Well, we're here.
Yeah, we are.
Oh, you just look so grown-up in that new jacket. You do.
- OK, Bones, take care. - Now...
here is your bus ticket.
- Jonathon! - Argh!
- Take care of yourself. - I will.
Call us when you get there, OK?
Dad.
- See you over the holidays. - Oh, I'm so proud of you!
Mom.
Hi. How you doin'?
- (boy) Check out that geek. - (laughter)
- Nice jacket! - How are things on Neptune?
Nice. Real nice.
- How you doin'? - Welcome aboard, stranger.
Great, douche bag.
Yeah.
Another year, another idiot.
(# "Overnite" by Toymuzic )
# You'll be stayin' here with me tonight
# You're gonna love me overnight
Entrez.
- Hey! You must be Jonathon! - Yeah.
Squire Franklin Burroughs IV. Call me Skip.
- Hi, Skip. - I'll give you a hand with it.
What the hell you got in here? A dead body?
I got my books, my clothes, that kinda thing.
Last year we had a guy smuggled his girlfriend up here in one of these.
- Yeah? - He lost the key.
By the time he found it, she was dead.
Really?
- Just kidding. - Oh!
- Welcome to Vernon Academy. - Good one.
This is your side of the room.
You only have to wear this rag on duty days.
- Nobody said anything. I thought we... - Make yourself at home.
So, where are you from? Where'd you go to school?
Well... I grew up in Pittsburgh, went to public school there for about...
Holy shit, we're late!
Late?
Mm, how about these? Great, huh?
You know, these assholes, they all go to Neiman Marcus,
but I found this outrageous boutique, Henri's. It's great stuff, huh?
Yeah.
You know, if these things don't win first prize, there is no God!
- Well, hurry up and change. - Change?
Jeez, I forgot. You've never been to prep school.
Uh-uh.
You must think I'm pretty weird, huh?
- Well... - Look, look, this is a Vernon tradition.
Every year, the seniors have to parade around wearing women's underwear.
It's supposed to teach us humility. The seniors give the squits shit all year long,
and this is their one chance to laugh at us.
Oh! I get it.
- You thought... - Yeah.
Come on, this is a tradition. Jeez, what are you gonna do?
- Oh, no, I'll just stay here and unpack. - Let me think.
- Jenny! - Jenny? Hey. Hey.
Let's see. Ah! We're in luck!
- Mementoes. - I don't wanna dress up in women's...
- You're not gettin' mine. - I don't want yours.
Granted, you won't win any prizes, but at least you won't be embarrassed.
Get changed.
Come on.
- Come on. - I can't!
Come on!
Would you hurry up, man! We gotta go! We're late!
Come on. You look great. Let's go.
- Hey, guys! - Look at her!
- Skip?! Skip?! - You look great! You look great!
Nice ass you got there, babe!
Ooh, black! My favourite colour!
They love you!
Hey, turn around. Oh, look at those tits!
(chanting) Show your tits! Show your tits!
Hey, where'd you get that outfit?
It's Frank-N-Furter!
- Whoa! - Gotcha!
- (boy #1 ) Hey, you've really fallen for him! - (boy #2) I'm gettin' a gigantic soft-on!
It's the weenie in the bikini!
Shit!
(chanting) We want more! We want more!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I know it was a lousy thing to do.
Look, don't take it personally.
It really is a tradition. Somebody falls for it every year.
No hard feelings, OK? Look, it was just a prank. Don't take it personally.
OK?
We're roommates. We're gonna be together for a whole year. Truce?
Truce.
(French accent) There she is again. I think I'm in love with you.
- Hey, sweetheart. - (Jonathon) Yeah.
- Hello, miss, is your dance card filled? - I think she's in the wrong john.
- Lights! - (boys) Fuck you, Roscoe!
I said lights, nipple nose!
That's Mr Nipple Nose to you, Maybaum!
Shh! Quiet, here comes the walrus man.
- Good evening, Mr Maybaum. - Good evening, sir.
- All present and accounted for. - Hmm.
- Well, good night, then, Mr Maybaum. - Good night, sir.
One more thing. If you have any trouble with the boys smoking, let me know.
OK?
Good night.
(# "Holiday in Cambodia" by the Dead Kennedys)
Hey, there he is.
Hey, look, there's the geek in the lingerie.
It's the guy in the woman's underwear!
Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely April Pussy.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vernon.
- Hi, darling! - Hey, Jonathon, over here!
(French accent) Let me take you away from all this, my darling!
- He cries real tears. - Come here. Sit here.
Oh, let me wipe those tears!
- Oh, God, what a tool. - We're talkin' megadork.
Shut up!
- What is going on over there? - They pulled the underwear gag on him.
- (jeering) - (laughter)
- Going to change into your bra? - Don't forget to write!
I'm tellin' you, that guy's a wimp.
Hey, look, Jonathon, I think you've been ma...
Oh, my God.
Jesus!
I dunno why he'd do it! Jesus, I dunno why he did it, it was just a joke!
Hung himself!
I dunno why he did it, but it's my fault...
(siren)
Is this meant to amuse me, Mr Burroughs?
Quiet!
Stop by my office about eight in the morning.
You think about what you've done, and I'll think about what I'm going to do.
