1
00:00:03,938 --> 00:00:06,138
Jake.

2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,273
Jake of diamonds.

3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,110
J-K-L-M-N-O-P.

4
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,012
Huh? Oh.

5
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:19,284
Are you still thinking
about that girl?

6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,154
Ever since I saw her
star in the school play

7
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:23,822
I can't think of nothin' else.

8
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,792
What do they call
this temptress?

9
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,060
Her name is..

10
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,729
...Laura.

11
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:35,701
And how<i> does...Laura..</i>

12
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:39,304
...feel<i> about...Jake?</i>

13
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:41,707
She doesn't know I'm alive.

14
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,410
No problem,
you walk up to her and say

15
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:48,380
"Hi, I'm Jake Ochmonek.
Feel my pulse."

16
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,683
Did I mention her amazin' eyes?

17
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:55,487
Yeah, they're on springs
and they bounce out of her head.

18
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,524
[theme music]

19
00:01:30,925 --> 00:01:32,925
[music continues]

20
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,150
[instrumental music]

21
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,854
Hi, guys, what's up?

22
00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:04,223
Jake's got the flying hots
for this girl at school.

23
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,825
But anytime he gets near her,
he spaces.

24
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,461
- ALF!
- Did I leave something out?

25
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:13,899
ALF, I-I think
you may be embarrassing Jake.

26
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,167
Really?

27
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,637
Kate, you're good
at unsolicited advice.

28
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,240
Tell Jake what to do.

29
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,075
Well..

30
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:26,078
Maybe it would be easier if you
called this girl on the phone.

31
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:30,582
I could,
but if I did, I'd die.

32
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:34,653
He can't seem to talk
to the opposite sex these days.

33
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,788
Well, if it would
be any help at all

34
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,924
you could practice on me.

35
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,293
I-it wouldn't be the same,
Mrs. Tanner.

36
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,061
Laura's much more..

37
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,964
She's beautiful.

38
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,101
I see.

39
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,140
You've got a way with women.

40
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,042
You don't understand.

41
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,911
Sure, I do.

42
00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:01,914
Hey, I was once hooked
on a babe named Rhonda.

43
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:06,585
When I tried to say hi to her
I sounded like Gomer Pyle.

44
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:10,222
- Talkin', not singin'.
- Then what'd you do?

45
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:13,192
I wrote her letters
from a secret admirer.

46
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,762
I-I don't think I could do that.

47
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:19,031
Okay, then let me
write it for ya.

48
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:22,568
- I don't know.
- Come on, Jake.

49
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,903
Let me make
your love connection.

50
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:27,639
Think of me
as your wooly Chuck Woolery.

51
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:31,310
Okay. Alright, maybe just one.

52
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,611
Great.

53
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:35,280
[instrumental music]

54
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,620
Hi, ALF.

55
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,490
Willie, what's another word
for beautiful?

56
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:48,660
Umm, attractive.

57
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,662
What's another word
for attractive?

58
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,065
Uh, alluring.

59
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,634
What's another word
for alluring?

60
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,003
Annoying.

61
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,938
What's another word
for annoying?

62
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:03,375
- ALF.
- That won't work.

63
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,011
It doesn't rhyme
with oh, baby.

64
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:10,048
What are you working on there?

65
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:13,819
This is a missive of love on
behalf of young Jake Ochmonek.

66
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:17,189
Jake...is in love?

67
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:19,157
Disgustingly so.

68
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,727
But he thinks of himself
as just another scrawny

69
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,829
gawky, geeky kid.

70
00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:25,297
You remember
the feeling, Willie.

71
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:26,698
[chuckling]
Ah..

72
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,636
You better, uh,
you better be careful, ALF.

73
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,938
You can get into trouble
playing Cyrano.

74
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,074
Is that like Monopoly?

75
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,877
No, I'm talking
about "Cyrano de Bergerac."

76
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:42,281
It's a play. I-I've got a copy
of it somewhere.

77
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,950
It's-it's a classical
French play

78
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,686
about a man named Christian

79
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,988
who falls in love
with a beautiful woman

80
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,924
but he is too embarrassed
to talk to her.

81
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,595
- That sounds like Jake.
- Exactly.

82
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:58,897
So he gets his friend Cyrano

83
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,199
to-to write a letter
to the girl for him

84
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:06,438
because Cyrano is-is so gifted
and sensitive.

85
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,574
That sounds like me.

86
00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:12,010
Cyrano's a great romantic

87
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,413
but he is ashamed
to talk to women in person

88
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,848
because he's got a very big..

89
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:21,720
And they all lived
happily ever after.

90
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,123
Whoa, whoa!
Big-big-big...big what?

91
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,059
Umm, mmm, nose.

92
00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,695
- Huh?
- Umm, nose.

93
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:30,962
What?

94
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:35,100
Very large nose.

95
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,237
Well, why didn't you say so?

96
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:41,673
Well, I thought I..
I mean, I.. I thought I--

97
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,008
You thought I might be offended

98
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,977
because this Cyrano guy
had a jumbo hooter

99
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:48,780
and I happen to take a husky
in snout warmers?

100
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,050
Oh, yes.

101
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:55,354
No problem.
I'm not that vain.

102
00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:00,659
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I..

103
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:03,228
I guess I misjudged you.

104
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,364
Thanks, four eyes.

105
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:13,038
[instrumental music]

106
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:17,442
(ALF)
'"And what is a kiss?'

107
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:19,578
"A sacrament of roses.

108
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:24,349
The ring of a single horizon
around two souls."

109
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:27,919
Four lips slobbering
like a dog on raw beef.

110
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:32,124
Hi, ALF.

111
00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:36,995
Not ALF.
Cyrano de Melmac.

112
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:41,366
I use my powers of romance
to help those not so blessed.

113
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:44,136
In this case
I'm snagging a chick for Jake.

114
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:49,908
"Well, I must go.
Pardon I cannot stay.

115
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,943
My moonbeam comes to.."

116
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,446
- Oh!
- Excuse us.

117
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:01,153
Laura told her friend Lizzie,
who told her friend Terry

118
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:04,022
who told my friend Andrew's
sister, Suzanne, who told An--

119
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:07,759
Jake! Find the runway
and set her down.

120
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:11,496
- She liked the letter.
- Yes!

121
00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:13,598
Especially the part
where you compared her skin

122
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,802
to vanilla ice cream
under the hot fudge of her hair.

123
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,171
I've still got it.

124
00:07:19,173 --> 00:07:22,774
Laura's very curious
about her secret admirer

125
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,177
so, uh, I was thinkin'
of actually

126
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,913
maybe sayin' something to her.

127
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:31,216
[imitates Robot]
"Danger, Will Robinson."

128
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,319
But you said when she takes
the bait, I should reel her in.

129
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:38,723
You gotta wait till she bites,
then you reel her in.

130
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:41,426
You watch her flap
around the deck a while

131
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,229
then you gut and scale her.

132
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:47,432
Well, maybe I'm taking
this metaphor too far

133
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,334
but you get my point.

134
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,603
Uh, not really.

135
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,171
How's this?

136
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:56,374
My prescription for love
is a letter a day

137
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:59,344
for the next five days.

138
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:03,081
- If you think it's necessary.
- Trust me.

139
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,050
I'll have her
running through the streets

140
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:07,018
screaming your name.

141
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,222
If the cops don't pick her up,
she'll be yours.

142
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,061
[instrumental music]

143
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,126
[music continues]

144
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:19,858
ALF.

145
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,894
Jake, what's another word
for beautiful?

146
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,429
Enough with the synonyms.

147
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,998
- We got problems.
- Talk to me.

148
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,167
This morning
I saw Laura walkin' along

149
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,002
you know,
like an ordinary person.

150
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,904
She's very versatile.

151
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,075
- I tried to talk to her.
- Oh, no!

152
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,144
I tried to be, like,
you know, what's the word?

153
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,645
- Glib?
- Right, and, uh, real..

154
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,647
- Smooth?
- Uh-uh, and whatchamacall..

155
00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:44,349
- Suave.
- Yeah.

156
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:47,018
You sounded like Gomer Pyle.

157
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,654
I sounded like Jerry Lewis.

158
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:52,390
Now I can never tell her
I'm her secret admirer.

159
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,060
You gotta help me.

160
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:57,162
- What can I do?
- I don't know.

161
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,698
What would this Cyrano guy do?

162
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,099
Well, Cyrano
didn't have to worry

163
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,368
about the Alien Task Force.

164
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,371
Can't you do anything?
I'm desperate.

165
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,275
Maybe I can.

166
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,677
We have to find out
where Laura will be later today.

167
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:14,879
Alright, 4 o'clock,
she has her piano lesson.

168
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:17,115
5:15, at the library
writing a paper

169
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,883
Harriet Tubman, runaway slave.

170
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,719
6:30, dinner at home, pot roast.

171
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:24,255
After that, homework,
TV, probably "LA Law."

172
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,359
Thank you, Jake Edgar Hoover.

173
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:30,161
- What's her address?
- 111 Hicks Street.

174
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,163
Just two blocks away.

175
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,866
Two blocks, thirteen feet.

176
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:36,334
I can traverse the alleys.

177
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,770
Is there shrubbery
near the bedroom window?

178
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,039
- Bougainvillea.
- Why?

179
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,208
Just meet me there
at 10 o'clock tonight.

180
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:46,378
- Ask no questions.
- Wait, what are we gonna do?

181
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:49,881
That's a question.
Just be there.

182
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:55,553
Tonight, Cyrano de Melmac
makes romance history.

183
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,290
I'll get that later.

184
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,995
[instrumental music]

185
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:14,139
[ALF whistling]

186
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,509
[ALF hooting]

187
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,715
- ALF!
- No, I'm a whip-poor-will.

188
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,584
What are we doin' here?

189
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:29,254
We're going to woo
the fair Laura.

190
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:32,090
I'm 15. I can't woo.

191
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:36,461
- Romeo was 15.
- Yeah, and he never saw 16.

192
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,929
Here's the plan.

193
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:41,666
You shall proclaim your love
to the object of your desire

194
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:44,602
as I remain veiled
in night's velvet cloak

195
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:46,705
of darkness kibitzing.

196
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,407
[pounding]

197
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,042
ALF!

198
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,578
Is someone out there?

199
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,346
[whimpers]

200
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,415
(Laura)
'Fluffy, is that you?'

201
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:00,185
It is I, your secret admirer.

202
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,887
- Huh?
- Tell her!

203
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:07,025
It is I, your secret admirer.

204
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,160
I-I can't see you.
Come into the light.

205
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,963
- No.
- Why not?

206
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:16,301
Uh, because
night is a veil over us

207
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:19,637
making all things
dimly beautiful.

208
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,639
Even Tommy Lasorda.

209
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,877
You're even funnier
than your letters.

210
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,278
Uh..

211
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,615
I'm-I'm afraid
I might move you to laughter.

212
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,117
Why are you afraid?

213
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:37,555
Because I am too lowly
to dare ask for you.

214
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:41,392
Therefore my heart
hides behind phrases

215
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:45,130
and my liver hides
behind three of my stomachs.

216
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,100
You've got three stomachs?

217
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:54,072
Uh, umm,
one to digest mere food

218
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:56,708
one to get queasy
when you're near

219
00:12:56,710 --> 00:13:00,879
and one more leading nowhere,
just for show.

220
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:04,716
Wow, you're good.

221
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:08,753
Wait.

222
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,589
Well, she's beautiful.

223
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:15,460
On Melmac,
she'd be a definite<i> papoon.</i>

224
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,596
- What's a papoon?
- The number right after ten.

225
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:23,835
These are the nicest letters
I've ever gotten.

226
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,970
'I read them over and over.'

227
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,006
You do?

228
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:31,509
- What?
- Uh, I said you do?

229
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,978
(Laura)
'Yes, I do.'

230
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,246
Wow.

231
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,515
I can tell
from the way you write

232
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,851
that you're very special.

233
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:43,188
I get the feeling you're
different from other guys.

234
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,790
- I am!
- ALF!

235
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:47,225
What's going on?

236
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:50,962
Uh, I'm tellin' myself
that I've said too much.

237
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:54,232
Shut up!
I'm sayin' to myself.

238
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,334
But I'm not listening.

239
00:13:57,404 --> 00:13:59,704
You sound different.
I'm coming down.

240
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,272
No, no, wait.

241
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,575
- ALF!
- Yes?

242
00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:07,312
- Hide.
- You can't hide from love.

243
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,681
- Her dad's a cop.
- That you can hide from.

244
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:12,951
- 'Oww!'
- ALF!

245
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,622
- Who's back here?
- Ehh..

246
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:21,359
It's me, your secret admirer.

247
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,994
Didn't I see you this morning?

248
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,964
Uh, no, that couldn't..
I-I wasn't--

249
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,299
- You were cute.
- That was me.

250
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,935
- What's your name?
- Jake.

251
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:32,670
- Hi, Jake.
- Hi.

252
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,342
Uh, you,
you wanna go to a movie

253
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,043
or something Saturday?

254
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:42,247
- Okay.
- Alright!

255
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:45,583
- Can I walk you home?
- Sure.

256
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,652
So you like "LA Law," huh?

257
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,787
Yeah, especially the couple
with the short guy

258
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,923
and the tall woman.

259
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,258
Yes!

260
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,960
[ALF grunting]

261
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:01,599
You kids go ahead.
Don't worry about me.

262
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,668
Aah! Ah!

263
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,277
Okay, ALF, there's-there's
only one more thorn

264
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,245
but this one's in kind of deep.

265
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,381
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

266
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,886
Ready.

267
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,723
- Urgh!
- All done.

268
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:29,594
That's it? That didn't
hurt so<i> mu-u-uch!</i>

269
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:33,031
- Sorry, ALF.
- No problem.

270
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,235
You realize you took a big risk
going out like that.

271
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,803
I know.

272
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:42,307
But it was very noble of you
to wanna help Jake.

273
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:45,643
Thank you
from the heart of my bottom.

274
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,546
You know, speaking those words
of love tonight..

275
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:52,183
...made me realize
that I'll never be with Rhonda.

276
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:56,020
Well, maybe
someday you will, ALF.

277
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:58,923
Oh, don't humor me, Katherine.

278
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:03,995
Cyrano and I are both doomed to
spend our lives without a mate.

279
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:07,398
At least he got to jump around
with a sword and wear feathers.

280
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,070
I-I don't like to see you
like this, ALF.

281
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,839
Don't worry about me.

282
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,842
[yawns]

283
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,077
I'll tell you what.

284
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,879
What if we go out back,
uh, dig a big hole

285
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:24,515
muddy it up
and then you jump in?

286
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,751
No, thank you.

287
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,553
Well, how about if I go out
in the kitchen right now

288
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:29,854
and make your favorite dish?

289
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:32,023
Everything,
with everything on it?

290
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,526
I'm not hungry.

291
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,496
Isn't there anything you want?

292
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:42,100
I just wanna wallow
in self-pity for a while.

293
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:45,336
We will give you some privacy.

294
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,338
But if you happen to be
near a video store

295
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,240
would you mind
renting me something?

296
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,642
Well, certainly.
What do you want?

297
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:55,079
- "Love Story."
- Okay.

298
00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:58,816
- And "Wuthering Heights."
- Yeah, sure.

299
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:02,387
And the breakup episode
of "Joanie Loves Chachi."

300
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,057
[instrumental music]

301
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:19,270
Alright, Willie,
what's so important?

302
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,372
I was watching "Love Story."

303
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,142
You know the death scene
is considerably more depressing

304
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,377
in slow motion.

305
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,579
ALF, you gotta cheer up.

306
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:35,353
No. I am destined
to live a retched existence..

307
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:39,057
...barren of love.
I am Cyrano.

308
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:42,794
You're nothing like Cyrano.

309
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,864
Look more closely.

310
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:50,401
Physical characteristics
not withstanding.

311
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,869
You see, for all his poetry

312
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,639
Cyrano wasn't able to tell
people close to him

313
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,441
how he really felt.

314
00:17:56,443 --> 00:18:00,078
You, on the other hand,
can and do..

315
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,712
...at all hours.

316
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,816
That's true.

317
00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:06,584
And you've got something else.

318
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,687
Something that might have
saved Cyrano's life.

319
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:12,156
You have the ability
to laugh at yourself.

320
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,626
Well, I do have
that ability, don't I?

321
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,029
Ha. Ha!

322
00:18:19,833 --> 00:18:21,866
Now all I need is a woman.

323
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,769
I think I got that covered.

324
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,172
I don't want Kate.

325
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:31,676
No. Look.

326
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,779
I've attached the ham radio
to the satellite dish

327
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,982
and I've pointed the dish
toward the Andromeda Galaxy.

328
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,183
[radio static]

329
00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:42,086
Very nice, Willie.
You win the science fair.

330
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:44,889
No, no. Don't you see?

331
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:47,792
You'll be able to send
a message to Rhonda.

332
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:51,095
Your words will travel
right across the cosmos.

333
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:54,098
And then if she's tuned
into the right frequency

334
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,134
she'll hear you.

335
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,168
Oh!

336
00:18:58,138 --> 00:18:59,570
Okay.

337
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:03,307
Umm, hi.

338
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,076
Hi, Rhonda.

339
00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:07,812
It's me. I..

340
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:18,689
[clears throat]
I, uh, I read a play

341
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,292
about this guy with a big nose.

342
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:25,029
And, uh, it seems he can't
have the woman he loves.

343
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:28,166
Remind you of anybody?

344
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,837
I was wondering if you got any
letters from a secret admirer

345
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,672
and if you liked them.

346
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,208
If you did, they were from me.

347
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,243
If you didn't like them..

348
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:40,745
What letters?

349
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,515
Anyway..

350
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,018
...I hope you're okay.

351
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:50,288
And I never told you
this before, but..

352
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,290
...you're a definite<i> papoon.</i>

353
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:56,227
Well, bye.

354
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,635
Well, that was beautiful, ALF.

355
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:07,171
Uh, I assume.

356
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,841
Thanks, Willie.

357
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:13,244
I can see clearly now.

358
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,912
The rain has gone.

359
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:17,582
I can see all popsicles
in my way.

360
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:21,552
I'm glad.

361
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,222
You know,
it's gonna take 146 years

362
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,758
for that message
to get anywhere near Andromeda.

363
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:32,296
Oh, ALF, I didn't think
about that. I'm-I'm sorry.

364
00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:34,332
Nah, it's okay.

365
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:38,569
That's twice as fast
as Melmacian Express Mail.

366
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,238
Ha. Ha!

367
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:44,175
[instrumental music]

368
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,280
Wait, wait.

369
00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:59,156
Okay, go ahead.

370
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,426
Hi, ALF. Hi, dad.

371
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,328
- 'Hi, Brian.'
- 'Hi.'

372
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,464
Dad, can you fix this whistle?

373
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,399
What, what's wrong with it?

374
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:10,034
Listen.

375
00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:12,069
[no audio]

376
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,337
[thuds]

377
00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:15,206
Let me see that.

378
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:19,210
Well, Brian,
this is a dog whistle.

379
00:21:19,212 --> 00:21:21,312
Only dogs can hear that.

380
00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:23,047
Really?

381
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:25,516
[no audio]

382
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:26,717
[thuds]

383
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:29,654
(ALF)
'Dogs and Melmacians.'

384
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,489
You can hear that?

385
00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:33,491
Oh, yeah!

386
00:21:33,493 --> 00:21:35,559
Well, that's amazing.

387
00:21:35,561 --> 00:21:37,295
What did it sound like?

388
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,663
Kind of like a freight train

389
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:40,398
running through
the middle of my head

390
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,333
dragging Richard Simmons.

391
00:21:43,202 --> 00:21:44,101
[doorbell dings]

392
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:45,670
(Jake)
'Hello, it's Jake.'

393
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,072
Oh, come on in, Jake.

394
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:49,307
- Hi.
- 'Hi, Jake.'

395
00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:52,276
- Hi.
- So how went the big date?

396
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,113
It went pretty okay.

397
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:58,849
[chuckles]
Well, that's not
a very glowing report.

398
00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:00,751
Was there some problem?

399
00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:02,620
Well, she's real nice
and everything

400
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,388
but she's got this laugh.

401
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:07,792
It's kinda high-pitched
and it's kinda whiny.

402
00:22:07,794 --> 00:22:10,261
It's kind of annoying.

403
00:22:10,263 --> 00:22:12,997
So you're gonna dump Laura
because of her laugh?

404
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,899
I'll probably go out
with her again

405
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:18,202
but, uh, not to anything funny.

406
00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,404
Nothing sounds that bad.

407
00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:22,039
You said that does.

408
00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:24,175
[ALF whines]

409
00:22:24,177 --> 00:22:26,010
Jake, stop!

410
00:22:26,012 --> 00:22:27,645
Let me have that whistle.

411
00:22:27,647 --> 00:22:29,547
Sorry, ALF.
Did that bother you?

412
00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:31,949
Actually I'm getting to like it.

413
00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:34,719
[no audio]

414
00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:36,487
[thuds]

415
00:22:36,489 --> 00:22:38,422
'Oh, yeah.'

416
00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:39,990
'Yeah.'

417
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:45,696
[theme music]

418
00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:13,891
<i> [ALF laughing]</i>