1
00:00:01,093 --> 00:00:04,096
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

2
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:10,401
Don't work too hard there, Diane.

3
00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:11,904
I don't mind.

4
00:00:13,155 --> 00:00:14,990
Our wedding day draws ever nearer,

5
00:00:15,491 --> 00:00:17,992
and all this conditioning
is simply preparation

6
00:00:17,993 --> 00:00:20,495
for that special moment.

7
00:00:20,496 --> 00:00:22,363
When you and I exchange rings,

8
00:00:22,364 --> 00:00:25,283
my hands must be pristine,

9
00:00:25,284 --> 00:00:28,169
because everyone's eyes
will be on my fingers.

10
00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:31,590
And everyone's fingers'll
be down their throats.

11
00:00:33,092 --> 00:00:34,959
Oh, Carla.

12
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,295
Sweet, pathetic Carla.

13
00:00:37,296 --> 00:00:40,798
Can't you see that I am
in far too good a mood

14
00:00:40,799 --> 00:00:44,052
to let your petty asides bother me?

15
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I'm afraid you'll just have to find

16
00:00:45,888 --> 00:00:48,773
some other way of... bugging me.

17
00:00:48,774 --> 00:00:50,893
If you insist.

18
00:01:02,071 --> 00:01:04,372
? Making your way in the world today?

19
00:01:04,373 --> 00:01:07,375
? Takes everything you've got?

20
00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:10,378
? Taking a break from all your worries?

21
00:01:10,379 --> 00:01:13,381
? Sure would help a lot?

22
00:01:13,382 --> 00:01:19,420
? Wouldn't you like to get away??

23
00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:21,422
? Sometimes you want to go?

24
00:01:21,423 --> 00:01:26,928
? Where everybody knows your name?

25
00:01:26,929 --> 00:01:31,432
? And they're always glad you came?

26
00:01:31,433 --> 00:01:33,935
? You want to be where you can see?

27
00:01:33,936 --> 00:01:36,437
? Our troubles are all the same?

28
00:01:36,438 --> 00:01:41,943
? You want to be where
everybody knows your name?

29
00:01:41,944 --> 00:01:44,445
? You want to go where people know?

30
00:01:44,446 --> 00:01:46,948
? People are all the same?

31
00:01:46,949 --> 00:01:51,954
? You want to go where
everybody knows your name.?

32
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Yes! Thank you for telling me.

33
00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:13,641
If you don't hear from me
in an hour, I'll be there.

34
00:02:13,642 --> 00:02:15,643
Okay, thank you.

35
00:02:15,644 --> 00:02:19,147
Oh, Sam, uh, may I speak
to you for a minute?

36
00:02:19,148 --> 00:02:21,650
Oh, it'd be a new record if you do.

37
00:02:22,651 --> 00:02:27,156
Um, that was a Buddhist
monastery called The Glade.

38
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I've been hoping to go on retreat there,

39
00:02:30,159 --> 00:02:31,159
and guess what?

40
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,160
They have a vacancy.

41
00:02:32,161 --> 00:02:33,161
Oh, great!

42
00:02:33,162 --> 00:02:34,662
Yeah, I heard all the monks went

43
00:02:34,663 --> 00:02:37,165
to Fort Lauderdale this year.

44
00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:40,168
No, Sam, it's not a resort.

45
00:02:40,169 --> 00:02:42,670
It's a contemplative retreat

46
00:02:42,671 --> 00:02:45,673
where people go as a means
of purifying their souls.

47
00:02:45,674 --> 00:02:47,676
For two weeks, you're
isolated from others

48
00:02:48,177 --> 00:02:50,178
to commune with yourself.

49
00:02:50,179 --> 00:02:52,680
You are provided with a small room.

50
00:02:52,681 --> 00:02:56,434
You're fed pure, toxin-free foods.

51
00:02:56,435 --> 00:02:57,768
Oh, oh, wait, wait.

52
00:02:57,769 --> 00:03:00,154
And...

53
00:03:00,155 --> 00:03:01,906
they have the biggest Buddha
east of the Mississippi.

54
00:03:01,907 --> 00:03:02,907
Ooh!

55
00:03:02,908 --> 00:03:04,408
Man!

56
00:03:04,409 --> 00:03:05,860
Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?

57
00:03:05,861 --> 00:03:07,361
Uh-huh.

58
00:03:07,362 --> 00:03:09,864
Well, it's not exactly Vegas,

59
00:03:09,865 --> 00:03:11,866
but, uh, all right, I'll give it a try.

60
00:03:11,867 --> 00:03:13,367
Wh-Wh-What should I bring?

61
00:03:13,368 --> 00:03:14,869
Oh...

62
00:03:14,870 --> 00:03:17,371
No, Sam...

