(TELEPHONE RINGS)
(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Uh, hello.
Uh, this is Cheech. Uh, I'm not here right now.
Well, I'm here, but I'm not here.
See, I'm on my way to Amsterdam, man.
We got invited to a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film festival.
So, I'm gonna be over in Amsterdam for a little while.
So, like, if you need me or anything,
you know, like, when you hear the beep,
well, you know, just, like, leave a message, okay?
Oh, P.S., if this is Donna...
(KISSING)
You can put that wherever you need it, baby.
Check you later. Oh, and like that.
(BEEPS)
CHONG: Hey, man, where are you?
I'm at the airport.
Hey, the plane's getting ready to leave without us!
Come on!
(DIAL TONE)
Man, this is the first airport I haven't been searched in.
Who's gonna smuggle something into Amsterdam, man?
WOMAN: Hello.
Hello. Oh, hi. Thank you very...
Oh! Thank you.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(IN DUTCH ACCENT) Hello, Mr. Burt Reynolds. Hi. How are you?
On behalf of the Amsterdam International Film Festival,
a hearty welcome to Amsterdam, Mr. Burt Reynolds.
And I hope you will have a very happy and lucky time.
Do you know if Miss Dolly Parton was on the plane?
What?
If Dolly Parton was in the plane?
No, I didn't see Dolly Parton. Was she on the plane?
Oh, you... I have seen movies of you.
In the movies you are much taller than you are in real life.
May I say...
May I say "Burt" to you, Mr. Reynolds?
Thank you very much. What?
May... Maybe I say "Mr. Burt" or "Mr. Reynolds,"
or maybe I say "Burt" or something like that.
May I say "Burt" to you, Mr. Reynolds?
Hey, man, I'm not Burt Reynolds, man.
You are not Burt... You are not Burt Reynolds?
No. I'm Cheech, man. This is Chong.
We're Cheech and Chong, man. Hey, turn around. Show him.
Yeah, Cheech and Chong. See, right there, man. Cheech and Chong.
We came for the movie festival.
You are...
You are here on the end of the list. You see.
Mr. Cheech and Chong.
Listen, man, we gotta get out of here. Where's the car?
There is a car waiting outside
for Mrs. Dolly Parton and for Mr. Burt Reynolds,
but you can have the van, if you want.
Okay. Great. Thanks a lot, man. Bye.
Thank you. Bye-bye, everybody.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, please, no more autographs. No more pictures.
Thank you! Thank you! It's lovely to be here.
Take me to a dike.
Thank you. Thank you.
There you go.
I got a writer's cramp, man.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, man, I think I'm gonna have to finally do it.
Do what, man?
Put scars all over my face, man.
I'm getting too handsome, man.
This guy thinks I'm Burt Reynolds.
I gotta give the other actors a chance.
Well, I don't think you have to go to all that trouble, man.
No? No.
I think all you have to do is grow another big zit
like the one you got right there.
Where? Yeah.
I got one on my nose?
Yeah. A big yellow one.
Shit. Is it big?
Yeah. Looks like another nose, man.
Oh, man.
And if you really want to look ugly,
just leave the booger hanging off your mustache there.
There? Is it off?
Yeah, and if you really want... Oh, man, shut up!
Oh, you are sitting here.
Because...
These were the places supposed to be
for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, you know.
Dolly Parton's supposed to be sitting here?
Yeah.
Let me clear off a place for her to sit down.
I asked people to put you in the van, you know.
Yeah.
They just told us to sit here, man.
Oh, they didn't understand.
Well, you're sure that Burt Reynolds was not in the plane?
He wasn't with us, man. We flew first-class.
Maybe he was sitting back with the peasants, you know.
You flew first-class?
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the tickets, man.
Now, there's a little bit of problem.
You didn't get the telegram?
What telegram? He said, "Come over here and party."
Yeah. You was on the list,
but there are a little bit financial problems.
You know Mr. Patrick?
Yeah. He's the dude that phoned us up and sent us the tickets, man.
Oh, yeah. He's a good dude. Met him at a party.
Yeah.
He's all right. He's a heavy fan of ours.
Yeah.
He told us, man, he says, "Come on to Amsterdam and let's party."
So we've been studying up on partying, man.
We got it down pretty good.
Yeah. We're ready. We're ready, man.
To be quite honest,
I asked him to send you a telegram to cancel this trip
because we have a little bit of financial problems, too.
Oh, yeah?
The Mr. Patrick, he left with all my money,
and also my car,
so certainly he will be come back one of these days.
Yeah, he'll come back.
Hey, we'll help you out. We'll do a show for you, man.
Hey, man, we haven't worked in four years, come on.
That's okay, man. I remember all the bits, man.
Hey, where's the windmills, man?
Windmills. Maybe you can see one on your left.
Where's the chocolate?
You haven't been before in Holland?
No, man.
What are you doing in America?
Are you in radio shows or something like that?
You haven't heard of Cheech & Chong?
No.
Where you been, under a rock?
We make movies, man.
I have a wonderful movie theater.
Oh, yeah?
And we're having a press conference,
and I want to introduce Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds
and that people from Holland, the newsenkrumpten.
The newspapers, you know.
Where's the parties going to be, man?
Is that one of the parties?
Because Patrick said that Sylvia Kristel's going to be at the party.
Maybe. Maybe...
So you're a Hollander.
Yeah. I'm a Hollander, yeah.
But there are a few parties,
but I have to cancel a little bit of the parties
because the financial problems.
Maybe we can have one party.
Do you know where we can score some hash, man?
What do you mean? Hash.
I've got that address of that doper cafe, man.
Oh, okay. Great.
We have a lot of cafes in Amsterdam.
The only thing about jet lag, man,
is you got to smoke a lot of dope,
and it comes out even.
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
Get ready for them. Burt Reynolds
(SPEAKING DUTCH)
MAN: Mr. Burt, welcome in Holland!
Mr. Burt!
(CROWD CLAMORING)
CHEECH: Thank you very much.
Mr. Dolly, Mr. Burt.
Please, follow me.
This is our very, very best,
the Saskia van Uylenburgh suite, Rembrandt's former wife.
The best we have.
And here we are in our very, very best.
Amsterdam at your feet.
(CRASHING) And the Venice of the north...
Sorry.
The RAI building for the big fairs,
Rijksmuseum,
Vincent Van Gogh Museum,
and the museum of the history of Amsterdam.
You got a lot of nice sights around here, man.
Oh, many, Mr. Burt. Many.
CHEECH: Hey, I'm hip.
The Royal Palace.
Oh, yeah.
The Stedelijk museum.
Xaviera Hollander's house at the other side.
Mr. Burt,
I'm so fond of having you here.
Oh.
I'm your biggest fan, Mr. Burt.
Oh, thanks.
You can believe it.
Mr. Burt, I am your biggest fan.
I've seen all your pictures. All your pictures.
Except one, the last one. I haven't seen the last one.
Neither have I.
Excuse me, Mr. Burt, you got any Dutch money?
Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no, no.
No, Mr. Dolly. You don't have to pay.
Oh, yeah. It's free, man. Yes!
No, no!
I'm sorry, no. It's not free.
You have to sign for it.
Oh.
Mr. Jan...
Hoderfree.
Mr. Jan Hoderfree.
Mr. Jan Hoderfree, he arranged everything for you.
You just order and sign.
Oh, okay. I can get that.
Just sign. Oh, great.
Oh, Mr. Burt,
how is Raquel Welch in reality, flesh to flesh?
She's gonna last forever, man.
Oh, really?
Yeah. She's heavy.
Mr. Burt, when there's anything you need...
Oh, yeah?
I mean anything.
Anything?
Anything!
Oh, yeah?
Mr. Burt, we have some ivory statues, oriental statues...
(SPEAKING DUTCH)
From gorgeous delight in the basement...
Oh, yeah?
With tiny fingers who work you up slowly, slowly,
to a level, to an excitement you've never had before...
(WOMAN SPEAKING DUTCH)
You just sign, huh?
I'm so sorry. I have to take him.
1,001 delights, Mr. Burt.
Anything you wish.
Mr. Burt. Mr. Dolly.
Enjoy your stayment in Amsterdam, in Holland.
And you just sign. Anything.
Amsterdamski, man.
(LAUGHS)
All right.
Your luggage.
Thank you.
Hey, man, just sign for it.
Sign? Sign for it.
And for you.
Could you give me one for the doorman?
Oh, of course.
Thank you.
Good-byen.
(SIGHS)
We made it, man.
I wonder where the toiletski is.
(HUMMING)
Wow!
Hey, man, you ought to see the size of this bathtub.
We could have a couple friends in, man.
Still got that little outboard motor?
Wow, look at this!
Hey, man, what is this?
Hey!
Hey, man! Help!
What are you doing, man?
Hey, man...
Help! Hey!
CHEECH: Hello, room service?
Hi. This is Mr. Burt up in the Suzie Q suite, man.
Mr. Burt.
You know, Burt and Dolly.
Yeah, that Raquel Welch. Yeah. She's something.
No, they're real. They're real, man.
Hey, listen, man, you know that caviar you sent up today?
Hey, man, it smells fishy.
Yeah, and it all turned black.
Somebody must've left it out all night or something, man.
So can you send up some of that other caviar?
Yeah, send up some of that Belgian.
Yeah. I don't know. A pound.
No, no. Make it five pounds.
Whatever you got, man.
Yeah. Send it right up, man. We're really hungry.
Okay, donkey smell.
Oh, all right. They came.
Hey, that's the new series, man.
All right.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADSET)
You know, I'm beginning to feel sort of bored.
Let's go see the town. Come on.
What?
Amsterdam.
Look at these buds, man.
Look at this.
They're real.
WOMAN: Hello.
Hi. Hi. How are you?
Would you like to eat something? Oh, yeah, please.
Special today is Indica.
Oh, great.
Would you like some weed tea?
Some tea?
Yeah, herb tea. I'd love some tea.
Oh, wow. Look what they got, man.
Wow! "Fresh buds in season with melon."
Lookie here, filet-o-cola.
Here's my favorite, seed soup.
I think I'll have some. I wonder if they got pepper with that.
Uh...
I want to start with a tossed California bud salad
and then a Shake shake.
And what's Fungus Mungus?
Well, never mind. Bring it to me anyway.
For my main course, I want a Bogart Special
with everything, including the mold.
Then I'll try the Temple Ball Surprise, too, okay?
Pig out, man.
I'll have the cream of hash and barley soup
and the fresh buds. What... Are they in season?
Yeah, okay.
And, oh, for dessert, I'll have the space yogurt
with chopped cola nuts.
Thank you very much.
Put the rush on it.
Ah, yes!
* I get delirious
* Whenever you're near
* Lose all self-control
* Baby, just can't steer
* My wheels get locked in place
* Get a stupid look on my face
* When it comes to makin' a pass, pretty mamma
* I just can't win a race
* 'Cause I get delirious
* Delirious
* I get delirious
* When you hold my hand
* Body gets so weak I can hardly stand
* My temperature's runnin' hot
* Baby, you got to stop
* 'Cause if you don't, I'm gonna explode
* And, girl, I got a lot
* I get delirious
* I'm delirious, yeah
* All right
* I'm delirious
* Yeah, yeah
* Yeah, yeah, yeah
* Delirious
* Yeah
* Delirious
You feel anything?
* Delirious
Hey, I'm still hungry, man.
Want to order another one?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
HOST: Try to explain why people are not...
People are not...
Come on, and you sit there.
Yeah, okay. Sit down. Sit down.
(SPEAKING DUTCH)
You have any aspirin, man?
I've got a half a lude.
Just slip it to me, man.
(SPEAKING DUTCH)
Try to be as nice as possible.
I have to leave now because I have to make phone calls
for the airplane of Miss Parton and Mr. Burt.
But I'll be right back.
MAN: Mr. Cheek and Mr. Wrong.
Mr. Cheek and Mr. Joke.
I don't understand something.
I'm waiting here half an hour...
We overslept.
We underslept.
Who the hell are you?
Cheech & Chong.
Uh, Cheech like "peach," and Chong like "dong."
MAN: Which kind of films are we gonna get
in the festival? Can you explain me?
Why don't you take this for a while, okay?
I'm going to take a little nap.
CHEECH: Yeah, okay.
Do you know when Reynolds and Parton are coming here?
Uh, yeah.
Dolly Parton's coming and Burt Reynolds
and Paul Newman, and Jimi Hendrix is coming.
Uh, E.T., E.T.'s coming.
He's a personal friend of mine.
Who are you?
CHEECH: Cheech & Chong!
We're really big in the States, man.
(TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYING)
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
MAN: Bravo!
(SPEAKING DUTCH)
I'm really proud to...
May I introduce the most famous world actors,
Mr. Cheech and Mr. Chong.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes, you may begin your questions now.
Yes. Thank you very much, Mr. Cheech, Mr. Chong,
for coming to the Netherlands.
We are awfully thrilled that we can see you now in the flesh,
that we can say hello to you in person.
But nevertheless, our first question, that's to say my question is,
why did you organize your first film festival in Amsterdam?
Um...
Because.
Mr. Cheech and Mr. Chong,
uh, we are very pleased to have you here, and I love you.
I mean, I love all your films.
I have seen them all, except the latest one,
because there was a line outside about three miles,
so I couldn't get tickets.
The Cheech shall arrange tickets for you.
Oh, thank you, thank you!
(ALL CLAMORING)
MAN: Mr. Cheech. Yes.
We all know you made that scar to give all the actors a chance,
but you are even more handsome with the scar on your face!
It's great.
What can I do? What can I do?
I try.
MAN: We love you! You're great.
I owe it all to my director.
CHEECH: Hey! Hey, come on, wake up, man. It's over.
Let's go. Let's go get some breakfast, man. I'm hungry.
Why are you telling all those things? What?
You know, I asked you to be nice.
There were a lot of important newspapermen from Holland here all over.
And did you tell about Paul Newman?
Who invited E.T.? Who invited E.T.?
CHEECH: You think they still have caviar?
(CHONG SIGHS)
Here you are. Thank you.
Hey, wait, I know exactly what I want.
You want to order now?
Yeah. I want a big plate of huevos rancheros
with rice and beans and hot tortillas,
and a little shot of tequila, and a Dos Equis.
I don't understand.
Well, what have you got?
I'll have coffee and toast.
Yes. Make that two coffee and toast.
Coffee and toast.
I'd like a machaca burrito, man.
You want some mussels?
No. Just coffee and toast will be all right.
You sure? Yeah.
That's all? Okay. Thanks a lot.
So, let's get thinking about a show, man.
Yeah. We should seriously start thinking about it.
Let's do a bit about parties.
Something we know, man.
No, hey, man, we promised that dude a show.
We should start thinking about something.
Yeah.
Well, what do you want to do?
Well, you know, like, something about movies, television.
Oh! Duh!
I was working on a bit. I forgot to tell you.
We do a takeoff on E.T., okay?
Except it's like a Chicano version, right?
It's called E.T.: Eddie Torres, The Extra Testicle.
Do you like it? It's about this horny guy
from East Outer Space, you know,
and he lands on Earth in a low-rider flying saucer, man,
and he pulls up on this chick's lawn, and she hides in the closet,
because her parents are out for the weekend, yeah?
And he chases her all around the house
going, "Beep beep beep beep beep."
Yeah. How are we going to do that on stage, though?
It's good. I got a costume, man. Here, check it out, man.
Watch this. I had a guy make it up down the street.
E.T.: Eddie Torres, The Extra Testicle!
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, it's great.
Check this out for special effects, man.
Let's go all the way. Big-budget, huh?
You like this?
When the chick comes around, he chases her all around the house.
(MAKES BEEPING NOISE)
(MAKING BEEPING NOISE)
Guess she doesn't speak Spanish, huh?
(CAMERA WHIRRING)
(MAKING BEEPING NOISE)
Oh!
WOMAN: Don't touch me!
Hey, man, get out of here. Come on, man.
I got something going on.
Just be cool, and leave me alone, man.
Get out of here, man. I ain't bullshitting with you.
Now, get out. Leave me alone.
(CHEECH MAKING BEEPING NOISE)
Something wrong?
The door's locked.
Oh.
I'll help you.
(CAMERA WHIRRING)
(SPEAKING DUTCH)
Hey, man, I ain't bullshitting.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
You're gonna blow the whole... Shit!
We're going to get in trouble.
Come on, man. Get...
(BANGING)
Hey.
(BANGING ON DOOR) Hey, man. Open the door.
Hey, man. The thing is stuck. Open the door!
Hey, man, open the door!
(CAMERA WHIRRING)
Hey, man!
Hey, man. Get the fuck out of here, will you?
Asshole!
(CHUCKLES)
(YELLING)
(MAKING BEEPING NOISE)
(MAKES RAPID BEEPING NOISE)
(IMITATES TARZAN YELLING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
Hey, I'm okay.
Don't send the ransom. I'm all right.
I made it.
No more. No more.
No! No! No!
No! Take him! Take him!
No!
(SIGHS)
(SIZZLING)
Wow, man.
Hey, let's go eat.
Eat? Yeah.
Let's eat at the club.
Okay. Well, where's the club?
This way. This way. Where? This way?
This way. Follow me.
All right.
* ...you don't have no problem
* People on the river are so eager to give
* Big wheels keep on turnin'
* Proud Mary keeps on burnin'
* And we're rollin', rollin'
* Rollin', rollin'...
Hey, donkey smell.
Hey, this is great Dutch entertainment, huh?
Czechoslovakian band and American singers.
(LAUGHS)
Yes? What would you like to drink?
Oh, yes. Yes, yes!
Champagne. Champagne?
Yeah, champagnen. And bringen it heren and put it on the tablen.
Hey, this is it.
Hey, this looks just like the place we started in, man.
Yeah. Looks a lot like it, huh?
Hey, man, want a cigar? No.
These are Cuban, man.
You can only get them here. They're heavy, man.
* Rollin', rollin' on the river... *
Garcia.
Hey, man. Huh? What?
I'd like to do our act here, man.
I'd like to do an act with that cigar girl, an unnatural act, man.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Hey, bravo, bravo!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
(THANKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES)
As you've heard, we are Top Flight,
your unique American singing group.
If you want to see more, hang around until show number two,
when we will be coming back with much more entertainment your way.
Right now the Piccadilly Nightclub proudly presents,
all the way from America, another unique feature,
Red Dick!
(ECHOING) Red Dick!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHING)
(IN SOUTHERN U.S. ACCENT) Thank you very much.
Thank you for the clap.
Thanks for the introduction,
except the only thing, my name's Red Nick, not Red Dick.
That guy must have been peeking in the dressing room.
Thank you very much.
Oh, shit.
I'm used to singing in the streets, you know,
and this is the first time I've ever been up here on stage.
Goddamn. I'm so nervous,
you couldn't get a pin up my ass with a jackhammer, man, I swear to God.
Thank y'all.
Oh, here's a joke for you.
You know why cowboys have, like, shit in their mustaches?
* Oh, lookin' for love in all the wrong places
* Lookin' for love
Oh, thank you very much. Thank y'all.
All right.
(STAMMERS) I'd like to sing you a song now.
It's called First Time I Seen Her.
It's an original song. I wrote it myself.
Thank you very much.
* Well, first time I seen her
* Sittin' on a hill
* Wavin' her tits at Buffalo Bill
* Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree
* Gonna tie my pecker to a tree
* Oh, second time I seen her
* Sittin' on a log
* Tryin' to get it on with an old bullfrog
* Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree
* Gonna tie my pecker to a tree *
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much for the clap.
Thank you.
Oh, at this time, it gives me great pressure
to introduce an old buddy of mine.
He's an old blues singer
that's been stringing and singing with me down at Dam Square,
you know, and everything.
We've been making a lot of money together.
He's the world's oldest blues singer, man.
This guy's so old, he farts dust, man, you know.
I swear to God. And he's really funky, he's the father of the blues.
So, let's have a big, warm how-do-you-do
for none other than Blind Melon Chitlins!
Come on! Let's hear it for him!
Blind Melon Chitlins! Come on!
Blind Melon Chitlins!
Oh, this guy's hot!
Blind Melon Chitlins.
Blindest singer in the world.
Here you go. Here you go.
Just sit right down there.
Blind Melon Chitlins. Sit...
No, no. Get over here. There you go.
Just sit downski.
All right. Blind Melon Chitlins.
Okay. There you go.
All right. Look, he can't see y'all out there, you know,
because he's blind, but he ain't deaf, and he can hear you.
So let's have another big hand for him.
Blind Melon Chitlins. Come on.
Blind Melon Chitlins.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(TAPPING FOOT)
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Blind Melon Chitlins.
(MUMBLES)
(SNIFFS)
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Right now, right now.
My name is Blind Melon Chitlins.
I'm a legend.
I'm 156 years old.
That's right. I'm 156 years old,
and I can still get it up.
(LAUGHS)
Just can't get it in.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That cracks me up. That cracks me up.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to get down with y'all right now
and sing a little tune I wrote one day
when I was beating my old lady.
A little thing called Goin' Downtown, Gonna See My Girl.
Yeah. Goes something like this here.
One, two...
(HARMONICA SQUEAKS)
* Goin' downtown, gonna see my girl
(PLAYS ONE NOTE)
Y'all can dance if you want to.
* Yeah, goin' downtown, gonna see my girl, yeah
(PLAYS NOTE)
* Gonna put one leg over my shoulder
* Then two legs over my shoulder
* Then...
(MUMBLES)
Yeah, I'm gonna dance a little bit now.
All right.
* Gonna put one leg over my shoulder *
Yeah. All right.
(CRASHING) Blind Melon Chitlins! Let's have a big hand for him!
(GLASS BREAKING)
It's a good thing these places are open 24 hours, huh?
Man, everything in this town is open 24 hours.
I kept waiting for that bar to close, man. It never closed.
I love Amsterdam.
Really, man. I can't take much more of this partying, man.
I'm wasted.
Hope they got a masseuse here, man.
I need my back worked on.
I need my front worked on, too.
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
Cheech? Huh?
I can't see shit without my glasses, man.
Come and sit next to me, man.
Hey, I thought up another bit.
Oh, yeah? Queer Wars.
Yeah. That would be great. Remember Queer Wars, man?
Yeah, yeah. Remember Fags in Outer Space?
What do you think? Yeah. That would be good.
Remember how it went?
Like, these two faggots getting ready to go to a party. Remember?
Yeah. That's gonna be a good bit.
Queer Wars. Yeah.
(IN EFFEMINATE VOICE) What shall I wear to the party tonight?
(IN EFFEMINATE VOICE) Oh, wear something exciting.
Oh, I know. I'm going to go Peter Allen.
I don't think so.
Yeah. I don't think so either.
I'm so sick of Carmen Miranda.
Oh!
Tonight...
I go butch.
(SIGHS)
Too Jackson 5.
Yes, you're right. But...
How about Liza?
(MOTOR HUMMING)
* Start spreading the ludes
* I'm crashin' today
I don't think so.
Yes, you're right.
I'm so bored with everything.
We have to buy some new clothes.
That's my cape. Take it off.
I'm just trying it on.
Take it off right now. No.
Take it off. I'm going to wear it tonight.
You always wear my clothes and get stains all over them.
I want to wear it tonight.
I'm gonna wear it. I'm wearing it.
That is my cape.
I know it's your cape!
Well, then, take it off.
Have a shit fit, why don't you?
Well, take it off.
If I don't wear the cape, I'm not going.
Well, then don't go.
I won't go.
Oh, my God, there's plenty of things to wear.
You don't have to always wear my clothes.
I said, I'm not going.
Dougie, we have to go. We're Imperial Guards.
I don't have to go anywhere.
I'm not going.
All right, then, don't go. I'll go by myself.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Hmm. I wonder who's going to be there.
You know damn well who's going to be there.
Han Solo.
Mmm-hmm.
Hands so low you can hardly see what they're doing.
I'm just gonna stay home and pig out on chocolate.
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, Dougie.
Oh, Doug, cheer up.
What's the matter? Are you getting your period again?
That's a joke!
I'm just getting so old!
Oh, you are not.
I am. You can see all my wrinkles.
Then let's just stay home and watch cartoons.
Come on, I'll make some popcorn, make you feel better.
There.
That's not cartoons.
Let's just watch it and see what it is.
Are we on?
Oh.
Orale.
And, like, welcome to Con Talk.
Like, I'm your host, Sleepy Gonzales,
and we're going to rap it down to you today, man,
to, like, all you little vatos locos out there, man,
as, like, how to stay out of the slam
and shit like that, you know.
Like, I did time in, like, Folsom
and Soledad and Chino, you know.
And this is my guest here, man.
Hey, this dude's famous, man, you know.
His name is Joe "The Hole" Cole.
He did 40 years in Q, man, in Quentin, you know,
and 20 years in the hole.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, welcome to the show, man. Here's a cookie.
You don't owe me nothing, man.
And I don't owe you nothing.
Thanks, Speedy.
Uh, Sleepy, man.
Hey, so, like, the topic for today is, like, gun control.
All right? Okay.
All right, like, I'm against...
No, I'm for gun control.
What am I for? I'm for gun control.
Okay. You know, like, guns can fuck you up.
You know, like, knives,
well, they can fuck you up, too, you know?
Just like, check it out, you know.
Like, I got stabbed, like, 13 times in this arm, man.
You know, and like, in this arm, I got...
Oh, I can't roll up that sleeve.
Um, so, like... But I'm still living, you know?
And so... But check this out, you know.
I got shot on the side of the head there, man.
You know, the bullet went in there,
and, like, it's still in there, you know,
and that's why I talk slow.
Has nothing to do with dope, you know.
And so, like, now Joe's going to rap it down to you.
Okay, man.
Well, first of all, Speedy, I want to say, like most vatos,
you're full of shit.
You were full of shit in the joint,
and you're even more full of shit now.
Hey, man,
guys like me need guns.
Yeah, I know. You need guns, man.
That's how I make my living, with guns.
I rob banks. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Can you see me walking into a bank with a knife, saying, "Stick 'em up"? Huh?
(CHUCKLING) That would be a trip, huh?
Besides, man, guns don't kill people.
Cops kill people.
Hey, yeah, right on. I hear you there.
All right. Okay.
The thing is, too, man, like, you gotta be an idiot
not to know how to handle a gun.
You know what I mean?
I mean, first thing you do, you make sure the weapon is not...
(GUN FIRES)
(COUGHS)
(GASPS)
Oh, wow, man.
Let it go, man.
Like, that's all the time we got today on Con Talk.
Join us next week
when, like, the topic will be how to score dope in prison.
Or how not to go to prison,
'cause you gotta score dope or something.
Hey, man, have some coffee.
Here, homeboy, come on.
(COUGHS)
You all right?
(CLINKING)
Oh, wow, man.
Hey.
Hey, you're lucky it came out.
Hey, mine's still in there, man.
Hey, far out.
So, like, see you next week, you know?
And, uh...
And like that.
You know what we haven't done yet, man?
What? A bit on dope.
Oh, yeah.
You know what we need to do?
A takeoff on a telethon.
You know, like Jerry Lewis does,
you know, raise money for kids.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
I know. We'll call it Dope-a-Thon.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
We have guest hosts. Yeah?
You now, and we raise money for dopers that
lost their crops. Oh, yeah.
You like that? Yeah, I love it. Oh, my God.
I like it.
Oh.
Yeah. Dope-a-Thon.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey!
Welcome to Dope-a-Thon '82.
Ow!
And I'm your host, Tristan The Night Away.
Ow!
And we're going to be here for 36 straight hours
to try to raise money for the dope victims all over the world.
And now, to introduce and to tell you
what this Dope-a-Thon '82 is all about,
let's have a big, warm hand for people out there President Ashley Roach Clip!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Welcome, Ashley.
Hey, man. Ow! Ow!
Ashley, can you explain to our folks out there
what this whole dope-a-thon is all about? Ow!
Okay, man. Like, we're here
because the government's been burning our crops, you know.
And they're causing a dope famine all over the world.
* All over the world
Ow!
Here's one of the victims of the burning, man.
Oh, isn't he cute?
That's a pretty sick sight, man.
And so what we want to do, we want to raise money
so we can buy some tanks and antiaircraft guns, you know.
Good idea.
'Cause we gotta stop... We gotta stop this before it gets out of hand, man,
because there's a lot of people in this world
that depend on us for their supply of drugs.
Ow!
You know, like, this world would probably fall apart
if it wasn't for farmers like us
that take time to grow this shit.
You know what I mean?
That's right. So, that's why we need your money, so send it in.
All right. Ashley, where are you from?
I'm from Ann Arbor, Michigan, man.
Ann Arbor. Ow!
Yeah, I was there during the '60s,
when the universe meant something.
All right. So, hi, guys, out there in Ann Arbor.
Now we're gonna show you a little film
we got sent over, the studio sent over.
It's their first trailer for their brand new season.
It's going to come on next week.
It's called The Harder They Don't Come.
Ow! Roll the film!
Dope!
You got to come. You got to have dope,
hashish, drugs. Come on. Hashish.
Lebanese.
Home-grown Nigerian.
Moroccan.
Dope.
Hey, sister.
Lebanese, Moroccan hashish.
Nigerian. Home-grown. Come on, sister.
I give you some, special price.
Dope!
* Concert come, nobody buy dope
* Dope
* He say "dope," he say "dope"
* Concert come, nobody buy dope
* Got Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani, too *
Hey, brother!
Hey, you want to buy some smoke from me?
I make you special price.
Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani, huh?
Nigerian, home-grown.
Uh, no, no, fella, you know...
I wandered in here by mistake.
I was just looking for a drink,
and Christ almighty, I sure wandered in the wrong place.
No, you don't want drink. You want happy smoke.
You got to enjoy music, brother.
You call that music?
Yeah. Good music.
Christ almighty, it sounds like goddamn jungle warfare out there.
Oh, no, that's good reggae, brother.
I don't know what the hell you call it,
but it sounds like a bunch of jungle music to me.
Oh, where you from? I'm from Canada.
Canada!
Oh, Canada! Sergeant Preston, huh?
* O, cannabis, O, cannabis
I make you special Canada price, okay?
You buy from me Nigerian, Moroccan, Lebanese home-grown, huh?
No. I'm not interested in souvenirs. Thanks anyway.
No, I'm not selling souvenirs, brother.
I selling good happy smoke for good happy music.
No. Not interested.
How you going to enjoy good music
without good marijuana, huh, brother?
Say what?
How you going to enjoy good music without good marijuana?
Well, let me get this straight.
You're standing out here selling marijuana?
Now you got it, brother. Yeah! What...
All right. Put 'em up.
Brother, you don't have to rip me off.
Police. You with the police?
That's right. Hey! I love you, brother!
What the hell are you doing?
I have all your albums, huh?
* Don't stand so close to me *
Hey! You goddamn hophead.
Narcotics! Now get over here.
Take off that... What the hell?
Hey, man. I'm American, man.
Shit, man. I'm from Detroit.
Get over here! Hey, man. I'm...
Shut up, punk!
Shit, man, hey, man, I'm over here in the army, man.
These motherfuckers don't pay shit, man.
Shit, my old lady made me do this, man.
She put a gun up to my head. She made me do this, man.
You ever try to argue with a Dutch bitch?
First of all, you got to look up to them, man.
She's been pedaling a bicycle all day.
You know she could kick your ass, man.
All I'm doing is selling harmless smoke, man,
just harmless smoke.
Harmless smoke? Yeah.
Yeah, that looks like harmless smoke, doesn't it?
Oh, man. I'm a diabetic, man.
That's just saccharin, man. You can throw it away.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, motherfucker, what you...
Fuck.
Okay, man. You got all my dope, man. Give me a break.
You want a break?
Yeah. Come on.
Go ahead. Make a run for it.
I'll give you three.
One, two... Hey, man.
(GUN CLICKS)
Christ, this thing doesn't usually misfire like that.
Hey, come on, man.
Probably hit an empty chamber. Let's try that again. Ready?
Come on, man. Come on, man!
One, two, three. Please, man!
What's the matter, punk?
Come on. Take that gun away from my head.
Shut up, punk!
I just got a penicillin shot, man.
Oh, you're a real smart-ass, aren't you?
No, man, just a sore-ass, man. That hurts.
Turn around, sore-ass.
Hey... I said, turn around!
Oh, you're really cute, aren't you?
Hey, come on, man. Give me a break. Let me go, man.
I told you, get going. Come on! Run!
Come on. Take that gun away, man.
Got no balls, huh, punk? Huh? No balls?
No balls, punk?
Hey, come on, man!
You got a big mouth, you know that?
Yes, sir.
Yeah. "Yes, sir." Turn around.
On your knees, bigmouth.
Hey! I said, on your knees, bigmouth. Move!
Yes, sir.
Now, come on over here.
Get over here.
Now, you know what I want you to do, don't you?
Oh, fuck that, man!
Shut up, punk.
I want you to start praying.
Pray!
Oh, Lord!
Oh, thanks for this meal we're about to receive for...
On your feet, punk.
Hey, come on, man.
Making fun of God? I wasn't making fun of God.
You think God's funny, punk?
You son of a bitch, don't you ever...
All right!
(LAUGHS)
All right.
Oh, yeah.
All right. Give me the gun. Come on.
Give me the gun.
Look, you're in enough trouble already, son.
Don't make it worse. All right?
Now, listen.
You're high on drugs. I can see that.
Now, listen, son. Don't make it worse.
Tell you what, you give me the gun, I'll let you go.
Hey, don't do that. Come on, don't do that. That's got a hair trigger!
It could go off at any time.
Look, I got a wife and kid. Okay?
How would you like a new asshole, too, man?
(CHUCKLING) Huh?
No. Don't do that, please.
Hey, look, I'm not even a cop, okay?
I'm a security guard at Woolworths.
I'm on vacation, for Christ's sake.
I got a wife and kids. Boom-boom!
Don't do that! Don't do that!
Please?
Hey, look, I like you people.
Honest to God, I really do.
Hey, man, get down on your knees.
All right. On your knees.
Yes, sir.
Now, you know what I want you to do, don't you?
(CHUCKLES)
And it ain't praying, cop.
(ZIPPER UNZIPS)
No, on the king.
Ow! We're back! All right.
Dope-a-Thon '82. It is still rolling!
Keep that phone line hot.
We need your money and your pledges, okay?
Ow!
Okay. We have a very special guest dropping by the studio now,
who's going to come out and say hi to you.
Let's have a big, warm welcome for three-time U.S. Open
international masturbation champion.
Here he is, Harry Palms!
Ow! Ow!
Harry Palms!
Let's have a big warm welcome for him.
Harry, I'm glad to have you on the show.
Hey, fantastic!
Hey, nice of you to come by.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Well, that's quite a grip you have there, Harry.
Fantastic.
You're a graduate of St. Agnes all-boys Catholic high school,
isn't that right? Yeah, yeah.
Fantastic. And you've just come back from Russia
where you competed in the giant jerk, the world championships,
and you came in first and third this year.
Fantastic! Whoo! Get a hold of yourself, Harry.
We're on TV.
Ow!
Yeah. Good for the skin.
So anyways... Ow!
Harry, you've been an innovator in the field of thumpology.
You've done such things as introduce Speed Shifting,
Around the Hump, the White Knuckler,
Over-the-Shoulder Boulder Holder,
and this year you introduced a brand new hold. What is it?
Ow!
This year I just grab it in both hands, you know,
and beat it against my forehead.
Fantastic! That's using your head.
Ow!
Okay, well, where do you go from here?
Uh, well, back to the hotel room to practice.
Always practicing, huh? What's your next competition?
Well, next is, I go to Hong Kong for the Fist of Fury Tournament.
Well, good luck, 'cause we know you'll be in there pulling for us.
All right! Harry Palms! Ow!
Let's hear it for him! Ow!
CHONG: Hey, man, you know what bit we haven't done for years, man?
Remember Bruno Hakalugi, the Italian wrestler?
Remember we used to do it where Bruno meets the Invisible Man?
Well, why don't we do it where you play the samurai warrior, man?
I'll be Bruno Hakalugi, and we'll do the wrestling bit.
Yeah, man, I used to love that bit.
(GONG SOUNDS)
(ON PA) Good evening, wrestling fans,
and welcome to Championship Wrestling!
I'm your host, Jerry Dunphy, and with me tonight
is three-time world heavyweight champion, Iron Mike McGraw!
Welcome to the show, Iron Mike.
Thank you very much, Jerry. Thank you.
We have an excellent card on tap for you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,
featuring the Italian champion Bruno Hakalugi
and his tag-team partner, Japanese Ichi Scratchi.
How do the boys look to you tonight, Iron Mike?
Well, the Italian looks pretty good. Pretty good.
A little greasy, but pretty good.
The Jap looks good. They both look good.
And their opponent tonight is none other than
the world-famous champion from nowhere,
the Invisible Man!
What do you think of the Invisible Man, Iron Mike?
Well, I haven't seen too much of him lately.
In fact, no one has.
He's invisible, you see.
But it's going to be a good match,
and I think it's going to be a good match.
Well, this tag-team championship of Hakalugi and Ichi Scratchi
is certainly showing him no respect.
They're not showing him any respect at all,
but I don't think the Invisible Man is too scared of them either.
It looks like they're deciding
who is going to go in the ring first here.
Yeah, they're deciding who's going to go in the ring first.
That's right, Iron Mike.
They're having quite a discussion now.
I can't understand what they're saying.
Well, the Invisible Man is ready.
(SPEAKING MOCK JAPANESE)
I think it's going to be the Italian.
No, it's going to be the Japanese.
(BELL RINGS) No, maybe it's the Italian!
And there goes the bell. Here we go.
Okay, folks, remember, tonight's bout is a no-holds-barred,
Texas rules, no referee, and no paycheck for the loser.
He's looking around and he gets hit with a shot out of nowhere.
And another shot out of nowhere, and he's down already!
It's going to be quite a match, huh, Iron Mike?
It looks like the Italian's in trouble.
Yes. He's got him in a hammerlock now.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
And now he's tagged the Japanese!
And Ichi Scratchi into the ring.
(GRUNTS)
He's looking around.
Looking for a sneak attack.
(SPEAKING MOCK JAPANESE)
And he's got a rim shot!
Took one right in the rim.
Another rim shot!
That's illegal, but there's no referee, so it doesn't matter.
That's right.
(INVISIBLE MAN GROANS)
He bit him. He bit him. That's a good hold.
That's a good wrestling hold. Biting is allowed.
Oh! Another rim shot.
(PUNCHING)
Here comes Bruno Hakalugi into the center of the ring.
What is he doing?
He's probably digging for crabs.
No. He's eating garlic!
He's going to give him the garlic blow job!
Oh, the Japanese is down!
And now he's got the Invisible Man in a knee drop.
Oh, into the corner!
You know that hurts, you could hear it all the way over here!
That's pretty tough on the back there.
That's right, Iron Mike.
Oh, now. Oh, oh, oh. Look at that one.
He's got him in the Got-Ya!
He's got his hands full now!
He's really stretching.
Oh, and he slipped out!
Must have been the grease on his hands.
There's a lot of slack in him now.
And he gives him another stretch.
And another stretch!
And now over his shoulder for the Volga Boatman!
There he goes marching to Moscow!
* Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum
* Dum, dum, dum, dum *
Ichi Scratchi's up and he's down now!
Didn't see where he was going, huh, Iron Mike?
You can't see invisible balls.
That's right.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTING)
He's got him in the Bass-Man!
That's not an orthodox wrestling hold, by the way.
Here we go into Double Dutch!
Listen to them hit the ground there.
Well, I'd say the Invisible Man's
in a lot of trouble right now.
Right now he looks pretty tied up.
He'll get out of it, I bet you.
Oh!
There goes Hakalugi!
Uh-uh. He's going to make a four-corner run!
That really hurts, let me tell you.
I remember that happened to me once.
And there goes Hakalugi.
And Hakalugi is down! Oh, my gosh!
And there goes Ichi Scratchi!
He's down. And the Invisible Man wins!
Those balls are pretty dangerous
when they're flapping around like that. You understand?
(EXCLAIMS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
CHONG: Hey, Cheech.
Hey, how can you stay in there that long, man?
Hey, you know one bit we got to do?
Alice Bowie at a sex club.
* Amsterdam, I like it in Amsterdam
* I'm so glad we came to Amsterdam
* Amsterdam, they smoke hash in the street
* And they ride bicycles all over
* And they got everything that's cool in here
* They got a lot of dikes in Amsterdam
* And they got the shit all over
* I'm so glad we came to Amsterdam
* Even though they don't know who we are in Amsterdam
* I like Amsterdam
* I like it better than America
* Even though they don't know
* They never seen our movies here in Amsterdam *
I am absolutely ruined, you know?
(STAMMERS) I just got a phone call that
Mr. Burt Reynolds is definitely not coming.
You scared the shit out of me, man.
Because he is in Florida,
and Ms. Dolly Parton is in the hospital, you know.
Oh, wow!
They're not coming?
For definite? For sure?
They phoned me.
Oh, that's too bad. Oh, that's okay.
Who needs Burt Reynolds, man?
Hey, man, we're here.
What have you got to worry about, man?
We're going to do a great show, man.
It will be all right.
Don't worry about nothing.
You don't need Burt Reynolds or Dolly Parton.
I lost my reputation. I have no money.
Who needs material possessions, man?
Hey, man, real tears.
Real tears. Oh, hey, man, come on. Take it easy.
Hey, man. Dry your eyes, man.
I hate to see a grown man cry.
Here, there you go.
Come on, take it easy, man.
Don't worry about money, man.
It'll make you grow old before your time, man.
I can't go around in Amsterdam.
You got nothing to worry about, man.
We're going to do a great show for you, man.
People are going to be screaming and cheering.
It'll be all right, man.
All right.
Hey, stop him, man! He's going to jump!
Stop him! I got to reload!
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, come on.
Come on. Come on. Let go. Let go.
Come on, man.
Okay. Let him go!
Hey, come on. Let go!
Hey, man, look how far down it is.
(YELLS)
(IMITATES CRASHING SOUND)
You don't want to jump, man. Come on.
Come on, man, you'll end up spaghetti.
They'll just have to scrape you off
the driveway there, man. Come on.
It's all right, man. You got nothing to worry about.
My son is nine, you know, and my daughter is only...
They'll be all right, man.
Tell you what, Steven Spielberg's a personal friend of mine, man.
I'll give him a call today,
we have lunch at I Love Sushi in Malibu all the time, man.
I don't believe you do.
I'll give him a call. We'll have E.T. over here.
You'll be a big success, man. Don't worry about nothing.
It's gonna be cool.
Hey, look. Have a watch, man.
That looks good on you, man.
Stick your arm out. Here, look at that.
All right, man. That looks slick.
You mean, you want to give me a watch?
Yeah, you can have it. Here's one for your old lady, too.
That's a nice lady's watch. She likes that?
And that's for my wife?
(STAMMERS)
Hey, don't worry about nothing.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Don't worry about nothing, man.
Just show up there at the theater, man.
You're gonna see something you never saw before, man.
It'll be great, man, come on. Don't worry about nothing.
Yeah, but, you know, I have to think of my reputation.
Hey, don't worry about your reputation, man.
It'll be cool in Amsterdam here.
Thank you very much for the watches.
Don't worry about it, man. Everything will be cool.
Just go home and relax, man.
Take a half a lude or something.
All right, be cool. We'll see you at the theater.
Thank you. All right.
* Amsterdam
* This guy's gonna lose his ass in Amsterdam *
Oh, that's a good-looking watch, man.
Hey, thanks a lot, brother.
All right! Look at that sucker.
Hey, man, you think this is too much with this outfit, man?
(CROWD MURMURING)
MAN ON PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please welcome Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton!
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Uh, I think there's been a mistake.
Thank you.
Uh, we're not, uh, Burt and Dolly, man.
Like, we're, uh, Cheech & Chong, you know.
Like, we're going to do a show for you anyway, and...
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
And, uh...
So we want to start off with a dude, man,
that had his arm blown off during the war by a bomb.
He's real sensitive about it, too,
you know, man, you know, like, about his arm.
So let's really give him a nice hand, okay?
Let's hear it for Limey Bitters!
Come on out here, man!
Come on out here, man.
Yeah, see his arm, man?
Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
It gives me great pleasure to be here tonight,
and I'd like to perform for you all an unnatural act.
Hello. Hey, hello.
Hey, listen, man, turn those mikes down.
Yeah. Can't you hear them, man? They're feeding back.
Turn them down, and listen, don't black out.
No, don't black out until we tell you to, man.
Don't mess with anything. Just leave it as they are.
(STAMMERS) Don't tell all those...
There are a lot of important people.
They even expect that the Queen is coming every moment,
all the people from secret service.
Don't use the word "bums," you know,
and don't use those languages.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Thank you.
Now, I know what a lot of you people out there think.
A lot of you people out there think, "Well..."
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
"Just what kind of act could this be?"
Well, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
that the act of which I speak
is that I
am the only person in the world
what can play this here trumpet out his nose.
That's right. And not only that,
I will make this here trumpet sound like a slide trombone.
All right. Thank you very much.
Now, I would like to play a tune called
Nobody Knows About Me Cares,
And Nobody Cares About Me Nose
Rag.
Out me nose.
Or proboscis. Thank you very much.
(CLEARS THROAT) Here we go.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Had a bit of a greenie stuck there.
All right. Here we go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATING TROMBONE PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)
(GASPS)
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
Let's hear it for Limey Bitters! Thank you very much.
This is a great town.
Lot of people think we come here just for the drugs,
but that's true.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Hey, this theater's nice.
I don't think they want you to smoke here, so light up.
Ladies and gentlemen, the astronaut.
(THEME FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY PLAYING)
(ENGINES IGNITE)
MAN: Eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three,
two, one,
zero.
(ENGINES ROAR)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
CHEECH: Donkey smell. Donkey smell.
Donkey herring.
Uh, right now, we'd like to take you to Vondelpark.
(SHUSHING)
Oh, dear, look at all these goddamn pigeons.
Come on. Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.
Come here. I got some popcorn for you.
There you go.
Oh, dear, look at that little guy.
Hey, I don't want to get personal or anything,
but did you shit your pants?
What?
I said, did you shit your pants?
Yeah, I shit my pants, man.
Why the hell don't you go home
and change them, for Christ's sake?
Hell, I ain't done yet, man.
I still got another week.
Hey, man, I like you. You're cool, man.
Take your goddamn hands off me!
(MUMBLING MOCKINGLY)
Was that old-man talk, man?
You know, you should have a lot more respect for me than that,
you know that?
Christ, for all you know, I could be your daddy.
(LAUGHING) Shit!
You could be my daddy?
Sure. I used to fuck buffaloes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And by jeez, I'll tell you, you look just like your mama, too. You know that?
Man, don't say nothing about my mama, man.
Hey, you want to play games, funny bunny?
Hey, old man, you into games?
You want to play games?
How about race car driver?
(IMITATING CAR ENGINE) By Jesus!
You take off, by jeez, or I'll kick you in the balls.
You're going to kick me in the balls, man?
Hey, go ahead, man. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Free shot, man! Come on.
Boy, you sure as hell don't give a guy much of a target, do you?
That does it, man. Now I'm going to kill you!
By Jesus, now you take off, you son of a bitch.
You think I'm scared of you?
Hey, come on. I'm gonna hit you with the chair.
Oh, God!
Hey, what you doing, man? Come on. Let's go. Come on.
Hey, one hand.
Hey, I'm going to take your wallet, man.
Hey, come on, man. Let's go.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, quit fucking around, man.
Boo!
Hey, dude.
Okay, I'm sorry, man.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Hey, man, what are you doing?
I didn't even touch you, man.
I didn't even touch him!
Hey, I was only playing with you, man.
Hey, man, I'm on parole, man.
Shit.
Hey, come on, man.
Hey, I said I was sorry.
Hey, dude.
Hey, old dude.
Oh, shit. Goddamn, man.
Fuck, man. Hey, I'm sorry.
(CRYING) Goddamn, I'm sorry, man.
Scared the shit out of you that time, didn't I, you little fuck?
Hey, Margaret, where the hell are you, now, for Christ's sake?
Come on out of that goddamn toilet
and get over here, for Christ's sake.
Come on. We're going to see a real live sex act,
right on the goddamn stage here.
Christ, I never seen a live sex act
for about 12 years, for Christ's sake.
And it cost me a bundle that time, too.
Margaret, what the hell you doing in that toilet, scuba diving?
Come on out here, for Christ's sake.
Come on, now. Come on.
You might learn something here.
Come on out here, Margaret.
Come on, never mind those assholes.
Come on. It's okay.
Where the hell you been? You don't want to watch this?
Come on, now, Margaret. Sit down.
Look, I took that goddamn boat tour, didn't I?
Christ, if I see another goddamn windmill, I'll puke.
Now, come on.
We're going to see a live goddamn sex act.
Just sit your ass down here and shut up, for Christ's sake.
Christ almighty, we've been here 12 goddamn days,
and this is the first bit of excitement I've had, now.
Come on. Let's get this... What's the matter with you?
There's nothing on that goddamn seat.
What the hell is that, anyway?
Feels like Silly Putty, don't it?
Must be some kid jacking around in the balcony.
Here, come on, sit down, for Christ's sake, Margaret.
Hey, let's get this show on the road.
What the hell you waiting for?
It's a live goddamn sex act.
Oh, Christ, I hope that's not the star.
Holy Jesus. She's so goddamn old,
she's got stretch marks on her mouth, for Christ's sake.
Hey! She looks like your goddamn sister Ethel.
That is goddamn Ethel!
Hey, Ethel, over here!
She's trying to ignore us, for Christ's sake.
Oh, she's taking off her clothes.
Nope, that ain't Ethel.
I don't think it's Ethel.
Holy Christ, lady. Put it back on. Christ.
You're going to scare someone with that body.
Look at her tits, for Christ's sake.
Look like oranges in a pair of socks.
Look out! You're going to trip on them, lady.
Christ almighty.
Why doesn't she take off her panties?
Oh, she's got them off. Oh, Christ.
What the hell kind of haircut is that, for Christ's sake?
Looks like someone's initials there.
Christ almighty.
Oh, Christ, now she's showing it to us.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Christ, I don't want to see it that close, lady, for Christ's sake.
Looks like the Holland Tunnel there, don't it?
Look, it's doing impressions, Margaret! Look at that!
Margaret, look, there's a deviled egg sandwich right there.
That's goddamn funny, Margaret.
Come here. Sit down. Sit down, Margaret.
What the hell is she going to do with that Coke bottle, now?
Holy Jesus.
You don't suppose she's got an opener up there, do you?
Hey, the goddamn bottle disappeared!
No deposit, I guess, huh?
There it is! Look at that pop out of there.
She shot that bottle clear across the room, for Christ's sake.
And it's open! Margaret, look!
My God, it's goddamn Houdini up there.
What's she going to do with those grapes now?
No, she... Holy Jesus.
She's stuffing them...
Oh, for Christ's sake, lady.
Why don't you get a purse or something?
Goddamn pack rat. Look at that.
Are you saving them for later?
What the hell are you doing, lady?
How is she going to get them out of there, for Christ's sake?
I'm waiting to see... Oh, here they come!
Margaret, a goddamn jackpot. Look at...
Margaret, look at that!
Oh, no, she's eating them. Oh, jeez.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, jeez.
Hey, if you're that hungry, lady,
I'll buy you a hamburger for Christ's...
What's the matter? You getting sick?
You okay? You getting sick?
Here, put your head between your legs.
Christ, that might make you sicker.
Sit up here, Margaret.
Come on. Sit down, for Christ's sake.
Don't look. If it's going to make you sick, don't look.
I'll tell you when to look.
Hey, Margaret, look.
Margaret, look. They brought in a goddamn dog.
Look at the size of that son of a bitch.
I bet that's the dog that's been shitting all over Amsterdam.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Holy Jesus.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd like to present to you the dogs, Ralph and Herbie.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(GROWLS)
(SNARLING)
(YELPING)
(BARKS)
Herbie!
Hey! Hey! How the hell are you?
Hey, you're looking good, man.
I hardly recognized you.
Yeah, I got a new haircut, man. It's a punk cut.
Look at that, it's red and orange and green and yellow.
I like that.
And brown in the center.
Where you been?
I haven't seen you for so long, man!
Oh, my human's been keeping me locked up, man.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he went off on vacation, man, to, uh, London.
Yeah? He left me in the room for two weeks.
Oh, no.
That's okay. I shit in his earphones.
I ate all his stash, too.
Hey. What?
Want to chase some cats?
Cats?
Yeah, I could use a little pussy about now.
Oh, smell that.
What?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, it's Fifi.
Oh, God. She gets me so horny, I could pole-vault.
God, I don't know, every time I smell her, man, I go nuts.
Hey, no! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
Knock it off, Ralph!
I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me.
Yeah, well, I know what got into me!
Just stay in front of me.
Go ahead. Get me back. Get out of here.
Christ, you been locked up too long, haven't you?
Let's go chase some Fifi, man. Come on.
I'm horny.
No. I got to go poop.
What? Right now?
Well, you hit a nerve or something, man.
Oh, well, shit, well, let's pick out a good spot for it.
Oh, God, I can't wait.
Well, just do it right here.
Yeah. But we're in the middle of the restaurant, man.
Even better!
Hey, go. I'll watch out for the waiter.
Hey, Herbie, here it comes!
It's going to be a big one!
Open wide!
Oh, God! Look at the size of that mother!
Did I do that?
God, what do you want to name it, man?
Hey, it's still smoking!
Oh, I love where you put it, too.
Yeah.
As soon as the waiter comes out,
he's going to skid all the way to the kitchen!
Thank you very much.
It's been a pleasure, a pleasure playing for you.
Thank you very much.
ANNOUNCER: Cheech & Chong!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
* Still smokin'
* Still tokin'
* Hazel died at 65
* Don't know why I'm still alive
* Smokin', still smokin'
* Still smokin'
* Still tokin'
* Haven't got a dime
* Havin' fun and feelin' fine
* And smokin', still smokin'
* Still smokin'
* Spendin' all my time in an unemployment line
* And smokin', still smokin'
* Still smokin'
* I'm even jokin'
* Haven't got a job
* Thank you, Jesus, thank you, God
* And smokin', I'm smokin'
* The doctor and my brother and my mother and my father
* All tell me to quit
* Quit!
* But even though they love me
* And they shove me and they bug me
* I can't go for this
(COUGHING)
Oh, shit.
* Still smokin'
* I'm still smokin'
* It's the only way I can make it through the day
* It's smokin', still smokin'
* Still smokin'
* You know I'm smokin'
* Writin' songs, drinkin' wine
* Gettin' high and feelin' fine
* And smokin', still smokin'
* Still smokin'
* Hey, I'm still smokin'
* I'm still smokin'
(LAUGHING)
(COUGHING)
Hey, who's got a smoke?