1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:03,936
- Oh. Hi, everybody.
- Morning.

2
00:00:03,938 --> 00:00:08,474
Morning, ALF. How are you
this fine Saturday morning?

3
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:09,641
Alright.

4
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:12,411
I'll be better
once I have some coffee

5
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:14,580
and we talk about death.

6
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:18,183
Death?

7
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,220
I believe it was Nietzsche
who put it best

8
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:24,056
"Life is short. And when it ends

9
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:28,394
we crumble and stink
like an overripe blue cheese."

10
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:31,730
What's he talking about?

11
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:36,402
I found some pictures of you
guys taken before my arrival.

12
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,470
Notice anything obvious?

13
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:41,707
Besides being incredibly happy?

14
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:46,879
Actually, what struck me
is how much you've aged.

15
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,514
Especially you, Kate.

16
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:53,585
I still have 400 years
ahead of me.

17
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:57,322
What am I gonna do when you guys
move in with the dirt people?

18
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,459
Well, we hadn't
really thought about it.

19
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:03,695
Uh, I suppose
you'll move in with Lynn.

20
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,198
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.

21
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,934
This is the first
I've heard of this.

22
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,169
B?

23
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:13,472
I'm sorry, ALF,
but I just can't commit.

24
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,475
I see.

25
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,277
And so it starts.

26
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:24,383
[theme music]

27
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:30,382
I should have crashed on a
planet where people live longer.

28
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,117
I never plan ahead.

29
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:36,155
ALF, you're driving us crazy
with this death obsession.

30
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:38,423
You and Woody Allen.

31
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,592
At least it's funny
when he does it.

32
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:43,795
Oh, he's just bitter
because he can't sell a sitcom.

33
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,599
Well, whatever.

34
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,434
Come on, everybody.

35
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:52,070
We're not gonna
be home too late.

36
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,406
Wait! Do you have to go?

37
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,708
Well, what if something
happens to you?

38
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,210
What will I do?

39
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:01,246
ALF, for the last time,
nothing is going to happen.

40
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,348
We're only going
to a bar mitzvah.

41
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,484
Still, I want you
to take two cars

42
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:08,420
and drive fast through
the bad neighborhoods.

43
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,055
Kate, you take the lead car

44
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:13,859
and wear something bright
to draw their fire.

45
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,461
ALF, has anyone ever told you
when you dwell on something

46
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,764
you become annoyingly obsessed?

47
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,934
No, but thank you.

48
00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:24,703
Come on, we're
running late, hon.

49
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,271
- Bye, ALF.
- Bye, ALF.

50
00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:27,873
- Bye.
- 'Bye.'

51
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:31,210
Hey, whatever you do don't get
trapped between fat people

52
00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:32,945
and the buffet table.

53
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,182
Oh, who am I kidding?

54
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,984
I've gotta face facts.

55
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,754
One day, Willie and Kate are
gonna take that six-foot dive.

56
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,591
And then what?

57
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:49,328
Oh, Lynn.

58
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:51,964
Sweet, unfocused Lynn.

59
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,634
Maybe you're my hope.

60
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,770
[instrumental music]

61
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,709
[mosquito buzzing]

62
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:11,750
ALF, you weren't eating bugs
again, were you?

63
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:15,187
I can't help it, Lynn.
I'm hungry.

64
00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:17,389
They were practically daring me.

65
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:20,092
Oh, but I made us
some nice chicken broth.

66
00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,295
Chicken broth?

67
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,097
What's the occasion?

68
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:29,935
Well, Robert's been working
so hard lately.

69
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,336
He looks so drawn.

70
00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:32,671
I thought a nice, hot meal

71
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,641
might be just the thing
to pick his spirits up.

72
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,576
When is your yutz
of a husband gonna

73
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,511
shape up and do something
with his life?

74
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:40,779
[Lynn sighs]

75
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,048
You're starting to sound
like my mother.

76
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:46,184
You mother, may she burn
for eternity was right.

77
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,522
Honey, I'm home.

78
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,029
Oh, darling.

79
00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:59,331
Did you get a good spot
on the boardwalk today?

80
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:02,200
Yep. Right next
to the public restrooms.

81
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,436
Well, it's about time.

82
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,539
- How much did you make?
- Seventeen dollars.

83
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,142
Oh, honey!

84
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,843
Oh, I have something for you.

85
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:21,119
Nice to see you haven't wasted
the last 30 years.

86
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,655
Thank you, ALF.

87
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,124
You know I need to hear
that from time to time.

88
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,526
Oy.

89
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,561
Oh, I came up
with something new today.

90
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,897
I hope it's edible.

91
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:35,334
You know the old
man-trapped-in-a-box routine?

92
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:37,235
It's one of my very favorites.

93
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:38,970
Well, I found a new twist on it.

94
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,573
Something that makes it
totally unique.

95
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,509
Man trapped in a pyramid.

96
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,211
[laughing]

97
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:47,679
Watch this.

98
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,252
Now, here's where
it gets really difficult, see.

99
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,488
You have to define the space
as a point.

100
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,756
And all you have are your hands.

101
00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:00,759
That's what makes
this really hard.

102
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,662
It's amazing nobody's beaten
you senseless.

103
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:08,266
You still don't believe
in our dream, do you?

104
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:12,137
Robert's going to be recognized
as a genius someday.

105
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:15,507
And then we'll have
everything we ever wanted.

106
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,109
Oh, of course.

107
00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:19,911
All you have to do is take
a drive through Beverly Hills

108
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:23,181
and see the mansions
built by famous mimes.

109
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:27,819
Face it. There's no payoff.

110
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:28,954
Oh, yeah?

111
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:33,258
Well, I have 17 big ones
that says you're wrong.

112
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,659
[laughing]

113
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:37,896
Oh, wake up and smell
the invisible flowers.

114
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,297
Get a job.

115
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:41,400
[telephone rings]

116
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,834
You two.

117
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,972
Hello. Yes.

118
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,243
Well, just a moment, please.

119
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,945
Honey, it's the circus.

120
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,647
Oh, boy.

121
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,048
[laughing]

122
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,986
This is it.

123
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:01,953
Hello.

124
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,790
Yes, this is Robert Sherwood.

125
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,926
A job?

126
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,929
No, I'm not tied
to the mime thing.

127
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,598
Thank you.

128
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,567
You won't be sorry.

129
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,235
See you Monday.

130
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,906
What was that all about?

131
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,274
Oh, for heaven's sake.

132
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,842
Somebody shoot me.

133
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:29,915
¶ Honey I got a job
with the circus ¶

134
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,550
[screaming with excitement]

135
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:34,619
Will you be making more
than $17 a day?

136
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,255
Well, not at first.

137
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,357
Good career move.

138
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,959
And the best part is

139
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:44,062
there's a place for both
of you in the act.

140
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,164
But won't that mean
my giving up school

141
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,767
and throwing away 30 years
of college.

142
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:51,570
I was so close
to declaring a major.

143
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:54,673
I hadn't thought of that,
but yes, I guess it would.

144
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:56,808
Is that okay?

145
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,144
Can I wear a funny hat?

146
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,546
If I have anything
to say about it, pumpkin.

147
00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:02,681
Then let's go for it.

148
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:03,715
[laughing]

149
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:06,518
No! You're both insane!

150
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,353
What about your dream?

151
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:11,089
What about your space
by the men's room?

152
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,725
Are you gonna throw
that all away?

153
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,627
It just feels right.

154
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:17,829
[both chuckle]

155
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,164
[crowd applauding]

156
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:22,667
Ladies and gentlemen!

157
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:26,905
Introducing
the amazing Robertino

158
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:30,141
and his incredible
target, Bobo

159
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:33,245
the complaining
freak of nature.

160
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:34,479
[groaning]

161
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:37,482
Lynn, can't we reconsider this?

162
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:41,686
I mean, shouldn't he have
at least rehearsed this thing?

163
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:45,156
Well, he figured he may
only get one chance at it.

164
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,293
[screaming]

165
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:54,065
Hey! Hey, watch it.
That was too close.

166
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,333
[screams]

167
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:58,203
Hey! Couldn't I
have at least worn a cup?

168
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:09,147
Well, so much for Lynn.

169
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,284
I guess I'm gonna have to rely
on my worst-case scenario.

170
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:17,856
I'm relatively sure
Brian won't marry a mime.

171
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,191
He'd only run out
of things to say.

172
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,332
[instrumental music]

173
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:29,367
Here you go, ALF.

174
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,403
I gave you some extra meat fat.

175
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,405
Brian, is this
eating-on-the-floor thing

176
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,407
gonna be permanent?

177
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:36,708
I'm sorry.

178
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,009
Roxanne doesn't want anything

179
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:41,146
with fur at the table
unless she's wearing it.

180
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:43,815
The cat gets to eat
at the table.

181
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:47,752
I know it seems inconsistent,
but she says it's not.

182
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,521
And I believe her.

183
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:51,656
Your wife hates me.

184
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:52,991
There you go again.

185
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:56,027
You've got a persecution
complex a mile long.

186
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:59,264
Brakes fail.
Elevator cables snap.

187
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,732
Beds go aflame.

188
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,735
All before lunch?

189
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,203
Come on, B, what do you say

190
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,806
we grab a few pillow cases
of this cash

191
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:11,343
get some plastic surgery
and start over?

192
00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:15,480
ALF, Roxanne is my wife,
and I love her.

193
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,148
Besides, her family's olive-oil

194
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,018
business has been very good
for all of us.

195
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:23,188
Oh, Brian, Brian.

196
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,357
Stupid Brian.

197
00:10:25,359 --> 00:10:29,995
Have you seen one olive
in the last 20 years?

198
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:34,933
Your wife runs the most powerful
mob family in North Hollywood.

199
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,068
That's not true.
You take that back.

200
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:41,806
Oh, come on. Why is there always
so much cash around here?

201
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:44,743
Okay. Alright.
I asked her about that.

202
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:46,044
She said a lot
of their olive oil

203
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,946
is sold on freeway off-ramps.

204
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,048
It's a cash business.

205
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,520
- 'Hello, sweetheart.'
- I've missed you.

206
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,061
Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.

207
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:08,066
Boys, why don't you wait outside
until the big concert tonight?

208
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,202
I think it is so nice

209
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:14,606
that you give them time off
to pursue their musical career.

210
00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:15,940
God.

211
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,678
ALF, I brought you something.

212
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,713
[gasps]

213
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,815
Do you know what that means?

214
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:26,351
Didn't Uncle Louie
get one of these

215
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:30,155
just before
that freak welding accident?

216
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,092
Hi, Mom and Dad.

217
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,728
- Angel.
- Hello, Son.

218
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:41,099
Brian, Jr. My favorite,
favorite child.

219
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,302
It's bothering me again.

220
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:48,139
Oh, don't worry, Brian.

221
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:50,108
I gave it a black rose.

222
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,078
Ciao.

223
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,246
Honey, I'm gonna go into town.

224
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,882
I'm gonna get a manicure
and a facial.

225
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,051
Good idea. I'll go with you.

226
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,586
I could use a mudpack.

227
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:06,157
I don't want you leaving
the compound right now.

228
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,726
I know, why don't you go

229
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,762
upstairs and try on that nice,
little present I got you

230
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:14,833
when I was in Washington at
those pesky committee hearings?

231
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,101
Cool!

232
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:19,104
- A guy could get used to this.
- Oh, you.

233
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,174
Mom, yesterday I saw ALF
on the couch.

234
00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:25,543
And this time,

235
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,412
I've got a fur ball to prove it.

236
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,580
[gasps]

237
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,748
[laughs]

238
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,750
Oh, what a nice boy you are.

239
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,318
Uh, but might I suggest

240
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,421
that perhaps the fur ball
belongs to the cat?

241
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,856
[Roxanne chuckles]

242
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,859
You have never liked Fifi,
have you?

243
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:41,893
Hmm?

244
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:44,696
Me? I love that cat.

245
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:46,364
What you may not know is

246
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:49,134
we share the same
rare blood type.

247
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,735
Which could come in handy

248
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:55,573
if Fifi were ever caught in,
oh, say, musical crossfire.

249
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,515
Boys, take Mr. Shumway

250
00:13:03,517 --> 00:13:07,852
to the amphitheater
and play for him.

251
00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:09,754
The amphitheater?

252
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,756
It's not even finished yet.

253
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,892
They're just now pouring
the ceme--

254
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,394
[shouts]

255
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:17,562
Brian!

256
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,367
Wow.

257
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,969
Imagine Brian being a kept man.

258
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:29,240
Well, at least he found
something he's good at.

259
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,043
[groans]

260
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:35,980
Life stinks, and then 400 years
later, you die.

261
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,684
Kind of a bummer, isn't it?

262
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,060
[groans]

263
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:52,564
Looks like I'm down
to my last Tanner.

264
00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:54,999
Little Eric.

265
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,235
An amorphous pink blob.

266
00:13:58,471 --> 00:13:59,604
What can he do?

267
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:03,174
He drools, he laughs
at stupid things

268
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,778
he whines and cries
to get attention.

269
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:09,514
Well, at least we have those
things in common.

270
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:15,353
[squeeze box music]

271
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,694
Shall we play another one,
Sparky?

272
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:26,097
You go ahead.
I'll be by the water cooler.

273
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,399
Oh, you're such a poop.

274
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,134
Ow, ow!

275
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,103
Not so hard, Eric.

276
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,839
[laughing]

277
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:37,242
You know what time
it is now, Sparky?

278
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:38,877
Uh-oh.

279
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,779
Yes! It's Mr. Mailbag time.

280
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,250
Let's see.

281
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:48,586
Here's a letter
from Billy Redseed

282
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,221
of Portland, Oregon.

283
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:55,693
And it seems Billy
has a fascination with fire.

284
00:14:57,163 --> 00:15:01,366
You know, these letters
should really be screened first.

285
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:06,537
Billy would like to see Sparky
jump through hoops of flames.

286
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,306
Fire, Sparky.

287
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,677
I don't like where
television's going.

288
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,446
Ta-da!

289
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,850
You've gotta be kidding.

290
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:21,419
I'll never get through those.

291
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,222
Well, anybody can get through
the big ones.

292
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:27,058
Now stop being Mr. Negative

293
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,227
and show the boys
and girls at home

294
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:33,765
that the body can achieve
what the mind can conceive.

295
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:39,337
Oh, Mr. Eric, Mr. Sparky
Mr. Big Hand's on the 12.

296
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,540
Oh, thank you, Mr. Big Hand.

297
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:46,644
I'll take you out
for a Mr. Cocktail later.

298
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,414
Well, that's all the time
we have for today, kids.

299
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,716
But be sure to tune in next week

300
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:56,387
for everybody's favorite
"Fun With Sharp Objects."

301
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,722
Ow!

302
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,791
See you next week.

303
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,592
Right, Sparky?

304
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,328
God willing.

305
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:09,400
(male #1)
And we're out.

306
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,670
Eric, are you crazy?

307
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,974
I'm not jumping through
hoops of fire.

308
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:18,443
First, you won't swim
through mud.

309
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:19,911
Then you have a hissy fit

310
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:21,713
about being thrown
through a window.

311
00:16:21,715 --> 00:16:24,515
And now you get upset
over a little fire.

312
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,785
Where is it going to end?

313
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,154
I don't need this, Eric.

314
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,923
You're right.

315
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:33,958
You don't need this.

316
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,628
I'm gonna do something I should
have done a long time ago.

317
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,263
Clean my box?

318
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,867
I want you to meet someone.

319
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,369
[whistles]

320
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:50,274
Sparky, this is Bootsy.

321
00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:51,909
Bootsy, this is Sparky.

322
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:55,880
Always a pleasure
to meet one of your dates.

323
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:58,549
I have some bad news, Sparky.

324
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,119
I don't want you
to take this personally

325
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,721
but you're out of the act.

326
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:04,922
What?

327
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:08,826
How could you do this to me
after 30 years?

328
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,661
I practically raised you.

329
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,997
If it's the fire thing,
I'll do it.

330
00:17:12,999 --> 00:17:17,802
I'll jump through the stinking
hoops and land on sharp objects.

331
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:20,872
Let's see Bootsy do that.

332
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,274
ALF, don't humiliate yourself.

333
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,676
- Goodbye.
- Hey, wait!

334
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:29,680
Aw, Bootsy's giving you
a big Bootsy bye-bye.

335
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:33,518
(ALF)
'Yeah, well, I'm giving Bootsy
a gesture of my own.'

336
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,553
'Gee, it's dirty in here.'

337
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,360
Well, the kids are a wash.

338
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:47,298
I guess I'm gonna have to take
my chances with Willie and Kate.

339
00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:51,402
But Willie's my goombah.

340
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,905
He'll hang on.

341
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,606
And Kate?

342
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:59,410
I'll just have to keep Willie
functional as long as possible.

343
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:06,484
Beautiful day.

344
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:11,355
Another beautiful, boring,
lonely, horrible day.

345
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,927
I should drop dead.

346
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,528
It could only help.

347
00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,998
ALF, go and open the curtain

348
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,768
let me watch the sun
setting over the ocean.

349
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,803
The curtains are open.

350
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,742
Well, how come I
can't see the ocean?

351
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,512
There is no ocean out there,
Willie.

352
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,047
We live in the valley.

353
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:38,850
It's landlocked. Like your mind.

354
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,720
After all I've done for you

355
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:46,157
you won't even let
me watch the sunset.

356
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:49,260
I could've own that ocean
for what I've spent on you.

357
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:51,963
Kate was right.

358
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:55,066
"Let's drop him off
in the snow," she used to say.

359
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:57,535
Did I listen?

360
00:18:57,537 --> 00:19:00,138
Oh, keep it down.

361
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,906
Oh, there it is. I see it now.

362
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,107
Thank you.

363
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,510
Was that so difficult?

364
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:09,480
ALF, can you forgive
a doddering, senile old man?

365
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,748
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

366
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,351
Now I've got work to do, huh?

367
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,986
Okay. Thank you.

368
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:20,725
Hello, is this the
Taylor Ball Bearings Company?

369
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:25,229
Um, do you have a Xerox copier.

370
00:19:25,231 --> 00:19:27,932
Well, you're in luck
because our company

371
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:31,369
recently overstocked
on some name-brand toner--

372
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,804
He's lying! It's a scam!
Don't fall for it!

373
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:36,574
Did I mention that there's
a free gift involved?

374
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:39,243
No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!

375
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:41,379
May I call you back?

376
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,514
Yes, thank you.

377
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:47,952
What are you doing?

378
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,223
Nothing.

379
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:54,725
You just lost me another client.

380
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:57,261
I'm sorry. Go on,
make another phone call.

381
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,430
I won't interrupt again.

382
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,233
I promise. Really.

383
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,569
[Kate laughing]

384
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,839
Now what?

385
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,441
Grease fire.

386
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:13,277
Curtains, whoosh!

387
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,646
Old, batty, over-medicated.

388
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,282
Look at those seagulls.

389
00:20:18,284 --> 00:20:19,750
They carry diseases, you know?

390
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,386
I can't prove it,
but I know they do.

391
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,724
I hope the kids
like these afghans.

392
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,326
I'm making them big enough

393
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:31,862
so they can tent
their homes in winter.

394
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:35,433
Better not come in here, the
filthy, germ-infested vermin.

395
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:36,934
Oh, don't worry.

396
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:39,136
I think they're living
in Seattle now.

397
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:44,675
What did I tell you about using
the stove without supervision?

398
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:45,910
Huh?

399
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:48,412
- You know it's off-limits.
- Okay, okay.

400
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:52,049
Hey, I've got a secret.

401
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,654
I've got my bra on backwards.

402
00:20:58,558 --> 00:21:00,725
Big deal.
So does Willie.

403
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,596
Tattletale.

404
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:08,065
No good. No damn good!

405
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,433
You were right.

406
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:12,203
We should have dropped
him off in the snow.

407
00:21:12,205 --> 00:21:15,406
Why don't you read us that nice
letter we just got from Lynnie?

408
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:20,344
Because it came three years ago.

409
00:21:20,346 --> 00:21:23,281
And I've read it
to you 500 times.

410
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:25,616
And it was a postcard.

411
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,485
I worked my whole life
to support him.

412
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:29,820
And now he won't even read us
our mail.

413
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,455
Then at least describe
the stamp.

414
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:33,691
Is that too much to ask?

415
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:39,030
Hello, Alien Task Force?

416
00:21:39,032 --> 00:21:42,700
Yes, I'm an alien
and I'd like to turn myself in.

417
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:44,468
I know it involves dissection.

418
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:45,503
That's fine.

419
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:47,104
In fact, I welcome it.

420
00:21:47,106 --> 00:21:49,206
Just get me out of here!

421
00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,483
ALF, I hope you realize

422
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,686
we'd never do
any of those things.

423
00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:04,789
And thanks for having
such a high opinion of us.

424
00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:07,224
ALF, I know you're
really worried

425
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:09,493
and you have every right to be

426
00:22:09,495 --> 00:22:13,564
but just tell me one thing
did I have all my hair?

427
00:22:13,566 --> 00:22:18,169
Your hair was the least
of your problems.

428
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:19,503
ALF, no matter what happens

429
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:20,971
as long as you have
to stay hidden

430
00:22:20,973 --> 00:22:23,708
we'll always
make provisions for you.

431
00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:26,544
Prove it.
Put the house in my name.

432
00:22:33,052 --> 00:22:36,053
[theme music]