[theme music]
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
[shooting]
[tense piano music]
SLEDGE: All right, vermin.
We know you're behind this so-called voodoo murders.
Well, there you go, Inspector.
OK.
Good as new.
Well, thank you, Majoy.
Hey, man, I don't say nothing more until my lawyer gets here.
Oh, yeah?
Is that right, huh?
Mr. Tauber, we found this doll in the victim's apartment,
and it resembles you.
Hey, I will handle this, Doreau, all right?
That doll's got nothing to do with the murders
this mutant meatloaf has committed.
Besides, that voodoo stuff, it's all malarkey.
[gasps] Please be careful with that.
I want my lawyer now.
Come on.
Stop dancing.
Now, how did you murder those people while they
were in a locked room?
DORI: [WHISPERING] Sledge.
- What? - Come here.
What?
He's allowed to have his lawyer here by law.
Hey, no geek in a three-piece suit
is going to let this cretin go.
[grunting]
Lawyers are nothing but parasites
who prey on the wallets of creeps like this.
SCOTT: Is that so, friend?
Yeah.
That's-- Scott.
Scott Grable. - Sledge.
How are you doing?
How are you?
You know this fascist?
SLEDGE: Hey, shut up, earthworm, or I'll deck you.
So what's with this getup here?
What, did you join the Billionaire Boys Club?
I'm a lawyer now, Sledge.
Wayne State, class of '73.
Yeah?
Well, here's your client, state pen, class of '97.
Doreau, this is Scott Grable.
You've heard me talk about my little friend from high school.
Oh, no.
Not really.
Oh, well, you know I never talk about my friends.
I like this guy, he thinks.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.
OK.
Well, since we're all friends here,
I guess I'll be able to watch "Carson" tonight after all.
Why don't you let me hold the doll?
So how long have you been in town?
A couple of months.
Oh, how come you didn't call me?
Too busy, huh? - Yeah.
I'll tell you what, why don't we go have a drink
and talk over old times?
[thudding, groaning]
[gasping]
I'll have a drink.
You're not going anywhere, felon.
Uh, yes, he is.
I've arranged for your bail, Dominick.
He's free to go.
Bail?
[groans]
Come this way, Mr. Tauber.
We're letting you out.
I told you I'll walk right out of here, blondie.
[theme music]
Yeah-- let's go.
[yelling]
[excited chatter]
Scott stayed up all night and helped me with my biology final.
He really saved my neck.
But Sledge returns the favor by getting
the local gang to return the steering wheel to my dad's car.
Yeah, well.
We were always there for each other, huh?
Yep.
You guys sound like you're quite a team.
Yeah.
Brains and brawn.
Yeah.
That's how they describe us too.
Yeah.
[smashing, yelling]
[shooting]
BAR PATRON: Oh, man.
BAR PATRON 2: Get out of here.
BAR PATRON 1: Hammer.
[laughs]
Hammer, I thought I heard you in here.
What?
Was I talking that loud?
Captain, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Scott Grable.
A friend of mine from high school, can you believe that?
Scott, this is my superior, Capt. Trunk.
- How you doing? - Nice to meet you.
[beeping]
Oh, I had this installed.
Doctors have beepers.
I have this.
POLICE [ON RADIO]: 1 Charlie 5.
Proceed to 215 at Third and Grand.
Roger.
Scott, tell you what, why don't you
come with me on a police run?
And then we can go over to my place.
How about that? - OK.
What do you say? All right.
Hey, you got a place here?
You living here or-- - Yeah.
I got a place right now. - Why didn't you call me?
- I've been busy. - You just going to call me up.
SCOTT: Hey, what can I do?
[laughter]
Yeah.
But you didn't call me.
I know.
I haven't seen him that excited since he first got
to identify a criminal's body.
Well, it's obvious, Captain.
You know, being with Scott has taken him back to a time
before he became so callous.
When was that Doreau, when he was a fetus?
No.
He was probably always callous.
[theme music]
SLEDGE: This is the first clock I ever got.
My pop gave it to me.
[chuckles]
- Hey, Sledge. - Yeah.
Here's a picture of us on the track team.
[laughter]
I'm still the same weight, you know.
Oh, no. No.
Yep.
I fired that starting pistol every single meet.
Remember the state championships?
Boy, I was depressed that day.
Because we lost?
No, because the coach only let me fire blanks.
Picture of you, ROTC.
[laughs]
SLEDGE: Again, no real ammo.
Where do the years go, huh?
Whoa!
Big trouble.
Susan Hilton?
She was the most miserable, self-centered, nagging killer
witch in the whole school.
Whoo!
Why'd you marry her?
Well, she was my high school sweetheart.
It was expected of me, I think.
Marriage shouldn't be done because other people expect it.
Marriage should be done by two people
who are in love with each other, want
to make their lives complete.
[laughs] Being a lawyer has put a blindfold on your brain,
old buddy.
Some things are made in heaven, but marriage is made in hell.
Well, I hope you're wrong because I'm getting married.
What?
Getting married.
You're kidding.
To a wonderful lady that I'm in love with very much.
And I want you to be happy for me.
Well, happy.
I'm happy.
Sure, I'm happy.
I'm happier than the day they legalized hollow-point bullets.
- Great. - Great.
Good.
Well, when do I get to meet your future battle ax?
[chuckles] Well, I don't know.
How about tomorrow night?
I'll bring Doreau along, and we can make it a real party.
I guess so.
Got to go, Sledge.
Oh, really?
Well, that's too bad.
I guess you have an early morning in court there, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Good.
Well, It sure was great seeing you
even though we are on opposite sides of the law.
Sledge, I'm a lawyer, not an ax murderer.
Whatever.
Anyway, really-- it was really--
you know, it really was--
you know, to see you, it was, you know, really--
Nice, Sledge?
Yeah.
Nice it's-- I have trouble with that word.
OK.
[chuckling]
So don't get mugged.
OK.
Go on, mate.
[mellow music]
He is a great guy, isn't he?
So has Sledge Hammer changed his opinion about lawyers?
Has he dropped his stereotypical prejudices.
Maybe a changing world, Doreau,
but I haven't changed one bit.
I hate all lawyers.
What do they do-- they don't do anything.
They don't grow anything.
They don't make anything.
All they do is make trouble.
Your friend's a lawyer.
You respect him.
Put a sock in it, Doreau.
I'm not going to listen to your psychological bunk.
Just grow up.
You know, Sledge, it's obvious.
Your relationship with a man whose values are diametrically--
Look, I'm not gonna listen to this.
- --opposed to yours-- - I'm not listening to this.
--are going to rub off on you.
[hums] [SINGING] Money that--
[static]
POLICE [ON RADIO]: 1 Charlie 5.
Proceed to 215 at Third and Grand.
10-4.
[fast-paced music, screeching]
[horns blowing]
MAN: Hey, man.
[horns blowing]
[crashing, yelling]
Police business.
Keep going.
All right, vermin.
That was a strike.
And I'm going to see to it that you rot in jail.
That is, unless you get a good lawyer.
And here's a very good one, Scott Grable.
Oh, man, I know Grable.
[groans] No.
I was robbing the store so I could pay his fee.
Now take me down so he can bail me out.
Come on, you sick--
[dramatic music]
[non-english singing]
Not your typical Italian restaurant.
Why'd you say that?
Well, I haven't seen one single picture
of the owner shaking hands with Frank Sinatra.
Wait a minute.
I know this place.
All right.
[chuckles] This was the ex-wife's favorite joint.
Oh!
Well, I'll try to have fun despite that.
My fiancée chose it for this evening.
Uh-huh.
SCOTT: I wonder where she is.
She's never late.
Well, I hope she didn't get hit by a car
and splatter all over the street.
Sledge.
I'm just showing concern.
That's all.
SINGER: [non-english singing]
Tell me, how long have you known your future bride?
Actually, that's quite an interesting story.
We knew each other as teenagers.
[chair scraping]
Sledge, what is going on?
Dori, this is my lady.
That's no lady.
That's my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife?
His ex-wife.
Excuse me.
I'm going to go talk to him.
Sledge?
I thought running out was what brain-dead commies did.
We got nothing to say to each other, dragon lady.
You suckered my best friend into marrying you,
and it makes me want to throw up.
So how have you been?
You look tired, Sledge.
Too many all-night stakeouts, too much coffee, too much
violence, too little affection.
Hey, the same old Suzy Q, huh?
Trying to make my hard edges soft.
Not soft, Sledge, human.
You've heard of human, haven't you?
It means warm, tender.
You just described a good steak.
Now, beat it, will you?
Let's let the past be the past.
We were lousy as man and wife.
But maybe we can be pretty good as friends,
if you're willing to be mature?
Think about it, hmm?
Mature, huh?
[gunshot]
[crowd murmuring]
How's that for mature?