Oh, and, um... please invite your dead roommate.
All right, show's over.
(laughter)
I'm sorry. It was a lousy thing to do. But I was so humiliated I just had to kill myself.
Oh, just a prank, just a prank. No hard feelings, huh? Truce.
Truce.
I'm not really ready for this conversation. I usually have at least a month
before I am faced with students in women's underwear,
or an artist's rendering of my persona dangling from the rafters.
We're only in the first week, gentlemen.
It's frightening to imagine what could happen by Christmas, isn't it?
- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.
That was rhetorical, boys. I like to give everybody one chance to screw up.
I think we can assume you've each had yours now.
I hope this is the last such conversation I'll have with you until the end of the year.
- No ifs, ands, or buts. Is that clear? - (both) Yes, sir.
- We really gotta watch it. - We've gotta straighten up.
- Be responsible. Toe the line. - Gotta clean up our act. Absolutely.
They're never gonna sell it to us. It's never gonna work.
- We're gonna get busted. - Shh. Relax.
Which one of you youngsters is planning to buy this?
- I am. - Oh, really? How old are you, son?
50.
You did it!
I'm astounded by your brilliance and the magnitude of your gall.
Yeah, so am I.
This is something I've never told anyone,
so you've gotta swear to me what you hear will not leave this room.
Swear to God.
- OK. - Swear to God!
OK.
I killed a guy.
Yeah? (laughs)
- I mean it, Jonathon. - Me, too.
Last year, uh, I was in Montego Bay with some friends.
And we were all in this bar.
And I met this gorgeous girl. She takes me back to her place,
and then some huge guy had a gun to my head.
And my gorgeous gal, she's going through my pockets.
I must've been drunk, cos I kicked the guy in the balls.
And I went for the gun, and then the next thing I know, there's this huge explosion.
And, uh...
the guy was... lyin' on the ground
with blood pourin' out of a hole in his head.
- It was horrible. - Jesus.
God.
- What'd you do? - What do you think? I got the hell out.
What's the worst thing you've ever done?
- I cheated on my SAT. - I can smell bullshit a mile away.
Hey! It cost me I 50 bucks. I bought the test. I had every answer goin' in.
You cheated on the SAT? You cheated on the SAT?!
Yeah.
Christ, I love that! You're the smartest fuckin' guy in the whole school.
Mr Scholarship. I mean, even Roger did OK on the SAT.
It just so happens my whole life depends on my getting into Harvard.
You really cheated on the SAT!
It's pretty serious.
Hey, you killed a guy.
Well... not exactly.
What do you mean, "not exactly"?
Huh?
That son of a bitch got away with everything I had.
You know, I was so scared that I shit my pants.
What an asshole.
Oh, no, Kafka's symbolism here is obvious.
The apple represents original sin. Yeah.
It sticks in his side like Christ's wound and eventually festers and destroys him.
No, no, no. What he's really saying is we're all cockroaches.
- Later. - Hey, guess what you're doin' tonight.
- Latin. - Wrong.
You've got a date with the second-prettiest girl in Foxfield.
- You didn't. - Oh, I did. I did.
- I am not gonna be able to do this. - We are not gonna get caught.
I'm not talkin' about that. I'm talkin' about the girls.
- I've never done it before. - You've never done that before?
Sure, I've done it. God! Lots of times.
I mean, you know, not all the way every time, but...
I feel sick.
You've got nothin' to worry about. These are very nice girls.
I might not even get laid tonight.
Although that's highly unlikely. Turn off the light.
We're gonna get caught. You know what they're gonna do if they catch us?
Sure. But it doesn't hold a candle to what the girls are gonna do.
Oh, God.
(watch bleeps)
Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
(distant) Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
- (distant) Hoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo! - Oh, I don't believe this.
- (giggles) - Don't worry.
Here they are. Right on time.
- Hey. - (both) Hi!
(# "Stand in the Shadows" by Line One)
They want to work, it's just we haven't given them the opportunities.
Poor people are just like you and me, except with no money.
They have so many kids, they can't get out from under.
We've been educated. We use birth control.
Nobody gives a damn. Their situation will never change until we do something.
(grunts)
- You don't agree? - No. No, I, uh...
(Skip) Jesus! Jesus!
Jesus Christ, Jonathon, I don't believe it! Oh, God!
It's the grossest thing I ever saw! It's on my skirt!
You know, deep down inside, I really think they liked me.
Jonathon!
- Guess what I just did for you. - I don't wanna know.
Welcome aboard, Mr Secretary.
Secretary of the Dance Committee is bullshit. It's an excuse to get outta class.
That's only one of its positive aspects. The best part is there's five of us,
and 479 of them.
Let's get 'em.
- Oh-ho, look at the chest on her. - (French accent) Oh, the little girls.
- Chicks. - Love 'em.
Whoo!
- Hi. Welcome to Foxfield. - Love the fat girl! Ooh, the big fat one.
This is the way we think it should go. Just before the last dance,
our Mrs DeBreul and your Mr Kennedy will present the prize for best costume.
- Can we just say something? - We think this costume thing is childish.
What?! But it's a Halloween dance!
There are more important things than Halloween.
There are people starving!
Lisa, why don't you offer our guests some sandwiches?
A Halloween dance without any costumes is like every other dance!
I think any dance is inappropriate considering the condition of the world.
I am so tired of you two and your pseudo-intellectual liberal crap!
- Julia! - Your cotton-candy ideas make me sick!
- Lisa! - Hi.
Oh, no!
(Jonathon) Agh!
- Lisa! - I'm sorry.
Stay away from me! Oh, fuck!
- Lisa! - Oh, fuck!
You peon!
Oh! Oh!
Let's leave it up to the individual as to whether he or she wears a costume.
What do you think, Jonathon?
I'm terribly sorry, Mrs DeBreul.
Yes, it was most unfortunate.
The vase was a gift from Eleanor Roosevelt?
Irreplaceable. No, I don't think that's being too extreme, not at all.
As a matter of fact, I think you're being quite generous. Goodbye.
Well, Mr Burroughs, you and your dance committee
have really made an indelible impression on our sister school.
And especially you, Mr Ogner.
Not only are you forbidden to attend the Halloween dance,
but you are the first student in the history of Vernon Academy
ever to be banned from Foxfield until, and I quote, "the day you die".
On your way, gentlemen.
The white zone is for unloading...
Banished from Foxfield for ever!
The only females within 100 miles.
- Guess you're gonna die a virgin, buddy! - Give me some of that.
- Here you go, pal, Mr Alligator. - You wanna buy a shirt?
(brass chorale music )
Ta-da!
You look troubled, my son.
Worriest thou not about being banished for ever from the Foxfield school for girls,
for yea, though they are the only females within 100 miles,
there is still a place where thou canst journey to.
Chicago, on the nine o'clock bus.
- Forget it. - Desperate circumstances
require desperate measures. Sexually, you're finished around here.
- Must you rub it in? - Look, take this ticket.
Go to Rush Street, the Free N Easy Club. And you will meet the girl of your dreams.
If she ain't there, take what you can get. Grab a cab, take her to Grey's Lake Inn.
And there you will plant your seed in the Garden of Eden.
- Here's 100 bucks. - Forget it.
Jonathon! Until you get laid, none of us are safe!
And whatever you do, Jesus, don't tell her you're in high school.
- Tell her you're a longshoreman. - What?
- Say you're a theatre critic for the Times. - Yeah. That's better.
You're going. I don't want to see your ass back here until you succeed.
In fact, I'm not gonna let you in the room until you bring me... her panties.
Oh, come on. Look, Skip, I'm not like you.
I don't have your charm, your finesse, your, uh...
- Class. - Whatever. I'm no good with women.
I know that, you know that. The broads that go to the Free N Easy don't.
Look, Jonathon, you're a great guy.
You've got a lot going for you. Hey, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.
Well, I might say it if I didn't mean it, but probably not to you.
Come on, let's go!
(chicken noises)
I'd lend you some money, but I'm a little short.
Get this one for the Gipper. Come on, you guys, let's go!
- Bless you. - Yeah, bless you.
To the Promised Land, my son. To the Promised Land.
Hey, Jesus, I got a great deal on some alligator shoes, buddy.
(# "Hiding From Love" by Bryan Adams)
# You can't deny it, you're only hiding from love
Bartender!
Sir!
# You say you're shy, but you're only hiding from love
- Watch it! - Sorry.
# You're not deciding, you're only hiding from love
Hi. My name is Jonathon. What's yours?
Mind if I join you? So, do you live around here?
# You say that you're shy, but you're only hiding from love
Maybe another time.
Oh, man!
- Bartender! - Hold your horses! Be right with you.
- Go! - Go!
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six...
- Oh, man! - How did I do?
- I could do better than that. - Oh, she could do better than that!
Ten bucks. Ten bucks. Ten bucks.
- Hey, you're gonna lose some money! - Ellen!
- Ready for takeoff now? - Ready. Wait, wait, wait.
Get ready, get set, go!
(all) One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!
Pay up.
Drinks for the losers.
Nice little profit.
- This one's on the house. - Thanks.
Are you here alone?
- Huh? - Are you here alone?
Yeah.
You know, I get a really good feeling from you.
- You do? - Mm-hm. Gimme your hand.
You got a very exciting aura.
I bet you hear that all the time.
Well... now and again.
- Let me test it. - What?
Your aura. Take this quarter. Close your eyes.
See if you can run the quarter from your forehead to your chin,
and then from ear to ear,
but without ever losing contact with your skin.
- That's it? - It'll tell us everything we need to know.
Can I have my...? Yes. Thanks.
How'd I do?
I'm sorry. I guess the vibes just weren't right.
Wow. Look, you got two fours!
Excuse me.
- Could I... show you something? - Sure.
Oh, God!
- Why am I such a turd? - It could happen to anyone here.
- Vodka tonic, please. - Only a dick would fall for that.
Well, you might be right.
Yeah, I should...
Uh... thanks.
If you'll excuse me...
I'm gonna find a very tall building with a fabulous view, and jump off.
Trailways bus terminal, please.
I know just the tall building.
Whoo!
- Why don't you come back over here? - Why don't you come over here?
- No, I'm... I'm comfortable right here. - What are you afraid of?
Uh... dying.
Uh, look, I wanna be totally honest here. You're scarin' the hell outta me.
Hey, I just thought of somethin'. I haven't eaten. What about you? Are you hungry?
What do you say? I could... I could buy us dinner.
Now I am gonna jump.
- It's only money. - Yeah, well, it's my only money.
Have you ever... have you ever been in love?
- Yeah, I was pretty fond of that $100 bill. - Have you?
You're askin' me, the turd?
Well, you look like a pretty... sensitive turd to me.
Do you think there's something wrong with me?
Well, how do I know? I mean, I don't know you.
We can fix that.
Yeah, are you hungry? Cos I am pretty hungry. You could buy us dinner.
OK, so what do you wanna eat?
Um...
do you like Italian?
Uh...
Chinese?
Uh...
- This is an elevator. - Really?
I love elevators.
I think they're just wonderful.
I love the way they go up and down.
- Do you? - Oh, yeah, I think it's great.
Which do you prefer?
Going up...
or going down?
Um...
- Up is fine. - Really?
I think going down is much more exciting.
Well, yeah, now that you mention it, down is, uh...
Of course, going up... can be... a thrill.
It depends.
That's what I think.
(Ellen) Wait.
Yeah, up is... Down is...
- Wait, uh... Wait, where...? Where's the...? - (bell rings)
No, at the back. At the back.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, God! - Oh, God, I'm so hot.
Wouldn't you prefer... doing this... lying down?
Uh... yeah, sure. Whatever.
Or maybe... you prefer doing it standing up.
Um...
Um... I think I better lie down.
Look, just... just slow down. Just slow down.
- OK. - Kiss me.
Jonathon... Stop, my hair's stuck.
- Oh. Sorry. OK. - That's better. That's better.
- Oh, what's...? Wait a minute. The sheet. - Oh. Sorry. OK.
- How are you doing? - Oh, good! Good!
Maybe something's happened to him.
- I thought he'd be back by Friday. - I can't keep covering for him.
- Where is he? - How should I know?
You sent the little douche bag to Rush Street!
- Oh, shut up, you clone. - Up your tube, geek.
- I'm telling Kennedy. - Very honourable, Skip.
It's been nice knowin' ya.
Where the hell have you been?
- (wolf-whistling) - (cheering)
Very impressive, Mr Ogner.
- In a fucking elevator? - That was the first time.
I can't stand it!
Oh, it was stuck... between the 51st and 52nd floor.
- How old is she? - Oh, God...
mid-thirties.
Oh, God. God!
A fucking elevator! Fucking ele... Whoa!
Now let's each of us take a moment to look within ourselves,
and ask for guidance...
and strength.
- Our heavenly Father... - How big?
.. may you look down on each and every one of us
and give us the will,
the purity of mind, to follow your way.
- What's her name? - Ellen.
She's a fashion designer. Told her I'm at Northwestern workin' on my PhD.
And she bought it? And you really...?
Mm-hm.
- Jesus! And she really...? - Mm-hm.
- Jesus! - Hey, you wanna be careful?
Aw, man.
Hey! There he is!
- Mr Porno! - Yeah, the Rush Street Casanova!
- Hey, he's a sex machine. - The guy is an animal.
It's Dick Man! Able to leap long fences at a single bound!
Yes, Dick Man!
Oh, you lady-killer!
OK. See ya Monday.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen to this.
"One out of every two males experiences impotence at least once in his late teens. "
One out of two. Holy shit.
Well, have a swell weekend. Give Ellen my love.
(Ellen) Oh!
Oh!
Oh, Jonathon.
(Jonathon) Mm.
Let's do it again. What do you think? Hm? What do you think?
- Are you ready? - Mm-hm.
It's called an instant margarita.
- Ready when you are. - Open.
Swallow.
Swallow!
Do you want some water? Do you want some water? Open.
- Do you want more? - Cut it out!
- Just tryin' to help! - You're dealin' with an animal here.
- Oh, my. - All right, no more Mr Nice Guy.
- Oh, my God. - What?
That's it! You wanna play rough? Huh? You wanna play rough?
I love you.
(Jonathon) A lot of people ruin a good thing with pressure and strings.
They suffocate each other.
I don't want that kind of relationship. I don't think you do, either.
You know, Ellen, when I said I loved you,
I didn't mean for you to get the impression that I actually love you.
It's a cliche one falls back on in this situation.
What I was trying to say is, I very much like you,
but we shouldn't exaggerate the significance of that.
It's... We have a good time together.
Next weekend, why don't I come up?
- Up? - Yeah. To Northwestern.
We'll stay at your place.
My place? At Northwestern?
Yeah, great. That's a great idea. When do you wanna come up?
Next weekend.
Uh, yeah, next weekend I won't be there.
I'll be, uh... I'll be in the city.
- Oh. Chicago? - Yeah. No! No, New York.
I have to attend a seminar.
Well, that's even better. We'll have a great time.
- In New York? - We'll do the romantic bullshit routine.
(Jonathon) We'll have a great time. In New York.
- Wake up, limp dick! - (groans)
Oh, rise and shine. Come on, you're gonna be late for chapel.
- Let's go! - I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
Jesus!
What?
You look horrible.
Oh, I don't believe it.
What now?
New York.
I told her I'd meet her in New York.
In New York? Jesus, you're... What, do you love this chick? Huh?
Does she know you love her? No, really, does she know you love her?
Does she know you've gone completely off the deep end?
All's I know is, I gotta find a seminar in New York.
What are we doing?
- Getting rid of that eyesore. - I happen to like this eyesore.
(salesman clears throat)
- May I help you? - Could we try this jacket in his size?
39 regular?
We're not getting rid of it entirely, we're just giving it a much-needed rest.
- Sir? - Uh-huh.
- Ma'am. - OK.
All right.
(salesman) Very nice.
- What do you think? - Very distinguished.
- Now slacks. - Mm-hm. May I suggest, uh...
Grey flannel.
31.
Uh, 30.
- What are you saying about my trousers? - They speak for themselves.
Sir, you'll find the dressing room right over there.
Thank you.
Ellen?
Shit. Shit!
- Sir. Sir! - (alarm)
Ellen! Ellen!
- Where do you think you're going? - I have to catch her! Ellen!
Come on.
(horn)
Hiya, tiger.
What am I gonna do?
I don't know her number. I don't know her address. I don't even know her last name.
Knew her pretty well, did you?
I'm sorry. Look, she was bound to find out about it sooner or later.
Yeah. I just wish it was later, you know.
Christ.
Hey! You gonna spend the rest of your life in bed?
Don't you think you're takin' this a little hard? You've gotta go to dinner.
I can't believe you'd forgo eggplant surprise.
- I'm not hungry. - That's no reason not to eat the shit.
Coming or not? Last chance.
One more chance.
This is your final and last chance.
Leave me alone!
I'll leave you alone. You don't wanna do anything. You don't wanna...
What a jerk!
Very well done, Mr Jenkins.
Extraordinarily average, Mr Maybaum.
Very nice, Mr Jackson.
Very perceptive, Mr Burroughs.
Too vague, Mr Goobser.
We have something really mediocre here, Mr Ogner. Let's not keep it up.
Offended all my sensibilities, Mr Ruskin.
(bell rings)
Hey, Jonathon, wait up!
A C-plus - now you've got something to be depressed about.
- Even Roger got a B-minus. - I don't give a shit.
What'll you do for Christmas? Crucify yourself? I think you're missing the point.
- Do you? - I do.
She was beautiful. She was wonderful. But a fuck... It's just a fuck.
- Sometimes you're a real asshole. - You're not the first guy to be dumped on.
One thing I don't need right now is the world according to Skippy here.
Do us both a favour, huh? Just shut up.
OK, Mr Depth.
- Wallow in it. - (bell rings)
- Dammit, Roger, hurry up. - Don't rush me.
We're playing poker. You want me to help?
All right, all right. Does a full house beat a flush or does a flush beat a full house?
You don't even know how to play!
How many times do we have to tell you?
- Come on! Come on! - (thud)
- What was that? - (door opens)
It's Jonathon. He's really freakin' out.
Oh, great.
- Jonathon's always freakin' out. - We gotta redeal.
- Redeal? - He had to leave.
- So what? - It's a redeal.
- If it was your cards you wouldn't do it. - After someone leaves... doesn't count.
- Gimme those cards! - It's a null game.
No way! No way! Get outta here! If it was your cards, you wouldn't redeal.
Jonathon!
Jesus Christ! Jonathon!
Jonathon! Jonathon!
Jonathon! Come back, goddammit! Jonathon, stop!
Shut up! Shut up! Listen, man, you're gonna get kicked outta here.
You can kiss your fuckin' future goodbye, including Harvard. Do you hear me?
(muffled cry)
Kicked you out, didn't he?
I, uh... I just can't talk about it right now.
My parents give a shitload of money to this place. Nobody's kickin' you out.
What's done is done.
You dirt clod.
- Harvard accepted you already? - Headmaster Kennedy said, and I quote,
"Jonathon, you are a credit to us all", end quote.
- You saved my life, man. - You still owe me a blow job.
- You're right. I forgot all about that. - Jesus, you can't forget these things.
- We're drinkin'. It's on you. - Yeah, of course.
Ma, we can trim the tree when I get there.
I'm only gonna be gone the first four days. I mean...
Mom, I'll be home for Christmas.
- No. I gotta go. - (bell rings)
Yeah, I'll call you when I get there, I promise. I love you too, yeah. OK, bye.
Oh, Mom!
(# "Little Drummer Boy" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts)
# Come, they told me, pa rum pa pum pum
# A newborn king to see, pa rum pa pum pum
# Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pa pum pum
# To lay before the king, pa rum pa pum pum
# Rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum
# So to honour him, pa rum pa pum pum
Welcome to Toad Hall.
I have never seen such a vulgar display of wealth in my entire life.
- How do I get one? - Well, you can do what we did.
- Bootlegging bought the place. - Bootlegging?
Uh-huh. Before Gramps went legit.
Huh.
Oh, these are not for you, OK?
- Remember. - Thanks. I feel like I'm in a museum.
It's not much, but it's home.
- Maggie! - Skip!
- Hi, gorgeous! - How you doin'?
Great. I want you to meet Jonathon, my roommate, and a chronic bed-wetter.
You are not too old for me to put you over my knee, now.
Really? Oh, do it now, Maggie, do it now.
You're crazy!
No, I got it.
Wow.
- Hey! - Hey.
You know, this room has always had a special place in my heart.
Come here.
- I'd better not. - You'd better.
You wanna get good and ripped for an evening at home with the Burroughs.
Don't let the old man scare you. If you wanna get on his good side,
tell him you get a hard-on for firm government control.
Government control, Jonathon, is anathema to the free-enterprise system.
Any intelligent person knows you cannot interfere
with the laws of supply and demand.
I see your point, sir. That's why I'm not for tariffs.
Right.
No, wrong. You gotta have tariffs. How you gonna compete with the foreigners?
- Gotta have tariffs. - Jonathon, how can you be so blind?
(door closes)
We're in here, dear. We're havin' a drink.
Mom?
Mom!
Are these for me?
Here, let me have them.
I want you to meet my roommate Jonathon. Jonathon, this is my mom.
Uh...
Uh... very nice to meet you, Mrs Burroughs.
Hello. Hello.
Um... well...
I would like to freshen up, so I... I think I will freshen up, and, um...
I'll see you all at dinner. Darling.
(Mr Burroughs) Well, let's see, where were we before... we were interrupted?
Oh, yes. Government interference.
I'm also adamantly opposed to the government baling out corporations.
Unless it's one of our corporations.
(Mr Burroughs) Hm. Quick. Pretty quick, huh, Jonathon?
- Chip off the old block. - Holy fuckin' shit.
Jonathon?
Yes, sir?
Evidently you and I have something in common.
Can you guess what that might be?
Leave it, Maggie'll get it. Maggie!
Jonathon.
I, too, was the first boy in my class at Vernon to be accepted into Harvard.
Jonathon, how wonderful. Congratulations.
Why don't you try the roast, dear? It's a superb cut.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Wish we had food like this at old Vermin. We'd probably have a lot fewer suicides.
If you concentrated more on studies than jokes,
perhaps you too would've been accepted into Harvard by now.
Well, uh, Jonathon, back to Harvard.
I imagine this is a very exciting time in your life.
Oh, yes. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
I bet you are. Well, it's a turning point, really. If you study hard at Harvard,
you'll be able to write your own ticket.
Darling, get me some more wine, would you?
Why don't you wait for the last course?
That was quite a display you put on at the dinner table.
I guess it doesn't matter what you do in private.
Let me tell you somethin', lady.
As long as you're in this house with me, representing this family,
you will control that neurosis or whatever the hell it is you think you've got.
And you'll behave like a Burroughs even if you don't feel like one. Is that clear?
Jonathon?
Jonathon, I have to talk to you.
What do you want?
- I'm so sorry. - Sorry?
- Jesus, your son is in the next room! - I would never have done it
if I'd known who you were.
Look... I... I need to explain.
- No. No, you don't. - Please.
Jesus, I don't know what you want from me.
If you want understanding, OK. I understand.
Would you please hold me? Would you?
No, I can't.
(knocking) Hey, ace, are you awake?
Argh! Shit!
Ow! Jesus.
What are you doing?
Uh, I was trying to open the door for you. I tripped.
What a gonad!
Get dressed.
So, what did you think of dinner?
It's, uh, pretty fuckin' entertaining, huh?
Do you ever wonder if your parents still do it?
Actually, I think my parents have a pretty normal relationship.
He tells her exactly what to do, and she ignores him.
I'm never gettin' married.
- Neither am I. - That'll break a lot of hearts.
- How you doin', Jonathon? - Good.
Good man. Who wants to race me to the fence?
- How about you, Skip? - Whoa!
Come on!
How are you?
I want you off this property today.
- So, how was the snow where you were? - It was fabulous. We had five inches.
Oh, man. Comin' back here is depressing enough.
Havin' to face exams is almost more than I can bear.
Having to examine your face is almost more than we can bear.
- Funny. - You're a mindless idiot. I mean it.
You're a wit, Roscoe. You're a true wit.
- See you later. - OK, bye.
(bugle)
OK, you guys, the kid is back!
- Hey, buddy. - Miss me?
Do you really think an investigation of our students is necessary?
Yes, I do. So does the state of Illinois.
I want to see the student files as soon as possible.
I think the only way to clear up the problem is...
Is there somebody out there?
Uh, yes, sir. It's, uh, me, sir.
And what can I do for you, Mr Maybaum?
Mrs Hayworth needs your signatures on here. I mean, your signature.
To sign it.
(yells)
I don't get it! I don't get it!
I don't wanna get it! I hate it!
- Skip. - No, forget it. There's no way.
I'm a dead man. Adios, Harvard. Bonjour, Trade Tech.
OK, look, look.
If the area un... Skip.
If the area under the curve represented by F times the quantity X
is bounded by vertical lines X = sub A and X = sub B, what do you have to find?
- A gun. It's hopeless. - (knock at door)
Meeting in Roscoe's room after lights out!
That's in three hours. I better get ready.
All I heard was that he was talkin' about some investigation.
- What investigation? - I don't know. That's what I'm tellin' you.
(knocking)
(all mutter).. five, six, seven, eight.
- Jonathon, telephone. - (mimicking) Jonathon, telephone.
- Hello? - (Ellen) Jonathon?
- Oh, God. - How are you?
- Are you serious? - Why didn't you say goodbye?
- Look, you ordered me off the property. - Did I?
- Don't play games with me, huh? - I have to see you.
Yeah, I can't talk. I gotta go.
- Take care of yourself. - Yeah. Yeah, you too.
- Why don't we just kill the guy? - It'd be good if we could.
- Who was it? - Huh?
On the phone.
Oh.
My mom. The dog died.
No shit.
- What does this guy look like? - Hitler, man. The guy looks like Hitler.
He's got a little moustache and beady little eyes. He stares right through you.
The bastard never blinks. I was in there for five minutes, the guy didn't blink once.
He just... stares right through you. He goes...
Yeah!
All right, so it's me, Roger, Doug, and Barry.
(knocking)
.. five, six, seven, eight.
- Phone again for Jonathon. - His dog died again.
Shh! OK, look, here's the plan.
This is the bedroom. There's a window here.
If it's clear, we'll all come around this corner and go through the window.
- Search for anything. - Anything.
- Yeah, I'm still here. - (Ellen) Just to talk. Just for an hour.
- I can't, OK? - Jonathon.
- Can't. - Just for an hour.
Please. Come on, don't call me any more, all right?
Jesus.
(tuneless singing)
OK, let's go.
Come on, come on!
Shh! Get down. Let's go.
- Holy shit! - What?
- Guy's a fuckin' narc! - Shh!
Hello?
Shit! Let's get outta here!
- Is anybody there? - Go! Go!
Get outta my way! Get outta my way, dammit!
- Shit! - Come on, man, move it. Go. Go.
Hello?
- When's the bust? - I don't know!
Raid. Raid, man.
- What's goin' on? - The guy is a narc.
- You better dump it all! - I'll never make it through exams now!
Quick!
If you have anything, you'd better dump it right now.
- How are you gonna flush that? - Watch me.
Outta my way. I got shit to flush here.
Make way, gentlemen, please.
Read 'em and weep.
All right! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! All right! All right! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
Jonathon! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Ya-da-da-da-da-da! Ya-da-da-da-da-da! - Skip! Skip.
- Well? - You passed.
Passed, my ass, man. We're number one and two, me and you.
Thanks to you, we're a friggin' genius!
- So we're gonna party our balls off. - I can't.
- I didn't hear that. - I gotta go to Chicago.
- Great thinkin'. I own the town. - No, come on, I'm goin' alone, Skip.
Jesus, not that shit again. I told you to forget about her. You'll never find her.
No, I'm not goin' for that. I just wanna be alone, OK?
OK.
But next time you're feelin' sad and blue, don't expect old Skipper here
to put on his big red nose and floppy shoes just pour vous.
Adios... Mr Morose.
Yeah! Yeah!
Jesus Christ, I'm not the one who calls you up every week for a month, OK?
Do you understand your son is my roommate, my best friend, OK?
I can't believe we're arguing about this.
I came here today cos I felt sorry for you.
Where the hell do you get off talking to me like that?
You don't know anything about me.
You don't know anything about my life.
When I first saw you in that bar...
you were pathetic.
You were a sympathy fuck.
Jesus Christ.
You'd better go, Jonathon.
Um, room service. It's room 1017. I'd like a bottle of vodka sent up right away.
- Oh, that'll really help, won't it? - Yes, it will, Jonathon.
A damn sight more than you will. 1017.
I asked you to go.
You can't call me any more.
I know.
I won't.
I'm sorry.
Hold me.
- Are you sure it'll be all right? - Trust me.
He is in serious trouble. He's forgotten the meaning of the word "debauchery".
This is gonna be great.
Bet you've never been with guys as crazy as us.
- Sure he's in here? - Yeah, man, I told you, I followed him.
Shh!
Shh. Shh. Are you ready? Shh.
(Skip mouths)
Room service!
(knocking)
Room service!
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Shit.
- Maybe we ought to leave. - Skip.
Skipper.
Jonathon, aren't you going to introduce your friend?
She got any sisters, Jonathon?
- (girl #1 ) Well, that was a short party! - (girl #2) Yeah!
Would you please... excuse me?
Skip! Skip!
(man) Lights out!
Look, Skip...
Skip, come on. Look, Skip, I didn't know who she was.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
Come on... Do you think we should talk about this?
Hey, there's nothin' to talk about. I told you, a fuck is just a fuck.
OK.
Urgh!
What's your problem, Skip?
Argh! Damn you!
- Get outta my way! - Cheap play, Burroughs! I'm warnin' you!
- What the hell is goin' on there? - I don't know.
Son of a bitch!
I'll fix your ass for you!
(whistle blows)
Burroughs, you bastard.
Watch the language! Burroughs, I've had it with you. Get outta here!
- Yeah, let's go! - (squawking laughter)
- Hey, man. - (boy squawks) Bye-bye!
Take a cold shower!
- Mr Burroughs. - Hello, Jonathon.
- How are you? - Fine. You know when Skip'll be back?
Uh, he should be back soon.
How've you been?
Good.
Pretty busy?
How's your social life?
Girlfriends?
No?
OK, sir. Come on, let's get it over with. I can't take this.
What are you talkin' about?
What am I talkin' about?
What are you doing here?
- Would you excuse us? - Sure.
What's wrong?
Your mother's in the hospital, son. She checked herself in three days ago.
She felt she needed psychiatric help.
She's getting it.
You don't seem surprised.
- What do you want me to say? - What kind of attitude is that?
It's not an attitude. If she thinks that she needs help, then she should get it.
Face it, Dad, we're just a fucked-up family.
That's the guy. That's the narc.
Gentlemen, I am going to need your help.
This is Mr Balaban. He is from the state attorney general's office,
and he is presently conducting an investigation of the schools in our area.
Apparently, there has been some widespread cheating on the SAT tests.
I hope that Mr Balaban is wrong about Vernon Academy, but nonetheless,
we are going to give him our full cooperation.
- You're dead, Roger! - Asshole!
- You stupid shit! - A narc, huh?
- You asshole! - I flushed $300 down the goddamn toilet!
So, this is a real pain-in-the-ass way to meet, isn't it?
- I hear you're already headed to Harvard. - Yes.
You got a near-perfect score on your SAT test.
Very impressive. Normally I would've suspected you right away.
Right away.
But you've been a straight-A student all your life, so...
the only conclusion I can draw is, either you're innocent,
or you've been stealing tests since you were in nursery school.
I guess we better get down to business.
I'm gonna have to ask you some questions.
Do you have any knowledge of the stolen SAT tests?
No, sir.
Did you purchase an SAT test?
No, sir.
Thank you.
They kept Ostroff for an hour and a half.
- I heard they nailed Powers. - Powers! What a jerk-off!
He didn't cheat, but he's so scared he confessed to smokin', goin' off campus,
- and spyin' on Kennedy's wife in the can. - Oh, man!
Well, I tell you somethin',
it'll take more than some fag from the attorney general's office to open my lips.
Yeah! Two fags!
Fuck you, Roscoe! Wait till you get in there, you'll be Jell-O guts.
How you doin'?
You heard from Harvard.
Hey.
Congratulations.
(narrator) Seldom seen by civilised man,
this sacred rituaI was captured by our camera...
(shouting)
- Shut the projector off, please. - (booing)
More bodies for the inquisition, Mr Maybaum?
Yes, ma'am.
Mr Simons and Mr Burroughs, you are today's lucky winners.
- Thank you, ma'am. - Shit.
I know we're supposed to give our full cooperation
to this stupid and pointless investigation,
but when they interrupt one of my classes,
it pisses me off.
(boy) This is now my favourite class.
Come in. Sit down.
Squire.
So, this is a real pain-in-the-ass way to meet, isn't it?
I see you, uh... applied to Harvard.
I'm an NYU man myself. I... worked my way through.
Got a very high score on your SAT.
"Burroughs".
You're not by any chance related to the Burroughs who's on the board of AT&T?
Daddy.
Really?
Ha-ha. I would imagine that the pressure to get into Harvard must be very intense.
Your grades weren't bad.
Your grades were all right.
But it was the SAT score that got you in.
I don't wanna put you through this.
But we've all done things that we're ashamed of.
Things that we have to live with.
Sometimes painfully. Because only occasionally...
does the opportunity present itself to rectify our mistakes.
And with that said, I guess we should get down to business.
Do you have any knowledge of the stolen SAT tests?
Mr Burroughs, where do you think you're going?
Fuck you.
- He really said "Fuck you"? - He looked him straight in the eye,
- said it, and walked out. - All right!
I couldn't believe it!
- He told Balaban to go fuck himself. - No shit?
- He told Balaban to go fuck himself! - Burroughs told Balaban to fuck himself!
Hey! Skip!
Good job!
Skip!
Come on. Why didn't you turn me in? Huh?
You don't talk to me. You save my ass, but you don't talk to me.
Well, thanks, buddy. Maybe I'll do the same for you sometime, huh?
What could anybody do for Mr Perfect, though?
Hey, I got it. I'll drop dead. Wouldn't that be nice, huh?
I could shoot myself. No, you shoot me and mount my head next to the moose.
You could stretch the panties between my ears. Come on, you'd love that!
How the hell was I supposed to know who she was? You sent me to the bar.
You send her there to get laid, too?
You son of a bitch. You went back there even after you knew who she was.
Goddammit, you're gonna talk to me!
Oh, get away from me! Get away from me, you...
OK, you wanna talk? You wanna fucking talk, you lying son of a bitch?
You bastard! Come on! Come on!
- I'm sorry, man. - Come on, let's go!
Come on.
- Cut it out! - I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!
Come on. Cut it out.
Argh! Shit!
Stay away from me!
Argh! Fuck!
Skip?
Fuck!
You son of a bitch!
Come on!
- God damn you! - Oh, just back off!
- Truce! - Truce, shit!
I never would've seen her again.
She kept callin' me.
I just wanted to talk, honest to God.
But, oh, shit...
I was in love with her, I really was.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, Skip.
Skip?
(voices)
- Jesus! - Whoa!
What's goin' on? Holy shit!
- Have you guys been fightin'? - This looks kinda private. We oughta...
- Oh. Oh. OK. - Yeah.
If you need anything, you know, like a neck brace...
- Come to my room. See you later. - .. we'll be right down the hall. Bye!
- Real later. - OK, see ya.
Oh, by the way, your mom called.
Yeah?
The dog died.
What?
You're so gullible!