1 00:00:01,546 --> 00:00:04,482 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:06,118 --> 00:00:07,385 Yeah, it's just a hop, skip 3 00:00:07,420 --> 00:00:09,621 and a jump from the office to the Ginza. 4 00:00:09,655 --> 00:00:11,706 Look who just slithered in. 5 00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:13,541 The carpet cobras, 6 00:00:13,575 --> 00:00:16,878 featuring Evan "The Snake" Drake. 7 00:00:16,912 --> 00:00:19,447 SAM: I'm all right. How are you? 8 00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:21,349 Rebecca, I've got to use the phone here. 9 00:00:21,384 --> 00:00:23,318 Oh, you're a phone person, too? 10 00:00:23,352 --> 00:00:24,419 So am I. 11 00:00:24,453 --> 00:00:26,954 Isn't it amazing how much we have in common? 12 00:00:26,989 --> 00:00:28,156 Thanks. 13 00:00:29,258 --> 00:00:30,891 You know that Drake guy? 14 00:00:30,926 --> 00:00:33,160 He's probably the kind of bloke 15 00:00:33,195 --> 00:00:37,098 that has his knuckle hair removed with electrolysis. 16 00:00:37,132 --> 00:00:38,999 Yeah, he's probably got one of those electronic zappers 17 00:00:39,034 --> 00:00:42,503 that he uses to forestall his receding hairline. 18 00:00:42,538 --> 00:00:44,038 And I bet ya, I bet ya a dime to a donut 19 00:00:44,072 --> 00:00:45,506 that he has his loofa 20 00:00:45,541 --> 00:00:49,176 and he rubs himself raw to get rid of his cellulite. 21 00:00:52,448 --> 00:00:53,581 Well, it was in 22 00:00:53,615 --> 00:00:56,817 last month's Soldier of Fortune, okay? 23 00:00:58,204 --> 00:01:02,040 ( piano plays ) 24 00:01:02,074 --> 00:01:04,225 ¶ Making your way in the world today ¶ 25 00:01:04,259 --> 00:01:07,862 ¶ Takes everything you've got 26 00:01:07,896 --> 00:01:10,497 ¶ Taking a break from all your worries ¶ 27 00:01:10,532 --> 00:01:14,068 ¶ Sure would help a lot 28 00:01:14,103 --> 00:01:19,940 ¶ Wouldn't you like to get away? ¶ 29 00:01:19,975 --> 00:01:21,842 ¶ Sometimes you want to go 30 00:01:21,877 --> 00:01:27,215 ¶ Where everybody knows your name ¶ 31 00:01:27,249 --> 00:01:31,819 ¶ And they're always glad you came ¶ 32 00:01:31,854 --> 00:01:34,255 ¶ You want to be where you can see ¶ 33 00:01:34,289 --> 00:01:36,858 ¶ Our troubles are all the same ¶ 34 00:01:36,892 --> 00:01:42,263 ¶ You want to be where everybody knows your name ¶ 35 00:01:42,297 --> 00:01:44,598 ¶ You want to go where people know ¶ 36 00:01:44,633 --> 00:01:47,201 ¶ People are all the same 37 00:01:47,236 --> 00:01:51,705 ¶ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ¶ 38 00:02:12,645 --> 00:02:13,611 Oh. Oh! 39 00:02:13,646 --> 00:02:14,646 Sam, listen. 40 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,080 Don't you find it interesting 41 00:02:16,114 --> 00:02:17,682 that of all the fine restaurants 42 00:02:17,716 --> 00:02:18,683 in Boston to dine, 43 00:02:18,717 --> 00:02:20,885 that Evans should repeatedly dine at Melville's 44 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,353 right upstairs from where I can 45 00:02:22,387 --> 00:02:23,555 be found every day of the week? 46 00:02:23,589 --> 00:02:24,556 No, no. 47 00:02:24,590 --> 00:02:25,857 But I do find it interesting 48 00:02:25,891 --> 00:02:27,759 that your button's undone there, 49 00:02:27,793 --> 00:02:30,595 and your bra has a little bow in the middle. 50 00:02:33,999 --> 00:02:34,999 So, uh, what, 51 00:02:35,034 --> 00:02:37,602 you think the big guy's finally coming around, huh? 52 00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:41,238 No, he's in there using my phone. 53 00:02:41,273 --> 00:02:42,239 Can't you see? 54 00:02:42,274 --> 00:02:44,075 Since his divorce became final, 55 00:02:44,109 --> 00:02:46,410 he uses all of his spare time to be around me. 56 00:02:46,445 --> 00:02:48,012 He is in my office right now 57 00:02:48,047 --> 00:02:49,614 sitting in my chair, 58 00:02:49,648 --> 00:02:52,750 his lips just inches from the mouthpiece 59 00:02:52,785 --> 00:02:55,286 that I use every day. 60 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,021 You're right. 61 00:02:57,056 --> 00:02:58,957 I'm an idiot. 62 00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:01,859 Excuse me. Rebecca, can we talk? 63 00:03:01,894 --> 00:03:03,544 Excuse me, Sam. I'm being beckoned. 64 00:03:03,579 --> 00:03:06,647 Listen, if-if this is what you think it is, 65 00:03:06,682 --> 00:03:07,749 can I give you some advice? 66 00:03:07,783 --> 00:03:08,616 What? 67 00:03:08,650 --> 00:03:09,617 If you're going 68 00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:10,585 to make an ass of yourself, 69 00:03:10,619 --> 00:03:11,586 take it outside. 