63
00:03:17,372 --> 00:03:18,873
I'm going alone.

64
00:03:18,874 --> 00:03:21,375
Only in my solitude

65
00:03:21,376 --> 00:03:23,878
can I discover who we are.

66
00:03:23,879 --> 00:03:25,880
Oh, wait-wait a minute here.

67
00:03:25,881 --> 00:03:27,381
This isn't one of those weird cults

68
00:03:27,382 --> 00:03:28,883
where they-they mess with your head

69
00:03:28,884 --> 00:03:31,386
and you end up handing
out flowers at the airport.

70
00:03:32,387 --> 00:03:34,388
You will be coming back, won't you?

71
00:03:34,389 --> 00:03:38,393
No, I won't be coming back, but I will.

72
00:03:41,396 --> 00:03:44,900
I guess I just made up a
little Zen koan, didn't I?

73
00:03:47,903 --> 00:03:49,403
Let me explain.

74
00:03:49,404 --> 00:03:52,907
A koan is a... a paradox

75
00:03:52,908 --> 00:03:53,908
upon which one meditates

76
00:03:53,909 --> 00:03:55,910
in order to become more enlightened.

77
00:03:55,911 --> 00:03:57,411
Uh, well, for example,

78
00:03:57,412 --> 00:04:00,915
what was your face before
your parents were born?

79
00:04:00,916 --> 00:04:02,801
Easy. A ten.

80
00:04:03,969 --> 00:04:05,886
This is kind of fun. You got any more?

81
00:04:05,887 --> 00:04:08,389
Well, I'm off to The Glade.

82
00:04:08,390 --> 00:04:10,391
It is all right, isn't it?

83
00:04:10,392 --> 00:04:11,392
Yeah, yeah, what the heck?

84
00:04:11,393 --> 00:04:13,894
Why not? Sure, go ahead.

85
00:04:13,895 --> 00:04:16,397
Good-bye, my love.

86
00:04:16,398 --> 00:04:17,898
Bye-bye.

87
00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:19,268
Steal me an ashtray.

88
00:04:22,187 --> 00:04:23,688
Hey, hey, hey, is Diane taking

89
00:04:23,689 --> 00:04:25,189
the day off again?

90
00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:27,191
No.

91
00:04:27,192 --> 00:04:28,109
Good.

92
00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:29,610
She's taking two weeks off.

93
00:04:29,611 --> 00:04:31,612
No, Sammy, that's not fair!

94
00:04:31,613 --> 00:04:33,114
Come on, she's always takin' off

95
00:04:33,115 --> 00:04:35,116
for one stupid reason or another.

96
00:04:35,117 --> 00:04:36,868
Can't we just kill her?

97
00:04:37,753 --> 00:04:39,620
Sh-She's my fiancée, Carla.

98
00:04:39,621 --> 00:04:40,788
Is that a yes?

99
00:04:40,789 --> 00:04:42,007
No, it's not.

100
00:04:43,258 --> 00:04:45,259
Hey, hey, everybody.

101
00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:47,261
Hey, Cliffie.

102
00:04:47,262 --> 00:04:48,763
What's with your leg?

103
00:04:48,764 --> 00:04:50,766
Eh, I'd rather not talk about it.

104
00:04:53,635 --> 00:04:55,136
Got bitten by a dog.

105
00:04:55,137 --> 00:04:56,638
Ten stitches to close the wound.

106
00:04:58,523 --> 00:04:59,940
I tell you, these unleashed animals

107
00:04:59,941 --> 00:05:01,942
are a menace to postal workers.

108
00:05:01,943 --> 00:05:03,311
Well, you're going to sue, aren't you?

109
00:05:03,312 --> 00:05:04,312
Well...

110
00:05:04,313 --> 00:05:05,313
Now, I may be wrong, Carla,

111
00:05:05,314 --> 00:05:06,474
but I don't think you can sue

112
00:05:06,815 --> 00:05:08,817
members of the animal kingdom.

113
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,322
I'm talking about the
owners, Nellie Belle.

114
00:05:14,323 --> 00:05:16,207
No, there-there's
no need to sue.

115
00:05:16,208 --> 00:05:20,044
I left a, uh, strongly
worded note in their mailbox.

116
00:05:20,045 --> 00:05:21,045
Well, that's too bad, Cliff.

117
00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:23,047
I know a lawyer who would
take it on a contingency basis.

118
00:05:23,048 --> 00:05:24,048
It wouldn't cost you a dime,

119
00:05:24,049 --> 00:05:25,916
and you might end up
with a sizable settlement.

120
00:05:25,917 --> 00:05:27,917
All right, if it'll get
you off my back. All right.

121
00:05:34,509 --> 00:05:36,510
Cheers.

122
00:05:36,511 --> 00:05:39,513
Yeah, oh, just a minute, please.

