1
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:07,006
Brian. Game starts
in half an hour.
2
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,041
Willie, Timmy's mother told me
they call the pitcher
3
00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:11,310
on the other team
"The Headhunter."
4
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:13,245
What do you suppose that means?
5
00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:17,149
It means Brian will probably
get on base tonight.
6
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:21,820
Mom, dad, I feel lucky.
7
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:24,023
Don't forget to wear
your batting helmet.
8
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:28,660
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, ALF.
9
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,562
We're gonna go to Brian's game
and then out for pizza.
10
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,664
You want us
to bring you anything?
11
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:35,267
I'm too depressed to eat.
12
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,668
What's wrong?
13
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:39,705
Ah, they're fooling around
with the universe.
14
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,507
Read this travesty of journalism
15
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,776
I found
in this week's Inquisitor.
16
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:50,716
"Amazon Women found
on Alpha Centauri." So?
17
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,551
Everyone knows
that Alpha Centauri's
18
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,954
just a bunch of bowling alleys
and divorced guys.
19
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,689
Oh, ALF,
when will you learn not to take
20
00:00:57,691 --> 00:01:00,392
anything in those tabloids
seriously?
21
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,461
And when I hide something
in the bottom of the garbage
22
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,463
I expect it to stay there.
23
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,931
Alright, here.
24
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,534
But I can't give you back
the melon rinds.
25
00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:11,603
That ship has sailed.
26
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:14,807
[theme music]
27
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:47,840
[music continues]
28
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:14,967
[instrumental music]
29
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,637
Okay, here's the last one.
30
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,240
"What German leader
was responsible
31
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:24,209
for starting World War II?"
32
00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:25,911
That's a toughie.
33
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:29,848
It was either Colonel Klink
or Sergeant Schultz.
34
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:33,218
Probably Klink. Schultz could
have never pulled it off.
35
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,222
- Hi, guys.
- Anything for me?
36
00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:38,824
[chuckles]
37
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,793
There you go, Mr. Mailing List.
38
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,996
"National Cat Society."
39
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,833
Ooh, my Ms. Magazine.
40
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,036
[gasps]
41
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,838
What is it, ALF?
42
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:56,141
It's from
the National Inquisitor.
43
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,943
So?
44
00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:00,045
Well, I sent them
a nasty letter.
45
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:03,582
I'm afraid I rather
abused the exclamation point.
46
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,450
They could be mad.
47
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,319
Biting mad.
48
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,188
Zsa Zsa Gabor mad.
49
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,457
Here's a reckless thought.
50
00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:14,793
Why don't you open it
and find out?
51
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,562
It might be booby-trapped!
52
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:19,698
It could explode
upon contact with fur!
53
00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:23,302
ALF, you're imagining things.
54
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,504
You've obviously never had
a greeting card
55
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,806
go off in your hand.
56
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,008
Here, Lynn, you read it.
57
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:37,216
ALF, this isn't bad at all.
58
00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:40,219
Drop it. It's gonna blow!
59
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,654
They'd like to know if you'd
consider turning your letter
60
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,224
into an article
for their next issue.
61
00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,626
ALF, what did you say
to these people?
62
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:50,729
I merely told them
that Amazon-type females
63
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,967
do not live in Alpha Centauri,
but on Xerxes Four.
64
00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:57,336
Is that near where Melmac was?
65
00:03:57,338 --> 00:04:00,205
It's in the tri-planet area.
66
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:04,710
ALF, they're willing to pay you
$250 for the story.
67
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,245
What?
68
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,549
I'm gonna be read
in one of America's most
69
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:14,686
highly-respected
sleaze tabloids.
70
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,789
If only mom was here
to see this!
71
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,992
[instrumental music]
72
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,430
Joanie, that's too bad.
73
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:30,135
Well, for what it's worth,
it is never easy breaking up.
74
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,504
You'll feel better
once the bitterness sets in.
75
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:33,739
[knocking on door]
76
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,073
Listen, I gotta go, okay?
77
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,909
I-I'll talk to you
tomorrow. Bye.
78
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,712
- Is that you again, ALF?
- 'Yeah.'
79
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,148
- 'Can I come in?'
- No.
80
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,452
- Too late.
- ALF, I have to study.
81
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:50,289
I don't have time
to read your article again.
82
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:53,358
Then I'll stare at you
until you do.
83
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,627
Suit yourself.
84
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,329
[sighs]
85
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,004
It's fine, ALF.
86
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,706
Oh, arm wrestling
for the captured
87
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:10,742
mating stock
is really a good hook.
88
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:14,913
"Good?" You said "Great"
the last four drafts.
89
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:19,851
ALF, this is only eight
paragraphs in a sleazy magazine.
90
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:24,156
Are you kidding?
This could launch my career!
91
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:28,260
Fine. Well, then it's perfect.
Couldn't be better than this.
92
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:31,063
It redefines journalism
as we know it.
93
00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:34,700
I'd send it in just like it is.
94
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,402
(ALF)
'You hate it, don't you?'
95
00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,404
[instrumental music]
96
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:44,276
Brian, it's not like you
to get a 'D' on a test.
97
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:45,677
I'm sorry.
98
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,746
Whatever made you think
that Colonel Klink
99
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,615
started World War II?
100
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:53,352
So it was Sergeant Schultz.
101
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,887
I didn't think he had it in him.
102
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:59,591
I'd say we've isolated
the problem.
103
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:03,462
Brian, from now on
you study alone.
104
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,364
And you.
105
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,265
We've been all through this, ALF
106
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:11,436
most of what you see on
television is for entertainment.
107
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,939
It's not real.
108
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:18,310
That explains why the California
Raisins don't return my calls.
109
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:23,382
Hi. Good news, they came in.
110
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,016
What did?
111
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,419
You mean you still
haven't told them, ALF?
112
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:30,822
Oh, I hate hearing those words.
113
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,724
Oh-oh, it's not
what you think, dad.
114
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,092
See, the Inquisitor asked ALF
115
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:37,996
to write an article
about Amazon women in space.
116
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,899
The blood is draining
from my head.
117
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,636
ALF, we have been
trying to protect you
118
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,204
from the outside world.
119
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,040
Your writing articles
for a national publication
120
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,376
kind of runs counter to that.
121
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,711
Chill out, Kate.
122
00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,079
I did nothing to jeopardize
123
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:57,048
the good thing
we've got going here.
124
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,017
Lynn, I'd expect this
from an alien
125
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,952
but why on Earth
would you help him?
126
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:04,256
But, dad, he wrote it under
an assumed name.
127
00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:05,657
"Mr. Universe."
128
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,726
I toyed with "Mr. Know-It-All"
129
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,061
but that was too on the nose.
130
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:12,898
I've read it, dad.
It's pretty good.
131
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,201
- Pretty good?
- Don't start!
132
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,370
- Let's see it.
- It's on page five.
133
00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:20,138
Oh, when did you
add the part about them
134
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:23,508
riding around on the backs
of two-headed lizards?
135
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,243
I didn't write that.
136
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,145
Everyone knows
they cruise around
137
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:31,483
in four-wheel-drive vehicles!
Braless!
138
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:33,418
This is the same magazine
that broke the story
139
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,555
of Oprah's thin twin
stealing her show.
140
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,457
What do you expect?
141
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:40,325
That's what's so confusing.
142
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:42,727
They get the Hollywood
stories right
143
00:07:42,729 --> 00:07:45,797
but miss with the space stuff.
144
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,099
Yeah. Real confusing.
145
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:51,870
- Okay, what are my options?
- You have no options.
146
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:54,439
Okay, that's one.
147
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,174
You could sue them?
148
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,376
Now you're speaking my language.
149
00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,712
Listen to me.
You're not gonna do anything.
150
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:04,182
You're just gonna be grateful
this didn't turn out any worse.
151
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,084
Okay, but you better hope
152
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:09,221
those big-boned babes
don't come after you.
153
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:12,090
They'd snap you in half
at the pelvis.
154
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:15,293
[instrumental music]
155
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,801
Marilyn Geiser, please?
156
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,569
Yes, I'll hold.
157
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,706
Stay calm. Stay calm.
158
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,407
[exhales]
159
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,745
Marilyn, babe,
what in the ding-dong heck
160
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,080
are you doing down there?
161
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,582
You're busting my chops!
162
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:38,917
Who is this?
163
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,853
It's Mr. Universe.
164
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,655
Arnold?
165
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,123
No, the writer!
166
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:49,160
I wrote the story about
the Amazon women on Xerxes Four.
167
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,296
The one you ruined!
168
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,798
I'm sorry.
Could you be more specific?
169
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:58,436
The one you changed
to two-headed flying lizards.
170
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,773
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.
171
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,475
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
172
00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:05,110
We bought a picture
of a two-headed lizard
173
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,312
and had to use it somewhere.
174
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:12,150
Oh, and by the way,
everyone loved the article.
175
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:16,354
You can't tell lies about
my friends and get away with it!
176
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:21,493
A-are you saying
you were abducted by aliens?
177
00:09:21,495 --> 00:09:23,662
Were you taken forcibly?
178
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,363
- No!
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
179
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:28,066
So you, uh,
you went voluntarily?
180
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,702
Yeah. No, no.
It was a long weekend.
181
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,804
Her mothers were out of town.
182
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,072
Oops.
183
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,308
[imitates call waiting]
184
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,777
Uh, there goes my call waiting.
I have to go.
185
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,346
Uh, uh, Mr. Universe, uh..
186
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:45,050
Would you mind granting us
an interview?
187
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:48,620
We'll pay you $250.
188
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,622
No, I can't!
189
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,357
$500!
190
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,694
Okay, okay, look. I'll tell
you what, Mr. Universe.
191
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,529
By granting us this interview
192
00:09:57,531 --> 00:10:02,133
we'll give you a chance to set
the record straight, I promise.
193
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,938
Could you have that
made out to cash?
194
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,541
Absolutely.
195
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:11,476
- Fire away.
- Oh, no, no, no.
196
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:14,512
Not on the phone.
We'll be right over.
197
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,514
Wait! Wait! Hey! Hey!
198
00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,385
Willie's gonna freak.
199
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,056
[instrumental music]
200
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:28,793
Willie, you got a moment
for a pal?
201
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,762
What is it, pal?
202
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:35,567
Well, remember earlier when all
the blood rushed from your head?
203
00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:38,236
Yes. Why?
204
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:42,040
- It might happen again.
- What do you mean?
205
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,441
You didn't write
another angry letter
206
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:46,511
to the National Inquisitor,
now did you?
207
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,146
Another option!
208
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,149
Where were you an hour ago
when I called them?
209
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,851
- You called them?
- Wait.
210
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,320
Save some blood, there's more.
211
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,821
More?
212
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,723
They're on their way over.
213
00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:00,091
[doorbell rings]
214
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,727
Well, they'll fill in the rest.
215
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:04,796
Well, wh-what did you tell them?
216
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:08,466
Oh, I called my editor
to express my anger and outrage.
217
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,669
And somehow
she got it in her head
218
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,905
that I had contact with aliens.
219
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,674
What a kook, huh?
220
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,142
[doorbell rings]
221
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:18,910
Get in the kitchen.
222
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:22,347
I love it when you
take charge, man. I really do.
223
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,553
Why me?
224
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:37,429
Hello. Mr. Universe?
225
00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:39,898
I'm sorry. I think you want
the gym down the street.
226
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,867
[chuckles]
That's strange.
227
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,570
I'm sorry. I'm Marilyn Geiser.
228
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:50,175
We've been communicating with
a Mr. Universe at this address.
229
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:53,111
We don't receive mail
at this address.
230
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,380
That's pretty lame.
231
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:58,283
Okay, okay, look, look,
if it's the money
232
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,985
we're willing to go
as high as $750.
233
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,021
[sighs]
234
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:05,857
I can't help you.
Uh, don't. Uh, plea..
235
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:09,060
You can see I'm very busy.
Would you mind..
236
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,429
Would you stop that, please?
Plea..
237
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,598
If you don't get out
of here immediately
238
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,799
I'm calling the police.
239
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:17,802
Okay, hey. Suit yourself.
240
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,672
Come on, Phil.
241
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,683
You owe me a big one, buster.
242
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:33,451
I really appreciate it.
243
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,287
- Now get them back.
- What?
244
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,923
That yahoo might have
taken my picture!
245
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,458
- Oh, no!
- Yeah!
246
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,661
Get them back before
they drive away with the film.
247
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,029
How?
248
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:46,798
Do I have to
think of everything?
249
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,637
Oh, miss. Oh, miss?
250
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,741
Will you get out of here?
251
00:12:56,743 --> 00:13:00,545
No, wait. Wait!
252
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,214
What's going on?
Why is dad yelling?
253
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,983
Why is he chasing that van?
254
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,819
The photographer
accidentally took my picture.
255
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:11,422
- We have to get it back!
- How do we do that?
256
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,225
You're just like your father.
257
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:17,428
Quick, they're coming.
Get in the kitchen.
258
00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:21,800
I knew you'd change your mind.
259
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:24,402
What was it, huh? The money?
260
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:28,106
Okay. Where's that
nice photographer?
261
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,942
Oh, he's out in the van.
262
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:33,278
He's afraid of you.
263
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,113
Well, if, uh,
I'm gonna do this thing
264
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,348
I wanna have my picture taken.
265
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:42,053
My, aren't we Mr. Cooperative
all of a sudden.
266
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:44,656
Hey, Phil! Come on back in.
267
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:50,361
Well, let's just get right
to it, shall we?
268
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:57,702
How did the so-called aliens
first make contact with you?
269
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,005
Whoa.
270
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,107
Didn't see that one coming.
271
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,076
You are good.
272
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,778
Hey, Phil.
273
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,048
Nice to see you again.
274
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,783
Oh..
275
00:14:11,785 --> 00:14:13,751
What are you doing?
276
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,453
I'm reloading my camera.
277
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:18,056
But what happened
to the film you had?
278
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,291
I used it up.
279
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,627
[loudly]
So, what you're saying is
280
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:27,632
your other film is in the van?
281
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,334
[loudly]
Yeah.
282
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,104
Good, dad. Real subtle.
283
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,073
- What are we gonna do?
- Alright.
284
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:38,877
We break into a doctor's office,
steal an X-ray machine
285
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,813
and push it back and forth
in front of the van.
286
00:14:41,815 --> 00:14:44,616
ALF, you don't need
a doctor's office.
287
00:14:44,618 --> 00:14:48,186
Then where do you expect me
to get an X-ray machine?
288
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,922
All you have to do
is go into the van
289
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:53,424
and expose all of the film.
290
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,794
Well, it's a little far-fetched,
but it could work.
291
00:14:56,796 --> 00:15:00,565
Good thinking. That's why
you barely made it into college.
292
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:01,900
Okay, go.
293
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:05,303
I'll tell dad to stall.
You guys just go get the film.
294
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:14,379
Oh, then I found myself
on an examining table
295
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,814
in a room full of light.
296
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,049
Uh..
297
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:21,753
A kind of light
that I-I've never seen before.
298
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:28,726
They spoke, but, uh,
their lips never moved.
299
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,431
- Dad.
- Lynn..
300
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,467
Lynn. Really, really glad
to see you.
301
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,803
Uh, Marilyn, Phil,
this is my daughter, Lynn.
302
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:40,038
- Hi.
- Uh..
303
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,006
These people are
from the National Inquisitor.
304
00:15:42,008 --> 00:15:44,409
I know. It's nice to meet you.
305
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,911
Say, dad, can I talk to you
about something
306
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,880
entirely off the subject?
307
00:15:48,882 --> 00:15:51,816
Of course, dear.
If you'll excuse us..
308
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:57,021
- So, what do you think?
- So far, so good.
309
00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,157
This is the first UFO victim
we've talked to
310
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,491
who speaks in complete sentences
311
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:04,329
and doesn't wear his name
on his belt.
312
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,864
Lynn, how could you let Brian
do that?
313
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,967
- He's only aiding and abetting.
- Oh.
314
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:12,437
Besides, you should have heard
ALF's plan.
315
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,939
I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up.
316
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,641
Oh, you're doing great, dad.
317
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:20,645
That lip thing was inspired.
318
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,947
I don't know how many more
"Star Treks" I've got in me.
319
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:26,217
Oh, how about the one
where they went to that planet
320
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,419
where all their wishes
came true?
321
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,588
I wish I were there now.
322
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,789
Look, I'll do what I can.
323
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,559
You let me know
as soon as they're safe.
324
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,966
ALF, have you found the film?
325
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:47,171
No, but they got a picture
of Roseanne Barr in the nude.
326
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,407
That's a keeper.
327
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,609
[shudders]
328
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,713
Whoa.
329
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:59,150
Oh, hey, they've got
a refrigerator in here.
330
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,019
ALF, hurry up!
331
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,921
Oh, rats!
332
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:07,692
A great setup like this, and all
he's got in here is film.
333
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,828
Now I'm really hungry.
334
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,167
Go ahead. You were saying..
335
00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:18,770
I found myself
336
00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:23,674
floating weightless
through a dense fog.
337
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:30,615
It was unlike any fog
I ever floated in before.
338
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:31,949
Wow.
339
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:37,722
Darn right wow.
340
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,958
You, uh, you wrote
in your article, um
341
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,961
about how the Amazons used
their, their male captives
342
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:45,329
as, as love slaves.
343
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:47,532
Uh, that's kind of personal.
344
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,600
That's why it sells.
345
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:56,240
So..
346
00:17:56,242 --> 00:18:01,579
Well, there wasn't, uh,
a lot of affection.
347
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,481
[door opens]
348
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,652
- Oh, hi, honey.
- Kate..
349
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:13,091
Uh, Kate, these people are here
from the Inquisitor.
350
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:16,160
They're here to get
Mr. Universe's story.
351
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:20,698
Well, isn't that something.
352
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:25,770
Where is...Mr. Universe?
353
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:29,607
- It's okay, honey. They know.
- They know?
354
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,511
About my travels
to other solar systems? Yes.
355
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,748
That's nice.
356
00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:41,385
I'm gonna go check on the baby.
357
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:44,489
Mrs. Universe, your husband
was just about to tell us
358
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,124
what it was like
to be the main-course
359
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,693
at an Amazon love feast.
360
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,761
Or I could sit in.
361
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:55,466
Continue, please.
362
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,771
It was very hot.
363
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:05,843
It was like a heat
I've never felt before.
364
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,814
ALF, did you find it?
365
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,883
Just a few more rolls to go.
366
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:17,989
However, I could use a cream
soda to wash down this ASA 400.
367
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,957
Just hurry up!
368
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,492
[belches]
369
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:26,264
[belches]
370
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:35,673
This is much too good
to waste on an article.
371
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,742
I'm telling you,
if you're interested
372
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:41,145
I can get you a book deal
out of this.
373
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:44,815
- Mission accomplished.
- Great. I'll signal dad.
374
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:54,358
Uh, thanks for the offer, but,
uh, I think I've said enough.
375
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,494
I wish you'd reconsider.
376
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:57,929
I'd like you to leave now.
377
00:19:57,931 --> 00:20:02,033
I-I can get you an advance
of $1500 right now.
378
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:06,504
Mrs. Universe,
can't you reason with him.
379
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:09,674
No offense, Marilyn, but weren't
you the least bit suspicious
380
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:11,609
when he referred
to the leader of the Amazons
381
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:15,446
as "Lieutenant Uhura?"
382
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,014
I don't believe you people.
383
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:20,117
You twist around the truth,
you invade our homes
384
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,486
you take our picture
without my permission
385
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:25,489
and then you have the nerve
to try to buy me off?
386
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,291
But you ran after us
to come back.
387
00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:29,594
- Shut up, Phil.
- Yes, sir.
388
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,529
What's worse is
you sat here and listened to me
389
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:35,800
make up story after story
from old "Star Trek" episodes
390
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:41,239
and not only did you not notice,
you offered me a book deal.
391
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,573
Well..
392
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,342
You obviously haven't made
the transition
393
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,777
back to society very well.
394
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,579
Come on, Phil.
395
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,785
I don't need this, you know.
396
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,387
I've got a picture
of Roseanne Barr
397
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:58,589
that's gonna make me rich.
398
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:06,197
Now, the next time
you leave the galaxy, Willie
399
00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:07,531
we go together.
400
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,166
[laughing]
401
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,736
- Way to go, dad.
- I'm proud of you.
402
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,038
Uh, speaking of leaving
the galaxy
403
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,441
I'd like to have a word
with ALF. Where is he?
404
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:20,811
He said he needed a minute
to cover his tracks.
405
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:23,314
You mean you left him
in the van?
406
00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:25,716
Hey, it's my first heist.
407
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,219
Oh, no!
408
00:21:28,221 --> 00:21:31,222
Marilyn. Phil. Wait up.
409
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,127
Where's Willie going?
410
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:41,432
ALF, we all thought
you were in the van.
411
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:44,235
Willie, stop!
412
00:21:44,237 --> 00:21:46,904
He's a good guy
to have on your side.
413
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:50,241
And surprisingly fast.
414
00:21:50,243 --> 00:21:52,243
[instrumental music]
415
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,447
ALF calling Fat Man.
416
00:21:56,449 --> 00:21:58,282
ALF calling Fat Man.
417
00:21:58,284 --> 00:22:00,351
Come in, Your Buickness.
418
00:22:00,353 --> 00:22:02,486
(Fat Man)
'Who is calling at this hour?'
419
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,722
It's ALF.
420
00:22:04,724 --> 00:22:06,957
You wanna hear
what I learned this week?
421
00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:09,026
(Fat Man)
'No. I don't.'
422
00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:11,829
I learned that freedom
of the press is a right
423
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:13,331
not a privilege.
424
00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:15,866
And those rights
should be protected
425
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:19,236
for without them,
Earthlings are lost.
426
00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:23,007
(Fat Man)
'Didn't you used to go
with that cute little brunette?'
427
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:28,112
Uh, sir, I can see you're still
one sandwich short of a picnic.
428
00:22:28,114 --> 00:22:30,014
(Fat Man)
'Is that a new outfit?'
429
00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:33,718
Oh, yeah. I had to change it
for legal reasons.
430
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,386
Until next week.
431
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:39,223
[gasps]
432
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:42,360
Whoa!
433
00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,463
That'll teach me to eat film
before going to bed.
434
00:22:47,233 --> 00:22:48,399
[belches]
435
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:56,040
[theme music]
436
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:19,096
[music continues]
437
00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:23,267
[ALF laughs]