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00:00:01,339 --> 00:00:04,007
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
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00:00:04,075 --> 00:00:07,227
All right, I'm gonna say it,
and I don't care who knows it.
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00:00:07,295 --> 00:00:09,129
Every since Reagan
left the White House,
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00:00:09,197 --> 00:00:11,899
this country has gone
to heck in a handcart.
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Here we go.
6
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Heads.
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00:00:15,353 --> 00:00:17,121
Ha-ha.
8
00:00:17,189 --> 00:00:18,756
Damn.
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00:00:18,824 --> 00:00:21,859
All right, Cliff, seeing
as how I'm your best friend,
10
00:00:21,927 --> 00:00:24,294
I guess you better tell me
what the problem is.
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00:00:24,362 --> 00:00:27,031
Ah, you're only asking me
'cause you lost the toss.
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00:00:27,099 --> 00:00:30,301
No, he's only your best friend
because he lost the toss.
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Eh, fine, here,
go ahead and laugh.
14
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Yeah, go ahead
and laugh.
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We'll see how funny
you think this is.
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00:00:39,444 --> 00:00:40,978
Oh, as you you may
have guessed,
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00:00:41,046 --> 00:00:45,249
this is a hybrid cross between
a rutabaga and a beet.
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What are we calling it?
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Beetabaga.
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Cliffie, I don't want to
poke holes in this thing,
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00:00:53,926 --> 00:00:56,928
or even touch it,
actually,
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00:00:56,995 --> 00:00:59,397
but really, I mean,
how useful do you think
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00:00:59,464 --> 00:01:01,065
this is going to be?
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00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:02,216
Are you kidding, Norm?
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This is a perfect
vegetable
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00:01:03,785 --> 00:01:06,753
for kids who hate
rutabagas but love beets.
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Oh, and there must be, what,
dozens of those, right?
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Exactly.
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Fills a long
felt need, Norm.
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That's why those faceless
bureaucrats in Washington
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00:01:14,963 --> 00:01:16,797
are trying to steal it
away from me.
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00:01:16,865 --> 00:01:18,199
Which reminds me.
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00:01:18,266 --> 00:01:21,068
Uh, I got an affidavit here
I'd like you all to sign
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00:01:21,135 --> 00:01:22,670
saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin
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00:01:22,738 --> 00:01:24,572
is the inventor
of the beetabaga.
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Cliffie...
You got a pen?
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Cliff.
Yeah?
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Remember when, uh,
you asked me to tell you
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if you were going off
the deep end?
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00:01:33,214 --> 00:01:34,814
Yeah.
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00:01:34,882 --> 00:01:37,751
Well, don't come up too fast,
buddy, you'll get the bends.
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00:01:37,818 --> 00:01:39,353
Norm, Norm,
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00:01:39,421 --> 00:01:43,357
you know, I usually go
along with you, but, uh...
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I am really on
to something here.
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Cliffie, does this
sound familiar?
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¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶
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¶ Takes everything you've got
48
00:02:00,158 --> 00:02:03,060
¶ Taking a break
from all your worries ¶
49
00:02:03,127 --> 00:02:06,396
¶ Sure would help a lot
50
00:02:06,465 --> 00:02:11,702
¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶
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00:02:11,770 --> 00:02:14,555
¶ Sometimes you want to go
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¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
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¶ And they're
always glad you came ¶
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¶ You want to be
where you can see ¶
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¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶
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00:02:29,570 --> 00:02:34,441
¶ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ¶
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00:02:34,508 --> 00:02:37,244
¶ You want to go
where people know ¶
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00:02:37,311 --> 00:02:39,679
¶ People are all the same
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00:02:39,748 --> 00:02:43,917
¶ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ¶
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Whoa, Woody, you look
like a million bucks.
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00:03:03,271 --> 00:03:04,655
Well, you're way off, Sam.
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00:03:04,723 --> 00:03:06,691
I got the sweater for $19.95,
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00:03:06,758 --> 00:03:08,892
I got the pants for 25 bucks
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00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:13,397
and I got the socks at
a yard sale for 40 cents.
65
00:03:13,465 --> 00:03:14,882
What's the occasion?
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00:03:14,950 --> 00:03:16,383
Well, they were
selling the house,
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00:03:16,451 --> 00:03:18,519
trying to get rid
of some old socks.
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00:03:20,956 --> 00:03:24,425
No, Woody, I meant why
are you all dressed up?
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00:03:24,492 --> 00:03:27,929
Oh, well, uh, the corporation's
having a big lunch
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00:03:27,996 --> 00:03:30,164
and my girlfriend's dad
is going to be there.
