1
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,737
Uh-huh.

2
00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:07,239
Well, I know that, Neal,
but it's important

3
00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,508
now that you-you move on.

4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,977
Get off the phone.

5
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,445
I understand that too

6
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,881
but y-you shouldn't just sit
around being depressed.

7
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,084
Tell him life's a drag,
then you die.

8
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:21,553
Now, get off the phone.

9
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,757
Will you let go of my pants?

10
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:29,061
Oh, I was talking to...Kate.

11
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:32,197
Ah, she said hi.

12
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:35,234
Of course. Any time
you wanna talk, I'm here.

13
00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:38,237
Ah, that's what
brothers are for.

14
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,571
Uncle Neal again?

15
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,708
Who else?
The guy's a royal pain in the--

16
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,743
ALF.

17
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:47,646
I'm sick of this guy
calling all the time.

18
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:50,482
He's like hemorrhoids
with a dialing finger.

19
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,752
Have a little compassion, ALF.

20
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,889
Uncle Neal is going through
a really rough time right now.

21
00:00:56,891 --> 00:01:00,559
I know, I know.
His wife left him.

22
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:04,663
What I can't figure out
is why it took her so long.

23
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,833
Neal, gotta stop
doing this to yourself.

24
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,935
It's time
you took charge of things.

25
00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:11,003
Don't you see?

26
00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:14,173
You have to grab life
by the lapels

27
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:17,676
and shake your spirit free.

28
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,812
How Zen.

29
00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,847
A lot of people
have their dogs neutered, Neal.

30
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,449
It doesn't mean that
Margaret necessarily

31
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:25,317
meant anything by it.

32
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,053
Compared to Fido,
Neal's getting off easy.

33
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,688
[laughs]

34
00:01:30,925 --> 00:01:33,525
[theme music]

35
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,755
[music continues]

36
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,987
[instrumental music]

37
00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:42,027
Come on, Eric.
Give us a smile.

38
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,595
Give us a big smile.

39
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,498
You could do it. Come on.

40
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,634
'Smile.'

41
00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:50,836
'Now, Kate! Now!'

42
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:56,875
Good boy. Good boy.
That was the last bite.

43
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,878
They're so easy to
manipulate at this age.

44
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,181
I'll get it.

45
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,715
Oh, if it's Uncle Neal

46
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,484
tell him I'm not here.

47
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:09,688
Dad. You want me to lie?

48
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,958
It's not a lie,
it's a...relative.

49
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,361
That's how Lizzie Borden
got started.

50
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:20,832
First she lied to her parents,
then she hacked them to pieces.

51
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:25,070
Probably looked a lot like this.
Only not so veiny.

52
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:29,041
Check, please.

53
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:31,143
Just a second. You're safe, dad.
It's for me.

54
00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:33,478
I'm-I'm gonna take it
in the other room.

55
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,947
You know,
now that I think about it

56
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:37,482
we haven't heard from
your brother in days.

57
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,685
I think he probably took
the advice I gave him

58
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,487
and started taking charge
of his own life.

59
00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:43,922
That poor guy.

60
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,857
To have invested ten years
with the same person

61
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,694
and have it end so badly.

62
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,562
Well, at least he's got
his storm-door business

63
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,164
to keep him occupied.

64
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:55,701
Talk about that Tanner zest
for life.

65
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,941
[instrumental music]

66
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,113
- Morning, ALF.
- Morning.

67
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,848
Did dad give
the Ochmoneks permission

68
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,184
to park one of their campers
in our driveway?

69
00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:14,186
You know, this sort of thing
wouldn't happen

70
00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:16,588
if we didn't live in
what Geraldo calls

71
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,224
a marginal neighborhood.

72
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:20,592
[doorbell rings]

73
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,661
Ugh. Who could that be
at this hour?

74
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,696
Probably someone marginal.

75
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,702
Who could possibly be
ringing our doorbell

76
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,138
at 7:00 in the morning?

77
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,307
It's Neal.

78
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,576
- Neal.
- Surprise!

79
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:41,680
Oh, yeah, it sure is that.

80
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,749
Well, come on. Come on in.

81
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:45,317
I hope I'm not ringing
too early.

82
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,618
Oh, nonsense.

83
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,454
No, it's-it's wonderful
to see you.

84
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,490
- Hi, Neal.
- Oh, Lynnie.

85
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,392
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming?

86
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,260
Well,
because the new Neal Tanner

87
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,729
is spontaneous, impetuous.

88
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,334
Oh, you're looking
at my new camper, aren't you?

89
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,671
- That's yours?
- Yeah, isn't she a beauty?

90
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,106
Then those are your boxer shorts
on the antenna.

91
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,976
I didn't realize
you were such a big Batman fan.

92
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,845
I lost the clothesline
just outside of Albuquerque.

93
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,516
I didn't know you liked camping,
Neal.

94
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,786
Well, I don't, actually. Uh..

95
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:24,956
This was all your idea, Willie.
Don't you remember?

96
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,259
I-I told you to
take up camping?

97
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:30,595
No, you told me
to grab life by the lapels

98
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:33,532
and shake my spirit free,
right?

99
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,467
A words to that effect.

100
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,736
Well, I finally did.

101
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,004
I mean, you made me realize

102
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,207
I was living in this
teeny-weeny little rut.

103
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,176
And after Margaret bolted

104
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:48,213
it just kept getting
teenier and ruttier and..

105
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,115
So I finally did
what you told me to do.

106
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,751
I quit my job,
I gave up my apartment

107
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,420
I traded in the Valiant
and-and I bought that camper

108
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:58,123
and, well, here I am.

109
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,725
I'm a new man.

110
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,262
I never told you to do
any of those things, Neal.

111
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:08,734
Well, no, not in so many words.
I sort of read in.

112
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,069
[metal clanging]

113
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:15,907
Excuse me.

114
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,843
This is a special moment.

115
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:20,345
Why don't I go make us
an international coffee?

116
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,913
Irish mocha mint?

117
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,451
- ALF.
- What?

118
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:29,988
I was looking for a shrimp fork.
These are too big.

119
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,624
Just be quiet.
Uncle Neal is here.

120
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:33,658
I know.

121
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,495
See? It was someone marginal.

122
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:40,232
By the way, your father's
quite the advice giver.

123
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,768
You know what you get
when you shake life's lapels?

124
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,370
Life's dandruff.
That's what you get.

125
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,675
Shh.

126
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:53,278
[instrumental music]

127
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,462
Ah, got your, uh,
utilities hooked up.

128
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,730
Oh, thank you.

129
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,098
But really, Neal, you know

130
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,866
you're more than welcome
to sleep in the house.

131
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,301
No, no, no.

132
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,504
The new, independent Neal Tanner
takes care of himself.

133
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,740
Thanks though.

134
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,576
It's really good to see you,
Neal.

135
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:27,045
It's been a long time.

136
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,313
You know what they say.

137
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,915
Families only seem to
get together

138
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,250
at weddings and funerals.

139
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:35,287
Now we can add
divorces to that.

140
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:38,290
Kind of funny, isn't it?

141
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,559
- You're gonna be okay, Neal.
- I know.

142
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,260
You're gonna be okay.

143
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,963
You still make the best
hospital corners in our family.

144
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,932
Yeah. You want me to
come in and do yours?

145
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:50,335
No, no. No, thanks.
Kate's asleep.

146
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,771
Well, that's no problem.
I can work around her.

147
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,440
I worked around Margaret
all the time.

148
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,609
You mean you doted
on Margaret so much

149
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,312
that she didn't have to get out
of the bed for you to make it?

150
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,381
No sense both of us being up.

151
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,285
But hey,
that's all behind me now.

152
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,854
Now that I've grabbed
life by the lapels

153
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,856
and shaken my spirit free.

154
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,458
Thanks to you.

155
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,861
Yeah.

156
00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,296
Yeah, about that, Neal.

157
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,967
Ah, what I really meant was,
I think..

158
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:25,203
...was sit down, relax

159
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:28,006
don't make any rash decisions.

160
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,709
Above all,
don't uproot your whole life

161
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:34,179
and drive into somebody's
driveway in a Winnebago.

162
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,249
You're afraid
I'm gonna be a burden.

163
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:40,252
No, Neal. No..

164
00:08:40,254 --> 00:08:43,688
I'm just wondering if you really
thought this thing through.

165
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,090
What about your job?

166
00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,425
You-you loved
selling storm doors.

167
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:50,829
I did, but I don't necessarily
think that man was meant to

168
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,631
just do one thing
with his life, Willie.

169
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,133
And n-now is a good time
for me to take some risks.

170
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,035
So, I was thinking about
getting into sunroofs.

171
00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,138
What do you think?
Do you know anybody in sunroofs?

172
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:04,776
- No, afraid not.
- I know.

173
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:08,280
It's a tough game to crack
unless you know somebody.

174
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:11,483
But hey, I made it
in storm doors, didn't I?

175
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:13,318
- Sure did.
- Mm.

176
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,487
You wanna know something?
I'm gonna do it all on my own.

177
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,722
You're looking at the new,
revamped Neal Tanner.

178
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,959
I am strong, I am invincible.

179
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,528
Do you know any women
that fool around?

180
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,863
Just a little.

181
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,000
[instrumental music]

182
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:39,110
You gonna finish that?

183
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:43,481
No, I was gonna store it
in my cheeks until winter.

184
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:46,551
There's more food, Brian.
What would you like thirds of?

185
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,486
Everything.

186
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,855
Where did you learn to cook
so well, Uncle Neal?

187
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:55,694
Well, breakfast was Margaret's
favorite meal of the afternoon.

188
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,396
Except on weekends,
when she'd sleep late.

189
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,800
You know, sometimes I wonder

190
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,903
where she got the energy
to leave me.

191
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,738
- Good morning, guys.
- Morning, Willie.

192
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,306
What would you like
for breakfast?

193
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,775
Eggs, sausage,
cinnamon rolls, waffles..

194
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,446
Oh, uh...a couple of eggs
and toast will be fine.

195
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,780
Okay.
How would you like those cooked?

196
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,483
Scrambled, over easy,
boiled, fried?

197
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,052
Coddled.

198
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,455
One minute,
two minutes, three minutes?

199
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,992
- Surprise me.
- Roger Wilco.

200
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:33,298
You know who is not very happy
about you know what.

201
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,102
Well, we'll just have to tell
you know who

202
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:40,605
that he can go you know where.

203
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:44,643
He told me to tell you he's made
a voodoo doll in your image.

204
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,244
[chuckles]

205
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,082
[instrumental music]

206
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,759
Nice touch.

207
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,194
Subtle, but it makes a point.

208
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,765
I can understand your feelings,
ALF.

209
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,034
I can also understand
your dilemma.

210
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:13,204
What I can't understand
is this note.

211
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:16,741
It's in English.
What don't you understand?

212
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:19,044
"Dear Neal,
take some advice from a guy

213
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,479
"who loves you like a brother.

214
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,982
"There's a camper
leaving town at noon

215
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,617
"either be in it or under it.

216
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:28,386
Love, Anonymous."

217
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,389
I love when you read to me.

218
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,224
You left this on
the kitchen table

219
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,459
hoping that Neal would see it

220
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,494
and think it was from me,
didn't you?

221
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,563
Let him draw
his own conclusions.

222
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:41,533
I didn't say
it was from his brother.

223
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:45,136
- Clever, yes?
- Clever? No.

224
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,238
Insensitive? Yes.

225
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,974
Contemptuous? Absolutely.

226
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,277
Fortunately,
Neal didn't see it.

227
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,748
If my brother wants to
visit here for a while

228
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,450
he's welcome, ALF.

229
00:11:58,452 --> 00:11:59,718
Fine.

230
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,219
But if you were more forceful

231
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,822
and less sympathetic
to freeloaders

232
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:06,991
perhaps he'd get the hint.

233
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,727
I'm ending
this conversation now.

234
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,396
But before I go, I'd like you to
imagine what my being

235
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,431
less sympathetic
to freeloaders might mean

236
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,468
to the fate of another member
of this household.

237
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,239
He's right.

238
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,775
Kate would have been history
a long time ago.

239
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,081
[instrumental music]

240
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,288
- How'd your talk with ALF go?
- Oh.

241
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,625
How do my talks
with ALF usually go?

242
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:43,762
- I'll get your antacid pills.
- Thanks.

243
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,599
He's just, he's got to
accept the fact

244
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,702
that Neal is gonna be here
for a while.

245
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:57,442
Just for clarity, exactly how
would you define "a while?"

246
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,511
Oh, Kate, don't you start too.

247
00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:01,212
This-this is my kid brother

248
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,782
and he happens to
need me right now.

249
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:06,184
Willie, I like Neal very much

250
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,253
but he has always used you
to shield himself

251
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,621
from the real world.

252
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,589
That's not true.

253
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,759
You proposed to his ex-wife
for him.

254
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:18,096
Neal is shy
and is subject to shingles.

255
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,598
I had no choice.

256
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,635
You are obviously too close
to be objective about this.

257
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:26,437
- I'm objective.
- No, you're not, honey.

258
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:30,241
Well, why should I be, anyway?
He's my brother.

259
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,743
Look, all I am saying is

260
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:34,612
if Neal is serious about putting
his life in order

261
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,448
and putting Margaret behind him,
we're not helping.

262
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,784
No matter how well we're eating.

263
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,954
What are you saying, then?

264
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,989
Look, he needs to
learn to fend for himself.

265
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,658
Maybe he needs a little push.

266
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,761
Besides, this whole situation
is not exactly fair to ALF.

267
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,696
[knocking on door]

268
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,965
Speaking of which..

269
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,334
What is it, ALF?

270
00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:00,505
- Willie?
- Neal?

271
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,173
Sorry to bother you so late.

272
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,709
- Hi, Kate.
- Hi, Neal.

273
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,144
Who's ALF?

274
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,481
ALF?

275
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,383
Willie was talking to me.
He calls me ALF.

276
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:15,086
Sort of a pet name.

277
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,322
I'm his little ALF.

278
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,691
Oh, that's darling.

279
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:23,862
You know, I used to call
Margaret my little chicken taco.

280
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,730
That was her favorite snack.

281
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,867
That, and any kind of beef.

282
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:33,671
Neal, is there
something you wanted?

283
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,473
Oh. T.P.

284
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,843
"T.P.?"

285
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,378
Toilet paper.

286
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,481
I'm plumb out, and I used up
all my napkins too.

287
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,619
I'll get you some.

288
00:14:47,621 --> 00:14:49,787
Thank you, ALF.

289
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,961
[instrumental music]

290
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,701
[burps]
Yeah.

291
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:06,304
You know, if you eat fast,
you could eat more.

292
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:09,641
Yeah.
It also adds to the ambience.

293
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,009
I know.

294
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,877
[burps]

295
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:14,012
Good morning, dad.

296
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:17,282
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF.

297
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,918
ALF, what are you doing
down here?

298
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:24,322
- Finishing oatmeal with clams.
- Well, go back upstairs.

299
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:26,124
Neal could come in here
any minute.

300
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,293
I don't think so.
He's gone.

301
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:31,396
Gone?
What do you mean gone?

302
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:34,732
Relax, I don't mean dead.

303
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,735
I saw his boxer shorts
drive by my window.

304
00:15:40,674 --> 00:15:42,273
ALF.

305
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,342
Kate, Neal drove off
in his camper

306
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:45,376
early this morning.

307
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,478
That's odd.

308
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,781
Well, I'll just mosey on off

309
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:53,217
to the television area
if no one minds.

310
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:56,287
Hold it. Somebody minds.

311
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,291
What do you know about this?

312
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,926
About what?

313
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:04,262
I want you to look me in the eye

314
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:06,597
and tell me you didn't write him
another note.

315
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,533
I didn't write him
another note.

316
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:16,274
Uh...pay no attention
to my ears.

317
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,078
Nice try.

318
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,047
I told you this was
none of your concern, didn't I?

319
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:27,318
Didn't I make it perfectly clear
you were to stay out of this?

320
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,121
Obviously not clear enough.

321
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:33,358
What exactly did this note say,
ALF?

322
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:37,362
Well, I seem to recall,
and I'm paraphrasing now

323
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:41,065
"Amscray,
wearing out your welcome."

324
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,633
Oh, and "deadbeat."

325
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,170
"Sincerely yours,
William Tanner."

326
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,039
You signed my name?

327
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:51,576
Well, you got mad when I signed
the first one Anonymous.

328
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,644
Is there no pleasing you?

329
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:57,482
[instrumental music]

330
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:03,921
Alright.

331
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:07,759
What do you call a mushroom that
buys all the drinks?

332
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,629
A fungi to be with.

333
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:14,432
A fungi to be with.

334
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,034
[laughing]

335
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,405
Ah, I kill me.

336
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,974
Would you like any help?

337
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:25,877
What did I do
that was so terrible?

338
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,646
You hurt Uncle Neal's feelings
and made him leave.

339
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,682
Before he could fix dinner.

340
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:35,553
You made my own brother
feel unwelcome in my home.

341
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,157
Well, you made me feel unwelcome
in my home.

342
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:43,428
Neal was my brother long before
you were ever my, my..

343
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,397
What is he, anyway?

344
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,266
Don't get me started.

345
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,568
[doorbell rings]

346
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,504
ALF, hide in the kitchen.

347
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,840
ALF, hide in the kitchen, what?

348
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:59,644
ALF, hide in the kitchen now.

349
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,680
There, was that so hard?

350
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,954
Neal. Oh, come on in.

351
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,989
I'm so glad you came back.

352
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:16,294
Oh, we are so sorry you left,
honey.

353
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:19,297
- Give me your coat.
- Are you hungry? Mom made--

354
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:23,134
- What was that, anyway?
- Food.

355
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,670
At any rate,
there's plenty left.

356
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,772
Will you cook dinner tomorrow?

357
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,407
[laughs]

358
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,109
What a reception.

359
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,077
If I didn't know better,
I'd swear you all thought

360
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,146
I was gone for good.

361
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,315
Well, I guess we did.

362
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,984
Listen, about that note..

363
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,453
Oh, come on, Willie.

364
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,256
I saw right through
that old trick of yours.

365
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,891
Trick?

366
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:50,361
Didn't your dad ever tell you
about the Marshall Ludwig story?

367
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,896
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- 'Oh.'

368
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,732
Well, when your dad
and I were kids

369
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,668
Marshall Ludwig
was the meanest bully in school.

370
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,238
He was the only fourth grader
with "Love Hate"

371
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,940
tattooed across his knuckles.
I'm not kidding.

372
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:07,145
And for some reason, I seemed
to be his favorite target.

373
00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:10,114
Oh,<i> quelle</i> surprise.

374
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,050
Marshall had followed me home
from school that day

375
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,253
and told me that
the next day at recess

376
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,121
he was gonna beat me up so hard

377
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:20,725
I'd be carrying my head around
in my lunchbox.

378
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,894
And this guy right here

379
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,696
said something
that really made sense.

380
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:29,233
He said, "Neal, you know why
Marshall picks on you?

381
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,002
It's because you're a sissy."

382
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:35,840
Ugh. Even as youngsters,
those two were boring.

383
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:39,310
The next time I saw that bully,
I stood up to him and I said

384
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:40,745
"You wanna stick my head
in my lunchbox

385
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,146
"that's fine with me

386
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,949
because in no way
am I gonna be a sissy."

387
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,185
Didn't I see this
on "The Wonder Years?"

388
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,022
I knew that Willie wrote that
note this morning

389
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:54,659
so I'd get mad and I'd stop
feeling sorry for myself

390
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,628
and, well, I'd get out there
and grab life by the lapels

391
00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:01,098
and shake my spirit free.

392
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,401
- Neal?
- Yeah?

393
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,770
Don't use that phrase.
Ever again.

394
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,238
It's incredibly stupid

395
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,840
and I rue the day I said it
in the first place.

396
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:10,808
Roger Wilco.

397
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:14,145
Neal, don't use that
phrase either.

398
00:20:14,147 --> 00:20:17,315
Now, where have you been
all day? We were worried.

399
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:20,551
Well, I traded in the camper

400
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,520
and I put a deposit
on an apartment

401
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,555
not half a mile from here.

402
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,591
I applied for a job

403
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,327
and then I called up Margaret

404
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,095
and when she answered the phone

405
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,997
I hung up on her.

406
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,932
That means
you're gonna stay here?

407
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,267
Roger Wil..

408
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,003
It looks like it.

409
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:45,109
I hereby re-christen
you Uncle Neal.

410
00:20:50,516 --> 00:20:52,116
[instrumental music]

411
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,519
[laughing]

412
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:58,222
"Dear sissy,
I know where you live

413
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:01,626
"and I've got a lunchbox
with your name on it.

414
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,861
"I'm out on a technicality

415
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:07,531
"and I'm heading your wa..

416
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,734
"Way.

417
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:14,405
Get out of town.
Best wishes, Marshall Ludwig."

418
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,173
[laughing]

419
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,009
Hiss. Hiss.

420
00:21:19,812 --> 00:21:22,280
- ALF.
- Willie!

421
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:25,516
Hand that over.

422
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,987
- Oh, my list of errands?
- How many times are we--

423
00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:32,690
(Kate)
'Neal, let me get that
door for you.'

424
00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,725
- ALF, go to your attic, quick.
- Yeah, yeah.

425
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:37,895
"Go to your attic.
Go to your attic." Boy!

426
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,333
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

427
00:21:42,335 --> 00:21:44,735
Neal, you are so good
with that baby.

428
00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:46,504
Oh. Hi, Willie.

429
00:21:46,506 --> 00:21:49,840
I don't know when I've ever
seen him sleep so much.

430
00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,809
Yeah, thanks, operator.

431
00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:03,154
Hello, Marshall Ludwig?

432
00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,855
Oh, hi, Marshall.

433
00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:06,457
Uh, you don't know me

434
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:10,761
but, uh, I'm about to make you
a very happy man.

435
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:16,267
[instrumental music]

436
00:22:41,928 --> 00:22:43,294
[laughs]