1 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,264 There it is. 2 00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:59,434 My house at good old Cleveland Street. 3 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,811 How could I ever forget it? 4 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,689 And there I am, with that dumb, round face... 5 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,817 . . .and that stupid stocking cap. 6 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,778 But no matter. Christmas was on its way. 7 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:17,452 Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year revolved. 8 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,936 Downtown Hohman was prepared for its yearly bacchanalia. . . 9 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,356 . . .of peace on Earth and goodwill to men. 10 00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:40,660 Higbees' corner window was traditionally a high-water mark. . . 11 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:43,830 ...of the pre-Christmas season. 12 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,958 First-nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff. . . 13 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:52,338 . . .jostled in wonderment before a golden, tinkling display. . . 14 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:57,593 . . .of mechanized, electronic joy. 15 00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,972 There it is. 16 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,308 The holy grail of Christmas gifts. 17 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:50,396 The Red Ryder 200-shot range model air rifle. 18 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,982 And there he is. 19 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,151 Red Ryder himself. 20 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:57,486 In his hand was the knurled stock. . . 21 00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:04,160 . . .of as coolly, deadly looking a piece of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on. 22 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,208 For weeks, I had been scheming to get my mitts. . . 23 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:15,171 . . .on one of these fearsome blue-steel beauties. 24 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:19,175 My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up... 25 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:22,637 ...with the infinitely subtle devices necessary... 26 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:26,849 ...to implant the Red Ryder range model air rifle indelibly... 27 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,393 . . .into my parents' subconscious. 28 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:32,146 Ralphie! Randy! 29 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,315 Down here in two minutes. 30 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,359 And I mean two minutes. 31 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:40,321 Come on, Ralphie! I got here first! 32 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,036 Cut it out. 33 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:15,731 My mother, grabbing for her copy of Look magazine... 34 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:21,153 ...would find herself cleverly trapped into reading a Red Ryder sales pitch. 35 00:05:23,115 --> 00:05:26,117 They traded Bullfrog. I don't believe it. 36 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,576 What's that? 37 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,329 Well, for chrissakes, the Sox traded Bullfrog. . . 38 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,748 . . .the only player they've got, for Shottenhoffer. 39 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,584 Four Eyes Shottenhoffer, utility infielder. 40 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,838 Got a whole goddamned team of utility infielders. 41 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,256 That's nice. 42 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:43,467 Ralphie, on the double! 43 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,345 Did you hear about this guy who swallowed a yo-yo? 44 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:47,888 Swallowed a yo-yo? 45 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,265 Yeah, on a bet. 46 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,518 Some clodhopper down in Griffith, Indiana. 47 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:56,022 Boy, they write the silliest things in the newspapers. 48 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,440 What do you mean silly? 49 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,816 I mean, that's real news. 50 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,902 That's not like that politics slop. 51 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:07,283 What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse? 52 00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,452 Victor. His name is Victor. 53 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,037 How the hell did you know that? 54 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,456 Everybody knows that. 55 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,959 Is that another one of your silly puzzles? 56 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,295 Yeah, it's another one of my silly puzzles. 57 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:23,883 Could be worth 50,000 bucks. 58 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,010 What kind is it this time? 59 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:29,555 Name the great characters in American literature. 60 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,348 -Victor? -Yeah. 61 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,768 The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse? 62 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:37,104 Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. 63 00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,647 It had to be firm, but subtle. 64 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,984 Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store. 65 00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:51,952 They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. 66 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:56,999 I could tell I was in imminent danger of overplaying my hand. 67 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,710 Casually, I switched tactics. 68 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,378 Hey, Dad. 69 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:05,132 I'll bet you'll never guess what I got for you for Christmas. 70 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,594 A new furnace. 71 00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:11,806 That's a good one, Dad. 72 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:18,687 My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana. 73 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,524 Hurry up, you're gonna be late for school. 74 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,026 Yeah, yeah. I'm running late already. 75 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,487 Round one was over. 76 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:30,282 Parents, one. Kids, zip. 77 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,577 I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. 78 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,539 Maybe what happened next was inevitable. 79 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,291 Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas? 80 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,627 Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out. 81 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:46,382 I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-range model air rifle. 82 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,135 No. Shoot your eye out. 83 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,888 Oh, no, it was the classic mother BB gun block: 84 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,974 "You'll shoot your eye out." 85 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,935 That deadly phrase uttered many times before... 86 00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,688 ...by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable. . . 87 00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:02,815 ...by any means known to Kid-dom. 88 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,944 But such was my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine. . . 89 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:11,198 . . .that I immediately began to rebuild the dike. 90 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,741 I was just kidding. 91 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,910 Even though Flick is getting one. 92 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,871 I guess I'd just like some Tinkertoys. 93 00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,123 I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinkertoys? 94 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:20,833 She'd never buy it. 95 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,960 BB guns are dangerous. 96 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,795 I don't want anybody shooting his eye out. 97 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,052 Randy, will you eat? 98 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,055 There are starving people in China. 99 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,400 Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders. . . 100 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,903 . . .burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen. . . 101 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,654 . . .where only you and you alone... 102 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:55,618 ...stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil. 103 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,623 Save us. 104 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,126 Save us, Ralphie. 105 00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:09,423 I just knowed those bad guys would be coming for us in the end. 106 00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:13,052 Don't worry, Dad. As long as I got Ol' Blue. 107 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,974 Well, now, what have we got here, folks? 108 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:22,228 Well, we figure it's Black Bart, Ralph. 109 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:26,106 Well, just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine action. . . 110 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,651 . . .200-shot range model air rifle. 111 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:31,487 Lucky I got a compass in the stock. 112 00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:35,032 -Well, I think I better have a look here. -Don't worry, son. 113 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:51,882 -Oh, no, it's Ol' Blue. -Ol' Blue. 114 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,926 Oh, no. 115 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,680 Seize him, boys! The jig is up! 116 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,693 Killed another one. Oh, he's a deadeye, ain't he? 117 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,782 He's getting him. 118 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:20,119 Okay, Ralphie. 119 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,790 You win this time, but we'll be back. 120 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,462 Adiós, Bart. 121 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:34,049 But if you do come back, you'll be pushing up daisies. 122 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,141 -And don't you forget it. -Well, son, you saved us. 123 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,559 We were goners for sure. 124 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,102 And you saved us. 125 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,604 Hallelujah! 