Downloaded from YTS.MX
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**
* Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans *
* Way back up in the woods among the evergreens *
* There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood *
* Where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode *
* Who never ever learned to read or write so well *
* But he could play a guitar just like ringing a bell *
* Go, go Go, Johnny, go *
* Go, go, Johnny, go
* Go, Johnny B. Goode
* He used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack *
* And sit beneath the trees by the railroad track *
* Oh, the engineers used to see him sittin' in the shade *
* Strumming with the rhythm that the drivers made *
* The people passing by They would stop and say *
* "Oh, my, but that little country boy could play" *
* Go, go Go, Johnny, go *
* Go, go, Johnny, go
* Go, Johnny B. Goode *
Yeah, a lot of people think Elvis was the king of rock 'n' roll,
but I say it's Chuck Berry, man.
Chuck Berry will always be the king in my book.
He even went to jail for rock 'n' roll.
I really admire a guy that stands up for what he believes in.
I remember one time I learned a Chuck Berry intro to "Johnny B. Goode," man.
Took me six months.
I had to slow the record down, man.
I learned it note for note, man.
And then our singer changed keys on us, man. What a bummer !
[ Snoring ] And you gotta respect rock 'n' roll too, man.
'Cause it'll kill you. It killed Elvis, man.
A lot of people think it was the drugs, but it wasn't the drugs.
What happens, man-- you get into rock 'n' roll,
and it's so much fun you take drugs to enjoy it, you know ?
And then you take so much drugs, you forget what you're taking.
And next thing you know, it kills you.
And, you know, it's not even the drugs that'll kill you, man.
What really kills you is looking for drugs.
Keeps you up all night, man.
I remember when I was heavy into drugs, I'd be up three days...
lookin' for some toot or somethin', man.
I said, "To hell with that, man." I put it down, man.
I haven't done any drugs or smoked a joint or nothin' for a whole week, man.
And I feel so good, I wanna get high. You know what I mean ?
Ah, shit, man--
[ Cheech Narrating ] That's my partner. He usually don't have much to say,
but that'll show you what 20 cups of coffee will do.
Oh, and that's me. I'm really handsome, huh ?
See, I've heard all this stuff before, man,
'cause we've been driving for three days straight.
See, like, we started off in Chicago, you know ?
And, like, we were there during the coldest day in history, man.
It was, like, 80 below, you know ?
It was, like, even colder if you lived down by the lake.
And it was even colder if you were Mexican, you know ?
And then if you were Mexican and lived down by the lake, it was--
Oh, okay. What I'm trying to say is, like, things were tough all over.
And, uh-- But, see, we were lucky, 'cause at least we had a job.
[ Car Approaching ] Come on. Be a customer, man.
Come on in, brother.
All right, we got a customer, man.
Oh, hey ! Ooh !
Hey, hey, welcome to Mekka Car Wash, man.
Mm-hmm.
Say, I want you to be real clean with my machine, you know ?
And I'm aware of all the tapes I got in my car too.
- I ain't got no Freddy Fender. - Hey, get lost !
I'm cleaning it up right now. [ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna turn the heat up.
Oh, God, my toes are like bricks, man.
Hey. Look at this car, man. [ Chuckles ]
How somebody could take a perfectly good car and righteously mess it up.
Look at this dash.
If it was mine, I'd do it chartreuse green...
with a nice big blue diamond there, man.
Baby booties coming off. That'd be heavy.
Look, that guy put leopard skin. [ Laughs ]
I'd put tiger skin, man. That's much hipper.
Get rid of this shit.
Put one of them little chain wheels on, man, then lower the sucker.
[ Chuckles ]
God, it's cold.
[ Groans ] Give me a hit.
[ Inhaling ]
The thing's not lit, man.
I can't get my fingers to work. [ Groaning ]
[ Coughing ] Tobacco ! Agh !
Wonder if he got any tapes.
What did he lock his glove compartment for, man ? The punk.
Probably just go mambo-jambo music, anyway.
[ Groaning ] Man, you smell something burning ?
Hey, man, don't you look at those ashtrays before you empty them, man ?
Look at, that stuff is still burning, man !
You're making it worse.
The whole cigarette pack's on fire, man ! Stamp it out !
[ Coughing, Shouting ] Stop ! The car !
We're moving ! How do I get out ? Lift the handle !
It's stuck !
- Help ! - Come on, unlock us !
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]
Oh, no ! Hey !
Aw, shit. Ahhhhh, God !
Hey, we're going in ! Watch out !
I can't breathe ! I can't breathe !
[ Gasping ]
Ahhh. Hey, stop the car !
Hey ! Hey !
Ahhh, I swallowed this crap.
[ Gasping ] It's burning my throat !
[ Groaning ] Oh, shit !
I know, I know. Oh, God, I can't see !
[ Both Whining, Murmuring ]
[ Indistinct Shouting ]
No, not the spray wax ! No spray wax ! No !
Oh, no !
Oh, please, please ! Ow ! Ow ! Ow !
Hey ! [ Vacuum Cleaner ]
Ohh ! Aaah !
[ No Audio ]
My car ! [ Sobbing ]
Get out of my car !
Hey, man, did you want spray wax ?
[ Cheech Narrating ] We didn't keep the car wash job for too long, man.
We got fired.
Well, actually we didn't get fired. We got another job.
See, these Arabs that owned this car wash also owned this night club.
And they needed a band, so, hey, we put a band together. Man, why not ?
You know, what we did was we went out and got the heaviest players in town, you know,
and we put this heavy monster group together, man.
Hey, we were really good too. One, two, three, four.
** [ Playing Off-Key ]
[ Microphone Feedback ]
Hey, good evening, everybody.
We want to welcome you all to the Club Mekka.
We're glad everybody could make it tonight.
It's nice to see all your smiling, friendly faces out here.
We want to give you a really good show tonight, man.
We're gonna knock your socks off.
We wanna take you for a little trip down memory lane.
Just imagine, everybody, you're cruising down Whittier Boulevard.
Everybody remember Whittier Boulevard ?
Hey ! Whoo !
Anybody here from the Phantom Scar Club ?
How about, anybody here from Garfield High ?
How about Lincoln ?
How about Verdugo? Any vatos from Verdugo High here? Whoo!
Get down ! [ Laughs ]
All right, so just pretend you're in the back seat of a '53 Chevy,
and you got a little bottle with you, a little B&B.
Listening in your Vibrasonic.
Got your arm around your best girl.
Your other arm around a little bit of reefer. All right !
[ Laughs ] Get down !
All right, so get ready for a trip down Whittier Boulevard.
I said, ehhh !
Whoop-de-doo. Okay, two, three, four--
* Eh
[ Muttering ] Oh, yeah.
* Oh, whoop-oo-ee-doo
* My babe don't call me no more *
** [ Continues, Indistinct ] We were just this totally hot band, man, you know.
Like, we were getting standing ovations and everything.
* Oh, whoop-oo-ee-doo
* My babe don't come here--
** [ Tempo Changing ] * Oh, whoop--
They couldn't even wait to hear what we were gonna play next.
** [ Tempo Increasing ] We even had groupies, man.
You know, like there was these high-class French chicks used to come and see us play.
They were hung up on us. The only thing is, they were the bosses' girlfriends.
Hey, but, you know, all's fair in rock 'n' roll.
Stop !
Okay !
* I said ehhh * Ehhh
* Ohhh * Ohhh
* I said eh * Eh
* Oh * Oh
* Eh, oh, oh I'm a one-eyed snake *
* I'm a one-eyed snake
* I'm a one-eyed
* Talkin' about a one-eyed
* I don't mean two-eyed
* Or three-eyed, four-eyed five-eyed, six-eyed *
* Seven-eyed eight-eyed, ten-eyed *
* Walkin' down the alley Got poked in the eye *
* Was a gang fight, talkin' about it's a tough mother *
* One-eyed
Wait. * 'Bout a one-eyed
* Snake
** [ Holding Note
* Snake
Whoo ! All right !
Hey. Yeah !
* Yeah, one-eyed snake
** [ Holding Note ]
Thank you very much. [ Chuckles ]
Well... whoo !
You guys are a really good audience, man.
Okay, we're gonna take a short pause for the cause right now.
I want everybody to relax and order up your favorite drink.
And if you have any requests, just send them on up.
So we'll see you later. Bye-bye. You've been a great audience. I really mean it.
What you got ? What's that ? [ Muttering ]
It's from the French girls.
Must be a request. Yeah.
We'll get right to it.
** [ Whistling ] All right.
Come on, man, hurry up. Let's go have a drink with those French chicks.
You go ahead, man.
Oh, come on, man. They're waiting for us.
Ah, I don't know.
They-They belong to the Arabs.
Hey, man, they sent us up a request. They want to party with us, man.
They just wanted to hear a tune, man. Oh, man, come on, man.
We'll have fun, man. Come on.
I don't even speak French, man.
That's okay. I do, man.
[ Sniffs ] Hey, man, you got more of that cologne, man ?
Ahhh ! Oh, goddamn !
Oh, shit, man !
Put out a warning when you do one of those, man !
It's that Arab shish kebab.
Oh, God, you're gonna hurt somebody, man.
God !
Oh, don't that hurt, man ?
Take about 20 stitches to close that wound.
[ Coughing ] Ooh, what do you want to name that one ? Gordo ?
God, it's still there, man.
I swear to God, it's like a wall.
They don't need no iron curtain with you. They got the gas curtain.
[ Gasps ]
**
Hey, hi, ladies.
Bonsoir. "Bone swallow."
How's it goes for yous twos ?
Tout va bien. Oh, groovy.
Uh... yeah. Yeah, sure.
[ Giggles ]
Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, waitress !
Waitress, can we have some drinks, please.
What do you guys want ? Uh, three beers ?
Uh, some "Louis Don Compagne."
Uh... cold duck.
[ Laughs ] Hey, you'll like that. That's really cool.
Oh, hello. How are your ears ? My ears are fine too.
Hi. Bonsoir.
Hey, pull up a stump. Rest your rump, man. Hey, thanks.
Hey, thanks for coming down and checking out our set.
Really gave us a lot of inspiration, if you know what I mean.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, man ! God, oh, man !
[ Speaking French ]
Oh, goddamn, man !
Oh ! Hey, wanna see a trick ? [ Laughing ]
I-I could do an impression of a jack-o-lantern.
[ Laughing, Speaking French ]
They want me to do it again.
Hey, watch. Yeah. I'm just gonna let it burn a little while.
Where are you going ?
Hey, it wasn't me ! It was him !
Oh, man ! See, they think it was my feet, man !
Hey, man, you gotta have some class, man.
You can't come on to these chicks and play bombs over Tokyo.
It's not healthy to suppress bodily functions, man.
Oh, man ! God !
God, it still smells. What've you been eating ? Glue ?
No, it's in my genes. [ Laughs ] Yeah, I know.
Hey, stop eating that shish kebab. This is what's doing that stuff, man.
God, we had them going too. Man, they were going for it.
[ Flatulence ]
[ Groaning ]
Hey, don't eat them shish kebabs.
[ Flatulence ]
Shit ! [ Mutters ]
[ Flatulence Continues ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Man Screams, Shouting In Arabic ]
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Here's your jacket, man.
These pants are still wet, man.
Yeah, so is this jacket.
[ Sneezes ] Hey, give me another dime, man.
I don't have any more dimes. You sure ?
Yeah, I just got dollars now, man.
Hey, go out and get some change, man.
Just wear 'em the way they are ! My huevos will freeze.
[ Groaning ] Go out and get some change, man. Hurry up.
[ Panting ] Hi, little girl.
Mommy, look. Yeah.
Mommy, look !
- [ Screaming ] - [ Sneezes ]
Help ! Police ! Help ! Police !
Help ! Hey ! Hey, lady, I'm just drying my clothes !
Hey, I wasn't doin' nothing !
Hey, don't call a cop ! Hey, lady, my pants are in the dryer, and I--
Oh, shit.
To serve and protect. You know, this used to be a good neighborhood.
Now they're everywhere. Every place you go. What did this guy look like ?
They look at you with those sick pervert eyes. What was he dressed like ?
They stare at you. They practically stare your clothes off.
Did he-- You take a bus ride. Maybe a million empty seats.
[ Indistinct Questioning ] But no, they gotta sit right next to you.
You gonna sign a complaint to put this guy away ? Rub their sweaty bodies...
right up against you !
It's sick, I tell you ! The whole world is sick !
Tell you what. Why don't you come with me,
and we'll fill out a nice police report.
[ Woman ] Report ? There's a weirdo running around in here,
and you wanna do a report ?
What is that supposed to mean ? This time I want answers !
You gotta do something !
Help !
Is that stuff dry in there ?
I got some more dimes if you need 'em.
Where you been, man ? You missed all the excitement.
Some pervert tried to rape a little girl, man.
Geez, what a sick neighborhood, huh ?
Hey, what's wrong with you ?
Hey, you're stoned, aren't you ?
I bet you never even saved me any, either.
Hey, where is it, man ?
[ Cheech Narrating ] This is the car wash we used to work at before we got fired.
Oh, and this is one of the owners of the car wash.
He's a real cool dude... and a real sharp dresser.
He just had some real strange customs.
Oh, and that's his brother. He was the business man of the two guys.
He's the guy that never paid us.
[ Laughing ]
How-How do you like ?
[ Laughing ] Please. Mirror. I have to see mirror.
Oh, yes, thank you. Thank you very much.
Of course, what we do is take the healthy hair from his back...
and put it in a random fashion up here to create a natural hairline.
Later on, of course, I'll fill in the top, and it'll move on back all over.
Yes, random. That looks very natural.
Doesn't it ? Yes. How do you like it ? They put in random, see ?
And it looks very, very natural.
[ Laughing ]
Yes. Habib, how do you like it ?
Better than hairpiece.
You are right. Much better than "herpes."
I should say so ! Yes, before I had herpes on my head.
You had herpes on your head ? Yes, of course.
Where else would you have it ? On your dick ? Ha-ha !
I really do wish you'd mentioned that to me before.
It was very embarrassing. I mean, everybody could see.
You walk into a room, and they say, "Ha, he has herpes on his head."
You could not do anything. You could not go swimming.
Because you have herpes. And girls don't like that.
Very hard to get date with herpes.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah, this is much better.
[ Laughing ] Tell you what. I give you souvenir.
I give you my herpes. No, no, no, no.
That's all right. Thank you, though. I insist, I insist.
No, really, you keep 'em. A souvenir.
Here, you take my herpes. I don't need anymore.