70 00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:13,521 I'm not going to make an ass of myself. 71 00:03:13,555 --> 00:03:14,589 All right. 72 00:03:17,726 --> 00:03:20,528 I was just getting it out of my system. 73 00:03:23,298 --> 00:03:24,581 You wanted to talk to me, Mr. Drake? 74 00:03:24,616 --> 00:03:26,417 Yes, yes, yes, I do, Rebecca. 75 00:03:26,451 --> 00:03:28,986 Let's sit down here, okay? 76 00:03:29,021 --> 00:03:30,855 Thank you. 77 00:03:32,424 --> 00:03:34,625 Well, this conversation is long overdue. 78 00:03:34,659 --> 00:03:38,229 I couldn't agree more, with all my heart. 79 00:03:38,264 --> 00:03:40,914 You don't know what I'm going to say. 80 00:03:40,949 --> 00:03:43,601 Oh... well, I agree again. 81 00:03:43,635 --> 00:03:47,905 Something... something very exciting is happening to me. 82 00:03:47,940 --> 00:03:49,540 It's going to change my whole life. 83 00:03:49,575 --> 00:03:50,775 It's a huge risk. 84 00:03:50,809 --> 00:03:53,060 Take it! Take it! 85 00:03:53,094 --> 00:03:53,878 I'm moving to Tokyo. 86 00:03:53,912 --> 00:03:55,829 I'm going to take over the Japanese division. 87 00:03:55,864 --> 00:03:56,830 I leave tonight. 88 00:03:56,865 --> 00:03:59,767 Yes, darling, yes! 89 00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,702 ( groans ) 90 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,842 I told her to take that outside. 91 00:04:14,182 --> 00:04:17,084 I don't believe it. 92 00:04:17,119 --> 00:04:18,919 Everything was going so well. 93 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:23,825 Then everything went so black. 94 00:04:23,859 --> 00:04:25,159 Oh, don't worry about it. 95 00:04:25,193 --> 00:04:27,394 Women faint all the time. 96 00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:29,931 Well, in cartoons, they do. 97 00:04:31,433 --> 00:04:34,201 Do you think he noticed? 98 00:04:36,255 --> 00:04:38,305 Yes, yes, I-I think he did. 99 00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:41,609 He, uh, he said that every time he sees you, 100 00:04:41,643 --> 00:04:45,079 you do something more bizarre than the time before. 101 00:04:45,113 --> 00:04:46,780 What did you say? 102 00:04:46,815 --> 00:04:48,816 Well, honey, I had to agree. 103 00:04:52,004 --> 00:04:55,255 He is leaving for Japan tonight forever, 104 00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:58,559 and I never got to tell him how I feel. 105 00:04:58,594 --> 00:04:59,677 Well, hey... 106 00:04:59,711 --> 00:05:01,846 No, wait. You know, listen, why don't you tell him 107 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:02,880 at the good-bye party? 108 00:05:02,915 --> 00:05:04,866 What good-bye party? 109 00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:06,633 The one you're gonna throw for him tonight. 110 00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:08,235 Listen, it's a great idea. 111 00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:11,071 I'll make it a... a Japanese theme. 112 00:05:11,106 --> 00:05:13,775 Yeah, yeah, we'll have chips and cheese. 113 00:05:16,712 --> 00:05:18,212 Sam, 114 00:05:18,246 --> 00:05:20,047 I will never have Mr. Drake. 115 00:05:20,081 --> 00:05:21,315 I will never have any man. 116 00:05:21,349 --> 00:05:22,517 I will just dry up, 117 00:05:22,551 --> 00:05:26,637 crumble into dust and blow away. 118 00:05:26,671 --> 00:05:27,421 Oh, come on. 119 00:05:27,455 --> 00:05:28,773 That doesn't sound like you. 120 00:05:28,807 --> 00:05:33,578 That sounds like some lovesick self-pitying, whiny... 121 00:05:33,612 --> 00:05:35,162 No, that's you all right. 122 00:05:37,449 --> 00:05:39,433 But I'm not gonna let you give up. 123 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:40,568 What do you care? 124 00:05:40,602 --> 00:05:42,737 What does anybody care? 125 00:05:42,771 --> 00:05:45,372 Listen, I pride myself in being a connoisseur 126 00:05:45,407 --> 00:05:46,741 of beautiful babes, 127 00:05:46,775 --> 00:05:47,792 and I'll tell you. 128 00:05:47,826 --> 00:05:49,260 I'm not gonna sit by 129 00:05:49,294 --> 00:05:51,428 and watch a great woman like you 130 00:05:51,463 --> 00:05:52,079 going to waste. 131 00:05:52,113 --> 00:05:53,064 It's like, a... 132 00:05:53,098 --> 00:05:55,967 a thoroughbred pulling a milk wagon. 133 00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,053 It's like a rare wine... 134 00:05:59,087 --> 00:06:01,572 pulling a milk wagon. 135 00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:05,492 Sam, I can't tell him. 136 00:06:05,527 --> 00:06:08,112 Oh, please, please, do this for me, will you? 137 00:06:08,146 --> 00:06:09,614 I've been watching this sappy movie 138 00:06:09,648 --> 00:06:11,115 for God knows how long. 139 00:06:11,149 --> 00:06:13,751 I want to see if the girl gets the guy. 140 00:06:13,785 --> 00:06:16,320 If only once I'd ever had 141 00:06:16,354 --> 00:06:18,956 any little bit of encouragement from him. 142 00:06:18,991 --> 00:06:21,258 Some teeny, tiny shred of evidence 143 00:06:21,292 --> 00:06:23,160 that he even knew I existed. 144 00:06:23,194 --> 00:06:25,262 Well, now, he-he did express some concern 145 00:06:25,296 --> 00:06:26,931 while you were out cold there. 146 00:06:26,965 --> 00:06:28,315 Oh, yeah, I bet. 147 00:06:28,349 --> 00:06:29,784 What'd he say? 148 00:06:29,818 --> 00:06:32,319 Gee, I-I hope she's not dead. 149 00:06:34,239 --> 00:06:36,056 He did? 150 00:06:36,608 --> 00:06:37,941 Oh, God. 151 00:06:37,976 --> 00:06:41,379 And all this time I thought maybe I was kidding myself. 152 00:06:48,753 --> 00:06:51,589 ¶ ...for he's a jolly good fellow ¶ 153 00:06:51,623 --> 00:06:53,757 ¶ That nobody can deny. 154 00:06:53,792 --> 00:06:55,393 ( applause ) 155 00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:59,764 That's a perfect illustration of life's bitter irony, 156 00:06:59,798 --> 00:07:00,898 isn't it? 157 00:07:00,932 --> 00:07:02,232 Oh, how's that, Cliff? 158 00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:04,334 I mean, would you pass the beer nuts? 159 00:07:06,038 --> 00:07:07,404 There's a guy like Drake... 160 00:07:07,438 --> 00:07:09,891 It's a fabulous job... 161 00:07:09,925 --> 00:07:12,260 Hey, it's time to make your move. 162 00:07:13,628 --> 00:07:15,496 Come on, he's had a couple of drinks. 163 00:07:15,530 --> 00:07:17,498 His resistance is down. 164 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,568 He's feeling all warm, sentimental. 165 00:07:21,603 --> 00:07:23,570 Hell, I think I'll tell him I love him. 166 00:07:23,605 --> 00:07:25,907 All right, all right. 167 00:07:25,941 --> 00:07:27,975 ( low crowd chatter ) 168 00:07:30,779 --> 00:07:32,346 Mr. Drake? 169 00:07:32,380 --> 00:07:34,015 Hello, Rebecca. 170 00:07:34,049 --> 00:07:36,350 Hi. 171 00:07:36,384 --> 00:07:38,152 You're not gonna faint, are you? 172 00:07:38,187 --> 00:07:40,020 Oh, no. No, I'm fine. 173 00:07:40,054 --> 00:07:41,889 I just thought that this might be 174 00:07:41,923 --> 00:07:43,857 a good opportunity to tell you something that I've 175 00:07:43,892 --> 00:07:45,192 wanted to tell you for a long time. 176 00:07:45,226 --> 00:07:47,227 Miss Howe, may I speak with you for a moment, please? 177 00:07:47,262 --> 00:07:48,228 Carla, can't it wait? 178 00:07:48,263 --> 00:07:49,430 I don't think so. 179 00:07:49,464 --> 00:07:51,165 It's kind of a woman's problem. 180 00:07:51,199 --> 00:07:52,533 Ah, leave those to the experts. 181 00:07:52,567 --> 00:07:54,435 But I... 182 00:07:54,469 --> 00:07:55,603 What? What? What? 183 00:07:55,637 --> 00:07:57,471 Look, look, look, I wouldn't have butted in, 184 00:07:57,506 --> 00:07:59,774 but I know that tonight is your last chance 185 00:07:59,808 --> 00:08:01,475 to tell the boss you got a case 186 00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:03,611 of the screaming thigh sweats for him. 187 00:08:06,147 --> 00:08:07,782 How did you know that? 188 00:08:07,816 --> 00:08:10,451 Woody put out a special edition of the newsletter. 189 00:08:10,485 --> 00:08:12,720 Why didn't I just write it on the bathroom wall? 190 00:08:12,754 --> 00:08:14,322 I'm way ahead of you. 191 00:08:14,356 --> 00:08:16,490 Anyway, look, 192 00:08:16,525 --> 00:08:18,693 I've been down this road a few times myself, 193 00:08:18,727 --> 00:08:19,860 and take it from a pro, 194 00:08:19,894 --> 00:08:21,862 there is one thing you always have to do 195 00:08:21,896 --> 00:08:23,631 before you tell a guy you love him. 196 00:08:23,665 --> 00:08:24,298 What's that? 197 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:26,367 Lose the mustache. 198 00:08:35,394 --> 00:08:38,329 Uh, Mr. Drake, there's something that I... 199 00:08:38,363 --> 00:08:39,897 Evan. Yes? 200 00:08:39,931 --> 00:08:41,399 We're really gonna miss your carpet. 