126 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,232 Go on ! Beat it! 127 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:57,698 The Olds. Nothing but Oldsmobile. That pile of junk. 128 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,451 That goddamned Olds has froze up again. 129 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,078 Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. 130 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:05,581 My father was an Oldsmobile man. 131 00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:10,127 That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator. 132 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:13,672 -Little pitchers. -And hold it! 133 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,605 It's a clinker! 134 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:31,815 That blasted stupid furnace. 135 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,109 Goddamn it. 136 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,699 Damn skates. 137 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,953 Oh, for chrissake, open up the damper, will you? 138 00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,248 Who the hell turned it all the way down again?! 139 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,542 Oh, blast it! 140 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,961 Blurred rattle crash camel flirt! 141 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,632 You block-head battled piece jerk off trash ! 142 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:04,306 In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity. . . 143 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,808 . . .that, as far as we know... 144 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:08,769 . . .is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan. 145 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:14,775 Gollywop-dopter-crop-dop- fratenhouse-stickelfeiffer! 146 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,865 Well, preparing to go to school... 147 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,035 . . .was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving. 148 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:46,390 Come on, Mom, we're gonna be late. 149 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,350 All right, Ralph. 150 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,271 My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop. 151 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,064 What? 152 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,818 What is it? 153 00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,868 -What is it? -I can't put my arms down. 154 00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:19,548 Well, put your arms down when you get to school. 155 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:29,183 Goddamn it! You. . . . 156 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,914 Hey, Flick, wait up. Wait up. 157 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,999 So, what are you doing? 158 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,002 What does it look like I'm doing, picking goobers? 159 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,754 Hey, listen, smartass. 160 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:02,799 I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to metal light poles in winter. 161 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:06,428 And he says it will freeze right to the pole, just like I told you. 162 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,389 Baloney. What would your old man know about anything? 163 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,225 He knows because he once saw a guy. . . 164 00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,936 . . .stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet. 165 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:17,606 And the fire department had to come to get the guy's tongue off the track. 166 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,399 Because he couldn't get it off. 167 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,401 Come on, guys, wait up! 168 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,237 Come on, guys! 169 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,990 -Come on, guys, wait up. -Out of the way, kid. 170 00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,493 Hey, kid. 171 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,579 I can't get up. 172 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,249 I can't get up! 173 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:37,626 Ralph ! Hey! 174 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:41,380 I can't get up, Ralphie! 175 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,131 Come on, Flick, wait up for me. 176 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:46,093 I can't get up! 177 00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,428 Ralph ! Hey! 178 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,848 -Come on, get up. Sit up. Come on. -I can't get up. 179 00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:57,187 You're okay. Come on, let's go. Come on, you're all right. 180 00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:04,945 Miss Shields. 181 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,364 Miss Shields, Miss Shields. 182 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:11,285 All right, everyone, take your seats, please. 183 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,252 Good morning, class. 184 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,298 Good morning, Miss Shields. 185 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,834 Open your books to page 32. 186 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:04,338 And as you'll remember, Silas Marner-- 187 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,558 You're full of beans and so is your old man. 188 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:17,934 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah ! 189 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,436 -Says who? -Says me. 190 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:20,854 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah ! 191 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,564 Well, I double-dare you. 192 00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:28,278 The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important. 193 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,696 Are you kidding? 194 00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:32,282 Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb. 195 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,409 That's because you know it will stick. 196 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,411 -You're full of it. -Oh, yeah? 197 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,081 -Yeah. -Well, I double-dog dare you ! 198 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,210 Now it was serious. A double-dog dare. 199 00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:45,253 What else was left but a triple dare you? 200 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,881 And finally, the coup de grâce of all dares: 201 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,759 -The sinister triple-dog dare. -You guys are really dumb. 202 00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:54,179 I triple-dog dare you ! 203 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:57,057 Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette... 204 00:16:57,225 --> 00:17:00,644 . . .by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat. 205 00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:03,063 All right, all right. 206 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,274 Come on, kid. 207 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,949 Well, go on, smartass, and do it. 208 00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,784 I'm going, I'm going. 209 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:20,080 Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. 210 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,542 There was no going back now. 211 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,587 This is no-- 212 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:34,136 Stuck? Stuck? Stuck! 213 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,556 Stuck! Stuck! Stuck! 214 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,433 Stuck! 215 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,603 -Stuck! Stuck! -Geez. It really works. 216 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,064 -Look at him. -It's stuck! 217 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,650 Hey, what have I done? 218 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,451 Don't leave, come back. 219 00:17:57,618 --> 00:18:00,912 -Come back. Don't leave me. Come back. -But the bell rang. 220 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,330 What are we gonna do?! 221 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,833 -I don't know. The bell rang. -Yeah. 222 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,295 Hey, don't leave me. Come back! 223 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:11,339 Come back! Come back. 224 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,219 Where's Flick? 225 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,014 Has anyone seen Flick? 226 00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:20,807 Flick? Flick who? 227 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,643 He was at recess, wasn't he? 228 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:28,023 Ralphie, do you know where Flick is? 229 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:37,699 I said, has anyone seen Flick? 230 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,368 Yes, Esther Jane? 231 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:49,044 Oh, my God. 232 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,358 Holy cow, it's the fire department. 233 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,360 Oh, no. 234 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,908 Wow, it's the cops. 235 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:18,300 Now, I know that some of you put Flick up to this. 236 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:22,137 But he has refused to say who. 237 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,267 But those who did it know their blame. 238 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:33,607 And I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse. . . 239 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,735 . . .than any punishment you might receive. 240 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:43,658 Now, don't you feel terrible? 241 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,495 Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? 242 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:52,751 Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick. 243 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,506 Adults love to say things like that, but kids know better. 244 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:02,344 We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught. 245 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,931 Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an assignment. 246 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,769 I want you to write a theme. 247 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,942 "What I Want for Christmas." 248 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,861 The clouds lifted. 249 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,364 And I want it handed in tomorrow morning. . . . 250 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,866 I saw a faint gleam of light. . . 251 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:27,911 . . .at the other end of the black cave of doom. 252 00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:32,207 I knew that when Miss Shields read my magnificent, eloquent theme. . . 253 00:21:32,375 --> 00:21:34,876 . . .that she would sympathize with my plight. . . 254 00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:38,338 . . .and everything would work out somehow. 255 00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:56,272 Boy, did you see how it stuck? 256 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:57,691 Did it hurt, Flick? 