123
00:05:39,514 --> 00:05:41,515
Mr. Clavin, for you.

124
00:05:41,516 --> 00:05:42,516
Uh, take a message.

125
00:05:42,517 --> 00:05:44,018
I'll call 'em back, Wood.

126
00:05:44,019 --> 00:05:46,020
Yeah, can he get back to you?

127
00:05:46,021 --> 00:05:47,405
Oh, yes, ma'am.

128
00:05:47,406 --> 00:05:49,240
She wants to know how your leg is.

129
00:05:49,241 --> 00:05:53,160
Eh? Eh? See? The mutt's
owner tracked me down.

130
00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,162
Well, tell her that she can deep-six

131
00:05:55,163 --> 00:05:56,664
that phony concern of hers.

132
00:05:56,665 --> 00:05:58,666
It doesn't cut it with me.

133
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:01,168
You can deep-six your phony concern.

134
00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:02,537
It doesn't cut it with him.

135
00:06:03,789 --> 00:06:06,791
Tell her my leg and I
will see her in court.

136
00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:09,293
His leg and him will see you in court.

137
00:06:09,294 --> 00:06:12,797
Oh, okay, I'll tell him.

138
00:06:12,798 --> 00:06:15,300
Uh, your mom wants you to
be home by 6:00 for dinner.

139
00:06:17,302 --> 00:06:20,304
Woody, Woody, why didn't
you tell me it was my mother?

140
00:06:20,305 --> 00:06:21,806
I just did.

141
00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:23,307
No, I mean before.

142
00:06:23,308 --> 00:06:25,810
Well, I didn't know it was
her till I picked up the phone.

143
00:06:25,811 --> 00:06:27,813
No, Woody...

144
00:06:29,197 --> 00:06:31,065
When you were talkin' to her,

145
00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:33,067
why didn't you say it was her?

146
00:06:33,068 --> 00:06:34,453
She already knew that.

147
00:06:36,655 --> 00:06:37,988
Uh, I'd leave it alone, Cliff.

148
00:06:37,989 --> 00:06:39,991
I think it's one of
those Zen koan things.

149
00:06:47,999 --> 00:06:50,384
Eh, buono sera, mi amigos.

150
00:06:50,385 --> 00:06:52,253
Hey, Cliffie, how's your leg?

151
00:06:52,254 --> 00:06:54,255
Oh, stiffening up there, Sammy.

152
00:06:54,256 --> 00:06:55,256
Uh, the muscle's all cramped,

153
00:06:55,257 --> 00:06:57,758
and I think the, uh, wound's
getting a little infected.

154
00:06:57,759 --> 00:06:59,760
And the mental anguish
that goes along with this...

155
00:06:59,761 --> 00:07:02,263
You know, you just... you
just can't put a price on this.

156
00:07:02,264 --> 00:07:03,265
Well, let me guess here.

157
00:07:03,765 --> 00:07:05,266
You've seen an attorney.

158
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:07,269
Yep. Yeah, yeah, the guy
said that, uh, you know,

159
00:07:07,769 --> 00:07:10,187
97% of all these canine attack cases...

160
00:07:10,188 --> 00:07:12,274
decided in favor of the postman.

161
00:07:12,774 --> 00:07:13,814
Well, good for you, Cliff.

162
00:07:14,276 --> 00:07:16,777
You deserve to get a little
satisfaction out of this.

163
00:07:16,778 --> 00:07:18,779
Yeah, yeah, about, uh,
200,000 clams worth.

164
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:19,780
Two hundred thousand?!

165
00:07:19,781 --> 00:07:22,284
Dinner is on Cliff, all right?

166
00:07:22,784 --> 00:07:24,285
Huh, what do you say, buddy?

167
00:07:24,286 --> 00:07:26,036
I'll go upstairs, snag us a table,

168
00:07:26,037 --> 00:07:26,954
check out the specials.

169
00:07:26,955 --> 00:07:28,457
I'll be right back.

170
00:07:28,957 --> 00:07:29,957
Eh, eh?

171
00:07:29,958 --> 00:07:32,460
Hey, maybe I could sue
somebody about my broken thumb.

172
00:07:32,461 --> 00:07:34,462
I mean, after all, I
did slip on the ice.

173
00:07:34,463 --> 00:07:35,963
Well, maybe so. Where'd it happen?

174
00:07:35,964 --> 00:07:37,465
Right outside the bar here.

175
00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:38,850
No, you don't have a case.

176
00:07:39,768 --> 00:07:41,268
Hey, Cliff? Huh?

177
00:07:41,269 --> 00:07:43,270
Have you ever thought
that you might be suing

178
00:07:43,271 --> 00:07:45,773
some poor, sweet, little old lady?

