1 00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:05,306 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:09,109 Well, I'm out of here, I guess. 3 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,612 Going to stop over at the health club. 4 00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,115 You belong to a health club? 5 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,617 Yeah, yeah. Vera gave me a membership for my birthday. 6 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:20,987 It's, uh, real subtle, huh? 7 00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,238 You-You actually go there and work out? 8 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,742 Yeah. I try to do, uh, about 25 in the pool every day. 9 00:00:25,743 --> 00:00:26,659 Laps? 10 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,162 Cannonballs. 11 00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:36,970 ? Making your way in the world today? 12 00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:39,973 ? Takes everything you've got? 13 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,976 ? Taking a break from all your worries? 14 00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:46,479 ? Sure would help a lot? 15 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:52,268 ? Wouldn't you like to get away?? 16 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:54,270 ? Sometimes you want to go? 17 00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:59,776 ? Where everybody knows your name? 18 00:00:59,777 --> 00:01:04,280 ? And they're always glad you came? 19 00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,783 ? You want to be where you can see? 20 00:01:06,784 --> 00:01:09,285 ? Our troubles are all the same? 21 00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:14,791 ? You want to be where everybody knows your name? 22 00:01:14,792 --> 00:01:17,293 ? You want to go where people know? 23 00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:19,796 ? People are all the same? 24 00:01:19,797 --> 00:01:24,802 ? You want to go where everybody knows your name.? 25 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,621 Uh, great, Miss Harville, thanks. 26 00:01:45,622 --> 00:01:47,123 Hot dog! 27 00:01:47,124 --> 00:01:48,124 What's up? 28 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:50,043 They just delivered my new mattress. 29 00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:52,412 Finally, a decent night's rest. 30 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:53,629 Now all I got to do 31 00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:55,715 is figure out what to do with my old mattress. 32 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,050 Any suggestions? 33 00:01:57,051 --> 00:02:00,003 Well, mine's in the Smithsonian. 34 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,674 Oh, will they send a truck? 35 00:02:06,477 --> 00:02:07,927 Hey, Frasier! 36 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:08,928 The usual? 37 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:09,929 Oh, not just yet. 38 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,314 I'm meeting a friend for a drink. 39 00:02:11,315 --> 00:02:13,015 Simon Finch-Royce. Mm. 40 00:02:13,016 --> 00:02:16,436 Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, the n-noted marriage counselor? 41 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,438 No, Dr. Finch-Royce, the circus geek. 42 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,406 Ah. 43 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:21,774 Yes, of course, the marriage counselor. 44 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,993 We were students together when I was a Rhodes Scholar. 45 00:02:23,994 --> 00:02:25,829 Wow, you were a Rhodes Scholar? 46 00:02:26,830 --> 00:02:27,748 Tell me this: 47 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,168 How come the stuff they fill in the potholes with 48 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,252 is darker than the rest of the road? 49 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,375 I don't know, Woody. I missed that day. 50 00:02:39,209 --> 00:02:41,712 And now it's come back to haunt you. 51 00:02:42,713 --> 00:02:44,097 Sam... 52 00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:47,383 Simon Finch-Royce is an eminent psychotherapist 53 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,635 who specializes in marital relations. 54 00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:50,853 Does "eminent" 55 00:02:50,854 --> 00:02:53,139 by any chance mean "rich and single"? 56 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:56,109 Anyway, Sam, I think it's safe to say 57 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:59,362 that he has saved hundreds, nay, thousands 58 00:02:59,363 --> 00:03:00,696 of troubled marriages. 59 00:03:00,697 --> 00:03:04,567 It's even rumored that he had a hand in helping Chuck and Di. 60 00:03:04,568 --> 00:03:07,488 Speaking of that, why don't you upchuck and die? 61 00:03:13,377 --> 00:03:15,661 ? Three little maids from school are we...? 62 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:18,164 ? Pert as a schoolgirl well may be...? 63 00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:20,166 ? Filled to the brim with girlish glee? 64 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:24,171 ? Three little maids from school.? 65 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,057 Sam, you want me to call the police? 66 00:03:28,058 --> 00:03:29,058 Uh, no... 67 00:03:29,059 --> 00:03:30,560 no cause for alarm, Woody. 68 00:03:30,561 --> 00:03:33,062 Simon and I did the spring musical together at Oxford. 69 00:03:33,063 --> 00:03:35,014 It was The Mikado. 70 00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,516 Simon played Pitti-Sing, and I was Yum-Yum. 71 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,018 And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen. 72 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,019 It's good to see you, Simon. 73 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,020 Uh, how was your flight? All right? 74 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,524 Oh, relatively crash-free. 75 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:45,525 Can I buy you a drink? 76 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,526 Yes, a pint of beer, 77 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,027 but none of that weak-kneed American bile. 78 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,029 Give me, uh, a little something with hair on it. 79 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,499 Here I am. 80 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,420 So, uh, you married? 81 00:03:57,421 --> 00:03:58,921 Yes, quite happily. 82 00:03:58,922 --> 00:04:01,924 Too bad. Could've been my first Englishman. 83 00:04:01,925 --> 00:04:04,927 No, no, no, wait, there was that one other guy, 84 00:04:04,928 --> 00:04:08,098 but he was so white, I kept losing him in the sheets. 85 00:04:11,301 --> 00:04:12,101 Do we know her? 86 00:04:12,102 --> 00:04:13,603 Yes, that's Carla. 87 00:04:13,604 --> 00:04:16,473 Have her scrubbed and sent to my tent. 88 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,892 Sam, a Guinness for my friend. 89 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,227 Guinness coming right up. 90 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,696 Oh, Simon, by the way: Sam Malone, Woody Boyd. 91 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:24,697 Simon Finch-Royce. Hi. Hi. 92 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,949 Howdy. Howdy. 93 00:04:26,950 --> 00:04:28,951 Oh, and, uh, this is Diane Chambers. 94 00:04:28,952 --> 00:04:30,453 Oh, how do you do? 95 00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:32,955 Delighted to make your acquaintance. 96 00:04:32,956 --> 00:04:36,459 You're so much taller than you looked on your book jacket. 97 00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:39,462 Ah, yes, but you see, the book's only about that big. 98 00:04:39,463 --> 00:04:41,330 That must be it. 99 00:04:41,331 --> 00:04:42,298 So, what brings you here? 100 00:04:42,299 --> 00:04:44,300 Oh, I'm accepting an honorary degree. 101 00:04:44,301 --> 00:04:45,801 It's nothing much... just a small college... 102 00:04:45,802 --> 00:04:47,803 but, uh, any excuse to pop over the pond. 103 00:04:47,804 --> 00:04:49,005 Doc, uh, 104 00:04:49,006 --> 00:04:49,805 Hi. I'm Norm Peterson. 105 00:04:49,806 --> 00:04:50,806 Oh. 106 00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:52,308 I have to tell you that my wife 107 00:04:52,309 --> 00:04:53,809 is a big fan of yours, sir. Oh. 108 00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:54,810 Yeah, she reads 109 00:04:54,811 --> 00:04:56,312 all those marriage improvement books. 110 00:04:56,313 --> 00:04:57,179 Great. Have they helped? 111 00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:58,097 Well, they've helped me. 112 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,099 It, uh, gives her something to do in bed. 113 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,101 I have a few questions... Thank you, Norm. 114 00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:04,987 Shall we just go over here, where it's a little quieter? 115 00:05:04,988 --> 00:05:06,740 Splendid idea. 116 00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:10,243 Oh, thank you. 117 00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:12,745 Oh, Frasier, please join us. 118 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,113 Oh, Sam, may I have 119 00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:15,498 a seltzer, please? 120 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:17,366 You know, I had a thought. 121 00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:20,253 Sam and I are about to be married, and... 122 00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:22,255 dare I ask it, could you be persuaded 123 00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:25,258 to possibly have a session or two with us? 124 00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:26,259 Oh, Diane... 125 00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:27,381 I think it's a capital idea. 126 00:05:27,711 --> 00:05:29,595 Ah, well, then, 127 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:30,346 let it be my wedding gift to you. 128 00:05:30,347 --> 00:05:31,347 I was considering 129 00:05:31,348 --> 00:05:32,848 the gravy boat, but I think 130 00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:35,218 our relationship transcends mere crockery. 131 00:05:36,899 --> 00:05:38,020 Are you sure you don't mind? 132 00:05:38,021 --> 00:05:40,022 Oh, not at all. I'm a terrible workaholic. 133 00:05:40,023 --> 00:05:41,023 And also, it'll be refreshing 134 00:05:41,024 --> 00:05:42,525 to work with a couple 135 00:05:42,526 --> 00:05:44,026 who are not on the brink of disaster. 136 00:05:44,027 --> 00:05:46,028 Thank you, Sam. Will you excuse us for a minute here? 137 00:05:46,029 --> 00:05:47,530 Can I talk to you for a minute, please? 138 00:05:47,531 --> 00:05:50,032 Oh, excuse me. 139 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,033 Why do you want to do this? 140 00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:52,034 We're not in trouble. 141 00:05:52,035 --> 00:05:53,536 We're not even married yet. 142 00:05:53,537 --> 00:05:55,037 Sam, marriage counselors 143 00:05:55,038 --> 00:05:57,540 aren't just for people who are having troubles. 144 00:05:57,541 --> 00:06:00,543 His expertise will help us lay 145 00:06:00,544 --> 00:06:02,545 a solid foundation for our married life. 146 00:06:02,546 --> 00:06:04,797 Now, what say we give it a go? 147 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,132 Hey, wh-what's with this English accent? 148 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,133 Ever since he walked in here, 149 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,635 you-you been talking like the queen 150 00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,504 was your Aunt Betty or something. 