[ Sighs ] Oh, "hairpiece."
[ Door Buzzes ] Yeah, that's much better.
What is it ? What are you doing ?
I told you to take it to Vegas.
[ Whispering ] What ?
You idiot. Get out of here ! Go on !
Go on, everybody ! Out, out, out !
Oh, you make me so mad ! [ Groans ]
Get out of here.
[ Door Buzzes ] What do they do ? They send it back to us.
Oh, that idiot Abdul.
I don't believe that stupid idiot.
Abdul, what in the hell are you doing ?
When I send you $5 million, you keep $5 million !
Do you understand ?
I don't care. I don't care.
Use your imagination.
You are in Las Vegas. You have $5 million.
Are you a total idiot ?
I'm sending the money-- I cannot launder any more money through this car wash.
I don't care about your problems. Things are tough every over.
I am sending back the money to you. Do you understand ?
And you keep it this time ! Ah, the stupid idiot !
[ Yelling ]
No ! Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! Stop ! Stop !
The stupid thing !
[ Chuckles ]
[ Engine Cranking ] [ Cheech Narrating ] It's funny how things work out.
The Arabs just heard our band one time, and they wanted us to go on the road.
So they gave us a job driving this limousine to Las Vegas.
Come on ! Hey, man, you're gonna run the battery down.
I'm not gonna run the battery down. [ Cranking Continues ]
Look, we're out of gas, man, see ?
Didn't you check it, man ? Oh, man !
Shit, how can we be out of gas, man ? We're not even out of town yet.
We gotta find a gas station, man.
Maybe that guy knows.
Hey, dude ! Hey, brother !
Yo. Hey, man, come over here.
Hey, you know where we can find a gas station ?
Yeah, yeah, man. Which one ?
Uh, wash your window. Let me wash your window. No, no, we don't want--
They're not dirty, man. The windows are clean, man.
I'll do the windows. Hey, man, don't put that mud on the windows, man !
I'll do the windows. Give me a dollar. We just need a gas station.
Give me a dollar. We don't got a dollar, man. We need to find a gas station.
Come on, give me a dollar. I need a dollar. Oh, shit.
Give him a dollar. I ain't got no money.
What do you mean ? The Arabs gave you some money.
I spent it. What do you mean you spent it ?
- I paid off our bar tab. - Oh, man !
[ Man Groaning ] Hey, man, get out of the car !
[ Laughing ]
Hey, come on, man. Get out of the car.
Ah, shit.
See what you do, man ? You don't even check to see if we have gas.
Come on, man, get out !
Hey, man, open the door.
Hey, come on, man ! Open this door !
I ain't bullshittin' with you. Get out !
Oh, shit ! [ Laughing ]
Come on, man.
Hey, man, unlock the door !
Hey, man, unlock the door, man. It's cold out there, man.
I know it's cold out here. I'm out here. Go around the other side.
Open it from the inside. Man, come on !
It's locked. I know it's locked. We gotta get this guy out of there.
Open the door. Come on, man. Go around the other side.
Oh, shit, man.
- Hi, officer. - Can I help you ?
Oh, no, we're okay, man. We just got this chump in the back seat, man.
You got the "champ" in the back seat ?
Damn, that is the champ ! [ Laughs ]
Hey, Champ !
What'd you tell him, man ? I didn't tell him nothing. He told me.
This guy thinks he's got the champ in the back seat.
Hey, sit still, champ. We got a ride. [ Bell Dings ]
Hey, brother. Hey, thanks a lot, man.
Oh, sure, sure. Anytime, anytime. I appreciate it, man.
Hey, listen, could I just meet the champ, just for a second ?
He don't like strange people coming up to him, all right ? I just wanna talk to him.
I'm a real big fan. He's real tired, man.
All right, well, can I get an autograph ? Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, great, great. Here. Just tell him to write anything he wants.
Something like, "Willie Albert, my best buddy and sparring partner of all times.
Love always, the Champ." Yeah, yeah, sure.
Great, great, great. All right, there you go. Yeah, thanks a lot.
All right. Wait right there.
Okay. Hey--
Hey, Champ, come on, we gotta sign an autograph.
[ Disguised Voice ] Yeah ? Who it for ?
[ Normal Voice ] It's for the cop who gave us a ride over here, man.
[ Disguised Voice ] Well, what his name ?
[ Normal Voice ] His name is Black Russian or something like that.
Just sign "to the Black Cerote."
There you go. Yeah, that's good. You got good handwriting.
Hey, thanks a lot, man. There you go, man.
Oh, great, great ! He's a really big fan of yours, man.
He's heard of me ? [ Laughing ] Oh, yeah, yeah !
So you think I can spar a little with him ? He'll punch your lights out.
Great, great, great ! Thanks a lot. Yeah, no problem, man.
Thanks, Champ. See you later, man.
Hey, be good, man. Thanks a lot. All right.
Yeah, he's got all your albums. [ Laughs, Humming ]
Hey, protect the city. All right.
Hey, man, you got $24.15 on gas.
Oh, yeah. My partner's got the money, man. Hey, give him $24.15.
What ? $24.15 for the gas, man.
I ain't got no money. What do you mean you ain't got no money ?
I told you, I ain't got no money. What'd you do with it ?
I paid our bar tab, man.
So we don't got no money ? Nothing.
Not one cent ? Nothing. Not a penny.
What'd you buy that candy bar with ? What candy bar ?
That candy bar that you got all in your beard there, man.
Oh, well, that's a quarter, you know. Oh, man !
Hey ! Hey, where you going with that, man ?
That ain't ours, man. Yeah, I know it's not yours, man. It's mine.
Now, when you get your money, it'll be right here.
Y'all have a nice day now.
**
* All last night I didn't sleep *
* I've been awake for it seems like a week *
* I've been searching for a pot of gold *
* At the rainbow's end so I've been told *
* I don't stop thinking of just your lovin' *
* I don't want much, but I could use a little more than I got *
* Hell, I don't need a lot
* I'm just tearing along this dotted line *
* Send me away from the chilly winds of Chicago *
** [ Yodeling ]
* Just crossed the Missouri state line *
* Looks like more of what we left behind *
* Miles and miles of nothing at all *
* I'd get out if I had the gall *
* Now I don't stop thinking of just your loving *
* I don't want much, but I could use a little more than I got *
* Hell, I don't need a lot
* I'm just tearing along this dotted line *
* Take me away from those chilly winds of Chicago *
** [ Yodeling ]
* All last night I didn't sleep *
* I've been awake for it seems like a week *
* I've been searching for a pot of gold *
* At the rainbow's end so I've been told *
* I don't stop thinking of just your loving *
* I don't need much, but I could use a little more than I got *
* Hell, I don't need a lot
* I'm just tearing along this dotted line *
* Send me away from these chilly winds of Chicago *
** [ Yodeling ]
* Send me away from Chicago
** [ Yodeling ]
* Send me away from Chicago
** [ Yodeling ]
Holy shit, man !
Ho-ho ! What's the matter ? Why are we stopping ?
We gotta pick up a hitchhiker.
We can't pick up no hitchhikers. Man, it's not even our car.
I think we can pick up this one.
Thanks for stopping, you guys. You guys !
Sandra ! What are you doing out here ? [ Squealing ]
Well, what are you doing out here ? We're on our way to Vegas.
[ Squeals ] What a trip ! Well, come on, hop in.
Can you give my friends a ride ? Yeah, sure. No problem.
Fantastic. [ Blows Whistle ]
[ Chattering In Spanish ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Cheech ] What are you doing out here anyways ?
[ Sandra ] I work for a Mexican travel agency.
They got jobs ? Yeah. Well, hang on. I gotta make an announcement.
[ Blows Whistle ]
So, anyway, what are you guys doing ? You got your band still ?
Oh, yeah. We're headlining now. You're kidding !
I swear to God ! This big club in Chicago. Packing 'em in.
Whoo ! We got costumes and everything, man.
Yeah ? Well, we're gonna get costumes.
We're on our way to Vegas to see a famous designer. Oh, well, it takes time.
Yeah, we're gonna check out the lounges and everything. They all want us.
They'll be standing in line. Hey, guess what.
What ? I don't do drugs anymore.
You don't ? I don't do drugs, either.
I've been off it for a week now.
Oh, that's great. Yeah, I feel real good.
That's great. Me too. I feel great. You got any ?
No, I just ran out.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Laughing ] [ TV: Garbled Voices ]
Oh, hell, there it goes again.
Come on, get the picture back.
I'm gonna have to throw you out and get myself a new set one of these days.
Come on. [ Chattering In Spanish ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Laughing ] What in the hell is that ?
[ Chattering Continues ]
All right, we made it ! [ Laughs ]
[ Sandra ] Here we are !
Oh, Sweetie Face. How are you, love ?
Oh, I'm so happy to see you again. Good to see you.
You look good. How'd it go this time ?
Just great, man. We had a ball.
Oh, wonderful. I want you to meet my friend Old Timer.
Oh, hey, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Any friend of Sweetie Face is a friend of mine.
Hey, take everybody inside and get 'em some food and drink, and there's plenty of milk.
Great, great. Hey, listen, thanks for the ride. Oh, hey.
I love you. Oh, nice seeing you again.
I know. You take care of yourself.
Okay. Bye. All right, bye-bye.
What kind of a car-- I never seen a car like that.
Oh, yeah, it's a special customized job. We did it ourselves.
You did a damn good job on it. [ Laughing ]
It has organic air conditioning. Oh, great.
How about some special customized gas ? You got it, pal.
Thanks a lot, brother. Guess what, man.
What are we gonna give him for gas, man ? Guess what, man !
Hey, where do you want it ? Over here ?
What are you fellows doing ?
Hey, we're going through your neighborhood seeing what everybody needs.
We saw you need a new car seat, so we brought one over. I can always use a new seat.
Yeah, all right. Maybe you can mate 'em and get a bus.
[ Laughing ] If there's anything left over from the gas, give us credit.
Oh, okay, okay, all right. Hey, check you later, man.
Nice seat. [ Laughs ]
[ Sighs ]
Hey, man, look. Dude laid some peyote on me, man.
Look at this.
Not as good as my old one.
Holy jumpin' catfish !
Hey, fellas ! Hey, hey, hey, fellas !
Hey, fellas, there's money in that seat.
You must've dropped some change, man. You can keep it.
You sure. Yeah, don't worry about it.
- There's an awful lot of money. - We don't need it. We're rich.
- Yeah, we're rich, man. - Check you later.
[ Laughing ] All that money ! Whoo !
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Cheech ] Come on, baby. Come on. Come on, you can make it.
Come on. Good boy. [ Laughing ]
See, we made it, dude.
[ Bell Buzzes ] Goddamn, man. Good thing too, man.
We didn't have nothin' left to trade for gas.
[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]
You want this last peyote button, man ? [ Giggles ]
You chewed all of them already ?
Well, he only gave me ten, man.
Goddamn, ese. You're in the ozone.
Last time I took peyote, I saw snakes and shit, man. [ Laughing Continues ]
Come on, man. Let's get our money and go get a decent meal.
I'm tired of eating junk.
I need a double cheeseburger with chili.
I gotta go pee, man.
Okay, go in the back. [ Belches ]
Hello ! We're here with the car !
We need to get paid !
Hello ! Arab dudes !
[ Mock Arab Accent ] We're here with the car.
Hello ! We got the car here !
Just put the money under the door.
** [ Middle Eastern ]
[ Cheech Continues Pounding ] Hello !
**
[ Cheech ] Hungry !
Hey ! Any cheeseburgers in there ?
Come on, let's get out of here, man. I left the keys in the car.
[ Laughs ] Did you see snakes when you did peyote ?
Yeah, yeah, I saw snakes.
Did you see belly dancers too ? No, just snakes.
[ Laughs ] Hey, that's really good peyote, man.
I want to get something to eat, man.
They said to deliver the car and they'd give us the money.
So we delivered the car. Where's the money, man ?
God, I'm hungry. [ Laughing ]
Shoot, can't trust nobody no more.
Welcome to Club Mekka. Ten dollars, please.
Give him the ticket, please. Thank you very nice. Take off your hat.
[ Laughs ] Welcome to Club Mekka. Ten dollars, please.
Thank you very nice. Take off your hat.
Welcome to Club Mekka. Ten dollars, please.
Thank you very nice. Give him the ticket, please. Take off your hat.
I don't take my hat off for nobody. Excuse me.
[ Mutters ] What ?
Hey, sucker ! Sucker ? Oh !
We make very big mistake. Aha !
You don't call me sucker ! No ! No !
He called me sucker. Put that knife away.
Go on back there. Go on back there. Go on.
I'm very sorry. We make very big-- I'll put your hat back on.
Oh, looks very nice there. I'm sorry. A big mistake.
He make-- Oh, natural looking. I can't hear you.
Thank you. Just take $20.
Here's a ticket for drink. Go have drink.
Go have drink and have a good time. [ Chuckles ]
Disco, disco. You look very nice.
Ahhh. Stupid idiot !
You are right. Of course I am right.
We are both stupid idiots. What do you mean ?
That telephone call was from Vegas. Las Vegas ?
What about the car ? Only part of it showed up.
What do you mean only part of the car showed up ?
That's what I said. Only part of the car showed up.
What about the money ? That part never showed up.
They have stolen our money ? And part of the car.
[ Habib On Radio ] Hello, Las Vegas.
This is Prince Habib. I wish to land on your airport.
Ten-four. Watch out where you go, you stupid idiot.
I know what I'm doing. Relax. Straighten out this plane.
This stupid plane. You touch it a little bit, it moves.
Well, just land on the ground down there, on that runway.
Hello, Las Vegas. I am going to land on your runway.
Put this airplane down. This stupid plane doesn't want to--
Put this plane down ! I'm trying to put it down.
You're going to kill us ! It doesn't want to stay down.
[ Screaming, Shouting ] Well, let go !
I'm landing now. Hello, Las Vegas. I am landing.
Come, come. Open the door. Hello ! Welcome, Mr. Slyman.
Welcome ! Thank you, Allah !
I'm so stiff, I don't know what--
Where in the hell did you learn how to drive in an airplane ?
Why are you yelling at me ? Where did you get your drivers license plate ?
Inside of a corn flakes box ? You know this is not my plane.
[ Moaning ] This is my maid's plane. Mine's in the shop.
Stupid idiot. Come, let's go. How was your flight ?
Hi. How are you ? That was the most stupid airplane ride I ever took !
You think that's stupid ? You should see me fly my other plane.
This way, Mr. Habib. Ah, you cannot fly.
I cannot fly these little planes. They fly all over the place.
Come on, this way. Right this way.
Over there ! Use your glasses. Next time I fly commercial.
Ah, don't be so scared. Why don't you get a plane like that one over there ?
That's our cousin's plane. Our cousin ?
Yes, that's his plane. I can tell. Come on !
That one over there ? Yes, that one with the gold landing gear.
Ah, he's such a showoff. Right down here !
No ! Oh, yes, he is.
Come, let's go buy something. That way !
You know, you-- Where are we going ? Come on !
To the gate. The gate is over there. See, it's over there.
Of course it's over there. Put it down ! Put it down !
Mr. Habib, please !
Again, Mr. Habib, let me apologize.
[ Cheech Narrating ] That's one thing I hate about coming into this airport.
They always have these guys apologizing.
If you'll just join me, I'll be happy to show you-- Excuse me, please !
Take one moment to come outside with me. I'll show you your car.
[ All Chattering ] Mr. Habib, please join me. Your car is waiting.
Get out of the way ! Right this way, Mr. Habib.
Your car will be arriving right here. Put the money in here, yes.
Of course. Pull !
Pull ? Pull, yes. Pull the handle.
[ Speaking French ] There, yes, there.
- Bar, bar, bar ! - [ All Cheering ]
[ Bell Ringing ] We win ! Yes.
Okay, one for you. Pull ! Pull ! [ Speaking French ]
Pull, pull. Oui.
[ French ]
- Bar ! - [ Bell Ringing ]
[ All Cheering, Laughing ]
I got one more for you, my dear.
[ French Girls Shouting ]
Bar ! [ Bell Ringing ]
[ Cheering ]
Are you crazy ? You people !
Pull it. [ Speaking French ]
[ Bell Ringing ] [ French Continues ]
[ Grunting ] I kill him ! You'll love the ride.
Son of a-- [ Muttering ]
Stop ! What are you doing ? What are you doing ?
He insult me ! What did he do ?
He want me to drive a Datsun ! Oh, stupid.
We have this convention. I am so very sorry.
Excuse me, my brother. I will kill-- Watch it.
Put that knife down. Put that knife down, or I'm gonna--
Let me kill him. I'm so very sorry. Here, take this money.
My brother is very upset. He ate some bad dates.
It's air conditioned. Thank you very nice.
Take the keys and get in the car. We will take care of the car.
- Thank you very much. - Maybe if you gave him a Valium, he'd be okay.
I am sorry for my brother. He is not used to being in the desert.
Well, sir, enjoy. Thank you very much.
Why do you stop me from killing that little freak ? Ah, let's go.
He gave us stupid little car. He did not do anything. Let's go.
Stupid little Datsun ! Stupid thing ! [ Tires Screeching ]
Stupid idiot. Watch where you are going.
[ Horn Honking, Tires Screeching ]
[ Slyman ] You cannot kill a man just because he give you a Datsun.
Ahhh, goddamn stupid car !
No, this is America. You cannot kill every person because you get mad at them.
You have to have permission first. That is democracy.
Ahhh. You want to go kill everybody, you'll never get a green card.
You want to kill somebody ?
You wait till we find these two guys that stole our money.
And then we kill them. Yes.
Because nobody steals from Slyman.
And nobody steals from Habib.
I'm going to enjoy killing these guys.
I'll kill 'em slow.
I'm gonna cut off their eyelids so they can watch. [ Laughs ]
Yes, you are very kind.
Ahhh, every man only dies once. He should enjoy it.
Yes. Yes.
It's hot in this car.
Stupid, goddamn desert heat. I hate this desert !
I hate this heat !
It's not this desert, you stupid idiot ! You've put on the heat in the car.
I put on the air condition. You didn't put on the air condition. Look.
- The air condition is the other way. - It's the air conditioner.
It is not the air condition. It's the heat. It says hot.
The air condition is the other way. I put on air condition.
It doesn't work. Stupid car needs to die. I kill this car !
What are you doing ?
[ Tires Screeching ] [ Shouting Continues ]
Stop ! Stop ! [ Screaming ]
Hey ! Hey ! Hey !
The only car we see all day, and they try to run us over.
[ Shouting In Spanish ]
** [ Strumming Chords ]
We should've stayed in Chicago, man.
At least it wasn't hot out there. We're gonna die of heat "frustration" out here.
**
- Play something else, please. - That's desert music, man.
Come on, mellow out. Ah, desert music.
- We're gonna die out here. - It's beautiful out here, man.
- Enjoy it. - You took all that peyote, man. Anything's beautiful to you.
Hey, man, let's do that song we were writing in Chicago.
What song ? You know, that "Me and My Old Lady."
I don't know how it goes. Come on, sure you do. You wrote it, man.
I don't remember it. Come on, let's try it.
* Me
* And my old lady * My old lady
There you go.
* We like, we like like to like *
* We like, like to get outside *
[ Harmonizing ] * But sometimes
* People space us out
Yeah.
* So we just make like a bakery truck *
And haul buns out of there *
* Sometimes
* We are so much in love
* That we go on a picnic
* And don't even take any beer
Yeah.
* We just like to cruise around *
* And trying to find the main drag in town *
* And then after
* We go and try to find a 7-11 and get some beef jerky *
[ Harmonizing ] * Me
* And my old lady
Yeah. Yeah.
* We like, we like * We like, we like, like We like *
* We like to get outside
* Sometimes
* People space us out
Stay on your own note. * Out
* So we just make like a bakery truck *
* And haul buns out of there **
Hey, that was good, man.
That was nice, man. Yeah.
I like that thing about the beef jerky, man.
Yeah, well, that, like, makes it organic.
I dig that. That's nice. Yeah.
[ Takes Deep Breath ] Shit, man.
**
There's never gonna be a car out here.
**
[ Indistinct Chattering ]
Stupid car. [ Grumbling ] Get some gas.
[ Old Man ] I got a better picture out of my old set.
[ Garbled Voices On TV ] Give me a picture ! Come on !
Hey, old man... gas.
Excuse me, old timing man. Yeah ?
How are you this morning ? I'm fine. And you ?
Very good. Thank you. Um, can you tell me, is this the only road into town ?
Is, uh-- Huh ?
Is this the road that lead-- is into town ?
Yeah, it's the only road into town.
Yes, thank you. Uh, pardon me, old timing man.
Um, we are with the Secret "Cervix." [ Hacks, Spits ]
And, uh-- You're, uh, what ?
We are with the Secret Cervix of this government. [ Belches ]
And we are looking for two men. You're-You're looking for what ?
[ Raises Voice ] We are looking for two m-- I show you the picture.
These men are very dangerous. They stole money.
These two men, they stole money from our government.
Uh, they're very dangerous. You mean these two ?
This man and this man. Have you seen them ?
These two ? Yes, this one and this one here.
Were they driving a customized limousine ? Yes, yes, they were.
Did it have, uh, Illinois license plates on it ?
Yes, yes. When did you see them ?
I'm sorry. Haven't seen 'em at all. They haven't been by here.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Bell Dings ]
This is fantastic. Look at this.
We are famous already in the desert.
From our nightclub. The matches. Where did you get this ?
I found it right sitting right there. Isn't that fantastic ?
Stupid idiot. They have been here.
Who have been here ? Those two guys ! Who else ?
Those two guys have been here. Of course, idiot.
How else would these matches get here ? Ahhh.
We don't have much time. That old man is lying.
Yes, of course he is lying. I'm going to kill him.
No ! No, don't kill him ! You stupid idiot !
Don't kill him ! If you kill him, I don't let you kill the other two guys.
[ Groaning ] But he's lying to us.
Yes, I know he is lying, but he has information that we need.
We have to "humus" him. I will talk.
Old timing man.
These men, uh, that you did not see--
Which way did they go ? Well, they went that way towards Mexico.
Of course. Get in the car ! Come on, quick ! Quickly !
[ Car Driving Off ] You gotta go back this way to get to the freeway !
[ Tires Screeching ] You'll get lost in the desert going down there !
[ Whining ] Oh, God, I'm hungry !
I need a corn dog or a chili dog.
Dog food, anything.
I'd eat the crotch out of a dead horse.
I remember one time for my birthday we had a pizza, man.
One of those deep-dish pizzas with double cheese...
and my name spelled out in pepperonis.
Ah, and a real cold beer. You know, that kind where they keep the mugs in the freezer.
Has ice in it, man. Hey, man, look what I found.
What did you find ? Peyote, man.
Oh, yeah ? Yeah.
Shit, I'm so hungry, I'd eat peyote.
Mmm.
Hey, man, that's a horse turd !
I thought so.
Oh, man, what are you giving me horse turds for ? Shit !
Hey, just a minute, man. Look, it's organic.
What ? Yeah, it's got little green things living in it, man.
Oh, shit. They're alive !
Oh, man ! Ohhh ! Oh, little baby green things too !
Hey, look, man, a mama green thing !
Well, half a mama green thing.
[ Retching ] Hey, I bet this is peyote.
Hey, that's not so bad. Hey, you okay, man ?
Yaaaa !
[ Yelling Continues ] This is my brother.
[ Windshield Crashes ] He is a very brilliant man.
The car run out of gas,
and so he kill the car.
[ Yelling Continues ]
You have killed the car enough !
Stop. You have killed the car, I think.
Yes, that Datsun will go no further.
Very nice. Come. We must go.
We must go where ? Where we go ?
We follow the road, idiot. Come.
The road. Yes.
Ow !
Open-foot shoes !
Ah ! Son of a--
Ah !
Oh, man, we're never gonna get a ride, man.
They're gonna find our bones all bleached out here and buzzards sittin' on 'em.
I don't wanna be a buzzard taco.
Maybe they closed the road and nobody told us.
Hey, why don't you do something to help us instead of just lying there ?
I am doing somethin', man.
What are you doing, man, getting a suntan ?
- No, I'm praying. - Praying ?
Tsk. A lot of good that's gonna do us, man.
We need a miracle, he's out there praying.
[ Women Speaking French ]
[ French Continues ]
Hey, it's the Fifis !
Hey, man, it's the two Fifis.
Hey, how are you ? What are you doing here, man ?
Hey, come on, man. Hey.
We could have been out here for two days, man.
We thought we were gonna die out here.
[ Chattering ]
Wow, man, what a trip. These chicks found us all the way in the desert.
I can't believe it, huh ? Yeah, we're lucky, man.
Really. Oh, shit.
What's the matter ? What am I gonna tell the Arabs, man ?
What Arabs ? Their Arabs, man. If they're here, they're here.
[ Chong Laughing ]
[ French ] [ Cheech ] Okay.
Come on, man. Help me think, man.
We gotta think of something.
[ French Continues ] How about we tell them...
it was faulty workmanship, and the doors just fell out ?
[ Laughs ]
How about we're out in the desert and a big flying saucer came...
and they were going door to door and they took our doors ?
[ Laughing ]
Yeah, that's really lame, huh ? [ Laughing Continues ]
Um, I got it. We'll tell them we had to park it overnight in Detroit,
and we came out and that's where it was.
[ Laughing Continues ]
You think it's so funny ? You think of something, man.
No, man, it's comin' on, man. I'm just starting to laugh. [ Laughs ]
[ French Continues ] [ Laughing Continues ]
We gotta tell these guys something, man. [ Chong Laughing ]
Come on. Stop it, man.
[ French Continues ]
French fries.
Oh, shit, man.
Goddamn, what do you want to tell these dudes, man ?
Hey, I'm peaking again, man.
We'll just-- We'll tell 'em nothin', man.
[ Laughing ] He wanted us to deliver the car, we delivered the car.
All right. There it was. He don't like it, lump it.
I'm just afraid if that guy sneezes on me, man.
Probably tear half my face off, man.
Shit, I ain't afraid of no Arabs, man. Shit.
- I'll just tell them-- - [ Whip Cracks ]
Hey, come on, man. I'm tripping, okay ?
I think we are lost. We are not lost. We are Arabs.
Lost is when you do not know where you are going.
Well, that is the point. Where are we going ?
We are going... uphill.
[ Grunting, Panting ]
Well, at least, when we get to the top of the hill,
we will know where we are.
Oh. [ Panting Continues ]
[ Sighs ]
Yes, you are right. Now I know exactly where we are.
You do ? Yes.
We are in the middle of fucking nowhere !
Where is the road ?
Oh, those two guys ! Oh.
Yes, it was those two guys.
They have stolen the road too.
Now I am sure of it. You are sure of what ?
That our mother messed around with a goat herder.
She did ?
No-o-o-o-o.
[ French ]
Bonjour, ladies.
Thanks for the memories.
"Au revoirs."
Those poor girls. It must be torture to be so hung up on us. Yeah.
Oh, hey, just a minute. Hey, hey, hey. Man, let 'em go.
Let 'em go. Don't torture 'em, man. They're in love with us.
It's better to end it this way. They'll just wanna come back and marry us.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Come again. Pleasure.
Yeah, bye-bye, ride. Bye-bye, ride.
Hey ! Hey !
Hey !
A-ha. Now I know exactly where we are, also.
You do ? Yes, I do.
Well, then tell me. Where are we ? We are going downhill.
Ah, stupid idiot.
So ! So, it's okay for you to make jokes, but not me, huh ?
You do not make jokes. You are a joke.
Ah.
Please, God !
Please, get us out of here !
I don't wanna die in the desert ! [ Crying ]
I'm hungry, please !
Oh--
Hey, man, don't do that. Man, you should see what that looks like.
You ought to see what you're gonna look like-- [ Horn Honking ]
Oh, thank you, Lord. Come on, man. We got a ride.
Hey, hey, thank you very much. Okay, come on. Get in here.
Are you going into Vegas ? No, I'm going to Cleveland.
Of course I'm going to Vegas. Oh, hey, thanks a lot for the ride.
It's a pleasure. I needed company. You don't look suspicious anyway.
[ Laughing ] Here, hold this. Will ya hold that ?
That's Linda Lovelace's ass print.
[ Cackles ] Hold the wheel. I gotta show you something else.
I open tonight in Las Vegas. I'm a little horse right now.
[ Laughing ] A little horse. Do you get it ?
I tried sniffing glue, kept getting to tube stuck in my nose.
I tried smokin' hash, but I couldn't light the corned beef. [ Cackling Continues ]
I just made a killing in the market. I shot my butcher.
I got a new vacuum cleaner. It really sucks. [ Laughing ]
Wait, they get better. My sister was so fat, she has stretch marks on her car.
I was so sick, I asked the captain to heave too. [ Chong Laughing ]
I asked the captain to heave too !
You hold the wheel. I went to this girl.
I said, "Are you game ?" She said, "Yeah." So I shot her.
Today is Toulouse-Lautrec's birthday.
And I bought him a belt, and I said, "Is that belt too tight, Toulouse ?"
"Is that belt too tight, Toulouse" !
Please make him stop. [ Laughing Continues ]
Well, if you stopped laughing for a minute, maybe he would.
I'm not laughing. I'm crying !
I met a guy at the bar with two wooden legs.
He caught on fire and burned to the ground.
Hey, man, you got anything to eat ? We're starving.
Oh, yeah. Wait a second. How about this ? [ Laughing ]
Here's a TV dinner.
A TV dinner ! We haven't eaten anything in two days. We're starving.
Oh, like, really ? Yeah.
Oh, I thought you were kidding. I'm so-- Oh, my God. We're so hungry, man.
I got just the place. It's very near here. [ Sobbing ]
But you're not dressed. But I'll take care of that too.
I'm sorry. I swear to you, I thought you were kidding all that time.
Anyway, this place-- You'll love it. It's inexpensive.
You'll be my guests. Worry about nothing. I'll get you the clothes.
It's great. You just think thin, and think pork tartare till we get there.
[ Chong Crying ] I'll take care of everything.
Pork tartare. Deep sleep. Pork tartare.
Gherkin. Gherkin ! Gherkin.
So nice to see you again, Monsieur Gleason.
Is he here ? Who ?
Well, no, I'm Rip. Rip. Oh, excuse moi, Monsieur Torn.
Ah ! No, it's Taylor. Taylor.
Ah, Monsieur Taylor ! Yes. Oh, your agent. He has called for you.
He has work. Oh, what ?
He has work. Well, that's a first.
You may telephone him. The telephone is right around there.
Well, merci beaucoup. [ Panting ]
These are my very good friends. They're new in town. Give them anything they want.
Caviar, champagne. Money is no object. Separate checks.
Mais, oui. Well, they may, but you gotta feed 'em first.
Have a good time and enjoy !
Right this way. Your table is waiting, monsie-- mademois--
[ Stammers ] Uh, this way.
Hey, man. It's really comin' on, man.
It's okay. Get some food, man.
Come on. Let's just sit down. I'm starting to freak out, man.
Voila. [ Chattering ]
No, uh--
As soon as you get some food you'll feel better. Ah.
[ Sighs ] Menu. Oh, great.
Thank you. Menu.
Thanks a lot. May I present you the specialities.
We have a selection at first.
We have an escargot sautéed in--
And we have an escargot avec champagne.
[ Stuttering ] We also have a crepe soufflé,
with spinach and squid sautéed in its own eyes, good, good, good, good.
[ Continues, Indistinct ] [ Cheech ] Can we have some bread ?
No. And we also have a crepe soufflé.
It is with spinach.
We don't have any. It's a soufflé in squid.
Can we have some bread ? It is served with a wonderful salad.
- It is served with a tomato salad. - Hey, can we have some bread ?
Bread. Oui.
I will have the bread boy bring it.
Thank you. We're really hungry.
Hey, man, I'm starting to freak out.
You'll be all right as soon as you get some food. Okay, I'll be all right.
Hey, waiter. Food guy. Bus-- Bread guy, thing. Anybody.
- Hi, can we have some bread, please ? - Straight up or on the rocks ?
- Whatever. - Two beers.
[ Whining ] I don't feel good.
What's the matter ? I feel like we're wearing dresses, man.
We are wearing dresses.
I am so sorry, monsieur,
but we are out of the speciality of the day that I told you about.
- Oh, no ! - Oh, it's okay. - But, but, but, we have more.
We have more. We have poulet, chicken. Poulet pie !
They got more food. They're out of it, man !
It's okay. A cheeseburger. I'm out of it, man. They're out of it.
Oh ! A cheeseburger. Can't you see he's having a Big Mac attack ?
- Get him a cheeseburger, man ! - What does he want on the cheeseburger ?
Well, all the shit. A cheeseburger.
It's okay. They're gonna get a cheeseburger, and then you'll feel all better.
I'm sorry, man. Okay, just relax.
Have a good time. Oh, my head's growing now, man.
What ? My head's growing.
No, you just got a wig on, man. You'll be all right. Just relax.
- Oh ! - What's the matter ?
My balls are gone. I lost my balls.
[ Cheech ] You'll be okay, man. Take it easy.
Where did I leave them ? Where did I leave them ?
I lost my balls. You just got pantyhose on, man.
Oh ! Oh, yeah, I got pantyhose on.
You'll be okay as soon as the food gets here.
I can't breathe, man. What ?
I can't breathe. Well-- [ Stammers ]
It's all tight. Here, loosen this thing, then.
[ Yells ] It's alive ! What's the matter ?
No, no, it's dead, it's dead, man.
Oh, it's dead ! Oh, it's dead ! No, it's not dead.
It's just sleeping. It's sleeping. It's just having a rest.
[ Chong Groaning ] You'll be okay, man. Take it easy.
I'm freakin' out, man. I'm sorry. I know. You'll be all right.
I'm gettin' real sensitive, man. Oh, that's okay.
Thanks for being with me. You're probably just getting your period or something.
Yeah. You'll be all right, as soon as you get some food.
Okay. I'll be all right.
[ Chong Groaning ]
Everybody's looking at me, man. I don't like this restaurant.
What ? They're not lookin' at you.
They're just looking-- Make this restaurant go away, man !
[ Cheech ] Go away, restaurant ! See there ? It stopped.
[ Sobbing ]
[ Sobbing Continues ]
I have never walked so far in the desert in my life.
It is terrible in the desert like that.
No wonder the peasants in our country are always pissed off.
Oh, terrible. Oh, my butt hurts.
Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat a camel.
Two camels.
Bonsoir, monsieur. Do you have a reservation ?
Ah, well-- We don't need reservation, goat breath.
Just give us a table. I am sorry, we have no table unless you have a reservation.
- We have no table ! - You'll be all right.
As soon as you get some food, everything will be cool.
Where's our food ? Oh, shit. We don't need reservation !
I take care of this, stupid idiot. I take care of this.
Of course we have a reservation. Your table is right over here.
Thank you. Very nice. I've been expecting you.
Voila.
Ah. Et voila. Voila.
Get down.
And voila. Menu for you, monsieur.
Et vous, monsieur. Thank you. Very nice.
I have just seen the most ugliest woman in the world.
She's even uglier than my first wife.
That is impossible. Or my camel.
Your first wife was your camel, you idiot. That's right.
Shh, shh. Hey, there's mice under here !
Hey, there's gum here too, man. Never mind about those women.
We have to find those two guys.
They have disappeared. I don't know where they could be.
They cannot just vanish from the face of the world. They did.
I am so mad. When I find them, I am going to kill them myself.
No, you cannot kill them, because you said I could kill them !
I changed my mind. I am going to kill them ! You cannot change your mind.
You said I could kill them. I am going to kill them.
I am getting very frustration because you do not let me kill anybody !
Come on, man. We're getting out of here.
I don't like it here ! Well, get up !
- Come on. - No, no, shh. Okay, you can kill them.
- We're in a restaurant. - There's that stupid restaurant too.
Oh, I'm good, man. This will make quite a killing in the stock market.
[ Slyman Laughing ] [ Habib ] Who kill the stock market ?
