1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,003
Hey, Kate,
get a load of this.
2
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:08,207
A stamp, commemorating
some guy walking on the moon.
3
00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:12,277
ALF, it was one of mankind's
greatest moments.
4
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:13,779
Big deal!
5
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:17,416
I was the first Melmacian
to wash my hands before eating.
6
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:20,085
Nobody put me on a stamp.
7
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:22,187
Maybe you
should've used soap.
8
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,490
Ha. Ha.
9
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:25,958
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey.
10
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,894
Oh, good, you're home.
What did you bring me?
11
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,362
Nothing.
12
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,298
That's the same thing
you brought me yesterday.
13
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,634
I left your dinner
in the oven, hon.
14
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,036
Unguarded?
15
00:00:37,038 --> 00:00:38,103
You wouldn't
have liked it.
16
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:40,672
The veal was
nearly inedible.
17
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:41,874
ALF!
18
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:44,610
Next time,
try an overnight marinade.
19
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,613
I'll make you a sandwich..
20
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,848
...if there's any
bread left!
21
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:52,284
I think there's
half a raisin bagel.
22
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,922
Yo, Wilkins, how much do you
want to give to the monks?
23
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,257
What monks?
24
00:00:58,259 --> 00:00:59,558
We got an appeal from
25
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,461
the Brothers of
the Peaceful Dominion.
26
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,530
That's my checkbook.
27
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:07,733
Yeah, they're your checks.
28
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,436
Don't worry.
I'm using your signature.
29
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,072
I've even mastered
that effeminate loop
30
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:15,307
you put on
your capital T.
31
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,845
As long as these checks
are in my name
32
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,781
I'll be the one who decides
who the money goes to.
33
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:26,952
And my loops are
not effeminate..
34
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,353
...they're decorative
35
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,790
Well, we're in a mood.
36
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:37,830
[theme music]
37
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:52,344
[no audio]
38
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,016
[no audio]
39
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:02,554
[no audio]
40
00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:05,757
[music continues]
41
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,696
[no audio]
42
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,658
[instrumental music]
43
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,428
Hold still, Bri.
44
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,230
I don't wanna stick you.
45
00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:46,632
You look great, B.
46
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,568
Sort of like the Pope's son.
47
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,136
I'm in a play at school.
48
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,638
I'm Friar Tuck.
49
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,373
One of Robin Hood's merry men.
50
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,707
No kidding.
51
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,043
We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
52
00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:01,513
Did he take from the rich
and give to the poor?
53
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:05,017
No, he just robbed
the hoods off people's cars.
54
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,755
Honey, please. ALF,
would you leave us alone?
55
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:12,357
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn.
56
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,595
What's all this stuff?
57
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:19,164
Oh, it's a project
for my sociology class.
58
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,600
I'm putting together
our family tree.
59
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,769
Well, who chopped it down?
60
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,437
Was it me again?
61
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,406
It is not that kind of a tree.
62
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,375
See, look it shows
all of our ancestors
63
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,678
who they married
and who their kids were.
64
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,680
Each relative is a branch.
65
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,715
Except your Grandma Dorothy.
66
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:37,883
She's a nut.
67
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,484
[laughing]
68
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:41,119
Watch it.
69
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,088
Hey, it is not like she's here.
70
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:47,159
You can find out some really
interesting stuff this way.
71
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:51,196
Like seeing a picture
of your mother wearing lipstick
72
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,598
when she was 14.
73
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,132
Which you yourself
was not allowed
74
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,767
to wear until you were 16.
75
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,637
I had chapped lips.
76
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,540
You had chapped eyelids too?
77
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,311
ALF, why don't you
make a family tree?
78
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:09,414
Yeah, it's really a fun way
to remember your ancestors.
79
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,583
Well, I don't remember much.
80
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:14,553
My father was always
breaking things.
81
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:16,622
And my mother sat
around eating all day.
82
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:21,627
It's amazing you
turned out so well.
83
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:25,697
Thanks, but sometimes I do
blow my nose on the wrong towel.
84
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:31,970
What?
85
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,806
[instrumental music]
86
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,511
[sighs]
87
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,581
Ah!
88
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,850
I can see why your
spaceship crashed.
89
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,586
You were over
the weight limit for luggage.
90
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,088
Well, gee, Willie,
why didn't you ask for help?
91
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,423
I did.
92
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,924
You said no.
93
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,061
If you'd only used
the magic word "Please."
94
00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:00,565
Oh, hey, this is all I
need for my family tree.
95
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,334
You can put
the boxes back.
96
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,169
Forget it.
97
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:06,104
What's in these things anyway?
98
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,873
These boxes all contain
99
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,742
the remnants
of a vanished civilization.
100
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,478
A people
whose culture and intellect
101
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,149
were unsurpassed
in the known universe.
102
00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:19,885
Dashboard dice?
103
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:20,786
Dashboard?
104
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,455
What a great place for those!
105
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,824
Hey, Kate, guess where
these are going?
106
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,427
In the garbage.
107
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,629
No. That's where I found them.
108
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,734
Who are these...people?
109
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:40,372
Oh, that's
my fourth grade class.
110
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,941
I'm the one eating paste.
111
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,744
Oh, what's this vacuum cleaner
doing in this picture?
112
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,713
That's my teacher.
113
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,650
Your fourth grade teacher
was a hoover upright.
114
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:54,186
Bite your tongue.
115
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,755
Mrs. Landers was remarkable.
116
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:59,858
She could walk on her hands
and pick up lint
117
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,127
with her big skinny mouth.
118
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,397
[gasps]
119
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:08,033
She was a vacuum cleaner.
120
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,002
Oh, look, I see you got
a picture of your thumb here.
121
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:14,306
Oh, I've made that
mistake myself.
122
00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:15,540
What mistake?
123
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,242
I collect pictures
of my thumb.
124
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,713
Look, here's a picture
of my thumb at the beach.
125
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,550
Here's one
of my thumb at the prom.
126
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,652
Oh, wait,
that's my toe.
127
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,689
Well, this shot's ruined.
128
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,292
Are these your parents?
129
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:36,027
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
130
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,996
Uh, that's the day
they were married.
131
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,999
See, mom's feeding dad
a piece of the wedding cat.
132
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,238
You have your dad's nose.
133
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,341
And your mother's, too.
134
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:52,110
Well, noses run
in my family.
135
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,578
Ha! Ha! Ha!
136
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,115
Oh, I kill me.
137
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,150
Yeah.
138
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,720
Wait a minute.
139
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,288
This can't be right.
140
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,856
What's the matter?
141
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,324
According to this..
142
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,995
...my parents were married
on Twangle the 12th
143
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:14,466
but...I wasn't born until
the 28th of Nathinganger.
144
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,768
- Twangle?
- Nathinganger?
145
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,438
What does that
mean, ALF?
146
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,873
Well, isn't it obvious?
147
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:24,876
It means my parents
were married..
148
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,045
...before I was born.
149
00:07:28,382 --> 00:07:29,714
[sighs]
150
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:35,787
And they say it's easy
raising an alien.
151
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,123
Who says that?
152
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,093
People who have never
raised an alien.
153
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,964
[ALF sobbing]
154
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,766
ALF?
155
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,972
[door slams shuts]
156
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,173
ALF?
157
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,145
[knocks on door]
158
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,046
ALF?
159
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,380
(ALF)
'Who is it?'
160
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:05,150
Wha.. Who do you think it is?
161
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:08,053
'Willie, I am not in the mood
for guessing games.'
162
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:11,456
'Don't come in.'
163
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,691
[door closes]
164
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,392
Well what are you
doing in there?
165
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,928
Staring out your window.
166
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,499
Reflecting on the wretchedness
of life.
167
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,168
I didn't mean
what are you doing in there.
168
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,737
I meant, what are you
doing in there?
169
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:30,709
Oh, sure.
Confuse me with syntax.
170
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,210
We're coming in.
171
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:38,517
What's going on?
172
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,820
Looks like he's doing
his Susan Hayward impression.
173
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:48,560
Oh, go ahead, make jokes
while my life is in shambles.
174
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,363
ALF, what is
the problem?
175
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:52,797
I already told you.
176
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,834
I'm branded with
the worst stigma imaginable.
177
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,737
I was born..
178
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,705
...in wedlock.
179
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,976
ALF, if it makes you
feel any better
180
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,079
I was born in wedlock too.
181
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:11,149
- So was I.
- So what?
182
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:14,519
You think the whole universe
follows the same moral code?
183
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:18,390
As one backward planet that
worships Don Knotts.
184
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,127
We don't worships Don Knotts.
185
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,796
Well, you should.
He's very entertaining.
186
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:30,135
ALF...what difference
does it make
187
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:33,672
if your parents were married
before you were born?
188
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,807
You don't understand.
189
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,677
On Melmac, being born
to a married couple
190
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,546
was the most
disgraceful thing there was.
191
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,848
Next to being a cat lover.
192
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:49,154
It's obvious that ALF is very
upset. Let's leave him alone.
193
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,189
Well, where are we
gonna sleep then?
194
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,959
I can personally recommend
the laundry basket.
195
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:56,695
We'll use the sofa bed.
196
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,631
Not the sofa bed, Kate.
It's so lumpy.
197
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,067
Oh, great,
my life's coming apart
198
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:05,770
and Mr. Sensitivity
is worried about lumps.
199
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,973
Come on, Willie,
it'll only be for one night.
200
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,775
Kate, you're an optimist.
201
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,082
[sighs]
202
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,452
I wish life were more fair.
203
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:26,358
Also wish Mrs. Ochmonek would
undress with the shades down.
204
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,194
Yee!
205
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,500
[instrumental music]
206
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,440
- You want to get the coffee?
- Sure.
207
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,175
I'll get the eggs.
208
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:49,180
[sighs]
Well, I see ALF's
had his breakfast.
209
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,385
At least he didn't
eat the tape recorder.
210
00:10:53,387 --> 00:10:54,853
What is this?
211
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,755
Probably his grocery list.
212
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,423
Kate, listen..
213
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:01,660
"Dear Earth family, the depth
of my shame is so great
214
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,828
"I've decided to leave.
215
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:06,264
Press play
for further details."
216
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:11,836
[opera playing]
217
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:14,773
That's my "Carmen" tape.
218
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,976
[ALF singing opera]
219
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,883
(ALF on tape)
'Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF.'
220
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,151
'Hope you don't mind me'
221
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,952
'recording over your
"Carmen" tape.'
222
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:31,222
No, no, your version
is much better.
223
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,391
(ALF)
'As you now know,
I'm not there.'
224
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,260
'I've decided
to run away to a place'
225
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,262
'where peace and tranquility'
226
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:41,566
'allow for the contemplation
of life's vicissitudes.'
227
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,368
What does he know
of life's vicissitudes?
228
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,637
I still have to put up
the toilet seat for him.
229
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,073
(ALF)
'Perhaps one day'
230
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,575
'when I can deal
with my seedy lineage'
231
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,011
'I will see you all again.'
232
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:55,547
'Farewell. I love you all.'
233
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,183
'Now back to more
classical music.'
234
00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:00,585
[ALF singing opera]
235
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:05,323
Willie,
where could he have gone?
236
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,158
Heaven only knows.
237
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,430
[bell rings]
238
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,665
[bell tolls]
239
00:12:25,212 --> 00:12:28,012
I hear you're looking
for a few good monks.
240
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:37,422
[instrumental music]
241
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,857
(ALF on tape)
'As you now know,
I'm not there.'
242
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,925
'I've run away to a place'
243
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,660
'where peace and tranquility'
244
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:47,332
'allow for the contemplation
of life's vicissitudes.'
245
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,934
[door opens]
246
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,403
Willie, I couldn't
find him anywhere.
247
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:56,107
Well, where could
a three foot, hairy alien go
248
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,610
and not be conspicuous?
249
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,445
Steven Spielberg's house?
250
00:13:02,716 --> 00:13:04,516
- Any sign of him, Bri?
- No.
251
00:13:04,518 --> 00:13:07,352
But my Friar Tuck
costume is gone.
252
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,454
Maybe he went
to Sherwood Forest.
253
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,990
No, Bri.
Sherwood Forest is in England.
254
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,192
ALF only took enough
food to get to Canada.
255
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,162
Why'd he run away?
256
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,964
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri.
257
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,933
Y-you'll understand
when you're older.
258
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,601
How old?
259
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,969
Well, older than me.
260
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,138
I'm still trying
to figure it out.
261
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,142
- 'Well?'
- Nothing.
262
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,144
Where could he have gone?
263
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,747
Someplace where
peace and tranquility
264
00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:40,018
allow for the contemplation
of life's vicissitudes.
265
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:43,321
That sounds familiar.
266
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,989
Well, that's what
he said on the tape.
267
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,025
No, no, uh,
besides that.
268
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,495
Wait a minute, ALF wanted me
to send my allowance
269
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,497
to a bunch of monks.
270
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:55,733
Listen to this.
271
00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:59,170
"Peace and tranquility,
life's vicissitudes."
272
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,339
It's from the Brothers
of the Peaceful Dominion.
273
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,142
That's it!
He's joined a monastery.
274
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,312
I'm sorry.
275
00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:12,650
[Gregorian music]
276
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:15,820
Uh, excuse me.
277
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,255
Where's the little monk's room?
278
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,591
I have to take a vicissitude.
279
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:26,064
Well, I guess I can wait.
280
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,768
Are you here
because of a painful secret
281
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,504
from your past like I am?
282
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:34,939
Or are you
just one of those guys
283
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:36,708
who likes wearing a dress?