179
00:07:45,774 --> 00:07:48,275
Hey, listen, uh, sharpie,
who she is is irrelevant.

180
00:07:48,276 --> 00:07:50,778
It's the letter of the law
that's been violated here,

181
00:07:50,779 --> 00:07:52,780
and I just can't wait
to get her into court

182
00:07:52,781 --> 00:07:55,784
and tear her to pieces
with my verbal gymnastics.

183
00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:02,790
Um...

184
00:08:02,791 --> 00:08:04,792
I'm looking

185
00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:06,794
for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.

186
00:08:06,795 --> 00:08:07,796
Yep.

187
00:08:09,798 --> 00:08:12,299
You left this note in my mailbox.

188
00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:15,303
I'm afraid it was my dog that bit you.

189
00:08:16,304 --> 00:08:17,806
Uh...

190
00:08:19,307 --> 00:08:21,308
Uh...

191
00:08:21,309 --> 00:08:23,310
Excuse me.

192
00:08:23,311 --> 00:08:25,313
Cliffie, wh-what are you trying to say?

193
00:08:28,817 --> 00:08:32,820
Yes, sh-she is very attractive.

194
00:08:32,821 --> 00:08:36,824
Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly
sorry about what happened.

195
00:08:36,825 --> 00:08:39,327
Uh, how is your leg?

196
00:08:41,329 --> 00:08:43,330
Cliffie, we're in luck.

197
00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:47,835
The special is filet of...
filet... filet... filet...

198
00:08:47,836 --> 00:08:51,839
Great. Stereo.

199
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,340
Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys,

200
00:08:53,341 --> 00:08:54,842
hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

201
00:08:54,843 --> 00:08:56,343
Sit down, sit down.

202
00:08:56,344 --> 00:08:57,845
Come on, come on, come on.

203
00:08:57,846 --> 00:08:59,847
Can I, uh... can I...

204
00:08:59,848 --> 00:09:01,849
can I offer you a-a drink, Miss...?

205
00:09:01,850 --> 00:09:03,851
Keith. Madeline Keith.

206
00:09:03,852 --> 00:09:05,853
A white wine would be lovely, thank you.

207
00:09:05,854 --> 00:09:08,355
Coming right up.

208
00:09:08,356 --> 00:09:11,859
Look, um... I don't
have very much money,

209
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:15,363
but I'd like to help
with the doctor bills.

210
00:09:16,364 --> 00:09:17,364
That's good.

211
00:09:17,365 --> 00:09:19,366
That's good.

212
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:23,371
Anything to ease the burden
on you and your family.

213
00:09:25,373 --> 00:09:26,373
You're not married.

214
00:09:26,374 --> 00:09:28,376
You're not married.

215
00:09:29,377 --> 00:09:31,879
Oh, oh, I mean, I'm not married.

216
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,881
But I could be if I
wanted to, right, Sam?

217
00:09:33,882 --> 00:09:34,882
Sure, Cliff.

218
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:36,884
Well...

219
00:09:36,885 --> 00:09:39,887
I can't imagine a man
like you living alone.

220
00:09:39,888 --> 00:09:41,889
Uh, uh, I don't live alone.

221
00:09:41,890 --> 00:09:43,891
I live with my... mother.

222
00:09:43,892 --> 00:09:45,392
Oh?

223
00:09:45,393 --> 00:09:47,895
Yeah, well, it's, you
know, not that I have to.

224
00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:49,897
It's we're related.

225
00:09:49,898 --> 00:09:52,399
Uh, well, you know, don't get me wrong.

226
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,400
I mean, I like her. Uh...

227
00:09:53,401 --> 00:09:55,402
No, I think it's wonderful

228
00:09:55,403 --> 00:09:58,907
that you're taking care of
your mother in her old age.

229
00:10:00,909 --> 00:10:03,911
Oh, uh... couldn't throw her
out in the street, I guess, huh?

230
00:10:03,912 --> 00:10:06,414
Hey, I mean, who-who'd make my lunch?

231
00:10:11,419 --> 00:10:14,421
Oh, Mr. Clavin...

232
00:10:14,422 --> 00:10:17,424
You know... it's too bad

233
00:10:17,425 --> 00:10:19,927
we didn't meet under
different circumstances.

234
00:10:19,928 --> 00:10:21,929
We could've been friends.

235
00:10:21,930 --> 00:10:26,434
Yeah... I guess that is too bad, huh?

236
00:10:26,935 --> 00:10:31,438
Look... here is my number.

237
00:10:31,439 --> 00:10:34,441
If you need anything...

238
00:10:34,442 --> 00:10:36,945
call me.

239
00:10:40,949 --> 00:10:42,950
Maybe it's just me,

240
00:10:42,951 --> 00:10:45,453
but I think that woman's kind of pretty.

241
00:10:47,455 --> 00:10:50,958
Really? I, uh... hadn't noticed.

242
00:10:50,959 --> 00:10:53,327
Too busy thinking
about the lawsuit, huh?

243
00:10:53,328 --> 00:10:54,713
Lawsuit?

244
00:11:08,344 --> 00:11:10,645
Jake the Snake
is body-slammed to the mat.

245
00:11:10,646 --> 00:11:12,647
He's pinned by Hulk Hogan.

246
00:11:12,648 --> 00:11:14,149
One, two, three!

247
00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:15,650
The Hulk wins it!

248
00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:18,653
Oh, man, that Hulk Hogan
is amazing, isn't he?

249
00:11:18,654 --> 00:11:20,655
Woody, the thing is fixed.

250
00:11:20,656 --> 00:11:22,524
Oh, that's too bad.

251
00:11:22,525 --> 00:11:24,410
Hulk Hogan can't have children.

252
00:11:28,330 --> 00:11:30,416
It's evolution's loss.

253
00:11:35,621 --> 00:11:36,504
Hey, everybody.

254
00:11:36,505 --> 00:11:39,458
Cliffie, who died?

255
00:11:39,959 --> 00:11:42,460
The old Cliff Clavin,
that's who, Normie.

256
00:11:42,461 --> 00:11:43,461
Nice threads.

257
00:11:43,462 --> 00:11:44,879
Ah, thank you, Sammy.

258
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:45,763
Can I have a little drink there,

259
00:11:45,764 --> 00:11:47,216
uh, Woody?

260
00:11:47,716 --> 00:11:48,716
We have, uh, enough time

261
00:11:48,717 --> 00:11:50,602
before Madeline and I go
out to dinner this evening.

262
00:11:50,603 --> 00:11:52,437
Wait a minute, are you
still seeing each other?

263
00:11:52,438 --> 00:11:54,189
Every day this week, buddy.

264
00:11:54,190 --> 00:11:56,024
Oh, things are getting pretty hot, huh?

265
00:11:56,025 --> 00:11:57,525
Sammy, our relationship is not

266
00:11:57,526 --> 00:11:59,394
based merely on the physical, huh?

267
00:11:59,395 --> 00:12:03,148
He isn't getting any.

268
00:12:03,149 --> 00:12:06,651
Well, I, uh, better go
check up on our reservations.

269
00:12:06,652 --> 00:12:09,038
Uh, Cliff, I hate to bring
up an ugly subject, but, uh...

270
00:12:09,538 --> 00:12:10,378
Oh, that's okay, Sam.

271
00:12:10,539 --> 00:12:12,540
We're already in the area.

272
00:12:12,541 --> 00:12:15,410
Are-Are you still planning to
go through with the lawsuit?

273
00:12:15,411 --> 00:12:17,829
Well, you, uh, you know how slowly

274
00:12:17,830 --> 00:12:20,832
the wheels of justice
grind there, Samuel.

275
00:12:20,833 --> 00:12:22,717
Uh-oh.

276
00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:24,220
Guess what sap is being suckered

277
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,471
into dropping a lawsuit?

278
00:12:26,472 --> 00:12:28,756
Well, now, not
necessarily now, all right?

279
00:12:28,757 --> 00:12:30,758
Let's just take a look
at all these facts,

280
00:12:30,759 --> 00:12:32,177
as complicated as they may be,

281
00:12:32,178 --> 00:12:34,062
and see if we can come to
a conclusion about this.

282
00:12:34,063 --> 00:12:36,014
Okay, let's start where
this gorgeous woman

283
00:12:36,015 --> 00:12:38,516
is interested in Cliff, all right?

284
00:12:38,517 --> 00:12:40,678
Now, I don't think we have
to go any further than that.

285
00:12:41,983 --> 00:12:42,904
No, now, just a second.

286
00:12:42,905 --> 00:12:44,656
I mean, I don't think
we're really being fair.

287
00:12:44,657 --> 00:12:45,740
Now, let's say

288
00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:47,525
if an ugly woman were
interested in Cliff,

289
00:12:47,526 --> 00:12:48,526
would any of us be suspicious?

290
00:12:48,527 --> 00:12:50,912
If a living woman were
interested in Cliff,

291
00:12:50,913 --> 00:12:51,914
I'd be suspicious.

292
00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:55,500
You know, I got to go along
with Dr. Crane on this one.

293
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:57,502
I can't believe that
someone would actually lie

294
00:12:57,503 --> 00:12:59,755
just to save a lot of money.

295
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:03,926
Woody, don't help me, okay?

296
00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:08,346
Listen, somebody's got
to tell Cliff the truth.

297
00:13:08,347 --> 00:13:11,716
I guarantee that he'll never
talk to the person who does.

298
00:13:11,717 --> 00:13:14,719
Okay, you talked me into it.

299
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,222
Hey, Hopalong!

300
00:13:17,223 --> 00:13:18,723
Come here. I want to talk to you.

301
00:13:18,724 --> 00:13:20,726
Huh?

302
00:13:23,229 --> 00:13:25,731
I don't know how to tell you this.

303
00:13:26,232 --> 00:13:27,233
Wait a minute. Yes, I do.

304
00:13:27,733 --> 00:13:29,234
You're an idiot!

305
00:13:29,235 --> 00:13:31,236
Everybody in the bar thinks

306
00:13:31,237 --> 00:13:32,738
that babe is playing you for a fool

307
00:13:33,239 --> 00:13:35,740
and the second you drop
your lawsuit, you're history.

308
00:13:35,741 --> 00:13:37,742
You are a sap.

309
00:13:37,743 --> 00:13:41,746
I know... but I'm having
the time of my life.

310
00:13:41,747 --> 00:13:44,249
You know, uh, how often am I a sap

311
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:45,250
with a beautiful woman?

312
00:13:45,251 --> 00:13:47,752
I mean, I usually am
a sap with the bowsers,

313
00:13:47,753 --> 00:13:49,754
but, uh...

314
00:13:49,755 --> 00:13:51,435
when Madeline and I
walk into a restaurant,

315
00:13:51,757 --> 00:13:53,259
all the guys' heads, they turn.

316
00:13:53,479 --> 00:13:54,759
And they're not saying, "Hey..."

317
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,262
there's a beautiful woman
over there with a sap."

318
00:13:57,263 --> 00:14:00,765
Yes, they are.

319
00:14:00,766 --> 00:14:03,268
Look, all I know is that
as long as we're together,

320
00:14:03,269 --> 00:14:08,273
there's a good chance she may
grant me the, uh, ultimate favor.

321
00:14:08,274 --> 00:14:09,774
Yeah, right, Clavin.

322
00:14:09,775 --> 00:14:12,278
You're threatening to
sue her, not kill her.

323
00:14:17,666 --> 00:14:20,619
Oh, uh, Madeline.

324
00:14:22,004 --> 00:14:24,339
You... You look ravishing as ever.

325
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:27,842
Thank you, Cliff. I
thought you would like it.

326
00:14:27,843 --> 00:14:28,843
Like it?!

327
00:14:28,844 --> 00:14:31,347
If I had better legs,
I'd get one for myself.

328
00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:35,017
Oh, Cliff, you're adorable.

329
00:14:37,519 --> 00:14:39,020
Uh, we better get going.

330
00:14:39,021 --> 00:14:41,022
Uh, late for the reservations, huh?

331
00:14:41,023 --> 00:14:43,024
Um, before we go,

332
00:14:43,025 --> 00:14:46,528
I think we need to sit
down and have a talk.

333
00:14:48,530 --> 00:14:51,032
Is, there, uh, something wrong?

334
00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:54,036
Actually, yes.

335
00:14:55,037 --> 00:14:57,905
What, uh... what is it, Madeline?

336
00:14:57,906 --> 00:15:00,124
Well...

337
00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:03,044
this lawsuit has been
preying on my mind,

338
00:15:03,045 --> 00:15:07,548
and... well, my attorney gave me this.

339
00:15:07,549 --> 00:15:11,052
It's a waiver form.

340
00:15:11,053 --> 00:15:16,058
It releases me from all
liability for the dog bite.

341
00:15:17,059 --> 00:15:20,928
And, uh, I guess you
want me to sign it, huh?

342
00:15:20,929 --> 00:15:23,598
I want you to tear it up.

343
00:15:23,599 --> 00:15:24,432
Well, I don't understand...

344
00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:26,935
Please, just tear it up.

345
00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:38,112
When this first began,

346
00:15:38,113 --> 00:15:41,115
I thought I could get
you to drop the lawsuit,

347
00:15:41,116 --> 00:15:43,117
if I was nice to you.

348
00:15:43,118 --> 00:15:47,506
But then, the funniest thing happened.

349
00:15:48,290 --> 00:15:51,677
I grew to like you... a lot.

350
00:15:52,428 --> 00:15:55,430
But I'll understand if you hate me

351
00:15:55,431 --> 00:15:57,432
for what I was going to do.

352
00:15:57,433 --> 00:15:59,801
I was playing with your emotions

353
00:15:59,802 --> 00:16:02,687
when you've been so honest with me.

354
00:16:02,688 --> 00:16:05,606
Uh, well, I-I forgive
you, Madeline, uh...

355
00:16:05,607 --> 00:16:07,608
No, you're a decent guy, Cliff.

356
00:16:07,609 --> 00:16:09,110
Maybe I just better go.