151 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,173 Oh, tosh. What twaddle. 152 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:16,092 See, th... 153 00:06:16,093 --> 00:06:18,094 Hey, yeah, but, you know, so, if you Brits 154 00:06:18,095 --> 00:06:19,595 ever find yourself in trouble 155 00:06:19,596 --> 00:06:23,599 against, uh, another major military power like Argentina, 156 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,569 you know, one thing is, uh, 157 00:06:26,570 --> 00:06:28,571 well, we Yanks'll be there to bail you out 158 00:06:28,572 --> 00:06:30,940 just like we were during the last two big ones, huh? 159 00:06:30,941 --> 00:06:32,525 Cliffie, Cliff! 160 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,943 There's a gentleman over here that thinks you know 161 00:06:33,944 --> 00:06:36,445 absolutely nothing about photosynthesis. 162 00:06:36,446 --> 00:06:37,947 Oh, yeah, who? 163 00:06:37,948 --> 00:06:41,951 Why... Why, I'll straighten him out. 164 00:06:41,952 --> 00:06:42,835 The first paper that was done... 165 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,755 So, Doctor, when shall we begin? 166 00:06:45,756 --> 00:06:46,672 Why not right now? 167 00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:49,041 Sure. Is-is there anywhere with a little privacy? 168 00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,259 Well, there's Sam's office. 169 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:51,677 You don't mind, do you, Sam? 170 00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,045 Of course you don't. Lovely. 171 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:56,349 Oh, Simon, Simon, this is strictly professional. 172 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:57,350 I want you to bill me for this. 173 00:06:57,351 --> 00:06:58,851 Oh, right. 174 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,353 Yes. And I do want you to completely disregard 175 00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:01,854 our years and years of friendship 176 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:02,855 when determining your fee. 177 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,357 Oh, well, whatever you say. 178 00:07:04,358 --> 00:07:05,224 Look, I mean it, now. 179 00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,726 I-I'll hear nothing of that 40% 180 00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,227 psychiatrist's courtesy discount 181 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,729 that's customary here in the States. 182 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,231 I wouldn't dream of insulting you. 183 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,735 Well, I'm glad we worked that out. 184 00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:18,738 Well, now, uh, where to begin. 185 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,239 Well, usually, at this point, 186 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,207 you would tell me 187 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,209 what a loathsome, contemptible swine he is, 188 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,577 and, uh, you would describe 189 00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:28,465 in some detail what a wanton, libidinous trollop she is... 190 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,883 but as you're only engaged, 191 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,387 we'll just have to look forward to that. 192 00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:38,391 When I was on the staff of the London Psychiatric Hospital 193 00:07:38,392 --> 00:07:39,725 just after my divorce, we had a couple that... 194 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:40,926 Excuse me. 195 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:41,594 Hmm? 196 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,812 You've been divorced? 197 00:07:42,813 --> 00:07:43,646 Yes, I have. 198 00:07:43,647 --> 00:07:46,015 That's great. 199 00:07:46,016 --> 00:07:48,517 Now, Sam, Sam, I can say to you with pride, 200 00:07:48,518 --> 00:07:49,518 "Yes, I have been divorced," 201 00:07:49,519 --> 00:07:52,405 because it is only from our failures 202 00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:53,773 that we gain knowledge. 203 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,274 Consequently, I was able to make 204 00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,526 a much better choice of a second wife. 205 00:07:57,527 --> 00:07:58,861 Perhaps my vision 206 00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:02,282 was clearer for the tears that I had shed. 207 00:08:05,669 --> 00:08:07,537 You are the wisest man I know. 208 00:08:10,006 --> 00:08:12,793 High praise, indeed. Well, now, uh... 209 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,631 I need to begin to get to know you two, 210 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,633 so, Diane, why don't, why don't you start? 211 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:24,520 Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, 212 00:08:24,521 --> 00:08:28,774 but I have a distinct in-utero recollection 213 00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:32,278 of a Fourth of July concert my mother attended. 214 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,780 There was at least one Souza march... 215 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,149 And then he proposed to me in, of all places, 216 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:39,535 a court of law. 217 00:08:39,536 --> 00:08:44,658 This time I acquiesced and agreed to become Mrs. Malone... 218 00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:49,379 which brings us here today. 219 00:08:51,081 --> 00:08:53,165 You know, my wife has a skirt 220 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,968 very similar to the one you're wearing. 221 00:08:59,389 --> 00:09:01,257 Sam... 222 00:09:01,258 --> 00:09:03,259 a little of your history, please. 