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00:03:30,232 --> 00:03:32,066
Oh, so in case
you bump in to him
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00:03:32,134 --> 00:03:33,635
you want to look
good, huh? Whoo.
73
00:03:33,702 --> 00:03:35,136
Yeah, he makes me
so nervous.
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00:03:35,203 --> 00:03:37,105
It took me an hour
to figure out
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00:03:37,172 --> 00:03:38,506
what to wear this morning.
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00:03:38,573 --> 00:03:40,074
Yeah, you know, I have
that problem, too.
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00:03:40,141 --> 00:03:43,110
You only have
three suits.
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00:03:43,178 --> 00:03:46,146
Yeah, but I have
five ties.
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00:03:49,017 --> 00:03:50,885
Sam, can you help me
to get my hair
80
00:03:50,953 --> 00:03:52,186
to do what yours
always does.
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00:03:52,253 --> 00:03:53,420
Sure, I don't think
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00:03:53,422 --> 00:03:54,955
that'd be
a problem there, Woody.
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00:03:55,023 --> 00:03:57,591
Okay.
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00:04:01,930 --> 00:04:04,398
Now, you don't know what
your PH level is, do you?
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00:04:11,506 --> 00:04:13,273
Oh, hi, Mr. Gaines.
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00:04:13,342 --> 00:04:14,642
Woody...
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00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:17,511
now that
you're dating my daughter,
88
00:04:17,579 --> 00:04:19,380
I suppose
we should take some time
89
00:04:19,448 --> 00:04:21,148
to be a little more friendly.
90
00:04:21,216 --> 00:04:22,550
Therefore,
I'd like to invite you
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00:04:22,617 --> 00:04:24,752
to Kelly's
birthday party this Friday.
92
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:26,220
Oh, thanks,
but you didn't have
93
00:04:26,287 --> 00:04:28,622
to come all the way down here
and tell me in person.
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00:04:28,690 --> 00:04:31,492
Well, I keep thinking if we
spend more time together,
95
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,260
see each other face to face,
96
00:04:33,328 --> 00:04:36,997
I'll learn what the attraction
is for my daughter.
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00:04:38,099 --> 00:04:40,634
Nope.
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00:04:42,788 --> 00:04:44,656
I'm an enigma.
99
00:04:50,311 --> 00:04:53,948
I have just about had it up
to here with this corporation.
100
00:04:54,016 --> 00:04:55,016
Hey, everybody,
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00:04:55,083 --> 00:04:57,117
here comes
the broken record.
102
00:04:57,185 --> 00:05:00,021
I get invited to my first
power lunch meeting
103
00:05:00,088 --> 00:05:01,722
and nobody even notices me.
104
00:05:01,790 --> 00:05:03,891
As usual, I am just ignored.
105
00:05:03,959 --> 00:05:06,694
But I finally figured out why.
106
00:05:06,762 --> 00:05:09,480
I am just too
darned attractive.
107
00:05:10,915 --> 00:05:13,568
Guys really hate that.
108
00:05:13,635 --> 00:05:15,369
You know, the problem
is that everybody
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00:05:15,437 --> 00:05:18,138
just sees me
as a sex kitten.
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00:05:18,206 --> 00:05:19,523
I hate that.
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00:05:19,591 --> 00:05:23,360
I think I need to find
a new role model.
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00:05:23,428 --> 00:05:25,697
If only I knew one
successful career woman
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00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:30,467
with an image that invites
no sexual appeal whatsoever.
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Another
decaffeinated ice coffee,
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00:05:32,170 --> 00:05:33,838
black as you can make it.
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00:05:37,676 --> 00:05:40,177
Lilith, I love the way you look.
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Which is it?
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The radiant
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00:05:43,599 --> 00:05:44,782
glow of impending motherhood,
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00:05:44,883 --> 00:05:46,283
or the 20 pounds of water
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00:05:46,351 --> 00:05:50,938
I'm retaining
in my fingers and ankles?
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00:05:51,006 --> 00:05:53,474
Lilith, Lilith,
I love the way you dress.
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00:05:53,541 --> 00:05:55,710
I admire your style.
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00:05:55,777 --> 00:05:57,145
Do you
think that
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00:05:57,212 --> 00:06:01,582
um, you could help me develop
a more business-like appearance?
126
00:06:01,650 --> 00:06:03,317
I'd love to, Rebecca.
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00:06:03,385 --> 00:06:06,553
And may I say
it's about time you asked.
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00:06:06,621 --> 00:06:07,905
There are two
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00:06:07,973 --> 00:06:09,256
approaches a woman can take
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00:06:09,324 --> 00:06:11,141
in turning her look
to her advantage.
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00:06:11,209 --> 00:06:13,844
The first is to play upon
the male sexual drive
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00:06:13,945 --> 00:06:16,213
and turn yourself
into an object of desire.
