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Sit on my face
And tell me that you love me
2
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,031
I'll sit on your face
And tell you I love you too
3
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,717
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs
4
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,110
You blow me away
5
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,511
Sit on my face
And let my lips embrace you
6
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,514
I'll sit on your face
And then I'll love you truly
7
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,194
Life can be fine if we both 69
8
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,000
If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places and play
9
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:54,518
Till we're blown away
10
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:14,631
Hello, good evening and welcome
to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl...
11
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,839
...here in the pretty little L.A. suburb
of Hollywood...
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00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,389
...where we're about
to witness all in wrestling...
13
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...brought to you tonight, ladies and
gentlemen, by the makers of Scum...
14
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:34,112
...the world's first ever combined hair
oil, foot ointment and salad dressing.
15
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,156
And the makers of Titan,
the novelty nuclear missile.
16
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,118
You never know when it will go off.
17
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,351
Surprise your friends,
amuse your enemies...
18
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,670
...start the party with a bang.
19
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,990
Introducing, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight...
20
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:53,155
...all the way from a mud-wrestling tour
of the OPEC countries...
21
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,676
...in the red corner,
Colin "Bomber" Harris.
22
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,150
And ladies and gentlemen,
in the blue corner...
23
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,312
...all the way from a mud-wrestling tour
of the OPEC countries...
24
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,676
...Colin "Bomber" Harris.
25
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,113
Well, now, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the first time...
26
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:18,274
...that Colin "Bomber" Harris
has met himself.
27
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,233
A few formalities now.
Any moment now, we'll be ready...
28
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,074
...for the start of round one.
There goes the bell.
29
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,709
Colin moves
to the middle of the ring there.
30
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,996
He's looking for an opening.
31
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,197
Going for the handhold.
32
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,198
He's got it.
33
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,071
Into the head-squeeze.
A head-squeeze there.
34
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,676
A favourite move of Colin's
at this opening stage. Right now.
35
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:46,799
And already Colin is working on
that weak left knee of his.
36
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:48,834
The half Nelson.
37
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,957
Half Nelson
and a Phlladelphia Half Lotus.
38
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,872
And Colin bit himself
on purpose there.
39
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,600
And he has been given
a public warning by the referee.
40
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,876
And Colin did not like that one little bit.
41
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,957
Double overhead nostril.
42
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,351
Back kick
and into the Boston Crayfish.
43
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,352
No, it's a Crawfish.
Or is it Langoustine?
44
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,717
It's the Langoustine. A lovely move.
He's caught himself by surprise...
45
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,633
...and that is the first fall
to Colin "Bomber" Harris.
46
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,396
Well, a lovely move there.
Colin must be pleased with himself...
47
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,632
...for having caught himself out
with that one. And a forearm chop.
48
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,519
A strawberry whip. A vanilla whip.
49
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,912
Chocolate whip.
There it is, Colin's most famous hold...
50
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,469
...the one-leg,
over-shoulder Gerry Ford.
51
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,870
And Colin's in real trouble.
52
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,915
He's just made it to the rope.
Just a little lucky there. There it is.
53
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,038
A double Eydle Gorme. Should be able
to twist out of this.
54
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,191
And he does
but he's looking pretty groggy.
55
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,159
He's caught himself with two forearm
smashes and that is it.
56
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,199
Colin "Bomber" Harris
has knocked himself out.
57
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,038
And so he is the winner...
58
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,750
...and he goes on next week
to meet himself In the final.
59
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,870
Never be rude to an Arab
60
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:16,558
An Israeli or Saudi or Jew
61
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:23,075
Never be rude to an Irishman
62
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:28,474
No matter what you do
63
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:35,073
Never poke fun at a nigger
64
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:40,110
A spic or a wop or a Kraut
65
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,278
And never poke--
66
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,555
Michelangelo to see you,
Your Holiness.
67
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:03,714
- Who?
- Michelangelo...
68
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,269
...famous Renaissance artist
whose works include...
69
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,876
...the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
and the celebrated statue of David.
70
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,317
- Very well.
- In 1514, he returned to Florence and--
71
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,552
All right, that's enough, that's enough.
They've got it now.
72
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,029
- Good evening, Your Holiness.
- Evening, Michelangelo.
73
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,955
I wanna have a world with you about
this painting of yours, The Last Supper.
74
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,760
- Oh, yeah?
- I'm not happy about it.
75
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:33,312
- Oh, dear. It took me hours.
- Not happy at all.
76
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,357
Is it the Jell-O you don't like?
77
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,471
- No.
- They add a bit of colour, don't they?
78
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,234
Oh, I know.
You don't like the kangaroo.
79
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,755
- What kangaroo?
- No problem, I'll paint him out.
80
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,150
- I never saw a kangaroo.
- He's right at the back.
81
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,039
I'll paint him out, no sweat.
I'll make him into a Disciple.
82
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,590
- All right?
- That's the problem.
83
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,671
- What is?
- The Disciples.
84
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,794
Are they too Jewish?
85
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,670
I made Judas the most Jewlish.
86
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,150
No, it's just that there are 28 of them.
87
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,759
Another will never matter.
I'll make the kangaroo into another.
88
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,355
- No, that's not the point.
- I'll lose the kangaroo.
89
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,399
- I wasn't perfectly happy with it.
- That's not the point.
90
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,551
There are 28 Disciples.
91
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,073
- Too many?
- Well, of course it's too many.
92
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,437
I know that, I wanted to give
the impression of a real Last Supper.
93
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:29,151
You know, not just any old last supper.
Not like a last meal or a final snack.
94
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,709
But, you know, I wanted to give
the impression...
95
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,599
...of a real mother of a blowout,
you know?
96
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:38,151
There were only 12 Disciples
at the Last Supper.
97
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,357
Maybe some of the other ones
came after--
98
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,033
There were only 12 altogether.
99
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,271
- Maybe some of their friends came by.
- Look.
100
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,910
There were just 12 Disciples
and our Lord at the Last Supper.
101
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,230
The Bible clearly says so.
102
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,198
- No friends?
- No friends.
103
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,672
- Waiters?
- No.
104
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,434
- Cabaret?
- No.
105
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,194
I like them. They help flesh out
the scene. I could lose--
106
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,398
Look, there were only 12 Disciples at--
107
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,029
I've got it. I've got it.
108
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,033
We'll call it The Last But One Supper.
109
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,679
- What?
- There must have been one.
110
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,912
If there was a last one, there
must have been a one before that.
111
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,640
So this is the Penultimate Supper.
112
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,314
The Bible doesn't say
how many people were there?
113
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,675
- No.
- There you are, then.
114
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:25,037
Look, the Last Supper Is a significant
event in the life of our Lord.
115
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,316
The penultimate supper was not.
116
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,040
Even if they had a conjurer
and a mariachi band.
117
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:34,273
A Last Supper I commissioned
from you, and a Last Supper I want.
118
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,954
With 12 disciples and one Christ.
119
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,800
- One?
- Yes, one.
120
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,276
Will you please tell me
what possessed you...
121
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:47,432
...to paint this
with three Christs in it?
122
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,830
- It works, mate.
- Works?
123
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,435
Yeah. It looks great.
124
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,637
The fat one balances
the two skinny ones.
125
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,633
There is only one Redeemer.
126
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,918
I know that. We all know that.
What about artistic license?
127
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,357
- Well, one Messiah is what I want.
- I'll tell you what you want, mate.
128
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,830
You want a bloody photographer,
that's what.
129
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,514
- Not a bloody creative artist to flesh--
- I'll tell you.
130
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:14,958
I want a Last Supper with one Christ,
12 Disciples, no kangaroos...
131
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,272
...no trampoline acts
by Thursday lunch...
132
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:19,953
...or you don't get paid.
133
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:25,320
- Bloody fascist.
- Look, I'm the bloody Pope, I am.
134
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,313
May not know much about art,
but I know what I like.
135
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:35,794
Never be rude to a Polack--
136
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:47,071
Hello, and welcome to Munich
for the 27th Silly Olympiad...
137
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,232
...an event held traditionally every
three-point-seven years...
138
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,516
...which has brought
competitors from over...
139
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,557
...4 million different countries.
140
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,075
Here we are at the first event
of the afternoon.
141
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,835
The second semifinal of the 100 yards
for people with no sense of direction.
142
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,071
I'll just give you
the competitors' name once.
143
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,800
Skolomovski of Poland,
Zatapatique of France...
144
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,758
...Gropovich of the United States...
145
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,036
...Drabble of Trinidad,
Fernandez of Spain...
146
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,636
...and in the outside lane,
Bormann of Brazil.
147
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,434
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
148
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,876
And now over to the other end
of the stadium.
149
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:24,396
Here, we're just waiting for the start
of the 1500 metres for the deaf.
150
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,949
And they're under starter's orders.
151
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,317
We'll be coming back the moment
there's action. Over to the swimming.
152
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,949
You join us here at
the Bundesabsurd Pool in time...
153
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,112
...10 see the start of the 200-metres
freestyle for non-swimmers.
154
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,191
Watch for the tough
Australian champion...
155
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,193
...Ron Barnett in the second lane.
156
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,151
We'll bring you back the moment
they start fishing the corpses out.
157
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,915
But now over to Hans Clegg for the
start of the marathon for incontinents.
158
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,356
Well, we've got an enormous entry
for this event.
159
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,034
Forty-four competitors
from 29 different countries.
160
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,919
All of them with
the most superbly weak bladders.
161
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,196
Not a tight sphincter in sight.
162
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,079
Ready to embark nevertheless
on the world's longest race...
163
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:13,958
...and they're just aching to go.
164
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,872
On your mark.
165
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,872
Get set.
166
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,920
And they're off, they're off.
Well, no, no, no.
167
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,394
We're back at the 1500 metres.
168
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,392
The starter is giving
a magnificent show.
169
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:30,633
We've had volleys, rapid bursts
scattered random fire, fusillades firing.
170
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,189
Well, and still he can't get
the buggers moving.
171
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,239
It's enough to make you
chew your own foot off.
172
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,518
And now the high jump. Katerina
Ovelenski for the Soviet Union.
173
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:44,311
But what a jump. What a jump!
That's got to be a record.
174
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:48,838
The 3000-metre steeplechase
for people who think they're chickens.
175
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,911
There's Samuelson
of the United States...
176
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,037
...and over there is Klaus
of East Germany.
177
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,157
A Rhode Island Red
the last three Olympics.
178
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,311
Here's the referee.
He's frightened them.
179
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,471
There's the leader,
Abe Seagull of Canada...
180
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,870
...who went off, got a good start
then settled...
181
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,077
...on the water jump,
and has now gone broody.
182
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,390
We're back with the marathon
for incontinents.
183
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:10,519
There's Polinski of Poland in the lead.
Brewer of Australia has taken over.
184
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,354
There's Laparche in front.
Brewer's got to spend a penny.
185
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,989
There's goes Brewer.
There goes König from Austria.
186
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:20,040
So now it's Alvarez of Cuba followed
by the plucky Norwegian, Bors.
187
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,555
They're in and out like yo-yos.
There's McNaughton.
188
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,393
The Scottish lad can't hold it.
189
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,791
Machlevic. Machlevic of Yugoslavia
has taken over. He can't hold it.
190
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,190
Well, well, these must be
the weakest bladders...
191
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,953
...ever to represent their country.
192
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,875
And now let's have a look back
at what's going on down on stage.
193
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,110
Good evening, ladies and Bruces.
194
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:50,873
- Hello, Bruce.
- Good day, Bruce.
195
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,316
- How are you, Bruce?
- What's all this lot, Bruce?
196
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,598
It's very nice to be here
at the Hollywood Bowl this evening.
197
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,595
We're all philosophy professors from
the University of Woolamaloa, Australia.
198
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,160
Australia, Australia, Australia.
199
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,640
- We love you.
- God bless her.
200
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:12,510
I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce
here teaches Aristotelian philosophy...
201
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,479
...and Bruce here is in charge
of the sheep dip.
202
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,910
- Difficult work.
- It's thirsty work watching this humour.
203
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,550
Bruce, why don't you stick out a few
little free samples from your Esky--?
204
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,358
Give these Americans our precious--?
205
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:29,229
See how awful they are?
Grasping and trying to get things?
206
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,710
You can feel morally superior
and smug.
207
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,440
There's one coming right over there.
Mind out.
208
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,750
A big one.
209
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,072
All right. Now, the reason we do this,
ladles and Bruces...
210
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,915
...is frankly, over here we find
your American beer...
211
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,594
...is a little like making love
in a canoe.
212
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:52,153
- Making love in a canoe?
- It's fucking close to water.
213
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,754
Piss.
214
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,510
We're gonna try and raise the tone
a little here...
215
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,591
...by singing a nice,
intellectual song...
216
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,070
...for those two or three
of you in the audience...
217
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,674
...who understand these things.
218
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,194
So here we go.
219
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:11,639
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
220
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,757
Heidegger,
Heidegger was a boozy beggar
221
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,150
Who could think you under the table
222
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,200
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
223
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:24,672
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
224
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,958
There's nothing Nietzsche
Couldn't teach you
225
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,317
About the raising of the wrist
226
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:36,475
Socrates himself
Was permanently pissed
227
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,554
- How'd you like that? All right?
- Let's hold it a second.
228
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:44,759
I can see some of these Bruces
are in a bit of a playful mood tonight.
229
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,319
Some of the ones
that don't have straws up thelr nose.
230
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,710
Anyway, why don't we do
something rather fun?
231
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,635
Why don't we get some of these guys
to sing? And some sheilas too.
232
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,154
That's wise, I tell you.
233
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,880
- Show them the words.
- Okay. I got the words somewhere.
234
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,314
- Right.
- Ready?
235
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:05,998
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
236
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,197
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy--
237
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,000
- They're a typical Hollywood audience.
- You're right.
238
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,959
The kids are on drugs.
All the adults are on roller skates.
239
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,394
Right on.
240
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,392
Very philosophical, Bruce.
241
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,836
Have we got anything bigger
to put the words up...
242
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,389
...for these
rather short-sighted people?
243
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,356
This is Bruce
from the Biology Department.
244
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,797
- All right. Okay.
- Here are the words. Here we go.
245
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,869
Sorry to have kept you waiting.
I'm afraid my walk...
246
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:58,160
...has become rather sillier recently.
It takes me longer to get to the office.
247
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,675
Now, what was it again?
248
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,514
Well, sir, I have got a silly walk.
249
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,672
And I'd like to obtain government
backing to help me develop it.
250
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,037
I see. Well, may I see
this silly walk of yours?
251
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,474
Yes, certainly.
252
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,635
Yes, I see. That's it, is it?
253
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,837
- Well, yes, that's it.
- Yes, yes, yes.
254
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,597
It's not particularly silly, is it?
I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all.
255
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,913
The right leg merely does a forward,
O'Brien half-turn every alternate step.
256
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,550
Yes, but I feel with a federal grant,
I could make it a lot more silly.
257
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,758
Mr. Stagback, the very real problem
is one of finance.
258
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,070
You see, there's Defence, Education,
Housing...
259
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,117
...Health, Social Security, Silly Walks.
260
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,193
All to get the same.
Last year, the government spent less...
261
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,239
...on Silly Walks than they did
on Industrial Reorganisation.
262
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,995
We were supposed to get 348 million
pounds a year...
263
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,312
...to cover our entire
Silly Walks Programme.
264
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,869
- Coffee?
- Yes, please.
265
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,514
Hello, Mrs. Two-Lumps, could we have
two cups of coffee, please?
266
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,320
- Yes, Mr. Teabag.
- Mad as a hatter.
267
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:30,155
You see, the Israelis already have
a man who can take his left leg off...
268
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,472
...and swallow it with every alternate
step, whereas the Japanese...
269
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,553
...cunning,
electronically-obsessed little--
270
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,356
Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Two-Lumps.
271
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,989
You're very interested in silly walks,
aren't you?
272
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:52,279
- Rather.
- Right. Well, take a look at this.
273
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,790
Oh, I've had a bitch of a morning
in the high court.
274
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,794
Oh, I could stamp my little feet,
the way those counsellors carry on.
275
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,792
- Oh, don't I know it, love?
- Oh, dear.
276
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,952
Objection here, objection there.
277
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,351
That nice policeman
giving his evidence so well.
278
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,591
- Beautiful speaking voice.
- And what a body.
279
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,990
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, very.
280
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,358
Well, after a bit, all I could do
is bang me gavel.
281
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,670
- You what, love?
- I banged me gavel.
282
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,319
- Oh, get away.
- I did.
283
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,036
I did my "silence in court" bit.
If looks could've killed...
284
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,238
...that prosecuting counsel
would have been in for 30 years.
285
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:23,473
- How did your summing up go?
- Oh, actually...
286
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,838
...I did it in my butch voice,
you know?
287
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,799
"What the jury must understand--"
And they loved it.
288
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:36,510
I could see that little curly-headed
foreman of the jury eyeing me.
289
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,796
- Really?
- Oh, yeah, cheeky devil.
290
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,759
I finished up with--
I got really strict.
291
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,038
"The actions of these vicious men
are a violent stain...
292
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,759
...upon the community.
293
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,833
And the full penalty of the law is
scarcely sufficient...
294
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,991
...to deal with their ghastly crimes."
295
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,197
And I waggled me wig.
296
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,078
- Waggled your what?
- I waggled me wig.
297
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:57,992
- Really?
- The only thing I waggled.
298
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,231
Ever so slightly. Stunning effect.
299
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,916
Anyway, I gave him three years.
He only took 10 minutes.
300
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,640
Well, as I said to Melvin Belly
the other day, you know:
301
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,030
"You can put it in the hand
of your attorneys...
302
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,952
...but It'll never stand up In court."
303
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:12,679
I know what you mean.
304
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,034
Good evening.
305
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,272
Tonight on World Forum
we are deeply privileged...
306
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,717
...to have with us Karl Marx,
the founder of modern socialism...
307
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,197
...and author
of the Communist Manifesto.
308
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,996
Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov,
better known to the world as Lenin...
309
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,754
...leader of the Russian Revolution,
writer, statesman...
310
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:51,590
...and father of modern socialism.
Che Guevara...
311
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,353
...the Bolivian guerrilla leader...
312
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,119
...and Mao Tee-Tung, chairman
of the Chinese Communist Party...
313
00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:00,834
...since 1949,
314
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:05,515
And the first question is for you,
Karl Marx.
315
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,194
The Hammers.
316
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:10,557
The Hammers is the nickname
of what English football team?
317
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,953
The Hammers.
318
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,749
No? Well, bad luck, Karl.
It is in fact Westham United.
319
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,436
Now, Che Guevara. Che.
320
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:31,909
Coventry City last won
the English Football Cup in what year?
321
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:38,637
I can throw the question open.
Anybody?
322
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:43,556
Coventry City last won
the English Football Cup in what year?
323
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,191
No? I'm not surprised you didn't
get that. It is in fact a trick question.
324
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,829
Coventry City have never won
the English Football Cup.
325
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,874
So now with the scores all even,
It's on to round two...
326
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,351
...and Lenin, your starter for $10.
327
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:04,516
Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major,
solid-gold hits In the U.S. of A.
328
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,830
What's the name of the biggest?
329
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,838
Jerry Lee Lewis solid-gold biggie.
330
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:18,079
No? Yes, Mao Tse-Tung?
331
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,676
-"Great Balls of Fire"?
- Yes, it was Indeed.
332
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,749
Very well challenged.
We come on to our third round.
333
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,833
Our contestant tonight is Karl Marx...
334
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,119
...and our special prize
is this beautiful lounge suite.
335
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:42,513
Karl has elected to answer questions
on workers' control of factories...
336
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,637
...so here we go with question
number one.
337
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,078
Nervous, Karl? Just a little.
Well, never mind, Karl. Have a go.
338
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,993
The development
of the industrial proletariat...
339
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,800
...is conditioned
by what other development?
340
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,674
The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.
341
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,235
Good, yes, it is indeed.
Well done, Karl.
342
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,040
You're on your way
to your lounge suite.
343
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,157
Now, Karl, number two.
344
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:10,309
The struggle of class against class
is a what struggle?
345
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:14,713
- A political struggle.
- Good. Yes, it is indeed.
346
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,952
Well done, Karl.
One final question...
347
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:21,398
...and that beautiful, non-materialistic
lounge suite will be yours.
348
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:25,519
Ready, Karl? You're a brave man.
Your final question.
349
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,350
Who won the English Football Cup
in 1949?
350
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,557
The workers control the means
of production.
351
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,950
The struggle of the urban proletariat.
352
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,391
No, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers,
who beat Leicester 3-1.
353
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,312
Oh, shit.
354
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,637
Get out of here.
355
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,439
Well, no one leaves this show
empty-handed.
356
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,280
So we're gonna cut off his hands.
357
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,880
Well, now it's talent-spotting time,
ladles and gentlemen.
358
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,920
And please, see if you can spot
any talent in our next competitors.
359
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:59,720
Will you please give a very big hand
and a warm welcome...
360
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:04,158
...to Carl Weetabix and Rita.
361
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:13,396
I'm the urban spaceman, baby
I've got speed
362
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,871
I've got everything I need
363
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,998
I'm the urban spaceman, baby
I couldn't fly
364
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,835
I'm a supersonic guy
365
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,834
I don't need pleasure
I don't feel pain
366
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,271
If you were to knock me down,
I'd just get up again
367
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,910
I'm the urban spaceman, baby
I'm making out
368
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,993
I'm all about
369
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,750
I wake up every morning
With a smile upon my face
370
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,550
My natural exuberance
Spills out all over the place
371
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,236
I'm the urban spaceman
I'm intelligent and clean
372
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,671
Know what I mean?
373
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:57,676
I'm the urban spaceman
As a lover second to none
374
00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:59,558
It's a lot of fun
375
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,429
I never let my friends down,
I've never made a boob
376
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,991
I'm a glossy magazine,
An advert on the tube
377
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,551
I'm the urban spaceman, baby
Here comes the twist
378
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:14,031
I don't exist
379
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:43,957
- Mr. Hilton?
Yes.
380
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,829
You are sole proprietor and owner
of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
381
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,798
I am.
382
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,919
Constable Parrot and I
are from the Hygiene Squad.
383
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:56,957
We'd like to have a word with you...
384
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,431
...about your box of chocolates
entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment.
385
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,109
- Good, yes.
- If I may begin at the beginning.
386
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:05,794
First, there is the Cherry Fondue.
387
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,873
Now, this is extremely nasty.
388
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,793
- But we can't prosecute you for that.
- Agreed.
389
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,231
Next, we have number four.
Crunchy Frog.
390
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:16,720
Yes.
391
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,799
Am I right in thinking
there's a real frog in here?
392
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:21,673
Yes, a little one.
393
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,791
- Is it cooked?
- No.
394
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,479
What, a raw frog?
395
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:30,356
We use only the finest baby frogs,
dew-picked and flown from Iraq.
396
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,557
Cleansed in the finest quality
spring water.
397
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:34,996
Lightly killed and sealed
in a succulent Swiss...
398
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,152
...quintuple-smooth, full-cream,
treble milk chocolate envelope.
399
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,789
And lovingly frosted with glucose.
400
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,833
That's as may be, but it's still a frog.
401
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:45,030
What else would it be?
402
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,271
Well, don't you even
take the bones out?
403
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:51,434
If we took the bones out,
it wouldn't be crunchy, would It?
404
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,354
Constable Parrot ate one of those.
405
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,750
- Would you excuse me a moment, sir?
- Yes.
406
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:02,153
Well, it says Crunchy Frog
quite clearly.
407
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:04,436
Never mind that.
We have to protect the public.
408
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,433
People aren't going to think
there's a real frog in chocolate.
409
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:09,876
The superintendent thought
it was an almond whirl.
410
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,429
They're bound to think
it's some kind of mock frog.
411
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:13,914
Mock frog?
412
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,630
We use no artificial preservatives
or additives of any kind.
413
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:21,276
Nevertheless, I advise you in future
to replace the words "Crunchy Frog"...
414
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:25,798
...with the legend "Crunchy, raw,
un-boned, real, dead frog"...
415
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:27,712
...if you want to avoid prosecution.
416
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:29,194
What about our sales?
417
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,710
I don't give a damn.
We have to protect the public.
418
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,157
Now, what was this one? Number five.
It was number five, wasn't It?
419
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:39,154
Number five, Ram's Bladder Cup.
420
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,510
Now, what kind of confection is this?
421
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:49,679
We use choicest juicy chunks
of fresh Cornish ram's bladder.
422
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:53,037
Emptied, steamed,
flavoured with sesame seeds.
423
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,113
Whipped into a fondue
and garnished with larks' vomit.
424
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,914
- Larks' vomit?
- Correct.
425
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,710
It doesn't say anything down here
about larks' vomit.
426
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:07,357
Yes, It does. On the bottom of the box,
after monosodium glutamate.
427
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,832
I hardly think this is good enough.
It would be more appropriate...
428
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:15,278
...if the box bore a big red label
warning larks' vomit.
429
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,033
Our sales would plummet.
430
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,471
Well, why don't you move into more
conventional areas of confectionary?
431
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,235
Like praline or lime cream--
A very popular flavour, I understand.
432
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:25,629
--or Strawberry Delight?
433
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:29,634
I mean, what's this one?
Cockroach Cluster.
434
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,476
And this? Anthrax Ripple.
435
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,439
And what's this one?
Spring Surprise?
436
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,395
That's our speciallty. Covered
in darkest, velvety smooth chocolate.
437
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:00,198
When you pop it in your mouth...
438
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,797
...stainless steel bolts spring out and
plunge straight through both cheeks.
439
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,515
If people pop a nice chockle
in their mouth...
440
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,513
...they don't expect
to get their cheeks pierced.
441
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:16,275
In any case, it is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat.
442
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,994
I shall have to ask you
to accompany me to the station.
443
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,834
- It's a fair cop.
- And don't talk to the audience.
444
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:43,916
Albatross.
445
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,916
Albatross.
446
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:54,032
- I'd like some.
- Albatross!
447
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:03,438
You're not supposed to be
smoking that.
448
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,560
Albatross. Don't take them.
449
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,236
- What flavour is it? What flavour is it?
- Sea gull sickle.
450
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,277
Well, I'll have a one.
451
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:16,109
Pelican bonbon.
452
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:21,393
- Albatross.
- Could I have two ice creams, please?
453
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,393
I haven't got any ice creams.
I've just got this albatross.
454
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,269
- Albatross.
- What flavour is it?
455
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:32,834
Well, It's an albatross, isn't it?
It's not any bloody flavour.
456
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,469
- Albatross.
- There's got to be some flavour.
457
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,358
- Everything's got flavour.
- All right.
458
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,875
Bloody albatross flavour.
459
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:45,114
Bleeding sea bird bleeding flavour.
Albatross.
460
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:49,114
- You got wafers with it?
- I don't have fucking wafers, you cunt.
461
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:53,353
- It's a fucking albatross, Isn't It?
- Stop that, stop that.
462
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,238
It's filthy.
463
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,392
Come along. Right now, we need you.
The one in the black...
464
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:00,073
...we need you for another skit.
465
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,311
You get off.
You're not even a proper woman.
466
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,869
- Don't oppress me, mate.
- What are you trying to do?
467
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,350
- Avoid registration or something?
- Bleeding sexist.
468
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,956
Just get off.
Come along, we need you for a skit.
469
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,676
No one enjoys a good laugh
more than I do.
470
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:16,753
Except perhaps my wife
and some of her friends.
471
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:20,231
And Capt. Johnson. Come to think of it,
most enjoy a good laugh...
472
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,630
...more than I do,
but that's besides the point.
473
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:24,632
Where's the other person for this skit?
474
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,550
Right.
Do you want to sit in that chair?
475
00:34:27,720 --> 00:34:31,953
And to the skit.
476
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,713
Evening, squire.
477
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:35,678
Good evening.
478
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:41,878
Is your wife a goer?
Know what I mean? Know what I mean?
479
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:44,919
Nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
Say no more.
480
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:52,997
- I beg your pardon.
- Your wife. Does she go? Does she go?
481
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,356
Well, she sometimes has to go, yes.
482
00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:59,752
I bet she does, I bet she does.
Say no more, say no more.
483
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:01,797
Know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
484
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:05,678
- I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
- Oh, follow me, follow me.
485
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:08,559
That's good. That's very good.
A nod's as good as a wink...
486
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,438
...to a blind bat.
487
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:15,478
- Are you selling something?
- Selling, selling. Very good indeed.
488
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,678
You're wicked, you are. Wicked.
489
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,638
Wicked.
490
00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,592
Say no more.
491
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:25,239
But I--
492
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:29,072
So your wife's interested in sport?
493
00:35:29,720 --> 00:35:31,358
She likes sport, yes.
494
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:34,672
I bet she does, I bet she does.
495
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,070
As a matter of fact,
she's very fond of cricket.
496
00:35:37,240 --> 00:35:39,800
She likes games? Likes games?
497
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:42,634
Knew she would. She's been
around a bit. She been around?
498
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,838
She has travelled, yes.
She's from Glendale.
499
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:54,392
Say no more.
500
00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:02,990
Glendale, squire. Say no more, say
no more, say no more, say no more.
501
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:04,639
Well, I--
502
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,074
Is your...?
503
00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:11,711
Is your Glendale wife interested
in photography?
504
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,718
- Photography?
-"Photographs?"...
505
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,269
...he asked him, knowingly.
506
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,269
- Photography?
- Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink...
507
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:21,999
...nudge, nudge, say no more.
508
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:23,912
- Sort of holiday snaps.
- They could be.
509
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:26,879
They could be taken on holiday.
Swimming costumes.
510
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:29,077
Candid, you know?
Candid photography.
511
00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:31,277
No, we don't have a camera.
512
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:33,160
Still.
513
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,717
Look. Are you insinuating something?
514
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:48,200
Oh, no, no, no. Yes.
515
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,070
- Well?
- Well, I mean, you're--
516
00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:54,151
You're a man of the world, aren't you?
517
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,438
- You've been around, you know?
- What do you mean?
518
00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:00,718
Well, I mean, like, you've--
You know, you've, like...
519
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:06,080
...you've done it, you know?
You've slept with a lady.
520
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,119
Yes.
521
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,433
What's it like?
522
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:20,238
Good afternoon and welcome to
a packed Olympic Stadium Munchen...
523
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,911
...for the second leg
of this exciting final.
524
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:29,876
And here come the Germans now,
lead by their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel.
525
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:33,158
They must start favourites.
They've attracted the most attention...
526
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,277
...from the press
with their team problems.
527
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,829
And let's now see their lineup.
528
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,594
The Germans playing four-two-four,
Leibniz in goal.
529
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,115
Back four: Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer
and Schelling.
530
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:45,999
Front-runners: Schiegel, Wittgenstein,
Nietzsche, Heidegger.
531
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,595
And the midfield duo of
Beckenbauer and Jaspers.
532
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:51,434
Beckenbauer obviously a bit
of a surprise there.
533
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:56,356
And here come the Greeks, led off
by their veteran centre half Heraclitus.
534
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,831
Let's look at their team. As you'd
expect, it's a more defensive lineup.
535
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,911
Plato's in goal.
Socrates, a front-runner.
536
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,710
And Aristotle as sweeper.
Aristotle, very much the man in form.
537
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:08,076
One surprise is the inclusion
of Archimedes.
538
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:12,715
Here comes the referee...
539
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,394
...K'ung-fu-tzu, Confucius
and his two linesmen:
540
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:17,437
Saint Augustan
and Saint Thomas Aquinas.
541
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,877
And as the two skippers come together
to shake hands...
542
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:22,997
...we're ready for the start
of this final.
543
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:26,278
The referee, Mr. Confucius,
checks his sound.
544
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,512
And they're off.
Nietzsche and Hegel there.
545
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,720
Jaspers, number seven on the outside.
Wittgenstein there with him.
546
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:36,439
There's Beckenbauer.
547
00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:38,955
Schelling's in there,
Heidegger covering.
548
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:40,793
Schopenhauer.
549
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,430
And now it's the Greeks.
Epicurus, Plotinus number six.
550
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,592
Aristotle. Empedocies of Acragus,
and Democritus with him.
551
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:52,996
There's Archimedes.
Socrates. There he is, Socrates.
552
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,998
Socrates there, going through.
553
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:58,912
There's the ball, there's the ball.
554
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:00,798
We'll be bringing you back to this...
555
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,199
...exciting contest the moment
anything interesting happens.
556
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,429
- Very passable, this. Very passable.
557
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:17,274
Nothing like a good glass of Chateau
de Chasselas, Josiah?
558
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:19,511
Oh, you're right there, Obidiah.
559
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:22,479
Who would have thought
30 years ago...
560
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:25,473
...we'd all be sitting here drinking
Chateau de Chasselas?
561
00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:29,390
We were glad
to have the price of a cup of tea.
562
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:31,233
A cup of cold tea.
563
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,199
- Without milk or sugar.
- Or tea.
564
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:38,914
- In a cracked cup was all.
- Oh, we never used to have a cup.
565
00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:41,993
Woe used to have to drink
out of a rolled up newspaper.
566
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:45,915
The best we could manage
was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
567
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:49,152
But, you know, we were happy
In those days although we were poor.
568
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,119
Because we were poor.
My old dad used to say to me:
569
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,999
-"Money doesn't bring you happiness."
- He was right.
570
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,674
I was happier then and I had nothing.
571
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,719
We used to live in this tiny, old,
tumbledown house...
572
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,030
...with great big holes in the roof.
573
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,157
House?
You were lucky to live in a house.
574
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,596
We used to live in one room,
all 26 of us.
575
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:09,717
No furniture,
half the floor was missing.
576
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:13,510
We were all huddled together
in one corner for fear of falling.
577
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,832
You were lucky to have a room.
We used to live in the corridor.
578
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:20,789
Oh, we used to dream of living
in a corridor.
579
00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:23,597
Would have been a palace to us.
580
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,116
We used to live in an old water tank
on a rubbish tip.
581
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:30,477
We got woke up every morning
by having a load of rotting fish...
582
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,632
...dumped all over us. House?
583
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:36,314
When I say house,
it was just a hole in the ground...
584
00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:40,553
...covered by a sheet of tarpaulin.
But it was a house to us.
585
00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:43,997
We were evicted
from our hole in the ground.
586
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,390
We had to go and live in a lake.
587
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,993
You were lucky to have a lake.
588
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:53,393
There were 150 of us living
in a shoebox In the middle of the road.
589
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:58,357
Cardboard box?
You were lucky.
590
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:03,318
Woe lived for three months in
a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank.
591
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,713
We used to have to get up at 6:00
and clean the newspaper...
592
00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,872
...go to work down the mill,
14 hours a day, week in, week out...
593
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:12,236
...for six pence a week.
And when we got home...
594
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,233
...our dad would thrash us to sleep
with his belt.
595
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:18,472
Luxury.
596
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,710
We used to have to get out of the lake
at 3:00...
597
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:25,077
...clean the lake, eat hot gravel,
work 20 hours a day at the mill...
598
00:41:25,240 --> 00:41:28,119
...for twopence. Dad would
beat us around the head and neck...
599
00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,510
...with a broken bottle if we were lucky.
600
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,357
Well, of course we had it tough.
601
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,634
We used to have to get up
in the middle of the night...
602
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,030
...and lick the road clean
with our tongues.
603
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,554
We had to eat half a handful
of freezing cold gravel...
604
00:41:43,720 --> 00:41:45,677
...work 24 hours a day
for four pence...
605
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,114
...and when we got home...
606
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,794
...our dad would slice us in two
with a bread knife.
607
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,751
Right.
608
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:58,079
I had to get up at 10:00 at night
half an hour before I went to bed.
609
00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:01,198
Eat a lump of cold poison,
work 29 hours a day down mill...
610
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,510
...and pay mill owner
for permission to work...
611
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:05,990
...and when we got home,
our dad would kill us...
612
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:09,357
...and dance about on our graves,
singing "Hallelujah."
613
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:14,317
And you try and tell
the young people of today that...
614
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,040
-...and they won't believe you.
- No, they won't.
615
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:24,718
There may be no score,
but there's no lack of excitement here.
616
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:28,430
As you can see, Nietzsche has just been
booked for arguing with the referee.
617
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:31,638
He accused Confucius of having
no free will and Confucius, he say:
618
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:33,074
"Name go in box."
619
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:35,914
And this is Nietzsche's third booking
in four games.
620
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:39,993
And who's that? It's Karl Marx.
Karl Marx is warming up.
621
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:43,516
It looks as though there's going to be
a substitution on the German side.
622
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:47,071
Obviously, manager Martin Luther
has decided on all-out attackers.
623
00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:49,880
Indeed he must with only two minutes
of the match to go.
624
00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:52,031
The question is,
who is he going to replace?
625
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,999
Who's gonna come off?
Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer.
626
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:57,754
But it's Wittgenstein who saw his aunty
only last week.
627
00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:01,197
Here's Marx. Let's see if he can
put some life into this German attack.
628
00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:03,556
Evidently not. What a shame.
629
00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:06,314
Now we've just over a minute left.
A replay on Tuesday...
630
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:08,949
...looks absolutely vital.
And there Archimedes.
631
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,599
And I think he's had an idea.
632
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,320
Eureka!
633
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:17,312
Archimedes out to Socrates.
Socrates back to Archimedes.
634
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,949
Archimedes out to Heraclitus.
He beats Hegel.
635
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,839
Heraclitus, a little flick,
here he comes on the far post.
636
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:24,877
Socrates is there. Socrates heads it in!
637
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,873
Socrates has scored.
The Greeks are going mad.
638
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:31,078
The Greeks are going mad.
What a beautiful cross from Archimedes.
639
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:33,470
The Germans are disputing it.
Hegel is arguing...
640
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:36,996
...that the reality is merely an a priori
adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics.
641
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:40,949
Kant is holding that, ontologically,
it exists only in the imagination.
642
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:44,915
And Marx is claiming it was offside.
But Confucius blows the final whistle.
643
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,710
It's all over. Germany having trounced
England's famous midfield trio:
644
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:50,917
Bentham, Locke and Hobbes
in the semifinal...
645
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:54,471
...have been beaten by the odd goal.
And let's see it again.
646
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:58,036
There it is. Socrates heads it in
and Leibniz doesn't have a chance.
647
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,397
And just look
at those delighted Greeks.
648
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:05,076
There they are, "Chopper" Socrates,
Empedocles of Acragus.
649
00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:07,151
What a game he had.
650
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:10,119
And Epicurus is there.
And Socrates, the captain...
651
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:13,989
...who scored what was probably
the most important goal of his career.
652
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:26,798
Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?
653
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:29,554
Yes, I'd like to have an argument,
please.
654
00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:36,954
Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?
655
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,111
- No, this is my first time.
- I see.
656
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,590
Well, do you want to have
Just one argument...
657
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:43,717
...or were you thinking
of taking a course?
658
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,871
- Well, what is the cost?
- Yes.
659
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:48,600
It's one pound
for a five-minute argument...
660
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:51,149
...but only eight pounds
for a course of 10.
661
00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:53,357
I'll just try the one
and see how it goes.
662
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:59,038
- Fine. Yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.
- Thank you very much.
663
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:03,720
- What do you want?
- Well, I--
664
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:04,870
Don't give me that.
665
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,031
- Snotty heap of parrot droppings.
- What?
666
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,670
Shut your festering gob, you tit.
Your type make me puke...
667
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,400
...you vacuous, toffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert.
668
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:15,756
Listen, I came here
for an argument. I--
669
00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:17,479
Oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse.
670
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:21,838
- Oh, I see. Terribly sorry.
- No, you want Room 12A, next door.
671
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:25,470
- I see. Thank you very much.
- Not at all.
672
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:28,237
Stupid git.
673
00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:33,039
Is this the right room
for an argument?
674
00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:36,192
- I've told you once.
- No, you haven't.
675
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:37,998
- Yes, I have.
- When?
676
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:39,833
- Just now.
- No, you didn't.
677
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:41,274
- Yes, I did.
- You didn't.
678
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:43,590
- I did.
- No. You must certainly did not.
679
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,115
Is this the five-minute
argument or the half-hour?
680
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,432
- I see. Just the five minutes.
- Just the five minutes. Right.
681
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:51,238
Thank you.
682
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,357
- Anyway, I did.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
683
00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:56,319
Let's get one thing absolutely clear.
I definitely told you.
684
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:59,552
- No, you didn't. No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
685
00:45:59,720 --> 00:46:02,030
- No, you didn't. No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did. I did.
686
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,476
- No. No. No, you didn't.
- Yes. Yes. Yes, I did.
687
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:06,711
Look, this Isn't an argument.
688
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,109
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
689
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:09,679
- It's contradiction.
- It isn't.
690
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,956
- It is. You just contradicted me.
- I did not.
691
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:13,679
- You did just then.
- No, no, no.
692
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:15,990
- Nonsense.
- Oh, this is futile.
693
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:19,796
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
694
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:21,792
- I came here for a good argument.
- No.
695
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:24,952
- You came here for an argument.
- An argument isn't contradiction.
696
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:26,599
Well, can be.
697
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:29,149
No, an argument is a series
of statements intended...
698
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:31,391
-...to establish a proposition.
- No, it isn't.
699
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,473
- Yes. It isn't just contradiction.
- Look, if I argue with you...
700
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:36,392
...I must take up a contrary position.
701
00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:38,517
Yes, it isn't just saying,
"No, it isn't."
702
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:42,389
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't. No, it isn't. No, it isn't.
703
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:44,233
Argument is an intellectual process.
704
00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:47,438
Contradiction is automatic gainsaying
of anything the person says.
705
00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:49,398
- It is not. Not at all.
- It is.
706
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:51,756
- Now, look--
- Thank you, good morning.
707
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:56,798
- What?
- That's it. Good morning.
708
00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,510
- But I was just getting interested.
- I'm sorry. The five minutes is up.
709
00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:03,149
- That was never five minutes.
- I'm afraid it was.
710
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:04,913
Oh, no, it wasn't.
711
00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:09,591
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed
to argue anymore.
712
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:10,750
What?
713
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:13,753
If you want to go on,
you'll have to pay for another five.
714
00:47:13,920 --> 00:47:15,593
That was never five minutes
Just now.
715
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,471
Oh, come on.
716
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:23,557
- Ridiculous.
- If you want me to go on...
717
00:47:23,720 --> 00:47:25,438
...pay for another five minutes.
718
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:28,352
Oh, all right.
719
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:32,277
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
720
00:47:33,240 --> 00:47:34,560
Well?
721
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:38,676
- Well, what?
- That was never five minutes.
722
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:41,593
If you want me to go on,
pay for another five minutes.
723
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:43,671
Yes, yes, well, I've just paid.
724
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:45,069
No, you didn't.
725
00:47:45,240 --> 00:47:47,709
- I did. I did. I did.
- You did not. You did not.
726
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,996
- You never did. You never did.
- I did. I did.
727
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:53,471
- We're not going to argue about this.
- I'm very sorry, but you didn't.
728
00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:57,355
Well, if I didn't pay,
why are you arguing?
729
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:00,879
Gotcha.
730
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:05,514
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.
731
00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:09,071
- If you're arguing, I must have paid.
- Not necessarily.
732
00:48:09,240 --> 00:48:10,913
I could be arguing in my spare time.
733
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:13,399
- I've had enough.
- You haven't.
734
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:18,873
- Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
- No, you haven't. No, you haven't.
735
00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:26,592
I've got two legs from my hips
To the ground
736
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:30,674
And when I lift them
They walk around
737
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:34,151
And when I lift them
They climb the stairs
738
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:39,190
And when I shave them
They ain't got hairs
739
00:48:56,440 --> 00:49:02,152
How sweet to be an idiot
740
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:07,599
As harmless as a cloud
741
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:11,152
Too small to hide the sun
742
00:49:11,320 --> 00:49:13,675
Almost poking fun
743
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:18,550
At the warm but insecure
Untidy crowd
744
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:24,350
How sweet to be an idiot
745
00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:30,280
And dip my brain in joy
746
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:36,356
Children laughing at my back
with no fear of attack
747
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:40,115
As much retaliation as a toy
748
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:46,676
How sweet to be an idiot
749
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:49,397
How sweet
750
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:04,398
I tiptoe down the street
Smile at everyone I meet
751
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:18,358
But suddenly a scream
Smashes through my dream
752
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:23,630
I smell the blood of an asylum
753
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:26,599
Hey you, you're such a pedant
754
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:29,479
You got as much brain
as a dead ant
755
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:33,235
As much imagination
As a caravan site
756
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,429
But I still love you
757
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:40,270
Still love you
758
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:45,836
How sweet to be an idiot
759
00:50:46,600 --> 00:50:49,433
How sweet
760
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:52,911
How sweet
761
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:59,710
How sweet
762
00:52:21,520 --> 00:52:25,229
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
763
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:29,712
Have you come to arrange a holiday
or would you like a blowjob?
764
00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:34,830
I'm sorry?
765
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:38,436
- Oh, you've come to arrange a holiday.
- Yes.
766
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:39,999
Sorry, sorry.
767
00:52:40,160 --> 00:52:43,835
Now, where were you thinking
of going?
768
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:47,398
- To India. Yes.
- One of our adventure holidays.
769
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:48,834
- Yes, that's right.
- Well...
770
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,638
...you'd better see Mr. Bounder.
771
00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:54,509
Mr. Bounder, this gentleman's
interested in the India overland...
772
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:56,353
...and nothing else.
773
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:04,270
- Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure.
- Oh, hello...
774
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:05,919
...my name's Smoketoomuch.
775
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:08,796
- What?
- My name is Smoketoomuch.
776
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:10,837
- Mr. Smoketoomuch.
- Well...
777
00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:13,719
...you'd better cut down a little, then.
778
00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:22,437
- I'm sorry?
- You'd better cut down a little, then.
779
00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:28,634
Oh, I see. I smoke too much,
so I'd better cut down a little, then.
780
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:33,076
Yes. I bet you get people making jokes
about your name all the time.
781
00:53:33,240 --> 00:53:37,916
No, actually, It never struck me before.
Smoketoomuch.
782
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:43,760
Anyway, you're interested
in one of our holidays?
783
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:46,878
Yes, that's right. I saw your advert
in the "blassifled" ads.
784
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:50,434
- The what?
- In The Times' "blassifled" ads.
785
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:52,511
The Times' classified ads?
786
00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:55,672
Yes, that's right.
I'm afraid I have a speech impediment.
787
00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:57,717
I can't pronounce the letter B.
788
00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:00,998
- C.
- Yes, that's right, B.
789
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:04,791
It's all due to a trauma I suffered
when I was a "sboolboy."
790
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:07,190
I was attacked by a Siamese bat.
791
00:54:08,160 --> 00:54:11,073
- A Siamese cat.
- No, a Siamese bat.
792
00:54:11,240 --> 00:54:13,117
They're more dangerous.
793
00:54:13,720 --> 00:54:17,839
- Listen, can you say the letter K?
- Oh, yes.
794
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:22,870
Khakl, kettle, Kipling, Khomeini,
Kellogg's "Born" Flakes.
795
00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:27,511
Well, why don't you say the letter K
Instead of the letter C?
796
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:31,795
What, you mean,
pronounce "blassifled" with a K?
797
00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:33,871
Yes, absolutely.
798
00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,232
- Classified.
- Good.
799
00:54:36,880 --> 00:54:39,474
Oh, that's very good.
I never thought of that before.
800
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:42,311
What a silly "bunt.”
801
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:47,873
- Now then, about the holiday. We have--
- Yes, well...
802
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,111
...I've been on package tours
many times.
803
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:52,590
- Your advert really "baught" my eye.
- Jolly good.
804
00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:55,878
What's the point if you're
just gonna be treated like a sheep?
805
00:54:56,040 --> 00:54:59,510
Carted around in buses, surrounded by
oafs from Kettering and "Boventry.”
806
00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:01,478
- Absolutely--
- Their "bloth baps"...
807
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:04,359
...their "bardigans" and radios,
"bomplaining" about tea...
808
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:06,397
...they don't make it properly,
do they?
809
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:09,154
And stopping at endless
bodegas selling fish and chips...
810
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:12,278
...and Watney's Red Barrel
and calamaris and two veg.
811
00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:13,839
Sitting in their sun frocks...
812
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,514
...squirting Timothy White's
sun cream over puffy...
813
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:20,071
...raw, swollen, purulent flesh because
they overdid it on the first day.
814
00:55:20,240 --> 00:55:22,516
- I know.
- And being herded into wilderness...
815
00:55:22,680 --> 00:55:25,672
...Hotel Miramars, and Bellevueses,
and "Bontinentals."
816
00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:27,911
Their international luxury
modern roomettes.
817
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:31,710
Pools full of draught Red Barrel.
Fat German businessmen pretending...
818
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:33,678
...to be acrobats
and forming pyramids.
819
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:35,877
Frightening children
and barging into queues.
820
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:37,838
If you're not at your table
spot-on 7...
821
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:40,435
...you miss your
Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup...
822
00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:42,876
...the first in the menu
of international cuisine.
823
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:45,759
- Absolutely. Now--
- Thursday night, there's cabaret...
824
00:55:45,920 --> 00:55:49,629
...featuring some tiny,
emaciated dago with 9-inch hips...
825
00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:52,713
...and some fat, bloated tart
with her hair Brylcreemed down...
826
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:55,315
...and a big ass presenting
flamenco for foreigners.
827
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:57,232
- Be quiet.
- Adenoidal typists...
828
00:55:57,400 --> 00:56:00,916
...from Birmingham with flabby legs
and dlarrhoea trying to pick up hairy...