357
00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:11,112
No, uh, Madeline, wait.

358
00:16:11,113 --> 00:16:13,114
Uh, look, I-I-I...

359
00:16:13,115 --> 00:16:17,118
Anything you did, it doesn't
make a difference to me.

360
00:16:17,119 --> 00:16:19,987
You're not just saying
that to make me feel better?

361
00:16:19,988 --> 00:16:21,789
No, I swear it. Scout's honor.

362
00:16:21,790 --> 00:16:25,294
Oh, Cliff, oh!

363
00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:29,297
Oh!

364
00:16:29,298 --> 00:16:31,799
Doesn't it feel good to clear the air?

365
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,303
Oh, yeah, it does.

366
00:16:35,804 --> 00:16:40,308
Look, why don't we
forget about the dinner

367
00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:42,810
and rent a room somewhere

368
00:16:42,811 --> 00:16:45,814
and just celebrate our socks off?

369
00:16:50,686 --> 00:16:52,354
Really?

370
00:16:55,774 --> 00:16:57,275
Well, uh...

371
00:16:57,276 --> 00:17:01,779
well, the, uh, Ritz is
just around the corner.

372
00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:06,285
Why, Cliff, I think
that's a wonderful idea.

373
00:17:07,286 --> 00:17:09,786
Carla, would, uh, you be a dear

374
00:17:09,787 --> 00:17:12,289
and, uh, cancel dinner reservations

375
00:17:12,290 --> 00:17:14,676
for the, uh, Sap party?

376
00:17:15,594 --> 00:17:18,094
We're, uh...

377
00:17:18,095 --> 00:17:21,717
we're going to have, uh,
Ritz service at the room.

378
00:17:27,355 --> 00:17:29,724
I, uh, I meant Ritz service at the room.

379
00:17:29,725 --> 00:17:33,110
Can you believe I said
"Ritz service at the room"?

380
00:17:33,111 --> 00:17:37,616
What I meant was, uh,
Ritz service at the room.

381
00:17:48,242 --> 00:17:50,244
Cheers.

382
00:17:50,245 --> 00:17:52,163
Oh, hey, Mr. Clavin, what's new?

383
00:17:52,164 --> 00:17:53,881
Sure thing. Hold on.

384
00:17:53,882 --> 00:17:55,717
Sam, it's for you.

385
00:17:57,719 --> 00:17:58,719
Yeah, Cliff?

386
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,587
Oh, hey, Sammy... Sammy?

387
00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,975
It's, uh, it's about to happen.

388
00:18:04,843 --> 00:18:07,229
And y-you stopped to call me?

389
00:18:09,681 --> 00:18:12,182
She's, uh, she's in the john

390
00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:14,685
putting on her best bib and tucker.

391
00:18:14,686 --> 00:18:19,073
Hey, uh, Sam, can I
make a small confession?

392
00:18:19,074 --> 00:18:20,775
Sure.

393
00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:22,944
I'm scared.

394
00:18:23,694 --> 00:18:26,197
Well, Cliff, if it's any consolation,

395
00:18:26,198 --> 00:18:29,451
I've seen her, and I'm scared for you.

396
00:18:34,506 --> 00:18:36,792
Oh, my God...

397
00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:40,629
Oh, Sam...

398
00:18:50,972 --> 00:18:52,857
Slide over, Cliff.

399
00:19:01,950 --> 00:19:05,452
No, I meant this way, Cliff.

400
00:19:05,453 --> 00:19:08,957
Oh. Yes, ma'am.

401
00:19:14,663 --> 00:19:19,667
Now... isn't this wonderful?

402
00:19:19,668 --> 00:19:22,170
Yeah...

403
00:19:23,171 --> 00:19:27,174
I wish the guys in the bar could see us.

404
00:19:28,677 --> 00:19:30,177
Really?

405
00:19:30,178 --> 00:19:32,179
Oh, I mean, you know,

406
00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:33,681
it's just a figure of speech.

407
00:19:33,682 --> 00:19:36,182
Uh... uh, they just
think that we're together

408
00:19:36,183 --> 00:19:41,189
because you-you want me
to drop the lawsuit and...

409
00:19:42,691 --> 00:19:45,693
Well, they couldn't be more wrong.

410
00:19:46,193 --> 00:19:49,197
Oh, no, I know, uh... I know.

411
00:19:49,698 --> 00:19:53,200
It's just, uh...

412
00:19:53,201 --> 00:19:56,203
I wish I could, uh...
convince them of that.

413
00:19:57,706 --> 00:19:59,207
I know.

414
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,710
If only that silly lawsuit
were out of the way,

415
00:20:02,711 --> 00:20:05,712
I could focus my total attention on you,

416
00:20:05,713 --> 00:20:07,715
taking you to a height of ecstasy

417
00:20:07,716 --> 00:20:10,217
you never dreamed possible.

