Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How does a beer sound, norm?
I don't know, coach.
I usually finish them before they get a word in.
Hey, uh, norm. Aren't you a little dressed up
just to come here and suck on taps all night?
Cliffie, if you must know,
I have other plans for this evening.
I have a date.
Oooohhh!
A date! Who is it?
I don't know. It's a blind date.
Uh, uh dangerous. Dangerous.
Walking into a minefield there, boy.
No. No. No. A friend of mine set us up.
He assures me the woman's perfect for me.
That's what they all say.
Uh, let me guess... Said she had good table manners,
great personality, and excellent posture, right?
Sure, they always make it sound good.
As a matter of fact,
cliffie, he told me that she was easy on the eyes.
You're a dead man, norm.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
Whoa, whoa.
Where do you want it?
Want what?
Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a second. I didn't order that.
Cheers, right?
Yeah.
Coach, did you buy this?
No, not me, Sam.
You got your name here on the invoice.
It's got to be some kind of mistake.
Why would I buy a crate?
It's an antique scale, coach.
Oh, yeah. I bought the scale, Sam.
But gee, now that I look at it, I'm kind of disappointed.
Mister, we're in a hurry. Can you sign it?
Yeah. Yeah... Coach, why did you do this?
I've told you a hundred times...
Please, don't buy anything for the bar without checking with me first.
Gee, I'm sorry, Sam.
That salesman... I just couldn't resist him.
I mean, he had a way about him.
One of those fast talkers?
No. No. No. No. Was a big tall skinny guy, you know, with a beard...
Reminded me of somebody in history...
A president...
That guy who freed the slaves.
Abraham Lincoln?
That's it. Only this guy, he wasn't nice at all.
As a matter of fact, he was kind of mean.
He reminded me
of that little guy in Germany with the mustache.
World war ii.
Adolf Hitler?
Don't play trivia with this guy.
Coach, you mean this guy was a cross
between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler?
Normie, I don't know.
I just want to tell you, he was strange, normie.
He was all dressed in black,
and his eyes shined like coals.
And he had this deep voice, and he said to me,
"zis scale vill not only tell you your veight,
but it will tell you your destiny!"
He had an accent.
No.
Then why did you say it like
"your veight" and "your destiny?"
Just a little color, Carla.
Well, whatever. I'm calling this it.
Oh, Sam. Isn't you curiosity peeked?
I'd like to see what it looks like.
Yeah. And that destiny thing must mean it's
one of those scales that tells your fortunes.
Oh, all right, go on. Open it.
Oh, goody.
But I'm still sending it back.
Coach, give Norman a screwdriver please.
Hey, whoa. Diane, I got a big date here.
I don't want to get pits.
Oh, come on, it won't be that hard.
It's all right, norm.
We'll stop you before your shoes get squishy.
Well, now, let me give you an opening hint
from a guy who's opened a lot of these rascals, here.
If you smack this baby right about here, I think, normie.
It'll open up like a big walnut.
That's the epicenter of the fulcrum, as I remember.
You better step back, here, Diane. This thing will sheer your kneecaps right off.
Cliffie!
Cliff, are you all right?
I can't find my shoes, Clyde.
I think the dog got them.
Come back here. Here we go.
There you go.
Let's get her out.
Whoooo!
Whoa! Ain't that nice?
Sam, I like it. Can we keep it? Can we keep it?
Well I'm afraid we're going to have to.
The number's been disconnected and there's no new number.
The guy's obviously a con man, coach.
I knew it. I knew he was a conman the minute I laid eyes on him.
Well, as a collector of antiques I think the
scale might someday be worth what you paid for it.
Or a fraction thereof.
Sam, that salesman also said...
He said, "zis scale is not being made anymore,
and zis one was in a zeller for over 40 years."
Coach, you shouldn't have bought it.
Well, this has been fun, but I got to get going on my blind date.
Normie. Normie. Listen.
Get on the scale. Weigh yourself. See how you're gonna make out tonight.
Oh, come on, it certainly doesn't have any fortunes left
after all these years.
[Coin jingles]
[Bell rings]
Do you ever get tired of being wrong?
Says "your most troublesome problem will soon be solved."
Hey, norm. Sounds like you're gonna get a trim on the old antlers tonight.
Norm, what's your most troulbesome problem?
Well, that's tough to say, coach.
Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed,
separated, depressed, starting to drink too much.
I guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.
Ok, I'm going next.
No way. Men in uniform first, Carla.
Get outta here.
Sam, Sam, see? They love it!
I mean, this thing's gonna be bigger than
that amusement park in California.
Uh, the one with the mouse and the duck...
Disneyland.
You're tough, Sam, but I'm gonna get you.
[Bell rings]
"Sanderson florists."
What's the occasion there, Sam?
It's for Diane.
Did she die?
Of course not.
Is she dying?
Is she suffering in any way?
Throw me a bone.
No. She's just going to be mad
because I didn't take her to some stupid art show last night.
Flowers is the only way to calm her down.
Hi, Sanderson florist?
Ah, there's my guy.
Give me a big smoocharoo.
You're not mad about last night?
Oh, of course not. I just missed you so, you big lug.
Keep up the good work.
Afternoon, everybody.
Hey norm! Norm! Norm!
What's up, normie?
The corners of my mouth, coach.
Oh! Sounds like that blind date paid off, huh?
Yeah, well, turns out my buddy played a little trick on me.
Guess who the date turns out to be?
My ex, Vera.
Whoa!
Are you ready for the punch line?
We're back together again.
Oh, Norman, that's wonderful.
I feel so good about it,
I'd like to set up the entire bar.
But, since that's financially impossible,
I'll just settle for buying my buddy cliff here, a drink.
Oohh! Oohh! Oohh!
Oh, thank you, norm.
Chivas on the rocks, coach.
Mmm... mmm... mmm.
What, 12-year-old scotch?
I was thinkin' more a like a beer, you know.
Oh, come on, norm, this is great news.
You got Vera back.
Yeah, Vera, not nastasia kinsky.
Vera.
Uh, beer, coach.
Normie, normie. Tell me, what's it like to go out on a blind
date, and then you find out it's your own wife?
We were both kind of nervous at first.
Then we split some clams casino,
a little chateaubriand...
A bottle of her favorite wine... Next thing you know
we went back to what used to be our place,
and, uh, we kind of made love.
Wait. Wait. You can't kind of make love, norm.
You don't know Vera.
Oh, my god!
What? What?
It's happening! It's happening!
Sam, she's losing what's left of her gray matter.
And I don't mean your underwear, Carla.
Come here. Come here. Come on. What's wrong? What's wrong?
It's his fortune.
The machine said that norm's worst problem was gonna be solved.
And he's back with Vera!
Carla, that was entirely fortuitous.
You're absolutely right, Diane.
My little card said that I'd be hearing from a distant loved
one. Sure enough, not a half hour later,
my daughter in Pennsylvania calls me.
Ooohhhh!
Ah, nah-nah-nah-nah.
That doesn't count, coach.
She always calls you.
Yeah, Pennsylvania's not that distant there, coach.
No. No. No, cliffie. She called me from California.
She's on vacation there.
Ooohhhh!
It had nothing to do with your fortune, coach.
And neither did what happened to Norman.
Oh, yeah?
Well, then, how about this?
My fortune said "time waits for no one."
So last night, I get home late,
and my kids had started a grease fire cooking their own dinner.
Now, explain that.
Easy.
You're an idiot.
Carla: Look!
There are things
that you eggheads can't explain away in this world.
Listen, nothing and nobody controls what happens to us.
Wait a minute, Sam, you had a lucky piece when you pitched out there huh?
Yeah, well a lot of good it did me.
Listen, cliff. The only battles I ever won in life, I won on my own.
Sam, that was brilliantly put.
Well actually, you said that to me just a few days ago.
Yes, I know, but you remembered it
and you used it in the proper context.
Yeah. Yeah. They should carve his face on a mountain.
Look, Sammy. You've been hanging around with Diane her for so long,
you can't see the facts in front of your nose.
This machine has powers.
I guess I should get right on then
and see what the future holds for miss Diane chambers.
Don't joke about this.
Pffpht pffpht pffpht!
What on earth are you doing?
I'm warding off the evil spirits.
And if you weren't so stupid, you'd be doing the same thing.
Pffpht pffpht pffpht!
Preposterous.
[Bell rings]
What's the card say, Diane?
What difference does it make? It's a joke.
"Deception in romance proves costly."
There, see? Now you all know how Diane feels about honesty.
Yeah, she likes it.
Yeah. Yeah. Honest as the day is long.
Absolutely.
Now can we all go back to work, please?
Good idea.
Pffpht pffpht pffpht!
[Bell rings]
Pfffpht pffpht pffpht!
Ooowww! Ooww! Ooww!
Cliffie!
Cliffie, you all right?
Uh, that's $20 postage due, sir.
And, uh, how are we today?
Cliff, you're at cheers.
Cheers. Yes, sir. I know where that is.
Wait. Yo, cliff, cliff!
Oh, normie!
Yeah. You all right?
Yeah. Oh! Yeah, I think I just bruised my knee.
I hope I'll be able to do my postal route tomorrow.
You want to get an X-ray or something?
No. I'll just check it out here.
Let's see...
Grrrr, ggggrrrr!
Yeah, I'm fine.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Cliff.
You got a fortune from that machine yesterday, right?
What was it?
Uh, what was it?
Cliff, did it say anything about slipping,
falling down stairs or anything like that?
I remember... It was, uh, "talk to bigwigs."
Oohhh!
What oohhh?
I don't know... Yet.
But there must be a connection.
I don't think your in the ballpark on this one, Carla.
Oh, wait. Wait! I got it!
Bigwig, right?
Who is the biggest bigwig of them all?
Sinatra!
No. Even bigger.
Ronald Reagan.
No. No. No. Bigger. Bigger.
Sinatra!
I don't know. If you ask me who really runs this country,
I think it's the big oil companies... Like uh, who run's texaco?
