1 00:00:12,566 --> 00:00:14,034 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:14,034 --> 00:00:15,903 Norm! Norm! Norm! 3 00:00:15,903 --> 00:00:17,472 Norman. 4 00:00:17,472 --> 00:00:18,674 What's new, norm? 5 00:00:18,674 --> 00:00:19,741 Most of my wife. 6 00:00:22,678 --> 00:00:25,448 I thought you'd gone up to Maine for the holidays with Vera. 7 00:00:25,448 --> 00:00:26,416 Yeah, I am, coach. 8 00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,717 What happened? 9 00:00:27,717 --> 00:00:29,553 Nothing. Nothing. Vera drove up last night 10 00:00:29,553 --> 00:00:31,021 and I had to stick around 11 00:00:31,021 --> 00:00:32,423 for an interview today, so, 12 00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:34,459 I'm gonna drive up tonight. 13 00:00:34,459 --> 00:00:36,928 She left me the directions here. 14 00:00:36,928 --> 00:00:39,264 I should have no trouble finding the place. 15 00:00:39,264 --> 00:00:40,900 Getting away, eh, Norman? 16 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:41,901 Yeah. 17 00:00:41,901 --> 00:00:44,537 Yeah, we got, uh, just the two of us. 18 00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:50,645 Oh... 19 00:00:50,645 --> 00:00:53,915 Big, uh, big trees up there, you know. 20 00:00:53,915 --> 00:00:57,085 You got a frozen lake, 21 00:00:57,085 --> 00:00:59,655 one radio station. 22 00:00:59,655 --> 00:01:02,692 It sounds very romantic, Norman. 23 00:01:02,692 --> 00:01:03,593 Yeah. 24 00:01:03,593 --> 00:01:06,364 Yeah, it does, doesn't it? 25 00:01:06,364 --> 00:01:08,666 Where can a guy go for a good time around here? 26 00:01:13,204 --> 00:01:14,540 Enjoy. 27 00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:20,813 Hey, wait a minute, pal. 28 00:01:20,813 --> 00:01:22,416 Please, I can't. 29 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,751 I can't do that to the Navy. 30 00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,796 ♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪ 31 00:01:33,796 --> 00:01:36,799 ♪ takes everything you've got ♪ 32 00:01:36,799 --> 00:01:39,670 ♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪ 33 00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:42,974 ♪ sure would help a lot ♪ 34 00:01:42,974 --> 00:01:48,814 ♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪ 35 00:01:48,814 --> 00:01:50,816 ♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪ 36 00:01:50,816 --> 00:01:54,421 ♪ where everybody knows your name ♪ 37 00:01:56,456 --> 00:02:00,828 ♪ and they're always glad you came ♪ 38 00:02:00,828 --> 00:02:03,531 ♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪ 39 00:02:03,531 --> 00:02:05,934 ♪ our troubles are all the same ♪ 40 00:02:05,934 --> 00:02:11,307 ♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪ 41 00:02:11,307 --> 00:02:13,810 ♪ you wanna go where people know ♪ 42 00:02:13,810 --> 00:02:16,547 ♪ people are all the same ♪ 43 00:02:16,547 --> 00:02:20,619 ♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪ 44 00:03:14,082 --> 00:03:16,217 Hey. If you're in the mood for gum, 45 00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:17,720 I can get you a fresh stick. 46 00:03:20,823 --> 00:03:23,994 Actually, I was looking for bugs. 47 00:03:23,994 --> 00:03:27,397 Try the blonde girl's hair. 48 00:03:27,397 --> 00:03:28,866 Say, uh, 49 00:03:28,866 --> 00:03:30,301 you're from england, huh? 50 00:03:30,301 --> 00:03:31,903 How did you guess? 51 00:03:31,903 --> 00:03:35,941 'Cause you sound smart even when you say stupid things. 52 00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,476 I hope you won't think me presumptuous, 53 00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:44,017 but dark, exotic women like you bring a fever to my blood. 54 00:03:44,017 --> 00:03:44,985 Wow. 55 00:03:44,985 --> 00:03:47,688 Classy! 56 00:03:47,688 --> 00:03:49,725 My name is Carla. 57 00:03:49,725 --> 00:03:50,959 What can I get you? 58 00:03:53,394 --> 00:03:55,131 How do you do, Carla? 59 00:03:55,131 --> 00:03:56,065 Whoa. 60 00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:02,405 My name's Eric Finch. 61 00:04:02,405 --> 00:04:04,508 Gin and bitters will do. 62 00:04:04,508 --> 00:04:07,078 You have an interesting profile. 63 00:04:07,078 --> 00:04:08,046 Oh? 64 00:04:08,046 --> 00:04:10,148 Neapolitan. Right? 65 00:04:10,148 --> 00:04:12,785 That's right. My grandfather was from Naples. 66 00:04:12,785 --> 00:04:15,454 We have an interesting saying in my business... 67 00:04:15,454 --> 00:04:17,157 "giving your heart to a neapolitan girl 68 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:21,563 is like forgetting to burn your code book." 69 00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:24,331 Oops! Blast! 70 00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:25,633 Now I've bloody well done it. 71 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,169 You're not a spy or anything... 72 00:04:27,169 --> 00:04:30,472 Shh! Quiet, please. Please don't say anything more. 73 00:04:30,472 --> 00:04:32,375 You might put my life in jeopardy. 74 00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:33,342 You see that man there? 75 00:04:33,342 --> 00:04:34,343 Yeah. 76 00:04:34,343 --> 00:04:35,679 He might be the secret agent 77 00:04:35,679 --> 00:04:39,617 from some foreign country's intelligence. 78 00:04:39,617 --> 00:04:43,021 I'd hate to live there. 79 00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:45,991 Hey, all right. Here's a little-known fact. 80 00:04:45,991 --> 00:04:48,595 Your smartest animal is the pig. 81 00:04:48,595 --> 00:04:51,163 What? They look pretty stupid. 82 00:04:51,163 --> 00:04:53,701 I'm telling you. Your average oinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 83 00:04:53,701 --> 00:04:56,036 Scientists say if a pig had thumbs and a language, 84 00:04:56,036 --> 00:04:58,372 he could be trained to do simple manual labor. 85 00:04:58,372 --> 00:05:00,374 You mean, they'd be part of the work force. 86 00:05:00,374 --> 00:05:01,409 Yeah, yeah. They could give you 87 00:05:01,409 --> 00:05:02,944 20, 30 years of loyal service, 88 00:05:02,944 --> 00:05:05,581 then at their retirement dinner, you could eat 'em. 89 00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:10,921 Nah, for me, the smartest animal is a pigeon. 90 00:05:10,921 --> 00:05:12,022 Huh? 91 00:05:12,022 --> 00:05:16,060 1,000 cars on the turnpike, they find mine. 92 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:17,461 I'd have to... I'd have to 93 00:05:17,461 --> 00:05:18,864 give my vote to the ants. 94 00:05:18,864 --> 00:05:19,998 How do you figure that? 95 00:05:19,998 --> 00:05:21,900 You ever see those farms they build? 96 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:25,171 Yeah? They build those things without plans. 97 00:05:25,171 --> 00:05:26,205 To ants! 98 00:05:26,205 --> 00:05:28,107 For all you do, this one's for you. 99 00:05:30,110 --> 00:05:31,078 Hey, coach, 100 00:05:31,078 --> 00:05:33,047 what do you say is the smartest animal? 101 00:05:33,047 --> 00:05:35,116 I gotta say Francis the talking mule. 102 00:05:37,986 --> 00:05:40,990 Uh, no, coach, I don't think you're catching on here. 103 00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:43,325 Uh, there was a real guy talking through that mule. 104 00:05:43,325 --> 00:05:45,996 Uh, well, it wasn't so much that he could talk, 105 00:05:45,996 --> 00:05:47,765 it was what he said, right, coach? 106 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:49,199 Yeah, that's right. And it's a lot better 107 00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:51,703 than that drivel that Mr. Ed was giving us. 108 00:05:54,138 --> 00:05:55,741 Hey, uh, Sam. 109 00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:57,509 A gin and bitters. 110 00:05:57,509 --> 00:05:58,944 Hey, everybody, come here. 111 00:05:58,944 --> 00:06:00,680 Don't anybody look suddenly, 112 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,749 but there is a guy sitting over there 113 00:06:02,749 --> 00:06:04,317 who's a secret agent. 114 00:06:04,317 --> 00:06:06,420 That's ridiculous. 115 00:06:06,420 --> 00:06:08,856 Thanks for being so cool. 116 00:06:08,856 --> 00:06:10,658 You mean like a spy or something? 117 00:06:10,658 --> 00:06:12,094 You mean like James Bond? 118 00:06:12,094 --> 00:06:14,930 Hey, norm, Jack, come on. It's stakeout time. 119 00:06:14,930 --> 00:06:16,900 What makes you think that? 120 00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:18,968 He kind of opened up to me. 121 00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:20,536 I was sitting there talking to him, 122 00:06:20,536 --> 00:06:24,474 and he said he thinks I'm sexy. 123 00:06:24,474 --> 00:06:28,413 They're trained to lie. 124 00:06:28,413 --> 00:06:30,415 You know, Diane, 125 00:06:30,415 --> 00:06:32,083 he just got back from Ankara, 126 00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:33,452 and he says that I'm cuter 127 00:06:33,452 --> 00:06:37,323 than any of the Bulgarian girls he saw there. 128 00:06:37,323 --> 00:06:38,692 Well, I'm not surprised. 129 00:06:38,692 --> 00:06:41,128 Ankara is in Turkey. 130 00:06:41,128 --> 00:06:43,932 Great. I really wanted to know that. 131 00:06:43,932 --> 00:06:47,168 Another fascinating fact from the answer geek. 132 00:06:49,805 --> 00:06:51,573 What's the matter with her? 133 00:06:51,573 --> 00:06:52,808 Why are you always doing that? 134 00:06:52,808 --> 00:06:54,410 You're always correcting people. 135 00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:55,445 No, I'm not. 136 00:06:55,445 --> 00:06:56,847 Oh, I stand corrected. 137 00:06:56,847 --> 00:06:59,683 Oh, come on. That doesn't count. 138 00:06:59,683 --> 00:07:01,152 I'm wrong again, coach. 139 00:07:01,152 --> 00:07:03,054 All I said was it doesn't sound 140 00:07:03,054 --> 00:07:04,857 like he knows what he's talking about. 141 00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,458 Who in the world would make the mistake of thinking 142 00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:08,660 that Ankara is in Bulgaria? 143 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:10,029 No, Francis wouldn't. 144 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,500 If you're a spy, then how come 145 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:17,171 you're sitting with your back to the door? 146 00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:22,844 Because I can see the door reflected in your beautiful eyes. 147 00:07:22,844 --> 00:07:25,447 That old line. 148 00:07:25,447 --> 00:07:30,019 Your eyes remind me of an etching that I once bought in Norway. 149 00:07:30,019 --> 00:07:32,923 I paid 200 guilders for it. 150 00:07:32,923 --> 00:07:35,392 The currency in Norway is the krone. 151 00:07:35,392 --> 00:07:36,594 Oh, Diane... 152 00:07:36,594 --> 00:07:37,762 If you have a license to kill, 153 00:07:37,762 --> 00:07:40,264 can I use it a second? 154 00:07:40,264 --> 00:07:41,066 She's right. 155 00:07:41,066 --> 00:07:43,202 She is? Of course! 156 00:07:43,202 --> 00:07:46,973 That's how we broke down Norway's economic system... 157 00:07:46,973 --> 00:07:51,211 By infiltrating the government with foreign currency. 158 00:07:51,211 --> 00:07:52,179 Is that right? 159 00:07:52,179 --> 00:07:53,347 Oh, Diane. 160 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:56,050 That way we undermined the people's confidence 161 00:07:56,050 --> 00:07:58,787 in their totalitarian regime. 162 00:07:58,787 --> 00:08:00,522 Aha! 163 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:03,059 Norway doesn't have a totalitarian regime. 164 00:08:03,059 --> 00:08:03,827 Aha! 165 00:08:03,827 --> 00:08:04,794 [Whistles] 166 00:08:04,794 --> 00:08:06,262 Hey! Get over here! 167 00:08:08,365 --> 00:08:09,299 Pardonez-moi. 168 00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:11,501 I believe my employer craves a word. 169 00:08:18,878 --> 00:08:20,579 You bellowed? 170 00:08:20,579 --> 00:08:21,881 Yeah. Yeah, I did. 171 00:08:21,881 --> 00:08:23,951 What are you trying to do? 172 00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,552 I don't believe that guy's a spy 173 00:08:25,552 --> 00:08:26,954 for one minute. 174 00:08:26,954 --> 00:08:28,321 I think he's lying. 175 00:08:28,321 --> 00:08:31,893 What? A customer in a bar is telling tall tales 176 00:08:31,893 --> 00:08:33,996 just to impress a cocktail waitress? 177 00:08:33,996 --> 00:08:35,364 Call 60 minutes. 178 00:08:37,599 --> 00:08:39,569 All right. 179 00:08:39,569 --> 00:08:41,737 When you put it that way... 180 00:08:41,737 --> 00:08:43,806 The thing is... Look, look, listen. 181 00:08:43,806 --> 00:08:45,442 Why do you suppose people come to bars 182 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,510 in the first place, huh? 183 00:08:46,510 --> 00:08:48,712 Oh, let me take a wild stab at that one. 184 00:08:48,712 --> 00:08:49,982 Perchance to drink? 185 00:08:49,982 --> 00:08:51,749 Wrong. Wrong. They can do that at home. 186 00:08:51,749 --> 00:08:52,951 They come here to shoot off their mouths 187 00:08:52,951 --> 00:08:54,619 and get away with it. 188 00:08:54,619 --> 00:08:58,057 Listen, in this bar, everybody gets to be the hero. 189 00:08:58,057 --> 00:09:00,527 Now what's the harm? 190 00:09:00,527 --> 00:09:03,630 Sam, any kind of lie 191 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:06,501 is eventually destructive. 192 00:09:06,501 --> 00:09:09,837 I was raised and educated to prize truth 193 00:09:09,837 --> 00:09:11,273 above all else. 194 00:09:11,273 --> 00:09:14,076 This from a woman wearing rubber eyelashes 195 00:09:14,076 --> 00:09:15,444 and a padded bra. 196 00:09:18,748 --> 00:09:19,816 That's a lie. 197 00:09:19,816 --> 00:09:21,051 I'm gonna need some proof. 198 00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:24,622 Look, look, all I'm saying is 199 00:09:24,622 --> 00:09:27,059 if this guy wants to be a spy, 200 00:09:27,059 --> 00:09:29,161 humor him, indulge him a little bit. 201 00:09:29,161 --> 00:09:30,062 Sam... 202 00:09:30,062 --> 00:09:31,697 Come on. What's the big deal? 203 00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:34,600 [Sigh] Ok, ok, he's a spy. 204 00:09:41,775 --> 00:09:42,978 Uh... 205 00:09:42,978 --> 00:09:45,948 Excuse me. 206 00:09:45,948 --> 00:09:47,883 Uh, Carla here... 207 00:09:47,883 --> 00:09:50,886 She inadvertently blew your cover before. 208 00:09:50,886 --> 00:09:53,457 Oh, boy. 209 00:09:53,457 --> 00:09:57,027 So I understand you're in the spy game, huh? 210 00:10:00,331 --> 00:10:02,400 Sir, what's it like to be a spy? 211 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,103 We swear... not a word you say 212 00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,405 will ever go beyond this room, right? 213 00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:08,007 We never go beyond this room. 214 00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:13,814 Can I... 215 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,149 Really trust you chaps? 216 00:10:15,149 --> 00:10:17,085 Oh, yeah, sure. Trust us. 217 00:10:17,085 --> 00:10:18,619 Everybody swear. 218 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,123 Cross my heart. 219 00:10:21,123 --> 00:10:23,858 What you've got to understand 220 00:10:23,858 --> 00:10:25,328 is that we're not all like 221 00:10:25,328 --> 00:10:27,397 what we're portrayed in the cinema. 222 00:10:27,397 --> 00:10:29,165 You know, we don't think of ourselves as heroes. 223 00:10:29,165 --> 00:10:31,368 We're just out there doing a job. 224 00:10:31,368 --> 00:10:33,670 Putting our lives on the line for democracy. 225 00:10:37,242 --> 00:10:39,644 Tell us about your most hair-raising mission, huh? 226 00:10:39,644 --> 00:10:45,118 You ever get betrayed in the sack by a Russian babe? 227 00:10:45,118 --> 00:10:47,554 Let me tell you something about Russian women. 228 00:10:47,554 --> 00:10:52,360 The cold weather makes them very passionate. 229 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,095 Lake wannamucket, here I come. 230 00:10:57,133 --> 00:11:00,869 You asked me about my most exciting adventure. 231 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,806 I think of rumania, 232 00:11:03,806 --> 00:11:06,944 1973. 233 00:11:06,944 --> 00:11:08,046 Yes. 234 00:11:08,046 --> 00:11:10,914 I was captured by the dreaded rpb. 235 00:11:10,914 --> 00:11:11,883 [Gasps] 236 00:11:11,883 --> 00:11:13,318 Ooh! The rpb. 237 00:11:17,223 --> 00:11:19,259 They are every bit as fiendish as you've heard. 238 00:11:19,259 --> 00:11:22,629 They even used the infamous twister 239 00:11:22,629 --> 00:11:24,098 on me, the devils. 240 00:11:24,098 --> 00:11:25,266 What's the twister? 241 00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:28,703 It's a ride at coney island. 242 00:11:28,703 --> 00:11:30,705 Those animals. 243 00:11:30,705 --> 00:11:34,077 Hey, Diane, why don't you just shut up, huh? 244 00:11:34,077 --> 00:11:36,845 Carla, he's been lying to you. 245 00:11:36,845 --> 00:11:38,415 No, he hasn't. 246 00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:40,684 Hey, you are not a history expert. 247 00:11:40,684 --> 00:11:43,253 You majored in poetry. 248 00:11:43,253 --> 00:11:44,755 Tell her you haven't been lying, Eric. 249 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:51,097 Hey, tell her you haven't been lying, Eric. 250 00:11:58,105 --> 00:11:59,440 She's absolutely right. 251 00:12:05,747 --> 00:12:07,582 You mean you've been lying the whole time? 252 00:12:11,821 --> 00:12:13,423 The whole time. 253 00:12:13,423 --> 00:12:14,690 Let me get this straight here. 254 00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,593 Cold weather does not make women passionate? 255 00:12:19,496 --> 00:12:21,299 I'll see Vera in the spring. What the hell. 256 00:12:23,835 --> 00:12:25,303 Why did you lie to us? 257 00:12:28,174 --> 00:12:29,342 Because... 258 00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:33,513 My life is... 259 00:12:33,513 --> 00:12:36,917 Very unexciting, and it's... 260 00:12:36,917 --> 00:12:39,787 Very dull. 261 00:12:39,787 --> 00:12:42,191 I've been a failure at everything I've ever tried to do, 262 00:12:42,191 --> 00:12:44,860 but you know, 263 00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:47,130 sometimes late at night, 264 00:12:47,130 --> 00:12:49,732 in a friendly bar, 265 00:12:49,732 --> 00:12:51,601 I sometimes 266 00:12:51,601 --> 00:12:54,738 can make someone believe that I'm interesting... 267 00:12:57,442 --> 00:12:59,611 But you're much too smart for me. 268 00:12:59,611 --> 00:13:03,516 You don't need any delusions. 269 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,487 Good night, miss. 270 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:20,002 Before you say anything, 271 00:13:20,002 --> 00:13:21,136 I would just like you to know 272 00:13:21,136 --> 00:13:22,605 that I could not feel any worse 273 00:13:22,605 --> 00:13:25,108 than I do at this very moment. 274 00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:26,243 I'm so sorry. 275 00:13:27,211 --> 00:13:31,682 I forgot the tip. 276 00:13:31,682 --> 00:13:32,683 Merry Christmas. 277 00:13:36,322 --> 00:13:37,723 Wrong again. 278 00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:52,507 I failed. I blew it. 279 00:13:52,507 --> 00:13:53,575 I quit. 280 00:13:53,575 --> 00:13:54,876 I don't belong in a place like this 281 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,679 and there's no point in arguing about it. 282 00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:59,415 Who's arguing? 283 00:13:59,415 --> 00:14:03,019 I'm opinionated. I'm stubborn. I am smug. 284 00:14:03,019 --> 00:14:05,456 A little louder. They can't hear you in the back room. 285 00:14:07,392 --> 00:14:08,726 I wouldn't have believed it, but 286 00:14:08,726 --> 00:14:11,397 I'm a total washout as a cocktail waitress. 287 00:14:11,397 --> 00:14:12,765 I don't belong here. 288 00:14:12,765 --> 00:14:14,032 Stay in touch, kid. 289 00:14:14,032 --> 00:14:15,234 Carla. 290 00:14:15,234 --> 00:14:18,572 Diane, Diane. Please, listen. 291 00:14:18,572 --> 00:14:20,874 I don't know exactly what's going on here, 292 00:14:20,874 --> 00:14:23,210 but it looks like you booted a grounder, right? 293 00:14:25,145 --> 00:14:26,547 Right. You know what I used to say 294 00:14:26,547 --> 00:14:27,716 to one of my ball players 295 00:14:27,716 --> 00:14:29,651 when he made a mental error? 296 00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:30,586 What? 297 00:14:30,586 --> 00:14:32,322 Nothing. That's why I got fired. 298 00:14:35,725 --> 00:14:37,261 Diane, come back, wait, come back here. 299 00:14:37,261 --> 00:14:38,829 Come back here. 300 00:14:38,829 --> 00:14:41,164 Look, you made a mistake, that's all. 301 00:14:41,164 --> 00:14:42,266 Now make up for it. 302 00:14:42,266 --> 00:14:43,668 Go find the poor guy, 303 00:14:43,668 --> 00:14:45,437 bring him back here, and apologize. 304 00:14:45,437 --> 00:14:46,905 Well, that's a wonderful idea, 305 00:14:46,905 --> 00:14:49,074 but I wouldn't know where to begin to look for him. 306 00:14:49,074 --> 00:14:51,043 Well, I think your British embassy 307 00:14:51,043 --> 00:14:52,979 could probably help you there, 308 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:56,350 and I've got a pretty good ear for dialects. 309 00:14:56,350 --> 00:14:58,486 My instincts tell me limey. 310 00:15:03,257 --> 00:15:06,495 His name is Eric Finch. 311 00:15:06,495 --> 00:15:07,763 All right. I'll do it. 312 00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:14,572 I am going to comb this city! 313 00:15:14,572 --> 00:15:15,973 I'll look everywhere, 314 00:15:15,973 --> 00:15:18,275 every hotel, every restaurant, every cheap diner. 315 00:15:18,275 --> 00:15:20,412 I'm going to find this man or die trying. 316 00:15:20,412 --> 00:15:23,315 Excuse me. 317 00:15:23,315 --> 00:15:24,884 Look who's back! 318 00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:28,555 I just came back to try and explain to you 319 00:15:28,555 --> 00:15:29,656 why I did what I did. 320 00:15:29,656 --> 00:15:33,193 Don't bother. Come on. No! 321 00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:34,595 Coach: Mr. Finch, come on, will ya? 322 00:15:34,595 --> 00:15:36,998 Everybody in the bar exaggerates a little. 323 00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:38,467 Sure. For example, I'm not really 324 00:15:38,467 --> 00:15:39,601 this good-looking. 325 00:15:42,805 --> 00:15:44,674 Everybody in bars tells stories. 326 00:15:44,674 --> 00:15:47,478 You just got a little carried away there, that's all. 327 00:15:47,478 --> 00:15:49,813 That's right. I'm afraid I'm the victim 328 00:15:49,813 --> 00:15:54,386 of an over active imagination. 329 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:58,056 You see, when you spend 12 hours a day 330 00:15:58,056 --> 00:16:01,093 in a room alone writing, 331 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,629 writing, writing, 332 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,399 sometimes you just lose touch with reality! 333 00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:06,667 So I'm awfully sorry, 334 00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:09,203 and I beg your pardon, and good night. 335 00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:10,471 No, no. 336 00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:13,174 You write? 337 00:16:13,174 --> 00:16:14,142 Yes. 338 00:16:14,142 --> 00:16:15,310 Mostly verse. 339 00:16:15,310 --> 00:16:16,277 Farewell. 340 00:16:16,277 --> 00:16:17,246 Ah, wait! 341 00:16:17,246 --> 00:16:19,716 You write poetry? 342 00:16:19,716 --> 00:16:21,984 I'd love to hear some. 343 00:16:21,984 --> 00:16:24,221 We all would. Huh? 344 00:16:24,221 --> 00:16:25,689 Sure, sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. 345 00:16:30,395 --> 00:16:31,630 You know, it's, uh, 346 00:16:31,630 --> 00:16:33,132 it's not often we have a guy in here 347 00:16:33,132 --> 00:16:34,567 who can write poetry. 348 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:35,935 We got a guy in the men's room, Sam, 349 00:16:35,935 --> 00:16:37,737 who writes some terrific stuff. 350 00:16:41,374 --> 00:16:42,375 Gin and bitters, right? 351 00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:43,978 Yes. Thank you. 352 00:16:43,978 --> 00:16:45,079 Are you published? 353 00:16:45,079 --> 00:16:46,548 Oh, no, no, I... 354 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,182 I don't even send my stuff in. 355 00:16:48,182 --> 00:16:49,652 I'm not really very good. 356 00:16:49,652 --> 00:16:52,254 Oh! Don't be silly. Let me be the judge of that. 357 00:16:52,254 --> 00:16:53,922 I majored in poetry. 358 00:16:53,922 --> 00:16:56,292 I thought you majored in philosophy. 359 00:16:56,292 --> 00:16:57,594 No, it was psychology, 360 00:16:57,594 --> 00:16:59,930 but that was before literature 361 00:16:59,930 --> 00:17:01,799 and after French. 362 00:17:01,799 --> 00:17:04,603 No, no. That was after art history. 363 00:17:04,603 --> 00:17:06,237 And before anthropology. 364 00:17:06,237 --> 00:17:08,874 No, no. We're forgetting Indian studies again. 365 00:17:12,612 --> 00:17:15,081 Yeah, and manchurian folk dancing. 366 00:17:15,081 --> 00:17:16,016 All right. 367 00:17:18,952 --> 00:17:22,857 Anyway, I would love to see some of your work. 368 00:17:22,857 --> 00:17:23,825 Well, I just don't have anything 369 00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:24,859 with me at the moment. 370 00:17:24,859 --> 00:17:27,497 Except it's all in here... 371 00:17:27,497 --> 00:17:29,932 And... here. 372 00:17:29,932 --> 00:17:30,900 I must hear one. 373 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:32,569 Really? Yes! 374 00:17:32,569 --> 00:17:33,670 All right. I'll try something. 375 00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:35,038 See, how did that go? 376 00:17:37,408 --> 00:17:39,176 The she I love... 377 00:17:39,176 --> 00:17:41,547 Alas, in vain... 378 00:17:41,547 --> 00:17:45,317 Floats before my slumbering eyes. 379 00:17:45,317 --> 00:17:46,552 And when she comes, 380 00:17:46,552 --> 00:17:48,454 she lulls my pain. 381 00:17:48,454 --> 00:17:50,156 And when she goes, 382 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,527 what pangs arise. 383 00:17:55,496 --> 00:17:57,465 My god, that's lovely. 384 00:17:57,465 --> 00:17:58,567 I kind of liked it. 385 00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:00,235 What do you think, there, sir norm? 386 00:18:00,235 --> 00:18:04,641 I think it'll look great up on the tiles. 387 00:18:04,641 --> 00:18:07,644 Mr. Finch, I am awestruck. 388 00:18:07,644 --> 00:18:09,212 Me, too. Great. 389 00:18:09,212 --> 00:18:11,081 Please, tell us more. 390 00:18:11,081 --> 00:18:13,417 Well, maybe not so soon after the first one. 391 00:18:13,417 --> 00:18:16,087 Give us a little chance to rub down the goose bumps. 392 00:18:18,924 --> 00:18:23,563 This is a night I will never forget. 393 00:18:23,563 --> 00:18:26,733 It so happens that I am on speaking terms 394 00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:28,068 with one of the poetry editors 395 00:18:28,068 --> 00:18:29,904 at the Atlantic monthly. 396 00:18:29,904 --> 00:18:31,806 Yes. He spoke at my college once. 397 00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:35,210 I'm going to call him and tell him about you. 398 00:18:35,210 --> 00:18:37,846 Wait, uh... Wait... 399 00:18:37,846 --> 00:18:40,483 Aren't you getting a little carried away here? 400 00:18:40,483 --> 00:18:41,618 May I have the phone? 401 00:18:41,618 --> 00:18:44,487 Yes, and loving it. 402 00:18:44,487 --> 00:18:46,156 Humoring the guy is one thing. I mean, 403 00:18:46,156 --> 00:18:48,659 he can have all the fantasies he wants in my bar. 404 00:18:48,659 --> 00:18:50,028 But don't you think you're going a little 405 00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:51,563 too far to make him feel good? 406 00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:55,568 Sam, the poem that he wrote is excellent. 407 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:57,036 Scratch a liar, find a poet. 408 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,872 No, no. So he memorized one. What's that prove? 409 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:04,277 Sam, we are now in my area of expertise. 410 00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:07,916 When you want to talk about poetry, you come to me. 411 00:19:07,916 --> 00:19:10,819 When you want to talk about jock itch, come to you. 412 00:19:14,123 --> 00:19:15,658 Yes. May I speak to him, please? 413 00:19:15,658 --> 00:19:18,094 This is Diane chambers. 414 00:19:18,094 --> 00:19:21,331 He's chatting with John updike? 415 00:19:21,331 --> 00:19:22,900 Well... interrupt. 416 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,335 No, I'm not kidding. 417 00:19:24,335 --> 00:19:26,704 I have something that is going to make John updike 418 00:19:26,704 --> 00:19:29,608 seem like pretty small pommes de terre. 419 00:19:29,608 --> 00:19:31,476 Diane, I wouldn't do this if I were you. 420 00:19:31,476 --> 00:19:32,545 Yes, I'll wait. 421 00:19:32,545 --> 00:19:35,414 Would you leave me alone, please? 422 00:19:35,414 --> 00:19:38,886 Mr. Finch, he really should hear this directly from you. 423 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,087 Will you come over, please? 424 00:19:42,522 --> 00:19:44,626 What is your best work? 425 00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:45,961 Well, there's a little something 426 00:19:45,961 --> 00:19:50,032 that I dashed off this morning I'm proud of. 427 00:19:50,032 --> 00:19:52,769 Yes. Hello, my name is Diane chambers. 428 00:19:52,769 --> 00:19:54,604 Yes, I know you're very busy, 429 00:19:54,604 --> 00:19:57,140 but I have a wonderful surprise for you. 430 00:19:57,140 --> 00:19:59,778 Please, just listen for a moment. 431 00:19:59,778 --> 00:20:00,745 First alert, cliffie. 432 00:20:00,745 --> 00:20:02,146 Strap yourself in, pal. 433 00:20:02,146 --> 00:20:03,447 Dive, dive. 434 00:20:03,447 --> 00:20:04,950 Ooh-ga, ooh-ga. 435 00:20:09,890 --> 00:20:11,557 Excuse me, we are about to make 436 00:20:11,557 --> 00:20:13,093 literary history here. 437 00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:16,731 Hello? 438 00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:23,706 My heart is like a singing bird 439 00:20:23,706 --> 00:20:26,509 whose nest is in the watered shoot. 440 00:20:26,509 --> 00:20:29,078 Now, that's a poet. 441 00:20:29,078 --> 00:20:31,749 My heart is like an apple tree 442 00:20:31,749 --> 00:20:35,085 whose bough is bent with thick-set fruit. 443 00:20:35,085 --> 00:20:38,156 My heart is like a rainbow shell 444 00:20:38,156 --> 00:20:41,694 that paddles on a halcyon sea. 445 00:20:41,694 --> 00:20:44,797 My heart is gladder than all these things 446 00:20:44,797 --> 00:20:46,900 because my love has come to me. 447 00:20:49,803 --> 00:20:51,539 The nuns taught us that in school. 448 00:20:51,539 --> 00:20:53,341 I get tears just remembering it. 449 00:20:53,341 --> 00:20:54,776 No fooling. Tears? 450 00:20:54,776 --> 00:20:56,678 Yeah. They used to whack us with their beads. 451 00:21:01,116 --> 00:21:04,154 Ah, yes, rosetti. You're right. Ha ha! 452 00:21:04,154 --> 00:21:06,556 Thank you for settling that bet. Wonderful. 453 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:09,426 Now, to whom could I speak about a subscription? I... 454 00:21:12,164 --> 00:21:14,099 I don't believe this guy. I mean, 455 00:21:14,099 --> 00:21:15,801 you cannot believe a word 456 00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:18,137 that comes out of his mouth. 457 00:21:18,137 --> 00:21:20,006 You know, if you could fix tvs 458 00:21:20,006 --> 00:21:21,941 and crack walnuts on your forehead, 459 00:21:21,941 --> 00:21:23,443 you could be my ex-husband. 460 00:21:26,013 --> 00:21:28,249 Mr. Finch, or whatever, 461 00:21:28,249 --> 00:21:29,885 I don't know what your real story is... 462 00:21:29,885 --> 00:21:31,386 And believe me, the last thing I want 463 00:21:31,386 --> 00:21:33,722 is for you to tell me... 464 00:21:33,722 --> 00:21:34,824 But I want to thank you 465 00:21:34,824 --> 00:21:36,826 for entertaining us here tonight. 466 00:21:36,826 --> 00:21:38,996 I'm really glad you came. 467 00:21:38,996 --> 00:21:40,130 Thank you very much. 468 00:21:40,130 --> 00:21:42,833 My real name is Thomas hilliard III. 469 00:21:42,833 --> 00:21:45,569 Well, whatever. 470 00:21:45,569 --> 00:21:48,940 You know, you have a very charming saloon here. 471 00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:50,876 Thank you. I'm glad you like it. 472 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:53,946 To show you how much I like it, 473 00:21:53,946 --> 00:21:55,381 I'd like to buy it. 474 00:21:55,381 --> 00:21:57,317 [Laughter] 475 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:00,321 How much is it worth to you, Sam? 476 00:22:00,321 --> 00:22:02,056 This guy's not gonna give up. 477 00:22:02,056 --> 00:22:04,358 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Um, let me guess, let me guess. 478 00:22:04,358 --> 00:22:06,394 You are, uh, an eccentric millionaire 479 00:22:06,394 --> 00:22:09,597 who hangs around bars and, uh, tells stories about himself 480 00:22:09,597 --> 00:22:12,435 just so he can have fun with the people, right? 481 00:22:12,435 --> 00:22:15,372 You're kinda like Howard Hughes, huh, Mr. Hilliard? 482 00:22:15,372 --> 00:22:16,540 Please don't mention that name. 483 00:22:16,540 --> 00:22:17,942 He died owing me money. 484 00:22:25,083 --> 00:22:26,953 Well, Sam, how much? 485 00:22:26,953 --> 00:22:29,621 Ah, well, this is kind of sudden. 486 00:22:29,621 --> 00:22:34,227 I guess, what, 20, 30 people come through the doors every night... 487 00:22:34,227 --> 00:22:35,996 $1 million seems fair to me. 488 00:22:35,996 --> 00:22:37,431 You've got it. 489 00:22:37,431 --> 00:22:39,901 Hey, Sammy, I think you're forgetting the jukebox. 490 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,535 He's right. I'm sorry. $2 million. 491 00:22:44,006 --> 00:22:47,543 I think you're taking advantage of me, Sam. 492 00:22:50,146 --> 00:22:51,447 Hey, look at me, everybody. 493 00:22:51,447 --> 00:22:55,152 Scratch a bartender, find a millionaire. 494 00:22:55,152 --> 00:22:56,921 This is not funny anymore. 495 00:22:56,921 --> 00:22:58,556 I was right about him from the start. 496 00:22:58,556 --> 00:22:59,958 He's a sick, sick man 497 00:22:59,958 --> 00:23:01,693 with a very warped sense of humor. 498 00:23:01,693 --> 00:23:02,694 He doesn't care who he hurts. 499 00:23:02,694 --> 00:23:03,729 I won't take it anymore. 500 00:23:03,729 --> 00:23:05,198 He's a pathological liar. 501 00:23:05,198 --> 00:23:06,365 Diane. 502 00:23:09,603 --> 00:23:11,705 Excuse me, Mr. Hilliard. 503 00:23:11,705 --> 00:23:15,043 Oh, my... God. 504 00:23:15,043 --> 00:23:16,744 I just wanted to let you know 505 00:23:16,744 --> 00:23:18,346 I'm here with the car. 506 00:23:18,346 --> 00:23:20,182 Thank you, Robert. I'm ready to go. 507 00:23:22,919 --> 00:23:25,622 I'm sorry we couldn't do business, Sam. 508 00:23:25,622 --> 00:23:26,823 $1.5 million, 509 00:23:26,823 --> 00:23:30,494 and I'll throw in a blonde waitress. 510 00:23:30,494 --> 00:23:33,131 Those papers you've been waiting for have arrived from Geneva, sir. 511 00:23:33,131 --> 00:23:34,599 Hilliard: I'll sign them on the plane. 512 00:23:39,772 --> 00:23:41,908 [Indistinct chatter] 513 00:23:44,277 --> 00:23:48,115 Oh, Sam, will you ever be able to forgive me? 514 00:23:48,115 --> 00:23:50,185 Oh, come on. I'd never sell this place. 515 00:23:50,185 --> 00:23:51,386 Hey, I got the date. 516 00:23:53,121 --> 00:23:55,959 I've never felt so abused. 517 00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,127 I was wrong every step of the way. 518 00:23:58,127 --> 00:23:59,595 I thought he was lying when he was telling the truth 519 00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:03,733 and that he was telling the truth when he was lying. 520 00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:04,901 From now on, I will not believe 521 00:24:04,901 --> 00:24:07,205 anything anybody says on any subject. 522 00:24:07,205 --> 00:24:09,607 Oh, come on. You don't mean that. Are you serious? 523 00:24:09,607 --> 00:24:11,510 You bet I am. 524 00:24:11,510 --> 00:24:14,646 You know, I think I'm falling in love with you. 525 00:24:14,646 --> 00:24:15,982 Really?