223 00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:06,762 Oh, right, all right. Okay, uh... 224 00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:10,649 Let's see, uh, it was, uh, August 5, 1973. 225 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,152 I, uh, got my first major league save. 226 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,104 It was in Baltimore. 227 00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:17,857 Sam, you don't have to go into all of that. 228 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:18,657 If you can go back to the womb, 229 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:21,161 I can go back to the damn Oriole doubleheader. 230 00:09:23,413 --> 00:09:25,080 Anyway, uh... 231 00:09:25,081 --> 00:09:26,031 sweltering day. 232 00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:28,033 Frank Robinson had been killing me all season, 233 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,535 but this day, I'm telling you... 234 00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,287 it happened every single time. 235 00:09:31,288 --> 00:09:32,254 Which means that, 236 00:09:32,255 --> 00:09:33,255 no matter what town you were in, 237 00:09:33,256 --> 00:09:36,542 these women would just hang around outside your locker room, 238 00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:38,043 I mean, complete strangers, 239 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:39,545 and-and throw themselves at you? 240 00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:40,546 Yeah. 241 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,549 It was great. 242 00:09:44,768 --> 00:09:46,553 Well, uh, moving on. 243 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,054 Now, um, what-what are the keys 244 00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,056 to a successful marriage? 245 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:52,558 Well, there are numerous schools of thought. 246 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,060 Uh, many experts claim 247 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:58,564 that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is... 248 00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,481 Quickly now. 249 00:09:59,482 --> 00:10:00,232 Love? 250 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:00,950 Sex. 251 00:10:00,951 --> 00:10:03,702 Honesty... 252 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,705 because from honesty springs... 253 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:07,206 Fidelity. 254 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,408 Sex. 255 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:12,161 Yes, trust. 256 00:10:12,162 --> 00:10:15,080 Oh, I was going to say that. 257 00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:17,583 Well, those people are wrong. 258 00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,084 Now, during the, uh, course 259 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,586 of my counseling, I have come up 260 00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,087 with a number of scenarios, 261 00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:25,090 the responses to which give very useful pointers 262 00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,592 to a couple's compatibility. 263 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,094 So, Sam, we'll start with you. 264 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:30,896 You're on your honeymoon. 265 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:32,898 With Diane? 266 00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:33,899 With Diane. 267 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,768 Now, the two of you 268 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,069 are on a tropical beach 269 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,405 wearing nothing but your swimming togs. 270 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,909 Uh, Doctor, I do have a tendency to freckle. 271 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,779 Diane is wearing a big hat. 272 00:10:48,164 --> 00:10:49,915 Now, Sam, you see a woman walk by. 273 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:52,418 Her flesh is tawny from the tropic sun. 274 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,787 Her proud yet supple bosoms heave mightily 275 00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:57,257 against the constraints of her tiny bikini. 276 00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,959 You think she is the most beautiful creature that you have ever seen. 277 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,261 At this moment, Diane turns to you and says, 278 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,262 "A penny for your thoughts." 279 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,130 Do you share them with her? 280 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:08,384 Uh, gee, that's, uh, that's hard to say. 281 00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:10,886 Wh-When you say "bikini", is it that French cut...? 282 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,271 Sam! 283 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,608 I'm just trying to clarify things here. 284 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,527 All right, all right, do I tell her? Um... 285 00:11:18,528 --> 00:11:20,479 No, of course not. 286 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,867 You wouldn't trust me to handle that? 287 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,235 Well, yes, of course I would. 288 00:11:26,236 --> 00:11:27,620 Did I say no? I meant yes. 289 00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:28,487 All right. 290 00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:30,789 Diane, it's your wedding night. 291 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:32,741 You and Sam have just made love, 292 00:11:32,742 --> 00:11:36,129 and Sam has not performed to your satisfaction. 293 00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:45,554 He asks you how it was. 294 00:11:45,555 --> 00:11:47,057 Do you tell him? 295 00:11:49,059 --> 00:11:50,426 I never have before. 296 00:11:50,427 --> 00:11:51,760 I'm kidding. 297 00:11:51,761 --> 00:11:52,761 I'm kidding. 298 00:11:52,762 --> 00:11:54,514 I tell you I'm kidding. 299 00:11:55,815 --> 00:11:57,316 Of course I wouldn't tell him. 300 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,183 It would hurt his feelings. 301 00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,019 Fine. Well, I... 302 00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:01,520 just have to express my appreciation 303 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,355 that you've been so open with me. 304 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:04,357 I've heard enough. 305 00:12:05,241 --> 00:12:05,858 That's it? 306 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:06,608 Of course, Sam, 307 00:12:06,609 --> 00:12:08,110 that's all he has to hear. 308 00:12:08,111 --> 00:12:09,611 The good doctor is a brilliant man. 309 00:12:09,612 --> 00:12:11,613 I'm sure he has a complete handle on our relationship. 310 00:12:11,614 --> 00:12:13,115 Yes, I have. 311 00:12:13,116 --> 00:12:14,616 You two should not only not get married, 312 00:12:14,617 --> 00:12:16,503 you should never see each other again. 313 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,173 What?! 314 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,675 Well, I'm sorry to be so blunt, 315 00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:25,177 but sometimes a surgeon has to cut in order to cure. 316 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,046 Whoa... 317 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,297 what's the problem? 318 00:12:28,298 --> 00:12:30,299 Well, would that there were only one, 319 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:31,550 but there are so many. 320 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,352 Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean. 321 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:34,853 I mean... 322 00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:36,355 first of all, and most obviously, 323 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:37,856 you have absolutely nothing in common. 324 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:38,857 Then, on top of that, 325 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:40,726 you have an appalling lack of communication. 326 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:44,063 What about the idea that opposites attract? 327 00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:46,565 Ah, the song of the truly desperate. 328 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:49,568 Well, take it from... 329 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,070 take it from one who has observed 330 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,571 dozens of failed marriages... 331 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,074 the only thing that opposites attract is divorce. 332 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,575 Well, don't, wait a minute, don't go. 333 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:57,576 What shall we do? 334 00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:58,577 Well, think yourselves lucky. 335 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,462 I mean, you found out now. 336 00:13:00,463 --> 00:13:01,914 Saved yourself years, perhaps decades, 337 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,216 of pain and heartache. 338 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,086 Cheerio. 339 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,065 Ah, Simon! 340 00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:22,318 Simon, I've signed a blank check. 341 00:13:22,319 --> 00:13:23,602 Now, remember, no favors. 342 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,104 I want you to fill in your regular fee. 343 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,105 Oh, as you wish. Thanks. 344 00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,107 Say, excuse me, I must dash back to the hotel. 345 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:29,108 Oh, listen, just for my ledger, 346 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,609 uh, what amount should I fill in? 347 00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:31,493 $1,500. 348 00:13:31,494 --> 00:13:33,412 Fine. $1,500. Done. 349 00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:35,782 Pretentious limey bastard. 350 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,618 Well, what am I saying? 351 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,453 It was your wedding gift and he is the best. 352 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,289 The man's a quack. 353 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,291 Imagine he had the nerve to say 354 00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,043 that Sam and I shouldn't get married. 355 00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:50,713 That we have absolutely nothing in common. 356 00:13:50,714 --> 00:13:52,014 Excuse me, Diane. 357 00:13:52,015 --> 00:13:53,883 What exactly do you two have in common? 358 00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:57,470 Well, we... 359 00:13:59,022 --> 00:13:59,806 Wait a minute. 360 00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:01,306 Somebody suggesting 361 00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:04,309 Sam and Diane aren't right for each other. 362 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,228 Now, where have I heard that be... 363 00:14:06,229 --> 00:14:08,231 Of course. My prayers. 364 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,118 What are we gone do? 365 00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:15,120 We're going to get married, of course. 366 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:19,626 We're not going to listen to that sack of fish 'n' chips. 367 00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:24,047 Wait a minute. 368 00:14:28,051 --> 00:14:30,552 Why, that wily old bird. 369 00:14:30,553 --> 00:14:32,054 He's brilliant. 370 00:14:32,055 --> 00:14:34,056 Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. 371 00:14:34,057 --> 00:14:36,558 First, he's brilliant, then he's a quack, 372 00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:37,559 and now he's brilliant again?! 373 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,261 Don't you see? 374 00:14:39,262 --> 00:14:40,646 It was a test. 375 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,648 He was testing our resolve 376 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:44,149 in the face of his pronouncement. 377 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,151 Come on, let's go to his hotel. 378 00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:48,153 No, I don't want to do that. Come on. 379 00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:52,024 Sam, we have to prove to him that we are indivisible. 380 00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,826 Oh, I can't believe that I almost fell 381 00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:55,327 for the oldest trick in the book. 382 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,829 Come on. 383 00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:59,698 Why, I thought the oldest trick in the book was the one 384 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:02,501 where the guy tells you you got a spot on your shirt 385 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,503 and then when you look down, bud-oom... 386 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,754 flicks you in the nose. 387 00:15:05,755 --> 00:15:09,541 Well, uh, Woody, you do have a spot on your shirt there. 388 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,927 Ah, no, no, no, no, no, Mr. Clavin. 389 00:15:11,928 --> 00:15:13,429 I'm not falling for that. 390 00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:14,430 I'm much too smart for you. 391 00:15:14,431 --> 00:15:15,798 Wait, no, no, Woody, Woody. 392 00:15:15,799 --> 00:15:17,599 You, you got a spot right there. 393 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,101 Yeah, yeah, right. 394 00:15:19,102 --> 00:15:21,104 You're not gone make me look like a dope. 395 00:15:28,278 --> 00:15:30,229 No, darling, I've settled in for the evening. 396 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,030 I'm desperate for a bit of peace and quiet, 397 00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:34,817 so I'll just have a bite to eat and a bath and pop into bed. 398 00:15:34,818 --> 00:15:37,953 Oh, that pompous twit Frasier Crane says hello. 399 00:15:37,954 --> 00:15:40,739 Yes, bad as usual, if not worse. 400 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:44,544 Still, you may be amused to know I stuck him for $1,500. 401 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:46,829 Oh, uh, excuse me, darling. 402 00:15:46,830 --> 00:15:47,830 There's someone at the door. 403 00:15:47,831 --> 00:15:48,831 Shall we say... 404 00:15:48,832 --> 00:15:49,832 Yes, all right. 405 00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:52,635 Yes, I love you, too. 406 00:15:56,639 --> 00:15:57,639 Oh! 407 00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,641 Hello, Doctor. 408 00:15:59,142 --> 00:16:00,509 Ah, this is a surprise. 409 00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:01,810 Uh, sorry about this. 410 00:16:01,811 --> 00:16:03,312 We didn't catch you on the hopper, did we? Uh... 411 00:16:03,313 --> 00:16:06,181 No, but thanks for asking. 412 00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:07,065 Come in. 413 00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:10,319 This will only take a moment. 414 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,821 You know, you're a very clever man. 415 00:16:12,822 --> 00:16:15,824 It wasn't until after you'd left that we realized 416 00:16:15,825 --> 00:16:18,827 you were merely testing our resolve. 417 00:16:18,828 --> 00:16:20,829 So we stand before you now 418 00:16:20,830 --> 00:16:24,833 as proof we are steadfast in our devotion to one another. 419 00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:26,835 Well, that's very lovely, but it wasn't a test. 420 00:16:26,836 --> 00:16:29,338 Oh, listen to him, Sam. 421 00:16:29,339 --> 00:16:31,340 It's yet another test. 422 00:16:31,341 --> 00:16:33,842 I'm afraid I haven't made myself sufficiently clear. 423 00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:34,843 Um... 424 00:16:34,844 --> 00:16:37,764 you two are an accident 425 00:16:38,181 --> 00:16:40,517 waiting to marry. 426 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,521 Well, you couldn't be more wrong. 427 00:16:45,522 --> 00:16:47,523 If you only knew the enormous 428 00:16:47,524 --> 00:16:49,024 obstacles we've overcome, 429 00:16:49,025 --> 00:16:50,526 you would know that we are destined 430 00:16:50,527 --> 00:16:52,528 to die in each other's arms. 431 00:16:52,529 --> 00:16:55,030 Because, although we are very different people, 432 00:16:55,031 --> 00:16:58,534 our parts mesh together perfectly. 433 00:16:58,535 --> 00:17:01,037 We have achieved symbiosis. 434 00:17:01,538 --> 00:17:04,541 Well, not every time, but it's close. 435 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,329 Sorry about this. 436 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,214 Aren't we all? 437 00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,971 All I'm saying is maybe he's right. 438 00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:20,472 Maybe we should give it some thought. 439 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,474 Maybe we should wait. 440 00:17:21,735 --> 00:17:22,975 Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor. 441 00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:26,228 Maybe you'll do me the honor of sticking a sock in it. 442 00:17:26,229 --> 00:17:28,063 I take it it didn't go so well. 443 00:17:28,064 --> 00:17:30,065 He claims it wasn't a test. 444 00:17:30,066 --> 00:17:34,069 If you ask me, his methods are highly suspect. 