[gunshot]
[suspenseful music]
No, then he walked right out of the restaurant.
That's unconscionable.
No, he pulled a gun on her.
No, saying that's no lady.
That's my ex-wife.
That is the oldest joke in the book, Doreau.
Captain, if I had not seen it with my own eyes,
I never would have believed it.
I have never seen Sledge so sca--
uh, [clears throat] so anyway,
Major is looking for the files now.
SLEDGE: No, don't try to hide it, Doreau.
I knew you'd be in here blabbing.
And you.
She's a woman.
It's her nature to gossip.
But you, Captain?
I'm shocked.
Hammer, we're concerned about you.
Well, nothing personal but my personal life is personal.
Comprehendo?
Do I probe into your private life?
Do I talk behind your back?
Do I go rummaging around in your desk?
All the time!
Well, I was probably on a case.
TRUNK: Hammer, why are you so angry?
No more ex-wife, no more alimony.
You should be celebrating.
Celebrating?
Now, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, that's right-- 'cause I don't feel like celebrating!
Sledge, your ex-wife is marrying your best friend.
I mean, it could be worse!
She could be marrying Peter Holm.
[laughs]
Excuse me, Inspector, but I thought
you'd like to know the suspect you just brought in is
being released to his lawyer.
I just changed my mind.
I do want to celebrate.
[pensive music]
[sighs]
[indistinct conversation]
Where do you two dirtballs think you're going, huh?
A couple of days ago, he was your buddy, man.
What happened?
I'm marrying the former love of his life.
Bad move, Counselor.
Come on, greaseball.
You're spending the night here.
He's out on bail!
Well, he belongs in jail.
And that's not up to you!
Throwing garbage back on the street?
I ought to arrest you for littering!
Would you two gentlemen kindly tell
me what the hell is going on?
Your inspector here is trying to hold my client because he
still has feelings for Susan!
Really?
That's impossible.
They can tell you.
I don't have any feelings.
Right? - Right.
Yeah.
Oh.
Then you're not angry at me for marrying Susan.
Angry?
I'm ecstatic!
She's your problem now, pal.
And she's a problem.
SCOTT: Then it won't be a problem for you to be
best man at my wedding, right?
Oh, I'd love to!
Me and my real amigo here?
We'll be there!
Captain, if you can make it, I'd
enjoy if you were there, too.
Thank you!
Majoy, release Mr. Grable's client.
And the rest of you, get back to work!
[background chatter]
Just put your John Hancock down there,
and Mr. Tauber will be a free man.
Let's go.
MAJOY: Uh, Mr. Grable?
Uh, one more thing.
SCOTT: What's that?
[pensive music]
Can I come to your stag party, too?
[sighs] Sure, Majoy.
Party?
Don't ask.
[elevator dings]
[party horns blowing]
[excited chatter]
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
I need your money.
All right, all right!
A toast.
A toast to Scott.
Many happy returns of the day.
ALL: Hear, hear!
[cheering]
Hey.
Hey, Hammer.
Just 'cause this hotshot good-looking lawyer's marrying
your ex-wife doesn't mean you can't have
a good time at his stag party.
MAN: Oh!
[laughter]
I'm having a great time, Majoy.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
Oh.
I guess it was just the beer talking.
[laughs]
All right, here we go. Come on.
Go right ahead, suckers!
Let's go.
[piano music]
I must say, Dori, it's so ironic
that Sledge pulled a gun on me in the restaurant.
Why?
That's what he did the night he proposed,
only then he was kidding.
At least I thought he was kidding.
[sighs] Why did you ask me to meet you here, Susan?
I want you to speak to Sledge.
He really thinks a lot of you.
He does?
He has a funny way of showing it.
Oh, he does.
He's written to me about you.
Would you like to hear one of his letters?
Absolutely!
"Dear bloodsucking leechette, enclosed please find
one post-dated alimony check.
PS, I have a new partner.
She's a woman.
I like her anyway.
Yours in divorce, Inspector S. Hammer."
What, that's it?
Oh, for Sledge, that's spilling his guts.
[sighs] Guess you're right.
Mr. Macho.
SUSAN: You know Sledge.
He-- he can't relate to a woman.
But I found that kind of fun at first.
[chuckles] He sort of brought out the tomboy in me.
We used to arm wrestle and shoot guns, drive fast.
But he never once told me I was beautiful.
Never allowed a tender moment to stay tender.
It grew tiresome.
I had to move on.
Yeah.
Sledge will never change.