257 00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,567 No. I never felt a thing. 258 00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,236 It just caught me off-guard. 259 00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:02,821 You sure were bawling. 260 00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:04,531 I never bawled. 261 00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:07,617 Baloney. 262 00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:21,089 Scut Farkus. 263 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:23,425 Scut Farkus. What a rotten name. 264 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,843 We were trapped. 265 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,053 There he stood, between us and the alley. 266 00:22:27,388 --> 00:22:31,099 Scut Farkus, staring out at us with his yellow eyes. 267 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,475 He had yellow eyes. 268 00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:34,936 So help me, God, yellow eyes. 269 00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:52,620 Grover Dill, Farkus' crummy little toady. 270 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:57,125 Mean, rotten. His lips curled over his green teeth. 271 00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:58,960 Randy lay there like a slug. 272 00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:00,587 It was his only defense. 273 00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:07,844 -Say uncle. -Uncle. 274 00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:10,805 -Uncle. -Uncle! 275 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:13,141 -Louder! -Come on, get up. Now. 276 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:15,935 -Louder! -Uncle! 277 00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:18,772 -Louder. -Uncle! 278 00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:21,566 In our world, you were either a bully, a toady. . . 279 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:24,611 ...or one of the nameless rabble of victims. 280 00:23:24,779 --> 00:23:28,281 All right, who's next? 281 00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:50,887 Man. 282 00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:55,016 In the jungles of Kid-dom, the mind switches gears rapidly. 283 00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:56,518 Weeks ago, I had sent away... 284 00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,854 ...for my Little Orphan Annie secret society decoder pin. 285 00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:02,023 Oh, skunked again. 286 00:24:02,191 --> 00:24:04,776 No matter. Today, I had serious work to do. 287 00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,570 "What I want for Christmas. 288 00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:10,031 What I want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun. . . 289 00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:13,159 . . .with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time." 290 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:14,536 Wow, that's great. 291 00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:17,288 "I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. 292 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,707 They're very good for Christmas. 293 00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:23,419 I don't think that a football's a very good Christmas present." 294 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:27,298 Rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil. . . 295 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:29,843 ...with such feverish fluidity. 296 00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:39,144 I've won, I've won, I've won ! Hey, go on now. 297 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:40,562 Get out of here, you--! 298 00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:47,777 I've won, I've won. 299 00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:50,155 The Bumpus hounds. 300 00:24:50,531 --> 00:24:55,326 Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least 785 smelly hound dogs. 301 00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,705 And they ignored every other human being on earth but my old man. 302 00:24:58,873 --> 00:25:01,332 Dumb dogs. Get. 303 00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:03,501 I won. I won. 304 00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:07,755 -I won, I won, I won ! -What? What is it? What? 305 00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,967 A major prize, a major prize. I won, I won, I won ! 306 00:25:11,135 --> 00:25:14,304 Hey, look at that. Look at that. A Western Union telegram. 307 00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:17,682 Tonight tonight is gonna be the night Tonight tonight hot damn tonight 308 00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:21,352 -What does this mean here? -It means it's coming tonight! 309 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,563 I called Ernie McClosky at the freight depot. 310 00:25:23,731 --> 00:25:28,359 He said that the telegram was late, the prize was there, he'll send it on tonight. 311 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,405 Come on, have a chew, fellas, on me. It's my gift. 312 00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:38,286 You know, maybe it'll be one of those Spanish adobe houses down Coral Gate-- 313 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,042 Serves you right, you smelly buggers. 314 00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,211 Or it could be a bowling alley. 315 00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,963 You know, a guy on Terre Haute won a bowling alley. 316 00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:52,258 How are they gonna deliver a bowling alley here tonight? 317 00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:54,552 They could send the deed for chrissake. 318 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:59,265 I mean, I didn't expect they were gonna send the whole damn bowling alley. 319 00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:02,435 Yeah, well, how about eating, huh? I'm starving to death. 320 00:26:02,603 --> 00:26:05,563 Getting rich is hard work, kid. Come on. 321 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,615 Every family has a kid who won't eat. 322 00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:20,787 My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years. 323 00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:25,541 Oh, Randy, don't play with your food, eat it. 324 00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:27,835 Gee. 325 00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:30,338 Starving people would be happy to have that. 326 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,715 Can I have some more red cabbage? 327 00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:42,976 You stop playing with your food, or I'll give you something to cry about. 328 00:26:43,185 --> 00:26:46,521 You better stop fooling around with that and eat it, or you'll be sorry. 329 00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:52,694 Can I please have some more? 330 00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:57,699 My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years. 331 00:26:57,866 --> 00:27:02,036 Meat loaf, smeetloaf, double beetloaf. 332 00:27:02,204 --> 00:27:04,789 I hate meat loaf. 333 00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:07,834 All right. All right, I'll get that kid to eat. 334 00:27:08,002 --> 00:27:09,752 Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? 335 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,630 -I'll open up his mouth and shove it in. -Randy. 336 00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:14,882 My mother was more subtle. 337 00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,926 How do the little piggies go? 338 00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:20,555 That's right: 339 00:27:20,723 --> 00:27:23,891 Now, show me how the piggies eat. This is your trough. 340 00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:27,353 Show me how the piggies eat. 341 00:27:27,521 --> 00:27:30,231 Be a good boy. Show Mommy how the piggies eat. 342 00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,132 Oh, my God. 343 00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,430 Mommy's little piggy. 344 00:28:23,327 --> 00:28:25,286 It is here. 345 00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:32,752 -Yeah. -Are you Parker? 346 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,670 -Yeah. -All right, sign here, will you? 347 00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:36,923 -Well, what is it? -I don't know. 348 00:28:37,091 --> 00:28:38,591 What's in it? 349 00:28:38,759 --> 00:28:40,468 Here. Bring it in, huh? 350 00:28:40,636 --> 00:28:42,929 Okay, boys. Haul that on in here. Move your tails. 351 00:28:43,097 --> 00:28:44,972 Yeah. Bring it right on in. Right here. 352 00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:48,267 Bring it ahead. Straight ahead. That's right. 353 00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:51,312 -Right. -Here, bring it right, right on in, fellas. 354 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:52,897 That's it. Here we go. 355 00:28:53,065 --> 00:28:54,315 A little more. 356 00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,859 A little more. That's it. 357 00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:01,030 Watch the lady. 358 00:29:08,664 --> 00:29:12,458 -That's it. -Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. 359 00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:15,878 -Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. -Okay. 360 00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:19,173 "Fragile." 361 00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:22,760 -It must be Italian. -I think that says fragile, honey. 362 00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,679 Oh, yeah. 363 00:29:25,848 --> 00:29:27,765 Here we go. 364 00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:35,690 Jeez, they really did a job on this, you know? 365 00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:43,865 No, here, Ralph, hold that. 366 00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:47,034 Here we go. 367 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:52,957 Honey, there could be anything in there. 368 00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,667 Jesus. 369 00:29:57,337 --> 00:29:58,629 Maybe they forgot. 370 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,841 No, it's in there. It's gotta be in there. 371 00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:08,347 Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy. 372 00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:14,270 -What? -Would you look at that? 373 00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:17,690 What is it? 374 00:30:17,858 --> 00:30:19,984 Well, it's a leg. 375 00:30:20,235 --> 00:30:21,527 But what is it? 376 00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:25,364 Well, it's a leg. You know, like in a statue. 377 00:30:25,532 --> 00:30:28,075 -Statue? -Yeah, statue. 378 00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:30,745 Yeah, statue. 379 00:30:30,913 --> 00:30:32,205 Ralphie. . . . 380 00:30:32,372 --> 00:30:34,373 My mother was trying to insinuate herself. . . 381 00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,417 . . .between us and the statue. 382 00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:38,586 Holy smoke, would you. . .? 383 00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,171 Do you know what this is? 384 00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:44,258 This is a lamp. 385 00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:47,094 -It was indeed a lamp. -Isn't that great? 386 00:30:47,763 --> 00:30:49,555 What a great lamp. 387 00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:51,057 Well, I don't know. 388 00:30:52,893 --> 00:30:55,686 Here, hold it. Hold it. Here, go on. 389 00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:58,648 The old man's eyes boggled... 390 00:30:59,441 --> 00:31:00,775 ...overcome by art. 391 00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,944 And I know just the place for it. 392 00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:07,323 Right in the middle of our front-room window. 