284
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,212
Right.
285
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,814
We're a silent order.
286
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:44,349
We don't speak.
287
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,818
Ixnay on the eaking-spay.
288
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,355
Got it.
289
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,695
[mumbling]
290
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:04,836
Joke time, alright?
291
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:07,438
This one will knock you
on your cassocks.
292
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:11,109
What happened when the heater
went off in the convent?
293
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,678
They had a bunch of blue nuns!
294
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,514
Ha! Ha! Ha! Blue nuns.
295
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,483
Get it? Ha!
296
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,155
Tough room.
297
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,758
[bell tolls]
298
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:30,495
Hey, why don't you let
the hunchback answer it?
299
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,432
[bell tolls]
300
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,408
Oh, excuse me,
I-I'm sorry to disturb
301
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,776
y-your peaceful dominion
302
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,245
but, uh, I-I'm looking
for a friend of mine.
303
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,881
He's a rather short..
304
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:52,583
...hairy fellow.
305
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,285
Has anyone joined
your flock recently?
306
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,854
I mean, like,
say since breakfast?
307
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,392
Oh, t-thank you.
Thank you very much.
308
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,094
Uh, should I
be wearing a hat?
309
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,229
No, no, I'm fine.
310
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,901
Here's a real gut buster.
311
00:16:09,903 --> 00:16:12,804
How does the friar
open the door to the abbey?
312
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,707
With a monkey.
313
00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:17,642
Ha! Ha!
314
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,777
Get it? Monk-key.
315
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,513
What's the problem?
316
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,916
This stuff going
over your haloes?
317
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,754
ALF.
318
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,390
Willie.
319
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,926
H-how did you find me?
320
00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:37,595
One of the monks talked,
didn't he?
321
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,030
Never mind that.
322
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,399
ALF, how did you get here?
323
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,167
Thumbnail Express.
324
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,502
You hitchhiked?
325
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,271
Yeah. Easiest ride I ever got.
326
00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,940
Who's going to drive by
and leave a monk
327
00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:51,175
sucking his exhaust pipe?
328
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:54,112
ALF, your manners.
329
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,780
Absolutely right.
330
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,148
Where are they?
331
00:16:57,150 --> 00:17:00,418
Uh, Willie Tanner,
this is Ed the monk.
332
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,620
Ed the monk,
Willie Tanner.
333
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:05,323
Willie, Ed.
Ed, Willie.
334
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:07,291
I don't know who
the other guy is.
335
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:08,459
I think it's Cat Stevens.
336
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:15,266
ALF, what if they figure out
you're an alien?
337
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,335
Who are they going to tell?
338
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,640
Isn't there someplace
we can go to talk?
339
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:26,878
It's really rather difficult
to discuss certain details--
340
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,247
This is my home now, Willie.
341
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,250
These brothers are like..
342
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,318
...sisters to me.
343
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,854
Let it fly.
344
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,923
Alright.
345
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:42,960
Uh, I did a lot of thinking
on the drive up here
346
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:48,066
and, uh...I've never told
another living soul
347
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,767
what I'm about
to tell you..
348
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,904
...and you..
349
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,007
...and you.
350
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,875
And, of course, you.
351
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:02,914
Um, I know you're not exactly
crazy about my stories
352
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,216
but I think you'll find
this one poignant
353
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:08,386
and not without
a certain relevance.
354
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,754
Brace yourself, boys.
355
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,856
The sermon's coming
early this week.
356
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,761
When I was growing up,
I thought my mother
357
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:20,064
was the most beautiful
woman that ever lived.
358
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,800
I-I-I guess every boy feels
that way about his mom
359
00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,335
but, you know,
I wasn't the only one
360
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,636
who thought that
about my mother.
361
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,339
Look here.
Look, look.
362
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,007
[chuckles]
363
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,209
Huh?
364
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:33,945
Who's the goofy-looking kid?
365
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,046
That's me.
366
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:43,020
The years have been
kind to you, Willie.
367
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,055
Very kind.
368
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:46,691
May I continue with my story?
369
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,826
Please. And put that away.
370
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,598
Well, one night,
uh, I don't know
371
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,100
I must've been
about six or so
372
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:58,569
I-I was, I was walking
by my mother's room
373
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:01,839
and I looked and I saw her
sitting at her dressing table.
374
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:06,978
I saw her reach up
and take off her hair.
375
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,815
I was just..
376
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,150
I was destroyed.
377
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:15,419
You know, I mean, not,
n-n-not because she wore a wig
378
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:17,488
I-I didn't mind that.
379
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,024
It was because
she didn't tell me
380
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:23,528
and this brings me
to the meaningful part now.
381
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,396
And not a moment too soon
382
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,366
it's almost time for vespers.
383
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:31,269
I hope that means cookies.
384
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,803
ALF, I'm trying to explain
385
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,639
why your parents
didn't tell you
386
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,541
they were married
before you were born.
387
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:39,443
Oh, continue, my child.
388
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,346
I think that they didn't
389
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,915
they didn't want
their son to think
390
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:47,318
that they were any...thing
less than perfect.
391
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,020
Tha-that's the way parents are.
392
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,490
I-I know, I-I feel that way
about Brian and Lynn.
393
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,760
An-and someday, when you have
kids of your own, you'll feel--
394
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,195
Uh, uh, uh.
395
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,930
I won't be having kids.
396
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:01,299
Monks give up more than
talking, you know.
397
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,767
Right, Eddie?
398
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:11,075
Is it me or are those guys
a bunch of stiffs?
399
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,448
Look, Willie, I'm a convertible.
400
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,019
Face it, ALF.
401
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,621
You're not monk material.
402
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,057
Oh, yes, I am.
403
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,360
They showed me
the list of qualifications.
404
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:32,263
Sloth, greed, gluttony.
405
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,999
Those are
the seven deadly sins.
406
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:38,803
I thought the seven deadly sins
were those guys
407
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:41,472
who lived in the forest
with Snow White.
408
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:45,743
Those are the seven dwarfs.
409
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,945
We prefer the term
"Little people."
410
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,251
Come on home, ALF.
411
00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:55,219
We miss you.
412
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:57,788
Nobody cares
about your past.
413
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,690
Well, gee,
I don't know.
414
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:02,526
Tonight's my turn
to bang the dinner gong.
415
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:05,696
ALF.
416
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,665
Okay, you got a deal.
417
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,201
You came all this way to get me.
418
00:21:10,203 --> 00:21:13,004
If you want me back so badly..
419
00:21:13,006 --> 00:21:15,072
...you deserve me.
420
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,208
Oh, thanks, ALF.
421
00:21:17,210 --> 00:21:18,376
Well, just give me a second
422
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,345
to say goodbye
to the bros, okay?
423
00:21:21,347 --> 00:21:23,314
Yo, I'm leaving!
424
00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:25,483
[monks clapping]
425
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:31,055
I thought this was
a silent order.
426
00:21:37,397 --> 00:21:38,696
[instrumental music]
427
00:21:40,266 --> 00:21:41,999
You know, mom, dad..
428
00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:46,203
...you'd like the Tanners.
429
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:48,539
They care about me.
430
00:21:48,541 --> 00:21:51,442
Even when I do
something stupid like..
431
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,878
...stomp grapes
in the bathtub.
432
00:21:55,114 --> 00:21:56,147
Goodnight, ALF.
433
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,682
We're glad
to have you home.
434
00:21:57,684 --> 00:21:59,684
Can I have a cookie?
435
00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:02,887
They're not cookies,
they're vespers.
436
00:22:03,556 --> 00:22:05,556
And yes, you may.
437
00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:09,493
ALF, uh, do you know why
438
00:22:09,495 --> 00:22:11,095
there are purple footprints
439
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:12,663
all over the bathroom?
440
00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:15,766
Uh, have a vesper, Kate.
441
00:22:15,768 --> 00:22:17,168
We don't want any.
442
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,170
I'll have a couple of those.
443
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:20,705
Willie.
444
00:22:20,707 --> 00:22:23,874
Willie, gluttony is one
of the seven deadly dwarfs.
445
00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:29,613
ALF, I'd like those footprints
cleaned up tomorrow.
446
00:22:29,615 --> 00:22:32,416
Thy will be done.
447
00:22:32,418 --> 00:22:33,751
Thank you.
448
00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:38,389
It's good
to have him back.
449
00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:41,459
- Amen to that.
- Come on, kids.
450
00:22:41,461 --> 00:22:43,094
Goodnight, ALF.
See you in the morning.
451
00:22:43,096 --> 00:22:45,096
- Goodnight, ALF.
- Goodnight.
452
00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:51,769
I want you both to know
that I'm, I'm not upset anymore
453
00:22:51,771 --> 00:22:54,805
that you kept
your marriage a secret.
454
00:22:54,807 --> 00:22:58,409
In fact, I have a secret
I haven't told you.
455
00:23:01,981 --> 00:23:04,782
Willie's mother wears a wig.
456
00:23:06,219 --> 00:23:08,119
Ha! Ha!
457
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:10,554
[instrumental music]
458
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:16,927
[theme music]