1
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:36,958
HERLIHY: And now, from New York,
<i>The Jerry Langford Show...</i>

2
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with Jerry's guests:
Tony Randall, Richard Dreyfuss...

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Rodney Dangerfield, Dr. Joyce Brothers,
Lou Brown and the orchestra...

4
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and little old me, Ed Herlihy.

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And now say hello to Jerry!

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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Thank you. Good evening.
You look like a great audience.

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Louis, how are you? Lou Brown and
the marvelous Langford orchestra.

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Group.

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(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

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- Um, Ed, how are you tonight?
- Very well.

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Wonderful. I'm sorry I woke you.

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(ALL LAUGH)

15
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I shall adhere to
your request, sir.

16
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You want Jerry's autograph?
Give me the books.

17
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Give me the books,
give me the books. Okay.

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(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

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MAN 1: Have him write something personal.
- Half an hour. Goodbye.

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RUPERT:
I'll give you Mia Farrow for it.

21
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I'm not gonna give you anything else. I'm
not wasting my time going in to get it.

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WOMAN 1: Hi, Rupert.
MAN 2: Hello, Rupert.

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MAN 3: Who'd you get?
RUPERT: Nobody.

24
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MAN 3: I got Rodney Dangerfield.
I'll trade for Barbra.

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- You're wasting your time.
MAN 3: Robin Williams.

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Sidney, it's not my whole life.

27
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That supposed to mean
it's my whole life?

28
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It's not my whole life. It's not my whole
life, that's right. It's yours, but not mine.

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(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

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WOMAN 3:
Jerry, it's me! I love you!

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Don't go, Jerry! No! No!

32
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Will you stop shoving, please?
Will you stop pushing?

33
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I'm not gonna take this, Jerry! No!

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WOMAN 3: Jerry! Jerry!

35
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Please.

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Okay! Stand back! Stand back!
Please let Mr. Langford get some air!

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Didn't you get my message?

38
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Come on, people.

39
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Jerry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to disturb
you. I just wanna talk to you for a minute.

40
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- This is not the time.
- If we could just drive away.

41
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You can drop me off anywhere.

42
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No, I have a very strict rule
about people getting in the car.

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I hate to bring this up, and
I don't mean to be rude,

44
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but I did put myself
on the line for you.

45
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- Go ahead, Harvey. Hit it.
- Jerry! Jerry!

46
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(CAR HORN HONKING)

47
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Here.

48
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Thanks.

49
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- Is that your initials?
- Yeah.

50
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I just wanna tell you,
my name is Rupert Pupkin.

51
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I know the name doesn't mean very much to
you, but it means an awful lot to me, and...

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- Calm down. Take your time.
- I'm a little nervous.

53
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You might have wondered who I am.
I've been outside your show many times.

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I'm in communications now, but the point I'm
trying to make is, by nature I'm a comedian.

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You're gonna say, "Not another one." But,
believe me, I'm very good. I'm dynamite.

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I wouldn't take one minute of your time
if I wasn't convinced I'm dynamite.

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You're probably wondering, "if he's so
good, how come he hasn't caught my act?"

58
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That's a very good question, and
I'll tell you why. You know why?

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I've been biding my time, slowly and
carefully, so that when my big break came...

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Like the night when Jack Paar
got sick? Your big break?

61
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That was the night that convinced
me I wanted to be a comedian.

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I walked out of that show
like I was in a dream.

63
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After that, I caught all your
guest appearances on Sullivan.

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I studied everything you did. The way you
built to your one-liners, nice and relaxed.

65
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How you delivered the jokes
without leaning too much on them.

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How you didn't say, "Hey,
folks, here's the punch line."

67
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You know, Jerry?
You know what I'm talking about?

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You don't say, "Folks, here's the punch
line." You just do the punch line.

69
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Exactly. That's what I loved
about what you did.

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So, what I'm trying to say is that,
you see, now I'm ready.

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I'm ready, and I've
finished the course.

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And I'm thinking as I'm sitting here now,
maybe this is my big break, my big chance.

73
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You know what I mean?

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What do you think?

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(SCOFFS)

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- What'd you say your name was?
- Rupert Pupkin.

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All right, look, pal.
Gotta tell you...

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this is a crazy business, but it's
not unlike any other business.

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There are ground rules.

80
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You don't just walk on to a
network show without experience.

81
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It's an old hackneyed expression,

82
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but it's the truth: you've
got to start at the bottom.

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- That's where I am, at the bottom.
- That's a perfect place to start.

84
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I know that,
but there's gotta be a...

85
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Ah, it looks so simple to the viewer at
home, those things that come so easily...

86
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that are so relaxed and look like it's a
matter of just taking another breath.

87
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It takes years and years and years
of honing that and working it and...

88
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There's only one problem. I don't mean
to interrupt you. I'm 34 years old.

89
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That's why I'm asking
you if you'll listen to

90
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my act and tell me what
you think about it.

91
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I'll tell you what.
Why don't you call my office?

92
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- All right, okay. I could do that.
- You ask for Cathy Long. She's my secretary.

93
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- And we'll make time to listen to you.
- Uh...

94
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You know how many times I've had
this conversation in my head?

95
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- Did it always turn out this way?
- Yeah, it did, heh.

96
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I really believe this.

97
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I think once you get over the initial
shyness, you're gonna be okay.

98
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- Yeah?
- Yeah.

99
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- I hope it works out for you.
- Thanks, Jerry. Thanks a lot.

100
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It's a pleasure meeting you, Jerry.

101
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Jerry?

102
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I'm short on cash, but if you
don't mind just appetizers,

103
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I'll take you to dinner sometime.

104
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I got people waiting. I don't know
what my schedule is. Maybe we can.

105
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Thanks, Jerry, thanks.

106
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Jerry! Jerry.

107
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Let me show you a picture
of my pride and joy.

108
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- That's good. It is.
- That's good, isn't it?

109
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Hey, Jerry, take it.

110
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Take it. Go ahead. Take it.
Consider it a gift. It'll work for you.

111
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- I will.
- Not that you need the help, heh.

112
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Jerry. Seriously,
you ever want lunch, my treat.

113
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- Call my office.
- Okay, okay, okay.

114
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Okay. Jerry, you're a prince.

115
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Hey, Rupe, before I forget, I really
appreciate you meeting me for lunch.

116
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I know how busy you are
and how tired you are.

117
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What are friends for, Jerry?

118
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(JERRY SIGHS)

119
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You're the one who looks tired.

120
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Yeah, I know. It's the show.

121
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The pressure, the ratings,
the same guests, same questions.

122
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- I'm just not enjoying it anymore.
- That's... the worst.

123
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Listen, I really wish you would
think about it again, okay?

124
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You're starting again.
You're starting up again.

125
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- It's not that big a deal to think.
- I am thinking. I'm thinking.

126
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That's all I do, is
think day and night.

127
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How can I not think about it?
I'm here at lunch with you...

128
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which I knew was the reason
you invited me...

129
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and all I'm sitting here for
is to get guilty with you, right?

130
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:10,526
I'm asking you to take over the show
for six weeks. I mean, what's six weeks?

131
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Anything, but don't ask me to do six weeks.
I can't take over the show for six weeks.

132
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I can't even take over
my own life for six weeks.

133
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And you're asking me to do
something that's impossible!

134
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- It's impossible.
WOMAN: Rupert!

135
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:27,000
- What?
- What are you doing down there so late?

136
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It's impossible!
I'm trying to tell you that.

137
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You want the tears to
come out of my eyes?

138
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There's gotta be a way you can
work it out. It's just six weeks.

139
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DOLORES: Excuse me, uh, Mr. Pupkin?
Do you think you could...?

140
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Yeah.

141
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- Sure. What's your name, dear?
- Dolores.

142
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Dolores? That was my father's name.

143
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"To Dolores, who sensed greatness."

144
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There you go, sweetheart.

145
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- Thanks, Mr. Pupkin.
- Don't mention it.

146
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WOMAN: Rupert! Rupert,
who are you talking to?

147
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- Mom!
- What is it?

148
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Please stop calling me!

149
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It's terrific. It's great.
There's only one problem, though.

150
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- He made you bigger.
- Will you give me an answer?

151
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All right, you got the six weeks.
I'll give you the six weeks.

152
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Don't bother me. I'll give you six weeks.
What can I say? Are you happy now?

153
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,608
You're a tough man, Rupe.

154
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You gotta be in this business.

155
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(LAUGHS)

156
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,731
(LAUGHING)

157
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:04,260
(PHONE RINGING)

158
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,656
- Hello.
<i>MASHA: Hello. It's Masha, Jerry.</i>

159
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,613
<i>- Did you get my note?</i>
- Who is this?

160
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:23,246
<i>MASHA: It's Masha. Did you get the note?
I left it on the back seat.</i>

161
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,283
<i>I dropped it there before
they dragged me out of the car.</i>

162
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<i>Those guys really hurt me. I think
that was a bit much. I really do.</i>

163
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- How did you get this number?
<i>MASHA: Don't be angry with me, Jerry.</i>

164
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:37,378
- I said, how did you get this number?
<i>MASHA: I didn't know what else to do.</i>

165
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,381
(UNHOOKS PHONE)

166
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,840
How have you been, Rita?

167
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:24,758
- Do I know you?
- I think you might.

168
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,890
Rupert.

169
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:34,525
- Rupert Pupkin, right?
- Right.

170
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,355
I brought you a little present.

171
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:43,610
Oh, yeah. I remember.
Mr. Romance, heh.

172
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,531
RUPERT: Put an aspirin in that.
It'll last longer.

173
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,126
So, what are you up to these days?

174
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:56,338
You're looking as
beautiful as ever, Rita.

175
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:59,876
Well, here I am.
Local cheerleader makes good.

176
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:04,673
You know, it's funny, but I...
I, uh, voted for you, Most Beautiful.

177
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,099
Did you? That was sweet.

178
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:08,960
I didn't have the nerve
to tell you then, but...

179
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:12,063
Yeah, now you can tell me.
It's okay, we're both adults.

180
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,025
When you're younger, you're
afraid to say those things...

181
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,482
but when you get older,
15-, 20 years later...

182
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,148
you can say all those things that you
should have said 15-, 20 years ago.

183
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:26,195
Isn't that the final
irony of life? Isn't it?

184
00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,909
I guess.

185
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,285
Are you happy in this place, Rita?

186
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,419
- Why? You got something better?
- Maybe.

187
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,801
- Oh, really? Like what?
- Well, what are you doing tonight?

188
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,758
- What am I doing tonight?
- Yeah. What's so funny?

189
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:45,968
(CHUCKLES)

190
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:50,226
It only took you 15 years to ask me for a
date. Don't you think it's a little late?

191
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,102
(LAUGHS)

192
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,935
Really? Well...

193
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:58,776
Waiter? Can I have a fresh one?

194
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:01,066
Rita.

195
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:02,947
Who is your favorite movie star?

196
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,197
(CHUCKLES)

197
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:08,828
This some kind of a game? You gonna tell me
something about my character, my future?

198
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:13,833
You'll see. Tell me. Everybody
has a favorite movie star.

199
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,995
Well, I better come up with somebody
or we'll never get out of here, right?

200
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,629
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

201
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:22,668
- That's a little test, heh.
- Let's see. Marilyn Monroe.

202
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,179
Perfect.

203
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,398
Talent register, huh?

204
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:42,983
That's her name.

205
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:46,991
She signed this when she was in New York
on her publicity tour for <i>The Misfits.</i>

206
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,322
- That was her last movie, you know.
- Yeah?

207
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:54,829
She wasn't a great actress, but she
did have a real gift for comedy.

208
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:59,041
She died tragically alone, like many
of the world's most beautiful women.

209
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,956
I don't wanna see that
happening to you.

210
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:03,841
(SCOFFS)

211
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,342
- Who's this?
- Burt Reynolds.

212
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,473
- This?
- Mel Brooks.

213
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:15,512
He's what you call "on" funny.
Others are just regular.

214
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:19,524
That's Sid Caesar. He's remarkable.
I really like him. He's great.

215
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:22,276
Woody Allen. He's a
personal friend of mine.

216
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,780
- Of course he is.
- Ha, ha. No, he is.

217
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,822
That's Ernie Kovacs.
He was wonderful.

218
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:34,285
He was a great comedian, a great
innovator, and it was a great, great loss.

219
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,575
Oh, I bet some of these
are worth money.

220
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:40,541
Oh, yeah. Especially this one.
Just hold it.

221
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,094
- Who's this?
- Well, just take a guess.

222
00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:52,723
- Heh, it looks like a retard wrote this.
RUPERT: Ha-ha-ha.

223
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,556
The more scribbled the name,
the bigger the fame.

224
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,431
That might be true,
Rupert, but who is it?

225
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:02,066
"R" is the first letter.

226
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:06,149
- Come on, Rupert. Who is it? I'm tired.
- Well, I'll give you a little hint.

227
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,527
- R...?
- Robert Redford.

228
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:09,736
(RUPERT CHUCKLING)

229
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,321
No.

230
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,245
No, no.

231
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,906
That's Rupert Pupkin.

232
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,585
Rupert Pupkin.

233
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:25,669
I surprised you, didn't I?

234
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,096
Take this as a gift.

235
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:38,603
Take good care of that. In a few
weeks, everyone's gonna want one.

236
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:40,638
Rupert, you have not changed.

237
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:44,935
Just a couple of hours ago, do you
know who I was talking to? Guess.

238
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:48,939
- Your shrink?
- Heh, that's very funny.

239
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:52,780
No. Jerry Langford.
That's right. The Jerry Langford.

240
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,785
He gave me the go-ahead, Rita.

241
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:55,945
(RITA SIGHING)

242
00:19:56,112 --> 00:20:00,618
You know what? Don't tell anyone yet, but
you're looking at the new King of Comedy.

243
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:02,035
(RITA CHUCKLING)

244
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,750
Why not me? Why not?

245
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,916
A guy can get anything he wants,
as long as he pays the price.

246
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:11,803
What's so funny about that? I mean,
crazier things have happened.

247
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,635
You don't understand
what a shot on Langford means.

248
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,891
That's coast-to-coast
national TV...

249
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,895
a bigger audience than the greatest
comedians played to in a whole lifetime.

250
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,306
A shot at a free ticket
on the comedy circuit.

251
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:27,477
A comedy show of my own.
<i>The Rupert Pupkin</i> Show. Everything.

252
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,112
All that leads in one
direction: Hollywood.

253
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:33,775
A beach house in Malibu on the ocean.
And we'll keep a suite at the Sherry.

254
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:37,821
Everybody stays there when they make it big.
Up top, so we can look down and yell:

255
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:41,491
"Hey, tough luck, suckers!
Better luck next time."

256
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,500
Come on. What do you say?

257
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:47,004
It sounds wonderful, Rupert,
and I wish you the best of luck.

258
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:50,963
But it's getting late and I'm a
working girl. I gotta go home.

259
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:55,346
I don't get you.
Here I am offering you a way out.

260
00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:58,633
Rita, every king needs a queen.

261
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:01,143
I want you to be mine.

262
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,680
(CHUCKLES)

263
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,233
This is a nice street.
Nice building.

264
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:09,860
- Thanks for your jacket, Rupert.
- Oh.

265
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,489
I guess you're entitled
to come up and have some coffee.

266
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:17,242
Oh, no, I wouldn't
wanna impose, really.

267
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,870
- I know I can be...
- What do you want, Rupert?

268
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,530
What?

269
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:26,999
- What do you want?
- What do I want?

270
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,711
Rita, you still don't understand?
I love you.

271
00:21:30,873 --> 00:21:35,003
I wanna help change your life,
if you'll just give me a chance.

272
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,840
What if I set something up
between me, you and Jerry?

273
00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:42,886
What if we went out to dinner
one night? What do you think?

274
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:47,603
You know what's even better? We'll go
to his summer house for a weekend.

275
00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:50,894
- He wouldn't wanna meet me.
- That's not true.

276
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:54,067
Jerry is a very nice guy.

277
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:57,780
He's a very, very nice guy,
and we had a terrific meeting.

278
00:21:57,942 --> 00:21:59,681
You shouldn't sell yourself short.

279
00:21:59,707 --> 00:22:02,723
You have too little faith, and
you're a wonderful person.

280
00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:09,879
Why don't you go to sleep
and get a good night's rest, okay?

281
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:12,836
Okay.

282
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:16,377
- Good night, Rupert.
- Good night.

283
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:19,718
Go to sleep right away.

284
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,360
RUPERT: I'll tell you, boy.

285
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:36,109
Hi, Liza. Good seeing you.

286
00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:39,902
Jerry, good seeing you.
Jerry. Don't get up.

287
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:43,287
Ah, oh, boy, I'll tell you.

288
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,573
Every time you come
back from a tour...

289
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:49,118
there must be something in the air
or the tour, it really becomes you.

290
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,959
It's like you become rejuvenated.
I don't know what it is.

291
00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:55,091
Isn't that so, everybody?
Isn't that so?

292
00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:59,174
Heh, that's the truth. I'll tell you.
It's amazing. You look wonderful.

293
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:04,137
Yeah, I know. You look wonderful too,
Jerry. I wasn't leaving you out, heh.

294
00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:07,140
What? Yeah!

295
00:23:07,303 --> 00:23:08,350
(LAUGHING)

296
00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:18,106
Oh, Jerry. I love this guy. Always
coming up with these great lines.

297
00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:21,776
I love him. I love him.
He's wonderful. You're wonderful.

298
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:24,286
I don't know what
I'd do without you.

299
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:29,417
MOTHER: Rupert! The bus is here.
It's early. Try to be on time for once!

300
00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:33,830
I can't believe this. Ha, ha, I gotta
go now. Yeah, I gotta catch a bus.

301
00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:38,593
Jerry, take care of yourself.
Baby, be good. Good luck in Rio.

302
00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,592
- Good morning, Rupert.
- Good morning.

303
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:49,603
- How are you?
- This is for you.

304
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:51,230
Work.

305
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:55,609
- What time is it?
- It's 10:00.

306
00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:58,942
Is it 10 o'clock? Could I use
the phone for one second?

307
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:00,151
- Is it local?
- Yeah.

308
00:24:00,314 --> 00:24:02,942
Sure. Just dial 9 first,
and make it short.

309
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:04,530
(DIALING)

310
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:13,537
Hello. Jerry Langford, please.

311
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:15,875
Rupert Pupkin.

312
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:17,965
Thank you.

313
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:23,346
Yes, uh, is Jerry there, please?
Rupert Pupkin.

314
00:24:23,504 --> 00:24:25,381
Yes.

315
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:30,185
Well, just tell him it's Rupert calling,
and he'll know what it's about. Thank you.

316
00:24:31,762 --> 00:24:35,892
Oh. Oh, he is? Well, that's okay.
I'm in a meeting myself.

317
00:24:36,058 --> 00:24:41,189
Uh, just tell him I called. Thank you very
much. And I'll call later. Thank you. Bye.

318
00:24:41,772 --> 00:24:43,866
Was that the Jerry Langford?

319
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,989
- I'll see you, Roberta.
- Sure.

320
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:52,784
RUPERT: Hello. Jerry Langford,
please. Rupert Pupkin.

321
00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:56,921
Yes, Rupert Pupkin calling.
Jerry Langford, please.

322
00:24:57,079 --> 00:24:59,673
Which, the first name
or the second name?

323
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:05,509
P-U-P-K-I-N. It's often mispronounced
and misspelled, so that's why... Yes.

324
00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:09,926
Jerry knows I'm calling.
He knows what it's about. Sure.

325
00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:15,431
I see, I see. I see.
Yes, you can call me.

326
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,941
I'll be here for the
next hour and a half.

327
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:24,449
I'm at my office, and
the number is JL5-4321.

328
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:34,746
I am waiting for a phone call.
It'll only take a few minutes.

329
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:38,128
- All these phones don't work.
- The phone does not work.

330
00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:40,585
I cannot make a call. I
am expecting a call.

331
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:44,469
- Let me try. I'll make a call.
- It doesn't work.

332
00:25:44,626 --> 00:25:48,551
Wait. Let me just slide in and make
a call. Let me just make a call.

333
00:25:49,465 --> 00:25:52,969
- It's important.
- This phone don't work either!

334
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:27,470
I can't do that. Because we're
gonna be working late. Hold on.

335
00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:29,471
- Yes, sir?
- Yes, Jerry Langford, please.

336
00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:32,759
- Your name, please?
- Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.

337
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:38,184
- Rupert...?
- Pupkin. P-U-P-K-I-N.

338
00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:41,476
People often misspell
it and mispronounce it.

339
00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:49,325
There's a man here by the name of Rupert
Pumpkin who wants to see Mr. Langford.

340
00:26:53,654 --> 00:26:58,831
I'm sorry, Mr. Pumpkin, but Mr. Langford's
secretary has no record of your appointment.

341
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,504
Pardon me?

342
00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:04,711
We have no record of
your appointment.

343
00:27:05,374 --> 00:27:08,878
Oh, well, technically speaking,
I don't have an official appointment...

344
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:13,015
but he did ask me to call him personally,
and I was in the neighborhood.

345
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:16,302
I was having trouble
calling for some reason.

346
00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:18,220
The line seemed to be busy.

347
00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:21,061
He has no appointment.

348
00:27:21,223 --> 00:27:24,397
His secretary wants to know
what this is in reference to.

349
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,109
- Mr. Gangemi, go right in.
- Hello?

350
00:27:27,271 --> 00:27:32,493
Yes. Jerry and I discussed my being on the
show last night. He told me to call. Yes.

351
00:27:34,069 --> 00:27:36,071
No, sure, sure. Sure.

352
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:38,832
I'm supposed to wait.

353
00:28:15,777 --> 00:28:17,905
Is that cork?

354
00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:20,950
I don't know what it is.
Is it dripping on you?

355
00:28:21,116 --> 00:28:23,790
No. I was looking at the patterns.
Uh...

356
00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:28,214
You know, cork is good for sound.

357
00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:30,842
It's very quiet in here.

358
00:28:31,001 --> 00:28:32,127
(PHONE BEEPS)

359
00:28:32,294 --> 00:28:33,796
Reception.

360
00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:37,679
No, you got an hour or so
before they come in. Yeah.

361
00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:40,014
He hasn't come back
from the meeting yet.

362
00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:42,976
- Mr. Pipkin?
- Pupkin.

363
00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:45,641
- Sorry. I'm Cathy Long. Can I help you?
- You are...?

364
00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:49,311
I'm Bert Thomas's assistant.
He's our executive producer.

365
00:28:49,478 --> 00:28:53,324
Oh, I'm sorry. I've already spoken to Jerry
directly about my being on the show.

366
00:28:53,482 --> 00:28:57,112
He told me to get in touch with him
personally. I'm here to follow up on that.

367
00:28:57,277 --> 00:29:00,326
- What is it exactly that you do?
- I stand-up comic.

368
00:29:00,489 --> 00:29:04,164
- Oh. Where are you working now?
- Right now I'm working on new material.

369
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:08,172
Well, as soon as you do start working
again, why don't you give us a call...

370
00:29:08,330 --> 00:29:10,924
and we'll send someone
to check out your act. Thanks.

371
00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:14,337
- Jerry and I went over this last night.
- Does Jerry know your work?

372
00:29:14,503 --> 00:29:17,256
Yes. I don't think he does.

373
00:29:17,631 --> 00:29:22,011
- Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- A tape? Oh, naturally. Whatever you'd like.

374
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:23,846
Why don't you drop me by a tape?

375
00:29:23,872 --> 00:29:26,582
I will. I can see where
Jerry would need that.

376
00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:30,444
- Of course. Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too.

377
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,071
This is really what's right.

378
00:29:33,230 --> 00:29:35,324
This is great. This is...

379
00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:39,370
See you again.
Nice talking to you. Bye.

380
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:50,793
MASHA: Rupert. Hey, Rupert.

381
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:55,385
I gotta talk to you. What
happened last night in the car?

382
00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:58,013
- Did he talk about me?
- No, he didn't.

383
00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:02,221
- He talked about me, as a matter of fact.
- He must've said something about me.

384
00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:05,684
What's he gonna say about you after
what you did in the car last night?

385
00:30:06,346 --> 00:30:10,271
- You must be really loving this.
- You were schmucko supremo last night.

386
00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:14,735
Hold on a minute. I'm the schmuck? Me?
You're wrong, buddy. You're very wrong.

387
00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:19,697
If I hadn't gotten in that car, you'd never
even have had the chance to talk to Jerry.

388
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:23,785
What? I don't wanna be cruel, but
we're in front of Jerry's building.

389
00:30:23,947 --> 00:30:27,793
God forbid he should see me with you.
Jerry and I have a real relationship.

390
00:30:27,951 --> 00:30:33,048
No fantasy world. After what you did last
night, I don't even wanna see you anymore.

391
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:37,928
Fine! That's the way you want it?
See if I care! Just get it to him.

392
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:40,108
I'm not giving him anything.
No way.

393
00:30:40,134 --> 00:30:43,083
You're the one who's so friendly.
You give it to him.

394
00:30:43,216 --> 00:30:46,686
We're having a communication problem,
and I need you to get this to him.

395
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:47,996
Is that what you call it?

396
00:30:48,022 --> 00:30:50,875
You're always bragging about how
you broke bread with Jerry.

397
00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:54,270
Just do this for me, Rupert.
I've done things for you.

398
00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:57,610
You haven't done anything for me.
What are you talking about?

399
00:30:57,773 --> 00:30:59,109
How about Howard Johnson's?

400
00:30:59,135 --> 00:31:02,053
I bought you food. I bought
you coffee night after night.

401
00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:05,038
You got your mind screwed up.
I bought my own coffee.

402
00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:07,620
You never bought anything!

403
00:31:07,783 --> 00:31:10,627
What about things I did for you
that no money can buy?

404
00:31:10,786 --> 00:31:16,293
What about the time I gave you my spot?
I let you get right next to Jerry!

405
00:31:16,458 --> 00:31:21,680
I waited for eight hours and you went right
next to him because you were crying to me!

406
00:31:21,838 --> 00:31:26,639
And what about the time I gave you my last
album of <i>The Best of Jerry?</i> What about that?

407
00:31:26,802 --> 00:31:29,681
I didn't even ask you for money,
and I can't even pay my rent!

408
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:33,521
What are you talking about? I live in
a hovel! And you live in a townhouse!

409
00:31:33,683 --> 00:31:35,651
I can't believe this girl!

410
00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:37,563
Here, I got money for you.

411
00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,548
I can't believe how long
I've been your friend

412
00:31:40,574 --> 00:31:43,511
and listened to your tired,
stale, boring jokes!

413
00:31:43,652 --> 00:31:45,825
- Here's $900.
- Will you be quiet?

414
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:48,331
Take this and give it to Jerry.

415
00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:51,369
All right, this is the last time.
This is the last time.

416
00:31:51,535 --> 00:31:54,334
- When are you gonna get it to him?
- You're a wacko.

417
00:31:54,496 --> 00:31:58,376
You make sure. I'll know if you don't.
I know where you are, where Jerry is!

418
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,465
I cover the waterfront!
Remember that!

419
00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:01,674
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

420
00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:05,467
What are you looking at? Beat it!
You scum! You're street trash!

421
00:32:20,522 --> 00:32:25,699
First, Miss Long, thank you for your help at
the office and for passing this on to Jerry.

422
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:28,159
I appreciate it more than you know.

423
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:31,315
Jerry, thank you for
listening to this material

424
00:32:31,341 --> 00:32:33,898
and for the opportunity
you've given me.

425
00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:37,335
Lots of people think that guys
like you, people who've made it...

426
00:32:37,497 --> 00:32:40,671
lose their feeling for struggling
young talent such as myself.

427
00:32:40,834 --> 00:32:44,213
But now I know from experience that
those people are just cynics...

428
00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:46,507
embittered by their own failure.

429
00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:51,554
I know, Jerry, that you are as human
as the rest of us, if not more so.

430
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:54,439
No point in going on about it.
You know how I feel.

431
00:32:54,598 --> 00:32:58,273
So let's get on with the show,
<i>The Best of Rupert Pupkin.</i>

432
00:32:58,435 --> 00:33:02,781
Jerry, I've sketched out this little outline
in order to save you a bit of time.

433
00:33:02,939 --> 00:33:08,241
It's a little introduction. So close
your eyes and imagine it's exactly 6:00.

434
00:33:08,403 --> 00:33:14,081
You're standing in the wings, and we hear
the orchestra strike up your theme song.

435
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,665
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

436
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:20,253
<i>HERLIHY (OVER SPEAKERS): And now from New
York, it's The Jerry Langford Show...</i>

437
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:24,921
<i>with Jerry's guests:
Richard Pryor, Ben Gazzara...</i>

438
00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:27,930
<i>Elizabeth Ashley, Carol Burnett...</i>

439
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:31,764
And the comedy find of the year,
making his television debut...

440
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:36,433
...Rupert Pupkin, the new King of Comedy!
MOTHER: Rupert! Rupert!

441
00:33:36,598 --> 00:33:38,942
Are you crazy?
What's the matter with you?

442
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:42,604
RUPERT: Come on, Mom!
MOTHER: People are sleeping. Lower it!

443
00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:48,994
- What's the matter with you?
- Mom!

444
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:50,394
Take it easy. Lower it.

445
00:33:50,420 --> 00:33:53,227
I'm not gonna lower it!
I have to do this now!

446
00:33:53,365 --> 00:33:56,460
I don't mind you
playing it, but lower it.

447
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:01,631
Now, you come on, Jerry,
and do your monologue.

448
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:06,637
When the time comes, this is how I see
you introducing me. Something like this:

449
00:34:06,795 --> 00:34:11,767
"Will you please give your warmest
welcome to the newest King of Comedy...

450
00:34:11,925 --> 00:34:14,178
Rupert Pupkin!"

451
00:34:14,344 --> 00:34:16,017
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING OVER SPEAKERS)

452
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:22,103
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Rupert Pupkin.

453
00:34:22,269 --> 00:34:24,692
I was born in Clifton,
New Jersey...

454
00:34:24,854 --> 00:34:26,652
(PEOPLE LAUGHING OVER SPEAKERS)

455
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:31,111
Is there anyone here from Clifton?

456
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:38,744
But the fact is that no
one's allowed to be...

457
00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:42,668
Because once you fall
below a certain level...

458
00:35:10,025 --> 00:35:12,904
CATHY: Mr. Pipkin.
- Pupkin.

459
00:35:13,069 --> 00:35:16,073
- Pupkin. Sorry.
- You'll get it right one of these days.

460
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:18,992
- I'll bet you have a tape for me.
- Right here.

461
00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:22,880
Got your name on it? We'll listen to it
and get it back to you as soon as we can.

462
00:35:23,038 --> 00:35:27,214
Thank you very much. When Jerry finds
a moment. Good. When will that be?

463
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,377
Uh...

464
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:34,345
Actually, you can try me tomorrow. We might
know something by then. Otherwise, Monday.

465
00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:36,350
Monday?

466
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:41,231
Hmm. Miss Long, what I might do is just wait
here a while. Maybe Jerry'll find a minute.

467
00:35:41,389 --> 00:35:45,314
CATHY: You're wasting your time. We won't
know until tomorrow at the earliest.

468
00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:49,232
That's all right. I don't mind. I'm not
wasting my time. I'm glad to do it.

469
00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:51,946
It's important to me,
so I really don't mind.

470
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:54,827
CATHY: It'll probably be Monday.
- Monday?

471
00:35:57,364 --> 00:35:59,583
Well, I'll still wait.

472
00:35:59,741 --> 00:36:02,244
Really, I don't mind. It's okay.

473
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:06,085
I'll tell you what. Why don't you
try me tomorrow afternoon for sure?

474
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:08,966
- Tomorrow? What time tomorrow?
CATHY: Mm-hm.

475
00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:12,129
- Four thirty.
- Four thirty. I'll be here. Thank you.

476
00:36:12,295 --> 00:36:13,842
- You're welcome.
- And thank Jerry.

477
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:15,678
- I will.
- Okay.

478
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:22,268
RUPERT: Goodbye.

479
00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:28,232
Goodbye.

480
00:36:30,897 --> 00:36:34,618
At least once in his life
every man is a genius.

481
00:36:34,776 --> 00:36:37,950
And, Rupe, it's gonna be more
than once in your life for you.

482
00:36:38,113 --> 00:36:40,866
It's gonna be a number of times,
because you've got it.

483
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:44,627
From what I've heard here, you've
got it and you're stuck with it.

484
00:36:44,786 --> 00:36:49,383
I don't care if you wanted to get rid of it,
you couldn't. It's always gonna be there.

485
00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:54,513
Now, I know there's no formula for it.
I just don't know how you do it.

486
00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:58,801
And I'm not curious, mind you,
because I wanna use the material.

487
00:36:58,967 --> 00:37:04,815
I'm just curious to know how you do it. I
really have to ask you. How do you do it?

488
00:37:04,973 --> 00:37:07,570
I think it's that I
look at my whole life,

489
00:37:07,596 --> 00:37:10,676
and I see the awful, terrible
things in my life...

490
00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:13,941
and turn it into something funny.

491
00:37:14,107 --> 00:37:16,485
It just happens.

492
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:19,200
Were the first few
one-liners strong enough?

493
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:22,806
If they were any stronger,
you'd hurt yourself.

494
00:37:22,832 --> 00:37:25,485
They're marvelous.
Leave them alone.

495
00:37:25,618 --> 00:37:29,168
I remember a man... A man said...
Listen to me. Listen to me.

496
00:37:29,330 --> 00:37:33,585
A man said something very profound some
years ago, which I later originated.

497
00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:34,799
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

498
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:39,011
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. You
wanna know how I know it's so good?

499
00:37:39,174 --> 00:37:40,125
Yes.

500
00:37:40,151 --> 00:37:43,955
Because I envy you.
I hate you, but I envy you.

501
00:37:44,095 --> 00:37:48,100
Because it's purity, it's
marvelous, it's humor based on you.

502
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:52,817
No one else could do it but you. I wouldn't
lie. I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe.

503
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:58,361
Now, look, this weekend would be a perfect
time for you to come out to the house...

504
00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:02,531
if you care to, and we can hash it around.
Only because I wanna know how you do it.

505
00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:04,995
There'll be people there,
but we can still work.

506
00:38:05,158 --> 00:38:07,707
- It sounds great.
- Terrific.

507
00:38:07,869 --> 00:38:09,997
- I would really like to come.
- Wonderful.

508
00:38:10,163 --> 00:38:12,336
Could I bring somebody?

509
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:16,345
- A young lady?
- A very special young lady.

510
00:38:16,503 --> 00:38:18,722
Of course. I'd like to meet her.

511
00:38:22,801 --> 00:38:25,896
- Heh, hey, Jerry, how you doing?
- How are you?

512
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:28,978
- You're looking good.
- You should see me in my white taffeta.

513
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,517
(MAN LAUGHING)

514
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:34,563
- You're doing some great shows, Jerry.
- Thanks a lot.

515
00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:39,360
- How about putting me on your show?
- Yeah. I could've used you last night.

516
00:38:41,611 --> 00:38:43,488
(MEN WHISTLING)

517
00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:46,283
(MEN CHEERING)

518
00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:55,717
Come on down!

519
00:38:59,504 --> 00:39:02,053
MAN: Hi, Jerry. How are you?
- Hi there.

520
00:39:02,215 --> 00:39:05,264
WOMAN: Morris, you will not believe
who's coming down here.

521
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:08,646
Jerry Langford, right?
Morris, please hold on.

522
00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:12,230
Jerry, could you please
sign my magazine for me?

523
00:39:12,392 --> 00:39:16,238
You're just wonderful. I've
watched you your entire career.

524
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:21,744
Would you say something to my nephew
Morris on the phone? He's in the hospital.

525
00:39:21,901 --> 00:39:25,906
- I'm sorry. I'm late.
- I hope you get cancer!

526
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:28,074
Jerry?

527
00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:30,369
I can't. I'm late.

528
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:57,770
(HORN HONKING)

529
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:37,189
Yes, sir? Oh, hi.

530
00:40:37,352 --> 00:40:39,605
- Hi. How are you?
- Not bad.

531
00:40:39,771 --> 00:40:42,365
Good, good. I'm fine.

532
00:40:43,942 --> 00:40:47,196
- Can I help you?
- Yes. I'd like to see Jerry, please.

533
00:40:47,362 --> 00:40:49,364
You are...?

534
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,658
Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.

535
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:56,754
Mr. Potkin is here. That's right.

536
00:40:57,538 --> 00:40:58,915
Okay.

537
00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:01,213
She'll be with you in a minute.

538
00:41:01,709 --> 00:41:03,382
- Who's that?
- Miss Long.

539
00:41:03,544 --> 00:41:07,890
Oh, well, I'd prefer to see Jerry.

540
00:41:08,049 --> 00:41:10,143
Miss Long will take care of you.

541
00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:12,554
Okay. I'll wait right here.

542
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,780
And as a surprise to Rupert for being
on the show with us tonight...

543
00:41:22,939 --> 00:41:27,536
we'd like to present to you someone in a
form that we've never presented before.

544
00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:32,074
A mystery guest. Would you please welcome
our mystery guest? Let's hear it for him.

545
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:33,913
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

546
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:45,170
Jerry, this is the mystery guest?

547
00:41:45,336 --> 00:41:47,088
This is the mystery guest.

548
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,217
Let me see if I can place him.
I think I know.

549
00:41:50,383 --> 00:41:53,102
- Don't you remember me?
- No, I don't.

550
00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:56,936
- I'm George Kapp.
- George Kapp. My high-school principal!

551
00:41:57,098 --> 00:41:59,601
- You guessed it.
- Well, how are you?

552
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:02,847
You used to fail me. What do you have him
on the show for? He's an enemy, heh.

553
00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,026
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

554
00:42:04,188 --> 00:42:06,068
- Only because you deserved it.
- Oh, thank you.

555
00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:08,322
But I'm a justice of the peace now.

556
00:42:08,484 --> 00:42:10,953
- I perform weddings.
- Do you?

557
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,827
Jerry.

558
00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:19,000
Jerry, what are you doing?
I can't believe this.

559
00:42:19,162 --> 00:42:21,210
Believe it.
It's part of the surprise.

560
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:25,798
How would the audience like to see the King
of Comedy marry his queen on the show?

561
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,713
I can't believe it.
I don't know what to say!

562
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,474
He's too much. He's too much.

563
00:42:31,632 --> 00:42:34,260
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

564
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:58,994
(PLAYING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS")

565
00:43:43,663 --> 00:43:48,669
KAPP: Dearly beloved, when Rupert here
was a student at Clifton High School...

566
00:43:48,835 --> 00:43:54,558
none of us... Myself,
his teachers, his classmates.

567
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:58,219
Dreamt that he would
amount to a hill of beans.

568
00:43:58,386 --> 00:44:02,186
But we were wrong.
And you, Rupert, you were right.

569
00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:08,109
And that's why tonight,
before the entire nation...

570
00:44:08,271 --> 00:44:12,401
we'd like to apologize
to you personally...

571
00:44:12,567 --> 00:44:15,912
and to beg your forgiveness for...

572
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,949
For all the things we did to you.

573
00:44:19,365 --> 00:44:22,869
And we'd like to thank you
personally, all of us...

574
00:44:23,035 --> 00:44:28,087
for the meaning you've
given our lives.

575
00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:33,421
Please accept our warmest wishes,
Rita and Rupert...

576
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:37,967
for a long and successful
reign together.

577
00:44:40,678 --> 00:44:44,023
We'll be back to marry them
right after this word.

578
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:48,444
Mr. Pupkin.

579
00:44:48,603 --> 00:44:49,946
- How are you today?
- I'm fine.

580
00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:51,731
Good, good.

581
00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:55,243
I wanna thank you for your tape. We
listened to it with great interest.

582
00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:56,618
Oh, good. I'm glad.

583
00:44:56,777 --> 00:44:59,451
We see a lot of good things
in what you're doing.

584
00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:04,245
We think you have potential, which is why
I'm gonna be absolutely honest with you.

585
00:45:04,410 --> 00:45:07,163
That's the way you should be.
Absolutely honest.

586
00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:10,129
- We don't think you're ready yet.
- Don't think I'm ready.

587
00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:13,511
- We don't feel that you're right for Jerry.
- Right for Jerry. Mm-hm.

588
00:45:13,669 --> 00:45:17,160
Some of the material is good,
but some of the one-liners,

589
00:45:17,186 --> 00:45:19,292
for instance, are not very strong.

590
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:23,020
They're not very strong. You didn't
like some of the jokes. Is that it?

591
00:45:23,179 --> 00:45:25,648
- That's right.
- Good. I can take care of that.

592
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:28,357
Just tell me the ones you
don't like, and no problem.

593
00:45:28,383 --> 00:45:30,177
Actually, that's a great help.
Great.

594
00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:34,615
We think you have a good potential.
Your timing is excellent.

595
00:45:34,774 --> 00:45:36,947
But you should keep
developing your act.

596
00:45:37,109 --> 00:45:39,630
You ought to test it in
a few live situations.

597
00:45:39,656 --> 00:45:41,640
I think that'd be
very good for you.

598
00:45:41,781 --> 00:45:44,409
There are a number of
clubs that you can try.

599
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:49,046
When you start working in one of those,
give us a call. We'll send someone down.

600
00:45:49,205 --> 00:45:51,299
- Thanks.
- You're welcome. Bye-bye.

601
00:45:51,457 --> 00:45:53,175
Thank you.

602
00:45:54,669 --> 00:45:58,219
Miss Long, may I ask you a question?
Are you speaking for Jerry?

603
00:45:58,381 --> 00:45:59,678
- Yes, I am.
- You are?

604
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:04,846
- He has complete faith in our judgment.
- Well, I'm sorry to have to say this.

605
00:46:05,012 --> 00:46:08,016
But I have to tell you, I don't
have faith in your judgment.

606
00:46:08,182 --> 00:46:09,805
I'm sorry that you feel that way.

607
00:46:09,831 --> 00:46:12,337
But I guess there's nothing
we can do about that.

608
00:46:12,478 --> 00:46:15,197
No, I'll have to disagree
with you again, Miss Long.

609
00:46:15,356 --> 00:46:17,450
That's your privilege, Mr. Pupkin.

610
00:46:17,608 --> 00:46:20,703
Now, would you excuse me?
I have a great many things to do.

611
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,159
Miss Long, when will Jerry be back?

612
00:46:23,322 --> 00:46:26,496
Mr. Langford won't be in
until very late this afternoon.

613
00:46:26,659 --> 00:46:30,163
Mr. Pupkin, we mean what we say
when we thank you for stopping up.

614
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:34,379
And we mean it when we tell you that
you can call us when you start working.

615
00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:37,341
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

616
00:46:58,566 --> 00:47:00,159
(RUPERT CLEARS THROAT)

617
00:47:00,318 --> 00:47:01,444
(RUPERT CHUCKLES)

618
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:04,284
Is there anyone else
you'd like to see?

619
00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:09,127
No. That's all right.

620
00:47:11,245 --> 00:47:13,247
I don't mind waiting.

621
00:47:13,998 --> 00:47:18,094
Which reminds me about the man who waited
so long, he forgot what he was waiting for.

622
00:47:20,713 --> 00:47:23,637
Well, would you mind
waiting outside, Mr. Pupnick?

623
00:47:23,799 --> 00:47:26,222
This is a reception area,
not a waiting room.

624
00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:29,059
I understand.

625
00:47:30,348 --> 00:47:31,395
(CLEARS THROAT)

626
00:47:40,566 --> 00:47:43,445
- Did you ask him to leave?
- Yeah, but he won't go.

627
00:47:43,611 --> 00:47:46,080
- What's his name?
- Rupert Pumpkin.

628
00:47:48,908 --> 00:47:52,958
Hi. I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of
security for the Langford organization.

629
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,464
Why don't we go outside and talk?
Is this your bag?

630
00:47:55,623 --> 00:47:57,796
Yes. I'm waiting for Jerry.
It's personal.

631
00:47:57,958 --> 00:48:01,303
- We'll talk about that outside.
- I know he's expecting me.

632
00:48:01,462 --> 00:48:05,467
Listen, we'll talk about that outside.
Please take your bag.

633
00:48:05,633 --> 00:48:08,978
I'll explain company policy
to you on the way, okay?

634
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:13,607
Now, I'm pretty sure you understand
that we have certain rules here...

635
00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:19,114
that are essential to the smooth
functioning of our operation. Right?

636
00:48:19,271 --> 00:48:22,445
- If I could just say that...
- Now, just listen, please. Okay?

637
00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:26,954
And that without these rules, we really
wouldn't be able to function at our best.

638
00:48:27,113 --> 00:48:29,332
- You follow my point?
- I get the point, except...

639
00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:31,993
- Please, Mr. Puffer.
- After you.

640
00:48:32,159 --> 00:48:35,663
- After you, sir, please.
- If I could just say that Jerry is...

641
00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:40,301
Just listen to me. I checked with Miss Long.
You do not have an appointment.

642
00:48:40,459 --> 00:48:44,635
Now, company policy is that
only authorized personnel...

643
00:48:44,797 --> 00:48:48,518
and those persons with official
business with our organization...

644
00:48:48,676 --> 00:48:51,520
are permitted on our premises.

645
00:48:51,679 --> 00:48:54,353
In other words, you want me
to leave the building?

646
00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:20,924
MASHA: Well? Did you get it to him?
RUPERT: What?

647
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:26,639
- Did you get my letter to him?
- He's not in there, okay?

648
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:30,051
Now that you're so in with him,
you can't do me a favor? Don't bother.

649
00:49:30,217 --> 00:49:32,686
Just give me the letter.
I'll find somebody else.

650
00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:35,394
- He wasn't there.
- I saw him go in myself.

651
00:49:35,556 --> 00:49:37,558
- Who?
- Jerry!

652
00:49:37,725 --> 00:49:40,854
- He's up there right now. Wanna see him?
- That's impossible.

653
00:49:41,020 --> 00:49:42,567
They assured me that he was out.

654
00:49:42,730 --> 00:49:45,028
- And you believed them?
- Mm-hm.

655
00:49:45,191 --> 00:49:48,240
You're so naive.
I would expect that from you.

656
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,700
So inexperienced.
You're such a chump.

657
00:49:50,863 --> 00:49:54,037
- He went up there just now?
- Of course. Go back up.

658
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,919
Assert yourself a little bit.
He's up there right now.

659
00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:10,137
Oh, no.

660
00:50:10,674 --> 00:50:13,302
- Would you tell Jerry I'm here?
- I'm sorry, he's not in.

661
00:50:13,469 --> 00:50:17,064
- I know he is. Would you tell him I'm here?
- I'm sorry, he's not in.

662
00:50:17,223 --> 00:50:20,818
You're putting your job on
the line, lady. You hear me?

663
00:50:20,976 --> 00:50:22,774
Security.

664
00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:25,531
You too.

665
00:50:46,585 --> 00:50:48,838
CATHY: Mr. Pupkin, what
are you doing here?

666
00:50:49,672 --> 00:50:51,470
Mr. Pupkin?

667
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:53,725
Mr. Pupkin.

668
00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:56,687
Get security on the telephone.

669
00:51:03,102 --> 00:51:04,729
WIRTZ: There he goes.

670
00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:10,277
Hold on. Grab his other arm.
Hold on to him.

671
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:13,321
Right. All right,
right out the door.

672
00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:16,790
You wouldn't listen, huh?

673
00:51:16,949 --> 00:51:18,166
Jerry? Jerry?

674
00:51:18,325 --> 00:51:20,111
WIRTZ: Nobody's gonna help you.

675
00:51:20,137 --> 00:51:22,901
You're gonna have a lot
of explaining to do.

676
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:26,008
WIRTZ: You had your warning, Krupkin.
- My lawyer'll be calling you.

677
00:51:26,166 --> 00:51:28,885
WIRTZ:
Make sure he gets my name right.

678
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:34,467
- Say goodbye to our guest, Miss Long.
- Wait till Jerry hears about this.

679
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:37,011
WIRTZ: I will mention your
name to Jerry, Pupper.

680
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:43,105
Listen good, because if we see your face
again, we're gonna call the police.

681
00:51:43,976 --> 00:51:48,026
Thank you. Thank you
very much, heh, heh.

682
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:51,283
Terrific. I suppose
that you got the letter to him?

683
00:51:51,442 --> 00:51:53,570
- No, but I'll get it later.
- Great.

684
00:51:53,736 --> 00:51:57,491
- You just got thrown out of the building.
- I didn't get thrown out.

685
00:51:57,656 --> 00:51:59,374
- What do you call that?
- I didn't.

686
00:51:59,533 --> 00:52:02,002
Excuse me. I wasn't thrown
out of the building.

687
00:52:02,161 --> 00:52:05,711
- You're a constant embarrassment.
- They walked me outside.

688
00:52:05,873 --> 00:52:10,344
- You can't handle the simplest things.
- I'll tell you something else. I'm going...

689
00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:14,132
- Jerry invited me for the weekend.
- Great. I'll go with you.

690
00:52:16,717 --> 00:52:18,014
Do I look okay?

691
00:52:18,177 --> 00:52:20,396
- Wonderful.
- Does this look all right?

692
00:52:20,554 --> 00:52:22,807
- That, I'm not sure about.
- What do you mean?

693
00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:25,396
- You look wonderful.
- What's wrong with it?

694
00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:27,561
Nothing. I just don't
think you need it.

695
00:52:27,728 --> 00:52:31,198
- You don't think it looks nice on me?
- No, it looks wonderful.

696
00:52:48,582 --> 00:52:49,583
Hello.

697
00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:51,969
RUPERT: You must be Jonno.
- Uh, yes.

698
00:52:52,127 --> 00:52:54,425
My name is Rupert Pupkin
and this is Rita Keane.

699
00:52:54,588 --> 00:52:57,967
- Would you let Jerry know we're here?
- Mr. Langford asked you to come?

700
00:52:58,133 --> 00:53:00,602
No, we just thought we'd drop
in uninvited for the weekend.

701
00:53:00,761 --> 00:53:02,434
(RUPERT & RITA CHUCKLE)

702
00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:06,442
Come on in. We'll be staying in
separate rooms. The blue bag is mine.

703
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:10,571
- But Mr. Langford's not here.
- Where is he? Out playing golf?

704
00:53:10,729 --> 00:53:12,151
- Yes.
- Yes, of course.

705
00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:15,659
- I hope he's finally gonna break 100.
- A hundred?

706
00:53:15,818 --> 00:53:19,072
- Perhaps better you come back.
- No, we'll just wait.

707
00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:23,493
- But Mr. Langford is not here.
- That's okay. We'll just wait.

708
00:53:23,659 --> 00:53:25,912
That's okay. We don't mind waiting.

709
00:53:26,078 --> 00:53:28,126
Isn't this lovely?

710
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:34,086
Table's only set for one.

711
00:53:40,259 --> 00:53:42,808
- How do you like it?
- I could live here.

712
00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:45,814
Mr. Langford, I'm sorry
to disturb you, sir.

713
00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:49,648
Uh, what's wrong? Everything's wrong.
There are a couple over here.

714
00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:55,158
His name is Pumpkin. Pumpkin, yes.
Do you know a name Pumpkin?

715
00:53:58,444 --> 00:54:00,822
Didn't you tell him what
time we'd get here?

716
00:54:00,988 --> 00:54:04,162
We didn't have time to iron out
the details. We're the first guests.

717
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:06,668
But that butler wasn't
even expecting us.

718
00:54:06,827 --> 00:54:10,832
Jerry does have more important things to
think about than what to tell his houseboy.

719
00:54:10,998 --> 00:54:13,501
Really? Well, excuse me.

720
00:54:19,173 --> 00:54:22,222
He knows everything. He knew you
were playing golf and everything.

721
00:54:22,384 --> 00:54:26,730
Uh, I don't know what he want. He wanna
spend the weekend over here. Yes.

722
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:31,440
And you better come back. He's touching
everything. He's ruining the house.

723
00:54:31,602 --> 00:54:33,525
And I'm getting a
heart attack already.

724
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:38,363
Here's a famous one with the youngest clown
in the world, Zippo. Clown for a day.

725
00:54:38,525 --> 00:54:41,699
Remember this one with
Ray Charles on Jerry's special?

726
00:54:41,862 --> 00:54:43,864
- That's famous.
- I know. There it is.

727
00:54:44,031 --> 00:54:46,830
Here's a famous one when he
was a kid, 12 years old.

728
00:54:46,992 --> 00:54:51,372
Someone sent this in as a part of the
show, "I Knew You When" section.

729
00:54:51,538 --> 00:54:56,214
They thought they were playing a joke. Now
Jerry shows it to everyone on the show.

730
00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:02,053
<i>RAY CHARLES (SINGING ON STEREO):
If I should take a notion...</i>

731
00:55:02,216 --> 00:55:05,220
RITA: Let's get a little life into
this place. It's like a funeral parlor.

732
00:55:05,385 --> 00:55:07,558
<i>Jump off into the ocean</i>

733
00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:11,726
You should really turn that off. You
shouldn't put that on. It's not polite.

734
00:55:11,892 --> 00:55:15,396
- How about a little spin, handsome?
- We shouldn't be dancing.

735
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:18,907
- A little fun never hurt anybody.
- What if Jerry walks in?

736
00:55:19,066 --> 00:55:21,990
He'll be happy to see
us having a good time.

737
00:55:22,152 --> 00:55:26,077
- What if he walks in?
- So? You're his friend. He won't mind.

738
00:55:26,532 --> 00:55:30,753
<i>Ain't nobody's business if I do</i>

739
00:55:32,913 --> 00:55:34,256
<i>Oh, one day...</i>

740
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:37,354
I wonder what the rest
of this place is like.

741
00:55:37,380 --> 00:55:39,616
Well, I'm sure it's very nice.

742
00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,798
No, Rita, I wouldn't go up there.

743
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:44,592
- Rita? Rita?
RITA: Come on.

744
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,806
I don't think it's a good idea.

745
00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:52,309
Rita, they're watching us. Rita, I don't
think you have the right to go upstairs.

746
00:55:52,474 --> 00:55:54,272
Rita, please don't go up there.

747
00:55:54,434 --> 00:55:56,357
(DOORBELL RINGS)

748
00:55:58,814 --> 00:56:00,816
(LOCK CLICKING)

749
00:56:03,652 --> 00:56:07,657
Would you open the goddamn door?
I was standing out there eight minutes.

750
00:56:07,823 --> 00:56:11,168
What was with the door? Jesus!
Where are they?

751
00:56:11,326 --> 00:56:13,795
JONNO: I was gonna call the police,
but I wait for you.

752
00:56:13,954 --> 00:56:19,757
Hi, Jerry. Hi, Jerry. How are you?
We were just freshening up upstairs.

753
00:56:19,918 --> 00:56:24,845
Rita, I want you to meet the Jerry Langford.
Jerry, I want you to meet the Rita Keane.

754
00:56:25,007 --> 00:56:28,762
Come on down. Don't be ashamed.
Attagirl. Come on down.

755
00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:31,972
What's your pleasure, Jerry?

756
00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:35,960
It's hot out there.

757
00:56:35,986 --> 00:56:40,598
I wanna get something nice to drink.
Jerry, what would you like? Jer?

758
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:44,284
Jer?

759
00:56:45,569 --> 00:56:50,166
Excuse us, but it's not every day that
a girl like Rita meets a man like you.

760
00:56:50,324 --> 00:56:53,578
I mean, this is part of your success.
You have to live with it.

761
00:56:53,744 --> 00:56:56,998
How was your golf game? Was it good?
Did you finally break 100?

762
00:56:57,164 --> 00:57:00,338
JONNO: I told them you were not here.
COOK: That's right, he did.

763
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:02,878
Yes, they did. They were
really very helpful.

764
00:57:03,045 --> 00:57:06,970
We took an earlier train. There wasn't
anything else until after 1, so...

765
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:12,184
Anyway, I brought the work. It's right
here. All ready. All ready and set to go.

766
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:13,976
So...

767
00:57:15,432 --> 00:57:17,230
where is everybody?

768
00:57:17,976 --> 00:57:22,197
- What everybody?
- Heh, what everybody? The guests, Jer.

769
00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:25,109
To tell you the truth,
we're getting a little hungry.

770
00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:27,527
You know I could have the
both of you arrested?

771
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,037
(LAUGHS)

772
00:57:29,196 --> 00:57:32,120
He could have us arrested. Of
course you could have us arrested.

773
00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:34,501
There's no way we can
prove that we belong here.

774
00:57:34,660 --> 00:57:38,005
He's great. When he comes up
with an idea, he's terrific.

775
00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:41,417
- Really, I never thought of that.
- You should have.

776
00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:43,868
We can set up a story
where you invite all your

777
00:57:43,894 --> 00:57:45,988
friends out and you
throw them all in jail!

778
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:47,506
(LAUGHING)

779
00:57:50,050 --> 00:57:52,553
That's terrific. That's terrific.

780
00:57:54,346 --> 00:57:58,567
What's the matter? Lighten up. Let's get
to work on that. After this, of course.

781
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:00,568
How did you get here?

782
00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:03,901
We walked in the door. What do you
mean? What's the matter with you?

783
00:58:04,064 --> 00:58:05,862
How did you get here?

784
00:58:06,024 --> 00:58:09,198
I think you're upset.
I'm gonna leave my material here.

785
00:58:09,361 --> 00:58:12,740
We'll talk later. You've got more
important things to worry about.

786
00:58:12,906 --> 00:58:15,551
We'll just stroll around,
wait till lunchtime.

787
00:58:15,577 --> 00:58:18,108
Did anyone ever tell
you you're a moron?

788
00:58:19,079 --> 00:58:21,628
You know, Jerry,
I wanna tell you something.

789
00:58:21,790 --> 00:58:24,794
Ordinarily I wouldn't allow anybody
to speak that way about Rita.

790
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:28,760
But since it's you, I know you're only
kidding. He's a real character.

791
00:58:29,464 --> 00:58:33,685
- Rupert, he's saying he wants us to go.
- No, he's not saying that.

792
00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:37,565
Jerry, tell her that. You're not saying
that. He's not saying that at all.

793
00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:40,897
- Call the station, Jonno.
- Where are you going? Rita?

794
00:58:41,059 --> 00:58:44,905
There'll be a cab here in five or 10
minutes. Wait at the gate and use it.

795
00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:47,441
Why? You going someplace, heh?

796
00:58:47,983 --> 00:58:49,451
JERRY: No, you are.

797
00:58:50,861 --> 00:58:56,288
Did I say something wrong, Jerry? Because if
I did, could we chalk it up to inexperience?

798
00:58:56,450 --> 00:58:58,123
Rita?

799
00:58:59,286 --> 00:59:02,460
I have my stuff right here.
We could do it in a half an hour.

800
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:05,341
Then you'd have the rest of
the afternoon to yourself.

801
00:59:05,584 --> 00:59:10,841
I want you out of here. I want you out
of here now. Is that plain enough?

802
00:59:11,006 --> 00:59:12,508
- I understand.
- Is that clear?

803
00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:16,349
Yeah, yeah. I understand.
Look, you're tired. That's okay.

804
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:20,266
I'm gonna leave the stuff here. Read
it and let me know what you think.

805
00:59:20,432 --> 00:59:23,732
Don't be so dopey. Use your ears.
The man is telling us to go.

806
00:59:23,894 --> 00:59:25,817
He is not telling us to go.
Will you stop?

807
00:59:25,979 --> 00:59:29,654
- Mr. Langford, I knew nothing about this.
- Tell her she's wrong, Jerry.

808
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:33,787
I don't even know him. I haven't seen him
in years. He told me you were friends.

809
00:59:33,945 --> 00:59:35,162
RUPERT: Rita!

810
00:59:35,322 --> 00:59:38,952
I feel terrible. I'm so humiliated.
If there's anything I can do...

811
00:59:39,117 --> 00:59:42,041
Don't listen. She works in a bar.
She wants to spoil everything.

812
00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:44,502
Come on, Rupert. Let's go.

813
00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:49,170
- Jerry...
- Okay, come on. Come on, come on.

814
00:59:49,336 --> 00:59:51,509
- Let's go.
- Sorry, Mr. Langford.

815
00:59:51,671 --> 00:59:55,801
- Here you are. Take your things and go!
- All right, I can take a hint, Jerry.

816
00:59:55,967 --> 00:59:59,847
I just want you to listen to my stuff for
15 minutes. Is that asking too much?

817
01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:02,266
Yes, it is. I have a life, okay?

818
01:00:02,432 --> 01:00:05,481
- I have a life too.
- That's not my responsibility.

819
01:00:05,644 --> 01:00:10,195
- It is when you tell me to call you.
- I told you to call to get rid of you!

820
01:00:10,357 --> 01:00:13,201
- To get rid of me? Okay, I can take a hint.
- That's right.

821
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:16,785
If I didn't tell you that, we'd still
be on the steps at my apartment!

822
01:00:16,947 --> 01:00:19,791
- All right, so I made a mistake.
- So did Hitler!

823
01:00:21,284 --> 01:00:23,707
All right. This is the way
it is when you're famous.

824
01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:26,544
- You understand?
- Now I see. That's how you guys are, huh?

825
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,550
- Not them. Me. Yeah!
- That's how you are.

826
01:00:29,709 --> 01:00:32,713
- When you reach the top.
- No, I was that way before.

827
01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:35,678
- Now I know how people like you are.
JERRY: Goodbye and good luck!

828
01:00:35,841 --> 01:00:37,388
RUPERT: Goodbye.

829
01:00:37,551 --> 01:00:41,727
And, Jerry. Jerry, I just wanna
say one more thing, Jerry.

830
01:00:41,888 --> 01:00:46,894
I'm glad what you did to me today. Because
now I know I can't rely on anybody.

831
01:00:47,060 --> 01:00:50,610
Not you, not anybody.
And I shouldn't rely on anybody.

832
01:00:50,772 --> 01:00:55,073
And you wanna know something else?
I'm gonna work 50 times harder...

833
01:00:55,235 --> 01:00:57,704
and I'm gonna be 50 times
more famous than you.

834
01:00:57,863 --> 01:01:00,537
Then you're gonna have idiots
like you plaguing your life!

835
01:01:00,699 --> 01:01:04,875
That's right. Yes. Come on, Rita. We're
wasting our time. Goodbye, Jerry.

836
01:01:07,038 --> 01:01:08,915
Jonno, lock that door.

837
01:01:09,875 --> 01:01:12,970
- You did good, Mr. Langford.
- Thank you.

838
01:01:23,054 --> 01:01:25,102
It looks real.

839
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:27,225
That's the whole point.

840
01:01:27,392 --> 01:01:30,066
(MAN WHISTLING)

841
01:01:32,606 --> 01:01:35,075
RUPERT: Is that him?
MASHA: No.

842
01:01:35,233 --> 01:01:38,453
RUPERT: You sure?
- Sure, I'm sure. It looks too much like him.

843
01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:42,583
- What do you mean?
- When it's him, it doesn't look like him.

844
01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,247
God, it feels like it's
taking him forever.

845
01:01:50,582 --> 01:01:52,630
How much longer?

846
01:01:56,504 --> 01:01:57,551
It's him.

847
01:02:01,134 --> 01:02:02,886
RUPERT: Yeah, that's him.

848
01:02:06,223 --> 01:02:09,272
- Don't go too fast.
MASHA: Okay, okay.

849
01:02:09,434 --> 01:02:11,812
RUPERT: Stay on this side
so you're not all over him.

850
01:02:11,978 --> 01:02:15,653
MASHA: I'm getting over as soon as I can.
- Get in the next lane.

851
01:02:15,815 --> 01:02:17,909
MASHA: Okay, okay, okay.

852
01:02:18,652 --> 01:02:22,953
RUPERT: Not yet. There are too many people.
- I know. I'll keep going.

853
01:02:23,990 --> 01:02:27,210
He walks in the most crowded areas.
You'd think he'd wanna stay away.

854
01:02:27,369 --> 01:02:29,792
Well, because he doesn't
wanna be alone.

855
01:02:29,955 --> 01:02:34,085
Why? Tell me why.
I know. You tell me why.

856
01:02:36,795 --> 01:02:38,843
Don't get an attitude with me.

857
01:02:39,005 --> 01:02:42,054
Explain it to me, because
you know so much about him.

858
01:02:42,217 --> 01:02:44,515
Fill me in. Let me learn from you.

859
01:02:44,678 --> 01:02:49,354
All right. Because when he walks on crowded
streets, he feels safe, that's why.

860
01:02:49,516 --> 01:02:52,645
Is that what it is?
Thanks for telling me.

861
01:03:02,153 --> 01:03:03,530
Okay, go past him and stop.

862
01:03:07,701 --> 01:03:11,501
Okay, Jerry. Get over. Get in
there. I'm not fooling around.

863
01:03:11,663 --> 01:03:15,884
- What are you doing? Are you crazy?
- Get in, Jerry. Get in.

864
01:03:16,960 --> 01:03:18,382
Hi, Jerry.

865
01:03:19,212 --> 01:03:20,805
(TIRES SCREECH)

866
01:03:23,133 --> 01:03:25,602
RUPERT: Take that. She's gonna
hold a gun on your head.

867
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:28,855
Don't make any false moves.
I'd hate to do anything drastic.

868
01:03:29,014 --> 01:03:34,145
Now, if everything works out, you should be
out of here by the very latest 12-, 12:30.

869
01:03:35,103 --> 01:03:38,573
Well, maybe 1-, 1:15
at the very latest.

870
01:03:38,732 --> 01:03:42,032
What I want you to do
is call your producer.

871
01:03:42,193 --> 01:03:44,912
- Call what?
- Bert Thomas. I want you to call him.

872
01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:47,870
I'm gonna give you
a phone right now.

873
01:03:48,033 --> 01:03:52,163
Get him on the phone, and I'll tell
you exactly what to say, okay?

874
01:03:55,123 --> 01:03:58,423
Now, if you don't do it,
I don't know what to say.

875
01:03:58,585 --> 01:04:01,088
There could be a problem.

876
01:04:02,047 --> 01:04:07,645
Watch your eyes, Jerry. I'm gonna take these
off now. It's a little bright in here, okay?

877
01:04:23,234 --> 01:04:24,531
Okay.

878
01:04:29,449 --> 01:04:31,122
Are these yours?

879
01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:34,712
- Jerry, these are yours?
- Yeah.

880
01:04:35,789 --> 01:04:38,918
- Do you mind if I have one?
- I don't mind.

881
01:04:39,084 --> 01:04:40,131
Thank you.

882
01:04:40,293 --> 01:04:43,046
- Masha, do you want one?
- Save it for me.

883
01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:45,762
RUPERT: You want one?
- I'd love one, but will you save it?

884
01:04:45,924 --> 01:04:49,428
It's a little bit inconvenient at
the moment. Thank you, Rupert.

885
01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:52,313
- Do you want one?
- No.

886
01:04:52,472 --> 01:04:54,975
I'll just take one for later then.

887
01:04:58,311 --> 01:05:01,781
There's no reason to get mad.
I'm just trying to ease the tension.

888
01:05:01,940 --> 01:05:03,988
Even though this is a
strange situation...

889
01:05:04,150 --> 01:05:08,075
there are moments of friendship
and moments of sharing or whatever.

890
01:05:08,238 --> 01:05:10,286
Okay, let's go.

891
01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:15,920
Jerry, I mean business.

892
01:05:16,162 --> 01:05:20,008
Get on the phone.
Let's go. The fun is over.

893
01:05:23,753 --> 01:05:24,879
Let's go. Come on.

894
01:05:25,046 --> 01:05:26,343
(JERRY SIGHS)

895
01:05:27,340 --> 01:05:29,388
(DIALING)

896
01:05:41,020 --> 01:05:44,615
Bert Thomas, please.
Jerry Langford.

897
01:05:48,236 --> 01:05:50,830
- What happened?
- They hung up.

898
01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:57,374
Call them again.
Why did they hang up?

899
01:05:58,037 --> 01:06:00,586
Probably thought it was a gag.
We get that all the time.

900
01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:03,217
Well, I find that
strange, you know.

901
01:06:03,376 --> 01:06:08,348
But it's typical. Because that's
the way they treat even you.

902
01:06:08,506 --> 01:06:10,850
Because I'll let you
in on a little secret.

903
01:06:11,009 --> 01:06:13,933
That's the way they treated me.

904
01:06:14,095 --> 01:06:16,143
And now look where we are.

905
01:06:19,142 --> 01:06:20,564
Bert Thomas.

906
01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:24,231
Audrey, this is Jerry Langford. Get
Bert Thomas on the phone, and quickly.

907
01:06:24,397 --> 01:06:27,401
Martino, I know it's you.
I'm too busy for games today.

908
01:06:27,567 --> 01:06:30,821
Did you hear what I said? This is Jerry
Langford. Now, get Bert Thomas.

909
01:06:30,987 --> 01:06:34,787
I'm not kidding. It's not a gag.
It's serious. Now, move it!

910
01:06:36,659 --> 01:06:39,663
- Why don't we have somebody else?
- Like what?

911
01:06:39,829 --> 01:06:42,173
It's Mr. Langford.
He says it's urgent.

912
01:06:42,332 --> 01:06:45,085
Tell him I'll call him back.
I'm busy.

913
01:06:45,251 --> 01:06:48,596
- It's that Martino kid, the impressionist.
- He's a pain in the neck.

914
01:06:48,755 --> 01:06:51,884
Will you do what I tell you?
And do it quick.

915
01:06:52,050 --> 01:06:56,271
I'm sorry, Mr. Thomas, he insists on
talking to you. I cannot get rid of him.

916
01:06:56,429 --> 01:06:58,431
Okay, I'll take it.

917
01:07:01,601 --> 01:07:03,069
Martino, you know better...

918
01:07:03,228 --> 01:07:08,280
Bert, I said this is Jerry. Jerry
Langford. And I'm in deep trouble.

919
01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:12,947
- Now you'd best pay attention.
- Yeah, I am listening, uh...

920
01:07:15,823 --> 01:07:17,621
Would you give me that again?

921
01:07:21,579 --> 01:07:25,083
Now, wait a minute. Uh,
I wanna ask you something.

922
01:07:26,459 --> 01:07:28,757
What do we call our
second cameraman?

923
01:07:29,337 --> 01:07:33,513
We call our second
cameraman Helen Keller.

924
01:07:34,884 --> 01:07:36,807
His favorite color is plaid.

925
01:07:37,595 --> 01:07:39,643
Helen Keller? Plaid? What is that?

926
01:07:39,806 --> 01:07:42,309
When someone does
an impression of me on the phone...

927
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:46,150
the only way they're gonna know
it's really me is by that clue.

928
01:07:46,312 --> 01:07:49,782
If I didn't know what we called him,
then he would know it's not me.

929
01:07:49,941 --> 01:07:51,318
Say no more. I understand.

930
01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:55,163
Now, listen, Bert.
Listen carefully.

931
01:07:56,948 --> 01:07:58,325
"I have a gun...

932
01:08:01,494 --> 01:08:03,337
at my head.

933
01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:08,843
If a man who identifies
himself as...

934
01:08:13,298 --> 01:08:15,676
the King..."

935
01:08:20,179 --> 01:08:21,681
Card's upside down.

936
01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:24,688
Sorry.

937
01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:30,490
"...Is not allowed to be
the first guest on..."

938
01:08:36,279 --> 01:08:38,031
You got a blank card there.

939
01:08:38,531 --> 01:08:42,536
Hold on, Bert.
I'm reading from cue cards.

940
01:08:47,498 --> 01:08:49,796
"...tonight's show...

941
01:08:52,045 --> 01:08:55,299
you will never see me..."

942
01:08:58,051 --> 01:08:59,553
Go back.

943
01:09:00,094 --> 01:09:03,018
"...alive again."

944
01:09:05,433 --> 01:09:09,404
It's not grammatically correct,
but I think you have the idea.

945
01:09:09,562 --> 01:09:13,908
It's clear, but let me break in for a minute.
Let me talk to you. Don't do anything silly.

946
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:16,741
Okay. I'm okay.

947
01:09:16,903 --> 01:09:19,577
I'm okay, Bert. Just get it done.

948
01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:26,375
He wants you to call at 5:00.
I have the private number.

949
01:09:26,537 --> 01:09:30,508
- They'll do whatever you want.
- Okay, that was very good, Jerry.

950
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:33,128
MASHA: Turn around,
let's see how it looks.

951
01:09:33,294 --> 01:09:37,925
Oh, I love it. I'm sorry.
The sleeves aren't quite right.

952
01:09:38,091 --> 01:09:41,015
Do you like it on him?
What do you think?

953
01:09:41,928 --> 01:09:43,930
I think it looks pretty good.

954
01:09:44,097 --> 01:09:48,102
To guess on it and have it turn out
like this, I'm very pleased with it.

955
01:09:48,267 --> 01:09:51,646
The color's great, and I like to see
him more casual for a change.

956
01:09:51,813 --> 01:09:56,614
This is a look I like to see on him.
Not so uptight, not so...

957
01:09:56,776 --> 01:09:59,450
- Okay. I gotta get started here.
- What do you think?

958
01:09:59,612 --> 01:10:02,161
- It's wonderful. It's very good.
- Be honest with me.

959
01:10:02,323 --> 01:10:05,122
- I'm being honest.
- Would you wear it?

960
01:10:05,284 --> 01:10:10,290
I like it. I'm so glad I went with red.
It looks so good on him.

961
01:10:10,456 --> 01:10:13,175
- It looks good, Jerry.
- Gorgeous. Mm.

962
01:10:13,334 --> 01:10:14,631
RUPERT: Come on.
MASHA: What?

963
01:10:14,794 --> 01:10:17,422
RUPERT: Take it off and let's go.
MASHA: Oh, okay.

964
01:10:19,090 --> 01:10:23,095
You want me to take it off? Why can't
he wear it for a little while?

965
01:10:23,261 --> 01:10:25,309
Will you take it off, please?

966
01:10:25,471 --> 01:10:30,102
I know he's in a meeting, but this is
an emergency and I gotta talk to him.

967
01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:34,648
You'll interrupt him, or I'm gonna
come busting into that meeting.

968
01:10:35,273 --> 01:10:38,152
No. Forget calling me back.
I'm on my way.

969
01:10:39,068 --> 01:10:43,164
Why didn't you listen to the tape when I
asked you to? It wasn't that hard, was it?

970
01:10:43,322 --> 01:10:47,327
A few minutes of your time to listen to
something that I worked on my whole life.

971
01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:52,499
If that's what's behind all this, let's go to
my office and we'll play the tape right now.

972
01:10:52,665 --> 01:10:56,044
Are you crazy? You know what would
happen to me if I went there now?

973
01:10:56,210 --> 01:10:59,305
- I'm not stupid.
- Nobody's calling you stupid.

974
01:10:59,464 --> 01:11:01,512
You pulled this off.
That makes you smart.

975
01:11:01,674 --> 01:11:04,848
You know, Jerry,
I'm gonna tell you something.

976
01:11:05,011 --> 01:11:06,979
Friendship is a two-way street.

977
01:11:08,181 --> 01:11:12,186
You know that? And you couldn't
have cared less about me.

978
01:11:12,351 --> 01:11:16,197
Am I gonna hold this till next Shavuoth?
You gonna make some decisions here?

979
01:11:16,355 --> 01:11:19,655
You gonna knock off
the talking for two minutes?

980
01:11:19,817 --> 01:11:22,070
When you put the sweater on,
was I bothering you, huh?

981
01:11:22,236 --> 01:11:24,455
It took one minute.
You have a long night ahead.

982
01:11:24,614 --> 01:11:27,584
RUPERT: I have something to say.
- You've got more than enough to say.

983
01:11:27,742 --> 01:11:32,999
You're driving me nuts. Can you be quiet
for one goddamn minute and let me rest?

984
01:11:33,164 --> 01:11:36,384
With this gun?
You're driving me crazy!

985
01:11:36,542 --> 01:11:39,216
You have not shut up since
we walked into my house.

986
01:11:39,378 --> 01:11:41,551
This is my house.
This is my domain.

987
01:11:41,714 --> 01:11:45,344
Jerry is my guest and you're my guest,
and you're lucky to be here!

988
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:49,356
You get to change in my house, you get
your head together for the show tonight.

989
01:11:49,514 --> 01:11:53,064
Why don't you give me a little break?
Why can't you give me a break? Shut up!

990
01:11:53,226 --> 01:11:57,231
RUPERT: You shut up. I did give you a break.
I listened to you talk about that sweater.

991
01:11:57,396 --> 01:12:01,071
Worrying about the sleeves,
the color. Did I say anything?

992
01:12:01,234 --> 01:12:04,238
I didn't make it for you. I made it
for Jerry. It looks fabulous.

993
01:12:04,403 --> 01:12:08,624
Whose idea was this anyway? If it wasn't
for me, you wouldn't even be here.

994
01:12:09,534 --> 01:12:13,584
Why didn't you listen to the tape when
I asked you to? Was that so hard to do?

995
01:12:14,247 --> 01:12:19,253
I'm sure you can understand, doing the kind
of show I'm doing, it's mind-boggling.

996
01:12:19,418 --> 01:12:22,922
There's so much stuff that comes down,
you can't keep your head clear.

997
01:12:23,589 --> 01:12:25,933
And if that's the case, I'm wrong.

998
01:12:26,092 --> 01:12:28,936
You're right, I'm wrong.
If I'm wrong, I apologize.

999
01:12:29,554 --> 01:12:34,435
I'm just a human being, with all of
the foibles and all of the traps.

1000
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:38,571
The show, the pressure, the groupies,
the autograph hounds, the crew.

1001
01:12:38,729 --> 01:12:41,949
The incompetents behind the scenes
you think are your friends...

1002
01:12:42,108 --> 01:12:45,453
and you're not sure if you're gonna
be there tomorrow because of them.

1003
01:12:45,611 --> 01:12:50,583
Wonderful pressures that make every day
a glowing, radiant day in your life.

1004
01:12:50,741 --> 01:12:55,121
It's terrific. Okay. If all
of that means nothing...

1005
01:12:55,288 --> 01:12:57,916
if I'm wrong,
in spite of all that...

1006
01:12:58,082 --> 01:13:00,301
then I apologize, I'm sorry.

1007
01:13:01,752 --> 01:13:06,303
If you accept my apology, I think we should
shake hands and we'll forget the whole thing.

1008
01:13:06,465 --> 01:13:12,723
I won't press charges. You two could be in
deep trouble, but I will not press charges.

1009
01:13:14,390 --> 01:13:17,940
- Ahh, that's easy for you to say, Jerry.
JERRY: But I mean it.

1010
01:13:18,603 --> 01:13:21,857
I mean, I'll go to the office
and tell them all it's a gag.

1011
01:13:22,023 --> 01:13:25,402
They'll understand that. If I tell
them it's a gag, they're gonna buy it.

1012
01:13:25,568 --> 01:13:28,082
And then we'll put the
tape on and listen...

1013
01:13:28,108 --> 01:13:29,894
Sit down! I said, sit down.

1014
01:13:30,031 --> 01:13:31,624
You heard what he said.

1015
01:13:31,782 --> 01:13:35,286
Yeah, right. All of a sudden with a
gun on him, he wants to be friends?

1016
01:13:35,453 --> 01:13:39,208
- What happens when he walks out the door?
- What happens then, Jerry?

1017
01:13:39,373 --> 01:13:43,094
- You get to his office, and they jump you.
- Is that what happens, Jerry?

1018
01:13:43,669 --> 01:13:47,344
Not if I tell them not to. They won't
jump you. No one's gonna jump you.

1019
01:13:47,506 --> 01:13:52,182
If I tell them to do something,
they do it. No one's gonna jump you.

1020
01:13:52,345 --> 01:13:55,519
Now, that's the truth. You
have to take my word for it.

1021
01:13:55,681 --> 01:14:00,027
If you think I'm not telling you
the truth, then don't respond.

1022
01:14:00,186 --> 01:14:03,907
If you think I'm telling you the truth,
then let me get the hell out of here.

1023
01:14:04,065 --> 01:14:06,534
- He gives me his word.
- And what else?

1024
01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:08,194
And what else, Jerry?

1025
01:14:09,862 --> 01:14:13,116
There is nothing else.
Just my word.

1026
01:14:14,241 --> 01:14:16,243
Isn't my word good enough?

1027
01:14:19,830 --> 01:14:21,707
I'm sorry, Jerry.

1028
01:14:35,388 --> 01:14:42,146
Suppose we tape him, he doesn't
talk, it gets to be 11:30.

1029
01:14:42,311 --> 01:14:44,689
Do we put him on, no matter what?

1030
01:14:44,855 --> 01:14:48,951
You can go ahead and tape him. It, uh, won't
hurt anything. You always can erase it.

1031
01:14:49,110 --> 01:14:52,740
We may learn something from it
and, uh, it'll also buy us time.

1032
01:14:52,905 --> 01:14:55,579
Under no circumstances will
we put this man on the air.

1033
01:14:55,741 --> 01:15:00,372
This lunatic is threatening Jerry's life
and you're not gonna put him on the air?

1034
01:15:00,538 --> 01:15:05,795
Let's not get too excited. I don't
think you understand. We'll tape at 7.

1035
01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:09,931
We won't have to make a decision about
putting him on the air till 11:30.

1036
01:15:10,089 --> 01:15:15,596
This gives us four hours. Hopefully, by that
time, we'll have Mr. Langford back safely.

1037
01:15:15,761 --> 01:15:20,267
Harry, that's it. We're suing. We're going
to sue. We're gonna sue everybody.

1038
01:15:20,433 --> 01:15:22,777
- Who is this man?
- Jerry's lawyer.

1039
01:15:22,935 --> 01:15:26,565
What do you mean, who am I?
I'm the one who's suing. I'm the lawyer.

1040
01:15:26,731 --> 01:15:29,154
- Jay...
JAY: Don't "Jay" me, please. Do me a favor.

1041
01:15:29,316 --> 01:15:31,614
Jay, who are you going to sue?

1042
01:15:31,777 --> 01:15:33,779
You. We're suing you, personally!

1043
01:15:33,946 --> 01:15:35,789
HARRY: Who else are you suing?
- The FBI.

1044
01:15:35,948 --> 01:15:39,248
We have a serious situation and I
want it dealt with rationally.

1045
01:15:39,410 --> 01:15:42,914
Unless we start talking politely,
there's gonna be serious consequences.

1046
01:15:43,080 --> 01:15:45,777
JAY: There is nothing
polite about kidnapping.

1047
01:15:45,803 --> 01:15:48,327
It is one of the most
stupid offenses ever.

1048
01:15:48,461 --> 01:15:52,307
Where's the defense of kidnapping?
How can you say "I was crazy"?

1049
01:15:52,465 --> 01:15:55,639
"I didn't know what I was doing.
I did it on the spur of the moment"?

1050
01:15:55,801 --> 01:15:56,848
Jay, who cares?

1051
01:15:57,011 --> 01:16:01,642
JAY: Only an idiot kidnaps. And only an idiot
decides to do what you guys are doing.

1052
01:16:11,275 --> 01:16:13,778
Jerry, I'm gonna go now.

1053
01:16:14,570 --> 01:16:19,747
Pretty soon you'll be able to go. About
12-, 12:30, as I said. Have a good time.

1054
01:16:19,992 --> 01:16:22,290
I know you will, heh.

1055
01:16:22,453 --> 01:16:23,875
Bye.

1056
01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:31,880
First of all, we don't know whether we're
dealing with kidnappers or terrorists.

1057
01:16:32,046 --> 01:16:34,845
Terrorists? Terrorists?
What do you mean, terrorists?

1058
01:16:35,007 --> 01:16:38,477
You might have this man go on the
air, deliver a coded message...

1059
01:16:38,636 --> 01:16:41,856
and possibly 50 people around the
country would lose their lives.

1060
01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:45,109
- You're out of your mind!
- I'm not out of my mind.

1061
01:16:45,267 --> 01:16:48,396
That guy is gonna be taped,
and we'll listen to what he says.

1062
01:16:48,562 --> 01:16:52,863
Unless something horrendous is on that tape,
we're gonna put that tape on the air.

1063
01:16:53,025 --> 01:16:58,532
All we're dealing with here is 10 minutes
of talk-show time against a man's life...

1064
01:16:58,697 --> 01:17:00,870
and I don't see that
as any argument.

1065
01:17:02,034 --> 01:17:05,413
Hello. How are you today?
Well, I'm calling...

1066
01:17:05,579 --> 01:17:09,004
Mr. King calling collect
long distance for Mr. Thomas.

1067
01:17:09,166 --> 01:17:12,215
Mr. Thomas, there's a
long-distance call.

1068
01:17:12,378 --> 01:17:13,880
THOMAS: Let's go.

1069
01:17:14,046 --> 01:17:16,970
MAN: If this is it, remember,
keep him talking.

1070
01:17:17,133 --> 01:17:19,511
Uh, hi, there. Who is this?

1071
01:17:19,677 --> 01:17:22,305
<i>RUPERT (OVER PHONE): This is Mr. King.
I'm calling for Mr. King.</i>

1072
01:17:22,471 --> 01:17:24,519
Uh-huh. Well, you're right on time.

1073
01:17:24,682 --> 01:17:28,357
Yes, of course. We're always
punctual. We're fine, thank you.

1074
01:17:28,519 --> 01:17:30,897
I wanna make it brief,
and I wanna tell you...

1075
01:17:31,063 --> 01:17:34,818
Could I break in and ask you,
could I speak to Jerry?

1076
01:17:34,984 --> 01:17:38,409
No, Jerry's not with us. We're at a
payphone. Don't have the call traced.

1077
01:17:38,571 --> 01:17:41,745
I noticed you just did. I heard
the sounds. I do know those sounds.

1078
01:17:41,907 --> 01:17:47,380
It's kind of important, so that we know that
he's in... What'll I say?... your care?

1079
01:17:47,538 --> 01:17:53,261
We've taken care of that by bringing along an
article of clothing that you will recognize.

1080
01:17:53,419 --> 01:17:57,845
It is not as easy as you think just to walk
in the studio, go right on the show...

1081
01:17:58,007 --> 01:18:00,385
No, Bert...
If I could call you, uh...

1082
01:18:00,551 --> 01:18:05,352
Well, if I could just say, there is no
problem. The material is clean material.

1083
01:18:05,514 --> 01:18:09,439
- Do you know of Standards and Practices?
<i>RUPERT: No, but that can be discussed.</i>

1084
01:18:09,602 --> 01:18:12,606
All I can say is don't
have any press leaks.

1085
01:18:12,771 --> 01:18:19,120
You must keep the audience there until 11:45
or 12:00, after it has been aired nationally.

1086
01:18:19,278 --> 01:18:23,954
Thank you. We'll discuss the other things.
That's your problem. Nice talking to you.

1087
01:18:27,912 --> 01:18:31,917
Boy, he's shrewd. He just,
uh, wouldn't buy anything.

1088
01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:15,759
(SIGHS)

1089
01:19:28,847 --> 01:19:32,192
I feel completely
impulsive tonight.

1090
01:19:32,351 --> 01:19:34,945
Anything... Anything could happen.

1091
01:19:35,104 --> 01:19:38,699
I have so much to tell you.
I don't know where to start.

1092
01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:43,237
I wanna tell you everything about
myself, everything you don't know.

1093
01:19:45,781 --> 01:19:49,957
Do you like these glasses? Crystal.
Beautiful. I bought them just for you.

1094
01:19:50,119 --> 01:19:53,840
There's something about them.
Just the simplicity of them.

1095
01:19:53,998 --> 01:19:58,174
But if you don't like them, if there's even
an inkling, even a doubt in your mind...

1096
01:19:58,335 --> 01:20:00,337
(GLASS SHATTERS)

1097
01:20:04,216 --> 01:20:07,891
Sometimes during the clay I'll
just be doing the simplest things.

1098
01:20:08,053 --> 01:20:10,556
I'll be taking a bath
and I'll say to myself:

1099
01:20:10,723 --> 01:20:13,897
"Heh, I wonder if Jerry's
taking a bath right now."

1100
01:20:14,727 --> 01:20:17,776
And I just hope, you know, you're
not drowning or something, heh.

1101
01:20:17,938 --> 01:20:22,239
I just get really worried about you,
like something terrible's gonna happen.

1102
01:20:22,693 --> 01:20:26,414
And I have these daydreams that I'm
out with you at the golf course...

1103
01:20:26,572 --> 01:20:29,701
driving your cart,
just driving around.

1104
01:20:30,743 --> 01:20:34,088
"You need a putter, Jer?" You know?
Heh-heh-heh.

1105
01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:36,089
"Need an iron?"

1106
01:20:36,707 --> 01:20:38,630
I don't even know how to play golf.

1107
01:20:38,656 --> 01:20:41,112
I played with my parents
once, my dad, but...

1108
01:20:41,962 --> 01:20:43,680
I love you.

1109
01:20:48,010 --> 01:20:50,889
I've never told my parents
that I love them.

1110
01:20:51,764 --> 01:20:55,439
They never told me they loved me
either, which was fine with me.

1111
01:20:55,601 --> 01:20:57,603
But I love you.

1112
01:20:59,188 --> 01:21:02,317
Want some wine? No? Okay.

1113
01:21:02,483 --> 01:21:05,111
I'm not in the mood to
drink either though.

1114
01:21:05,652 --> 01:21:07,780
But I'm sure in the mood
to be alone with you.

1115
01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:13,456
Why don't we just
clear off the table?

1116
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:19,926
I was thinking why don't we go
upstairs, but that's so predictable.

1117
01:21:20,084 --> 01:21:22,963
Let's just take everything off
the table and do it right here.

1118
01:21:24,004 --> 01:21:28,305
That would blow your mind. It would blow my
mind. I've never done anything like that.

1119
01:21:28,467 --> 01:21:31,562
I've never even had anybody over for
dinner, let alone made love on the table.

1120
01:21:31,720 --> 01:21:33,063
(CHUCKLES)

1121
01:21:33,222 --> 01:21:38,444
But I just wanna do that. I just wanna dance.
I just wanna, like, put on some Shirelles.

1122
01:21:38,602 --> 01:21:40,650
I wanna be black.

1123
01:21:41,021 --> 01:21:42,273
(CHUCKLES)

1124
01:21:42,439 --> 01:21:44,862
Wouldn't that be insane?

1125
01:21:45,025 --> 01:21:47,653
God. You know who I
wish I was tonight?

1126
01:21:47,820 --> 01:21:51,290
I wish I was Tina Turner,
just dancing through the room.

1127
01:21:51,824 --> 01:21:53,622
(LAUGHING)

1128
01:21:54,993 --> 01:21:56,995
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

1129
01:21:57,663 --> 01:21:59,631
USHER: Thank you. Please
have your tickets ready.

1130
01:22:06,130 --> 01:22:09,475
Good evening. My name is
Clarence McCabe. I'm the writer.

1131
01:22:09,633 --> 01:22:12,182
- Are these people with you?
- Yes. This is my wife.

1132
01:22:12,344 --> 01:22:16,520
- These people here?
- Her parents, from Cleveland, Ohio.

1133
01:22:16,682 --> 01:22:19,606
- I'll check your name, sir.
- I'm gonna be on third.

1134
01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:21,816
I'll check your name, sir.

1135
01:22:23,355 --> 01:22:27,826
- I'm sorry, sir. I don't see your name, sir.
- You just went past the M's.

1136
01:22:27,985 --> 01:22:31,706
I'll go back again for you, sir.
There it is again, sir.

1137
01:22:31,864 --> 01:22:34,959
Let me just check.
This isn't possible.

1138
01:22:36,243 --> 01:22:39,042
- Did Miss Long call you?
- No, sir, she didn't.

1139
01:22:39,204 --> 01:22:42,208
She didn't tell you about my book
and that I was gonna be on?

1140
01:22:42,374 --> 01:22:45,844
- Not according to this list.
- She told me to be here at a quarter to 6.

1141
01:22:46,003 --> 01:22:49,132
It's now 10 to 6. I've
only got 10 minutes.

1142
01:22:49,298 --> 01:22:53,519
Only authorized personnel are allowed in.
That's the rules and regulations.

1143
01:22:53,677 --> 01:22:58,524
You never heard of the book?
<i>The Vanishing Siberian Tiger?</i>

1144
01:22:58,682 --> 01:23:01,686
- Can I call Miss Long?
- You cannot call Miss Long at all.

1145
01:23:01,852 --> 01:23:03,695
- Can you call Miss Long?
- No, sir.

1146
01:23:03,854 --> 01:23:08,735
Your name is not on the list, so I cannot let
you in. That's the rules and regulations.

1147
01:23:09,526 --> 01:23:11,745
- I'm gonna try to get her. Miss Long?
MAN: Stop him.

1148
01:23:11,904 --> 01:23:13,030
Miss Long?

1149
01:23:13,197 --> 01:23:16,246
McCABE: Hey, hey. What's going on?
Let go of me!

1150
01:23:22,915 --> 01:23:24,508
WOMAN: Clarence!

1151
01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:27,340
McCABE: Miss Long!
WOMAN: Clarence?

1152
01:23:40,390 --> 01:23:43,564
- What is this Clarence McCabe?
- That's who I am.

1153
01:23:43,727 --> 01:23:47,277
- Is that your real name?
- Well, technically, it's my real name.

1154
01:23:47,439 --> 01:23:51,785
- No, it's a pseudonym, actually. An alias.
- Why do you use a pseudonym?

1155
01:23:51,944 --> 01:23:54,618
- I'm an author. That's my business.
- Author of what?

1156
01:23:54,780 --> 01:23:57,954
I told you. I wrote a book called
<i>The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.</i>

1157
01:23:58,116 --> 01:24:01,586
I spent two years in Russia,
two years in China, researching it.

1158
01:24:01,745 --> 01:24:05,466
- Two years in Russia, two in China?
- Right. Does that make me a Communist now?

1159
01:24:06,667 --> 01:24:08,669
(PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

1160
01:24:13,966 --> 01:24:17,436
We have one more light to preset.
That'll be number 47.

1161
01:24:17,594 --> 01:24:20,473
- Hello, I'm the King.
- What?

1162
01:24:20,639 --> 01:24:24,485
- The King.
- What can I do for Your Highness?

1163
01:24:24,643 --> 01:24:26,361
Really, I'm the King.

1164
01:24:26,520 --> 01:24:31,242
Your dressing room's backstage. Your throne
is in there also. You'll recognize the door.

1165
01:24:31,400 --> 01:24:32,447
Very funny.

1166
01:24:32,609 --> 01:24:35,237
- There's a half-moon, stars.
- Ls there someone in charge?

1167
01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:40,160
Mr. Ding. He's a little fella with an
ice-cream cone nose, a couple of bells.

1168
01:24:40,325 --> 01:24:41,998
- Miss Long.
- Mr. Pipkin?

1169
01:24:42,160 --> 01:24:45,915
No, it's Mr. Pupkin, Miss Long.
Mr. Pupkin. How are you?

1170
01:24:46,832 --> 01:24:49,836
What are you doing
here, Mr. Pupkin?

1171
01:24:50,002 --> 01:24:51,720
I'm the King.

1172
01:24:52,629 --> 01:24:54,802
I think you're expecting me.

1173
01:24:55,674 --> 01:24:58,097
- Yeah.
- Yes. Mr. Thomas around?

1174
01:25:08,312 --> 01:25:10,314
(SIGHS)

1175
01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:18,285
<i>(SINGING) You're gonna love me</i>

1176
01:25:19,072 --> 01:25:23,248
<i>Like nobody's loved me</i>

1177
01:25:23,410 --> 01:25:28,291
<i>Come rain or come shine</i>

1178
01:25:29,333 --> 01:25:33,383
<i>Happy together</i>

1179
01:25:33,545 --> 01:25:37,266
<i>Unhappy together</i>

1180
01:25:37,424 --> 01:25:43,727
<i>And won't it be fine?</i>

1181
01:25:45,140 --> 01:25:52,149
<i>Days may be cloudy or sunny</i>

1182
01:25:54,566 --> 01:26:01,575
<i>We're in and we're out of the money</i>

1183
01:26:03,075 --> 01:26:08,002
<i>I'm with you always</i>

1184
01:26:10,332 --> 01:26:13,757
<i>I'm with you</i>

1185
01:26:14,503 --> 01:26:17,256
<i>Rain</i>

1186
01:26:17,964 --> 01:26:24,973
<i>Or shine</i>

1187
01:26:29,393 --> 01:26:31,111
- Mr. King?
RUPERT: Yes.

1188
01:26:31,269 --> 01:26:32,862
I'm Inspector Gerrity from the FBI.

1189
01:26:33,021 --> 01:26:34,318
- Do you understand?
- Mm-hm.

1190
01:26:34,481 --> 01:26:35,562
GERRITY: What is your name?

1191
01:26:35,691 --> 01:26:38,285
- Rupert Pupkin.
- What is your real name?

1192
01:26:38,443 --> 01:26:40,491
That's my real name. Rupert Pupkin.

1193
01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:45,581
Well, Mr. Pupkin, are you gonna tell
us where Jerry Langford is or not?

1194
01:26:45,951 --> 01:26:48,204
- Are you from the show?
- No, I'm not in the show.

1195
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:53,126
This is my assistant, Agent Giardello, and
Captain Burke of the New York City Police.

1196
01:26:53,291 --> 01:26:55,134
I'd like to meet
someone from the show.

1197
01:26:55,293 --> 01:26:58,763
You don't get to see anyone with the
show until I get to see Langford.

1198
01:26:58,922 --> 01:27:00,970
I'd like to see someone
from the show first.

1199
01:27:01,133 --> 01:27:03,977
You won't see someone unless
you tell us where Langford is.

1200
01:27:04,136 --> 01:27:06,605
Well, then Jerry Langford is dead.

1201
01:27:08,223 --> 01:27:09,896
Get Thomas.

1202
01:27:12,436 --> 01:27:16,111
- I'm Bert Thomas. Are you Mr. King?
- Yes. How do you do?

1203
01:27:16,273 --> 01:27:19,903
- Uh, did we talk on the phone today?
- Yes, we spoke a few moments ago.

1204
01:27:20,068 --> 01:27:22,821
- And then Jerry spoke to you earlier.
- Uh...

1205
01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:28,665
- Where did you get this?
- That's Jerry's, as you can see.

1206
01:27:28,827 --> 01:27:32,047
- What's that?
- That's my blood, not Jerry's, heh.

1207
01:27:32,205 --> 01:27:34,674
I'll buy this. What have we here?

1208
01:27:34,833 --> 01:27:39,430
This is my introduction, and I'd like Mr.
Randall, if he could, speak it word for word.

1209
01:27:39,588 --> 01:27:43,092
Randall's introduction to your monologue?
Could I have a copy of your monologue?

1210
01:27:43,258 --> 01:27:44,305
Uh...

1211
01:27:44,468 --> 01:27:47,688
Actually, I have it memorized,
so I don't have a copy of it.

1212
01:27:47,846 --> 01:27:51,896
There are reasons I need a copy. We have to
make sure you don't say anything obscene...

1213
01:27:52,058 --> 01:27:54,937
or anything that could cause
a problem in the audience.

1214
01:27:55,103 --> 01:27:58,277
No, it's all right, really.
It's a wholesome monologue.

1215
01:27:58,440 --> 01:28:00,943
- You guarantee it?
- Nothing obscene. I guarantee it.

1216
01:28:01,109 --> 01:28:04,204
Make sure you got that
audience till after 11:30.

1217
01:28:04,362 --> 01:28:08,287
- The man's gonna get everything he asks for.
- Thank you. It's nice meeting you.

1218
01:28:08,867 --> 01:28:10,540
GERRITY: Sit down, Pupkin.

1219
01:28:11,244 --> 01:28:13,267
Mr. Pupkin, I gotta tell you this.

1220
01:28:13,293 --> 01:28:16,742
From this point on, you have
the right to remain silent.

1221
01:28:16,875 --> 01:28:18,377
- You understand?
RUPERT: Mm-hmm.

1222
01:28:18,543 --> 01:28:20,263
Because anything you say
from here on out...

1223
01:28:20,420 --> 01:28:24,345
might be used against you later on
in a court of law. You understand?

1224
01:28:24,508 --> 01:28:27,057
- Say you understand.
RUPERT: I understand that.

1225
01:28:27,219 --> 01:28:30,723
Did you participate
in the abduction of Jerry Langford?

1226
01:28:30,889 --> 01:28:33,233
Yes, I did. I abducted him.

1227
01:28:33,391 --> 01:28:36,235
You abducted him? Do you know
where Mr. Langford is now?

1228
01:28:36,394 --> 01:28:37,691
Yes, I do.

1229
01:28:37,854 --> 01:28:41,199
- Will you lead us to Mr. Langford?
- No, I won't.

1230
01:28:41,358 --> 01:28:46,865
At this time, Mr. Pupkin, I want to advise
you to consider yourself under arrest.

1231
01:28:47,030 --> 01:28:49,499
Fine. I think I should get made up.

1232
01:28:50,075 --> 01:28:53,420
You need some make-up.
Put some color on his face.

1233
01:28:53,578 --> 01:28:55,296
I'd like to put some
color on your face.

1234
01:28:55,455 --> 01:28:57,378
(LAUGHING)

1235
01:28:57,541 --> 01:28:59,009
Really, I should get made up.

1236
01:28:59,167 --> 01:29:02,762
MAN: "... sad news for you." Turn
the card. "I have some sad..."

1237
01:29:02,921 --> 01:29:05,470
- Tony, did you wanna see me?
- Have you seen this stuff?

1238
01:29:05,632 --> 01:29:07,600
I've gone over it.
I think it's fine.

1239
01:29:07,759 --> 01:29:12,230
This is fine? "My writing staff was executed
in Central Park by the network firing squad."

1240
01:29:12,389 --> 01:29:14,437
- I think it's good.
- You're laughing at that?

1241
01:29:14,599 --> 01:29:17,102
- Do me a favor, please.
- Why do I have to say this?

1242
01:29:17,269 --> 01:29:22,275
Exactly as it's written. It'll play
for us. It'll be good for you. Trust me.

1243
01:29:22,440 --> 01:29:26,115
- You're the director. Can you help me?
- Take the tissues out and let's go.

1244
01:29:26,278 --> 01:29:30,408
- A few more minutes. Let's go.
- Turn the cards fast. Are you listening?

1245
01:29:30,574 --> 01:29:31,917
- Turn the cards fast.
- Okay.

1246
01:29:32,075 --> 01:29:36,125
Let's do something crazy tonight.
Just get insane. I wanna be crazy!

1247
01:29:36,288 --> 01:29:39,132
I wanna be nuts!
I wanna have some fun! Goddamn it.

1248
01:29:39,291 --> 01:29:43,216
My doctor says, "Don't have any fun. No,
you're not allowed to have a good time.

1249
01:29:43,378 --> 01:29:45,801
You can't get crazy."
See, I have to be in control.

1250
01:29:45,964 --> 01:29:47,307
And I like being in control.

1251
01:29:47,465 --> 01:29:51,971
But for one night I'd like to see
myself out of my head! Wouldn't you?

1252
01:29:52,137 --> 01:29:54,731
Wouldn't that be great?
Wouldn't it be fabulous?

1253
01:29:56,308 --> 01:29:58,185
I'm having a good time.

1254
01:30:02,731 --> 01:30:05,325
I'm having fun.

1255
01:30:05,483 --> 01:30:08,612
Fun is my middle name.
I'm having fun.

1256
01:30:09,487 --> 01:30:14,243
That's right. Having some fun.
Never had this much fun before.

1257
01:30:14,409 --> 01:30:16,252
That's right.

1258
01:30:16,411 --> 01:30:21,838
Good, old-fashioned,
all-American fun.

1259
01:30:22,125 --> 01:30:23,126
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

1260
01:30:23,293 --> 01:30:27,673
HERLIHY: And now, direct from New York,
<i>it's The Jerry Langford Show...</i>

1261
01:30:27,839 --> 01:30:31,514
with guest host Tony Randall
and his special guests:

1262
01:30:31,676 --> 01:30:36,022
Shelley Winters, Gore
Vidal, Tony Bennett...

1263
01:30:36,181 --> 01:30:40,482
as always, Lou Brown and the orchestra
and little old me, Ed Herlihy.

1264
01:30:40,644 --> 01:30:43,443
For now, say hello to Tony!

1265
01:30:45,023 --> 01:30:47,025
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

1266
01:30:48,026 --> 01:30:50,028
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

1267
01:30:59,621 --> 01:31:01,043
(ORCHESTRA STOPS)

1268
01:31:01,206 --> 01:31:04,676
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. I have some sad news for you.

1269
01:31:04,834 --> 01:31:06,302
AUDIENCE: Aw!

1270
01:31:06,461 --> 01:31:11,638
Earlier today, my writing staff was executed
in Central Park by the network firing squad.

1271
01:31:11,800 --> 01:31:12,847
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1272
01:31:13,009 --> 01:31:16,855
So there will be no sensational
Randall monologue this evening.

1273
01:31:17,013 --> 01:31:19,015
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

1274
01:31:24,729 --> 01:31:27,403
No embarrassing display
of emotion, please.

1275
01:31:27,565 --> 01:31:31,695
Instead we're going to do something a little
bit different this evening. A lot different.

1276
01:31:31,861 --> 01:31:34,239
We're going to give you a glimpse...
Turn it over, please.

1277
01:31:34,406 --> 01:31:36,784
AUDIENCE: Ha-ha-ha.
...Into the future.

1278
01:31:36,950 --> 01:31:40,921
It isn't often you can call someone a
sure thing in the entertainment business.

1279
01:31:41,079 --> 01:31:44,253
After all, the verdict is always
in your hands, isn't it?

1280
01:31:44,416 --> 01:31:47,010
But I think tonight,
after you've met...

1281
01:31:47,168 --> 01:31:49,170
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1282
01:31:50,714 --> 01:31:52,762
my first guest...

1283
01:31:52,924 --> 01:31:58,181
you'll agree with me that he's destined
for greatness, in one way or another.

1284
01:31:58,346 --> 01:32:02,943
So will you please give your warmest
greetings to the newest King of Comedy...

1285
01:32:03,101 --> 01:32:05,103
Rupert Pupkin!

1286
01:32:05,270 --> 01:32:07,272
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

1287
01:32:07,439 --> 01:32:09,441
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

1288
01:32:18,074 --> 01:32:23,171
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me
introduce myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin.

1289
01:32:27,625 --> 01:32:30,128
I can't believe I'm gonna kiss you.

1290
01:32:32,130 --> 01:32:33,803
Masha.

1291
01:32:34,632 --> 01:32:35,804
Take the tape off.

1292
01:32:37,302 --> 01:32:38,770
Really?

1293
01:32:38,928 --> 01:32:40,976
Go on. Take it off.

1294
01:32:47,979 --> 01:32:50,323
- I'm ready now.
- Take him back down.

1295
01:32:50,482 --> 01:32:51,574
With pleasure.

1296
01:32:51,733 --> 01:32:55,738
Why did you do this? Tell me why and then
maybe I'll be able to believe in you.

1297
01:32:55,904 --> 01:32:58,953
- Why did you do such a thing?
- Do you know what time it is?

1298
01:32:59,491 --> 01:33:01,789
- It's five minutes to 11.
- I think we better go.

1299
01:33:01,951 --> 01:33:06,832
Because otherwise-I don't like to say it
like this... Jerry's gonna be unavailable.

1300
01:33:06,998 --> 01:33:10,377
- You'll understand when we go.
- I'll understand? Why will I understand?

1301
01:33:10,543 --> 01:33:12,216
Where are we going?

1302
01:33:12,754 --> 01:33:16,634
- Well, that's part of the bargain.
- Part of what bargain?

1303
01:33:16,800 --> 01:33:20,771
That's my understanding. Now, I just
want to see it in this other place.

1304
01:33:20,929 --> 01:33:24,524
And once I see it, that's it.
I'll give you Langford.

1305
01:33:24,682 --> 01:33:26,650
- But you don't understand my position.
- Uh-huh.

1306
01:33:26,810 --> 01:33:27,857
I have you right now.

1307
01:33:28,019 --> 01:33:30,863
- That's true.
- If I have you, I have a shot at Langford.

1308
01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:34,196
- But you don't have Jerry.
- I understand that.

1309
01:33:35,693 --> 01:33:37,866
I'm getting it off
as fast as I can.

1310
01:33:38,029 --> 01:33:40,953
- That's good, Masha.
- Yeah?

1311
01:33:42,033 --> 01:33:44,161
- You all right?
- I'm doing fine.

1312
01:33:44,327 --> 01:33:45,920
I know you are.

1313
01:33:46,955 --> 01:33:48,582
Come on.

1314
01:33:54,546 --> 01:33:58,221
One more thing, please. I can't walk
in here with you. If you could both...

1315
01:33:58,383 --> 01:34:02,104
if you could just wait here and let
me walk in by myself, that's all.

1316
01:34:02,262 --> 01:34:04,731
I'll break your ankles if
you make a wrong move.

1317
01:34:04,889 --> 01:34:07,733
I promise. I promise, okay?

1318
01:34:07,892 --> 01:34:10,441
But make believe you
don't know me too.

1319
01:34:10,603 --> 01:34:11,695
Go ahead.

1320
01:34:21,906 --> 01:34:23,908
(CLICKING)

1321
01:34:28,454 --> 01:34:29,501
(GUN CLATTERS)

1322
01:34:38,923 --> 01:34:41,096
Jerry, you seem a little bit...

1323
01:34:43,636 --> 01:34:45,013
(JERRY GRUNTS)

1324
01:34:53,104 --> 01:34:55,948
Jerry! Jerry, wait!

1325
01:34:56,107 --> 01:34:58,109
Jerry! Jerry!

1326
01:34:59,485 --> 01:35:01,579
Jerry, come back here!

1327
01:35:02,989 --> 01:35:04,787
Jerry!

1328
01:35:06,409 --> 01:35:08,377
(GUNFIRE ON TV)

1329
01:35:10,288 --> 01:35:12,006
RITA: Oh, God.

1330
01:35:12,457 --> 01:35:14,551
What do you want now?

1331
01:35:18,630 --> 01:35:22,055
- What are you doing? I'm watching that.
- Just a minute.

1332
01:35:22,217 --> 01:35:26,393
<i>HERLIHY (ON TV): And now, direct from
New York, it's The Jerry Langford Show...</i>

1333
01:35:26,554 --> 01:35:31,151
<i>with guest host Tony Randall and
his special guests: Shelley Winters...</i>

1334
01:35:32,310 --> 01:35:35,985
- What's going on here?
- Do you know him?

1335
01:35:36,147 --> 01:35:41,244
- Unfortunately, yes.
- Just sit tight. Relax-Everything" be okay.

1336
01:35:41,986 --> 01:35:46,287
<i>My first guest, you'll agree with me
that he's destined for greatness...</i>

1337
01:35:46,449 --> 01:35:48,497
<i>in one way or another.</i>

1338
01:35:48,660 --> 01:35:53,006
<i>So will you please give your warmest
greetings to the newest King of Comedy...</i>

1339
01:35:53,164 --> 01:35:55,258
<i>Rupert Pupkin!</i>

1340
01:36:08,054 --> 01:36:11,058
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Let me introduce myself.

1341
01:36:11,224 --> 01:36:12,851
My name is Rupert Pupkin.

1342
01:36:13,017 --> 01:36:14,018
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

1343
01:36:14,185 --> 01:36:18,235
I was born in Clifton, New Jersey, which
was not at that time a federal offense.

1344
01:36:18,398 --> 01:36:20,071
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1345
01:36:20,233 --> 01:36:22,486
Is there anyone here from Clifton?

1346
01:36:22,652 --> 01:36:24,029
Good, we can all relax now.

1347
01:36:24,195 --> 01:36:25,572
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1348
01:36:25,738 --> 01:36:28,787
Now, I'd like to begin by saying
that my parents were too poor...

1349
01:36:28,950 --> 01:36:31,874
to afford me a childhood
in Clifton...

1350
01:36:32,370 --> 01:36:36,045
but the fact is that no one is allowed
to be really too poor in Clifton.

1351
01:36:36,207 --> 01:36:39,552
Once you fall below a certain
level, they exile you to Passaic.

1352
01:36:39,711 --> 01:36:41,713
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1353
01:36:44,841 --> 01:36:48,562
But my parents did put the first
two down payments on my childhood.

1354
01:36:48,720 --> 01:36:50,472
Don't get me wrong.

1355
01:36:50,638 --> 01:36:53,391
But they did also return me
to the hospital as defective.

1356
01:36:53,558 --> 01:36:55,560
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1357
01:36:56,978 --> 01:37:01,404
But like everyone else, I grew up
in large part thanks to my mother.

1358
01:37:01,566 --> 01:37:03,910
If she were only
here today, I'd say:

1359
01:37:04,068 --> 01:37:06,912
"Hey, Mom! What are you doing here?
You've been dead for nine years!"

1360
01:37:07,071 --> 01:37:10,075
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1361
01:37:11,826 --> 01:37:14,796
But seriously, you should've seen
my mother. She was wonderful.

1362
01:37:14,954 --> 01:37:17,833
Blond, beautiful,
intelligent, alcoholic...

1363
01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:20,047
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1364
01:37:20,668 --> 01:37:24,548
We used to drink milk together after school.
Mine was homogenized, hers was loaded.

1365
01:37:24,714 --> 01:37:26,216
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1366
01:37:26,382 --> 01:37:29,306
Once they picked her up for speeding.
They clocked her doing 50.

1367
01:37:29,469 --> 01:37:30,937
All right, but in our garage?

1368
01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:34,099
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)

1369
01:37:38,144 --> 01:37:39,655
And, you know, when
they tested her,

1370
01:37:39,681 --> 01:37:41,844
they found out that her
alcohol had 2 percent blood.

1371
01:37:41,981 --> 01:37:44,985
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)

1372
01:37:48,363 --> 01:37:51,287
But we used to joke
together, Mom and me...

1373
01:37:51,449 --> 01:37:56,455
until the tears would stroll down her
face and she would throw up! Yeah.

1374
01:37:56,621 --> 01:37:59,249
And who would clean it up?
Ha, not Dad.

1375
01:37:59,415 --> 01:38:04,171
He was too busy down at O'Grady's,
throwing up on his own. Yeah.

1376
01:38:04,337 --> 01:38:08,433
In fact, until I was 16, I thought
throwing up was a sign of maturity.

1377
01:38:08,591 --> 01:38:09,763
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1378
01:38:09,926 --> 01:38:13,476
While the other kids were off in
the woods sneaking cigarettes...

1379
01:38:13,638 --> 01:38:16,232
I was hiding behind the house
with my fingers down my throat.

1380
01:38:16,391 --> 01:38:18,393
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)

1381
01:38:21,938 --> 01:38:28,287
The only problem was I never got anywhere,
until one day my father caught me.

1382
01:38:28,444 --> 01:38:32,950
And, you know, just as he was giving me
a final kick in the stomach for luck...

1383
01:38:33,116 --> 01:38:36,586
I managed to heave
all over his new shoes!

1384
01:38:36,744 --> 01:38:40,465
"That's it!" I thought.
"I've made it! I'm finally a man!"

1385
01:38:40,623 --> 01:38:43,627
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)

1386
01:38:48,840 --> 01:38:51,138
But, as it turned out,
I was wrong.

1387
01:38:51,300 --> 01:38:54,179
That was the only attention
my father ever gave me.

1388
01:38:54,345 --> 01:38:55,392
AUDIENCE: Aw...

1389
01:38:55,555 --> 01:39:00,652
Yeah, he was usually too busy out in the
park playing ball with my sister Rose.

1390
01:39:00,810 --> 01:39:02,153
AUDIENCE: Aw...

1391
01:39:02,311 --> 01:39:05,531
But today, I must say, thanks to
those many hours of practice...

1392
01:39:05,690 --> 01:39:08,409
my sister Rose has
grown into a fine man.

1393
01:39:08,568 --> 01:39:10,570
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1394
01:39:14,449 --> 01:39:16,702
Me, I wasn't interested
in athletics.

1395
01:39:16,868 --> 01:39:20,839
The only exercise I ever got was
when the other kids picked on me.

1396
01:39:20,997 --> 01:39:23,671
They used to beat me up once
a week, usually Tuesday.

1397
01:39:23,833 --> 01:39:25,176
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1398
01:39:25,334 --> 01:39:28,053
And after a while, the school
worked it into the curriculum.

1399
01:39:28,212 --> 01:39:29,714
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1400
01:39:29,881 --> 01:39:32,555
And if you knocked me out,
you got extra credit.

1401
01:39:32,717 --> 01:39:34,890
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1402
01:39:35,052 --> 01:39:38,056
Except there was this one kid.
Poor kid. He was afraid of me.

1403
01:39:38,222 --> 01:39:41,601
I used to tell him, "Hit me, hit me!
What's the matter with you?

1404
01:39:41,767 --> 01:39:43,440
Don't you wanna graduate?"

1405
01:39:43,603 --> 01:39:45,605
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

1406
01:39:48,733 --> 01:39:50,799
As for me, hey, I was
the youngest kid

1407
01:39:50,825 --> 01:39:53,685
in the history of the school
to graduate in traction.

1408
01:39:53,821 --> 01:39:55,823
(LAUGHING)

1409
01:39:57,658 --> 01:40:02,289
But, you know, my only real interest, right
from the beginning, was show business.

1410
01:40:02,455 --> 01:40:05,880
Even as a young man, I began at the
very top, collecting autographs.

1411
01:40:06,042 --> 01:40:08,044
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

1412
01:40:08,794 --> 01:40:10,671
Now...

1413
01:40:12,298 --> 01:40:16,428
a lot of you are probably wondering
why Jerry isn't with us tonight.

1414
01:40:16,594 --> 01:40:19,097
Well, I'll tell you,
the fact is he's tied up.

1415
01:40:19,263 --> 01:40:20,435
And I'm the one who tied him.

1416
01:40:20,598 --> 01:40:22,600
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1417
01:40:24,185 --> 01:40:29,316
I know you think I'm joking, but that's the
only way I could break into show business...

1418
01:40:29,482 --> 01:40:32,201
by hijacking Jerry Langford.

1419
01:40:32,360 --> 01:40:35,614
Right now Jerry is strapped to a chair
somewhere in the middle of this city.

1420
01:40:35,780 --> 01:40:37,782
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1421
01:40:42,036 --> 01:40:47,258
Go ahead and laugh. Thank you. I appreciate
it. But the fact is, I'm here.

1422
01:40:47,416 --> 01:40:50,920
Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding
and you'll think I was crazy.

1423
01:40:51,087 --> 01:40:55,308
But, look, I figure it this way: better to be
king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.

1424
01:40:55,466 --> 01:40:58,390
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

1425
01:40:58,553 --> 01:41:00,772
Thank you. Thank you.

1426
01:41:25,121 --> 01:41:28,125
(AUDIENCE CHEERING ON TV)

1427
01:41:35,673 --> 01:41:36,925
(POLICE SIREN WAILING ON TV)

1428
01:41:41,012 --> 01:41:44,858
- How'd you do that?
- Did you like it? Thank you.

1429
01:41:45,016 --> 01:41:49,021
I'd like to buy everyone here a drink,
and I hope you all enjoyed the show.

1430
01:41:49,186 --> 01:41:52,907
- Rita, you keep the change.
GERRITY: We're getting Langford now.

1431
01:41:53,065 --> 01:41:57,445
Rita, just because I made it big doesn't
mean I'm gonna forget about you.

1432
01:41:58,321 --> 01:42:00,824
- Remember, I'll call you...
- No more speeches.

1433
01:42:00,990 --> 01:42:02,992
MAN: What's happening here?
RITA: Take care.

1434
01:42:03,159 --> 01:42:08,541
That's the same guy who was just
on television. Just now. Same guy.

1435
01:42:09,206 --> 01:42:14,212
I'm just getting even. Those jokes...
Those jokes were murder.

1436
01:42:14,378 --> 01:42:16,551
- You didn't like those jokes?
- No. No.

1437
01:42:16,714 --> 01:42:19,532
I'm looking for the guy
that wrote the material.

1438
01:42:19,558 --> 01:42:22,087
I'd like to pick him
up and take him along.

1439
01:42:22,219 --> 01:42:27,851
I wrote the material. I disagree with you.
I thought they were very good jokes.

1440
01:42:28,893 --> 01:42:32,693
If you wrote that material,
I got one piece of advice for you.

1441
01:42:32,855 --> 01:42:37,076
Throw yourself on your knees in front
of the judge and beg for mercy.

1442
01:42:37,860 --> 01:42:39,828
That's very funny, but you'll see.

1443
01:42:40,112 --> 01:42:42,831
<i>MAN 1: In the most bizarre
debut in recent times...</i>

1444
01:42:42,990 --> 01:42:47,791
<i>a self-styled comedian named Rupert Pupkin
appeared on The Jerry Langford Show.</i>

1445
01:42:47,953 --> 01:42:49,705
<i>MAN 2:
There is no doubt the incident...</i>

1446
01:42:49,872 --> 01:42:51,912
<i>has made the name Rupert
Pupkin a household word.</i>

1447
01:42:52,041 --> 01:42:54,294
<i>MAN 3:
Rupert Pupkin's performance...</i>

1448
01:42:54,460 --> 01:42:57,384
<i>has been viewed by a record
87 million American households.</i>

1449
01:42:57,546 --> 01:42:59,969
<i>MAN 4: Rupert Pupkin,
the kidnapping King of Comedy...</i>

1450
01:43:00,132 --> 01:43:02,100
<i>was sentenced to six
years imprisonment...</i>

1451
01:43:02,259 --> 01:43:05,638
<i>at the minimum-security facility
in Allenwood, Pennsylvania...</i>

1452
01:43:05,805 --> 01:43:09,435
<i>for his part in the abduction of
talk-show host Jerry Langford.</i>

1453
01:43:09,600 --> 01:43:12,149
<i>MAN 5: On the anniversary of
his appearance on the show...</i>

1454
01:43:12,311 --> 01:43:18,159
<i>Pupkin told reporters he still considers
Jerry Langford his friend and mentor.</i>

1455
01:43:18,317 --> 01:43:21,742
<i>He reported that he has
been writing his memoirs...</i>

1456
01:43:21,904 --> 01:43:25,124
<i>which have been purchased by a
leading New York publishing house...</i>

1457
01:43:25,282 --> 01:43:26,955
<i>for in excess of $1 million.</i>

1458
01:43:27,118 --> 01:43:28,995
<i>MAN 6:
Rupert Pupkin was released today...</i>

1459
01:43:29,161 --> 01:43:32,506
<i>after serving two years and nine
months of a six-year sentence.</i>

1460
01:43:32,665 --> 01:43:35,919
<i>Hundreds were there to greet the
37-year-old comedian and author...</i>

1461
01:43:36,085 --> 01:43:38,759
<i>among them his new agent
and manager, David Ball...</i>

1462
01:43:38,921 --> 01:43:42,516
<i>who announced that King for a Night,
Pupkin's bestselling autobiography...</i>

1463
01:43:42,675 --> 01:43:44,643
<i>would appear as a
major motion picture.</i>

1464
01:43:44,802 --> 01:43:48,682
<i>MAN 7: Pupkin said he had used his stay
at Allenwood to sharpen his material.</i>

1465
01:43:48,848 --> 01:43:52,273
<i>He said he and his people were weighing
a number of attractive offers...</i>

1466
01:43:52,435 --> 01:43:55,530
<i>and that he looked forward to
resuming his show-business career.</i>

1467
01:43:57,314 --> 01:44:02,115
<i>ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the man we've all been waiting for...</i>

1468
01:44:02,278 --> 01:44:04,326
<i>and waiting for.</i>

1469
01:44:06,073 --> 01:44:10,499
<i>Would you welcome home, please,
television's brightest new star.</i>

1470
01:44:10,661 --> 01:44:14,791
<i>The legendary, inspirational,
the one and only King of Comedy...</i>

1471
01:44:14,957 --> 01:44:18,587
<i>ladies and gentlemen,
Rupert Pupkin!</i>

1472
01:44:18,753 --> 01:44:20,755
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

1473
01:44:31,599 --> 01:44:36,196
<i>Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen!
Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!</i>

1474
01:44:39,982 --> 01:44:43,327
<i>Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin,
ladies and gentlemen.</i>

1475
01:44:47,656 --> 01:44:51,877
<i>Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!</i>

1476
01:44:52,036 --> 01:44:55,711
<i>Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin,
ladies and gentlemen.</i>