445 00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:37,072 How can he say that we are mismatched 446 00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:39,075 on the basis of two silly questions. 447 00:17:39,576 --> 00:17:42,077 I didn't even answer mine accurately. 448 00:17:42,078 --> 00:17:44,079 I said what I thought he wanted to hear. 449 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,582 Sam, did you answer the way you wanted to answer 450 00:17:46,583 --> 00:17:48,951 or the way you thought he wanted you to answer? 451 00:17:48,952 --> 00:17:51,169 Or the way you thought I wanted you to answer? 452 00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:52,454 I don't know, I got confused 453 00:17:52,455 --> 00:17:54,340 after the babe in the bikini walked by. 454 00:17:57,260 --> 00:17:58,760 Well, Diane, 455 00:17:58,761 --> 00:18:00,713 did you tell Simon all this? 456 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,217 No, I didn't. 457 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,719 But I'm going to now. 458 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:08,720 Come on, Sam. 459 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:10,222 We just came back from that hotel. 460 00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,723 I'm not going back there again. 461 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,476 Sam, this is a crucial point in our relationship. 462 00:18:14,477 --> 00:18:15,277 Oh, I am starved. 463 00:18:15,278 --> 00:18:16,778 I haven't eaten all day. Come on. 464 00:18:16,779 --> 00:18:18,780 Uh, both of you, go to Finch-Royce. 465 00:18:18,781 --> 00:18:19,781 Tell him the truth. 466 00:18:19,782 --> 00:18:21,149 Let him make an accurate 467 00:18:21,150 --> 00:18:21,950 assessment of your relationship. 468 00:18:21,951 --> 00:18:23,318 You owe it to me. 469 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:24,620 You owe it to him. 470 00:18:24,621 --> 00:18:26,371 And most of all, you owe it to yourselves. 471 00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,206 Now don't come back until you're fully satisfied. 472 00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:28,957 I don't care 473 00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:29,791 how long it takes. 474 00:18:29,792 --> 00:18:31,793 All right, all right. Right. Thank you. 475 00:18:31,794 --> 00:18:33,795 1,500 bucks, my butt. 476 00:18:33,796 --> 00:18:35,798 Frasier Crane can play hardball, too. 477 00:18:41,971 --> 00:18:43,805 If you need anything else, just let me know. 478 00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:44,806 Oh, thank you. 479 00:18:44,807 --> 00:18:47,309 Now, are you sure the soup is piping hot this time? 480 00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:48,310 Oh, yes, sir. 481 00:18:48,311 --> 00:18:49,311 I burned myself on the bowl. 482 00:18:49,312 --> 00:18:50,313 Excellent. 483 00:19:04,827 --> 00:19:07,195 Ah, how lovely to see you again. 484 00:19:07,196 --> 00:19:09,031 What's it been, 30 minutes? 485 00:19:09,032 --> 00:19:11,833 I'm sorry to barge in. 486 00:19:11,834 --> 00:19:13,114 I hope we're not disturbing you. 487 00:19:13,336 --> 00:19:15,337 Well, actually, I was just about to have my dinner. 488 00:19:15,338 --> 00:19:16,705 Dinner? 489 00:19:16,706 --> 00:19:18,957 Yes, I mean, uh, I don't want to sound rude, 490 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,460 but I actually would like to eat it while it's hot. 491 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,961 I'm sorry, but this is simply 492 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:24,463 too important to put it off. 493 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:25,964 It's been preying on our minds. 494 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,966 We really can't think of anything else. 495 00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,367 Isn't that right, Sam? Yeah, right. 496 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:30,469 Are you gone eat those crackers? 497 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,471 Yes, I am. Now, could you please just say 498 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:33,472 whatever it is you've come to say? 499 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:34,973 Very well. 500 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,475 From the moment of your pronouncement, 501 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,477 we felt that you were wrong, 502 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,979 and now we realize why. 503 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,981 We gave you the wrong answers 504 00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,983 to your questions about the honeymoon. 505 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,485 We've thought it over 506 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,987 and now we want to give you our real answers. 507 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,989 Yes, well, it doesn't matter what you say now. 508 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,491 You see, I mean, what matters 509 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,493 is your first response, your gut reaction. 510 00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:56,995 I mean, you've had two hours to think about it now. 511 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,498 Yes, well, sometimes, it takes Sam two hours 512 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:02,502 to come up with his first thought. 513 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,505 I don't, I don't appreciate that. 514 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,006 You know, it was your stupid idea 515 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:09,007 to come here in the first place. 516 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,009 All of a sudden, he says something you don't like 517 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,690 and now you, you don't believe him anymore? 518 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,012 Well, he's wrong. 519 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,514 He doesn't know what he's talking about. 520 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,015 Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake? 521 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,016 That's highly unlikely... 522 00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:20,519 although I did let the two of you in. 523 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,020 Excuse me, um... 524 00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,022 Come on, let's get out of here, will you? 525 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,024 I'm starved, I'm gone go have some dinner. 526 00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,025 You want to join me? 527 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,411 Please say yes. 528 00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,378 Oh, I wondered what was keeping you. 529 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:49,264 I was beginning to get worried. 530 00:20:49,265 --> 00:20:50,932 Did we get you out of the shower? 531 00:20:50,933 --> 00:20:53,718 No, no, no, no, the, uh, the soup was so hot 532 00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:54,999 it set off the sprinkler system. 533 00:20:56,272 --> 00:20:58,774 Sam and I have been to the library 534 00:20:58,775 --> 00:21:00,776 and we've done extensive research. 535 00:21:00,777 --> 00:21:03,145 We're here to tell you that you are full of rubbish. 536 00:21:03,146 --> 00:21:04,613 How thoughtful. 537 00:21:04,614 --> 00:21:08,617 Most people would only have phoned. 538 00:21:08,618 --> 00:21:10,619 Now, if you'll just examine the parts that I have marked... 539 00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:12,621 I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, 540 00:21:12,622 --> 00:21:14,623 but I have had just about enough of this. 541 00:21:14,624 --> 00:21:15,625 Now, I've said 542 00:21:16,035 --> 00:21:17,075 that you're not compatible 543 00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:20,078 and you have done nothing to show me otherwise. 544 00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,080 Look, I don't know what we're supposed to do 545 00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:24,583 or what we're supposed to say, but we're here, 546 00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:26,084 fighting for our lives together. 547 00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:27,586 Now doesn't that count for something? 548 00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,922 No. 549 00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:34,476 Why not? 550 00:21:34,477 --> 00:21:36,478 Well, let me answer you this way: Sam, 551 00:21:36,479 --> 00:21:37,479 do you really want to be here? 552 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,980 No. 553 00:21:38,981 --> 00:21:40,482 Oh, what do you mean "no"? 554 00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:42,350 I mean no. I don't want to be here. 555 00:21:42,351 --> 00:21:44,352 I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea. 556 00:21:44,353 --> 00:21:46,354 What do we care if this guy 557 00:21:46,355 --> 00:21:47,355 doesn't think we should get married? 558 00:21:47,356 --> 00:21:49,357 Nobody we know thinks we should get married. 559 00:21:49,358 --> 00:21:53,361 We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we? 560 00:21:53,362 --> 00:21:54,863 All right, 561 00:21:54,864 --> 00:21:56,865 what do you suggest we do? 562 00:21:56,866 --> 00:21:58,366 Nothing. 563 00:21:58,367 --> 00:21:59,367 Oh! 564 00:21:59,368 --> 00:22:01,369 Nothing! 565 00:22:01,370 --> 00:22:03,371 Is that what you're going to do 566 00:22:03,372 --> 00:22:04,873 nothing? 567 00:22:04,874 --> 00:22:06,375 I haven't decided yet. 568 00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:12,932 I've grown to hate them. 569 00:22:31,234 --> 00:22:33,902 That's it. I've died and gone to hell. 570 00:22:33,903 --> 00:22:38,740 Doctor, there's one thing you haven't considered. 571 00:22:38,741 --> 00:22:42,244 Right. Fine. All right. Okay. 572 00:22:42,245 --> 00:22:44,246 Um, Sam, Diane, 573 00:22:44,247 --> 00:22:48,250 you two are perfect together. 574 00:22:48,251 --> 00:22:50,252 I'm sorry I made a mistake, 575 00:22:50,253 --> 00:22:51,753 but I now see that you are 576 00:22:51,754 --> 00:22:55,140 the most perfectly matched couple on the face of the earth. 577 00:22:55,141 --> 00:22:57,058 But, why, why am I telling you this? 578 00:22:57,059 --> 00:23:00,061 Let's, let's share it with the rest of the world, shall we? 579 00:23:00,062 --> 00:23:01,429 Hear this, world, 580 00:23:01,430 --> 00:23:04,232 the rest of you can stop getting married now! 581 00:23:04,233 --> 00:23:06,101 It's been done to perfection! 582 00:23:06,102 --> 00:23:08,069 Envy them, sofa. Envy them, chair. 583 00:23:08,070 --> 00:23:10,572 For you shall never be as cozy as they. 584 00:23:10,573 --> 00:23:13,074 For I guarantee that their marriage 585 00:23:13,075 --> 00:23:16,077 will be a total epoch-shattering success. 586 00:23:16,078 --> 00:23:19,080 And I stake my life on it! 587 00:23:19,081 --> 00:23:22,084 Wait, let, let me put that on record. 588 00:23:24,086 --> 00:23:26,588 I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, 589 00:23:26,589 --> 00:23:28,456 being of sound mind, 590 00:23:28,457 --> 00:23:30,425 declare that Sam and Diane 591 00:23:30,426 --> 00:23:32,928 shall be together throughout all eternity, 592 00:23:32,929 --> 00:23:33,929 and if I am wrong, 593 00:23:33,930 --> 00:23:36,431 I hereby promise that I will take my own life 594 00:23:36,432 --> 00:23:39,435 in the most disgusting manner possible! 595 00:23:41,387 --> 00:23:42,387 Here, take the tape. 596 00:23:42,388 --> 00:23:43,388 No, no, no, no, no! 597 00:23:43,389 --> 00:23:44,856 Take the whole machine. 598 00:23:44,857 --> 00:23:46,858 It's my wedding gift to you... 599 00:23:46,859 --> 00:23:48,226 to you, the most perfect couple 600 00:23:48,227 --> 00:23:51,113 since the dawn of time! 601 00:23:57,620 --> 00:23:59,622 See?