201 00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:42,400 Yeah, you take care. 202 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,535 Anyway, Mr. Drake, there's something I've wanted 203 00:08:44,569 --> 00:08:46,570 to tell you a long time... There you go, Mr. Drake. 204 00:08:46,605 --> 00:08:48,572 Hmm? Oh, thank you, thank you, Woody. 205 00:08:48,607 --> 00:08:50,224 ( laughs ) DRAKE: Damn. 206 00:08:50,258 --> 00:08:51,859 I changed all my American money into yen. 207 00:08:51,893 --> 00:08:52,960 I don't have a tip for you. 208 00:08:52,994 --> 00:08:54,061 I'm sorry, Woody. 209 00:08:54,096 --> 00:08:55,095 Oh, that's okay, Mr. Drake. 210 00:08:55,129 --> 00:08:56,396 I don't need a tip from you. 211 00:08:56,431 --> 00:08:57,214 Okay. 212 00:08:57,248 --> 00:08:59,466 Cheap, cheap, cheap. 213 00:09:00,735 --> 00:09:02,036 Mr. Drake, as I was about to tell you... 214 00:09:02,070 --> 00:09:03,037 Hey, hold on, hold on... 215 00:09:03,071 --> 00:09:04,205 Woody, Woody, come here a second. 216 00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,439 I've got these 217 00:09:05,473 --> 00:09:06,691 company courtside tickets 218 00:09:06,725 --> 00:09:07,708 to the Celtics-Lakers game. 219 00:09:07,826 --> 00:09:09,460 Will you take those in lieu of a tip? 220 00:09:09,494 --> 00:09:10,861 Huh? Yes, sir. 221 00:09:10,895 --> 00:09:13,230 I-I hope you'll forget about that cheap crack. 222 00:09:14,232 --> 00:09:16,567 What cheap crack? 223 00:09:16,601 --> 00:09:18,919 You're a prince. 224 00:09:22,457 --> 00:09:23,624 ( Drake mutters ) 225 00:09:23,658 --> 00:09:25,025 Anyway, Mr. Drake, um, I've wanted 226 00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,927 to tell you something for a really long time. 227 00:09:26,962 --> 00:09:28,261 Mm-hmm. Hold on there, you two. 228 00:09:28,296 --> 00:09:29,897 Let's, let's get a picture. Smile. 229 00:09:29,931 --> 00:09:31,198 Ah! Hmm. Mm-hmm. 230 00:09:31,232 --> 00:09:34,702 I just hate those flashbulbs, don't you, Mr. Drake? 231 00:09:36,237 --> 00:09:39,372 Mr. Drake? 232 00:09:39,407 --> 00:09:40,924 These are some USDA, uh, 233 00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,693 prime tickets here. 234 00:09:42,728 --> 00:09:44,678 So, uh, who's going with you? 235 00:09:44,712 --> 00:09:46,313 Oh, gee, I don't know. 236 00:09:46,347 --> 00:09:47,982 NORM: Well, I think 237 00:09:48,016 --> 00:09:49,666 the obvious choice would be me, Woody. 238 00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:51,702 I mean, Cliff here is always making fun 239 00:09:51,736 --> 00:09:52,970 that, uh, you're a yokel. 240 00:09:53,004 --> 00:09:54,905 Whereas, I completely ignore the fact 241 00:09:54,940 --> 00:09:56,140 that you're a yokel. 242 00:09:57,626 --> 00:09:59,960 Mr. Drake, I... 243 00:09:59,995 --> 00:10:01,294 No. Evan. 244 00:10:01,329 --> 00:10:02,963 I'll call him Evan. 245 00:10:02,998 --> 00:10:04,481 Evan... 246 00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:06,483 I'm a man, you're a woman. I... 247 00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:08,285 No, no. 248 00:10:11,122 --> 00:10:12,089 You get lucky? 249 00:10:12,123 --> 00:10:13,958 Oh! 250 00:10:13,992 --> 00:10:16,027 I'm sorry. I... 251 00:10:17,062 --> 00:10:18,178 The important thing, Mr. Drake, is that 252 00:10:18,212 --> 00:10:19,747 ( man clearing throat ) I finally have you alone 253 00:10:19,781 --> 00:10:20,848 so I can tell you what I've wanted 254 00:10:20,882 --> 00:10:21,982 to tell you. Pardon me, Mr. Drake. 255 00:10:22,016 --> 00:10:22,783 Excuse me. 256 00:10:22,818 --> 00:10:23,984 But we're gonna have to leave now 257 00:10:24,018 --> 00:10:25,285 if you're gonna make your plane. 258 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:26,303 Oh, yeah. Thanks, bud. 259 00:10:26,338 --> 00:10:27,404 But Mr. Drake, I've really got 260 00:10:27,439 --> 00:10:28,606 to tell you something important. 261 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:29,806 Uh, Rebecca, hold the thought. 262 00:10:29,841 --> 00:10:31,808 Better yet, telex it, okay? 263 00:10:31,843 --> 00:10:33,210 Bye, Rebecca. 264 00:10:34,812 --> 00:10:36,947 ( sighs ) 265 00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,285 Hold that drink for me, babe. 266 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,638 Sweetheart, sweetheart, he... 267 00:11:00,672 --> 00:11:03,674 He's gone, and you got to go on with your life now. 268 00:11:03,709 --> 00:11:05,976 I mean, you got to pick up the pieces 269 00:11:06,010 --> 00:11:08,246 and-and start behaving like a 270 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,480 mature person. 271 00:11:09,514 --> 00:11:12,383 ( glass shattering ) 272 00:11:12,417 --> 00:11:14,585 Well, now you're cookin'. All right. 273 00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:15,553 Excuse me. 274 00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:16,420 Mr. Drake seems 275 00:11:16,454 --> 00:11:17,972 to have forgotten his topcoat. 276 00:11:18,006 --> 00:11:20,708 Tell him it's hanging on the coat rack. 277 00:11:20,742 --> 00:11:22,776 Uh, I believe 278 00:11:22,811 --> 00:11:26,114 Mr. Drake's, uh... topcoat 279 00:11:26,148 --> 00:11:28,149 is in the... 280 00:11:28,183 --> 00:11:29,334 topcoat closet. 281 00:11:29,368 --> 00:11:30,501 Sam, 282 00:11:30,535 --> 00:11:31,669 I said to tell him... 283 00:11:31,703 --> 00:11:34,038 No, no. Uh, yes, we keep all of our 284 00:11:34,073 --> 00:11:36,574 executive topcoats in this closet right here. 285 00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:39,877 It's, uh, way in the back there. 286 00:11:39,912 --> 00:11:41,946 Way, way in the back. 287 00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:44,515 Watch the hat there. Watch the hat. 288 00:11:44,550 --> 00:11:46,517 MAN: There do not appear to be any topcoats in here. 289 00:11:46,552 --> 00:11:47,518 Oops. 290 00:11:47,553 --> 00:11:49,019 My mistake. Ooh! 291 00:11:49,054 --> 00:11:50,788 ( thudding ) CHAUFFEUR: Is there a light switch? 292 00:11:50,823 --> 00:11:51,956 Whoa, oh! 293 00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:53,925 Does anyone have a key here for this closet? 294 00:11:53,959 --> 00:11:55,860 I'm-I'm afraid we're gonna have to make a key there. 295 00:11:55,894 --> 00:11:57,662 Can you hold on? Yeah, but be quick. 296 00:11:57,696 --> 00:11:59,130 Oh, dear. 297 00:11:59,164 --> 00:12:01,232 Martin seems to be locked in the closet there. 298 00:12:01,266 --> 00:12:03,534 Does anyone know how to drive a limo around here? 299 00:12:03,568 --> 00:12:04,902 Well, I've driven a tractor. 300 00:12:04,937 --> 00:12:06,270 It can't be that different. 301 00:12:09,008 --> 00:12:11,843 No, Woody, when I said anyone, I meant Rebecca. 302 00:12:11,877 --> 00:12:14,145 Well, in the future, Sam, 303 00:12:14,179 --> 00:12:15,647 you might try using a little something 304 00:12:15,681 --> 00:12:17,148 that's popular back in Indiana 305 00:12:17,182 --> 00:12:18,683 called "direct address." 306 00:12:21,186 --> 00:12:23,187 I'm... I'm sorry. 307 00:12:23,221 --> 00:12:25,890 Sam, forget it. I'm going to let that man out of there. 308 00:12:25,924 --> 00:12:27,591 Hey, don't give up. Don't give up. 309 00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:28,860 What do you want me to do? 310 00:12:28,894 --> 00:12:31,228 You want me to masquerade as a chauffeur, 311 00:12:31,263 --> 00:12:32,930 get him alone on the highway, 312 00:12:32,965 --> 00:12:35,499 and tell the man I want to have his babies? 313 00:12:36,669 --> 00:12:40,371 Martin, I'll be getting that key now. 314 00:12:54,887 --> 00:12:57,188 I love you, Mr. Drake. 315 00:12:57,222 --> 00:12:58,489 There. I said it. 316 00:12:59,725 --> 00:13:02,026 I love you. 317 00:13:02,061 --> 00:13:03,527 I love you more than anyone 318 00:13:03,562 --> 00:13:06,297 I've ever loved in my whole life. 319 00:13:06,331 --> 00:13:10,601 I love you more than any woman's ever loved a man. 320 00:13:10,635 --> 00:13:13,571 Mr. Drake? 321 00:13:13,605 --> 00:13:15,573 Hello? 322 00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:17,075 Ow! 323 00:13:17,109 --> 00:13:19,343 Oh, God. 324 00:13:21,513 --> 00:13:22,980 Rebecca? 325 00:13:23,015 --> 00:13:25,649 What are you doing up there? Where's Martin? 326 00:13:25,684 --> 00:13:27,651 Uh... Martin got sick 327 00:13:27,686 --> 00:13:29,620 looking for your topcoat, sir, 328 00:13:29,654 --> 00:13:32,156 so I'll be driving you to the airport. 329 00:13:32,191 --> 00:13:35,026 I appreciate that, if it's not too much trouble. 330 00:13:37,362 --> 00:13:40,832 Uh... anyway, now that I've got 331 00:13:40,866 --> 00:13:42,499 you alone here, Mr. Drake, 332 00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:45,335 the real reason I'm filling in for Martin 333 00:13:45,370 --> 00:13:48,673 is so that I could tell you what I wanted to tell you all night. 334 00:13:50,241 --> 00:13:52,009 What I've been trying to tell you 335 00:13:52,044 --> 00:13:53,811 since the first time I met you. 336 00:13:53,845 --> 00:13:55,145 ( horn honking ) 337 00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:57,715 Get off my tail, scuzzball! 338 00:13:59,051 --> 00:14:00,985 Mr. Drake, 339 00:14:01,019 --> 00:14:02,853 with all my heart... 340 00:14:02,888 --> 00:14:05,389 Could you turn right at the next corner here, Rebecca? 341 00:14:05,423 --> 00:14:06,691 We have to pick up Christy. 342 00:14:06,725 --> 00:14:08,192 Oh, yes, sir. 343 00:14:08,226 --> 00:14:11,145 Mr. Drake, with all my heart... 344 00:14:11,179 --> 00:14:12,646 Christy? 345 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,198 Yes. She's the young lady 346 00:14:14,232 --> 00:14:16,267 who is accompanying me to Japan. 347 00:14:18,003 --> 00:14:21,572 "Accompanying" in the modern sense of the word? 348 00:14:21,607 --> 00:14:22,906 Yeah, you might say so. 349 00:14:22,941 --> 00:14:24,542 She's a very special woman. 350 00:14:24,576 --> 00:14:26,110 Very up front. 351 00:14:26,112 --> 00:14:27,979 Aggressive, even. 352 00:14:28,013 --> 00:14:29,346 ( chuckles ) 353 00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:32,299 You know, the first time we met a few months ago, 354 00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:34,869 she was the one who actually asked me out. 355 00:14:35,904 --> 00:14:37,772 God, that's refreshing. 356 00:14:37,806 --> 00:14:39,490 Mm-hmm. Ah. 357 00:14:39,524 --> 00:14:41,492 Anyway... 358 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,196 you wanted to ask me something? 359 00:14:45,230 --> 00:14:46,347 Oh, yes, sir. 360 00:14:46,381 --> 00:14:49,333 I just wanted to tell you that... 361 00:14:51,753 --> 00:14:54,955 ...that this is really a lot of car to handle. 362 00:14:57,459 --> 00:14:59,360 I can't believe I have the strength 363 00:14:59,394 --> 00:15:02,029 to keep from swerving into the oncoming traffic 364 00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:03,781 and killing us both. 365 00:15:11,589 --> 00:15:12,990 Sammy? Yeah? 366 00:15:13,024 --> 00:15:14,492 You mind if I ask you a question? 367 00:15:14,526 --> 00:15:15,560 No, go ahead. 368 00:15:15,594 --> 00:15:17,428 I've been trying to figure out your strategy. 369 00:15:17,462 --> 00:15:18,563 Hmm. You know, 370 00:15:18,597 --> 00:15:20,097 I've always admired you 371 00:15:20,131 --> 00:15:23,100 for being sort of a selfish, egotistical pig. 372 00:15:23,134 --> 00:15:24,669 Why, thank you, Carla. 373 00:15:24,703 --> 00:15:25,736 But suddenly, 374 00:15:25,770 --> 00:15:28,172 you're locking chauffeurs in closets, 375 00:15:28,207 --> 00:15:30,140 and giving going- away parties. 376 00:15:30,175 --> 00:15:32,243 It's like you're bending over backwards 377 00:15:32,277 --> 00:15:33,644 to help Boss Howe 378 00:15:33,679 --> 00:15:35,813 score with Mega-Boss Drake. 379 00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:37,114 Mm-hmm. 380 00:15:38,183 --> 00:15:39,783 This kind of self-sacrifice 381 00:15:39,818 --> 00:15:42,019 isn't like you, and it's scaring me. 382 00:15:42,053 --> 00:15:43,487 Please, please, tell me 383 00:15:43,522 --> 00:15:45,956 you have some sleazy ulterior motive. 384 00:15:45,990 --> 00:15:48,342 Fear not, little one. 385 00:15:48,376 --> 00:15:50,177 Aha. ( laughs ) 386 00:15:50,211 --> 00:15:51,412 So you don't think they're gonna make it. 387 00:15:51,446 --> 00:15:52,813 I just wanted to bring 388 00:15:52,847 --> 00:15:54,514 this whole thing to a boil, 389 00:15:54,549 --> 00:15:56,616 so when it blows up, I can... 390 00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:59,152 swoop in and gather up the pieces. 391 00:15:59,187 --> 00:16:02,957 I call it my, uh, vulture position. 392 00:16:02,991 --> 00:16:05,059 Sammy? Mm-hmm. 393 00:16:05,093 --> 00:16:06,360 You've got Wessonality. 394 00:16:06,394 --> 00:16:08,295 ( laughs ) Thank you. 395 00:16:08,329 --> 00:16:09,329 ( phone rings ) 396 00:16:09,364 --> 00:16:10,430 Hey, hey, hey, huh? 397 00:16:10,465 --> 00:16:11,598 How about that? 398 00:16:11,633 --> 00:16:12,800 According to vulture time, 399 00:16:12,834 --> 00:16:13,968 I bet that's my, uh, 400 00:16:14,002 --> 00:16:15,936 wounded little sparrow 401 00:16:15,971 --> 00:16:17,154 right now. 402 00:16:17,188 --> 00:16:18,789 Hello? 403 00:16:18,823 --> 00:16:20,357 Hi, Rebecca. 404 00:16:21,526 --> 00:16:22,993 O-Okay. 405 00:16:23,028 --> 00:16:24,628 Uh, can you hold one second, please? 406 00:16:24,662 --> 00:16:26,997 Quote: "Sam, I need your help." 407 00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:28,365 Unquote. 408 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,800 Yeah. 409 00:16:29,834 --> 00:16:31,668 I'm-I'm taking off right now. 410 00:16:37,993 --> 00:16:39,360 Here we go. 411 00:16:39,394 --> 00:16:40,427 Here we go. 412 00:16:40,462 --> 00:16:42,163 Why don't you go in and sit down there? 413 00:16:42,197 --> 00:16:43,730 Here you go. 414 00:16:43,765 --> 00:16:46,933 There you go. 415 00:16:49,971 --> 00:16:52,139 ( groans ) 416 00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:58,512 Do you feel like 417 00:16:58,546 --> 00:17:00,214 you can talk about it yet? 418 00:17:05,103 --> 00:17:07,588 Thank you for bailing me out of jail. 419 00:17:09,591 --> 00:17:11,292 Anytime. 420 00:17:11,326 --> 00:17:12,493 Oh, God. 421 00:17:12,527 --> 00:17:13,594 This has been 422 00:17:13,628 --> 00:17:15,779 the worst night of my life. Oh. 423 00:17:15,813 --> 00:17:18,382 Of anybody's life. 424 00:17:18,416 --> 00:17:22,987 I pour out my heart and soul to the man I love, 425 00:17:23,021 --> 00:17:24,254 then he tells me he's taking 426 00:17:24,289 --> 00:17:25,989 someone else across the globe. 427 00:17:26,024 --> 00:17:29,727 I hate guys like that. 428 00:17:30,762 --> 00:17:33,664 And she's really cute, Sam. 429 00:17:33,699 --> 00:17:34,548 Oh. 430 00:17:34,583 --> 00:17:35,816 And they made out 431 00:17:35,851 --> 00:17:37,017 in the back seat. 432 00:17:38,403 --> 00:17:41,655 And he didn't even roll up the window. 433 00:17:41,689 --> 00:17:43,924 The man is a pig. 434 00:17:48,930 --> 00:17:50,263 I tried not to look, 435 00:17:50,298 --> 00:17:52,232 but the rearview mirror was just huge, 436 00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:53,534 and I couldn't help it. 437 00:17:54,969 --> 00:17:56,420 And then I got so upset, 438 00:17:56,454 --> 00:17:59,957 I just wrapped the company limo around a 7-Eleven. 439 00:18:01,026 --> 00:18:03,794 Well, that is dreadful. 440 00:18:03,829 --> 00:18:05,462 Very, very, very sad. 441 00:18:05,496 --> 00:18:07,198 ( sighs ) 442 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,248 And then Evan 443 00:18:08,282 --> 00:18:11,318 and his cheap imitation Geisha bimbo whore 444 00:18:11,352 --> 00:18:12,486 grabbed a taxi. 445 00:18:14,455 --> 00:18:15,906 While I had to stand there 446 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:17,441 and wait for a tow truck. 447 00:18:18,643 --> 00:18:20,877 Oh, and then this cop came along, 448 00:18:20,912 --> 00:18:22,446 and he asked me to see 449 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,215 my chauffeur's license. 450 00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:26,716 God, if only I'd had one. 451 00:18:26,751 --> 00:18:28,385 Or if only I'd remembered 452 00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:31,839 to bring my purse with my own driver's license. 453 00:18:31,873 --> 00:18:34,457 Or if only I'd resisted arrest 454 00:18:34,492 --> 00:18:36,694 and he just shot me dead. 455 00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:40,113 ( jazzy music blasts ) 456 00:18:40,148 --> 00:18:41,314 ( lowers volume ) 457 00:18:47,656 --> 00:18:49,189 Well... 458 00:18:49,223 --> 00:18:52,142 maybe I ought to leave you alone now. 459 00:18:53,628 --> 00:18:55,279 By yourself... 460 00:18:55,313 --> 00:18:57,564 with some music... 461 00:18:57,599 --> 00:18:59,766 with your depression... 462 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,335 alone. 463 00:19:02,937 --> 00:19:05,606 Sam, can I offer you a cup of coffee or... 464 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,158 olives? 465 00:19:10,011 --> 00:19:12,663 I didn't have a chance to go to the grocery store. 466 00:19:12,697 --> 00:19:15,098 I, um... 467 00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,902 just kind of don't want to be alone right now. 468 00:19:17,936 --> 00:19:19,086 Then you shouldn't be. 469 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,287 You need consolation now. 470 00:19:22,356 --> 00:19:23,957 And warmth. 471 00:19:23,992 --> 00:19:27,227 Lots and lots of warmth. 472 00:19:35,069 --> 00:19:36,603 You know, Sam, 473 00:19:36,638 --> 00:19:39,439 I don't have anything sexual in mind. 474 00:19:39,473 --> 00:19:41,241 I just need a shoulder to cry on. 475 00:19:41,275 --> 00:19:44,912 Oh, honey, you cry on anything you want. 476 00:19:47,348 --> 00:19:49,716 ( sighs ) 477 00:19:49,751 --> 00:19:52,152 Gee, Sam... 478 00:19:52,186 --> 00:19:54,220 what I needed right now was a friend. 479 00:19:54,255 --> 00:19:55,488 Mmm. 480 00:19:55,523 --> 00:19:58,358 And you're the best friend I have in the whole world. 481 00:19:58,392 --> 00:20:00,027 ( chuckling ): No, no. 482 00:20:00,061 --> 00:20:01,762 No, you got plenty of friends. 483 00:20:01,796 --> 00:20:04,047 What, girlfriends, maybe? 484 00:20:04,082 --> 00:20:06,016 Old college friends? 485 00:20:06,050 --> 00:20:07,267 No... I've kind of 486 00:20:07,301 --> 00:20:09,553 grown apart from my old friends, 487 00:20:09,588 --> 00:20:12,639 and I haven't had a chance to make new ones 488 00:20:12,673 --> 00:20:14,641 with work and everything. 489 00:20:15,627 --> 00:20:17,561 Well, that... 490 00:20:17,595 --> 00:20:18,612 that just leaves... 491 00:20:18,646 --> 00:20:22,599 Yeah, you. 492 00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:23,784 I'm your best friend? 493 00:20:23,818 --> 00:20:24,968 ( clicks through teeth ) 494 00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:26,970 Crazy, huh? 495 00:20:29,690 --> 00:20:32,692 I really think I ought to go. 496 00:20:32,727 --> 00:20:34,795 Sam, why? 497 00:20:34,829 --> 00:20:37,464 Hey, I like you. 498 00:20:37,498 --> 00:20:38,766 I mean, there's not anything 499 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,383 I wouldn't do for you in the world, 500 00:20:40,418 --> 00:20:42,552 but I-I know what's gonna happen if I stay here. 501 00:20:42,586 --> 00:20:44,054 You're going to cry some more, 502 00:20:44,088 --> 00:20:45,622 and I'll comfort you some more, 503 00:20:45,656 --> 00:20:47,257 and the next thing you know, uh, 504 00:20:47,292 --> 00:20:49,693 your pantyhose will be hanging from the lamp. 505 00:20:52,697 --> 00:20:54,948 Sam, please, don't go. 506 00:20:54,983 --> 00:20:57,818 Hey, I can't be trusted. 507 00:20:57,852 --> 00:20:59,370 Trust me. 508 00:21:01,656 --> 00:21:04,041 Le-Let me just leave here now 509 00:21:04,075 --> 00:21:05,342 as a friend, please? 510 00:21:07,328 --> 00:21:09,830 Oh, I'm sorry, I... 511 00:21:15,887 --> 00:21:18,054 Listen. 512 00:21:18,089 --> 00:21:19,456 I want to try this. 513 00:21:20,675 --> 00:21:21,976 For the sake 514 00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:23,110 of our friendship, 515 00:21:23,144 --> 00:21:24,178 I am just gonna resist 516 00:21:24,212 --> 00:21:25,279 my sexual urges, 517 00:21:25,313 --> 00:21:26,546 and that's all there is to it. 518 00:21:26,581 --> 00:21:29,083 Now, come here. 519 00:21:29,117 --> 00:21:30,584 There. 520 00:21:30,618 --> 00:21:32,319 ( clears throat ) All right. 521 00:21:32,354 --> 00:21:34,488 All right, now... 522 00:21:34,522 --> 00:21:36,857 ( weepy ): You know that I loved Evan Drake 523 00:21:36,891 --> 00:21:39,559 since the first time I met him. 524 00:21:39,594 --> 00:21:40,894 I'm sorry, this is not working. 525 00:21:40,928 --> 00:21:42,529 Hot fire below. 526 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,654 ( sighs ) 527 00:22:24,038 --> 00:22:28,492 ( phone ringing ) 528 00:22:29,727 --> 00:22:30,594 Hello. 529 00:22:30,628 --> 00:22:31,495 Hi. 530 00:22:31,529 --> 00:22:32,696 Listen, if this 531 00:22:32,730 --> 00:22:33,997 is what it takes to be a friend, 532 00:22:34,031 --> 00:22:35,832 then I really want to give it a shot, okay? 533 00:22:35,866 --> 00:22:37,217 So... 534 00:22:37,251 --> 00:22:38,636 we've got all evening here. 535 00:22:38,670 --> 00:22:39,670 Pour your heart out. 536 00:22:39,704 --> 00:22:40,604 Where are you? 537 00:22:40,639 --> 00:22:41,605 I'm downstairs 538 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:42,839 at a pay phone. 539 00:22:42,874 --> 00:22:44,375 ( clears throat ) 540 00:22:44,409 --> 00:22:45,993 But just, uh, pretend like 541 00:22:46,027 --> 00:22:48,428 I'm right there beside you, all right? 542 00:22:48,462 --> 00:22:50,280 Thanks, Sam. 543 00:22:50,315 --> 00:22:51,632 Yeah. Yeah, you're welcome. 544 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,467 Well... 545 00:22:54,502 --> 00:22:56,637 ( weepy ): as you know, 546 00:22:56,671 --> 00:22:58,872 I have loved Evan Drake 547 00:22:58,907 --> 00:23:01,542 since the first time I saw him. 548 00:23:01,576 --> 00:23:03,043 I know. 549 00:23:03,077 --> 00:23:05,445 Sam, this is silly. 550 00:23:05,479 --> 00:23:06,647 Get up here. 551 00:23:06,681 --> 00:23:08,114 No... Sam, you know 552 00:23:08,149 --> 00:23:09,249 what I've been through. 553 00:23:09,283 --> 00:23:10,984 You're not going to take advantage of me. 554 00:23:11,019 --> 00:23:12,819 Oh, yeah? 555 00:23:14,822 --> 00:23:16,489 Do me a favor, will you? 556 00:23:16,524 --> 00:23:18,124 Check your bra. 557 00:23:22,764 --> 00:23:24,798 How did you do that?