418
00:20:10,218 --> 00:20:13,720
Yeah, I could go for that...

419
00:20:13,721 --> 00:20:16,224
but, uh, well, I, uh...

420
00:20:16,725 --> 00:20:19,727
I ripped up that
release form in the bar.

421
00:20:19,728 --> 00:20:22,229
Well, there...

422
00:20:22,230 --> 00:20:24,732
No...

423
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:26,734
Unless...

424
00:20:26,735 --> 00:20:28,235
Unless what?

425
00:20:28,236 --> 00:20:30,488
Unless... No...

426
00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:32,573
No, what? No, tell me.

427
00:20:32,574 --> 00:20:34,910
Well, I happen to have another copy

428
00:20:35,410 --> 00:20:37,411
of that release form in my purse.

429
00:20:37,412 --> 00:20:38,413
Oh, what a break!

430
00:20:39,414 --> 00:20:42,917
I'm a lucky guy!

431
00:20:42,918 --> 00:20:44,302
Uh, you got a pen?

432
00:20:48,757 --> 00:20:49,757
Oh!

433
00:20:49,758 --> 00:20:54,260
Oh, I feel a terrible burden
lifted off my shoulders.

434
00:20:54,261 --> 00:20:58,265
Oh, yeah. Me, too.

435
00:20:58,266 --> 00:21:00,152
W-W-W-W-What now?

436
00:21:00,936 --> 00:21:05,940
Well, you just lie back...

437
00:21:05,941 --> 00:21:07,441
Yeah?

438
00:21:07,442 --> 00:21:11,445
And close your eyes...

439
00:21:11,446 --> 00:21:13,948
Oh, yeah!

440
00:21:13,949 --> 00:21:16,702
And I'll check my phone messages.

441
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:20,004
Uh, excuse me?

442
00:21:20,005 --> 00:21:23,007
Well, I get very distracted

443
00:21:23,008 --> 00:21:26,877
when I haven't checked my messages.

444
00:21:26,878 --> 00:21:30,716
And you don't want me
to be distracted, do you?

445
00:21:34,970 --> 00:21:37,856
Oh, my God!

446
00:21:38,807 --> 00:21:40,692
Uh-oh.

447
00:21:45,564 --> 00:21:47,981
And, uh, she hung up the phone and said,

448
00:21:47,982 --> 00:21:50,484
"Cliff, uh, I don't know how
to tell you this, but, uh,

449
00:21:50,485 --> 00:21:52,903
my husband's come back."

450
00:21:52,904 --> 00:21:54,371
Wait a minute now.

451
00:21:54,372 --> 00:21:56,874
She's married all this
time and never told you?

452
00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:58,374
Yeah. Seems that her husband,

453
00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:00,795
a true and gallant soldier
of these United States,

454
00:22:00,796 --> 00:22:03,214
was, uh, lost and presumed dead

455
00:22:03,215 --> 00:22:06,084
during some, uh, secret mission
out there in the Far East.

456
00:22:07,969 --> 00:22:09,970
Oh, as it turns out,
he was only wounded,

457
00:22:09,971 --> 00:22:12,339
and although he suffered,
uh, years of torture,

458
00:22:12,340 --> 00:22:14,675
see, uh, uh, somehow, he managed to, uh,

459
00:22:14,676 --> 00:22:16,677
dig a tunnel with a pair of chopsticks

460
00:22:16,678 --> 00:22:20,681
and... make his way to a, uh, pay phone

461
00:22:20,682 --> 00:22:22,433
and, uh, give her a call.

462
00:22:24,603 --> 00:22:27,354
Cliff, this is an unbelievable story.

463
00:22:27,355 --> 00:22:28,855
Oh, yeah, Sammy.

464
00:22:28,856 --> 00:22:31,359
It's unbelievable to
me, and I was there.

465
00:22:33,361 --> 00:22:35,863
But, uh, she barely had
time to blow me a kiss

466
00:22:35,864 --> 00:22:38,282
and wish me a happy life, and, uh...

467
00:22:38,283 --> 00:22:41,286
then she was gone...
like a dream in the night.

468
00:22:42,788 --> 00:22:44,289
What a maroon.

469
00:22:45,790 --> 00:22:48,759
I... I guess we were
like a pair of lovers

470
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,760
that were never meant to be.

471
00:22:50,761 --> 00:22:53,264
Like Romeo and Juliet...

472
00:22:53,265 --> 00:22:57,268
Rhett, Scarlett...

473
00:22:57,269 --> 00:22:59,770
Heathcliff, Kathy...

474
00:23:01,773 --> 00:23:03,275
Heath, Cliff and Kathy?

475
00:23:03,775 --> 00:23:05,777
Isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?