Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I don't know, Eddie.
Try-try under the bed.
Well, if they're not there,
look in the back of the closet,
or behind the dresser,
or in the washing machine.
Yeah, if-if you still can't find them,
call me back.
I swear to God,
that man would lose his head
if it weren't bolted on.
What's, uh... what's up there, Carla?
Eddie wants to take the twins for a walk.
Uh, can't find his shoes, huh?
No, he can't find the twins.
¶ Making your way in the world today ¶
¶ Takes everything you've got
¶ Taking a break from all your worries ¶
¶ Sure would help a lot
¶ Wouldn't you like to get away? ¶
¶ Sometimes you want to go
¶ Where everybody knows your name ¶
¶ And they're always glad you came ¶
¶ You want to be where you can see ¶
¶ Our troubles are all the same ¶
¶ You want to be where everybody knows your name ¶
¶ You want to go where people know ¶
¶ People are all the same
¶ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ¶
Oh. Excuse me.
No, no, it was my fault.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just fine.
But how nice of you to be so completely concerned.
Well, you know, you can't be too careful these days.
Yeah.
So, uh, when's your baby due?
I'm not pregnant.
Oh. Well, then I really am sorry.
Excuse me.
Well, why don't you just watch where you're going then
next time, Buster?!
Sam,
does this outfit make me look
like I've put on a little weight?
The outfit? Uh, yeah, no.
That's what it must be.
Right, yeah.
Turn around. Let me see.
Yeah, blame it on the outfit...
You know, you've been wearing an awful lot
of fat clothes recently, haven't you?
Oh, just shut up, butthead.
She called me a butthead.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Oh, don't worry, Sam.
It only looks that way from the back.
Want another beer, Mr. P.?
Love to, Woody, but
I got to get back to painting Frasier and Lilith's place.
This is the first job anyone's given me
in, like, four months, so I'm not going to do anything
to jeopardize it.
I'm really making an effort this time
to be the kind of dependable professional
that I'd like to have working for me.
See you, Mr. Peterson.
What, Wood?
I said, I'll see you.
Well, damn it, Woody.
Now you made me late, man.
All right, as long as I'm late,
I'll just have another beer, I guess.
Oh, much better.
Yes, much better, yes.
You know, I never thought
our wedding portrait lived there.
Um, where should it go, Ivan?
Here's a spot.
Perfect.
Why clutter a home with mementos?
Did I tell you last night
I programmed myself to dream about your space?
You didn't.
We're thrilled.
Hmm.
To begin with, we lose this wall.
Uh, by lose, do you mean
we redesign it so that it practically disappears,
or lose, we knock it down
so that we're left facing the back of our stove?
Hmm... fret not.
We'll be transforming il cucina into an atrium.
I love this idea.
I adore it.
But what about eating?
I design, I don't eat.
Now, over here I imagine removing the ceiling
and extending the wall up to the second story,
culminating in a skylight to flood the room
with natural illumination.
But, uh...
that's our... that's our bedroom up there.
Is that all you people think about,
eating and sleeping?
Tell me this was a gift.
Doctor, might I have a word with you?
Certainly, Doctor.
How do you feel about Ivan?
Feel? Look,
the man is one of the most famous designers in the city.
He's been written up in every magazine
from Metropolitan Home to HG.
He's got more awards on his shelves
than we have shelves.
I'd like to beat the crap out of him.
Maybe we should let him go.
If that's your final decision, my cherub, I concur.
The heave-ho.
Wait.
At the risk of sounding sexist,
I do believe this is man's work.
It requires a firm hand.
Please feel free to leave the room if you must.
This could get unpleasant.
Sir.
You're too good for us.
Your masterful design
would make our poor little lives
just seem drab by comparison,
and of course, we'll, uh,
see to your severance pay, two weeks?
Six months?
Fine.
I can't tell you what a once-in-a-lifetime thrill
it's been to bask in your talent.
Uh, bye-bye now.
Watch the steps.
Huh.
I only hope he can recover from that tongue lashing.
So, dandelion,
now that you've given away the farm to Ivan,
do you have some Swiss bank account we can empty
to pay another decorator?
Well, I'll go that one better, Dove bar.
I submit that between the two of us,
we have enough taste and intelligence
to redesign our own habitat,
sans outside help.
Bite me, I love you.
I take back my bite.
We suck.
Much better.
Much better!
Pardon me?
Yes, by simply moving that chair,
an intimate conversation area is created,
at the same time, opening up a new traffic pattern
that gives the entire room
a whole new dynamic sense of flow.
Plus, I can spackle behind here.
Of course, if...
if you really want a better shot at the intimate thing,
I'd, uh, take these, uh--
what do you call it-- these Louis Couture's jobbies,
uh, and move them over like so.
Get the table... over this way.
Okay.
Now, this table would have to come
like yea.
Right?
And, uh,
sofa could come around this way.
Of course.
Okay?
Now, uh,
that desk has got to come out of there, you put the piano
into the bay, all right?
That chrome and glass, you put into the harbor.
Uh...
I tell you what.
I'd-I-d move into the warm tones, all right?
Reupholster, redrape, the whole damn thing.
Splash a little bit of paisley around.
Throw down a nice
Bukhara rug.
Top it off with a fine piece or two of chinoiserie,
and we're there.
Well, bite us, Norm, we love you.
So, uh, what do you got in there, Woodski?
Oh, boy.
My Aunt Edna's killer fudge brownies.
Ooh, killers, huh?
Yeah, they're called that because the first time
my Uncle Ford ever smelled them baking,
he came running in from the field and got hit by a combine.
He hung on for a few days.
At the end, he was just praying to die.
Well, eat up, everybody.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
Want a brownie?
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
Moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
You know, Rebecca,
I don't know why you're so, uh, concerned about your figure.
You know, back
in the Renaissance time, uh,
full-figured women were revered.
Get out.
It's true.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Artists would only paint big, voluptuous women.
In fact, that's how they got rid of a lot of their old paint.
You know, speaking
of, uh, weight and stuff,
I got a riddle.
Which is heavier,
a pound of Cliff's brain
or a pound of dead flies?
It's a trick question.
A pound is a pound.
They both weigh the same.
Go ahead, ask me another of Mr. Clavin's brain questions.
Okay, let's see.
Uh..
if you dropped Cliff's brain
and a bowling ball off the top
of the Empire State Building...
Yeah? Yeah?
Well...
Norm, we had to rush over to tell you.
The new window treatment you designed just went up.
It is spectacular.
Are you speaking to another Norm,
or do you have a death wish?
Beg your pardon?
Come on, come on.
You think I want these people to know
I'm an interior decorator?
We're sorry, Norm.
It's just, we simply cannot moderate our approbation.
Well, give it a shot, okay?
But you should be decorating professionally.
Oh, no, no, no. Please.
Doing you folks a favor was one thing.
Any more of this interior decorating junk
could really eat into my reputation
as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.
But, Norm, you have a gift.
Gift?
Try curse, pal.
I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact
that I have a great sense of color,
and I always know where to stick the ottoman.
Oh, it's a pity.
You see, we've just met this new couple,
and they-they need a decorator.
Dearest, Norm has made his feelings clear.
Yes, but they're very well off.
Frasier, it's not a matter of money.
They're willing to pay five figures.
But, Frasier...
Hey, Elvira, back off.
If the left side of Cliff's brain leaves New York
on a train traveling at 65 miles per hour,
and the right side of Cliff's brain leaves L.A. on...
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me get a pencil.
Yeah!
Damn, I am good.
Bring these people on.
I'll wipe up the floor with them.
Who are they, anyhow?
Well, actually, they're friends of friends.
Yeah?
But I have to warn you-- they're the essence of the Y word.
That's the yuppie word for yuppie.
Oh.
Are you implying that I'm a yuppie?
Oh, forgive me, I erred.
If I ever do it again,
you may cut out my tongue and serve it to me in a fajita.
Yup, here we go. Uh-huh.
I'm going to take one last look in the kitchen.
Hi, we were just talking about you!
Kiss-kiss.
Yes, yes.
Sorry we're late.
We couldn't decide
whether to take the Range Rover or the BMW.
Oh but don't keep us in suspense.
The Beamer.
Well, we're all here now-- what fun.
Uh, Kier Royales all around?
Super. That'd be great, Fras.
I can't get over what your decorator
has done with this place.
It's warm, it's solid.
It's real. It's super.
Oh, hi, what's going on?
Hi...
Kim and Robert Cooperman, I'd like you to meet
our decorator, Norman Peterson. Hi.
- How do you do, Norman? - Great.
You know, this is the last cold beer.
We could split it or something?
No, thanks, we're taken care of.
Okay, well, suit yourself, huh?
Sit down everybody.
It's beautiful and functional.
You know, uh, Frasier told me
a little bit about your place,
so I did take the liberty of, uh,
jotting down a few ideas.
Uh... excuse me.
Are those cocktail napkins?
Yeah, I'm sorry, did you need one?
No.
Veggie pâté?
Oh, yes, yes, please.
I'm on empty over here.
Anyway...
I heard your place is pretty modern, you know?
And most of your stuff is kind of gray.
So I thought, maybe, you know,
some, you know, color would be good.
Uh, actually, we hadn't totally sold ourselves
on the concept of change.
Oh.
You could keep, uh,
some of your old stuff, and, you know,
throw in some new stuff, too.
Um...
Fras, uh, could you, uh,
help me with this wall treatment?
Sushi?
I rolled it myself.
What's going on?
I'm dying over here.
Well, it's not you, Norm, it's them. Yeah?
They're narrow-minded, trend-sucking dilettantes,
who insist that...
well, their chefs be French, you know,
that their mechanics be German, and that their designers be...
...stylish.
Ooh.
You mean, stylish.
Very stylish.
'Nough said, Fras.
I'm sorry, Norm.
This could have been a real lucrative job for you.
I don't know what to say.
That's okay, I do.
Um...
Listen, uh,
did I tell you that, uh,
last night, I programmed myself
to dream about your... space?
Miss Howe, I don't mean to insult you,
but you're looking kind of puny.
Have you lost weight?
Is this a setup?
Did Sam tell you to say that?
No, ma'am, I told myself to say it.
Yeah, I'm worried about you, you know?
If you're not careful, you're going to start wasting away,
and pretty soon your ribs will start to show,
like this guy back in Hanover, Kyle Lefferts.
Of course, he'd been dead awhile
when they found him.
Thank you, Woody.
That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
Your hair's been looking kind of ratty, too.
Unfortunately, that's the second nicest thing.
What, no kiss?
No, I've got to weigh myself.
Oh, we got your scale back here.
What's it doing behind the bar?
We needed it to settle an argument
about how much Mr. Clavin's brain weighs.
I think I am in for a pleasant surprise.
Your weight is 162 pounds.
What?!
Have a nice day.
Malone!
Get out here!
I know what you just did!
Congratulations.
Not you, I was talking to...
Forget it.
Okay, okay, look.
Cliff's brain is found murdered in a room.
All the doors and windows are locked.
Good, he's here.
Hello, Norman!
What's going on?
Oh, hi.
No, no, no, let's, uh, let's sit up here.
Um, well, Dick and, uh, Tracy.
How did you ever track me down?
It's the address on the cocktail napkin
you did your sketches on.
You're good.
You know, Norman, we've never been
in a gay bar before.
Yeah. It seems
just like a regular bar.
Oh, honey.
Look at those two.
Anyway, how about some drinks?
All right. Miss?
Oh, uh, no, no, I'll take care of it.
He's kind of touchy since the operation.
Yo, Woodo, uh,
my friends and I need a couple of, uh, white wine spritzers
and a beer... spritzer.
You feeling okay?
Sure, very manly, never more so.
Spritzers á trois on the way.
Thank you.
You know, Norman, we didn't just pop in here on a whim.
We love the work you did on our place so much
that we want you to do our mountain retreat next.
Gee, uh, I-I don't know.
My schedule's kind of...
We know it's an inconvenience, all right,
so can we double your rate?
Only because I love you kids so much.
Listen, if you could scope it out this weekend,
that would be super.
Super.
Super! Super.
I'm glad you can make it,
because we have another friend
who we've been dying for you to meet.
And he's really cute.
Um... he?
Unless somebody's already snapped you up.
Well, yeah, darn it,
I have been snapped up.
By, um...
that fellow over there.
The one who had the operation?
Bite your tongue! No!
No, the, uh, tall hunk
rinsing glasses.
Wa-Wait a minute.
Isn't that Sam Malone, the pitcher?
Oh, I've heard of him.
Didn't he used to play for the Sox?
Uh...
Yes, yeah, but now he plays for me.
Oh.
Oh, man, the guys at the gym are gonna freak!
No, um... Why don't you
bring him over and introduce him to us?
Uh, I think he's probably
a little bit too busy right now,
um...
All right, all right, I'll, I'll get him.
Sam, can I have a word, please?
Yeah, now, come here.
Sam, uh... I need a favor, pal.
Okay, I have these clients,
and they're big fans of yours. Oh.
And, uh, it'd mean a lot
if you could just come over and say hi to them.
Oh, no problem.
Thanks so much, Sammy.
Thanks, bud.
Oh, and uh, one more thing, man, okay?
We're lovers.
Kids, this is Sam Malone.
Sam Malone, this is Kim and Robert Cooperman.
Pleased to meet you.
You sure do make a cute couple.
Just accept the compliment, honey.
Thanks.
I have a confession to make.
We came in here tonight
to try to fix Norman up with another man.
Naughty, naughty.
But since the two of you are together,
how about if the four of us spend the weekend at the cabin?
It'll be a hoot!
Is that good for you, Sam?
What do you mean is it good for me?
It stinks for me, man.
Come on, I can't.
I can't hack this. Don't do this to me.
Listen, I like babe...
I love babes, and babes love me.
Babes.
"Babes" is his pet word for linebackers.
Norman, I pride myself
on being a very perceptive person.
Now, is something amiss?
Yeah.
Sam and I have had a tiff.
Look.
Maybe meeting Michael is just the thing you need.
I mean, he lives right around the corner.
Kim, go call him.
No. No-no-no-no-no, folks, please.
I can't go on with this any longer.
Look, I don't care if it costs me the job.
I got to tell you the truth, okay?
I wanted to be your decorator,
so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be,
but... it's time that I came out of the closet.
I'm straight.
Impossible.
No, no, I-I...
Ever since I was a little boy,
I've known that I preferred girls.
Actually, I'm a guy with a wife.
I mean, uh, I sleep with Vera.
Well, you know, I sleep next to her.
Actually, it's in the room next to her,
but, uh, I do keep the door open.
But the point is, you know,
I think you should judge people for what they do,
not for...
who they do.
You're absolutely right, Norman.
I can't believe we've been the perpetrators
of this kind of discrimination.
We'll see you, Norman.
No, well, listen... Hey, folks,
I could still, you know,
decorate your mountain retreat there.
Kim and I happen to be people of principle, all right?
And we put our trust in you, our faith.
We trusted you with our most prized possession, our home.
And how did you return that trust?
You lied to us, you betrayed us.
You made fools of us.
I could do it for half price.
Here's the key.
There's Perrier in the fridge.
If the neighbors ask, you're a plumber.
Gotcha, can do, can do.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
How 'bout those Celtics, huh?
What, what, what, what?
What?
Norm?
How could you do this to us?
What? Do what?
We're your best friends.
I mean, I can't believe that you didn't feel close enough
to... share this part of your life with us.
This part, what?
Guys, I'm straight, I'm not gay.
No, no.
Who cares about that?
You can get stuff at wholesale.
I need a sofa.
Yeah?
And I could use a lamp.
And, uh, can you get me a deal
on a good Bacca lounger?
All right, all right.
But I have to tell you folks that I am not cheap.
Even for your lover?