393 00:31:15,332 --> 00:31:18,334 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 394 00:31:18,961 --> 00:31:20,294 Watch it. 395 00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,755 Yeah, let's see. 396 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,218 Oh, Jesus, God. 397 00:31:30,722 --> 00:31:32,890 -Oh, honey? -No. It's all right. It's all right. 398 00:31:33,058 --> 00:31:34,475 It's all right. 399 00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:36,561 Let's see. . . . 400 00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:39,480 This goes to the radio. . . 401 00:31:39,648 --> 00:31:41,983 . . .and this goes to, and this goes-- 402 00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:45,611 -Well, it's just one too many. -One is tough, yeah. 403 00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:49,740 Well, let's see. 404 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:52,827 The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone... 405 00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:56,539 . . .and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory. 406 00:31:56,707 --> 00:32:01,836 Oh, look at that. Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? 407 00:32:02,004 --> 00:32:04,922 It's indescribably beautiful. 408 00:32:05,090 --> 00:32:08,467 It reminds me of the Fourth of July. Turn off all the lights. 409 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,761 I wanna see what it looks like from the street. 410 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:14,348 -I'll go get the dining room. -Couldn't we talk this over? 411 00:32:16,852 --> 00:32:18,519 Honey. . . . 412 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,203 Move it a little bit to the right. 413 00:32:36,371 --> 00:32:37,955 Yeah. A little that way. 414 00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:42,668 Just a little more to the right. 415 00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:47,048 Yeah. More. That's it. No, stop. Right there. That's wonderful. 416 00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:48,966 Hey, Parker, what is that? 417 00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:51,052 Don't bother me now, Swede. I'm busy. 418 00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:54,180 -Yeah, but what is that? -It's a major award. 419 00:32:54,765 --> 00:32:57,183 A major award? 420 00:32:57,351 --> 00:33:00,019 Shucks, I wouldn't have knowed that. It looks like a lamp. 421 00:33:00,228 --> 00:33:01,979 Well, it is a lamp, you nincompoop. 422 00:33:02,147 --> 00:33:05,024 But it's a major award. I won it. 423 00:33:05,192 --> 00:33:07,735 -Damn, hell, you say you won it? -Yeah. 424 00:33:07,903 --> 00:33:10,655 Yeah, mind power, Swede, mind power. 425 00:33:11,073 --> 00:33:13,324 The entire neighborhood was turned on. 426 00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,410 Oh, you should see what it looks like from out here. 427 00:33:16,578 --> 00:33:19,246 It could be seen up and down Cleveland Street. 428 00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,582 The symbol of the old man's victory. 429 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:23,709 Yeah, he won that. It's a major award. 430 00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:28,089 Isn't it about time for somebody's favorite radio program? 431 00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:29,507 -Yeah. -Yeah. 432 00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,425 Holy smokes, it was 6:45. 433 00:33:31,593 --> 00:33:33,594 Only one thing could've dragged me away. . . 434 00:33:33,762 --> 00:33:38,265 . . .from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. 435 00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,269 Who's the little chatter box 436 00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:45,898 The one with pretty auburn locks? 437 00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:50,111 Whom do you see? It's Little Orphan Annie 438 00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:52,321 Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time. 439 00:33:52,489 --> 00:33:55,741 Brought to you by rich, chocolatey Ovaltine. 440 00:33:55,909 --> 00:33:58,202 I could still taste it. 441 00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,705 Hey, you turned the light off. 442 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:04,166 It's Little Orphan Annie 443 00:34:10,632 --> 00:34:12,425 Come on, you guys, wait up. 444 00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:21,142 I knew I was handing Miss Shields a masterpiece. 445 00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:22,977 Maybe Miss Shields in her ecstasy. . . 446 00:34:23,145 --> 00:34:27,481 . . .would excuse me from theme writing for the rest of my natural life. 447 00:34:32,863 --> 00:34:34,321 F! 448 00:34:35,157 --> 00:34:40,327 You call this a paragraph? Margins, margins, margins. 449 00:34:40,495 --> 00:34:41,996 F! 450 00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:45,291 My life's work down the drain. 451 00:34:45,459 --> 00:34:48,836 A semicolon, you dolt. A period. 452 00:34:49,004 --> 00:34:50,504 Oh, F. 453 00:34:50,672 --> 00:34:56,010 I should weep if I have to read one more F. 454 00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:58,512 Ralphie Parker. 455 00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:16,363 The theme I've been waiting for all my life. 456 00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:18,365 Listen to this sentence. 457 00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:23,913 "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock. . . 458 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,125 . . .and this thing which tells time." 459 00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:31,879 Poetry. Sheer poetry. 460 00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:35,549 Ralph, an A plus. 461 00:35:35,717 --> 00:35:41,388 My Ralph. Oh, Ralphie, you've made me well. 462 00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:44,725 A plus. 463 00:36:11,419 --> 00:36:13,003 Ralph. 464 00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,007 Ralphie. 465 00:36:18,468 --> 00:36:20,135 Ralph. 466 00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:24,515 Is there something you want, Ralph? 467 00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,934 I'm just turning in my theme. 468 00:36:29,187 --> 00:36:31,063 Oh, well, you can take your seat now. 469 00:36:33,942 --> 00:36:35,818 Take your seat. 470 00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:41,574 You're a genius. 471 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:52,459 Come on, you guys. Wait up. 472 00:36:53,295 --> 00:36:55,462 Okay. Come on. Come on. 473 00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:00,759 Come on. 474 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:03,971 -Get in the car. Get in the car. -Yeah. 475 00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:08,017 If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees! 476 00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:09,435 Go on, go on. 477 00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:12,646 My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver. . . 478 00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:15,649 . . .in the legendary battle of the lamp. 479 00:37:15,817 --> 00:37:18,027 The epic struggle which follows. . . 480 00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:21,989 . . .lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day. 481 00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:24,158 Don't wanna waste electricity. 482 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:26,994 -Don't-- -Don't wanna waste electricity. 483 00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,330 Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car. 484 00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:37,630 You folks looking for a tree? We got 300 trees here. 485 00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:40,841 This is the Christmas tree emporium of the entire Midwest. 486 00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:44,637 Now you ain't gonna find no better tree than this here tree. 487 00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:46,722 This here tree is built to last. 488 00:37:46,890 --> 00:37:49,391 Ain't no needles coming off this here tree. 489 00:37:52,020 --> 00:37:55,981 Okay. Now, here's a tree. This here is a tree. 490 00:37:56,149 --> 00:38:00,527 -That's a little skimpy in the front there. -Well, you just put it in the corner. 491 00:38:00,695 --> 00:38:04,740 -Haven't you got a big tree? -Yeah. Hell, this ain't no tree. 492 00:38:04,908 --> 00:38:08,160 Now here's a tree. This here is a tree. 493 00:38:08,578 --> 00:38:12,206 -Well, did I choose that one, huh? -Well, don't you think it's a little large? 494 00:38:12,374 --> 00:38:15,542 No. What the hell. Listen, Christmas only comes once a year. Why not? 495 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,169 -Why not? -Yeah, well, how much? 496 00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:20,089 I'll knock off $2 because you're a man who knows his trees. 497 00:38:20,382 --> 00:38:23,884 This isn't one of those trees that all the needles falls off, is it? 498 00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:25,552 No, that's them balsams. 499 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,347 The old man loved bargaining as much as an Arab trader. . . 500 00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:30,140 . . .and he was twice as shrewd. 501 00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:34,687 You know, Dew Lock just bought one of those brand-new, green plastic trees. 502 00:38:35,188 --> 00:38:36,563 Oh, no. 503 00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:40,901 Darn thing looks like it was made out of green pipe cleaners. 504 00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:44,530 This is a very nice tree. 505 00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:48,117 -I'll throw in a rope and tie it to your car. -You got a deal. 506 00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:49,618 Deal. 507 00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:10,806 Damn it, blow out. 508 00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:21,358 Not again. 509 00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:25,154 Four minutes. Time me. 510 00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:29,450 Actually, my old man loved it. He always saw himself in the pits. . . 511 00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:33,245 . . .at the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. 512 00:39:33,413 --> 00:39:34,997 Yeah. 513 00:39:37,459 --> 00:39:41,670 My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. 514 00:39:41,838 --> 00:39:44,381 They were round, they had once been made of rubber. 515 00:39:44,549 --> 00:39:46,300 Here we go. 516 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:52,222 Ralphie. Why don't you go help your father? 517 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,433 -Really? Can I? -Yes. 518 00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:57,144 -Watch the traffic there. -Okay. 519 00:39:57,604 --> 00:39:59,938 It was the first time that it had been suggested. . . 520 00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:03,484 . . .that I go help my father with anything. 521 00:40:06,488 --> 00:40:09,448 -What are you doing here? -Mom said I should help. 522 00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:10,824 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. 523 00:40:10,992 --> 00:40:12,785 Okay, sit down here. Squat down. 524 00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:15,579 Yeah, that's it. Now we've got it. 525 00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:18,332 -Here you are. Hold this. Here. -Okay. 526 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:24,338 No, not that way. Go on. Come on, rat-trap, hold it like this. See? 527 00:40:24,506 --> 00:40:26,799 -How? -Like this. I want to put the nuts in it. 528 00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:29,468 -Okay. -See, there we are. There's four of them. 529 00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:31,845 And we got it! 530 00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:35,808 There it is. Oh, that son of a gun. 531 00:40:35,975 --> 00:40:38,393 I'm gonna get that dirty. . . . 532 00:40:38,686 --> 00:40:40,354 There we go. And-- 533 00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,523 For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts. . . 