I've tried to talk to him.
He doesn't listen.
I really feel sorry for him sometimes.
Then try harder.
Explain to him that if he doesn't change,
he's always going to remain just what he is.
A nihilist.
Alone.
Maybe he's working his way out of it.
I mean, he went to that party to have a good time.
MEN: [SINGING] For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
[cheering, applause]
[wolf whistling]
Yeah!
[cheering]
[wolf whistling]
[gunshot]
That's it!
Enough degradation.
Hammer, what the hell are you doing?
SLEDGE: I'm taking this party downtown, Captain.
You're all under arrest.
Oh, yeah?
What's your charges?
Ew!
Air pollution for one!
And indecent exposure.
Hammer, you're not taking anyone in.
You're resisting arrest, shyster!
Hammer, this time you've gone too far.
I forbid you to arrest anyone in this room!
That's obstruction of justice, Captain.
Now, everybody, hands on your heads.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Move it.
Move it, move it, move it.
Move it, move it.
All right, I'm required by law to read you your rights
under the Constitution.
You have the right to--
to, um-- you have the right to, uh--
don't help me with this.
You have the right to, uh--
the right to remain--
you have the right to remain.
If you want a lawyer, you have the right to a dime.
The phones take a quarter.
Um, whatever I can get out of you, I'll use against you.
Well, I guess that pretty much covers it.
Hammer, I am your superior, right?
I am in charge.
You work for me.
How dare you arrest me?
Now, you know I can't play favorites, sir.
How would that reflect on me?
Then why didn't you call for a paddywagon?
Ah.
You made us walk down the middle of the sidewalk!
When I get through with you, I'm--
No!
I want first crack at him.
Be my guest.
So you feel like a big man now, do you?
Well.
You abused your authority to get
back at Scott because you can't handle the fact that I love him!
Hey, it's not like I ruined his credit rating or anything.
Oh, go ahead.
Make a joke. Make a joke.
But it's not funny. Neither are you.
You're pathetic.
Hey, I don't have to take this nagging anymore.
I'm not married to you anymore.
Tell it to your gun!
I think I will! See?
It's right here.
That's it.
That's the-- that's the, um-- with the--
[chuckles]
Right.
You don't need to listen to anybody.
Sledge Hammer has all the answers.
Oh, come on, I dumped you years ago.
No!
I dumped you.
And it's the smartest thing I ever did.
Get out of my life, woman.
I will.
But I'm going out with a bang.
Oh!
[murmuring]
I better look for a new best man.
Sledge, you got to let this go.
But my jaw really hurts.
- Not your jaw. - Oh.
Susan.
I already did.
I got divorce papers to prove it.
You're being really selfish.
I think you should just be happy for them.
I don't believe this.
Two people who have been a major part of my life
are ripping my guts out, and you want me to smile about it?
That's not what I meant.
Look, Doreau, now, with Scott and Susan
gone, that's two more people who have found each other.
All I ever find is clues.
[sentimental music]
For the first time in my life, I'm
starting to think that maybe I'm going to spend
the rest of my life alone.
And I'll be a 70-year-old man alone, unable to shoot my gun,
unable to shoot my gun.
You got me.
Yeah, right.
You'll leave, too.
Not if you don't want me to.
Sledge, let me into your life.
Come on.
Beat it, Doreau.
You know, the best thing you could do right now
is to go to that wedding.
It might give you a slice of real life.
I'd rather be dead.
I'm afraid you already are.
Well, amigo, it's just you and me, huh?
You'll never leave me.
You're all I got.
[gun clattering]
If there's anyone present who believes
that this marriage should not take place,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
[doors slamming]
[crowd chattering]
[tense western music]
Get on with it.
[organ playing]
Do you, Susan, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband
to love, to honor--
You made the right decision.
I guess so.
You all right?
Looked like you were limping.
I decided to show a little respect for once.
It's a church.
I'm not wearing my gun.
OFFICIANT: In what God has put together, let no man--
[light music]
You know, you're lucky Trunk understood
what you were going through.
[background chatter]
Otherwise, he would have pressed charges
for your abuse of authority at that stag party.
Doreau, since I went to that wedding,
I've come to, uh, kind of a realization.
I've given this a lot of thought.
I don't want to live my life alone.
I want a living, breathing human being to share my life with,
the good times and the bad.
So, um, this isn't an easy thing for me to ask.
So I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
Will you marry me?
[bright music]
[snorts] Are you serious?
No.
[pensive music]
[theme music]