MAGGIE: I miss Leo so much.
don't come and visit anymore.
Ah, the grandkids don't come and visit anymore.
We communicate with emojis.
The other day, I told them I ate a peach.
The other day, Oh! And they laughed.
Oh, they laughed and laughed. Oh! And they laughed.
Oh, they laughed and laughed.
Oh, God.
That's the problem with the youth of today.
They don't appreciate fruit.
Yeah.
You and I,
we may be ancient and forgotten.
But we're still sexy.
(ROOSTER CLUCKS)
(CLUCKS)
Ooh!
Go on, you saucy old fella.
(ROOSTER CLUCKS)
Yep, and once the blog gets some heat,
I might start a little podcast.
I mean, I know every straight guy in his mid-30s has one, but...
..I feel like mine would be different.
(LAUGHS)
So, Tao, what's your story, my guy?
Year 4?
Damn! Bro. Year 4?
Damn! Bro. Out here clowning these old cats.
Shouldn't you be in class? Damn! Bro. Out here clowning these old cats.
Shouldn't you be in class?
Hey! That's where I went to school. Is Mr Worstin still principal? Shouldn't you be in class?
Hey! That's where I went to school. Is Mr Worstin still principal?
Hey! That's where I went to school. (LAUGHS)
Hey, you know his first name's Barney, right? Barney Worstin.
We used to call him Tiny Foreskin.
(LAUGHS)
What?
Mum!
You just left my squad mate out there to die!
Yeah, well, I'm getting rid of all the toys, Arthur.
This is not a toy.
No-one plays with them anymore. Ah!
They're all going. (SIGHS)
Oh!
Mum!
I was literally playing with it when you literally pulled the plug.
Yes, and I'm donating these toys to people
who literally will see their grandchildren.
Yeah, well, the game box is off limits.
And so is Larry Lobster.
Oh! Banana icing.
Mum, you know I don't like banana.
I didn't make them for you. I made them for my grandkids.
But they don't even come and see me after school anymore.
Oh, maybe it's the banana icing. Oh, right. Alright.
Oh, maybe it's the banana icing. Well...
..if you don't want it, I will Well...
..if you don't want it, I will take them all out to the rooster.
He's the only one who talks to me around here anyway.
And he likes me. Oh, yeah?
How do you know that? Chook whisperer.
(CLUCKS)
(SIGHS)
ROBBIE: Hello?
New shirt, bro? Looking hot, hot...hot.
OK. Whatever it is you want, the answer is no.
Also, why didn't you bring the kids? Mum's missing them.
Also, why didn't you bring the kids? She even made cupcakes.
Passionfruit icing?
Banana. Oh.
So, the kids?
Look, it's not me. It's Liz.
She's worried that after the...
..fire, it's not safe for Mum to be babysitting the kids anymore.
..fire, it's not safe for Mum Oh, my God.
ROBBIE: Mum, hi!
Where are my favourite people?
Oh. We're right here. (MAGGIE LAUGHS)
I meant the grandkids.
ROBBIE: That's what I popped in to speak to Arthur about.
Just came from lunch with friends, a lesbian couple,
Just came from lunch with friends, and they want a brown baby,
and I put you forward as their ideal donor.
I'm sorry...
..a brown baby?
Yes!
Hallelujah! Lock it in, Eddie.
No! Don't lock it in.
I mean, the chances No! Don't lock it in.
I mean, the chances of your brother getting married
I mean, the chances are reducing every day.
Almost zip.
I'm literally right here.
He doesn't have normal urges.
What does that even mean?
Well, men your age, you know, they want wives, they want children.
Well, men your age, you know, I mean, you...
..you've got no urges.
No urges.
Arthur, look at it this way. You'll be doing a service.
And you'll get to be a father. Oh!
All with the single stroke of a wrist.
I got to go. MAGGIE: Oh, hang on.
I got to go. I'll put these in a container
and you can I'll put these in a container
and you can take 'em home to the kids.
No. Liz is on a "sugar's poison" thing.
No. Liz is on ARTHUR: Um, hey.
Forget the cupcakes. ARTHUR: Um, hey.
Forget the cupcakes. Take MUM home for the kids.
Forget the cupcakes. They're at an eighth birthday party.
But we'll have you over soon. Yep.
Alright? Bye.
Yep. (KISSES)
Yep. Bye.
ROBBIE: Think about the donor thing, Arthur.
ROBBIE: There's money in it for you.
(MAGGIE SIGHS)
That's it. The rooster can have all the flipping cupcakes.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God! (SOBS) Mum?!
Oh, Akroma! What...what happened? Oh!
Don't tell Liz about this!
ARTHUR: Liz?! I'VE been eating those cupcakes!
ARTHUR: Liz?! (SPITS) Eugh! Ah!
MAYA: Hello? Hi.
Sorry, is everything OK?
Oh!
Runaway rockmelon.
Rockmelon rescuer. Yes. Sorry.
I was just dropping food over at Chong's next door,
I was just dropping food and then I heard a scream.
ARTHUR: Yeah. and then I heard a scream.
ARTHUR: Yeah. Oh!
Ah. ARTHUR: Yeah.
Ah. Do something, Arthur!
Well, what am I supposed to do? Blog about it?
Well, what am I supposed to do? Well...the Heimlich remover!
He might be choking! OK, it's 'manoeuvre'. Well...the Heimlich remover!
He might be choking! OK, it's 'manoeuvre'.
Oh! Just saying. Um, I just don't...
Do something, Arthur! OK, OK!
Maybe if you pick it up
and I can try some sort of resuscitation thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I'll just...yep. I'm sorry.
Gently. MAYA: Yep.
Yep. It's OK. I got it. I've got it.
(SNIFFS) Yep.
Oh.
OK.
You blow. I'll pump.
Yep. Yep.
MAYA: OK.
(MOANS) MAYA: OK.
(MOANS) One, two, three, four, five.
(MOANS) Blow.
Uh...
Oh, blow the damn thing, Arthur! OK. OK, OK. (BLOWS)
MAGGIE: Oh. MAYA: Oh! Oh, blow the damn thing, Arthur! OK. OK, OK. (BLOWS)
MAGGIE: Oh. MAYA: Oh!
(BLOWS) MAYA: Oh!
(BLOWS)
Oh! I can still taste banana icing.
(SPITS)
One, two, three, four, five. Blow.
(BLOWS)
Oh, stop, stop!
You're ruffling its feathers.
It's stone-cold dead.
Just like his father.
(MOANS)
Yeah.
Um...I'll just... Yeah.
What'll we do now?!
Um...
..well, I mean, we haven't really thought about dinner.
..well, I mean, we haven't That rooster will not be eaten!
He will be given That rooster will not be eaten!
He will be given a proper state funeral.
He will be given OK.
Well, um...I...I...I might... I might leave you two to it.
Um, I'll see you around. MAGGIE: Oh!
Um, I'll see you around. Do something useful, Arthur!
Do you want me to give you more chooks?
Do you want me No.
Give me some more grandchildren!
(SNORES)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS) Hey, boy. Hey, dog.
About to bring some fire.
(SIGHS)
Mum!
I told you Mum!
I told you the game box was off limits.
Where is it?
Where's what, Arthur?
My gaming console! You stole it!
(GASPS) Did I? Better call the police.
(GASPS) Did I? Be mature, Mum.
I want my toy back.
I don't remember where I put it.
(GROANS) I told Tao that I'd practise I don't remember where I put it.
(GROANS) I told Tao that I'd practise with him for the Tandem Cup finals.
(GROANS) I told Tao that I'd practise That's this Saturday!
Wait. Why are you setting a kid's place?
I told you already.
Robbie rang, said she was bringing the kids over for lunch today.
You did not tell me, Mum. Yes, I did.
She was very insistent - "Oh, tell Arthur."
And Melody still loves her Little Mermaid plate and bowl.
I've made fairy bread.
Ooh.
(DOORBELL RINGS) That's them!
Oh, do that thing they love, Arthur.
Oh, they don't love it anymore, Mum. Yes, do it!
I...I'll...I'll let them in.
They... I...I'll...I'll let them in.
They... Do it! Hurry up.
They... ..they really don't. (GROANS)
(LAUGHS) Mum, this is Priya and Jasmin.
Girls, this is my mother, Maggie.
Pleased to meet you, Mrs Boye.
(NEIGHS) Who wants to ride Mr Oponko? Pleased to meet you, Mrs Boye.
(NEIGHS) Who wants to ride Mr Oponko?
(WHINNIES)
Oh, get up, Arthur! You're embarrassing yourself.
ARTHUR: Oh. Sorry.
Uh...
..Mr Oponko is a...
..Ghanaian word for 'horse'.
I specifically said I was bringing Priya and Jasmin,
I specifically said my friends who want a donor.
(LAUGHS) This is my brother's way my friends who want a donor.
(LAUGHS) This is my brother's way of showing off
(LAUGHS) This is my brother's way how great he is with kids.
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
I thought you wanted a brown baby for Instagram.
But you want one 'cause YOU'RE brown. Yes!
(WOMEN LAUGH AWKWARDLY) Oh.
Well...where are your manners, Arthur? Invite the guests in.
I've set the table for lunch.
Thank you. How lovely.
What's for lunch?
Fairy bread.
PRIYA: Alright. So, Arthur, what's your star sign?
PRIYA: Alright. Uh...
..rat, I think.
That's the Chinese zodiac.
He's Aquarian.
Oh!
Little Mermaid, I see.
Oh!
This is not my normal seat at the table.
There are more important things than star signs to be considered.
Uh, the three Hs, for example.
Three Hs?
BOTH: Hair, height, health. MAGGIE: Oh!
BOTH: Hair, height, health. He's very healthy
and very tall.
Uh...may I just, um...
..have a...
Oh!
I guess two out of three is OK.
So...why don't you just go to a donor clinic?
Oh...you know, we really want someone we know to be the father.
You know, someone whose eyes we've looked into,
You know, someone whose soul we can see.
Uh, donors fill out forms, but, um,
no-one's gonna tick the Uh, donors fill out forms, but, um,
no-one's gonna tick the "I'm a psychopath" box, are they?
no-one's gonna tick the Oh, Arthur would.
ARTHUR AND ROBBIE: Mum!
No! Well, I'm just saying, ARTHUR AND ROBBIE: Mum!
No! Well, I'm just saying, you're very honest.
If Arthur was a psychopath, he'd tick that box.
If Arthur was a psychopath, Oh.
Very honest!
There's a big H for you.
(WOMEN LAUGH AWKWARDLY)
Show them your teeth, Arthur.
He's got excellent teeth.
I'm not a horse, Mum.
Well, that's not the impression you gave when they first arrived.
Well, that's not the impression "Neigh!"
(WOMEN LAUGH)
Imagine a little baby Arthur running around the house.
Imagine a little baby Arthur Oh, so cute!
And good news.
He's not shooting blanks.
He had a pregnancy incident with an ex, which didn't go ahead,
but the wrigglers are definitely viable.
Well...
..uh, we'll leave you to have a think about it.
The decision goes both ways, after all.
ROBBIE: There's nothing for him to think about.
ROBBIE: There's nothing He's lucky to be chosen.
Uh...OK. (WOMEN LAUGH)
Thank you so much for a lovely lunch, Mrs Boye.
And see you later, Maybe Baby Daddy.
(LAUGHS)
Is that true?
(DOOR CLOSES)
It was a long time ago, Mum.
MAGGIE: The funeral is happening on Saturday
MAGGIE: The funeral so the whole family can come.
ARTHUR: Ah!
So you're using the death of Dad's beloved rooster
to emotionally blackmail Liz into bringing the kids over.
to emotionally blackmail Liz Sneaky.
Oh!
Look at your father's restaurant.
All dusty, cobwebbed and teeming with roaches.
All dusty, cobwebbed (SIGHS) Oh, well.
I guess that's what happens (SIGHS) Oh, well.
I guess that's what happens when you just 'hope'
I guess that's what happens family will have your back.
Mum! I thought we were done with the restaurant guilt.
And to be fair, looks like the roaches
are doing a roaring trade in there.
Mmm. (LAUGHS)
Mum!
She's gorgeous!
Mum!
How old is she?
You're a good boy. Mum!
Oh. Oh.
Bye. Nice to meet you.
I don't have a single guilty bone in my body, Arthur,
but I'll do whatever it takes to see my grandchildren.
but I'll do whatever it takes OK! A Saturday funeral is fine.
But it has to be finished before my Tandem Cup final starts.
I got some noobs who are about to have a funeral of their own.
I got some noobs who are (LAUGHS) Pyew-pyew!
Mum!
Tell me you didn't donate my console to the Salvos.
I might have.
What?!
OK. Stay here. Don't move.
I'm gonna see if I can go get it back.
(SIGHS)
(BELL RINGS)
(KIDS LAUGH)
(BELL RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Oh, God.
(GATE RATTLES)
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
(PANTS)
May I help you?
Oh!
This is my school.
And I'm looking for my mum.
You are going to have to come with me, sir.
You are going (SIGHS)
BOY: Red rover, red rover, I call over...
..Maggie.
Ah! KIDS: Ah!
I'm gonna get you, Maggie!
(ROARS IN SLOW MOTION)
(WORSTIN SIGHS)
ARTHUR: Thank you.
MAGGIE: Oh, Arthur!
Thank goodness you're here.
They're saying terrible things about me.
Honestly...
..I don't blame them.
Arthur Boye.
I had hoped Arthur Boye.
I had hoped never to see you in my office again.
I had hoped Mr Worstin.
Hm. I suppose you're married with children of your own now.
Oh, no. He's been a terrible disappointment in that area.
Oh, no. He's been a terrible (CLEARS THROAT)
Sadly, I don't have time for a family.
I'm too busy keeping my mother out of trouble.
I'm too busy Now, can we go?
Uh...as I explained to your mother,
the parents of the child who injured his hand in the fall
the parents of the child will have to be notified.
But, hopefully, there'll be no need will have to be notified.
But, hopefully, there'll be no need to take it any further.
Well, rest assured I will confiscate his video game for a whole week.
Well, rest assured I will confiscate I don't have a video game, Mum!
The store says I have no proof, I don't have a video game, Mum!
The store says I have no proof, thanks to YOU.
The store says I have no proof, Oh! No cupcakes, then.
Well...
..apologise to Mr Foreskin, Arthur.
I always found it very childish.
Alright. I'm willing to donate the goods, Robbie.
But you have to promise to bring the kids
But you have to promise to Akroma's funeral on Saturday.
Because she's officially losing it!
Next there'll be a kidnapping.
Then make sure Liz agrees. OK?
Or there'll be no swimmers in a cup for your mates.
Or there'll be no swimmers in a cup That's the deal.
How do I look, Arthur?
You look like a crow.
Well, says the wannabe drug dealer!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(GASPS) Good!
They're early!
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
MAGGIE: Arthur!
Jasmin's ovulating!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Sorry?
JASMIN: I...I know this is a rush,
but Robbie said you'd be willing.
Apparently, but Robbie said you'd be willing.
Apparently, my cycle's all out of whack.
Apparently, I tested this morning.
Today's the day.
Really?
We brought the contract for you and a specimen jar,
if you want to go to your room and sign and seal it. We brought the contract for you and a specimen jar,
if you want to go to your room and sign and seal it.
Contract?
Um...thing is, we have got a funeral.
(SIGHS) Um...thing is, we have got a funeral.
(SIGHS) (GASPS) Oh. I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) When do you leave?
Oh, we don't.
We're burying him in the backyard.
It's a pet.
Ah. Oh.
Ah. Um...never mind.
I think I have time before
the others arrive.
OK. I'll be back.
Great!
So, what's in the contract?
Oh, it's just the standard clauses for this type of thing.
I didn't know this type of thing WAS standard. (LAUGHS)
So, what's in it? Oh, you know.
Arthur agrees to give up all rights to the child, um,
and no access to the child until the age of 18
unless the child wishes to meet his or her father.
That kind of thing.
We were talking about having a little Arthur running around,
We were talking about having that kind of thing.
In theory, that could happen.
I'll be right back.
(BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)
(WHISPERS) Arthur!
(LOUDER) Arthur!
Have you read the contract?
ARTHUR: Um... I kind of have my hands full, Mum.
(SIGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, do you have any medical issues (CLEARS THROAT)
So, do you have any medical issues in your family, Jasmin?
None that I know of. MAGGIE: Oh!
None that I know of. Isn't that lovely?
Gosh, we have so many in ours.
You do? MAGGIE: I'm not exaggerating.
You do? Heart problems? Oh! Terrible!
Tinea, to burn.
And then, of course, there was Uncle Pete.
Well, no-one knew what was going on with him,
but whatever it was, it was not pretty.
But, oh, you wouldn't want to stop procreating
based on a doctor's say-so, would you?
based on a doctor's say-so, (LAUGHS)
Anyway. I guess I shouldn't be saying all this.
No, please. Uh, go on.
Well...
5,000?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Is it true the family has an allergic reaction to buffalo grass,
causing anaphylaxis?
I don't think so, no. PRIYA: Mrs Boye told us that.
Did she? Mum says Grandma is "losing it".
I said she's...getting on. (LAUGHS) She's getting on.
How's it going in there, stud?
ARTHUR: You said they were paying 2,500.
ARTHUR: Contract says 5,000!
Well, obviously, Contract says 5,000!
Well, obviously, there's a matchmaker's fee.
Well, obviously, Go away or you'll get nothing!
Everybody, outside.
Uncle Arthur needs privacy. Everybody, outside.
Uncle Arthur needs privacy. Let's go. Come on.
LIZ: Lovely big outside voice that you used there, my darling.
Why don't you girls wait in the kitchen?
I'd like to introduce you to someone special.
Jasmin, Priya, meet Akroma,
our family pet.
Oh! It's dead.
MAGGIE: Yes.
We keep him in the freezer,
along with all our other We keep him in the freezer,
along with all our other small loved ones,
along with all our other so they never leave us.
JASMIN: Oh!
(PHONE BEEPS) (RECIPIENT'S PHONE RINGS)
(PHONE RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Arthur? Please be calling to make a time to collect your things.
Arthur? Please be calling to I need to pack up the house now.
Actually, I was calling about something else.
Actually, I was calling Something funny's happened.
I have been asked to donate sperm to Robbie's friends.
And they are in the kitchen right now waiting for me.
And the kids are over and Mum's burying a rooster
and it's all pretty weird.
That...that IS funny.
You're not laughing.
No, I mean it's funny that you're calling to tell me this.
ARTHUR: I guess it just made me think about us
and that decision that we made.
And I'm wondering why
we never tried to do it again.
Arthur!
No-one in their right mind Arthur!
No-one in their right mind has a baby
with someone they've known for four weeks!
with someone they've known And...and as for trying again,
I t...I told you, kids are just...
..they're not on my radar yet.
(SIGHS)
Yeah.
So it wasn't...
..because you didn't think I'd be a good dad?
DEE: Oh, Arthur, you are gonna make the best dad.
DEE: Oh, Arthur, One day.
And to be honest, One day.
And to be honest, I think you should just wait.
Don't complicate things by having a random child you'll have to explain
Don't complicate things by having a to anyone you date in the future.
OK?
Um...oh, I've...I've, uh...
..good luck, Arthur.
I've got to go. OK. Bye.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry. Just my brother.
(SIGHS) Just, like, yeah. (LAUGHS)
(GLASSES CLINK) Cheers. (LAUGHS)
ARTHUR: I'm really honoured to be asked,
ARTHUR: and I cannot wait to be a dad.
But...
..I don't want it to be like this.
(BOTH SIGH WITH RELIEF) I'm sorry.
(BOTH SIGH WITH RELIEF) That is so OK.
Oh. Did you...
Uh...
..you keep that.
(DOOR CLOSES)
My game box!
We're waiting for you, Arthur.
You didn't donate the toys after all?
Of course I didn't, silly. I put them in the hall cupboard.
Of course I didn't, silly. I told you.
What about you?
Did you...donate?
Not this time.
Ah! Good!
How dare those women try and steal the sacred Boye family sperm
How dare those women try and steal and not give us children in return?!
That's a hit-and-run.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry if I disappointed you, Mum.
Oh!
You would never disappoint me, Oh!
You would never disappoint me, Arthur.
I don't know where you get these ideas from.
Mmm! (LAUGHS)
Come on. Mmm! (LAUGHS)
Come on.
Let's say goodbye to a rooster. Yeah.
Let's say goodbye to a rooster. We are gathered together today
to say farewell to a fine old cock.
(SNIGGERING)
MAGGIE: Our feathered friend, fierce protector
and our irritating alarm clock, Akroma.
He was colourful.
He was proud to be He was colourful.
He was proud to be part of our family.
He was proud to be And his love of food was everything.
But without his brood around him,
Akroma was lost.
He was lonely.
His days were long.
And his heart was broken.
He wasn't perfect.
Oh, far from it.
But all he craved was to be surrounded by life.
He didn't deserve to be abandoned and banished
from the company of the people he loves.
Thy will be done.
Rest in peace, Akroma.
Amen.
OTHERS: Amen.
Powerful words, Maggie.
And your point is taken.
Thank you, Liz.
What was my point?
Point is, you're a good egg, Mum.
(LAUGHS)
Alright. Oh.
Now, who wants to play the Mr Oponko game?
(NEIGHS) (LAUGHS)
(NEIGHS) Nah, that's lame.
Alright.
Well, who wants to go watch me Alright.
Well, who wants to go watch me destroy some noobs
Well, who wants to go watch me in the Tandem Cup final tonight?
That's...
..if...
..you're allowed to stay over.
KIDS: Please! (LAUGHS)
Yes. Of course. Of course. I would love that.
Yes. Of course. Of course. ARTHUR: Yes!
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, come on, inside. Come on!
Let's go inside. (LAUGHS) Yeah!
Right this way. Come on.
Let's go, Mum.
Alright, I'm right behind you.
Hugging you like a long-lost relative.
You go forward. Yeah. I got you covered. We got this. We got this!
You go forward. Yeah. I got you We got it!
Oh!
Mmm!
(SIGHS) Nah, that's cool. Mmm!
(SIGHS) Nah, that's cool. That's cool, man.
We shall bring home the bacon next time.
Oh, man. You should have said that at the start.
It must have been hell hard to bunny-hop with a busted hand.
It must have been hell hard How'd that happen?
An old lady tackled you on the school oval?
What a silly old chook.
(CLUCKS)
See, back in our day, Tao,
we didn't...we didn't dob!
Dibby-dob-dob.
We didn't dibby-dob-dob
on our friends, Tao, so...
..take what you get.
Oh! Gotcha!
(LAUGHS)
Did I get you? I don't even know.
This is fun.
And what if I press this, Tao?
Guide me home, Tao.
Guide me home.
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation