1
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:43,280
<font color="#79ff6c">You look smart, Mr Blackadder.
<font color="#79ff6c">Going somewhere nice?<font color="#fff079"> No.

2
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:48,320
<font color="#fff079">I'm off to the theatre.
<font color="#79ff6c">Don't you like it?<font color="#fff079"> No.

3
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:56,120
<font color="#fff079">Actors thrusting their chests out
<font color="#fff079">so far you'd think their nipples
<font color="#fff079">were attached to an elephant!

4
00:00:56,160 --> 00:01:01,080
<font color="#fff079">And having to go
<font color="#fff079">with Prince Mini-brain!

5
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:06,440
<font color="#79ff6c">Doesn't he like it?<font color="#fff079"> He loves it.
<font color="#fff079">But he doesn't realise it's made up.

6
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:13,039
<font color="#fff079">Last year, the Prince yelled out
<font color="#fff079">"Look behind you, Mr Caesar"!

7
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:18,960
<font color="#79ff6c">All that sex and violence!
<font color="#79ff6c">I get enough of that at home...

8
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,800
<font color="#79ff6c">Apart from the sex, of course.

9
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,240
<font color="#fff079">Give this palace a good clean.

10
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:32,320
<font color="#fff079">It would be unacceptable
<font color="#fff079">to a dung beetle that had
<font color="#fff079">really let itself go!

11
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:37,680
<<font color="#b3feff"> Come along, Blackadder!
<font color="#fff079">Coming, sir, as fast as I can.

12
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,880
<font color="#fff079">Stick the kettle on, Baldrick.

13
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:48,640
Sir, I give this advice to thee –
NEVER, EVER trust thine enemy!

14
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:57,600
ARRGGGHHH ! Aaarrggghhhhh !
Argh...!

15
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:01,120
< Thy life is...
< Argh!

16
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:09,520
Thy life is forfeit,
And at an end,

17
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:14,040
We hope our play pleased you,
friends.

18
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:21,680
<font color="#b3feff">Certainly not, murdering rotter!
<font color="#b3feff">Guards, arrest him!
<font color="#fff079">It's only a play!

19
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:28,680
<font color="#b3feff">Saying "It's only a play"
<font color="#b3feff">won't feed the little ones
<font color="#b3feff">he left behind!

20
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,240
<font color="#fff079">But he's not dead! See...

21
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:37,840
<font color="#b3feff">That's very clever! I thought
<font color="#b3feff">he was dead! Bravo! Bravo!

22
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:45,200
Blast!
The Prince likes it!
We'll close tonight!

23
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,480
SCREAMS
Smash the Spinning Jenny!

24
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:54,520
Destroy the Going Up and Down
and Moving Along a Bit Gertrude!

25
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,720
And death to the stupid Prince!

26
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:01,640
<font color="#b3feff">This play's getting better! Bravo!

27
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,520
TOTAL SILENCE >

28
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:12,040
<<font color="#fff079"> It's not a play any more, sir.
<font color="#fff079">Just put the bomb down and make
<font color="#fff079">your way quietly to the exit.

29
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:17,040
<font color="#b3feff">You can't tell when something's
<font color="#b3feff">real and when it's not!

30
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,200
<font color="#b3feff">I must say, that was a close shave.

31
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:28,360
<font color="#b3feff">Why on earth would an anarchist
<font color="#b3feff">want to kill YOU !?

32
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,079
<font color="#fff079">It may have been YOU he was after.

33
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,040
<font color="#b3feff">Hogwash! What makes you say that!?

34
00:03:36,079 --> 00:03:44,240
<font color="#fff079">My suspicions were aroused by his
<font color="#fff079">words "Death to the stupid Prince."
<font color="#b3feff">That was a bit rude, wasn't it?

35
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,440
<font color="#fff079">The American Revolution
<font color="#fff079">lost your father the colonies,

36
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,280
<font color="#fff079">the French murdered King Louis,

37
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,040
<font color="#fff079">and there are rumblings in Prussia,

38
00:03:55,079 --> 00:03:56,920
<font color="#fff079">though that may be the sausages.

39
00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:02,040
<font color="#fff079">The cry is "Freedom, and a few less
<font color="#fff079">fat bastards eating all the pie!"

40
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:08,040
<font color="#b3feff">..Yes, quite.
<font color="#b3feff">Something must be done. Any ideas?

41
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,960
<font color="#fff079">Next week is your father's birthday.

42
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:19,800
<font color="#fff079">I could write a brilliant speech
<font color="#fff079">for you to show the masses
<font color="#fff079">how unusually sensitive you are.

43
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:24,960
<font color="#b3feff">Prthrp! But what are these masses
<font color="#b3feff">so worked up about?

44
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,800
<font color="#fff079">They are forced to have children

45
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:34,480
<font color="#fff079">to provide a cheap alternative
<font color="#fff079">to turkey at Christmas.

46
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:41,720
<font color="#fff079">Disease and deprivation
<font color="#fff079">stalk our land like...
<font color="#fff079">two giant stalking things.

47
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,360
<font color="#fff079">The workers wait to overthrow us.

48
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,600
<font color="#b3feff">My God, they're here!

49
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,000
<font color="#fff079">Don't be silly!

50
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:55,200
<font color="#b3feff">He looks like an oppressed mass
<font color="#b3feff">to me!

51
00:04:55,320 --> 00:05:02,280
<font color="#fff079">Shoo, Baldrick!
<font color="#fff079">I want that dining table so clean
<font color="#fff079">I could eat my dinner off it.

52
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:11,160
<font color="#b3feff">I'm dicing with death. The sooner
<font color="#b3feff">I show my unusual sensitivity,
<font color="#b3feff">the better.

53
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:15,160
BURP
<font color="#b3feff">I just had another brilliant idea!

54
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:23,000
<font color="#fff079">ANOTHER one (?)<font color="#b3feff"> Remember that one
<font color="#b3feff">about wearing underwear
<font color="#b3feff">on the outside to save on laundry?

55
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:30,800
<font color="#b3feff">Why don't we get those two actors
<font color="#b3feff">to teach me your speech? Brilliant!

56
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,280
<font color="#fff079">No, your Highness, feeble.<font color="#b3feff"> What!?

57
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,040
<font color="#fff079">I would advise against it.

58
00:05:37,159 --> 00:05:40,040
<font color="#b3feff">Well, tish and pish to your advice.

59
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:45,560
<font color="#b3feff">I'm fed up with you treating me
<font color="#b3feff">like a thicky! YOU'RE the thicky!

60
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:50,640
<font color="#b3feff">I'M a bloody prince
<font color="#b3feff">and you're only a butler,

61
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:55,360
<font color="#b3feff">Mr
<font color="#b3feff">Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky!

62
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:10,040
<font color="#fff079">Mrs Miggins, I'm looking
<font color="#fff079">for a couple of actors.
You've come to the right place.

63
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:15,160
There's more Shakespearian dialogue
in here than there are buns.

64
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:22,600
The actors pop in
on their way to rehearse,
for coffee and inspiration.

65
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:29,600
<font color="#fff079">Rehearse!? I thought they got drunk,
<font color="#fff079">stuck on a silly hat and trusted
<font color="#fff079">to luck. Oh!

66
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:37,360
There's ever so much hard work
goes into the wonderful magic
that is theatre today.

67
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:42,920
Still, you wouldn't know about that,
being only a little butler.

68
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:49,120
<font color="#fff079">They do say that verbal insults
<font color="#fff079">hurt more than physical pain.

69
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:56,560
<font color="#fff079">They are, of course, wrong,
<font color="#fff079">as you will soon discover
<font color="#fff079">when I stick this in your head.

70
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,440
< Please welcome Mr David Kearick!

71
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:08,240
And the fabulous
Mr Enoch Mossop!
SHE CHEERS

72
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:12,360
No autographs, please.
My usual, Mrs M.

73
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,760
Coming up.

74
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:22,760
<font color="#fff079">If I can squeeze through
<font color="#fff079">this admiring rabble...(!)
<font color="#fff079">I have a proposition.

75
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:31,040
Just because we're actors, you think
we sleep with everyone!<font color="#fff079"> Actors are
<font color="#fff079">lucky to sleep with ANYone!

76
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:36,360
<font color="#fff079">I came here to ask for
<font color="#fff079">elocution lessons for my employer.

77
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:41,400
Sir, that is impossible.
We are rehearsing our new play.

78
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:46,880
We could not possibly betray
our beloved audience.

79
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:54,159
Mustn't upset the punters.
Bums on seats, laddie.
<font color="#fff079">What play is this?

80
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,120
It is a piece we penned ourselves,

81
00:07:57,159 --> 00:08:05,000
called "The Bloody Murder
of the Foul Prince Romero
and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife."

82
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,000
<font color="#fff079">A philosophical work (?)

83
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:17,080
Indeed. The violence of the murder
and the vastness of the bosom
are justified artistically.

84
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:24,760
<font color="#fff079">I'll tell the Prince you can't help.
The Prince!?<font color="#fff079"> Didn't I mention that?
<font color="#fff079">Shame you can't make it. Still...

85
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,800
No, no, no, no,
please wait, sir.

86
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:34,919
I think we CAN find some time,
do you not, Mr Keanrick?

87
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,840
Indeed!<font color="#fff079"> But your beloved audience?

88
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:44,240
Sod the proles!
Worthless bastards to a man!

89
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:51,800
<font color="#fff079">It's nice to see artistic integrity
<font color="#fff079">thriving so strongly (!)
<font color="#fff079">This afternoon at the Palace, then.

90
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,520
<font color="#b3feff">Well, what do you think?

91
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,240
<font color="#fff079">Are you ill or something?

92
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:05,640
<font color="#b3feff">I'm trying to look like an actor.
<font color="#fff079">Well, you don't need the moustache.

93
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,520
<font color="#b3feff">No?<font color="#fff079"> No.<font color="#b3feff"> Arghh!

94
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,560
<font color="#b3feff">It's that oppressed mass again!

95
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:21,360
<font color="#fff079">No, it's Baldrick, spring-cleaning.
<font color="#b3feff">Oh, so it is.
<font color="#fff079">Finish later, Baldrick.

96
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:25,760
<font color="#79ff6c">The cleaning or being strangled?
<font color="#fff079">Either.

97
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:32,240
<font color="#b3feff">Are you sure we can even trust
<font color="#b3feff">these acting fellows?

98
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:38,400
<font color="#b3feff">The last time I went to the theatre
<font color="#b3feff">3 of them murdered Julius Caesar!

99
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:45,960
<font color="#fff079">As I've told you about eight times,
<font color="#fff079">the man playing Julius Caesar
<font color="#fff079">was an actor called Kemp!

100
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,280
<font color="#b3feff">Really?<font color="#fff079"> Yes!

101
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:54,640
<font color="#b3feff">Gherkins! Brutus must have been
<font color="#b3feff">miffed when he found out.<font color="#fff079"> What!?

102
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,440
<font color="#b3feff">That he'd only killed
<font color="#b3feff">a poxy actor.

103
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:05,240
<font color="#b3feff">Did he go to Caesar's place after
<font color="#b3feff">the play to kill him?<font color="#fff079"> (Oh, God!)

104
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:11,760
↑
LOUD KNOCKING
<font color="#79ff6c">Is that the door?

105
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:19,520
KNOCK
<font color="#fff079">It's just the actors.
<font color="#79ff6c">My uncle was in a play.
<font color="#fff079">Oh?<font color="#79ff6c"> Called "Macbeth".

106
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,240
KNOCK
<font color="#fff079">What did he play?

107
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:28,600
KNOCK
<font color="#79ff6c">Second cod-piece. Macbeth wore him
<font color="#79ff6c">in the fight scenes.

108
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:32,520
KNOCK
<font color="#fff079">So he was a STUNT cod-piece?

109
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,680
KNOCK
<font color="#79ff6c">Yes.

110
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,280
KNOCK
<font color="#fff079">Did he have a large part?

111
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:43,240
KNOCK

112
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,120
KNOCK
<font color="#79ff6c">Depends who was playing Macbeth.

113
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:54,080
<font color="#fff079">Actors are very superstitious.
<font color="#fff079">On no account mention the word
<font color="#fff079">"Macbeth" this evening.<font color="#79ff6c"> Why not?

114
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,920
<font color="#fff079">Because it brings them bad luck.

115
00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,560
<font color="#79ff6c">So you won't mention it either?<font color="#fff079"> No.

116
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,320
KNOCK
<font color="#fff079">Well, not very often.

117
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:12,160
Our knocks were loud enough
<font color="#fff079">You should have knocked (!)
to wake the hounds of hell !

118
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,240
Lead on, Macduff.
I shall...

119
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:26,320
lest you continue the quotation
and mention the Scottish play.

120
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,520
Never fear, I shan't do that!

121
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,640
<font color="#fff079">I assume you mean...Macbeth.

122
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:39,040
Argh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls,
but we'll make amends! OW !

123
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:44,120
<font color="#fff079">What was that?
Exorcising evil spirits.

124
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:51,520
Being but a butler, you cannot know
the tradition that one never speaks
the name of the Scottish play.

125
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:57,040
<font color="#fff079">What, Macbeth? Arghh!
Hot potato, orchestra stalls...

126
00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,560
<font color="#fff079">You do that whenever I say Macbeth?

127
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:05,640
Arghh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls,
but we'll make amends. OW !

128
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:10,960
Please stop saying that!
Call it "the Scottish play"!

129
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,400
<font color="#fff079">The Scottish play? Yes!<font color="#fff079"> Not Macbeth.

130
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:18,680
Arghh! Hot potato, orchestra stalls,
but we'll make amends.

131
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,360
<font color="#b3feff">For heaven's sake,

132
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,280
<font color="#b3feff">what is all this hullabaloo!?

133
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:29,160
<font color="#b3feff">It's like that play...eh...?
<font color="#fff079">Macbeth? Arghh!

134
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,840
REPEAT VERSE

135
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,880
<font color="#b3feff">No, it was called "Julius Caesar".

136
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,600
<font color="#fff079">Oh, yes, Julius Caesar...

137
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:42,920
<font color="#fff079">not MacBeth. Argh!
Hot potato, orchestra stalls...OW !

138
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,920
<font color="#fff079">You're sure you want them to stay?

139
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,560
I<font color="#b3feff"> asked them, Mr Thicky Butler!

140
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:54,880
Your Highness, may I say
what an honour this is?<font color="#b3feff"> Certainly.

141
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:59,960
What an honour it is to be invited
to make merry in the halls

142
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:05,240
of our King's loins'
most glorious outpourings.

143
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,880
<font color="#b3feff">Yugh!

144
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,160
Shall we begin?
<font color="#b3feff">Yes. I've got...

145
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:18,400
Before we inspect the script,
let us have a look at stance.<font color="#b3feff"> Right.

146
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:23,520
The ordinary fellow stands like...
well, as you do now.

147
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,560
Whereas your hero
stands...thus.

148
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,080
<font color="#b3feff">Like this?

149
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:35,160
Excellent, your highness.
Even more so.<font color="#b3feff"> Like that?

150
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,960
PHWRRT !

151
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,720
<font color="#b3feff">..What was that?

152
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:46,120
It wasn't ME ! We are used
to standing in this position.

153
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,520
PHWRRT !

154
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,360
<font color="#b3feff">It came from over here...!

155
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:58,800
<font color="#b3feff">ANARCHIST !<font color="#79ff6c"> CLEANER !<font color="#b3feff"> So you've
<font color="#b3feff">had a wash. That's no excuse!
<font color="#b3feff">Die, traitor!<font color="#79ff6c"> Arghh!

156
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:04,960
<font color="#fff079">That's Baldrick!<font color="#b3feff"> He's got a bomb!
<font color="#fff079">It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge.

157
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:10,160
<font color="#b3feff">So it is. Well, get it out of here
<font color="#b3feff">before it explodes.

158
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:21,560
<font color="#b3feff">Now then, stance... Ah, yes, sire.
Your very posture tells me
"Here is a man of true greatness."

159
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,920
<font color="#fff079">Or "Please kick my genitals" (!)

160
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:33,880
Sir, I really must ask
that this ill-educated oaf
be removed from the room.

161
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:41,040
Your presence is as much use
as fine-bone china at a tea-party
for drunken elephants!

162
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:46,440
<font color="#b3feff">Yes, get out, Blackadder, and stop
<font color="#b3feff">corking our juices.<font color="#fff079"> Certainly, sire.

163
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,240
<font color="#fff079">I'll leave you to dribble.

164
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,320
CLATTER

165
00:14:52,360 --> 00:15:00,640
<font color="#79ff6c">Something wrong, Mr B ?<font color="#fff079"> One more
<font color="#fff079">insult and I hand in my notice!
<font color="#79ff6c">Does that mean I'll be butler?

166
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:08,400
<font color="#fff079">Not unless a kindly passing surgeon
<font color="#fff079">opens your head with a spade
<font color="#fff079">and sticks a new brain in it.<font color="#79ff6c"> Oh.

167
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:15,360
<font color="#fff079">At the Butlers' Guild Christmas do
<font color="#fff079">I ALWAYS wear the red nose
<font color="#fff079">and pointy hat

168
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:20,520
<font color="#fff079">for winning the "Who's Got
<font color="#fff079">the Stupidest Master" competition!

169
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:29,040
<font color="#fff079">He better watch out or our contract
<font color="#fff079">will be as broken as this jug!
<font color="#79ff6c">But that jug isn't broken.

170
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,600
<font color="#fff079">You do walk into it!

171
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:43,960
Excellent. And now, sir,
at last, the speech.<font color="#b3feff"> Right.

172
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,640
<font color="#b3feff">Ahem... No, no!

173
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:51,440
Your Royal Highness,
what have you forgotten?

174
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:58,480
<font color="#b3feff">If I stand any more heroically
<font color="#b3feff">I may seriously disappoint
<font color="#b3feff">my future Queen.

175
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:05,640
No, not the stance, the r-o-a-r-r-r.
<font color="#b3feff">You want me to roar...?

176
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,320
Of course we do.

177
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:16,360
All great orators roar
before making their speeches.
Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet.

178
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:25,560
OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH,
to be or not to be...

179
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,400
From your Julius Caesar.

180
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:38,920
OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH,
friends, Romans, countrymen...

181
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,520
From a play connected with Scotland.

182
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,480
<font color="#fff079">That's MacBeth, isn't it? Arghh!

183
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,080
Hot potato, orchestra stalls...OW !

184
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,000
OWWW !
OWWWWW !

185
00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:02,000
Let's all roar together,
shall we? One...two...three...

186
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:07,520
<font color="#b3feff">OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH !
OH-OH-OH !
OH-OH-OH !

187
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:12,560
Excellent, sir!
Now try putting it all together.

188
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,960
<font color="#b3feff">WAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH !

189
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,400
VERY BLAND:
<font color="#b3feff">Unaccustomed as I am... No, sire!

190
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:29,400
I fear you MEW it
like a frightened tree.

191
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:33,560
And may I see the speech?
Thank you.

192
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,960
HAH !
Oh, no, no, no!

193
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,360
RIDICULING LAUGHTER

194
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,160
Who wrote this drivel !?

195
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,920
<font color="#fff079">Is there a problem with the speech?
PROBLEM !!?

196
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,200
<font color="#b3feff">The problem is that YOU wrote it,

197
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:03,640
<font color="#b3feff">Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-Can't-Write-
<font color="#b3feff">For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed!

198
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,560
<font color="#fff079">Whoops.

199
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,720
<font color="#79ff6c">Shall I get their supper, sir?<font color="#fff079"> Yes.

200
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:26,120
<font color="#fff079">Something that has passed through
<font color="#fff079">the cat's digestive system. Take it
<font color="#fff079">up yourself.<font color="#79ff6c"> Why?<font color="#fff079"> I'm leaving!

201
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,080
<font color="#fff079">I'm about to enter the job market.

202
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:33,040
<font color="#fff079">Let's see... Situations vacant.

203
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:40,840
<font color="#fff079">Mr and Mrs Pitt want a baby minder
<font color="#fff079">to take Pitt the Younger
<font color="#fff079">to Parliament.

204
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:48,800
<font color="#fff079">Someone called Stephenson
<font color="#fff079">has invented a moving kettle
<font color="#fff079">and wants help with the marketing.

205
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,760
<font color="#fff079">Here's a foreign opportunity.

206
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:59,400
<font color="#fff079">"Treacherous, malicious cad,
<font color="#fff079">preferable non-smoker,
<font color="#fff079">wanted to be King of Sardinia.

207
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:05,040
<font color="#fff079">"No time-wasters. Napoleon
<font color="#fff079">Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris."

208
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,960
<font color="#fff079">Right, we're on our way!

209
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,040
JOCULAR LAUGHTER

210
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,600
Oh, about costume. Any thoughts?

211
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,720
<font color="#b3feff">Well, enormous trousers, certainly.

212
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:24,040
<font color="#b3feff">And an admiral's uniform, because
<font color="#b3feff">we know what nice girls love!

213
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,240
<font color="#b3feff">I'll try them on. What a super idea.

214
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:34,800
<font color="#b3feff">Help yourself. You'll need a stiff
<font color="#b3feff">drink when you see these trousers!

215
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:39,960
My dear, what a ghastly evening.
Yes, love.

216
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:46,800
Let's have a quick read through
"The Murder of Prince Romero."

217
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,520
Act 1, scene 1 ?

218
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:54,520
"Spring comes and methinks 'tis time
To hack the Prince to death."

219
00:19:54,640 --> 00:20:02,160
<font color="#fff079">I'd like to say how much I'll miss
<font color="#fff079">your honest, friendly companionship.
<font color="#79ff6c">Thank you, Mr B.

220
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,240
<font color="#fff079">But we both know it's an utter lie.

221
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,040
<font color="#fff079">So I'll confine myself to a simple

222
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,560
<font color="#fff079">"Sod off!"

223
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,720
<font color="#fff079">If we meet again,
<font color="#fff079">it'll be 20 billion years too soon.

224
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,680
<font color="#79ff6c">Bye, you lazy, rubber-faced bastard.

225
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:30,600
<font color="#fff079">I fear that you will soon be eating
<font color="#fff079">those badly-chosen words.

226
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:35,760
<font color="#fff079">A groat says you won't survive
<font color="#fff079">5 minutes without me.<font color="#79ff6c"> Oh, come on!

227
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:42,520
<font color="#79ff6c">We're not going to get murdered,
<font color="#79ff6c">are we (?)<font color="#fff079"> Hope springs eternal (!)

228
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,360
BELL RINGS
<font color="#79ff6c">Coming!

229
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:52,520
< OH-OH-OH, let's kill the Prince!
< Who shall strike first?

230
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:58,320
Let me, and let this dagger
prick out his soft eyeball.

231
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:03,560
And sup with glee
upon its exquisite jelly.

232
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,400
Have you the stomach?

233
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,480
I haven't killed him yet,
But when I do,

234
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:15,280
I shall have the stomach
And the liver, too,

235
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:20,000
And the floppily-doppilies
in their horrid gloo.

236
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:24,240
What if a servant hears us?
< Ha!

237
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:29,400
Then shall we have
servant sausages for tea,

238
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:34,360
And servant rissoles
shall our supper be.

239
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:41,040
<font color="#79ff6c">MURDER ! MURDER !
<font color="#79ff6c">The revolution's started!<font color="#b3feff"> What!?

240
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:46,720
<font color="#79ff6c">A plot to kill you!<font color="#b3feff"> So you've come
<font color="#b3feff">clean, you bloody poor person!

241
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:51,920
<font color="#79ff6c">Not me, the actors!
<font color="#79ff6c">They're anarchists!<font color="#b3feff"> What!?<font color="#79ff6c"> Yes!

242
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:58,880
<font color="#79ff6c">They're going to suck
<font color="#79ff6c">on your floppily-doppilies!
<font color="#b3feff">What do we do!?

243
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:06,600
<font color="#79ff6c">Mr Blackadder says "When the going
<font color="#79ff6c">gets tough the tough hide under
<font color="#79ff6c">the table."<font color="#b3feff"> Where IS Blackadder!?

244
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:12,320
<font color="#79ff6c">He's in Sardinia.<font color="#b3feff"> What!?<font color="#79ff6c"> You were
<font color="#79ff6c">rude to him, so he left.<font color="#b3feff"> Oh, NO !

245
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:21,560
<font color="#b3feff">What a mad, blundering, incredibly
<font color="#b3feff">handsome nincompoop I've been!
<font color="#b3feff">They'll chop us up and eat us!

246
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,520
<font color="#79ff6c">AWW !<font color="#b3feff"> We're doomed!

247
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,200
FOOTSTEPS
<font color="#79ff6c">Sshhh!

248
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:34,000
FOOTSTEPS
AND WHIMPERING

249
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:41,760
<font color="#fff079">Good evening. 4 minutes 22 seconds,
<font color="#fff079">Baldrick. You owe me a groat.

250
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,160
<font color="#b3feff">We desperately need you!<font color="#fff079"> Me, sir?

251
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:51,240
<font color="#fff079">Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky.
<font color="#b3feff">Oh, tish, nonsense...!

252
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:55,360
<font color="#fff079">Mr Drivelly-Crappy-Butler-Weed?
<font color="#b3feff">Well...

253
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,680
<font color="#fff079">Who hasn't had a raise
<font color="#fff079">in a fortnight.

254
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:07,320
<font color="#b3feff">Take an extra thousand...
<font color="#b3feff">guineas...per month...
<font color="#fff079">All right. What's your problem?

255
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:13,440
<font color="#b3feff">The actors are going to kill us!
<font color="#fff079">They'll bore us to death?<font color="#b3feff"> Stab us!

256
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:18,840
<font color="#b3feff">Baldrick heard them.<font color="#fff079"> Did they mean
<font color="#fff079">it?<font color="#b3feff"> How far apart were their legs?

257
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,200
<font color="#79ff6c">This far.<font color="#b3feff"> Their nipples?<font color="#79ff6c"> That far.

258
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,880
<font color="#b3feff">They meant it!<font color="#fff079"> I'll do what I can.

259
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:29,960
To torture him I lust,
and singe his hair,

260
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,560
And up his nostrils
hot bananas thrust.

261
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,120
<font color="#fff079">Rehearsals going well ? Begone!

262
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:44,800
A butler with the intellect
of an apricot can be of no use to us.

263
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:52,680
You're as irritating as a cactus
in a monkey's pyjamas.

264
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,280
<font color="#fff079">Then I won't interrupt you
<font color="#fff079">any longer.

265
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,640
<font color="#fff079">Sorry to disturb you, gentlemen.

266
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:05,880
<font color="#b3feff">Thank God it's you! What happened?

267
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:10,120
<font color="#fff079">It's all perfectly straightforward.
<font color="#b3feff">Well ?

268
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:16,520
<font color="#fff079">They're traitors. They must be
<font color="#fff079">arrested, tortured and executed.

269
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,680
<font color="#b3feff">Bravo...!

270
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:25,440
↑
There's been a terrible mistake!
<font color="#fff079">That's what they were BOUND to say.

271
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:31,440
It was a play! All the words
are written down on that paper!

272
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:36,680
<font color="#fff079">Textbook stuff. Criminals always
<font color="#fff079">make one tiny but fatal mistake.

273
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:43,000
<font color="#fff079">Theirs was to have the entire plot
<font color="#fff079">printed and published.

274
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,880
<font color="#fff079">Take them away! Mercy!!
Mercy!!

275
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,880
<font color="#fff079">I've one thing to say...MacBeth!

276
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,880
Arghhh!
Hot potato, orchestra stalls...

277
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,960
<font color="#b3feff">How can I ever thank you, Bladder?

278
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,920
<font color="#fff079">By not calling me Bladder! MACBETH!

279
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:05,720
<font color="#b3feff">Right, Bladder. No hard feelings?

280
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:11,720
<font color="#fff079">None, sir. It's good to be back
<font color="#fff079">in the saddle...I mean harness.

281
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:16,120
<font color="#b3feff">So we're still friends?<font color="#fff079"> Absolutely.
<font color="#b3feff">Hurrah!

282
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:25,280
<font color="#fff079">In fact, I thought
<font color="#fff079">we might celebrate by staging
<font color="#fff079">a little play that I've written.

283
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:30,640
<font color="#b3feff">Excellent! With my new acting skill,
<font color="#b3feff">might there be a part for me?

284
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:36,240
<font color="#fff079">I'd hoped you'd play the title role.
<font color="#b3feff">Great! What's the play called?

285
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:42,400
<font color="#fff079">"Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks
<font color="#fff079">and Gets Pelted with Tomatoes."

286
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,840
<font color="#b3feff">Excellent!

287
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:29,680
Subtitles by Chas Donaldson