829
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:02,991
...bandy-legged wop waiters
called Manuel.
830
00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:05,720
Once a week there's an excursion
to the Roman remains.
831
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:07,917
You buy cherryade
and melted ice cream.
832
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:09,912
- Quiet. Shut up.
- Watley's Red Barrel.
833
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:13,755
One night they take you to a restaurant
with local atmosphere and colour.
834
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:16,116
You st next to a party from Rhyl
who sing:
835
00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:18,510
I love the Costa Brava
I love the Costa Brava
836
00:56:18,680 --> 00:56:20,273
Shut up.
837
00:56:22,240 --> 00:56:24,709
You get cornered
by some drunken greengrocer...
838
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:27,952
...with an instamatic camera
and last Tuesday's Daily Express.
839
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:32,000
He goes on about how Ian Smith
should be running the country...
840
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:34,674
...and how many languages
Margaret Powell can speak.
841
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:36,672
She throws up
all over the Cuba Libres.
842
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:39,070
Then spending four days
at Luton Airport...
843
00:56:39,240 --> 00:56:41,436
...on a five-day package tour.
Nothing to eat...
844
00:56:41,600 --> 00:56:43,830
...but dry,
British Airways-type sandwiches.
845
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:47,436
You can't get Watley's Red Barrel.
In England, the bloody bar closes...
846
00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:48,954
...every time you're thirsty.
847
00:56:49,120 --> 00:56:52,317
The kids are crying and vomiting
and breaking the plastic ashtrays.
848
00:56:52,480 --> 00:56:54,630
They keep telling you
it'll only be an hour.
849
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:56,757
You know your plane
is still in Iceland.
850
00:56:56,920 --> 00:56:58,797
They had to turn back and take--
Shut up.
851
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:00,792
--Take a party of Swedes
to Yugoslavia...
852
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,679
...before they load you up at 3 a.m.
in the morning.
853
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:07,071
You sit on the tarmac because
there are unforeseen difficulties...
854
00:57:07,240 --> 00:57:10,278
...i.e. the permanent strike
of air-traffic control over Paris.
855
00:57:10,440 --> 00:57:12,272
When you finally get
to Málaga airport...
856
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:14,556
...everybody's queuing
for the bloody toilet.
857
00:57:14,720 --> 00:57:16,916
Queuing for the bloody armed
customs officers...
858
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:18,673
...for the bus that isn't there...
859
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:21,719
...waiting to take you
to the hotel that hasn't been built.
860
00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:24,554
When you finally get to the half-built
Algerian ruin...
861
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:27,712
...called the Hotel Del Sol,
by paying half your holiday money...
862
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:31,077
...to a licensed bandit in a taxi,
there's no water in the pool...
863
00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:33,675
...no water in the bog,
no water in the taps...
864
00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:37,231
...there's only a lizard in the bidet
and the rooms are double-booked.
865
00:57:37,400 --> 00:57:40,199
You can't sleep because
of the permanent, 24-hour drilling...
866
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:42,397
...of the foundations
of the hotel next door.
867
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:45,359
Meanwhile, the Spanish National
Tourist Board promises you...
868
00:57:45,520 --> 00:57:47,113
...the raging cholera epidemic...
869
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:49,510
...is merely a mild outbreak
of Spanish tummy...
870
00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:51,910
...rather like the previous outbreak
in 1660.
871
00:57:52,080 --> 00:57:54,640
Even the bloody rats are dying
from it.
872
00:57:56,520 --> 00:58:00,229
As early as the late 14th century...
873
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:03,597
...or indeed as late
as the early 14th century...
874
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:05,831
...the earliest forms of jape
were divisible--
875
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:08,594
Meanwhile, the Guardia are busy
arresting 16-year-olds...
876
00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:10,159
...for kissing in the street.
877
00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:12,596
And finally,
the last day in the airport lounge...
878
00:58:12,760 --> 00:58:16,151
...everybody's buying little, awful,
horrid donkeys with their names on...
879
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:18,516
...and bullfight posters
with their names on...
880
00:58:18,680 --> 00:58:21,798
...like Antonio and Mr. Brian Pules
of Norwich.
881
00:58:21,960 --> 00:58:24,236
And then finally, when you get
to bloody Luton...
882
00:58:24,400 --> 00:58:29,554
...the flight's grounded for four hours
till they find a plane to take you back.
883
00:58:29,720 --> 00:58:31,631
And when you finally
get to Manchester...
884
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:35,680
...there's only another bloody bus
you have to wait 60 years for.
885
00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:42,479
As early as the late 14th century...
886
00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:45,519
...or indeed as late
as the early 14th century...
887
00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:47,193
...the earliest forms of jape...
888
00:58:47,360 --> 00:58:51,752
...were divisible into the two categories
into which I now intend to divide them.
889
00:58:51,920 --> 00:58:56,278
The earliest manifestation of the basic,
simple precipitation jest incurred...
890
00:58:56,440 --> 00:58:58,511
...as will be seen
from the demonstration...
891
00:58:58,680 --> 00:59:04,710
...a disproportional amount of internal
risibility on the part of the operator.
892
00:59:22,080 --> 00:59:23,957
The secondary
precipitation occurs...
893
00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:28,034
...when both protagonist and dupe
are located indoors.
894
00:59:28,200 --> 00:59:30,476
It is true, however,
that this has involved...
895
00:59:30,640 --> 00:59:33,917
...the development
of a special piece of machinery.
896
00:59:34,080 --> 00:59:39,678
But it is still no more than a simple
variation of primary precipitation.
897
01:00:01,160 --> 01:00:03,834
The opening up
of the African continent...
898
01:00:04,040 --> 01:00:08,876
...revealed a vast new source
of wealth for humourous exploitation.
899
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:11,357
We are to see demonstrated...
900
01:00:11,520 --> 01:00:16,356
...how this was adapted
to the basic precipitation jape.
901
01:00:54,560 --> 01:00:58,076
We now come on to a considerate--
902
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:26,911
We now come on
to a consideration...
903
01:01:27,080 --> 01:01:30,630
...of the more sophisticated
transitive mode of japing.
904
01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:36,193
In which, as we'll observe, the operator
or inceptor remains totally unaware...
905
01:01:36,360 --> 01:01:40,115
...of the humourous implications
of his action.
906
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:51,432
First, we are to see
the simple sideswipe or whop.
907
01:01:53,080 --> 01:01:55,754
Hey, Vance.
908
01:02:03,360 --> 01:02:07,513
Next, the sideswipe and return.
909
01:02:07,680 --> 01:02:10,513
Hey, Vance.
910
01:02:20,160 --> 01:02:25,394
And now,
the double-sideswipe and return.
911
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:33,310
Hey, Vance.
912
01:02:47,360 --> 01:02:50,000
Popular as this jest has always been,
however...
913
01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:52,549
...it cannot compare
with the ribald connotations...
914
01:02:52,720 --> 01:02:57,237
...associated with the dispatch
of an edible missile.
915
01:03:05,120 --> 01:03:11,913
First, the simple straightforward
offensive deposit.
916
01:03:27,160 --> 01:03:33,759
Second, the simple
sideways offensive deposit.
917
01:03:44,160 --> 01:03:48,438
Next, the simple surprise deposit.
918
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:09,870
And now the foul pie.
919
01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:23,592
Could we have new pies, please?
920
01:04:41,640 --> 01:04:47,033
Finally, we move on to the interesting
but little-known variant...
921
01:04:47,200 --> 01:04:51,956
...nominally designated
the three-course complex.
922
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:14,710
But finally, we must not forget...
923
01:05:14,880 --> 01:05:18,510
...the enjoyment, the satisfaction
and the edification...
924
01:05:18,680 --> 01:05:21,752
...to be derived from the simple,
straightforward...
925
01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:27,233
...sideways,
completely unexpected deposit.
926
01:05:35,200 --> 01:05:39,990
Once upon a time, there was
a little house in a dark forest.
927
01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:45,360
In this house,
lived a humble woodcutter and his wife.
928
01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:51,911
And their pretty daughter,
Little Red Riding Hood.
929
01:06:05,760 --> 01:06:10,880
And in the middle of this deep,
dark forest, there lived a vicious wolf.
930
01:06:17,320 --> 01:06:20,631
One day, Little Red Riding Hood
set off to take some things...
931
01:06:20,800 --> 01:06:25,670
...to her old grandmother
who lived deep in the forest.
