?
Julie: Well, as soon as we assign you your cabin...
Flanders: Okay.
Julie: Let's see.
F-131 -- oh, it's a lovely one...
Flanders: Who cares?
I'm never gonna be in there anyway.
I'm here for sun and fun.
Can I swim now?
Julie: Absolutely.
Flanders: That's funny, 'cause I didn't know how when I left home this morning.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.....
Doc: I'll bet he has a good time once he comes out of his shell.
Julie: Yeah...
Gopher: Did you guys see a dog come on board?
Julie: A dog??
Gopher: Yeah.
Security called.
One of their guard dogs is missing.
Doc: I heard some barking, but it was only captain stubing.
Julie: Oooh...
Gopher: Well, I tell you, his bark is worse than his bite...
But I don't know, he never actually bit me.
Julie: Well, he may.
He's extra testy because his father's coming on board.
And I heard that he makes our sea dog seem like a pussycat...
Gopher: Then, maybe his dad'll bite me...
Julie: Oh-oh, battle stations.....
Stubing, sr.: Captain merrill stubing, senior, reporting.
Julie: Welcome aboard, sir.
Doc: How do you do, sir?
Captain: Father...
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to pipe you aboard...Sir.
Doc: Glad to have you aboard, sir.
Gopher: Anything you want, sir.
Yeoman purser Smith, sir...
Gopher, sir.
Stubing, sr.: Merrill, are you going to keep your crew at this fever pitch for the entire cruise?
Captain: Well, they're only doing their jobs, sir.
Stubing, sr.: Will you all relax?
I'm not a captain anymore.
I'm just a passenger, here for a little vacation.
Now, stow my gear, ready my cabin, and I'll meet you in your quarters at thirteen hundred hours!
Look alive...
Captain: Yes, sir...
Now you know why my first two words were 'mommy' and...Hey -- hey -- !
Beth: Toby -- !
Toby: Beth -- !
Beth: Oh, it's so good to see you!
You look incredible!
Toby: Oh...thank you...
Beth: And I love your hair.
Gopher: Ms. Chapman and Ms. Luffner.
Gopher: You're on promenade deck, 204 and 205.
Beth: Oh, I can't believe we used to call you 'tubby Toby' in college.
Beth: You must have lost thirty pounds since graduation!
Toby: No, thirty-five.
But I can't relax for a second.
There are thousands of hot fudge sundaes out there with my name on them.
Gopher: I'm a banana split man myself...
But as I was saying, that's 204 and 205.
Beth: Oh, how did you lose it?
Stillman?
Atkins?
Or liquid protein?
Toby: No, it's my own diet.
The triple d.
Desperation, disgust, divorce...
Beth: Huh!
You mean, you and Fred?
The marriage is pffttt?!
Toby: Yeah.
Not only are Fred and I pffttt, but Neal and I are thhhhrrrr!
Beth: Neal?
Two marriages in five years?
Toby!
Gopher: Good ol' 204 and 205.
Regina: Beth!
Toby!
Beth/toby: Regina!!
Regina: Tubby Toby, what happened to you?
Gopher: Two divorces and thirty-five pounds went just like that.
Beth: Oh, this is just like the good old days!
Regina: Whoever thought of this reunion was a genius.
Beth: Oh, it was your idea.
Regina: How about that?
Gopher: Did I ever tell you about the time I bit a bowling ball in half?
Beth: Oh, we're gonna have such a great time.
Regina: Well, what are we waiting for?
Toby: Well, we're waiting for this clown to give us our rooms...
Gopher: Now, let's see...
Captain: ...Uh, keep it at twelve knots, Mr. Walters.
And call me when we're twenty-five miles out...
Right...
Well, dad, what do you think about the pacific Princess?
Stubing, sr.: Amazing.
Captain: Why, thank you...
Stubing, sr.: Amazing that we've been at sea forty-five minutes,
and you've been on the bridge exactly four.
Captain: Now, look, dad, I...Happen to know what I'm doing, and so does my deputy captain.
Stubing, sr.: As senior officer, I never trusted my ship to anyone.
We didn't win the big war sitting in our cabins.
We were right there in the thick of battle.
Captain: Well...it just happens that it's been a long time
since a cruise ship has been attacked off the California coast...
Come in!
Gopher: Uh, pardon me, sir.
Could I speak to you a moment?
Alone?
Stubing, sr.: Oh, that's all right.
You can talk to me in front of my son...
Captain: What is it, Mr. Smith?
Gopher: Well, sir, we're having a little problem with the number two, e...N...G...I...N...E...
Stubing, sr.: Well, then, let's f...I...X...It.
Captain: Dad...please!
Stubing, sr.: You don't have to say 'please' to me.
It's a pleasure to help.
What kind of an engine do you have...?
Gopher: A broken one...
Int.
Flanders: "Do, do, do, do, do, do..."
Well, aren't you a nice big doggie.
What are you doing on this ship?
...uh, look now, I'm just gonna take a little swim here...
Hey...
Hello out there!
Help!
Toby: Aren't you changed yet?
Regina: I was just reading.
Beth: Well, don't you professors get enough of that stuff in the classroom?
Let's go get some sunshine.
Regina: Tennyson is very good for the soul.
Toby: Well, I don't need something to help my soul --
I need something to help my love life!
Beth: Right!
Hey, let's play romance roulette.
Regina: Oh, no!
No!
Toby: Oh, that's a great idea!
We've got a whole boatload of guys to play it with.
Beth: Uhm-hmm.
Regina: Oh, no, romance roulette.
Come on.
I thought we gave up that nonsense in college.
Toby: Hey, what is wrong with picking up a guy, having a little fun,
and then dumping him?
Men do it all the time...
Regina: Look, I am not about to make a play for some total stranger,
just because he happens to blurt out some silly word we pick.
Beth: We're playing the game and that's all there is to it.
And, Regina, you're wearing one of my suits.
The only guy you can attract in this thing is Jacques cousteau...
See you in the deep end.
Toby: Then, it's settled.
The code word is 'screwdriver'.
Now, the first three guys that come up to the bar and ask for a screwdriver are the ones we try to pick up, right?
Beth: Right.
Toby: Okay, who leads off?
Regina: You two start...
Toby: No, no, let's be Democratic about this.
We'll go by age...
You first, Beth...
Beth: Oh, youngest first...
Doc: Mrs. Wilson wants a refill.
Orange juice and vodka.
Beth: Oh, orange juice and vodka.
That's my man.
Toby: No cheating.
He has to say screwdriver.
Beth: Okay...
Oooh, that looks delicious.
What is that?
Doc: It's...orange juice and vodka...
Beth: Oh...
Well, isn't there a name for that drink?
Doc: Yes...
It's...
Morton: Can I have a screwdriver, please?
Doc: Of course!
That's what you call it!
A screwdriver.
Beth: Now you tell me!
...haven't we met someplace before?
Morton: I don't know...
Have you ever been to hackensack?
Beth: Hackensack?
...well, why don't we sit down and we'll talk about it...
Isaac: Sir -- your drink.
Morton: Oh, thanks...
Toby: I don't mean to be forward, but can I pick you up?
Isaac: Can blue serge pick up lint?
Doc: Excuse my friend.
He's not as subtle as I am...
Want to see my cabin?
Man #1: I'd like a Tom Collins.
Man #2: Scotch and soda.
Man #3: And I'll have that drink with orange juice.
Uh, you know...An orange blossom.
Isaac: Hey, frank -- you finally showed up to fix my sink.
Frank: I've been busy in the engine room.
The captain's father was helping me.
Isaac: Mmm...
Frank: All right, let me have a look...
Frank (v.O.): Big deal.
You coulda fixed this yourself.
Lemme have a screwdriver...
Regina: Allow me.
I'm Regina Parker...
Frank: Thanks...
Flanders: Okay, but do me a favor, will you?
Dial somebody and tell them there's a dog in my room.....
Gopher: Wow!
Julie!
What a super gown!
Julie: Thank you.
Gopher: You're at the captain's table tonight, aren't you?
Julie: That's right.
Where is captain stubing?
Gopher: Oh, he's probably hiding from his father.
Maybe he's in disguise...
Julie: Gopher...I'll see you later.
Gopher: Have a good time...
Gopher: Hello, captain stubing.
Gopher: Captain stubing.
Captain: Gopher...
Stubing, sr.: If you'd have stayed at the wheel, we wouldn't be a half of degree off course.
Captain: Dad, that is being controlled by the computer.
Stubing, sr.: Computer?
There's not a computer made that can match the human mind...
Do you suppose Columbus used a computer?
Captain: Well, look, I'm not trying to find the new world; I just wanna get to Mexico.
Stubing, sr.: Eight to five you don't make it.
Captain: Ah, well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to have you meet my father...Captain stubing, sr.
Man: How do you do?
Julie: That's the captain's chair.
Stubing, sr.: Oh?
Captain: Dad...I'm the captain of this ship.
Stubing, sr.: I'm your father everywhere...
You should have seen him as a little boy.
He had curls down to here...
Toby: So what made you decide to become a ship's doctor?
Doc: I always had a mission in life; To heal the sick and tend to the cute.
Beth: ...And two steaks medium rare...And sour cream and chives with our baked potatoes...
And your best bottle of cabernet sauvignon.
Morton: And an extra breadstick, please...
Beth: Here's to you, darling...
Your other hand, Morton...
Morton: They're never gonna believe this at the office...
Julie: Well, yes, part of my job is organizing social activities,
but I clear everything with the captain
man: Seems you run a tight ship, stubing.
Captain: Oh, yes.
It's a demanding job, but...Well, as president of a bank,
you know that there always has to be just one man who is the final authority
stubing, sr.: Elbows, merrill...
Isaac: Here's your Irish coffee.
Regina: Oh, thanks, Isaac...
Isaac: Say, how come you're not up there dancing with your friends?
Regina: Oh, I...I thought I'd stay here with lord Byron.
Isaac: Oh...i guess I should have brought two Irish coffees.
Regina: Yeah...
Uh, Isaac -- you know that plumber that fixed your sink today...Frank...
Isaac: Frank vallone?
Regina: That's him...
How would I uh...Get in touch with him?
Isaac: Oh, you're having a plumbing problem?
Regina: Yes...
Isaac: Listen, just dial 1007.
He's on duty tonight.
Regina: Thanks, Isaac...
Isaac: No problem...
Thank you...
Gopher (p.A.): Good morning, everyone.
This is the start of another fun-filled day aboard the pacific Princess.
We hope you had a restful night...
Breakfast is now being served in the coral dining room,
and we have a full schedule of events planned to make this an unforgettable cruise...
Flanders: I'd need a lobotomy to forget this one.....
Just taking a breath of fresh air...
See you later...
Get you own phone.....
Room service...
Isaac: Hey, doc, that lady Toby sure came on to you strong yesterday...
Doc: Yeah, and I went to sea to get away from all that.
Julie: Good morning, captain stubing...
Captain: There won't be any good mornings until my father gets off this ship.
The man is driving me crazy.
Now, look, I'm depending on all of you to keep him busy with activities today.
Just get him out of my hair...
Don't say it.....
Stubing, sr.: Merrill -- now what are you doing here?
You can't run a ship from the lido deck.
Captain: Uh, yes, well, I was just on my way to the bridge, sir.
Stubing, sr.: Oh, okay, I'll...
Julie: Just my luck to find a young, handsome ping pong partner.
Stubing, sr.: Oh, wait, I'm afraid you don't understand.
Julie: It's all right.
I'll serve.
Okay.
You ready?
Stubing, sr.: Oh...
Julie: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I need to learn to keep my eye on the ball...
Are you all right?
Stubing, sr.: I'm fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, i'm headed for the bridge.
Doc: Oh, wait!
How would you like a free blood-pressure test?
Stubing, sr.: There's nothing wrong with my blood pressure.
Julie: Well, how 'bout some juice?
Stubing, sr.: I don't want any juice.
Julie: Orange or tomato?
Stubing, sr.: I don't...
Doc: I'm awfully sorry.
Let me get that.
Stubing, sr: Please, please, please!
Does all this attention have anything to do with keeping me away from my son??
Isaac: We're not too subtle, huh?
Stubing, sr.: Well, sometimes, to get an old man's attention,
you gotta hit him with a two-by-four...Or a glass of tomato juice....
Carry on, kids.
I've got a date with some sea salt and soap.
Isaac: I'll get that for you.
Stubing, sr.: It's all right, it's all right...
You have your duties...I'll find my way around...Anywhere but the bridge, correct?
...that's okay.
I'm sure that my son merrill is capable of running us aground without my help...
Julie: Well, mission accomplished, huh?
Isaac: Yeah.
Doc: Yeah.
Gopher: Hey, you guys!
You guys, I need some help.
A passenger just called and said he's been trapped in his cabin all night.
Isaac: Well, get a locksmith.
Gopher: It won't work...
We need a dog catcher.
Isaac: Huh...?
Gopher: It's that security guard dog.
He must have sneaked on board.
Julie: Well, what are we gonna do about it?
Dogs aren't allowed on board.
Julie: Ohhh!
Would you like to tell him he's not allowed on board...?
Toby: Okay, let's hear it!
You weren't at dinner last night, we haven't seen you all day...
Now, this plumber of yours must be pretty hot stuff.
Beth: Yeah.
Come on, tell us about the 'prince of pipes.'
Regina: There is very little to tell you...
His name is frank vallone, an ex-marine from Baltimore...
Toby: Oh, he's just my type -- tall, dark and brutal.
Beth: You mean, nothing's happened?
Regina: Well, I told you -- I can't see him because he's on call.
Toby: Oh, he's on call -- well, I'll call then.
Regina: Oh, no.
What are you doing?
Beth: If he's a plumber, let him plumb!
Regina: Look, don't worry about me.
I've got lord Byron.
Toby: Byron?
Oh...
Does Tennyson know you're cheating on him?
Beth: We're playing the game, Regina, and so are you, remember?
Toby: Operator?
What's the number for maintenance?
Regina: 1007...
Look, you really don't have to do this, you know.
Toby/beth: We know...
Toby: Maintenance?
Yes, this is cabin 206, promenade deck...
Yeah, I dropped my ring down the sink...
Thanks.
Beth: Ah, it's just like a romantic novel...
'The wench and the wrench.
Toby/beth: Bye!.....
P.j.: Stop right there, buster.
Galley's off limits to passengers.
Stubing, sr.: I beg your pardon?
P.j.: You heard what I said.
Now get the barnacles off your hull and make waves!
Stubing, sr.: Trim your pipes!
You sound like a beached tugboat.
I've had a small mishap and i'm looking for some sea salt for this stain.
P.j.: What do you know about sea salt?
P.j.: Don't tell me what sailors know.
I've been at sea for forty years.
Stubing, sr.: Well, in that case, you should know how to address a captain when you see one!
P.j.: My captain is merrill stubing, Jr.
And when I see him, I call him 'sir'...
Here's your sea salt, buster...!
Stubing, sr.: I've never heard of such insubordination.
Do not be surprised if this isn't your last voyage.
P.j.: Ah, blow it out your ear!
They're casting me adrift after this trip, anyway...
Mandatory retirement.
Stubing, sr.: I know what you mean...I was recently piped ashore myself.
P.j.: How you handling it?
Miss the sea?
Stubing, sr.: That's a silly question...
P.j.: Isn't it something?
They throw us out for fish bait just when we're in our prime.
Stubing, sr.: Yeah...
P.j.: I don't know what's left for me, except to go and be a burden to my kids...
Stubing, sr.: I know what you mean...
P.j.: Powerful onions...Got to me.
Stubing, sr.: Yeah, I understand...
P.j.: By the way, I'm p.J. Muldoon.
But don't get any fancy ideas about my p.J.'S.
Stubing, sr.: I'm merrill stubing, sr.
But you can call me stubby...
P.j.: Funny, that's just what I was gonna call you...
Stubing, sr.: P.J.
P.j.: Stubby...I'll be derned, he does have a father...
Frank: Are you sure you dropped your ring down the drain?
I had the trap off.
Regina: I thought I was sure.
I -- I mean, this hand was -- was just as bare as this...Hand...
Frank: Oh, well, here's your problem...
You're wearing one of those famous Mexican jumping rings...
Regina: Ha, ha, ha...I'm sorry about the false alarm.
Frank: Oh, hey, forget it...
Well, I better shove off.
Hey, Byron...
That's good stuff...
Regina: You've studied Byron?
Frank: A little...I used to write some stuff, too.
But when you're scrounging for your daily pasta, poetry isn't exactly your main order of business.
Regina: I'd love to read it...
Your poetry...
Frank: Oh, come on...
Regina: No, frank -- I'm -- I'm a -- i'm a college professor.
English literature is my specialty.
I -- I would love to read your poetry...
Please?
Regina: Well...maybe I'll meet you up there...Sometime...
Frank: Yeah, sometime...
Who knows?
It's a big ship...But it's a small world...
Bye...
Gopher: Don't worry, Mr. Flanders, we'll have you out of there in no time!
Flanders (off screen): Yeah, well, hurry up!
I'm starving to death here!
Isaac: Listen, while the dog's busy eating the meat, you make a dash for the door.
Flanders (off screen): Okay, okay...!
Gopher: Oh...mr. Flanders, we'll be right back.
We're just gonna get him some dessert.
P.j.: Gin.
I got you on a double schnide.
Stubing, sr.: That's $25,000 I owe you.
P.j.: I love gin.
Stubing, sr.: Me, too.
Would you like another?
P.j.: One's enough...
It's time for you to haul it out of my galley.
I've got spuds to peel.
Stubing, sr.: Don't you have two peelers?
P.j.: Huh?
Stubing, sr.: I should know how to peel potatoes.
I've commanded entire ships...
Thank you, madam...
Regina: Frank...
Frank: Hi...
Regina: I was hoping you'd be here tonight...
Frank: I was hoping you'd be hoping.
Regina: Did you bring one of your poems?
Frank: I...might have one here somewhere...
Regina: Cough it up, or I'll have to frisk you...
Frank: I found it...
You don't want to hear this.
Regina: Oh, I do.
I do, really...
Frank: By day I wrestle steel and engines purr beneath my deft wrenches.
But men are fools...
At night I wrestle words
trying to say, "I love you" with unfamiliar tools...
That's it...
It's rotten, right?
Regina: It's beautiful.
May I keep it?
Frank: Yeah, sure...
Uh, but not for free...
A poet has to get paid, or he isn't a legit poet.
Regina: Name your price.
Frank: It's yours for...For a dance...
Regina: What'll we do for music?
Frank: Make our own music.
Morton: One, two, three -- turn two, three...
One, two, three -- turn two, three....
Beth: Oh, Morton, I love the way you dance.
Where did you learn to move that way?
Morton: At the 'y'.
Beth: Oh, kiss me, kiss me.
I can't wait another minute.
Morton: I can't believe this is happening to me.
Beth: Kiss me, Morton.
Morton: I'll be right with you.....
Beth: Oh.....
P.j.: Wasn't that a wonderful movie?
Stubing, sr.: I don't know.
It was a little too mushy for my taste.
People don't just fall in love like that in one day...
P.j.: Yeah...you're right...
Regina: A penny for your thoughts...
A dollar...?
Frank: I was just thinking...
It's amazing how things happen...
If -- if I hadn't been fixing Isaac's sink...And you hadn't handed me a screwdriver...We would never have met.
Regina: ...Fate...
Frank: I haven't had a crush on a teacher in years.
Regina: Oh, I bet you say that to all the passengers.
Frank: I've been on this ship for seven years...And this is the first time I've ever...
'Met' a passenger...
Regina: I...should be getting back to my cabin...
Frank: Yeah, and I should get to work...
Oh, the hell with my work...
Regina: Oh, the hell with my cabin...
Doc: Okay, believe me, this is gonna work.
There's enough tranquilizer in here to put an elephant to sleep.
Now, it's not gonna hurt him...But it'll put him out like...
Captain: Well, if it works, I'll try it on my father...
Gopher: This should do it, Mr. Flanders.
Mr. Flanders: Room service...
Did he eat it yet?
Captain: I can't tell...
Doc: It's the best chopped sirloin on board.
He'll eat it.
Flanders: Thanks a lot, guys.
That was delicious...
Captain: Flanders is eating it.....
Flanders: Oh...
Stubing, sr.: Well, you look shipshape today...
P.j.: I know -- I'm shaped like a ship.
Stubing, sr.: Oh, come on...
You're a very attractive woman, p.J.
P.j.: You better see doc and get your eyes checked.
Stubing, sr.: You just don't know how to take a compliment, do you?
P.j.: Yes, I do.
Try me...
Stubing, sr.: Well, I like your...
P.j.: My what?
Stubing, sr.: You didn't let me finish!
P.j.: Was it that hard for you to think of something nice to say?
Stubing, sr.: I like your hairdo!
P.j.: That shows how little you know...
The sea air makes my hair frizzy!
Stubing, sr.: You're impossible!
P.j.: So are you!
Gopher: Hi, sir...
Stubing, sr.: Hi...
Gopher: Hi, p.J.
P.j.: Hi, gopher.
Gopher: You sure look nice today.
P.j.: Thank you...
Gopher: Mmm, my favorite...
Carry on.
Stubing, sr.: ....Now, do you see how easy it was to take a compliment?
P.j.: It's different coming from him.
Stubing, sr.: Why?
P.j.: 'Cause it doesn't matter as much.
Stubing, sr.: I didn't hear you.
P.j.: You going deaf, you old buzzard?
I said, it doesn't matter as much coming from him!
Stubing, sr.: You mean it matters more from me...?
P.j.: I didn't say that...
Stubing, sr.: That's the nicest thing you ever didn't say...
Ha, ha, ha...
P.j.: Mmm...
Well...
Captain: Uh, enter...
Uhm-hmm...
Si...
Uh...muchas gracias...
Adios...
Yes...?
Julie: Sir, Mr. Flanders isn't answering his phone.
I think he's still sleeping.
He's gonna be hopping mad when he wakes up and
we've run out of ideas about how to get that dog out of his cabin.
Captain: Well, I just spoke to the spca in Mazatlan,
they're coming aboard tomorrow morning with a tranquilizer gun.
Julie: They better have two shots.
One for the dog, and one for Mr.
Flanders...
Sir, I'm really sorry.
Captain: It's not your fault...
Besides, you're doing a great job of keeping my father busy.
Julie: Oh, that wasn't difficult.
See, he's...
Captain: I don't need to know the details...
I'm just very pleased that you've got him doing something that...Well, gives me some peace and quiet...
Julie: Well, it's not exactly 'something'.
It's more like...'Someone'.
Captain: Oh.
You mean he's...Found some nice elderly cronies?
Julie: Well...it's only one 'crony', and, actually, sir, it's a lady.
Captain: Miss McCoy!
A stroke of genius!
Julie: Well, it wasn't anything I arranged.
They...found each other...
Captain: They did?
Julie: Uhm-hmm.
And I understand he's inviting her to dinner at your table tonight...
Wouldn't it be wonderful if something permanent came out of all this?
Captain: Dismissed.
Julie: Yes, sir...
Toby: Do you realize, between the two of us, we've been married six times?
Doc: We'll just have to keep doing it till we get it right...
Captain: Well, how do I look?
Julie: Fine, sir.
Your usual captainy self.
Why?
Captain: Why?
Well, I just want to make sure that everything is right for my father and...His lady.
Julie: Well, from what I hear, they only have eyes for each other.
Don't worry, they'll never even notice us...
Captain: Well, just in case they do...
Elbows, miss McCoy...
Julie: Yes, sir...
P.j.: I've never eaten in the dining room before.
Is it squared with captain stubing?
Stubing, sr.: P.J., my girl, I'm proud to have you sailing in my fleet.
If that son of mine opens his yap, I'll send him adrift in a life boat.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening, one and all.
I have the honor of presenting Mrs. P.J. Muldoon.
Captain: P.j. Muldoon?!
P.j.: Get out the life boat.
Howdy all...
How ya doing, captain?
Captain: Oh, just -- just -- just swell...
Stubing, sr.: Come, dear.
Sit on the captain's right...Where you belong...
P.j.: That's nice...
Stubing, sr.: She's a lot of fun.
Just listen to everything she says.
P.j.: Hi, y'all.
Captain: Forgive my surprise, dad, but I'm used to seeing Mrs.
Muldoon below deck.
Stubing, sr.: Are you indeed?
Captain: The kitchen help do not eat in the dining room...
Stubing, sr.: Very well, captain.
Come, my dear, we can dine in my cabin...
It's small, but it's not as stuffy as it is in here.
Come, dear...
Captain: Dad?
Julie: Captain, are you all right?
Captain: Hmm?
Oh...yes, I'm just...I'm just fine...
Beth: Well, tomorrow Mazatlan and then home.
Goodbye, doc -- so long, Morton...
Beth: You know, for someone who did not want to get involved in our little game of romance roulette,
Regina certainly did get into the swing of things.
Toby: Yeah.
I hope she finds a way to dump the plumber without breaking his heart, .
Or his wrench, or whatever you break on a plumber
Beth: No, Regina's got class...
She'll find a nice literate way to say goodbye like...'Beat it, buster!' ...Let's go.....
Regina: I'm sorry I'm late.
Frank: That's okay.
I just wanted to say, 'see you around'.
Regina: What's wrong?
Frank: Nothing.
We both had the perfect cruise...'Fun-filled nights, etc., etc.!' ...But enough's enough, hmm?
Regina: Frank!
What's the matter??
Frank: Let me put it in a poem.
'Fun is fun, but now it's done' stick that in your scrapbook...
Captain: Hello, father.
Stubing, sr.: Well, merrill...What an unexpected bummer!
Come in...
Captain: I came to apologize...I'm afraid I overreacted
when you brought your friend to my table...I'm sorry.
Stubing, sr.: Accepted...
Captain: But, dad, with a whole shipload of passengers, couldn't you have picked somebody...?
Stubing, sr.: More suitable?
Captain: Well...
Stubing, sr.: Suitable for whom?
I didn't go looking for someone to fit into your life.
I was looking for someone to fit into mine.
Captain: Now, look, I know you're lonely...But a cruise ship is a funny place --
people fall in love every night...And then when they get off the ship...
Stubing, sr.: Fine...
But that's not the case between me and p.J.
I've asked her to be my wife...
Captain: I see...
Stubing, sr.: Well, aren't you happy for me?
...I'm happy for me.
Captain: Well, sure, I'm happy for you.
I'm happy that you've finally found someone whose company you enjoy...
But marriage?
Stubing, sr.: Okay, merrill...I see where you stand.
But I'm going to marry p.J....With or without your blessings...
From now on, you stay out of my life, and I'll stay out of yours.
Go on.
Get up on the bridge where you belong...
Captain: Dad...
Stubing, sr.: Dismissed!
P.j.: He's right, you know, stubby.
Stubing, sr.: Right, about what?
P.j.: About us.
I don't fit in with your family.
I never could.
Stubing, sr.: Who cares about my family?
What about me??
P.j.: You're a swell guy, stubby...
You'll find somebody else.
Stubing, sr.: Wait - p.J.
-- Listen!
P.j.!!!
Julie: You're sure that that won't hurt the dog?
Spca man: No.
He'll just have a good siesta...
Gopher: Okay.
You ready?
Spca man: Ready.
Gopher: All right.
I'll open the door, and you shoot.
Flanders (o.S.): Hey, don't shoot!
Spca man: Why not??
It's only a tranquilizer!
Flanders: Come on in here...
Hi, guys...
Julie: Oh...look...
Julie: Oh, look...
Flanders: This is 'gopher', 'doc', and 'jul...' No, wait a minute.
Stay.
This is 'doc', 'Julie', 'gopher', and 'Isaac'.
Doc: Then I guess the little bald one at the end is...
Captain: Don't say it...
Frank: All right, all right!
Take it easy!
What's the.....
Toby: You are a bum and a rat!
Beth: You're a plummy crummer!
Toby: A crummy plumber.
Beth: He knows what I mean.
Frank: What's bugging you two?
Toby: You are an animal, frank!
Beth: The way you treated Regina -- I mean, you broke her heart for no good reason!
Frank: Big deal...I dumped her...I only beat her to the punch...
Isn't that how you play your romance roulette?
Beth: Uh...
Toby: Uh...
Frank: Yeah...
Yeah, I heard the two of you up on the deck.
Just because I'm a working stiff doesn't mean I can be exploited by some chick playing a school girl game.
Toby: All right, all right...
Maybe we were playing around...But the poor kid was dead serious, frank.
Beth: Right...
Frank: Like hell she was.
Now, will you please leave?
Will you...?
Regina: What are you two doing here?
Toby: We were just trying to straighten out your idiot plumber.
Regina: Well, if there's any straightening out to be done, I'll do it myself.
Now, everybody out!
Beth: But, Regina, we were just...
Regina: You heard me.
Out!
Beat it!
Scram!
I'm sorry about my friends...And I just came to say goodbye...
Frank: So, say it...
Regina: Before I do, I -- I just want to tell you that the past three days have been the best...
Frank: Good.
Your romance roulette paid off...
That's what games are for, to have fun...
Regina: You know about that?
Frank: Yeah.
Regina: Well, frank, what we had wasn't a game...
Frank: Yeah, sure...
Regina: Oh, I know it started out as a game, and I'm -- I'm sorry it did, and I'm ashamed.
Because somewhere along the line, it -- it stopped being a game...I meant every word I said to you...
Frank: I thought you came to say goodbye...I didn't hear you say it.
Regina: I can't...I don't want to...I don't want to lose you...I don't...
Frank: You what?
Regina: I can't put it into words.
Frank: You're an English professor!
Even a slob like me knows how to say 'i love you'....I do, you know.
Regina: Oh, frank, I love you, too!
Frank: Now, you see?
Isn't the truth better than playing games?
It works every time...
Regina: Even if it hadn't, I always could have used plan b.
Frank: What was that?
Regina: Well, I was gonna hit you over the head with one of your wrenches and carry you off.....
Captain: Oh, miss McCoy, have you seen my father?
He's really been making himself scarce.
Julie: I thought that would suit you, sir.
Captain: I've made a mess of this, haven't I?
Julie: Well, captain, because of you, p.J.
Won't see your dad.
And the two of them are running around looking like they don't care whether they live or die...
It's a darn shame...
They love each other...
They could have had a wonderful life together, but...
Captain: Miss McCoy, please see that my father's at my table tonight for dinner.
Julie: Sir, that may not be easy...
Captain: I don't care if it takes wild horses...
Please make sure he's there...
Flanders: I'm sorry...
Captain: No, that's all right.
You have it.
You're making up for lost time.
Flanders: Actually, captain, it's not for me.
I'm filling a doggie bag.....
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen -- tonight is a very special...
Stubing, sr.: P.J.!
Mrs. P.J. Muldoon.
P.j.: Thank you, captain.
What's all this lady stuff?
Captain: I said, lady.
A lady who has devoted her life to the sea.
A lady who, in her own selfless way, on the day of her retirement,
has consented to take on an even bigger burden...By agreeing to become
my stepmother.
P.j.: Okay with you?
Stubing, sr.: You know it, baby...
Captain: A toast to captain merrill stubing, sr.
And his p.J.
Many happy years.
P.j.: This doesn't mean you're gonna call me mom, does it?
Captain: I wouldn't do that, ma...
Stubing, sr.: Here, here, here, here!
Steady, steady!...
Toby: I guess this is goodbye.
Doc: So the secret word was, 'screwdriver'?
I wonder what would have happened if I'd asked for a Harvey wallbanger...
Morton: Beth, Beth, Beth...
Beth: Oh, Morton, I just love you so much.
I just can't take my hands off you...I don't believe this is happening to me...
Morton: Just take the bags, huh?
...and move it...
Regina: You'll write?
Frank: I'll write you every other day.
Regina: No, no, no, no.
You write a poem every other day.
You write me every day.
Frank: Okay...
Oh, by the way, I took another look at your drain this morning while you were at breakfast, and I found your ring...
Regina: Oh, no, no, no, that's an engagement ring!
That's not mine...
Frank: Well, it is now...
If you'll accept it...
Regina: Oh, frank.....
Captain: Here we go...
Julie: Goodbye, captain stubing, sir.
You've certainly been the hit of this trip.
Stubing, sr.: Well, thank you, my dear.
That's sweet of you to say.
Isaac, you mix a mean tomato juice.
Maybe next trip I can drink it, not wear it.
Ha, ha, ha...
Isaac: All the best to you, sir.
Stubing, sr.: Thank you -- thank you...
Gopher: This ship won't be the same without you, p.J.
P.j.: Oh, stow it, gopher, you want to make me blubber like a kid?
Stubing, sr.: She's something, isn't she?
She's something.
Well, goodbye all, and thanks.
P.j.: Goodbye, everybody.
Captain: Now, listen, you two, listen -- don't...You keep in touch now.
Don't be strangers.
Stubing, sr.: Oh, didn't p.J.
Tell you?
We're planning to get ourselves a little tug together and drop anchor right here in San Pedro.
And you know if you run into trouble trying to dock the ship or what-not, I'll be there to help you...
Just get on the radio.
Captain: Oh...
Well, do you know what frequency we work on?
Stubing, sr.: Uh...No...
Captain: Fine.
Let's keep it that way...
Julie: Oh, Mr. Flanders, I want to thank you for being so nice and for putting up with everything.
Flanders: Well, actually, it wasn't a bad vacation.
I got a lot of sleep and I lost thirteen pounds...
Julie: Oh.
Gopher: Well, sir, we're gonna give you a lot better vacation than that...
That's a free ticket on a cruise any time you want, compliments of the line.
Flanders: Thanks.
Doc: The next time, remember our rule, no pets...
Flanders: Right...
Come on, mother.....