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00:06:16,382 --> 00:06:18,365
I have opted for the second.
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00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:19,099
What's that?
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00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:22,369
Scaring them stupid.
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00:06:22,437 --> 00:06:24,705
I like it.
137
00:06:24,772 --> 00:06:26,974
So, Woods, what did Mr. Big
want to talk to you about?
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00:06:27,042 --> 00:06:28,709
He still sweating you out
about seeing his daughter?
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00:06:28,776 --> 00:06:30,795
I bet he offered you
a couple of thou
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00:06:30,863 --> 00:06:33,130
to keep your mitts off
the airhead to the throne.
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00:06:33,198 --> 00:06:35,149
Don't you
do it, Woody.
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00:06:35,217 --> 00:06:37,918
Money is no substitute for
the love of a good woman.
143
00:06:37,986 --> 00:06:41,455
Now real estate, especially
in today's market...
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00:06:41,522 --> 00:06:43,523
No, no, no.
You guys are way off base.
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00:06:43,591 --> 00:06:45,359
I didn't think Mr. Gaines
liked me either,
146
00:06:45,426 --> 00:06:47,995
but he just invited me
to Kelly's birthday party.
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00:06:48,063 --> 00:06:49,063
Ooh, well,
that's great.
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00:06:49,130 --> 00:06:50,514
Well, you know, you're
going to have
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00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:51,782
to get her a present, Wood.
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00:06:51,850 --> 00:06:53,618
I know, Carla.
I'm prepared for this.
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00:06:53,685 --> 00:06:55,886
And I'm not just giving
her any present,
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00:06:55,954 --> 00:06:57,588
but the gift
that makes us all
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00:06:57,656 --> 00:06:59,390
a little bit happier
to be alive.
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00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:02,159
The gift of laughter.
155
00:07:04,663 --> 00:07:06,130
How, uh,
how so, Wood?
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00:07:06,197 --> 00:07:10,735
I'm giving her The Really Big
Book of Dutch Humor.
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00:07:12,237 --> 00:07:14,938
See, it works.
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00:07:15,006 --> 00:07:16,741
Woody, you know,
everybody at the party
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00:07:16,808 --> 00:07:18,809
is going to be richer than God.
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00:07:18,877 --> 00:07:21,646
If you walk in there and
show them a stupid book
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full of tulip jokes,
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00:07:23,315 --> 00:07:26,016
they're going to laugh
in your face.
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00:07:26,084 --> 00:07:28,786
That's kind of
the idea, Carla.
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00:07:33,925 --> 00:07:35,959
Woody, I think Kelly might
be used to gifts
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00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:37,528
a little bit more expensive.
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00:07:37,596 --> 00:07:39,680
Well, then why did
the father invite me?
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00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:41,682
He knows I can't
afford anything ritzy.
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00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:43,684
Well, maybe that's
his plan, Woody.
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00:07:43,752 --> 00:07:47,321
Maybe he wants to humiliate you
in front of Kelly's friends,
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00:07:47,389 --> 00:07:50,324
so she'll be too embarrassed
to date you anymore.
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00:07:51,826 --> 00:07:53,394
Maybe I won't even go.
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Maybe I'll just stay home this
weekend and work on my hair.
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Sam?
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00:07:58,199 --> 00:08:00,368
Yeah.
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00:08:00,435 --> 00:08:03,003
I could help you out.
176
00:08:03,071 --> 00:08:09,977
You know, you got a wave there
that's just going to waste.
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00:08:10,044 --> 00:08:11,378
Say, Woody, Woody.
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00:08:11,446 --> 00:08:13,581
Before Mr. Jacques
combs you out...
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00:08:15,283 --> 00:08:16,500
...could you come here?
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00:08:20,772 --> 00:08:23,140
Woody, you're giving up
too easily.
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00:08:23,208 --> 00:08:25,876
You see, I'm sure you have
plenty to offer Kelly.
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00:08:25,943 --> 00:08:27,311
Like what?
183
00:08:27,379 --> 00:08:29,112
Well, how 'bout
a gift from the heart?
184
00:08:29,164 --> 00:08:30,814
Something which
no rich man can obtain,
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00:08:30,882 --> 00:08:33,350
upon which no price
can be set.
186
00:08:33,418 --> 00:08:36,186
Great idea, Dr. Crane.
187
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,822
I can't tell you actually
what to do of course,
188
00:08:38,890 --> 00:08:41,324
but I can relate a story
from my own experience.
189
00:08:41,392 --> 00:08:43,894
I remember when I was
courting a certain beauty,
190
00:08:43,962 --> 00:08:45,996
I wrote her a poem.
191
00:08:46,064 --> 00:08:48,365
Of course, it was no great
piece of literature,
192
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,367
but it did express
my feelings honestly.
193
00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,736
I recall reciting the last
lines while we were
194
00:08:52,804 --> 00:08:55,639
sitting in front of the fire,
basking in our love.
195
00:08:55,707 --> 00:08:58,709
"Your lips are the flame
that consumes me
196
00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:01,144
and the candle
that lights my way."
197
00:09:01,212 --> 00:09:02,245
Frasier, love.
198
00:09:02,313 --> 00:09:03,513
Yes, dearest?
199
00:09:03,582 --> 00:09:05,883
I've never heard that
drivel before in my life.
200
00:09:12,557 --> 00:09:15,225
I wonder whose lips those were.
201
00:09:28,223 --> 00:09:31,425
Wow, Kelly,
that's beautiful.
202
00:09:31,493 --> 00:09:34,161
Come on, Uncle Val, I know you.
What's the gag?
203
00:09:34,229 --> 00:09:35,279
Look inside.
204
00:09:36,564 --> 00:09:39,767
Yeah, a new Mercedes!
205
00:09:39,834 --> 00:09:42,836
Thank you.
206
00:09:42,904 --> 00:09:44,255
Well, that looks
like that's it.
207
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:46,690
What say we all go outside
208
00:09:46,758 --> 00:09:49,126
and have a look
at some of Kelly's new cars?
209
00:09:51,763 --> 00:09:53,130
Wait, everybody.
210
00:09:53,197 --> 00:09:55,499
Woody hasn't given me
his present yet.
211
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:56,600
Oh.
212
00:09:56,668 --> 00:09:58,402
That's right, Kelly.
213
00:09:58,470 --> 00:10:00,638
Uh, could you
come stand over here?
214
00:10:01,556 --> 00:10:02,840
I'd like to sing you
215
00:10:02,908 --> 00:10:04,541
a little song
I wrote for you.
216
00:10:07,879 --> 00:10:09,880
Now I should tell
you right up front,
217
00:10:09,948 --> 00:10:12,116
that I'm not really
a professional singer.
218
00:10:12,183 --> 00:10:13,951
I'm more of a vocal stylist.
219
00:10:14,019 --> 00:10:15,419
The song, Woody.
220
00:10:15,487 --> 00:10:16,303
Oh, right.
221
00:10:28,066 --> 00:10:33,170
¶ Kelly, my darling,
you are my sunshine ¶
222
00:10:35,790 --> 00:10:39,944
¶ When we're together
I feel fine ¶
223
00:10:42,830 --> 00:10:46,483
¶ Your smile is so lovely,
your hair is so clean ¶
224
00:10:46,551 --> 00:10:53,257
¶ You make me feel that
the whole world is mine ¶
225
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,928
¶ Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ¶
226
00:10:57,996 --> 00:11:01,198
¶ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ¶
227
00:11:03,101 --> 00:11:06,737
¶ Why? Because you're
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly ¶
228
00:11:06,804 --> 00:11:09,089
¶ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly
229
00:11:09,157 --> 00:11:15,345
¶ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine ¶
230
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:21,451
¶ Mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine ¶
231
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:28,692
¶ Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine. ¶
232
00:11:38,502 --> 00:11:40,287
Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.
233
00:11:40,355 --> 00:11:41,388
You really liked it?
234
00:11:41,456 --> 00:11:43,256
Oh, I liked it
more than anything.
235
00:11:43,325 --> 00:11:44,090
Thanks.
236
00:11:44,158 --> 00:11:46,460
So, where's my gift?
237
00:12:00,358 --> 00:12:02,810
Woody, I think you ought
to lay off.
238
00:12:02,878 --> 00:12:04,779
How many have you had?
239
00:12:04,847 --> 00:12:07,532
Eleven.
240
00:12:07,599 --> 00:12:09,600
11 beers?
241
00:12:09,668 --> 00:12:11,051
11 sips.
242
00:12:13,338 --> 00:12:15,505
Well, that's...
243
00:12:15,573 --> 00:12:16,957
that's plenty, Woody.
244
00:12:17,025 --> 00:12:19,493
You know, booze is no way
to handle any problems.
245
00:12:19,561 --> 00:12:22,596
I just can't get over that Kelly
made a fool out of me
246
00:12:22,664 --> 00:12:23,964
in front of all
those people.
247
00:12:24,032 --> 00:12:25,432
So you just left, huh?
248
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:26,984
What else could I do?
249
00:12:27,052 --> 00:12:31,021
I told her my present
was out front and ran off.
250
00:12:31,090 --> 00:12:32,856
Don't worry about it, Wood.
251
00:12:32,924 --> 00:12:34,825
It happens to all of us.
252
00:12:34,893 --> 00:12:36,176
Really?
253
00:12:36,244 --> 00:12:38,245
Did Mrs. Peterson ever
make a fool out of you
254
00:12:38,313 --> 00:12:39,780
in front of other people?
255
00:12:39,848 --> 00:12:43,317
Yeah, there was that time she
pulled the old "I do" gag.
256
00:12:47,022 --> 00:12:50,391
I just never expected
this from Kelly.
257
00:12:50,458 --> 00:12:52,126
I'm really mad at her.
258
00:12:52,193 --> 00:12:54,428
She's just a rich...
259
00:12:54,496 --> 00:12:56,130
a rich...
260
00:12:56,197 --> 00:12:58,649
I'd like to call her
a nasty name,
261
00:12:58,716 --> 00:13:02,453
but I can't think of anything
that rhymes with rich.
262
00:13:02,521 --> 00:13:05,422
You know, Woody, you're better
off dumping her.
263
00:13:05,490 --> 00:13:07,458
Rich people stink.
264
00:13:07,526 --> 00:13:09,226
I hate them.
265
00:13:09,294 --> 00:13:10,994
I hate their soft shoes...
266
00:13:11,062 --> 00:13:14,298
the way they're too relaxed
to sweat.
267
00:13:14,366 --> 00:13:17,134
You know what I hate most about
rich people?
268
00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:19,470
I'm not one of them.
269
00:13:19,538 --> 00:13:22,640
Yeah, Carla, you sweat
like a longshoreman.
270
00:13:30,382 --> 00:13:33,050
Woody, I think you ought
to give her a second chance.
271
00:13:33,117 --> 00:13:35,219
I mean, Kelly doesn't know
what she's doing here.
272
00:13:35,286 --> 00:13:36,654
She was born rich.
273
00:13:36,722 --> 00:13:39,056
All her school friends
are rich.
274
00:13:39,123 --> 00:13:41,108
You know, maybe she just
can't imagine someone
275
00:13:41,175 --> 00:13:43,577
who can't afford
something expensive.
276
00:13:43,645 --> 00:13:45,178
Did you explain it to her?
277
00:13:45,246 --> 00:13:47,715
What's the use?
I don't care anymore.
278
00:13:47,782 --> 00:13:49,049
Don't be bitter.
279
00:13:49,117 --> 00:13:50,685
I'm not bitter, Sam.
280
00:13:50,752 --> 00:13:53,253
I'm just consumed
by a gnawing hate
281
00:13:53,321 --> 00:13:54,872
that's eating away at my gut
282
00:13:54,939 --> 00:13:57,241
until I can taste the bile
in my mouth.
283
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,496
Well, I guess I am a little
bitter.
284
00:14:02,564 --> 00:14:04,931
Either that or I'm coming down
with something.
285
00:14:04,999 --> 00:14:07,517
Does anybody have a Tic Tac?
286
00:14:17,979 --> 00:14:19,280
Where's Rebecca?
287
00:14:19,347 --> 00:14:20,380
In changing.
288
00:14:20,448 --> 00:14:22,116
I'm helping her
remake her image.
289
00:14:22,184 --> 00:14:23,818
We're planning to crash
the power lunch
290
00:14:23,885 --> 00:14:25,385
going on right now
at Melville's,
291
00:14:25,453 --> 00:14:26,821
to show those executives
292
00:14:26,888 --> 00:14:29,223
what a real, no-nonsense
businesswoman looks like.
293
00:14:29,291 --> 00:14:30,590
What does she look like?
294
00:14:30,658 --> 00:14:32,693
Miss Howe?
295
00:14:37,982 --> 00:14:39,266
Oh, a man.
296
00:14:40,385 --> 00:14:41,802
Carla, stop
interrupting.
297
00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:45,439
Lilith is trying to teach me how
to be a hard-ass businesswoman.
298
00:14:45,506 --> 00:14:47,141
The pretzel man wants
to see you.
299
00:14:47,209 --> 00:14:48,575
You talk to him.
300
00:14:48,643 --> 00:14:49,944
He scares me.
301
00:14:51,245 --> 00:14:53,147
You look wonderful, Rebecca.
Thank you.
302
00:14:53,215 --> 00:14:54,682
Can you breathe in that thing?
303
00:14:54,749 --> 00:14:56,417
I'm a little constricted.
304
00:14:56,484 --> 00:14:58,118
Perhaps it's the tight collar.
305
00:14:58,186 --> 00:15:01,772
Or the ace bandage strapped
around my breasts.
306
00:15:01,839 --> 00:15:04,524
Well, they interfered with
the line of your jacket.
