1 00:00:00,126 --> 00:00:02,294 For all we know, this old guy could be dead by now. 2 00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:03,379 Too bad you can't prove it. 3 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,631 As his only relative, the fortune would go to you. 4 00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:07,800 How many zeroes in "fortune"? 5 00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:10,136 [Jessica] Tonight on Murder, She Wrote. 6 00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:13,347 That unidentified corpse is not Uncle Charlie. 7 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:14,432 It isn't? 8 00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,559 But it will be as soon as we identify the body. 9 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:19,478 You're not the first people to lay claim to John Doe. 10 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:20,855 You're not even the second. 11 00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:22,732 He's right. 12 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:24,692 The shoe's too small. 13 00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,402 It was murder. 14 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:29,947 Honey, this isn't going to look good on your résumé. 15 00:00:33,909 --> 00:00:37,329 [cheerful orchestral music] 16 00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:21,290 [typewriter clacking] 17 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,837 Oh, hello. 18 00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:29,924 You've caught me at the tail end of my newest book. 19 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,550 I've been at it almost ten hours a day 20 00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:33,052 for the past week, 21 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,262 and I am sore from my fingers to my back 22 00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:37,181 and...elsewhere. 23 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:39,975 You know, 24 00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:43,020 every time I start a new novel, it's an adventure, 25 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,065 and I really never know what I'm gonna come up against. 26 00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:47,441 Some are pure agony, 27 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:48,943 like having your wisdom teeth 28 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:51,362 yanked by a sadist with a pair of pliers. 29 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,114 And others just flow from the typewriter 30 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,742 like sap from a maple tree. 31 00:01:56,826 --> 00:01:58,869 [laughs] 32 00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:01,205 That's the way it was with "Good-Bye Charlie." 33 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,499 I wish they were all this much fun. 34 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:04,583 Our hero... 35 00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:06,126 well, now let me see, 36 00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:09,713 is hero the right word for Frank Albertson? 37 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,131 Maybe not. 38 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:14,468 I promise you, he's not very heroic. 39 00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,512 Actually, he's a lost soul 40 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,473 looking for one good shot at the brass ring. 41 00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:23,769 The story opens on a spring day in sunny Hollywood, 42 00:02:23,853 --> 00:02:26,397 land of orange groves, movie stars, 43 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,649 and private detectives. 44 00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:45,040 [tires squealing] 45 00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:45,643 Smile and say, "cheating." 46 00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:47,728 [screams] 47 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,021 Lousy private eye! 48 00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:52,524 [grunting, screams] 49 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,124 [man] Well, thank you, Mrs. Albertson. 50 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,584 When you brought me into the bedroom, 51 00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:12,419 I didn't expect anything like this. 52 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:15,089 [woman] Well, I hope you're not disappointed. 53 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,632 [man] Oh, no, no. 54 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,133 I mean, you've been absolutely incredible. 55 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,469 Really, you've made my day. 56 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:23,514 Sunny, I'm home! 57 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,100 [Sunny] Oh, hi, honey. We're in the bedroom. 58 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,226 Come on in. 59 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,813 [clears throat] 60 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,272 Who are you? 61 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,608 And what are you doing with my uncle Charlie's watch? 62 00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:37,987 Honey, he was just looking at it. 63 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:39,113 Ow! 64 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,156 What happened to you? 65 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,366 Business. 66 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,450 Who is this guy? 67 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,160 A lawyer. 68 00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:46,120 Ray Fleischer. 69 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,579 Rathbone, Gilder and Hellman. 70 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,164 Lawyer? 71 00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,041 Look, if you're gonna tell me I'm gonna be sued, 72 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,501 I was just doing my job. 73 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,752 Honey, just listen to him. 74 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,212 We are the executors of 75 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,840 the estate of the late Elizabeth Flack of Detroit. 76 00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,801 She's left everything to one Charles Kenneth Albertson. 77 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,136 Uncle Charlie? 78 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,554 Why would she do a thing like that? 79 00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:05,764 Her will refers to him as an old love. 80 00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,058 I was just showing him some of the stuff 81 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:10,561 Uncle Charlie left behind, and look... 82 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,813 the inscription on the back of this old broken watch says, 83 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,774 "To Charlie with love from Liz." It's proof. 84 00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:16,900 Look at this picture of Uncle Charlie 85 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:17,985 in his sailor suit. 86 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,697 Well, the faces are a little blurry, hon. 87 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,115 Read what it says on the back. 88 00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:27,619 "Me and Liz, 1943." 89 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,580 I also showed Mr. Fleischer 90 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,207 some of the other stuff Uncle Charlie left behind. 91 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:35,586 The monogrammed money clip, the expired library card, 92 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,546 the monogrammed cigar clipper, 93 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,631 and also uncle Charlie's navy dog tags. 94 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,216 -Sit down. -Thank you. 95 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:42,426 Did you forget about the two-headed nickel 96 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,886 and the loaded dice? 97 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,220 Frank... 98 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,514 Mr. Albertson, I am convinced 99 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,433 that Charles Kenneth Albertson is your uncle. 100 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,185 Now I'd appreciate it very much 101 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,187 if you could tell me where I could find him. 102 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,271 I really don't know. 103 00:05:55,773 --> 00:05:57,149 Look, the guy dropped in for a weekend 104 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,901 and stayed three years. 105 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,236 That's 36 months of eating my food, drinking my beer, 106 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,321 and wearing my shirts. 107 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,489 I got a little fed up. 108 00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:05,491 I gave him 100 bucks, put him on a bus. 109 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:06,992 How long ago was that? 110 00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:09,745 I don't know--Two, maybe two and a half years. 111 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,955 We got a couple of Christmas cards from him. 112 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,625 The last one had a return address in Reno. 113 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,127 But when I sent him a card, it came back stamped 114 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,837 "Not Known at This Address." 115 00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,255 Yeah, I mean, for all we know, 116 00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:21,715 this old guy could be dead by now. 117 00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,217 Too bad you can't prove it. 118 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:25,803 As his only relative, the fortune would go to you. 119 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,434 How many zeroes in "fortune"? 120 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,727 In this one, six. 121 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,395 Six? 122 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,190 Well... 123 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,651 Hey, I mean, I loved the old guy, really. 124 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:44,404 But, I mean, if he's dead, he's dead. 125 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:45,906 Who do I see? 126 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,367 Here's my card. 127 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,494 Give me a call in about five years. 128 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,037 Five years? 129 00:06:52,121 --> 00:06:53,705 Well, you haven't heard from him in two, 130 00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:55,499 and he can't legally be declared dead for seven. 131 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,917 Sorry. 132 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:57,876 Wait--Wait a second, Ray, listen... 133 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,546 Good-bye, good luck. 134 00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,297 Good-bye. Thank you. 135 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,591 Lawyers. 136 00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:12,975 Frank, Frank, what's so funny? 137 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,688 What was so funny, 138 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:21,567 at least to Frank's mind, was the irony of the situation. 139 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:25,195 For three years he and Sunny had supported this old moocher. 140 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,072 Now, suddenly, Charlie was rich 141 00:07:27,156 --> 00:07:29,825 and they were facing repossession and dispossession, 142 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:33,328 not to mention the loss of Frank's one and only client 143 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,872 because of the way he'd bungled the case. 144 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:37,541 [Jessica] Luckily, the client was a forbearing woman. 145 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,127 Who decided to give Frank another chance. 146 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,731 [laughing] 147 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,986 -Hey, honey. -Yeah. 148 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,738 Isn't that the guy we saw yesterday? 149 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,867 I told you we should have gone someplace else. 150 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,411 I'll kill him. 151 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,502 [tires squealing] 152 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:27,966 I don't get it. 153 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,093 Why should I be interested in some poor guy 154 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,678 who's been hit by a train? 155 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,097 Oh, surely you must be able to think of one reason 156 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,016 why we both might be interested in him? 157 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:41,897 [together] Uncle Charlie. 158 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,649 Yes! Yes! Yes! 159 00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,859 Frank, Frank, Frank! Frank, stop it! 160 00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:47,653 What's the matter? 161 00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:49,112 It's horrible! 162 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,365 Poor old Uncle Charlie? 163 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:52,908 Honey, 164 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,619 that unidentified corpse is not Uncle Charlie. 165 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,747 It isn't? 166 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,999 Honey, the body was found on a railroad track 167 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,001 outside of Huckabee, Nevada. 168 00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:04,962 That's about 50 miles east of Reno. 169 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:06,672 You remember Reno, 170 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,758 where Uncle Charlie's last Christmas card was from? 171 00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,677 Sun, it's not Charlie. 172 00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:14,554 But it will be, as soon as we identify the body. 173 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,809 Oh, Frank. 174 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,644 You won't get away with it. 175 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,105 Somebody must know who the person really is... 176 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,690 was. 177 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,775 John Doe has been on ice for three days. 178 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,569 Not one person, not a relative, a friend, a neighbor 179 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:32,281 has come forth to claim that body for burial. 180 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,907 If nobody claims it by noon tomorrow, 181 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,951 it's gonna get dumped into an unmarked grave. 182 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,369 Ugh. 183 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:39,830 But, if we claim it, he's gonna get a funeral, 184 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,457 and a decent burial, and a tombstone. 185 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,626 With Uncle Charlie's name on it. 186 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,213 Honey, look, 187 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,173 if Charlie did drop dead out there 188 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,092 somewhere without our knowing about it, 189 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:54,469 maybe he got planted in some potter's field 190 00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,971 in an unmarked grave. 191 00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,306 The stone we get for this poor sucker 192 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,599 will serve as a monument to Charlie. 193 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,143 He'd want it that way. 194 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,034 [phone ringing] 195 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:26,126 Coroner's office. 196 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:28,754 No, this is his assistant, Lon Ainsley. 197 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,422 Mr. Yamoto is out of the office. 198 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,132 Can I help you? 199 00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,384 [in a southern accent] Yes, sir, I was reading about 200 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,262 this poor John Doe feller, 201 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:41,224 and I got the crazy notion he might be my brother, Bubba. 202 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,560 Sir, you cannot make an identification 203 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,853 over the phone. 204 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,481 All right, sir, just give me a yes or no. 205 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,233 John Doe, rather, my brother, Bubba, 206 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,653 he's got a tattoo of Betty Boop on his right forearm. 207 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:57,032 It's hard to tell what was on John Doe's forearm. 208 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,867 But there are no tattoos anywhere else. 209 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,036 No tattoos, huh? 210 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,706 Well, what about a dueling scar on his left cheek? 211 00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,626 Let's just forget about his face. 212 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,961 How old is your Bubba? 213 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,881 Oh, well, sir, he's older than me 214 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:18,261 which, I would guess would make him around 40. 215 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,098 Sorry, this man is old enough to be your dada. 216 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,313 You have a resonance in your voice that says 217 00:11:28,397 --> 00:11:31,400 you're a tall, muscular man, Mr. Ainsley. 218 00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:36,071 [stammering] Well, I do try to take care of myself. 219 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:39,408 Now, is your missing father a tall man? 220 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,455 He's on the short side, about 5'6". 221 00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,542 Now if it wasn't for the train, 222 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,293 what sort of shape would he be in? 223 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:58,218 Well, not so great, he's on the paunchy side. 224 00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,553 Very, very good! 225 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,846 I think we may have a match here. 226 00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:03,974 Now give me one more particular. 227 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,183 I can't think of anything. 228 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:11,064 Well, there is something about his right leg. 229 00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,442 -What exactly? -It's wooden. 230 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,486 And we were so close. 231 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,864 Well, I hope your daddy turns up. 232 00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:20,282 Bye, now. 233 00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:22,367 Bye. 234 00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:23,869 [chuckling] Voila. 235 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,912 There you have it: meet John Doe. 236 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,708 These stats add up to a delicious six zeroes. 237 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:30,876 Great. 238 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:32,419 Hey, by the way, 239 00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,254 how did you come up with short and paunchy? 240 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,506 Do you have some sort of second sight I don't know about? 241 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:37,632 No. 242 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,303 Actually, I was describing Uncle Charlie. 243 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,732 Well, having pumped the coroner's assistant 244 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,775 dry of every drop of pertinent data 245 00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:57,110 on the unclaimed corpse, 246 00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,571 Frank and Sunny headed north to Nevada, 247 00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:02,073 unaware that they were about to lock horns 248 00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:05,994 with Huckabee's unique version of law and order. 249 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,455 I understand you folks drove 250 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:10,207 all the way up from LA last night. 251 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,708 That's right. 252 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,252 Frank Albertson, sheriff. This is my wife, Sunny. 253 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,215 -Something wrong? -It's his back. 254 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,841 We had to sleep in our car, Frank had the front. 255 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,426 Yeah. 256 00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:24,179 Bucket seats with the stick-shift in the middle. 257 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,555 We were going to stay at a motel, 258 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:26,765 but it was closed. 259 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,350 Yeah. 260 00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,352 Old Roscoe believes in early to bed, early to rise. 261 00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:35,607 Says anybody sneaking into town late at night is up to no good. 262 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:36,525 Have a seat, folks. 263 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:39,486 Well, your... 264 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:43,823 your identification was first-rate. 265 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:45,909 Not much I can tell you about the accident. 266 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:49,162 John Doe was pretty badly mangled. 267 00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:50,580 The force of the train 268 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:51,748 knocked him right out of his shoes. 269 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,999 They were... 270 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,252 they were found beside the body. 271 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,546 If it's any consolation to you, it was quick. 272 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:03,468 Can you think of any reason why your uncle would have been 273 00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,262 near the railroad track here in Huckabee? 274 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:09,015 Yes, sheriff, I can. 275 00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:11,393 I don't know how many times Uncle Charlie used to tell us 276 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,937 about the Great Depression of the 1930s. 277 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,439 He was out of work, couldn't get a job. 278 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:19,651 And like so many of the other unemployed at the time, 279 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,028 Uncle Charlie became a hobo. 280 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,864 He traveled across the country in empty boxcars, 281 00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,617 living off the land and sometimes even stealing. 282 00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:29,661 Mostly chickens, 283 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:32,497 which he cooked over a spit in some hobo forest. 284 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:33,540 Jungle. 285 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,669 Then you're saying that 286 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:40,088 he got killed trying to hop on that freight train? 287 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,799 He went back to his old way of life. 288 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,052 But he just couldn't cut it. 289 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,055 Do you know of any reason 290 00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:50,765 why he didn't have any identification on him? 291 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,685 Well, what does a hobo need with a wallet? 292 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:54,853 His pockets were empty. 293 00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:00,191 A man usually has something in his pockets. 294 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,401 Are we almost finished? 295 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,070 Yeah, that'll do it for me. 296 00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,114 Unless, of course, you want to view the remains. 297 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,449 -No! -No... 298 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:09,826 No, I think we'd prefer 299 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,704 to remember Uncle Charlie the way we saw him last. 300 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,831 -In one piece. -Yeah. 301 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,958 Oh, but listen, if it's okay, 302 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,793 we would like to arrange for a decent burial 303 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,045 right here in town. 304 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,881 Normally, that would be the procedure. 305 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,801 But you see, there's a flag on this play. 306 00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:31,848 You're not the first people to lay claim to John Doe. 307 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,391 You're not even the second. 308 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,560 You're the third. 309 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,022 What are we going to do now? 310 00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:41,775 Guess you'll have to take a number. 311 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:52,952 [Frank] Oh! Oh, Sunny, that is so good. 312 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,412 Oh, yeah, right there. 313 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:59,209 Oh, don't stop! Oh oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 314 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:02,629 Maybe we should just forget it and go home. 315 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,214 Oh, now that would not be fair 316 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,758 to the memory of Uncle Charlie, hon. 317 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,636 I mean, the man spent three long years living with us. 318 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:12,222 At no time did he ever say forget it and go home. 319 00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:13,598 He didn't have a home. 320 00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:14,849 I know. 321 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,142 And if we can't pay the rent, 322 00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,352 we're not gonna have one, either. 323 00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:18,645 Oh, that is the spot. 324 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,398 That...yes. 325 00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,525 [Frank ]You know, honey, it's just that 326 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:26,277 if it was only one other person identifying the body, 327 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,321 I would say, "Yeah, okay, we gave it our best shot. 328 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:30,031 Let's hit the trail." 329 00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:33,284 But two other people making different identifications? 330 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,869 Uh-uh. 331 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,538 Only one of those people can be telling the truth. 332 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:38,665 Which means the odds are both of them are lying. 333 00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:40,125 And we aren't? 334 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,835 Listen, hon, 335 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,545 would you roll me over and get me a shirt, please? 336 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,176 What are you gonna do now? 337 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:53,388 Oh, well, first, I'm gonna try to get up. 338 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,181 And then, I'm gonna go look for a man 339 00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,726 whose name I read upside down on the sheriff's desk. 340 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,981 [men singing] 341 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,370 [whooping] 342 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:27,756 [chuckling] Hi. 343 00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:33,344 Say, I was told I could find a Mr. Bart Mahoney in here. 344 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,930 Yeah, well, that depends on who wants to find him. 345 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,267 Mr. Mahoney. 346 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,477 I think this'll explain it. 347 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,022 Yeah, let's see. 348 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:46,900 Private eye, huh? 349 00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:48,109 Frank Albertson. 350 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,778 Well, what can we do for you? 351 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,865 What do you know about a man called John Doe 352 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867 who got himself hit by a train? 353 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,621 Well, I do know that it rearranged him pretty good. 354 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:00,705 [laughs] 355 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,081 What are you drinking? 356 00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,458 Beer, just beer. 357 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:05,043 Hey, Jake. 358 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,753 Draw one for my friend here. 359 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,713 Mr. Mahoney, according to my information, 360 00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,381 you identified the body. 361 00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:13,510 Well, that's right. His name was Roper Bailey. 362 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,470 Everyone here knew old Roper, right guys? 363 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,305 You all knew old Roper? 364 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,516 Yeah, except for you. 365 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,935 Roper was a devoted father and a sole provider 366 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,396 for his grieving daughter, Marcia Mae, my client. 367 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,399 And would your client happen to be the railroad 368 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,235 or the train that ran him down? 369 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,116 You're gonna sue, right? 370 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,326 Well, let me put it to you this way. 371 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:41,079 That signal light was out of order 372 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,539 at the nearest crossing 373 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,250 when Roper decided to take a shortcut home. 374 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,169 I mean, now how was he to know that there was a freight train 375 00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,630 roaring down the track behind him, huh? 376 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:53,049 The light was only part of that signal. 377 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,259 There was a bell. 378 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,762 Did I fail to mention Roper was deaf? 379 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,974 He lost his hearing when he was a rodeo performer. 380 00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:02,851 Some ornery bull went and just tossed him, 381 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,561 went right on his head. 382 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,938 Boy, it sounds like all your bases are covered. 383 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,690 Well, you see, by not replacing 384 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,400 that signal light at the crossing, 385 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,695 the railroad as good as murdered that fine man. 386 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:16,781 That hardworking, that decent and loving daddy 387 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:20,660 of that tragic little orphan girl, Marcia Mae Bailey. 388 00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,831 John Doe's face is gone, 389 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:26,666 and most of his body is torn up, too. 390 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,294 Now how is little Marcia Mae gonna prove that 391 00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:30,503 that's her daddy? 392 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:31,963 Well, now, don't you think 393 00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:34,215 if a child says it's her daddy, 394 00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:36,593 a jury of honest, decent folks 395 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,722 with honest, decent feelings is gonna call her a liar? 396 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:44,142 Son, you sure got a warped view of our legal system. 397 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:49,981 [Frank] Damn! 398 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,359 Frank, what's wrong? 399 00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:54,485 Didn't you find him? 400 00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:56,487 Yeah, I found him. 401 00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,698 Bart Mahoney, the local shyster. 402 00:19:58,781 --> 00:19:59,908 The man's a toad. 403 00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:04,203 Calm down. 404 00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:06,748 -It's not that bad. -Yes, it is. 405 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,666 The man's trying to steal our stiff! 406 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:11,252 Poor baby. 407 00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:13,504 -You need a nap. -No, I don't. 408 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,757 You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said. 409 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,966 He's got this client and he's going to... 410 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:25,975 Wrong number. 411 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,810 Mr. Albertson? Sheriff Ten Eyck. 412 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,899 Hello, sheriff. 413 00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:36,110 I just got a call from Bart Mahoney. 414 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,695 He said you met him a little while ago. 415 00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:41,032 I bumped into him, yes. 416 00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:43,034 Yeah, well, he's kind of peeved about that. 417 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,036 Said you told him you worked for the railroad. 418 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:46,663 I gave him my card. 419 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,665 Yeah, but you didn't tell him 420 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,917 you were laying claim to John Doe. 421 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,043 He didn't ask. 422 00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:53,836 Look, sheriff, if... 423 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,505 You come on down to my office in about ten minutes. 424 00:20:55,630 --> 00:20:58,925 I want you to meet a little lady that might be a kin of yours. 425 00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,932 I just thought it was time that the two of you 426 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:08,351 and Tillie Bascomb here got together. 427 00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,560 Why, sheriff? 428 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,145 Well, with you claiming that 429 00:21:11,229 --> 00:21:13,815 John Doe is your uncle Charlie, 430 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,650 Ms. Bascomb claiming it's her husband... 431 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:19,654 that would make her your aunt Tillie. 432 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,406 Do you happen to have a picture 433 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:22,615 of your Uncle Charlie, by any chance? 434 00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:24,325 I have. 435 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,369 Do you still have that snapshot of Mort? 436 00:21:29,664 --> 00:21:30,957 This is Uncle Charlie. 437 00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:35,086 And this is Mort. 438 00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:36,796 That's not Uncle Charlie. 439 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,132 I can't tell anything from this. 440 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:40,675 It's so blurred, 441 00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:42,844 the sailor doesn't even have any features. 442 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:44,554 Neither did John Doe. 443 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,682 That didn't keep you from swearing that 444 00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:49,350 it was Mort. 445 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:51,853 Well, it just has to be. 446 00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:53,980 My husband has insomnia. 447 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,690 Many a night he took long walks 448 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:58,484 so that he could make himself sleep better. 449 00:21:58,568 --> 00:22:00,319 On the railroad tracks? 450 00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:01,487 Well, why not? 451 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:03,364 They're not far from our house. 452 00:22:03,448 --> 00:22:05,366 It's quiet and peaceful there. 453 00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:06,617 Safer, too. 454 00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:08,369 Easier to spot rattlesnakes 455 00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:10,997 when they crawl out of the brush onto the tracks. 456 00:22:11,122 --> 00:22:13,082 Oh, yuck! 457 00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:14,792 Ms. Bascomb, 458 00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:17,336 what was your husband doing hopscotching rattlers 459 00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:19,797 in the moonlight without any ID in his pockets? 460 00:22:19,922 --> 00:22:22,383 Well, I'm sure that he had his wallet 461 00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,218 when he left the house. 462 00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:26,554 I have no idea what happened to it. 463 00:22:28,431 --> 00:22:33,144 Unless the train's velocity whipped it out of his pocket. 464 00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:34,771 Yeah. 465 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,647 Well, then it's still probably there. 466 00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:38,900 Sheriff, I suggest we organize a search party 467 00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:40,485 to comb that area of the tracks. 468 00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,403 My deputy's gone over that ground. 469 00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:43,905 He didn't find anything. 470 00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:47,158 Why would you want to search for her husband's wallet? 471 00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,786 Well, I believe John Doe is my uncle Charlie. 472 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:52,163 But if he's not, I'd like to find out the truth 473 00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:53,706 so I can get on with my life. 474 00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:54,916 If that's all right with you, sheriff? 475 00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:58,795 Well, it would be, 476 00:22:58,878 --> 00:23:01,297 except I only got two deputies available. 477 00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:03,800 And we spent a lot of hours out there the first time. 478 00:23:05,510 --> 00:23:08,387 Hey, does Huckabee have a Pony League baseball team? 479 00:23:08,513 --> 00:23:10,223 Sure does. 480 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,933 My son-in-law is the coach. 481 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,936 Think they might like to make a few extra bucks? 482 00:23:15,019 --> 00:23:17,063 What kid wouldn't? 483 00:23:17,146 --> 00:23:18,272 I'll have them turn out at sun up. 484 00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,483 [bullfrogs croaking] 485 00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:33,287 -[Sunny screams] -What? 486 00:23:33,371 --> 00:23:34,705 I'm sure I saw something slither. 487 00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:36,415 -Did it rattle? -I don't think so. 488 00:23:36,499 --> 00:23:38,084 Well, when it rattles, let me know. 489 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,336 Look, here's a good place to start. 490 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:41,254 Shine the light in here. 491 00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:44,507 All right. 492 00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:46,968 First the monogrammed cigar clipper. 493 00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,595 [grunts] 494 00:23:49,679 --> 00:23:52,473 They want proof, 495 00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:53,766 we'll give them proof. 496 00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:03,234 Well, having salted the railroad tracks 497 00:24:03,317 --> 00:24:06,320 with Uncle Charlie's last few remaining possessions, 498 00:24:06,404 --> 00:24:08,364 Frank approached the following morning's search 499 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,366 with ill-concealed enthusiasm. 500 00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:13,578 [Jessica] His joy was short-lived. 501 00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:15,371 The Huckabee Hornets had problems 502 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,373 hitting the curve ball and the fastball, 503 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:20,084 and they weren't all that good at judging pop-ups. 504 00:24:20,168 --> 00:24:21,627 They were definitely not very good 505 00:24:21,711 --> 00:24:23,546 at finding the obvious. 506 00:24:31,596 --> 00:24:33,306 How come she doesn't sweat? 507 00:24:37,310 --> 00:24:38,144 Tillie. 508 00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,774 You shouldn't be out in this heat. 509 00:24:43,858 --> 00:24:45,276 Let me take you back to the office. 510 00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:49,447 I want to stay. 511 00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:52,200 They're looking for Mort's wallet. 512 00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:55,036 Yeah, well, they should have found that days ago. 513 00:24:58,206 --> 00:25:01,042 Who's the man with Mrs. Bascomb, sheriff? 514 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:04,253 That's her cousin, Jerry Wilbur. 515 00:25:04,337 --> 00:25:06,297 Works for her husband's microchip company. 516 00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:08,799 Matter of fact, he's been running it 517 00:25:08,883 --> 00:25:10,343 ever since Mort disappeared. 518 00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,805 [bird squawking] 519 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,028 Ed, 520 00:25:29,111 --> 00:25:31,030 I object to this high-handed, 521 00:25:31,113 --> 00:25:33,699 unauthorized trampling of the scene of the crime. 522 00:25:33,783 --> 00:25:36,410 Yeah? What crime is that? 523 00:25:36,494 --> 00:25:39,705 Well, the railroad's gross negligence 524 00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:41,958 in the untimely death of Roper Bailey. 525 00:25:42,083 --> 00:25:43,542 Roper Bailey? 526 00:25:43,626 --> 00:25:44,752 That old drunk? 527 00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:48,130 Oh, wait a second now, that dead old drunk. 528 00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:49,340 [sheriff] Just zip it up, Bart. 529 00:25:49,465 --> 00:25:51,592 You ain't talking to no jury now. 530 00:25:51,676 --> 00:25:53,469 I authorized this search. 531 00:25:53,594 --> 00:25:55,054 Mr. Mahoney, hi. 532 00:25:55,137 --> 00:25:56,597 So glad you could make it. 533 00:25:56,681 --> 00:25:57,598 Where is your client? 534 00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:10,361 Oh, wow! 535 00:26:12,989 --> 00:26:14,365 Bart! 536 00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:16,450 Why do I have to sit, in that refrigerator 537 00:26:16,534 --> 00:26:18,286 freezing my butt off? 538 00:26:18,411 --> 00:26:19,745 Morning, Marcia Mae. 539 00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:25,334 So that's poor, tragic little Marcia Mae 540 00:26:25,418 --> 00:26:27,253 who's gonna make a jury weep, huh? 541 00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:28,546 Damn it! 542 00:26:31,299 --> 00:26:32,925 I told you to wait in the car! 543 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:35,553 Ouch! 544 00:26:35,636 --> 00:26:36,637 [kid] Hey, sheriff, 545 00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:37,680 I found something over here. 546 00:26:39,307 --> 00:26:41,350 Hey, we found something! 547 00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:43,394 -They found Mort's wallet. -Sheriff, look at this. 548 00:26:43,477 --> 00:26:44,937 I found something, too, sheriff! 549 00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:49,066 How many wallets did they find out there? 550 00:26:55,281 --> 00:26:56,157 This is what we got, sir. 551 00:27:04,749 --> 00:27:06,917 [Frank] It's too bad those kids handled all that stuff. 552 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,628 Now we can't get any clear fingerprints. 553 00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:11,422 There's an inscription in the watch that says, 554 00:27:11,505 --> 00:27:14,258 "To Charlie with love from Liz." 555 00:27:14,342 --> 00:27:15,343 Mm-hmm. 556 00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:23,059 "CKA". 557 00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:30,107 "CKA". 558 00:27:32,485 --> 00:27:35,738 "Charles Kenneth Albertson." 559 00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:37,698 Uncle Charlie. 560 00:27:47,041 --> 00:27:48,167 I was just wondering 561 00:27:48,292 --> 00:27:49,794 how many things I had in my pocket 562 00:27:49,877 --> 00:27:50,961 with my initials on them. 563 00:27:52,713 --> 00:27:53,589 The answer is none. 564 00:27:55,633 --> 00:27:57,426 Well, you know, 565 00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:59,678 Uncle Charlie was having a lot of trouble with his memory. 566 00:27:59,762 --> 00:28:02,932 And I guess he felt it needed to be primed a bit. 567 00:28:03,015 --> 00:28:04,016 Uh-huh. 568 00:28:07,269 --> 00:28:10,398 So all of this stuff just flew out of his pockets 569 00:28:10,481 --> 00:28:11,482 when the train hit him. 570 00:28:12,775 --> 00:28:14,276 Well, what other explanation is there? 571 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:20,241 See, my deputies searched up and down that track 572 00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:23,077 right after the body was discovered, 573 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,121 and they didn't find diddley-squat. 574 00:28:25,246 --> 00:28:29,959 Well, you know how kids are, they never miss a thing. 575 00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:31,627 Their eyes are so sharp 576 00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:33,921 and they're so close to the ground. 577 00:28:44,223 --> 00:28:46,725 Look, sheriff, I don't mean to hurry you, 578 00:28:46,809 --> 00:28:50,396 but we are getting just a bit concerned about the fact 579 00:28:50,521 --> 00:28:53,524 that Uncle Charlie has not been buried yet. 580 00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:03,325 [sheriff clears throat] 581 00:29:06,912 --> 00:29:07,913 All right. 582 00:29:11,125 --> 00:29:13,669 Take this over to Jack Yamoto. He's the coroner. 583 00:29:15,004 --> 00:29:17,423 He'll give you a proper death certificate, 584 00:29:17,548 --> 00:29:20,342 and he'll turn over your uncle to you. 585 00:29:20,426 --> 00:29:21,552 Thank you, sheriff. 586 00:29:21,677 --> 00:29:22,845 Thank you for all your help. 587 00:29:25,639 --> 00:29:27,308 Appreciate it. 588 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:28,976 Uncle Charlie thanks you, too. 589 00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:37,902 The first thing you have to do is get rid of that car. 590 00:29:37,985 --> 00:29:39,445 It's a ghastly color. 591 00:29:39,528 --> 00:29:42,072 It's a detective's car, honey, nondescript. 592 00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:43,574 What are you gonna buy with the inheritance? 593 00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:45,326 A brown Ferrari? 594 00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:47,203 No, a red one, 'cause I'm out of the business. 595 00:29:49,163 --> 00:29:51,040 [door closes] 596 00:29:51,123 --> 00:29:52,249 Mr. And Mrs. Albertson? 597 00:29:52,374 --> 00:29:53,292 Yes, we are. 598 00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:54,502 The coroner's expecting you. 599 00:29:54,585 --> 00:29:56,795 He had to step out for just a moment. 600 00:29:56,879 --> 00:29:57,713 You may wait in his office. 601 00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:02,760 -Oh, you're Mr. Ainsley. -Well, yes. 602 00:30:02,885 --> 00:30:04,470 How did you know? 603 00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:06,222 I'm good with names. 604 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:07,890 Stick around and she'll guess your weight. 605 00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:09,975 Excuse me. 606 00:30:11,519 --> 00:30:13,020 I'm sorry. 607 00:30:13,103 --> 00:30:14,355 I heard his voice, and that's the first thing 608 00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:15,856 that popped into my head. 609 00:30:15,940 --> 00:30:17,775 We are too close to screw it up now. 610 00:30:17,900 --> 00:30:19,610 What if he recognized my voice? 611 00:30:19,693 --> 00:30:22,112 He didn't, he just thinks you're weird. 612 00:30:22,238 --> 00:30:24,156 And so do I. 613 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,866 Hey, look. 614 00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:27,076 [screams] 615 00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:28,285 [laughs] 616 00:30:28,369 --> 00:30:29,787 That's Junior. 617 00:30:29,870 --> 00:30:31,372 He died 100 years ago out in the desert. 618 00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:32,456 Hello, I'm Jack Yamoto. 619 00:30:32,540 --> 00:30:33,666 Hey, Jack. 620 00:30:33,791 --> 00:30:35,501 Frank Albertson, and my wife, Sunny. 621 00:30:35,584 --> 00:30:36,919 Glad to meet you. 622 00:30:37,002 --> 00:30:40,339 And I have this from the sheriff for you. 623 00:30:40,464 --> 00:30:42,716 -Okay, please, be seated. -Thank you. 624 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,510 No, no, not you-- I want you seated at my desk. 625 00:30:44,593 --> 00:30:46,303 I've got some documents for your signature here. 626 00:30:46,387 --> 00:30:47,888 Okay. 627 00:30:47,972 --> 00:30:51,475 Now, sign each of these here, here, and here. 628 00:30:51,559 --> 00:30:52,393 You got it. 629 00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:55,437 [Yamoto] That's one down. 630 00:30:55,563 --> 00:30:57,898 [Frank] Why do I feel like I'm buying a car, Jack? 631 00:30:57,982 --> 00:31:00,359 [Yamoto chuckling] That's good. 632 00:31:00,442 --> 00:31:01,443 [gasps] 633 00:31:02,736 --> 00:31:03,821 Thank you, Mr. Albertson. 634 00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:05,406 Oh! Here's a card 635 00:31:05,489 --> 00:31:07,366 for the Bright Haven Mortuary and Cemetery-- 636 00:31:07,449 --> 00:31:09,201 They'll treat you right. 637 00:31:09,285 --> 00:31:10,619 Mention my name and they'll give you a deal on a coffin. 638 00:31:10,703 --> 00:31:12,162 You can also get a bargain plot, too, 639 00:31:12,246 --> 00:31:14,164 if you don't mind the sunny side of a hill. 640 00:31:14,248 --> 00:31:16,625 Oh, Uncle Charlie loved to lay out. 641 00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:18,127 [Yamoto] Oh, he'll be laid out for a good long time. 642 00:31:20,129 --> 00:31:21,797 Here's a copy of the death certificate 643 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,257 for Charles Kenneth Albertson. 644 00:31:23,340 --> 00:31:24,758 I'll have the mortuary arrange 645 00:31:24,842 --> 00:31:26,677 for the picking up of the remains, and... 646 00:31:26,802 --> 00:31:28,262 do you want flowers? 647 00:31:28,345 --> 00:31:29,888 No, thank you, 648 00:31:29,972 --> 00:31:32,182 but Uncle Charlie had an allergy. 649 00:31:32,266 --> 00:31:34,810 So, no flowers. 650 00:31:37,771 --> 00:31:39,565 In a hurry, are you, Mr. Albertson? 651 00:31:41,025 --> 00:31:44,236 Well, yes, sheriff, we have a funeral to arrange. 652 00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:47,698 Just after you left my office, 653 00:31:47,781 --> 00:31:50,951 I got a phone call from Sheriff Walldecker 654 00:31:51,035 --> 00:31:52,244 over in Dry Flats. 655 00:31:53,787 --> 00:31:56,457 His deputy brought in a vagrant last night. 656 00:31:56,540 --> 00:31:58,709 Seems that this vagrant 657 00:31:58,792 --> 00:32:01,378 had found a very expensive-looking wallet, 658 00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:03,881 about $200 in it. 659 00:32:05,758 --> 00:32:06,634 -A wallet? -Mm-hmm. 660 00:32:07,968 --> 00:32:09,303 Says he found it 661 00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:12,723 by the railroad track near Huckabee, 662 00:32:12,806 --> 00:32:13,807 right after the accident. 663 00:32:15,184 --> 00:32:17,645 The fellow's name in the wallet was Mort Bascomb. 664 00:32:18,812 --> 00:32:21,148 We know that 'cause he had his name on his driver's license 665 00:32:21,231 --> 00:32:24,610 and about a dozen credit cards. 666 00:32:24,693 --> 00:32:28,113 See, what I don't understand now, sir, 667 00:32:28,197 --> 00:32:31,867 is if John Doe is Mort Bascomb, 668 00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:33,744 how is it your uncle Charlie's belongings 669 00:32:33,827 --> 00:32:35,996 are scattered all over the landscape out there? 670 00:32:38,540 --> 00:32:41,377 Would you turn around, sir? Appreciate it. 671 00:32:43,962 --> 00:32:48,133 Honey, this isn't going to look good on your résumé. 672 00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:51,387 [Frank] Wait, don't I even get to call a lawyer? 673 00:32:51,470 --> 00:32:54,390 Well, there ain't but one in town. 674 00:32:54,473 --> 00:32:56,016 -Bart Mahoney? -Yeah. 675 00:32:56,100 --> 00:32:58,352 Well, you can call him if you want to. 676 00:32:58,435 --> 00:33:01,980 Strikes me as a conflict of interest. 677 00:33:02,064 --> 00:33:03,148 Look, sheriff, you've gotta believe me, 678 00:33:03,232 --> 00:33:04,400 this is flim-flam. 679 00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:06,985 That-that wallet was planted. 680 00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,238 -Is that so? -Yeah. 681 00:33:09,363 --> 00:33:10,823 Well, whose word are you gonna take, 682 00:33:10,906 --> 00:33:13,575 mine or some wallet-stealing vagrant's? 683 00:33:13,701 --> 00:33:15,411 Supper's at six. 684 00:33:15,494 --> 00:33:18,163 We're having pork chops, mashed potatoes, 685 00:33:18,247 --> 00:33:19,248 rice pudding for dessert. 686 00:33:21,458 --> 00:33:22,876 Hey, wait a minute! 687 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:27,589 Sheriff I know my rights! 688 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,059 Hi, I'm Al Capone. 689 00:33:41,311 --> 00:33:42,771 You can't have my shoes. 690 00:33:42,896 --> 00:33:45,566 Well, you can't have mine, either. 691 00:33:45,649 --> 00:33:47,735 You want to shake on that, or wait for contracts? 692 00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,653 You're a wise guy, ain't you? 693 00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:54,533 Yeah, when I'm nervous or scared. 694 00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:55,951 Right now, I'm both. 695 00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:58,787 Hell, kid, I won't hurt you. 696 00:33:58,871 --> 00:33:59,997 I'm Clarence. 697 00:34:00,122 --> 00:34:02,249 Hi. Frank. 698 00:34:02,374 --> 00:34:04,960 You said you was Al. 699 00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:06,336 It's an alias. 700 00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:11,800 [paper rustling] 701 00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:19,433 Why are you stuffing paper into your shoes? 702 00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:20,517 They're too big. 703 00:34:22,436 --> 00:34:23,395 What would you stuff in them? 704 00:34:27,816 --> 00:34:29,860 What would you do if they were too small? 705 00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:32,905 Then I wouldn't be able to wear them, would I? 706 00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:35,365 What a dummy! 707 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:37,910 A dumb dummy! 708 00:34:40,037 --> 00:34:41,246 Dummy! 709 00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:49,254 Hey! Hey, sheriff! 710 00:34:50,339 --> 00:34:52,549 Run that by me again 711 00:34:52,633 --> 00:34:55,093 I said, if he was knocked out of his shoes 712 00:34:55,177 --> 00:34:56,637 and dragged by the train, 713 00:34:56,720 --> 00:34:58,514 the shoes would be 100 yards down the track, 714 00:34:58,597 --> 00:35:00,641 not laying beside him. 715 00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:02,267 They were left there to make it look like 716 00:35:02,351 --> 00:35:04,645 he was walking on the tracks. 717 00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:06,396 And then he was probably dumped on the tracks 718 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,148 just before the train was due. 719 00:35:08,232 --> 00:35:09,650 That train comes through 720 00:35:09,733 --> 00:35:11,109 about the same time every night, doesn't it? 721 00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:12,694 Yeah, but... 722 00:35:12,820 --> 00:35:14,404 Okay, that's when the killer noticed 723 00:35:14,488 --> 00:35:16,865 that John Doe was in his stocking feet. 724 00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,534 So he took off his own shoes, 725 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:22,037 intending to put them on John Doe's feet. 726 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,039 But the shoes were too small. 727 00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,250 He couldn't jam John Doe's feet into them. 728 00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:29,461 But the victim had to have shoes. 729 00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:31,505 That's when he decided to move back from the tracks 730 00:35:31,588 --> 00:35:35,008 and just let the train rumble over poor John Doe. 731 00:35:35,092 --> 00:35:36,635 And then after the train was gone, 732 00:35:36,718 --> 00:35:38,804 he left the shoes with the torn-up body. 733 00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:54,486 Thanks. 734 00:35:59,783 --> 00:36:01,326 He's right. 735 00:36:01,410 --> 00:36:03,412 The shoe's too small. 736 00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:04,538 It was murder. 737 00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,798 [barman] That Mahoney's a blow-hard. 738 00:36:14,882 --> 00:36:16,633 Always was, even in high school. 739 00:36:18,010 --> 00:36:19,678 Yeah, I noticed when I was in here before 740 00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:21,346 you had trouble keeping a straight face 741 00:36:21,430 --> 00:36:23,348 when he was spouting off. 742 00:36:23,432 --> 00:36:25,017 Yeah, I been thinking about getting me a pair of earplugs 743 00:36:25,100 --> 00:36:26,435 and sticking them in every time 744 00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:27,853 I see Mahoney walk through that door. 745 00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:30,355 Yeah, you really turned off 746 00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:33,108 when he started talking about Roper Bailey. 747 00:36:34,693 --> 00:36:36,904 He's little Marcia Mae's missing daddy, right? 748 00:36:38,572 --> 00:36:41,283 Yeah, Roper's Marcia's daddy. 749 00:36:42,451 --> 00:36:46,246 All that stuff about Roper Bailey being 750 00:36:46,330 --> 00:36:47,915 Marcia Mae's sole provider... 751 00:36:50,334 --> 00:36:53,545 that's USDA, prime bull. 752 00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:57,257 Marcia Mae's been providing for herself 753 00:36:57,341 --> 00:36:59,885 since she was 16 years old with no problem. 754 00:37:00,010 --> 00:37:04,139 -Mahoney know about that? -[laughs] 755 00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:06,850 [barman] Who do you think pays her rent? 756 00:37:06,934 --> 00:37:08,101 Bart Mahoney, that's who. 757 00:37:08,185 --> 00:37:09,311 And her grocery bill, too. 758 00:37:09,436 --> 00:37:11,647 See, bartending ain't all I do. 759 00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:13,899 I got me a little grocery store. 760 00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:16,860 And Marcia Mae, she does all her food shopping there. 761 00:37:16,944 --> 00:37:18,654 See, she lives right across the street. 762 00:37:18,737 --> 00:37:21,031 You know, she never pulls her blinds down. 763 00:37:21,114 --> 00:37:22,199 That girl's some piece of work. 764 00:37:22,282 --> 00:37:23,784 I'll bet. 765 00:37:23,867 --> 00:37:26,119 So she does her food shopping at your store. 766 00:37:26,203 --> 00:37:27,287 Yeah. 767 00:37:27,371 --> 00:37:28,538 She always buys the same stuff. 768 00:37:28,622 --> 00:37:30,999 She buys diet soda for herself, 769 00:37:31,083 --> 00:37:32,793 she buys Mexican beer for her daddy. 770 00:37:32,876 --> 00:37:34,419 She buys chewing gum for herself, 771 00:37:34,503 --> 00:37:36,505 she buys chewing tobacco for her daddy. 772 00:37:37,422 --> 00:37:39,007 You know, it's been five days 773 00:37:39,091 --> 00:37:41,802 since they found old John Doe out on the tracks. 774 00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:44,054 Mr. Bart Mahoney, big-brain lawyer, 775 00:37:44,137 --> 00:37:45,973 well, he's saying that 776 00:37:46,098 --> 00:37:49,810 John Doe is none other than Roper Bailey his self. 777 00:37:49,893 --> 00:37:51,019 That is purely bogus. 778 00:37:51,144 --> 00:37:52,729 You know that for a fact? 779 00:37:52,854 --> 00:37:54,564 What I know is that 780 00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:57,818 Marcia Mae come into my food store yesterday. 781 00:37:57,901 --> 00:37:59,277 You want to guess what she bought? 782 00:38:02,864 --> 00:38:04,908 Mexican beer and chewing tobacco? 783 00:38:06,868 --> 00:38:08,203 Son, you win the worm 784 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:09,705 in the bottom of the bottle of tequila. 785 00:38:18,046 --> 00:38:19,423 [Sunny] I was in the store this morning 786 00:38:19,506 --> 00:38:21,341 and saw her make the purchases. 787 00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:22,551 This is the receipt. 788 00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:23,885 Today's date, 789 00:38:23,969 --> 00:38:25,345 along with a list of what she bought, 790 00:38:25,470 --> 00:38:29,099 including Mexican beer and chewing tobacco, 791 00:38:29,182 --> 00:38:31,893 and Marcia Mae's signature and charge number. 792 00:38:32,019 --> 00:38:32,978 Uh-huh. 793 00:38:34,271 --> 00:38:35,897 I'll tell you what this proves. 794 00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:39,818 If we find Roper Bailey in Marcia Mae's attic 795 00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:42,988 with a six-pack and a spittoon, 796 00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:45,615 she didn't have no reason to kill John Doe. 797 00:38:46,783 --> 00:38:48,994 See, I don't think Mahoney thought up his scheme 798 00:38:49,077 --> 00:38:50,328 to defraud the insurance company 799 00:38:50,412 --> 00:38:52,748 until he read that story in the newspaper 800 00:38:52,831 --> 00:38:55,167 and realized, "Hey, nobody's claiming John Doe." 801 00:38:55,292 --> 00:38:57,127 Could be. 802 00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:59,254 He arrived the same day you did. 803 00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:01,298 Which leaves the widow Bascomb. 804 00:39:01,423 --> 00:39:02,507 Yeah, but why? 805 00:39:02,632 --> 00:39:04,342 Maybe they weren't getting along 806 00:39:04,426 --> 00:39:06,261 and she would have lost too much to a divorce. 807 00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,305 You did say something about a microchip company. 808 00:39:08,430 --> 00:39:10,640 Yeah. 809 00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:15,395 A small company, large government contracts. 810 00:39:15,479 --> 00:39:17,314 And now Tillie gets it all. 811 00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:20,358 With her cousin Jerry, the hunk, in charge. 812 00:39:22,611 --> 00:39:24,529 [knocking on door] 813 00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:29,493 Who is it? 814 00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:33,413 Sheriff Ten Eyck, ma'am. 815 00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:37,125 Like to ask you a couple of questions. 816 00:39:37,209 --> 00:39:38,335 You get out! 817 00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:39,503 Get out of here! 818 00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:41,880 What? What? 819 00:39:41,963 --> 00:39:45,217 [stammering] What is this, a police state? 820 00:39:45,842 --> 00:39:48,553 You just can't barge into a lady's bedroom. 821 00:39:49,638 --> 00:39:51,932 Looks like Jerry's a kissing cousin. 822 00:39:52,015 --> 00:39:53,517 At the very least. 823 00:39:53,642 --> 00:39:54,935 Now you just listen to me, 824 00:39:55,018 --> 00:39:56,561 before I get a little bit testy. 825 00:39:57,979 --> 00:40:00,273 I want to talk to you about your husband's murder. 826 00:40:01,650 --> 00:40:03,235 Just whose idea was it? 827 00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:05,695 I told you we wouldn't get away with this! 828 00:40:05,779 --> 00:40:07,781 Didn't I tell you that? 829 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:09,699 You idiot! 830 00:40:09,783 --> 00:40:11,535 Well, I didn't kill anybody. 831 00:40:11,618 --> 00:40:13,370 I didn't kill anybody! 832 00:40:13,453 --> 00:40:15,664 He killed him! He killed my husband. 833 00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:17,666 Excuse me, ma'am, would you mind... 834 00:40:17,749 --> 00:40:18,750 appreciate it. 835 00:40:20,669 --> 00:40:22,337 Didn't you hear me? 836 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,839 He killed Mort! 837 00:40:25,048 --> 00:40:28,426 Yes, ma'am, I heard you. 838 00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:31,096 And you know what, he buried him in the backyard! 839 00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:34,724 [sobbing] 840 00:40:34,808 --> 00:40:36,143 Oh, God! 841 00:40:52,951 --> 00:40:54,536 That's Mort Bascomb all right. 842 00:40:55,579 --> 00:40:58,748 But, Frank, if that's Mort, then who's John Doe? 843 00:41:03,044 --> 00:41:04,880 [sheriff] According to Tillie's confession-- 844 00:41:04,963 --> 00:41:08,466 27 pages, the longest I've ever seen-- 845 00:41:08,550 --> 00:41:11,094 She talked her second cousin, once-removed, 846 00:41:11,178 --> 00:41:13,513 Jerry Wilbur, into killing Mort 847 00:41:13,597 --> 00:41:15,891 so they could take over his business. 848 00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:17,267 They didn't decide to get married 849 00:41:17,350 --> 00:41:19,352 until a lot later. 850 00:41:19,436 --> 00:41:21,229 But the trouble is, she had told people 851 00:41:21,313 --> 00:41:22,689 that Mort was on a business trip. 852 00:41:23,982 --> 00:41:25,358 She couldn't very well dig him up 853 00:41:25,442 --> 00:41:27,360 with three .38's in him. 854 00:41:27,444 --> 00:41:30,405 So they decided to claim your John Doe as Mort 855 00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:32,908 so that Tillie could go public as a widow. 856 00:41:32,991 --> 00:41:35,911 And after a decent interval, she'd be able to remarry. 857 00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:38,747 But how did Mort's wallet get next to the railroad tracks? 858 00:41:38,872 --> 00:41:42,042 Well, Jerry put it there so my deputies would find it, 859 00:41:42,125 --> 00:41:47,255 and I would take it that Mort was John Doe. 860 00:41:47,339 --> 00:41:52,385 But the bum found it first. Well, son, 861 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:54,721 looks like you're the only claimant left. 862 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,141 You know, about that, sheriff... 863 00:41:58,225 --> 00:41:59,351 [sheriff] Well, the fact is, 864 00:41:59,476 --> 00:42:01,436 I'm sick and tired of all this business. 865 00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:05,649 So, if you want him, you can have him. 866 00:42:05,732 --> 00:42:07,192 We can? 867 00:42:07,275 --> 00:42:08,401 Honey, did you hear that? 868 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,071 We can have Uncle Charlie. 869 00:42:11,196 --> 00:42:14,783 I still have some strong doubts about that, 870 00:42:15,492 --> 00:42:19,079 but you did give the best description. 871 00:42:19,204 --> 00:42:22,582 And it'll save the county the expense of a burial. 872 00:42:22,666 --> 00:42:26,086 So I'm gonna give you back this death certificate 873 00:42:26,169 --> 00:42:27,963 I took away from you. 874 00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:30,882 I suggest a brief ceremony and a quick departure. 875 00:42:34,177 --> 00:42:35,762 Be sure and shut the door on your way out. 876 00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:38,848 [both groaning with relief] 877 00:42:38,932 --> 00:42:40,016 [Frank] Hello, house. 878 00:42:41,393 --> 00:42:43,436 I am going to bed and sleeping for a week. 879 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:45,146 And you, young lady, 880 00:42:45,230 --> 00:42:47,941 are more than welcome to join me as long as you promise 881 00:42:48,024 --> 00:42:50,443 not to touch me for the next 168 hours. 882 00:42:50,527 --> 00:42:51,778 Mm-hmm. 883 00:42:53,446 --> 00:42:55,865 Call the lawyer first. 884 00:42:55,949 --> 00:42:57,200 Oh, honey, it's Detroit. 885 00:42:57,284 --> 00:42:59,119 It's too late, he won't be up. 886 00:42:59,202 --> 00:43:01,454 I know, but leave a message on his machine 887 00:43:01,538 --> 00:43:04,374 and tell him Uncle Charlie had a lovely funeral. 888 00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:05,667 All right. 889 00:43:06,876 --> 00:43:08,003 [glass breaking] 890 00:43:31,151 --> 00:43:32,277 Uncle Charlie! 891 00:43:32,402 --> 00:43:34,863 -[Sunny screaming] -Shh! 892 00:43:34,946 --> 00:43:36,489 If I knew you were gonna make a fuss like that, 893 00:43:36,573 --> 00:43:37,699 I wouldn't have come back, 894 00:43:37,824 --> 00:43:40,035 I'm looking for my stuff I left here. 895 00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:43,621 My gold watch, my cigar clipper, 896 00:43:43,705 --> 00:43:45,332 my lucky dice, 897 00:43:45,415 --> 00:43:46,499 my dog tags. 898 00:43:46,583 --> 00:43:48,001 Where the hell have you been? 899 00:43:48,084 --> 00:43:49,586 We gave you up for dead. 900 00:43:49,711 --> 00:43:51,421 Oh, yeah? 901 00:43:51,504 --> 00:43:54,174 Hey, I still got a few good years left in me. 902 00:43:54,299 --> 00:43:56,301 I got to use the john. 903 00:43:57,594 --> 00:44:00,555 That's funny. That's funny. 904 00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,807 Yeah, that's funny. 905 00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,434 But Uncle Charlie is dead. 906 00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:07,604 He's--I have the death certificate right here. 907 00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:09,522 No, Frank. 908 00:44:09,606 --> 00:44:12,067 But you can't kill a man twice. 909 00:44:12,150 --> 00:44:14,694 That's all I'm saying, is no one would ever know. 910 00:44:14,778 --> 00:44:16,446 You're not serious? 911 00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:22,660 No, of course I'm not serious. 912 00:44:22,744 --> 00:44:23,870 But who would ever know? 913 00:44:23,995 --> 00:44:26,247 Charlie, baby, I'm back. 914 00:44:26,373 --> 00:44:28,083 Oh, hello. 915 00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:29,918 You must be Francis and Sandra. 916 00:44:30,001 --> 00:44:33,088 I'm Doreen, Charlie's wife. 917 00:44:33,171 --> 00:44:34,464 [toilet flushing] 918 00:44:34,547 --> 00:44:36,591 [Charlie] Well, I see you've met the little woman. 919 00:44:36,674 --> 00:44:37,509 Ain't she a pip? 920 00:44:39,427 --> 00:44:42,472 The Porsche is all gassed and ready to go. 921 00:44:42,555 --> 00:44:43,598 Porsche? 922 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:45,517 Yeah, if we take the limo, 923 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,102 we'll have to take the chauffeur. 924 00:44:47,185 --> 00:44:49,354 And who needs him on a honeymoon? 925 00:44:49,479 --> 00:44:52,399 Say, did I tell you kids that I came into some money? 926 00:44:52,482 --> 00:44:54,234 Show them the rock, sweetheart, look at that. 927 00:44:54,359 --> 00:44:57,737 [Doreen] If you think that's big, you ought to see my lavaliere. 928 00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,864 It's the darnedest thing. 929 00:44:59,948 --> 00:45:02,200 An old girlfriend of mine in Detroit died 930 00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:04,077 and left me millions. 931 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:06,996 Now I don't see how me and Doreen's gonna spend it all, 932 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:08,623 but we're sure gonna try. 933 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:11,501 [Doreen] We're on our way to Las Vegas. 934 00:45:11,584 --> 00:45:13,044 Of course. Where else? 935 00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,255 I just come by to tell you kids 936 00:45:15,338 --> 00:45:19,467 that you don't have to worry about old Uncle Charlie anymore. 937 00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:21,636 Good-bye, Frank. 938 00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:23,388 Nice seeing you again. 939 00:45:23,513 --> 00:45:26,766 And, Frank, you look a little peaky. 940 00:45:26,850 --> 00:45:28,309 Try not to work so hard, all right? 941 00:45:29,644 --> 00:45:31,271 [Doreen] Hurry, Charlie, we'll miss Wayne Newton. 942 00:45:31,354 --> 00:45:33,773 Oh, who could miss that guy, he's terrific. 943 00:45:33,857 --> 00:45:35,024 Isn't he wonderful? 944 00:45:36,985 --> 00:45:40,071 Uncle Charlie and Aunt Doreen? 945 00:45:42,073 --> 00:45:43,199 Who would have known? 946 00:45:45,869 --> 00:45:47,412 Epilogue. 947 00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:49,664 With Charlie on his way to Vegas with Doreen, 948 00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:52,542 and Mort Bascomb disinterred from Tillie's backyard, 949 00:45:52,625 --> 00:45:55,044 and Roper Bailey back drinking Mexican beer, 950 00:45:55,128 --> 00:45:57,922 a nagging question keeps coming to mind. 951 00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:00,508 Who was the John Doe found by the railroad tracks, 952 00:46:00,592 --> 00:46:02,927 and more to the point, who killed him? 953 00:46:03,011 --> 00:46:04,471 Well, the pieces all fell into place 954 00:46:04,554 --> 00:46:06,431 about three days later when an ad appeared 955 00:46:06,514 --> 00:46:09,642 in local newspapers all over the country. 956 00:46:09,726 --> 00:46:11,269 "Reward offered. 957 00:46:11,352 --> 00:46:13,438 $100,000 for information 958 00:46:13,521 --> 00:46:16,774 regarding the whereabouts of Jason T. Rucker, 959 00:46:16,900 --> 00:46:19,402 President of Santa Carmela Savings and Loan, 960 00:46:19,486 --> 00:46:21,696 who disappeared on June 4th, 961 00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:24,282 one day prior to a scheduled audit 962 00:46:24,365 --> 00:46:26,701 by state banking officials. 963 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:29,454 -"Rucker is 66 years old, -Rucker is 66 years old, 964 00:46:29,537 --> 00:46:30,705 -"gray-haired, heavyset..." -"gray-haired, heavyset, 965 00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:32,123 about 5'10", 966 00:46:34,167 --> 00:46:36,961 last seen wearing a brown windbreaker, 967 00:46:37,045 --> 00:46:39,506 tan slacks, and white Oxford shoes. 968 00:46:40,590 --> 00:46:41,966 Also wanted for questioning 969 00:46:42,050 --> 00:46:45,053 is the man Rucker was last seen with, 970 00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:48,848 identified as a freight-train hopping hobo 971 00:46:48,932 --> 00:46:50,892 named Clarence Dobkin."