Ah, the pretty ladies.
Oh, wow--
[ Laughing ] You are sick !
You know, there's something fishy about those two.
Ah, there is something fishy about all of them.
[ Slyman Laughing ] Come. Come, ladies.
Ah, yes. [ Speaking French ]
Have a seat, please. Sit down.
Bonsoir. Ca va ? Yeah.
Ca va, bonsoir and ca va. Ca va.
Where are we going, man ? We're in the bathroom, man.
A bathroom. Oh, thank God.
You okay ? Yeah, I just gotta go pee, man.
Don't try to throw up.
Oh ! Shit, what are we gonna do, man ?
[ Sighing ]
[ Laughing ]
Well, it's an Arabian joke. Maybe you don't get it.
Here's a toast to your blue eyes.
[ French Continues ]
[ Laughing ] Excusez-moi !
Oh, yes, yes. Of course.
Yes.
[ Laughing Continues ]
Ah. It's incredible.
Every five minutes, they've got to pee pees.
Yes, well, that's the problem when you have open plumbing.
God, man, if you don't stop soon, we're gonna have to build an ark.
I can't stop, man.
Well, just tie it in a knot or something, man. God.
[ French Continues ]
Hey, man ! Shh !
[ Toilet Flushes ]
[ Whispering, Indistinct ]
[ Both Giggling ]
Let's get out of here, man. Oh ! Ow !
Oh. Excuse me, um, are you all right ?
Oh, yeah. We're okay. We're just looking for a contact lens.
What is the problem here ? Oh, lost a lens.
[ All Chattering At Once ]
Have you looked in your beard, madame ?
Have you looked in your beard ?
What are those people doing over there ?
Ah, crazy Americans.
Must be a new disco dance. Ah, yes, yes, of course.
When the ladies come back, we join them. [ Laughs ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
I have your separate checks. If you could pay.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, man. Hey, where are we, man ?
[ Man ] Ronnie, I haven't seen you in ages. How are you ?
Why are we on our hands and--
[ Screams ] Oh, it's you guys !
Oh, thank you so much for all that money you gave me. Look what it got me.
Those girls are those guys ! Yaaaa !
You're lookin' good. Where are you going ?
Hey. Yaaaa !
Wait, your checks ! I've got your beer !
Piss.
[ Man Whistles ]
[ Whistling Continues ]
What are we running for, man ?
Never mind, man. Just come on. Run. [ Horns Honking ]
Woman with a baby coming through. Watch out !
My feet really hurt ! [ Whistling Continues ]
I wanna go back to the desert.
- [ Tires Screeching ] - You stupid idiot !
- Look, there they are ! - Shit.
Quick !
What, man ? Ladies, go right in.
[ Screaming ] Stop them !
[ Arguing, Indistinct ]
I'll call the police ! I'll call the police ! No, no, no police.
We have many tickets here. Thank you very much.
Ow, you stupid idiot !
Put that knife away ! It's dark. I cannot see.
You're going to kill me.
Where are those guys ? I don't know. I cannot see anything.
[ Woman Moaning On Screen ] Oh, it smells terrible in here.
Yes, it smells like wet camels.
Where are they ?
[ Moaning Continues ]
Sit down ! Hey, sit down, you !
Who dares tell me to sit down, huh ? Who said that ?
Shh, shut up. Do you know who you're talking to ?
Sit down. Sit down.
[ Moaning Continues ]
There's something on the seat. Come. Let's move.
It's that smell like your bedsheets.
Where are those guys ?
I don't know. Where are they ?
[ Movie: Buzzing ] Look ! There they are.
- Those guys ! - [ Moaning Continues ]
[ Buzzing, Moaning Continue ]
I don't understand. We chase them in here, and now they are up there.
I don't understand. How can it be ? Shut up and listen, idiot.
How could they do that to us ?
They are not doing it to us. They are doing it to them !
[ Moaning Continues ]
Look. They don't even like 'em. They whip 'em.
That's good.
They don't whip them very hard. No.
I would hit them a lot harder.
Ah, but look where she puts the whip.
[ Groaning ]
He doesn't like that, either. [ Laughing ]
Ah, that is good. That's what I would do.
I know. It hurts very much.
What is that ? What is that ?
It looks like some kind of sea monster.
It's scary.
Yes.
It look like Uncle Tanuz when he take out his eye.
[ Moaning Continues ]
Focus ! Focus, you idiot !
[ Slyman ] Look, it has teeth.
Teeth, teeth, teeth. Ah.
Encore, encore. Oui.
[ French Continues ]
Oui. Oui.
[ Zipper Unzips ] Encore.
Encore ! [ Moaning Continues ]
Oui ! Oui ! Oui ! Oui !
Encore !
Oui ! [ Cheech ] I never did this !
Put that thing away, you stupid idiot !
You want to go blind ?
[ French, Moaning Continue ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Bed Squeaking ]
Oui ! Oui ! Oui !
[ Yells ] Stop that !
Encore.
Oui ! Oui ! Oui ! Oui !
[ French Continues ]
Encore. Encore.
[ French, Moaning Continue ]
[ Chong ] Hey, I got rocks in my pantyhose, man.
You got rocks in your head for ever gettin' us involved in this shit, man.
I don't know how these brides wear all this shit.
We should have stayed in Chicago. At least it was cold there.
I wouldn't wear this crap-- Hey, we got a ride, man.
Hey, hold up ! Hey, come on, man.
Wait. Oh, wow. What a trip !
Oh, wow. Hey, thanks for giving us a ride.
Uh-- It's the Fifis !
It's your Fifis, man ! Hey, Fifis ! How you doing ?
Wow, are we glad to see yous guys.
Ain't that a trip ? Hey, baby, how's it going ?
Hey, that's no tripping too. We saw you in the movies. [ Laughing ]
Hey, wait a minute, man. What ?
If they're here--
[ Power Window Rolling Down ]
Good morning, gentlemen.
[ Slyman Laughing ]
Make yourselves very comfortable.
Because we have a very special surprise planned for you.
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Giggles ]
[ Laughing ] This is perfect. Perfect.
Yes. This is so perfect. Yes.
Okay. We kill them here, and we bury them over there. What do you think ?
No, we don't kill them. No, we kill them. We bury them. Soft ground.
We don't kill them. We don't kill them ?
We are going to make movies. [ Laughing ]
Fantastic. I love it ! Yes. Mm-hmm.
We make a movie of me killing them.
Ah, it will be in color so we see the blood.
I love it. A long movie-- four hours.
Maybe 3-D. I love it. Fantastic.
No, we don't make those movies. We make porno movies.
These boys are stars. We don't kill them ?
No ! Why didn't I think of this before. This is perfect way to launder all the money.
We make movies. We'll write off everything.
And then we go way over budget. [ Laughing ]
We will never have to worry about money again.
It is genius. Fantastic.
[ Laughing ] Slyman, you are a genius.
And so is Habib.
[ Giggles ]
[ Cheech Narrating ] Hey, man, I bet you thought we'd had it, huh ?
Hey, man, so did we ! But as things turned out,
all we had to do was go back and make love to these girls 24 hours a day.
Hey, but at least we had a job, you know ?
'Cause, hey, things are tough all over.
** [ Funk ]
[ Man Singing Gibberish ]
* Things are tough all over
[ Gibberish Continues ]
* Things are tough all over
[ Gibberish Continues ]
* Things are tough all over