932
01:06:39,680 --> 01:06:43,674
The vicious wolf saw
Little Red Riding Hood and thought:
933
01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:47,834
"She looks very good to eat.
934
01:06:49,480 --> 01:06:54,236
Where are you going, my pretty one?"
935
01:06:55,000 --> 01:06:57,355
"Oh, kind sir. To my grandmother's."
936
01:06:59,320 --> 01:07:00,913
Smirked the wicked wolf.
937
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:05,438
And dashed off through the forest
to Grandmother's house.
938
01:07:06,880 --> 01:07:10,555
Knock, knock, knock
went the wicked wolf.
939
01:07:10,720 --> 01:07:12,279
The door opened wide.
940
01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:14,511
But it wasn't Grandmother
who opened it.
941
01:07:14,680 --> 01:07:19,675
It was Buzz Aldrin,
America's number two spaceman.
942
01:07:21,160 --> 01:07:23,390
For this was not
Granny's little house at all...
943
01:07:23,560 --> 01:07:28,680
...but the headquarters of NASA,
the American space research agency.
944
01:07:29,840 --> 01:07:33,549
The wicked wolf
was shot by security guards.
945
01:07:35,160 --> 01:07:39,393
So all was quiet in the forest again.
946
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:42,392
The humble woodcutter
and his wife...
947
01:07:42,560 --> 01:07:47,794
...sold their story to Der Spiegel
for 40,000 Deutschmarks.
948
01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:52,637
NASA agreed to limit the number of
nuclear tests in Granny's little house...
949
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:57,192
...to two on Thursdays
and one on Saturdays after tea.
950
01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:04,798
Liberal rubbish.
951
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:08,316
What do you want
with your jugged fish, Klaus?
952
01:08:09,360 --> 01:08:11,636
Pardon, my wide-thighed plum?
953
01:08:11,840 --> 01:08:16,630
What do you want with
your jugged fish, you cloth-eared git.
954
01:08:16,840 --> 01:08:18,433
Halibut.
955
01:08:18,600 --> 01:08:20,671
A jugged fish is halibut.
956
01:08:20,880 --> 01:08:25,829
All right. Well, what fish do you have
that is not jugged?
957
01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:27,638
Rabbit.
958
01:08:28,280 --> 01:08:30,396
What, rabbit fish?
959
01:08:30,600 --> 01:08:33,240
Nice, all covered in fur.
960
01:08:33,440 --> 01:08:34,999
Well, is it dead?
961
01:08:35,200 --> 01:08:38,955
Well, it was coughing up blood
last night.
962
01:08:39,680 --> 01:08:42,911
All right. I'll have
the dead, unjugged, rabbit fish.
963
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:49,551
- Appalling.
- You're always complaining.
964
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:50,994
What's for afterwards?
965
01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:57,031
Well, there's rat pie, rat pudding,
rat sorbet...
966
01:08:57,200 --> 01:09:00,352
...or strawberry tart.
967
01:09:00,560 --> 01:09:02,278
Strawberry tart?
968
01:09:02,480 --> 01:09:05,791
Well, it's got some rat in it.
969
01:09:06,800 --> 01:09:10,589
- How much?
- Six.
970
01:09:11,000 --> 01:09:13,355
Rather lot, really.
971
01:09:13,560 --> 01:09:16,393
I'll have a slice
without so much rat in it.
972
01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:24,876
Appalling.
973
01:09:25,480 --> 01:09:28,518
Moan, moan, moan.
974
01:09:28,720 --> 01:09:31,394
- Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad.
- Hello, son.
975
01:09:31,600 --> 01:09:34,479
There's a dead bishop on the landing.
976
01:09:34,640 --> 01:09:36,995
- Where is he from?
- What do you mean?
977
01:09:37,160 --> 01:09:39,071
What's his diocese?
978
01:09:39,280 --> 01:09:41,351
Well, he looked
a bit Canterbury-ish to me.
979
01:09:41,560 --> 01:09:42,709
I'll go and have a look.
980
01:09:42,880 --> 01:09:44,871
I don't know who keeps
bringing them here.
981
01:09:45,040 --> 01:09:46,110
Well, it's not me.
982
01:09:46,280 --> 01:09:48,749
I put three out by the trash cans
last week.
983
01:09:48,920 --> 01:09:51,116
The garbage men won't touch them.
984
01:09:51,280 --> 01:09:53,191
It's the bishop of Leicester.
985
01:09:53,360 --> 01:09:56,432
- How do you know?
- Tattooed on the back of his neck.
986
01:09:57,200 --> 01:09:58,793
1 think I'd better call the police.
987
01:09:58,960 --> 01:10:01,520
- Shouldn't you call the church?
- Call the church police.
988
01:10:01,680 --> 01:10:03,478
That's a good idea.
989
01:10:03,680 --> 01:10:07,275
The church police.
990
01:10:10,440 --> 01:10:11,589
Hello, hello, hello.
991
01:10:29,640 --> 01:10:32,234
What's all this, then? Amen.
992
01:10:32,440 --> 01:10:36,752
- Are you the church police?
- Oh, yes.
993
01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:40,151
There's another dead bishop
on the landing, vicar-sergeant.
994
01:10:40,360 --> 01:10:42,920
Detective-parson, madam.
995
01:10:43,520 --> 01:10:46,717
- What Is It, R.C. or C. of E.?
- How should I know?
996
01:10:46,920 --> 01:10:49,878
Tattooed on the back of their neck.
997
01:10:50,040 --> 01:10:51,838
Here.
998
01:10:52,000 --> 01:10:55,470
Is that rat tart?
999
01:10:58,040 --> 01:10:59,997
Yes.
1000
01:11:02,200 --> 01:11:03,952
Disgusting. Right, men.
1001
01:11:04,120 --> 01:11:08,000
The hunt is on.
Let us kneel In prayer.
1002
01:11:08,160 --> 01:11:09,309
Oh, Lord.
1003
01:11:09,480 --> 01:11:12,518
Oh, Lord. We beseech thee.
1004
01:11:12,680 --> 01:11:17,436
Tell us who croaked
the bishop of Leicester.
1005
01:11:29,040 --> 01:11:33,477
The one in the braces. He done it.
1006
01:11:40,520 --> 01:11:44,479
- It's a fair cop, but society is to blame.
- Right. We'll arrest them instead.
1007
01:11:44,640 --> 01:11:49,874
Come on, you. Are you in society?
Are you in society?
1008
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:53,837
Right. We'd like to conclude
this arrest with an hymn.
1009
01:12:03,840 --> 01:12:07,470
I never wanted to be
in such a shambolic sketch.
1010
01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:17,396
I always wanted to be a lumberjack.
1011
01:12:23,680 --> 01:12:26,911
Leaping from tree to tree.
1012
01:12:27,800 --> 01:12:33,512
As they float down
the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
1013
01:12:33,680 --> 01:12:39,756
The larch, the redwood,
the mighty sequoia.
1014
01:12:39,920 --> 01:12:43,595
With my best girl by my side.
1015
01:12:44,520 --> 01:12:47,990
The giant deadwood, the spruce.
1016
01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:53,113
The little Californian rude tree.
1017
01:12:54,200 --> 01:12:59,149
We sing, sing, sing.
1018
01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:06,672
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day
1019
01:13:06,840 --> 01:13:12,040
He's a lumberjack and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day
1020
01:13:12,200 --> 01:13:17,354
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory
1021
01:13:17,520 --> 01:13:23,152
On Wednesdays, I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea
1022
01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:28,389
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory
1023
01:13:28,600 --> 01:13:34,118
On Wednesdays, he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea
1024
01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:39,400
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day
1025
01:13:39,600 --> 01:13:44,720
I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wildflowers
1026
01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:50,432
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars
1027
01:13:50,600 --> 01:13:55,549
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps
He likes to press wildflowers
1028
01:13:55,720 --> 01:14:02,239
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?
1029
01:14:03,080 --> 01:14:07,631
--A lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day
1030
01:14:07,800 --> 01:14:12,920
I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra
1031
01:14:13,080 --> 01:14:18,678
I wish I'd been a girly
Just like my dear papa
1032
01:14:18,840 --> 01:14:23,516
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspenders and a bra?
1033
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:29,596
What kind of goddamn pervert are you?
You lousy, commie, fairy, faggot.
1034
01:14:31,920 --> 01:14:37,518
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I work all day
1035
01:14:37,720 --> 01:14:42,635
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay