AND COACHIE MAKES THREE
Cliffie, don't look now, but there are two chicks at the end of the bar staring at us.
You're crazy.
They been staring for 20 minutes. Do we look weird?
- You do. - Why?
Cos you're talking out of the side of your mouth.
They can't take their eyes off us.
There's only one way to be sure. Toodle down the end of the bar
and see if their eyes follow us.
So are they looking?
I'd say those supple young petunias definitely want us.
- So what do we do now? - Just take a walk over there.
I will if you will.
On second thoughts, why don't we play it cooI?
- We let them come to us. - Those babes are really hot for us.
- That's it, folks. Closing time. - Here they come, moving in for the kill.
Excuse me.
My friend and I were wondering if you knew a late-night spot to go to.
Some place a little fun.
What was that?
These guys are Martians.
- Come on. They're nerds. - Their loss.
Well, they've gone now. You can turn off the charm.
You were a reaI smoothy yourself.
Listen to Cary Grant. That was humiliating.
What difference does it make?
They weren't that good-looking anyway.
Absolutely. We almost took the midnight train to Bow-Wow City.
You're right. I've seen better legs on a pooI table.
You could use that chest for a straightedge.
- Put a bag over your head. - Or a gunny sack. It'll cover more.
Great eats, Diane. Thanks.
Did you enjoy your rognons de veau aux chanterelles?
Was that the green stuff?
No. That was the brown stuff.
Good. That green stuff kind of repeats on you.
- I'm dreadfully sorry. - Quite all right.
Well, I am gonna check some scores out on the tube here, I think.
You know, I went to a lot of trouble with this meaI.
So did I.
I'm joking. It was wonderfuI. Thank you very much.
It's a pleasure to cook for a gourmand.
- Sam, what's happening to us? - Are you repeating too?
A little, but that's not what I'm talking about.
We're becoming humdrum. Routine.
I tell you what. After my meaI settles here, I'll attack you.
Well, you may be in the mood earlier than you think.
Make yourself comfortable. I'll take care of something in the other room.
- Who's there? - Me. Who's there?
- Coach? - No, I'm Coach.
- What are you doing here, Coach? - At least we got that straight.
We almost had the most incredible disaster. Look at this TV guide.
"Thunder Road".
Mitchum. We haven't missed a Mitchum movie together in over 12 years.
- We don't wanna miss the beginning. - Mitchum won't start without us.
- We're gonna need munchies. - Diane's got some.
While you're up, turn down the lights. There's a terrible glare on the screen.
Take me, you barbarian.
You're gonna miss "Thunder Road".
- What happened? - Nothing yet. They're going up the road.
No, with Diane. Hey, Diane, you all right?
What is Coach doing here?
He's watching "Thunder Road". We always watch Mitchum movies together.
It's a bad time right now.
I know, but it's a tradition that goes back with us for years.
He's our favourite actor. Never do we miss his movies.
I came out of the bedroom and I was so embarrassed with how I was dressed.
Come in here. I'll show you what I mean. Come on.
Coach, scram. Out.
What?
- What's wrong? - Sam.
- A little tact. - I'm sorry. Coach, listen.
What?
Diane and I had this speciaI evening going here.
She just fixed me a meaI with all my favourite colours.
Changed into something frilly.
And I come barging in. I wasn't even thinking.
Diane, forgive me. I never wanted to get in your way.
Thank you for understanding.
When you live alone, you forget other people have lives.
- Are you feeling what I'm feeling? - Yeah. Poor Coach.
We have so many hours together,
I guess it's kind of selfish not to spend a little time with him.
- You're right. I'll get him. - Bet you can catch him on the steps.
- Why are you standing there? - My coat got caught in the door.
I didn't have the heart to bother you again. Good night.
No, Coach, come here. Listen.
You are gonna watch "Thunder Road" with us. Sit down.
- You mean it? - You bet. Come on over.
I've never seen it. Tell me what's happened.
I know every line in this picture. Here's my favourite part.
When I'm in charge of the bar, I know what God feels like.
- How's that? - I'm in controI of people's destinies.
I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick.
Or I can water them down so they pay for nothing.
Or if I don't like their attitudes, I can spit in it.
You're not still upset about that argument we had the other day?
You tell me.
I'm sorry about this morning when I called you a sawed-off witch.
I'm Sam Malone. Maybe you remember me before we became a threesome.
Yes, I recognise you now.
- You shaved off your Pantusso. - That's it.
- I know. - I can't take it any more.
- We never go anyplace without Coach. - I don't invite him. He just shows up.
- What are we gonna do? - Right now, we're gonna sit in my office.
We're gonna look into each other's eyes, all alone.
That sounds so wonderfuI.
Where have you been?
Coach, I'm sorry. I overslept. We were up late last night watching...
- "Mothra Versus Godzilla". - Was I disappointed in that.
We've got to draw the line. No way can we spend the evening with Coach.
You're absolutely right.
Are we gonna get together tonight?
- You bet. - Great.
All right. There's only one solution to this problem.
We have to tell the Coach to stop hanging around with us.
Diane's right. Tell Coach you don't want him around. That's the honest approach.
Or to make it easier on Coach, rip out his heart and do a tap-dance on it.
- I got it here. - What?
Make him think you got a bad disease.
Get reaI skinny, and you paint your faces white and pasty.
Walk around looking like you're gonna throw up.
You'd better hurry up. Diane's got a head start.
Coach likes you guys. Take him off our hands for tonight, please.
We don't want Coach getting in the way when we're hustling chicks.
Sorry I asked.
It's against my beliefs to help things go smoothly with the squawk box there,
but since Coach is involved, I'm gonna bend the rules.
I know he has a crush on a teller at his bank.
- Are you sure? - He talks about her a lot.
I don't know her name, but she could take him off your hands.
That's good. What do you say? It's worth a try.
I think Coach would be embarrassed by a blind date.
We'll pretend she's my friend and it'II look like a chance meeting.
Coach, maybe you can help me out here.
- I want a new bank. You like yours? - I love it. Bay Harbor Savings and Loan.
- Do you like the tellers? - They're terrific.
Is there one I should talk to? Friendly, nice, cute?
Frank.
Who's the one you always talk to?
Redhead with a nice smile who always winks?
- Yeah. - That's Frank.
Isn't there a woman that you like at the bank there?
Edwina.
Edwina at Bay Harbor Savings and Loan?
- She's a friend of mine. - Then you should know Frank.
They're married.
No. Who's the one you said was a nice lady last Thursday?
- Thursday. Stella. - Stella. That's my friend.
No, not Stella. I'm not too crazy about Stella.
- I meant Dorothy. - Yes, so did I.
- Dorothy is the one you like, right? - She's very nice.
Excuse me.
But not as nice as Julia.
That's the grocery store. At the bank, nobody beats Sandra.
Sandra. That's my friend.
- What is it? - Not Sandra, it's Anita.
I'll take this.
- Wrong girI, Coach? - No. Wrong bank.
Well, Katherine, didn't you love that meaI?
It was very nice.
I'm glad we had Coach along.
An Italian knows what to order in an Italian restaurant.
It was wonderfuI. What was that dish called?
Spaghetti for four. They've got a better one, though, spaghetti for six,
but you need more people.
I'll make coffee. Make yourselves at home.
There you go.
You know something? I can't get over the fact Diane knew Katherine,
my favourite teller at First Fidelity.
Well, it's a small world, I guess, Coach.
And she seems to know everybody in every bank I've dealt with.
You know how friendly she is.
How did you and Katherine come to meet?
- The loan desk. - The drop...
That's all right, honey. Sometimes I forget things too. Or do I?
Coach, you tickle me. Are you always this funny?
I doubt it.
So, Katherine, what's new and exciting in the world of high finance?
Nothing that I know of. My most exciting moment
is catching someone playing with their lips on closed circuit TV.
I knew you looked familiar.
Hang on a moment.
Well, I think banking is fascinating.
There are so many facets. So many things I've wondered about.
- Me too, you know? - Like what?
Tellers never tell you anything. They always ask questions.
There's nothing interesting about interest. It's boring.
The trust department have pens chained to tables. What kind of trust is that?
- There he goes again. You're too much. - A little giddy, but nice.
Look at the time. I've got to get up at the crack of dawn.
What a wonderfuI evening. I'll take a rain check on coffee.
It is getting kinda late. Can I see you get home OK?
Thanks. I'd like that. Good night, Diane. Thank you.
- Good night, Sam. - Good night.
- Good night. We'll do it again. - Absolutely.
This shows that sticky situations are best handled with lies and trickery.
And now for a little romance.
A little hug.
A little kiss.
- A little Coach. - Excuse me.
I thought you were gonna show Katherine home.
I showed her where the bus stop is.
You probably didn't notice, but she had the hots for me.
What's wrong with that?
She's nice, but she doesn't fit in with us. Like a fourth wheeI. I need cookies.
- What do we do now? - It's time to tell the truth.
- Good. - I'll handle this.
- Coach, get out here. - Want one?
No. Listen.
I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't care if it hurts your feelings.
What is it?
Diane doesn't want you hanging around us any more.
What? That's not true. Sam doesn't want you around. I love having you around.
I love having him around more than you. I'd rather have him around than you.
- Well, fine. - Don't sneak around me like this.
All right. Please stop. Kids, hold on, please.
I'm beginning to see the light here.
- You don't have the guts to tell me. - I do, Diane doesn't.
What is it? Say it.
Come on. Say it.
When you were a drunk and nobody told you, I told you, didn't I?
- Over and over again. - You really were a drunk.
I know.
- I mean, you were really a drunk. - Don't start again.
Is our friendship so weak that we can't come out tell each other the truth?
You're right.
We just don't want you hanging around us so much.
If you don't want me, it's fine. I'm not mad.
It's fine. I'll see you.
But you really were a drunk.
- Morning, Norm. - Where the heck have you been?
- Is my watch fast? - Sorry. We had a difficult evening.
We had to tell Coach we didn't want to see him any more.
It was terrible. Worse than we feared.
We spent half the night arguing about who was to blame.
- Morning, everybody. - How are you today, Norman?
As if you cared.
Coach didn't take well to getting the old heave-ho.
He was destroyed. He tried to cover,
but there was no masking the pain Sam inflicted on his deepest being.
Don't start again. You did most of the talking.
What difference does it make who did it? The point is Coach has been crushed.
We have to live with that.
Especially you.
- It was your idea. You insisted. - That's the most...
Listen. I wanna know which one of you two kids
got the idea to throw me out last night.
Come on. I wanna know right now.
Come on. What difference does it make whose fault it was?
It's done. We both have to share the blame.
Yes, the important thing is that we showed you our feelings.
- Honesty was our only recourse. - Absolutely. It was a mutuaI decision.
Whoever it was, I wanna thank them from the bottom of my heart.
Because I caught up with Katherine at the bus stop
and I took her home, got to know her and she's the most wonderfuI woman.
I haven't been this happy in years.
That's wonderfuI. You don't know how happy we are.
And the fact that we had anything to do with it makes this feeI even better.
Absolutely. Just think of it as the two of us being able to do something for you.
Say, Normie, aren't they a wonderfuI couple?
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