1 00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,535 [pounding] 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,973 Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door? 3 00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:10,175 To keep the sign from falling. 4 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,644 Don't you know anything about gravity? 5 00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:14,747 Give me the hammer. 6 00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:15,614 Thanks for offering 7 00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:18,684 but the job's already done. 8 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,123 Morning. Morning, dad. 9 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,125 Have you practiced the poem? 10 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:28,660 - Yes, ALF, but I-- - But nothing. 11 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:29,895 Let's hear it. 12 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:34,333 "Goodbye, grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. 13 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:38,404 Goodbye, grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye." 14 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,973 Hmm. Maybe another "Goodbye" in there. 15 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:44,309 ALF, uh, what's this stuff in this bag? 16 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:46,812 I prepared a little flight kit. 17 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,080 Nothing special. 18 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,516 Just a few travel necessities. 19 00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:53,419 I emphasize the word "Travel." 20 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:57,122 Magazines, uh, Kleenex.. 21 00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:59,458 ...uh, breath mints, antacids 22 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,127 and moist towelettes. 23 00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:05,531 If she stops for anything she might miss her plane. 24 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:07,800 How very thoughtful of you. 25 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:09,835 And, of course, the bag will come in handy 26 00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,904 in case of turbulence. 27 00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:14,440 Or if they show "Howard The Duck." 28 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,009 Guess what? 29 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,379 I'm not leaving. 30 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:24,716 - Why not? - ALF, don't be rude. 31 00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,920 Why not, Dorothy? 32 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,590 I could just kill Estelle. 33 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,026 She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. 34 00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:37,729 Now, now, where does that leave me and all my plans? 35 00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:40,566 [sighs] Honestly, I hate doing this, but.. 36 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:43,602 Well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer. 37 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,605 You know, there's a nice motel down the street. 38 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,442 Just a thought. 39 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,645 [theme music] 40 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,476 [music continues] 41 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,507 [instrumental music on TV] 42 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,013 (woman on TV) 'Margo says she doesn't know who's been' 43 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,748 'sabotaging the oil rigs.' 44 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,616 'She thinks it might be Jeremy' 45 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:07,019 'because of the fake bracelet incident with Nina' 46 00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:08,120 'on devil's island.' 47 00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:10,022 [vacuum whirring] 48 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,191 'Gomez had a motive, too.' 49 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:14,393 [whirring continues] 50 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,764 What are you watching? 51 00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,099 Right now, your rear end. 52 00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:26,338 I can't believe you're actually watching 53 00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,240 "Midwest General." 54 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,242 What's wrong with "Midwest General?" 55 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,977 Total sleaze. 56 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:35,047 All you see is violence, revenge, murder. 57 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:36,448 That's not true. 58 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:40,252 Gomez just entered a short story contest. 59 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,788 [vacuum whirring] 60 00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:45,123 Hey, what do you think you're doing? 61 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,960 Turning on a good soap opera. 62 00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:50,128 "One World To Hope For." 63 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,496 That's not a soap opera 64 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:52,831 that's a sleeping pill. 65 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,267 Quiet. I want to see what's happening. 66 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,735 I'll tell you what's happening 67 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,404 the same thing that was happening a year ago. 68 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,640 The show needs a plot transplant. 69 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:02,874 Shh! 70 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,653 Butch, I really want you to know 71 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:18,557 how proud we are of what you did in that farmhouse. 72 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:20,492 But, mom, that was almost a year ago. 73 00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,227 (ALF) 'No kidding.' 74 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,664 Maybe so, Butch.. 75 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,366 ...but when you put down that rake 76 00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:30,068 and told us you were our son.. 77 00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:33,972 ...that's not a moment we'll soon forget. 78 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:37,676 The very next day, I conceived Alison. 79 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,544 Then I was wrong. 80 00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:42,114 It was two years ago. 81 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:43,982 Boring! 82 00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,853 Give me that back. 83 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:50,289 What do you see in this thing? 84 00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:53,392 I see love, compassion, warmth 85 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,827 concern for humanity. 86 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,230 Incidentally, when are you leaving? 87 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,533 Soon. I'm leaving soon. 88 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,770 You were supposed to leave last week. 89 00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:07,606 You can see my bags are packed, ready to go. 90 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:10,309 I'm leaving when I'm leaving. 91 00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:12,911 Well, I'm glad we narrowed it down. 92 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:18,417 No wonder you can't appreciate "One World To Hope For." 93 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,419 You see, the people on this show 94 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,521 they care about each other. 95 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,757 That's because they share a common bond.. 96 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,726 ...bad scripts! 97 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,728 Lucky could write better than that. 98 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,064 I could write better than that. 99 00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:34,566 You write? When would you find time? 100 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,201 If you're not stuffing your snout 101 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:39,137 you're watching television. 102 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,339 - ALF! - What? 103 00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,674 - You know what? - I want to see the x-rays! 104 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:43,942 - No! - Let me guess. 105 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,011 Arguing about the television again? 106 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:49,214 Well, Kate, you know how much I love 107 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,882 "One World To Hope For." 108 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,652 The orange bath mat here wont let me watch. 109 00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:56,154 Orange bath mat? 110 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:59,091 Listen here, you Bronx giraffe! 111 00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,094 My mother is a guest in this house 112 00:06:02,096 --> 00:06:04,529 I want you to treat her like one. 113 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,632 - Well, thank you, Kate. - Guest? 114 00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:10,369 Isn't there a statute of limitations on that word? 115 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:11,470 ALF. 116 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:12,971 Kate, the woman doesn't respond 117 00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,806 to subtle hints. 118 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:17,175 ALF, my mother is welcome to stay here 119 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,177 as long as she wants. 120 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:22,581 However long that may be. 121 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,685 As a matter of fact, mom, why don't I, uh 122 00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:30,155 put your suitcases in the closet? 123 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:33,792 Oh, sure, honey, if you feel they're in the way. 124 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,328 Dust off the cobwebs first. 125 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,632 [vacuum whirring] 126 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,011 You feel like going out? 127 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:56,314 Yeah. Let's party. 128 00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:58,917 Gee, I wish you wouldn't let her get to you. 129 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,286 You know where she is right now? 130 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:05,023 She is at the market, buying a decent tile cleaner. 131 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,527 Decent tile cleaner. 132 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,162 She'll be gone in a couple of weeks. 133 00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:12,330 Sure. First, she said a few more days 134 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:14,866 then she said another week, now, she says two more weeks. 135 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,134 She didn't know that Estelle 136 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,869 was gonna sprain her ankle, you know? 137 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:21,706 What is a woman Estelle's age doing on a skateboard? 138 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,310 An-and wh-why does mother have to wait for her anyway? 139 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,678 She's a grown woman. 140 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,147 She can fly by herself! 141 00:07:30,184 --> 00:07:31,950 She's a grown woman. 142 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,518 You better put that bag down, honey 143 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,387 you're gonna cut off your oxygen. 144 00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:37,422 That's what I'm trying to do. 145 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:41,793 You've got to try and pin her down, Kate. 146 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,930 Good idea. I'll get the pins. 147 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,699 We'll handle this. 148 00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,934 We'll handle this. 149 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,303 That's right, she's my mother. 150 00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:54,105 Is the word "Mother" capitalized? 151 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:58,009 Say, what're you writing down over there, anyway? 152 00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,911 Who, me? 153 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,648 No, the man-in-the-moon. 154 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,283 Oh, Fred. 155 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,453 I don't know. He never writes, he never calls. 156 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,392 Hurry up, the show's about to start. 157 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,962 I can't believe you're actually forcing me 158 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,830 to watch "One World To Hope For." 159 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,233 Well, this is a very special episode. 160 00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:23,668 Now, sit in the middle here, dottie-kins. 161 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,270 Best seat in the house. 162 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,672 Yesterday, you said the fireplace 163 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,441 was the best seat in the house. 164 00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:31,309 That was yesterday. 165 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,746 Look! There's ALF's name. 166 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,648 "Written by ALF Shumway?" 167 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,717 You wrote a TV script? 168 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,151 Yes, I wrote it. 169 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,953 What, all you have to do is write a script 170 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,355 and now they'll put it on the air? 171 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:45,657 Well, you have to send it in first. 172 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,726 Oh, it's starting. 173 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,665 It's your mother, isn't it? 174 00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,267 Yes. 175 00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,435 She's been here forever. 176 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,170 W-w-what is she talking about? 177 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,973 That character doesn't even have a mother. 178 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,142 She's driving me crazy. 179 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,678 Do you know where she is right now? 180 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,813 At the market. 181 00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:11,316 Buying a decent tile cleaner. 182 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,221 Put the bag down, Monica, you'll cut off your oxygen. 183 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,857 That's what I'm trying to do. 184 00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,259 I have to stir the cheese. 185 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:24,996 Sit still, Kate. The cheese can wait. 186 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,331 Why don't you just pin her down 187 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:29,000 and ask her when she's gonna leave? 188 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,703 Good idea, I'll get the pins. 189 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,673 [laughing] 190 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:38,176 She's here. My mother's here. 191 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,478 Back with the tile cleaner. 192 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,685 - Hello, mother. - Hello, Dorothy. 193 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,386 Her name is Dorothy? 194 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:52,824 Yeah, but that's not the right tile cleaner. Oh! 195 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,427 Why are you staring at me like that? 196 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:58,063 You look like you wanna ask me something? 197 00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:01,499 Well, actually, I do. 198 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,969 So, go on, ask me. 199 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,837 When are you gonna leave, already? 200 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,506 Leave? You want me to leave? 201 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:12,077 No, I want the man-in-the-moon to leave. 202 00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,112 Yes, I want you to leave. 203 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,447 I want you to go home 204 00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:18,483 and live with your friend, crazy Miriam. 205 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,321 Mom, wait. 206 00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:32,197 Thanks, a hell of a lot. 207 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,133 Worked for me. 208 00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,976 [instrumental music] 209 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:52,317 How can I write dialogue if nobody's gonna talk? 210 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,420 Come on, people. I've got a deadline. 211 00:10:56,490 --> 00:11:00,358 You've got a poison pen, is what you've got. 212 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,127 Turning our private conversations 213 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:05,463 into a public spectacle. How insensitive can you get? 214 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:08,533 Hey, would you mind if I taped this? 215 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:13,104 There will be no tape recording and no writing! 216 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,473 Kate, that's dangerously close to censorship. 217 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,609 You are dangerously close to being evicted. 218 00:11:17,611 --> 00:11:19,144 Point made. 219 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:22,147 Look, uh, I realize what I did was wrong 220 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:25,216 but I'm gonna make it up to you in this new script. 221 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:29,154 Well, I'm glad somebody cares about my feelings. 222 00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:31,990 Oh, mom, I care about your feelings. 223 00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:36,161 - I'm sorry that I hurt you. - It's okay. 224 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:39,164 Listen, maybe I should leave. 225 00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:42,500 I'll call Estelle. I'll go home today. 226 00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:45,236 I thought Estelle had a sprained leg? 227 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,173 Uh.. 228 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:51,976 It-it wasn't her leg. It was her ankle. 229 00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,379 And I made it up. 230 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:57,048 - What? - Well, I-I made it up. 231 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,984 I ma-made up the whole story about her ankle 232 00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,654 because, uh, I didn't want you to know 233 00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:05,123 that I couldn't stand my best friend anymore. 234 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:08,660 I mean, she was impossible to live with, so I left. 235 00:12:08,662 --> 00:12:11,129 Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you telling me 236 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,532 that you moved out of Estelle's house? 237 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,167 Yes. 238 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,803 Well, you can't stay here. 239 00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:21,206 How would you like to become a sweater? 240 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,677 Have Dorothy burst into flames. 241 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:29,748 Mom, why didn't you tell me about you and Estelle before? 242 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:33,051 Well, you, you would just feel sorry for me 243 00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,186 and then you'd ask me to stay. 244 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:38,056 Good, good. Work it out. 245 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,657 I don't have to feel sorry for you 246 00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,993 to ask you to stay in my house. 247 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,595 Are you asking me to stay? 248 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,096 [phone ringing] 249 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,365 I'll get the phone. 250 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,634 Yeah, then leave it off the hook, will ya? 251 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,503 We're on a roll. 252 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,373 Hello. 253 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,108 Who? 254 00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,844 Oh, ye.. 255 00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:02,347 Yes. Yes. 256 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:05,850 It's for you, the head writer on "One World To Hope For" 257 00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,552 wants to know where the script is. 258 00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:10,488 Says they're shooting it tomorrow. 259 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,691 Oh, good, and I don't have squat. 260 00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,495 Hello, Trish doll. 261 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,731 Yeah, yeah, oh, I know I said that 262 00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,399 I'd have it in your hands today 263 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,701 but I had to make a few changes. 264 00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:26,037 Yeah, oh, it's a much better script now. 265 00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,339 I thought you didn't have squat. 266 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,042 Uh, uh, Trish, quick thought. 267 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:33,578 How do you feel about having a cat on the show? 268 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,446 A speaking part. 269 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:37,782 Yeah, you're right. Too sitcomey. 270 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,318 Well, anyway, here's the new ending I decided to go with. 271 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,287 See, I think we need to put more warmth 272 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,556 and likability into these characters. 273 00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:47,559 [instrumental music] 274 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,471 [screaming] 275 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,375 ALF, ALF, are you alright? 276 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,712 Oh, yeah, everything's fine. 277 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,180 Why.. 278 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,115 Why do you have those clothespins 279 00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,984 attached to your head? 280 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,153 It's a form of acupressure. 281 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:19,524 On Melmac we use it to relieve writer's block. 282 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,359 Still having trouble with the script, eh? 283 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,128 [sighs] Read it yourself. 284 00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:27,065 "Scene one. Interior living root." 285 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:30,201 Interior living root? 286 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,437 It's a typo! I mean, give me a break! 287 00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:34,639 - I've only got eight fingers. - I'm sorry. 288 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,474 Uh, "Monica enters 289 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,476 she says, 'Good morning.'" 290 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,578 Well, what's wrong with that? 291 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,881 Willie there's no one else in the room with her! 292 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:45,717 I've got the woman talking to chairs! 293 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:48,686 Oh, I'll never have this finished by tomorrow. 294 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,989 Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF. 295 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,124 Relax. Sure, relax. 296 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,459 I've got a deadline. 297 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,594 I mean, I promised to put likability 298 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,497 and warmth into these characters. 299 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:03,301 You know, I had a, I had a case of writer's block once. 300 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,504 I was writing a term paper for my art history class. 301 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,207 Or-or-or was it my comparative religion class? 302 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,442 What, are you dictating your autobiography? 303 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,811 - I'm trying to help here. - Well, you're not! 304 00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,780 Well, look, why don't you just start writing. 305 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,882 Write anything that comes into your head. 306 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:20,585 Just put down the first thing that pops into your head. 307 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,920 Fine. 308 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,122 [keys clacking] 309 00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:29,928 - "I have writers block." - Monica wouldn't say that! 310 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,597 - See, Monica wouldn't say that! - Don't panic here, ALF. 311 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,199 Don't panic. Don't be so nervous. 312 00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:38,002 Nervous? I've had 50 cups of coffee. 313 00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:41,572 I'm so wired I had to strap myself to this chair. 314 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,374 Is that my belt? 315 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,576 If you're not gonna help, go back in the house. 316 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,612 I can't go back in the house. 317 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,281 There are two women in there who aren't speaking to each other 318 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,617 or to me or to you. 319 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:57,021 In fact, ALF, you've written us into this...this mess 320 00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,257 now, you've got to write us out. 321 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:02,193 Alright. Alright. I will. 322 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,462 Put on another pot of coffee. 323 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:12,003 [screaming] 324 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,339 And get some more clothespins. 325 00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:18,910 You're all gonna love this episode, I promise. 326 00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:21,612 This script is so full of love, compassion 327 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:25,483 and understanding, that you'll throw up. 328 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,585 That good? 329 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,621 Oh, hi. I'm sorry I'm late. Did I, did I miss anything? 330 00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,090 - Just lunch. - Oh, honey. 331 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,725 There's some blintzes on a plate near the stove. 332 00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:36,327 - 'Oh.' - Those were for him? 333 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:38,830 We still have the plate. 334 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:42,533 I don't eat stoneware. Unlike some people. 335 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,503 Look, look, there's the mother. How about that, huh? 336 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,705 They even dressed her nicer. 337 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:52,243 - Good morning. - Mother. 338 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:54,912 Does this mean you're speaking to me again? 339 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,481 Monica.. 340 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,483 ...you're my daughter. 341 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:01,819 Not some alien from another planet. 342 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,489 I wrote that as a joke, they left it in. 343 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,357 Mothers and daughters are bound to have 344 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,027 their little quarrels and conflicts. 345 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:13,064 It's part of this whole wonderful thing we call life. 346 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:16,534 You're right, it is nauseating. 347 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,736 I-I think that it's sweet. 348 00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:20,905 I mean, i-it lets us know that, uh 349 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,273 just because a person says 350 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:23,908 a few unkind things about someone 351 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:27,178 it doesn't mean that they don't love them. 352 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,448 So, by the same token 353 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,784 I hope you'll be able to forgive me 354 00:17:32,786 --> 00:17:34,886 when I tell you what an ungrateful 355 00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:37,688 self-centered little tramp you are. 356 00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,958 Self-centered little tramp? 357 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:45,196 Why, just who do you think you're talking to 358 00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:48,332 you bossy, loudmouth freeloader? 359 00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,301 Tramp? 360 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:54,205 - Freeloader? - They changed my script! 361 00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:57,475 Now, calm down, Monica, she's not worth it. 362 00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,277 Huh, that's not what you said 363 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,979 when you left my bedroom last night. 364 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,617 They changed his script. 365 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:10,321 She's lying. I never went anywhere near her bedroom. 366 00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,523 She's done nothing but lie 367 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,092 since the moment she walked into this house 368 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,928 and told us she'd only be here a few days. 369 00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,898 I am not going to sit here, and eat toast 370 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,468 and listen to this! 371 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,203 ALF, how could you? 372 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,505 I'm telling you, I didn't. 373 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,108 They were hugging and kissing in my script. 374 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:32,944 I had nothing about toast. 375 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,645 And did you see that centerpiece? 376 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:37,682 I mean, who's doing props over there, Rip Taylor? 377 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:41,152 Well, I am sick of having this 378 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:44,122 entire visit shoved in my face. 379 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,656 Where are the famous suitcases? 380 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,359 Mom, I don't want you to go. 381 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:51,195 Well, once again you've brought harmony 382 00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:52,964 to our household. 383 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:55,066 That's not what I wrote. 384 00:18:56,936 --> 00:19:00,371 Here. Here. This is what I wrote. Read it. 385 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,175 There's not one word of violence in there. 386 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,410 And I cut out all the sex too. 387 00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:09,247 - Sex? Who had sex? - What sex? 388 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,549 It's gone, I said. 389 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,417 You know, I think ALF is telling the truth. 390 00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,186 Thank you. 391 00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,754 I mean, about the fight anyway. 392 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:20,124 There's, there's no fight in her, but.. 393 00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:23,027 You do use a lot of "You knows." 394 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,896 I know. 395 00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:27,565 Well, I'm just gonna pack the rest of my things. 396 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:31,335 Come back here! You're not going anywhere. 397 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:35,339 I mean, not until you read the scene I really wrote. 398 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,241 You could at least give me that. 399 00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:40,845 Well, you-you just give me one good reason why I should. 400 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:44,715 Okay. I'll give you one reason. Kate. 401 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:49,520 Now, come on. Turn to page 18. 402 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,589 Let's all read it out loud. 403 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,457 Kate, you be Monica. 404 00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:56,394 Dorothy, why don't you be Dorothy. 405 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,573 "Mom, it's not that I don't want you to live here 406 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:11,375 "it's just that I'm a married woman. 407 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,811 I have a life of my own, you know?" 408 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:17,949 This is so silly. 409 00:20:17,951 --> 00:20:21,619 Come on, come on. Just read it! 410 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,789 "You're right, it was wrong of me to impose. 411 00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,557 "But, you know, I just couldn't help it. 412 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,427 I tried, but, you know, I couldn't." 413 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,362 You do use a lot of "You knows." 414 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:34,298 They bother you, drop 'em! 415 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:37,635 Say, doesn't the father have any lines? 416 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:41,272 Willie, sometimes less is more. 417 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,740 Monica? 418 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:47,445 "You feel a little lost since dad died, don't you?" 419 00:20:52,185 --> 00:20:54,452 "It's not easy living alone. 420 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,889 "That's why I moved in with Miriam, crazy as she is. 421 00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:01,993 It was someone to talk to, you know?" 422 00:21:01,995 --> 00:21:04,328 Now, that one works. 423 00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,530 "I like to be with people. 424 00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:08,766 "I like to take care of them. 425 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:14,538 Maybe I go too far sometimes that's because I care too much." 426 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:17,742 "Miriam asked you to move out, didn't she?" 427 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,011 Yes. 428 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:24,548 Estelle asked you to move out? 429 00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:28,152 That's why your mom came here. 430 00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:30,221 She didn't want to be alone again. 431 00:21:30,223 --> 00:21:34,158 - How did you know? - Writer's intuition. 432 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,027 I also called Estelle. 433 00:21:36,029 --> 00:21:39,897 And by the way, you're right, she is crazy. 434 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:44,235 Estelle told me that I was bossy and meddlesome 435 00:21:44,237 --> 00:21:48,673 and she couldn't stand another day living with me. 436 00:21:48,675 --> 00:21:51,475 I don't care what Estelle said. 437 00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:54,178 You're my mother, and I love you. 438 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,950 I don't know what to say. 439 00:21:59,952 --> 00:22:02,520 Right there, middle of the page! 440 00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:04,722 - What? - The script. 441 00:22:05,958 --> 00:22:07,625 Oh. 442 00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:12,730 "You know what, Monica? 443 00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:15,599 "My best friend didn't kick me out. 444 00:22:15,601 --> 00:22:17,735 "My best friend.. 445 00:22:18,371 --> 00:22:20,871 ...is right here." 446 00:22:20,873 --> 00:22:22,873 Oh, mom. 447 00:22:23,609 --> 00:22:25,242 No, no, no. 448 00:22:25,244 --> 00:22:27,478 First, you open the champagne 449 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,146 then you hug. 450 00:22:29,148 --> 00:22:32,149 Oh, nobody reads stage directions. 451 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:37,188 [instrumental music] 452 00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:41,325 She's a baby. Dating? 453 00:22:41,327 --> 00:22:43,361 (Kate) I know, seems like.. 454 00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:45,463 - 'Hi, honey!' - Oh, hi, guys. 455 00:22:45,465 --> 00:22:46,997 (Dorothy) 'Willie.' 456 00:22:49,902 --> 00:22:53,237 - Honey, are you alright? - Yeah. Yeah. 457 00:22:53,239 --> 00:22:54,939 Say, Dorothy.. 458 00:22:54,941 --> 00:22:55,973 ...are you sure you don't want me 459 00:22:55,975 --> 00:22:57,775 to store these up in the attic? 460 00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:59,577 Uh, no, Willie. 461 00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:02,146 Listen, I plan to find a place of my own 462 00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:03,647 as soon as possible. 463 00:23:03,649 --> 00:23:05,149 Well, you know, you're more than welcome 464 00:23:05,151 --> 00:23:07,251 to stay here as long as you like. 465 00:23:07,253 --> 00:23:10,454 No, I know that, kids, but ALF is right. 466 00:23:10,456 --> 00:23:12,523 I've got to try.. 467 00:23:12,525 --> 00:23:14,325 Wait a minute, how'd he phrase that? 468 00:23:14,327 --> 00:23:18,129 "I've got to start to make a life of my own." 469 00:23:18,131 --> 00:23:21,298 - ALF told you that? - Well, not exactly. 470 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:25,236 - It's in his new script. - New script? 471 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,772 ALF, would you come out here? 472 00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:30,741 We'd like to talk to you for a minute. 473 00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:32,176 Make it quick, Kate 474 00:23:32,178 --> 00:23:34,945 things have just started to flow again. 475 00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:38,115 ALF, uh, I thought that you gave up script writing. 476 00:23:38,117 --> 00:23:40,484 Yeah, I thought you were so upset with the rewrites 477 00:23:40,486 --> 00:23:42,653 you were never gonna write another script again. 478 00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:45,322 - I wasn't. - So what happened? 479 00:23:45,324 --> 00:23:47,625 The check came. 480 00:23:53,633 --> 00:23:56,834 [theme music] 481 00:24:22,428 --> 00:24:24,428 [ALF laughing]