534 00:40:42,690 --> 00:40:46,485 . . .silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone. 535 00:40:47,028 --> 00:40:52,950 Oh, fudge. 536 00:40:53,118 --> 00:40:57,037 Only I didn't say fudge. I said the word. 537 00:40:57,205 --> 00:41:00,666 The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. 538 00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:03,127 The F-dash-dash-dash word. 539 00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:04,711 What did you say? 540 00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:11,468 That's what I thought you said. 541 00:41:13,221 --> 00:41:14,972 Get in the car. 542 00:41:18,059 --> 00:41:19,893 -Go on. -It was all over. 543 00:41:20,061 --> 00:41:24,231 I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? 544 00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:27,776 The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? 545 00:41:27,944 --> 00:41:31,655 Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me. 546 00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,910 Everything go all right? 547 00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:53,760 Eight minutes. 548 00:41:55,597 --> 00:41:59,391 -You know what your son just said? -No. What? 549 00:41:59,601 --> 00:42:02,144 I'll tell you what he said. Randy! 550 00:42:05,607 --> 00:42:07,482 Ralphie! 551 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,278 Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. 552 00:42:11,446 --> 00:42:13,238 My personal preference is for Lux... 553 00:42:13,406 --> 00:42:17,826 ...but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant, after-dinner flavor. 554 00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:21,914 Heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. 555 00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,627 Lifebuoy, on the other hand. . . . 556 00:42:29,214 --> 00:42:30,464 You ready to tell me? 557 00:42:35,929 --> 00:42:38,805 All right. Where did you hear that word? 558 00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:42,559 Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. 559 00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:47,481 My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. 560 00:42:47,649 --> 00:42:50,442 It was his true medium. A master. 561 00:42:50,610 --> 00:42:51,860 But I chickened out. 562 00:42:52,028 --> 00:42:54,529 And I blurted out the first name that came to mind. 563 00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:55,989 Schwartz. 564 00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,910 I see. 565 00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:14,299 Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. 566 00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:18,470 Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said? 567 00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:22,724 No. He said: 568 00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:26,019 No, not that! 569 00:43:26,187 --> 00:43:28,855 Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it? 570 00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:30,440 Probably from his father. 571 00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:34,528 -No. He heard it from your son. -What?! What?! 572 00:43:34,696 --> 00:43:37,197 What?! 573 00:43:42,203 --> 00:43:45,789 What did I do, Mom? Why, I didn't do nothing. 574 00:43:51,379 --> 00:43:55,507 Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice. 575 00:43:55,675 --> 00:43:57,718 Rinse out and go to bed. 576 00:43:57,885 --> 00:44:00,429 Am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon. 577 00:44:00,596 --> 00:44:03,390 I want you getting into bed. I don't wanna see any lights on. 578 00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:06,393 You are being punished, so no comic book reading. 579 00:44:06,561 --> 00:44:08,562 I'm gonna come in. If there are lights on-- 580 00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:12,274 Don't you give me that look. You're gonna get it. 581 00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:16,945 Kids. 582 00:44:33,254 --> 00:44:37,174 Three blocks away, Schwartz was getting his. 583 00:44:37,717 --> 00:44:40,218 There has never been a kid who didn't believe. . . 584 00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,387 . . .vaguely but insistently. . . 585 00:44:42,555 --> 00:44:45,640 . . .that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21 . 586 00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:47,642 And then, they'd be sorry. 587 00:44:58,780 --> 00:45:00,697 Why, it's Ralph. 588 00:45:00,865 --> 00:45:04,493 Well, come on in, Ralph. Where you been? 589 00:45:08,498 --> 00:45:10,832 Why, he's carrying a cane. 590 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,876 Yeah. What is it, Ralph? What happened? 591 00:45:13,044 --> 00:45:17,381 -Why, he's blind ! -Blind?! Oh, my God. 592 00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:19,508 Ralph. 593 00:45:19,675 --> 00:45:25,138 -Ralph, is it something we did? -What brought you to this lowly state? 594 00:45:25,306 --> 00:45:27,641 Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. 595 00:45:27,809 --> 00:45:30,560 -What did we do? -No, I can't. 596 00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:33,230 Oh, please, Ralph. I must know what we did. 597 00:45:33,398 --> 00:45:35,482 -What brought you to this? -Please. 598 00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:37,359 Please. 599 00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:39,569 Please? 600 00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:43,281 -It was-- -Yes? 601 00:45:43,908 --> 00:45:48,120 -Yes? -Soap poisoning. 602 00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:56,336 Terrible. How could we do it? 603 00:45:56,504 --> 00:46:00,632 Well, I'll manage to get along somehow. 604 00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:02,426 I'll never forgive myself. 605 00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:06,054 -Thanks, Mom. -I told you not to use Lifebuoy. 606 00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:09,474 Oh, I feel awful. 607 00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,356 Oh, God. 608 00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,208 Thank you, Heather. 609 00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,502 -Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas. 610 00:46:37,670 --> 00:46:39,713 -Thank you, Flick. -Thank you. 611 00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:44,009 -Thank you. -Merry Christmas, Miss Shields. 612 00:46:44,177 --> 00:46:45,969 Merry Christmas. 613 00:47:04,864 --> 00:47:08,575 Well, I just thought that you'd be getting tired of the same old stuff. 614 00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:12,412 Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurts. 615 00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:15,749 Well, thank you very much, Ralph. 616 00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:22,005 Merry Christmas. 617 00:47:24,634 --> 00:47:26,092 Happy New Year. 618 00:47:28,721 --> 00:47:30,680 You can take your seat now, Ralph. 619 00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:58,708 The weeks of drinking gallons of Ovaltine in order to get the Ovaltine inner seal. . . 620 00:47:58,876 --> 00:48:02,629 ...to send off for my Little Orphan Annie secret decoder pin... 621 00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:05,173 . . .was about to pay off. 622 00:48:05,341 --> 00:48:06,591 I got it. 623 00:48:06,759 --> 00:48:10,303 "Master Ralph Parker." My decoder pin. 624 00:48:14,183 --> 00:48:16,268 All right. 625 00:48:20,856 --> 00:48:23,191 "Be it known to all and sundry that Ralph Parker. . . 626 00:48:23,359 --> 00:48:26,820 . . . is hereby appointed a member of the Little Orphan Annie secret circle. . . 627 00:48:26,988 --> 00:48:30,198 . . .and is entitled to all the honors and benefits occurring thereto." 628 00:48:30,366 --> 00:48:32,409 Signed, Little Orphan Annie. 629 00:48:32,577 --> 00:48:35,078 Countersigned, Pierre Andre. 630 00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:36,496 In ink. 631 00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:39,666 Honors and benefits. Already at the age of 9. 632 00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:46,089 -But first, let's throw her overboard! -Hold fast, then overboard! 633 00:48:46,257 --> 00:48:47,716 Come on, let's get on with it. 634 00:48:47,883 --> 00:48:50,677 I don't need all that jazz about smugglers and pirates. 635 00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:54,014 Listen tomorrow night for the concluding adventure. . . 636 00:48:54,181 --> 00:48:56,057 ...of The Black Pirate Ship. 637 00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:58,893 Now it's time for Annie's secret message. . . 638 00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:02,022 ...for you members of the secret circle. 639 00:49:02,189 --> 00:49:03,398 Remember kids. . . 640 00:49:03,566 --> 00:49:08,320 . . .only members of Annie's secret circle can decode Annie's secret message. 641 00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:12,407 Remember, Annie is depending on you. 642 00:49:12,575 --> 00:49:15,076 Set your pins to B-2. 643 00:49:15,244 --> 00:49:16,703 Here is the message: 644 00:49:17,538 --> 00:49:19,873 Twelve. Eleven. Two. 645 00:49:20,041 --> 00:49:22,375 I am in my first secret meeting. 646 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:25,712 Fourteen. Eleven. Eighteen. Sixteen. 647 00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:27,756 Pierre was in great voice tonight. 648 00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:31,134 I could tell that tonight's message was really important. 649 00:49:31,302 --> 00:49:33,219 Three. Twenty-five. 650 00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:36,806 That's a message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anyone. 651 00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,980 Ninety seconds later, I'm in the only room in the house. . . 652 00:49:44,148 --> 00:49:48,860 ...where a boy of 9 could sit in privacy and decode. 653 00:49:49,403 --> 00:49:51,404 Ah, B. 654 00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:54,491 I went to the next. E. 655 00:49:54,659 --> 00:49:56,409 The first word is "be." 656 00:49:56,786 --> 00:49:59,245 S. It was coming easier now. 657 00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,622 U. 658 00:50:01,207 --> 00:50:04,584 -Come on, Ralphie. I gotta go. -Ralph? 659 00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:08,296 I'll be right down, Ma. Gee, whiz. 660 00:50:10,758 --> 00:50:12,509 T. 661 00:50:12,677 --> 00:50:13,718 O. 662 00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:16,221 "Be sure to." Be sure to what? 663 00:50:16,389 --> 00:50:19,182 What was Little Orphan Annie trying to say? Be sure to what? 664 00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:21,935 Ralphie! Randy has got to go. Will you please come out? 665 00:50:22,103 --> 00:50:25,438 All right, Ma. I'll be right out. 666 00:50:25,606 --> 00:50:27,107 I was getting closer now. 667 00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:30,193 The tension was terrible. What was it? 668 00:50:30,361 --> 00:50:32,696 The fate of the planet may hang in the balance. 669 00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:35,615 Ralphie, Randy's gotta go! 670 00:50:35,783 --> 00:50:38,618 I'll be right out, for crying out loud ! 671 00:50:38,786 --> 00:50:40,328 Gee, almost there. 672 00:50:40,496 --> 00:50:43,540 My fingers flew. My mind was a steel trap. 673 00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:47,168 Every pore vibrated. It was almost clear. 674 00:50:47,336 --> 00:50:49,421 Yes, yes, yes! 675 00:50:49,839 --> 00:50:54,801 "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine." 676 00:50:55,469 --> 00:50:57,512 Ovaltine? 677 00:51:00,266 --> 00:51:03,017 A crummy commercial? 678 00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:07,230 Son of a bitch. 679 00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:10,817 I went out to face the world again. 680 00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:12,902 Wiser. 681 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:28,168 -Red cabbage? -That's for tomorrow night. 682 00:51:28,335 --> 00:51:31,171 You love red cabbage, Ralphie. 683 00:51:31,881 --> 00:51:35,175 You filthy system. . . ! 684 00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:39,429 Smelly watt-buster. . . . 685 00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:51,316 What happened next was a family controversy for years. 686 00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,709 What was that? what happened? 687 00:52:13,714 --> 00:52:15,298 What happened? 688 00:52:16,008 --> 00:52:17,467 What broke? 689 00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,594 I don't know what happened. 690 00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:24,808 I was watering my plant and I broke your lamp. 691 00:52:40,074 --> 00:52:42,450 Don't you touch that. 692 00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:44,494 You were always jealous of this lamp. 693 00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:48,331 -Jealous of a plastic leg? -Jealous! 694 00:52:48,499 --> 00:52:50,875 Jealous because I won. 695 00:52:52,461 --> 00:52:56,548 That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of what? 696 00:52:56,715 --> 00:53:00,385 That is the ugliest lamp I have ever seen. . . 697 00:53:00,553 --> 00:53:02,011 . . . in my entire life! 698 00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,138 Now it was out. 699 00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:06,099 Get the glue. 700 00:53:06,267 --> 00:53:09,102 We're out of glue. 701 00:53:10,646 --> 00:53:16,526 You used up all the glue on purpose! 702 00:53:17,069 --> 00:53:19,070 The old man stood quivering with fury. . . 703 00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:22,198 . . .stammering, as he tried to come up with a real crusher. 704 00:53:22,366 --> 00:53:23,616 All he got out was: 705 00:53:23,784 --> 00:53:25,660 Not a finger! 706 00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:07,869 With as much dignity as he could muster. . . 707 00:54:08,037 --> 00:54:10,413 . . .the old man gathered up the sad remains. . . 708 00:54:10,581 --> 00:54:13,499 . . .of his shattered major award. 709 00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:19,589 Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. 710 00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:21,674 Now, I could never be sure... 711 00:54:21,842 --> 00:54:25,637 . . .but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. 712 00:54:25,804 --> 00:54:27,138 Gently. 713 00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:29,265 Know what I'm getting my man for Christmas? 714 00:54:29,433 --> 00:54:30,975 -No. What? -A rose that squirts. 715 00:54:31,143 --> 00:54:33,186 People come to smell it, it squirts them. 716 00:54:33,354 --> 00:54:34,938 I'm getting my old man a Flit gun. 717 00:54:35,105 --> 00:54:37,357 -A Flit gun? -Yeah. 718 00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:41,402 Stop right there. 719 00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:45,823 -If Dill said hi to you, you felt great. -Who, me? 720 00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:47,784 -Warm inside. -Yeah, you. Get over here. 721 00:54:47,952 --> 00:54:50,870 -But mostly, he just hit you in the mouth. -I can't now, Grover. 722 00:54:51,038 --> 00:54:52,789 -I've gotta see Miss Shields. -Yeah. 723 00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:55,792 -Hey, come here! Get over here. -Come back here. Come on, you ! 724 00:54:55,960 --> 00:54:57,710 -Yeah, come on ! -Hey, come here! 725 00:54:57,878 --> 00:54:59,087 You. 726 00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,673 -Come here. -Who, me? 727 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:04,968 No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here. 728 00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:08,388 I left Flick to certain annihilation. 729 00:55:08,806 --> 00:55:11,432 But BB gun mania knows no loyalties. 730 00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:13,559 Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle. 731 00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:16,020 Uncle! Uncle! 732 00:55:18,774 --> 00:55:20,066 All right, class. . . 733 00:55:20,234 --> 00:55:23,569 . . . I have your Christmas themes for you. 734 00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:25,697 I'm pleased. 735 00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:29,158 In general, you did very well. 736 00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:36,249 However, I was disappointed in the margins. 737 00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:39,252 This is it. 738 00:55:40,379 --> 00:55:42,797 C plus? Oh, no, it can't be. 739 00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:46,634 C plus? 740 00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:49,429 C plus! 741 00:55:54,309 --> 00:55:56,227 Oh, no! 742 00:55:56,812 --> 00:55:59,063 "You'll shoot your eye out"? 743 00:55:59,648 --> 00:56:00,898 Oh, no. 744 00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:03,026 My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields. 745 00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:04,861 There could be no other explanation. 746 00:56:05,029 --> 00:56:09,449 You'll shoot your eye out You'll shoot your eye out 747 00:56:11,452 --> 00:56:15,121 Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice... 748 00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:17,707 . . .against Red Ryder and his peacemaker? 749 00:56:17,875 --> 00:56:20,460 These multiplication questions were most missed. . . 750 00:56:20,627 --> 00:56:21,878 . . . in our last math test. 751 00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:23,838 Would you answer in unison, please? 752 00:56:24,006 --> 00:56:25,715 I was surrounded by happier kids... 753 00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:28,801 . . .who were all going to get what they wanted for Christmas. 754 00:56:28,969 --> 00:56:30,720 Fifty-six. 755 00:57:01,001 --> 00:57:02,460 Hey, four-eyes. 756 00:57:02,628 --> 00:57:04,837 How'd you like your snowball sandwich? 757 00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:08,508 Maybe you'd like another one. 758 00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:14,388 Listen, jerk. 759 00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:18,309 When I tell you to come, you better come. 760 00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:21,354 What, are you gonna cry now? 761 00:57:21,522 --> 00:57:24,440 Come on, crybaby, cry for me. 762 00:57:24,608 --> 00:57:26,859 Come on. Cry. 763 00:57:27,402 --> 00:57:29,153 Deep in the recesses of my brain. . . 764 00:57:29,321 --> 00:57:33,032 . . .a tiny, red-hot little flame began to grow. 765 00:57:45,420 --> 00:57:47,547 -Hey! -Something had happened. 766 00:57:47,756 --> 00:57:51,843 A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull. 767 00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:56,013 Hey. Hey! 768 00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:57,723 Hey, kid ! 769 00:58:00,811 --> 00:58:03,062 I'm telling my dad. 770 00:58:04,648 --> 00:58:08,151 Hey, Ralphie! All right, Ralphie. 771 00:58:13,407 --> 00:58:16,450 Beat him up! Beat him up! 772 00:58:17,077 --> 00:58:20,246 -Come on, hit him ! -Hit him ! 773 00:58:21,373 --> 00:58:23,124 -Hang him ! -Hit him ! Kill him ! 774 00:58:24,084 --> 00:58:29,130 You no-good damn knuckle! Fanged dongs stinking bitch ! 775 00:58:29,298 --> 00:58:31,048 -Come on. -Enough with you, dork head. 776 00:58:31,216 --> 00:58:34,260 Did you hear what he said? 777 00:58:34,428 --> 00:58:36,846 Holy smokes! 778 00:58:37,598 --> 00:58:40,766 I have since heard of people under extreme duress. . . 779 00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:43,269 ...speaking in strange tongues. 780 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,814 I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities. . . 781 00:58:46,982 --> 00:58:51,861 . . .and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed. 782 00:58:53,906 --> 00:58:56,991 Ralph, your mother. 783 00:59:00,329 --> 00:59:02,622 Ralphie! Ralphie! Ralphie! 784 00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:11,964 Ralphie! 785 00:59:12,257 --> 00:59:13,925 Ralphie? 786 00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:21,515 Come on. We're going home. Come on. 787 00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:38,491 Let's go, man. Come on. Let's go. 788 00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:42,995 Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph. 789 00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:44,914 Get in there. 790 00:59:45,999 --> 00:59:49,377 Okay. Put your head down in there. 791 00:59:49,544 --> 00:59:51,587 Come on. Get down in here. 792 00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,423 Settle down. 793 00:59:54,591 --> 00:59:57,510 Honey, I want you to go in there. . . 794 00:59:57,678 --> 01:00:01,013 . . .and lie down in your room for a while. 795 01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:04,016 Ralphie, just settle down. 796 01:00:05,686 --> 01:00:08,354 Come on. Here, dry off. 797 01:00:08,522 --> 01:00:10,648 Calm down. 798 01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:13,693 All right. Now go lie down. 799 01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:35,965 The light was getting purple and soft outside. 800 01:00:36,133 --> 01:00:40,011 Almost time for my father to come home from work. 801 01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:55,943 Randy. 802 01:00:56,737 --> 01:00:58,404 Hi. 803 01:00:59,072 --> 01:01:01,866 What's the matter? What are you crying for? 804 01:01:02,034 --> 01:01:04,827 Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie. 805 01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:06,412 No, he's not. 806 01:01:06,580 --> 01:01:09,540 -Yes, he is too. -No, he's not. 807 01:01:09,708 --> 01:01:14,587 I promise you, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie. 808 01:01:14,755 --> 01:01:17,048 Why don't you come on out of there? 809 01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:18,924 Huh? 810 01:01:19,843 --> 01:01:21,802 Would you like some milk? 811 01:01:23,013 --> 01:01:24,597 You would? 812 01:01:31,271 --> 01:01:32,772 Here you go. 813 01:01:33,899 --> 01:01:35,274 All right? 814 01:01:35,442 --> 01:01:36,776 I'll see you later? 815 01:01:36,943 --> 01:01:39,195 Okay. Bye-bye. 816 01:01:50,624 --> 01:01:54,377 I heard the car roar up the driveway, and a wave of terror broke over me. 817 01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:57,630 He'll know what I said, the awful things that I've said. 818 01:01:57,798 --> 01:02:00,132 Get out of here. Go on. Get out of here! 819 01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:03,677 Go on home, you mangy mutts. Get out of here, you rotten, filthy--! 820 01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:07,765 Hey, Bumpus. Get over here and get your stinking dogs! 821 01:02:08,225 --> 01:02:11,310 Hey, come on, what's for dinner? I'm starving to death. 822 01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:34,125 Well, what happened today? 823 01:02:34,459 --> 01:02:36,293 Where's your glasses? 824 01:02:37,295 --> 01:02:39,130 Did you lose your glasses again? 825 01:02:39,297 --> 01:02:43,592 Ralphie, remember you left these on the radio again. 826 01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:47,471 Now, try not to do that anymore. 827 01:02:47,722 --> 01:02:49,598 So, what else happened today? 828 01:02:49,766 --> 01:02:52,351 Oh, nothing much. 829 01:02:52,519 --> 01:02:54,353 Ralphie had a fight. 830 01:02:54,521 --> 01:02:57,523 A fight? What kind of a fight? 831 01:02:58,316 --> 01:03:01,527 Oh, you know how boys are. 832 01:03:01,695 --> 01:03:05,531 I gave him a talking to. 833 01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:10,202 I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday. 834 01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:14,623 Oh, yeah, yeah. Zudock's got tickets. I wish I had. 835 01:03:14,791 --> 01:03:17,877 Oh, well, he'll freeze his keister off out there. 836 01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:23,507 I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed. 837 01:03:23,675 --> 01:03:25,718 The Chicago Bears. 838 01:03:25,886 --> 01:03:28,179 The terror of the midway. What a laugh. . . . 839 01:03:28,346 --> 01:03:32,600 From then on, things were different between me and my mother. 840 01:03:33,018 --> 01:03:36,979 Well, more like the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe. 841 01:03:37,147 --> 01:03:39,023 But Bears, never. 842 01:03:40,233 --> 01:03:41,484 Strange. 843 01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:45,404 Even something as monumental as the Scut Farkus affair... 844 01:03:45,572 --> 01:03:48,324 ...as it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind... 845 01:03:48,492 --> 01:03:52,578 ...as I struggled for a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web... 846 01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:54,914 . . .in which my mother had me trapped. 847 01:03:55,081 --> 01:03:56,832 Santa! 848 01:03:57,000 --> 01:03:59,251 Yeah, I'll ask Santa. 849 01:03:59,419 --> 01:04:01,253 Of course. Santa. 850 01:04:01,421 --> 01:04:03,547 The big man. The head honcho. 851 01:04:03,715 --> 01:04:05,090 The connection. 852 01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:08,135 My mother had slipped up this time. 853 01:04:29,741 --> 01:04:32,701 -Mickey! Mickey! -Yeah ! 854 01:04:48,552 --> 01:04:51,303 Mom, the store's gonna close soon and Santa's gonna be gone. 855 01:04:51,471 --> 01:04:55,474 Ralphie, Santa's not going anyplace. Just be still. 856 01:05:04,818 --> 01:05:07,444 Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year. 857 01:05:07,612 --> 01:05:09,905 Ralphie, will you please calm down? 858 01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:11,323 -Mom ! -Hush ! 859 01:05:11,491 --> 01:05:13,492 Shut up, Ralphie. 860 01:05:22,210 --> 01:05:24,169 -There he is. -Santa, Santa! 861 01:05:24,337 --> 01:05:25,921 Yeah. 862 01:05:26,214 --> 01:05:29,842 Hey, Merry Christmas! 863 01:05:31,344 --> 01:05:32,553 Santa. 864 01:05:32,721 --> 01:05:35,139 Have you been a good boy? Have you? 865 01:05:35,307 --> 01:05:36,515 Can we go now? Can we go? 866 01:05:36,683 --> 01:05:38,309 -Yes. -Yes, we can go now. 867 01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:40,019 Come on, Ralphie. 868 01:05:52,282 --> 01:05:56,744 Merry Christmas. 869 01:05:56,911 --> 01:05:59,538 Come on, Randy, hurry up. 870 01:06:12,385 --> 01:06:14,428 Ralphie, look over there. 871 01:06:14,596 --> 01:06:16,889 -See, the line's not so long. -Yeah. 872 01:06:17,057 --> 01:06:19,642 Go get in it. Take Randy's hand and hold on to him. 873 01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:22,895 -We will see you later, okay? -Yeah, stay together, don't get lost. 874 01:06:23,063 --> 01:06:24,271 Okay. 875 01:06:27,484 --> 01:06:30,194 Come on. Let's go. 876 01:06:33,114 --> 01:06:34,740 Young man. 877 01:06:34,908 --> 01:06:37,910 Hey, kid. Just where do you think you're going? 878 01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,912 Going up to see Santa. 879 01:06:40,705 --> 01:06:42,247 The line ends here. 880 01:06:42,415 --> 01:06:43,791 It begins there. 881 01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:45,876 Merry Christmas! 882 01:06:46,044 --> 01:06:47,628 Come on, come up, boys and girls. 883 01:06:47,796 --> 01:06:49,588 Hurry up. 884 01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:52,007 Let's go. 885 01:06:52,175 --> 01:06:54,176 Oh, no. 886 01:06:54,844 --> 01:06:56,220 Come on. 887 01:07:00,225 --> 01:07:03,018 The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way. . . 888 01:07:03,186 --> 01:07:04,937 . . .back to Terre Haute. 889 01:07:05,772 --> 01:07:08,524 And I was at the end of it. 890 01:07:08,692 --> 01:07:12,361 -Merry Christmas. -I like Santa. 891 01:07:12,654 --> 01:07:14,446 Yeah. 892 01:07:14,614 --> 01:07:16,323 Come on. Welcome. Come on. 893 01:07:16,491 --> 01:07:18,742 Let's face it. Most of us were scoffers. 894 01:07:18,910 --> 01:07:23,122 But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances. 895 01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:29,169 The chocolate snowman eats little boys. 896 01:07:29,337 --> 01:07:32,172 I'll get you my pretty. 897 01:07:32,340 --> 01:07:35,509 What a tasty little boy. 898 01:07:35,677 --> 01:07:37,094 Don't bother me. 899 01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:39,638 I'm thinking. 900 01:07:42,976 --> 01:07:46,103 I like The Wizard of Oz. 901 01:07:46,271 --> 01:07:47,938 Yeah. 902 01:07:48,481 --> 01:07:51,191 I like the Tin Man. 903 01:07:54,446 --> 01:07:59,116 If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9, he can kiss my foot. 904 01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,494 Come on, up on Santa's lap. 905 01:08:02,662 --> 01:08:04,496 There's a wet one. 906 01:08:04,664 --> 01:08:06,498 And what's your name, little boy? 907 01:08:07,125 --> 01:08:10,294 -Have you been a good boy? -Come on, Randy. 908 01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:12,921 And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? 909 01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:15,591 A toy truck? Get him off my lap. 910 01:08:15,759 --> 01:08:17,384 Quick, get me a towel. 911 01:08:17,552 --> 01:08:19,636 Bye, Billy. 912 01:08:25,477 --> 01:08:27,686 Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca. 913 01:08:29,355 --> 01:08:33,192 Attention, shoppers. It is now 9 p.m. and our store is closed. 914 01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:35,027 Nine o'clock? Great Scott! 915 01:08:35,195 --> 01:08:37,154 The store's gonna close. 916 01:08:37,322 --> 01:08:40,324 Santa can't wait all night. Let's go. 917 01:08:40,492 --> 01:08:43,494 Come on up on Santa's lap. 918 01:08:51,920 --> 01:08:54,379 Get moving, kid. 919 01:08:54,923 --> 01:08:57,424 Quit dragging your feet. 920 01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:59,301 Come up. 921 01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:11,396 Get him out of here. 922 01:09:21,866 --> 01:09:23,700 Come on, kid. 923 01:09:26,621 --> 01:09:28,080 Come on. 924 01:09:29,666 --> 01:09:31,208 Come on up. Come on up there. 925 01:09:42,595 --> 01:09:46,390 And what's your name, little boy? 926 01:09:46,558 --> 01:09:50,602 Hey, kid, hurry up, the store's closing. 927 01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:52,020 Come on ! 928 01:09:52,814 --> 01:09:56,859 Listen, little boy, we got a lot of people waiting here, so get going. 929 01:09:57,026 --> 01:09:59,444 Come on. Yeah. Come on. 930 01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:02,739 What do you want for Christmas, little boy? 931 01:10:02,907 --> 01:10:04,950 My mind had gone blank. 932 01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:07,661 Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. 933 01:10:07,829 --> 01:10:09,663 I was blowing it, blowing it. 934 01:10:09,831 --> 01:10:11,582 Come on, kid. 935 01:10:12,000 --> 01:10:15,127 How about a nice football? 936 01:10:15,295 --> 01:10:18,755 Football. Football. What's a football? 937 01:10:18,923 --> 01:10:21,008 Without conscious will, my voice squeaked out: 938 01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:22,634 -Yeah. -Football. 939 01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:24,428 Okay, get him out of here. 940 01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:28,307 A football. Oh, no. What was I doing? 941 01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:32,477 -Wake up, stupid, wake up. No! -No! 942 01:10:38,860 --> 01:10:40,235 No, no! I want an official. . . 943 01:10:40,403 --> 01:10:43,822 . . . Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. 944 01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:46,992 You'll shoot your eye out, kid. 945 01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:50,329 Merry Christmas. 946 01:10:53,416 --> 01:10:58,587 No! 947 01:11:02,008 --> 01:11:05,302 And we're here to see the Wizard The wonderful wizard of Oz-- 948 01:11:06,179 --> 01:11:09,014 I'll see you in Oz, folks. 949 01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:15,145 Well, did you. . .? 950 01:11:15,313 --> 01:11:16,563 Up. 951 01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,774 -Did you see Santa Claus? -Yeah. 952 01:11:18,942 --> 01:11:21,068 Did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas? 953 01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:25,489 -Yeah. -Did he ask you if you'd been a good boy? 954 01:11:25,657 --> 01:11:27,032 No. 955 01:11:27,200 --> 01:11:29,826 Don't worry, he knows. 956 01:11:29,994 --> 01:11:31,912 He always knows. 957 01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:36,959 Merry Christmas. 958 01:11:38,044 --> 01:11:42,047 Okay, down you go. Bye-bye, Chris. 959 01:11:42,215 --> 01:11:45,717 Merry Christmas. 960 01:11:52,058 --> 01:11:54,351 That's fine. 961 01:11:55,061 --> 01:11:57,562 Now, wait a minute. All right. Plug her in. 962 01:11:57,730 --> 01:11:59,398 It is, it is. 963 01:11:59,565 --> 01:12:01,149 Well, the green string is out. 964 01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,694 No, the green is on. It's the blue that's out. 965 01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:07,531 Oh, don't tell me what color it is. I'm not color blind. 966 01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:09,825 I'm not color blind either. 967 01:12:09,993 --> 01:12:11,660 There. 968 01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:15,038 There, see, I told you it was green. 969 01:12:17,125 --> 01:12:20,585 Hold it! Don't anybody move! 970 01:12:20,753 --> 01:12:22,587 Hold it right there! 971 01:12:22,755 --> 01:12:24,965 A fuse is out. 972 01:12:25,133 --> 01:12:28,760 The old man could replace fuses quicker than a jack rabbit on a date. 973 01:12:28,928 --> 01:12:31,304 He bought them by the gross. 974 01:12:36,477 --> 01:12:38,270 Oh, well. 975 01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,397 My, isn't that pretty? 976 01:12:40,565 --> 01:12:43,108 Hot son of a gun. 977 01:12:44,694 --> 01:12:47,279 No, that star is crooked. 978 01:12:47,447 --> 01:12:49,614 That star is perfectly straight. 979 01:12:49,782 --> 01:12:52,200 -Careful ! -That'll do it. It's all right. That's it. 980 01:12:52,368 --> 01:12:55,245 -Oh, be careful. -I am, I am. It's-- 981 01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:58,331 Come on, let's set up the other thing. Just let me get it fixed. 982 01:12:58,499 --> 01:13:01,043 That's all right. 983 01:13:02,295 --> 01:13:03,962 -Yes. -Yeah. 984 01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:07,257 Perfect. 985 01:13:10,678 --> 01:13:12,304 Oh, goodness, look at the time. 986 01:13:12,472 --> 01:13:14,806 I hope Santa hasn't had to pass up this house. . . 987 01:13:14,974 --> 01:13:17,559 . . .just because some boys weren't in bed when he came by. 988 01:13:17,727 --> 01:13:20,312 Yeah, I thought I heard Santa's sleigh bells. . . 989 01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:23,565 . . .a little while ago going up the other side of the street. 990 01:13:23,983 --> 01:13:26,151 -All right, you two, upstairs. -Come on. 991 01:13:26,319 --> 01:13:29,571 Come on. On the double, on the double: 992 01:13:39,916 --> 01:13:41,541 Okay, let's get them. 993 01:14:43,563 --> 01:14:46,940 Randy. Randy, come on. Get up, Randy. 994 01:14:57,410 --> 01:14:58,910 Santa Claus had come. 995 01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:05,792 Wow, a truck. That's mine! 996 01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:08,003 Wow, look over here! That's mine! 997 01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:09,921 Oh, what's in here? 998 01:15:10,089 --> 01:15:11,339 Oh, it's hard. 999 01:15:11,507 --> 01:15:15,051 Fire truck. Oh, boy, that's mine! 1000 01:15:17,471 --> 01:15:19,639 Hey! 1001 01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:25,645 Does this raise? 1002 01:15:32,278 --> 01:15:34,821 Dad, Dad. 1003 01:15:40,077 --> 01:15:42,412 Merry Christmas! 1004 01:15:42,705 --> 01:15:45,707 -Merry Christmas, you two. -Merry Christmas. 1005 01:15:45,875 --> 01:15:48,877 Now, Randy, no. Wait for Christmas to start, honey. 1006 01:15:49,045 --> 01:15:51,838 -I wanna play Santa. -Well, wait a minute, Randy. 1007 01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:54,549 You played Santa. He played Santa last year, didn't he? 1008 01:15:54,717 --> 01:15:56,885 -Yeah. -Yeah. Ralphie, you play Santa this time. 1009 01:15:57,053 --> 01:15:59,346 -Come on, Ralphie. -Well, who should I start with? 1010 01:15:59,555 --> 01:16:02,390 -Well, give Randy a present. -Yeah ! Yeah ! 1011 01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:05,560 And I think I see Aunt Clara's gift to you right over there. 1012 01:16:05,728 --> 01:16:08,355 She always sends you such wonderful presents, Ralphie. 1013 01:16:08,522 --> 01:16:10,690 -Give me mine, Ralphie. Come on. -Okay. 1014 01:16:10,900 --> 01:16:12,192 Come on, Ralph. 1015 01:16:28,125 --> 01:16:29,960 Christmas had come. Officially. 1016 01:16:30,836 --> 01:16:33,922 We plunged into the cornucopia, quivering with desire. . . 1017 01:16:34,090 --> 01:16:36,758 . . .and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice. 1018 01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:38,760 Didn't I get a tie this year? 1019 01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:46,393 A zeppelin. 1020 01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:49,020 A can of simonize. 1021 01:16:49,188 --> 01:16:52,357 Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara give you? Show everybody. 1022 01:16:57,655 --> 01:16:58,863 I don't want to. 1023 01:16:59,031 --> 01:17:01,700 Ralphie, show everybody what Aunt Clara gave you. 1024 01:17:02,576 --> 01:17:05,203 Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion. . . 1025 01:17:05,371 --> 01:17:10,500 . . .that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl. 1026 01:17:10,710 --> 01:17:15,005 She just always gives you the nicest things, Ralphie. 1027 01:17:16,716 --> 01:17:18,717 Oh, my God. 1028 01:17:18,884 --> 01:17:21,720 Oh, isn't that sweet? 1029 01:17:21,887 --> 01:17:24,973 -Ralph, go upstairs and try it on if you-- -I don't want to. 1030 01:17:25,182 --> 01:17:27,350 Go upstairs right now and try on that present. 1031 01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:30,061 She went to all that trouble to make it. Now, go on. 1032 01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:42,657 While Ralphie is changing, I'm gonna play Santa Claus. 1033 01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:46,786 Now, let me see. What can I fi--? Oh, I see something. 1034 01:17:46,954 --> 01:17:50,457 -Randy. This is for you, honey. -Oh, Jesus. 1035 01:17:50,624 --> 01:17:54,711 -Oh, and this is for Daddy. -Oh, boy. 1036 01:17:55,921 --> 01:17:59,090 Here. From me to you. 1037 01:18:00,843 --> 01:18:02,886 Thanks a lot. 1038 01:18:03,596 --> 01:18:06,097 I wonder what it could be? 1039 01:18:06,766 --> 01:18:09,351 Only one way to find out, isn't there? 1040 01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:11,853 Well, it's a blue ball. 1041 01:18:12,438 --> 01:18:16,232 It's a bowling ball. 1042 01:18:16,400 --> 01:18:18,068 -Thank you, darling. -Do you like it? 1043 01:18:18,235 --> 01:18:21,196 Yes, very much. Very much. 1044 01:18:21,364 --> 01:18:24,282 Ralphie! We're waiting ! 1045 01:18:24,658 --> 01:18:26,284 Oh, come on, Mom. 1046 01:18:26,786 --> 01:18:28,286 Right now! 1047 01:18:38,422 --> 01:18:41,883 Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies. . . 1048 01:18:42,051 --> 01:18:46,054 . . .with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me. 1049 01:18:46,263 --> 01:18:49,641 Come down here so I can see you better. 1050 01:18:49,809 --> 01:18:51,976 I just hoped that Flick would never spot them... 1051 01:18:52,144 --> 01:18:54,896 . . .as the word of this humiliation could easily make life... 1052 01:18:55,064 --> 01:18:57,690 . . .at Warren G. Harding School a veritable hell. 1053 01:18:59,735 --> 01:19:01,361 Isn't that cu--? 1054 01:19:01,529 --> 01:19:04,447 That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life. 1055 01:19:06,283 --> 01:19:07,659 Shut up, Randy. 1056 01:19:07,827 --> 01:19:09,953 He looks like a deranged Easter bunny. 1057 01:19:11,997 --> 01:19:13,665 -He does not. -He does too. 1058 01:19:13,833 --> 01:19:16,084 He looks like a pink nightmare. 1059 01:19:16,293 --> 01:19:18,169 Are you happy wearing that? 1060 01:19:18,337 --> 01:19:21,131 Do you want to take it off? Tell the kid to take it off. 1061 01:19:21,298 --> 01:19:24,342 You'll only wear it when Aunt Clara visits. Go on and take it off. 1062 01:19:24,510 --> 01:19:26,177 Take it off! 1063 01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:31,474 My God, would you look at that mess? 1064 01:19:31,642 --> 01:19:34,185 -Who's gonna clean the papers up? -Not me. 1065 01:19:34,353 --> 01:19:36,688 -Oh, no? -Randy did it last year. 1066 01:19:36,856 --> 01:19:39,023 Well, he can do it again. 1067 01:19:40,359 --> 01:19:42,152 You know, this wine is not bad. 1068 01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,279 It's not good either, but-- You want a sip? 1069 01:19:44,447 --> 01:19:46,865 -Yeah. -No, you don't. 1070 01:19:47,241 --> 01:19:49,868 -Did you have a nice Christmas? -Yeah, pretty nice. 1071 01:19:50,035 --> 01:19:52,495 Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted? 1072 01:19:52,663 --> 01:19:53,872 Well, almost. 1073 01:19:54,039 --> 01:19:59,836 Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas. 1074 01:20:00,004 --> 01:20:01,880 Yup. 1075 01:20:02,047 --> 01:20:04,424 Hey, that's funny. 1076 01:20:04,967 --> 01:20:08,636 -What's that over there behind the desk? -Where? 1077 01:20:08,804 --> 01:20:11,431 Over behind the desk against the wall over there. 1078 01:20:13,601 --> 01:20:15,602 Why don't you go check it out? 1079 01:20:15,769 --> 01:20:17,353 Go on. 1080 01:20:31,660 --> 01:20:34,162 What did we put over there, honey? 1081 01:20:34,330 --> 01:20:36,122 Santa Claus probably put it. 1082 01:20:36,290 --> 01:20:38,124 You. . . . 1083 01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:17,539 Oh, it was beautiful. I could hardly wait to try it out. 1084 01:21:17,957 --> 01:21:19,916 -Do you know how to load it? -Yeah. 1085 01:21:20,084 --> 01:21:21,584 Yeah? 1086 01:21:22,586 --> 01:21:24,629 Be careful. That's right. 1087 01:21:31,637 --> 01:21:33,304 Be careful. 1088 01:21:33,472 --> 01:21:35,306 Don't. They run all over. 1089 01:21:41,689 --> 01:21:43,773 Close her up. Close it up. 1090 01:21:43,941 --> 01:21:45,858 Can I try it out, Ma? Can I? 1091 01:21:46,652 --> 01:21:49,571 -Sure. -Okay. But outside. 1092 01:21:49,780 --> 01:21:52,699 Oh, I still say those things are dangerous. 1093 01:21:52,908 --> 01:21:56,995 No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out. 1094 01:21:59,415 --> 01:22:02,834 I had one when I was 8 years old. 1095 01:22:03,002 --> 01:22:04,419 -What if he hurts himself? -Hey! 1096 01:22:04,587 --> 01:22:05,920 Ralphie, your coat! 1097 01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:10,592 -Don't shoot any animals or birds. -Except the Bumpuses' dogs. 1098 01:22:10,759 --> 01:22:14,762 Oh, you hush. Be careful, Ralphie. 1099 01:22:14,930 --> 01:22:17,140 Now, it is well-known throughout the Midwest. . . 1100 01:22:17,308 --> 01:22:20,518 . . .that the old man is a turkey junkie. 1101 01:22:20,686 --> 01:22:23,771 -A bona fide garley turkicanus freak. -Go fix your plumbing. 1102 01:22:23,939 --> 01:22:26,691 A few days before Christmas his eyes would begin to gleam. . . 1103 01:22:26,859 --> 01:22:29,777 -...with a wild and ravenous light. -Go in the other room. 1104 01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:39,037 Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours. 1105 01:22:51,634 --> 01:22:53,509 Oh, my God! I shot my eye out. 1106 01:22:53,677 --> 01:22:55,345 You'll shoot your eye out, kid. 1107 01:22:55,512 --> 01:23:00,475 You'll shoot your eye out You'll shoot your eye out 1108 01:23:00,934 --> 01:23:03,895 Ralphie, you be careful out there. Don't shoot your eye out. 1109 01:23:04,063 --> 01:23:06,773 She hadn't seen. She didn't know. 1110 01:23:06,940 --> 01:23:10,526 My eye's all right. The BB must have hit my glasses. 1111 01:23:10,944 --> 01:23:15,031 My glasses. Oh, no, where are my glasses? 1112 01:23:16,075 --> 01:23:19,077 Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution on a kid. . . 1113 01:23:19,244 --> 01:23:21,746 ...as a pair of busted glasses. 1114 01:23:26,085 --> 01:23:27,919 Stop! 1115 01:23:39,765 --> 01:23:41,683 Oh, no. 1116 01:23:43,644 --> 01:23:46,771 Oh, no. Pulverized. 1117 01:23:52,528 --> 01:23:54,654 Oh, no. 1118 01:23:57,866 --> 01:24:02,870 For a moment, I thought, I'll fake it. They'll never know the lens is gone. 1119 01:24:03,288 --> 01:24:04,497 Oh, no. 1120 01:24:04,665 --> 01:24:07,542 Rapidly my mind evolved a spectacular plot. 1121 01:24:07,710 --> 01:24:10,128 Let's see, an icicle. Yeah. 1122 01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:12,755 Falls off the garage and hits me in the eye. 1123 01:24:12,923 --> 01:24:14,882 It would work. It had to work. 1124 01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:17,301 Quickly, I whipped up some tears. 1125 01:24:17,469 --> 01:24:19,303 Ralphie? 1126 01:24:23,475 --> 01:24:24,851 What's the matter, honey? 1127 01:24:25,018 --> 01:24:26,519 Oh, what happened? What is it? 1128 01:24:26,687 --> 01:24:27,979 Let me see that. What is it? 1129 01:24:28,147 --> 01:24:30,940 There was this icicle and it fell off the garage and hit me. 1130 01:24:31,108 --> 01:24:33,276 Come on inside out of the cold. What is this? 1131 01:24:35,696 --> 01:24:37,363 -What? -No, it's okay. 1132 01:24:37,531 --> 01:24:41,075 Just read your funnies. It's all right. 1133 01:24:41,243 --> 01:24:44,996 Randy. Wake up, Randy. 1134 01:24:48,876 --> 01:24:50,126 Oh, God. 1135 01:24:50,544 --> 01:24:54,297 It hit my cheek and it broke my glasses. 1136 01:24:54,465 --> 01:24:59,010 -And I tried to get out of the way, but I-- -Let's try this. Wait a second. 1137 01:24:59,178 --> 01:25:02,847 There, see, it's just a little bump. 1138 01:25:03,015 --> 01:25:05,850 Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye. 1139 01:25:06,018 --> 01:25:08,519 Those icicles have been known to kill people. 1140 01:25:14,568 --> 01:25:17,987 -What's going on up there? -Nothing. We'll be right down. 1141 01:25:18,155 --> 01:25:19,572 You stay away from that turkey. 1142 01:25:19,740 --> 01:25:22,992 It's got an hour to cook. You'll get worms. 1143 01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:29,123 But what about my glasses? 1144 01:25:29,291 --> 01:25:31,626 You can wear the old ones with the crack in them. . . 1145 01:25:31,794 --> 01:25:34,545 . . . until we get you some new ones, okay? 1146 01:25:36,381 --> 01:25:39,050 I had pulled it off. 1147 01:25:39,718 --> 01:25:41,469 But I left my gun outside. 1148 01:25:41,637 --> 01:25:46,015 Yeah. Well, when you get dressed you can go out and get your gun, okay? 1149 01:25:46,183 --> 01:25:47,725 Hold that on there. 1150 01:25:47,893 --> 01:25:49,727 Life is like that. 1151 01:25:49,895 --> 01:25:54,732 Sometimes at the height of our revelries when our joy is at its zenith. . . 1152 01:25:54,900 --> 01:25:57,777 . . .when all is most right with the world. . . 1153 01:25:57,945 --> 01:26:02,573 . . .the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us. 1154 01:26:15,838 --> 01:26:17,338 Oh, turkey! 1155 01:26:21,426 --> 01:26:24,095 Oh, my God. 1156 01:26:25,764 --> 01:26:27,390 You sons of--! 1157 01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:36,941 Sons of bitches! Bumpuses! 1158 01:26:51,748 --> 01:26:54,250 The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house. 1159 01:26:54,418 --> 01:26:56,127 But it was gone. All gone. 1160 01:26:56,295 --> 01:26:59,422 No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. No turkey salad. 1161 01:26:59,590 --> 01:27:01,424 No turkey gravy, turkey hash. . . 1162 01:27:01,592 --> 01:27:04,051 . . .turkey à la king, or gallons of turkey soup. 1163 01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,888 Gone! All gone! 1164 01:27:10,684 --> 01:27:14,562 All right! Everybody upstairs. Get dressed. 1165 01:27:16,648 --> 01:27:18,566 We are going out to eat. 1166 01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:44,008 No, no, no. 1167 01:27:44,176 --> 01:27:47,178 Not: 1168 01:27:47,346 --> 01:27:48,596 Sing like this: 1169 01:27:56,521 --> 01:27:58,189 Try again. 1170 01:28:08,700 --> 01:28:09,992 Stop, stop, stop. 1171 01:28:10,160 --> 01:28:12,078 Sing something else. 1172 01:28:25,467 --> 01:28:28,386 No, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. 1173 01:28:28,553 --> 01:28:30,638 Kitchen. Bring food. For customers. 1174 01:28:39,982 --> 01:28:41,399 Oh, I'm sorry. 1175 01:28:41,566 --> 01:28:43,901 -Oh, yes. -Look at that. 1176 01:28:44,069 --> 01:28:46,904 It's a beautiful duck. Yes, it really is. 1177 01:28:47,072 --> 01:28:51,158 It's-- But you see, it's-- 1178 01:28:52,953 --> 01:28:56,998 -What? -It's smiling at me. 1179 01:29:01,211 --> 01:29:02,920 Okay? 1180 01:29:03,922 --> 01:29:05,464 -Beautiful. -Yeah. Yes, it's-- 1181 01:29:05,632 --> 01:29:08,426 -Wonderful, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. 1182 01:29:08,593 --> 01:29:11,512 That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christmas... 1183 01:29:11,680 --> 01:29:15,224 . . .when we were introduced to Chinese turkey. 1184 01:29:15,392 --> 01:29:18,185 All was right with the world. 1185 01:29:38,707 --> 01:29:41,625 Oh, honey, come over here. Look at this. 1186 01:29:41,793 --> 01:29:44,754 Ooh, is that beautiful. 1187 01:29:54,306 --> 01:29:55,973 Merry Christmas. 1188 01:30:29,674 --> 01:30:34,553 Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue-steel beauty. 1189 01:30:34,721 --> 01:30:37,014 The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received. . . 1190 01:30:37,182 --> 01:30:39,600 . . .or would ever receive. 1191 01:30:39,768 --> 01:30:41,852 Gradually, I drifted off to sleep... 1192 01:30:42,020 --> 01:30:46,690 . . .pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.