307
00:15:04,592 --> 00:15:06,877
What do you think, Carla?
308
00:15:06,945 --> 00:15:08,279
Well, turn around.
309
00:15:09,781 --> 00:15:12,215
Bind her butt, too.
310
00:15:14,686 --> 00:15:16,804
Are you ready
311
00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:18,672
to sock it
to the old boy's network?
312
00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:19,473
I am!
313
00:15:19,541 --> 00:15:20,907
Too much inflection.
314
00:15:20,975 --> 00:15:21,575
I am.
315
00:15:21,643 --> 00:15:23,593
I am proud of you.
316
00:15:28,433 --> 00:15:32,303
Geez, two Liliths.
317
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:34,905
This is like a nightmare
I had once.
318
00:15:34,972 --> 00:15:36,273
You, too?
319
00:15:39,878 --> 00:15:41,812
Well, that cuts it.
320
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,080
The whole world's against me.
321
00:15:43,148 --> 00:15:45,048
What's the problem, Cliffie?
322
00:15:45,116 --> 00:15:46,751
Oh, those boneheads down
at McDonald's
323
00:15:46,818 --> 00:15:48,552
refuse to consider the obvious
commercial value
324
00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:52,073
of Mcbeetabaga burgers.
325
00:15:53,908 --> 00:15:55,509
For God's sake, are you
still going on about
326
00:15:55,577 --> 00:15:57,244
your stupid vegetable?
327
00:15:57,311 --> 00:15:58,913
It's not my vegetable, Norm.
328
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:00,213
It belongs to the whole world.
329
00:16:00,281 --> 00:16:02,750
Aren't you vegetable enough
for the world?
330
00:16:02,817 --> 00:16:03,934
Now you are going
to be doubting
331
00:16:04,002 --> 00:16:05,603
on the other side
of your mouth pretty soon.
332
00:16:05,671 --> 00:16:07,938
You know, I went
home last night
333
00:16:08,006 --> 00:16:09,757
and fooled around in
the kitchen a little bit,
334
00:16:09,824 --> 00:16:12,158
and I came up with some
mouthwatering morsels here.
335
00:16:12,226 --> 00:16:14,127
Come on, who's going
to be the first
336
00:16:14,195 --> 00:16:15,496
to try some of these goodies?
337
00:16:15,563 --> 00:16:16,830
We have beetabaga brittle,
338
00:16:16,898 --> 00:16:19,700
beetabaga burritos and that
little taste of Cairo,
339
00:16:19,768 --> 00:16:21,702
beetabaga fajita in a pita.
340
00:16:24,873 --> 00:16:26,840
How about a beetabaga
barf bag?
341
00:16:30,628 --> 00:16:32,362
I'd like to try one.
May I?
342
00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:34,882
Sure, you certainly may.
343
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,750
You certainly may.
344
00:16:36,818 --> 00:16:38,418
A man with a sense of adventure.
345
00:16:38,486 --> 00:16:41,021
Here you go, sir.
346
00:16:42,657 --> 00:16:44,224
Mm.
347
00:16:44,292 --> 00:16:46,326
Oh, this is delicious.
348
00:16:46,394 --> 00:16:48,596
Yeah, yeah?
Not too chalky?
349
00:16:48,663 --> 00:16:49,863
No,
350
00:16:49,931 --> 00:16:52,265
I really like the unusual
aftertaste.
351
00:16:52,333 --> 00:16:54,935
Yeah, that'll stay with
you for a couple of days.
352
00:16:55,003 --> 00:16:56,904
Now listen up down there.
353
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:59,106
This fine gentleman can
teach you something.
354
00:16:59,173 --> 00:17:00,474
You know, I plan
to tell the people
355
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:01,609
back where
I work about these.
356
00:17:01,676 --> 00:17:02,943
Oh, hey, hear that?
357
00:17:03,011 --> 00:17:04,678
And I should know
something on the subject,
358
00:17:04,746 --> 00:17:07,380
as I not only have a degree
in agriculture,
359
00:17:07,448 --> 00:17:09,382
but I'm also a graduate
of the Cordon Bleu.
360
00:17:09,450 --> 00:17:11,585
The man is an expert.
361
00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:13,353
I'm also an astronaut.
362
00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:15,422
Wow.
363
00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:18,993
Next week I'm going to be
the Queen of Spain.
364
00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:29,569
Hey, uh, Fras, could you use
another patient?
365
00:17:29,637 --> 00:17:31,488
Oh, Cliff, you're harmless.
366
00:17:33,074 --> 00:17:35,175
Yeah, there's only
one thing left to do.
367
00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:36,677
I'll just take this
to the public.
368
00:17:38,179 --> 00:17:41,148
Beetabaga fajita on a pita?
369
00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:43,583
No habla espanol, senor.
370
00:17:49,157 --> 00:17:50,858
Woody, are you okay?
371
00:17:50,925 --> 00:17:53,393
I was afraid something awful
had happened to you.
372
00:17:53,461 --> 00:17:54,995
Yeah, well, maybe it did.
373
00:17:55,063 --> 00:17:57,364
I kept waiting for you to come
back to the party,
374
00:17:57,431 --> 00:17:59,566
and at first I just figured
you'd gone out
375
00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:02,169
on to the front lawn and got
lost, like last week.
376
00:18:02,236 --> 00:18:04,337
But now I know something's
wrong.
377
00:18:04,405 --> 00:18:05,772
I'll tell you what's wrong.
378
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,674
I don't have a gift for you.
379
00:18:07,742 --> 00:18:09,109
So why don't you just leave?
380
00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:11,945
Okay, Woody, if that's
what you want.
381
00:18:13,131 --> 00:18:14,764
No, wait, Kelly.
382
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:18,368
It's not what I want, but you
have to understand something.
383
00:18:18,436 --> 00:18:20,504
I'm just a poor working guy.
384
00:18:20,572 --> 00:18:23,307
Could we go someplace and talk?
385
00:18:23,374 --> 00:18:25,409
I can't leave now.
386
00:18:25,477 --> 00:18:26,443
Why not?
387
00:18:26,511 --> 00:18:28,212
I have a job.
388
00:18:28,279 --> 00:18:31,215
I know, I think
that's so cute.
389
00:18:31,282 --> 00:18:32,916
I don't work to be cute.
390
00:18:32,984 --> 00:18:34,451
I work to make money to live.
391
00:18:34,519 --> 00:18:35,652
The cute part just happens.
392
00:18:37,355 --> 00:18:38,555
Don't you understand?
393
00:18:38,623 --> 00:18:40,925
I'm trying, Woody.
394
00:18:40,992 --> 00:18:43,360
There are some gifts you
can't put in a box
395
00:18:43,428 --> 00:18:45,830
or hold in your hand.
396
00:18:45,897 --> 00:18:48,332
Kelly, the song was my gift.
397
00:18:48,399 --> 00:18:51,602
Oh, I get it, the song is
a riddle, right?
398
00:18:51,670 --> 00:18:53,070
And if I can figure it out
399
00:18:53,137 --> 00:18:55,138
it'll tell me where you've
hidden my gift.
400
00:18:56,307 --> 00:18:59,409
I think we're just
too different.
401
00:18:59,477 --> 00:19:02,012
I don't think we should see
each other anymore.
402
00:19:02,079 --> 00:19:03,213
Really?
403
00:19:03,281 --> 00:19:04,531
Really.
404
00:19:04,599 --> 00:19:08,335
I guess there isn't anything
else to say.
405
00:19:13,925 --> 00:19:16,059
Well, I'm sorry, man.
406
00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:17,928
But what were you
supposed to do?
407
00:19:17,996 --> 00:19:20,664
You know, run out
and empty your savings,
408
00:19:20,732 --> 00:19:23,700
hock everything you own, spend
every penny you ever earned
409
00:19:23,768 --> 00:19:26,169
just to buy her a silly
little piece of jewelry?
410
00:19:26,237 --> 00:19:28,638
Sam, that's a great idea.
411
00:19:28,707 --> 00:19:30,107
No, Woody.
412
00:19:30,175 --> 00:19:32,142
And I always thought
I was the smart one.
413
00:19:46,207 --> 00:19:47,807
How'd it go?
414
00:19:47,875 --> 00:19:49,243
Well, not bad.
415
00:19:49,310 --> 00:19:51,411
If I choose to accept
their offer,
416
00:19:51,479 --> 00:19:52,979
you're looking at
the new vice president
417
00:19:53,047 --> 00:19:55,415
in charge of
the Eastern Seaboard.
418
00:19:55,483 --> 00:19:56,616
She's lying.
419
00:19:56,684 --> 00:19:58,785
I'm the vice president
of the Eastern Seaboard.
420
00:19:58,853 --> 00:20:01,088
Now I am the Eastern Seaboard.
421
00:20:01,155 --> 00:20:02,622
What a view!
422
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:15,585
¶ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly
423
00:20:15,653 --> 00:20:18,839
¶ Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
424
00:20:21,643 --> 00:20:22,676
Hi, Kelly.
425
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,345
Happy birthday.
426
00:20:25,413 --> 00:20:28,948
I thought you never wanted
to see me again.
427
00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:31,334
Oh, that was just a joke.
428
00:20:31,402 --> 00:20:33,704
You know my crazy Dutch humor.
429
00:20:36,574 --> 00:20:38,575
Here.
430
00:20:38,643 --> 00:20:41,845
Oh, Woody, you didn't have to.
431
00:20:45,149 --> 00:20:47,984
Oh, it's a pendant.
432
00:20:48,052 --> 00:20:51,054
It's a little opal
surrounded by sand.
433
00:20:51,122 --> 00:20:52,689
Those are crushed diamonds.
434
00:20:54,826 --> 00:20:56,060
I like it.
435
00:20:56,127 --> 00:20:57,794
Where's the chain?
436
00:20:57,862 --> 00:21:02,433
Well, I'll have that for you
in another 18 easy payments.
437
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:05,235
Well, let's go
get it now.
438
00:21:05,303 --> 00:21:06,903
We'll take my new Lamborghini.
439
00:21:06,972 --> 00:21:09,306
It only has
three miles on it.
440
00:21:09,374 --> 00:21:10,774
We can't go get it now.
441
00:21:10,842 --> 00:21:12,309
I don't have any money.
442
00:21:12,377 --> 00:21:15,112
Oh, we can just stop by your
automatic teller on the way.
443
00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:17,631
Kelly, when I say I don't
have any money,
444
00:21:17,698 --> 00:21:18,999
I don't have any money.
445
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:22,503
Nothing in my shoe,
nothing under my mattress.
446
00:21:22,570 --> 00:21:23,670
Nothing.
447
00:21:23,738 --> 00:21:25,572
You take all the money
in all the world
448
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:26,740
and get rid of it
449
00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:28,675
and that's how much
money I have.
450
00:21:30,194 --> 00:21:32,863
Wait a minute.
451
00:21:34,632 --> 00:21:37,300
You can't afford this, can you?
452
00:21:38,736 --> 00:21:42,038
That's why you've
been so upset.
453
00:21:42,106 --> 00:21:43,774
Now I understand.
454
00:21:43,841 --> 00:21:48,512
It's like when Daddy wanted
to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.
455
00:21:50,664 --> 00:21:54,234
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
456
00:21:54,302 --> 00:21:57,371
You know,
this is really sweet,
but I can't accept it
457
00:21:57,438 --> 00:21:58,906
if it's going to hurt you.
458
00:21:58,973 --> 00:22:01,708
Thanks, Kelly.
459
00:22:01,776 --> 00:22:04,461
I feel really bad about this.
460
00:22:04,528 --> 00:22:06,196
No, I'm the one.
461
00:22:08,499 --> 00:22:11,534
You see, I just wanted
to give you something
462
00:22:11,602 --> 00:22:12,802
that nobody else could,
463
00:22:12,871 --> 00:22:14,972
and I know I couldn't compete
with your friends
464
00:22:15,039 --> 00:22:18,775
when it came to expensive stuff,
so I tried that dorky song.
465
00:22:18,843 --> 00:22:20,510
It was pretty.
466
00:22:20,578 --> 00:22:22,312
The tune or the words?
467
00:22:22,380 --> 00:22:24,147
The words especially.
468
00:22:24,215 --> 00:22:27,384
Good, 'cause I sort
of ripped off the tune.
469
00:22:27,451 --> 00:22:30,420
I liked it.
470
00:22:30,488 --> 00:22:33,206
Well, gee, there is one other
thing I wanted to give you,
471
00:22:33,274 --> 00:22:35,342
and maybe it's even
better than the song.
472
00:22:35,409 --> 00:22:36,977
No one else in the world has it.
473
00:22:37,044 --> 00:22:39,145
What's that?
474
00:22:39,213 --> 00:22:41,915
Just...
475
00:22:41,983 --> 00:22:44,150
I love you.
476
00:22:53,828 --> 00:22:57,814
You're not going to say
"where's my gift," are you?
477
00:22:57,882 --> 00:23:02,152
Oh, Woody, you make me
feel so ashamed.
478
00:23:04,055 --> 00:23:07,557
Your gift makes all those
others seem so cheap.
479
00:23:07,625 --> 00:23:09,576
Look, Kelly, you're the best
girl in the whole world.
480
00:23:09,643 --> 00:23:11,345
And to think that
for your birthday
481
00:23:11,412 --> 00:23:13,313
I was going to get
you a Porsche.
482
00:23:18,352 --> 00:23:22,923
Talk about shallow.
483
00:23:22,990 --> 00:23:27,978
All you really need is to hear
me say that I love you, too.
484
00:23:32,566 --> 00:23:34,301
Woody?
485
00:23:36,287 --> 00:23:38,205
Woody?
486
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,942
I'm sorry, did you say
something after Porsche?