Well at my station it's, uh, Dave and his son herbie.
Mahmood does the windows.
Yeah, well you can't get much bigger than herbie, Dave and mahmood, huh?
I am talking about god. God is the biggest wig of them all.
Cliff, did you pray
before you left the house this morning?
No.
There you go.
If you had prayed,
none of this would've happened.
Oh, come on.
If you guys are going to stretch things this far,
then you could make anything out of those fortunes.
Hey, I hope there's nothing to this because mine was bad.
What was it?
It said, "your valuables are in jeopardy", or something like that.
I'll show it to you. It's in my wallet.
Somebody lifted my wallet.
Aah!
Carla, will you please take it easy?
He'll owe you the tip.
[Hum theme from twilight zone]
Well, uh, how do you explain that, there, Sammy?
I found it. Here it is.
What do you say about that now, Carla.
It makes no difference.
The machine's been right up until now.
I say it's evil, evil, evil!
It heard me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, scale.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
Carla. Carla. Get up off the ground. Stop it!
Everybody is looking at you, come on, Carla.
Pffpht pffpht pffpht!
Listen, I don't want to hear any more about this.
This scale is not magic.
You can't take it seriously.
And I'll tell you something, it's a sad world we live in
when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.
Right! Right!
What am I talking for? Come here... Diane's the one who talks good.
Come on. Come on. Tell'em.
Tell them how dumb they're being. Come on sweetheart.
You're being dumb.
Had enough, huh?
Well, I guess I better get one more,
just to make sure it's safe to go home.
[Bell rings]
I can't look.
Sam, would read it for me?
But don't read it if it's terrible!
No, this is ok.
"You will grow lips on your forehead."
Very funny, very funny.
Ah, it's ok... Well, see you tomorrow.
Goodnight, Carla.
Keep it up! Keep it up! You'll pay.
Safe trip home. Bye-bye.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, coach.
What are you doing?
I just want to see if I gained any weight, lately.
You didn't. Now get off of there.
What's wrong? You know, you've been acting strange all day.
I've been acting fine. Come on, now, let's go home.
Well, let me just get my weight first.
Sam don't!
Will you please tell me what's going on.
You're coming unglued, here.
Ohh.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
That scale has me spooked.
You're kidding me. You're the last person
I expect to fall for that voodoo stuff.
Do you remember that fortune I got today?
No.
"Deception in romance proves costly."
So?
I took another man to that show last night.
You mean, like a guy?
At least pay attention.
He's a classmate of mine, a male classmate.
Well, so you took some pimply, bookface, wimp from school. Big deal.
His complexion is almost as clear as mine and we had a wonderful time.
At the performance?
Yes.
Well, of course, he took me home.
Uh-huh.
And?
I invited him in.
We had coffee. He left. That was it.
Instant coffee or, uh...
Did you grind the beans?
It wasn't the same as it is with you. I didn't grind them fine.
You did grind the beans, huh?
All we did was talk.
You didn't kiss him?
Oh. I kissed him good night, but it was nothing.
It was barely on the lips, wayward to the side
up by the cheek. Very dry.
I have to be honest.
It was so good to talk to someone.
I miss talking about the things
I can't talk about with you.
I didn't want to tell you because
I knew you'd be angry.
I'm not angry.
Oh. Of course you're angry.
No, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, I'm, uh...
I'm kind of grateful.
I think I see our relationship in a new light, here.
The truth is, I don't fulfill all your needs,
and you don't fulfill all of mine,
so maybe we should call it quits.
What are you doing?
I have one innocent evening with a guy,
I come to you to make a clean breast of it,
and this is the reaction I get?
You're even less understanding
than I feared you'd be.
Ok, fine. That does it. I want out of this.
Out of what? I already broke it off.
No, no, you said maybe we should call it quits.
I'm saying it's definitely over.
Hey, I don't care what I said.
In my mind, it was definite.
That ship has sailed, baby.
Our relationship is through.
No, no. We're not through
unless I say we're through.
We're through.
Now we're through.
I'm not gonna have an argument
about who broke up with who first
with somebody I broke up with first.
As a matter of fact, I'm not even going to acknowledge your presence.
Is anybody here?
Somebody I used to go with?
Oh, no, it's just Diane. Silly me.
Don't do this.
Too late, sweetheart. It's already done.
Sam, please.
Please don't joke about this.
I'm scared.
We can't break up
because a pile of metal Springs
said we were going to.
There's too much at stake here.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
Tell me you didn't break up with me.
Of course I didn't break up with you.
Then I'm first.
You are history.
Wait. Hey, that was a rotten...
Now, I know why I broke up with you
a long time ago... Long, long before you broke up with me.
Who was talking then?
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, it's just my employer.
[Bell rings]
Sam, we got a fortune.
So?
Aren't you going to read it?
No. What's the point?
Sam, our destiny may be in that card.
I know it. I can feel it.
You're crackers, you know that?
Then read it.
Ok, fine.
Are you sure we should do this?
We've got to... Might be no other way.
All right, ok.
"Machine empty. Order more fortunes today."